Hi...starting a new thread. OTher one was getting too long.
Thank you for worrying about me Mila. This weekend has not been the best at all.
Just got out of church tonight...heading home I had to stop by the shop to get something...decided to check on my thread first. Stalling going home probably.
I noticed on his fb tonight that he said he is VERY TIRED. ANd in need of a few drinks. I feel its all because I wont have sex with him the way he wants. I told him NO several times today, that I dont like the violence. That I want it to be loving and comforting...well his reply was, maybe if I gave him what HE wanted I would get what I want. Ugh! How can I get him to understand that I just DO NOT want to have sex with him or can I look at him with desire when he refused to even kiss me, and is never doing anything or saying anything NICE to me at all? He doesnt get it, its all about HIM. Dont get me wrong...I want to do things nice for him, I want to do things that make him feel good, but I just dont FEEL it. I feel like I may as well be a paid, well...you know...I just feel used is all.
I heard a very good message at church tonight...I was able to apply it to me and my H. Going to remember it as I go home. Im thinking he will be in bed already as he is fed up with me today.
I have tried to do what i wanted to do this weekend. Even went to my parents and my sisters house. He didnt seem to care what I did.
Well, Im going to head home now. Pray for me please.
Oh kissak I wish I had words to comfort you.
I feel for you and admier your strength.
Thank you Shantilly. I wonder about my strength here lately though.
Last night when I got home, My H and I went to bed and watched a little tv. He wanted sex of course, well he wanted me to do everything I should say (sorry, lol)Well, he asked me if when I looked at him if I "wanted him". Well, I paused for a minute. BAD IDEA. I told him that yes, I wanted him when I looked at him. He said I took too long to think about that, so I said that it was very hard for me to be intimate with him when he wouldnt even kiss me. He said nothing. I told him how I didnt like how he treated me...in the bedroom. He said it was just to get a reaction out of me and that he always got the reaction he expected (not the one he wanted but expected). OK, I walk out of the room just a little upset, but didnt let him know that. I came back into the room and he wanted to continue with the sex, it was like he didnt hear anything I said. He wants from me, but what I want...doesnt matter. I have told him how him NOT kissing me hurts me, yet he continues to turn his cheek the other way. BUT he wants me to keep DOING for him...with feeling??
OK, how can I make it any clearer that I am attracted to my H physically, but NOT emotionally? Could anyone be attracted to someone who treats them badly? I cant. He doesnt get it. Im trying not to feel bad for saying what I said, for hurting his feelings by making him think Im not attracted to him....but, to me, he is an ugly person right now. I cant help it.
What sucks is that he is sitting around all day long thinking IM THE ONE making HIM unhappy. OK, that may be how he feels, but does how he treats me NOT supposed to affect how I TREAT HIM?
Just trying to sort this out in my head. BUT then again, maybe im giving it too much room in my head.
Today I got a text from my h. He wants to know what is up with me lately, that I seem different???? That I have a different attitude lately or something!
OMG I am at a loss for words.
I feel its all because I wont have sex with him the way he wants.]/quote]
Answer me this….healthy boundaries are FOR WHO?
[quote]I told him NO several times today, that I dont like the violence.
Kissak, I do not want any of the details BUT, you may really need to start thinking about how healthy this is for YOU.
well his reply was, maybe if I gave him what HE wanted I would get what I want. Ugh!
Manipulation and CONTROL. So are you going to allow him to continue to control you?
How can I get him to understand that I just DO NOT want to have sex with him or can I look at him with desire when he refused to even kiss me, and is never doing anything or saying anything NICE to me at all?
You can lead a horse to water but ya can’t make him…..
You cannot get him to “see” anything that HE chooses not to. Your statement though sounds like YOU are a victim! You are only a victim IF you allow YOURSELF to be.
He doesnt get it, its all about HIM
Did you forget that your H is in MLC? Also, he makes everything about HIM….so what should YOU make everything about? Psst….is starts with the letter Y and ends with a U.
Should you focused on HIM or YOU?
I feel like I may as well be a paid, well...you know...I just feel used is all.
I, I, I, I, I……
What DO YOU WANT TO DO FOR YOU, YOU, YOU, YOU….
Stop being a victim and stop giving him all of this control over YOU. He is angry in the bedroom, we’ll then he should not get “any”. Period. You should not feel like a “paid” servant.
He didnt seem to care what I did.
The bigger question…is WHY do YOU care that HE did not care about WHAT you did. Sounds to me that you are still reacting to what he thinks and does.
I told him how I didnt like how he treated me...in the bedroom. He said it was just to get a reaction out of me and that he always got the reaction he expected (not the one he wanted but expected).
Personally Kisaak you need to look at the above statement. He is totally manipulating YOU and trying to make YOU “feel” like you need to live up to your wifely duties. Personally, I think you need to put a stop to it. If it were me, the next time he wanted to have “violent/angry, self satisfying sex” well I would hand him a jar of Vaseline and some klennex and say knock yourself out.
OK, how can I make it any clearer that I am attracted to my H physically, but NOT emotionally?
What do you think happens when you reward BAD behavior?
What sucks is that he is sitting around all day long thinking IM THE ONE making HIM unhappy.
Kissak – you have been at this for a while now, why do you continue to look at him. Why do you continue to associate your happiness, your life to him? That sista is the bigger question.
The one that is much harder to address.
You can love him and still be married….just make sure that YOU love YOURSELF as well.
Today I got a text from my h. He wants to know what is up with me lately, that I seem different???? That I have a different attitude lately or something!
Maybe it is a good time to let him know that going forward you will NOT allow him to treat you like chit emotionally and sexually. Having said this, you must be prepared to deal with whatever his response is. Another option would be to say nothing.
Eric
Hi Kissak,
I'm sorry you feel so bad. I hope you will be able to step back and look at the relationship you've been describing the last little while. For whatever reason, your H is not able to work on Piecing your M right now, and has gone right back into MLC. He's verbally and sexually abusive towards you, secretive, and plays mind-games designed to manipulate you into feeling that you are the source of his problems. These are all controlling behaviours. He wants you to be so busy wondering how YOU can change yourself that he can get away with unacceptable behaviour.
Kissak, trust in the changes you made before you took him back. Try to focus on loving yourself, on feeling that you do not need him to be happy, and on filling your life only with actions that satisfy YOU. Nothing that you do right now, from getting an extra job, to showing affection, to gently reasoning with him, to putting all your energy into figuring out why he says such crazy things, is going to have any effect on him right now. I hate to see you trying so hard to turn that frog into a prince that you're neglecting the true prize/princess here: yourself.
((((Kissak))))
He's verbally and sexually abusive towards you, secretive, and plays mind-games designed to manipulate you into feeling that you are the source of his problems. These are all controlling behaviours. He wants you to be so busy wondering how YOU can change yourself that he can get away with unacceptable behaviour.
I agree. I do believe he is doing this to me. Mind games. The thing is, I dont know if he realizes that is what he is doing.
Eric, I am trying to take in everything thing you have said. I dont know why I let him manipulate me like this. I feel like a child sometimes. Its like he doesnt even listen to Himself talk much less me.
I have told him that I do not like the anger in the bedroom...he said its not anger, its just him trying to spark or get some interest from me. I told him that I dont like it and thats not the way to do it. He did say he was sorry.
He said he cant give me what I want, like kissing me, until he feels it. He has to feel it.
Im sooo tired of this feeling crap.
I have basically stopped texting him this afternoon.
I have told him exactly how i feel today. Yet, he still keeps asking me what Im thinking. I feel like he is fishing for something out of me....
Hi Kissak,
I'm sorry you feel so bad. I hope you will be able to step back and look at the relationship you've been describing the last little while. For whatever reason, your H is not able to work on Piecing your M right now, and has gone right back into MLC. He's verbally and sexually abusive towards you, secretive, and plays mind-games designed to manipulate you into feeling that you are the source of his problems. These are all controlling behaviours. He wants you to be so busy wondering how YOU can change yourself that he can get away with unacceptable behaviour.
Kissak, trust in the changes you made before you took him back. Try to focus on loving yourself, on feeling that you do not need him to be happy, and on filling your life only with actions that satisfy YOU. Nothing that you do right now, from getting an extra job, to showing affection, to gently reasoning with him, to putting all your energy into figuring out why he says such crazy things, is going to have any effect on him right now. I hate to see you trying so hard to turn that frog into a prince that you're neglecting the true prize/princess here: yourself.
((((Kissak))))
^^^^^^^ what she said. Period.
I think you are right on. Nothing I do right now is going to make a difference in the world about what he thinks.
I think you are right on. Nothing I do right now is going to make a difference in the world about what he thinks.
Exactly. So what are you going to do for YOU now?
As a side note, did you read my thread the other day?
Currently the only things I have on the list for me are planning a ladies get together at my church this coming up weekend. That will keep me busy this week and weekend doing the planning and getting ready for that.
I would love to take the kids to the fair this week. My Daughter asked her dad if they could go last night, he said only if your mom is gonna take you. SO, It will probably be just me taking them this week. Funny, last year at the fair is when he asked me if he could come home
I have lots of things around the house I need to do...but I tried to do that last night and stay busy, but all I heard from my H last night was that I seemed different....because I was doing my own thing and paying him no mind. Guess there will be more of that if I do more things for me.
I really wish he would just go away for a while. Not permently, but temporarily. Just so we could have some space/time apart.
Kissak
IMO, there comes a time when you will really need to determine how long you can tolerate this behavior.
I have told him that I do not like the anger in the bedroom
Telling and allowing are 2 different things. Your ACTIONS should mirror YOUR words.
I dont know why I let him manipulate me like this.
You have the answer to this question and it is inside YOU. What you will need to do is really dig for it.
Fear?
Codependancy?
Insecurities?
Lack of a sense of self?
Dig Kissak...dig.
That is a start. Will you be able to stand your ground when he pushes again? That is the question that you need to answer but will not be able to until you dig and understand WHY you allow this.
Kissak,
Once you start standing up for yourself he is not going to understand. The dynamics of the R have changed and the power of YOU would have shifted from HIM to YOU. He will more than likely rebel. You should be prepared to stick to your values and your beliefs.
This is hard Kissak - it really is.
You many not know this about me but I too was a controlling as*hole. Stand your ground - he will respect you for it at somepoint.
Once you stand for Kissak...
You will really see what you are made of.
It is not easy
It is very scary - can you be alone? can you manage the household? What will your life be like?
All of these questions and fears will surface - face'em. Stare them down. Look up and ask God to give you the strength you need.
And then really begin to work on you. Find who that strong Kissak is AND
Maybe...
Just maybe....
Your H will begin to really work on and FIX his chit
I am praying for you AND your H.
Eric
Thank you Eric. You are right. I really do need to dig deep. I need to know why I allow this.
Fear? Yes
Codependancy? Im sure
Insecurities? Probably so
Lack of a sense of self? Not sure on that one.
I just have this need to make him happy with ME. Codepenant stuff I guess. I dont want him to walk away blaming ME for everything, which is why I try so hard, yet he will probably blame me anyway.
You guys have no idea how many times I have re-read these posts to me the last few days. Im trying to step outside my Marriage and see it for what it really is.
K,
I'm so sorry, but you need to listen to what the posters have been telling you today. You have to think about what YOU want for now. Your h is still very much in mlc and will do just about anything to manipulate and control you. Why? Because you have changed and he can't figure it out and he wants you right back to the way you were so long ago.
If this man cannot meet you halfway in the bedroom, then cut him off. You have emotional feelings as well and it's not all about him.
The man is playing mind games w/you and is trying to beat you down....please don't go there. You have come such a long way and have found your footing. Stay true to yourself. If he doesn't like it, too bad. It's time you thought about what you want in life.
Thanks Snodderly....it is time I thought about what I want in life.
He said I changed when he came home. That I worked so hard to get him to come home, then I changed.
Is it fair to say that things are different when he is home than when he was away?? Less pressure maybe when he werent here? Just thinking.
K,
He doesn't realize that people do change in time and especially after what you have been through. When they enter the Mother Ship, they are expecting us to remain right where they left us and to be that same person they left behind. Life doesn't work that way....we evolve and we've learned to deal w/everything that comes our way, the experiences change us.
Let me share this w/you....my xh walked out the door and then returned home and I jumped through hoops to please him. Every time he said he wasn't happy w/something I said or did, I would try my best to change to make him happy. You know what? Nothing makes them happy and my xh stood in my family room and declared that nothing had changed? Well, hello? I had jumped through hoops, become very unhappy and extremely tired of his bs...that's when I realized that no matter what you did, he would find fault w/it. What did I do? Dropped the rope and began doing for me. I did what I needed to do to make myself whole and happy once again.
K, what I'm really trying to say is this, you cannot compete w/an mlcer when they are unhappy. You need to stay true to yourself and realize that your happiness is just as important as his...
Remember...this is not about you at all...but about him and it wouldn't matter if he was home or on the street...he wouldn't be happy w/anything you said or did. Live your life for YOU!
Kissak
I know that this is so very difficult for you....you are getting great advice and lots of food for thought....at this point it has to be about you and no longer about him....for your own mental health....I can feel how much you suffer through this.
I can tell you from my own experience that to separate from H mentally...to stop trying to please him, help him, to stop thinking of him first as I always did, to stop worrying about making him upset and on and on......was the hardest part for me....the most painful....
Let your survival instinct kick in....now it's you or him....which one will you choose.
((((mega hugs)))
Thanks Snodderly and Mila.
This is hard. NOt quite as hard as the first time he left me, but its still hard to deal with. I mean, I dont want him to leave. I still hold onto the hope I can keep my family together. But marriage is a two way street. I feel like Im giving all I got, even when I dont want to. ANd he will only give if he feels it. Well, it shouldnt work that way. Ive been giving and giving for quite a while now, without getting nothing back.
I havent changed that much. I mean, I have changed from the first time he left me 4 years ago, yes I am a different person since then, Im more aware of things and im stronger in all kinds of ways.
I thought alot about it since last night. Before my H came home, I heard lots of promises of how he would help around the house, do more things with me, help me more with the kids, etc. Well the longer he was home, the more I noticed he werent living up to what he said....so, not that i was harboring any resentment, I just felt like I had more on me to do. I was helping him do a paper route every other day starting at 4am...so I was tired most nights as was he. So, the intimacy was lacking...I didnt feel like it most of the time, it had also gotten to the point with him that it felt like just sex to me....I began to be turned off by this. I told him many times how I wanted it to be....I wanted more intimacy, loving, etc. I wanted him to take walks with me, help me with dinner at night...for everything he had excuses...so this affected me...which in turn affected him...so, I have noticed this, yet he still wants to throw the blame all my way. Here is what he told me when throwing all the blame my way yesterday...he saw that I changed and over time he just adapted to my changes, but he didnt like them...which has lead to all his frustration.
