I really dont know how to put this but I will try. A few times after our divorce my xh and I were intimate. BUT during this time he would set quidelines like. NO KISSING AT ALL during or after (every now and then I would sneak a small peck on the lips). NO HUGGING, and NO foreplay (sorry but I really didnt know how else to say that). NO affection at all just plain ole wham bam. BUT he also made sure I was taken care of if you know what I mean. I ask why and he just says because that is the way its gonna be take it or leave it. And of course I wanted to spend time with him so bad I took it.
Why do you think he does this. He says he doesnt do this with no one else. (I shouldnt of been doing this anyway).
Control, power, self-centeredness.
Ml'ers try to get control from anything because they have no control over their actions.
Exactly. It's all about control and what "they" can handle. Acknowledge that and at the same time, be sure he acknowledges that you have boundaries as well.
Sun
When your XH said take it or leave it you gave him the control. If it ever happens again I would tell him sorry and leave it. That's just my opinion.
My H and I also ML when he was doing his touch and goes. You know moving home for 2 weeks and then back to the ow. When we did ML he was so rough! He left bruises on me, that is how rough he was. Before MLC he was the most tender, loving person and he turn into this. I told him about it and he told me that I hurt his feelings!!!! I wasn't going to be treated that way again!!!!
This just shows you how MLC affects them!!! Like the others have said, they like the control factor. Set some boundries!
Y
Hey, Sunshine.
There was a period of a couple months after my H and I seperated where we were "friends with benefits". It was mostly at my instigation. H was reluctant because he didn't want to "lead me on". I assured him that I could be intimate with him and not expect that it means we are "back together". It was just "in the moment" between two people who genuinely care for each other and are "scratching each others itch" so to speak.
I had talked to my counselor about it. He thought that it could be a good thing, a sharing in the moment, so long as I could keep it just in the moment. And I did.....but then my H felt hemmed in, and then other stuff happened and H completely withdrew again.
My point is that while I don't necessarily believe that sex should be absolutely avoided unless/until the WAS is ready to commit to the R again, I do think it is risky for both partners for many reasons. So, you need to think really hard about whether you can be intimate and be in the moment and have no expectations (that is a very tough thing to do....most can't do it).
However, having said all that, the issue with NO affection, and wam-bam.......well, I would feel that is just demeaning and if I allowed that, I would be afraid of the repercussions on any future relationship we might build, because accepting those limitations sends the message to H that I'm OK with him using me as a "thing". I don't see how that could be emotionally healthy for either of you. Once he has seen you're OK with that, how is that going to help him eventually come to see you in a loving light again?? And, I would think that each time this happens, you loose a little bit of your self respect to him, and that's not healthy either!
So, my best advice is to not engage in intimacy unless you can meet with equal footing at least. Don't do that to yourself!! You do deserve better!!
[[[[[hugs]]]]]
Boundaries, set them they don't like it but you'll be glad you did, just let him know you still care and love him but you just can't be used that way. You need to have control of the situation too, remember YOUR the one with your head on straight.
Thanks guys.
I am always the instigator also. Only once did he make the first move and that was about 1 month ago. We were being intimate almost weekly then.
This is the thing, we have only been divorced 1 month, seperated over 4 months now. The first say 3 months or so he allowed affection, the last few times I was with him he started setting boundaries. He said it brought up to many feelings for both of us. Is it possible that he gets "scared" and freaks out because of losing control. Because I do believe what you said is true, he is constantly telling me its his way. When I tried to kiss him on the neck even, he pulled away and said NO! We are not doing that! He said the last time that it wasnt right us being divorced and being intimate with each other. BUT he also says that no one will ever replace me. (in a round about way).
He is BIG on stuff like, when I am at his house, I am NOT to make myself at home, for instance like I got a drink out of the fridge and he wanted me to ask first. HIS space not mine, BUT he is just now learning that I want the same respect, and he tries, but I think he still feels too much at home when he has to be here, he dont ask to use the restroom.lol
If I told him I wanted more, and I did, thats when he said take it or leave it, and I almost did, but gave in. He def has total control over everything right now. What do you think would happen if he lost control? Also......I forgot to mention that when he is mad at me he always says. "I will never be back with you". Ok, you already said this like a bizillion times.
Do you all think he may also be scared of being pulled back.
and if thats the case, will going dark push him futher away?
Guys awhile back my xh, in my opinion, really fell for this young girl he worked with, she broke it off when she found out he was lying to impress her. He hasnt gotten over her and I think maybe alot of his anger is from that. It breaks my heart to think so, I so wish GOD would remove the pain I feel from things like this. I tell myself its only been over 4 months now, but I wont to be over him so bad,,,but only if thats what GOD wants. I do know that I have to completely let go before GOD can work in my life, whether it be with my xh or someone else or just plain by myself.
Today my xh hurt me badly, I know he was angry, but I will never forget what he said. I did call him, and I left a message for him to call me back concerning his truck. I want to get my name off the title. Well I guess this really made him angry, because when I suggested this I also mentioned that they told me he was behind a couple payments. He now says, he NEVER wants to speak to me or see me again. He called my some horrible names and told me he was getting an epo.
I dont know how this little thing set him off, after last night being so nice to me and telling me no one could compare to me.
Guys all I want right now is for us to be friends for our sons sake. It breaks my heart. I truly didnt expect this reaction from him.
I since learned also that today this lady that I mentioned earlier had spoken to him and they talked about painting a room in her house, my xh offered to paint for her, but I think she kinda blew it off. Not saying yes or no. Maybe he still has feelings for her and when I mentioned the truck it just set him off.
Is it possible he is taking out his anger on me instead of her? I guess he has to unleash from somebody. What do you think?
I don't think it is about control at all....
It has to do more with emotional detachment, on their part.
They have learned to "cut off" from their emotions, and don't want any of the tender moments, or things that would actually remind them of their love for us to cloud their MLC vision.
Sex becomes that, just sex. Just a physical thing without any intimacy.
SSL, when ever they have a lapse and are nice , the next time the spew tends to waaaaaay worse and venemous
so the smallest thing could set him off? That next morning, after he was with me and told me there would never be anyone like me, I had to call him about something and he sounded a little dissapointed. I asked how was work and he said so so. He didnt sound like himself. We had no r talk, it was short on my part and I ended the conversation. I later called him back about the truck being in my name and he sounded worse. Then after work, when I spoke to him, he let me have it. He seemed like he was making up something to just scream at me. He would start to give me a reason he was mad then he would say, no thats not it, I just want you to leave me alone, never call me again and hung up. I dont know the reason for his anger, is it a possibility that he was upset with himself after the night before? and when I called him that day (3) times to be exact it set him off? Maybe he was feeling hemmed in again. All I know, is I have never heard my xh scream so lound. Why do they scream? It's like a monster is inside him and he cant control it.
S,
Let me try to explain to you what is going on. Your h is on an emotional rollercoaster. When emotions are all over the place, people say and react differently than if they are normal, rational individuals. That's why he's doing some of what he's doing. Haven't you ever had a time when you have been so emotionally upset that you did some unusual things? Well...if you have, multiply that by 50 and that's what is happening to your h.
I wouldn't call or communicate with him unless it's absolutely necessary. Just leave him alone. You can't be friends with him until he's settled down and seeks you out. The more you push, the harder he's going to pull away and trust me, you are going to be the punching bag for all of that spew. Now, do you really want to be the punching bag for his emotional baggage right now? I don't think so.
Keep the focus on you and also, read the mlc threads and the mlc archives. There is a lot of valuable information there that will answer a lot of your questions. The posters did a very good job of describing their situations from long ago. Also, read the current threads as well as you may find some who are at the same place you are and can chat w/you about their experiences.
is there a chat program you all use somewhere or do you generally just talk here?
How is everyone communicating besides in this forum?
Snodderly, you are right, I dont want to be the punching bag.
Right now its 3:57 in the morning and I have to work sometime today, but I cant stop thinking about this other woman that is probably in bed sleeping (or whatever) with him right now!!!
People are saying she is a drug head. I cant say because I personally dont know her. He is stooping so low. Plus, his friends are upset because of all the lying. I assume lying is a part of this journey. Although my xh always stretched the truth, I think it ran in his genes.
Trying to get some rest,
ReNeE
S,
If you read the threads that I suggested, you will find a lot of characteristics of the mlcer. Lying is at the top of the list.
You've got to stop giving the ow all of your head space. She's not worth it. You are giving her far more credit than she deserves in your h's life.
Focus on something else and when thoughts of her come to mind, turn your focus to the rubber band on your wrist. Snap!
I have one more question...for now anyway.
I have asked my xh if he is serious with this "girl". When I ask him this he screams at me and says to stop asking him this, and wants to know why I always ask him this with each woman. He says just because they stay over doesnt mean I am serious!!!!!!
He says that just means we are (well you get the picture). He doesnt care to tell me. NO RESPECT. He just says I shouldnt ask if I didnt want to know. Is he right?
Renee
Thats why it says NO R talks...you are prob get an answer you dont like.
now think about this,,,,isnt he acting like a rebelious snot nosed teenager....dont fall into the "mom" pattern. He wants it all his way ...doesnt want to be accountable for anyone.
and you dont need to be treated this way, remove your self from the line of fire. Go dark or dim. Let him see the life he has chosen that doesnt have you in it.
sweets they lie, they cheat they spend...
S,
We always emphasize the no relationship talk conversations and that includes the ow. You will never get a right answer from him and most likely the answers will hurt you more than you ever imagined. It's important to keep your conversations on business and or child related questions and not on the relationship.
In your h's eyes, you are the authority figure (MOM). He doesn't want that right now because he's slipped back into the teenager who was emotionally stunted a long time ago. He wants to someone who is fun, no responsibility and will not question his every word or move. Right now, you are MOM. Right now, you are a reminder of the life he's running from. What do you do? Leave him alone...live your life and allow him to come to you.
Read the MLC Resource Threads and the Archived MLC Threads. Educate yourself on mlc and depression. This information will help you better understand why you cannot talk about the relationship, the ow. Those threads will enlighten you in ways you never knew because your h is a case book example of mlc and running away from reality.
BTW, N2M has told you exactly what is going on.
a new 2maro and snodderly, I am blown away by what you said, it makes so much sense because once I was speaking to him and accidently said something like, "listen son", not even realizing what I said. My xh came up of the sofa and screamed "dont call me son", "I am not your son". I totally believe what you guys are talking about, it makes it soooo much clearer for me now.
I have been questioning if this is MLC, I truly think it is. Do you all think so?
Also, this morning I spoke to my xh about our heat that went out in the house. He said he was tired of the drama and ow talks and just wanted to get along basically. I agreed, he said he understood why I get mad, but he was sooo tired of it. He started talking about a friend of ours that left his wife and 3 kids for ow. I told him he had no right to say anything, and he said, yes I do, I didnt leave you with 3 kids. (no he left me with one rebellious teenager, that I love very much). He talks like since there are no young kids involved, that he did nothing wrong. He has said this several times to me. I also told him that no he didnt leave me for a "woman", he left me for "women". and he said yep that he was not in love, he was in "LUST". One of those things I could have went without hearing if I would of just left it alone. BUT, I continued by saying that I thought he was satisfied at home (if you know what I mean) and he said he was but he wanted to try something new.
Sometimes if I let my xh just talk, he will tell me things without me even asking him. It's like he needs someone to explain things to. He is ashame to talk to his buddies. (they are all married and dont understand), so he talks to me, he tells me not to ask if I dont wanna know, but he doesnt realize how much he confides in me about this craziness.
Does this sound familiar?
I also wanted to add that I thought the no R talks meant only about us, I didnt know it included the ow. I will definately tr and change this.
S,
Now you understand why I keep coming back to your reading the mlc resource threads the archives. You will find a lot of similiar situations in those threads.
Your h's comments and behavior are quite similiar to mlc. I would venture to say he most likely is in crisis. We aren't experts here, but we've been at it long enough to know the lingo and behavior.
If you will just sit quietly, listen and do not interject, your h will tell you quite a bit about what he's thinking and doing. They tell on themselves.
Don't bring issues about the ow....she's nothing and he will protect her to the bitter end of you start attacking. Toss out the mom behavior and treat him as a friend. The ow is doing exactly that....stroking his ego, validating his feelings and being a friend. You are still looking at him as an h and that's got to change for now.
Start reading the threads that I've mention many times...they will open your eyes to what you will be dealing w/in the months to come.
the only thing I DONT understand snodderly is this.
