Stuff From My World - DivorceBusting.com

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Hello there. Thought it was time to start yet another thread. My previous one is here:

Something Is Wrong With Me

Just thought I would give some updates.

* I did not go to my Divorce Care group tonight. I simply forgot about it. I actually feel bad for not going.

* My mom left me some money and I will be getting it this week. It's not a very large amount, but it will be nice to have. I'm going to buy some new clothes, get my bills current, take the boys on a camping trip this summer and maybe....just maybe take a trip out of town "just me." I really do need to get away for a few days. I might take off to Vegas or something. I just need some fun and this is my chance.

* XW apparently talked to S21 for over an hour the other day and kept going on and on about us being friends. She just "doesn't understand" why we can't be civil/be friends and talk. I have no problem being civil but ONLY if she contacts me first. I'm not going to contact her..,..I just don't need the garbage. Besides, WTF would we even "talk" about? This is the same woman that did what she did, deleted me from FB and still has me listed as "a$$hole" in her phone. Not very friendly or civil if you ask me. No thanks. He says she acts "bugged" by it. Whatever. Am I wrong for feeling this way and not wanting to be her "friend?"

* S19 has dropped out of college. I now need to stay on him about getting a job. He needs to do something. He seems to have no motivation to do anything.

* My dad and stepmom will be in town for a short visit tomorrow. I'm excited to see them. We only get one or two visits a year. With the exception of my boys, they are pretty much all of the family I have left.

* I'm convinced that history really does repeat itself. My mom left my dad for another man. (Too young to remember.) My XW left me for another man. Now, S21's GF has now left him for someone else. They've only dated for about 4 years, but have known each other for nearly 12. It's really weird. He will tell me things that she has done or said and it is like watching XW all over again. The only thing is: this girl is only 21.

* I am slowly getting better and realized something the other day. When this all started, I went through the grief, sadness, anger and all of the other emotions that come with a wonderful MLC spouse but......lately, when I think about XW, I've been feeling something else. The best word to describe it I think is: disgust. Yes, I think I'm starting to feel disgust when thinking about her.

* My rats continue to make me smile. They greet me when I walk into the room. It's pretty comical. It's almost like they are just miniature well-trained dogs. Funny stuff.

* The boys keep pushing me to get out and have some fun and date. While it may be nice to have a relationship at some point and I do miss the companionship, I really have no interest in women at the moment.

* The power steering in S21's car went out and he doesn't have the money to get it fixed. He has been driving it without the power steering. XW said that if he would come to her house and meet her new husband, he could fix it for free. Sounds like bribery. Just my opinion. S21 declined.

* I've seriously been thinking of moving to another country, but I'm not sure if that's what I really want or if it is depression talking.

Anyways, that is the latest from my world.

Take care.

Tad

Tad,

Good to see that you're continuing to post here.

This caught my eye:

Originally Posted By: tadpole1025

* I've seriously been thinking of moving to another country, but I'm not sure if that's what I really want or if it is depression talking.

Changing the external WON'T change what's happening on the inside, Tad. I don't think you're in a position to to this without your support system around you. If you do move to another country, your inner issues will STILL be there regardless. Continue working on YOU first before you make any important, large changes.

Make sense?

I think continuing to attend the Divorce Care group is doing you really good in that it is getting you out of the house and forcing you to interact with other people.

I agree with Wonka on that.

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* XW apparently talked to S21 for over an hour the other day and kept going on and on about us being friends. She just "doesn't understand" why we can't be civil/be friends and talk. I have no problem being civil but ONLY if she contacts me first. I'm not going to contact her..,..I just don't need the garbage. Besides, WTF would we even "talk" about? This is the same woman that did what she did, deleted me from FB and still has me listed as "a$$hole" in her phone. Not very friendly or civil if you ask me. No thanks. He says she acts "bugged" by it. Whatever. Am I wrong for feeling this way and not wanting to be her "friend?"

No, Tad. Those are your feelings. And honestly, as somebody in a similar boat I think it's very appropriate to not want to talk to somebody like that. Seems normal to me that you do not want to talk to somebody who regards you as an a-hole and treats you poorly. Just as her feelings are her feelings, so yours are your feelings. I doubt that having any kind of relationship with her is in your best interest right now. Later? Who knows? But for now, I see no reason to add to the life that's Tad's with somebody who brings hate and discontent.

Own your feelings. If you choose to not talk to her, do so because that's what works for you.

And try to remember to go to the support group. It's good to get out, no?

Glad you are posting and that things are progressing. I know it's slower than you'd like, but it's good to see it.

Question for you regarding your parents - did it anger you that your mom left your dad? What was your relationship like with your parents growing up?

AJ

Thanks for the responses.

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Yeah I know. I've never really ever wanted to move away just because I had so much family here and XW had some family here as well. Now, with the exception of my boys, I really have no reason to stay. I'm not doing this anytime soon and may NEVER do it. It's just something that I've kicked around lately.

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And try to remember to go to the support group. It's good to get out, no?

Yes it is. I really had planned to go and by the time I looked at my watch, it was too late.

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Question for you regarding your parents - did it anger you that your mom left your dad? What was your relationship like with your parents growing up?

