As the current 24 hours has brought so much of a change to the preceeding 24 hours I thought I would start a new thread.
I GOT THE JOB. YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAH.
I thought I was going for an interview type meeting but it turned out they just wanted to ensure I was clear about what I was taking on as they want me to work in a completely different way to how I do now. It will be a challenge but it's an opportunity I can't afford to miss not least because it a massive promotion.
In addition I arranged to go on two dates today. I've been dabbling in internet dating for a whle with little success. The first date I arranged is with a guy who I've been chatting to for a while and he lives within a mile of me. We are going out no Friday for a drink. The socnd guy I just got talkling to today and he also lives within a mile of me. I am meeting him for a coffee tomorrow.
Just incase you were wondering I'm not a manic depressive just someone who has a lot of emotional up and downs in her life
W2S I think I'm gonna have a bath in champagne I assume you have towles to suit the occassion
Wonderful news, ACJ! Congratulations! And good luck on the dates. I am so pleased and happy for you. I wish I could be there to do the girlie hooha!
Congratulations on the job! I knew you would be okay. So, when do you start?
Well, the new year certainly has a lot of promise here, a new job, and two dates already!
I do believe it's going to be a very exciting year for you!
Congratulations!
Yeaaaahhhh!
Quite a great feeling, ain't it?!?
Enjoy. You obviously deserve the kudos.
Thank you for all the good wishes. I have to give three months notice so it will be mid to late April before I can start at the earliest. Depends how quickly things like references get sorted and then how long it takes to put the offer in writing. I told my current boss this morning. She was really pleased (and then added on the end - for you of course). I think secretly she is glad to be rid of me but that's fine because she is the reason I want to leave!
Had one date this afternoon. He was a nice chap and lives less than half a mile from me. We went for a coffee. I walked there as we have had about 4 inches of snow today. I had a pleasant time. He didn't ask to see me again but we will se if he contacts me.
Next date is on Friday night. All good practice for flirting if nothing else
That all sound wonderful! Is your new job with the same company or somewhere else all together? And two dates in one week...AWESOME. I am so happy for you. see things can turn around when you are ready to open the door and walk on through.
kat
I work for the NHS so technically it is still the same 'company' but officially I have to hand my notice in, work three months notice and then move to the new job. The new job will be about 4 miles away from home. Currently I work 24 miles away from home. It is going to make such a difference to my home-work life balance.
Alison
Funny you should mention the towels, as I only happened to look at the forum today and saw your new title.
What part of "Live the better life" doesn't anyone understand by now? The MLCers and Xs or whatever they are just don't get it. We are all wonderful people who have been left in the dust of a crisis we didn't ask for and couldn't avoid.
But ... if we learn one of the important lessons in all of this ... Live The Better Life ... it will come to us when we are ready for it. You have certainly been preparing and working your tail off to have it, and now it is heading your way. I am certain it only gets better for you from here and I'm very glad to have checked in and seen the news.
Some of it may be a bit confusing to me, as you are now involved in an extended period of giving notice, yet working on while they do additional checks. I just hope that doesn't mean the new position is at risk in any way now that you gave notice. Sounds like both jobs are with same firm in some way, and they know what they are doing as you move along. I trust it is all more clear to you and that is all that counts.
Congrats on the good news!!! And the towels are currently being warmed for your convenience, so soak away and relax.
(((new Alison)))
((((((((((W2S))))))))))))
Good to hear from you.
We have a funny system of 'giving notice' here in UK. At the moment I have just given my line manager verbal notice of the fact that I have accepted a new position. Nothing is set in stone until they receive it in writing. I won't be providing them with that until I have had an official offer in writing from the new place. The two jobs aren't the same company but it is all part of the NHS. The government here sets public sector worker notice periods and the higher your position the longer notice you have to give hence the 3 months. Minimum for lower graded jobs is a month. They also don't collect in your references until after the interview and after you have verbally accepted the job. Weird I know but that's the way it is.
I'm so glad you came on and spoted my new thread. Thanks for the towlels and let me know how you are getting on. Do you have a thread?
ACJ,
I am so happy for you my dear. You so deserve this. Your New Year is starting off so well. Congrats.....
Thanks T. Things can only look up for both of us
Well I had my second date of the week last night. He was a really nice person but the poor fella looked a bit like shrek!
It has snowed quite badly here (for England) and so I walked as we had arranged to meet at a local pub. He took the time to ensure I had got home safely and told me that he had enjoyed my company. He is the first person that I've met on the internet that has done that. Usually they disappear into the ether and i never hear from them again.
Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.
Oh and I've just found out I only actually have to give 2 months notice.
Yay!!!
WooHoo!!!
Congrats Alison!!!
I hardly ever come to this site anymore, but saw the title of your new thread and had to take a peek.
Truly, I am thrilled for you, such wonderful news.
You sound so confident and self assured.
Mazel Tov!!!!
Thanks BND. I guess my time here is limited also but it needs to be a gradual withdrawal as it has played such a big supportive part in my life. I'm so glad that things continue to work for you and your H.
You've been quiet. Hope all is well.
hugs, kat
I'm fine Kat thank you. I've just been really busy this week. Also I'm trying to wean myself off this BB. It doesn't seem quite right coming her to a divorce site and then going onto a dating site
XH has suddenly started being nice and considerate to me. 3yrs too late. Oh well it ended how it ended
Hope you are surviving the weather there reasonably well. In what way is H being nice? Or, is he just not being mean? Kind of a contrast thing?
I am glad you've started dating and keeping it light and lots. Pointless jumping into a relationship too soon, 'eh?
Take care.
All the snow has just about gone now as it has rained for the last couple of days.
H is being nice by way of actually seeming to be considerate. First he TMd me last week when S17 stayed to ask me to make sure he went to college (he had checked to ensure it wasn't closed due to snow) then this week he asked if it was alright for D14 to come home on Friday as his new in laws have come over to see the baby and D14 did not want to stay while they are there. In the past he either wouldn't have said anything or he would have just sent me message telling me what was happening. The last text he sent was hilarious because he had come to pick S17 up. He rang the doorbell and then legged it backto his car. He must have sent the TM from there b/c I got it literallyas he pulled away. Why he can't face speakingto me face to face I'll nver know.
He can't face you because he knows that he screwed up royally and is quite uncomfortable facing you. You have shown him just how strong and independent you are and how great you are as a parent....look what he has now....starting over w/a new family and a baby that will keep him up all hours of the night (at his age, no less). He will never admit it, but he knows that he screwed up and yes, guilt for the way he has treated you since he flew the coop doesn't help him either.
I'm very pleased to see that he is acting like a civil human being for now. Let's hope it's a permanent condition and not one just for the short duration.
Let's hope it's a permanent condition and not one just for the short duration.
Me too. Trouble is I don't actually feel like being nice back anymore
He took the humiliation to the nth degree and I'm not sure I can ever forgive that. I know I should but to be honest I had more compassion for him at the beginning of all this than I do now.
ACJ,
My feelings exactly....
I wonder, and I could be so wrong, if he's being 'nice' because he's going to have to have you on his side with D14 and S17 being more at your house than his. He's going to need you more now.
Just a thought.
BeingMe,
That's a good point as well....
BM,
I think you hit the nail on the head. If you want my honest opinion I think the only reason he is being nice is b/c he is worried sick that S17 will come home and he will loose all that money that goes with him. That's precisely why I don't feel like being nice back
Hey Alison! I can't say for sure why he would suddenly be nice but would venture to say it is because he wants something. As far as posting, I think it still serves me well even though I have been divorced a year and a half. I did move over to surviving.
Believe me, issues still come up now and not just with ex. Always nice to have a sounding board even if we are all virtual!
Keep the positive stuff going. kat
Well I think I'm going to give internet dating up as a bad job. It was fun at first but now I'm finding it a bit tedious. I think I just need to get back to where I was pre-August so I can feel comfortable being by myself. It's harder than you think
I hit an all time low this weekend. I'm very tearful and have no reason why. It's ironic really b/c on Friday evening I went out and had a lot of attention paid to me. I thought that's what I wanted but in retrospect it has to be attention from the right person and he's otherwise engaged
Oh ACJ! You're still grieving! It does take awhile. Try to keep busy this week, and take it one weekend at a time.
I'm sorry you're feeling so low. Try to avoid catastrophic thinking (I'll never meet anyone, my life is ruined, etc.). Easier said than done, I know. Maybe you need to just hang out with women for awhile-- just be goofy and have fun, no pressure. Give your heart a chance to heal before you jump back in the dating game. Sisterhood is powerful.
Yes I am still grieving but not over XH. I'm relieved that is all over with.
Maybe you need to just hang out with women for awhile
That's what I've been doing for the last 3 yrs. Would be quite happy to carry on doing so but those friends are now starting to find new men in thier lives leaving me left behind again. There is only so many times you can go out and get a whole new set of friends.
I know you are thinking of that one guy you went out with recently. the timing wasn't right...perhaps in the future or perhaps someone new will show up. Don't give up. I am rooting for you.
kat
No it wasn't but I really wish it had been. It may have been extremely short lived but he was certainly the type of person I think I am looking for. I think what hurts most is that he knew from the off that it was only ever going to be a fling simply because he wants kids of his own but not with someone who already has them.
I have never had an obsessive nature in my life but this is getting to be a very big obession for me and I need to get over it before it destroys me. Trouble is in the same way I used to think about XH every day (as you would expect after 20 yrs + of M) I now think about this guy every day, not on purpose but something seems to happen every day that reminds me of him. I feel like a stupid school girl with a crush but deep down I know for me it is more than that. The fantasy is never going to come to fruition though and that is the bit I am struggling with.
ACJ,
I am sorry you are going through another loss.
Alison
Sorry to read about your struggle. I take some comfort in seeing how far you have come from just knowing you couldn't live without your X, or that you didn't think you would ever be able to meet someone else - new.
