[url=willbewell]willbewell[/url]
help with response please...h is telling me his job is going to be asking him to move. I knew changes were coming with a new boss. I've asked h why he couldn't take a different job to stay in our same city. h is not going to do it.
he does get to have some say as to where he goes.
one of cities is where ow is.
what do I respond to this?
oh, I see. have a nice life then.
ok, so I guess we better push D along.
oh, no worries, I am sure the kids will understand it is just your job...
maybe this is part of the big plan for me...
WBW,
There's really not much you can say about where his job takes him or which city he chooses to work in...but you could ask him how he is planning to visit w/his children once the relocation takes place.
Don't know why I am afraid of this... I have been a 'single parent' for 20 months. Not D'd yet, but I do take care of all kid stuff.
what will be different if D is pushed thru?
I do worry about finances. So far, h has continued to pay bills.
h wants to be done and move on.
I wish I could say the same!
I don't like the stigmatism of D.
Maybe I am giving up. I have to tell myself over and again, h is not coming back...
It's not giving up, it's moving on.
Yes..and the "Stigma" of divorce has, right or wrong, mostly evaporated.
It's just too common to have a big negative attach.
Why not view yourself as a survivor of it, rather than a victim or failure?
Why not see your personal growth and emerging self, as a victory?
When we exercise choice, we taste freedom. We are not trapped or stuck.
When given the choice, which you are, you can view it positively, or at least more usefully - than the "negative only" viewpoints.
Choose to see this in a way that empowers you, b/c it can.
I agree w/25 that the stigma of divorce is mostly evaporated. So many people are getting them done that people don't blink an eye at the word much any longer.
You are only a victim if you choose to view yourself that way. However, to stand up and do what is right for you and your children is being a survivor. You are not a failure and you aren't the one that walked away....he did.
Start looking at your glass as half full rather than half empty. Start looking around you and your environment for the positives and you'll begin to see that the world is waiting to embrace you for who you are.
Don't know why I am afraid of this... I have been a 'single parent' for 20 months. Not D'd yet, but I do take care of all kid stuff.
what will be different if D is pushed thru?
IF you protect yourself legally/financially, Not much will be different.
It may FEEL different b/c it may feel more final. But a divorce really is a piece of paper, when it comes to reconciliation. Meaning, something like 15% of divorces that get finalized, end up with the former spouses remarrying each other.
And of divorces filed, 1/3 are never finalized. Surely some of
those are reconciliations.
It'll be "final" when YOU decide it is. But DO see a L. It's not making things worse or "rocking the boat" to stop trying to control the outcome. On the contrary, trying to control what you cannot control, makes things worse.
Plus, you have kids who cannot afford for you to "make nice" with your h at their expense. Not saying you would, but I have seen a LOT of wives try to placate WAHs' by giving up on alimony or CS and that money is needed for the KIDS..
But Some of that is the kids' money that the moms are giving away, which is wrong AND which helps the WAH with his OW...is that really helping the kids?
...do right by your kids and at least you won't have any regrets down the road.
Sometimes that^^ is the only clarity you get for awhile...do right by them.
I do worry about finances. So far, h has continued to pay bills.
h wants to be done and move on.
Maybe this ^^ would make him more cooperative in the settlement proceedings. Use it to YOUR advantage.
I wish I could say the same!
I don't like the stigmatism of D.
Maybe I am giving up. I have to tell myself over and again, h is not coming back...
You don't have to tell yourself that 'h is not coming back", so much as telling yourself
"We will be just fine in the long run, no matter what h does"
and ^^^that, my friend, is TRUE.
When you GAL, you will be much more able to DETACH and when you DETACH
you can LET GO, which is Not giving up. IT's just you moving on...if your h has his own awakening, he'll know how to reach you and do what it takes to recon.
YOU take care of YOU and your kids now. That has to be your focus b/c they need you more now than ever. Be here now, be fully present for them.
Release your h to his 'Mission" and stop challenging his choices. The more you challenge his choices, the more you force him to defend those choices.
He knows it's
a lousy thing to do to walk away.
But until he "discovers" that the grass is NOT greener on the other side, and that the trade off is NOT worth it, all your words will go unheard by him. Yes it's a lousy thing he is doing to them. Yes it is unfair!
You have to minimize his damage
by Not bad mouthing him to them, (b/c it really is destructive to the kids)
and by making sure their legal/financial rights (and yours) are protected.
So do this^^ and do Your work, (e.g. GAL, Detaching, etc) and things will get easier for you, in time.
.
thanks everyone. h is on his way over to 'talk' . I know, I have been here before.
he dropped off his work paperwork showing the changes coming in his job. I guess we will discuss this and how it impacts the kids.
D has already been filed( back in Oct)
temp orders drafted but no movement other than that.
I will listen. validate.
I do feel h will do right by us financially. I think he feels tremendous guilt.
I do GAL. I recognize that I am not detached.
All of my core friend group are intact marriages. My siblings have great spouses.
In our society D has just become the new normal...that is what I don't like.
I know my positives. I know joy and happiness. I know I did not fail at this. I have waited, been kind, been patient
I will/do miss h.
I trust in God
ok, wish me luck.
holding pattern continues. thought h was coming over while d's friend was here playing(and thus occupied) he chose to come after I took friend home. then d is around so not so easy to talk...
the job will be decided by mid-march. company wants them moved by end-march.
h says he will request current city as well as another city in our State. Atleast ow city wasn't high on his list...we'll see.
they will put him where they want him.
There are 8 others that do h's same job. 7 years ago, company wanted all the 9 here. that is why we moved here. Now company wants them back out in "the field"
h does not want to change depts. in order to stay in our current city. of the 8 others like h, there are 2 that are married with kids. the rest are all divorced.
nothing really to discuss until decision is made as to where he will go.
if he has to move, then we will have to figure out when and how to see the kids.
I won't think about it until then...
not a thing I can do about it.
Thank you guys for checking in on my. Time to get lunches made and get to class.
Busy week ahead,but all good
going to a school event with h tonight. well meeting there. I am taking d.
really I could blow him off, but I won't. not the polite thing to do. we will sit together.
I will be pleasant.
tomorrow he will go to s17 race out of town. d and I sitting this one out.
h has been out of town all week. hasn't seen d since last sun.
she loves him. must admit, I get ticked off him playing involved dad. what little he gives is wonderful in her eyes.
that's ok though. Really its better that way. I need to learn a little from d, that unconditional stuff!
