D & I went to church today, despite my strong urge to stay home in jammies all day. It turned out to be a great sermon starting off the lent season, and well worth dragging ourselves out of the house for. Wish I could recite the whole thing, it was really special.
In the sermon she used planting bulbs as a metaphor. She described it as an act of faith, as a prayer. She compared it to making a call to someone who doesn’t deserve it. She also said we should live today like it is worth hoping for tomorrow.
I am realizing that my task is to ‘plant the bulbs’ of my future. I don’t know what they will grow into or how long it will take, but if I plant and care for them it will be something beautiful. Even if right now it seems like such a hopeless undertaking. All I really need to do is live a life I am proud of, while letting go of the outcome.
Just before church, I had called H so D could tell him good morning. I remember wondering if it was a good DB move or not, then deciding it is just the right thing to do. Even if he didn’t care, my D did. It made her happy and she went strait to Sunday school with no fuss, whereas the last few weeks she didn’t want to leave my side.
It is ok to hope for his return, even while letting go of all attempts to force it to happen.
It is ok to hope for things to go one way while still preparing myself for what will happen if my life follows a different path.
It is ok to love my H and still move on with my life.
I have begun to live my life as if he is not coming home. It was recommended many times before and I was not ready. I am still finding my way and I am only beginning to learn to do this from a place of love instead of anger.
Hope for zen, I thought of a quote I just read yesterday when I read your post above about the bulb metaphor and thought you might like it:
"And the day came when the risk it took to remain tightly closed in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to bloom." --Anais Nin
Glad to hear that you are in a place of love rather than anger and best of luck to you; we are very much in the same place right now.
Thanks Antonia, I like that.
H called early to let me know his schedule and ask if it is ok for him to take D for 3 nights in a row this week. He thinks this will be his schedule for a few weeks too.
I took a deep breath and said ok. H asked if I wanted to come over for dinner Tuesday night and I said that would be great. I was a bit hesitant sounding when he first asked for 3 days at once (despite my best efforts to stay calm) and maybe that was why he invited me.
He has had her this many night in a week before, just not all together, so it will be different. This may be easier on D to not be in a different place every night. This is a change for her schedule. Not bad, just new. Will have to see how well she adjusts.
I'm anxious about OW contact with D because it is more daytime hours with her daddy. I will have to monitor her behavior to see how she does anyway.
Other than that, it is just a bit of an adjustment for me. I do get to see her Tuesday, so not really bad. This also means I only lose daycare days and H won't be cutting into my weekend time with her.
Long term this may be a good schedule, though I doubt it will last through the restaurant opening. Better use this time to finish some holiday to-dos so I can enjoy my time when she gets back!
Hey Zen, you sound great. It is nice to hear we are moving in the same direction in our sitches.
Just wondering, would it be a 180 for you if something came up and you weren't able to make it for dinner? I know, not easy to do...
Yes, it might be a good 180 for my H, but I won't cancel on my D. She is already expecting me to be there on night "number two.'
With her,
all appointments, even pick ups from day care are sacred in my book. It has been a big part of building safety and predictability for her. H doesn't do this as well, and I think it is one reason she asks for me so much when she is with him.
A three year old who had one parent walk out fully expects the other one to leave too. In their mind, the loss of both parents means there will be no one to feed and care for them. Pretty scarry stuff, and not an exaguration.
Right now it is all about letting her know she can trust me to be there when I say I will. The DBing has taken a backseat to just being a mom. For now, he is a big boy who doesn't want my help. D is a little girl who needs a lot of help to get through this.
Maybe I should consider this DBing for future generations?
Journaling:
I am settling in to the idea of being a single mom. I have more time for myself, and since H helps with D way more now than when he was home, I get to focus on enjoying my time with my D when she is here.
I do want to find a way to spend more time at home with my girl, but that will be a long term project. My approach to custody is going to be that I want to be the parent with the most time available to care for her. My H exposing D to OW knocked him off his pedestal and I am not happy about some of the things he is ‘teaching’ her while playing out his MLC fantasies either.
H called to see about picking up the stroller to take D on a run in the morning. Hope OW is not going running too, but I am resisting the urge to check those phone records again.
H also wanted to know if I knew where I wanted to go for dinner tomorrow. That surprised me because I had assumed the invite was to the weekly family dinner at his parent’s house.
Guess not.
That is ok. He has said before that being around me and his family at the same time is ‘uncomfortable.’ He has also said that he is tired of being around his parents. I do think he is still trying to separate me from the rest of the family too though. Just curious, but does anyone know, if ‘uncomfortable’ is MLC lingo for ‘extreme guilt and shame?’ Hmmmm…
I thought about it for a while after he called, and decided to treat dinner tomorrow as a ‘DBing date.’ I will dress a little extra nice. I will allow myself to have no expectations. I will be relaxed and maintain a good PMA. This has had good results in the past. I’m not expecting anything, but I might as well plant a few seeds for the future while I am around him anyway.
Almost forgot, emailed this morning to tell H I had ordered an extra insurance card for D for him to keep with him and had stuck it in her day care bag. Let him know we are going to put up the tree this weekend and told him he is welcome to come if he wants to and has time. No mention of it on the call. The tree will go up with or without him though, and it will be fabulous!
Hope, great attitude on putting the tree up. I am doing the same, and what do you know? W wants to come over and help. First time ever.
I think you're spot on with the complaints of being "uncomfortable". I just returned from Thanksgiving at the ILs which almost didn't happen because she is "uncomfortable" there. I am very fortunate to have a good relationship with ILs. W even attempted to sell the idea of OM to her brother. I don't think anyone was buying. ILs have been very respectful of our sitch, but have also been very supportive of me.
This sort of creates a problem though because the only person approving of OM is OM, and one slutty friend. So she circled the wagons around the three of them. Her loss, because I am finding new friends now that I'm not weighed down by her negativity.
Hope the dinner goes well.
We will see if H comes by or not. I'm not sure if I will mention it today. May just hold off and 'check' on Friday. D will probably ask about the decorating though, so maybe I won't have to ask again. She is so excited about Christmas this year.
My IL's have been great too. He has put them in such a difficult spot. On Thanksgiving BIL made a toast to how the family had faced challenges that they hadn't had to face before, but that he was so thankful that we were still together as a family. The kids wanted everyone to go arround and say what they were thankful for. I was trying too hard not to cry, and so was grandma. H just looked incredibly uncomfortable. SIL let us all off the hook before we exploded though. lol
I am thankful for still having my family. It so easily could have gone a different way, and almost did. It took some work on my part, and was reciprocated by them, but now we are getting comfortable with each other again. H just pulls back more and more though.
I still suspect there is an OW element to H's holiday plans. Trying not to dwell on what that is. Its a waste of time and energy.
Journaling again:
I have been thinking a lot about boundaries. I think one has come to me, but its not easy to define. If I don't set this boundary I won't be able to make it through this. It is simple, no dramatic action required, but a big shift in how I think.
I am not responsible for my H’s thoughts, feelings, or actions.
Seriously, I know this isn't rocket science. I already know this too. But I don't KNOW it. I think my biggest blunder when H & I got back together after our first separation was to feel like I had caused him to NEED to run away, have an affair (or 3), and behave like an a**.
But I didn't cause it.
Not then, and not now.
Yes, I could have done things different or been a little bit better wife or just paid more attention to him. Maybe insisted he see a doctor when he started to sink into his depression.
But all of this is about him.
Not me.
Really.
I grew up in a house where no one really argued. My dad yelled. My mom was frequently on the verge of a breakdown. But no arguing. Not directly anyway. I learned from birth to read minds, monitor moods and body language, and walk on eggshells. I have always been an abused spouse waiting to happen. I always felt responsible for keeping other people happy. I still do, even though I know I shouldn’t.
I have to stop that. For good.
Zen,
You learning well, grasshopper. I understand completely when you say that you know it, but you don't KNOW it. That's the part where we do the most damage to ourselves. Trying to think what WE did to cause THEIR craziness. Damn we are good. Control the world, without even knowing.
All my mind reading went into being married to an alcoholic. Feel the air and the mood before speaking. That sort of thing.
And yes, you have to stop that.
BYW, I admire your quote from Winston Churchill. There is so much truth in that.
Have a good day Zen.
Ahh, here i am less than 24 hours from my last post, and guess what! I feel responsible for how my H feels! Again!
This is so annoying. At least I see myself doing it this time.
Have dinner with D & H tonight to break up her 1st 3-day daddy marathon. Coincidentally got an emailed $30 gift certificate to Benihana's for their b-day club. Thought it might be fun, and we hadn't decided what to do for dinner, so I asked H what he thought.
His original idea was McDonnald's, but he said sure. Then he starts going on about what a hard day D has had. I ask if he is sure, because I don't want to make this a difficult night, McD's if ok, really. We go back and forth, just getting frustrated with each other. D starts fussing, H is getting short with both of us, we hang up so he can untangle D from the computer cords.
I pace for a bit and decide to call H back. Tell him really, lets do McD's because I just want tonight to be easy, not a big production. He says (sounding much calmer) no, Benihana's will be fine. We will meet at 6.
I have been repeating my new mantra ever since:
I am not responsible for my H’s thoughts, feelings, or actions.
I am not responsible for my H’s thoughts, feelings, or actions.
I am not responsible for my H’s thoughts, feelings, or actions.
Anyway, I’m gonna’ DB, act as if, and all that. I am going to do my best to make tonight to be fun and easy. I just want to be with my girl and have fun.
Wish me luck!
I successfully relaxed before I got there and let go of trying to make H happy. I survived dinner, and even feel pretty good about it.
I got to see my girl. She did great btw. D was amazed by the cooking display and we all had a good time. She was sleepy, apparently had fallen asleep briefly on the way over. She did ask to go home with me a few times, but I went over the schedule with her and she did ok. My girl did NOT cry when we went to our separate cars.
H is coming on Sunday to put up the tree with us. I told him he was welcome to join us with putting up the tree this weekend. He said he didn’t think I would want him around. I told him we would love it if he came, but knew he didn’t like the holidays and didn’t want to force him to do anything he didn’t want to.
He said he could be over from 12-3 and would like to help.
He also wants to go shopping with us at some point. Got a gift card offer and asked if there was anything he needed. Not really sure if I invited him or the other way around. The day isn’t set though, so its only a maybe.