Nothing was talked about last night. I went to sleep about the time he came home from a meeting. He wanted sex (just sex), I didnt. So I told him no. He didnt argue, so we both went to sleep. This morning I found out on FB that a friend of his had passed away...I texted him to tell him that I had heard about it, but he was surprised. He hadnt heard it yet. I asked how come none of his buddies let him know about it...he didnt know. Strange, last week he got sooo many texts from people concerned about this person being sick, yet none of them let him know of her passing....
Now he is already texting me this morning wanting to know what iM thinking...to put him off I have just replyed "not much right now".
Dont know what to say. Did talk to a friend this morning who has told her H that she is taking her kids and leaving him. She makes it sound so easy. Like she is happy to just get rid of her H. Why is it so easy for some, and not me?
Just a thought....
alot of the problems I hear coming from my H lately are about the sex...well, I read the 9 tips on the sexual issues thread. It explains exactly how I feel. It puts all my thoughts into words on how I feel about sex. I have a lower sex drive than my H does. I was wondering if it would do any good to send that article to my H in an email and ask him if he would read it. I dont know if it would help at all, but then again, could it hurt any?
Any thoughts?
Kissak,
Can you do me a favor?
Just a small favor.
Write down what YOU are afraid of? Be very specific - very specific.
Thanks,
Eric
You know...I sit here and argue with myself about that.
At first I would say Im afraid of being alone, then I remember that I am not alone and never will be, because I have God in my life. Also I remind myself that I have been by myself before and I did just fine. So, no IM not afraid of that. Got guys just waiting for my H to mess up again so they can have a chance with a great gal
Second I wonder if Im afraid that he will find someone else. He has been with someone else before when we were separated and that was the HARDEST thing for me. I hated it. Im afraid of those feelings coming back.
Im afraid of struggling financially. I struggled before while he was gone and ran up alot of debt I hadnt had prior to him leaving. Business is slower than it use to be and Im afraid of losing everything...although then I remember that I have my Lord there to help me through anything.
Im afraid of letting go and giving up. To me to let go means to completely give up any hope. That would be the only way I could move on with my life. That, I am afraid of.
What if I stay just a little longer...what if I give up just before my prayers are answered? What if everything would have been ok if I just gave it more time?
Im afraid of being with someone else. I have been with my H for sooo long. He was my first bf. Married him right out of HS. It took me to years after he left to work up the courage to go on a date with someone. I werent ready then. It was weird. I cried for the rest of the night when the date was over. It felt so wrong. Im afraid of never being able to love someone else.
These are the fears I battle with.
Kissak,
Your post touch a cord in me. You may not realize it but you are also helping me…
Im afraid of struggling financially.
So am I Kissak…so am i. Guess what…I think it boils down to this.
What is more important – money OR happiness?
You can have both, yes. BUT if you could not and FTR…you could not only for a period of time, which would you choose.
I suspect that you would choose happiness. AND herein lies the issue. As a society we are trained to think that happiness cost money. If I only could drive this car, if I only live in this type of house, if I only had X number of dollars to spend on entertaining myself…well then I can be happy. Honestly, It bullchit.
Money does NOT buy happiness. Does it help, yes BUT you can drive the nicest car, live in the nicest house, have a perfectly manicure lawn and still be miserable.
Kissak, YOU need to find your happiness away from EVERYTHING and EVERYONE. This takes a lot of work as I am coming to realize BUT the payoff is huge.
You want to kill your codependency issues? Learn to face your fears – no one can control your life except YOU. Yes you can allow them to BUT really you control your life.
And so that you know, what I think you are struggling with is the same struggle that I have right now.
Is it okay to be “done” – to cash in the chips and say fu*k it – I’m done.
I think the answer is YES BUT first you must define done.
Business is slower than it use to be and Im afraid of losing everything
Well then what are you doing about it? Focus your energies here and not on YOUR H. As for the fear of losing everything. If you do everything you can and still lose everything maybe it was not meant to be. Have confidence in yourself that you will be able to make it through whatever trials come your way.
Fear can only CONTROL you if YOU let it!
Im afraid of letting go and giving up. To me to let go means to completely give up any hope. That would be the only way I could move on with my life. That, I am afraid of.
Maybe that is the struggle for both of us. That constant push/pull of CONTROL. Guess what? More and more I realize that we must just “be”. Just live our lifes. Not afraid to make a mistake, not afraid of what someone else thinks of us, not afraid of what our S’s will say..NO – fuc* dat! Just live life the best way we can. Go with the natural flow of life. Will it always be a bed of roses? I suspect not BUT holding on to something that is broken, does not want to be held, and maybe cannot be fixed – how is that any less stressful.
What if I stay just a little longer...what if I give up just before my prayers are answered? What if everything would have been ok if I just gave it more time?
What if….
Could of….
Should of….
I too have struggled with this! Kissak, ya can’t live in the past. You cannot redo what has already been done. You cannot go thru 1,000,0000 different scenarios – just can’t. You may hold on as long as you want. Question is….what are you holding on to. Fear or your M? What really are you holding on to?
Im afraid of being with someone else
Then don’t. Who says you have to be with someone else RIGHT NOW?
More life lessons for me….some that I am learning the hard way.
1) It is okay to be alone.
2) You may not have a chit eating grin on your face all day every day when you are alone BUT there are some positives.
3) Really, we do NOT NEED anyone is our lives. Is it nice to have someone in them. Yes. BUT NEED and WANT are too different things.
Im afraid of never being able to love someone else.
Wow – I actually have even questioned my ability to truly LOVE. I am beginning to understand that Love as I had come to know it was flawed with my W. True love is something that I am beginning to understand much better. Does this mean that I do not love my W. No – on the contrary. I think I love her more now. You should not be afraid that you will not be able to love someone. IMO, you need to fall in love with YOU first. You need to feel confident about what you bring to any R, confident in who you are.
Kissak – thank you for sharing your fears with me.
The only real advice I can give you is this – Face them….
Some of them you have already faced
Now it is time for the real Kissak to come out.
Remove the mask, face the fear, spread your wings and
Fly……..
God Bless,
Eric
What is more important – money OR happiness?
I choose happiness. I know God will give me everything I need. Even if I didnt have the best car or house, I know I would have some place to go and something way to get around. But the fear is still there to lose it. BUT I am trying to find ways to bring in extra income. Working on it at my Business too. I have a good business that has been going for over 10 years now...but the economy has hit hard, combined with when my H left...its been hard to get out of the hole Im in, but Im trying!
Im afraid of being with someone else
Then don’t.
Who says you have to be with someone else RIGHT NOW?
I actually sorta enjoyed the single thing to a point. Actually the Living alone, just me and the kids was alot less stressful...but it would be nice to have someone to spend time with.
Kissak – thank you for sharing your fears with me.
Your welcome
Remove the mask, face the fear, spread your wings and
Fly……..
Thank you. Thank you for helping me realize that the fear I have are fears that others can have as well. That Im not crazy for how I think about things.
IMO, you need to fall in love with YOU first. You need to feel confident about what you bring to any R, confident in who you are.
Nail on the head, Eric!! I've been here almost 3 years and still struggling with how.....but KNOW this HAS to happen!
Di an a mo
Ok, soooo, I sent my H that article on sexual desire. Its a pretty good read. First though I asked him would he read it if I sent it to him. He is always asking what I think, and this just about sums it up for me. He said he would read it. Then said he read part of it, for me to print it out because it was too much to read on his phone...so who knows. Maybe he will read it and learn something or maybe he wont care and will not learn a thing...which means he really isnt serious at all and is NOT in the marriage.
It was worth it to me. Makes me feel better anyway.
If you are at all concerned about your H digging a bit and finding you on this site, I would recommend that when you print the article to read that you do your best to keep any reference to DB and this website off of the print out (i.e. copy and paste??).......
oh...i did...copy and paste
He has no idea, and Im almost certain he would never go look...I will be completely surprised if he reads the entire article even.
Kissak,
which means he really isnt serious at all and is NOT in the marriage.
He probably is NOT …at least right NOW.
I sent my H that article on sexual desire. Its a pretty good read. First though I asked him would he read it if I sent it to him. He is always asking what I think, and this just about sums it up for me. He said he would read it. Then said he read part of it, for me to print it out because it was too much to read on his phone...so who knows. Maybe he will read it and learn something or maybe he won’t care and will not learn a thing...
You know Kissak, I often read posts about men like your H who are in their own crisis and cannot see, understand or even hear what their wife’s are telling them. Since I used to be one of them; I have to be honest with you and tell you that sometimes these post hurt. However; having been a self center, selfish bastar* I do have some insight into what YOUR H
may be thinking.
Notice I say may. Every person is different Kissak so please take what I say with a grain of salt.
As I read your post the first thing that stuck out at me is just how hard YOU are trying to save your M. You are doing everything you can. I see it. I can even feel it in your post. The unfortunate thing IMO, is that YOUR H cannot see anything that you are trying to show him. Why can’t he see it? He is miserable with himself AND NOTHING YOU DO will snap him out of it. NOTHING. You see right now, YOU and the M are NOT making HIM happy. AND by YOU pointing OUT that he has a problem, well in his eyes you are blaming him for BEING UNHAPPY and again, in HIS mind….YOU are reason for his unhappiness. So believe it or not, you may be doing more harm than good.
Here is the thing, by continuing to allow HIM to do whatever he wants, he is losing respect for YOU. In his mind YOU NEED HIM. In his mind, you are too weak to do anything about it. In his mind, he runs chit! It’s what he says NOT what YOU say. I am sorry if this is coming across as brutal – and I hope this does not hurt you. I am just giving you my honest thoughts on what MAY be going through your H’s head. Right NOW this is about HIM.
Does this mean that it is over that the M is over?
No – not by a long shot – kinda off. The old M must really die Kissak. The old M and YOUR role in it must die. You must find your strength. YOU must find YOU in this process Kissak.
Does this mean that he cannot change? ABSOULTELY NOT. I am living breathing proof, at least in my eyes…that anyone who cares to challenge themselves can do the work and change! That a man can come out of an MLC different. SO IMO, he can change. The bigger question….is can YOU wait it out? Can you outlast it? FTR, it is okay if you say NO. It really is. What is not okay is NOT living YOUR life.
Does this mean that you should STOP trying to fix him?
Yes.
You can send him every cut out article on M, on sex, on abusive R’s, on healthy R’s, on just about anything. He probably will not care. It is about HIM – not YOU. His sexual needs are about HIM – NOT YOU. His emotional needs are about HIM – NOT YOU. So…what is Kissak suppose to do?
Live life sweetie.
Live it.
Go read some of the other women posters who are just living their lives. Do they also stuggle? I suspect Yes…but they are no longer looking at their H’s. They are no longer worried about what their H’s think of them, of how they are living their lifes. No they are just living the best way they can.
I know you are struggling with fear and FTR, so am I. It is a normal part of the process. So……
Let’s me and you rip down the mask, face our fuc*ing fear head on. Let’s show the world what you, I and every LBS that is standing or NOT...made of.
Let us remind each other that We Matter! That We are strong! That We kick as*
Kissak – stop looking at YOUR H. Stop it now! Cut his as* lose. And IF he trys anything in the bed room – make sure you allow WHAT YOU want to ALLOW! Make it about YOU sweetie. Fuc* that – make it about YOU>>>>>
In closing, I have one question for you…
What is tomorrow gonna be about for YOU?
God Bless,
Eric
Thanks Eric...you make me wanna kick myself sometimes for how I think or what I do lol
I know what you say is probably true. Honestly I thought it before hand...that me sending him that article probably would do nothing but make things worse...but really, how can they get any worse? But you are right...everything you said about what he is probably thinking may be true.
What I cant get past is he is always asking me "what you thinking" OK, what im thinking is that im tired of you blaming me for everything!!! Take a good look at yourself!!!! I am NOT the one making YOU unhappy!! YOU are making yourself unhappy!! When are YOU gonna get that I can not and will not ever make you happy?? That is YOUR JOB!!!!! UGHHHH
And nothing you said Eric hurt...sometimes I need to hear it.
I will take the print out home. I will not give it to him unless he asks...if he is interested he will ask..if he isnt interested, well then he wont ask and I wont bring it up. That will be that. BUT it was something I had to do for me because he keeps asking what im thinking. Its sometime easier for me to use other peoples words to describe how im feeling than using my own...my words dont always come out the way I want them. DOes that make sense?
In closing, I have one question for you…
What is tomorrow gonna be about for YOU?
Lol...well, taking care of the kids and working
and worrying only about ME!
What I cant get past is he is always asking me
1) You do not always have to answer it and
2) Sometime you can tell him how you feel
my words dont always come out the way I want them. DOes that make sense?
Make sense to me – just remember YOUR words may mean something different to him and at the end of the day, it is YOUR actions that matter most.
and worrying only about ME!
Good.
K,
I see a lot of myself in your postings. I know exactly how you feel and yes, you give and give and give, and he doesn't meet you half way. They say that they will help and things will be different, but they are empty promises while in mlc. They say what they think we want to hear.
Of course you are tired. Look at all you do. It's any wonder that you are tired and your sex drive isn't up to jumping in the sack all of the time. You've had and still have a lot on your plate. What does he have? Texting you every few minutes wanting to know what you are thinking and thinking of ways to drag you down. Sometimes, I think he's trying to get you to pull the trigger and tell him to leave.
K, I've been right where you are now and yes, I had a lot of the same fears that you have expressed. But, you know what? Once I made up my mind to live my life to the fullest and be happy w/myself, a lot of the stress went away and I was finally able to drop the rope and leave him be.
K, it's time to live your life to the fullest. Whatever the outcome...you are going to be okay.
Thanks Eric and Snodderly....
Well, you were right about the article. He did ask for it last night when he got home. He read it, then wanted ME to come read it to him so we could discuss it. He was a little insulted that I want him to do nice things for me...actually to him it came across as "you want me to kiss your butt all day so I can get sex at night?" SO, he didnt see my side at all. He saw it the way he wanted to. We had a long discusion about it, which he tells me this morning that he thought it was a good discussion, just that nothing was resolved. I have a feeling that if I had sat there and agreed with everything he said, that would have been the resolving he was talking about.
Anyway, he did tell me what his therapist asks him everytime he goes...she asks "how is the fire burning today"..he said his answer has always been "smoldering". Also discussed with me how he had felt mislead back when he first came home...that I had told him he could move in after the holidays, but it was March before I let him move all his stuff back in...yet he had been practially staying there most nights anyway...I just hadnt said "ok, move back now". Im confused to how I mislead him. I was only being careful...then after he said that he also said "well, I know you werent misleading me, but that's how I felt."