You all say that he wants a relationship without the respbonility, but one girl he was seeing had 2 kids. I feel like he really liked her and tried really hard to impress. He even bought the cologne I think she suggested to him. He did other things she asked him to. She told me most of this after they stopped seeing each other. (She stopped the relationship).He tried several times to get her back, but she wouldnt. She said he got to serious. Talked about taking kids to lake and so forth.
If he didnt want responbility why would he talk about doing things with her kids? That is more responbility than he ever had.
We did have some financial issues. The new woman on the other hand did not. She said though my xh paid for everything and I believe her, because 20 years ago, we woed me with MONEY the same way.
Whats your take on this? Isn't this responbility?
S,
I don't want to come off sounding blunt here, but he doesn't want any responsiblity in the relationship w/you. What he has w/the ow isn't/wasn't responsibility. Taking the kids to the lake, doing things w/them is fun, not responsibility. He's not paying their bills, being a father to them or answering to her 24/7. If he paid for things, it's because he was trying to impress her. He knows she can take care of herself.
Also, they like to play the "hero" when in crisis. It could be that he sees these kids w/o a father around and he's trying to impress her in that way. His own childhood may have him questioning the way his father treated him as well. He may be trying to relive his past to figure out what happened along the way in his own life.
He wants nothing to do w/your relationship right now. He wants freedom to do what he wants and when he wants it. What looks one way to you, may be perceived another way to him in crisis. He's going to be the mirror image of the man you knew. There is no rhyme or reason to what he's doing. There's no way to analyze him and come up w/a firm, fixed answer because he doesn't even know why he's doing what he's doing. Everything for him is based on emotions.
Read the threads on the MLC Resources and Archives. We talk a lot about these types of things.
Snodderly, mostly what I have read on here, spouses are leaving their families for someone else. My xh didnt leave me for any one in particular. He was talking to one girl, then fell for another (he says this was the first person he kissed after leaving me). Do they usually fall for the first person they have sex with after leaving?
We talked today about the heat in my house and ended up staying on the phone for 30 or 40 minutes. He said he didnt regret being married to me and we had a pretty good marriage, BUT he wanted to try new things. (not necessarily sexual). I know they say not to believe what they say, but I believe him when he said this to me. At the same time, he told me he would NEVER be married to me or anyone else. He said he didnt want to be tied down again. I wanted to tell him he would wake up someday, but its useless he has his mind made up.
Do they all say they will never be back or never be married again? Is it that he is enjoying his new life so much he doesnt ever want a family again?
Also, it confuses me when he wants to do things for me. He said even if our son was living with him, he would have fixed the heat in my home. He says he will always help me if he can.
I have told him several times, I will take care of things myself, but he insists on doing them and paying for them. So I let him or force my hand in saying NO!
S,
Some leave for one person, others are putting their feet in a lot of different ponds. They are acting out like teenagers. Yes, they all say pretty much the same thing that your h has said. It's the mlc lingo. I would listen and then let it go in one ear and out the other.
If your h wants to do things for you, let him. Be sure to thank him for doing them.
So I shouldnt believe him when he says he will never be home again?
Snodderly if I let him do things for me he holds it over my head sometimes, when we fight he brings up what he has done for me. He bought me contacts one time and he never lets me live it down. I love when he offers and I do thank him, but I dont want it thrown back in my face.
I really (and bare with me for this) dont understand why I have to be so nice to him. Like thanking him for doing things. HE LEFT ME, I didnt leave him. I feel like he owes me everything. I am sorry if this is wrong, but I get angry with him sometimes.
Does it really help if we treat them as "friends". That is so hard to do.
Thanks so much for being here and answering all my questions.
Renee
S,
You believe nothing they say and only 50% of what they do. Actions always speak louder than words.
Yes, when he's angry, he's going to bring up things he's done for you. Why? Because he has felt unappreciated. He feels he has done things over and over again and now he wants to be recognized for those things he's done. He feels he's done for everyone else and now it's his time. If he raises issues from the past, just say "h, I've always appreciated what you've done for me and I'm very sorry you feel the way you do." Don't get into an argument w/him or try to defend yourself. You are dealing with an emotionally challenged person right now and he's not thinking clearly or rationally and will not see your way of thinking on this.
Why do you feel your h owes you everything? Maybe this is why he's tossing out the past reminders because he has felt unappreciated and he could never do enough to please you or hsi parents. I don't know what he's thinking, but if you are playing this particular card with him, it could be the one that's going to keep him away for a while. You've got to change your way of thinking if you want a chance at saving your marriage. Just remember, some will return, others will not. There's no way of knowing which ones will.
The only way to deal w/him right now is to treat him like a neighbor...he's not your husband even if he looks like the one that lived w/you. He's already separated himself emotionally from you prior to walking out. You need to make your place a safe haven, whereby he'll want to come over and eventually see changes in you.
Now is the time for you to think about what you want to do. Are there things about you that you would like to change/improve? Keep in mind, the changes have to become permanent and cannot be a temporary fix just to get him home. He will know if you are sincere or not.
Again, read the MLC Resources Threads and the Archives...your answers are there. You are not alone in traveling this path. We all have been right where you are and we have had to learn the hard way the lessons on how to deal w/them when they are in crisis. It's not easy, but you can learn the lessons too.
Hey, Sunshine!
You are absolutely right! Our H's are VERY much alike!!
Listen to Snodderly. She is a great "mother hen" and her advice is golden.
I understand the difficulty of your struggle with anger. I've been having a lot of that myself recently. My best advice is to be kind to yourself. Be your own best friend! This is a process, and success is in the journey, not the destination. So long as you continue to get up and dust yourself off and continue forward after you fall, you can not fail!
We don't know what the future holds, so it's no use spending brain time worrying about it. Try to greet your destiny with an open mind and heart as it is revealed to you.
The past is gone. The future will take care of itself. Do everything you can to be as happy as you can today! [Much easier said than done, I know!!]
Take care!!
[[[[[[hugs]]]]]]
Snodderly, I guess I say he owes me because he ran out on his family. I am having a hard time looking at this as a sickness I guess.
I have a friend that doesnt understand the MLC thing. She says she wouldnt give my x the time of day. They have never got along though, because my xh is so cocky.
Ok, with that said, I want to tell you about my night. It wasnt good and you are gonna hit me with a "big stick" instead of a 2x4. Anyway here goes.
I had been speaking to my xh alot today concerning my heating issue. He paid someone to fix it for me and told me not to worry about it. I thanked him very much for this. Later on I was out in town and called him again to thank him and ask him if I could drop a paper off. He said yea. I told him I would leave it outside under the grill lid (so there would be no contact) and he said ok. When I got there he opened the door and acted like he wanted me to come in. I could tell he was kinda ifey about it, but I went in anyway. We had a nice talk and I kinda let things get started down "that" road again. We stopped and I left, he really didnt want to, so I left. I ended up back at his house later on AGAIN. We talked on the phone after the first time I left and he didnt directly ask me to come over but led me to believe that its really what he wanted. I could tell he was fighting the issue within himself. I went and things happened, BUT afterward he went OFF THE WALL. I sat down in a chair for just a sec and I guess he thought I was staying and he said. "It's time for you to go" (yes he is rude this way, its his turn, dont know how I stood it all these years...love I guess), I said ok I am leaving, that I didnt intend to stay and that's when he went off. he said, screaming, "I should never have done this, this should have never happened. I want you completely out of my life". I told him there was no reason to get upset and he just got louder. I told him I was sorry and he was probably right. He said you are gonna call me a thousand times now and I dont want to talk to you. I brought up everything I had done to make him mad lately and even got so excited he turned red and shook his fists together. It was like dr. jekyl and mr. hyde. I mean he went off the wall. He said really really hateful things to me and said he only let it happen because he was a man and couldnt resist. I on the other hand did not scream back, I just stood there with tears rolling down my cheeks and took it. I told him I didnt understand his rage and I was leaving and promised him I would not call him like he thought I would. He said I have got to get you completely out of my life. He also threw in my face paying for heat. I knew he would do that, so I offered his money back and he said no just leave. (he had told me the day before that even if our son didnt live with me, he would have fixed it anyway). Tonight he said he only fixed it because of our son. (see how he changes). I did tell him, he was mad at hisself and taking his anger out on me and he said YES I AM so you need to leave and I did just that.
It may have been a mistake but I also told him I thought his problem was that he still had feelings for me and he gets upset because of it and takes it out on me. He said for me to go on believing that. (I cant help it, I think he still cares. I could be wrong)
Guys, sometimes I think he really is trying to push me completely out of his life. He says this hisself. BUT then other times we can talk and he will say ok I will talk to you in a day or two.
I know what everyone has told me but it is so hard to understand his mind and thinking. He changes like day and night.
Update on things he does, that he never use to do:
*works out EVERY day of the week. (Didnt really need to)
*Takes hydroxycut (but told me in the beginning he just wanted to gain muscle not lose weight-lied again)
*tanning bed (I laughed at this)
*brags about turning women down that want to take him to dinner
*wears VERY tight clothes. Even pants
*stopped biting his nails (he done this for 20 years)(the one girl he dated told him it looked bad, so he stopped)
*1500 calories a day (so he says)
****Says everyone tells him he is MLC, but they are WRONG****
Now I am convinced!!!!
I left and he didnt directly ask me to come over but led me to believe that its really what he wanted.
Welcome to the mlc yoyo, rollercoaster, shop vac , whatever you want to call it. He sucked you into HIS twisted world and spit you back out. Learn from this.
I went BUT afterward he went OFF THE WALL. I sat down in a chair for just a sec and I guess he thought I was staying and he said. "It's time for you to go"
You gave him your strings for him to pull. They LOVE control.
(I on the other hand did not scream back, I just stood there with tears rolling down my cheeks and took it.
Try your best never to show him this again. It fuels the mlc fire. ANY negative emotions fuel it.
He said I have got to get you completely out of my life. He also threw in my face paying for heat.
Blah Blah Blah. Many say this. I'll bet anything he will be back to see if he can suck you back into the insanity again. I hope you take away what you need to from this encounter.
The more you push in...the harder he will push out. if you want to see him calm down...leave him alone. Let him be to sort the crisis out on his own. Judging by his anger he has some real issues that have finally come to roost. to ease the tremendous burden he blames you...and gets even madder because even that isnt making them go away. he needs to face these issues to complete this journey, he doest want to ...he cant begin to until you detach and let him be.
S,
I'm not surprised at all at the way he lashed out at you. Please don't try to tell him what his problems are...he doesn't want to hear it. Yes, you pushed a button when you mentioned he still had feelings for you....that is the root of the lashings, but you have to understand he doesn't want to have feelings for you right now.
I'm very sorry you were tossed in the ring, but again, we've tried to tell you many times....leave him alone. You are constantly setting yourself up for heartache. You put your heart out there to be smashed and trust me....he did exactly that.
The lessons for you are hard because you aren't listening to what we are telling you. You are not alone in this. Whenever a new poster comes here, that poster thinks his/her situation is so totally different and then one day, after we are blue in the face and ready to throw our hands up, they finally get it....LEAVE THE SPOUSE ALONE, FOCUS ON YOU!
You thanked him once and you certainly didn't need to thank him again. As for dropping the paper off...put it in his mailbox or mail it to him. You didn't need to call him about it. You were looking for an excuse to continue talking to him. Wow! He had you right where he wanted....he knew you were still clinging for dear life to him and that's when he took the opportunity to destroy your heart once again. What to do? When they go nuts like this, say I'm sorry you feel that way and walk away. Don't stand there like a door mat and take that crap. You do not deserve it.
I'm going to recommend one more time that you start reading the MLC Resource Threads and the MLC Archives. I strongly urge you to do this. Trust me, you will learn some valuable lessons and insights from those threads. The mistakes you are making, could be cut in half just by reading them. Remember....we've all been down that road and know what it feels like to be verbally abused and mistreated by the mlcer when they are in their most ugliest anger stage.
Pick yourself up and get reading those threads!
ok guys its been 2 days and I have not contacted him, BUT tonight I have no friends available and no family, so I am alone at home on a Friday night and I am stressing here!!! I just know he is out and I am upset at that thought. Help me out here! What do I do to keep my mind off of this. I am so lonesome!!!!! I am praying for company!
Sorry Sun that you are stressing. Welcome to the Friday night club. I spent the last 2 years alone on Friday nights. You will need to find things to occupy your time.