There were some good things that came out of tonight. Nothing to get excited about, but good. I’m not expecting anything either. Just want to do what I can for me and my girl. H is his own problem. Hope he gets himself figured out someday.
The trick with seeing H more again will be not to pursue. Still want distance, so I guess if I don’t feel like I want to chase maybe I will do ok.
Zen -
Sounds like a very good interaction. Focus as much as you can on D and anything other than H. I really believe that giving him space and as little attention as possible for ALL of you! JMO!
IB
what Irish said...leave him alone and focus ONLY on D....
Your h is pretty much in such a patterned script, and it's just not a healthy one. So, detach as much as possible from him. He's not in a good place and he's trying so hard to drag you back into his vortex whenever he has doubts, which will be OFTEN. Don't go there. Just be a working mom for now. Really, isn't that enough for now?
You are NOT responsible for his feelings/actions or thoughts. (Say it out loud to yourself a dozen times before you see him. Seriously).
YOU, & ONLY YOU, ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR HAPPINESS & YOUR LIFE. TAKE CHARGE OF IT...and show your girl that she's in charge of hers. Don't let anyone else interfere in your life. Set that boundary and keep it. And as you know, please, do not pursue him.
If he changes dramatically AND wants back into the marriage, he'll let you know. Nothing less than total clarity & commitment from him is what you'd need to even think of a reconciliation, so why even bother reading into any of his other behaviors? Life is short....so short. D3 will grow fast. Let her see you in a process of growth towards zestful living.
Don't let her grow up believing that someone else can determine whether she'll have a good day, or that someone else's mood or failures will determine HERS...b/c they should not. How do you do this? You do this by modelling it for her.
Sending positives your way for the coming month.
(( ))
Hi Zen,
What an awesome post you put on Cat4554's thread! I am really
stunned when I see the women here post the way you do. I see how
long you have been going through your sitch and really see a woman
who is moving in a great direction for herself. I have been
reading some of your thread and I think you are doing really
well in your understanding of this IMHO. It is amazing the
strength the LBS has to have when they see what is happening
in their families and the steps they have to take for the
sanity of themselves and their kids. As horrible as our
situations are, it is great to be the LBS. I can't imagine
being the MLC'r and thank God that WE get the LBS part of the
journey.
WS
As horrible as our situations are, it is great to be the LBS. I can't imagine being the MLC'r and thank God that WE get the LBS part of the journey.WS
That is a new perspective I haven't heard before... but you are absolutely right. I never thought about it like that. It is true, I wouldn't want to be in my H's position.
Hi Zen! You seemed to do really well last night. Your growth is obvious in your posts. Thinking of you...
Focus as much as you can on D and anything other than H. I really believe that giving him space and as little attention as possible for ALL of you!
what Irish said...leave him alone and focus ONLY on D....
I think you are both right. I am walking a thin line by opening up more opportunities for H to be around me and D. I really don’t want to shut him out of our holiday celebrations, but I am not sure I am ready to see more of him. I see definite benefits for D to having him there, and right now the only contact I want with him is if it benefits and involves D.
Your h is pretty much in such a patterned script, and it's just not a healthy one. So, detach as much as possible from him. He's not in a good place and he's trying so hard to drag you back into his vortex whenever he has doubts, which will be OFTEN. Don't go there. Just be a working mom for now. Really, isn't that enough for now?
I do see him trying to pull me back. Right now my focus is on D when I see or call him. I don’t know how he feels about that, but that is just how it is right now. I can’t and won’t ‘give’ him more of myself right now.
You are NOT responsible for his feelings/actions or thoughts. (Say it out loud to yourself a dozen times before you see him. Seriously.)
I repeated this to myself the whole drive to the restaurant last night. I’ll be saying it all morning on Sunday too.
YOU, & ONLY YOU, ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR HAPPINESS & YOUR LIFE. TAKE CHARGE OF IT...and show your girl that she's in charge of hers.
Don't let her grow up believing that someone else can determine whether she'll have a good day, or that someone else's mood or failures will determine HERS...b/c they should not. How do you do this? You do this by modeling it for her.
This here^^^ is what I am REALLY struggling with. How to be a good role model for my D… How to set boundaries that protect her…
Right now the biggest problem I have is my D’s exposure to OW. I am not ok with this, and I fear D is around her more and more. That may not be true; it may only be that I am now hearing about past and present contacts. She may have been exposed this much before and I was unaware of it then (or unwilling to see it).
Now that I have some idea of what has been going on, I can see it in her behavior. At least that is what I think I see. I could be projecting things onto her that I am feeling myself.
Part of this seems related to my new boundary. If I am not responsible for his feelings/actions/thoughts, then worrying about what he will do if I tell him I don’t want D around anyone he is interested in – that is just more mind-reading and trying to anticipate his actions.
If I am truly letting go and being responsible for my own actions, I think I need to say something. As far as if or when H may someday want to come home, that has fallen to the bottom of my list of priorities.
Now I just have to figure out what to say…
I have a lot to work through on this. I plan on talking about it at my IC appt today too.
Also, I wrote a long post to cat, but it was also about things I am realizing about my own sitch. Here is a link, just to make a note:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2110536&#Post2110536
Thanks for the encouragment, E & WS. I took forever writing that last post & just saw you had posted too.
I do think being the LBS is a healthier journey too. Still wish this wasn't happening, but have to make the best of the sitch I find myself in.
Best of luck (to all of us) on this crazy journey!
Went to my IC and have been trying to use my afternoon off to get a few things done.
I have a checking account now that H is not on. Still have a joint, but won’t be depositing my paycheck there anymore.
Left a message for my L to call me, just to be sure me not filing for D before H gets around to it won't negatively affect me or D3, again just in case.
Paperwork, paperwork, blah, blah, blah…
Still wrestling with OW/D3 issues. Think I need to get some rest tonight and let myself really sit with this, but I feel closer to knowing what I need to do.
I will say this, if the topic comes up in any way I won’t avoid it. I’m done trying to ‘save’ my marriage. That is not the same to me as wanting a divorce, but just letting go of the idea that I can save it. I can’t. All I can do is be open to the possibility of reconciliation. No more waiting though.
Like you said 25:
If he changes dramatically AND wants back into the marriage, he'll let you know. Nothing less than total clarity & commitment from him is what you'd need to even think of reconciliation, so why even bother reading into any of his other behaviors? Life is short....so short. D3 will grow fast. Let her see you in a process of growth towards zestful living.
I will do my best, 25. Both for me, and for my sweet little girl.
Looking at a few picture last night. Some recent ones of my H recently & some from before OW & bomb came into his life. Really hit be how different he looks. These photos are less than a year apart.
then:
easy smile, happy, relaxed, younger looking
now:
cold, hard, angry, stiff, looks years older
This really isn't the same man is it?
Hi Zen,
What an awesome post you put on Cat4554's thread! I am really
stunned when I see the women here post the way you do. I see how
long you have been going through your sitch and really see a woman
who is moving in a great direction for herself. I have been
reading some of your thread and I think you are doing really
well in your understanding of this IMHO. It is amazing the
strength the LBS has to have when they see what is happening
in their families and the steps they have to take for the
sanity of themselves and their kids. As horrible as our
situations are, it is great to be the LBS. I can't imagine
being the MLC'r and thank God that WE get the LBS part of the
journey.
WS
DITTO!!!! Your words helped me Zen....just keep rereading what you wrote to me. It is hard. God I thought this nightmare was going to be all over. I feel blessed that I have a job I love.
Going to work actually makes me HAPPY !!! Plus I joined the YMCA and started working out. A lot of free time on my hands wasn't good for me. Heck, my shape isn't bad for a 56 year old but now it will only get better. Please focus on you and your daughter but you first, then it will follow naturally for your daughter.
Just keep rereading what you wrote to me....we can all do this.
Thanks Cat.
Sounds like you have some great things going on to take care of yourself. It took me a while, but I have been able to take care of myself. The people on this board have helped me a great deal. Keep coming here to post. It can be a lifesaver.
Right now I'm chompin' at the bit to go pick up my girl from daycare. Its her first day back after 3 days with daddy. Cant's wait to get her back with me.
Your D is sooo young, huh. This must REALLY be tough on you and her. My sons are adults, 27 & 23. I feel lucky that this nightmare is happening now vs. when they were so young. Wish I knew the words to comfort you ZEN. I sure hope you have family & friends as your support group, my friends were THE BEST. I treated them all to dinner on their birthdays to say THANK YOU.
You seem like a wise person who needs to follow her own advice.
I know that is easier said than done.
I am getting more & more convinced that my husband has a mental problem that only got worse as he hit his 50's. He always was a Jerkyll / Hyde with me and only me.
Thanks, and yes, it is way easier said than done. Right now I'm really happy to see less of my H. Catch is that my D needs contact with both of us. I'm doing better at being emotionally detached, but its still kind of new.
I wish my girl was big like your 2 boys. At least my H is trying with her.
Watching James and the Giant Peach while eating dinner. Tonight, I am a verry happy mommy.
Had a lovely time with my girl tonight. I’m so happy to have her home! If her behavior tonight was any indicator, the lumped together time may be the way to go for her. Doubt her daddy will be able to keep up 3 in a row after the restaurant opens, but for now it is ok.
H was pretty consistent about having D call me. Tonight he even called early for his bedtime call to D because he was on a break. Usually he seems to make it a point to tell me he has to go quickly because he is so busy. He spent most of his call talking to me this time though.
Has the same schedule next week, and asked to do dinner again like last time. That surprised me, but it did work well for D. I will assume that is why he wants to have dinner together, not that he wants to see me.
H is also insisting on buying me an iPhone. I had given in a while back, but he had forgotten. That was fine, but my phone is about to go out. Mentioned I was just going to get a free one from the phone plan, and H asked if it would be ok if he could get a good deal. I said ok, but only if it was a cheap refurbished one. Tonight he tells me he is getting one at a discount and will be using his tip money to do it.
Using his tip money is new. Not sure what to make of it.
Whatever is going on with my H, I’m ok. I’m getting what I want most right now, and that is more contact with my D.
Hi Zen
Wow! An iphone.....nice!!! Lucky you
Going out with some friends to dinner tonight, so H is taking S overnight for the first time in months.
I can't figure out if he feels like he doesnt deserve to have S with him, or if he doesnt want S overnight...but it sure is strange, and only because I needed him too.
