Well, I posted in the Newcomers section, but I feel I need to be here. I have been reading these posts and about MLC and I so believe that my H is in the mist of MLC. After 20 years of marriage I found out that H had been having an affair for about 6 months. He moved out and said that he needed space and time. I have been on this rollercoaster for about 2 months now and it has been insane. I am not sure I can handle the long ride.
The one thing is that I do believe in my vows and want to stay married, but sometimes it is so hurtful to hear him rewrite our history. Plus he says he loves her! UGH! I am thankful that he is at least being a good dad to our D.
I have good and bad days. On one hand I could crawl up in a hole and cry until I die because this hurts so bad. On the other I know that I am beautiful, strong and that God will be there for me no matter what happens with my husband. We will see how the journey goes, but I think I have found the right place to vent and get information.
Sitch currently is that I am trying to just remain friends, but I don't contact H unless it has to do with D. He comes on Tuesday and Thursday to D driving and then I usually cook dinner for all of us. The problem is he stays for about an hour afterwards and it drives me crazy. I just want him to come and go. Don't get me wrong. I am nice to him because I want to tread lightly. But how do I set a boundary here. He moved in with his parents, but spends the weekend with OW. I have been able to keep our interactions with just D and not the two of us together. But, on Saturday night we had dinner alone because D and her BF ate at a different table because they were going to a dance and did not want to sit with us. Of course I have vomit mouth and can't stop myself from R talk, and he tells me he is "confident, but conflicted about wanting to be with the OW, but he thinks his guilt is what is causing the conflict." DUH!!! So, I want to just let go and just take care of me. Detaching is just so hard. He still hugs me when he leaves and I am just not sure if I should let this be happening?
Hi Lorie....I understand how you are feeling. Im going thru this again for the 20th time I think over the last 4 years with my H. It is hard and you do want to crawl in a hole some days...but you are right, God is there with you to help you through this. If your uncomfortable with your H being there for so long after you cook for him, maybe you shouldnt offer to cook dinner for him anymore, or maybe if you do just say you have plans to leave afterwards...or maybe just leave him and your D to spend time together and you go about doing something else around the house. I have had to do that before....but most of the time H would follow me.
Like you, my H wants to Hug me when he leaves. Its hard and I have thought about telling him that I didnt want a hug, but I guess its just because Sometimes I do want that hug....I guess its what ever you can handle and deal with.
Sorry you are here having to deal with this.
Kiss,
I don't know how you have been able to deal with it so many times! I am not sure I would be strong enough for that, you are a strong person. I have decided to make small goals for myself and my first one is to make it through this week with a smile look forward to the holidays. Yes, it is so hard but I can fake it until I make or the week passes by. Do you have a goal this week?
Welcome to this board.
The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy book by MWD, Divorce Busting is also an excellent book.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read.
This is my
ultra brand new and improved list of links.
I would start with the going dark link.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post50956The link for the resources:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...rue#Post1539436Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1Doormat tactics
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...444#Post1942444Standing vs leaving
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1966340&page=1Why they run:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=67406&page=1http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...6668#Post526668Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=714209Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources.
You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
The stages of MLC are a template which can only be laid over an MLCer's experience retrospectively.
It's impossible to see the pattern until it has finished being laid or the crisis is complete.(nickel Cyrena).
So do not be too concerned where your MLC'er is in this process.(Although my general guess is that they are in REPLAY)
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he says and 50% of what he does.
Lets not worry about him. Lets work on you!
Start your homework assignments.
GAL.
Detach.
Use the time that your H has given you as a gift to
start to work on yourself.
Journaling-
I am reading the threads Cadet gave me. They are very insightful. Tonight I had to go work at the high school basketball game in the concessions, D is in the marching band, and D and H decided to come to the game so she could take pictures, she's also on the yearbook staff. I came out several times to talk to friends and I would catch him looking at me. It was so uncomfortable. I worked really hard to seem happy and laughing with my friends. He came to the concession stand to tell me how well D did driving. I listened to him with a smile on my face and congratulated my D on her driving skills. I have been very pleasant around H and otherwise have allowed him his space. I don't call, text or email him. I pray for him alot! The problem is I can't stand to be around him for long, because it just makes me uncomfortable. I feel he is scrutinizing everything I do and who I am talking to and what we are talking about. I know, mind reading, but it is kind of creepy at times. He doesn't contact me either. But talks to me about day to day stuff when he comes to take D driving. Is it just me, or is this uncomfortable feeling normal?
I am really getting nervous for Christmas eve and day because he is coming here to spend the night (in the spare bedroom) and most of the day with us. I hate the uncomfortable feeling I have and am afraid I won't be able to hide it from his as well as I have been. UGH!
Today, I am feeling stronger and know that I can do this and move forward with my life. One H may wake up from his fog, and one day he may not. I think I have come to terms with this idea. I am working so hard on detaching and focus on how to become a better me. I have ordered a couple of other books to read and feel knowledge is power. I have learned so much here and believe it will just make me stronger.
Lorie
Sorry you find yourself here
I can definitely relate to your pain and confusion
It is very hard to decide which tactics to follow
and it hurts so much to be friends with the man you are M too and knowing he has OW
It takes time to figure it all out
Cadet has some great resources
read as much as you can
focus on u
get a couselor, if you dont have one
this journey can be used for your good your growth
unfortunately, our H have to go to figure it out
many of them get OWs to help ease the pain
many of them may spiral down in their lives
cover yourself..cover your finances
do not trust anything he says or does
maybe seek legal guidence just to know your rights
many mlcer will overspend, using all the saving and creating debt
My suggestions are :
If you feel uncomfortable, set boundries
you do not have to be his confidant
you do not have to be his friend
cordial is enough
spend all your energy on you
and your daughter
You didnt create the MLC and you cant cure him now
exercise
read sleep eat
get with friends who understand and can support you
join a support group
pray
the pain lightens and as you will read most LBS seem to find their way
they change for the better
our lives become good again with or without the mlcer
the journey becomes a blessing-
hang in
peace
Thanks to all who have posted. I am still taking things day by day. I am reading a lot and have found so much information and it has helped me to detach. I am going to talk with H after the holidays and set some boundaries. H is going to come spend the night in the guest room on Christmas Eve so we can open presents on Christmas Morning with our D. I really am not looking forward to it, but this is what my D wanted. I am just thankful that I will have New Year's all to myself.
Merry Christmas everyone!!
Today is Christmas Eve, and I am looking forward to spend time with my family. H is coming to the house tonight to spend the night and open gifts as a family in the morning. Though I am praying for a Christmas Miracle and hoping he will wake up tomorrow and see how much he misses his family. I do not have any expectations of this and will be glad to have the holidays over with so that I can get this behind me. I know it will be easier to detach, and move on taking care of me after the weekend is over.
Merry Christmas everyone!
I don't know why my posts are not going through, but I have to vent right now. I was not looking forward to H being here over night for Christmas eve and I am now so pissed because he is texting OW! Right in front of me! I want to tell him I find this disrespectful, not just to me, but to our D as well! UGH!! I am so mad! I am going to keep my mouth shut! But I want to scream at him to stop!! UGH!
Today is Christmas day. H was here to open presents and he even bought me one, which I was not expecting. He cooked breakfast and then got showered and left. Though he gave me a kiss when he left, I think he did it out of guilt and obligation. I am sure he is heading to see OW. I am devastated! I am heart broken and don't know how I will survive this, especially if it last for months and months! I just want him to tell me he loves me and hold me again. I swear this emotional roller coaster is killing me! I just want to wake up from this nightmare!
Well, I keep posting here, and it never shows up. I think I must be doing something wrong. But, it helps to read posts and just journal here so I keep trying.
Today I will be taking D to in-laws for Christmas. I know that H will be there and I am trying to not be too anxious about it. My MIL and I are very close and she really wanted me to attend today's events. I really feel that going is more for her and D than for me. I am working on getting my PMA up to very high so that I can enjoy myself and H will see that I am not down in the dumps worrying about what his is doing and whether he cares about me or not. I am just going to be my happy self and enjoy time with my in-laws and nieces and nephews.