Whew. Good one. I'll take a stab:

I was only about 4 when it happened and do not remember. But, I can remember missing my dad a lot. I had a good stepdad, but he wasn't MY dad. I was actually upset when my stepdad left my mom. Back to the question though.....I wasn't upset with her for doing it, but as I grew up, I began to wonder why and always kind of wondered "what might have been" if they had stayed together. I do remember my dad being sad. When this all happened, I went to live with my grandparents and actually bonded with them more than my parents especially my grandmother. (A Saint) I lived with them off and on. The funny thing is: even though I don't remember the actual event, I can still remember the taste of my mom's lipstick from that time period. I can actually remember her kissing me goodbye one day and remember the taste of it. I don't like it.

As for my relationship with my parents, I wasn't really "close" to either one of them. I think it has a lot to do with the fact that I bonded with my grandparents. I have more like just a "friend" relationship than a "father/son" one with my dad. As for my mom, I wasn't really close with her either, but we did get closer once my little brother died and XW pulled the big MLC trick. Hope that answered your question AJ.

Take care.

Tad

Tad, what was your relationship like with your mom after ex and before she died? And is it safe to assume you didn't have much interaction with her in the intervening years - i.e. after you left to live with Grandparents and until MLC events? Just friendly interactions, but not really very often? Or... ?

During all of this time you didn't see your dad very often either, right? You knew he was sad.. just from when he left or ?

AJ

Hey AJ.

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Tad, what was your relationship like with your mom after ex and before she died?

It was much better. She was there for me for whatever I needed and we saw each other probably about once a week and sometimes more. We talked on the phone nearly every day or every other day. Sometimes I would call because I needed something or just wanted to talk to her and sometimes she would call me to see how things were going.

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And is it safe to assume you didn't have much interaction with her in the intervening years - i.e. after you left to live with Grandparents and until MLC events?

Yes, that is a safe assumption. A lot of times, we knew how each other were doing though because mom and XW talked on the phone every single day. They were very, very close. XW loved my mom dearly and mom loved her dearly as well. They were more like best friends than in laws. I got lucky in that department. I was always quite amazed at the relationship that they had.

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Just friendly interactions, but not really very often? Or... ?

That's right. We hardly EVER talked on the phone and were nice and cordial to each other at family events. We would see each other usually on holidays or if she was over for dinner. When she WAS over for dinner, it was either because it was one of our birthdays or because XW invited her.

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During all of this time you didn't see your dad very often either, right? You knew he was sad.. just from when he left or ?

That's true too. Didn't see him much at all either. I would say that the relationship that I had with my dad is almost exactly the same as the relationship that I had with my mom. Nice and cordial.

I knew about his sadness from the time I was little. I can remember him coming to pick my brother and me up every once in a while on a Saturday to spend a few hours with us. I can remember him crying sometimes when he would drop us off. There were other times when I could just see it in his eyes. I just knew. I don't think he ever really got over her. I can sometimes see it in his eyes even today.

Very good questions buddy.

Tad

Tad, I've read some of your posts here and there lately but haven't had a chance to respond. Couple of things I did want to respond to--

1. You mentioned in an earlier post about your rats and the connection you felt to them, the fear that they will get sick, etc., they don't live that long apparently, and your general anxiety about them. Ok I don't think this is crazy at all. I have cats. I don't like to call them pets. They are my children. I don't care that I didn't give birth to them--they are my babies. I am VERY emotionally tied to them. You will see my other post about my upcoming surgery. Ok well my FIRST THOUGHT when I was looking to get surgery was that I could not get it at a hospital over an hour away because I would be too far from them. Now I will have a family member here who will take care of them, but the mere thought of being separated by too many miles even though I'd be stuck in a hospital bed made me terribly anxious. They are very self-sufficient but my tie to them is inextricable. I think that when we lose the loves of our lives that it is perfectly ordinary to form close bonds with animals who depend on us for love and affection (and who give that in return).

2. Dating--you mention dating a lot--others wanting you to date, feeling some internal pressure to date--but you also say quite often you just aren't interested. So...that's totally fine! I really tried to force myself to date for a long time and in the end I was just not comfortable at all. I know what I want in a partner and I haven't met him. Or rather I have, but he has a girlfriend and he has a wife ;-) What I mean is that I am very close friends with two guys, one married, one with a girlfriend, and the two of them are exactly what I would want in a partner. In fact both have said to me if timing were different we'd have been together. Believe me this is disappointing! But on the other hand their being "taken" has allowed me to form really close friendships with men that are not romantic/clouded by sex. They've taught me how to trust again.

I've felt so much better forging this type of relationship than dating, and I know that for me, unless I can have a friendship like the one I have with either of these guys FIRST, I don't see me in a romantic relationship with someone.

Tad your trust in the opposite sex was entirely broken. I don't think we consciously call all of the opposite sex liars and deceivers when we try to date, but I think subconsciously when we date we are opening up and being vulnerable again to the possibility that someone might hurt us. Maybe this is just too much for you now--and that's ok. Why don't you try becoming very good friends with a woman or two and deliberately not taking it any further just to see if you can learn to open up in a friendship?

It's so much less pressure.