He seems to be happy about it, and keeps txting in big capital letters 'ITS NO ISSUE WHATSOEVER'...still can't figure out why it has to be in capital letters.
Anyway...soooo can't wait to have some dinner out!!
Hope u have a great day Zen!!
Hey, Pie! Hope you had a great night out!
As far as your H seeming happy to keep S overnight and texting you all caps 'ITS NO ISSUE WHATSOEVER,' he probably is happy to have S. Do you think he thinks you don't think he can handle it? Could be him just projecting his own worries on to you, but its a thought.
My H blamed me for thinking he was incompetent, but that wasn't the case. He never seemed to WANT D, so I just did things myself. Why force someone else to do what I like doing?
Anyway, I really had to get the ball rolling with him taking D for overnights and step back. With the exception of OW exposure (yuck!) he reall has done great. This had been good for my D3 too. Their relationship is strong now, and I am happy about that.
Don't know if that would apply to your sitch, but thought I'd throw it out there.
As far as that iPhone, it is cool. Probably more guilt motivated than anything else, but him insisting on using his tip money seemes odd to me. He had my ok to use the joint account, so I'm not sure what he is up to. He has some big intimacy issues, and buying things is one way he likes to try to connect.
Probably will restate that it is ok for him to use the account for the phone, but will drop it if he wants to do things this way. Just surprises me since he is only earning tip money, no paychecks at all anymore.
Just got a quick minute to journal. Have my girl home again. She is doing great, and I'm in a good place for now.
Maybe it is the new schedule being all lumped together, but she is more calm tonight and was last night too. Hopefully we can keep the lumped together days going for her. Even aranging more dinner visits if needed would be fine.
I think maybe a lot of my confusion and anger have been my frustion about my D beming so sad and nothing I could do about it.
Anyway, going to try to catch up on a few threads before I crash. Have all day holidaying scheduled tomorrow!
BTW, put up Christmas lights on our front porch with D tonight. First time either of us had Christmas lights on our house.
2 whole strings too! I'm so proud of us.
Up most of the night with a sick little girl. By noon she was feling better and I had decided it was nothing serious. Just an upset tummy from her runny nose. We went to play with her best friend and now she is napping. If she is still feeling good with no fever we will go to the holiday parade down the street tonight.
H called to check time for tree decorating tomorrow. Sounded excited too. Wants to go shopping and do dinner next week all 3 of us together.
On a different note - my girl's daycare director made a comment on Friday when I was talking to her about our holiday plans over the next couple weeks. BTW, I have not told her about OW, just the sitch as it effects my girl. Anyway, she said that if H has someone else, they won't like how close he still is with me and our girl. I think I agree with that too.
Not worried about it for now. I expect H to pull back again soon, but who knows for sure. Trying not to predict his next move. Just concentrating on what helps my girl and me get through this.
BTW, put up Christmas lights on our front porch with D tonight. First time either of us had Christmas lights on our house.
2 whole strings too! I'm so proud of us.
This is awesome Zen. Doesn't it feel good to see that when you come home? You have inspired me... I will do the same for my apartment. You're H is sure to notice.
BTW, those are some nice positive signs from your H. Way to keep yourself prepared for the pullback... this pattern is so frustrating!
Hi Zen,
I hope the Christmas decorating is going well today. Thinking about you!
Thanks E!
H came over for the tree trimming and everything went well. I didn't persue, just decorated. He got here a little early and had lunch ready. That was nice. D3 was crazy-silly, but I think she was just tired and excited that daddy was over. Put up the tree, played 2 rounds of memory. Did a bit of online holiday shopping. Made plans for all of us to have dinner & finish the shopping Tuesday. Told him I would let him know what other holiday plans we make and he could join us if he wanted.
All said and done, everything seemed good to me. If this is how things go on, I am ok. D got her daddy. We were relaxed and comfortable (well, I was at least). It may not be what I would have chosen for any of us, but its ok. I think we are all prety lucky that things are this civil. Hopefully we can keep it up for our for our girl too.
Not really sure if it counts as a bounary, but I did ask H to please put away the camping stuff he left in the garage. He said he would, he had just forgotten about it. No big talk came out of it, but I still feel good about asking him to take care of that himself.
Regardless of OW's involvment in that trip, I felt it was thoughtless of him to leave a big pile of stuff laying in the garage. He has a tendancy to just drop things off at the house. Not sure if he expects me to clean up after him or if he thinks elves come and do it.
I'm not his mom and this isn't his house any more either. I won't be cleaning up after him, especially considering it may be his way of telling me about OW. I’m done with these passive-aggressive guessing games. If he is ready to tell me, so be it. He can use his words like a big boy though.
D3 spiked a fever yesterday evening and was up half the night, so I let her sleep in and called in late to work. H said last night that he should be able to get off work early and take her the second half of the day. I sent him a text, but he won't be up for a while yet. Think I'm not going to send her to daycare today.
Anyway, I at least get a nice slow morning to enjoy my coffee.
Mornin Zen,
LOVE those easy mornings enjoying the coffee! Hope you H comes through for you this afternoon, and hope your D gets to feeling better real soon.
Journaling again…
Ended up with a nice morning with D then went to work for just a 1/2 day. I did take a much happier D to day care for just a couple of hours – but only after updating the director on my girl being sick and getting her ok. H did get off early to get D, but couldn’t get there before I needed to get in to work.
H continues the increased chattiness and phone calls. No snappy or irritated behavior either. H seems to genuinely appreciate my opening up our plans for the holiday to him. I have applied no pressure and have no expectations for his involvement though. I have been surprised by how much H seems to want to do together.
I do expect pullback at some point, and probably soon. Just a ‘feeling’ but I still think OW would be up for sainthood if she’s not jealous of the time H spends with me and D too. Since she is sleeping with a married man though, I doubt she is really that selfless and understanding. It’s just a ‘feeling’ though.
Despite the increased contact, I have pulled back lately. I only email or text about D. When it is time for D to tell daddy goodnight, I put her on speaker phone right away. I don’t call to talk to him at all any more. If I have a schedule question I email or text. H on the other hand is calling about this stuff more and more.
I am keeping my distance physically. I don’t seek physical contact right now. I also don’t invite H to come over in the evening either. I know I’m not prepared for any more intimate encounters right now.
I don’t ask for help with anything around the house. I also don’t let him know what I am doing unless it involves our girl. I don’t ask or even inform him when I rearrange something in my home any more either.
I don’t ask questions or make comments about what he does. When his change of address confirmation came here, I just put it on the counter for him to find.
I try not to follow up when he tells me he wants to do something. I had (and still have) my own holiday gift plan, just in case H forgot about him wanting to do gifts together. The iPhone too... If my phone completely breaks I will just go to the shop that day and get the free one on my plan. No stress.
I am asking for things I want, but skipping any explanation when possible. Nothing big, just stuff like him cleaning up after his camping trip and giving me more notice about scheduling with D3.
I am continuing my goal of a ‘safe’ home for my daughter, myself, and even for my H when he comes around. D is doing much better with this new schedule too. She is less anxious and sad. It makes me happy to see her impish smile coming back out again. I missed that. Her doing better lets me relax when she is with her daddy more too.
I think my task right now is to take a good hard look at both myself and the man I married. I am looking for what was missing, broken, and dysfunctional. I am looking to find what I need to heal in myself.
Lots of work to do. Lots of work.
Zen,
You sound great. IMHO, sounds like you are doing exactly what you need to be doing. That was my approach almost to a tee. What that plan ^^^^ allows you to do is focus on YOU and D. H becomes a very minor factor. It helps your mentality and it helps you continue to be the best YOU can be. My H would call and text me about random stuff just like yours. It seems they need to keep that tether. Stick to your guns like you are. You sound great!
Thanks Alb, I'll do my best. Its nice to follow your post right now too. The place you are in your R seems so far away right now, but I am glad you have made it to the point you are. Gives me hope, but I am verry far from there right now.
Woke up tonight crying. Think my brain kept dreaming on the problems I am wrestling with. I have been looking back lately at my R with H over the last year and how different it got from better times. Not ready to post all of it yet. It hurts too much right now. Especially the part about how I refused to see how he was hurting me.
My IC a couple of weeks ago asked why I didn't want to see that my H was abusing me right now. He had crossed the line at some point, and that abuse can't be tollerated in a healthy R. I knew that he was right, but didn't know why I kept excusing his behavior.
Right now, I think I have been afraid of admitting how much he has been hurting me over the past year because I want so bad to hold on to when he did treat me with love. I want to think that he loves(d) me. That the person I love was still in there somewhere and is still worth loving.
But... these are seperate people, all wraped up in one face. One of them loved and cherrished me. The other one just keeps hurting me, like he is trying to punnish me. If I don't seperate these two people in how I act with them I will continue to be hurt. My 'new' H needs new bounderies. I can't keep pretending that the man I see now is the man who used to be there.
Breaks my heart and I just don't understand why. Guets the why doesn't matter, just what I do about it.
Right now I need to be as dark as I can be with my H. I have to keep up contact for my daughter, so those walls are going up arround my heart. I can't let him keep hurting me. Have to keep building those walls till I can learn to protect myself.
Don't know if any of that made sense, just needed to get it out. I'm going to try to go back to sleep now.
Zen,
I know I was in that very spot several months ago. Kept wanting to see the 'old' H instead of the new, not so improved version.
I believe it was put in Brooklyn's thread as 'seeing with your heart, not your eyes' That is very true of most of us. Some of us reach a point in this journey where we are able to open our eyes, and detach. Some take longer than others.
For me, being dark was always the best. It allowed me to detach, GAL, and have some pretense of peace. And everything you said made perfect sense to me. This time of year isn't going to make anything easier for any of us, is it?
Hope you got back to sleep and got some rest. ((HUGS))
Thanks for the hugs Punkin. Very appreciated.
I think you are right; there are many of us who were hurt by seeing people only with our heart. We looked past their faults to see the good in them. I think there is something right in seeing someone this way though. Maybe the trick going forward will be to see with both heart and eyes.
I was able to get a little sleep after getting everything out in my post. This is not an easy place to be, but it feels good to be coming to terms with these things. It feels honest, almost cleansing.
H sent me a text last night after I was asleep. Just telling me D was still up coughing and he was waiting for the Benadryl he had given her earlier to wear off before trying the cough suppressant. Earlier, at her goodnight call, he also helped D tell me about getting to roast marshmallows in her grandparent’s fireplace.