See my train of thought? This is progress, although painful. Try hard to embrace it that way as much as you can - as a positive. The struggle and pain will not be with you always. You became able to move on from X, and found the desire to do so. Now unfortunately you may have to make another leap of faith, forward. You will land on your feet, right?
Ok, maybe with weak knees and upset stomach. But I think those things are balanced by the things you learn about yourself each time you grow.
Perhaps this is your rebound guy? Not to belittle what you are feeling, but you couldn't possibly have felt more than "interested liking, maybe a spark" after a date or two? I think what you are upset about, is that he "rejected" you on a thing that may not have been an issue, ever, in your R, because you would've dumped him yourself before then. How much did you get to know him, really, except that he is brutally honest and rather tactless. He doesn't really know what he wants because if he wants children, then he should make sure he only dates women who don't have any and want some themselves.
But, your attention has been diverted from you XH, and maybe that's a good thing.
Just throwing it out there.
W2S you are right I have moved on enormously. I know that deep down and I'm proud of what I've achieved. Now I just want to be able to share it with someone.
BM you also are absolutely right. However that doesn't take away the fact that he made me feel alive and I think that is what I am really grieving over.
I went, alone, to the opera tonight. I've never been before but I think I will go again as I enjoyed it.
Cool re the opera. I have never been. I should go sometime.
I think what you, perhaps, don't realise is that he didn't make you feel alive (although it might feel that way) --- you allowed yourself to feel that way again. YOU!
Just my opinion, but I cannot believe that anyone can make one feel alive. We do that for ourselves, and allow people in or not.
Who knows BM, who knows.
Since Friday evening I have spent virtually the whole weekend in the company of XH............. Our D14 had an appendicitis and had to have an operation. It turns out it was a pretty nasty appendix and they only just caught it in time. She is still in hospital as she had a bit of a relapse this morning but hopefully if she is better tomorrow she can come home.
At first X barely managed any conversation but over time he has become more open to it. Each time I've gone I have stayed for the day but after Saturday when she had the op he has come and gone. Yesterday he insisted that OW and MIL be allowed to visit. To make it easier on D14 I made myself scarce whilst they were there. OW (who was 29 yesterday) came in looking like she had just stepped out of Vogue magazine. I was jealous at first but then realised she needed to do that to get past the awkwardness of having to be in the smae room as me. The nurses saw straight through both X and OW and thought it slightly comical. I put my foot down today and said only me and X (and S17 if he wanted) could visit. Every tme X arrives he alludes to the fact taht I should leave. I haven't done. She is my child and I will stay with her as longa s I like. I can ahppily sit and read a magazine while D14 is sleeping but he clearly finds the silence difficult b/c that when he gets up and leaves. Of course he does now have to share his time between two families. I am so glad I'm not in that position.
I hope that your daughter feels better soon. I don't blame you, I wouldn't leave the room either. He needs to suck it up, act like a father and learn to co-parent the proper way. You certainly aren't going to throttle him in the hospital room and he needs to understand that you are her mother and you will be there for her.
As for the 29 yr old.....who does she think she's fooling? No one. Everyone can see what's going on there.
Please take care of yourself and speedy recovery wishes are coming across the pond to your daughter.
I'm glad they caught it before it got really nasty. I hope she's feeling better today
Congratulations on being such a cool cucumber! Also for finding humor in the situation.
Your X is an idiot. I'm sure your D would rather OW didn't visit her in the hospital. I'm glad you insisted on staying. Your D needs her mom.
I hope she is better. How scary that must have been! It is good that you were both there and I am sure she was glad.
I will agree wholeheartedly though that your ex and his new wife are idiots!
Hang in there. kat
Hope your daughter is mending quickly. I like the way you handled the hospital visiting thing. Why should you do anything to make them comfortable?
Thanks everyone.
I brought D14 home this morning. She is sore but compared to how she was at the weekend much better. The appendix was already gangrenous and necrotic when they operated so they had to give virtually all of her intestines a wash out to ensure that the infection didn't spread.
X continues to be a jerk but that's his problem. I've made it perfectly clear that he and MIL are welcome to visit D14 here any time they like. No one has mentioned OW (yet) but I'm sorry I draw the line at that. D14 is supposed to be at XHs next week. He is acting as if that will still happen but I'm not sure she is up to swapping houses. I will have a battle on my hands if I want to change things but I'm strong enough to hanlde it. He hasn't offered to let me go there to see her so that might be the deciding factor.
Yesterday OW sent pancakes into the the hospital for D14 which she had 'lovingly' made herself. I so wanted to throw the plate out of the window and tell XH to tell her to stick to worrying about her own chld and let me wory about mine. I didn't but it was v. hard.
Hang tough and stick to your guns! If your D is like mine, she will rather recover at home with mom. My D16 gave us a scare in December. I got a call from the school nurse who was convinced she had appendicitis. I took her directly to the E.R. and four hours later they discovered that she had ovarian torsion-----her ovary had twisted over itself 3 times. They were able to do emergency laparoscopic surgery to untwist and save the ovary. They said another hour and the ovary would have been dead and they would have had to remove it.
I told my H that I was taking her to the E.R. and kept him posted with any news----kept thinking he would want to be there with her, in case they did have to do surgery. He waited to come to the hospital until they made the decision to operate, so he didn't get to see her before she went under. When it was all over (6 weeks later) I commented on how our relationship was affecting how we parent (and we need help!)-----and I was quickly told that he wouldn't have come any sooner anyway.........which I don't believe. But anyway---she's all healed and fully recovered (recovered at home).
I know your D will be feeling better soon too! Probably a bit longer recovery given the shape her appendix was in-----so she will need and deserve a lot of TLC!
Thanks for the encouragement This.
D14 had to be readmitted due to severe vomiting and a wound infection. I just brought her back home today. During the course of this I discovered that XH had changed her address on all her medical details (although has not updated it since he moved again). When I took him to task on this he informed me he was her legal guardian! I would never have agreed to sign anything like that. I have my L on the case if only to prove to him that he can't just shut me out of my kids' lives when he feels like it.
I hope that your daughter will be feeling better soon. She's had a time of it. As for your xh, he's just plain crazy...legal guardian? I don't think so. You would think he would be focusing on his wife and new baby and yet, he's constantly at it w/you and his children. I do hope that you can get this straightened out once and for all. You need a break from the madness.
Thanks Snodderly. There is a fax on it's way to XHs L as I type regarding parental responsibility. I'm relieved to say that I was in the right and XH is very much in the wrong. It will be worth the money it cost to have the letter sent to let him see that he cannot bully me anymore and he certainly cannot try to exclude me from my children's lives.
D14 was really ill again last night. I joked this morning that she is allergic to this house as she always seem to start to vomit again when she comes home. I've spoken to the ward and have agreed to keep her at home for now and to speak to them again later. She must be feeling better as she has just had a nice long soak in the bath which she hasn't even wanted to entertain before today.
I do hope that your daughter is feeling better soon. I feel for her. If I recall, she's an active young lady and this has really brought her down. A nice bath is always helpful.
Good luck with the letter!
Hope your poor kid feels better soon. Did she have a reaction to the antibiotics? She's not running a fever, is she?
Your X will always be an ass.
Yes Andabelle there is a possibility that she is allergic to the antibiotics. Thankfully now she is no longer on them. She is like a different child today, her recovery is miraculous.
As for X..... He responded personally to the letter from my L as he is no longer using the services of an L himself. He admitted in his reply that he was being very dictatorial (bad move honey
. My L was quite clear in her response to me that he definately doesn't know the law relating to children and told me to go ahead with what we had discussed yesterday. She said she could enlighten XH if I wanted but she didn't think he would listen and so I would be wasting both time and money. Of course if he make matters worse she will interject.
And so the saga continues...........
So glad your daughter is doing well. Yay! And, your XH continues to prove his dufusness. Odd sodd, he is!
How are you Alison? And how is your daughter doing? Hope all is well. do you start your new job soon?
kat
Hi Kat,
Thanks for asking I am fine and my daughter can go back to school just as soon as her wound heals. My new job starts on 29th March.
XH continues to be an ass! His latest 'trick' is to tell S17 that if he gets an apprenticeship he wil 'give' him the flat in a couple of years time. He is currently renting the flat at a loss (or so he says) and it is in negative equity so S17 would effectively be taking on an £85,000 mortgage at 19/20.
My reaction? I had two initial ones:
What about your sisters what help is he going to give them?
Why would you want to tie yourslef down at such a young age with a whopping mortgage (which he won't be able to afford)at such a young age?
Ironically the only reason I found out about all this is b/c S17 skipped college again yesterday based on this convo with XH. He thought it a better use of his time to look for an apprenticeship than go to college.
I let XH know that S17 had skipped school again and he was expectedly furious but I don't suppose for one minute he will take r esponsibility for his part in it.
If your son skipped college to go looking for an apprenticeship immediately... does that mean he is buying into his dad's scheme? I know your X hasn't done anything for your eldest D, but that hasn't seemed to bother him in the past. Doesn't he see his dad isn't doing him any favors-- if your X can't afford the flat, how on earth will he?! Particularly since he won't be making much as an apprentice.
As some point your S and youngest D are going to start feeling seriously used. I mean, wow-- what sort of man plays his kids this way?! When the penny finally drops, they're going to be FURIOUS with him.
Is your youngest D moving back in with him now that she's on the mend, or will she be staying with you?
Andabelle,
I even went so far as to point out to S17 the devisiveness of XHs actions. S17 said he had already spoken to D14 about it and she was 'cool'. however at 14 she obviously won't realise the full implications. He also said he isn't looking forward to having to tell D19 at which point I said if his dad had really thought this through he wouldn't be putting S17 in that position. I was extremely bold and also asked him to question why his dad would want him to do that. He asked me what I meant and I said I thought his dad was trying to buy his love by rewarding S17 for being 'loyal' and punishing D19 for not. This provoked a very prolonged silence!