Get an email from my L today saying that the D petition will be moved to dismiss docket on May 20th.
Probably took h by surprise too. nothing has been discussed.
he is about to find out about job changes with a possible out of state move.
Wonder if this will speed it right along.
ive been content sitting....
hang in there, take it one day at a time. The finalized papers won't change anything really, since you're already living separately. I sort of think my H is hoping that once it is final (in April) that he'll magically be happy. Doesn't really work that way! Hopefully yours will make an effort to be a good dad. The only thing you can control is being the best mom you can and i'm sure you're doing that already. take care of you and remember to breathe and pray and find time for your own well being.
Tina
s20 is home for spring break. love having him home! s17 and d15 do too. h came and had dinner with us tonight.
as I mentioned earlier, there has been no movement legally since the D petition was filed( by h) in Oct. Got an email from my L saying it will be put on the dismissal docket in May.
waiting...
h has said nothing about this to me yet. however,
h did send an email to me yesterday saying "thank you for all I have ever done for him". he does say that he is sorry for the sit. he says he will "help me with the kids when he can"
he will admit what we had was (he uses past tense) real and a great life, and that I will continue to have one. perhaps even a better than the life with him"
I don't think he is being manipulative.
I do think he wants to end it and not harm me further. he says he too has hurt and pain
He will say hurt and pain is just a part of life. I had asked him one time before to stop saying sorry if he wasn't going to do anything about it.
it is also a very strong possibility that h is moving out of town because of his job. it has been a stressful start to the year at his job.
I have asked nothing about ow. I know he feels bad about lying.
church and grocery shop tomorrow. that will be good. kids off for spring break- me too! I will still do some studying thru the week.
I've not shared this with anyone. want to share here.
s20 is going to see C today. he has made appointment on his own.
When I picked him up at the a/p on Sat. he arrives with no bagor backpack and reeking.
He had not been to bed. a night of drinking had led him to lose his glasses, phone and keys.
he didn't lose his wallet! That happened on an earlier occasion.
s20 is a good smart kid, but he is so quirky.I think he is looking for something...I felt this way even before the sit with h and me. I have spoken to him numerous times before about the drinking.
He has had to attend alcohol awareness classes. He got a PI at 19.
He beats himself up over his behavior.s20 says I know I messed up...
I will follow up with the C. She tells S20, that I am paying, I get to know. s20 is pretty upfront about everything.
I'm very sorry to come here today and read about your son. I hope that the "C" can be of some assistance to him. It sounds like he's got some internal issues to deal with.
If he continues, he may need to consider going into a rehab to completely "dry out" and work on getting his life back on track.
Good luck today!
it was a good appointment. I think s20 is doing ok. he has made some stupid choices. He realizes this.
s20 has been great with d15. I am so lucky for the love my kids have for one another. it is a gift.
h and boys went to a movie last night.
still nothing from h in regards to D . I will not bring up the dismissal date of May 20.
still nothing about possible move for h. he sent an email to me yesterday...still more changes at his job...
love the weather we are having! s20 and I cleaned patio furniture yesterday. more to do today outside.
got some hw done and got to watch some shows with s17 on Netflix. all good stuff
h just stopped by to take d to gymnastics and my heart still flutters. Good God, what is wrong with me?
Can't seem to stop. impossible to go NC. because of kids.
I am on my way out to GAL right now. I am praying and praying for what to do.
D15 bday is sunday. We will all go out to dinner Sat night.
sunday we will take s20 to A/P to go back to school. afterwards d wants us to go to a movie. she wants h to go too. h's reply is that he thought just d and s17 were going. I said whatever d wants...
d 15 birthday is tomorrow. going for a family dinner tonight. a little annoyed that h gets to come along. gets to play happy family. what choice to I have? no advantage to being snarky. have to suck it up and let him be.
not about me. not about h. it is about d15 bday and what she wants.
watched gravity with kids last night. that was joy.
spring break has been great. have gotten a lot done. love having s20 home.
dinner went fine. D15 had fun. I had put all of our names on the gifts( h, myself and boys)Boys got her a gift as well. H brought a gift, but didn't give to her. not sure why. I found it in his cabinet. It is a heart necklace. h was here yesterday doing our taxes. I thanked him for taking care of that.
I feel I am coming to the crossroads.
all along I have been slow to get the DB process,
Thinking opposite
Not realizing Gal was for me solely and not to make h jealous( he doesn't really care what I do)
Detaching was for me...not to make h miss me.
Thinking I am afraid to " be divorced" when in reality I have been alone now for going on 2 years.
Still trying to resolve in my head... How is it possible that he no longer likes ME, wants to be with ME??
sure, I want to believe that perhaps it is that I remind him of getting older...or that I represent responsibility... that this is the MLC
I take the advice to sit, and be still. That is all I have done. Is it time to do something different? Push the D?
Go forward? even though still not what I want...
I am kidding myself to say I want D. I am kidding myself to think h is coming back when he has given 0 indication.
2 years in. I still trust in God and God's plan. Want to hear God say clearly,,, What are you waiting for WBW?
Yeah, more than just signing my name on some piece of paper...
got to do the the health insurance, the car insurance, how do we handle the life insurance. got to go through all the financials...why is that put on me when its not what I want? Oh, I know- until I choose to get into all the mess of paperwork, then I remain stuck. happily letting h just continue to take care of bills.
what do we do about the long term care of D who will NEVER live alone? Can't just sign her up for this or that camp or this or that aftercare.
I appreciate you always being quick with the response GM, but just because you have already been thru it doesn't mean it is an easy thing to do.
I'm off to school. that is something I can do, that gives me peace and happiness...
Yep - it's good that you've grasped that - I noticed that too, GAL is for US because they don't even know or ask about it. They simply do not care. Detaching is to protect yourself. It's a lot to process, it's simple in nature but hard to do. I'm still new at this so it's baby steps. It's hard sometimes to accept that the person you knew and loved could switch off like that, almost instantly. In retrospect I see things now that I missed before, small signs, but now he's a stranger and worse than that because a stranger would probably be kinder to me. A stranger passing me in the street usually says "how are you" lol, I don't even get that anymore. Seeing that some of these guys never come out of it is a hard pill to swallow. Since we can't predict the future, just have to move forward as if he'll never come back. Have you noticed changes in yourself 2 years in?
reading this morning what labug. 25. keep going posting on Melissa's thread. Needing to pay attention and listen myself...