It is more contact than before I started to detach, but I think these are just more of my H’s timid attempts to connect. I think he just wants to see if I’m there. Not long ago I would have gotten my hopes up and reached out to him. Right now I just appreciate the information about my girl when she is away and share in my daughter’s joys. I stay polite and friendly, but that is all I have for him now.
I had lots of texts and a couple phone calls today from H. All about D3’s cold and scheduling for the holidays. Just practical stuff. Still going to do dinner and shopping tonight.
Kind of surprised, but H asked if it was ok to do Christmas Eve and Christmas morning with us. Figured he would only show up once, not twice. He didn’t say where he would be that night, and I didn’t ask. He asked a couple times if it was ‘ok with me’ and told me twice that he wanted me to have a good Christmas.
(sigh…)
His comment about me having a ‘good Christmas’ got me thinkin’ though. Since his MLC has been going on, when H wants me to have a ‘good day’ for some special occasion, I get hit by another bomb. He was even trying to buy me and D plane ticket to Michigan so I could see my family. Oh, then there is the iPhone he keeps wanting to get me.
Lets see… his track record of giving me ‘good days’ to salve his guilt about planning on doing something rotten include:
mother’s day… probably his first date with OW
my 2 trips to Michigan for my sister’s graduation and to take care of my dad… ILYBNILWY
my birthday… lets me know he plans to go ahead and file divorce papers
Wonder if this bomb will involve the OW or if he got around to filing the divorce papers? Maybe both? I know! Maybe he will serve the divorce papers as he tells me he is getting a place with OW all at once! Then again, maybe he will spread it out since I didn’t let him buy those plane tickets.
Anyone else find their MLCer to be super nice before they drop a big ‘ol pile of sh** in your lap? Am I getting too cynical?
(sigh…)
mine just gets withdrawn and moody...
I have experienced the niceness before the bomb too...
Still hanging around following your stich. So sorry about the sleep last night. That is an awful feeling and often hangs with you for the day.
I have no nice or kind. Just hateful or nothing. Like the very sight of me brings out the worst in him.
Today was more cold from my H than I have seen lately. I wasn't DBing at my best either, and D3 was tired too. Made a few comments that I don't know if H caught, but I was bordering on snappy. Tried to just keep my mouth shut when I relized I was wanting to hurt him. I was getting irritated by him insisting on paying for everything. He said it was for gas money he had been using out of the account. Just wanted to shout that I don't want his money.
Concentrated on D most of the time. Asked H questions about the restaurant since it is a safe neutral topic. Managed an overall nice evening. Holiday shopping is done.
Probably would have canceled if it weren't for D3. Didn't want to see him tonight. He may come over for holiday stuff on the weekend, but at least I'll be on my home turf.
Want him to just go away or come home. Miss my girl. Want her here. So angry and hurt right now. Know it is more in me than how mt H was acting. He takes his cues from me and I was in no mood to be arround him tonight.
Love, hate, love, hate...
Rambling again, just getting it out.
Hi Zen,
Well this is very strange. I thought I was the only one that
noticed this.
The night before bomb drop I had a dinner night out planned for
us so we could be without the kids for a mom and dad night.
(Valentines Weekend)
At the restaurant my W was all smiles and very nice. It was a
great night out. The whole time she knew she was going to bomb
drop me the following morning. Happy Valentines day for me.
That morning the bomb was " I filed, and ILYBNILWY "
I could give more examples but when you get down to it, it really
does not matter the day or time. The MLC existed long before the
bomb. It just became their secret that keeps giving and giving in
a selfish kind of way.
This will be a long haul and is not for the timid. You will stand
until your heart says this is too unfair. Only you will be able
to make that call. How long is long for you? That becomes the
question and right now I doubt you are ready to answer that
question. You can't call this a test if you decide to be absent
for it. I am not trying to 2x4 you. I am really not. What I
find interesting is almost everyone that posts here has some
part of their story that fits into mine. If this keeps up we
will have to gather notes and create "MLC for Dummies version 2"
Anyone else find their MLCer to be super nice before they drop a big ‘ol pile of sh** in your lap? Am I getting too cynical?
(sigh…)
If this wasn't happening to you and others, I would feel cheated.
SO >>>> I understand how you feel and I would feel the same way.
It is all part of the MLC. It is going to be a long journey.
No shortcuts, they have to go it alone and we have to hope they
do ..... not for us, but for them.
I know that you know this all already. I relearn it every day
I wake up. The newbies that lurk here need to read it too.
Hang in there. If we do our own journeys for ourselves, it
will get better. It can ONLY get better. AND IT WILL.
WS
Thanks WS. I always love hearing your advice. 2x4 noted and needed. I'm struggling not to let my anger and hurt derail me.
I am still reeling, but now that I am home I am planning my climb back up the hill. Always had a better view than down in the slumps.
Took some cold meds and a sleeping pill, just so the meds wouldn't keep me up all night. Going to get some rest and be glad I shut up before I indulged in some attacks on my H. Came close, and I really wanted to hurt him. This morning and then the money struck a nerve. I'll post later what set me off, but bassically I am not in a good place. I am seeing my H as I never let myself see him before.
Battery is low and I was such a mess I left my laptop cord at work. Its ok, I'll be rambling soon if I don't shut down.
Got to add that I hope H makes it through for our D3 also. She deserves to have a stable father. She is sad so much more now. She doesn't deserve to have her family torn apart.
Have decided my Christmas gift to myself is to set up my art area and start painting again. Always was the best therapy I ever had. Art was central to my identity, and I lost it.
Oh my gosh Zen, that is great. Get it out, paint away! What sort of things do you like to paint? What type of painting?
zen,
my h would suddenly do projects that had waited for years OR to mow the lawn and maniacally do yard work the weekends he visited. It was hyper and odd but it kept him busy and he appeared to feel better about himself when he'd do this.
Before that, we had stretched to buy a nicer house than I was comfortable with but HE said he wanted to go for it, (an unusual pattern for us, never happened before or since) and 10 weeks after the purchase, announced he was going "up the road to do a year long fellowship" (300 miles "up the road AND a 90% pay cut)....Rational behavior? Not to me.
I think he felt great about setting us all up in a huge house, and THEN he dropped the bomb. IF there was any logic to it, I think it was to appease his conscience. Whereas I had seen the house as a reassuring commitment to the area and family, naturally. Ooops. I was wrong.
He seems to still resent the house even as we are having it painted and fixed up nicely before the holidays. Work we had promised we'd do 5 years ago..better late than never. I hope!
I will make sure I praise HIM for working to pay for my "general contracting" Since he never witnessed the repairs and stress of what I went thru when we did the internal renovation, all I can do is say "thanks" for working hard to pay for it. In an ideal world, we would pcik these things out together, but hey, do many men like looking at paint chips and outdoor light fixtures??? (IF there's a STRAIGHT dream guy out there who does this stuff, and I'm ever single, I WANT HIM!!)
You're perfectly right to enjoy what he does give you and your D without ANY expectations of more. IPhone? Great. Enjoy meeting your new peeps with it....as long as he can't track it....But sadly, What he has SAID is that he wants a divorce. If he has not retracted that, then that's that. Sorry honey, but that's reality.
And btw, I would not be shocked if he wanted physical intimacy or it comes up sort of naturally, on Christmas Eve, etc...be ready for whatever you feel okay with. It's a VERY personal decision.
No matter what, be ready to show your most pleasant self too b/c if it's your last Christmas as a family, build good memories for HIM and D to reflect on later. Esp him, (since she's so young....) HE'll want to justify his departure and he'll search his memory banks for negative recollections. But the new content zen, will NOT Fuel any negatives...oh no. Only positives and NO ANGER shown to him...nope. You are going to be a serene mother enjoying a Christmas with her growing little girl who's increasingly happy for these experiences. And you too! Santa, presents, it's great!! Enjoy that. Let him see what he'll be missing soon b/c THIS Christmas no doubt, will be the last one you all can act as a happy family, UNLESS HE CHANGES.... this is what he'll be losing. Make the memories good ones so when they resurface, and they will, it'll make him wince. It's only when his discomfort with his loss & where his life is heading, OUTWEIGHS his discomfort with truly changing himself, that you and he have a chance.
You're doing well, Zen, even if it is 2 steps forward and one back...still progress, still growth for you. And it does get better, no matter what.
Have faith.
Oh my gosh Zen, that is great. Get it out, paint away! What sort of things do you like to paint? What type of painting?
Once upon a time I did 'abstract expressionism'. Verry messy, and verry big. Loved it, even had a scholarship to go to a good art college. Passed it up to stay home and help my mom. It was a big part of me, and I miss it.
In an ideal world, we would pick these things out together, but hey, do many men like looking at paint chips and outdoor light fixtures??? (IF there's a STRAIGHT dream guy out there who does this stuff, and I'm ever single, I WANT HIM!!)
LOL! House repairs and renovations were always one of our favorite ‘couple’ activities. Browsing the aisles at Home Depot was a nice way to kill time together. He is straight, but I don’t know when he plans to be single.
You're perfectly right to enjoy what he does give you and your D without ANY expectations of more. IPhone? Great. Enjoy meeting your new peeps with it....as long as he can't track it....
Hadn’t thought of the tracking…
I decided today to let go on the money issues. If he digs himself into a hole of debt, I can’t stop him. He also SHOULD be helping support our daughter. There is a lot to this money issue, much more than I realized before.
But sadly, What he has SAID is that he wants a divorce. If he has not retracted that, then that's that. Sorry honey, but that's reality.
Yeah, he hasn’t retracted. I’ll admit I still have a bit of hope, but I’m not expecting it anymore. He is nowhere near coming out of this.
And btw, I would not be shocked if he wanted physical intimacy or it comes up sort of naturally, on Christmas Eve, etc...be ready for whatever you feel okay with. It's a VERY personal decision.
And that is a decision I am avoiding. I really don’t know what I want as far as intimacy goes, so I am not leaving open any opportunity. H hasn’t asked to stay Christmas night and I haven’t offered. I don’t feel ok with it right now, but that is a whole ‘nother story.
Christmas Eve will be at his sister’s house, not here. He is coming over the next morning to see D open her gifts. I will have my 3 year old chaperone with me at all times.
