Belated Merry Christmas to all my friends of the boards.
I'd like to say I've been SO busy this past week that I just haven't had a minute. I'd LIKE to say that, but it wouldn't really be true! Things are going along in their usual ho hum fashion. I think ( hope ) I've found a new plateau in which I am sleeping better without medicinal aides. Only had one or two bad moments over the holiday, although I spent most of the time alone. Oldest D and her family came early for a couple of days, and then left on Friday. That was pretty much it. We had a present opening for the kids over at D25's house Thursday night, and that pretty much wrapped it up for me.
D25 says that on FB XH and wifey hosted a huge family Christmas at their Fab-u-lous new house. All the family. All the family I held together for him when he refused to have anything to do with them, and dreaded their visits. Sorry, spitting a sour grape out of my teeth. Not the daughters of course. He hasn't contacted them in some time, and that is probably for the best. My former home was supposed to close today from the auction, so that will be one thing less to worry about.
With that one sour note aside, I really didn't feel sad or lonely so much this year, but can't for the life of me remember what I did last year. Not a thing. Hmmm.
Looking forward to bigger and better the coming year. Starting to think of Spring and Home Improvement, such as I can accomplish on my living; but a can of paint can work wonders and doesn't cost that much.
Punkin,
Glad to hear you're sleeping better.
I had been told here that all is not as it seems in the MLCer new life. Lately, I've come to understand that's exactly right.
Everything that the MLCer does comes with a price tag. Not all of it monetary and it does catch up to them.
Why do you think ow/w posts those things on FB? I'd bet my farm it's in part hoping that you'll either see or get wind of it. Sounds like a very insecure woman to me, not to mention evil.
Keep doing what you're doing, Punkin. You have many choices in what you want your life to look like. I have no doubts that you'll make the most of it. You can't keep a good woman down.
Here's to the New Year filled with all kinds of possibilities my friend!
Punkin,
I'm glad to see that you posted and your holiday went well. Glad to hear that you are now able to sleep w/o medicinal aides.
Nothing is as it appears. Sure your xh and wifey had a nice party, but look at all of the work, expense and yes, the effort that they had to put into it to be pleasant and make everyone thing that everything is perfect. Sure, parties are nice, but think about it...you are the one that held everything together in years past. This party was no walk in the park and believe me, it was posted so that you would see it. It's all about appearances w/them.
Punkin, you are right where you should be at this time...2012 will be an interesting year for you. You are in your new home and have plenty of projets to work on when spring comes calling. You, my dear, do not need to wear masks to prove that you are okay w/your life...you are as real as you can be and that, in my books, is wonderful!
Enjoy the rest of the holiday season. Happy New Year!
Punkin, I don't know if this helps, but I have been incredibly cross for the last couple of days. I did have a wonderful Christmas, and I am truly glad that my xh had lunch on 28th December with his three sons. But, he has never ever, even after 6 years apologised to them for the hurt and pain he caused them by walking out on them and telling them they were never wanted, and that he never loved me.
He simply cannot see they show up to have lunch because they loved him. I stay out of their relationship, except to encourage them gently where possible to see him rather than not bother.
But would it be so very hard to say that he is sorry he hurt them. It would mean so much to them. It would have taken very little pressure by me for them never to have seen their father again. Sometimes being teh bigger person really really s*x.
So I am struggling with anger at the fact that he is having a walk on this.
And yes, I got to see them all and we had a great time. I don't normally get so cross, and can't quite see why this bugs me. you would think I had gotten used to it by now. Zero expectations on all fronts is the only way.
Before anyone jumps in, I am not going to allow any of this to spoil my New Year. I am just acknowledging a bit of undealt with rage in this safe forum, and then continuing to move on.
Bea,
I understand what you are saying and it's difficult not to have some anger bubbling. It's difficult as a parent to see their children making the effort to love someone who has totally walked away from them for such a long period of time. I believe that one day, he may say he is sorry to them....BUT....it will be in his words and it will not come out as "I am sorry". He may say that he made many mistakes and one of them was distancing from them, etc.
Conflict avoiders have a very difficult time "owning" up to their mistakes and rather than do so, they sweep them under the rug or just ignore them.
Some day...all will be reveal to you and your family....
Enjoy the rest of your day. Happy New Year!
I am feeing less cross!! Yes he is a conflict avoider, and genuinely sees himself as the vicitm in all of this, abandoned and misunderstood by his family that he did everything for. Oh well.
Thanks Guys! I really hate feeling like a grouch, but I was never really able to get into this Christmas, and the party news just made it that much worse. Hopes for next year!
My friend just called and asked if I wanted to go to Casino and Dinner New Year's Eve. Told him we would play it by ear. I really don't have the cash to be pi&&ing it off in a Casino. Neither does he, for that matter, but he said he'd spare it for New Year's Eve. Hey, it's better than staying at home alone, right? I keep thinking of this old Carol Burnett sketch where she is home alone and her neighbors are throwing a party. She keeps going to their door to ask for ice, flour, etc., hoping for an invite. Doesn't happen.
I suppose what aggravates me the most is that it seems that all my D's and I are just at loose ends here, while he's the wonderful, wiggly Jello Mold of the family scene. We all know better, but it is still irritating.
Planning to start painting the kitchen tomorrow. Granny Smith Apple Green. How's that for bright?
punkin,
I understand how you feel...you'll know tomorrow whether or not you want to go out in the evening, especially if you've been painting.
That color does sound bright! Are you doing white trim or some other color?
Punkin I was in a discussion with people on the alt last night about the choice to not go out NYE...and it all was started from a very funny article someone posted on cracked.com which was about how NYE was the worst holiday of all for various reasons. The article is hysterical, and several of us talked about how it could be just as fun to stay home if you made your own party, either with someone or alone :-)I have been planning to stay home alone and just act like it's any other night of the last nearly 600 nights I've been alone, but my mom is actually coming down to visit tomorrow, so she'll be here. Likely she'll go to bed at 10:30 :-)
I know a few single people paying a lot of money to go to parties, like 150 bucks to get in, at hotels and stuff, and they are pinning all their hopes (and cash) on meeting some great guy who will be their soulmate. Talk about setting yourself up for a downfall!
Personally I don't think I can take standing in some place with a whole bunch of people doing the New Year's kiss, or having to be crowded out of a seat by all the "amateur drinkers", as a friend calls them.
I think what this means is that I'm finally embracing my inner crazy cat lady, ha ha!
But you know, go with your gut. If you want to go out, go out, but if you want to stay in, you can kick a*s at that venture too and you're in great company the world over!!
Good luck with your painting tomorrow. I'm sure it will look wonderful!
Hey guys. Day two of painting kitchen. Yes, it is bright, but cheerful. White trim, white cabinets. I am trying to focus on one room at a time in order to not get overwhelmed. Previous owners had redone kitchen with 3 vinyl/roll out windows, making of bank of windows of about 90 inches. That will be the big purchase. I am so tempted to do Plantation shutters. The depth is there, but I don't want to overwhelm the room .
Did go out to dinner last night, but just locally. Had a wonderful steak dinner. Rented two movies and went back to his house to watch them. Kiss at midnight and home by 12:30 A.M. What a wild woman I am.