Get a good book, go to the movies, coffee shop, library, rent a movie, anything to occupy your time. I used to do lots of cleaning on Friday nights.
Hang in there and be strong!
did you read the MLC Resources while you were alone last nite??????
I read alot on the board, I think I did.
I am going on 4 days not contacting xh. I no he is with ow and it makes me sick to even think of him, *the man I was married to for 20 years*.
Today I was at work and he came to my house and brought my son something to eat, my son said he asked where I was. He also took my vacumm cleaner. Although I have 2, I do not want to give him anything right now because the last time he saw me he told me I wasnt welcome at his house. He DID NOT come into my house today, according to my son. but sat in the driveway and my son brougt him the vacumm out.
Why do you suppose he asked about me?
I know he was expecting me to call about the vacumm and get angry, but I didnt, I did what he DID NOT expect. NOTHING!
I am proud of me today!!!
Keep praying for me.
Renee
Renee,
Never "assume" anything w/him. He may or may not have been w/the ow. But, that's something you can't worry about and/or control.
He most likely asked where you were because he was going to talk to you, nothing more. Don't over analyze the situation because you aren't going to find the answers. Why? Because he doesn't know why he does what he does himself.
Okay, go back and read your posting....you aren't going to give him anything because he told you weren't welcome at his house. You do not stoop to this level. If you are trying to work on things, you do the opposite. Yes, he would expect you to put up a fight about things...what do you do....the opposite. You've got to work on your anger a bit and come to realize that you'll get more with sugar than you will with vinegar. Just because he says and does hateful things doesn't mean you have to do it too. Two wrongs do not make a right.
Yes, you did good this time. Find an outlet for the anger and frustration. Take a long walk, kick boxing or beat the crap out of a pillow, but do not show that anger to him. He's the one that needs to grow up and you, as his friend, companion and wife, do not need to get into the sandbox w/him to fight it out. Step back, allow time and God to work on him.
Keep the focus on you and your son. That's all you have control over right now.
Snodderly,
I didnt assume he was with her, I know for a fact she was there, her car was in his driveway. She spends weekends mostly with him now. All night, and that is what makes me sick. I try not to think about it MUCH though.
As for my xh asking about me, I found out from my son that he asked where I was before he came over. So he was not wanting to talk with me, just the opposite, he was afraid of running into me.
Since he has been seeing this young girl lately, it seems like he stays farther away from me. He seems more distant. He lied to me las time we spoke by saying her time was just about up and he was moving on to another. Someone seen them out the other night and they were all over each other. Why do you think he is lying about dumping her...or maybe she is ALL he has right now, because someone said he was trying to ask another girl out. Anyway I know I shouldnt care, but I cant help it.
I do, however, have a BIGGER problem that I need help with.
MY SON. I have made the mistake a couple times asking my son (after he talked or saw xh) if he mentioned me. Since then my son doesnt trust me when I want to mention his dad. He thinks I am just trying to gather information from him. My son, like his dad, is not a good one for details. He never tells the whole story, therefore I get bits and pieces about dad.
He (my son) said something to me tonight that bothered me so much. He said I aggraviate him and thats way my xh divorced me. (I know he heard xh say this, so he repeated it). He also said I was completely to blame for everything! This hurts guys. I tried to explain that his daddy was also to blame and that he left us because he wanted to single again and see other women. I probably shouldnt have said this, even though my son will be 19 in June, he still acts very young and loves his dad no matter what he does. BUT I am tired of getting blamed and I am sorry, but I am tired of trying to tiptoe around everyone and play NICE!!! What really did it for me was today when he called his dad and told him I was asking about him and told him to call me, he said his dad said NO. My son did this out of anger and was begging his dad to call and tell me to stop asking about him, and THEN told his dad I wanted him to call. (I never even asked my son to give him a message to call me, I only said I wish son would call his dad and find out about some golf clubs that someone was claiming to be theirs...xh left them behind.
So snodderly, should I phone xh and explain that son was misunderstood? or should I just let it go and not worry what xh thinks? I want so bad to tell xh that I was NOT asking a bunchof questions about him. I dont want him to be all SNUG thinking he has me where he wants me,,,especially if he his still seeing other women (which I know he is).
What should I do?
Keep up the prayers!
Renee
Renee,
Do not ask your son any more questions about your xh. You are putting your son in the middle of the situation and you cannot do this. Your son has to have a relationship w/the both of you and it's very difficult if he's been questioned. Do not talk about your xh around your son. Your son doesn't want to take sides. Okay?
As for phoning your xh....don't do it. Just let it go. By your not calling....it's sending a clear signal that you really aren't bothered by what he's doing and w/whom.
Live your life to the fullest and as if he will not return.
snodderly,
I had not spoken to my x husband for right at 5 days until this morning and I phoned him about son and a couple other things. It was sweet and short. I had to be at a custody hearing for my nephew this morning and received full custody. I spoke with my xh when I returned home to let him know I had gotten custody, I mentioned that I was scared and he said "you are a good mom", you will be fine. I told him I would drop off his mail and I did. We spoke as he was leaving for gym.
This was the conversation:
I told him that things had and that I have moved on (intimately).
(I havent done this but wanted a reaction out of him...I know this has to be against the rules.
Anyway he said hatefully "so how did that make you feel?"
He said he already knew and that our son knew about it and mentioned it to him also. (what a lier, nothing happened)
Anyway he walked away and then turned around and said "dont degrade yourself". I said, "you mean like you did, and he said yes, men can get away with this but not women." we agreed to be friends but he was upset, it was real obvious.
I take that he still has feelings for me or why would he get so upset?
Anyway what do you think?
I know you did not ask me but I wanted to comment.
Do not play games. Do not ask questions to see the reaction. Do not take cheap shots. You do not want to say anything that will cause you regrets later.
If you have decided to stand for marriage restoration do so with dignity and honor. Continue on focusing on yourself, making improvements for yourself, become more spiritual, learn to lean on God. Spend this special time becoming closer to your son. But while you are doing this do not compromise your integrity as a woman.
They become jealous and curious all on their own without any prompting from us.
My xh has for the last 2 months or so (since our divorce was final it seems) been really distant and mean when I was near him. On the phone he seems more relaxed and we can talk easier, as long as he his alone or not busy. We sometimes talk for 30 min and longer. BUT, when we are face to face he seems to be nervous and gets ANGRY really easy. I really cant explain it, if he thinks I am gonna touch him, he gets angry. He has been working out and I went to touch his chest, just kinda playing around, and he freaked out almost. Told me to STOP! As long as their is distance between us he is much better. Why is this?
Then today he really was ugly when he thought I had been with someone else.
Tonight he got angry again and hung up on me. The other girl (not woman) was there and I am sure he was putting on a act for her but then again he is nasty without her there too sometimes. Maybe he was still mad from today. I only called because of son. I try not to use him as an excuse to call, but sometimes I get weak just to be honest. I am doing better though I go a week (5 days) now without calling, so its getting better. He (my ex) said today that he did not mind me calling this morning because he knew I needed to BUT in the past when I went for a few days without calling, I would call alot the next day. I told him I wasnt doing that anymore that I had moved on and thats when the conversation started about me and someone else.
As far as the ow (girl) goes, he says they are not steady, but she has spent the last 4 or 5 days at his house all night. He says I dont understand that shes just somebody.
Anyway I try to steer from talk about her because he doesnt like that but somehow it happens. I am working on that too.
I do think he still cares though but is forcing hisself away from me. He never would admit it in a lifetime though.
If I had to be divorced I was hoping it could be civil. I feel like I have really tried here lately but he know longer wants to be friendly. I think it scares him. I did get off on a rough start, but he cheated while we were still married, seperated but married. He seen nothing wrong with that, he thought seperated was good enough. NOT ME!!!
Are they normally this tense and angry with the left behind spouse if there is someone on the side? We have a child and he is 18 but he is hurting from this. BUT when my ex is with the ow, he doesnt want to be bothered with me or whatever I have to say about his child. AND THIS MAKES ME ANGRY!!!
Hey, Sunshine.
I know exactly how you feel. I too have really struggled recently with letting go! I had been doing pretty well, then I learned that H was dating, and my heart broke all over again! And my mouth started flapping and the words just kept pouring out even though I knew I was making a mistake!
But each day is a new day, and you, like me, have to find a way to really LET GO and take care of ourselves!! Really, we have to do it!! It's our only chance to move beyond all this either with our H's or not.
Your H, like mine, needs to be angry at you in order to justify in his mind the fact that he walked away. Don't buy into it. Don't even give it the power to hurt you.
Hang in there!!!
[[[[[[hugs]]]]]]
you suffer from what BND calls "analysis paralysis" He is what he is right now and that is not anywhere near the man you married or would want in your life.
They lie , they cheat, they spend.....the order varies but they all do it. Mine had a child whore too.
the only way he can miss the life he had with you is for you to leave him be go dark, no contact except an life or death emergency, end calls first, be non-existant. DONT tell lies and stoop to his level. Take the high road.
you suffer from what BND calls "analysis paralysis" He is what he is right now and that is not anywhere near the man you married or would want in your life.
They lie , they cheat, they spend.....the order varies but they all do it. Mine had a child whore too.
the only way he can miss the life he had with you is for you to leave him be go dark, no contact except an life or death emergency, end calls first, be non-existant. DONT tell lies and stoop to his level. Take the high road.
we had a pretty bad argument today and then later I called him after he had time to calm down. He just wants to be left alone, and I have to respect that and move on. We still have financial issues and that is mostly what we fight about. He said today that he couldnt stand the fighting for us to please stop and that he wanted to talk to me once a week or so. I feel like I need to go completely dark as I have been told or else I am getting no where with myself or him. He said everybody was telling him he was in MLC and he disagrees, he says he is just unhappy. I tried to explain that unhappy is part of it. He wanted to know where I got my info, he said I could read whatever on the internet that I wanted to read but he was JUST unhappy. He said things like this new guy will make you happy dont worry (I could hear scarism in his voice) He said you must like it, then he catches himself and says thats fine i want you to be happy and leave me alone, I dont want to know your business and I dont care. I can tell it bothers him.
Can I ask what you all make of this reaction from him, about me and someone else? also, why do you think he wants to talk to me once a week or so. done they usually leave and never look back. I mean he really has no reason to speak to me, his son has a phone.
SSL,
I just caught up on your thread. I hate to say this but I am shaking my head in frusration that you are not listening to what people are trying to tell you. Snodderly especially has been giving you FANTASTIC advice. She has helped me in the last few years, please listen to her, she knows what she is talking about.
we had a pretty bad argument today and then later I called him after he had time to calm down
Why call him at all?
He just wants to be left alone
He is telling you want he wants right now, please listen.
I have to respect that and move on.
But will you? You need to find away to move forward (This is not to be confused with giving up).
I feel like I need to go completely dark as I have been told or else I am getting no where with myself or him
Yes, Yes, Yes!
I tried to explain that unhappy is part of it. He wanted to know where I got my info, he said I could read whatever on the internet that I wanted to read but he was JUST unhappy.
No, No, No! People in MLC don't believe there is anything wrong wtih them, it's everyone else with the problem. Stop trying to convince him otherwise.
He said things like this new guy will make you happy dont worry (I could hear scarism in his voice) He said you must like it, then he catches himself and says thats fine i want you to be happy and leave me alone, I dont want to know your business and I dont care.
This is MLC talk, take it with a grain of salt. They all say the same crap.
also, why do you think he wants to talk to me once a week or so.
Because he doesn't want to let you go fully but at the same time he doesn't want to be tied to you either. He already told you, he wants to be alone. He wants to do what he wants when he wants and doesn't want to have to keep in touch with his 'mom'.
I mean he really has no reason to speak to me, his son has a phone.
They always find reasons to speak with us, but let him call you. Stop calling him, unless it's a real emergency. Stop depending on him, he is not your husband right now. Learn how to become independent. Fill your time with stuff for you. As we like to say around her, GAL (Get a life). He may be out there for a really long time and you need to find yourself. You need to work on you and leave the rest to God. Snodderly has been ending almost every post to you with "read the MLC Resource Threads and Archives". Have you done that?
SSL, I don't mean to sound harsh, but I see my old self in you. I just want you to listen to what everyone is telling you. We have all been down the same path, yours isn't any different. I am sorry you are here, but if you are willing to listen you have come to the right place.