Ugh. Im fighting with myself this morning. My head is saying "your done, he isnt going to change at all, he doesnt love you, its never going to work"...then that stupid little voice in the back of my head keeps whispering "just do this one more thing, maybe he will want you then".
Why wont that stupid little voice just shut up already???
Maybe he keeps asking me what IM thinking hoping that maybe I will say "its over".
Well, it just might be time....if I could drown out that whisper.
Time for ME today. I want to take my kids to the fair tonight. I have lots to do at work today. I will not let my H bother me...although he has already started with the "what u thinking today". I just told him that I werent really thinking about anything right that minute.
Kissak,
then wanted ME to come read it to him so we could discuss it.
Why couldn’t he read it himself. IMO, this is a sign of power.
He was a little insulted that I want him to do nice things for me
Well he would be in his MLC frame of mind right now. Like I said…do you think that anything you say will snap him out of it? Psstt….the answer starts with the letter N and ends with an O.
...actually to him it came across as "you want me to kiss your butt all day so I can get sex at night?"
Personally – you need to cut him off in the bed room. You do not have to tolerate his bull. Really, do you think sleeping with him is gonna slap him out of this? Hey, look if you can take it emotionally, then hell I say go for it BUT really what I see in your post is that this is slowly eating at your self-respect.
SO, he didnt see my side at all. He saw it the way he wanted to.
MLC….please repeat after me….”my H is in a crisis – nothing I say will snap his as* out of it”…then repeat again 10 x’s.
We had a long discusion about it, which he tells me this morning that he thought it was a good discussion, just that nothing was resolved.
Nothing will be resolved for HIM unless you do as YOUR told! Seriously Kissak, you should know by now that he is in lala land.
I have a feeling that if I had sat there and agreed with everything he said, that would have been the resolving he was talking about.
Hey…if everyone agrees with everything I say –I’d never have any problems. Kinda of a childish way to think – right? Oh…that’s right he is in a crisis and is acting like a child.
Also discussed with me how he had felt mislead back when he first came home...that I had told him he could move in after the holidays, but it was March before I let him move all his stuff back in...yet he had been practially staying there most nights anyway...I just hadnt said "ok, move back now". Im confused to how I mislead him. I was only being careful...then after he said that he also said "well, I know you werent misleading me, but that's how I felt."
These are HIS feelings and right now this is really how HE feels. Once again, nothing you can do about it. As for you confusion – why are you confused? Oh let me see, you must still be thinking that he is in his right mind right now. He’s not. Confusion = MLC (nickel to someone).
Ugh. Im fighting with myself this morning. My head is saying "your done, he isnt going to change at all, he doesnt love you, its never going to work"...then that stupid little voice in the back of my head keeps whispering "just do this one more thing, maybe he will want you then".
Why wont that stupid little voice just shut up already???
IMO, that stupid little voice is telling you your NOT done. The question is really done with “what”. The M? Your H? Actually, IMO, your not done facing your fears and becoming the person that YOU always wanted to be. When you get to the point…you’ll just know…and at that point your done. Done with your M and ready to take on a new R, which could very well be with YOUR H.
You are still so attached to him and his actions towards you. What he does, what he says, if he wants sex, if he doesn’t want sex. Kissak, sorry to say…but F*ck HIM right now. Really just focus all of you energy on YOU. Live life. You want to go out – make arrangements. Don’t count on him for anything. I am not saying be a beotch no – but stop letting him control aspects of YOUR life.
Maybe he keeps asking me what IM thinking hoping that maybe I will say "its over".
You may be right. Most of the time they cannot pull the plug and they want you to do it to save them the grief of having to be RESPONSIBLE for their choices.
Well, it just might be time....if I could drown out that whisper.
Come’s a time when the whisper changes…..it may start saying…..”fly kissak”….go live kissak – I have the same whisper, except mine says “the force is with you young skywalker” – LOL – just kidding.
Hope you are enjoying your day with the kids.
God Bless,
Eric
Eric,
I couldn't have said it better. Honey, it's time to drop that rope and let him smolder. Nothing you say or do will be what he wants right now. You are slowly killing yourself trying to find the right way to handle this situation.
K, how can you even think of sex, much less enjoy it when you have all of this being dumped on you? You can't. Take care of you....you are a very important person and we all want to see you heal and become whole again. Please do not allow him to control or manipulate you. I'm worried about you.
1) It is okay to be alone.
This idea kept me stuck for a long time. We are not alone ... after we are formally separated or divorced we're single.
How can you be alone when you have gorgeous family and fantastic children and amazing friends? There's a big difference between being alone and single and it's an important one to get your head around as you begin to heal from this amazing journey!
1) It is okay to be alone.
How can you be alone when you have gorgeous family and fantastic children and amazing friends? There's a big difference between being alone and single
Such an importance difference to point out!
Thanks for the reminder
PEI
Why couldn’t he read it himself. IMO, this is a sign of power.
He read it first...then asked me to read it to him. Stupid I know, but I did it anyway.
We had a long discusion about it, which he tells me this morning that he thought it was a good discussion, just that nothing was resolved.
Nothing will be resolved for HIM unless you do as YOUR told! Seriously Kissak, you should know by now that he is in lala land.
Yes, I know he is in LALA land...and I know that he would be happy as everything if I did as told and agreed with everything he said. Youre right, childish...acting like a child...in crisis.
These are HIS feelings and right now this is really how HE feels. Once again, nothing you can do about it. As for you confusion – why are you confused? Oh let me see, you must still be thinking that he is in his right mind right now. He’s not. Confusion = MLC (nickel to someone).
Youre right.
Hope you are enjoying your day with the kids.
I did enjoy my time with the kids. We went to the fair. Just the 3 of us. Had a great time!!
1) It is okay to be alone.
How can you be alone when you have gorgeous family and fantastic children and amazing friends? There's a big difference between being alone and single
Such an importance difference to point out!
Thanks for the reminder
PEI
Thanks for reminding me of the difference
I do have the best family and friends ever!!!
Eric,
K, how can you even think of sex, much less enjoy it when you have all of this being dumped on you? You can't. Take care of you....you are a very important person and we all want to see you heal and become whole again. Please do not allow him to control or manipulate you. I'm worried about you.
Thank you for worrying about me. The thing is sex has been about the only thing holding us together over the last 4 years...I guess its just difficult cutting that last little thread.
Kissak
The thing is sex has been about the only thing holding us together over the last 4 years...I guess its just difficult cutting that last little thread.
Is it really just the sex? Think about this....or is it something deeper.
Only you know the answer.
These answer come with a strong sence of self...
It is in YOU...Kissak...
Don't be afraid to look at it.
Don't be afraid to take a stand for YOU.
Don't be afraid to make a choice or NOT to make a choice.
Eric
well, its been the only connection I should say. Maybe I just still want to be wanted by him in some way, and this seems the only way now.
Digging and still thinking.....
Digging and still thinking
Dig as long as it takes....
Find your answer - they really are in YOU.
Don't be afraid...
And ftr, I'm gonna keep telling you this.
WEll today has been a busy day for me...which is good for helping me keep my mind off of things.
H will not be home tonight. He is going to a funeral visitation for a friend of his. He did act a little more less mean to me yesterday. Got a hug when he went to work, and then last night when he went to a meeting. He offered the hugs I didnt ask for them. Which was nice for a change.
But dreading the weekend. They are always tougher because we are around each other more. BUT he does have a funeral this weekend, plus he has to work and I have plans also, so maybe it will be peaceful.
Hope everyone has a good weekend!
K,
Enjoy your weekend. Do something for yourself.
Thanks Snodderly
I did.
WELL, everyone.....I did something some of you may not agree with, but I snooped. Was able to see my H's fb emails without him knowing about it. All my suspisions have been confirmed. The emails were full of different women that he texts and emails...lots of miss u's, lots of proof of affairs with married women...all of this before and since October of last year when he asked to come back home. Every thing makes so much sense to me now. I can not and will NOT put up with this. Now the hard part is confonting him with it....but it has to be done. I will never and can never trust him. He definitely has a problem.
I saw lots of "are you mad at me's, why wont you talk to me's, asking people if he can help with their problems....even one saying she would be with him if he werent married?????? ok....?? and sooo much other crap!! Im disgusted with him.
Its done for me. Over. Im trying to cool off before I confront him, so it definitely wont be tonight....I will not do this while I am steaming mad. Its been all I can do not to blow up at him today. I dont even wanna look at him. I have to make arrangments for my children to not be around too.
Any ideas on the best way to handle this?
first pray
stop and breathe
i only read the most recent but sweets you have been here you know what to do.
but kissak it is up to you -- the roller coaster all of it.... you have to step off of it.
he IS going to be angry
he IS going to turn it on you and tell you you had no right.
do NOT do ANYTHING emotionally.
when you DO address him do NOT have your kids around.
do you have anyone there that you can talk to?
Yes Cagz...I have someone to talk to. She is helping me to keep my cool.
It will be hard to never do this emotionally, but Im not really worried about what he will think, if he wants to turn it around on me, well, go ahead. Im no longer concerned what this man thinks. BUt I will cool off first. I will be calm.
I honestly believe all his sleepless nights lately are a result of having to keep all his lies straight!
I have thought about what to tell my kids....honestly I will keep it simple as can be and they will never know anything other than their dad and I cant live together.
Have found out that my H came back home basically because this new OW didnt want him a year ago...now she misses him. He is the best thing that ever happened to her....wonder if she knows exactly how many other women he has said the same stuff to all while being with me?
He is a sex addict.
I feel like such a fool. But I thank God that he allowed this to happen.
Kissak
Do not feel like a fool!
As for the confrontation….sit still for a day or two and really calm down.
I am not going to try and talk you out of doing what you need to do. What I want you to think about is HOW you will do it.
Your angry and hurt and now your true healing must begin AND please do not do anything rash. Ok?
Do me a favor and post what you would like to say to your H.
Post it here first BEFORE you say it.
Eric
WEll...honestly he is texting me wanting to know whats Im thinking this morning and all I can think to say is....Im thinking your gonna find all your stuff on the front porch when you get home today...its over. Then just leave it at that. I will then go to the CS office and get that restarted...then go and file separation papers.
Trust me, I have thought of contacting all these other women who have been fooled by him...but what good will that do? I can see exactly how he manipulated me when we were together...he is doing the same thing to these vulnerable women. They are all women who are in bad relationships or just coming out of one. Its like he is praying on them.
Sleeping with married women too. DOing this all while telling me he wants to come home!! Telling all of them he loves them!!! Im sick. BUt Im calm now. YEsterday was a different story. I tried to stay away from him as much as possible.
HE is going to be furious. BUT I dont care.
I would rather do this by text. I could never confront him with this. I wouldnt be able to do so without tears...and I dont want him to see that.
My prayers are with you....so soory it has come to this in your stand.....thinking of you and praying for you today....IRMA
Thank you.
Im sorry it has come to this too. It makes me sad, but I will be ok.
I'm so sorry that you've been bombed all over again, Kissak. I am glad, though, that you can now see clearly why he has been treating you so unacceptably poorly. I agree, all the anger, restlessness and "what are you thinkings" are manifestations of his own guilt.
I'd suggest that when you confront him, have your friend there to keep things from getting out of hand--your H seems to be very angry at the moment. Also, as you fear, he will try to make YOU look bad. The best way to avoid this is to stick to one statement, and keep repeating it as often as necessary. (Perhaps, "Please leave this house as I can no longer tolerate being in a relationship with an adulterer.")
If you argue with him, or defend yourself, or yell at him, or tell him what proof you've got, or engage with him in any other way, then he can rationalize that you are being angry or unreasonable or misinformed, or whatever he wants. Just like all the other times when he had you doubting yourself, he will twist the truth. By sticking to a single statement, you turn the focus back on him, and you remain strong and don't get waylaid from your primary truth: he needs to leave.
As the others have suggested, don't say anything to him until you feel strong enough to do it calmly, and you have organized anything you need to do before hand. And you're right not to try to contact the other women: if they're damaged enough to fall for him in his state, they can blind themselves to anything they don't want to see/hear.
Stay strong, Kissak.
Thank you Cyrena.
I have thought about having a friend there when I say something if i go that way...not sure yet.
Kissak
If you are going to confront your H you have recieved some very good "emotional advice". I would aslo suggest the following:
1) Consult with a L - BEFORE you confront your H
2) Think about how you see the custody sitch working? What do YOU want? How will this work? What is best for the KIDS?
3) I would avoide mentioning the evidence that you have. If your state is a no fault state (like mine), the one must show that an A is the cause of the failure of the M. Do not share anything with him.
4) Sit down and figure out what YOU need to maitain yourself and the kids. Get specific.
5) Lock yourself away in prayer for a while to center yourself.
6) Once the anger subsides, you will need to ask yourself that question...DO you still want this? It is okay to want to remain married to this man. It really is.
Kissak - think of your boundaries...think of YOU..THis is really time for YOU.
Eric
K,
Don't do anything until you've had some time to calm down and get your emotions in check.
I would sit down and discuss the situation w/him..just the two of you. You do not want to involve anyone else in this situation right now. Remain calm, no matter what.
Do not share w/him the evidence you have discovered. You must keep this information to yourself just in case you need to pull it out again for proof. In fact...any way you can print the information off?
He's going the go off and blame everything on you, the situation and the world, but do not get sucked into his drama. State your facts, set your boundaries and go from there.
I'll be praying for you.
K -
I am so sorry you have going through this - sexual addiction is insidious. The Carnes books have been very helpful to me. I agree with Snodderly - center yourself first to ensure your own strength through the situation.
Definitely praying for you.
kissak snodderly is right.
stick to your guns ..
i am so very sorry you are hurting.
Thanks to all of you. But I have had my enough. The emails were too much. I could not stand to be around him anymore. He is gone. I told him to leave. I packed his things and told him to find somewhere else to stay.
This will never work as long as he has the need for sexual attention from other women.
Weird though, what you thought would have happened didnt. He was in shock when I told him. I sent it in a text. He wanted to talk. He got off work and tried his hardest to find me. I avoided him for the most part. Told him I had had enough and I deserved to be treated with respect as his wife.
Of course he begged me not to throw him out on the street. He begged me to do this a different way. I did tell him what I had found. Of course he had an excuse for most of it...but admitted to a few lies...then starts blaming himself. He hasnt blamed me yet. He said it was all his fault. That he has problems. He needs help. He isnt a happy person. He NEEDS that attention from other women to make him feel better. HE was selfish and irresponsible. He is sorry he hurt me. He even wanted me to just cuss him out...
