Alas, it is true, I'm going to court Friday (tomorrow) at 2:30.
I am so sick of this, I want to scream. This time, Spring Break, and visitation in general. Xh refuses to answer my request for confirmation of S's safe return after his visit in CA. Also, refuses to give consent to mediation.... so now we have a Hearing.
Oh, and I have homework to do also.... I've been told to gather information about every visit xh has had since the divorce. Thank GOD for these archives, for there I will find ALL my information. I just have to read every post I've made since my arrival, July 2004.... Thankfully, I haven't been here as long as a few posters! I'm looking for the bright side here... so give me space.
Anyway, Xh's wife had a court date yesterday... (Have you noticed the connection yet... she's in court, I'm in court, talk about the need for drama! The need for drama, to prevent the kings and queens of Drama from looking at what's going on in reality, and to help them from taking a look at themselves..... Yup, I get it.) End result of her court date, her allegations of abuse, thrown out, AND her youngest is going to stay in KS too. She has another court date in April as I suppose, so will I.
Arrgghhh! Get me out of here soon Mr. Wizard.... I just want my life own life back!
I am welcoming any and all postive thoughts... I would really like this whole thing to turn around. Yes, yes, I understand, if I want change, I must change myself first..... I'm doin' the best I can.
I'll let you know how things turn out sometime tomorrow!
Take care of you, God Bless
Love,
Laughing
Ohhhhhhhh.........Laughing! I am so feeling your pain! I am with you all the way sista.....Mr. Wizard get me out of here I want my lif back!
Stay calm.....do the dreaded homework, become the robot you need to be to get through the drudgery! There is a light at the end of the tunnel. I KNOW THERE IS!
He is only doing this to make you miserable, and he is succeeding. Don't let him do that! Do what you must as it is your sanity and your life your protecting.
We'll be with you tomorrow in spirit. Let us know how it goes.
Take it easy sweetums. Your almost there.
Jeanette
Laughing you have been through so much, and become such a strong person for it.
You more than most know that todays pain and discomfort fades tomorrow and worrying about tomorrow's pain still won't change it.
It is drama they want...and they are managing to get a rise out of you.
"Look at me, look at me! Look at me!" what happens if you don't look?
Thoughts and prayers with you today and tomorrow and the next, so on.
Laughing,
I am so sorry about this latest round of crap xh is putting you through. He wants your attention. He wants to control you and keep you from moving forward with your life.
As always you are in my thoughts and prayers. I will say an extra prayer for you.
Jeanette, Jack and Mermaid,
All of you are so right! I've been reading these archives all day, okay, it seems like all day, and although I haven't finished yet, I have been able to see the patterns. It is exactly as you say Mermaid, he wants to control me and keep me from moving forward. When he feels he has the control, and I go with his flow, WE get along, talk, visit like "friends".... but when I move on, under my own control or power, I have so much trouble and seem to go to court often.
I need to understand how to stop all of this, without having to give up my own future. How do I allow him to feel in control without giving up my own? There's got to be a happy medium..
Well, I'm going back to the archives... it's been interesting to look at the past. I do see how I have changed.
Thanks so much for your support....
Take care of you, God Bless
Love,
Laughing
((( Laughing )))
You were one of the first people to post to me when I entered this forum. This awful terrain of MLC, so scary back then!
I remember that, your words of kindness, and your encuoragement for me to find this time for me.
You are so strong. You are a shining example of a person who has taken awful circumstances and held it together through it, for you and the kids.
I am sorry this is happening. Stick to your guns. Do what is right for you and your kids. Especially the kids. They need to have NORMAL parent in the picture now.
I am so sorry for your pain. The fact that this does not end. The fact that his need for drama creates that in your life, when you seek peace.
You will have peace soon. Goodness will come.
I don't know what to say about H. He is a mess. They all are. I gues I could go shake my Magic 8 ball for clearer answers....it's about that useful.
smooches
Laughing,
By reading your old postings, you've come to realize just how much you've changed over the years. That is what is driving this train for your xh. He knows that you've become extremely independent, stronger and yes, happier. He has seen how much you've changed and to be perfectly honest w/you, he doesn't like it. He wants the old Laughing back and he wants her back right now.