Here you go in case you couldn't find it:
MLC Resource Thread
MrsH thank you so much for being blunt, its the only thing that seems to get my attention. I dont want any of you to think I dont listen or dont appreciate your advice. I believe everything you all are saying. I am sorry, I am just so darn hard headed. I need help. Again I am listening. Please dont give up on me.
Snodderly I thank you are great! Please be patient with me.
I have more to write later.
Renee
I am sorry, I am just so darn hard headed. I need help.
(((((Renee)))))
I hope you are not thinking that makes you unique!
Alright I am trying to read the MLC Resource Threads but when I click on one of the links in red it just taskes me to the message board home page....what am i doing wrong? I really need to read this.
gee dunno, i tried it ....someone will be along that can help!
great post mrs H! Please listen SSL and change your direction. you dont want to be in this place 2 yrs from now.ewwww....
(((((Renee)))))
It looks like when they archived the MLC section the links got broken....
Let me poke around a bit....
Thanks VH.
Guys what is to make of this.
I have improved on calling my xh and trying to take everyones advice. I did speak with him recently about our son spending the night over the weekend. I told him I was expecting company and he made some remark (I cant even remember). Anyway he told me that he was going to pay me back for all the times I called him when he had company (girsl) over. I told him I was sorry for all those times and I regret it, but please dont bother me. I understood how he felt now that I have moved on with my life. I told him the guy (whom he knows, and has never liked) would get upset and I didnt want that. My xh said he didnt care what he thought and he would stomp his a-- in the ground! I told him the guy was already upset about what I was going thru and I didnt want any trouble. My xh told me he would even come to my door and meet him face to face. That he would not want to mess with him.
What in the world is happening? In the same breath my xh says GOOD GOOD be happy go on have sex with him. and then says BUT he dont wanna mess with me. That if he had something to say to him, he would meet him face to face.
My xh also broke it off with the young girl he was seeing, said he told her to go @#$#$ herself! She apparently made me pretty mad, he said he wasnt putting up with her running her mouth. Before I decided to go dim (which is now dark) I had found her on myspace and we were messaging back and forth, which was childish, and she said something to him about info he was giving me. Anyway that WILL never happen again. I am now DARK! Not even giving him his mail anymore. I put it in his mailbox when he is asleep or at work.
I hope he doesnt try to make trouble for me and my visitors.
He probably will make trouble, from the sound of it. The way to get him to stop is just like dealing with a child.... ignore him!
but WHY does he want to make trouble? He doesnt want to be with me, and if he is/was unhappy then why not leave me alone?
It's only been 5 month since we sep,Ree and 2 months divorced.
Renee
So have you decided to move on? Is that why you keep mentioning other men? Are you actually expecting company?
OR
Do you want reconciliation?
I am a little confused. I also want to be very honest with you. You have not been apart from your H very long to already be dating other men. Sounds like rebound to me and that is not fair to anyone involved. It is also causing your H to think of less of you. You can not claim to love someone then run out and find a new person the moment the person you love is not going along with you and being nice. Your H is going to be able to see right through it. You do not need to announce any of these things about moving on, seeing other people or anything because your just baiting him.
Sometimes our loved ones have a hard time that they do not fully understand themselves. They need a rock to lean on. They may not lean on us right away but God willing He will provide a time for that to happen and out spouses will appreciate it.
I just don’t see how baiting your husband and trying to make him jealous is going to get you anywhere. You need to stop playing these childish games. No messaging the other person on My space either! He may be mad now but how do you know that they will not reconcile then sit around laughing about you?
I think you need to decide what your goals are, moving on or reconciliation.
You need to discover your personal goals which only involve you and work towards those for the time being.
Why? Because he's an angry man? Maybe he isn't happy, so you shouldn't be? Maybe he's acting out like a little kid?
VH, couldn't it be he stills cares and dont want to see me with someone else? He did say that it hurt him when I told him about it.
Ok Heartscared, I am confused. NO I dont want a relationship right now , I am still heartbroken. BUT I dont want my xh to think I am pinning away for him. I thought (which was probably a bad idea) that showing him I have moved on will open his eyes. You know, as soon as he sees I am not waiting for him kinda thing.
I want so much for my xh to come home, but not until he has ended his journey. My goal is reconcilation BUT only I want that right now. I see all these people on here that have been waiting months and even years for their spouse and some have not returned. I dont want to be one of those spouses, I dont think I can wait for years. When my xh realized I might be dating, he showed he cared for me and that was what I was looking for. He even said I hurt him when I told him about it. I am not saying I went about it right, heck I dont know what right is. I just couldnt understand why he didnt want to be around me when we have divorced friends that talk nicely to each other all the time.I just didnt think he cared anymore, and maybe he dont, but if he didnt I dont think it would of hurt him.
Why would you think he is thinking less of ME after what HE has done to our family. I am just trying to understand.
Others, not on here, have told me once he sees me with someone else he will wake up, I guess I was trying to play that card. I understand what you are saying, but does it really hurt for him to think I might be moving on and NOT waiting on him. OR will this cause him to come home to quickly and not finish his journey?
I know that others have advised me to go dark and that is what I am trying to do now after being SO hard headed.
I want very much to do what is right. I know I need to wait on GOD to move and for his will to be done. Sometimes we try to fix things ourselves, like I did. I have to learn NOT to do this.
Guys I guess you have learned by now, it takes awhile for me to really absorb what people tell me.
I guess if I am gonna WAIT, I have to get past the anger and not pay any attention to what he says or does. Or try and figure him out...hmmm I think snodderly has tried to tell me this a million times. I think I just needed to make sure he still cared and if so then JUST MAYBE it was worth the wait. I just didnt want to wait on someone that really just doesnt LOVE me anymore. Someone that I may have made so unhappy that they never want to return.
Snodderly where are you! I need you!
Alright I am trying to read the MLC Resource Threads but when I click on one of the links in red it just taskes me to the message board home page....what am i doing wrong? I really need to read this.
Here ya go.
Read read read...
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...rue#Post1539436
Thanks for posting the link. I was having the same problem.
I've been trying to understand what happened to my H since we split last June and some of these links have been very enlightening. Won't fix anything as the divorce should be final in a few months or less, but hopefully I will someday soon understand that this is about him and not me.
Yes, it could be that he still care, too.
I guess my point would be that trying to figure out what is in his head isn't going to do anything but drive you crazy. So, I'll do it, anyway! I would expect that at some level he isn't feeling very good about himself. But, he isn't going to want to blame himself for that. So, who is the easiest person to blame? I think you can figure that one out! He's got to work though that and accept what he has done before he can really come back. And there's not much you can do to help him. All you can do is work on yourself so that you are ready when it is time.
I don't think it is a good idea to do things for the purposes of "playing a card". You should do them because they are the "right" thing for you. You go dark not because you want him to react, but to allow yourself the room to breathe. The difference is sometimes subtle, but after a while you'll start to feel it. DBing is about saving your M, but is really about saving yourself.
(((((Renee)))))
Renee,
You can still believe in your marriage and continue moving forward. You do not wait on anything. Life doesn't wait for us, it continues to move forward each and every day. Learn to live your life to the fullest, enjoy the time you spend w/your child and leave your h out there swinging in the wind.
You didn't break him, therefore you can't fix him. Work on you and what you want to do w/your life. Do not change for him, you change for you. Do not do things that you think will "trick" him into returning. Each and everything you do has to be genuine and for you and your son. If your h likes the changes and he's matured enough, he just might want to paddle back over to your pond once again, but....it's going to a long time from now.
Do not put your life on hold. That is the worse thing you can do. Live it to the fullest!
Sunshine, you know what I like about you? Even though you are making a lot of mistakes (Like most of us in the beginning) you are willing to listen and change your ways.
You seem to know what your weaknesses are and you are willing to improve them.
You have to figure out what it is you really want. It sounds like you are choosing reconciliation. There are no promises that they will be back. You could do all this work and he could still remain out there. The good news is, you will be improving yourself along this journey if you are willing to listen to the advice given to you. VH and Snodderly give great advice.
My husband has been gone for almost 3 years (He is one of the worst MLCers on this board) but I don't think I would of been able to survive this journey and become a better person if it wasn't for the friends I made on these boards.
You are in the right place. ((((((hugs))))))
Thanks for all the advice. I have had the worst Valentines Daof my life! I spoke with my xh briefly on the 14 to ask him to help with my electric bill. He gives me little help and I have never asked him to help with this bill before, but these is no way I can pay it this time. Anyway, thats my excuse for calling. So as I am speaking to him, he mentions he has company and that he cant talk, I ask if it is the ow, (which i shoudnt have) and he replies that yes its his "girlfriend" and that he is spending the day with her, he goes on to tell me that they are officially boyfriend and girlfriend and he doesnt wont to be bothered. Well I knew they had been together, but to hear him say it, it ripped out my heart. I let the anger get the best of me, I decided right then and there that he doesnt want to come bacfk. He told me she makes him happy and they COULD talk about marriage in the future. Just a few days ago, he was gonna dump her and now he is talking about marrying her? He said he just changed his mine basically. I guess this is where I need to face reality. They are happy and there is nothing I can do about it. I just dont understand how he can change his mind so easily and swith directions without even thinking. When I asked if this meant I was out of his life forever he replied NO and that was a stupid question for me to ask him. I brought up the age difference and they both freaked on me. I mentioned he was 41 and he said I AM 40! He will be 41 in April, go figure.
I guess I really messed things up, sometimes I wonder if I care.
Sad,
Remee
Renee,
Once again, you set yourself up for heartache asking if the ow was there. Honey, you have to learn not to ask questions about her. You are giving her far too much head space and she's not even renting!
About your electric bill....call the electric company and work out a payment plan. Do not call your h about such things. In his mind, he's gone, the relationship is over and done with. Come here and ask questions....we all have been down this road and will be more than willing to help you find other avenues than call him up.
To him, your call on V-Day was an excuse and he has told you he doesn't want to be bothered any longer....hear the message, do not call him again.
You have to understand and practice this....he's gone, he's on a mission to find himself and you have to let him go. There is absolutely nothing you can do to bring him back at this time. In fact, the more you aggravate your situation, i.e., talk of relationship and ow, the longer it's going to take for him to focus on his issues.
Renee, this is extremely hard for you, but you need to keep the focus on you and your children. Pretend the man is off on a world wide tour and will not be back for a very long time, better yet, pretend he's deceased. By pretending he's deceased, you know that you are totally on your own and you cannot contact him. Okay?
Keep the focus on you and your children. Nothing else matters right now. Call the electric company this week and arrange a payment plan. You can do this with all of your bills, if need be. Do not bother him with these things right now, because he's not going to help you.
Guys I am a total wreck tonight. Whats new huh?
My xh has always paid the tv bill and he PROMISED my son he would go pay today, so they would not turn it off. Well he said he didnt and planned on NOT paying anything anymore. He said if my son wanted tv and internet he could come to his house and live. This really upsets me.
I am trying to sell my home and pay it off so today I had to call my xh and discuss this with him because his name is still on the deed, even though he gave me the house in the divorce. We got along pretty good. We can do this good, until I say something he doesnt like, usually about his live in girlfriend. I told him he could do better! (Am I ever going to learn to keep my mouth shut?). Guys its been 5 months and I am still running off at the mouth at times.
This afternoon is when I talked with him about the tv bill. I asked him if he was gonna help. (I know you told me not to snodderly, but he promised if I signed the divorce papers he would always take care of us...stupid me I guess). He said NO and then I said well dont get upset, but I am gonna try to take you back to court, I have to have help! He told me war was on and I would live in he--! He then went to the police department and got an EPO against me for 14 days! He described how I called him at work and at home and that I came to his house on Valentines Day and threw his stuff (knives in a sandwich bag) at his door. I am devistated!
He tried to tell me and threaten me several times that if I didnt stop calling he would do this. He thinks I should quietly go away. I have a hard time with that as you all know. I am very BITTER and I dont want to be. I am so SAD and heartbroken. He even brought the ow to the police dept. with him. She made a point to crack her window so I could see she was with him. He saw me crying and I am sure she did too. He again rubbed her in my face. He has said he is happy with her, then turned around and told me he would NEVER be married or she would never move in. BUT she stays there every nite!!! Is he lying to me or lying to her when he tells her he is happy. *he says this when she is around of course*. She is ONLY 26 and he is 41 almost!
That is just not right in my mind. But I guess it doesnt matter what I think right now.