My sleep patterns continue to improve, TG. I am still bothered by some old memories and such, but overall, have found myself smiling at them more recently than frowning. I know that No contact is Good contact with Xh, but truth is, I do still miss him. Don't know when that particular feeling will go away. I find I am also somewhat bothered by the fact that, financially, I have to remain single for the rest of my life, in order to continue with the benefits I have been awarded. Now, that doesn't mean that I'd spit in the face of true love, but, it does mean I have to give serious consideration to my continued security. I'm not a spring chicken, anymore. Oh yes, I know that doesn't mean I couldn't have a wonderful companion sort of relationship, marriage is just a piece of paper, who needs it, etc., etc. Just sayin' that on some inner, puritanical level, usually accompanied by the voice of my Mother, it bothers me.
Happy New year's Everyone.
You are moving along quite nicely w/your kitchen project. I'm glad you are doing one room at a time. It's sad when you think about it, but in order to change a room w/a color scheme, you practically have to tear it down in order to redo it.
I'm glad to see that you did go out for a bit last evening. The evening was low key, but you enjoyed it...that's what is important, i.e., enjoying yourself w/no expectations.
When the time is right, Mr. Wonderful will cross your path and you will know he is the right one for you.
Thanks Snodderly,
I don't think I'm looking for a Mr. Wonderful quite yet. I'm looking for the man my XH used to be, but I'm afraid that man never existed. He was just a figment of my imagination. A false front, so to speak.
Finished the kitchen this morning. That's all my budget can afford at this moment. Although there are at least five other things I wish to do, they will just have to wait. One at a time.
I'm truly amazed at my turn of pattern in sleeping. It's been so long since I was able to go to bed without the fear and anxiety that I wouldn't sleep. Now I can't seem to get myself up. Getting enough healthy sleep sure makes a difference in your outlook, as well.
Hey Punkin,
I was thinking about how well I am sleeping lately. I seem to be going through a very peaceful stage in my journey. I hope it continues.
DIDN'T sleep well last night, due to all that climbing up and down ladders painting all weekend. Hurt like the dickens. If you are only as old as you feel, I'm a good 150. I'm smiling though. going to buy more paint when I get paid this weekend.
Very busy at work today. Hardly had time to look up.
Still haven't heard from X in regards to house being sold at auction. I would have thought my signature would be needed, but no one has contacted either me or my Lawyer. House was supposed to close on December 28.
Met someone today at work who absolutely made the spit dry up in my mouth. Stuttered and stammered. Felt like I was 13. Nice to know I'm still alive.
I love those awakening moments....
Okay. So I've had about two too many Gin & Ginger's and topped it off with a Bloody Mary and , oh, a little wine. Anyway, I started keeping a hand written journal a month ago. Just to see the progression of my own feelings as time passes. The difference has been amazing. Whether it had to do with the holiday season, or just the passage of time, I don't know. I have began to cherish my little house and my little life and my solitude and peace. Yeah, I still begrudge the history and the failed plans for our retirement, yada, yada, yada. But I've gained so much in understanding.
Wow! I don't have to go to a fancy restaurant to get a good steak dinner. It can be had right here in my little home town. Latest movie? I'd rather watch it at home with good friends and a bowl of nuked popcorn. Travel? Anything more than a day's ride is a waste of time and money. The only thing different is the elevation. Family. That's a tough one. I have lost some of my family in some respects through divorce, but the relationships that I keep will be through efforts of my own, and not by acts of solicitude or gratuitous gesture.
Future? I have one. One I am looking forward to. Planning my Spring planting of a garden for homemade canned salsa. Eggplant Parmisian. Okra. Doing my best for my family, friends, and co workers. People who APPRECIATE me. Painting and restoring my little house. Being a good neighbor. Doing unto others.
There is life after Divorce. It is slow and plodding, but arrives nevertheless. God bless it. My life is as full as I allow it to be. It is not dependent on the continuation of my R with my XH, or the X's goodwill. My focus has to be on ME and MY life, not his. This is true of all of us on this Board, and it just takes time and patience to reach it. Strike that! Even if the patience is not present, it will still arrive in it's own good time.
Good night all.
Punkin - you are a doll! So glad you are finding some peace in your "new" world! You deserve only the best and I'm glad to see signs of authentic happiness!
Have a great weekend!
I am so glad you are feeling good about what life has in store. Of course you have a future, and don't you dare narrow your horizons in order to be contented. A dangerous fallacy!!
Just because a good steak and movie can be had at a lower cost and with great enjoyment in your own home, and you are happy near to home doesn't mean that there has ceased to be a great big world out there that you are entitled to access as well.
Finding contentment at home and with little is a great gift, but there is no 'instead of' - it is 'as well as'.
Have a great day! Personally I would have a slight hangover but you are made of sterner stuff! Hugs
punkin,
I couldn't have said it better! I'm so happy you've found your peace and contentment. But, like Bea posted, please don't narrow your horizons to be contented. There is a world out there waiting for you and after you have planted your garden, take a stroll or get in your car and start exploring...you just may be surprised at what you discover!
Punkin, beautifully said, sweetie.
We all get to where we need to be when we get there.
You are an amazing lady who has done some incredible things.
May your future be as wide and open as you choose it to be.
Good on you.
Awesome!
Nice to come to that point in the life.
MEN! Just when I have come to the point of putting it all behind me; the home we shared has been sold at auction through his devices, not mine, and I feel I can move ahead, he files a motion to cut my alimony, of which I have not yet received a single payment! This based on the fact that he did not get enough in the auction of the house. He let a $230,000 asset go for $161,000, and that is MY FAULT?? My lawyer says not to sweat it, it is just par for the course, but WTH?
Luckily, I had an ammended divorce decree all ready to sign by the judge so that I could file with the Army to garnish his pay. Now just waiting to see. Army said it could take up to 90 days. My signed ammended decree reached the Army before his Motion even hit the Court house. It is not so much that I am worried the judge will consider it, just that, Why can't he just let it go and move on? This is what he wanted, isn't it? Of course, paying me wasn't in his orginal plan, but life is hell.
I'M TICKED OFF! WHEN WILL IT END???
it's the last lap, I promise...but OMG I feel for you. I can't wait til the Army's allotment is set up so it comes from THEM to you. He'll enjoy trying to Undo that...
Hang in there!
Punkin, I have been going through something very very similar and I so relate to what you have just written I am now over a year post divorce and 6+ years post bomb. When I say my divorce took a long time I am not kidding.
Well the Court gave 4 months to finalise our rather complex financial settlement. Which my xh managed to drag out for nearly a year.
He is now insisting I owe him money which I checked with my lawyer, and I do not. The delays in exchange of funds meant that the small imbalance in assets was paid off from the income from his having the funds for a further 8 months . . .
I paid over my share promptly and on schedule. i haven't received a cent from his fund, although I have it in writing from them that it is now all sorted, and have a date for payment. But he now wants more money, to which he imagines he is entitled.