Honestly I think that the people here who are in relationships again post-divorce would probably tell you that they didn't have to FORCE themselves to be in them--it just flowed naturally. If you feel you are trying to force yourself to get back in the game, change the rules of the game to suit your needs, and if that means platonic relationships, go with them.

Hope this helps :-)

Hi Antonia. It is nice to hear from you. I read your new thread and am sending thoughts and hugs your way.

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You mentioned in an earlier post about your rats and the connection you felt to them, the fear that they will get sick, etc., they don't live that long apparently, and your general anxiety about them. Ok I don't think this is crazy at all. I have cats. I don't like to call them pets. They are my children. I don't care that I didn't give birth to them--they are my babies. I am VERY emotionally tied to them. You will see my other post about my upcoming surgery. Ok well my FIRST THOUGHT when I was looking to get surgery was that I could not get it at a hospital over an hour away because I would be too far from them. Now I will have a family member here who will take care of them, but the mere thought of being separated by too many miles even though I'd be stuck in a hospital bed made me terribly anxious. They are very self-sufficient but my tie to them is inextricable. I think that when we lose the loves of our lives that it is perfectly ordinary to form close bonds with animals who depend on us for love and affection (and who give that in return).

Wow. I totally get this. That is exactly how I am with my rats. I don't call them pets either. They are my girls....the daughters that I never had I guess. I was actually thinking about getting out of town for a day or two and decided against it because of......the girls. I'm very attached to them and as I said in my previous thread, it scares me a little bit. I've never been like this. Never really been an animal guy but, fell in love with my babies right away. They were born in my apartment and I picked them out of the litter when they were about 1 week old. Funny thing is, I've never liked rats and found them disgusting like most people do. I've even changed towards all animals in general. I have more compassion for them I guess and can't even watch the abused animals commercials on tv anymore. Weird stuff huh? I guess my MLCer isn't the only one that has changed. I just find it all a little strange. Is it me just changing because of my age or because of the experience that I had with XW?

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Dating--you mention dating a lot--others wanting you to date, feeling some internal pressure to date--but you also say quite often you just aren't interested. So...that's totally fine! I really tried to force myself to date for a long time and in the end I was just not comfortable at all. I know what I want in a partner and I haven't met him.

Ditto. Everytime I think I might be ready to date, I realize that I'm not. Not interested at all really. I'm not going to force the issue anymore. If I find the right one, great, but if it happens, it happens.....if not, oh well.

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Tad your trust in the opposite sex was entirely broken. I don't think we consciously call all of the opposite sex liars and deceivers when we try to date, but I think subconsciously when we date we are opening up and being vulnerable again to the possibility that someone might hurt us.

Yeah. When the person who you trusted the most hurts you, who do you trust? Finding it very hard to trust anyone right now and if I can't trust, I shouldn't be in a relationship. Very jaded....

Thanks again for the response Antonia.

I received my money that mom left. It wasn't much, but it was enough to get my bills current and pay my rent on time. I moved into this apartment in January of 2012. This was the first time that I paid my rent on time. Sad huh?

I've been messaging some old radio buddies of mine on FB. I might be having lunch with one of them next week.

I'm continuing my Divorce Care group. I'm thinking about taking the entire 13 week course all over again once it is finished because I missed last week and was 3 weeks late joining the class. We'll see.

My anxiety had been at bay for a few weeks, but I've had it again the last few days. I've been feeling pretty hopeless lately too. I don't know.....just have never felt so alone in all my life.

I need a better job....can't be driving a cab with no benefits until I'm too old to work....

Tad

Tad,

You continue to get some kick arse advice from AJ and Antonia...

I just dropped by to say .... 'Sup.

IMO, you sound a lot better than you did a few weeks ago. FWIW, I am proud of you!

Keep going to the recovery group.

Peace,
Eric

Tad,

I think it's really inspiring how you are picking yourself up and dusting yourself off. :-)

Much Love,

Heather

Thanks for the kind words Eric and Heather. I am doing better to an extent I guess.

I do believe that I am much better as far as XW is concerned. I'm to the point of not even caring anymore. She continues to wonder why I won't talk to her....as I said: I just don't care. I'm beginning to think that she just might be a full-blown idiot.

My biggest problems now are just life-related.....just dealing with the aftermath of her destruction and trying to rebuild. So tough. I've been toying with the idea of getting back on the radio, but just don't know if I have it in me anymore. Not sure I can be "Mr hip-happening party boy dj" anymore.....

Time will tell.

Tad

Dude

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I've been toying with the idea of getting back on the radio

I think this is a great idea. I say go for it man! Hell, if you could negotiate a nice contract for me, I'd join ya. We could be the next howard and robin. What..would that make me robin?

On a serious note, it takes a while to recover from the destruction that is usually caused by a divorce.

Step by step brother...step by step.

You may not see it right now, but I can...you are moving forward.

BTW, saw a pic of your pets on the alt. They are cute.

Haha. Yes Eric. You would have to be Robin.

It will be tough getting back in though. So many cutbacks in radio these days. I will consider it though. Who knows???