Had a terrible day yesterday.
I so allowed my self esteem to take a hit.
I did not do well in my class yesterday. Was attempting a check off skill for class and the teacher actually said "failed" . The tears immediately started rolling. I had to excuse myself.
I am a grown woman and I am crying over a stupid grade!
What the heck is that all about?
Why am I so afraid of and bothered by failing? of losing?
I knew my mistake. My mistake was a real one...
I was not able to shrug it off. I kept telling myself this over and again...shrug it off. Another chance tomorrow.
stop being so hard on myself!
I think of excuses. why did this bother me so? because I am telling myself I s@ck at this.... Its that voice in my head.
I don't want to be a big crybaby.
I don't want people saying oh wbw its so great you've gone back to school!
I am just sharing here. I just want to be done with this. so I recognize "my issues" Sure, they stem back. just trying to figure it out...
I can be sad and disappointed at what life has given me, but I can be equally happy and exuberant at the blessings of my life as well. Yes that is where I put my focus.
Yes, I am a person who wants to do good and want others to do good as well.
being here, I have recognized that I am too judgemental. This is one of my personal goals to work on.. I want to feel annoyed with others less, and compassion more.
I know I allow others by their words or choices,to push my buttons- why is this? Why do I feel my blood pressure rise just because of what someones says? What is the benefit of that? not a thing only high blood pressure. I want to let that go!
Today is a new day. I can check off on my skill again. I can go in with the thought that the teacher is just trying to get me to be a better student. It is school afterall...it is for learning! I will do fine.
Willbwell, why are worrying about the D. Did I understand it correctly that your H is not doing anything about it and that the petition will be dismissed? Let him figure out the financial stuff too. You will have a say in it, but let him do the work. The only thing I would be thinking about is a long term care for your D15. You can just tackle this without even bringing the D subject.
If you don’t want the D, don’t push for it. You will know when the time is right for you. That said, you cannot stop him if he wants to push it. Just be prepared. And let it go. Once again, what you resist, persists.
I got to check off my skills again. did fine. First time around, I was too rushed, nervous , not paying attention...
I want to do well in my classes. I want to understand what I am learning.
s17 has a race this weekend. the venue is 3 hrs away. D16 and I will drive up and back same day. not sure what h is doing. think he will go. IDK. I haven't asked. Think it is so silly to take 2 cars. oh well.
GM, thank you. I will come back to this because there are some thoughts and issues about myself that I truly want to work thru.
Please don't think here we go again... my next post is about h.
Need to get feedback advice on my response.I want to be prepared.
I will call and make app with DB coach tomorrow. I still have another session, but in the meantime...
H's job has indicated a job move. there has been very little communication between h and myself these last weeks.
I texted today, "anything"
h texted back "tomorrow, 2 cities, one in our state( 2hr flt), and one in state where ow lives.(4hr flt)
If h says he is "asked" to go to city where ow is...I know I can't stop it, can't do anything about it.
How do I respond?
Good luck h? ...
I know what I would like to say is no where near so kind. My smart aleck response would be... well isn't that convenient?
say nothing? just nod and say, I see??/
busy day today and I am out of coffee!
it is for my own curiosity. she works underneath him which is against company policy. Could impact his job, thus me and my kids presently. although, I know this has been now going on two years with no reprecussions...
any money, time spent with ow and her kids is taken away from my children. Can't do a thing about it.
d16 is good and sweet as are my boys. I know it will hurt for them to welcome some ow as dad's friend.
no good from asking about ow...
some good I am sure will happen down the road(for me) as a result of all of this. can't see it now, but trusting this to be true.
Will, I can sooooo relate to where you are at right now. I really get it. There's this fine line where I feel powerless and empowered. So much of the time, I'm walking a fence between the two.
For me, I need to turn it over to God. My kids aren't getting the childhood I envisioned for them. I'm not getting the marriage I envisioned. Does it mean things will turn out badly? No. But, definitely not what I planned and hoped for myself and my family.
I was thinking this morning how this journey has been such a rollercoaster...much like others mention. A rollercoaster in the dark of night and we have no idea where it's headed.
It's like the MLC-er sets the coaster in motion. We are hanging on for dear life. We start heading up the first hill, it's scary and we feel powerless because we are buckled in and we can't stop the motion. We hear the click-click-click-click. We know what's coming and we are screaming, begging, yelling, crying...anything to get the coaster to stop. Truth is, the MLC-er can't stop it anymore than we can.
Then, we plummet.
And, we realize we won't die after all. It's a coaster and somehow we are still alive.
What we don't see, in the beginning especially, is how we have a panic button. We can push the button at any time and get off. We can even get our kids off.
Does it stop the MLC-er on his/her journey? No, the coaster keeps going up and down and up and down. But, we can become a place of serenity and calm as we watch from the benches below.
Our kids are getting the shid end of the stick. That much is fact. Sometimes, they are forced to ride along. Sometimes, we are forced to ride along. BUT, WE ALWAYS have the choice to go back to the benches. And, we can teach our kids that same skill.
I think this is an invaluable tool in life. The lesson where you learn how to handle difficult people and difficult situations. In a perfect world, we wouldn't have to deal with any of it.
I imagine your daughter is already handling things in a way we could learn from. She is more likely, IMO, to handle this instinctively as God would want. With pain, confusion, some frustration, but also with love, acceptance and forgiveness.
thanks Heather, what you say is so true...
same ole same ole here...
classes are good. ready to be done and start actually using these skills. know I should be careful what I wish for!
h has not heard on the job yet. don't know if he is in or out of town. supposedly announcing now this Fri.
My bday is Thur and plan to take kids to dinner Fri eve.have d16 bday party with friends on Sat.
Went to an auction event last Sat with a gf. H stopped by to pick up kids so at least he got to see me dressed killer!
I made an appointment with the L who has done the spec needs trust for d16. This L also did our wills. told L the appointment is to discuss d16 and planning for her guardianship. did not tell this L about D. I will.
also, think I will go ahead and make an app with financial planner. Have had a telephone convo with him. A friend of mine is also a financial planner ,but think I should not use her...
again, D is on docket to be dismissed on May 20. there has been no discussion between h and myself. Is he waiting for me to tire and push forward?
this time of year gets busy with s17 races. d 16 also does spec Olympic track. we have something almost every weekend.