I feel as if even post divorce with these guys it never ever ends. In his shoes, even if I thought there was a sum owing [and he has inherited $$$ from his mother] I would just let it go in recognition and respect for the long marriage, but no, these guys just have to go on thrashing around, and throwing their weight around. It feels like persecution at times.
I have just finalised a document, which I have written [with my lawyer's approval] to save cost, and try and keep in pleasant [Hah] and sent it over to him. But I think he is intent on going back to Court, and trying to revisit the financial settlement. Which if he had read it, he is explicitly prevented from doing.
Anyway as I have posted, he is now back to spewing at me. I received a really hostile email from him on New Year's Day, in response to my first attempt to settle [and I do have to respond or use a lawyer, at considerable expense] Oh yes, and at the end he wished me a Happy New Year, and good wishes.
If I read this in a book I wouldn't believe it. The version here is the non dramatic and edited one. The reality is crazier. My therapist friend says xh wants attention . . .
In general I am against corporal punishment but i feel like giving him a short sharp slap, of sheer exasperation and saying Wake Up. It is over.
Oh Punkin, it all seems to come down to money. Money is the reason my H has not pushed his divorce ahead. He is bound and determined that I not receive alimony. He feels it's his money, he earned it, and that's that. No consideration that the way our M worked out as far as money earning went was a joint and mutual decision and I held up my end of the bargain and supported him with his endeavors as well. I am protected at this time and will continue to make sure that I am no matter how much it inflames him. I have to be able to live, too.
At first, it cut me to the core to think that he thought so little of me and I had made him so miserable during our M that he felt I deserved nothing. I came to the understanding that this is his problem and that there are always consequences even when he got something he thought he wanted.
I wouldn't be surprised in your case that the ow is pushing for this as well. You've done well protecting yourself. It is what it is for your XH. He'll just have to deal with it.
Thanks guys. Yes, he has, as I once told him, made his own bed; now he can lay in it. I'm quite sure he is in a financial bind, or at least tight, and I'm equally sure his new wifey is pushing his buttons about it. None of which I can control, or have any interest in. Do have to wonder how he likes the wife that is good at spending money instead of the wife who managed it.
After the initial rage, I have really quite settled down and do not think the judge will give it a second thought, but worry it could cause a delay.
25 years, I'm holding you to the promise it's the last lap! My friend posted a msg. on FB that said we cannot embrace a new life experience when our hands are so full of the old. I'm ready to wash my hands of this part of life, at least as it is.
Punkin, they are a mess, and it shows. After the latest spew, I responded after a few days with a constructive solution, which he made a few amendments to, that actually I prefer, and got back to me with a "let's not wrangle on this, but be friends" message. At which point I nearly fell over. But maybe his lawyer had told him just how nice I was being in the circs, when actually I could have been much tougher. Who knows?
So I looked it over, waited a day just to consider it fully, and sent it back with a very brief message, thanking him for his hard work on this, and agreeing to it all. That was nearly 3 days ago and I have heard nothing more. We simply need to sort the admin arrangements for exchanging the funds. The date he proposed for finalising it all is this Friday.
We are agreed, it is all ready to roll, it is the final piece in the divorce falling into place [I have been divorced over a year now] I am waiting on a two line message to finalise it.
It may be the last lap, but I didn't expect him to lie down, like the hare and have a nap before the finishing line.
All this stuff is so heart-wrenching. They are so vicious with the settlement and the money. They appear to have 0 feelings for the LBS and we all know they have such a hardened heart.
I am now 4 years post divorce. Ex and I go back to court in April. He owes me a chunk of money due to his income going up and hiding some of his assets. He is no longer mad or spewing about the money thing. He is facing losing a chunk and has been pleasant and kind for the last 3 months.
Hey punkin!
Just stopping by to say hello!!! I see your exH is still in LA LA land but you are doing well!!! It won't be long and your hands will be squeaky clean!!!!
Checking in with everyone. Keeping busy but finding I have time to be lazy. Spent all day today in bed reading. Kids are all well.
I have tried to keep a relationship albeit a distanced one with my steps, and it seems to be getting harder. I dropped off a BD present for stepGD's 7th birthday, and a BD card for her Mom, as well. My D25 happened to drop in at the local bowling alley and found they were having a BD party for GD, and none of our family had been invited. She said DIL seemed embarrassed. Even though XH was not there, either. I understand the difficulty, but the kids have always been cousins. Why wouldn't she have wanted the little ones there?
As for XH, he has apparently made his choices, new wifey over his own kids. It's hard to believe the egotistical slime bucket he has turned out to be.
Doing the judicial cha-cha over alimony. After 30 days, received a notification of some little crap Army didn't have, and now I have to start all over again. As for X, he is now $1000.00 in arrears. Boy, I could use that money.
Good to hear from you Punkin!
My H did the same thing in choosing the ow over his kids for quite a while. I now see glimpses where he choose his kids over her. I believe he pays for that quite dearly when it happens.
Oh well, it's the life he choose when he ran looking for his happiness.
One thing I don't understand is why they resent having to pay us alimony so much. I guess us being good and faithful wives didn't mean much to them.
Hang in there my friend, better days are coming...
I've been behind the scenes on the Board for quite some time. I check in, read up on everyone, and haven't really had much to say for myself. Tonight, I read a question from Seeking that really set off the Burning Question in my Brain, or rather the cause of the unhealing hole in my heart.
HOW MUCH OF THIS HELL AM I RESPONSIBLE FOR? Honestly, I know I was far from perfect, and in fact, took many things for granted as "not mattering after all the years we've been married". Justification is his balm. Rationalization is mine.
It has been such a long journey of heartbreak and rejection for all of us. Self realization and personal detachment. Hard lessons learned. I can say that I have come a long, long way. I have moved on in a very physical way, and a mental way. My emotional way, however, is still screwed to the wall. I battle myself on a daily basis, "is this because I still love him, or because I still love the memory of 'us'"
Yes, ole Punkin is still scourging herself after all this time. I just can't stop feeling guilty for whatever part I truly played in my personal disaster.
Don't get me wrong, anyone. I don't know how I would have survived without the support and sounding board of this site. Maybe it's just that all this personal growth is killing me.
Punkin,
I responded to your posting over on Seeking's thread.
Unless you can see into the future, read minds, read tea leaves, or have a crystal ball, then you couldn't see this situation coming. None of us could...we didn't/or still don't know what happened to them in their early childhood years. We aren't the ones that didn't take the time to validate their thoughts and feelings. We are not the ones that shot them down and gave them heck when they did something wrong as children.
Quite frankly, IMHO, you are not responsible for the hell that he's put you through. Yes, we are responsible for 50% of what goes on in the marriage, but none of us signed up for what happened to them as children and had we known what to expect, I imagine we would have run the other way or had been better prepared for the fall out. You did the best you could, you were a good wife, companion and best friend to the man. What more could he have asked for?
So, my question to you is this...why are you feeling guilty? I think you do love your xh, but also the memory of the man he once was. When I use to feel the way that you do now, I would look at the bigger picture and I soon stopped feeling guilty about the situation. Why? Because I knew that I had done everything that I could humanly do to make this marriage work and make him happy and proud of his marriage. Unfortunately, what transpired long before I came on the scene had really screwed him over...I knew I could not fix what I didn't break.