Well, now that Christmas is over I am feeling alot less stress about the days. Just focusing on spending this last week of school break with D. We are going shopping today, but one day this week D wants to have a family day with her BF, myself and H. I am not going to stress about this, I am not going to stress about this.
I am still focusing on finding a job, because I have a feeling that H feels too attached to us financially. I feel once I have a job then we can work more on dividing things financially and giving him more space to understand how this isn't going to be the greatest decision to not leave. But, I am trying not to mind read and just know I will feel better when I do not need to depend on him financially.
Please everyone pray that I find a job soon!!
I know that I am just journaling and am not getting too many responses, but I am just going to keep doing it. It helps me so much! Today I woke up feeling alot of peace. Even though I am going through all of this crap, I am letting go of the past and as the New Year approached I know that I am going to be okay. I will still have my good days and bad days. But, I know that I will okay. I am letting go of H and moving forward. It feels so right. Do I want him to clear his head out of this MLC, yes, but I can't do it for him. I will be here if this ever happens, but if it doesn't I have never needed him to survive and I know I don't need him now. Our marriage was special, we didn't get married until we were in our late twenties, and we both felt God brought us together. I feel if it is truly the case, then our hearts will forever be entwined. Will I ever love again, I don't know, but I am sure that I love myself and him enough to let go. So, I am dropping the rope and my life is going to be great in 2011!
Wishing you the best Lorie...its not an easy journey thats for sure. I will say that every day it gets a bit easier. Im learning to do this all over again. After letting my H come back for almost a year, Im trying to get over him again. Im trying to deal with him having an OW again. It is NOT any easier this time around but Im learning to handle it better.
Im hoping for a great 2011 for you!! For all of us!!
Lorie
Sorry you are not getting to many responses.
This is a very long hard journey that we are all on.
You must look at yourself and try to set goals for what YOU want.
How are the homework assignments coming.
You have not asked any questions about them so I hope they are clear and helping you.
I know that I found a lot of peace by reading what is here.
I am also hoping that you are now out of "moderation" mode and your posts are showing up a little faster.
Keep journaling and don't be afraid to ask questions.
The only bad one is the one you don't ask.
Thank you Kiss and Cadet,
I have done the homework reading and I am still reading other things as well. I don't have too many questions, as there are so many answers here on the board reading. Plus I am reading DB again and a couple of other books are on the way to read. I am expecting the new year to be a great one for me and all of us here!
Hi Lorie,
It's possible being that it's a holiday week a lot of folks are off the boards. It should return to normal next week and hopefully you'll have more responses.
Just remember that there is no quick fix to this. Your H will most likely be on this journey for a long time.
Take Cadet's advice and set your goals for yourself. You've been given the gift of time in this and it will be what you make of it.
We are all here for each other so don't hesitate to ask if something get confusing. More than likely somebody's been through it or something similar.
Thank you and I am taking advice and reading alot. I know this will be a long road and time is my friend. I really do feel good about working on goals for me. I am still gathering information so that I will be able to get my goals in a concise manner.
I know that posters will post more as I open up more too. Reading my past posts, I am still so reserved.
Thanks!
Today I am feeling a little anxious and I am not sure why. I remain focused on my goals. I did not sleep to well last night, and I wonder, do you ever stop waking up thinking about H? I woke up what seems like a million times, and each time H and my sitch was on my mind. Every morning I wake up thinking about H. I want that to stop!!
Lorie,
Unfortunately, it's par for the course early on in the sitch.
As you go on and become more centered you will find that it eases.
Keep the focus on you, be kind to yourself and the anxiety will lessen.
If it doesn't, a lot of folks turn to their Dr. for help to sleep and or anxiety.
I use to be that way. The first thoughts I would have would be of my H and all he had done to our family. Now I can say that it takes a little bit longer for thoughts of him to come to mind.
Welcome Lorie!
On the other I know that I am beautiful, strong and that God will be there for me no matter what happens with my husband. We will see how the journey goes, but I think I have found the right place to vent and get information.
Good mindset to have. Remember this.
I have been on this rollercoaster for about 2 months now
So how long do you plan to stay on this rollercoaster?
I am not sure I can handle the long ride.
You will actually be surprised at how much you can handle. So how much can you handle? How much are willing to give?
but sometimes it is so hurtful to hear him rewrite our history.
They all do. Guess what YOU do not have too though.
Sitch currently is that I am trying to just remain friends
Just remember HIS definition of friends may very well be different. I have found that a friendship with an MLC works as long as YOU agree with everything they say. You may find that the friendship will change over time. Never lose yourself in the friendship.
The problem is he stays for about an hour afterwards and it drives me crazy
You could always ask him to leave. What are you afraid of?
I am nice to him because I want to tread lightly
Why tread lightly? Be nice because you want to NOT because you think it will result in something else. FYI…may come a time when nice is also accepting what YOU can and cannot live with.
But how do I set a boundary here
HOW is not really the question….I believe the question should be WHY.
So, I want to just let go and just take care of me.
And what is stopping you?
Detaching is just so hard.
Hard is an understatement. It takes time…so be patient with yourself.
He still hugs me when he leaves and I am just not sure if I should let this be happening?
Who the hel* know if IT should be happening. The question is DO YOU FEEL comfortable with it.
The problem is I can't stand to be around him for long, because it just makes me uncomfortable.
Solution to the problem is simple……be around him as long as YOU can stand to. When you do not want to be around him – don’t.
I have and am afraid I won't be able to hide it from his as well as I have been.
Afraid, fear, panic….all of these emotion can really mess with your head. I am sorry to say but you have two options….
1) Run or 2) face them
Which will you choose?
BTW, can you list your goals?
God Bless,
Eric
Wow Eric, you sure are on top of things. I am working on making choices for me! It may not seem like at times when I post because I am venting or journaling. Sometimes I just need to get things off my chest. I know that I shouldn't let things get to me, but that is easier said than done! I am a work in progress. Keep me on target, PLEASE!
Lorie,
The most important concept you can grasp...and trust me it will take time...is this...
LET GO.
Take a step back and sit down and figure out what YOU want for YOU. What do you want your life to look like in the future.
Happy New Year
Eric
Eric, thanks, and I am working detaching and letting go. Reading some of the posts here have definitely made me realize the sooner I let go, the sooner I regain my own power.
Today is going to be an interested day. D wanted us to have a family fun day so H is going with us to play putt putt golf. I am doing this for my D, but I have set some goals for myself today.
Have a PMA
Be present and have fun
Act "as if" we are good friends just having fun
If he is texting OW, act "as if" it is just a friend and is none of my business.
Maybe flirt as little, if and only if I feel like it
Wish me luck and I will post later.
Lorie,
1) good luck
2) as hard as it is PLEASE....let me repeat PLEASE...set your expectation at ZERO. Please.
Eric
Today went extremely well. All my goals were met and I feel at peace with it.
Eric, I did not have any expectations at all. Just expectations about myself. I did well, we had tons of fun. My D enjoyed it very much and we both thanks H for coming. He said it was fun and we should do it again. We hugged and left and that was it. I wont see or hear from him until next Wed. when he comes to take D for driving lesson. I am good with that too. I feel more in control of my life and I am happy with leaving him today with a bit of fun family time for him to remember.
Tomorrow night is New Year's eve and I have nothing planned. But I am going to dress up and drink some wine to ring in the new year and know that whatever happens, I am going to be in a better mental place.
Happy New Year everyone!
Lorie,
My XH did the same thing! Texted OW right in front of me. I guess I see things differently than some others on here. Mad? You bet I was! For awhile I tried the DB techniques, but I have to say that I think most of these WAS are emotionally "gone" and aren't coming back. Are there some that return and stay for good? I'm sure, but I don't think many.
I filed immediately because I didn't want to end up in financial ruin like many people have. My advice is to be smart, be selfish, and do for YOU! Have that PMA for YOU! Who cares about the lying, cheating man that he has become. MLC or not, it's disrespectful and why should anyone be treated like that?