I know I messed up guys. I just wonder if a person can mess things up for good acting the way I have been. BUT then I think, I should be mad. BUT AGAIN, I think, he is just sick right now and not thinking straight.
One important question. I am willing to stand if I knew he was going thru MLC, but I am scared he is not. How can I be sure.
All you experts chime in please?
and Please pray that I keep my mouth SHUT! I have to for 14 days anyway.
Also pray that I can make it 14 days without talking to him. I havent done this in over 20 years. The longest it has ever been is 4 or 5 days. I need GOD'S HELP! And I know that GOD is there for me.
Thanks,
Renee
(((((Renee)))))
Duct tape.
Seriously, it is pretty obvious that every time you talk to him, it ends badly. There is a tiny clue there. Listen to it!
Don't tall him you are going to take him to court, just do it!
As far as his "lady friend" goes, it doesn't matter. Worrying over her isn't helping you. Besides, she is the unlucky one that has him now! You should pity her!
If its in the D papers call your L, DONT call him...its not worth it.
Listen too Snodderly, her advice is spot on.
remember they lie, they cheat, they spend.
If his lips are moving renee`, he is lying.
use this time to heal and nuture you and your S. Time to think
about you...You keep thinking this man than looks like your H
is what he used to be.....hes not, picture a little green man
in there....Sweetie its not your old H, it has become the total
opposite of what he used to be.
what he used to be. Leave him be..."im sorry you feel that
way" and walk away.
Renee,
You cannot believe a word that comes out of his mouth. He will promise you the moon in a basket made of gold if you will do what he wants. Do not, repeat, do not believe him. He will tell you anything just to get you to leave him alone.
Now, I'm going to advise you one more time....don't call him for a blessed thing. I had already advised you to try to handle the bills on your own. Each and every time you call him, it ends badly... Get the strong hint.....he doesn't want to be bothered w/you.
BTW, duct tape does come in different colors. Whenever you feel the urge to call him, pull out the duct tape as a reminder...nada.
Guys i just need to vent right now and maybe CRY. My son told me volunteerly that is dad is sick today. The ow has on her myspace, "taking care of my sick man". I can not handle this guys, it tears me up inside. Please pray for me.
How many think this will last? Also, I am so afraid that when we go to court my xh is gonna suggest that the judge drag the protection order (which is a joke) for a year! I cant imagine going one year without NO CONTACT! It breaks my heart.
I am not allowed to call or go 500 feet near him in 14 days, this I can probably handle. BUT one year!!!!
Ok, get this, I dont know if this is him or not. BUT since he got this order on me to stay away, my cell phone has gotten 2 calls from blocked numbers. Not many people have my number. The first one I got was right after he left the police dept. and then I got another one today at work. Do you think it is him? I dont know who else it could be. He has to be a "little" worried since when he left, I was laying over the steering wheel crying my eyes out. (or maybe not).
Guys I am so afraid he is NOT in MLC and that he is just DONE!
One important question. I am willing to stand if I knew he was going thru MLC, but I am scared he is not. How can I be sure.
All you experts chime in please?
Renee, that's a pretty large age gap between your ex and his GF. He may just be trying to recapture some of his youth. The logistics of keeping a relationship of that nature long term will eventually dawn on him. She's young, probably wants to start a new family, may be a little naive in her expectations of him, and will eventually mandate some pretty strenuous demands on him. Starting a new family at 41 isn't exactly a priority for a Man. The honeymoon ends pretty quickly in these situations. He'll feel the presure eventually.
It shouldn't matter anyway whether he's MLC or not in your case. You can't 'wait' in the sense you 'wait' because your consistently pushing the envelope with him. You can't maintain your composure. Convince yourself he's not coming back regardless of if it's MLC or not. That's the only way your going to keep from going insane.
Renee,
Your h most likely had a flu bug and something you have to let go. The ow most likely knows that you and/or your son are reading her page and put it out there for all the readers to see. These op can be quite spiteful in the best of times and that's why you need to learn to let it all go. Yes, it hurts, but you know what, let her deal w/him when he's sick. Who knows....he could very well be a sorry type of patient when he's sick.
Affairs die their own natural death. No one can tell you whether it will last or not, but I do know this, the more you question him about the relationship/ow, the more determined he will be to stay w/her and defend her. That's why it's important that you not even bring up the issue of what he's doing and w/whom right now.
Renee the protection order was most likely done because of your calling and using excuses to call him. He wants peace and quiet and he wants his independence. He's told you in a very real way to leave him alone. That means...finding a way to live w/o him in your life right now. It's time to figure out what you are going to do now that there is no contact.
As for the hang up calls...most likely him, but I wouldn't put it passed the ow to call just to get you to call and violate the order. Don't even think about calling him. If he calls you, hang up because it's in violation of the order. Do not be tricked into getting arrested because of what he's put in place.
I'm sorry it's come to this, but he, in his own mind, felt that the only way to get you to let him go was to have this order put in place. Now, you have to find a way to go on w/your life, but leave the door ajar just in case he opts to return.
Don't worry....your h is okay. God takes care of babies and fools.
snodderly and astimegoeson thank you both for your posts.
My xh did just have a flu bug, it must not have been bad, it didnt stop him from working out!. Anyway, I have more problems. My son is gonna be 19 in April. I am struggling to save our home and may not be able too with the job I have now. I am looking for better job and pay but need my son to step up and GET a job and help out. I LOVE my son more than anything and if I could I would take away the pain of what I know he is going thru. I tried to talk about it with my son today and he just wanted to yell. I told him I was cutting off the internet on his computer and he freaked and said NO I COULDNT, that he would just go live with his dad! I told him fine. He two-wayed (nextel) is dad in front of me and I heard the conversation. He told his dad some lies. He told him that I constantly wanted him to call his dad (something like that) and that I talked about his dad all the time (use to, but not lately, other than asking about his health), he said I threatened to cut off internet, BUT did not tell his dad it was because he would not get a job. His dad told him to walk away from me and that he understand why he (son) was upset. My xh told our son that he could come stay with himm and to not pay any attention to me.
This makes me SO angry. Now my xh thinks I am still hung up on him, and that is what my son and I were fighting about!
His dad and ow pulled on my street and picked son up. It hurt me so much to see my son getting in the truck with them. I cried my eyes out after he left. Because of the protection order, I cannot call and explain to xh. I feel like my xh should have supported me in my decision to make son wake up and help save a home for us to live in.
It tears me up guys. What should I do about this. I love my son so much. The other woman stays with my xh, so now my son is going to lay there in that house and watch his dad sleeping with her. I dont want my son to think its ok. Help me please!
Renee` there is nothing you can do...let the shine of living w/ an alien wear off. He has no more time for his son than he does you. Right now isnt your xh's behavior and your sons alike???? Why would you want either one under foot? You may have to make some lifestyle changes but in the end you will prosper.
Even if you could tell xh why S is moving in with him and child whore, he would turn it around to suit his selfish needs. You'd get more satisfaction ramming your head into a brick wall. Your xh is looking for anyone to take his side. After your son hears enuff of his MLC blather, he will make his own decsion about his dad.
Now use this time to get a foothold on life and where you want to be and who you want to be. Move forward, GAL...while still leaving the door cracked for your xh whaen he wakes up. get off the roller coaster of his crisis! I remember it all so well when I felt like you.....it literally sucked the wind out of us. Take time for yourself....grieve but dont obcess over the situation(yeah righhttttt...) get up when you are ready and just see how many of us reach our hands out to you, to help you along this journey.
a new 2moro you are right there is nothing I can do about it, but it hurts like nothing else could.
I dont know that son will be able to tell a difference in his dad because his dad does no wrong in his eyes. He takes son fishing, (well he is suppose to) and they have been best friends in the past. My son said before he left..."dad makes more money and I wont have to worry, and that I should get a better job". I dont know if my xh cares if son is on his side, he did tell our son once that he shouldnt resent me and it wasnt my fault he left, but I dont know what he will say to him now. Also xh has said he doesnt care what anyone thinks. BUT a couple days ago, he said he was tired of having his name drug thru the mud. So its confusing and I am not going to try and figure it out, because it seems like when I do he changes it up again.
I use to think I knew why xh left, but then he would tell me something different again and I got confused. He always says "I didnt say that to you"...CRAZY!!!!
My xh has calmed down alot. He made this comment to me a few days ago and to another woman he went out with in the beginning of this. "he said he only kept this young lady around because he needed someone to calm him down". Dont know what this means really but I assume he was getting tired of looking for companionship and settled for her for now. His friends stopped coming over as much and he was getting lonely I think. She the former ow told me also that he didnt care of the girl he was living with now, she said he told her he could care less if she walked out the door today. he also told her he thought about calling her again, just as friends. Hmmm, I dont know what my xh is thinking. I know you all say not to talk to former ow, but she seems nice to me. Maybe I am a fool. I have stopped talking to her as much though.
Also I wanted to ask you all another question and get your opinions.
I go to court on Monday 23rd for the protection order. I know my xh will have his young girlfriend there. Should I try and find me someone to show up with me, so he will think I am moving on. OR just go on my own and dont worry about it?
Thanks for helping!
I wanted to tell you all the story behind this young girl my xh is seeing, it will blow your mind. This made ALL news around here and probably some National News as well, dont know for sure though.
This young girl was married and had a son, he was, I think, 2 years old when this happened. The girls mother had the son with her early that morning and WAS suppose to drop him off at daycare, I think. The girls mother worked as a RN at your local hospital and went on to work forgetting to drop off the grandchild. NOT ONLY DID SHE FORGET TO DROP HIM OFF, BUT she also parked her vehicle, got out and FORGOT the little boy was in the backseat! (I assume he was sleeping). She went in to work and left him there for 8 hours, I think. Anyway it was very hot that day and the little child didnt survive. I can not imagine someone doing this. XH met this young girl at a bar around 5 or 6 weeks ago. This accident, and that is what they ruled it, only happend last spring/summer.
The girl is totally defending her mother and her and her husband is going thru a divorce. Her husband and family are still in mourning. As for the mother, she is living it up with my xh. I am no one to judge anybody. I just dont understand this behavior out of the mother after losing her son.
My xh says people deal with things differently, when I asked him about it. BUT then again, my xh is can be VERY cold hearted and is very COCKY!
(((((Renee)))))
As far as going to courst with someone, only do it if you want someone to go with you. You are not putting on a show for H, or trying to make him think anything. You are trying to take care of yourself. I think a supported GF would be more appropriate than a man, it's about you, not your H.
And yes, that story made the news. Sad.
Renee` please dont take anyone to show off to your xh, take a friend or family member for your support. Dont stoop to his level...nothing will be gained. Showing him youve moved on ( when you really havent) will NOT bring him home.
This childwhore on his arm will be easily recognized and not for good. In fact it will more than likely bring him some unwanted attention.....oh let him be the star of his own nitemare of his own doing! he will deserve it all. You will be elegant and dignified on the other hand.
have you seen a dr about depression meds or anxiety meds????? Please do soon. The only way i survived a court appearence about a D was zanax. you sound so wrought some meds would help stabilize your wheeling emotions.
a new 2moro
I am taking paxil 20mg, sad aint it, I still am not doing so well at times. BUT GOD is getting me thru it. I have hard times, I get angry and show it, but I am learning.
UPDATE ON SON:
My son just walked in the door about an hour and a half ago. His dad dropped him off. (remember what I wrote earlier about him moving in with his dad and other woman). Anyway I was surprised to see him, but told him I was glad he was home. He hugged me and told me he was sorry. He started talking and I just listened, asking very few questions. He said Mom that was just too weird for me and dad said he understood. He said, "Mom that girl is sooo young and very skinny (they say she is a pack of bones), he said, when I got in the truck with them she sat in the middle, right on top of dad and put her arm around him.", He said it was sick. My son also said, "She sits in the same chair with dad and hugs on him ALL the time. Dad doesnt really hug on her.
I asked him if his dad seemed Happy, and he said not really, but he didnt know....and I am sure he didnt want to hurt me.
He said the girl didnt talk and was really quiet. OPPOSITE of me. I talk constantly....so I guess he was looking for something different.
My son said she had her stuff ALL over the bathroom.
He also said, she had bought my xh a 130.00 pair of shoes and had bought Nascar tickets to a race in March.
Instead of my xh spending money on her, she is spending big bucks on him sounds like huh? My son said it felt so weird and that NO ONE would EVER replace his MOM. (smiling).
I guess he needed to see that, maybe now he will understand my point of view.