I do love the book, Broken heart on hold. I know I want peace and joy in my life. I know I have that fulfillment of joy with my children, my friends and family, my faith... I wait for h and feel compassion for h. I hope it will be so clear cut to me when I say, I can wait no more... I guess I still can for now because I wouldn't do anything different right now..
I can be alone. I do know my gifts and I like who I am. I can always learn and do better! I do know eventually, I want a partner.
I have been contemplating coming into my 49th year...
Willbwell, it looks like you are making some progress regarding financial matters and about your D16. One step at a time. This is good.
I’m in the same boat. No discussion about D, and I’m not doing it myself, at least for now. Time will tell when I’m ready. I also think that everybody is different and need different time to heal. Take your time. There is no point forcing it because you are getting older. Take care of yourself.
hey hi-
just reading around- you are sounding very strong and philosophical.
I was thinking this morning how this journey has been such a rollercoaster...much like others mention. A rollercoaster in the dark of night and we have no idea where it's headed.
wow- have you got that right. it will be three years in july since i "found out" what my life(w/h) REALLY was/is - instead of what i thought.
i am still here- i have no idea why- other than i am just going about my life as it is at moment because i cannot bear to upset another applecart in life or think of being totally alone. still hoping God/universe presents me with the appropriate "answer" one of these days/years...
my mom just passed away- and when you were saying about your children's less than perfect childhood- i'd just say that my dad died 45 years ago and mom took over being mother and fther. she was unprepared in every way- but dug in her heels- raised us all- supported the family- DID THE JOB and has raised daughters who are strong and independent. whatever else she did or was- she provided an example and values that came stright thru every mess in life. what she was- what we've become.
kids learn to deal with what they are given- maybe no life is perfect- you sound like you're being the best you possible- it will be "enough" if it has to be.
did that make sense? thanks for sharing-
the ow in the new job place- i'd probably not be able to rise abov3e the ratty comment- so good for you.
i'm soooooo "contained" all the time and discreet- maybe i'm getting tired of this all- we'll see.
Today is my birthday. Feel happy. just went to yoga. having lunch with a girlfriend. Picking up dinner tonight for kids and me so I don't have to cook!
got a bday card from h. it was funny. told him thank you.
was here to take d to school. I was standing where he had to go past me, no physical contact...but that is ok. I get it.
d is going to stay fri night with h. told s17 I want to go see a movie for my bday. He said ok. Yeah! that makes me happy!
Happy Birthday!
Enjoy your special day!
Happpppppppyyyyyy Birthdaaaaaaayyyyy!!!!
Enjoy your day. This will be the best YEAR EVER!! :-)
Lots of Love,
Heather
Thank you! It will be a good year! I can have expectations for myself right?
Happy belated birthday!!!
Willbwell, happy belated Birthday!
h just left with d.
I asked him about the work situation. He said he found out on Tue he was going to the city where ow is. I asked did he request it. he said it was 4th on his list. I asked if he was still involved with ow. he said no.
I said how he could see why that city would be especially bothersome to me. He offered nothing further. he says ow is no longer in that city. he finally shared new city where ow is.
I feel he is still protecting her. only giving the info because I ask.
next he asked if I had spoken to my L. I said no. He said he got a call from his L saying my L said I didn't want the D.
I told h "I never wanted the D"
I don't think his L told him about the D being moved to be dismissed. He asked me what does that mean.... I said since there had been no action it was being sent to dismissal. I said his L should have known that same as mine.
He then left with d.
I want to believe him. I still see the sadness and pain. He is stressed. I don't think he has any joy. makes me sad.
I don’t know if your H is protecting OW… He is probably protecting his ego. He is ashamed to admit that it didn’t work out with OW. I don’t see why he could lie about not being involved with OW any more. If they are no longer together, then I see why he is not doing anything about the D.
Like Job would say, sit quite and the answers will come to you. Keep doing what you’ve been doing, no R talk. Don’t bring D subject unless he asks.
I will sit quiet. I wish those darn answers would come though! I won't bring up D talk.
WAS moving to another state. how and when will he see the kids? IDK. d16 is not flying out to see him. anybody else in this same sit?
He most likely will either text, email or post to them via FB for a while. Who knows, he may even arrange to see them over a long extended holiday weekend...but that's not something you have any control over right now.
Now, don't expect him to contact you or the children all of the time after he moves. He's going to be in euphoria about moving and checking out the new location. Eventually that will get old and then the contact will begin.
He's made up his mind and he's going. for now, wish him well and then continue on w/your life. He needs to make this journey in order to grow up.
he knows the area he will be moving to. we have lived there before. I see this as less and less contact with the kids. that has already started.
All I said to h was I know he will do well in his job.
I sit, I pray. My friends all think I am crazy.
Anything I have done in my life, I have done with enthusiasm and gusto. I have had setbacks, but I think I still move forward...
Even having a child with a disability, I would read, research. there was no stopping me...not what I wanted( having a child with medical issues), but I marched forward.
I can't seem to take this D on.
I keep hearing, reading... it will get better, I will get through to the other side.
I am in similar sitch. H left to another country over a year ago. It's very similar to how job described it.... Very little contact after he left.. Euphoria etc. contact started again slowly about 8 or nine months later. Contact today is more frequent - more responsive rather than initiating. More involved though.
Truely focus on yourself and the kids- be authentic with yourself- find you- learn how to support your kids and teach them skills to manage their pain. Everyday find ways to feel some peace.,you will get stronger and your fear will be confronted. You will be challenged so use your tools to help you. Don't think about him. Really do not think about him.
We are here for you and you can do this
my authentic self is family and friend oriented. I do believe in doing good and doing my best. when I mess up...I do kick myself. I try and remember and not become complacent.
I am taking a study break just now...I focus on my classes. On my list is to improve my typing skills, to do my resume.
As part of my classes, I will do an externship in August.
I am taking care of these things I need to do for me.
I am taking care of what I need to do for kids. Presently that means organzing their summer activities...and of course, the regular day to day.
This I can do and I do it very well. I know that. I enjoy doing it.