I LOVED my marriage, but you know what? I'm doing just fine as a single girl. Believe it or not, I am SO happy and have the friends I never thought I would ever have. There is a great life out there for you. So, you decide what you want. Put H in a little box on a shelf somewhere and learn all about you. You'll figure out what to do.....
I guess I see things differently than some others on here. Mad? You bet I was! For awhile I tried the DB techniques...
Lorie,
Believe me, we all have gotten angry over this sort of behavior. Who wouldn't?
DB techniques work when you give them time to work. Are they going to save your M? Maybe, maybe not. However, they will save you and definately make relationships with other people (any type of relationship) better.
I filed immediately because I didn't want to end up in financial ruin like many people have. My advice is to be smart, be selfish, and do for YOU! Have that PMA for YOU! Who cares about the lying, cheating man that he has become. MLC or not, it's disrespectful and why should anyone be treated like that?
While filing works for some and that is truly the business end of it...
Do not ring a bell that you can't unring.
No one is saying to allow yourself to be treated like a doormat however, it is possible to find a less drastic solution that works for you, until the time comes when you want to do something else.
If I had filed right away, I know I would have felt like I had quit. And quitting for me, was not an option. I spent quite a bit of time standing for my M, and when I stopped standing, I can honestly say that I did everything possible. I didn't quit. I have peace in my heart over it.
That is what you should feel if it comes to that point. IMO.
There is a great life out there for you. So, you decide what you want. Put H in a little box on a shelf somewhere and learn all about you. You'll figure out what to do.....
This I agree with.
Shift the focus from him to yourself.
You can do this without being selfish or totally giving up on the idea of a restored M.
Patience, with yourself and others, is a virtue that you will learn through this journey.
Time really is your friend. It is a hard concept to believe, especially since we spend so much time playing "beat the clock" in this world...
It is the best friend you will have through this entire thing.
You will get more responses, the boards slow a bit on the holidays and weekends. Keep posting and venting and journaling.
Welcome to the best worst place to be.
If I had filed right away, I know I would have felt like I had quit. And quitting for me, was not an option. I spent quite a bit of time standing for my M, and when I stopped standing, I can honestly say that I did everything possible. I didn't quit. I have peace in my heart over it.
That is what you should feel if it comes to that point. IMO.
CAT04 as usual has the wisest things to say!
Thanks for that today.
Happy New Year!
Thank you Golfgirl and Cat,
I am not giving up on my M, just realize that the past is the past and I can't change that. I am working on DB and will continue to do so. I do think that if I filed right now I would feel like a quitter, and I am not a quitter. I am remaining dark, and go days without talking to H. I only talk to him about D and otherwise do my own thing. I know that giving him his space and time is what I need to do for me. He thinks it is for him, but you know, I feel it is for me. IF he ever decides he still loves me and wants to work on the marriage, I will have had the time to decide if I want to work on it as well. It will be something we both have to agree on. Only time will tell. I have let go and have really felt at peace with that decision and I am in control of my life. I know I will still have bad/sad days, but mostly, I am looking forward to enjoying my life and my D. I have a clear mind and H is the one who doesn't.
I am looking forward to finding a job and focusing on making new friends, single friends that I can enjoy some time with this year. I am not looking back, only forward.
Today my D left to be with her BF and his family for the weekend and I am taking down Christmas decorations and the tree. I am going to clean house and start the New Year with a clean house and working out tomorrow.
I hope everyone has a great New Year's Eve and a prosperous, healthy and happy New Year!
Cadet,
I do find the wisest people post here and I am very thankful for that!
Lorie,
Whoa...I am SO not a quitter. In fact, my XH and I saw THE DB guru herself, Michele W-D in Boulder one day (at my insistence). She clearly pointed out to me that my road would be "treacherous" at best. I was married almost 20 years and wanted to remain married. However, I am NOT stupid. XH was in an affair with the VP of his company who just happened to oversee all financial operations. They were hiding money from me! Thank GOD I listened to people on this board who told me to protect myself financially. Once I filed, I felt protected and then really started to work on things. It was just too late, he was already gone. Could I have waited years? Maybe, but why? In fact, the lady who does my facials just re-married her first husband after 30 years of not speaking a word to each other! So, there is hope if I want there to be. Right now, I'm just enjoying me.
Golfgirl,
I didn't say you were a quitter, all of our sitches are different and I was just stating I was not a quitter. But, like you, I will not be walked all over either. We all have to do what is best for our sitshes and I believe you did what was best in yours.
God Bless and Happy New year!
Lorie
You sound strong
We start creating a new life for ourselves and figure it out as we go
finding friends is so important
having fun and starting over
in so many ways my life is so much better than when I was M
In the beginning I spent a lot of time becoming friends with xh
He visited my home several times a week
I think we spent more time together than when we were M
He had younger ow
It did not work out, but it was a definite stage I had to go through
I did not really give on up on my M for 2 full years plus after he left
That time was mine to figure it out, to grow , to get therapy, to be quiet, to connect with my kids ect
I knew I wanted my M but xh never turned back..ever I finally let go
You will figure it out in time
it definitely takes time
I agree with GG
watch the finances..this is one are we have seen over and over on the boards
they become different men and therefore we and their children become less important in the crises
and with the influence od OW, they can potentially go broke and in debt
peace
Thank you Peace! I am a strong person and know that whatever happens with H is his choice, and I have no control. I will still grieve for the marriage and the man who use to be my husband. It may take me years before I can even trust another man in my life, including H. It may not, all I know is I am taking one day at a time, and letting go of H is what is good for me.
God Bless and Happy New Year!
Lorie,
No, I never meant you called me a quitter, but I feel others implied that. All of us have different situations and we all have to do what is right for us. I feel I left my marriage after trying everything to do to save it. It was a rough 18 months, but I made it out the other side and am so much better. I just knew I didn't want to spend another day with someone who didn't want me.
Happy New Year to You!!
Lorie, I am also in the process of letting go of H as it is what is best for me. I hope we can bring each other the strength we need. My best to you in the new year. It's a new start, and we all have the chance for a better and more peaceful life :-)
Antonia,
I do think after 18 months you gave it your all. That is a long time, I am not sure I can last that long! It has only been 2 months and I read some of the posts with people still DBing after 2 or 3 years. I don't know what I have in me at this point, but I do know, that letting go of H at this time really gives me the strength to allow him space and time. Do I want my H to work on our marriage, yes, but I have no control over him, only myself. Letting go is empowering me to be the best me I can be so if he chooses to come back fine, if he chooses to not, fine. I just keep telling myself this. I am going to be fine no matter what he chooses.
I know this year is going to be a much better year for all of us!
Lorie,
I think you'll be surprised how quickly time goes by when you are just doing what you want to do. You'll realize how many things you hadn't done in sometime because HE didn't want to. You know what was the hardest for me? I had to "untwist" the pretzel I had become to stay in the marriage. I had absolutely no idea of who I was or what I wanted from life. It's fun, really fun to discover yourself again. To laugh, to play, to enjoy again. I took a 10-week divorce seminar based on the book by Dr. Bruce Fischer "Rebuilding: When your Relationship Ends." I would highly recommend looking for a support group, or at least reading the book." So, I read TONS of books and just thought about life again. You will be fine, no...you will be better and stronger than you ever imagined; no matter how things work out. Go with the Flow and let things unfold naturally.
Thank you Golfgirl! I am really working on my relationship with God right now as my first step to discovering me. You know, today is 1/1/11 and it is page 1 of the next chapter in my life! I am looking forward to it!
I think the number "1" has something to do with angels. And, 2 of them in a row, like 1-1-11 is huge!
May this be the start of an amazing year for you!
Oops...I think it's 3 of them in a row...
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Okay, I am sitting on my hands because I want to text H a happy new year text. I just want to text "Happy New Year, I hope it brings you all the happiness you want." Is that bad? I know it is crazy! I know he spending the weekend with OW! I guess, he would be expecting this, so my 180 is NOT texting H! I need to let this go! Okay I have to go get busy doing something and not think about this! LOL!