As for my pets.....I actually had them tattooed on my arm yesterday. I've got a pic of it on my FB page. It isn't anything really fancy, but I wanted it done so I'll always have them....

Tad

Hey everyone. In my attempt to get some sort of normalcy back into my life, I've decided to write all of my friends pre MLC a letter. As many of you know, I pretty much withdrew from everything and everybody.

Anyways, I have wrote them a quick little letter, but have not sent it yet. I'm wondering if I even should. I thought I would post it here to see what everyone thinks:

To all of my friends:

If you received this, it is because I consider you a friend. I wanted to write a short note and apologize for not keeping in touch with all of you. I've thought about writing this for a while now and wasn't sure if I should. If you don't feel like reading this, I'll understand.

Some of you know more about what I've been through the last few years than others, but let me just say that it is more crap than one single person should have to deal with in such a short amount of time. I did it though. The life I had is gone. Would I like to get back on the air someday? If you would have asked me a year ago, the answer would have been no. Today, I think that I might want to give it a try in some capacity, but for now, I'm driving a taxi cab and living in a two bedroom apartment in Glendale with my sons.

I also owe Scotty O and Natalie big thanks. In the beginning, they were there for me at 2 or 3 in the morning when I needed a sounding board. True friends. It may have been nothing to them, but it meant everything to me. Thanks to Linda and Russ too.

I won't give any details about my little adventure, but if you would like to know, just ask. I don't mind talking about it. I'm changed and for the better I think/hope. I'm a better father for sure.

I didn't keep in touch because I withdrew from life. It was nothing against you. There were days that I never even left my bedroom. I didn't do it intentionally though. It just happened. I couldn't help it. The stuff that I went through really messed me up. I went into severe depression, was put on meds and had two doctors tell me that my blood pressure was so high that I shouldn't have even been walking. As I said, I was a mess.

Today, I'm better. I'm not 100% yet, but I'm slowly getting there. I'm slowly getting back to life I guess. Anyways, I wanted to apologize for dropping out of sight and not keeping in touch. I'm sorry if I bored you with this letter, but I wanted it said. Take care. I hope to hear from you soon.

Darrin/Jeff/Westy
(I've got way too many names.)

Thoughts? Should I send it?

Tad

My thought is for you to not send it. It will actually drive people away rather than get them closer to you. It comes across as you wanting their pity. It would make them feel uncomfortable.

Instead, how about calling a few of your closest friends first and ask if they want to go out one night. Don't talk about the stuff that went on. You can tell them that you had to go through some challenges and leave it at that. If they want to go deeper, you can let out more information a little at a time. But don't give them such a sad story that they won't want to be around you.

Start with one friend at a time. I think you need to transition yourself back into relationships with people slowly.

Tad,
I agree w/Mr. Bond. I wouldn't send the letter, but I would call one of your friends up and start from there. Don't go into all of what has transpired, keep the conversation light and simple. It's one step at a time.

I agree with Bond.

Sending it comes across as needy.

It is another example of words vs actions.

If you want to rekindle friendships...start by just reaching out with a call or a much shorter note like "hey how are you".

Yeah, I agree with all of you. That is why I posted it here. I wasn't sure about it. I will start with just a few at a time with just a very short email.

I had some really bad anxiety last night and I'm not sure why. I was in bed with the tv on watching Apollo 13. Well, it was in the background while I was dozing off. It just hit me. I felt like I wanted to jump out of my skin.

I've decided that I want a new job. Radio? Maybe. We'll see.....

XW is furious right now. Back in February, she invited all four off our boys to her place for Easter. S19 and S21 told her that they will be spending it with me. S23 and S28 are undecided because of work, but more than likely, they will be with me. XW is upset because she said S19 gave her the impression that he would be with her when she asked in February. Honestly, he told her that he didn't know yet. She is upset because they really don't want anything to do with her new husband/house/life. I still feel bad for her, but not as much as I used to. I guess she is starting to see some of the consequences. S21 and S23 have still not met OM or been to her place. She is getting p!ssed/impatient I guess.

When I asked S21 why he wasn't going, his response was:

"My answer was no from the beginning. It's always been no and she knows that. She knows why."

Wow.

I didn't press any further and dropped it. I think S21 and S19 were hurt the most through this.

She was also texting S21 the other night and complaining what a "sh!tty and horrible" day she had. I guess life really isn't all flowers and butterflies....

Tad

Hey Tad. Good to see you posting!

I agree with the others - call the friends and hang out with them. A letter is good for your thoughts, but a little impersonal in a way. Take the step and call 'em. They'll be happy to hear from you.

I'm glad to hear you are considering a new job, and radio at that. Whatever you do, enjoy it and put your all into it. I'm sure you will.

As for the ex. She and the boys will have to work things out on their own. You know that though, and you've been supportive of them - all of them. I think that says a lot about you, and I'm happy to see it.

What you've been missing in the bigger picture is that things aren't the way other people depict them. Their "mask" so to speak. When you meet somebody on the street, keep in mind that they may appear happy or "together" when inside they may not be those things at all. We all have struggles and there's no telling what somebody else is struggling with.

Like we do with everyone, we wish them the best. We get involved when appropriate. But we always wish our fellow travelers the best because that could just as easily be us on any given day.