It is hard( as everyone knows) to not think about our spouse.
I don't hold anger towards him. if anything I am so sad for what he is missing. He's a grown up though, I know that. I think there is underlying depression and guilt that is too much for him. He doesn't want to recognize it.
easier to just walk away. He knows I am a strong woman. He knows I will take care of our children.
almost, I would like to say to him the Cheryl Crow song line...
If it makes you happy, why the hell are you so sad?
got the still want the D email from h today.
he thought I asked for it to be dismissed.
in my head I know, let go....I have been doing a lot of thinking on fears. Can't write about it now. s17 needs computer for HW and I need to do hw too.
my way of avoiding
the fear is not being good enough.
I am not looking for praise. Sure, there is plenty that I am good at. I am a good mother, sister, friend, citizen.
The question I asked myself is why am I so afraid? What am I afraid of? and it is that deep down thought of not being good enough.
of course it is ok to make mistakes as long as we learn from them. And, I get that we are going to make mistakes in life.
Those thoughts pop up...I'll be in class, or taking a test, and that voice is whispering in my ear... undermining me.
"you don't really know what you are doing. all this time and effort spent studying and still clueless"
Why so self defeating?
I recognize that this is my fear, But how the hell to get rid of it???
sadly I've let my failed marriage compound it too.
I am not a negative or unhappy person. I am not a perfectionist. I know my good qualities and yet this fear of not being good enough.
I help at my daughters school and that gives me joy. If I do some random act, that gives me joy.
I do see beauty in the world and it brings me to tears. I cry at the hallmark comercials.
I think I swing in both directions feeling intense sadness but also know I can feel intense joy.
been a hectic stressful week. semester coming to an end and getting work dumped upon us. trying to just keep my head above water!
D will stay with h this sat night. s17 will be out of town at a race. I have plans with a gf, but would love to just stay home, do some studying and maybe watch a movie.
know I should go out...
d is going to dismissal docket in may. H says he still wants d and thinks we can come to a mutually agreeable settlement.
I did see a financial planner and have made copies of taxes.
I will only do it if my L looks over settlement figures.
I am coming on the two year mark.
a lot of changes for kids and me. First summer in 20+ years I am not "at home". yes, my boys are big and independent , not D. I will have to have care for her( she is cognitively about 5)My classes go thru summer then an 8 hr a day internship. Time to join the real world I suppose.
Have had a great life. Can be thankful for that!
once again, we are talking about the d
told him to send me his proposal...percentages, thoughts on house, insurance etc...
going to a school function tonight. h has backed out. said he does not want to go.
don't know what I am so afraid of. I have been doing it on my own for 2 years.
h has become more and more detached. minimal time with the kids.
he will be moving to another city.
Wish I were stronger wish I could just do it.
Will, you ARE strong. Maybe you don't see it right now, but that doesn't mean it you aren't strong.
I'm facing the fear right now. I never thought I could. Last night, I thought I might die from it. But, I didn't. It was crazy. I don't know the whys or the hows of the fear, but I'm still feeling it. I just am and it's not killing me.
You are right, you HAVE been doing this already for two years.
If I can do this, you can too. :-)
Much Love,
Heather
WBW,
You are as strong as you need to be. You are already that strong and you have already been able to put one foot in front of the other for two years.
And you know what? It gets easier with time. Hold onto that when one step a day is all you can take.
Sending you good energy and peace!
hey hi-
just wanted to say hang on- you sound like you're doing okay. it's hard, it's a long long "recuperation" broken heart, broken life, etc. life is really full of fears and things we can't control.
i feel them sometimes too, they immobilize me sometimes , but then there are times when i honestly realize i don't give a sh!t and will deal with whatever happens when it happens- and can turn off brain/worry.
i think alot of my mom's life and that when my dad died, and she was 42 with five kids and no means of support really, and not even highschool diploma (got it later) and honestly- as scary a life's prospect as you could ask. (and she took care of him at home thru dying and it was not at all easy or nice) - so there's a shattered exhausted woman with five kids & not much else...
i take heart. she was a simple woman- she did an amazing job- paid her own way her rest of whole life. never had to ask anyone for anything- gave each kid a little start with some college - kept roof over our heads - even ended up with an "estate" to leave. how- one wonders - sheer determination not to drop the ball i guess -
i'm awash with admiration for what this woman accomplished - the magnitude of it - in this world we live in. an unsung hero- there are millions i'm sure.
all her crabbiness aside and my own non-perfection - it all falls away when someone dies - and the best side of them is seeable again- clear of day to day crappola that hyurts you and bogs you down. you'll prevail - we all will i think-
by virtue of fact we're here trying rather than laying down and dying- we'll all be amazed in the end - what we've accomplished in our lives - with our lives (i'm pretty darn sure)
xxoo
man, its a tough day. trying to push the bad thoughts away. well, I am recognizing them, having my cry. feeling it. I am telling myself to stop. stop the negative, self defeating talk.
This will not defeat me. There are of course way worse things.
the sun is shining today. that is a good thing.
Heather, Portia, Nero...Thank you. Thank you....
such dang hard work. The other day I thought...who is going to take care of me?? I do tell myself to Trust that it will all work out.
I think about my mom too... my dad died when I was 6. She raised all 7 of us on her own. I never once remember seeing her crying or unable to get up off the sofa... She had tremendous faith.
limbo time is over. I have waited. Time to let h go.
I have feared and dreaded it. Perhaps I have stalled it.
Now I need to facetrack . I need and want to move on.
I talked to a coach yesterday. we talked about the Last resort letter.
I am saying nothing to h presently.
instead of saying to h that I love and respect him enough to let him go. That I understand that he wants the d, I want to say... go to h#ll. his choice to walk away from a great family. Hope he finds that elusive happiness.
I got to go for now. I want to check in on some of you guys- see what's going on in your sits.
willbwell,
I say that to myself all the time "go to hell" or "fv*& him" and yeah "hope you found that happiness". Better to keep that to yourself or journal it to get it out along with other things to get out the anger so it doesn't eat you alive. exercise, pray, journal, play loud music and dance yourself into exhaustion
Actually saying it to h will not make you feel better and it won't help your sitch but my guess is you already know that and you're just venting - which is a good thing, also a good release. vent away! If you're looking for a good book to help you move on, "Rebuilding when your relationship ends" has helped me tremendously, by Dr. Bruce Fisher. They use it in divorce support groups and I can testify that over the 6 weeks that i've read it - I feel like i've made amazing progress within myself. Trying to turn this MLC into a "creative learning experience" lol. anything to put a positive spin on this horrible turmoil. Take care
things are gonna get brighter
Will,
such dang hard work. The other day I thought...who is going to take care of me?? I do tell myself to Trust that it will all work out.