He also told me that xh said he was SURPRISED that I hadnt called him..????? I dont understand this because he got a protection order against me and I wasnt allowed to call. I guess he figured I would break it. He told my son I needed to keep up the good work of not contacting him.
Sounds desperate to keep me away doesnt it to you?
XH is gonna get a surprise, because after we go to court and IF the order is lifted I still am NOT going to contact him! This little bit of time has made me realize I CAN live without talking to him after all. And while in court I am keeping my mouth SHUT!!!!
He is gonna see that I am getting over him little by little. I still love him, but he dont have to know that. ALSO, I will be looking GOOD!
The ow is a pack of bones, size -0, and she has been talking about me being a size 14-16. She says my xh has moved on to "smaller and better". I dont blame her for him leaving me BUT I do not appreciate the stuff she throws in my face and the talk she does about me. I AM a better person and wiser because I AM older!
Hey Sunshine,
I just wanted to drop by real quick. Please understand I am in no way bashing you. I just hope you are putting your focus on you. The one thing that really helps throughout this is doing things for yourself. Treating yourself to something. Trying something new.
I just know from experience that when you place all of your focus on them and their insantiy it really drags you down.
I know it doesn't seem natural but you have to make this all about you right now and that doesn't mean your giving up, just distancing yourself from all of this and be careful not to bash your x in front of your son.
Take care
Thanks trapt
I know no one is bashing me, everyone is giving spot one advice, I just had a hard time starting to listen.
My xh is apparently crazy about "2" women, but one of them doesnt do anything but flirt and lead him on. The other one lives with him.
How long does these childish relationships last? Does anyone know? Does the WAS usually fall hard when they meet ow?
My xh said he would never live with anyone and anyone would never live with him. When I asked him about this ow staying with him every night. He said, "she just spends the nights, she doesnt live here" HELLO, isnt that the same thing? (by the way I had asked him this earlier, not lately)
I try so hard not to think about them, and sometimes it works, and sometimes it doesnt.
I am trying to GAL the best way I know how.
How do you get the other ow and xh off your min? My xh was dating around and had been with 3 or 4 different women until this girl, now she lives with him. So I assume he really is starting to care for her. He told me awhile back, that when you spend enough time with someone, they grow on you.
How long does these childish relationships last? Does anyone know? Does the WAS usually fall hard when they meet ow?
Who knows....Listen it is absolutely pointless to try and time stamp ANYTHING when it comes to this. EVERYTHING is irrational.
You said it "childish" is exactly what it is. It revisiting childhood in many many ways. One of the hardest things to accept is when we tell you that he is not the man you know right now, You have to realize that. He is gone....will he be back, I think someday....but this takes YEARS.
Do you want to look back on your life after all of this and regret that you didn't live those years to the fullest because you were caught up in the insanity that you have no control over or do you want to look back and say you know, I walked through hell and did it with beautiful stregnth and loving grace. During that time I allowed it to change me for the better. There are some really valuable lessons here to grow you into a much better you. THAT is all you can do right now.
Be a good example for your son. TEACH him how to handle this in a powerful way. Show him just how strong you are.You have to accept that you have no control over this. It's terrible...believe me I'm right smack in the middle of it with you along with everyone else here.
My xh said he would never live with anyone and anyone would never live with him. When I asked him about this ow staying with him every night. He said, "she just spends the nights, she doesnt live here" HELLO, isnt that the same thing?
Sounds like a teenager right? Remember that when you deal with him, he is an emotional, irrational teen for now. He will never have a serious, deep loving relationship with anyone will in outerspace. He can't. They USE each other. They fill a void in themselves in a shallow superficial way.
I try so hard not to think about them, and sometimes it works, and sometimes it doesnt.
I am trying to GAL the best way I know how.
How do you get the other ow and xh off your min?
Patience and time....Loads of it. For both of you. You have to make the effort to focus on you. How do you learn something new?? You do it with practice. You take one step at a time. Pamper yourself, change something about you that needs change. Try something new. Go do something you have always wanted to but couldn't. You are giving him all of your power and energy.
Taking care of you is all you can do for now. You have to just leave him be and allow this process to change you and him for the better. The more he is focused on blaming you for all his problems the longer this will take. You can make this longer and more difficult if you choose to.
One day at a time, one foot in front of the other.
Take care.
Thanks Trapt! I wanted to ask you if your xh is living with ow? I dont think I have read your story yet. How long are you into this? I am going to start from scratch and put my story on here, starting with, what now I see as the beginning of this journey. I want to try and get some sort of timeline if I can. I know I wont be exact, but I would like to get some opinions on my beginning. After reading the resource threads I think it started 2 years ago maybe.
Guys I go to court in the morning for the protection order. I am a little nervous, because I havent really seen or talked to my xh in almost 7 days! A lifetime for me, although it has NOT been has bad as I thought it would be. I really havent had the urge to call him. I know he will this "girl" on his arm, and it will be the first time I get to come face to face with them. Please pray for me, I will need the strength.
How should I act? Should I be upbeat and happy, or should I just go with the flow and act normal. Should I let him see me cry? (I am afraid I will when I see them together).
Please advise me.
Thank GOD for you ALL,
Renee
Well....
I'm still married as of right now. I am six months into a divorce that is moving at a snails pace. I am two years into this however. My wife (LOL!!!!) moved out ten months ago. I have two small chidren S2 and D4.
Try your best tomorrow to "act as if." Do your absolute best to NOT show your xh ANY negative emotions and don't feel intimidated. Act upbeat but don't over do it. NO do not let them see you cry. Take today to relax and prepare yourself. You said it "go with the folw" and remain upbeat.
You can do it!!
Be STRONG and CONFIDENT. Just act like everything is cool.
I'll be praying for you. You will do great.
I do not know if my wife is still seeing anyone or not right now. It is not important.
The MLC'er and the low life they chose are perfect for one another. Neither are capable of having a real relationship. The other person is just a symptom to their problem.
They use them to avoid looking inside for the real issues that they need to face.
I chose not to give the op, if there still is, any power or head space. They are NOT worth it. They are LOSERS.
I know he will this "girl" on his arm,
Let him look like the idiot he is!
You stand tall and dignified....please bring a friend or family memebr
See your son made the right choice!
Renee,
You are still allowing that woman to have entirely too much space in your head. She's not paying rent...boot her out of your thoughts.
If you want to take someone to court w/you, then take a family member or a close friend. You are doing this for your support, not to show him that you're moving on, etc. Whatever you do w/your life from the time he walked, etc., everything is now for you and your son. The changes you make have to be for YOU and they must become permanent if you like them. Nothing you do now is for your h. He's gone and he will most likely be gone for a good while. So, live your life to the fullest and do it for you.
Good luck tomorrow! Hold your head up high, back straight and put a smile on your face. Show this man you can be the best that you can be.
Sunshine,
I hope you check back before your court but there is a tecnique called 'silent ridicule'. I don't have the book (loaned it to friend... this seems to be an epidemic wher I work) but I can get the title for you.
The tecnique is to make a list of emabarrasing positions or actions. Then palce a person (exH or OW)in those situations. Practice picturing them in that position/situation prior to seeing them. As soon as you feel an emotion come over you then you bring that picture to your mind to get your emotions or thoughts back.
You can use it in conjuntion with the 'thought stopping' concept that MWD talks about in Divorce Remedy. It may sound odd but it has helped me. I actually change it up a little and think of a time when my wife was least attractive to me (drunk and nasty) but it helps when you want to get a thought out of your head.
Sorry for your situation ... I know it is tough!!
Thanks to everyone!
It is after 2 in the morning and I am STILL awake thinking. Snodderly, I try hard NOT to give that "girl" any room in my head, but sometimes its hard, like tonight. The ow aka girl, has on her myspace that she is extremely happy and she feels loved. She has not put loved on there that I can remember, so I am wondering if he finally told her he loved her. Yes, it makes me sad, I cannot help it. The thought of it makes me sick!
Has any of you experienced this? Have you had to deal with your x telling ow/om that they "loved" them. Does the WAS fall in love this quickly? Do you really think they compare them to LBS?
Its like I am dealing with something new everyday. Little by little I am getting own with life with the help of our GOD. I praise him so much for what he has done for me!
I will post after court tomorrow to let you know how it went.
Thanks to all of you!
Renee
Focus on you....
Who knows what he has said. If he is having a mlc he is bound to say and do anything. What you should be hearing is. Blah blah blah. So wondering about blah blah blah will get you nowhere real fast.
I'm praying for you today.
SSL,
I try hard NOT to give that "girl" any room in my head, but sometimes its hard, like tonight. The ow aka girl, has on her myspace that she is extremely happy and she feels loved. She has not put loved on there that I can remember, so I am wondering
I bolded the last part for a reason. The reason why you are wondering and giving her so much head space is because you are allowing it, by checking out her myspace in the first place. I know this for a fact because I have been guilty of this and sometime still am. You don't know why she she wrote what she wrote, she could of wrote that because her dog just gave her a bunch of sloppy kisses.
I remember one time I checked out my ex's ow's myspace too and it said the same thing. It bothered me at first, but then I realized I didn't really know what she was talking about and thinking about it was only going to drive me nuts.
Has any of you experienced this? Have you had to deal with your x telling ow/om that they "loved" them.
Yes I have. When my ex first left he TM me "I don't love you, I love someone else and we are having more fun than we ever had". It stung like a b*tch. At the time I had no idea about MLC or why this was happening. Not until I joined this site, read up on it, and read other people's sitches and realize I was not in this alone. I recommend you read other people's threads and you may find many similarities.
Does the WAS fall in love this quickly?
They think they do, but what they really fall in love with is the new, good feelings the op makes them feel.
Do you really think they compare them to LBS?
They might. I believe my H did. Ow is everything I am not. Does that mean I am going to make myself be like the ow just so H will take notice? NOT! I make changes for me and if he happens to like these changes, cool, if not, cool too.
Its like I am dealing with something new everyday
Yeah, that's why we call it a rollercoaster ride. Eventually you will learn to step off the rollercoaster for a bit.
I wish you luck in court. Please let us know how it went. Best of luck!
Has any of you experienced this? Have you had to deal with your x telling ow/om that they "loved" them.
Yes, found it in a note from her to him. Mine was a great BULL@#ITER with me to, so I took it with a grain of salt. Gawd only knows what she told om. It was a 'gone with the wind' drama in her world. don't get involved with their drama. Most likely it's fictional and it's not going to do you any good.
Take everyone's advice on here, worry about yourself right now.
Hey guys thanks for all your prayers, they really mean alot to me. Well heres how it went in court today. I will try not to leave NOTHING out so I can get some opinions.
I arrived at court around 9am and it was a full house, no where to sit. When I walked in one of the first people I saw was my xh. He watched me as I walked toward the back...kinda mean looking, so I thought "Oh Lord, here we go". The ow wasnt with him, which I thanked GOD for. I was really dreading that.
I stood in the back for awhile. My xh turned around maybe once to look, BUT after a little bit he got up from his seat and stood where he could see me. During this time we made eye contact a few times. One time the eye contact was SO STRONG, it surprised me. I really think that not talking to him or seeing him in 7 days made him wonder. After all, we hadnt been apart that long without communication in 20 years! I could be wrong, but it had to bother him some. I dont know. Anyway, court finally cleared where I could sit down and I did. The asked everyone to try and make room for everybody, so my xh sat directly in front of me. I could tell he wanted to say something, but didnt know if he should or not. (At least thats how I felt). After a while I tapped him on the back and asked him what he was going to do once we got up there. He said he was going to drop the Protection Order BUT ask for a restraining order be put in place indefinate. I told himm he needed to NOT to that, that I wasnt going to bother him, but to do what he felt like he should.
When we were called up front, he did just that, he asked the judge to add to the divorce papers, a mutual restraining order. She asked me what I thought and I replied I really didnt know what that meant. (It basically means we can have NO contact ever again, or one of us will go to jail!)
I really dont understand WHY my exh thought he needed this, other than the phone calls that probably drove him crazy! BUT I am desperate for money and WAS desperate for contact with him. That is NOT the case now, so things should get better.