Punkin, give yourself some time...you are still going through the grieving process.
Thanks Snodderly.
I appreciate the words and thoughts. It is just so confusing about where the line is drawn between "taking responsibility for your actions" "being totally honest and fair" & being a total and undeniable putz. Yes, I suppose I am still grieving, although if anyone had told me I would still be grieving after 2 full years, I would have said they were nuts. I have done the math in my mind. The longest I ever spent "grieving" after a relationship was about 9 months.
To answer your question, I don't know why I feel guilty. My close friends, family, and even my children would say that I don't. Only here do I, shall we say, spew my deepest thoughts. I guess I was just raised to take responsibility for myself. If I f**ked it up, I owned up to it. No one has owned up to this cluster, so I guess I am trying to be the mature one and take the blame, at least insofar as I am responsible. I JUST CAN'T figure out what and where that is! The not knowing keeps me from moving past it.
I suppose I am looking for a confessor, to which I can take these sins, admit them, and leave them. By the way, I'm Methodist, not Catholic! I've even wondered if hypnotism could just erase his memory from my mind, is that not idiotic?
Punkin, I put some thoughts down for you on my thread.
Just some thoughts, Punkin.
I know what you are feeling, I think I held the record for taking the blame for everything.
Looking back, I realized I was too dependent on my xh. I did not hold up my end in the marriage in many ways. So, I accept that those are things about me that I needed to change.
Here's the thing. I did not do or not do anything with the intention of hurting him or my marriage. Had I known better, I would have done better.
What I do know without a doubt is that I was a good wife in a lot of ways. I loved him unconditionally and I always had his back.
Were there things in the marriage that needed improvement? Yes. Were there ways that both of us could have handled things better? Yes.
But, I honored my vows. I did the very best I could at the time.
I did not deserve to be cheated on. I did not deserve to be ruined financially. My son did not deserve to be hurt so deeply.
So, I embraced the ways I could improve for me. And I also forgive myself any mistakes I made unknowingly.
P, forgive yourself.
Punkin, more and more I am coming to understand exactly what Brookie is saying about doing the best you could at the time. When you think about it, after a huge tragedy like this with all the work we have done on ourselves, we are really at the point where we are trying to sort of birth new selves out of the ashes. I am constantly struck by how incredibly different my mindset is now as opposed to "then" (and by then I mean in the middle of the marriage). It's at the point where I can't say that I'd want my marriage "restored." I would want a whole new shebang, a much better one, and I'm not saying my marriage was bad. I just expect more of myself now and a lot more from a partner--and what's weird is by more I kind of mean less--I mean both of us a heck of a lot more independent and none of this codependent stuff that really came to define us.
And you know we couldn't see it happening, as it happened so gradually over time. I don't think you or I should hold ourselve responsible for what happened so slowly it was imperceptibly. Our marriages were like that whole thing with the frog in the pot with the water very slowly heating up, and the frog doesn't know till it's too late that he's being boiled.
Sometimes I think the new self we have made from all this mess is so strong that she is harsh on the old self--she judges her and says "you should have seen this coming" or "you shouldn't have done this wrong" or "you shouldn't have been so needy."
Here's the thing: we are primed to do that to ourselves because so many of our exes spewed that crap at us to blame us for them walking out and ending it. Over time, we come to realize that we weren't to blame in this overarching way--that we could have done this or that better, but ultimately, they were the ones who BETRAYED us and the vows. We did not betray them. There is a difference between being codependent on them vs. betraying them and lying and cheating. A huge difference. Do not forget that.
And then on top of us being primed to accept blame, our newer stronger selves are trying to not go back to the people we were since we see those people as so weak. And then the new self blames the old self. But the old self didn't know any better.
Maybe the old self we were in these marriages was kind of immature in some ways. The new self is much more mature and self-sufficient.
Try to look at this as perhaps the only way that you personally would ever have really become who you were meant to be. Perhaps you might never would have been able to become the very strong woman you are today (not saying you weren't strong before but you are BETTER now than before) had that marriage continued.
It's sort of like losing your mate to gain yourself. And yes, in a perfect world we could gain ourselves and KEEP the mate. But if that mate is no longer fulfilling ANY of our needs and unwilling to be a partner with us, there is nothing we can do about it.
Perhaps down the road some of these mates will come back if they have completed their "journey" successfully. Perhaps some of us will find new mates and not wish to reconcile. Perhaps some of us will remain single.
IMHO, you probably love the memory of the two of you but not him now. I don't even LIKE my XH anymore, to be honest. I would never tolerate such a flighty, fair-weather, shallow friend to be in my life. So I can't have him in my life either.
I love him in a very deep way, but I don't love him now. I love him THEN. I love his memory and our memories (or rather my memories of us together). I feel like if something were to happen to him now, it would hurt me and I'd want to help him, but I almost think that the only thing that is really left for him now is the feeling that I would still nurture or care for him if he asked or if he was in need. But love? That's really hard to say. If I do love him, it's a very detached sort of love.
Again, I just think that you and me an anyone else, when we get caught up in the "how much was I responsible" loop, have to just tell ourselves that it's pointless and unproductive and energy-draining to keep "going there." If we have really faced our own inadequacies and we are living a good life takingn care of ourselves now, that's what matters. We can't go back and fix the past. We did our best and we must accept that.
Punkin -
First of all, I am really glad to hear from you. Secondly, I think these haunting questions you are facing are quite normal, expected, and appropriate. I guess I have to come back to this belief:
I married a man who vowed to love me for better or worse...exactly the way I made the same vows to him. Did I turn my back and leave because of his imperfections? No. Is it wrong for me to believe that I was owed the same respect? I readily admit my flaws and actually feel like I own them and continue to work on them.
This was not my fault! This was not YOUR fault! NO ONE deserves the disrespect, humiliation, heartache, etc that we have experienced. Take the time to heal - you deserve it!
Irish
Punkin if you have been following the Passive Agressive discussion over the past few weeks, you will also see that the MLCer is usually PA, and therefore very very good at shifting blame and inducing guilt in others. They have traind us up, whether unconsicously or deliberately, to take the blame. And we learnt our lesson well.
Not saying we don't need to look at our personal responsibility but I also have caught myself repeatedlu wracked by guilt over all of this, when it really isn't reasonable to do so . . .
Thanks so much to all of you; Seeking, Irish, Antonia, Brookie, Beatrice and Snodderly.
I know the wisdom of your words. But as the song says ..."I wish my mind would tell my heart" so I could move away from the niggling doubt in my consciousness.
I do not think that my XH is any happier in his new life than in his old. I fail to see how he could be. His wifey still controls his FB and email. She unfriended on his behalf the one D that allowed him on her site to see pics of the grands, then had the gall to email her and ask her to please not hold their marriage against their father. He loved them SOOOOO MUCH. Who could be happy with that degree of manipulation and distrust?
I truly have healed in many respects. I just want to be totally honest with myself. I've seen the 'faking it until I make it' remark several times. I don't feel I am having that much difficulty, but this is a lingering remorse that I just have to come to terms with somehow.