It hurt me alot to do this. But Im being honest with myself now...it was never going to work. HE had no respect for me and I had lost all respect for him. I trusted him not to hurt me again...and he did. He lied, he wants me to believe he is telling me the truth now about everything, but I cant. I want too, but I just cant. I can not live with him like this and I told him that as long as this was who he was going to be, it wasnt going to work.
I told him that IM sure he could find some place to stay tonight, that he seemed to have plenty of friends and if any of them were his true friends they would help him....then he said that was just it...he didnt have any true friends. That I was for the most part his only true friend. I dont know if he was looking a pity party or what.
Im standing my ground. I have changed the locks, told him I dont want to see him. He isnt begging me to take him back, just for a place to stay.
He needs to figure out why he is like this. He needs to find his happiness and figure out that he is in charge of making himself happy, that depending on others for it will only let you down, because people will let you down. Im only there to share in HIS happiness, but if he cant find it, he will never be happy.
Im so sad for him. Im sad for me. This is hard. BUT this is the decision I have made for me and my children and I have to deal with it. God is with me.
My kids are taking it better than I thought. My daughter is relieved he is gone. My son, well he is missing him, but understands that he cant be there. They have felt the tension as well. My daughter told me she hated her daddy so much the other night...well, she shouldnt, but that is how she is feeling right now.
We will all be ok. Trying to fight back the tears today. But for the first time this morning i woke up feeling better.
I may not have gone about this the way some of you would have, but I have to stand up for me. If I keep letting him treat me this way, well, then I have NO respect for myself.
Pray for me...I need it today.
(((K))) If you are finding peace, you have done the right thing----and I think you are. YOU are more important than saving your M at all costs, and I think you were losing YOU. It's ok to release the floodgates - it's ok to grieve. YOU can do this!
Thank you. I do have peace...yet I still question if what I did was right, then I keep reminding myself of WHY I did it. THen I feel peace again.
The floodgates are about to break....just reading that made me tear up. I will save that for when Im alone and not working. I about lost it this morning because my H asked to come by and get something out of one of his vehicles...All I said was "NOW?" he got it and was gone before He said anythinge else, but just seeing his truck pull up into my driveway hit me...I was about to blow when the phone rang and it was my friend reassuring me that I did the right thing and it was gonna be ok.
I love my friends.
Kissak
Only you know if you did the right thing.
My only advice would be to simmer down before you do anything else. Not so much for him but for you.
Your hurt right now and really angry. IMO, the peace you feel right now is due to YOU making a decision for YOU. Once again, is it the right one - time will tell. I believe that right now it was the right decision to ask him to leave. I believe that right now you need to really focus on just you and kids. Healing yourselves, learning more about yourself, finding your strength and really just being the true Kissak.
My other advice would be to not sin in your anger. Many times when we are hurt we want to strike back at the person that hurt us. Yes we "feel" better after the initial response but then afterwards we begin to question and challenge what we did and said. Please do not make that mistake. I am not suggesting standing, divorcing...my only suggestion is healing.
Your H has some issues that he needs to deal with. Can he deal with them - only time will tell...only time will tell. Personally, i believe that all of us have the ability to change to grow it is up to each of US to take that step. You have just taken your first step...a step whereby you stood up for YOURSELF and your beliefs and what you want in your life.
The next steps will be harder Kissak - i sh!t you not - the next steps are looking at Kissak and I mean really looking at Kissak.
Take some time and cool off, then Kissak take your next step!
What you may see inside yourself may hurt, may inspire, what I am sure it will do is show YOU.....Kissak....
And
That
Is the gift that you give yourself!
Never strive for perfection....strive to be the real Kissak - no mask, no nothing...just you.
God Bless,
Eric
Thank you Eric...I do strive to be myself everyday. Trying harder now than ever.
I wont be making any more decisions right now about anything, just taking care of me. Funny, my H asked me last night if he had to fear for his life, or anybody beating him up, had I taken out revenge on him....I was seeking revenge at all. OF course thoughts did go through my head of what I could do, but Im not like that. I did feel bad about throwing him out on the street, but he has to learn that he needs to live with the consequences of his actions.
I was cooled off before I did anything. Yes, Im still angry and I still doubt myself, but I know deep down I did what was right for me. Still hurts though. After holding on for sooo long, it hurts.
But time for the healing to begin. H has been left to deal with his choices and what he has lost. In time I believe he may see that...maybe years, but I think he will see it. I know change wont happen over night with him, he may say he needs help, but does he really believe it deep down?? He needs to dig just as deep as I do.
Thank you Eric...I appreciate your thoughts and help, as do I appreciate all my friends here. I have the best support line on here and also with my friends and family on the outside....I love them all and they all support me 100%....even my inlaws support me and that says alot.
That was supposed to say I WAS NOT seeking revenge at all! It wont let me edit today.
Just got an emaill from my sister in law today. She informed me that my H went to talk to her mom (his stepmom) about staying in their camper again (where he stayed before). She also said that she told him that he needed to grow up and if this made our daughter start pulling her hair out again his a$$ was grass! They said they stood by my decision and that I did the right thing. That if I needed anything they would be there for me and the kids.
Kissak
Your welcome BUT really YOU are doing this. You are making the choices. You are living your life.
You are correct that your H needs to do some serious work and you do as well.
As a man and former ch!thead H I can tell you that your H may come crawling back claiming change, claiming he has done the work. IMO, this becomes a very fine line that you MAY have to walk. How can you still show him some "hope" (assuming it is what you still want) yet not allow YOUR own in securities push you into a decision one way or another.
This could end up being a rocky road for you for a while especially if your H finally comes to the realization that he needs to do the work on himself and begins the process. I guess my point is this...
In your anger NEVER underestimate the human spirit and commitment that a person can make to change, when they finally reach "that" point.
Never - there are many examples of LBS's that have made significant changes in there life on these boards. If they can do it so can your H.
Whatever you decide and whenever you decide - make sure that you are at peace with your choice.
Finally, life is fluid, it flows and it changes! Change can be take place on many things....
People
Homes
Jobs
And
Even marriages! You can decide your done today, tomorrow, next year and you change your mind the very next day. Why?
Cause it is YOUR life Kissak!
Now go live it to the fullest and see where you want your life to go.
Eric
Hi Kissak,
Just caught up with the last few pages in your sitch.....I know that this took a lot of strength to do what you did...If it's any help I will add that I would have done the same thing...
MLC or not I couldn't tolerate what he did. You reclaimed your dignity...good for you...now the ball is in his court....can he ever become the man you deserve? Only time will tell.
I know it's hard right now...but you have a rare inner strength....that strength allowed you to endure this for so long...use it now to heal you, to help you move forward.
My thoughts are with you...you are a very special lady...you will be OK.
(((hugs)))
Mila
Thank you Eric. You are right. People can change and I can change my mind at any time. I would never say never.
Honestly I dont know that I could ever trust him again. It would take alot and I do mean alot of openess on his side. He is a very lost soul right now. I pray for him every day. I still love him. I still will treat him with kindness because that is who I am and he deserves kindness. Some people find that hard to believe, but he is just human. We all make mistakes in this life. He is a good man and has a good heart and I can trust him with anything, other than at being faithful. And that is what I need, want and deserve.
Thank you Mila...it did take alot of strength for me to do this. I just think I was afraid to let go. Right now, honestly I feel so relieved, so much better...I cant explain it really. Its not like before when he left me...I wake up and it actually takes me a minute to think "oh, wait he dont live here anymore". That hole isnt quite as big in my heart as before.
I feel good about this step. I know he has a problem and it werent with me! Maybe before I always thought it was me.
Im having a good morning. Im sure at some point though it will hit me again and I will just have to remember to think good thoughts...
It is tough to live in the limbo that you have been living in. You deserve much better. You have to let him go completely for now. Cut off all contact and protect yourself legally. You know that you have done everything possible that you could have to save the marriage. He is making choices, bad choices but he is still responsible for them. You have to step back, love yourself and those children.
Hugs Trusting
Thank you
Kissak,
This ^^^^ is a good mindset to have
Honestly I dont know that I could ever trust him again. It would take alot and I do mean alot of openess on his side.
1) You will be amazed at what YOU can do after healing.
2) To me, at some point it is less about TRUSTING HIM and MORE about TRUSTING YOURSELF. Trusting YOURSELF to make the right choices for YOU.
3) Openess/transparency and honesty are the building blocks to true healthy R’s. In time these things can happen BUT first Kissak, you must heal.
He is a very lost soul right now.
Yes he IS and HE may be for a very long time. At this point his issues are HIS to deal with.
I pray for him every day.
Good – just don’t forget to pray for YOURSELF and for others - count me in that mix 
You probably always will. As hard as it is, separate the recent difficulties in your M from the good times and really give thanks for what was. The bad stuff…let it go the best way you can.
I still will treat him with kindness because that is who I am and he deserves kindness.
We all deserve kindness. This does not mean be a doormat, it simply means that you show love to all. Love can be shown in many ways…one way is to let go.
Some people find that hard to believe,
Fu*k what anyone else says….It is what YOU think that matters. What you feel in YOUR heart that matters. One of my fav sayings…..”opinions are like as*holes, everybodies got one”. The only opinion that matters is YOURS Kissak.
but he is just human. We all make mistakes in this life. He is a good man and has a good heart and I can trust him with anything, other than at being faithful.
We are all human. All faulty human beings. No on is perfect and honestly, IMO, we should never strive to be perfect. Just whole and healthy people. Your H has made mistakes as have you. I pray that YOU will continue to come to these boards and post about YOU. About the realizations that YOU are having about YOURSELF.
And that is what I need, want and deserve.
Yes you do. You deserve all the happiness in the world. We all do AND it is OUR responsibility to find this happiness.
I just think I was afraid to let go.
We always are afraid to let go. I think it is our human nature. Now that you have let go, I hope you realized that YOU just faced ONE of YOUR fears. You faced it and you are still standing. Remember this the next time fear rears it’s ugly head. You can face them Kissak, You can face anything, insecurities, job concerns, finances…anything can be faced – at the end of the day, it usually is HOW you look at things. One early DB lesson, “change how you look at it”. In your case, is this the end or a
NEW BEGINNING?
Right now, honestly I feel so relieved, so much better...I cant explain it really.
IMO, you feel relieved BECAUSE YOU made a CHOICE. YOU Faced YOUR fear and deep down inside you feel proud of yourself. Yes you are grieving and you are hurt BUT you stood up and said enough. FWIW, I am proud of you Kissak. Now you have more steps to take. What are they?
Maybe before I always thought it was me.
It funny how when you break the codependency habits and realize just how special you are, that things look different. Now, it’s really about YOU kissak. Now this is YOUR….
New Beginning – one that you write….
Remember – all of this, everything…
YOUR CHOICE!
Someone once said to me early on in this process that I decide when it is over. Do you understand now how all along, it was your decision.
It’s all YOU kissak – you got this girl!
God Bless,
Eric
They need a *like* button on this board. Trusting has just said it all.
It is difficult to cut off all contact when there are children involved but you can absolutely limit the contact to discussions about the children only.
I know you will take care of yourself because you know you must in order to be strong for your two cuties. You have grown so much and have a confidence about you that is to be proud of.
*hugs*
~ swl
OMG...stop it yall....youre gonna make me cry!!
Just kidding
(not really, I did tear up a little)
Thank you
you chose to step off the rollercoaster. .. big step my friend.. BIG ONE!! Now it is time to NOT think about him.. "if he is going to work on himself," or he needs help.. none of it matters.
it is time for YOU to GROW - find STABILITY and really really learn that you can do this.
Proud of you -- and thinking of you at this very hard time.
Thank you Cagz!
Im having a great past couple of days. Went with my son to OBX yesterday, had a great time!! Of course its always beautiful out there!
I find everytime I think about my H and HIS problems I make myself turn the focus on ME. I start thinking about me and thats a good thing.
I know that I just need to let my H go and let God deal with him...probably everytime in the past that God did decide to deal with him I decided to take things into my own hands and interfer! Well, not no more. Im still praying for him, but Im enjoying my life for now.
Its going to be a beautiful day here in the east....gonna enjoy the weekend with my kids and also have some "me" time!!!
I am glad your spirits are high. We really don't know what is going to happen in our lives. I believe we have to let go of the things in our lives that our toxic. Your ex is toxic right now. You are a wonderful, beautiful, person who has given this ride the best effort I have ever seen. Your ex has to let God heal him, not you.
I am so much more at peace then I ever was because of something someone said to me. She said you can still love your ex and hold him in your heart. That will never change and no one can take that away from you. Focus on all the wonderful memories and let him go. He may or may not want to return, but he is still in your heart.
Love Trusting
Thank you Trusting. That was beautifully said.
Youre right, he will always be in my heart. No matter how broken and toxic he is right now, I will always love him and the good memories we share and that will never change.
I have thought about different stuff lately. Someone asked me the other day what I would say to him if he wanted to come back. Well, I thought about it and I would tell him ~ Sure, if you want to come home and get rid of your cell phone and fb account and have all your emails open and read by me, have no privacy, let me know where you are every minute of the day and who you have every phone convo with...sure, if you think you can handle living like that, come on back...but no wait, I DONT WANT TO LIVE Like that so I would have to just say no then.
I spoke with a friend today whose daughter told her that years ago she said she felt sorry for me being married to him that he was nothing but a woman chaser and would cheat on me that she would never want to go out with him (he was after her too). I guess it just took me finally seeing what he is instead of giving him the benefit of doubt. My H has a deep issue with women and himself. He did tell me that he was open with his therapist the other day when he went. I asked did he tell her everything and he said yes....Im hoping he did and that she will help him...if he wants the help.
Still having a great day!!
I have to say also that my H has been alot nicer to me since i threw him out...maybe I have earned back a little respect from him finally standing up for myself
I have to say also that my H has been alot nicer to me since i threw him out...maybe I have earned back a little respect from him finally standing up for myself
As long as you respect yourself, it really doesn't matter why he is nicer.
Good to see you doing so well, kissak.
IMP
Well thank you IMP...so nice to hear from you...its been a while
Hope you are doing good!!! Miss your posts to me!
Soooo, last night I took my kids to a fall festival at a church in the area. Told my H about it of course because the kids had mentioned it to him.
Then after that I went out with my girlfriends to see a movie...well, i mentioned on fb that I was going out for some fun...
While I was in the movie I got 19 texts from my H wanting to know what i was doing for "fun" and then the rest were basically all about him being drunk and why was I being stuck up and not talking to him...just alot of drunk talk. I only answered the first 2 I got, they were the only ones worth answering...I ignored him the rest of the night. Funny, he didnt think to ask what I had done with the kids for the night...
anyway, today I havent heard from him at all. Maybe he went back and read all those stupid texts and now thinks how stupid HE was.
