Okay, so there is this question that is running through my mind. Is there "evidence" of MLC being something that runs in families?
It seems like I have seen a couple people post something along those lines and I am just really curious. I would love to sit down with my MIL and ask her about my H's growing up years. As I start to piece things together from what I know, I really wonder if his dad ever had a period in his life like this. I don't think he ever left but who knows . . . they tend to cover up things that are unpleasant.
Like begets like.
It makes sense.
Not even talking genetically, but on a hisstory repeating itself level.
Father and mother, fight, seperate, or D. Child grows up in that house, cannot deal, later he/she hits MLC does similar things, affects their children.
Protecting the kids from this is the best thing you can do...stopping the cycle. : )
From my understanding the parents may not even know that they caused a problem. I am sure that my inlaws have no clue about any problems. They still think it is all my fault, because that is what my W has told them. I am not sure that you will get any reliable information from your MIL, I guess it might depend on your R with her. But the odds are that she has more loyalty to her son than she does to you.
My inlaws are toxic by the way, and everything is always someone elses fault. If you drive near their house they will probably sue you, spend $20k in the law suit and not care that you will owe them a nickle.
Everyone has transitions in their lives. The ones that go off the deep end are the ones that experienced very difficult childhoods, i.e, abuse, no validation and/or affirmation, etc. Those who had moderate to good childhoods have very mild transitions.
Your MIL may be able to give you some insight, but you will need to tread very lightly w/her for she may have been the culprit in your h's issues that are going on now.
I think you will find that a majority of time there is an underlining cause to MLC. It doesn't actually point towards growing up in a house that has experienced it. It might be chronic depression, Bipolar, etc....it might be traumatic childhood events....it might be genetics. The cause is really irrelevant, it just happens. We will all go through a period were we evaluate our lives...some say "crap...I need to work on changing this", some say "things are good as they are", and others run and blame everything on others. It really even doesn't matter on how good their life is or isn't....it only depends on their perspective.
The thing is, my in laws live far enough away and are and have always been very uninvolved in our lives and have NO IDEA anything is going on. Their son has not filled them in at all. I haven't either. I won't bring it up with my MIL, but would just be curious. I know depression runs in their family. I am just noticing patterns that are repeating.
Jack, I totally agree about breaking the cycle. I am doing my best to protect my kids and hoping to break it.
The thing is, his parents have been married for 40+ years. He doesn't have a D he has had to deal with in his parents. But I can see the lack of validation, whatever it is that is driving his MLC (refer to my first sentence in this post), and will NOT let my kids experience that from me.
The distance and uninvolvement could the reason your H hasn't told them. It took over a year for my wife to admit what was going on to her father (similar situation). She talked with MIL a lot so it came out rather quickly there, but FIL was not informed. It was odd for me to talk with him prior to that because he thought everything was fine, but there was no way I was going to tell him.
Back to the original question....I think you will see MLC run in families....but not because MLC works like that. I think you will see the pattern because depression does run in families. From what I have read, people with depression problems seem to be subject to MLC easier. They are already (chemically or mentally) prone to see the negative side of everything.....so when they look at their lives they are more prone to see negativity instead of appreciation.
Good insight Lost. It definitely makes sense as depression is the underlying factor. I really, really wish he would get it treated but he isn't there yet.
Their distance makes it easier for him to not tell them for sure. They also would be absolutely horrified as it goes against what they say they believe in. I really don't think he would get their support.
TF- Understanding that he isn't there, will get there when he does, and that you need to take care of yourself....will get you through this. The one pattern I have seen is the MLC'ers tend to hide what is going on more than a WAS from family. You will see a WAS run right to family looking for support faster than an MLC in a lot of cases (not all, but a majority). Why? Who knows.
My W is third generation MLC and you go back one more generation and depression is part of 4 generations in her family. I agree with Lostforwords...MLC is the sympton of something else, whether it is depression, codependency or lack of validation, abuse the list goes on.