I guess the simplist explaination is that I long for an inner peace that has somehow escaped me up to this point. Until I find that, I can't put it behind me and move on to the extint I would like.
I believe as Seeking said, that we would not have found ourselves at this site if we were the thoughtless, selfish people our X's made us out to be, but then again, we are the hardest judges on ourselves.
Thanks guys.
I used to feel guilty about my part in the demise of my M, but that's gone now. I am at peace, because I tried all I could to save it. In the end, there was no point, because I was the only one interested in the saving of it. I have apologized for any pain I have caused him, and now there is nothing more I can do. I hope you can get to that point. I feel free from all the negativity of our R.
Here's the thing gives me the edge on him ... I didn't run to someone else. I tried to work it out. Now, I'm not interested at all.
There is no point in feeling guilt for something you probably had no control over. But, I understand how you feel ... I did too, for a long, long time. Just let it go, but I know it's difficult. It takes time, but I'm here to tell you, that time will come, when you will hardly think of him, and you won't waste time worrying about what you could've, should've, might've, would've done had you known he felt this way or that way.
Take care. Try and live in the moment ... it's all any of us have.
PS His new wifey doesn't trust him, 'cause she knows what he's capable of doing. He did it to you, he could do it to her. I wonder how long he's going to let her have the choke chain around his neck?
^ I needed to hear this ^
Hi! all my old and new friends. Sitting here catching up on all the news.My life is still pretty same old, same old. I have my little house, planted my little garden, mowed my little lawn. (I sound like the Teeny, Tiny Woman, which interestingly enough, was the first book I learned to read. )
Home, Work, Church and Wal-Mart. Pretty boring, but peaceful.
X & I are still battling over alimony. He recently had it reduced based on figures which are ultimately wrong, so here we go again. It never seems to end. He has yet to pay me even a dime. There is a part of me that just wants to accept it and let it be, but another part of me that is outraged at the injustice of it.
Does it every truly end????
Does it every truly end????
Divorce does not end MLC.
So it will end when the crisis is over.
No telling when that might be.
Sorry he is acting that way.
But it is more than likely part of the script.
Punkin,
Stick to your guns and keep living the life you've built for yourself. At some point in time the MLCer will figure out there are consequences for their choices that they can't outrun forever.
Punkin - no it doesn't end. They are living their life according to a false narrative they have constructed. This bears no relationship to external reality, and is reinforced by the crazy person they are living with. I believe they actually chose that person because they fit in with this crazy narrative in some way.
I wish I could share SAs confidence that they figure out the consequences of their choices. Some do, but I fear some are stuck forever. They might be obliged to be compliant, but internally they do not agree.
My xh recently attempted to raise some issues which were formally dealt with in the financial settlement. But in his eyes they are still open issues, and I believe he will attempt to raise these whenever he sees an opening.
They have a distorted view of reality, and until that changes will continue to do these things.
My view of MLC has changed radically over the past few months. I believe that everything they are doing makes perfect sense to the MLCer, and that much of their rage comes from the failure of the rest of the world to 'get it'. Some of them have moments of clarity, but in general they are in a closed world. I don't know about you, but the real rage in my xh comes from anyone challenging what he is doing or saying. As long as everyone say 'Yes yes yes' and at least appears to agree with them they can cope, but challenge even the craziest notion with an incontrovertable fact, and they will become at best disbelieving, and generally angry.
Get what is owed to you. You will not change his mind though!
Thanks guys.I'm doing some heavy duty praying on this one. Part of me just wants to let it be. It is, after all, a great thing to even receive alimony in a non alimony state. On the other hand, I don't like being held respoinsible for his debts. It's not really the money, I don't think. Yes, it would make my life more comfortable, but I am not uncomfortable now. I like crossing my bridges as i come to them. I guess what I have to decide is what is my motivation. Revenge? Getting even? Not good psychological places to be in, me thinks. Anyway, I am, as we all are, a work in progress.
Glad to see how many of us have 'hung around' all this time. Miss seeing what is up with the others, though.
Lovely to get an update from you, punkin. I also think you should stick to yer guns, if only not to have to be responsible for his debt. As long as you are comfy, and don't want for anything, then you have time to wait for your alimony.
Take care.
punkin,
I agree w/everyone else 100%...don't accept the situation as it is right now. Fight for what is rightfully yours in the way of alimony. If the figures are incorrect, they need to be corrected as soon as possible.
I have to agree w/Beatrice's posting about the rage. As long as life is going their way, they are okay. However, the minute you question or challenge them, the rage becomes very evident towards you. They want to be in control and dictate the way everything should fall in place per them.
Does it ever end? Unfortunately, I do not believe so. A dear elderly lady once told me that as long as my xh is alive, he will always be a part of my life. Why? She said he will never be able to fully let go of me because I am the only strong thread left in his ball of yarn. You know what? I believe she is correct. The only way to deal w/the mlcer is to live our life to the fullest extent and when they send postcards to you, read them and then drop them in the trash.
Punkin, once your alimony issue is resolved, I don't think you will have many more issues w/him. Hopefully he will hop on his train and head out of town.
Okay guys . . . . . Contacted my attorney yesterday morning and told him the situation was unacceptable. In the first place, I never say this so called "list of debts" he had paid while we were seperated. To my knowledge, the only things left to be paid on were the mtg., 3 credit cards, HIS Travel Trailer and HIS new truck that he bought 3 weeks before he walked out. Attorney said "Unfortunately, the judge has signed this decree . . ." I said "So what? He signed two others giving me $$$/month and then changed his mind before I ever way a dime?"
Long and short of it is, I told him I didn't care if I ended up paying him the alimony every month, as long as I wasn't paying for X's debts.
Later -
Went to lunch with co-worker/friend. Small Italian restaurant. In walks my attorney, who sits behind and to my right. In walks my BFF, who was at my side during the court date. In walks THE JUDGE!!, who sits behind me. We were the only 4 occupied tables in that particular section. Coincidence??????
punkin,
I'm glad you spoke up. I would fight this battle until xh's debts were his solely. Why should you have to pick up the tab for his debts after all of this time?
I think it's funny that everyone involved, i.e., lawyer, judge and your BFF all came to the said place for lunch.
Happy Easter! Maybe you will find the golden egg under a shrub!
Well, Happy Crappy.
Judge decided that 'the math was appropriate' and lowered my alimony ( which I am now 4 months owed) I feel my L dropped the ball in a certain respect, but then . . . I'm still dipping into his pocket every month in a state that rarely awards alimony at all. I still get half of his retirement, draw off his Social Security, and have medical insurance for my lifetime. All in all, I really don't have anything to whine about.
I am more than ready to just get this all behind me. It will make my own life a lot simpler, and that is something I crave.
Mowed my yard today, ahead of storms that are supposed to hit our area tonight and tomorrow. Had my D25 with me for 2.5 days last week, as she was diagnosed with influenza and had to come home to Mom. Still making litte improvements to my house in dibs and dabs. Life is never easy, but is improving. I still have weak moments of self-blame/self-pity, but WTH.My glass is definitely half full.