Ugh, this is really unattractive behaviour. Kinda hoping I dont run into him today...he said that he would be coming to get the rest of his things this afternoon...
You sound great Kissak.
All I can say is....
"You go girl"!
Keep living
Eric
Hi Kissak...you sound strong...I think that getting your self respect back gave you lots of new strength. You have done more to save this marriage then most, you have done everything you could...time to reclaim yourself.
I will second what Eric had said "You go girl"!
(((hugs)))
Thanks!
I am feeling great. I almost feel guilty about feeling so great about him not being there. I did have a low moment on Saturday night, but quickly got out of the house and went to my parents just to get out and let the moment pass.
He is having some moments as well. Sometimes Im not sure how to handle them. A few times I have gotten a text out of the blue, for no reason and they are not making sense. Like yesterday I got a text that said "i see, i see". Ok, so I said "ok, what do you see". What I got in return was "idk, just what was on my mind". I just decided to play stupid as well and said "oh, you have a mind with stuff in it??? lol" He said "idk" then he said "maybe I have lots on it"..I just replyed "i dunno". Guess he got the point that I didnt want to discuss his mind..and he said "nevermind".
Weird. Can I expect any different though?? lol
Im good, I just try not to let thoughts of him take over me. I quickly focus on something else.
You sound good girlfriend!
Did you finish Co-dependant No More? Remember that you don't have to engage in every weird text convo he tries to start. Try to be the one who ends the convo or leaves him hanging every once in a while.
Good for you for getting out Saturday night.
Peace
PEI
Thanks PEI...I did finish the book, but I want to go back and read it again. I do try to handle the text conversations differently now...before I would have continued on after he said nevermind and try to get it out of him, like im sure he wanted me to do.
Still working on it...Its weird, I have seen him several times over the last week and I really feel nothing when I see him. I dont want him to stick around or give him a hug to make me feel better, I just want him to leave as quickly as he can.
I still fight with the thoughts of him being with Other women. I try to just remind myself of how he will treat her the same way...that he will not be faithful to anyone, that he will be someone elses problem...that kinda keeps me sane for now
Ok...trying not to let him get to me today....
He was off work, I didnt know it. He stopped by my work for something I was going to print for him. When he left I asked if he would call the CS office to have CS reinstated...he of course wanted ME to do it...ok, so I did. He also said that he wanted to talk about it first. I was like, Talk about WHAT? You are going to pay the same if not more than before!! Ugh...
Now I gotta go have it reinstated and start all over with a new application and then file a motion for an increase!
This crap sucks!!! He should have to do this ALL ON HIS OWN!!!
Ugh~
Ok, I think Im done venting for now.....
OK...Im having a moment....funny how sometimes It can just hit you. Guess Ihave been holding it in and now just need a minute to cry and get it out and continue on my day.
OK...Im having a moment....funny how sometimes It can just hit you. Guess Ihave been holding it in and now just need a minute to cry and get it out and continue on my day.
((((kissak))))
Take your time hon, then shake it off and get back up ....
PEI
Ok...so yesterday was a little tougher. Had to go sit at the child support office with my H. We met outside and talked over the amount of child support. H and I were both expecting it to go up since he makes more now. Also he has 2 part time jobs were he brings in right much money that the state doesnt consider in the income for his CS. So he agreed to give me $300 more a month. He said he would help me out however he could and would hope that i would do the same for him if we could.
We went into the office and talked with the CS agent. He kinda laughed at how well we were getting along with each other and made the statement "I dont understand why you 2 are in here needing this arrangement as good as you get along". Well,we neither one said anything. So he asks about the amount that H and i have agreed to, then he does the worksheet on it figuring out how much is required...turns out that H wouldnt really be required to give me any more than the last time...but they both looked at me and I said "I think what we agreed to is good"...H had a look that was hoping i would change my mind...but gotta look out after me and the kids. I tried not to laugh about it. Well then after all the paper work was done the CS agent then commented this ...." I have a feeling that i will see you 2 in here again, that this (meaning our marriage) wasnt over." H and I just looked at each other and I said "I dont think so". H said nothing.
See, we get along great. We are civil and friendly to one another, even in the CS office. It was funny to me though that the cs agent said that. Of course things can change alot in a year and I should never say never. I really wanted to tell the CS agent why we werent together this time...but something are better left unsaid.
H and I did discuss a few things that he still wanted from the house. I did make a comment to something he said about why we were there and all. I just said that I threw him out with good reason but that we werent going there today.
When we left I just walked to my truck and he said "what, no thank you or good bye?" As bad as i didnt want to, I walked over, gave him a halfhearted hug and said thank you and goodbye. I didnt want to feel ungrateful because he did pay more that he should, but gosh, I dont owe him anything after all this mess! But I bit my tongue and did the right thing.
So, thats one thing that is done and taking care of.
Now just waiting on the year separation for the divorce. I dont think we are going to waste money on separation papers. We havnt had them before so I think we are good with that. He did mention that he will keep me on his insurance till the end of next year which is good.
He still contacts me and calls or texts me everyday. He just cant let go. He calls me and is nicer to me than ever before when he actually lived here. Why couldnt he be nice and caring then?
Kissak,
Painful stuff you are going through AGAIN. Please remember to take care of yourself.
Kissak
See, we get along great. We are civil and friendly to one another,
So just be grateful that you can get along right now. Take it for what it is. A good civil relationship between two people that have kids.
but something are better left unsaid
Very good way of thinking. How often do we say actions speak louder than words. Add to that, that right now a lot of emotions are in the mix. You never want to react when you are angry or hurt. Kudos to you for sticking to this approach.
As bad as i didnt want to, I walked over, gave him a halfhearted hug and said thank you and goodbye.
This ^^^^ is some of that anger that you still have. It is normal. I will say I think you could have just said thank you and goodbye – JMO.
Is this ^^^ your problem? No. You worry about Kissak right now.
Why couldnt he be nice and caring then?
Ah…..this quote tells me that underneath all the anger and hurt is still some real love. I think that is a good thing. Remember, he may have wanted to be nice and caring but he just can’t. Not NOW and maybe NOT ever. For now, stop worrying and focusing on him and stay the course and focus on you. You Kissak have some serious healing to do. You healing should be YOUR first priority.
Chin up girl!
God Bless,
Eric
Thanks Trusting and Eric.
I do have some healing to do for sure. Yes I do still love him. Yes I am very angry at him. Im angry because of the lies and deceit, the manipulation and everything else. I want him to leave me alone, yet I dont want him to. Sometimes I find myself thinking about times he lied to me...and it makes me sooo mad! That happened this morning, but I decided that I would just go turn on some music to drown out all the thoughts at that time.
I feel at peace with my decision, but it still hurts alot. Im scared to take time to just break down, afraid I may get stuck there. Im really just ready to move on/forward. Trying to make some more new friends and just doing what I love.
Kissak
I do have some healing to do for sure.
Healing takes time…..sometime a long time…..IMO, it just happens and FTR, I also believe that the scares will remain forever. That is not to say that you will not learn how to deal…just that it really does take time.
Come to grips that you probably always WILL. Sometimes in our anger we want to “bury” it or try to kill it. IMO, that does not work. What does is when you accept that you will always love him and accept that YOUR M and YOU are not failures. Remember…absence does make the heart grow fonder BUT first….
Yes I am very angry at him.
…YOU will have to deal with this ^^^^
The reality is that YOU can choose to really try and let it go BUT only have to deal with it to some extent. Just remember, your not ALWAYS going to be angry. Ya can’t. Our bodies are really not built that way.
I want him to leave me alone
Can you remind me WHO DETACHMENT IS FOR. You want him to leave you alone because you realize that you hurt, your realize that you still have anger to deal with. DETACH and HEAL and the anger and emotions will settle down.
When you heal and release the anger you will find yourself in a much better a place a place where you can begin to explore why you feel……
Like this ^^^^
Im scared to take time to just break down, afraid I may get stuck there.
Not sure if you have ever read my post to others….but you need to face the fear. You will get “stuck” if you do not face them AND cry/breakdown. Remember the pain, hurt and anger MUST have a way to get out. If you do not, well then it will come out in other ways….like a verbal confrontation with your H, your kids….do not be afraid to let it out. Personally, I would advice that you write it down. You can post it here if you want or just write it down for YOU. Get it out Kissak and DO NOT BE AFRAID.
Im really just ready to move on/forward.
Why not change the way you look at this…say…
“I’m really just ready to HEAL, to GROW and to Let GO of the anger”…
That is moving forward…moving forward to a better place. A better place for YOU, for HIM and for YOUR kids.
Trying to make some more new friends and just doing what I love.
Good idea. My only comment would be watch out for the “friends with benefits”. Your esteem, ego and overall emotional well being have taken a huge hit and the tendency (although usually not planned per se) is to find the comfort with a “special” friend. Think of it this way….do you honestly believe that YOU are ready to give YOU and I mean all of YOU to someone else right now? Even if you feel you may or may not be ready, consider this….would it be fair to the friend of yourself to not give all of you.
I pray for your healing Kissak.
Your stronger than you think.
Right now, it is okay to be a little weak and tired. Cry and let it out….
God Bless,
Eric
Trying to make some more new friends and just doing what I love.
Good idea. My only comment would be watch out for the “friends with benefits”. Your esteem, ego and overall emotional well being have taken a huge hit and the tendency (although usually not planned per se) is to find the comfort with a “special” friend. Think of it this way….do you honestly believe that YOU are ready to give YOU and I mean all of YOU to someone else right now? Even if you feel you may or may not be ready, consider this….would it be fair to the friend of yourself to not give all of you.
Honestly I meant new women friends
If I want a friend with benefits I have my Husband because I know without a doubt he would be that kind of "friend" to me. Been there and done that over the last 4 years. I have promised myself that I will not fall into that trap with him again!!
Thank you Eric. I am taking in all that you say.
He is getting the kids this evening for a while. He actually offered to spend some time with them which I am glad for. He texted and asked me, I replyed "yes, thats fine". Then he asks if IM ok...I just replyed yes, because I was fine. Dont know why he asked. Anyway, he is picking them up here where I work and taking them out for dinner. So, I will have some time to myself this evening.
Kissak
Thank you Eric. I am taking in all that you say.
Your welcome. I'm just trying to pass along the lesson that I learned (most of the time the hard way).
Eric
Kissak - glad that your H is spending some time with the kids...enjoy your evening off
Soooo, not really thrilled about seeing 2 XXX flicks on my cable bill from last month....I texted H to let him know that I would NOT be paying for them. He agreed to pay, then tried to bait me into "talking" about them.
Ugh~ Issues.
My H sure does know how to manipulate me...or just how to get to me. WHY is he being so nice now?? Why will he stop and take the trash out now, want to bring me and the kids breakfast? Want to hug me??? Wishing for me to have a good day! UGH~ He is soooo ticking me off with his "nice" behaviour! Then he finally pulls the crap of wanting to sneak a peak, if you know what I mean...wanting sex! Ugh, ok, I threw his butt out because of that problem with other women and here he is doing it to me! And what I hated was that a part of me enjoyed him "wanting" me. BUT I told him NO way!
Now today he is wanting to know whats wrong with me, wanting me to talk to him, tell him whats up. All I have said is that there is nothing I feel like talking to him about. This is MY issue to deal with and i dont need his help at all. I just need for him to leave me alone!!
I had to just have a good cry last night. First good one i have had in 2 weeks. My gut told me yesterday that he was with someone. My daughter tried texting him yesterday and she said he wouldnt answer her. I just told her he was probably sleeping, but later he told her he had just left his phone in his truck. NOT likely, but ok it struck a nerve in me....I just cried and had to look into the mirror and tell myself "remember WHY you did what you did, why you threw him out in the first place, you deserve better"
Bad night for me, but I got it all out of my system for now. Hoping and praying for a good week!
Thanks for letting me vent!
Kissak - sorry you had a bad night
.
Your H sure has issues...after all he has done, he is asking you what's wrong?...and to have sex with him? He is trying to control you and manipulate you...hence his niceness....but it's not working....good for you.....
He needs to hit bottom and finally realize what he has done and what he is loosing before there is any chance that he will start facing his issues.
Hang in there hon (((hugs)))
Thank you Mila...you are right...he is manipulative for sure!!!!!!!!
Im really at the end of my rope today with him. He is ticking me off to NO END!!! UGH~ I need to vent...
Ok, Im sooo sick of him being SOOOO nice to me...I mean, he is sending me texts telling me to smile and have a good day and wanting to have idle chit chat...texting me and saying "guess what", "I have email on my phone now". I was like, GOOD FOR YOU! THen he wants me to smile...I say I smile everyday...then I had it, I had to ask the question and i put it nicely...I said "not that I mind, but why are you being so nice to me now but couldnt while you were home". His reply "because I feel like it now". OK, well, then he said "i know you dont understand that" I said "no I dont" He said he really couldnt explain it to me but would stop if thats what I wanted...well, I certainly dont want him being mean to me, but MY GOSH, why werent I worth all this niceness before??? UGH. THen he goes on saying "Im sorry, hugs", then "smile", "keep smiling" and now "your smile is pretty" I honestly almost texted him and said "shut up!" I really feel like all those women he emailed, this is exactly how he treated all of them.
I have no idea how to handle this. Its really ticking me off. I know that makes no sense to some who would love to have their H/W's treat them kindly, but UGH~ I do not want to be treated like all them OW...I am NOT an OW!! I am his wife who thru him out because of stuff like this with OW...Now how do I say this to him????
OK...had to vent here before I blew up on my H. All I said to " your smile is pretty", was thanks.
Your firm stance has probably created attraction for him. He can't help but respect what he sees as you *finally* getting a backbone. It intrigues him.
Keep moving forward, and continue to do what feels right to YOU and for YOU. Try to continue to detach so that any interactions ... positive or negative ... do not affect you.
You are doing great Kissak!
Peace,
PEI
Thanks PEI.....thats what I want most, to detach so that stuff like this doesnt affect me at all. Bad thing is that Im letting it get to me today and this weekend. Trying to put the focus where it belongs is hard!!
Kissak - this sounds like this is all a game to him...all of a sudden he's realized that he can't have you...so he wants you...and will do anything to get to you....and when he does???...he wins, looses interest and goes and chases the next new high? I don't know....He behaves like a sex addict...
What if you don't talk to him, stop playing his little phone games...just ignore him....it would give you the space you need
(((hugs)))
I agree Mila...he is a sex addict. I think he lives for the attention. He even said he likes the attention he gets from it because it makes him feel good for the moment. I honestly dont think he would ever lose interest.
I have tried to stop with his phone games before, but then he just threatens to call me or come over. I do need the space though.