Eventually I suggested to him that he speak to other people that he knows who are parents to ask them for their take on the sithc. I know he has done this b/c I had a friend staying last might and he asked her when I went out the room to make a drink. I hpe he asks afew more as hopefully he will get a few answer that he hadn't bargained o. My friend asked him why at 19/20 he would want to be tied donw with a flat when he could be off travelling and exploring the world.
D14 has bowed to XHs pressure to go stay with him this week even though it was officially my turn to have her. I've still made a point of taking her to her nurse appointments though (much to XHs disgust) and she has spent a lot of time here.
I'm playing the long game. I know that eventually my two younger children will see through XHs actions but I'm not looking forward to having to pick up the pieces.
The hardest thing is to let them deal with their own mess. The kids relationship with their Dad is just that...theirs. I jump in when the kids ask me or tell me but for the most part I let him deal with the chaos and havoc he has created. I know, easier said than done.
Thinking of you. kat
I'm playing the long game. I know that eventually my two younger children will see through XHs actions but I'm not looking forward to having to pick up the pieces.
You may not have to pick up any pieces because he's the one that will fall apart. Although, it seems, he only cares if they are malleable to his word. This will only last until they are hitting the 20's and then they will tell him to take a hike. But, of course, he will have his new little family. I feel sorry for the new baby.
By picking up the pieces I meant being for them when they realise that thier dad is not who they thought he was.
BM I too feel incredibly sad for the new baby.
I have seen my kids have to face the fact that their father is not who they thought he was. It is tough. They get clingy and depressed. For example, my son is in college. His father agreed to pay a percentage of his tuition at the beginning of the year but just last week decided to back out of this. My son was devastated. My ex has just come back from a cruise. This is his 3rd trip this year. I don't talk bad about ex at all, but offer my support and a listening ear as well as my checkbook on many occassions. It is hard on everyone.
Right now I do not like my life. I hate seeing my children spend time with the manipulative man that is now thier father. I hate being in the house alone and facing weekends competely mute. I hate booking to go to the theatre by myself just so I don't go stark raving mad and worst of all I hate having to pretend that everything is alright when it so clearly isn't.
I know this is hard. One of the things I have done to occupy myself is help others, but the experience hasn't been all positive (note to self: chronically ill people can be MEAN!). I guess we just have to keep trying new activities until we find something that works for us. Yesterday I decided I wanted to start swimming, so I went out and bought a new bathing suit, beautiful beach towels, sandals, gym bag, the works. Now I'm really excited about it.
Thanks for your support Andabelle. Unfortunately I think I've exhausted all the new activities that are avaiable locally. Swimming is great and yes you can do it alone but the point is I DON'T WANT TO. I'm not a person who is happy to be solitary, that's part of the reason why I had a bigger than average family. Look where it got me.
Classic example: Just after I posted last I had an email from my tutor asking if I would like to co-author a paper for publication based on one of the assignments that I recently got really high marks in. This is a very prestigious thing to be asked and I'm really excited about it (and have obviously said yes) but b/c I am home alone for another week yet I had no-one to share that with. One of my primary LL is words of affection etc and I'm not getting my needs met in this way (in fact right now I'm not getting any of my needs met)and it's quite literally driving me loopy.
The loneliness is very tough. Gut wrenching for the most part. At the beginning of all this I found myself sleeping alot. That has passed and now I have absorbed myself in work or hobbies. I know this has not been what you bargained for. I also hate when my ex has my kids because I feel he is so unstable and careless. Praying for my kids is a daily activity now.
Congrats on your big accomplishment. You are not alone...
Thank you T. I know deep down I am not alone I just hate sitting in this house all by myself. It's only normally for a week at a time but b/c D14 has been ill and she wanted to stay with me when at her worst XH has insisted that she stay two weeks with him. Ironically when she was ill and he was trying to manipulate her she stood up to him and reminded him that she was old enough to make up her own mind. Now she is well however she seems to be letting him walk all over over again. So very sad.
It's been a long (and at times) tough week.
Thurs night/Fri morning was the worst.
Late evening on Thurs S17 sent me a txt asking if he could stay. I naturally said yes but asked why. He said he didn't feel welcome at XHs. I knew from earlier in the week that they were in dispute over S17 not tidying his room. Long story short S17 did stay the night but didn't come in until 4.30am on Friday morning as he had been out celebrating with his GF over her exam results. I was not impressed.
When XH found out S17 was staying with me he sent me a txt saying to make sure S17 went to college on Friday. This annoyed me BUT I let it go b/c S17 has a habit of only asking to stay when he knows he isn't going to be home until early hours of the morning despite knwoing that it makes me mad.
XH tried to tell me how I should handle the situation and this went on until mid mornig on Friday after I let him know that S17 wouldnt get out of bed and after being an hour and half late for work following trying to get him to go I had given up.
His key phrase had been 'I suggest that...' and this had really started to pee me off. When he finalyy suggested that I set boundaries I flipped. I sent the following txt:
'Don't you think I haven't tried that?. No offence but you have no part in my life now so plese don't continue to tell me what I should or shouldn't do. You wnated out, you got it, be content with that'
Funnily enough I haven't heard from him since
Today was Mother's Day. D19 had arranged for her and the other two to comee round and she was cooking lunch. S17 sebt her txt to say he was cathcing a bus and D14 would be there a little later. When he arrived he had a big bag with him. D14 was due to come home from XHs today so I assumed it was her's. It turns out it was full of his clothes. He asked if he could stay as the arguement with XH was still rumbling on. It's a petty arguement over a few clothes on a bedroom floor, he is a teenager, there are other more important thigs in life but it seems XH and OW have yet to remember that. It was the best Mother's Day present I could have had!
I've told him I won't be a pushover while he hides away from his dad and I reminded him that there will be ground rules (which he didn't like). He told me this is only a temporary arrangement and I'm sure before long he will be back at XHs. Meanwhile though XH must be really sweating over the child maintenance payments he gets from me as it goes a long way to paying his mortgage. Maybe a few clothes on the floor in the future will be less important especially if OW has to go back to work cos my payments have stopped.
Life sure is 'interesting' post D.
Wow! Wow! This is a good example of your never being quite free of him because you have children together, but I loved your reply to him -- sure silenced him, 'eh!
Although, 'I suggest' you be more offensive, rather than 'no offense'. LOL
whoo hoo, happy mother's day.
i am glad it worked out like that for you. that would have made my day also. you are handling things great, chin up...
Thanks T & BM.
Mother's Day did not quite end on a high. S17 did his usual trick of not coming home from work (even though I offered to pick him up). In fact he didn't come home until 6am the next morning.
This was despite me txting asking to know at least where he was and that he was safe. I wasn't worried until his GF txt me at 2.30am asking if he was at home b/c she had been talking to him right up to 1.30am and then he had just stopped answering her calls and txt. He had told her he was home with me. Really he was at a club.
When he did come in I decided not to scream and shout as he would have expected but I calmly asked him if he was ok and then enquired where he had been. His reply to the second bit was 'walking'.
V long story short we sat and had a heart to heart over breakfast, just he and I, and it seems he trusts no-one (and I mean no-one). It broke my heart to hear what he was sahying but I let him get it all out. (or at least as much as he was prepared to let out). I think we may have had a breakthrough b/c when he came home he was all for going out and trying to rent a flat now, for the time being at least, he is staying.
X has not even contacted him to see how he is.
Why do you let S17 come in so late especially since it bothers you so? If he is going to be home tell him that he must be home by X o'clock or the doors will be bolted. This is your house and he needs to show respect and consideration.
Don't know why you need to let that go in any way shape or form or is that me just being all American??
hugs, kat
Kat I have done exactly as you suggest several times. One of two things happens:
1) He ignore my messages and stays out all night and I haven't got a clue where he is or who is with which worries the hell out of me.
2) He comes home, the door is locked, the keys are left in the door so he can't put his in (no bolts) and so he rings D14 on her phone to get her to let him in.
After the convo I had with him yesterday morning he is a VERY troubled young man and whilst I agree whole heartedly that he has to learn some respect I am also very worried that if I push him too far he will do something stupid and I couldn't live with myself if that happened.
One thing I realised today is ths S17 has never had to face the cnosequences of his own actins as either XH or I have always been there to bail him out. So from today I am trying tough love. He didn't get up for ocllege today. I reminded him twice what the time was. He ignored me. So after the second time I calmly told him that I was going to work and that in future I expected him to set his alarm, get up and get himself to college. If he doens't do this I will not be reminding him again. If he gets asked to leave college it will be of his own making and then maybe he will start to realise that I've only been trying to help him all along.
Yes, time for him to start feeling those things. When my S17 had his teenage switch click on this past spring to the tune of a $500 cell phone bill, I told him that he was going to have to pay me back. this was money for the family, for food, clothes, bills and I just didn't have a bunch extra laying around. Thankfully I had been able to start saving again(as I had just filed bankruptcy)and had enough to cover it.
He agreed that it was irresponsible of him knowing that I didn't have unlimited texting. We got it all worked out and he paid me back in full. For every action there is a reaction!
kat
S17 and I had another long heart to heart last night. I actually laid things on the line for him in terms of his future. I told him how worried I was about him and said that if other people had told me exactly what he had told me on Monday morning I would be worried so the fact that he is my son makes it even worse.
We talked about his GF and also some other females that would like to be his GF! We talked about the 'hanger-on' in his life and I told him that he had to disassociate himself from them in order to build a good life. I used D19 as an example. When she was younger, just before XH left, she got in with a crowd who were all using weed.. Thankfully she realised it was doing her harm and without any prompting she quite literally broke all ties with all of those young people. That was very tough for her as they had all been friends for a very long time but obviously she chose the right path.
In the past S17 would have started to shout and tell me that I was trying to contorl his life etc and that I was just bitter about his dad (incidentally I never even mentioned him) but last night he listened and I could tell he was genuinely listening b/c he wanted to. He promised me he would consider all that I had said and I think he will do that.
