Hi all,
Haven't posted for awhile, just trying to keep my head above water. H has been out of the house 10 weeks now, but nothing has changed, except I see him/talk to him now more than I did when he lived here! He picks the kids up for school on Monday AM, has dinner at our house with them while I go out, I drop them off after school on Wed. for an overnight, then every other weekend I bring them to his place. He calls AM and PM to say good morning and good night, and always asks how my day has been. He's so freakin nice it's killing me. Last night on the phone he said something about me being his ex, and I said I didn't realize I'd made it to that point yet. He said "well, I still feel the way I did before (ILYBNILWY, not attracted to me, etc...). I'm getting really comfortable here." So then he actually asks me what I think we should do! ie. should we get a divorce!! I said you know how I feel- I want us to rebuild this marriage but that takes two. Are you asking me that so I can say yes and make the decision for you and you won't feel so bad? And he said "No, that's not what I'm doing. And I know it takes two. I haven't had time to think about it because I'm so busy at work." He then says we should just wait a bit. I feel like Im in limbo hell. I've been GALing, and it has really made me feel better as a person, but nothing is happening with H. Can I even manage to limit contact given the schedule with the kids?
I just get the feeling he has no feeling one way or the other about me, which scares me.
AAHHHHHGGGGG
Kelly
Last Posts
10 weeks is not a lot of time in my opinion.
I would refrain from all R talks at this point in time.
Go about your business and be still.
Remember, this is a long journey and it is not easy.
Thanks SF. Being still has always been a problem for me.
Hi KPK,
My H and I were S for 6 months (which is considered a fairly short amount of time here in MLC land)
I got the ilybinilwy, can't picture being married to you, don't want to be in the house, oh and blamed me for absolutely everything. this all happened out of the blue while we were on vacation...I had no clue!!
We had D4 and D10months at the time...The best I could do for NC was to talk to him only about the kids.
He also asked me if we should D and I gave the same answer that you did...I thought the M was salvagable and could be worked on.
H did not agree so I finally told him I could not make him do/not do anything...if he wanted a D he was going to have to do the work.
H did and we went to court for our 4 way meeting...4 days later H decided he wanted things to work out. the ball was then in my court and I insisted that we go to MC and move ahead slowly.
H has been home almost a year and things are really good.
Yes, he had a young OW and yes, he put in us major financial strains. It was hard to forgive and I still am working on it everyday.
I also had a problem "being still"...It was a hard lesson to learn but with all the advice and support I got here, I succeeded at it.
I didn't think H cared about me one way or another but the truth was, he saw my positive changes and missed me...probably more than I missed him at the time. He saw me GAL and realized that I was moving on...with or without him...
Stay strong and be still...this takes a lot of patience!!
Hi M2G,
I think we have the same husband- mine also told me these things on vacation! I wonder why they chose then? I definitely need to keep the contact about the kids- he's getting too much friendship from me. Your story is so identical to mine- you've given me some hope- thanks!!!!
Kelly,
I was wondering what was going on with you. I'm glad to hear you have been GAL'ing. That is SO important. Aren't you doing some sort of martial arts and a string instrument? How is that going?
Keep slogging forward no matter what your H is doing. He is in his own reality and it may not cross paths with yours always. Just be friendly, but not overly friendly. Don't share too much of what you are doing with him. He doesn't need to know. If he wants to open up and share things with you then accept that but don't feel you need to reciprocate. Detatch!
I'm finding it easier and easier now. I had a MAJOR depression last week and now that I came through to the other side of it I feel free! Freedom is so MARVELOUS!!!!!!!!
((((KPK))))
Hi Mishka,
I've been around trolling- been too tired to post. Am still pushing through, and my GALing is definitely helping. I did start my violin lessons again, but the time slot was difficult, and I'm a total beginner which means it takes a lot of practice time I don't have. So I shelved that one. I have, however, kept up with Kendo (Japanese sword fighting), which I love. Good exercise, gets my aggression out! I still get depressed (usually around PMS time
), but otherwise I'm feeling pretty ok; its just the limbo that's killing me. But, he knows that if he wants a divorce, he'll have to do the work- I'm not helping him with it. Glad you're doing ok- haven't been able to keep up with your thread lately. How's the H? Somehow we'll make it through this!
Kelly
Hi KPK,
Sorry to hear of your situation. It is so difficult, I know. 10 weeks is a short amount of time in the big scheme of things, though I imagine it feels like forever. This is really tough, I think you know that. I too find it hard to be strong and still when I am feeling like jello inside.