Lorie, I'm sitting on your hands with you and mine too! I've been posting over in Newcomers but think I may be dealing with MLC. I think I'll text "Happy New Year" to some random phone number instead LOL. Who knows, maybe I'll make a new friend.
Full,
I know, it is so hard. I have texted it to some of my friends and my D who is away this weekend. I believe I have moved passed the need to text H. I think it helps to post about those temptations, because it helps us NOT do them.
I texted my soon to be ex have a good year, she texted back U2.
I sent it not expecting a reply, but you do have to be true to yourself too.
If you are a kind and caring person, continue to be a kind caring person.
If wishing someone the best is pressure, well that's on them, not you.
That's my 2 cents.
That is a perspective I haven't thought of and I am a caring and kind person! I will just have no expectations. Thank you for reminding me that I am that kind of person.
Have a great 2011!
Well, I did send H a test yesterday and of course I did not hear anything back, but wasn't expecting it. I did unfriend H on Facebook. I communicate with so many friends and family on there that I just didn't want him knowing my business. He doesn't post much on his facebook page but OW does and I just don't need to see that either. I actually blocked them both. I wasn't friends with her either, but I just didn't want either of them to have the ability to see anything! It has made me feel empowered and free to be me!
Well Lorie, at least you didn't have any expectations. I continued to sit on my hands and never did text so I guess we were both successful in our own ways.
I will see STBXH today when he drops the kids off and will wish him a Happy New Year then and I also won't hold any expectations like you did so as to not be disappointed. I'm just so excited to have my kiddies back as it's been a long holiday without them.
As for Facebook, I did the same a long time ago and I really stil believe it was for the better.
Full,
I am so proud of you for sitting on your hands. Keep the no expectations going and know that we are all here for you.
I am excited to see my D too, she has been with her BF and his family out of town all weekend. I will have her until Friday and then she will go to H for the weekend. But I have gotten so use to it just being she and I that I have really missed her.
Have a fantastic day!
Today was a good day! I got all my Christmas decorations down and some laundry done. I even cooked myself a little dinner. D got home later than expected, but glad she got back safe and sound. She and I had a great conversation about the fun she had. I thought, how sad that her father wasn't here experiencing this. I don't think he even knows how much he is missing out on.
Tomorrow I am meeting my mom for shopping and then applying for more jobs!
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Lorie
Good luck on the job search.
God Bless,
Eric
Thank you Eric! I know that finding a job will help me focus on myself and not on H. It will also release a financial tie to H and again that will help me focus on myself.
I want to continue this growth and finding a job will be a great ego boost, not that I have a poor self-esteem, because I know I am great. But, being productive in a job, being around new people and taking control of my financial well-being will be a huge jump!
Today I have been reading alot about the MLCer and really have determined that this is what is happening to my H. It is amazing how some of their descriptions can be right on target with his personality. The thing that scares me the most is the length of this crisis. It is totally out of our control and learning to react properly is essential in forcing them to work on their own issues instead of blaming. My goodness, this could take forever. I have never really known my H to be so introspective, so he may never work on his own issues. This makes me sad in a way, not for me, but for him. I know that I will be okay, but he may never get out of this craziness.
I do know not pursuing him has given me strength to focus on myself and my D's needs. I know that I don't worry so much about what he wants from me. I do wonder what he is doing and thinking, because we have never gone this long without talking. But, I feel I am doing the right thing for me. I am much more relaxed and present with D and it feels right at this time to do this for me.
I hope everyone had a good day!
Good work Lorie! I know how difficult this truly is!
I know what you are feeling. As you read more about MLC - you realize that no one truly knows what will happen. I've recently read a book called "Runaway Husbands" - I was amazed at how dead on the descriptions were.
Doesn't really matter - our H's have taken a different path that currently does not include us. therefore - what does OUR path look like? I've never really thought about this before - I was so happy being in this relationship. Now I have to "re-learn" everything!
Lorie, I've just read through your sitch for the first time. (((HUGS)))).
You're working really hard, and you should be commended for that. I'm glad you are journaling. Even if a day goes by and no one responds, keep doing it. It's good for you.
I wanted to touch on the fact that you said you even cooked for yourself. This phrase hit me because I was a big cook before--not every day, but a few times a week, I'd make a really impressive meal for me and H. I was very active in a FB group that took pics and shared our cooking. It took me MONTHS to cook for myself. I still have a hard time doing it. I feel like I have to invite a friend over or I can't do it!!
I know this is a sign of depression, so if you're crossing that bridge and cooking, you're doing well, because it means you're taking time to care for yourself. That's so important.
I'll keep up with reading your sitch and try to find you on the alt (fb).
Lorie -
I just read what you posted on my wall, and I am so sorry. I know exactly how you feel. I know that right after my bomb dropped July 3rd. I would settle for the "scraps" of his attention. I craved it - even if it was just a simple text message.
I does get easier with time. Your recovery from painful situations becomes almost immediate.
When I say it get easier - I don't mean it goes away. At least it hasn't for me. If I truly detach right now - it will be the first time I have ever gone completely dark.
Hang in there ((hugs))
Antonia, I usually and not the cook, my H is a fabulous cook and I miss that. Generally when I am alone, I don't cook for myself so that is a treat to me.
TAMF- This has a been a really rough morning for me. I cried and sobbed so much. I have been doing so good and today has just started out bad. I miss H terribly, I ache for him and just pray ALOT! I have never felt more alone in my whole life. I just wish he thought about me enough to just check in with me, but my head knows that is not going to happen.
Thank you all for the hugs and kind words.
Hi everyone,
After writing the above and then crying some more, I cried out to God for help. Now I know this will seem silly to many of you, but, 30 mins later, H texted me! It was nothing serious or even him checking on me, he was asking a question about a news story he was working on. But, I felt it was a sign that God heard my cry and it was a way for him to let me know to be patient and things will be okay.
I am not having delusions that H is trying to get back with me or anything. But, after not hearing from him for 4 days, it was interesting to get the text. We only texted about what he needed and that was it.
Lorie, no its not silly. God knows when we are at breaking point and gives us some relief, no matter how small. Its has happened to me many times. And I have learned to ask more, and listen more.
I know sometimes I think its so pathetic that the smallest scraps of attention, texts, calls are enough to get us through the day. In the early part of my sitch I would even ask him to call me, and I still felt happy when he acquiesced, thinking that at least he cared enough to do so. Now I have grown stronger, and less dependent on those scraps.
Take care!
So, today I am going to meet a friend for lunch and have some fun. This evening H is coming to take D driving and then the three of us are going out to eat pizza. D's idea. We have not seen him since last Thursday. I am getting my PMA so that I have no expectations, and enjoy our time together.
I have to say right now, I am very lucky that H is not mean about any of this, so I feel I can be comfortable around H.
Everyone have a great day!
my H has never been mean - has always been there for me financially, for the girls, does things around the house. We are friends. This is my problem you see? The only thing he does wrong is love another woman and sleep with her.
[censored], but could be worse.
my H has never been mean - has always been there for me financially, for the girls, does things around the house. We are friends. This is my problem you see? The only thing he does wrong is love another woman and sleep with her.
[censored], but could be worse.
I can say the same thing for me. I would trust my H with anything in my life...other than to be faithful and love another woman
Its a hard thing to deal with.
TAMF & Kissak,
I am glad that both your H's aren't mean either. I have read and heard so many who are so mean.
We did go out for pizza and it was fun. I was relaxed and comfortable. I was glad he did not sit next to me as he usually does, and he sat next to D. Though she was on the edge of the booth as far from him as she could get. I think she is still struggling with her feelings about all this when she is around him. I wish she would just talk to him, but she says she just doesn't like confrontation. Which she gets from her father.
When we got back to the house, I didn't invite him to stay, but walked out with him. We chit chatted for a few minutes and he hugged me goodbye. I just look at him sometimes and think, "what happened to the man who loved me so much?" I just wish I could shut off my feelings as easy as it seems he is able to.