No matter what, be ready to show your most pleasant self too b/c if it's your last Christmas as a family, build good memories for HIM and D to reflect on later. Esp him, (since she's so young....) HE'll want to justify his departure and he'll search his memory banks for negative recollections. But the new content zen, will NOT Fuel any negatives...oh no. Only positives and NO ANGER shown to him...nope. You are going to be a serene mother enjoying a Christmas with her growing little girl who's increasingly happy for these experiences. And you too! Santa, presents, it's great!! Enjoy that. Let him see what he'll be missing soon b/c THIS Christmas no doubt, will be the last one you all can act as a happy family, UNLESS HE CHANGES.... this is what he'll be losing. Make the memories good ones so when they resurface, and they will, it'll make him wince.
That is EXACTLY what I plan to do. This is the first year ever that I get to say how it goes. Every other year we have been swallowed up in holiday obligations to his family. I love them, but H complained all season (and every season) about the big fuss, and I did all the work. He usually managed to make me cry at least once every year too.
It's only when his discomfort with his loss & where his life is heading, OUTWEIGHS his discomfort with truly changing himself, that you and he have a chance.
Funny thing, but H gets less and less comfortable in the life HE has chosen to live.
But me? I’m getting more comfortable every day in a situation I never wanted.
You're doing well, Zen, even if it is 2 steps forward and one back...still progress, still growth for you. And it does get better, no matter what.
Have faith.
Thanks 25, and it
is getting better. Didn’t get tit down yet, but today was better for me. Much better.
Journaling….
Sooooo much happened the last couple days both within me and with my H in MLC wonderland too. I’m trying to journal it because I feel like I have made some big jumps the last couple of days. Bear with me, ‘cause I have A LOT of stuff to journal. I’ll try to break it up a bit though.
First off, I realized why I got so angry and defensive with my H about him paying for so much on our shopping trip. He wasn’t being totally unreasonable, but it struck a nerve. I didn’t like the caretaking issue it brought back into our R. My H loves to play the sugar daddy. I remember when we were dating it was always a sore spot for me then too.
H likes to pay for everything; it’s his way of ‘taking care’ of people and showing off. I hated when we were dating because I felt like he was trying to make me out to be needy and get me to depend on him. He would sometimes even make little comments about how he ‘had to help me out’ because I couldn’t make it without him.
Back then, I learned only to let him pay for ‘fun’ stuff or to split costs. It was my way of demanding respect from him. It was my way of proving I was independent.
During those early dating years I managed to pay off the debt left by my XH and pay my share of the bills, even after we married. Current H (STBXH #2?) never made any real progress on paying off his own debts, not till years later and after our first separation and reconciliation. At that time we combined accounts and I set up a tracker for us to pay off the debt.
For the most part I had forgotten about his love of spending. When we had a joint account he curbed his spending a lot. Maybe that was because it was our money, not just his. This worked pretty well for a long time. When I became a stay at home mom though, that changed.
It was subtle at first, but it grew. I no longer felt like an equal. A lot of this was my own internal feelings, but I can see now how my H treated me differently too. Running a daycare from my home didn’t seem to change that dynamic, even though I was earning money. I felt better about contributing, but my H didn’t seem to see it as real work. It is one reason that going back to a 9-5 type job after the bomb helped me so much. It also impressed my H that I was able to go to my old job and they basically made a position for me, even though they have a hiring freeze in effect.
Now that he has his own account and credit card, he has gone back to the same behavior. Living on credit, paying for everything… he didn’t skip a beat. The sugar daddy was back.
The problem this creates for me is one of boundaries. It is right and appropriate that H contribute because of our D, and without some sort of child support I will not be able to pay my bills. Even with the minimum amount I am guaranteed to get in a divorce I will be struggling. The danger is that H loves to play the giver, then blames the people he ‘gives’ to when he overdoes it. He also uses this to justify when he ‘takers.’ After all, he ‘deserves it’ because of how much he ‘gave’ before. This is a pattern with him in a lot of areas, not just money.
So here is where I am right now…
On H wanting to pay for daycare, great, no problem there. That is totally 100% caring for our daughter. No conflicts on that or anything like it that may pop up later.
He paid the whole bill on our shopping trip the other day. It included clothes for D, some things for him, gifts for his family and some work clothes for me too. I had expected to split the bill. Nope, there he was with that brand new credit card, ready to go. His justification for paying everything was that he had been using the joint account to buy gas. True, and the gas and money he spent really doesn’t come close to my portion of that receipt, even counting part of the gifts are supposed to be from both of us. Basically I think I did ok. I made him justify it. H essentially had to label it as paying me back and not caretaking that could later pop up as martyrdom. I could have been less defensive, and will work on that. This time took me by surprise though.
On the iPhone, I think I am ok right now too. I made it clear I did not NEED it and had a plan to handle it on my own. He was clear that he WANTED to get this for me. So long as he understands he is giving me a gift because he wants to, I can say thank you and enjoy it. As far as H spending money he doesn’t have, I am dropping the rope. Not my problem. If H stays true to old patterns, he will try to take all the debt with him in a divorce. On the off chance he came home, we can deal with it then. As of now, there is no indication he is even thinking about it.
H is going to spend money. If he wants to spend it on his daughter and on me, fine. There may be less money for OW that way too. Of course he may just do both and pile up crazy amounts of debt, but again, that’s not my problem.
It will be a balancing act, but I do believe I can do this as long as I keep in mind the dangers here. Gifts can be ok, but money has power and control implications with my H. Setting firm boundaries and refusing to let H put me into the role of needy and helpless will be the key here.
Funny thing, but H gets less and less comfortable in the life HE has chosen to live.
But me? I'm getting more comfortable every day in a situation I never wanted.
Yep, that's pretty much how it works.
Karma is a funny thing.
It does seems to be looking that way for my H right now.
*************
Journaling yet again… Last night H asked me to get D from daycare. He said he could still make it before the daycare closed, but he knew I liked to get the extra time with D instead of letting her sit at daycare just up the street from me. He would come get her as soon as he could.
He sounded frazzled, so I asked if he was ok. Said he had had a really bad day. His boss had yelled at him as soon as he walked in and he had to deal with the building inspector and the fire marshal all day. He was almost 3 hours late getting out.
He went on to say his sister had been at his mom & dad’s place with her kids waiting for him to get off for a couple hours. Dinner was waiting and it would be almost time for his sister to leave by the time he got there with D. He was kind of rambling. Also said he just didn’t want to have another night of D crying, and he didn’t know what to do.
I wanted to see D, but I also want to do as much as I can to give her little world some predictability. I offered to pick her up and take her straight to his parent’s house. H has not wanted me over for their dinner night, so I didn’t ask to stay. Instead I told him I had some errands to run, and it wasn’t out of my way.
He seemed to hesitate, so I told him I told him it was his choice. If he didn’t WANT me to drop her at his parent’s it was fine, but he had to let me know. He said he was sorry he was just so frazzled, thanked me, and said that would help out a lot.
I picked D up, turned off the radio, and just chatted with her the whole drive. Also went over the ‘new plan’ several times (especially my exit) till she seemed ok with everything.
Drop off went great. I got to say a quick ‘hi’ to everyone, but didn’t ask to stay. H thanked me several times and gave me a couple hugs. Asked about my errands and looked kind of confused and sad. I left feeling pretty good and D didn’t cry at all when I left. The whole thing went well as far as I was concerned. D even sounded happy when I called for goodnights.
There was one very interesting note on the evening. While I was there, I overheard H talking with his younger sister. Younger SIL’s H is half-owner of the restaurants my H will be working for. The other half-owner is the head chef and the one who yelled at H this morning.
Basically, H was complaining about chef/owner always being on his case. When H got in that morning chef/owner demanded to know why he was there. He then chewed H out for being in the back of the restaurant talking to the 2 hostesses the other night. H claimed he was telling them to get back to work. H said that chef/owner was completely unjustified in yelling at him. (Knowing what a chatty flirt my H can be, I think there is another side to that story, but it’s just a hunch.)
SIL said that is just how chef/owner is, nothing personal. He is a bit of a bully and likes to yell and get his way with everyone. I think that she is right, but I also think there is more to it.
H is supposed to be managing the new location when it opens, but I noticed the web site lists BIL as the manager, not H. H’s name isn’t anywhere on there. Further, H generally seems out of the loop on plans for the opening and other key issues. Because of my job, I also know that all orders are going through the main location and there are no plans for that to change either.
All that adds up to H having much less responsibility and control than he has told me he would have. He tries to paint a picture about how great things are going, but it just doesn’t fit.
It sounds to me like chef/owner doesn’t like or respect H at all. Maybe he is finding out he hired one person but got someone very different. Back when H was hired on he was a hard working and dependable family man. But now?
Well… if H is anything at his job like he has been to me, then now is a whole different story.
He told me once that he felt this was his ‘last opportunity to grow up and be a success’ and that he had to make this work.
I’m working hard to let go on this. It’s just like watching a train wreck in slow-motion. Even though I know there is
nothing I can or should do, I still worry about him.
I’m working hard to let go on this. It’s just like watching a train wreck in slow-motion. Even though I know there is
nothing I can or should do, I still worry about him.
I hear you loud and clear on this one sista! When will it come to a screeching halt???
I hear you loud and clear on this one sista! When will it come to a screeching halt???
Goodness, I sure wish I knew! At least I'm not on it anymore. Not sure if I'm far enough away to not get hurt, but I'm off the train now.
Had a good night with D. Deciding if I want to stay up or go to sleep now. H wanted to drop off my new phone tonight. JUST got D to fall asleep, so I may just grab a book and snuggle up on the couch. He should get here soon and I'll wake up then anyway.
Really just want to stay home and sleep tomorrow.
Zen, I am going to take a moment to lovingly chastise you...
Does he really need to stop over tonight to drop off the phone?
It seems that somebody gets to drop by whenever he wants. Maybe the circumstances are not clear so I am off base. It seems like some cake-eating is going on...
I don't mind at all E.
In this case it was fairly legit. They turned my phone off to activate the new one, so was without a phone till he got here. He is also working almost all day tomorrow and going out of town for some mysterious reason on Saturday.
He just left. I had gone to bed, but was still awake when he got here. Everything went well I think. He helped me with a little set up. Lots of hugs from H too.