How's the Monday meetings going? Any luck with getting some healthcare benefits? Through the state or otherwise? Anxiety attacks sound like something that might benefit from some professional assistance, right?

Cheers!

AJ

And why are you still posting about your XW? Your post should have been more news about your positives and less about her negatives.

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What you've been missing in the bigger picture is that things aren't the way other people depict them. Their "mask" so to speak. When you meet somebody on the street, keep in mind that they may appear happy or "together" when inside they may not be those things at all.

I thought about this a little bit. You're right too. I think we all act a little different on the street. I think we all have a mask of some sort that we wear.

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How's the Monday meetings going? Any luck with getting some healthcare benefits? Through the state or otherwise? Anxiety attacks sound like something that might benefit from some professional assistance, right?

Still waiting to hear back on the benefits. Arizona's whole family assistance departments are probably the slowest in the world. Monday meetings are ok, but I'm probably going to start over and take the entire 13 weeks from the beginning. I've been going, but haven't put my heart into the homework like I should. I'll be taking it over.

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And why are you still posting about your XW? Your post should have been more news about your positives and less about her negatives.

I just found it interesting and thought I'd share. Nothing more.

Some on this board have suggested I set up some sort of rat rescue. I may be adopting or "rescuing" another little girl in the next day or so. S23's friend bought a rat to feed to his snake. (I hate that, but.....) Anyways, the snake didn't eat the rat and sort of became friends with it. I know.....weird. S23's friend is going to try to keep it, but if he can't, I will be taking it. She's very cute and just a baby.

I've just started to realize that in addition to changing financially and emotionally, I've also changed a lot physically in the last 3 years. It hit me yesterday while looking in the mirror. Since this began:

I've gained about 30 pounds.

I've got 3 tattoos that I swore that I would never have.

My goatee is almost entirely white now.

I've developed pretty bad arthritis in all of my knuckles. My thumbs are the worst and my right thumb can rarely be moved without discomfort. I'm assuming that it is arthritis because my older brother has it really bad and my grandmother had disfigured hands because of it.

My hair is now in a ponytail for the first time since 11th grade. I used to wear it almost military style.

I've got more wrinkles than I had and the ones that I did have are much deeper.

Still suffer from an extreme lack of energy/motivation.

My voice or "radio voice" isn't what it was. Not even sure if I could do the radio thing. We shall see.

I don't have much of a short term memory anymore.

......just seems that I've aged so much in just the last few years. Anyone else feel this way?

ahh...the spoils of stress and getting old.

Tad

I totally feel like I went from being a young mama to an old lady. The only things that help are exercise and eating right, when I fall off that schedule I age fast - when I stick with the program I can feel youngish.

But gone are the days of drinking til late night and bouncing up again in the morning. Drinking kills any youthfulness I have left.

Focus more on yourself

"ahh...the spoils of stress and getting old."

But you have control over that. It's not just "age". Using age is an excuse. How much have you actually exercised recently? Going out and getting moving is a good way to get you out of your funk.

If you don't like the way you look, then do something about it.

Agreed. At first, I did start to age a bit. Stress is what ages us. More specifically, how we deal with stress.

I'll be honest, I started taking care of myself and I look and feel better now than I did for years prior to the chapter that brought me here. At first I actually felt a little guilty about it. About feeling better, looking better, and having a life outside my family. That's long gone. And I'm happy to say that I'm the happiest I've been in years. It all started with changes in myself. Changes that I made for myself.

I know my ex meant to hurt me. I know she still tries to hurt me. It's something that just is. But it is the only part of my life that I don't look forward to, and I've made it a very very small part of my life. The rest? Life has never been better for me, even with the ups and downs of it.

I didn't ask for it, but I wouldn't change a thing Tad.

Make the life you want to live. No more excuses. No facing the first obstacle and quitting. Not an option, if it gets in the way of what YOU want. You'll feel better and enjoy the life you've been given a chance to enjoy. And that is a legacy you can leave that you won't regret. Promise.

AJ

Hi Tad, You need to get your arthritis checked out. Get it treated early and it could help stop your joints getting worse and out of shape. My brother said he should have gone earlier to get it checked.

For the first time in 10 years my Ex W broke down in front of our Daughters, 2 weeks ago last Sunday it was Mothers Day in the UK. None of my daughters visit her on birthdays, Christmas or Mothers day. They usually visit her a few days before the events.

Well the other man Nic was not in when they called to see her. She said while crying her eyes out that she has been selfish (since she left us). Youngest D & eldest D got upset the most, they also cried their eyes out.

When she first left us, she said to me in a letter that she was being selfish. But this is the first time she's said it to her kids!

Love
Delboy

Hi everyone.

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I totally feel like I went from being a young mama to an old lady.

I can totally relate Brooklynmom....except for the lady part.

AJ, I like your post. I've decided to join a gym once I get everything in my life in order. (see my post below.)

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I know my ex meant to hurt me. I know she still tries to hurt me.

I still have a hard time with this. My XW is the same way I think. Didn't you say that our situations were pretty similar?

I just don't understand how someone who supposedly loved us can be so angry.....still. Why all the anger? Why are they even angry to begin with? What is wrong with people?