I just look at him sometimes and think, "what happened to the man who loved me so much?" I just wish I could shut off my feelings as easy as it seems he is able to.
Oh Lorie, How many times I've had these very same thoughts. If only I could find that switch.
(((Hugs)))
I think many of us have wondered what happened to the man who used to love us and be there
It is baffling
and yes I too wished I could have and wondered how he could shut down so easily
Im glad you had a nice evening with H and D
creating a friendship seems to be the way to go
peace
Lori,
So many different schools of thought. I remember being thankful for any scrap of attention my H threw me, like a starving dog. Wondering if the few and far between contacts are his way of staying in touch, or cake eating to assure I was still waiting in the wings. I, too, remember crying out to God to help relieve the pain. Since that time, I have learned to be thankful for unanswered prayers.
This is all very new to you, and I know the extreme pain you are in. I want to sound encouraging, but I am a great cynic, and although I mean well, sometimes come off a bit of a downer.
Just protect yourself. From expectations, from timelines, from all the things our H's do to assure themselves they "are not the bad guy".
You didn't break him. You can't fix him. Only God and time will accomplish that. In the meantime, you concentrate on your D and yourself.
((HUGS))
Lorie,
I want to continue this growth and finding a job will be a great ego boost, not that I have a poor self-esteem, because I know I am great. But, being productive in a job, being around new people and taking control of my financial well-being will be a huge jump!
Good mindset up there ^^^^^
I have been reading alot about the MLCer and really have determined that this is what is happening to my H.
Okay so now that you know what is going on with your H…what is going on with YOU?
It is totally out of our control and learning to react properly is essential in forcing them to work on their own issues instead of blaming.
Totally out of YOUR control..YES… what is IN YOUR CONTROL? Oh….and YOU cannot FORCE someone to work on their own issues – it is a choice they must make when and
IF they choose to. Once you embrace that concept you will be better positioned to really focus on what YOU need.
My goodness, this could take forever.
Focusing on a timeframe or how long it could take will do you NO good. Make a choice to stand or not stand and then stick with it. While standing focus on you and your needs and leave your H to God. It really is the only way to get through this and THROUGH you will need to go. No short cuts, no quick fixes, nope…nothing but HARD WORK on YOURSELF.
I just wish I could shut off my feelings as easy as it seems he is able to
“shut off feelings”…Hmmmm….I would not worry about that right now Lorie. Look you will more than likely love this man for the rest of your life. A love that may or may not change. Letting someone go is really the true form of love. Allowing your H to walk his own journey (while you walk YOURS) without guilt or frustration is truly love. Be proud of yourself and do not work to “shut off” the feelings. Your feelings will change when they are supposed to – all in God’s time.
Just protect yourself. From expectations, from timelines, from all the things our H's do to assure themselves they "are not the bad guy".
You didn't break him. You can't fix him. Only God and time will accomplish that. In the meantime, you concentrate on your D and yourself.
Great quote up there ^^^^^ from Punkin….
God Bless,
Eric
We did go out for pizza and it was fun. I was relaxed and comfortable. I was glad he did not sit next to me as he usually does, and he sat next to D. Though she was on the edge of the booth as far from him as she could get. I think she is still struggling with her feelings about all this when she is around him. I wish she would just talk to him, but she says she just doesn't like confrontation. Which she gets from her father.
When we got back to the house, I didn't invite him to stay, but walked out with him. We chit chatted for a few minutes and he hugged me goodbye. I just look at him sometimes and think, "what happened to the man who loved me so much?" I just wish I could shut off my feelings as easy as it seems he is able to.
Lorie, your sitch and mine are very simular - we both have husbands that are still "attached" to us and you will soon (I think) find yourself in the friend zone. IMO this is not a bad thing, it makes your Ds life easier - that is for sure. But IMO being in the friend zone keeps you attached as well. This is a decision I made to do and decided I would live with the consequences.
I don't regret the choice I made to remain friends with my H. But I will tell you that I am 7 months later dealing with pain again because my expectations and hope that we would stay together is still a daily issue for me. If you choose to stop being his friend and pleasantly stay detached from those conversations and interactions with him, it might be easier for you in the long run. I don't know though, because I haven't done it until now.
Being his friend was a good choice for ME. It is what I needed to gradually break away from him. And I do mean GRADUALLY
This is NOT a choice that is recommended by most
Thank you everyone! I am still new to this as you can tell sometimes I am doing really good and sometimes I am not. But I am focusing on several things:
No expectations from H!
Many expectations from myself:
Find a job
Keep busy
Feel my feelings as they arrive
Be the best Mom I can be to D
TAMF, I do believe that being friends is the best option for my D right now. When I am around H I don't have expectations from him but from myself. I want to be able to be comfortable and be able to be me during those times. I believe this will help me to detach. I am way too early in this process to know that H is still enjoying his freedom from responsibilities and OW then to have any expectations. I know that he is no longer the man I married and I treat him as the father of my D. He doesn't talk to me otherwise, about his life or mine. So I just leave it at that and stay true to me.
I am so thankful that I have these boards to vent and journal. You are all wonderful people and we deserve the best life has to offer.
Thank you!
Venting---
Something that really bugs the crap out of me is when something breaks or goes wrong and H would normally fix. It took me all day to fix something that H would normally do in a lot less time. UGH!! But, I am proud of myself for fixing it.
But, I am proud of myself for fixing it.
That.
That right there is what it's all about.
Well done.
V
I am so very thankful for this site and being able to read and post to so many. I know post daily, but this is where I feel comfortable venting and journaling.
Today I was thinking about having patience. I have never been one to have too much patience and have found a peace in this patience. In my prayers and reading, I think this is something that I am learning and is starting to gain and new appreciation for patience. It helps me to feel calm and enjoy so many things, especially with D16. We all know how patience can go out the window with teenagers!
I have looked at the past 9 weeks and see how much I have grown in this department. I realized today that I have made it 9 weeks! I can make it another 9 weeks. My relationship with God is growing deeper and I feel His presence more often through out the day.
God Bless to all of you who are here, and may He heal us and our spouses. God is awesome!
Hey Lorie!
I don't think I have posted to you before but just wanted to say I loved your last post! You are sounding very good! Patience is a virtue!
Hi Lorie,
Sometimes I think that these things happen because of a reason. I myself have found many positive things in this sitch, I have started learning patience, how not to be angry, how to rise above my emotions, and am trying to look deep into myself, trying to figure out if my H and I are co-dependent. This plus so many other things.
Keep on praying - the Lord will not give us something we cannot handle.
I remember someone saying that if it won't kill you it will make you stronger. It is a journey not only for our H but also for ourselves.
Keep on praying - the Lord will not give us something we cannot handle.
I remember someone saying that if it won't kill you it will make you stronger. It is a journey not only for our H but also for ourselves.
Angel,
I believe this whole heartily. No matter what happens, we will come through stronger, and self actualized as to who we are and what we really want and need in life.
Today has been a hard day. D is with H this weekend and I do feel lonely. I went to a movie with a friend and then we had coffee, but coming back to the house just puts me into that loneliness. I have developed a chest cold, and I think that is part of the problem too. I don't feel well and I want someone here to feel sorry for me. LOL!
I hope everyone else if having a great weekend!
God Bless
Hi Lorie,
Why don't you sit down and write yourself a list of all the things you would like to do when your daughter is not home.....take a long bath, give yourself a pedicure, read, craft, geneaology, baking, jigsaw, movie, meditation etc. Keep the list in your pantry and refer to it whenever you are feeling at a loss. Insist to yourself that you must choose one thing off the list to keep yourself occupied.
Cas
Lorie that loneliness when you come home by yourself is going to dissipate. I'm looking at your timeline and I was feeling that at the same time too, but eventually it started to lessen. Each day it will ache a teensy bit less. It will be imperceptible, that change, but if you consider how you feel now and think about this in a month, it'll be different. I think the cold has a lot to do with it being worse too. The first time I was sick with H gone was a toughie for me. The second time, less so.