Just journaling....
H came by last night to get something out of his vehicle that is still at the house. He came in and wanted a hug right away....I looked at him and said "ok, what do you want?" lol...He looked shocked that I asked, but I called him on it...I said "you want something, there is a motive to being nice and wanting hugs".
Im not playing anymore. I have no idea what he is thinking. He even had the nerve to ask if he could borrow my bath tub!! OMG, I had to bite my tounge on that one...but I did say that he had a whole river in his "new" back yard, lol. He thought I was being hostile to him and wanted to know why, then thought I had deleted him off of my FB, which I hadnt.
Today it is back to smiley faces by text. I think my H just doesnt want the responsibility of being a husband, but he wants Me to still be his wife....???
Completely confused by his actions. Althought I expect confusion when it comes to him. Trying to not let him suck my back in. Not so hard this time...Im just truly seeing how immature he is.
hey, remember me? i havent been here in a while, just checking in on you...havent read your past posts, just see u are here, and clearly he was back and left again? ugh....hope you are doing well...
check my posts, ive been more than ok! in fact, my recent drama comes from the boyfriend i fell in love with after leaving H...long story, but if anything, it tells all of us that we can move on and can meet someone else and can fall in love again...when i have some times later i am going to try and read your past posts...if u want, post back and give me a summary!
Hi Doodles! Yes, I remember you! How have you been?
Yes, My H was back, but this time I threw him out! Im doing good with it all.
I will check your posts!
ive been good, well in terms of H ive been good...my new drama is my boyfriend, well ex boyfriend for right now...i love how it was possible for me to move on fall in love and have relationship drama again...so you threw him out, are u going through divorce proceedings? i really need to read your old posts....did u look at mine? can u believe he had a baby with psycho ow? lol...and do u love that he only wants to talk to me and hop into bed with me? too too funny..sometimes im so fascinated that i got over it. if i can, anyone can!
so i just read through some posts and i find it so funny how u guys were sitting at cs and getting along...thats just like us! we sit together in court as our lawyers battle a bitter divorce. how funny? i garnish his wages yet we sit together, we talk all the time and u wonder why we are apart. i wonder if its all a part of the middle life crisis thing?
Same here mdoodles...my H I think still wants me, he wants to be my friend, have sex and do all that stuff..he just doesnt want the responsibility of being a husband. I guess he feels like now if he wants to cheat, he wont get in trouble for it....idk.
We have to wait a year before we can start divorce stuff...so who knows, maybe he will wake up and grow up or not. I really dont have the desire to be with him like before. I am really disgusted by him. All I see are those emails and how he talks to and treats OW. He is doing the same to me now.
Its sad, but for me to ever take him back, I would have to be like his warden, and him my prisoner with NO privacy...dont think either of us want that, so getting back together seems far fetched.
I cant believe your H had a baby with the OW! WEll, I can believe it, lol, but wow.
Yea, we get along great, actually better than when we were together. Its weird how he treats me completely different when we are apart...its almost sickening to me how nice he is right now.
Well, I really hated to do it, but I reread those emails between my H and the other women. He has been getting to me lately, texting me soo much. GOing right back to how it was before. Ugh~
Reading them again just reminded me that I need to stay away from him and his issues.
I mean, if he wants to be with me, grow up and be a real man and learn to love ONE women and treat her with the respect she deserves!
UGH, how I would love to give allll those stupid women a peice of my mind! How dare they carry on like this with a married man!!!!!!
Kissak - Maybe you needed to re-read the e-mails to reaffirm to yourself that you did the right thing by asking him to leave....sometimes anger helps to detach as well.
And why do you think that these other women knew that he was married? I don't think that he was eager to tell them.
Stay strong
(((hugs)))
Mila, YOur right. I needed to read them to help reaffirm my decision.
I also did something else this morning. I told my H to please stop texting me so much. It wasnt helping me at all to always be expecting a text from him. It wasnt helping me to let go and move forward. That I still loved him and knew I couldnt be with him. That what he did behind my back hurt me greatly and I wasnt just gonna get over it easily. So, he didnt like it, he wants to talk to me now....its easier. Dont get that, but ok. He said he still loves me and would do whatever I needed, that he would always be here for me and blah blah blah....Point is, he doesnt like it. He knows deep down that Im the only real friend he has...maybe its time he just loses me. I cant keep letting him get away with the stuff he does and still gets to keep my friendship???
Idk...just having one of those mornings.
Oh, and Mila...these other women knew he was married and living with me...several of them even mentioned not texting him because his wife may see. If yall could only read those emails....Maybe I will post them...maybe you could get some insight to what goes on in his head and how the OW would respond to him.
I'm pretty sure he will have a hard time NOT texting me and wanting that friendship with me...he even said he didnt like it, but would try...hey, he did say If I didnt like him texting me so much that he would stop...guess he just didnt think I would say he should.
Am I doing the right thing here? Should I just cut him off completely from my life? Im not sure I can...a part of me still wants to be with him, but deep down I know I cant...how do I make that part that still wants him GO AWAY???
Am I doing the right thing here? Should I just cut him off completely from my life? Im not sure I can...a part of me still wants to be with him, but deep down I know I cant...how do I make that part that still wants him GO AWAY???
Detachment!
Love from a disance.
You need to enforce your boundaries.
That is part of leading the MLC'er through the crisis.
Although I seem to get disagreement with this advice, I still believe that we must LEAD.
In this case he must choose between you and the OW's.
He can not have both.
Be strong.
Kissak
I told my H to please stop texting me so much
ACTIONS speak louder than words. No one says you have to respond.
maybe its time he just loses me.
OR maybe it is time that YOU decide to GO DARK for YOU!
Kissak, why do you keep asking him to do this or do that? Why do you continue to allow him to control how you feel? The key word is the “why”. I think I may not the answer – do YOU?
I cant keep letting him get away with the stuff he does and still gets to keep my friendship???
“get away” – wow. IMO, that sounds like you want to punish him for hurting you, which I get. What will hurting HIM do for YOU? Make you feel better? Maybe for a few days BUT long terms what does hurting him get you? Nothing IMO.
True detachment is for YOU. It is something YOU do for YOU. Not to punish. Not to hurt him. Nope, it is for YOU. AND when you do it… you really do not need to ask, inform, or communicate to anyone other than YOURSELF that YOU are detaching.
maybe you could get some insight to what goes on in his head
Who give a rats as* what is going on inside HIS head? I don’t and honestly, neither should YOU.
Am I doing the right thing here?
What do you need to be emotionally happy and healthy? Whatever that is do that!
Should I just cut him off completely from my life?
Does him being in your life make you happy or sad? Figure that one out, then you will have your answer. Also, things do not always have to be black or white. Grey is okay sometime. Remember Kissak, this should be about YOU – not HIM. If you can tolerate him, tolerate him, if you cannot or on a specific day do not want to see or hear from him – well then don’t. It really is that simple.
Imagine…..for a sec…..YOUR Life
A life that YOU control
A life that YOU decide what and who you will see and when you will see them.
Sounds pretty cool I bet….
You have said in the past you deserve better – what is stopping you then from becoming better?
Do you know what it is?
BUT, BUT, BUT,
a part of me still wants to be with him, but deep down I know I can
Oh…that still small voice….
Deep down is your answer Kissak
Deep down in your heart and soul
Do NOT be afraid to go inside yourself…by yourself…
how do I make that part that still wants him GO AWAY???
Maybe….you should really just
LET GO
You have tried everything else sweetie….
How about you let go and really just give it God and let Him deal with it.
While you are letting go…
Dig…
Dig deep…
You can do this!
Eric
maybe its time he just loses me.
OR maybe it is time that YOU decide to GO DARK for YOU!
Yes, It is for me.
Kissak, why do you keep asking him to do this or do that? Why do you continue to allow him to control how you feel? The key word is the “why”. I think I may not the answer – do YOU?
Why? Im not sure why I let him...
I cant keep letting him get away with the stuff he does and still gets to keep my friendship???
“get away” – wow. IMO, that sounds like you want to punish him for hurting you, which I get. What will hurting HIM do for YOU? Make you feel better? Maybe for a few days BUT long terms what does hurting him get you? Nothing IMO.
True, In some ways I do want him to hurt and feel sorry for hurting me...Im sure it would only last for a few days, but your right, in long term it would probably get me nothing, well, maybe some satisfaction...sorry if that makes me selfish.
True detachment is for YOU. It is something YOU do for YOU. Not to punish. Not to hurt him. Nope, it is for YOU. AND when you do it… you really do not need to ask, inform, or communicate to anyone other than YOURSELF that YOU are detaching.
I get that, I do...I just have to get there...I feel like my heart is still too involved and its hard.
maybe you could get some insight to what goes on in his head
Who give a rats as* what is going on inside HIS head? I don’t and honestly, neither should YOU.
I know, but it helps me understand maybe the whys I keep having in my head...Im sure it would do no good to know though.
Does him being in your life make you happy or sad?
What if the answer is both?
If you can tolerate him, tolerate him, if you cannot or on a specific day do not want to see or hear from him – well then don’t. It really is that simple.
Some days I can tolerate, some days I cant. So, if I dont feel like talking I will just tell him that.
Thats what I want.
BUT, BUT, BUT,
a part of me still wants to be with him, but deep down I know I can
Oh…that still small voice….
Deep down is your answer Kissak
Deep down in your heart and soul
Do NOT be afraid to go inside yourself…by yourself…
how do I make that part that still wants him GO AWAY???
Maybe….you should really just
LET GO
You have tried everything else sweetie….
How about you let go and really just give it God and let Him deal with it.
While you are letting go…
Dig…
Dig deep…
You can do this!
Eric
Thank you
Sorry about the quoting thing...I have NO idea why it did that!
Kissak - that was a good post from Eric
Hard to let them go when they are trying to keep you in the loop while still not dealing with their issues and continuing to do the things that hurt you....remember this is all about them....he is contacting you because that what he needs and wants he doesn't even seems to understand why you are so upset with him.
It's hard to let go, you secretly hope that they will see the error of their ways and maybe we in some way hope that by showing them that you still care you can help that somehow....because after all you still love him.
It did help me a while back to go dark....not reply to his e-mails....not being around him.
Lets be honest here....part of it is trying to punish them (we are only human) and partially hoping that that may make them see how they wronged us....but mainly going dark is for you...to regain your balance....and focus on you not on him.
I don't need to be dark now, lots of the anger is gone as well....so once you are strong enough and detached enough you will know and you can communicate with him more again.
Take care of you now.
Thanks Mila...YOu said exactly how I feel. It is very hard to let go no matter how bad they hurt you. Why is that?
Im just having such a hard day...everything is making me cry. I do mean everything. I still have so much anger towards him that I want to let out ON HIM just so I CAN fill better if only for one day.
I think part of me wanting him to text me is because it makes me feel like he still "needs" me.....its nice to be needed, but I want to be wanted as well.
I just dont understand and i dont think he does either, why he is so able to be open and talk to me when we are not together....is that just how its meant to be....better off as friends?
OK, I need some motivation to get through this today....
tears coming again...ugh~ hate this.
Kissak
It is very hard to let go no matter how bad they hurt you. Why is that?
IMHO, I think every person is different. So each of us will let go, detach, whatever you want to call it when we finally get to a place where we
REALLY realize that the OLD M is totally freaking dead and nothing YOU do can revive it. It must die it’s own death in it’s own time. For me it has been a very painful process. One that honestly I still struggle with some days. You may not see it in my post Kissak but I too still ache, still hurt. That hurt is natural and MUST be felt. So as much as I or anyone else tells you to detach – do it how and when you feel most comfortable. The key is to do it with NO anger, which trust me is very tough.
I still have so much anger towards him that I want to let out ON HIM just so I CAN fill better if only for one day.
Kissak – I feel ya. Man, sometimes I want to smack my W upside her head and tell her a few things; however, as that anger in me subsided, what I realized is that what I really wanted to tell her was….just how much I love her and that IF she would wake the f up we could fix this. I cannot because I cannot fix her. I can only fix myself. So….the anger you feel is understandable BUT it will go away if YOU let it. So how do you? You cry Kissak. You flat out cry your eyes out. You feel it. You take those days and crawl under the covers and just cry. Then when you feel that you are done crying….you cry some more.
What you should NOT do (at least not now) is to hurl the anger at HIM. It does you and him NO good. Yeah it may make you feel better for a few days BUT in the end it will NOT take away the deeper anger and pain that you have.
Take your time Kissak….take your time.
I think part of me wanting him to text me is because it makes me feel like he still "needs" me
Kissak, this is your insecurities speaking. I know – I have them myself. The hardest thing in this process is getting to a place where you realize that YOU do not NEED anyone perse. Want yes – Need – NO.
.....its nice to be needed,
Yes it is…so as the DB principals suggest – change how you look at things. So…how about you look at things this way….
Right NOW Kissak NEEDS Kissak. Yep, you need you right now. The real you. The you that is around when no else is around. The you that right now is a little scared, hurt BUT also pulling her internal resources to make it through this hard time. You really can do this Kissak. IF the “this” is becoming the person you always wanted to be! As for your H – he may see this and begin his own journey of killing and slaying his demons.
but I want to be wanted as well.
You are wanted! You may not see it but I will suggest that you read your thread…psst…hint….remember the wonderful friends and family you talked about? I’m sure they want you. So yes Kissak you are wanted. Stand up today, cry, scream if you must, go for a nice long walk, hand out drinks at you pity party tonight AND THEN…
GET UP GIRL
Realize JUST HOW STRONG YOU ARE.
AND CHOOSE…
CHOOSE to accept that today is a bad day BUT tomorrow is another!
I just dont understand and i dont think he does either
How do I get my grandmother in a nursing home to understand that she cannot remember that she has Alzheimer’s? I can’t.
Kissak I am pretty sure that I was also in a crisis for several years. Could anyone tell me I was? NO. I didn’t see it. I didn’t see it UNTIL I looked inside. WHEN I DID, well then I changed! The same can happen to your H. It really can. For now, just keep living your life cause you matter Kissak. May not feel it right now – but YOU do.
why he is so able to be open and talk to me when we are not together....is that just how its meant to be....better off as friends?
Let me ask you a question……
On day 1 when you met your H did you guys run to the alter to get married? I bet not. So how did your M start? Psst…hint…(fill in the missing letters) F_I_N_D_.
If you figure out the word (I think you will) read your quote above it again.
Finally, who decides who is in your life?
Who decides who is not in your life?
Who decides what you will eat for dinner tonight?
Who decides if you are going to play powerball tonight (if you win – let me know please)?
You decide. Right?
So I guess you decide if You can and want what you have with your H.