Me too.
I've glued to the couch a lot this winter. A lot. I'm beginning to hate our couch!! Lol.
Last night, I watched Emma for the upmteenth time. I was thinking about how I was convinced, as a young girl, that this was how the world of romance worked. We all found our Mr. Darcy or Mr. Knightly and things were just meant to be.
Maybe ours was meant to be, but not in the way we hoped.
Anyway, I was mourning my own Mr. Knightly when I happened upon a bio of Grace Kelly. It was all fluff and wonderful and yadda, yadda...and, I felt myself sinking a bit further.
So, I mentioned on my thread how I couldn't sleep last night. I searched up something about Grace Kelly. Turns out, maybe you've heard, Nicole Kidman has been filming a movie about what some say is the "reality" of Grace's life. And, it wasn't all peaches and cream.
The movie reveals a very different Prince Rainier...someone who was very controlling, unfaithful and abusive to Grace.
She may have been forced to remain in the marriage because she would lose her children otherwise.
I think God put this particular news about the Grace Kelly movie in front of my face for a reason. He seems to KNOW what HE is doing, that Lord of ours.
I watch Emma, I lose myself in peaches and fluff, I watch peaches and fluff about Grace Kelly...AND, THEN, I learn there may be another truth. A very sad truth about her life that she was forced to keep secret. It's only coming out 30 years later. She may have been forced to remain in the marriage because she would lose her children otherwise.
Make a list Wills.
What will you gain if/when H is NOT your husband? Seriously, think about it.
I'm sure there are advantages. What are they??
You are a wonderful, giving, loving, loyal, sweet woman who knows the day-in-day-out hardships and sweet payoffs of mothering a child with special needs.
What he is doing is sad, but is it also a gift? For me, my daughter would NEVER had made the progress she has with Smokey living here. He was too judgmental and tempermental. His absence has made it safe for her to feel safe.
Is your H able to see you as you really are? And, more to the point, is he able to value you as you really are?? I see the above and I haven't even met you in person.
TL72, yours went so fast. I've been in this limbo thing two full years. I know it is not healthy for me this secretly hanging on to any little seemingly kindness from h that gets me all hoping.
His story is the exact same as the others in MLC, I feel pretty certain of that.
I am tired of crying. d is coming on. now sometimes think lets get this done.
Heather, it is said around here...why did this happen for me instead to to me?
H is no longer my husband. what have I gained?
Definitely, I am more spiritual. I am giving it over to God. I have always been a positive person. I have always tried to look for good.
I know I am trying to be less judgemental...
I am sure some good gift is going to come my way by taking my classes and getting a job( even though getting a job is scary to me at the same time- Why?? Ive not worked outside the home in 20 plus years. I imagine though, one day I will say... I love my job!!
The Grace Kelly story...we just never know what people have going on in their lives...
Thanks for checking in.
I will continue to say nothing to h.
learning of his dating was just another kick in the teeth. It hurts. yep. I want to get thru....
Will -
Are you thinking about writing the letter or have you decided not to?
I feel similarities with your sitch - a non monstering H throwing some crumbs yet completely in another world we are no longer included in. I don't know. More and more I understand the need to just get on with our lives ... Abandon all fear. Every time I am confronted with something regarding H I feel more and more disheartened about the sitch.
So keep moving forward WBW- for you. I'm sure the answers will come for when/if you need to do anything regarding H right now.
Xxx
I listen to NPR every morning as I am getting coffee made. This morning an interview from Story Corp.
A MLC dad who left and then returned to his family and his son. The dad wanted to apologize to the son.
The son said when his dad left, he felt he had to be the man of the house.
The son said when his dad returned, he felt like he was in paradise.
Maybe some MLC person out there will hear it and it will give them pause....
my h doesn't listen to NPR.
Thank you. And yes my children are so amazingly happy. I never realized how loved I truly am by them
my h doesn't listen to NPR.
Neither does mine WBW...
My H teased me all the time for my enthusiasm for NPR. It is awesome.
I have come to a realization about a fear of mine. I recognize it, but how to overcome??
After BD, I went back to school to do a certificate program in the medical field. My classes have been great for me keeping me busy and a distraction.
They will end soon and I will have to get a job. I haven't worked in 20+ years. Being in school is easy. I still had a 2 week break to be home with my kids. Lucky I have been , yes.
I could take a personal day from school if need be...(did that only once) My life and my kids lives are going to be different, no doubt about that.
My fear is getting the job at 49 years old.
I recognize it. know I have to do it.
Yes! You can do this! Think about your fear... what's the worst that could happen? It's not going to hurt you, it's not going to kill you, it could have a lot of GOOD positive things come out of it. Take baby steps, get your resume together, then just start sending it out. Then you could get interviews which can be nerve wracking but think of it as a new experience and a new part of your journey. It will make you stronger just accomplishing that alone. Meeting new people and getting new opportunities. Change is always scary but you just have to remind yourself that it will be ok, you'll learn from every new experience and none of them are going to kill you or put you in jail
this is sort of what I tell myself when i'm afraid of something. I was afraid to go to divorce group, almost didn't go then said to myself, what are you afraid of? those people are in your same position, they're not going to bite or laugh at you, just do it! So I did and I'm stronger for it. Be proud of yourself for taking the classes. You are already becoming an independent woman and it's a good feeling
we're all here to cheer you on!
yes, I need to get the resume done...
Need to figure out how to maximize all my stay at home mom work experience!!
Did ask at a couple of places about "shadowing". They seemed receptive to it. Need to follow up on that ASAP.
Finishing finals next week...
Summer semester begins the week after that.
S17 races out of town next weekend. H booked hotel for me and D16( I guess when he was making his own reserve) I said thank you.
It will be mother's day weekend. I want s20 to come along too. He will just be getting home from college. Don't think he really wants to.
h has not seen kids all week. said he can take D to dance tomorrow, I said that's fine. I plan to go to yoga.
just got the settlement proposal from h. he wants to proceed with the d. made no mention about time with kids.
feeling very, very sad.