Tonight he is out with his GF. They have both spent the alst two evenings with me. I have asked him to be in by a certain time as he has colege tomorrow. It remains to be seen whether he respects my wishes.
Explain to him that REAL FRIENDS would want you to do well, they will never encourage you to do drugs, skip school, act a fool and not listen to your parents.
You can bet his dad isn't having these conversations with him. Maybe he's finally beginning to appreciate that you're the only one with his best interests in mind.
To be fair to XH Andabelle I know XH is having convos with S17 about not going to college but I doubt he is digging real deep like I am.
Today I've become very exasperated with S17. He came home on time last night
. We discussed what time he would need to catch the bus etc and I even said if he was ready in time I would give him a lift as it's on my way. Did he get up in time? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. Did he go to college? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. So I decided to take matters into my own hands. I rang the college and asked to speak to his tutor. He had to ring me back as he was teaching at first. I've never before been glad that S17's bday in in mid August but today I was b/c if he had been 18 they wold have needed his permission to speak to me! Anyway it seems S17s attendance record is worse than I thought. They expect themto have a minimum of 90%. S17 has a score of 68%
His tutor has sent a letter home but it never got there b/c S17 hasn't updated his address since XH moved before Christmas. He has also been txting him for days trying to get him to handover some information htat the tuor needs tbefore he can submit him for exams in the summer. He hasn't replied to any of them! S17 doesn't know about this convo yet as he has gone to work and had left before I got home.
I I have no updated Xhs address and also given mine and asked for info to be duplicated so that at least one of use will do somoething about it. The tutor was v. grateful for this.
I decided to let XH know what I had done and sent hm a txt saying I needed to SPEAK to him about S17s college and asked him to ring me this eve. I said if I din't hear form him I would deal with by myself. I'm past pussyfooting around him after last week. Anyway he rang back virtually straight away which wasn't realy what I wanted cos I was sill at work but I was just glad he had done as I asked and told him what was going on. He started to tell me that I should take S17 like he had done but I told him that it sounded like that even when he had done S17 still was not staying in the building. His tone changed immediately. By the time I had finished he was telling me how grateful he was for filling in him. It was a bit cheesy to be honest but I guess he feels he has to be nice to me at the moment b/c if S17 doesn't go back there he looses the equiv of a third of his mortgage payments! It did feel nice that he was at least pretending to be nice for a change.
When I discovered that S17 hadn't gone to college today I rang him (before I rang tutor) and asked him why. He just said b/c.......... I asked him if he was going to sign on at the dole office and he went extremely quiet. I'm hoping that may have had some effect.
I'm sure a puppy would have been far easier
I so empathize with you about teens. I have had my fair share of issues with my 4 children.
WARNING! I have found that when I hit on something, like registering for the dole, and they go quiet .... you can bet, it was at least a consideration. Quiet = you've hit the spot, and they hope if they keep still you will go onto something else. In my children's case, anyway.
Good for you, contacting the college. Just realize that you have very limited control over what S17 does. So you have to play it really cool. IMHO.
Take care.
Thanks for the warning BM. I'm under no illusion with S17. He has hoodwinked me waaaaaaaaaaaay to many times before. I'm not letting this drop. He doesn't have to continue with college if he really doesn't like it BUT he can't do nothing.
He didn't go to college again yesterday. I had a day off using up annual leave before the end of the financial year. I asked him to come for a walk in the local park with me. I once read that if you want to get through to men (albeit young ones) you should walk and talk at the same time as they find it less threatening. It seemed to work as I was able to carry on the convos we've been having recently without him kicking off. I treated him to a coffee and a bun and it cost me an arm and a leg!
He was working again last nightr and even though I had an evening out myself I still planned to pick him up. I was driving anyway so it didn't spoil my night. The timings ended up working really well so I didn't end up waiting hours for him like I have done in the past.
Today it is XHs birthday. D14 accepted a card I had made to give to him as she realised it saved her some money. I hadn't made it specifically for him. I've been making a few cards and selling them at work for charity so it was one of those that just fitted the bill. D14 is having lunch with XH and OW + baby siter. S17 is at work but plans to go later to see hs dad. He has told me that for today at least he does not intend going back to stay with XH. D19 just rang to ascertain if it was XHs bday. She was torn between sending a txt and ringing him just to be civil. Sad but a sign of how she really feels about him.
S17 is still here. It's looking pretty much like he is giving up college completely if only because they have pretty much told him that if he doesn't give them information that they need to submit him for the exams in the summer he will no longer have a place anyway. He clearly isn't happy there. I've tried to point out that finishing something looks better than just dropping out but I think it's too late for that reflection for him. It did however lead to a very positive convo about what he is going to do.
To be fair to S17 he has changed a lot although he is still staying out really late far too often. However, I've had no violent outbursts (which is why I sent him to his dad's in the first place) even when I have had to raise my voice to him. For the last couple of days I have quite literally left him a page of jobs to do whilst I've been at work to show him that he cannot just sit around the house and do nothing. I expected to get an argument and didn't. He hasn't done all of the jobs and has only done selected parts of some but he has at least attempted most and done a good job. Today in particular I expected to come home from uni to find him having left me a message saying he had gone back to XHs. That didn't happen
I'd made it quite clear on the list I left for him last night that today we WOULD be having a 'make your mind up time' convo (hence why I expected him to be gone). We had that convo and whilst he got a bit agitated to begin with once I was able to show him that all I want is to help and guide him he settled down. He has set himself a target of going out tomorrow to get some more information on a couple of careers he might be interested in. He came up with the iede of where he could get information from himself and I naturally applauded and encouraged that.
Here is the irony..............
Yesterday S17 passed his theory part of his driving test (just). He hasn't had any communicatino with his dad since he left to come here but b/c he was proud of himself he let XH know by text that he had passed. XH sent congrats. HOWEVER, today when we were having our convo (as descrived above) he simultaneously got a txt from XH asking him what he was going to do. B/c our convo was at a high point in a positve way at the time S17 did not reply. 5 mins later he got another txt asking specifically which day he would be coming home and again S17 did not reply b/c we were researching the pay for one of his career ideas. A third txt came in fairly swiftly that just 'So?'. S17 was very diplomatic and just replied that he had not made any decisions about anything yet (which was the truth). Then came the shocker. He got an immediate reply to say that he had to make a decision soon, that he was old enough to do that now. He went on to say that rules and boundaries could not be broken and existed in all parts of life. XHs finest hour yet was to finish this txt message with telling S17 that if he chose to stay here he could never change his mind and go back!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm sure you don't need me to tel yuo that S17 is really upset right now. Neither of us can believe that XH would put that in a txt message. S17s GF thinks OW will have had influcence over this abut whilst I know OW is V controlling I was shocked that XH would let her dictate his relationship with his own children in this way. For my part I was amazed that he sent the txt b/c if S17 does stay here he looses out on about £300 a month which will be about a third to half of his monthly mortgage payments.
Despite this S17 is yet to make a definiteve decison but has sid that for the immediate future he wants to stay here. I've told him that I am happy with this but that I can only afford to pay XH for nothing for a maximum of another two weeks and explained that it's not b/c I don't want to pay my way for my child but that by paying XH when S17 has not been there for so long and also me feeding etc S17 myself it is not financieally viable or fair on his siblings b/c money that I am effectively giving away to XH could be spent more effectively on them (and S17 of course).
So, that's my update. I suspect the next week or so are going to be a bit rocky in terms of having to liaise with XH but I'm prepared for that.
Wow! What a piece of work he is!! Good for you for being supportive and putting down some expectations for S17. This stuff with the kids is never easy. I hope that S17 continues to explore his options and is able to find a good fit for himself.
Hope all else is going well. Hugs, kat
Thanks Kat. Everything else is going fine thank you.
S17 continues to push me to my limit and I am dealing with in ways that I think are working. For example I told him this weekend that if he continued to not come in on time I was going to implement a 'curfew tax' with the money going to charity. He clearly thought I was joking b/c he didn't come in on time again last night. I txt him before I went to bed and told him in no uncertain words that I was serious. When i got up this morning he had written me a note asking which charity the money was going to and the amount of money that he thought he had overstepped the mark by. As he wasn't up when I left for work I left a message saying the choice of chairty was up to him. I then put the money in a safe place so he couldn 't take it back.
He admitted to me tonight that I am being tougher on him with regards to his curfew than his dad and also said that is probably what he needs right now.
I'd previously made it clear in a telephone conversation that sitting around doing nothing for the next few months is not an option. XH has done me a favour in a way b/c i think S7 has now realised that he has burnt his bridges there and so has to tow the line more here otherwise he will find himself with nowhere to live (he thinks I will throw him out but clearly I would never do that)
There was an article that I read today about a few of the rags to riches stories here in the US. One really well known one was Oprah. She had been sexually abused, ran while until sent to live with her strict father. It was there that she got her act together and started doing well in school and other aspects of her life. Nothing wrong with being a strict parent that puts down the ground rules.
hugs, kat
Having a tough day today. S17 had another alcohol induced crying session sat on my bed at 4am this morning. I don't want to go into why it's a bad idea for him to drink, he knows I disapprove.
I asked him to come into my room when he finally came home because I wanted him to know that I'm done in so far as trying to incentivise him into doing something with his life. I also told him that from this week, due his lack of respect for my rules and boundaries, I am going to 'charge' him £10 a week in board. It doesn't sound much but he needs to know I'm not going to be a pushover and that he has to take responsibility for his actions.
We talked about respect for a while. I only intended it being a short talk at taht time in the morning but we ended up talking for 3.5hrs. From out of nowhere he burst out crying and proceeded to tell me how much he misses his baby sister. That was hard to hear given that she isn't my child but I listened to him. What he said next disturbed me the most. He said he wanted to take her away to prevent her from getting hurt when she was older like he and his other sisters had been hurt. Anyone listening in who didn't know he was talking about a baby sister would have thought he was talking about his own child. It was scary.