Good to hear from you Punkin!
Good for you for standing your ground on the alimony. Hopefully, even though it was lowered, your XH coughs up what he's in arrears on soon.
Know what you mean by having to do the improvements on the house in bits. It's all so expensive, but I am like you, grateful that I'm able to do it even in small increments.
Keep your eye to the sky and stay safe, my friend.
Snodderly my xh wants no part in my life and I truly believe he wants my son to have no part.
He is still angry and could care less.
How does his reaction fit into this?
Three years and the anger still exists.
This really bothers me that he hates me. It bothers me more for my son.
I dont feel like I am in a good place right now.
Punkin,
I'm sorry to hear that the judge ruled in favor of the stated alimony. However, as you stated, you are one of the "lucky" ones to get alimoney in the state you live in. I hope that your xh coughs up the money he owes you and soon.
I saw where your state was due to get some severe storms. I hope that you are okay.
I think you are a very positive lady who is looking at the glass as half full, i.e., unlike the mlcers who are looking at the glass as half empty.
Take care of yourself.
Message for today from Church:
Man is born with certain innate fears, such as the fear of falling, the fear of the dark, the fear of lobsters . . . the fear of lobsters falling on him in the dark.
Point being, the fears that we spend so much brain energy worrying over are usually a load of crap. I relate that to my fear/hurt that my former in-laws just embraced the new wifey, aka OW, and I no longer count for s__t after 20 plus years of being there for them. My higher thinking knows that they are in as difficult a position as our children, and that they are trying to make the best of it, but the bad thoughts are still circling in the back of my mind looking for an opening to strike.
My in-laws recently resettled to be near XH, moving 350 miles to a town where they know no one but their son. I know that Dad wouldn't have done such if he didn't think he needed to be near him for one reason or another. Perhaps the blinder's are off.
All I do know, is that it will be harder than ever to hide his drinking, etc. with his Dad and brother both hanging around.
Punkin,
Maybe there is more to the picture than meets the eye. Your former in-laws most likely know that there is something seriously wrong w/their son and the move just might be a type of "intervention" w/respect to the drinking.
The new wifey is really going to have issues now because the in-laws are going to be right there in the same area and it's going to be difficult to put on a good front all of the time.
I do believe the house built on sand will begin to crumble as time moves along.
The message from your Church was a good one.
Punkin I wasted soooo much of my time worrying about my xh. I asked the same questions over and over.
I am glad you at least get some alimony. I was stupid and got NONE!
Snodderly would you mind elaberating on my question from above?
Hugs to all,
Renee
Having a moment. One of those where you want to take several Ambien and forget.
My DIL (stepson's wife) gave birth this evening. Her third. I was present for the other two. Didn't hear about it from any of them, just from D's who saw it on FB. D25 called to tell me because " you know they wouldn't take the time" She resents the fact that they don't treat me the same, and by that I mean include me like before. I understand that is a bit difficult, especially with Xh's wifey pushing herself into every family function. D25 resents not being asked to BD parties, baby showers, etc. Feels they should be taking a stand for me. I know better. Blood IS thicker, and it's a prickly situation. I just hurt for her hurting. It is true that my girls try to include their step-nieces and step-nephews, and it doesn't seem to be reciprocated. Rock and a hard place, for sure. SIGH
I just hurt for her hurting
Pun. God you are one tough and amazing lady and I know you will find the love in this situation...
It hurts but we know the answer don't we?
True! Where you been hidin'?
And thanks for the compliment. It means a lot coming from you.
Do I know the answer? Yes and no. I think. Sort of.
LET IT GO. I will not force myself or my family on anyone. I will continue to keep in touch with my steps and have a relationship with my grands, albiet not like before. This is a disaster not of my making, and against my will. All I can do is be as graceful and mature as possible in the face of adversity.
Right?
That's my girl!
But you knew that...a lay up for you.
Not been hiding just been living!
Punkin,
I'm so sorry about you and your family not being notified of the birth. It's difficult for everyone and I guess what needs to happen is the dust will have to settle and they will need to find a way to sort the uncomfortable things out. It will take a while, but I do think your "steps" will be in touch w/you and your family again one day soon. For now, as you pointed out...let it go.
Punkin, you are one gracious and strong lady and your love for life shines through in every posting. That light will help guide your family back in the right direction in the very near future.
It must've hurt so much not being informed about the birth. You were their mother for so long, and the grandmother of their children, and it seems they have chosen OW over you. But, it's not that simple, as you know. They have chosen to keep the channels open to their father, and that appears to mean no contact with you or their step-siblings. They are probably being told his whacko version of the break-up. I bet they don't know about the OW's brief theft of your ID (am I getting this right?). You just don't know what cr@p they're being told, and they would want to believe their father.
I agree with T and S and you ... let it go. If they had any love for you, they will realize what they're doing, if they're good people. Otherwise, they were never truly yours, and you have to let them go, as you had to let xh go. Time will lessen the pain, dull the memories. How are your children feeling about this?
Just checkin in so that my post doesn't slip into the MLC Twilight Zone. Nothing much to report. Life goes on, and is more good than bad. I bought the new baby a gift and took it to the house; got to hold the baby.
Still waiting on the Alimony wagon to kick in. Last notice said he was waiting for the monies from the sale of the house. I believe this should be catagorized Not My Problem, but I'll hold my breath just a bit longer.
Life is Work, Home, Church, and Wal-Mart. I'm quite scandelous, as I have been seen at the Library as often as once a week. I've even been seen mowing my lawn in an old pair of Charlie Brown PJ's. Men are flocking to my door. The mailman, the water meter reader, the gas meter reader, the trashman.. . . . To spice up my Saturday nights, I go the the grocery and fell up the avocadoes. Not to sound ungrateful or unhappy. I am in a sort of peaceful limbo, what you might call a Induced Social Coma. Good for healing of the mind and body.
Best be off to bed, I have a new library book, and if the neighbors see my lights on after 8 P.M., they may come to check on me.
Peace!
Whoops, that's FELT up the avocadoes, not fell into the avocadoes. That would just be messy.
Punkin - after the maelstrom of MLC, boring is good. I love your description of it as an induced social coma. I love my slightly comatose state - like being on valium with no side effects. I have some glorious fleece pjs that I have been known to get into as early as 7pm [on those occasions I tend not to go out again, so as not to cause comment]. Now that is what I call life in the fast lane.
In a bit of funny on the PJ train.... I went through my drawers with much hate in my heart, I tossed everything I don't look cute in. A whole bunch of sleepwear went bye-bye.
I bought some new stuff and have been enjoying dressing up to go to bed. It is all about me!
Aloha!
Bea - Get INTO @ 7 p.m. I've been known to not get out of them at all. Side benefit of living alone. As to Weni's pj cleansing spree, CUTE is not something I look for in PJ's anymore. COMFORT is more my style. As in, old soft T shirt and men's boxers comfort. I must admit though, if I mowed in some frilly thing with high heels, I would probably get more attention. There's a mental picture for you. I'm picturing pink marabou. How 'bout you?