I'm sorry to hear this. Some of them just have to prove to themselves and everyone else that a divorce needs to be done in order for them to move on. Quite honestly, the only moving on that they truly do is in their heads (the one that is connected to the neck and shoulders).
Please take care of yourself.
I have been quite nice and accommodating and amicable.
I do the right things for me...therapy, GAL, spiritually.
I do feel the need to lash out a bit. To call h on his BS. that he makes no effort to spend time with the kids. I asked him about time with kids. h says for d16..."whenever I can" about s17- he's so busy.
I get that life is not fair. I get the best revenge is a life well lived. I pray and pray.
I have a test tomorrow...my skills check off which I am nervous about to begin with... I will do fine of course...
I have to give it to GOD. I know in my heart I have done my best. I know this is h's deal.
couldn't sleep last night.
want to say snarky things to stbx.
want to say how this whole thing makes me sick( he knows that)
you know what bothers me... he goes on dates. he has his single life. he spends minimal time with the kids. How am I supposed to be ok with that?
I tell myself to stop.
im just realizing h's narcisstic behavior. He acts as though he is doing me a favor.
he talks about what he has lost...sorry but he is the driver of that bus.
He says he will see the kids whenever he can....always on his time line.
Willbwell,
I'm sorry you are struggling right now. You are correct that life isn't fair. However, there are also consequences to our actions. Please remember your h has to own his relationship with the kids. You shouldn't facilitate or navigate. It's all on him. And while I understand and can relate to the " how can he not see them?", again he must own that and all that comes with it.
We all want to protect our children and it is especially disheartening to protect them from the hurt of someone who loves them. However, it's all on your h.
Be kind to yourself.
did fine on my skills checkoff. now tests are are left. I generally do fine on those.
d16 is up complaining of her throat. we will prob be at dr tomorrow. she gets strept.
need to spend time looking over financials. 3 years spousal and less year by year.
need to talk to my L
3 years spousal support after 21 years of marriage and with a disabled child? What state do you live in??? Most places support would be one half the number of years married (unless your income greatly Increased)
he will support our D forever. and then life insurance is in place for her future care as well.
live in the great state of TX which( I think) is terrible for women(in my case)
we are negotiating all the financials now. gives me a big headache.
at the very best I will made 1/4 of what he does and I do all the kid stuff.
I know its awful and sad to say, but I want him to feel the pinch financially.
he has never thought twice about spending money. way he grew up
he is the one that wants the d.
hey hi-
just reading a bit here and I wanted to tell you that in all probability- it'll be okay- the working thing. I haven't worked in 20 years either- i'm 63 (used to be legal secretary) - last year - for a week or two - i had a job in a trucking firm ( of all things) - just a connection thru a friend. it was nothing like i ever did or (really) could "do" quickly. very complicated old computer input of many paged forms- all numbers- someting you'd have to do all day for a week before you even began to know the ins and outs of it.
POINT IT- I LIKED IT ALOT! it made me remember how nice to get up and have a purpose that day. nice to get a paycheck. nice to put on makeup and dress up with a reason. fun to meet all the new people- each one had their own little quirky side- ya forget about offices full of people. it was very good to go & interact all day- the days sped by.
here's the thing- when they realized they didn't really need me in this particular job - which i did rite away and took them two weeks - i didn't even mind getting let go. it was the right decision- my age & self-worth i guess made it not personal. it was all positive- the goofy little two week sting. it MADE ME REMEMBER that work is okay, and i don't mind it really. i wasn't making much money- it just didn't matter.
it was some other place & way of looking at life & type of life- OUT OF THE HOUSE - and it was good. i realize it was only a short stint and after a few years work is work- but all things being considered. i kind of look forward to when i finally make a decision here- get off my dead butt & go out and get a real job and get on with it all.
just sayin. thought i'd just throw th is junk in- you can do it and will probably like it more than you think.
it's weird- interviews & resumes and so forth- it's a hard job market- but i have a sister waaaay more "out there" than me, almost as old, kids to support on her own- she does it. she gets jobs - she earns money- she makes her life happen with no help from no one- ta da.
in retrospect- i realize the magnitude of what my mom accomplished too- amazing that she had an "estate" to leave- she did it on her own , with no education, no help, no kidding.
it's heartening to think of what goes on around us - and we do n't really stop and SEE every day- the personal triumphs and success stories of people we know who truly do rise above incredible disabilities and obstacles and just go forward & do it.
i'm hoping when the time comes i do it too- i think i can- i think you can - good luck.
as far as your h - i know, sad isn't it? what jack@sses they are to destroy what we had that really was good - then be havin their ole fun new life (just like they somehow are more entitled to "it all" and happiness than the rest of us) it's a sad and shallow thing- i have no idea where their brains and consciences & decency went. oh well huh? they leave a wake of destruction and don't even realize. no empathy i think...
they are selfish and self-absorbed. i feel like i'm just some tv show he turns on now or then. he thinks i'm his "home" - tho he's not at home much. cripes - i'm still "doing this" but just- one of these years he'll have to pick ow or old life i guess - for the moment i am shilly-shallying around with not getting a fulltime job- and not "getting real" about life .(or something)
my mom passing away seems to signal something- idk what exactly in me. i'm just getting over this stupid giant cold and trying to get some feelings back inside me. i thought all the complaints and hard feelings and animosity died with her- wrong-o.
my sisters are a real hostile bunch- it just gets better all the time huh?
oh well- hang on man- i meant this to be encouraging - i hope it was- i think you'll actually feel good and like it when you're working. getting that job- it's a bit harder but honestly- i think doable for both of us.
my stinkin pollyanna little "hope" thig.. fingers crossed that i'm right. good luck - you'e doin great ya know.
xxo
[quote=nero]hey hi-
it's heartening to think of what goes on around us - and we do n't really stop and SEE every day- the personal triumphs and success stories of people we know who truly do rise above incredible disabilities and obstacles and just go forward & do it.
i'm hoping when the time comes i do it too- i think i can- i think you can - good luck.