I acknowleged and applauded his will to want to protect his sibling and was honset with him back by telling him that the only reason I had given up on my marriage was because I too didn't want another life destroyed by the mess XH has created. That really upset him because he truly thought I hated the baby. How could I, she is an innocent victim in all of this. He did however understand how much of a sacrifice that had been and how much it had (and still does) hurt.
He is so hurt that in the best part of a month his dad has not phoned him once to even ask how he is. He said (and these are his own words) 'that when his dad finally grows some balls back and realises hwat a mess he has caused he will be there to tell him truthfully how much XH has hurt him (S17)' I had the horrible task of telling him that that day may never come. That the man we all knew and loved may have gone forever. It broke my heart.
It's coming up to 4.5yrs since all this mess started and still XH cannot stop hurting us all. I wish I knew why.
Thank God he has someone to talk to about all this-- not really surprising he is drinking and acting out under the circumstances. So sad he is worried about his baby sister. Things can't be all that great at your X's place.
I know it is terrible to hear how hurt they are, how badly the other parent is dealing with all of this. You are however being a really great support to him and your daughters.
Just keep listening and talking and being supportive. He needs you now more than you will ever know.
hugs, kat
One saying that really stands out here is "Hurting people hurt others". Deep, deep down inside your ex, he is a very hurt and scared little boy with unresolved issues. No one can help him but himself.
My heart goes out to your son. He needs guidance and yes lots of discipline. He is of course hurting too.
You sound like you are doing a wonderful job. Everytime I hear of a child hurting in this mess I cringe. This is so hard for us to understand I can't imagine being a teen-ager through this mess.
God Bless.
Thanks ladies for your continued support. It helps so much just being able to put my thoughts down here without feeling that anyone is being judgmental.
I really wish I could get S17 to go to a counsellor. I am obviously prepared to listen to him and help where I can but he really needs professional help.
I wish I could get my ML'er to a counselor........
Hi ACJ! You are such a supportive mom. Thank goodness, your kids have one parent that's sane. Is your S17 totally against going to a counsellor? Is your D14 (is she 14yo now? Gosh, time flies) in counselling? Perhaps your son will go to support her?
Just a thought! Keep up the good work. It's weird how a few drinks plus no sleep gets people talking. Not that I would encourage it, but it did serve a purpose in this case.
Hi BM thanks for your thoughts.
Neither D14 or S17 have had counselling, they both refuse point blank.
D20 has had counselling but it came about in a roundabout manner. Just before XH left she disappeared overnight and I had to phone the police to report her missing (she was 15 at the time). As a consequence they treated her like a runaway (although that isn't what she had done) and put her in touch with a counsellor to help her work through her issues. This had just started when XH left. For her it couldn't have come at a better time and I know for a fact that she feels that this was a definig moment in her life (she was always my 'challenging' child up to that point).
I think D14 and S17 will eventually seek the help of a counsellor but not before the situation has made them both undergo some sort of mental health break down. I pray that I am wrong.
That magic moment has arrived - Karma!
Last night S17 told me he had decided he was definately staying with me. Unless you have had a child live away from you you cannot imagine how that felt. He agreed to tell XH today.
I had told S17 to speak to XH but of course for a teenager that equates to texting
His first txt was to let XH know about the decision. XH initially said do we need to talk about this and S17 pointed out that XH had told him to make a decision and he had so there was nothing to discuss. Within 10 mins he got a txt to say come at 7pm tonight all your things will be packed up for you! APPALLING
I had already arranged to go out for tea tonight so S17 explained that he wouldn't be able to go to XHs to collect all of his stuff. So instead XH bundled it all into his car and brought it round at 5.30pm. There is enough stuff to fill my dining room and my hallway and I don not have a poky house!
XH refused to get out of the car to help S17 bring his things into the house and he also refused to come into the house for a drink. He had the baby with him (but no OW). S17 said that he had wound the car window down an inch and it was through this very small gap that he spoke to him.
After a few trips back to the house XH then got out of the car and stood in the road and told S17 how disappointed he was in him and told him that because of this action he and OW would now be forced to live on the street! He then got back in his car.
Whilst S17 was removing things from the boot of the car he was trying to engage XH in conversation but XH just looked into the rear view mirror and spoke to him via that!
After he left there were several nasty text messages. The worst was this one. A few weeks ago S17 helped his friend clear out his house as his parents had split up. His friend’s father was throwing out some nearly new golf clubs and S17 asked if he could have them as he would give them to XH for his birthday. The father readily agreed. As S17 didn’t end up seeing XH on his bday this set of golf clubs, along with his own were in the car. S17 told XH that they were his golf clubs and XH told him he didn’t want them as now that he had the baby he had neither the money or the time to play golf. The text message that referred to this said ‘I suggest you sell the golf clubs and buy yourself an 18th birthday present as we will no longer be able to afford to do so!’
Tonight S17 and his gf have gone out. S17 readily admitted he wanted to get drunk as he was so upset. About an hour ago he forwarded me a text that OW sent him. I’ve written it out again here so that you can see what a mean piece of work she really is:
‘S17 you are the biggest disappointment of my life. I never thought I can invest so much money, time and love into somebody else’s child! But I did. To ate to be sorry hey… Well bare in mind you are now in same category as D20 Make appointment with your father outside my house when you want to see him as I don’t want to see you. Your father will let you know when I forgive you.Than it’s all up to you. I wish you nice life but do not expect anything from me ever again. Good luck!’ (the spelling mistakes are all her’s!)
I’m calmly sitting here, perversely enjoying every minute of it, as they are both doing me the biggest favour ever. Why would any child want to go back to that?
Quite what money she has invested in my son I don’t know. She didn’t work for the first year they were together, then she only worked part time and now she isn’t (or wasn’t) intending going back to work after having the baby. If anything it is ME who has invested in her child as mine has certainly seen nothing of the money I’ve been paying for the last 12 months since XH went to the CSA. Interestingly I will be their first customer bang on 8am tomorrow morning advising them that I am no longer liable for payments.
Schadenfreude is what you are feeling!
Your XH sounds like a miserable man.
A funny story of revenge...
She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.
On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.
On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candle light, put on some soft background music and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar and a bottle of Chardonnay.
When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar, into the hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything cleaning, mopping and airing the place out.
Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steam cleaned.
Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting.
Nothing worked. People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit.
Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.
A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out and eventually even the local Realtors refused to return their calls.
Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.
The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly, and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.
Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day.
She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.
A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the Moving Company pack everything to take to their new home......Including the curtain rods.
Omigosh! I hope that's a true story --- pleeeeze tell it is so! Food for thought, if ever needed. Hahahaha!!!!
I hope your S17 realises that he has nothing to be sorry for or guilty. Now he knows how you felt, and D20. Your XH is such a .... I can't even describe it. That OW is sure a piece of work. And, why would your XH think they would be out on the streets. What a drama queen! And I meant to say 'queen'.
Happy day to have your son back! Yayayayayaya!
Ally I'm so pleased for you.
I'm sad about his dad's reaction - but gee it vindicates the feelings you've been having hey? That ex-husband of yours really did want the kids for the $$???? That's amazing.
You know the most perfect part of this though - is that finally he may have to actually take responsibility for the decisions he's taken. What sort of emotionally crippled individual shacks up with a young woman and has a baby with them without the resources to support that family? Really sad result for exH, OW and most importantly the baby.
I wonder how long OW will hang around without the extra money coming in??
Well done on having your son home. V
ACJ,
What your ex and OW are doing to your son is horrible.
Things are not so good over there and they will continue to get worse.
The kids do eventually see the truth.
God is good.
Kerry I loved your story! True or not it made me laugh out so loud S17 and his gf came into the room to find out what was so amusing. They loved it too!
BM S17 knows that he is not guilty of anything other than trying to make himself happy and isn’t that what we all want? XH made the comment about being on the streets b/c he has made no secret of the fact that without the money from me and child benefit etc he cannot afford the house he bought and moved into just before Christmas. It was stupid of him to take that risk b/c even if S17 had stayed I only had another 16 months where I would have been forced to pay anyway. After that I probably would have continued to contribute but at a level that I could afford and not one that was imposed upon me by a system that the government openly admits is less than perfect but refuses to do anything about it.
Walking. I’m sad to be in that ‘told you so’ position but yes I do now feel vindicated. I don’t believe XH will now start to take responsibility for what he has done. He and OW have already started to transfer their manipulative skills onto D14. Unfortunately for them she too has wised up over this! Maybe when they have pushed her beyond a limit that she is prepared to accept, like D20 and S17, then XH will realise but whilst he still has someone to dig at and who he thinks by doing so will ultimately get at me he will just continue to do what he is doing now. So very sad. I think he will end up having created two families but only having one that actually wants anything to do with him.
T. I think you are right. We haven’t seen the worst of XH yet. I am worried about that but at least feel equipped deal with it when it does finally happen.
S17 suggested today that we go for a walk in a nearby park. It is a very large park and as the weather has been so nice it was very busy. However, we had a really lovely time. He didn’t invite his gf along so there was just us two. It was so nice to spend some real quality time with him without him feeling that he has to do it to keep up appearances.
I am glad your S17 isn't feeling guilty, ACJ ---- pity his dad isn't feeling that way. He shouldn't be sleeping at night, the way he has treated his children. That poor baby! (Oh wait, he probably isn't sleeping at night with a small infant in the house.) I bet your X thought he had "outsmarted" you in some way. The laugh's on him because you have a clear conscience and your kids now. You did the right thing throughout, even when you were trying to reconcile. You showed your children that you tried everything you could to keep their family together. In other words, you can hold your head up, while he should hang his in shame. But, the MLCer (if that is what he has) never sees reality for what it is; rewriting history, laying blame where it doesn't belong, etc.