Hugs are ok with me right now. More would have been scary. He was only over for about 10 minutes though. Its a long drive from here to the restaurant and back to his parents house.
Ugh... I'm rambling again!
Oh, and when I say 'lots of hugs' I mean LOTS of hugs. Real ones too, not those wierd sideways hugs he gives arround his family.
Just going to take it as a nice moment though, and that is all.
Hey Zen,
I'm against the cake eating thing, but those little moments when you get to see the spouse you married, they are what keeps you hanging on, aren't they? If not for those, why would anyone bother? So, no 2 x 4's from me. You had a nice 10 minutes with the man you remember. 'Nuff said.
I do miss the guy I married. It was nice to see him again, even just for a bit. The nice moments are good, but I know now that they are dangerous too. I'm having to learn not to read anything into the nice moments. I have to just take them as they are, then put them on the shelf.
Trying to figure out my new phone now. There is a lot of stuff to figure out on here! First priority is to get my girl's favorite game app. Its some sort of virtual pet cat.
I don't know which is mor complicated...an MLCer or figuring out a new phone! Good luck with the phone!
I think I'm getting this phone figured out. No progress on figuring out my H, though.
D has taken over the phone for now. Her daddy told me her favorite game apps to load on. Right now she is 'making cupcakes' on it.
Spent most of the evening at the park down the street that just opened up today. I think my city wins for coolest Christmas gift my D gets this year.
It's been a good day.
I am doing good. Expected that the holidays would bring me down, but it hasn't been that way at all. Not doing anything I don't WANT to do this year. Maybe that is why I feel so good.
Had a busy day. Took D to play with the cousins. Had 2 of her friends over to make (and eat) mini gingerbread houses, then visited a fire station holiday display. Got lost looking at Christmas lights on the way back home.
H comes over tomorrow after Church again. Not stressing about it. Glad he is coming to spend time with D, but not fixating on him visiting.
Just keeping busy and trying to keep the stress to a minimum.
The last few days have been good overall. Busy too. Saturday night (late) my H texted to tell me he has a different schedule and we could work it out when he came by the next day. I had been going over the schedule with my girl for over a week by that time, and now it was changed. Ugh.
Sunday we went to church, and then H came by for his visit (about an hour late). D fell asleep on the way home, so I let her nap till he got there. He brought lunch and we had a good visit. D got to show him her new park down the street and he helped me set up some free games on my new phone for D.
Anyway, it turns out his schedule change was pretty big. Instead of having our girl Monday night thru Thursday morning, he could only have her Thursday afternoon till Saturday morning.
D took the change well enough that it seemed to hurt H’s feelings. Having gotten a visit probably helped though.
He waited (again) till the day before he is scheduled to have D to say he has to change the schedule. When he is telling me he wants to take her Thurs & Fri, I said I would need to reschedule a play date for her. H said he didn’t want her to miss seeing her friend, but it sounded like he was hoping he wouldn’t have her that night. Of course my passive-aggressive martyr of a H would NEVER say if he needed a break, so I’m just mind reading.
Once the restaurant opens he will be pretty unavailable. H has been telling me he didn’t know how often he would even be able to see her.
His restaurant won’t close till 2 am and he will be there most nights and weekends. Even if he gets out at 3, home by 4, and goes straight to bed, he won’t be up before noon. That takes out the possibility of keeping her most mornings, even if I were to bring her to him. Oh, and he is back at the store working part time again too. He plans to work just enough to stay on their minimal insurance plan, but even that will knock another 8 hours a week from his available time.
He believes this will be temporary, maybe a few months. I have my doubts about that. Everything I know about the restaurant industry tells me he will be up to his eyeballs. His plans to eventually have 3-4 days off every week sound like pipe dreams to me.
I am starting to get a bit concerned. His schedule is going to be brutal, but that isn’t really what has me worried. My spidey-sense is tingling and I am remembering feeling this same sense of unease before bomb drop. What I fear is that H is starting to pull away from our girl. It is little things, but they are adding up to a pattern I have seen him play out many times. I am worried by the fatalistic attitude I see and hear from him about our girl.
Overall we did have a nice visit with H on Sunday. I have been filling this week up with some extra holiday activities, and we have had a really nice time together.
I just keep thinking about him pulling away from our daughter, and it makes me sad for both of them. I’m not sure what I can or even should do. I don’t even know if there
is anything I can do.
sigh…
Feeling sad and confused. Tired mostly. Little angry. Want H to go away. Want H to come home. Want my baby with me. Want her daddy with us both.
Need a break from being the responsible one.
H walked out and left me to take care of our baby, three geriatric cats, a house, and the bills. Everything.
Taking D3 for a walk tonight. It is warm and she wants to see the lights in our neighborhood. She is so amazed by all this holiday stuff.
Please pardon the pitty party. The sad sort of hit me out of nowhere tonight. Hopefuly I will feel a bit better when we get back.
Don't apologize. Pity parties are a given. You are allotted a certain number when you become a member. Just don't overdo it. Yes, you are right, but I believe you are more than just a 'little angry'. And that's okay, too.
As for the responsibility, well, look at it as a learning experience. One of you has to be the strong, responsible one. For your D, if for nothing else. It obviously is you. Take pride in that and that you are pulling it off. Every day. 24-7
Take note of your own quote, Zen. You are going through Hell - keep going!
Thank you, Punkin. I feel like I'm getting my feet under me again. Last night's Christmas light walk with D was nice, and I was able to get some sleep. Annother low patch this morning, but I pulled it back together before D woke up. She goes to daddy for the next couple days and she is excited to see him. Don't want her seeing me upset before she goes.
These low points are fewer and further apart, but they are still so intense. You are right too. I am more than a little angry. Not all the time though, and I work hard not to let my anger make my decisions for me.
Maybe I'm in the middle of some growing pains too. Going to take the next couple days that D is off with daddy to rest and catch up on some housework. Need to work through some big shifts in atitudes too. Feel like I am changing, but I'm not finished yet. This is such a strange place.
I guess the only thing to do is to 'keep going!'
When things feel strange you are uncomfortable....uncomfortable is an indication of new feelings....new feelings mean growth...growth is good
I am circling round and round. The thing I keep coming back to is the dishonesty. Yes, my H's lying and cheating hurt. But what is eating me up is my own dishonesty.
I am 99% sure H is having an affair. EA/PA, doesn't matter. He would split hairs on it, but I don't think that it really matters when or even if body fluid were exchanged. The end result is that he is leaving me for someone else.
I know that the affair meets unmet needs, it's a symptom and not the cause, yada. yada, yada…
Point is that I know. H most likely knows that I know. Or he thinks I'm an idiot. Or that I'm in denial. Or that I don’t care. What he thinks isn’t the point though.
I'm sick of acting as-if. I'm sick of covering for him.
I don't have any ultimatums to give.
I don't expect this to wake him up.
I don't expect him to come home.
I'm not out to confront or expose. I just want these games to stop. It is these as-if games that left a hole in our R that OW crawled into.
I want to be honest with him. Even if all we are together anymore are parents to our beautiful little girl. That is still such an important R, with no room for this cr*p.
Not going to rush this, I’m not ready. I won't be doing anything different till at least after the holidays. Only thing I really want to change is this, not my approach to my H. Kind of think H is planning another bomb drop too, so I will be facing something.
Like 25 said, it could be our last Christmas as a family. H wants to spend Christmas with us. I don't want D to miss that. If I'm honest, I don't want to miss it either.
Still just trying to rest and let myself figure this out. Its not just OW I have let get swept under the rug, but lots of stuff.
Journaling...
I am so confused. Woke up this morning thinking maybe I am just wanting to take control back. H has to know that I know. Maybe I shouldn't worry about what has been done or not done in the past. Only try to live my life this way going forward.
Am I trying to correct mistakes in the past when I should be building strength for the challenges that are in front of me?
So many questions. No clear answers.
*****
Mostly doing ok, despite my confused state. Tonight is my second night off from being mom. I get my girl back tomorrow morning, so I'm trying to get everything I can done before then.
D continues to adjust well. Still have behavior issues, but now seem more in the normal range. Nice to hear a happy little girl on the phone when she is with her daddy instead of how sad she was before. H continues to maintain a slightly higher level of contact. Things are more relaxed right now.
Did a bunch of shopping last night and set up a little-cousin play date for tomorrow afternoon. Tonight I want to clean house and catch up on paperwork. Also want to set up for holiday projects to do with D this weelend. Main goal is to be asleep within 5 minutes of D's night-night call though. Need to shake this sinus cold and get some rest.
Bit random, but I bought a cute tank top last night without trying it on. Wore it today, and I think it is on my list of favorite pieces of clothing now. Fits perfect, cute, fun, slimming. Love it. Lots of compliments too. Just gave me a bit of a boost today.
Journaling...
I am so confused. Woke up this morning thinking maybe I am just wanting to take control back. H has to know that I know. Maybe I shouldn't worry about what has been done or not done in the past. Only try to live my life this way going forward.
Am I trying to correct mistakes in the past when I should be building strength for the challenges that are in front of me?
So many questions. No clear answers.
Tough stuff isn't it? The questions and answers part of all this is normal.
You are doing a wonderful job right now. The majority of your focus is on you and your D which is great. Stay in the moment and please do not let this...
Kind of think H is planning another bomb drop too, so I will be facing something.
be the reason for your unrest. Have faith in yourself, you'll do what's right for you when/if the time comes.
Tonight is my second night off from being mom. I get my girl back tomorrow morning, so I'm trying to get everything I can done before then.
Ahh yes, all too familiar....dishes, laundry, cleaning blah blah blah. It's nice to use your alone time to get caught up with everything. This can also be a fun time for you too. Shopping for a new shirt? Nice!! Getting out with friends and enjoy yourself with this time is refreshing too.
Need to shake this sinus cold and get some rest.
Yes indeed, you don't want it lingering around for Christmas.
It may not seem like it to you right now, but you are handling all this extremely well.
Take good care of yourself, get better, and have a wonderful holiday!
Thanks for the encouragment, Trapt. I am having a hard time knowing what to do to, especially now that I no longer focusing as much on H & the M. I think I will be uncomfortable for a while. Lots of changes going on in me, that I have a hard time understanding.
One thing I am proud of is how much better I am doing at recovering from my low periods. I am trying hard to live in the present and be ok with just doing my best. Not an easy task for a perfectionist and control freak. I still have a long way to go too.