I commend you for the GAL that you are doing. One thing I have learned to appreciate here is that the WAS really DOES notice changes you are making. That is very important to know. I read that before, didn't really believe it, but I know it is true. Ultimately, it may or may not be something that sways the opinion of the WAS but in my view it can at least further create ambivalence on their part (vs. black and white).
I'm in a tough place too with all this, so I can relate to much of what you are saying. Hang in there and come here for support.
Purr
I agree with Purr about your H seeing that you are GALing. I have proof of this because my H and I have had many, many, MANY discussions about his thoughts while he was in MLCland.
H told me he saw the changes immediately and at first thought they were a tactic to get him back...H then realized I was the strong one and I was not putting my life on hold because of him.
H told me he used to wonder what I was doing and who I was out with when it was his weekend with the kids...even admitting to driving by the house on occasion to see if anyone was here.
Funny thing is, I did try my best to GAL, but when I was feeling down I still made sure that H saw me at my best...
We S 12/06 and so I did not have plans for new years eve. I told H I did so he would stay with the kids...I got all dressed up and accessorized and went out. To this day, h has never asked where I went...I am glad because I would have to tell him I drove to my parents house, put on my pj's and ate Chinese food with them while I corrected seventh grade essays!
Make yourself be missed. I am not saying it will change things but it will create a sense of reflection on H's part.
Kelly,
H is fine. We have had some interesting interactions of late which I have posted about. Strange, but interesting. I'm trying not to read too much into anything he says right now. Just keeping things as friendly as I can without letting him know too much of what I'm doing in my life.
I'm on the search for a new hobby and I'm finding it difficult. I have no money so anything that is going to take an investment of any kind is out of the question. I want to do something that involves other people so I can meet new friends. It's really hard to do that where I live.
Do you have any interesting ideas?
You will find your way through this mess Kelly. You sound like an extremely strong woman and you'll do fine no matter what the outcome of H's MLC is.
(((((KPK)))))
Hi Mishka,
Thanks for the words of support, as always. As for hobbies that involve meeting people but don't take money- what about a book club? If not at a local bookstore, maybe a library, so you can borrow the books instead of buying? Around here I've seen both reading groups and writing groups advertised for free, if those types of things interest you. What about walking or running "clubs"? Also, have you looked at Parents without Partners? I know they are national, and they have many different events, both for parents and children, and for just parents alone. I've looked at their website, but haven't joined.
Hi all. Haven't posted in quite a while, just busy trying to keep my head above water. Couldn't get my previous link in, but story is same as most here- ILYBNILWY July 07, not attracted to you, it's all your fault, probable OW, H moved out 3/15/08. You know the story. Sees the kids (and therefore me) all the time, and is a good father, but no movement on me. I've DB'd my butt off, feel good about myself (unless he's yelling at me for something irrational), but I feel like giving up on the M at this point. Communication with my H has become very difficult- he's always angry with me, I can never do anything right, and apparently now am a bad mother too. I think my S4 is starting to have real issues with the situation- he's become alternately very clingy and needy, then angry and aggressive. He tells me he's sad and angry that daddy is gone. H says that it's my fault- I'm passing those emotions on to him. But i'm really, really not! I'm very careful to be composed for S4 and D7. While dropping the kids at H's house tonight I asked H if he'd be willing to see a counselor who deals with families going through this sort of crisis, to a) see if the kids are handling this ok and what we might do better, and b) to work on our "communication" issues so there's less anger and misunderstanding (and yelling at me). Basically co-parenting counseling. I made it very clear this is not marriage counseling (he's adamantly opposed). He said he'd consider it as long as none of the discussions touched on our marriage or marital problems because he has no interest in working on them; he likes me as a person, but has no romantic or sexual feelings for me (the usual). I said fine, he then said I looked "troubled." I said not "troubled", just still having a hard time letting go of things, and of hope; he said he understood. Then I left. I'm just so tired and depressed; I needed to vent a bit. Holding on to hope is hard, and I think mine is starting to slip away. Thanks.
Kelly,
I'm so sorry things have not progressed. It sounds like you are holding yourself together pretty well. When it comes down to it, all that is important right now is making sure your babies are ok. Since he is willing to see a family counselor then get an appointment ASAP. Don't push it to the back burner.
Yes, some of your M stuff will inevitably come up in counseling because it is important for the counselor to understand the dynamic in order to help you parent your kids. That being said, you don't need to tell him that. Let the counselor tell him. That is their area of expertise.
Only you will know when you are done fighting for your M. You can't stand forever without any movement from him, or should I say you shouldn't. You need to live for you. LIVE FOR YOU! Not for your kids, not for the possibility of your M, not for your hopes and dreams of your family.....FOR YOU!
I know, that sounds selfish, doesn't it? It's not. It's self-preservation.
What have you been doing for you?