Going dark, dim, does not mean it is over. “It” being whatever R that YOU define.
Have a good weekend Kissak and know that you are not alone.
God Bless,
Eric
Thank you Eric....You sure know how to put things in perspective for me sometimes.
I think maybe I do just need a really good cry..this weekend may be good for that...the kids will be with their dad so....it just may be time....although I have done quite a bit of crying already today...
Pray for me...got lots of financial problems right now along with some things that I desperatly need for work that are tearing up that will cost over $1000 to fix....just say a prayer for me...seems everything is just piling up on me today.
K,
I am keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. Instead of looking at the huge picture of what's going on, break down the items and work on one thing at a time...
Kissak.
My thoughts and prayers are going out for you, too. Hang in there. Better days are ahead.
(((Hugs)))
Kissak,
I and I am sure many others will pray for you. What I will say is right now as hard as this is YOU MUST BELIEVE.
Believe that everything in time will work out.
I can relate to the financial difficulties. More than you can imagine. Guess what, worry about them will not make them go away.
As snodderly suggested, break it down into little pieces and start working on them one at a time.
Rome was not built in a day
Marriages are not broken by one incident
Marriage are not fixed in a day either
Self improvement / growth is not done in day
Everything in life....takes time.
Kissak, you will be okay. This too shall pass -
BELIEVE IT!
God Bless,
Eric
Thanks for the prayers everyone. I know that worrying does nothing but cause more stress. I have always known that. I just had alot of things hit me all at once in one day. Friday night after going out with a friend, I came home and had the best cry I had had in quite a while. Woke up feeling alot better on Saturday.
I did have some guy that Im not really that interested in ask me to go out with him when I was ready to date...I was kinda shocked, but had a good laugh about it...he just wanted me to know he was interested and he knew I was in no way ready to date yet....Ugh, Im far from ready to date, far far far from ready...lol
still way too many emotions im dealing with over my H. I still love the dummy and always will. Just wish he would get his act together....
anyway...its a new week...got lots of little things to focus on...you are all right, its too much to handle when looking at the big picture....I know God will take care of me anyway and things always work out in the end just the way they are supposed to.
All weekend my H has been way too attentive to me. Its hard to not let him do things to be nice. I guess I can tolerate the niceness...but I know what he wants....he told me, he wants some loving...lol, told him I wanted that a LONG TIME AGO! I wish he would see that he has a problem. I would love to know why he can be this loving and attentive to me now, but not when were together...I feel like he will never leave me alone...and I know...I am in control of MY life, not him....I keep repeating that to myself. Plus its helping that my sister is kinda in the same sitch with her H. Only difference is her H is emotional abusive and violent...It good for me to help her, because it helps me...I gotta start taking my own advice
Hi kissak,
I am in control of MY life, not him
keep repeating that often...until you start believing it...and living it.
(((hugs)))
Thanks Mila
Kissak,
Just checking in. How are you?
Hi SA,
Im doing ok. Really missing my H. Wish I could tell him. Im sure he misses me too. But I keep reminding myself that he and I cant be together right now. Its sad, expecially through the holidays.
I had the kids this weekend, went shopping with my friend and her daughters. Funny thing happened. We were an hour away from home and in wallie world
well, I ran into my H. Even he was shocked. He had told me he was going window shopping, never thought we would end up in the same store an hour away....he even texted me afterwards how weird that was. I hated it though, Id rather NOT know where he is or what he is doing when he isnt with me.
Im trying to stay busy. Which is hard right now. Business is SLOWer than ever for this time of year. DId manage to put my tree up last night, well I put it together but IM going to decorate it this week. I usually dont do it till after thanksgiving but the kids will be with their dad this weekend so Im doing early.
Ill be ok, just wish I didnt have business/financially difficulties on top of Marriage issues to deal with.
Kissak,
Just stoping by to wish you a happy Turkey Day.
Ill be ok, just wish I didnt have business/financially difficulties on top of Marriage issues to deal with.
The difficulties that you are facing should show you something. Do you know what that is?
God Bless,
Eric
Thinking that maybe I need to be focusing on those issues at my business instead of worrying over my marriage at this point.
AND Happy Turkey Day to you too Eric
gobble gobble
Why Why Why do I even let my H get to me the tiniest bit!! Ugh, Im so mad at him. Ill with him. I cant stand him. Why? well because I let him get to me over the weekend. Why I dont know. He was wanting what he always wants...sex. Ok, I almost gave in...He knows what to say and do to get to me and I hate it. Then last night I needed him to help me. Help me with my satellite. His name is on the account and i cant even talk to the people to help me fix it. He has to call. So I texted him asking him to call. He never did. FOr the first time in weeks I didnt hear from him ALL night. So this morning I was ill when he called so I didnt talk to him. I figured it best to not talk to him when I am mad. ANd Ok, why am I mad when it is ME that thru him out! What do I expect from him?? He spent the night with another women. Who I dont know, dont care, but what is really ticking me off is that he couldnt answer me. ALL THOSE times he was at home and texted everybody all the time when he was with me and he couldnt text me back when with someone else???? UGH!
SOrry, Im hurt, jealous, mad, angry. Why? He is just a user. He only wants one thing from women. I pretty much told him by text when he was trying to talk to me this morning that I didnt want to talk to him today. I may say something I regret.
OK< just had to vent. This was my decision to make him leave and I have to deal with all the pain and hurt that comes with it.
No 2x4s please. Im just having a moment!!
No 2x4's, sweet lady. Just *hugs*
Next up is to do what you have to do to get his name off the satellite account.
Feel what you feel for now. Be angry. Let it fuel you for now. You won't always feel this way. I promise you that you will heal.
*hugs*
~ swl
Aren't you glad now you didn't give in?
yes, but what i hate is that he will try again, even if he was with another woman. Thats who he is. Even back when I did give in he was with the woman he left me for, she was his "soulmate" and he cheated on her. Its like an endless cycle he is in. He will continue to hurt women like this. Whoever he was with last night, I feel sorry for her because IM sure it was some vulnerable woman who "needed" someone. Its a shame she will have to learn the hard way about how he is.
So, my H pretty much left me alone yesterday. He did send a few texts when he got off work. One was a pic of him on his job that he wanted me to show our kids, the others were about him telling me he had added me onto an account so that I would be able to talk to the satelitte people. And he wanted our D to leave a jacket of his in his vehicle. Then asked if I was still going to do an invoice that I do every month for him for a job he does. I just said yes. He did call twice and spoke to our kids. I didnt speak to him at all. Around 9:30 last night he texted me to say goodnite, I just didnt answer it. I was tired. Didnt feel like texting or talking to him at all.
Today, I havent heard from him at all. I guess a part of me is sad that he hasnt tried to talk. But I dont know if this is good for me or not. It hurts to know he has someone else he would rather talk to now. That Im not even worth the fight. NOT THAT IT MATTERS. I dont know what I am wanting. Im just tired of getting hurt. It seems it will never end. I cant be friends with him, expecting to hear from him all the time, then when he doesnt call or talk, I feel forgotten.
Does anyone understand me?
I did enjoy a nice walk last night with this guy that lives down my road. He is interested in dating me and he offered to help me find our childrens tent that flew away in the wind last night....so we were out looking in the fields with a flashlight...anyway, we didnt find it. We ended up walking for about an hour and talked about different things. Couldnt talk about much because my son was riding his bike with us....Im not really attracted to the guy physically, but he is nice and sweet. Dont know how I feel about it. Just getting to know him and making a new friend right now. I hate to say it, but it was a good distraction last night.
This also happens to be the guy that dated my H's first OW for a while last year. He is still trying to get over her. Its just weird.
3 texts...thats all I got from H yesterday. Initatied by me. Only about his invoices. He did call last night to talk to the kids. Then asked to speak to me. Kept it about kids basically and he asked if I had a spare key to his truck. Wants me to write down what kids clothes sizes are so he can shop for christmas...or rather give the sizes to his stepmom and let her shop for them. I would rather him give me the money and let me get what they need. I handled it well though. Ended the conversation myself.
He texted me this morning to tell the kids he loved them and good morning. I just said Ok, Good morning. Then he wished me a good day and I said thanks, u 2. Trying not to be uncivil to him even though Im hurting. Sometimes its easier to deal with him when I am angry.
Anyway...I need to find lots to keep me busy this weekend so I wont think about him being with someone else. I know he has his big holiday party for the Ems this saturday night. I want to stay so busy I dont think about what he is doing. Saturday will be easy because I my day is packed with things to do. Friday night however, I need to find something to do!!
Ugh, I hate this.
Kissak,
Just remind yourself that he is not worth your time right now. Life is too short. It sounded like you handled the contact very well. To me, things always seem so much worse during the Holidays.
Kissak, I know how tough this is, you know that you had to tell him to leave, yet you still love him....On one hand you don't want him around and on another you want him to beg to come back.
Just remember that he has treated you very badly and has huge issues to work out, you wouldn't want him back the way he is anyway. You deserve better.
Keep busy, take care of yourself...it will bet better
(((hugs)))
Kissak, I know how tough this is, you know that you had to tell him to leave, yet you still love him....On one hand you don't want him around and on another you want him to beg to come back.
Yes, that is true, so true.
[quote]Just remember that he has treated you very badly and has huge issues to work out, you wouldn't want him back the way he is anyway. You deserve better.
I keep saying this over and over again. I deserve better and I know you are right Mila....I do remember how bad he treated me those last couple of months...he does have huge issues and I DO NOT want him back that way.
I am having issues with being angry at myself for even taking him back in the first place....although it did allow me to find out things he did behind my back and how big a liar he really is. Im really mad at myself for trading in my car back in August...now Im stuck with a car payment on limited funds....Im really ticked off at myself for doing that when I was almost sure things were better. Ugh~
Not sure how the holidays are going to play out.
Thanks Trusting
Kissak - Sweetie, what we want back is the old H...right now they don't exist....You did your best, you believed, you trusted, you gave him many chances, you did more the most would do...be proud of yourself for that. Don't be upset with yourself for making decision based on trust...you had to trust him to give your reconciliation the best possible chance....
Here is a great quote for you
"Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. And Today? Today is a gift. That's why we call it the present"
(((hugs)))
Thank you Mila. Im thinking that maybe I just never really knew my H. Or maybe I did and was just too trusting or in denial. But your right, I did have to trust him to give him and our marriage the best possible chance.
I have had so many people that know both of us, more from his friends that have told me that they have told him that he needs to really grow up. To quit acting stupid. That he had a really good wife. Sucks that he isnt listening.
BUT I think he has gotten the point that I dont want as much to do with him this week. I have never gone this long without him texting me to death. Maybe since he sees that I am not playing anymore, he isnt interested? I doubt that, Im sure given a few weeks he will be knocking at my door for something again. In 4 years it has never gone for more than 2 weeks without him wanting something from me.
Thank you for the quote
you are right!
Kissak,
I have been off the boards for a while and just caught up with your sitch.
First, the pain and hurt you feel will take time to heal. Personally, I think it takes many YEARS. The only way is to take it day by day and just focus on trying to live your life the best way you can.
Why do I even let my H get to me the tiniest bit!!
Because you still have feeling for him. It’s normal so don’t beat yourself up over it. DB101 - detach.
This anger is probably because of…
He was wanting what he always wants...sex.
This ^^^^
I almost gave in...He knows what to say and do to get to me and I hate it.
Are you saying that you cannot control yourself? Sounds like it to me, which begs the question…why can’t Kissak control herself?
I’m also amazed that you almost gave in. Why do you keep allowing him to bait you into the bedroom?
Kissak, I am not trying to smack ya with a 2x4…okay maybe I am….take a look at your WORDS below…
even if he was with another woman. Thats who he is.
Even back when I did give in he was with the woman he left me for, she was his "soulmate" and he cheated on her.
He will continue to hurt women like this
he told me, he wants some loving
I feel its all because I wont have sex with him the way he wants
I told him NO several times today, that I dont like the violence
He wanted sex of course, well he wanted me to do everything
I told him NO several times today, that I dont like the violence.
I do not like the anger in the bedroom
He wanted sex (just sex), I didnt.
actually to him it came across as "you want me to kiss your butt all day so I can get sex at night?"
The thing is sex has been about the only thing holding us together over the last 4 years
he is doing the same thing to these vulnerable women.
when I did give in he was with the woman he left me for, she was his "soulmate" and he cheated on her.
Kissak, I know that you are aware of the issues that your H has (and FTR, maybe he can fix himself – IDK), so why do you keep allow him to bait you? Why?
IMO, until you answer that question and the other questions that YOU yourself have pondered (see below quotes) you will continue to ride this rollercoaster.
I dont know why I let him manipulate me like this.
I dont know what I am wanting
Today, I havent heard from him at all. But I dont know if this is good for me or not.
Okay, you don’t know if this is good for you…that is fair then let me ask you this….WHAT IS GOOD FOR YOU? Define it sweetie cause no one can do that BUT YOU.
He can try all he wants – isn’t this YOUR life? IMHO, until you really figure out why YOU react when “he knows what to say and do to get to me” you will continue to be in this difficult sitch. Why Kissak do you keep allowing him to pull you in? Why?
It seems it will never end.
IT will when 1) YOU CHOOSE to allow it to end and 2) When God says it is time. As a good friend of mine reminded me of yesterday….”in God’s time – not ours”.
I cant be friends with him
I think I have given you my views on this. 1) Define what friend means to YOU 2) You can be civil, which in turn may turn into more of a friendship, however, I believe this takes time.
expecting to hear from him all the time, then when he doesnt call or talk, I feel forgotten.
WHY do you feel forgotten? What does this tell YOU?
I did enjoy a nice walk last night with this guy that lives down my road. He is interested in dating me
FAR be it from ME to even respond to this quote….Part of me wants to say do as I say not as I do. Having said this, take your time. You may think you’re ready and you may or may not be ready. So tread lightly with this.
This also happens to be the guy that dated my H's first OW for a while last year.
Birds of a feather flock together.
Hurt people = vulnerable people (trust me I know from experience…BTDT). So as good as it may feel, you both may be hurt and finding comfort with each other – be careful.
He texted me this morning to tell the kids he loved them and good morning. I just said Ok, Good morning. Then he wished me a good day and I said thanks, u 2.
I have often heard and read about the MLCer that sucks the LBS back in (matter of fact I lived it yesterday). I think the LBSer must determine when the communication is warrant and then respond accordingly. Why doesn’t he contact the kids directly?
I am having issues with being angry at myself for even taking him back in the first place
Hmmmm….angry at taking him back OR angry AT THE REASONS YOU TOOK HIM BACK? Think about that.