Punkin you are beyond hysterical. Of all of us here, you'd probably write the book that would make the most money :-)
When I say cute, I mean it has to have a Hello Kitty, a Peace sign, Hearts and most of all stay in the dark pink, gray and black family, so I can mix and match my evening ensembles.
When we lived in Guam I always wore bug t-shirts, sweat pants and never ventured out the door without a giant man's robe I used to love. I had 2 puppies and we were not allowed to fence our base house yard. So I did a lot of PJ dog walking.
One time I was pulling weeds out of the side walk cracks while waiting on the dogs to do their business. And a couple hours later one of the other wives on the street called me horrified that her H had seen me doing yardwork in my night clothes.
I laughed myself silly over that. And I was pulling weeds out of the cracks because thay would write you a citation for having weeds growing in the cracks, I sure hated living on base!
I think we could put out books of short stories based on our experiences with MLC. We could do topics, each of us write a perspective/novella/essay. I see a couple books here..... and we could boost our income, too!
COMFORT is all. My xh really liked me to wear sexy nightwear - and I did wear it
but I have to say that one-size-too-big fleecy pjs have it for me. I could write the definitive chapter on the joy of big knickers [as opposed to thongs which I firmly believe are the invention of men, not women. If I were going to burn underwear it wouldn't be my bra, but a pile of thongs]
My lawn is all at the back of my house - but I guess they could always climb up and watch. It might get more attention than the flapping knee length short, old tennis shoes and BIG frayed t shirt. I am not talking self neglect here, but comfort. A halter top, short shorts, and high heeled sandals perhaps??
Weni,
You said STAY in the dark range of a color. I read GLOW in the dark . . ., but that's another story for another time.
Yes Bea and Toni, comfort rules is my byword now. XH liked dress up crap, but personally, I feel a 53 year old Little Bo Peep is beyond pathetic, especially when he looked like the naked troll under the bridge. Grown up lingerie didn't do it for him. I should have had a clue. Now, it's Charlie Brown PJ's, athletic bras and shorts, and old T's all the way. My biggest worry at the moment is my bright, shiny, blindingly white legs. But after seeing that woman with the tanning obsession on the internet, I can't bring myself to tan. Better unfashionably white than to look like the business end of a cheap cigar.
two choices here. Tough it out until legs have a little colour. Cheat. not all fake tans leave you day glo orange. Don't know why this would be but life is strange, as we all know.
Rule 1 Buy one that makes you go pale tan. Rule 2 Exfoliate before applying [nearly wrote defoliate, but that is something different, and I think requires heavy duty weedkillers if not napalm] 3. THEN apply fake tan in a thin even layer [more isn't better]. 4. Overnight ideally so any streaks can be dealt with next day. 5. Deal bravely with smell [even the expensive stuff smells a little]
PS cannot complain of xh's taste in nightwear for me - Italian real silk satin. Still fleece or flannel pjs have their own charm, and you can spill coffee on them.
Potaaaato, Potawwto. Exfoliate, defoliate. Depends on how often you actually shave your legs now-a-days. For awhile, defoliate would probably have been more proper.
Hi Guys! I've been lurking off and on, but not posting, and thought I might as well give an update.
I continue to work on my little house, which I LOVE. Currently repainting the dining room walls and moulding. Almost ready for the chandelier.
Due to go to court on 8/29 for XH's Contempt of Court charge. Still 3 months behind in Alimony, even after reduction. But, here's my chance to have my say about that!
Time may not heal all wounds, but time has given me the distance and dimension of thought to look at my X from an angle I would not allow myself previously. For all my blindness, X was a singularly selfish person. Example: I spent months listening to his every word to decipher what absolutely wonderful Christmas gifts I could get him. He went out on Christmas Eve, and got me something I neither wanted or needed. Not that marriage is about what I GOT, but rather, that I was important enough to him for him to put some thought into it. I spent so much time giving him all the credit for my hard work ( family get togethers, etc.) he simply began to believe he deserved all the praise. Granted, I realize I created this Frankenstein Monster.
The long and short of it is that I am now able to enjoy the life that I have. I still have my regrets; that's part of life, but they don't overcome me. I am not dating, am not interested. My life is full of friends, kids and grandkids. There's just enuf room left at the end of the day for me, and I allow that gift to myself.
So that's my life in a nutshell. It's certainly not exciting, but I've had enuf excitement in the last few years to last me awhile. Peaceful is where I'm at.
Punkin,
Just an hour ago I was taking a long soak in the tub. You popped into my mind and I wondered how you were doing, and here you are!
Thank you for the update. I am happy to hear of your peacefulness. You deserve it my friend.
(((HUGS)))
Punkin,
I'm so glad you posted. You sound like you are getting your home together and I bet when you are finished the place will look beautiful!
Your xh sounds alot like mine and yes, I was the same way that you were. I have a feeling that many of us will see the "light" after a few years and come to realize that we all were wearing rose colored glasses.
Please take care of yourself.
Punkin,
It is so great to see your post! I am so happy for you that you have found a way to get yourself to this place - you deserve it!
IB
Punkin....
Whatz up young lady! Nice to see you are doing good.
I continue to work on my little house, which I LOVE. Currently repainting the dining room walls and moulding.
Is my room done or is that still a work in progress?
Eric
Hi Pumpkin! Nice to read that you're doing well.
One day at a time.
Finally found a Christmas tree I wanted. I have 10 foot ceilings, and wanted a taller tree than I had, plus, I just didn't want to put up the tree from 'the past'. Just knowing I now have MY tree makes me look forward to the Holidays. I'm gearing up for Halloween, feeling more and more like my old self.
Going to San Francisco on son's dime for Thanksgiving. He and his gf haven't been home in 3 years, so I'm looking forward to the visit. Also have invitations to Sarasota, FL for next May, and an offer of a free cruise with my BFF next Labor Day. Yes, that's me, International Pumpkin. I'm actually able to enjoy the thought of traveling and seeing sights again.
I was looking back at some of my old posts. Actually, OUR old posts. We've certainly come a long way baby. It's nice to be able to come back here and catch up with old friends we went through the wars with, isn't it.
OBSERVATION: It seems that the males in our little family are far more able to get out there again. Is that just a male thing, or do males and females just take longer to heal and/or cope with their failed relationships?
Hi guys. X and I finally went to court today on the contempt charge for non pymt of alimony. He has caught up as of last week, but I still expected him to pay for my attorney fees. That was the only point of today. I haven't seen him in over a year.
Understand I take no pleasure out of this. In fact, I had tears in my eyes, and do as I type, thinking about the deterioration I saw. He weighs at least 250 lbs. He even has jowls. His nose and cheeks are bright red with broken capillaries. He couldn't even cross his legs. I wanted to shake his new wifey and ask her "Why aren't you taking care of him???" I know that's ridiculous. I know that he is responsible for himself, and that his apparent hate of me is only a reflection of his own guilt and self hatred, but . . .
I won my point. He has 30 days to pay my lawyer's fees. He disclosed that he is due to retire in October, and my half of his retirement should begin within 90 days of his retirement. I can think of no reason we should have to communicate or cross paths.