Your son is becoming an adult. It sure was nice of him to suggest the walk in the park without GF. Has he decided on what to do re studies? My son is 22yo and has just focused on welding as a career, even though he is very talented with computers and we hoped he would get an IT degree. But, welding it is, and perhaps that's a good idea because there are more jobs in the trades.
Take care.
Everything is somebody else's fault-- your X even said he would lose the house "because of the baby"! OW sounds just like him. Thank goodness your S17 made his escape. I've a feeling your D14 won't be far behind.
And since when is it his S17's job to keep a roof over his 2nd family's head?! What a guy.
Interesting how they have a way of showing their true selves to their family. Sorry this has been hard on your kids but it sounds like they will be just fine.
hang in there Alison, I am rooting for you! How is the new job going?
kat
Thank you so much for all the continued support.
I think the issue of S17 paying to keep a roof over the head of his second family was the deal breaker in the end. He thought long and hard about this before Christmas before XH bought this house when he was considering come home then BUT the time was not right for him to admit these truths to himself. Now he has done that.
The job............ Well I think it might just be out of the frying pan into the fire BUT I am at least being allowed to do the job I am being paid for. The rest is mainly politics and the recession.
The hole that XH is digging for himself gets deeper and deeper!
It was my bday yesterday. Everything went fine until just before midnight. D20 had come up to see me as a surprise (organised by my parents who had also been up for the day). After we left the restaurant she got a call from her dad. He did not know she was home.
He told her that he wanted her to have a better R with the baby. However there was one condition - that she apologise to OW for all she has said about her first
They had a heated discussion for about 35 mins. XH was not in winning mode! He resorted to dirty tactics.....
HE TOLD HER THAT WHEN SHE WAS YOUNGER I TRIED TO KILL HER !!!!!!!!!!
How low can this man sink?
S17 also had another novel of a txt from OW. She and XH had clearly been having an arguement about our children.
Oh yeah, like she's gonna believe THAT! Clearly she refused to apologise. Does she talk to D14? I wonder what kind of garbage he's been telling your youngest. What did OW have to say to your S?
I'm sure everything D20 said about OW is true (if it walks/swims/quacks like a duck, then it's a home-wrecking whore-- I mean duck!).
He has dug to the other side to China and is on his way back! I see that the baby is going to be currency/blackmail/hostage from her half siblings now. What stellar parents! What an awesome mother this OW is .... NOT! And they had the cheek, the gall to call you a bad mother. Yes, I also wonder what garbage is being whispered into your D14's ear. Is she the next to experiment with living with them so they can keep from "living on the streets?" God! I hope not!
Lying to a child that their mother tried to kill her is slander, IMHO. Isn't that grounds for suing? You should check with your L. Perhaps she can send a little note to him and his OW to stop slandering you or you will sue him. Just to get him scared, maybe?! He's going too far now, I think.
Take care, ACJ!
OMG, what trash they are.
This only shows how very very unhappy they are. Happy, soulmates do not do this kind of stuff. They are slowly sinking in the quick sand of sinful behaviors.
Allison,
Wishing you a late Happy Birthday!
As for the Dimwitted Dynamic Duo, if being together was going to make them happy, they wouldn't need to communicate with anyone else.
If having their own child was going to make them happy, they wouldn't need the love of your kids.
The OW is what she will always be, a home wrecking destroyer of families. I say that in a plural sense, because she will eventually drive your X away or leave him. They are showing how hard it is to live under the shadow of guilt their lives have created. She didn't sign on for all this unacceptance and blame.
He doesn't like feeling guilty, and wants to blame the kids because blaming you hasn't solved all his problems.
She really expected to waltz right in as an "innocent" and doesn't like feeling guilty for the damage she caused. She expected him to protect her from blame and he is failing. She can't find a way to make everything your fault, but it isn't stopping them from trying, so the kids become the target.
They both feel guilty ... cuz they are, and it will eat at them as long as they are together. Their shared bond is casting blame on everyone else. When this finally fails to absolve them, they will blame each other for their individual mistakes and unhappiness.
Be sure d20 understands she owes no apology to anyone for saying anything she believed or believes to be the truth. At least not until she sees concrete evidence to the contrary.
Now ... there is this tradition about a birthday spanking, followed by wine ... or is it wine, then spanking? Hey, you know what I mean ... Happy Birthday and please keep living your best life because you deserve it.
Thank you to everyone.
Andabelle thankfully D20 did not believe him. None of them did. I know b/c I specifically asked just for my own peace of mind. D14 was here when D20 told me what XH had said to her. Interestingly we just had a convo about her going on Sunday. She has already made up her mind that she will go as normal, tell him what she thinks of him as soon as she gets there and then come home again. I even tried to talk her out of it but she is adamant that this is what he deserves.
As for OW and S17 she was trying to vindicate herself but in actuality she just gushed more garbage and spew. She types her messages in the same way as she speaks. As she is from Czech Republic the kids take the mickey out of her by reading her texts in an eastern European accent. I know I shouldn’t laugh but I do.
BM It’s interesting that you mention whether what XH has said is slander. When I told my parents my mother was lost for words. Ten minutes later my father rang back demanding a telephone number for XH saying he wanted to give him a piece of his mind and to tell him he would take him to court. If you knew my father you would know that there is not a demanding bone in his body much less one that will sue in court. I managed to persuade him at the time that the best thing to do was ignore XH (whilst obviously dealing with the emotional fallout for D20) as a reaction is what he wanted. However, on reflection I do think that if nothing else I should write to my solicitor at least warning her what he is up to. It just irks me that this all costs money and he has made sure I’ve spent more than enough on his exploits in the last 4.5yrs. I think if he says it again I will definitely be suing for defamation of character.
Was2 Don’t you know that offering a woman who has only had one romantic encounter in nearly 5 years a glass of wine and a spanking is just a recipe for setting off all sorts of hormones and desires
As for your take on living with guilt I totally agree with you. My children all say that as far as they are concerned is that the best thing that can happen to their dad right now is for OW to leave him and let him know what it feels like to be in this position. I secretly wish it to but I try not to voice it if only b/c there is now another young life that would be destroyed and even though she is OW’s child she is an innocent and does not deserve that.
Did D20 let her dad have it with both barrels?
Yes she did Andabelle but then felt like she had let herself down b/c she lost her temper (and who wouldn't in the circumstances!)
D14 declined to go to her dad's this week. He wasn't very happy about that and tried to defend himself (unsuccessfully) when she explained she wasn't going in support of D20.
Today she called round there to collect something she had left behind and needed. Whilst there she asked if she could bring her hamster home to me. They refused to let her. She pointed out that they weren't feeding it or giving it any water and XH promised to 'do better' at remembering! OW said she couldn't bring it home as 'they' had spent £60 on the cage. It would seem that even when something is bought/given as a present the monetary value still determines real ownership
D14 has now asked me to consider buying a cage so that she can just put the hamster in her pocket next time she is there and bring it home. She said she was going to do this without telling XH and then next time she does go to spend some time there accuse him of loosing it! Classic
Wow, so much going on! Happy belated birthday! I can't believe that your ex and his wife could be so selfish and cruel! good for your kids for seeing through them both and sticking up what is right.
Big hugs Alison.
kat
HEADLINES
World's smartest hamster learns to escape cage and return at will. Rumor is that hamster goes off on wine drinking excursions.
So it has been a while since you have posted. Are things going better or about the same? Just checking in and saying Hi!
kat
Didn't realise it was so long since I posted. I guess that means that I'm probably finally on the road to healing
Nothing much has changed here. None of the kid have heard from XH except D14 and that's only b/c she contacted him. She has decided to go and stay next week as she should. Not b/c she wants to see her dad but b/c she is missing her baby sister and she doesn't want XH to tell her that she can't see her like he has D20 and S17.
I definately cross a mountain peak at the weekend. I ordered a christening present for the baby from my children. As she was born in Jan her birthstone is garnet. So I have ordered two loose mandarin garnets in a presentation box. That way when she is old enough she can decide how to have them set. My S17 was gobsmacked and told me I was amazing and a very thoughtful person.
A,
You are amazing! That is a very nice and thoughtful gift. I'm sure when she's older, she'll doing something special with them. You are an excellent role model for your children!
How are you doing?
Snodderly all things considered I'm going great thank you. From time to time I get very low cos I'm lonely but it passes.
What everyone else said.
But I am also appalled that they will not take care of the hamster. It is living creature, not a thing.
What a wonderful gesture! A great gift to your children as well-- they're able to feel free to love their sister without fear of recrimination.
I've got a feeling that little girl is going to need all their love and support some day.
Ditto on the hamster. Those people are sick. They are holding the poor thing hostage to keep your D14 over there.
D14 has decided to go and stay with XH this week purely b/c she wants to see her baby sister. I support her fully on this. I suspect it will be a rocky ride for the poor love considering she refused to go last time and she is currently the only one of my 3 children who is interacting with him in anyway. My fear is that OW will take out her frustrations on D14. However, I know she is now able to cope with that and will have no qualms about coming home if she feels threatened in any way.
They're holding the baby hostage, too! What a couple of sweethearts.
It still astonishes me how this woman thought herself a better mother to your kids than you! And now she has her own to practice on --- I hope this little one has a strong character.
Something strange happened today.
XH sent me an email saying he had asked D14 if she had spoken to me about the holiday he is going on. She hadn't so he was letting me know when he would be away and unable to have her. He offered to swap a week at a time that was convenient to me! I replied thanking him for the information and said I was planning a holiday but didn't yet know when and that I would let him know once it was booked.
I guess it would have been even stranger if he had phoned me but at least it's a start (although of course it's all to his advantage b/c he isn't taking any of my children with him)
I know I shouldn't gloat but I just can't help myself
D14 just called round. I knew she would be arriving at some point b/c all her school stuff was here when I got home. When she arrived I asked if XH was coming to collect her. She replied no b/c he didn't get the job and so his car had had to go back.