My original plan tonight was to go catch a movie with a friend, but I just felt I was pushing myself too hard. I want to be able to enjoy my weekend instead of trying to juggle housework and an active 3yr old. I do plan on having a 'night out' with the girls soon though.
H surprised me a bit last night by asking if I wanted to come see the resaurant when I pick D up this morning. Managing the resaurant was one of his 'reasons' for leaving. Don't know why he had to leave to do this, but I no longer expect him to be rational.
Anyway, getting up, going to look as good as I can, and heading over to pick up my sweet little girl and see all my H's hopes and dreams.
Wish me luck!
This morning was an unusually high number of texts back n' forth before meeting with H. I was feeling a bit flirty this morning, but kept it VERY light. Ended up with H asking if I wanted to have breakfast together before seeing the restaurant. Said sure, and we had a good time.
H was a bit reserved, but not at all bad. I think I was starting to move in too close, so I pulled back and things went better. Also found out H had slept only an hour last night because D had been up repeatedly from a runny nose and was crying for me.
Over all he responded very well though. We had planned on seeing his family Christmas Eve & then doing Day here. His sister ended up inviting all to dinner on Day too. I asked if H was planning on going. He made a face and said he hadn't planned on it. I said fine. I would rather stay home than do another big event.
He sounded happy about spending Christmas day together, and even said he wants to grill out here for dinner that day. Sounds good to me and made me think I may wrap up a bag of charcoal under the tree for him. Hee hee...
Hi Zen, just wanted to let you know I am still around.
Had a big day yesterday, recovering.
Enjoy your Christmas!!
Busy, busy, busy me.
Not posting much, just trying to keep my head above water. D3 is sick still. Took her to the doc yesterday, but only because she has been miserable for so long. Just allergies and a plain ol' cold. Got her some new cough meds at least so maybe the poor girl can sleep. Even on the meds last night she was coughing, but she slept through it at least.
Lots of conflicted feelings right now. Guess that is normal. Getting a taste of what's to come with H & helping out with D. Last minute cancelations, less availability, even her goodnight calls are unreliable right now.
He is trying, but I no longer assume he will want or even be able to help in the future. I also expect him to file right after Christmas and before the restaurant opens. Our 11 year anniversay is comming up too though. Not sure if he will 'delay' for that too. Who knows, I may still be waiting for papers next Christmas.
Overall, am holding it together well. Enjoying the holiday with my girl and trimming my last minute list down to only the essentials. Rice crispie fudge bars
are on the essentials list though.
Just taking a baby step forward today. I made my relationship status on FB private.
Didn't want to change it because I am still married, but thought it was too pushy in the event H does ever check my page. Don't know if he looks on there anymore. It also keeps from notifying the whole world if and when I do change my status.
I don't talk about our R on FB and no longer worry if H or OW see my page. It has become about me & my D3 keeping up with family & friends now. Not too hard to see that H isn't in the picture anymore, so maybe that means I am accepting my path for now.
Tired tonight.
Had packages to pick up at the post office, took D to see her friend at the park before he left town for the holiday, negotiated dinner into D's tummy, had to return library books, then put D down for bed.
Still have cat boxes to change, gifts to wrap, and to get D's teacher gifts ready for Thursday. Her teachers are at the top of my Christmas list this year, BTW.
Life is busy, but it is keeping me from tumbling into depression right now. Need to get back on track. H coming for Christmas is scaring me right now. Afraid I bit off more than I can chew.
Don't know. Need to find ways to depend on H less and work on going darker. Very confused right now.
Zen,
Hang in there. Just a few more days, and then we can look forward to the long, dreary, dark days of Winter. But No holidays. LOL
I'm kind of looking forward to our Christmas Dinner. Just me and the girls. It's probably all I could handle right now anyway. No word from H now for 4 weeks. It is much easier this way.
((hugs))Zen
Thanks for the encouragment Punkin. It helps.
Looking forward to those long winter days post-holiday. Should have even less contact with H. Even if those divorce papers do come right after Christmas, it is only the begining of a very long process. I won't drag my feet, but I will make sure D3 and I are protected.
Crossed off
all non-essentials from my to-do list. Don't want to spoil my holiday with trying to do too much. Just want to enjoy my time with D3 and relax.
Still struggling with how I will handle H on Christmas Day. I'm not good with boundaries and have so many conflicting feelings right now. I want to find a ballance between paving the way and protecting myself. Want to detach with love, but still struggling with actually doing that.
Its a bit random, but something has been bugging me for a while now. Just wanted to write it down.
On Saturday, when I went to get D from H & see H's new restaurant I twice commented on how nice the place looked and how I was proud of how well he was doing with the place, trying to validate a bit. In the past H has responded very well to this sort of comment, so it really surprised me that he said nothing. He even seemed to withdraw a bit, so I pulled back and switched to talking about D's schedule.
I had posted before that I had some concerns about his sitch at the restaurant not going well. Could have been plain 'ol guilt, but could also indicate things are not going well for him at the job he sees as his last oportunity to be a 'success.'
I guess time will tell on that one. For now I will take comments about the restaurant off my list of 'safe' topics.
Could be a million things Zen ... don't bother yourself with trying to mindread!
Merry Christmas to you! I know you will have a blast with your D!
Peace
PEI
Thanks PEI! We are going to have fun!
Merry Christmas Zen,
Except for when you MUST see your h, try to think of him as being in Australia and unreachable. Just not an issue for now. No more mind reading. Your life has enough good stuff AND enough to prepare for that you don't need to spend an extra ounce on him. If the restaurant is no longer a safe topic, good grief. But NOT Your problem right? All you have to care about is you and D and making sure you are protected. Good points!
Have a peaceful holiday and have some JOY too.
Zen,
Merry Christmas to you!!!!!!!! I'm thinking of you at Christmas and saying a little prayer that you will find moments of peace and joy.
GAG
Merry Christmas! Thanks for all the good holiday wishes.
Early this morning, D3 comes in to snuggle since I won't let her go in the living room 'before santa'. Curled up, with her head on my arm, D3 says,
"I love you forever mommy. You are my verry good mommy.' Then she falls back asleep. Right then, I knew that I am truly blessed.
Hi all, just popping back by to update and catch up. I have been visiting a new board, but I miss my DB peeps. Though I may not like some of the parental moderating that goes on here, the people who post here have been my lifeline through the worst of my crisis.
So, to update:Christmas was strangely one of the best that I have had in a long time. New traditions and focusing on my sweet little girl kept me mostly sane. There was some sadness too, but overall it was good. I made my holiday plans and told H he could come or not, my only goal was not to stress over anything. H came over a lot more than I expected for Christmas. We both went to SIL2’s house Christmas Eve & then H came to open gifts with us on Christmas Day. He seemed to genuinely have fun, but disappeared for the second half of the day and all through the next day too. Suspect he was spending that time with OW.
For New Years I took D3 to her cousin’s giant party. He stayed away, mostly work, but a party somewhere too. He did wish me a happy new year during D’s goodnight call.
My 11 year anniversary came and went this past Sunday. H even came over, but neither of us said anything about it. He was only over for a little while, mostly to visit D3. He brought over lunch and we played in the snow with D.
H’s new restaurant is finally opening this week. There seems to be some animosity between H & one of the owners. Not BIL, but even there H seems not to be talking much. Also am pretty certain that whatever H thought was going to be his role in the restaurant he didn’t get as much as he thought he would get.
H’s general pattern seems to be to keep his schedule to himself. My notice for his visits are very last minute, but I am seeing him much more than I expected to. On the phone H chats more. He often sounds quite sad. He is less physical around me, but seems relaxed. It’s the sadness that comes through to me right now, though H tries hiding it.
So far I have
not seen divorce papers. H hasn’t mentioned the “D” word either. Money and time are likely the reason for that, but I think a general lack of motivation is contributing too. I also suspect H may be using being ‘technically’ married to keep OW at bay. He is a distancer to the core.
Currently having a very peaceful spell, despite D3 deciding last night to spill about OW being at the camping trip back in October. It was old news. Sure messed with my sleep though.
I am detaching more every day, though I have cycled hard quite a few times over the holidays. I am also learning to ‘listen’ to my intuition. I’m starting to build a life for myself and D where we will be happy and safe. I am staying out of H’s way and using this time to build strength and see my H as he is rather than as I wish.
I pray for him a lot these days too. H is out of my hands and there is so much work still to do on myself.
Thanks for the update Zen. You're sounding great. Keep up the good work!
Hope
I am detaching more every day, though I have cycled hard quite a few times over the holidays. I am also learning to ‘listen’ to my intuition. I’m starting to build a life for myself and D where we will be happy and safe. I am staying out of H’s way and using this time to build strength and see my H as he is rather than as I wish.
Stay the course with that ^^^ up there.
H’s general pattern seems to be to keep his schedule to himself. My notice for his visits are very last minute, but I am seeing him much more than I expected to.
It could be a control issue for him. He may want to keep you off balance. Are YOU comfortable with HIS last minute visits?
Oh, one other thing....less worry about HIM and more focus on YOU.
You sound really good Hope.
God Bless,
Eric
Thanks for the post Eric!
H’s general pattern seems to be to keep his schedule to himself. My notice for his visits are very last minute, but I am seeing him much more than I expected to.
It could be a control issue for him. He may want to keep you off balance. Are YOU comfortable with HIS last minute visits?
I DO think that there is an element of controling here, but also his restaurant job is very hectic right now. I'm seeing him try to control me in areas too, but just little stuff.
The last minute notice has become increasingly annoying. I still allow the short notice visits for D3's sake, but I have stopped rearanging my schedule or leaving 'openings' for him to drop by. This last weekend H visited twice but I kept a play date with D's little cousins for the same time anyway. I also and stayed at church to visit for a bit on Sunday instead of rushing home.
I am feeling good, but I know I have a long way to go still.
Updating a bit…
Had a big realization that OW actively pursued my H early on, starting months before bomb drop. A comment that D3 made sort of ‘clicked’ everything into place for me. Did a lot of looking at her & H and readjusted my view of them. Didn’t change much, but did help me understand better. It also let me see how damaged their R is.
OW is a HEAVY pursuer, and H is a HEAVY distancer. It’s only a matter of time before that falls apart. The best thing I can do is pull back so they can figure that out on their own. Also don’t want to encourage H to take D any more than he asks to. That will help keep D from OW.