TF,
I want to break the cycle but my kids are old enough now that my wife's co-dependency and MLC will affect them no matter how much I try to compensate. I am not saying I am hopeless for my children but I hope I am around (that is still kicking) when my children are in a relationship and I can teach them that no one else in this world can "make" you happy, you find that within yourself not in anybody else not even your children.
T,
I would suggest that you get the book entitled "Silent Sons" by Robert J. Ackerman. It is a great book that talks about depression and how it has been handed down through the generations, etc. I read this book a number of years ago and thought it was extremely enlightening. It may help you as well.
Thanks all for your input.
Lost - interesting observation about the WAS vs MLCer runnning to family. Maybe that is the confusion entering in? My guess is part of the reason my H has said anything to his parents is the fact that he isn't sure what he wants. He is burning bridges left and right, but maybe he isn't ready to burn that one yet.
Wow, MHL, seems like your wife would have a hard time escaping MLC with that family history! I think the best we can do for our kids through all this is be strong and SHOW them that we can be happy even without our spouses to model that (easier said than done some days, I know). And for me, I am validating (where my H's childhood issues lie, I believe) the heck out of my kids to try to keep their self esteems as intact as I can. And I pray for their little hearts. Fortunately, their daddy hasn't totally abandoned them and does show them he loves them, even though it is limited at this point. At least it is waaaay better than it was months ago.
Snodderly - Thanks for the book recommendation. I am happy to see our library has it so I will go pick it up. I am really fascinated about how the human mind works the more into researching and reading about MLC/depression/etc.
Hi TF-
Late chiming in. My H's parents have been married 40+ years, but when H met mee 22 years ago he told me he thought they were going to get divorced...never happened and back then I didn't know him so well to ask a lot of questions about his parents' marriage.
Depression-severe depression, does run in his family. H felt unloved as a child and really has isues of verbal abuse from his father growing up. He will most likely never discuss his issues with his father.
During our first separation, H wanted to keep his family in the dark and I went along hoping it was just a temporary thing(before I learned anything about MLC). During this last separation (and divorce proceedings) H did tell his family(who repsonded rather un-supportively), almost to assure that he wouldn't go back on his decision(same reason he hired a lawyer and paid a retainer before he asked me for a divorce and told me he was moving out).
I do think there is some kind of a familial thing going on. H's younger brother had an affair with his college sweetheart several years ago-but has remained married...
Posting this here - more for Job than anyone else but, it is a success story of sorts, or a work in progress at least.
I happen to know her personally so I will post this here from another board that she posts on for posters to read.
I just wanted to comment on the idea of trust FWIW. I am in a unique position on this board, I think. I have a long-time MLCer who I think it's safe to say is out of MLC or definitely at the very end of the tunnel. I didn't trust him AT ALL for years and years. He had done all the damage that an MLCer is prone to do and gave me no reason to trust him.
He has reconnected with the kids and I would say we are reconnecting and rebuilding a relationship as well. Whether it will turn back into a marriage, time will tell. However, I was thinking about the idea of trust last night and realizing that I once again DO trust him. It is being rebuilt because he is showing himself trustworthy in many ways. He once again keeps his word. He can be trusted with finances. I can count on him. If the time comes for me to trust him with my heart again, it might be possible because the trust is being built in the other areas.
I know there are those who will never trust again- very understandable. But in my case, I never thought it would be possible but I realized that is being rebuilt. He was so opposite who he was in every way for many years. But he is so much like the man I knew again, and I did trust him. But yes, it has to be rebuilt.
And yes, I know some (most, all?) are thinking, but you trusted him before and he so completely broke the trust. I have always felt that the MLC him was driven by something that kept him pursuing choices that were so OPPOSITE the choices the man I knew would make, and he would not have made those choices if it weren't for the force that is MLC. SS's description of her experience in the tunnel rings true with what I have experienced with my MLCer.
I remember her! She use to post here many years ago. How are things going for her these days?