1. I didn't know he had had to apply for his own job (I believe he was only acting up but he's supposedly been doing this since he left - 5yrs)
2. My instnat (silent) reaction was Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeees
Poor thing he really isn't having a great time of it at the moment is he
Ok that is just too funny! Everything is coming apart at the seams but he can take vacation. This man is in the running for King of the Delusional. lol
kat
Everything is coming apart at the seams but he can take vacation.
Yep. D14 seems to think that they are prob going to Czech Republic to see the inlaws but air fares still have to be found.
Guess we will have to wait and see if they become a victim of volcanic ash!
Alison,
Control yourself girl. We might get the wrong idea that you are enjoying this just a bit too much.
Who am I kidding? Never mind. Back to what you were doing.
... karma continues her work. All one has to do is sit back and watch. LOL Not that one wishes ill of anyone, but dammit, these people just seem to want it so bad.
Have a good weekend, ACJ.
Now they will be really up against it, because they can't squeeze any more money out of you than they already have. At what age do you have to stop paying CS for D14? 18? Whatever, I predict she'll be back living with you way before then-- and then they will be really screwed. The Ho will surely have to go back to work. She's gotta be disappointed your X didn't turn out to be the moneybags she thought he was-- HA HA! It really is too rich.
Meanwhile, you have your new job, and are slowly recovering financially. You will have your kids. In the end you will be SO much better off than they will, and they will HATE it!
Andabelle I don't pay XH anything for D14 he pays me (and will have to until she is 19). Now that S17 has come home he will have to pay me more for her. If she stops going there he will have to pay double as at the moment he only pays me for the time she is here with me.
On a 'serious' note; XHs really do have it tough - I just found out from D14 that the car that XH bought (and then screwed me over in the D over it's worth by saying he only owned a third of it) is off the road. Apparently the radiator blew up yesterday. Poor old XH had to go to work on the bus this morning.
Meanwhile I have it so tough. I gained three staff members today
Just checking in. How are you?
kat
I'm good thanks Kat just very busy with assignment writing for my masters.
I knew it was too good to be true that my life was finally heading in the right direction.
Last night S17 and his GF 19 announced she is pregnant. I'm devastated but thankfully managed to behave in what I hope was a supportive way. I believe the opposite can be said about GFs mum. They want to keep it............. this young girl is just about to go to university, my son has no job etc etc.
Not sure I have the strength deal with this after all that has happened in the last 5 yrs.
Hon, your life is still heading in the right direction. Why? you ask, because this is about S17 and his choices. It is his life. Be supportive but this doesn't need to shake your world upside down. It will only if you let it.
hugs, kat
This is nothing compared to what you have been through. You will handle it like a pro.
I agree, this is about your son and his GF. You can only support what further choice they make about the baby, and hope it's something you would choose if in a similar position.
Take care.
I know this about S17 and his GF BUT both only have part time jobs. Her mother is threatening to disown her if she goes ahead with the pregnancy and they have already asked if the '3' of them can live here. That will impact significantly on me in a financial way. I made it quite clear to S17 that D20s help with uni has to be MY priority and he didn't like this but he calmed down a little when i pointed out that MY children who are already born and needing help are MY priority and that whilst I would never not help where I could HIS child was NOT my responsibility.
that sounds horrible but he needs to face the stark truth of what he might be about to let himself in for.
ACJ, it may sound "horrible", but it is true. I have gone through this myself with my two elder daughters. And, I told them that it was not fair for them to impose their poor choices onto me and H and the kids I was still bringing up. All worked out in the end, but it was hard to tell them "no" to certain things they wanted. So, stick with what you can support them in, go with your gut, and don't let them emotionally blackmail you. There is only so much one mom can do. (If I were them, I would put the baby up for adoption, but it should be their choice. You could, of course, present options to them --- I did, to my oldest daughter and she chose to keep her baby and marry the father, but he was in a stable career and 20 years old. It is so sad how one poor decision can impact ones life forever.)
Take care.
thanks BM.
They have just told me that they have finally decided to terminate. In this case I think they have made the right choice but appreciate that not everyone will see it that way.
I am so proud of YOU standing your ground when it comes to your kids. They come first to you, as well they should. I am sure it was a difficult decision for them to make. Kids playing grown-up can lead to so many problems. I have told my 2 oldest, unless you are ready to be a Dad, don't have sex. Enjoy being a kid.
Lots of hugs, kat
It's just a sad situation, and I'm sorry for it. It might be best if they were to break up now-- your son is way too young to be so involved. Maybe this will be his wake-up call.
I predict this will be very hard on him, judging from the strength of his attachment to his little sister. How is he dealing?
Was he even able tell his *sshole dad what was going on?
Thanks Kat & Andabelle.
This situation will not see them split up. S17 has already been out and bought a gold and diamond necklace to show her how much he loves her. In normal circumstances I would think this was a good thing but deep down I know this is a toxic R and so I am less than pleased.
As for telling XH they have decided that now they have made the decision to terminate he doesn't need to know. I'm especially angry about that as it means that yet again they are letting him get away with shirking his parental responsibilities when it comes to my children. I've said as much but S17 just wants an easy life and he knows he won't get one if he tells XH.
Bad as this sounds, it really is true: Their Dad and the kids are responsible for the relationship that they have, be it bad or good. I tried to be the go between and ex thought I was putting words in their mouths. It just led to me being in the middle and getting hurt from both sides.
They all will hopefully get it together somehow. On our end it is still a work in progress as my ex doesn't understand why the boys still refuse to be around him and his fiance/former affair partner. He is actually sounding rather sad when he mentions it, but hey that is between all of them. Not my mess to help him figure out.
hugs, kat
I agree Kat that the R kids have with their 'missing' parent is thier responsibility especially when they are teenagers like mine. I just get angry b/c it's always me that has to deal with the 'grown up ' things and him that up until recently just got the fun side.
D15 is supposed to be staying with him this week but I think she has spent no more than one night there. Tonight she and 6 friends have pitched a tent in my garden to celebrate D15s bday (which was last weekend) and her friend she has known virtually since birth who is 15 in a few days time. D15 asked XH to borrow his tent and he said yes but they had to use it at his house. She knew OW would complain about the noise 7 teenagers would make whilst having fun so a third friend got permission to from her parents to bring her tent here. Those of you who have followed my htread for some tme will know that this is the second time this scenrio has happened. So XH clearly has learnt nothing!
What is his problem --- it's just a freaking tent!? He sure is pushing your children away.
BM you are so right. S17 had an interview for a job on Tuesday. XH knew. He phoned today (Thursday) to see how it went! S17 had just come off the phone from the company telling he had got through to the next stage of the selection process. XH had picked D15 up from my house on Tuesday why coulnd't he have knocked on the door and asked his question then? As I understand it XH and S17 have still not arranged to meet up to sort things out. So that will mean since March 14th S17 has seen his Dad once and that was when he turned up with all S17s possessions in his car and refused to help him unload them.
I did have to laugh tonight though. D15 gave S17 his 'present' from XHs & OWs holiday. It was a large bar of chocolate with cherries and nuts in it. Nasty european chocolate at that
Think if it had been me I would rather they hadn't bothered.
The tent, the hamster-- sheesh (did your D ever get the little guy out of their evil clutches?)! Hopelessly petty.
I was just thinking that this animosity from your X could be that he still has feelings for you and he is denying it. And OW fears that. Otherwise, why can't they just be pleasant and move on with their lives. He especially does not want to have any interactions with you ---- he's afraid of what he may feel. But, he is taking it out on the kids, and that's not fair.
I am so glad that you have moved on.
The hamster is still under seige!
BM you may well be right BUT I have moved on and there is no way that XH is ever coming back here. I'm not adverse to a more amicable relationship for the sake of our kids but I don't even think I want to class him as a friend anymore.
How are you Alison? Just stopping by to check in.
kat
I'm doing fine. No current drama's
How are you?
I got the results from my most recent assignments today. I passed (with merit). Yippeeeeeeeeeee! My tutor thinks that there is a chance my final award will be upgraded to a distinction as the average over the four modules was just 0.25% short. If that happens I'll be ecstatic.
I'm hobbling around at the moment as I had an injury to my knee when I went away with friends last weekend.
Congratulations on your passing!
Take care of your knee. Hope all is well in your world.
Thanks Snodderly.
Apart from my knee all is very well in my world. Yesterday would have been my 22nd wedding anniversary, the first one since being D. It only dawned on me about 11pm so I think that's a fairly good marker of just how far I've come. I'm no longer the frightened, dominated person I was when I first came here. I'm strong, independent and on my way to obtaining a Master's Degree. The only thing missing is someone to share all of that with but that will come eventually (I hope).
Way to go Alison!
Look how far forward you moved once you made up your mind.
You will do whatever you set your mind to, but no rush.
Still look forward to hot towels though (which by the way have been in short supply recently!)
Ugh! It's so hot here that the idea of hot towels makes me want to faint.
I am thrilled for you. All of your hard work is paying off!!
I am sure someone special will come into your life just when you least expect it...
hugs, kat
In a bit of a slump. The UK Government announced yesterday that by 2013 it will have phased out the organisation I work for in the NHS. To be fair I've maybe a slightly better chance than some of retaining some sort of a job as I've got a very specialised role and there are laws that have to be met by the NHS that my job deals with. However it's not what I want to be hearing.
Add into that yesterday I took it upon myself to send XH a txt offering out the proverbial olive branch for the sake of the children (ours and his). He couldn't even be bothered to reply so I guess that means he isn't interested. You have to laugh really as it should be him who is waving the white flag at me after all he has put me through.
OW has snet another letter to D20. She is alledging that D20 said when OW was pregnant that the baby was someone elses other than XHs. IF it was said I am very angry with D20 as even if she said it in anger she should have apologised when she calmed down. When I told her this she suddenly become less open about what she has actually said in the past so I think I might have hit a raw nerve. What XH has said and done to D20 in the past is beyond belief but if she has said things like this I can't (and won't) condone it. It's just such a shame that theree is an innocent baby in all of this.