I realized some things about H during this. He loves to be the hero and to take care of people, but doesn’t have healthy boundaries about it. He HATES confrontation, especially with a woman. He has a hard time taking a stand or making decisions, and is very passive aggressive. H is NOT a strong or determined person, though he wants to be seen that way.
In reality, he kind of drifts along, waiting for something to happen that will make his mind up for him. More often than not, especially in our M, H just follows along. I fought this in our M, but honestly it shouldn’t have been my job to make him tell me what he wanted all the time.
One thing that I have realized is that I do have boundaries, and that H knows exactly what they are. If he didn’t, he wouldn’t be so secretive. I would even go so far as to say that my boundaries may be one of the things that drove H to move out so quickly.
I realized some things about H during this. He loves to be the hero and to take care of people, but doesn’t have healthy boundaries about it. He HATES confrontation, especially with a woman. He has a hard time taking a stand or making decisions, and is very passive aggressive. H is NOT a strong or determined person, though he wants to be seen that way.
In reality, he kind of drifts along, waiting for something to happen that will make his mind up for him. More often than not, especially in our M, H just follows along. I fought this in our M, but honestly it shouldn’t have been my job to make him tell me what he wanted all the time.
One thing that I have realized is that I do have boundaries, and that H knows exactly what they are. If he didn’t, he wouldn’t be so secretive. I would even go so far as to say that my boundaries may be one of the things that drove H to move out so quickly.
Oh my! I think we are married to the same man!!!
Hehe, I see my H all over this place.
Journaling again...
I have been busy, but good the last few days. D & I have both been sick with colds, but are recovering. I am feeling more independent and I have been reaching out and doing more things now. I went to a birthday party for a new friend from church that has a daughter close in age to my girl. I am teaching my toddler art class again. I invited my in-laws over for a movie night. I am starting to stick around after church to visit more now too.
I think that H becoming unavailable due to his work schedule helped me. I had gotten stuck trying to keep my daughter ‘available’ for his last minute visits. Now that I don’t expect to see him I have gone ahead and made plans without trying to predict what he is doing. I am also less likely to change those plans for him.
H is still a whirlwind of changing schedules and uncertainty. That frustrates me, especially in how it affects D3. It is getting harder to tell when it is ‘safe’ to tell her that she will see her daddy too. Sunday night H asked if we wanted to come have dinner at the new restaurant Tuesday & let me know his mom had invited me & D to dinner on Wednesday. It worked with our schedule so I said yes. Last night H called to let me know he had just been given Tuesday & Wednesday off.
Ugh.
More chaos and confusion.
We went back and forth, me trying to get him to tell me what he wanted to do, him just sounding uncertain and noncommittal. Finally settled on moving dinner to Thursday, which works for me and keeping dinner at his parent’s the same just with him there too. He ‘offered’ to take her without me to dinner at his parents on Wednesday, but I’m sick of him running interference between me and his family. I told him I would just plan on going like before because I liked seeing everyone and had already been planning on it. The discomfort with that is in him, not in me and not in his family. If this is how he wants things he will have to learn to deal with the consequences on his own.
I got upset at H for a while. Angry that he is always changing plans at the last minute. Upset that he didn’t ask to take D3 at all during his days off, except to try to un-invite me from his parent’s dinner. Probably would have been upset at him even if he
did want to take her for an overnight too.
Think I have hit a new point emotionally. It wasn't long ago that if H popped his head out of the tunnel, my whole world brightened up with hope and purpose. Now? He just wears me out. Before he could do no wrong, but now he can't do anything right. Every choice he makes just makes me more and more disillusioned.
I am cycling still, but have overall managed to hold on to a feeling of being protected from the chaos around me. I have been praying a lot and trying to find a little time each day to just be quiet and listen too. I am trying hard to listen to my intuition, especially when I get upset or start to feel like I need to ‘do’ something.
‘Listening’ about my frustrations with H helped. I realized I was again trying to fix and mind read for him. I need to stop that. I am not responsible for how he feels. I am also not responsible for the actions he takes… or fails to take.
For now my intuition tells me that I need to keep myself from asking if he wants to take D today or tomorrow. I have realized that I have been pushing for him to spend time with D because it is inconceivable to me that he
wouldn’t want that. Who knows what he plans to use his time off for? If he has a date with OW, then no, I don’t want D to tag along. Heck, maybe he plans to go file for his divorce. Maybe he just needs to rest. How should I know?
Maybe he is trying to respect the plans I have and can’t work up the nerve to ask for more time. Maybe he really just doesn’t want to spend time with D. I asked if he wanted to get together any when he called. If I keep asking, that is just pushing.
I have to let go. I probably
will ask him later today if he would pick D up from day care tomorrow, but only because it would save me some driving back and forth and doesn’t have to interfere with any of his ‘plans’. If he asks to take D or see us extra during the next couple days, fine. But
no asking if that is what he wants.
I hear uncertainty and maybe some sadness or even fear when we speak lately. These are only feelings that I get, though the surprise and uncertainty I heard in his voice when he called during my friend's birthday party came through pretty strongly. He is still gone, with no return trip planned as far as I can tell. My instincts tell me he is under a lot of stress, so pushing for ANYTHING is a bad idea.
Mostly what I want is just to find a bit of peace in my life. I'm also tired of being on call, so I am working to stop doing that too.
Zen,
I know what you mean about the schedule changes. I got to a point where I NEVER (and still actually don't) tell D that H is planning on doing something with her/us. If he shows up, great. Otherwise, only I'm left feeling aggravated. And after awhile, even that resides and I end up feeling more surprised than anything else when he DOES keep his commitments.
You sound good thought. You're working on you and that's what's most important. Keep up the good work.
Hey Zen, thanks for popping by my thread! You sound good ... keep focused on you ... keep on truckin' ...
Peace
PEI
Hi PEI! Hi Alb!
I am definately telling D less about when H plans to come by. Overnights have to be the exception, because I don't want her surprised by those. I will probably start adding that I will come get her if daddy has to work though.
Yesterday not such a good day for me.
Someone from work told me they met my “ex” husband at his new restaurant. I asked who had brought me up. H had. Asked them not to say anything one way or another, but that it was news to me about the divorce having gone through.
H called later wanting to come by to visit D and go over our joint account that needs closed. Even wanted to go to story time with us. Asked some budget questions relating to D3's healthcare. Maybe he is is fixin' to file and/or get his own place.
Looked at phone records to check my usage. Made the mistake of peeking at H's. 18 texts between he & OW a day when he has 'no time' for his own kid. I know I shouldn't have looked, but in this case it was a good thing. Gave me strength later when I needed it.
H mentioned that he wanted to take D camping next week. I wouldn't mind him taking her camping, but not with OW. D loves camping and has been asking to go. She has been VERY specific with me though that she wants her mommy AND her daddy to take her. Since bomb drop I took D once, then H took her once. While they were gone I realized H had taken supplies for 2 adults and a child. Recently D spilled about OW having gone on that trip.
There is usually a long delay between OW meetings and D seeming to need to tell me. I suspect it is because H and/or OW tell her to keep secrets from me. In my opinion, that puts adult responsibility on the shoulders of an already confused little girl. It is the LOWEST thing my H has done during this crisis to date. To me, this is bigger than the affair or the abandonment.
I was not expecting this so soon. I have been praying for protection for D3 a lot lately, and believe I got my answer last night. Yes, God will protect her. He has worked to make me strong enough to do this now. There will be no outside intervention, just me.
When H mentioned he was thinking of taking D camping next week, I asked him if it would be just the two of them this time. H startled a bit and said 'probably'. I answered that if it was just him & D that I am fine with it. He then went to check the weather and said maybe it would be too cold, so maybe not. He mentioned it again later that evening as a maybe. I responded that it is awful cold for a little kid right now.
The rest of the evening went OK. I was shaking and sick feeling, but that stopped after the camping conversation. H told me he plans to pay down the credit card debt. That would be nice, since it is mostly his bachelor lifestyle and OW debt. The only stuff from me has been car repairs and some bills. H said he would take care of moving the phone bill from the old account. Might mean he will be taking that one over. It would help if he did. I won't hold my breath on any of this though.
H tagged along to story time, and that was odd. Maybe just wanting to spend time with D, but maybe also checking up on the both of us. I have a small group of friends now who meet there. I think he was checking things out.
H is probably going to push this camping trip again. I do not think he wants to tell me about OW. I believe he still wants me to see him as a 'good' person and maintain that he 'tried' to save his marriage.
I am still praying for my daughter's protection, but also for strength. I still pray for H as well. Especially that his eyes open to the pain he is causing so many.
I am scared. Not of the divorce, but of being weak and failing my D.
I am also very afraid of letting lose on H. There is a very real danger of going overboard and tearing that man a new @-hole. I am probably the ONLY person in his life who knows just how dark his shadows are.
Praying, praying, and more praying.
Praying for strength.
Praying for guidance.
Praying for peace.
What I 'hear' when I pray is hard to put in words, but I will try.
In my quiet listening time I have come to see the next steps in my journey. I have come face to face with my own cowardace. I have seen that I am STILL trying to influence my H. I am just as guilty as he is of running from confrontation.
My quiet voice tells me that it is not my responsibility to change my H's mind or convince him what he should do. But it is on ME to speak out. I see my D's confusion and anxiety, but my H does not.
My silence has supported my H's fantasy. I cannot allow myself to live a life surrounded by lies. It is not necessary to expose them, but I do not have to accept them. I also must work harder on ME ALONE.
The other day when I felt moved to tell my H that I did not think camping "again" with anyone else was a good idea; it marked a turning point for me. I let him know that I knew he had taken someone else on that last trip and that I did not approve. Up to that point I had been shaking in fear. After I spoke, the shaking stopped and the fear left.
I want to live an HONEST and FREE life. No secrets and no fears. I believe this is the heart of finding the safety I so desperately want in my life for myself and for my daughter.
That quiet voice tells me I will be tested soon. Me. Not my H. This test is comming regardless of whether H decides to push the camping trip or not. If he does, it is not my job to stop him. It is my job to stop the secrets. This is only between me and H. Not family, not friends, not even D.
I cannot allow him to believe he can hide any longer, because these secrets have put adult responsability on my daughter. While these secrets belong to my H, I have contributed to my daughter's pain by allowing them to continue.