Hey Delboy. That admission by your XW is pretty amazing. How did it make you feel?

Now it's time for the good, the bad and the ugly.

The Good - Yesterday was amazing. I had a three hour lunch with an old radio buddy of mine. It was wonderful to see him. It was the first time I had seen ANYBODY from my "previous life". We discussed resurrecting my radio career and went over a bunch of fun memories. We discussed music and had a great time. He says he is keeping his eyes open for radio jobs for me. (Radio jobs are very hard to find.) We are going to try to get my foot in the door in some capacity. Then.....last night I get a FB message from my VERY BEST FRIEND who lives in Chicago. He is flying in and taking me to dinner on Thursday night. I can't wait to see him!!! I have not talked to him much since this all started. Today for Easter, the boys and I went to dinner and to see Captain America in 3D. All four of them were with me. I don't even think any of them heard from their mother today. Anyways, it was fun.

The Bad - This week was a downer as far as the depression and anxiety goes. I'll be fine some days and then others, I'm just very down when I realize how alone I really am. 5 years ago, my family was a pretty decent size. Today, it's the boys and me. That's it. I also really need to go get my hands checked out for possible arthritis. I really don't need my hands locking up when I'm thinking about getting back into radio.

The Ugly - First, I want to apologize for posting this here, but I really have nobody else to vent to. I'm just really disgusted at the moment and would like some input. I've had a VERY BIG item added to my already overcrowded plate. I really wish God/life would stop throwing sh!t at me. Just one more item to add to my 4 year list of garbage that I don't need at the moment. I will try to explain:

My grandfather on my mom's side will be 84 years old at the end of the month. He is getting very bad Alzheimer's, but still gets around well. He is very hard of hearing and can barely hear without his hearing aids. He lives on 1,200 a month.

A couple of months ago, right around the time of mom's death, I found out that my drug addict brother moved my grandfather in with him. I wasn't very crazy about it at first, but the more I thought about it, I came to realize that maybe it would be a good thing. Grandpa could help with the bills and my brother could look after him. Besides, there was really no other place for him to go. I surely couldn't take him in. There were really no other options.

Also, my brother and I received 4,500 dollars each at the end of last month as beneficiaries on one of her policies. So....I know how much money he had.

Well....this evening, I got a call from a social worker from a local hospital. Apparently, my grandfather was "found" by paramedics this past Friday confused and 4 miles from his and my brother's apartment. They found him sitting on a curb along a major busy street. He has Pneumonia. He was carrying his wallet that was empty except for a senior center id card and a local grocery store's rewards card. Everything else was gone....his money, medicare card, Social Security card and his debit card. All gone. I hate to assume, but I'm pretty sure my brother has his debit card. Why? Because that is how my brother is. He was also carrying a bag that had 2 pairs of pants and one shirt along with a piece of paper with my phone number on it. He did not have his hearing aids either.

So....I tried texting my brother. He did not respond. He still hasn't responded. Finally, I got pretty restless and anxious about it, so S23 and I got in the car and drove to my brother's apartment. When we got there, there was a pink note on the door that said they had been evicted and that everything inside now belongs to the property owner. EVICTED!!!!! He had enough money to pay atleast 4 month's worth of rent...not to mention my grandfather's 1200 dollars a month. This also means that any old antique furniture that my mom got while we were in Germany is now gone because he got a lot of that stuff when she passed.

I'm pretty sure my brother is up to no good because why didn't he call me and let me know about my grandfather or atleast ask if he/they could crash here for a few nights? I just don't get it. He always vanishes when he is up to no good. That is the way he has always been. I also have a very strong feeling that I will probably never hear from my brother again. I've just got a strong feeling in my gut and my gut is usually right.

I have an appointment with the social worker at the hospital tomorrow at noon. I will also probably end up calling the police after I talk to her. I don't want to, but I may have to.

It kills me to think that he would leave him to just wander or die on the streets of Phoenix. This is a man that has done so much for my brother and I. When we were little, he would take us hunting and fishing all of the time. Some of my best memories are of fishing with him and feeding the ducks. This is the same grandfather that I lived with as a kid that I mentioned in a previous post.

I'm just filled with disbelief, sadness and anger. I just don't know anymore. I just don't know. What gives? I'm not even sure if I should call the police. Maybe my brother needs jail....

Again, what's wrong with people?

So tired.

Tad

Tad,
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandfather. Please contact Social Security about the loss of his card, as well as the other organizations/agencies that he has cards with, i.e., especially the debit card. You need to contact the police now, not later and if your brother is picked up and found guilty, so be it.

As for your grandfather, I feel so bad about this situation. No one should have to roam the streets w/no place to live. I do hope that you are able to find someplace for him to live after he's recovered enough to leave the hospital.

Please don't allow this to drag on...call the police and report the situation. You need this documented, as well as notifying the bank, Social Security, etc. about the loss/theft of his identification cards today. If you don't, the person who has those cards can become very creative with identity theft and take whatever your grandfather has left in his accounts and wipe him clean. He doesn't deserve this.

On another note, I'm glad to see you are reconnecting with some old friends. You really need this and now is a great time for the reconnections to take place. I do hope that the door will open to allow you to step through and get a DJ and soon.