I just feel so bad for him. I tried my best to take care of him for 20 years. It was sort of Job One with me. It truly breaks my heart. I have no anger, just pain.
That may have been part of my problem all along. I have a Savior complex. I kept trying to fix his problems. In effect, fix him. Wife was dressed up, but he is wearing a shirt I bought him at least 3 years ago, that had no hope of ever matching the button to the button hole ever again. ( T shirt underneath)
Stupid of me to feel so blue, but can't seem to shake it.
Thanks for listening.
So sorry to hear this, Punkin. The man you married is gone, it would seem. Only he can bring him back. At least, new (and I spit this out) "wife" won't get everything.
Take care.
Aww, Punkin - sorry about that.
I get where you're coming from though. Just yesterday I found myself thinking about some medical advice my ex needs. Information that I have (am expert in!) but that he just wouldn't hear from me when we were married (because he was so busy trying to find reasons to make his leaving be my fault, he couldn't possibly take my advice on anything).
Some days I find myself thinking, well maybe now he'd listen to me, since we've been broken up for over 3 years and he's now engaged to his new young fiancee. Even though he was a [censored] to me,(and I don't want him back, no,no,no) I still worry about his health. I guess we are lucky that we have that ability.
Punkin - I really relate to what you wrote - shortly after leaving me my xh developed a medical condition which if caught in time could have been dealt with relatively easily. I saw him briefly at the theatre about two and a half years after he left and thought he looked terribly ill. Six months later I got a call that he had advanced cancer [ of a diagnosable/treatable type if caught early]. He then underwent nearly a year of treatment and surgery, and now lives with a permanent disability, and reduced life expectancy.
I am morally certain that if he had been living with me, or at least on friendly terms, I would have seen how ill he was much sooner. Truly in the May when I saw him he looked liked death, but didn't get it diagnosed until early September of that year!
MLC is so so destructive and sad.
Punkin,
Your posting sounded so much like one I would have written years ago about my xh, right down to the buttons not meeting the buttonholes. I felt the same way that you do right now, but had to accept early on that there was nothing I could do for him. I just don't get it...when there's another person involved and they don't see that the mlcer needs medical attention or change their diet. I use to think that my xh's new wife encouraged him to drink, eat a lot of fast food, etc., so that she could get her hands on his money, but I now don't think it's all her, but him.
Punkin, I'm glad you finally got the back pay settled and everything appears to be going okay for you now...please don't dwell too long on his appearance. I know it's awful and sad, but you did the best you could for him when he was w/you and that is what matters. You loved this man w/your heart and soul. I'm so sorry you had to see him like that.
Bea, I agree w/you...mlc is so very destructive and sad. I hope and pray that these mlcers will some day see the light and realize what a good life they had and then threw it all away.
Thanks everyone for your input. It's always nice to have compatriats out there who have been through the same wars.
I can't say everything is looking rosier this morning; I still have a splitting headache, didn't sleep much at all last night, and have a full day of work ahead of me. This is definitely one of those LET GO AND LET GOD moments. I prayed for him last night, asked God to help him help himself. I'll keep doing that as the days and weeks go on. That is the extint of my involvement. Period. I have to let it go.
Anyone got any exciting Labor Day weekend plans? If the hurrican doesn't reach me and flood me out, I'm planning to paint my house. At least START painting my house. One can at a time. ( My neighbors are going to hate me)
Punkin,
You are doing the right thing...praying for him. I know exactly how you feel. I worried myself sick when I actually saw him and the way he looked. God is the only one that can turn him around now.
We are suppose to get rain most of the weekend. I'm hoping to get some yard work done and maybe see what's playing at the movies if it does rain.
What color are you painting the house?
Punkin,
My heart goes out to you.
I have seen this with my H as well. He was a smoker when we met. As the R got more serious I talked to him about quitting. I did not nag as he never smoked in the house or anywhere that I was with him. I just wanted him around longer as his Mom and her 9 siblings all died early deaths due to complications from smoking.
When I got pregnant with our first child, H decided to quit. He remained smoke free for 26 years, except for 3 weeks when his mother died.
When he left and moved in with ow, who is a smoker, he immediately took it up again. This time with a vengeance. The kids have reported that he's a chain smoker, as is ow.
When the kids asked why he started smoking again he retorted that it was your mother who made me quit.
I have seen him with a cigarette since and it almost like he is saying see, I can do what I want.
To me it seemed like he was a teenager saying, I'm doing this and you can't stop me.
I don't know if it was him "showing me" that he had washed away any influence I'd had on his life.
Yep, he has certainly shown me by golly. The only thing is that he is destroying himself to do it.
Thanks Snodderly and Seeking,
Strange how worrying about someone is such an ingrained habit that even now I can't stop! I even realize I still miss the Jasack.
I realized today that after the judge delivered his decision, I stood up with my lawyer, who told me to have a good day, walked by my X without a backward glance and strolled out of the courtroom. I did see his wifey's "stricken" look. I know what she was in for last night. A full night of drinking himself into oblivian, and ranting to all what a B**ch I am.
As I believe many of you have said before, my X is far from being cooked yet. I am starting to wonder if he ever will be.
Snodderly - the house is going to be a silvery grey, with slightly off white trim, charcoal shutters and a front door painted Red Delicious.( a dark red) The roof of my house is mid to dark grey shingles, so I think it will look very striking. Eventually, I plan to put up the victorian wrought iron fence around the front yard. I am on a street of early 1900 homes, with white picket fences and green shutters, so this should set my little house apart from the others.
The remnants of Hurricane Isaac arrived here this afternoon, but other than some power outages east of here and downed limbs, we are just having some long awaited rain. Should be passed by us by tomorrow afternoon.
Hope everyone has a safe and Happy Labor Day weekend.
Punkin,
It's taken me a moment to post - I feel so much empathy for the pain you are experiencing. Your kind heart and goodness still exists even after all of the incredibly offensive treatment. This is a testament to you!
Your house sounds lovely - you deserve the best!
IB
[censored] to be "wifey". I almost feel sorry for her ... but, she doesn't realize that Karma is the real b*tch.
Punkin,
Your home should be beautiful once you've completed all of your painting. The color scheme sounds great! A lot of work, but at the completion, a beautiful home and one that will be the talk of the neighborhood for a long time. Good for you!
Yes, dear old wifey will have received an earful that night. Karma sure is a @itch!
Glad to hear you got some much needed rain. We are still below our water table level here. Could use a lot more rain, but in a nice, gentle way and not the heavy downpours.
Enjoy your weekend!
Here's hoping everyone had a safe and happy Labor Day Weekend. Mine was productive. Had help painting the house and it is looking as wonderful as it did in my mind. Something about the paintjob makes me feel more it is MY HOME than it ever did before. Maybe because it is taking on my personality, just as I am rediscovering it for myself.
Have to admit that seeing him in court last week, even as bad as he looked, has set me back a bit onto the old song, "What I Did Wrong", but I suppose that is only normal, and is passing much faster than it has in the past.
Heat back up to 105 degrees today. Can't wait for Fall!
Hey Punkin...
Is my room painted yet?
You sound good young lady!
Eric