What made me start to feel less lonely was rearranging things in the house. I guess it just felt less like "our" house and more like "my" house. Maybe you can try just moving furniture around, rearranging pictures, that sort of thing. It might help.
Oh and Cas that is an EXCELLENT suggestion!! I have a mental list but I bet you a written list is more powerful.
Cas & Antonia,
Thank you both so much! I know that I am still new and some of these feelings will dissipate eventually. I have always enjoyed time by myself, but this has been so much more.
Cas, that is a great idea and I did go to the library to get a new book to read. I just need to write a list for these times.
Tonight was D's marching band banquet and it went really well until they showed a slideshow of the past season. I would look at those pictures and it just reminded me that my H was having an affair during those times! I could not even be happy for the kids. I was so mad at myself for that. But, I came home and let myself cry and then I was done. Of course, now I have a headache.
Hugs to you all!
God Bless,
Lorie...I understand the loneliness. It was horrible in the beginning for me. I would pretty much only come home to sleep on the weekends my kids werent there. Now I enjoy the time I have at home alone. It will bother me still but only if I let it. Its a good idea to have a list of things to do to keep you occupied though.
Contemplation, contemplation---
I am throwing this idea that has been with me for a couple of days now to see what you all think.
My D had a horrible time with H this weekend due to H staying at hi parents house. She is 16 and had a BF and doesn't get to see him like she does when she is here at the house. I allow him to come and hang out here with us. D said that her grandpa was grumpy the whole weekend, and in turn H was grumpy too. I feel like this was his seeing some of the consequences of his actions.
But, now, my idea is to offer for H to come stay here on his weekends with D. I could stay out of the way as much as possible, stay in my bedroom or basement. I could come and go as I needed and they could come and go as needed, H is still responsible to get her back and forth to various activities. D would feel much more comfortable in her own home. H could stay in the guest room as he did Christmas eve.
There are good things I see coming from this:
1) D would be much more comfortable.
2) H would see changes I have made.
3) H would possibly feel more comfortable with D here.
The bad things I see that could come of this:
1) I would feel like a guest in my own home.
2) Can I emotionally handle H being here and be totally detached?
What do you all think? Plus, if I am really being honest with myself, I want H to see how life here is not as bad as he thinks it is. I will not pursue, I will not initiate and I will not try to talk with him other than friendly conversation he may bring up.
Of course, he could say no, he doesn't want to do this either. I guess if I do bring it to his attention, then I have to have exactly 0 expectations.
Lorie,
Here is my two cents...
There are good things I see coming from this:
1) D would be much more comfortable.
2) H would see changes I have made.
3) H would possibly feel more comfortable with D here.
The bad things I see that could come of this:
1) I would feel like a guest in my own home.
2) Can I emotionally handle H being here and be totally detached?
Take a good hard look at the list you made. The good things have nothing to do with you. The bad things have everything to do with you. You have answered your own question. You must do what is right FOR YOU. Yeah, it stinks for your D. That is not your fault. You cannot fix your H's relationship with your D. Yes, your D suffers the consequences and it is often that part that makes it the most difficult. But the situation is the way it is because of the choice that your H has made. If he were to ASK, then perhaps that would be something different. But in my opinion, as you said, this is all about trying to subtly manipulate your H into opening his eyes and that type of manipulation does not work. By offering, you are both initiating and pursuing. Don't do it.
Thank you! I am so glad I can post these crazy ideas here and get a response. You are right, and I am not going to do it!! Have a great day!
Oh I agree totally with Albuquerque on this one. You remind me of me a few months ago. There are ways we have learned to rationalize scenarios that put us in touch with our H's that appear to be "the best thing for someone" but not the best thing for us. I think if you carried this plan out, you'd end the weekend feeling shattered. It is terrible what this does to people's children, but you have to be the rock so you can get them through it. So I'm glad to hear you posted and got feedback and changed your mind.
Thanks A! That is why I posted here. Everyone keeps myself focused on the right thing, which is to take care of me.
So, this morning, I got up and my house was 55 degrees, which really bugged me because we had a new furnace put in this summer. Of course the first person I wanted to call was H. But, I gathered my wits about myself and called the company who installed it. They are here now and believe that my gas line is frozen because I don't have hot water either. So, I am taking care of my and my D by NOT calling H and calling the right people. H couldn't have fixed it anyways! LOL!
GOOD FOR YOU in not calling him first. I still struggle with that. The first I didn't call him first was when I had a flat the other day. I called triple A. Like you said they can't help us anyway, but I think we want to call them because we want sympathy. It's hard to learn a new approach but with practice it will stick.
Yea Lorie! Way to handle things yourself! I know the feeling about wanting to make the "easy" call - you are awesome!
Thanks everyone! It does feel empowering to be able to think clearly and know that I can take care of things myself. I am still on the job hunt and now will be happy to take anything! I just need to have a job to get out of this house. I need to be around others and enjoy some more socializing.
I am excited to say that I am going to be helping out a friend tonight at the Arthritis Foundation 8-ball tournament. It is a pool tournament that I have helped at for about 3 years and really enjoy it. I don't play pool but find the people are so nice and fun to be around. I am looking forward to it. D will be with H at basketball games. They both love photography and she is taking pics for the yearbook.
Everyone have a blessed day!
Good for you Lorie!
This reminds me too of the choice I had to make in my sitch. In mine, my H wanted to S but at the same time live a few days in the house. It was him who wanted it, saying that it would be good for D12. This would have resulted in a sitch similar to yours.
I immediately thought of it as cake eating - he would have the leeway to pursue OW while not feeling guilty about not meeting his paternal and family obligations. But what about myself? i would be in pain, seeing him, knowing he was pursuing OW.
I said no, would rather have a clean cut - divorce! Well, for now he has chosen to stay at home. Maybe he might rekindle EA in hiding, which of course no matter what happens I will ultimately find out and he would have to face the consequences, maybe he may later choose to leave ..... I don't know. But at least for now the situation is as I prefer it and is under my control.
Its is empowering to be able to think clearly, and so good that we have examples to follow from other people.
Well, last night was first night I have really dreamed of H and remembered the dream. H wanted to reconcile, and it was a happy dream. Why do we dream these things and then wake up to the nightmare. I am not going to let it bother my day. Which is why I am posting it here, writing it gets it totally out of my mind and helps me to get on with my day.
I think I dreamed it because I saw H last night when he brought D home. Just goofy to dream such things!!
Everyone have a great day!
Today has been one of those days where I really feel like I am in limbo. I have repeated my mantra of patience, patience and more patience. I am just feeling blah. I want this craziness to end. I will see my H tonight at the basketball game where D is dancing at halftime. I am working on getting my PMA going so that I can act 'as if' and enjoy myself. I am not going to have any expectations. I am going to dress nice for me, and I may try to hone my skills of flirting. I will let you know how it went later. I hope everyone is having a fantastic Saturday!
God Bless
Lori,
The main thing is that you GO. For yourself and for your D. The looking nice is also for you and D, although I'm sure you always do. The flirting? Do you mean with H or others? JMO, but I think I'd hold off on both for the moment. It hasn't been but a couple of months, and any move at this time could be a false one.
Have a good evening.
I'm not sure if this is DB or DR, but I would have asked H to leave. I would "force" his wish to be with OW or have exchanges with her. "if you need to be with her or in contact with her, you need to go to her...NOW!"
I really enjoyed my evening at the basketball game. Everyone kept telling me how good I looked, so that was fantastic. H showed up right before half-time just in time to see D dance and take pics. I looked over to where he was sitting and kind of felt sorry for him. He looks pretty sad, and my D commented later it looked like he has gained ALOT of weight. I think so too. Anywho, after the dance I went and sat down with some friends to watch the game and wait on D. H actually came over and sat next to me. We just chit-chatted, and I did not flirt with him. I was just nice and smiled alot. Then D came and wanted to go home because she was hungry. I thought she would want to stay and hang with her dad, but she said no, right there in front of him! I said okay and just looked at H and smiled and left.