Take care of yourself.

Tad,

Wow. What a path full of life's twists. Deal with the cards you have in front of you.

Regarding your grandfather, you can place him at a nursing facility that specializes in Alz' as most places do accept patients with Medicaid/Medicare. This way, you and your sons can visit him whenever you can and keep a close eye on him. Don't delay.

Also you can work with the local SSA office to have you listed as a rep payee or have the nursing facility be the rep payee. There are options out there for your grandfather that will ensure that he's not financially ripped-off!

I am with others that it is good to see that you've reached out to people and old friends. Keep going right there, buddy.

I was typing a longer response to this earlier...

To sum it up, Tad - very very happy to hear you are reaching out to your friends. I am sorry to hear about your Granddad. I went through similar with my own granddad in that he suffered from Alzheimer's for about 10 years. My sister has been great, though she did have to take some time off while she was pregnant and then later with her fight with cancer. It's had challenges especially since I'm from the west coast and live on the east.

As a suggestion - follow Job's advice and get him taken care of as quickly as possible and away from your brother. Nice try, but it turns out that won't work, right?

And be patient with the process - talk about slow. The insurance company, the government health agencies, and myself all play a game on a regular basis. We trade papers, wait 60-90 days, and then do it again. That allows for the bills and such to make their way through the machinations. Often we laugh at each other. I'm doing same for my Grandmother's accounts and assets and care. Wheeeee....

I wouldn't want somebody else doing it though. Better to have me do it. And in my case, I am lucky my sister can help with some of it and she is pretty good at visiting and taking care of some of the items. I am lucky in that respect. Very.

Yep, our situations are pretty similar in respect to the exes. Know what? I dunno why the anger. I do think if I did, I would have to be nutty to fathom it. No thanks.

Let us know how the grandfather gets on and how your visits with your radio and bestie go. Very interested to hear about it.

AJ

Thanks for the responses.

My grandfather is doing a little better and hopefully will be released from the hospital in about a week.

Still have not heard from my brother.

Adult Protective Services are now involved and they have contacted law enforcement. They have had conversations with me and I was totally honest with them about my brother. He's probably going to be in a lot of trouble when he is found.

I worked on Monday and you'll never guess how much money I made. After paying for the lease on the cab, filling it up with gas and getting it washed.....I cleared a negative two dollars. Yeah, I worked a twelve hour shift and LOST money.

I give.

My little rats are doing well, but I can tell they are getting old. They seem to be sleeping a lot more.

It is 4:45 in the morning and I have not slept a wink. I can't. I'm very very down right now. I just don't see what the point is anymore. I feel like giving up again. I'm just so very drained.

I think of my life the way it is now and just want to throw in the towel. I get more and more p!ssed off at the XWacko.

I'm tired of the ups and downs too. I seem to be doing not good, but okay and then I have dips. BIG dips.

I'm a wreck and so is my life. It just seems like everything is way beyond repair. Getting really tired of fighting...

It's frustrating I'm sure, Tad. There are no words.

Glad your Grandfather is getting some help and things are progressing on that front.

I may have missed it - how did your visit with your dad go?

AJ

Thanks AJ.

Quote:

It's frustrating I'm sure, Tad. There are no words.

It sure is buddy....very, but today was a better day. (Or yesterday was now that it is actually Friday.)

Quote:

I may have missed it - how did your visit with your dad go?

It went well. He and my stepmom took the boys and me to lunch. We had a good visit.

Stuff:

The grandfather/brother investigation continues. My brother's first wife has been trying to get in touch with me, but I've been ignoring her phone calls because the lady at Adult Protection Services told me not to have contact with anyone that may be involved. She won't leave a voicemail.

My best friend flew in from Chicago yesterday and bought dinner. I got to meet his fianc�. They make a cute couple and I am happy for them. ( I don't get envious of other couples anymore like I once did when this all started.) I guess that is good right?

His company may have an announcer position for me. They are a very big promotion company that travels the world putting on events. They need a traveling arena announcer. It would be a very cool job to have. I could still live in Phoenix and they would pay for my hotel and traveling expenses. I'd be traveling a couple of times a month. The only few obstacles would be:

1. Obviously, I would have to get the job first.

2. I really don't think my voice is what it was a few years ago. (Damage from all of the booze and cigarettes from when my sitch started.) I also quit caring for my vocal chords and throat once I lost my career.

3. And the real biggie.....not sure if I've ever mentioned it here, but I am seriously SCARED TO DEATH to fly. It is a big fear and I've been known to pass up a 1-hour flight and choosing to make a 6-hour drive instead. I will almost always avoid a plane when I can.(I even dream of plane crashes on a regular basis.) No sir. Absolutely NOT an airplane fan.

So......

Guess I'll just wait and see what happens.

Tad

Tad,

Wow! A job opportunity. I'd break down brick walls to make it happen...work on healing my vocal chords and stuff it about fear of flying. That could very well be a new chapter for you! And MAKE more money along. What can go wrong right there? The fear of flying in is all in your head. I fly frequently and I am still here.