After we finished, they asked us to step to the back to wait on our paperwork. I stood back by the wall and my ex came and stood RIGHT beside me. (After wanting a restraining order.lol) Anyway, they ask us then to wait in the hall. We stood out there talking nicely. He kept saying "I want to be left alone. I shouldnt have had to go thru what I have been thru in the past months. That basically he wasnt going to stand for it anymore. (nevermind what I went thru!!! ,and still am going thru.) Apparently he is suffering MORE. Anyway they brought our paperwork and we started to leave. We were on the second floor, so we could either take the stairs or elevator. I was leading the way, so I took the stairs. I figured he would go the other direction. BUT NO, he trotted right along behind me down the stairs and outside, where our conversation continued. We talked about nothing in general, just several things. I told me he was selling his truck and so forth. I told him I was parked the other direction and he could walk with me. And he kind of took a breath and said OK I guess. It was a very short walk and he didnt go all the way to my vehicle, but we got to talk some more. This is where I kinda messed up I think. I told him I saw that the ow had on her myspace that she was LOVED and he said, I havent told her that. HE went on to offer more information, saying that she had mentioned him being gone this summer fishing alot. (which he always did and I was fine with it), he said she was already talking about it, kinda complaining I guess. He said he told her that she knew when they started dating it would be this way.
I did tell him that getting the Protection Order really helped me realize I could go on. Before he walked off I asked him if he ever thought about us. He didnt answer and crossed the street, I told him I didnt hear him and he turned and said NO I dont.
A little later I left him a message about our taxes and a couple other things I hadnt talked to him about.
I also contacted a lawyer about the restraining order he asked for and the lawyer said he had No Grounds to want this. So, I once again phone my xh, (which I didnt like, because this is twice already and its the first day after the order was lifted), but I wanted to ask him again NOT to get the restraining order to give me a chance to show him I am serious. He said he wouldnt draw up the papers, but who knows. His mind changes like the wind.
Thats pretty much sums it up guys. The only thing I dont understand is, he wants the restraining order for both of us, but then followed me downstairs and outside and talked with me.
AND, my son just told me that while I was at work tongiht, his dad came by and brought him something to eat.
Makes no sense to me. If he wants to stay away from me ,then why all this?
Also I did tell him I thought ow would be there and he said it wasnt any of her concern! I asked him if he had her picture on the front of his phone,(because I am pretty sure I saw it), he said NO! (not hateful, just a real quick NO!)
Oh and he also talked briefly about one of the girls that he use to date wanting to go out with him again. So he thinks I want him, and the former ow wants him, along with the one he lives with. CRAZY huh!
OK let me have it!!!!
Renee
Hey, Renee.
I don't think you did anything really horrible. You need to stop the questions (especially the "do you ever think of us" kind). But, you'll get there. It just takes time I think, and eventually you will find that you get tired of getting hurt by the answer (even though you know he may not be telling the truth).
And you have to try to stop analyzing everything he says and does!! But, this too is something that comes with time.
Your mission now is to not call him at all!! Don't even call him about the Restraining Order!! Just show him that he doesn't need it!
And as for his coming around the house, who knows what's in his head and what does it matter? Treat it like it means nothing, because that's what it probably means....nothing. You backed off, and it seems you got a tiny bit of easing up from him. So, just keep it up! Don't chase, or question at all!
Now you need to get to work on GALing!! Find something fun to do for you!
Hang in there!!! [[[[[[hugs]]]]]]
And don't call him to tell him you are not going to call him!
Renee,
You now have to prove to yourself that you can go on w/your life and not call him. Pretend he's deceased. Do for you and your son.
As for his comments, he does want to be left alone. Things aren't as great as you may think they are in his life. As for the ow's myspace info, don't go there. All it does is upset you. Delete the url and go on w/your life. This man may or may not return, we really don't know. But the one thing we all know is that he wants to be left alone.
End your day on this mantra "I will not contact him in any way. I will continue my journey on my own. I need to prove to myself that I can do this."
Good luck!
Thanks everyone for your comments.
Do they all say they "want to be left alone" or is this just my crazy xh? Oh, and he came by the house to bring my son something to eat because my son asked him to. So no big deal. I really dont want his girlfriend in my driveway though. She wasnt with him, but I dont want her to be either.
I really and truly dont have the urge to call him or drive by to see who is there. One reason, I already know who is there and two, I guess I dont care as much. I am soooo getting better and going on with my life. BUT dont get me wrong. I still LOVE HIM, I still MISS HIM (not as much). I have come to a conclusion though....and I am not being conceided, but she will never be the wife I was to him. I was a very good wife. Yes I nagged at times, so did he. I cooked, cleaned, washed his clothes, provided a good decent sex life, (he says it was the best), and I never cheated on him in 20 years! and I loved him like no other. No I am not perfect and neither is she or anybody else he is gonna find. I believe in a couple years or so he will see what a mistake he as made. Maybe or maybe not. I dont know where I will be in life by then, or where GOD wants me to be. He has a plan for me and I am just "standing still". I didnt think I could do that before, but I now know I can!
Love you all,
Renee
Note: Do any of you have myspace?
Do they all say they "want to be left alone
yes...but then they have OW...being alone with their thoughts is a killer, so OW keeps them from facing their issues...a drug , an addiction
provided a good decent sex life, (he says it was the best),
they do but then turn around and tell OW the same! I found a note to OW cow- child whore saying verbatim what he used to say to me....i was am still crushed by that....another good reason not to snoop!
I believe in a couple years or so he will see what a mistake he as made
if you let him alone to wallow in his mess yes he will. but if you persist in bugging him you will
1) prolong the crisis
2) re-affirm his reasons for leaving
you have a great chance to work on you , spend quality time with your son while he is in the tunnel...leave the door ajar and you never know who you might see peeking in in a year or so....
a new 2moro, if having the ow keeps them from facing their issues, how do they make progress? He may have ow for a long time. Does this mean it will prolong the crisis?
I am over 2 months divorced and over 5 months seperated. I am just now at the point where I can leave him alone. BUT I will tell you, I did damage with my anger. I really left a bad taste in his mouth and lost all trust. It will take some time for me to prove myself again. For a long time, the sound of what I just said about "proving myself to him" made me angry. I felt like I didnt owe him anything and he should be the one doing the proving. BUT now I understand this is what I have to do. I cant fight with him about this, I treat it like a disease.
Many people have told me that he will wake up one day soon and want to come home after realizing what he did to his family. I just hope its not too late. I want that day to be soon but its not coming soon so I go on and leave the door ajar.
He has said many times though that he will never be home and when I asked how he can predict the future, he says because he controls his life and what goes on. I have not been contacting him but I assume he still feels this way. I have only seen and talked with him once in 9 days and that was in court. I have a long road, I know it and I dread it. Does it get any better from here? and Do they all say they are never coming back? (I may have asked these questions before, but I mentally was a mess a few weeks/months ago)
Renee
SSL they all want to be left alone. They all say they are never coming back. You must stay clear and leave him be. He is in a crisis and it may be a long crisis. Going on 3 years for me, but my h is finally looking back some and I am hopeful that he may still return.
He is carrying a lot of anger that he needs to let go of. By you doing the opposite of what he is asking it keeps fueling that fire. Stay clear and let him be.
This is hard, but you can do it.
glamgirl when you say you are going on 3 years, is that from the time you seperated?
My xh has never wanted to come back yet, but its only been a little over 5 months since he left, but we are divorced...over 2 kmonths. He refused mc. I noticed yours did the mc. What is ADS?
Is it worse if they go straight for divorce like mine did? He says he did it because he wanted to move on, go out, and he couldnt do that without feeling quilty. He may have lied about that too. I think it was more shame, his best friends are all married and think he has went off the deepend anyway.
I am soooo scared my xh is going to get married! He says there is no way and I dont have to worry about that, but they say to not believe anything they say, so I am worried.
Renee
Hey Renee, I have been following your sitch some and I understand your concern about him getting remarried. I use to worry about that to, but then I thought, why would that matter? Evidently marriage isnt all that important to them, or they wouldnt divorce us. I have been doing this for over 2 years now and my H is back and forth so much on his thoughts, I know he will never be happy with any decision.
Hope you have a good day.
kssak how long did it take him to come back the first time?
I didnt handle things very well. I had alot of anger and trouble letting go and not calling up until now, so mine may not want to come back for a LONG TIME.
Am I the only one that acted out during this? I know this holds up their progress, but I love him so much! Did any of you call and call and call? Did you try to interfere with their relationships.... yep I was bad, I done it all.
I think we all have done it all, or wanted to. I know I did interfer with my H's other relationship. My H left and was back in about 2 months, but the OW wouldnt let him be and so he was back and forth between us too many times for me to remember and I do mean TOO MANY!! Maybe dozens in the last 2 years. HE did move home twice all the way. But now the OW has moved on and remarried leaving him with his thoughts. She did a number on his emotions and Christmas put him in the dumps and he wanted to come home again....yes again. But he hasnt this time. He is battling with thoughts of what would be the right decision. My thought is why would coming home to your wife and children that love you be the wrong decision?? Im still in limbo. Seems I have to make the decision.
I do see acting out definitley holds up things. I know you love him, but all you can do is have patience to see how things work out.
I still have trouble letting go. But I am doing alot better. This time instead of being hurt, I am mad.
DOnt put a time line on him coming back. Just try to stay busy with your life and doing things you want to do. Let him be for a while. I dont think its been long enough for him yet.
SSL yep we have all done it. I was slapped with a restraining order from harassing my h in the beginning, what he referred to. Well I needed money for the kids and he wouldn't take my calls, so I had to show up at his work.
Well I should have left it alone, but as you can see today, we are still going strong. My h left in Aug 06 so almost 3 years that he has not lived in our home. AD's anti-depressants. My h as we have found out has been very depressed for years and finally got some medical intervention.
I have been lucky that he has asked for help and that he agrees to marriage counseling.
I don't know about being D and if you have any less chances. I wouldn't focus on that, but loving from a distance and loving unconditionally. That is what made a difference for me and my h. Neither one of us has pursued the D route.
well guys like I said, my xh wanted a divorce almost from the day he moved out. He is living with a young girl but interested in another, although he want admit it. He said once that this young girl is for companionship. That he has no feelings for her. There is another young lady 3 years older that he really likes. He works with her and she says he has feelings for her. I dont know where that may lead. I dont talk with her much anymore. It just hurts me, even though I dont think she means to.
Does it prolong their being gone when they live with someone or has someone?
Guys I know I have asked this, but what if my xh ISNT in mlc? I think of this often, what if he just doesnt love me or is just unhappy?
You know my xh has 3 other brothers and ALL three have left their wives and children and never returned, a couple tried with no success. Everyone thought my xh would be different because he stayed with his grandmother when he was growing up. Everyone was so surprised by him leaving, because he always told everybody how happy he was and how much he loved us.
I asked him about this, and he said he TRIED to make it work but couldnt. He hid his REAL feeling apparently. I promise I NEVER KNEW. He would get mad and say things like, you are pushing me right out the door. BUT he always lashed out with mean things when we got mad. He would say afterward that he couldnt imagine life without me and his son in it. Sometimes I think he just stayed for fear of being alone, and when he saw he could attract other women he got brave enough to go.
When we first seperated he said things like if he came home things were gonna change. I just agreed with him even though I didnt know what he meant. Then he would say if we have any chance of ever being together again I had to leave him alone, that I was ruining any chance we had by pursueing him.
We seperated in Sept. and I pursued him really hard until probably Jan. I put a real bad taste in his mouth were I was concerned. From that he started saying he would NEVER be home. We still were intimate until about a month ago.
I wish I could have a "do over" so badly, because I think I have ruined any chance we had. I was so bitter about the other women. He now says he doesnt ever want to come home and never will for me to go on with my life.
I wanted to add. From what I have written do you think I have ruined it all?
Also when I get time I will write what I know to be the complete story from beg to end as I know it, to try and get some sort of timeline.
Thanks,
Renee
(((((Renee)))))
OK, first things first.... get the idea that you ruined it out of your head! Replay the main elements of the situation, and think about how ridiculous that sounds!
Number two, the "what if" game will drive you crazy. Take care of you, you, and you. That's who you are here to save.
When the ground is stable under you, he may have a different view of you. But do it for you.
ok guys I am trying to get a timeline here and try to at least tell where my xh may be at in this, if....its a MLC
First of all a little history of his family.
My xh has 3 brothers and 1 sister, whom have ALL left their spouses behind, with the exception of his sister and she came back after a few days.
The family was held together, from what I know, by the Dad. The dad past away around 6 months before I came along. He died, from what I know, in the er of a heart attack or blood clot, not sure.
When this happend, the older brother joined the army, the sister got married and one brother/which was adopted/left. That left my xh and his little brother with their mother. Shortly they moved to my town and we met a few weeks later.