I posted on someone else's thread that I woke up this morning from a dream about being in the meeting where H brought OW. I was so overwhelmed I got up from the meeting and went outside. OW followed me and kept apologizing about everything, I just kept walking down the sidewalk and all of a sudden someone shot her three times and she was dead. Then I woke up. Crazy!!!
I hope everyone is having a great & Blessed Sunday!
I have to tell you all that today has been such an up and down day, and not because of H. It is due to financial difficulties. My D texted me from school saying she didn't have any money for lunch because she forgot to tell me she needed more money and she knew that we were currently trying to get money together for the house payment. She asked me to bring her some food after school as she had to stay for play rehearsal. I felt so bad! I told her she has to tell me when she needs money for lunch and I will find it, no matter what. She said she just feels bad because we don't have any money right now. I told her that my responsibility and for her not to worry about it. Thankfully I was able to call a friend to borrow money for D's lunches until H gets paid again. Plus, my dear friend brought over groceries, toilet paper and Kleenex. God has blessed me with such good friends. But I did cry alot knowing that my D is so worried about the money issue right now. But I am over it. I am looking for jobs everyday and she and I discussed other ways to cut costs, like turning off the cable and our land line phone. Gosh, they grow up so fast when these things happen.
Okay, now on to H. So, remember be wanting to invite H to spend his D weekend at our home because things haven't worked out being at his parents? Well, tonight D texts him to ask what they are doing this weekend, and H says, ask mom if we can stay at the house because grandparents are getting new carpets and there is no room for her to come stay. So I told her to tell him I have to think about it and he should call me tomorrow. Now I am having a bit of anxiety about this, because I had put this out of my head and here it is in my lap. I have to believe that God is trying to do some work here. So, I am going to say it is okay, but the weekend is his responsibility to get her to and from where she needs and that I will come and go as I please. I have got to find something to do one of the nights. With no money it is hard! But, I do have a starbucks card I got for christmas, so I may just go there one night. Who knows. What do you guys think? Oh yeah, I have to have no expectations about anything from him as he is still very involved with OW.
Good night all, and God Bless!
Lorie,
Just my opinion, but I don't see anything wrong with his request. There is a reason and you didn't initiate. You're already aware that rules need to be set. Sounds like you've got it covered. Don't really see why you HAVE to find something to do one night. If finances are an issue, don't force it. Find a good book from the library or curl up and watch a movie or find a task you've been putting off at home. If you weren't planning on doing something originally, don't change your plans because you're doing him a favor or feel like you need to show you're GAL. Be true to yourself.
Hugs ((Lorie)) It is toughest to see our kids suffering along with us.
Thanks Alb,I do have a do have things around the house that I can be doing. I am finally feeling better about getting back to some of my hobbies and am starting those this week, so I can keep on doing those things. One of them is scrapbooking and I was so worried about getting back to that would be depressing, but I actually feel that it will be good therapy. I have my scrapbooking place down in the basement, so I know I can go down there to do some work when I feel I need to get away. I also crochet and have a project to finish and I need to do that.
It is supposed to snow here again on Friday, so I probably won't be able to get out anyway. I have to drive 30 mins to the nearest city to shop or whatever and I don't like to drive in that mess.
Thanks for the hugs, sending them right back at you.
Blessings to all!
Journaling--
Just need to get some thoughts out of my head today. Yesterday was three months since H left. I have not initiated any contact with him for about 2 months unless it involves our D16. I am taking care of me and have found some peace during this time as my relationship with God has grown immensely. I have been able to detach so that when I am around H I am being me, and I am happy and positive.
I just have these fears that nag in the back of my head. I fear that not initiating any contact with H he may think that I don't care and therefore why leave OW who will at least be there for him. I fear I will never be able to love someone else. I fear that D16 and I will financially be devastated by a D. I fear I will never meet the needs H found from OW. I fear the affair will never end.
I also have some positives that keep me going everyday. My faith and belief that God is walking this journey with me and only HE can help my H find his way back to God and home where H's heart truly belongs. I have friends who check on me and help in so many ways. I have family who love me no matter what. I have a D16 who is incredible and loves me no matter what. My health is really good at this time, which I am thankful to God. I had Knee Surgery and gallbladder surgery within two months before H left. I have this board to help me navigate through this time in my life and helps me to see that I am much more than my H or my marriage. I am a child of God who has given me so many gifts to use to help others.
A couple of things...your hobbies, first. I am still having trouble with my hobbies and I'm 7 1/2 months along! I do cross stitch and it was a HUGE part of my life for 20 years or more. I was very productive. I've really lost my mojo with that, though. I think it is because it isn't something that occupies my mind--just my fingers--and so I watch movies all the time instead of stitching. If you can get back into scrapbooking, good for you! I don't know what my problem is but I have hundreds of projects half done and not even started that just sit here.
Your first paragraph sounds really good. Your second paragraph is on fear. On the first point, if he were going to choose to stay with OW mainly on the grounds that she was "there" and he assumed you were "not" because of your lack of contact, then he's not worth being with right now, if that makes sense. That's a terribly shallow reason that doesn't show any understanding of what you've "been there for" for all your marriage and even now post-bomb. If you start to have contact to try to show you "care", it will likely end up being detrimental to your progress. I get what you're saying--many times I did a letter or something to my stbxh saying "look I love you but I can't stay in contact because it's painful to me, but if you end that affair, I'm willing to work with you." Then time would pass and I'd think "oh no, I better remind him of this again." All that was just rationalizations I made to have contact because even bad contact was contact.
I also fear I won't be able to love someone else. But what I can tell you is that the longer I am post-bomb, the more I am seeing the dysfunction in my H. I really put him on a pedestal. NO MAN ON EARTH was better than him. But you know what? That's not true. There are plenty of men who don't run from their problems or cheat on their wives. The more that I gain strength, the more he falls from the god-like position I gave him. And the more that happens, the more that I think yes, I'll always love him SO much, but I can see that it is possible now that I might love someone else.
I mean, I have no trouble finding a space in my heart to love friends and family that I wasn't close to before. So it stands to reason that I can find that space to love another man some day if that's what's in store for me.
Financially, I was terrified. Things have worked out ok. It's a struggle. But a lot of friends told me that we fear this part a lot because it's yet another thing we can't control, but it's more in our control than we think--sometimes. Try not to let that bother you. Just start trimming expenses where you can.
I fear my H's affair will never end too, but if that's the case, then he is deciding that he'd rather have a broken relationship built on lies than a whole relationship built on love and work, and if that's the case, he's no good to me. I'd say the same is true for you.
I think that your faith is going to help you tremendously here in facing these fears. It may be that you and he will be brought back together whole, but it may be that your pathway is opening to a better life than you would have had with him.
I just have these fears that nag in the back of my head. I fear that not initiating any contact with H he may think that I don't care and therefore why leave OW who will at least be there for him. I fear I will never be able to love someone else. I fear that D16 and I will financially be devastated by a D. I fear I will never meet the needs H found from OW. I fear the affair will never end.
Read my sitch and you will KNOW that keeping in constant contact with H and being "friends" and sometimes "lover" is NOT WORKING FOR ME! It has been since July 3rd, and I am still getting 2x4s from my friends that my H needs to know what he will be losing. He has the best of both worlds, a 27 year old bartender girlfriend and a wife at home pining away for him. why should he change? IMO, keep doing what you are doing. It is the heathly thing for YOU.
I was TERRIFIED that I would never love again or even be able to have sex again! I had been with my H since I was 17 years old. HOW COULD I BE WIH SOMEONE ELSE?! that fear of my H being the ONLY man I could be with was another "thing" that was tying me to him. keeping me afraid of being alone. Just trust me when I tell you that this fear is not realistic - you are totally capable of being with someone else and being happy and love again.
IMO - Anyone of us on these boards that are capable of the great love of standing when we are treated like dog poop, is the kind of love that will never go away and will find another who is worthy of that kind of love.
The affair may never end. It might end, but he still doesn't come back. These are harsh realities that we must all face head on and be okay with the outcome. That is why everyone tells me that detachment is soooo important. In the time that you are taking care of YOU, if he doesn't come back you have prepared yourself. You have already moved forward.