Better start preparing for an interview. Act as if they will call you for one. I hope you made (or will make) a follow up to that friend thanking him for the nice dinner and to touch base about the announcer position. Keep in touch as they'll remember you.

Tad, things are turning around!!!! You're doing great.

If it's not this job, it will be another. :-)

And, I suspect you could face the flying fear and conquer it. I mean, it's not like you haven't dealt with tons of bad stuff, right? Jus sayin. You don't strike me as someone who can't deal...because YOU ARE!!!

Very nice to hear, Tad.

Yep, that's a bi** of a fear to have, but it's something that can be dealt with. And while not ideal (what is though, right?) can I make a suggestion?

Go for it. As LoisB (Heather) points out - you've been through far far far worse. Your prospects are to either continue as is or change (seems familiar to many here) right? I'd say working to overcome the fear of flying is less work than dragging your sagging a** out of bed each day.

As for the vocals... this is an arena job? Not radio? I'm sure you'll be fine, if not a bit more mature

Talking is like falling off a log - most people can. Some, like you, can do it better than most and make it entertaining.

I have to say, Tad. Things are starting to go in a positive direction. And at the same time too. That's something new for you

In fact, I'd say that what you describe is as close to normal as I've heard you talk about in years.

Good stuff.

AJ

Thanks everyone. I'm going to take your advice and go for it. There is actually another position open as well.

The announcer job which I mentioned earlier would be nice, but the other one is for a sound engineer which I could also do. Honestly, I'd rather have the sound position just because my voice and confidence is shot, but I'd take either one of them.

I've already got resumes and applications in. Now, it is just a waiting game.

To be honest, even though I REALLY HATE FLYING, I just may have to suck it up. I think it is exactly what I need. Not sure what it pays, but the company is HUGE. (You've heard of their productions.) It also comes with all the benefits.

Please keep your fingers crossed.

Tad

Fingers crossed. Toes too. Heck, I'll cross my ears if it will help...

Quote:

To be honest, even though I REALLY HATE FLYING, I just may have to suck it up. I think it is exactly what I need. Not sure what it pays, but the company is HUGE. (You've heard of their productions.) It also comes with all the benefits.

Trust your instincts. That's a pretty strong statement.

Fingers, toes, ears, eyes...all crossed.

Thanks everyone for all the well wishes.

Nothing new really....just wanted to check in.

Still hoping I get that job.

Nothing yet.

Tad

Hello everyone. Just stopping by.

I've been down this week. Not sure if it is because my friend went back to Chicago or the fact that it's been a year this month since mom told the boys and me that she was sick. Seems like only yesterday.

I'm in a funk. I need my life to improve. I want my life to improve.....I just don't know HOW to improve it.

I can't continue like this.

Still no word on the job and still have not heard from my brother.

"I just don't know HOW to improve it."

By DOING something to improve it. Sitting around, talking about what you can't or don't want to do isn't going to do anything.

Have you gone back to therapy yet?

I know Mr. Bond.....I'm trying...I really am....

Have not gone back to the therapy yet.

Kind of a weird Mother's Day around here.

I was hoping to go to my mom's and my grandmother's graves today, but didn't have the gas. The gas in the car may get me to work tomorrow.

Ever since BD and all this mess started, XW has made it a point to see our sons on Mother's Day. She made no attempt this year....pretty weird for her. (Pretty weird that the boys made no attempt either.) As far as I know, she didn't even talk to any of them today with the exception of S23 who happened to message her on FB. S23 thought that it was odd that she posted a picture of herself and the boys from LAST YEAR'S Mother's Day on her FB page, but made no attempt to even see them this year. Her relationship with our sons has been reduced to an occassional FB message or "goodnight" text. Of course, I'm the blame for this still I'm sure.

It's just so sad.

I saw my brother yesterday while driving the cab. I didn't speak to him, because I saw him from a distance and I was told by Adult Protective Services to make no contact as long as the investigation is going on. He was in a bad part of town and looked like he was making a drug deal with two really rough looking women. I'm pretty sure he is homeless.

Three of my boys continue to work and help me out. The fourth is looking for a job. It is a good thing too because I am making no money driving. On days that I work, I usually just barely make enough for us to eat for the day and to put 5 or 10 bucks in my gas tank. Then, it is gone. Still trying to get food stamps, but of course it is a little more difficult now because with the type of job that I have, it is kind of hard to prove my income. Every time, I think I have everything together, they tell me I need something else.

Still no word from my friend and that big job opportunity. I sure wish something would pop soon.

Ug...

Tad

Originally Posted By: tadpole1025

Still no word from my friend and that big job opportunity. I sure wish something would pop soon.

Ug...

Tad

Tad, you CANNOT sit back and 'wish' for things to pop soon. You've got to take ACTION toward your goals. Call your friend to check in and show your continued interest. Why not try to be a limo driver? Isn't there money to be made right there?

Take a look at your own skill set and then figure out ways to branch out. Talk to your Divorce Care group and learn what they do for a living. You might be able to make a connection or few with them that would be helpful to you career wise.

Network...network, buddy!

Thanks Wonka. I took your advice and called him. The details are in my new thread that I started.

It is here:

I'm Just About Ready For The Fork

Tad