The first night I met my xh, he asked me to dance and told me he was going to marry me.lol He was drinking a little, so I ignored him and didnt think he would even remember me the next day. Well he did, he called the next day and we took it from there. 6 months later, we married...six months later we got pregnant. Our first and only son.
We lived with his mother until I insisted on moving out. She then moved beside us. My xh and his mother were very close.
A few years later she died of leukemia. Woke up one morning sick and lived 1 year later. I loved her so much, and so did my xh. He held her hand til the end. I felt soooo sorry for him. He didnt really cry much, he held his feelings in alot, as he always has. He lost both parents at an early age. I think they were both in their forties and both unexpected to die. From there on out it was me, my xh and son at holidays, because I wasnt close to my family. On Christmas we would visit my aunts but other than that, it was pretty much us 3 most of the time.
We would have been married 20 years in April of this year.
Now skip ahead a few years until around 2006 when my xh became a police officer. My xh was always VERY confident, and becoming a police officer just increased it. He sometimes brought his attitude home with him, but I ignored him. One time I saw him on stop and I parked and listened to him talk to the person. He screamed at him because I guess the guy was lying or something, but my xh voice sounded the same as when he yelled at me or my son. I realized then he brought it home with him sometimes. Dont get me wrong, my xh was a kind hearted person when he wanted to be, he also was a Fire Chief (lots of authority there), and he loved to save lives and make a difference in the world. Lots of people came to know him and depend on him in both careers (fire dept. was volunteer though). He had alot on his shoulders, but seemed to like it. People would call him constantly needing something, but my xh seemed to like being depended upson. He sometimes would brag about people needing him. His personality is one that is VERY confident and knows it all. He will argue with you until you see it his way. (My son is the same, GOD help me.) Anyway he was in charge of alot, and what did I do, I stood by his side. I never, and I promise, well hardly ever complained about him being away from home so much. Add fishing into the mess and he was pretty content with his life. We didnt have the best of everything, but we were blessed. My xh was a very hard worker, sometimes even jobs beside this on the side. When he asked for something, I felt he deserved it, so he got it. Never once, that I can remember him asking for anything he didnt get, even in the bedroom!
After my xh became a police officer is when I had a few spurts of distrust. A couple things happened with phone calls and such, nothing really major.*at least I dont think* I started seeing the "flirty" side of him alot during this time. BIG GUY on the force, so to speak!lol We had our little moments, like everyone else, yelling then make up sex. Around 2005 I caught a girl calling my husband. I could never prove anything because it was police related. Now that I think of it, it could have been more, but I couldnt prove it, so I let it go. He promised me it wasnt anything.
Around 2007-beg. 2008 is when I REALLY noticed changes (of course didnt really realize it then as much). His best friend on the force with him retired. This guy always had my xh's back on anyting job related. From their on he had a "carefree" attitude when it came to his job. My xh was around 39 at this time. Due to his attitude he LOST HIS JOB!!!! That is when the most changes took place. In 2008 he lost his job, just prior to this he started working out like crazy and taking diet pills. Said he wanted to get in better health. He had surgery on his shoulder a year or so before that, and his shoulder always hurt him and still does. He started staying at the fire dept alot. Complained alot about things it seemed. He started, in my opinion, paying more attention to the way he looked. I also, a couple times caught him looking on the computer for a old schoolmate (female), I am pretty sure he dated her at one time. I also think he was looking at women.... possibly dating sites, but dont know, because those sites come up alot on the computer anyway. I was looking at the internet sites he was going to when I noticed them, so not so sure about them. At this time he started saying sex was "overrated" and sex wasnt everything. Dont know what was up with that. We still had sex but he started saying that, I think this started right before losing job in 2007 (the end of 07 I think). I stayed up late at night because I worked 3rd shift some and I slept during the day. He said once he was tired of being alone, so he left and went to the fire dept. (I just thought that was an excuse to not be at home). My xh finally got a job as a maint. man at a nursing home. He worked 3rd shift for around 3 or 4 months. During this time, he started having trouble at the fire dept. and resigned as chief. Something he always LOVED! Due to the time he was off work, we were having a hard time paying for our home, so we decided to sell it. He moved 20 years worth of stuff into a rental home. Shortly after my husband went to 1st shift, became a supervisor and started working longer hours. He warned me before hand that he would be staying later at work. During this time my mom died (also of leukemia). My husband worked EVERY day during the wake and furneal. He only worked half a day, but I needed him. His boss told him to take off, I know she did, but he didnt. He supported me during the funeral and after. 3 weeks after my mom passed away we decided to moved back into our home and keep it. After being out of it ONLY 3 months or so. We moved again 20 years worth of stuff back to our home. One afternoon, on lunch break, I came home to check on xh....he was painting our home. He seemed fine at first, hugged me and so forth. While talking with him his cell phone rang, but he looked at it but wouldnt answer it. I asked him why and so forth. He said BLAH BLAH BLAH, and then finally he dropped the BOMB! I love you but not in love with you and I am very close to cheating. I want out!
Ok, guys you know the rest.....routine routine....just like everyone else's story.
Sorry so long, but I wanted to get everything in. NOW do you still think he is in MLC?
gee that was long. Sorry!!!!
Sunshine...I can tell you, you will drive yourself crazy trying to figure this all out.
Ive been trying for over 2 years and still dont have a clue why this has happened.
It may be MLC, it may not. But you need to take care of you.
Im just beginning to realize that this day!
Take Care.
what is the difference in a WAS and a MLC spouse?
I thought they were the same until recently.
We are divorced but I have Faith in GOD! I am thankful to him every day of my life!
Guys I know this is against the rules, or at least I think it is.
I know I shouldnt but I looked at the ow myspace page today and it has "loved by him" on it.
I hadnt talked to my xh since court on Monday, so its been around 4 days. I dont call him anymore or drive by his house like I did.
I broke down and called him and told him that I was doing everything possible to get along with him on top of having financial difficulties. He was KIND and sincere and asked me what the page said. He said he has NEVER told her this and she was just trying to get at me. I told him not to say anything to her that I just wanted him to know what she was doing. I told him, as I cried, that I was VERY sorry for the way I handled things in the beginning and I just wanted to get along with him. He said its ok that was the past, I will talk to you in couple days, it ok. He was REALLY NICE and I thank GOD for our conversation. It may have been wrong to call him but it helped me, and when hes nice this way, I get to see the real man I married.
they lie....they cheat...they spend...todays order....tomorrow that will be different. please beleive nothing he tells you.....DONT call him....
My H said when I asked if he loved her "we dont have that kind of R" riiiiiggghhhttt. That was after he he stook her to a resort for labor day weekend. snooping I found a letter where she was saying how she loved him saying he loved her when they were with people by sneeking it in when no one could see....OUCH!
they lie they cheat they spend
Renee,
STOP CALLING YOUR H! You can't believe a thing that comes out of his mouth right now. He's going to tell you what you want to hear. The ow's page is her page and if she knows or even has an idea that you are reading it, she's going to do everything in her power to push your buttons. Do you know what she's doing? She's putting stuff out there, knowing you are going to read it and then call your h. She knows that your h gets very aggravated w/your phone calls...so what does she do....SHE SETS YOU UP! Stop calling him and stop reading that page. It's doing you no good.
I wouldn't be the least bit surprised if he's not telling her everything you said about that page. Renee, it's hard, but you are addicted to your h. You've got to break the habit...no calls unless it's an absolute emergency. Find things to do that will keep you from calling him. Find a hobby, get out and meet people. You can do this at a coffee shop, a book store or at some concert, exhibit, etc. But, you've got to break you addiction. If you don't, you are going to push him even further away and that means, you've given him all of the jusitification he needs to stay out on the street.
Dig deep and find the person that you were prior to marrying him. I know you can do this, I also know you can find other things to do besides reading her page and calling him. Remember, she will do everything in her power to push your buttons so that you screw up and she looks like the winner in all of this. Don't give her that power!
I love you but not in love with you
Renee that is the #1 choice of all MLCers I got it 2x!
that is the key for you to know to stay away!!!!! Jump off the roller coaster. Have you read the MLC resources yet? MLC for Dummies?
snodderly, thank you for waking me up when I need it. I have not been calling him NEAR as much. I only called him 1 time in 2 weeks, the other time I talked with him was at court. BUT I know I shouldnt call him at all! You are probably right, he probably does tell her everything and she probably is trying to get at me. Even HE said that.
I am sure he tells her he loves her or she wouldnt be living with him. BUT I dont understand why he just doesnt tell me? Why isnt he honest with me? He has NO reason to hide anything now, we are divorced.
a new 2moro from my story does it sound like my xh is in MLC?
He even told me once, he wanted to play and he wanted different companionship. What got me was every time I asked him why he left, he would give me a different reason....he did this almost every time. Therefore, I kept asking.
How long did you go without calling your husband.
My situation may be different because my husband actually divorced me. So I dont know.
what is the difference in a WAS and a MLC spouse?
Renee,
You have to understand...your xh doesn't owe you any explanation for anything he says or does. You are no longer his concern. His children are the only thing that he needs to concern himself w/at this time (in his mind). What he says or does w/the ow is none of your business, according to him and his way of thinking. I would suggest that you not call him at all, i.e., 1 2 times a week is far too much when he's moved on. He has told you over and over again to leave him alone. If you don't, the restraining order will be put back in place permanently.
You asked what the difference was between a walk away and a mlcer. I believe someone has responded to your question on another thread that you had posted to.
A walk away is someone who walks away from everything and never looks back. They are finished the day they get up and will not reconsider reconciling at any cost. They are done. A mlcer is one who is very depressed and acts out in a very confused manner. He/she becomes the mirror image of the person that they once were. They tend to waffle a bit about divorce, separation and yes, they do leave quite a number of personal belongings behind from their past.
Two different "animals". No matter which one your h is, you still have to honor his wishes and leave him alone...only call him in a dire emergency. You have to take care of yourself and your child. He's gone and may be gone for a long time. No one can predict just how long.
Renee` your H maybe has some similarties of both...but he does have some confusion.....if he says ILYBNILWY. I guess some of them do go get the D fast track. He seems his mind is made up but he cant stick w/ one GF..the best thing to do it really let him be
I went about 4 months of not sending him tm or phone calls except for emegencies. It was pure hell and hurt sooo much...he was very deep with OW, as he pulled away it hurt so much. He lived with her, took her on expensive trips , they worked together, went everywhere together. They were always in walmart!The spending was horrific. He moved her into the same apt we lived when we 1st were married.....ouch
Then he began to find reasons to contact me and i slowly began to answer his tms or emails he tm more and more hiding in the bathroom from her!I always told everyone he must be in the bathroom as a joke....turns out it was NO joke!!!
Renee and N2M,
Some of them are on a very fast track for a divorce. The guilt and shame of what they've done drives this. Also, they are hoping a divorce will happen quickly before the lbs finds out. It's their way of "not hurting" us before hand. Crazy logic for the loons.
Some stay w/one person and others tend to dip into several pools. It's the teenager in them to experiment until the right one comes along. That's why it's very important to just let them go and taste the waters from all ponds, just as long as you are not dragged into a financial mess or your children are hurt by their behavior, etc. You do not want to be seen as "mom" to them by questioning what they are doing, with whom, etc. You have to allow them to come to you when they are ready and when they do...treat them as a friend, listen and validate their thoughts, etc. Do not ask him one thing about his relationship w/her or where your relationship is going. The more you question, the more he's going to stay away.
As long as there is confusion in the mix...I'm leaning toward mlc. With walk aways, there is no confusion...it's very cut and dry.
Renee, it all takes a lot of time. Many have been able to reconcile. How did they do it? They came here, the learned the lessons and they read the threads. They also learned to focus on themselves and their children and left their spouses to twist in the wind. One vital lesson in all of this is to leave them alone, give them plenty of space and keep a candle burning in the window to provide light to guide him back, if he so desires to return.
Read the MLC Archives threads. They will help you better understand that this isn't a quick trip to Target. It's more like a very slow boat sailing to China because you are now operating on their time clock, not yours. Their clocks are very slow due to depression, etc.
Snodderly I love it. That is what I am on a slow boat to China. I wish it were the trip to target, but who knew. Thanks for spelling it out that way.
SL it does get easier, but the best advice is leave him be. Don't call, don't text, just be still. I can't stress that enough. I didn't get that for a long time, so believe me I delayed his trip even longer.