Im really mad at myself for trading in my car back in August
Yeah, you can join me and we can BOTH ask Mila to borrow her car. Or better yet, I’ll ask Mila and you can ask Trusting. LOL
Chin up Kissak and please start to answer some of these questions for YOURSELF.
God Bless,
Eric
Im working on it Eric. I really am. I have had lots of time to dig lately. Been doing just that.
I think by having sex with him makes me still feel like he wants me. In one way or another. I want to feel this because I do not like rejection. I think that has been it all along.
Now yesterday we talked, and I will say we have really just kept it about the kids this week. BUt even when he does text me, its almost as if I get my fix. I feel better for just a bit. Im not sure why I feel that way.
And as far as this other guy. That is purely just someone to talk to that understands where I have been in some way. We are just friends, there really isnt any romantic spark for me there.
Im digging, little by little. Its seems at some moments I get it, I really do. Honestly this week when I have started getting down and dwelling on it too much of how I miss him, I just remind myself of all the OW he was with....then that reminds me that I dont need to be with him or really want to. Then I quickly find something else to do.
I feel like Im a little wishy washy sometimes when I journal here. I think its just my heart and my head fighting over this whole thing. The heart wants one thing, my head is telling me another. I feel like I should listen to my head. The heart can be a deceitful thing. In other words, I know what I should be doing, but my broken heart wont let me......
Still diggin....
Kissak
I want to feel this because I do not like rejection. I think that has been it all along.
No one likes rejection. Once you accept these feeling though….you should use the time to figure out why you feel this way to better understand yourself.
I just remind myself of all the OW he was with....then that reminds me that I dont need to be with him or really want to.
OW should not be the reason (FTR, I think I’m talking to myself here as well) that you realize that YOU do not NEED or WANT him. I believe that the reasons you do not need or want him, come when you understand who you really are and what YOU really need in your life. Until you come to grips with YOUR needs and WANTS i.e. acceptance of YOU – you may continue to struggle (and FTR, believe it or not – some of this I still struggle with – so please cut yourself some slack).
In other words, I know what I should be doing, but my broken heart wont let me......
TIME Kissak….time.
Okay….here goes……whisssshhhh…..I just passed you my shovel – dig Kissak but not at the expense of driving yourself mad. Oh, the shovel I passed is pink with a purple handle
Eric
I just honed in on your comment about getting your "fix". I think this is one of the hardest things for me to break with my H and I'm all but broken but I see it come back from time to time. Many of my friends, family have said I was addicted to him, and that even bad contact was still contact (like even a bad high was still a high). It has taken a long time for me to feel I am mostly over this addiction--and I guess for me I have broken the addiction by substituting with other things that make me happy--friends, family, hobbies, finding more joy in my job or day to day living. Because before, HE was entirely responsible for my happiness. That's why even when HE stopped making me happy, I clung to him and needed that "fix" of his attention on me, no matter if it was good or bad, it was still attention.
I think if you are still feeling that you need this fix, rest assured that with enough time and detachment, it will start to lessen. I'm not saying I have this "down" myself yet, but I'm less addicted to him by far now than before, and it's because I've found other things to fixate on. Good luck.
Thank you Antonia....I understand exactly what you are saying. I guess with time that will pass.
Eric...thank you for my shovel....but I already have one that color!! My son got a hold of the spray paint one day....I have a very colorful collection of garden tools! lol
I have to say even though my H does have issues with faithfulness, he is still a good person. I have to be thankful for that. He just stopped by a little while ago and gave me $20.(I really wasnt prepared to see him, it doesnt help me detach much) He went and ate lunch with our son today and saw that I gave him lunch money (a bunch of silver change in a ziploc bag). He felt bad and also I found out my daughter mentioned that the banks had been calling me. Hard times finanically the last couple of months....He wants to help me. He has always offered to help me if he is able and if I need it, but I never feel good about asking. Im not one that asks for money from people. I find ways to make it, and depend on God to provide for my needs. Still, it is a blessing that he will help me and I am thankful for that. He offered me more money when he gets his check. He already pays about $200 more a month child support than he has too. God will always provide for our needs.
God will always provide for our needs.
Amen!
Kissak,
It is quite hard to detach when H is still around a lot. But it IS possible. The most important thing is to NOT focus on H. You MUST focus on you. You must become your own "whole" person. I think right now, you still "need" to have someone there to make you feel whole. This is unhealthy because our happiness and feeling of "wholeness" has to come from us. The psychology crowd calls this differentiation. I tried to find a good link to explain it, and found a fairly good one. I hope the link works. It is written (I guess) for an audience of therapists because at the end, it talks about client/patient relationships, but the bulk of the article is really good.
Differentiation My H was around a lot because of D and it makes it hard to detach. Take advantage of the days apart and use them to focus hard on yourself. I know you know this, it just always sounds easier than it really is. But it makes all the difference.
Thanks A...I will check the link out. Anything to help me right now is appreciated.
This weekend was the hardest yet. Still cant get it out of my mind.
I decided to take my kids to an event in town that we had never been to before. Something different to keep my mind off of H. We had only been there about 5 minutes. There was probably about 100 people or more there. Out of the corner of my eye I see someone familar. It was my H. With a date. With some little skanky lady that looked to be about 45 or 50. He didnt see us, but my daughter decided to text him and say that she sees him. Her and my son both wanted to know who he was with. I was in shock. Why would he be there of all places? He never goes to stuff like that and this was like a family event...it was a christmas tree lighting for the town. Ugh~ anyway, I had to turn and walk away where I couldnt see him, what I saw was enough to be burned into my brain for eternity. My daughter decided to walk over and say Hi to him, my son was mad and didnt want to see him. Even called his dad a punk...anyway, my daugher was over there long enough that I texted her and she didnt answer, so I texted him and asked him to please send our daughter back over to me. Then I couldnt help myself....Im sorry, but it came out...I texted him and told him he could do better. I know, bad idea...but I felt better
SO, I left early, couldnt stand it much longer. My daughter and my neice who was also with us said this woman was old, had wrinkles and a double chin. They were grossed out by her (teenage girls words).
So, I didnt hear from him at all on Saturday. First time in years that he has gone a whole day without contacting me. It hurt. But I managed to stay busy enough that I didnt think about it too much. Yesterday was about the same. He texted me to tell me that morning that he had left a newspaper on my front doorstep, I just said thanks, then he asked if I had found other...I opened the paper and there was $60 in it. I just told him thank you and that he didnt have to do that. He said he knew that.
I really dont know how to handle this now. I was not expecting him to be where I was and to have to see that. I was NOT prepared. THats the first time I have ever seen him with another woman other than the one time I saw him begging the first OW back and then I was only driving by.
Now, Im sure this is a lady he works with. Im sure she is the one who he called "phil" and rushed off one night while still at home to go help "him" move a washing machine. Still makes me mad. BUT if she is the type to know she was fooling around with a married man, good luck to her. Im sure when he is bored with her, he will move on to cheating on her. UGH~
Got some anger still in me today...trying to get it all out here so I can let go of it. Im sorry that I threw my H out that day without confronting him to his face about all of the stuff he did. I wish I had had it out with him right then. Now its stuck in my head...I just have soo much I would love to say to him! Im gonna have to say it on here, just to get it out!! Im so angry and hurt. Im angry at myself to that I just cant seem to let go of this!
Thanks for any listening ears today. The rest of my weekend was pretty good. I did spend alot of time with my kids. We went to a parade and a few bday parties....I love them.
I want to tell all of you what made my night though after seeing my H with that OW...other than the fact she was unattractive, my son made this comment "mom, we should be happy for daddy" I asked why he thought that...he replyed "at least he can find a girl that WANTS to date him". I had to laugh.
Pray for me friends. Trying to find a way to just let this all go. I think of how other people have hurt me in the past, and how i Have been able to let it go and not think of it. I hope to get to that place soon. I hope to be able to accept that my H is gonna date OW. I threw him out. I cant expect him to not date. Its just not easy to see and think about.
On a good note! I lost 3 pounds last week. Something about this whole things makes it easier to diet....Gives me something worth while to focus on....11 more pounds to meet my goal!!
Hi Kissak....sweetie, this is though isn't it, what can I say that would help you through this...not much accept to listen and offer moral support. When you get really down just remember what it was like when he was at home and would you want that back....
What helps me sometimes is to think that this is what we both must do...the universe is teaching us a lesson....my H has things to learn and so do I....and what we must learn we can't learn by being together, we must do that apart. Once we have learned those lessons, maybe then we could find our way back to each other.
Yeah the weight loss is a MLC perk, isn't it (insert sarcastic smirk)...but seriously, if loosing weight is what you want, it is a good thing...it will help you with your confidence and feeling good about yourself....you see everything has a positive side
Yes it does, Thank you Mila...I wont complain about the 70 pounds Ive lost and managed to keep off over the past 4 years
Had a weird conversation by text this morning. He sent me a picture text. It was of a duck singing then it flashes the words I miss you up on it. Well, that surprised me. I said what I felt at the moment, which I should know better. Said "miss u 2". Well, I do some. Its the truth. Well, I guess he didnt know the pic had the words up there that said that, because he texted back "what r u talking about". So quickly I said, sorry, I misunderstood. Felt like a dummy after that. He even called and wanted to know what I meant. I just said that I was sorry but his text said it and I just said it back. I need to learn to keep my feelings to myself when it comes to him, because talking to him about it isnt a good thing and I always feel awful afterwards because I know I will never hear what I want. Anyway, He texted back that he missed me 2 some. Ok, could have went without the some part. BUt it really just hit something in me. That one little word kinda made me realize something. He isnt worth me wasting my thoughts on anymore~
Just a question....could it be that I have no closure? Is that part of the reason I cant let go so easily? I have this overwhelming urge to want to get all of this out to my H of the whys, hows, etc. I dont know. Having time at work on my hands and when its quiet, I think way too much. My thoughts are my own worst enemy
Unfortunately we don't get the kind of closure we want. We will never get the answers and explanations that we feel would help us put it rest.
IMO, this is part of "the work" that we must do ... learn to make peace with our sitchs from within. Learn to not need the closure from outside ourselves.
Yes, our thoughts can be our own worst enemy, but we control them kissak ... not the other way around. You can do this girl!
Peace
PEI
Thank you PEI. Guess I just need to work on acceptance.
Time. You are not going to accomplish everything you want in a day. And yes, keep working ... acceptance, self love, forgiveness ... we're never done ...
Peace
PEI
Why not in a day? Wouldnt that be nice? lol trying to be optimistic
Well it always makes me feel good to hear someone doesnt put too much merrit in this new OW. Seems she works with my H or in the same building as him. Works with my neighbor as a matter of fact.
Oh well....sad that my H is gonna let me get away because he cant be a faithful man. His loss.
Headed home to take care of my kiddos!
Im beginning to think that my H was never in MLC. Maybe he is just a "pig"! Maybe he has been all along and I was just to foolish to see it.
So, even if he has a OW right now or even just dating, he still makes sexual induindos (sp) to me. Guess he is just feeling me out to see if I would do anything with him again. I completely ignored is actions last night.
He picked up the kids last night. That is after I asked him to please think about getting them once a week, that going 2 weeks without seeing them werent right. SO he got them last night for 3 hours. The last thing I said to him before he left was to make sure our D did her homework, it was something he would be able to help her with better than me and she had been doing poorly in this class and not completing her work...sooo, 3 hours later he brings her home, fussing at her for not REMEMBERING that SHE had homework! SO NONE of it got done, therefore she stayed up way too late working on it. Ok, she is adhd and sometimes we have to remind her to focus....what happened, the went and got supper, went back to his place while they all ate, watched tv, and he sat and texted the entire time on his phone. This is what my children told me. THen when he drops them off he said he was in a hurry because HE forgot to go and do some work that he does parttime. Seems whoever he is dating or whatever, is completely toxic to him, or addicted or something that he cant remember things he needs to do.
He knew I was annoyed with him over this, he texted me when he left several times that he was sorry, but they were begging for supper then arguing (welcome to my fulltime job) and he forgot. Then he said he would do better, he promised. I didnt answer any of them, because what I wanted to say would come out....but then he called. I told him that it was irresponsible to do nothing but text, while he should have been being a parent!! UGH~ told him thank you for sayin he would do better next time, I just said ok, thank you, then told him I was done with the conversation because I didnt want to argue.
Am I dealing with another child or a grown up? SOmeone remind me please because I have forgotten.....
Will he ever grow up and be a man?
OH ((((Kissak)))), how frustrating to deal with your H.....we must remember that we can't control their behavior, not even when they are with their children....it will only upset you but it will not change anything....your H really needs to grow up...will he? that's another question. Maybe in the future you need to make sure that the homework is done before the kids go with their dad....if possible.
You are wise not to let him manipulate you into "intimacy" at this stage....seems like he is just continuing his behavioral pattern, with no effort to change or even see how he's been hurting you and his family...why would you want to be intimate with him under those circumstances....
Thanks Mila...but with him its not about intimacy. Its just sex and he knows how to manipulate so well.
I usually would have made her do her homework, but this was on medical terms and he knows about all that stuff and I have no clue about it, that is what I told him and he agreed to help her....how could he forget??? Ugh~ I have a feeling if he hasnt grown up by now, he probably never will. He will be old and alone one day, because Im not sure there is another woman that would put up with him....Since I was always curious if he was cheating, Im sure any other woman would see that too after awhile with him....
Kissak,
Your ml'er does not have the capacity to have a healthy relationship at this time. This OW will not be any different. MLC is a regression, they leave all their responsibilities behind, they rebel, push buttons and project. NO MATTER WHAT WE DO OR SAY. Let him be someone elses problem now.
Just a funny note....
My H showed a picture of this new OW to his family tonight. They all had the same reaction I did. Laughed at him and told him how unattractive she was. Ugly is the word I think they used. My daughter told me this. Couldnt help but laugh most of last night after she told me.
H told me he was just dating her, she wasnt his girlfriend. Also found out she is 43, he is 36. She has 2 children...16 and 21. Dont understand what it is with his interest in older unattractive women...looking for a mother figure maybe? What I hate is that he told the kids all about her and that she wanted to meet them. My son said he was going to take them to see her...I told my H that I did not want him to take them to see her, that it was too soon and I didnt think it was right. HE agreed, but he may have just agreed to shut me up, idk. What I dont get is he denied her being his gf, that he was only dating her, why then tell the kids and his family all about her...looking for acceptance maybe??
Anyway, he was once again all over me this weekend when he came to get the kids....saying how good I looked, also asking why I never dressed up for him like that...ok, I did when we went out, but that was like NEVER, so....Had to tell him that there was no way I was going to be his weekender...that I was worth way more than that!! That still didnt stop him. I dont get it.
Other than that, I had a great weekend!! No kids, finished up my shopping pretty much.