...
trying to learn this quote thing....this Nero, what you say...about the people all around us.. Maybe some of the good that has come out of all of this is this realization. There are so many good people out there struggling day to day to get by and they do so. The world is not about WBW. We each and everyone one of us out there has our stuff to deal with. Yes, even that ow- would not want to be her! Anyway, trying to be kinder and gentler and less judgemental.
I still feel sad for h and all that he is willing to give up. in retrospect, h was never a big family guy...no relationship with his sisters. its sad. I knew this about him and still liked him anyway.
I am a spiritual person. Have to trust that there is a plan for me. some good to come.
was in my hometown for Easter. had a pic with my mom and 4 sisters. My mother was snoozing the whole time. She doesn't talk anymore but will smile on occasion. She still likes to eat!
thank you for checking in Nero. I just said to myself this morning.... NEW BEGINNING!! Come on!!
just started reading the language of letting go.
ordered 4 other books as well.
I am trying to do "business only" in dealing with h.
will see if he goes to s17 race this weekend. I can see him skipping because he is a big baby!
h has not faced me since saying he wants d to continue.
D16 was sick yesterday. h can't come by to visit.
I want to say...way to go h! Way to see d16 whenever you can!
h will be out of town all of next week next week.
time with kids less and less
part of the script right?
got things on my list to do....all good. love making lists and checking stuff off!
S20 got home from college last night. he comes in kisses his sister. immediate bonding with his brother. Gosh I love these kids.
my gift from my h and M.
s20 mentioned making an app with therapist . I said of course. He does this on his own.
the boys do not know d is in full progress.
at this point, not sure, do tell them?, let h tell them?...don't see us doing this together anymore. h and I had talked to boys together last year when h moved out.
h will be moving to another city- 4hr plane ride away. he will keep his apt here until oct.
after that, when he comes to town he will stay in a hotel.
we have had no convo about seeing kids.
thought he would offer to pick up s20 last night from A/P but he did not. I did not ask.
letter of last resort?
do I write something to h or just leave it at this point.
we are negotiating financials. I have an app with my L on Monday. will be out of town for the weekend at s17 race.h usually goes to these races too. don't know his plans for this one. he may skip...he has avoided me since start back up of d talk last Saturday. has not seen kids either.
Dear h,
I know d is what you want and that you want to "move forward"
I would like to say I am sorry for my part in this.
I am sorry for being smart aleck about your job. I know it is an important part of who you are and it was disrespectful on my part. Truly, I am sorry.
I am sorry for being a big mouth sometimes and acting like a know it all.
I am sorry that you did not feel comfortable in our home and if I in any way caused that.
I am sorry for not attending to or recognizing your needs. Although, I thought our sex life was pretty good, I am sorry for the times that I shunned you.
I want your forgiveness. I think you will forgive me.
Perhaps this is leading me to who I am supposed to be. I hope the same for you.
wbw
I would leave well enough alone for now. Don't send him the note because he will look at it as manipulation and/or not read but the first line or two. You'll get the opportunity to tell him how you feel at a later time.
Keep the focus on you and your children. You didn't break him, therefore you can't fix him. His problems are his to own and no matter how many times you apologize, it will go in one ear and out the other right now. He's not ready to really focus on and hear what you are saying.
ok, thanks job....
raining hard here. got a couple of text msg from h about s17 driving....I'm just being my usual self... h had text this AM asking about D16. we are polite to one another. answer questions, say thank you.
fixing dinner.
have hw tonight and school tomorrow.
when we are at these races together for s17, we are kind, cordial. d16 goes back and forth visiting amongst us.
s20 is going to stay in town and work
Will,
When I told the kids about the dissolution and the attorney, they both responded, "Oh, we thought you were already divorced."
Completely anti-climatic. I think kids sometimes have a better grasp of the situation than we do. Your kids know that their dad is not being a husband right now. They know it's unlikely you will get back together.
As for the letter, I don't see it giving you the response/reaction you are looking for right now. Detach Will. I know how hard this is. I do.
What about the ol' rubberband trick. Snap it when you think of H. Maybe it's time to push him outta your thoughts some. Seems like he is still front and center.
You CAN DO THIS. YOU CAN TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. If I can, you can too. :-)
Just to clarify:
The kids knew the dissolution wasn't finalized, but they said they already saw us as divorced and the paper wasn't going to make much of a difference to them.
Stop apologizing. Let it be.
Two more cents: There will come a point Will, when the anger will rear it's head and you will hate yourself for apologizing. Been there, done that.
He left you with a daughter with special needs and two growing boys. I wouldn't say he deserves any Father of the Year Awards.
Why are YOU apologizing again? To get him back? Last resort?
Is he really worth this last resort? I'm thinking he is more likely to take notice when you stop worrying about him and put yourself first.
geez, I know thanks guys.
I do see for s20 the divorce being a marker in his life.... Before my parents got d'ed...after my parents got d'ed.
I have had anger about h's behavior. I have empathy for him too. I was watching a show with s 20 last night. Other 2 in bed....anyway, its just pure sweetness, these kids and work as well.
s 20 's car wouldn't start yesterday...ugh.
got to get that taken care of.
class today. its winding down though
Will,
I do see for s20 the divorce being a marker in his life.... Before my parents got d'ed...after my parents got d'ed.
I was thinking about my own parents' divorce. I have vague memories of the day it was final. BUT, I have crystal clear-as-a-bell memories of the day my mom sat me down on the yellow silk sofa and told me that my dad was having an affair with his secretary. Very vivid. I can see the pretty blue flowers on the coach as I write this and I remember where I was sitting.
That, for me, was the day my parents divorced because that was the day I knew it was over. Dad wasn't living with us anymore.
I think s20 more as an old soul. I know he has had a hard time coming to terms with all of this.
s20 got home Wednesday eve from college. h calls s20 to say stopping by( this eve- Fri). s20 leaves and goes for a walk...
I don't get in their way. I know it is for h and s20 to figure out.
so, h is going to the race for s17 tomorrow. s 20 staying behind to work. other friends are not home from school yet.
I expect all will just be as it always is at the race. d 16 will want us to both be at dinner and breakfast.
I have a meeting with L on Monday.
labug, are you out there? I want to ask about your sons and how this stuff impacted them?
Any men out there who had parents d when they were in their late teens/early 20's?
I know the boys and h have to figure it out. H just does not spend much time with them and it breaks my heart for them.
s 20 seems unhappy, lost... I can't be his dad