Your so right....its so hard tho......I too have been w/only my husband since I was 21 yoa. That fear and my age now make me freeze! I feel so beaten down that its hard to get back up. Somedays I try others not so much....Sometimes, I tell myself your H is not sitting around crying over you like this. He is out there and wants to move on without you....
Even when people tell me all the time that I look 30, I feel old and think who will want me...I don't have kids and that is so scary...I get down when I think...I may not have them now....I waited to long....
Antonia, Tamf and dixiegirl,
Thank you so much for your support. I do appreciate all the kind words and wisdom. TAMF I have been reading your sitch and definitely see where you are coming from. I do not want to make any mistakes that hurt ME. I don't think at this point there is anything I can do to get my H to reconcile. That is his journey at this point. I really get that, but sometimes I do grieve what use to be our M and know that I don't want to go back there. I know we can't change the past, only the future and whether H is in mine or not is up to him and if there is room for him on my journey.
God Bless!
I read alot of the old posters on here and this is what I found tonight:
SOMETHING I FOUND HERE:
Another tidbit for the recently Betrayeds out there. This time I'll write more directly to the B.Wives...again it's equally applicable to BH's.
Wayward Spouses ALWAYS affair down. They NEED someone beneath them, who will admire them and give them feigned respect. Your husband is not seeking out the younger, better looking woman, he is taking whatever opportunity presents itself and meets his needs for sex, admiration, and boosts his self-esteem. SHE IS NOT SPECIAL. If she happens to be younger and pretty that is just the luck of the draw and a RARITY...most of the time it IS NOT the case. After reading here you will discover that the OW could have been anyone and your husband's choice of OW was not in any way an indication or indictment of you as a beautiful, attractive, desirable, intelligent, mature, moral, loyal, spiritual woman, wife and mother. OW is, I guarantee, no match for you.
Think of it this way, your husband is behaving low and dirty. Thus it necessarily takes a pretty low class woman to admire him at this point ... DO NOT allow this trash to rock your self confidence. You may or may not have let yourself go...but you can get it back and be the classy, beautiful, respectful, upstanding, Grade A woman you always were whereas the Other Woman WILL ALWAYS remain trash."
This is so my H! He has totally affaired down. It just makes me sad to realize he would rather be with that than with me. :-(
Hmmm...look at it this way: for all that they claim they have their act together and know what they're doing and feel great about it, that's all a bunch of lies they tell us and themselves. The bottom line is on some level, he knows it, hence you're too good for him right now. He has to pick someone who would also sink to his level to make himself feel good. Misery loves company. She's as broken as he is. It makes him feel less alone in his actions because someone else is doing something wrong right along with him.
I can't imagine the stories that the OWs tell themselves about these guys to justify being attracted to them. They're as delusional as the married men they get involved with.
Antonia,
You are so right. I think his ability to stay away and out of contact with me does have to do with what he feels about himself.
You know, reading all the MLC stuff, I believe the big thing that is missing with my H is that he had a great childhood. No abuse or horrible tragedies like I had as a child. His parents are still married, mine divorced when I was young. I was sexually abuse for 10 years by my stepfather. All I can see as H's childhood issues is that his brother was and still is a very talented musician. He plays by ear and has been in bands since he was in high school. H has said in the past he felt he was not good enough for his parents because he was never able to be as good as his brother. I can see this, even in how they the treat our D vs. our nephews. Though, they love all of us there is a difference in the treatment that we as parents have seen. Maybe this was his trigger over the past couple of years for H.
H's brother has done nothing but make bad choices for the past 10 years. He got addicted to drugs and his wife divorced him, he is a mess. Maybe H has decided to go this route too in order to see if his parents will accept him more like his brother. It is crazy! His parents have been so proud of him and has always treated me like the daughter they never had.
Okay, just started rambling there! Thanks for all the support. H is coming to spend the weekend here today so he can spend time with D while his parents are remodeling their living room. I am a little anxious, but I have some things planned to keep me busy, and I was offered a free ticket from a friend to go see Darius Rucker and Brad Paisley tomorrow night. I am excited about that and it will be fun!!
I am not looking for anything from H other than him being a dad. No expectations about this weekend at all!
God is in control! God Bless everyone!
I was offered a free ticket from a friend to go see Darius Rucker and Brad Paisley tomorrow night. I am excited about that and it will be fun!!
Have a great time Lorie!!!!
H has been here this evening and things seem to be going okay. I definitely like not having expectations. D16 doesn't want to do too much with him, so we are just hanging out and watching TV. I let H pick the shows since mine were reruns. I will probably be going to bed soon though, I am one tired puppy and I need my rest for the concert tomorrow night.
Blessings to all!
I hope everyone had a great weekend. The concert was AWESOME!!! I had so much fun. Having H around was not so bad, I stayed with no expectations and things went smooth. He even hugged me and called me Dear. Now I probably won't hear much from him this week, but that is okay. I am still praying for him and just taking care of me. I know I am still struggling with my detachment issues, but I felt that I did really well while he was here and was not even depressed when he left today. God Bless you all!!
Lorie -
LOVE Darius as well! Have seen him in Louisville a couple of times! Glad you were able to keep your expectations low.
My H has ABSOLUTELY nothing to do with me! It's hard to read these posts about people who's Hs have some interaction. Mine walks around as if he is king of the world!
IB
Glad you had a great time Lori!
IB I am sorry that you H walks around like he is the king of the world. We all know that he isn't. I really do not have much interaction with my H, only about D16. I think not having expectations from H is really hard sometimes, but I believe praying about it has helped me.
Thanks Punkin for checking in on my, it was a great time. Now on to the boring week ahead, looking for a job. I do have an interview today!
Blessings to all!
Like I have said before I do alot of reading of other people's sitches. While reading them, I have come to a conclusion about our WAS's or MLCers and that is, they are not choosing the OP over us, they are choosing themselves. I have seen many times people be upset because their spouse chose the OP. Let me tell you, they are choosing themselves over everyone, including the OP. Eventually, the OP will see this, and they will decide whether our spouse is worth the selfishness or not. But, we are good people, we would not be here if we weren't, we would not want to reconcile with our spouse. We would have not want to work on ourselves. We are the better people and will always be the better people until our spouses choose the take the high road and do what is right, not what is easy or better for them. Trust in God and know that he doesn't make junk, he has made you a special and loving person. He made your spouse that way too, but the difference it that your spouse is choosing the easy route and you are not. God be with you all!! He is good and loving and me made you!
Journaling--
Today has been a blah day for me. I didn't foresee and plan accordingly that today would be 3 months since H left. I am sad and miss my H very much. I have struggled with a gut instinct all day. Yesterday I was trying to arrange a time for H to see D16 between her play rehearsals, and suggested Thur since she doesn't have rehearsal and H said he has something going on Thur and Fri both. I didn't ask what and just let it go. I just suggested he should check D16 on what they can arrange. Today. I have had the gut instinct H is moving OW down to his current city (10mins away from mine). She lives 40 mins away. I just feel they have found a place and are going to move in together now. UGH!! My D16 will freak! I don't see it as a bad thing. I think he will really start to see the grass is NOT greener on the other side. I don't know. I am trying to stay focused on the Lord and kick this devil out of my gut. I have NO control over this and I need to let it go.
Blessings!
Oh Lorie, I feel for you. I can just imagine how that feels! Gut instincts are tough for sure. Hugs to you and praying for a better day for you tomorrow.
Lorie -
Sorry bout the low day. I wonder if it might help you detach better if you didn't make the visitation arrangements but your D took care of it. My S was 16 when H left and at first I tried to take care of it but realized that any contact was just too darn painful. Brooklyn and all also advised that I was not responsible for H's relationship with S. So it would make sense that you are not responsible as well.
Lorie take care of yourself during this time. You deserve a life with someone who values and respect you above all others.
IB
Lorie could you please make a new thread?
The board apparently runs smoother when the threads run below 100 posts.
My new thread:
The Rollercoaster Ride...2 Blessings!