All this being said OW did then go on to tlake about MY D15 saying she wouldn't allow D20 to see her when she is at her dads either. that is equally bang out of order.
I've decided to stay quiet on the whole situation as if I interfere I will either be accused of putting D20 up to it or D20 will think I'm siding with XH. I'm doing neither.
You are wise to stay out of it. Your XH should've sorted out his R with D20 ages ago, but he allowed it to fester. She is the eldest, and I think at the time he left, she understood the ramifications of it a lot better than the younger ones. She understood that her kid sister and little brother will no longer have a live-in dad like she had growing up. It's going to take a lot for D20 to 'feel the love' again, for her dad (his love always seems to come with conditions ... am I right?), and I think OW will always be the evil person who messed with her family. Hopefully, when she is a little older and wiser, things may change. In the meantime, you are right to keep quiet.
This is the impression I get.
Thanks BM.
I decided to sit D20 down and have a chat with her. I have to admit this was after I had sounded her BF out to see how he thought she would take it. I told her that IF she had said the things OW accused her of (if only in anger) she should apologise. I told her I thought that at very least she should consider apologising for anything said in anger that she may even have realised she was saying in the heat of the moment. I made it quite clear that I wasn't standing up for XH just that I was doing what I have always done and was expressing my opinions about what I thought was right. At the time she was adamant that she didn't want anything to do with her dad and that when the baby was older IF she (D20) chose to have a R with her then she would do so then. I pointed out tht if this were to fester for all that time the baby would probably grow up being told that her elder sister had spread rumours that she wasn't XHs daughter and that if this happened she would never want a R with D20. She said she was happy to not have her dad in her life but there were tears in her eyes when she said this and I made no bones about pointing that out. Anyway I said what I felt needed saying and then it at that.
Yesterday lunchtime she phoned me at work to tlel me that she had TMd OW to say that if at anytime she had said things in anger that shouldn't have been said she was sorry. She told her she wanted nothing to do with XH until such time as he apologised (genuinely) for all the hurt he had caused her and her siblings and most especially me. She pointed out that clearly XH had not been very frank about the truth of what he has said to her over the years. She ended with saying she loved her baby sister and hoped taht her christening went well.
She got a reply back from OW sayig thank you for the apology and that she was now welcome to attend the christening on Sunday and that an inviitation would be forwarded to her (OW has kept her word on that). OW told D20 that she would not comment on D20s R with XH as thatwas none of her business (at long last she is beginning to realise some truth).
I knew my instincts were right b/c D20 and her BF are now going to the christening along with the other two. I feel vindicated for sticking my neck out (with the right person)to help D20 cope with all that has happenedto her. I just pray and hope that XH does not start on her again at the christening. I just hope that if he ever finds out abut my interventiosn that he is grateful.
On a happier note D20 got the results of this year's modules and if she had been graduating she would have got a 1st class degree. I am so prouud of her. She was hysterical whenshe found out as she thought she had failed some of them.
Good job Alison. It is difficult as a parent to see your kids hurt. I have tried to stay out of stuff involving ex but if the kids are upset about something with him, I do hear them out and maybe and give them some ideas on how to proceed. Life is tough going through this. Keep being their rock.
hugs, kat
Well the christening has been and gone. All the kids seemed to enjoy themselves although D20 said it was awkward with XSIL and another female friend (used to be our friend but now XH/OWs) as she said they were really off hand with her. She quite correctly identified this is probably b/c they have only heard XHs side of the story. She ignored them and spent most of the time with her siblings and her BF. Seems that for once they all stuck together which is brilliant.
To keep my mind off things I went looking for a new car.... and bought one! In less than 2wks time I will be the proud owner of a brand new toyota auris. This divorce lark is so liberating when you let it be
This divorce lark is so liberating when you let it be.
I am glad to read it .... I am in the process of separating. It's going slow. You know, ACJ, perhaps your XH did you a favour by just leaving and never looking back (that you know of). It forced you to adapt. Whereas, my M has lingered, and slowly over 6 years died. My H did very little to step up one way or the other. I almost wish he had just left because one keeps hoping and hoping, but deep down you know this isn't going to work.
Super that your kids stuck together. I say a friend who doesn't hear both stories, isn't a friend at all, esp. if they hear bad things. You'd think they would come to you and ask if it's true. I tell my friends I'm leaving, but never really make H look as if he is a bad guy, just not insightful, but not evil.
'Eh! You know who your true friends are at a time like this.
BM,
I'm so sorry to hear your news. Nobody can say you didn't try really hard to save your M.
You are right a true friend would listen to both sides of the story so I no longer class those women as my friends. Their loss as when they needed help (and believe me there have been many times when they have needed it big time) I was always there for them come rain or shine. I have nothing to be ashamed of. I know that if my time comes tomorrow I have done my utmost to try and at least get a civil R between me and XH. He doesn't want that. His problem not mine.
S17 had his final interview for a job yesterday. He didn't get it. That's tough when your first experience of the interview process is to have to go through multiple interviews and selection processes. Worse still he had to go nearly 100 miles for the one yesterday and between him and me it cost the best part of £100 to get him there and back, food etc.
Ouch! Sorry about S17 not getting the job. Did he do a practice interview? That sometimes helps with the nerves, etc. Is his gf still expecting? I forget what happened there.
I guess the women's husbands were more your XH's friends, then they were your friend ... if that makes sense. I just hope our couples friends remain both our friends. I think they will because we are remaining friends ourselves. It helps a lot, and it isn't fair for us to force people to choose, which is what your XH did, in a way. I guess he needed to justify why he left his family, so you were the scapegoat.
How long before the arrival THE car?
Hi BM,
S17s GF had a termination.
The car arrives on or around 2nd August.
I'm really low today. Next week it is my friend's birthday. I knew she was having a BBQ and was just waiting for final details. They came this morning via facebook. She has also invited the guy I met at her party last year and had an incredibly brief but v passionate fling with. I know he has recently moved in with his current GF (who he met just after our fling)so if he goes I expect she will be there too. I'm not sure I can go now. Despite the shortness of the fling there isn't a day goes by when I don't think of him and I'm not sure seeing him right now would be good for me. I know if I put my mind to it I cuold do it as I've been to parties before where XH and OW have been there. I just don'tknow tht I want to ut myself thorugh it right now.
Rubbish. Dust off all your DBing skills and go be the gorgeous woman that you are. Who cares who that old fling is there with? That's his drama not yours.
Ally, go to the party, smile at him, say Hi and then go and have fun and meet other new and interesting people.
We have this ridiculous notion that there are only a handful of people on earth we can intimately or emotionally connect with. it's just not true. So you had a thing with this guy - perhaps he was sent to open your heart again - to remind you that you are still a sensual woman with a lot to give to the world. That doesnt' mean just because it didn't work out with him it's not going to work out with someone else.
Imagine if you didn't go and the future man of your dreams was at that party just waiting to meeting you?
Go to the party Alison. You know this stuff and you know how to strut your stuff. He can't hurt you. She can't hurt you. He's just a bloke you once knew.
Get out your party dress.
Take care, V
I have to agree with V, ACJ. I am sorry you're having a low day though. I hope your spirits perk up soon.
Take care.
I know you are right Virginia. I was v hurt by this man. He knew about all that had happened with XH and he made me trust him. That was stupid. I had just got to the point where I was relaxed again (which is probably why it happened) but ever since I've been back at square one.
I think the thing that is probably bothering me the most is that I've actually met his GF before I knew they were an item (although he doesn't know that and she probably won't remember meeting me). She is an incredibly beautiful woman and must be extremely clever as well as she is a consultant opthalmologist. He clearly has no qualms about being with a woman that earns far more than him (although that's not the issue I'm stuggling with).
I think i can safely say the man of my dreams will not be at the party as I've seen the limited guest list and I already know everyone.
I'm biding my time over my reply as I'm hoping he will have the sense not to go and then I won't have to worry.
Deep down I do want to see him again but for all the wrong reasons.
Ok so I did it......... I went to the party. The 'fling' did go although he was the last to arrive. This was good really as it meant I was deep in conversation with others when he arrived. We acknowledged each other, asked how we were etc. He said it was good to see me. Although we didn't interact directly much we did have the odd conversation. Thankfully he didn't bring his current GF (not sure why as I didn't ask). He doesn't drive as he has any eye condition that prevents him from doing so and had arrived by bus. That's actually a really long journey from where he lives to where the party was. Anyway he was going to go back on the bus which meant he had to leave early but kind of chipped in unless anyone was going his way and good offer him a lift home. I offered, he accepted. We hcatted mst of the way home so that was good. It seems he hasn't moved in with hsi GF as planned (again didn't ask why). He gave me a peck on the cheek when I dropped him off. It was all fine. My demons have now been faced
Bravo! I'm glad you went to the party and had a good time. You also were able to chat w/the bloke and now can move along nicely and not worry about those particular demons again!
Good for you! Brilliant that you could talk and not ask questions about his gf. It sounds like you just listened.
BM you are dead right I did just listen. Ironically when I offered him a lift home I did so under the impression he had moved in with his GF who I know lives near me. So when we got into the car and I asked him where he wanted dropping and it became apparent he was still in his own flat I made reference to the fact that he had told me last time we spoke that he was moving in with GF and he just said 'Oh that never happened'. I was tempted to ask why but didn't.
I didn't DB quite 100%. I did send him an email on facebook saying that it was nice to see him again today. I was honest and said I nearly didn't go b/c I thought it would be too awkward but was glad that I changed my mind and had found the whole afternoon relaxing (which was the truth). He replied this morning saying he was glad I had gone and he had stayed far later than he had intended purely b/c he was relxed too. He also thanked me for the lift home.
I know it's all in the past and will stay there but deep down I know I really connected with this guy. Every time we have a convo it's like we have known each other forever and I can definately read hs facial expressions (which isn't so good for him :)). Just a shame we wanted different things from life.