Keep in mind, they all want to control something. He's lost control over his own life and it's in a tailspin. So, what better what to try to bring order back into his own? Why, take Laughing to court and bring her back into obedience to him once again. NADA. Your xh has lost it all and can't or doesn't want to accept the fact that he's been very unlucky in a lot of areas of his life. The game has folded and this is his last ditch effort to win.
Laughing, tomorrow is going to be a difficult one for you, but you can handle it. Continue to read through the archives, your answers will be there. You've begun to see the pattern, i.e., you distance yourself and appear to be moving on and he attempts to suck you back in by withholding money and all of those court dates. I'm hoping that this will be the last one for a very long time.
Good luck!
Laughing
My dear friend; "this too shal pass."
Why do things continue as they do? None of us can be totally sure.
I often say things happen "for us" versus "to us." Well, there is this other possibility that exists as well. We may just be players in what is happening "for others."
The experiences you are going through may be more for your XH, than they are for you. You are connected to the experience, but we don't know fully what role you play in this particular situation.
Repeat this ten times. It's not about me. It's not about me.
Love,
Paul
Very wise words from Paul once again L.
Best of luck in there on Friday. It will work out as it should.
I'll check back in about five days, hope to read some good news.
I'm off to the desert in the AM. (No internet out there!
)
Always_14, Snodderly, Paul and Batty,
Thank you all for your support and kindness. I can tell you reading those old posts have been something else. I remember many of them as if it was just yesterday, as I felt funny about that, and then wondering how long have I been wondering around in circles too?
I can say, looking back into history does mess with my emotions. I felt the ups and downs along with each post I read and am still reading. I was feeling overwhelmed, until I read your posts to me, for today. It was almost as your words snapped me back into today.... and I really, really appreciate you being here.
I see each time I dwell on the past, is when I lost hope, lost my focus, lost my momentum.... of course this won't help me with tomorrow, but the information we have all stored here will.
Snodderly, you predicted that xh would have me back in court several more times, way back in fall of 2004. I know I'm partically responsible for this, just due to my own actions, and needs but it has me wondering why am I still going back and forth, while others have only needed to go for the divorce? I know some of it comes from not taking responsibilities for my own actions as it is for xh, and yes, misery loves company, both he and his wife are doing the same thing to their exspouses and children. So, they are unhappy people, who are together, needing to see other people unhappy too. There's no logic, but I do so need to get out of this situation once and for all.
What do changes do I need to make in order to have this happen?
He's in town, hasn't said a word to me, hasn't told me when he's going to pick up the kids, nor bring them back, or even where he may be taking them. His wife, demands the fathers of the children to be on time, on such and such day... but she doesn't feel the same rules don't apply to her. They are both very much the same in the way they treat their ex's, as I've also heard she used to amiable with the kids' Dads until she and xh into the picture, as xh and I can often be, when they are apart. Funny how this all plays together.
All I know, is I want out, I want out now.... I'm just so tired of this all.
Thanks for listening...
Take care of you, God Bless
Love,
Laughing
((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))
Praying for you today.
Laughing,
I'm sorry it has taken me so long...because I've been wanting to tell you this for many weeks now.
In the last 2-3 months you have had a blossom surge. You've always given wonderful advise...but lately you've been even more amazing in posts to others and your own growth.
I think it was around the new year...but your growth asnd spiritual blooming has seemed exponential.
I don't know how to stop the cycle other than to trust in yourself. Be consistent in your inner faith and convictions. He will button push...that's what he does. But you are consistent...those buttons don't work anymore. Trust yourself.
HUGS,
RCR
Laughing,
Sorry that you are going through this. Hugs and support , good luck.
*Ever*
My prayers are with you today sweetness.
Thinking of you today Always.........you are a wonderful person !
Good luck at court today!
Thy Purpose LORD we cannot see
But all is well if done by Thee.
Love
Delboy
Laughing,
Thinking of you, and praying.
You want out...
"Don't let the bastards get you down."
"Have at them boys!"
From what you have said, him being in town, sounds no different than him NOT being in town. Establish the same ground rules for the children that she has with her xH.
Isn't it amazing the power one person can have over us?
If that power is hurtful get rid of it.
If that power is helpful...cultivate it.
Thank you all for all your kind thoughts, support and prayers.
Xh testified in court that I have been interferring with his parenting time. Claimed I've been using parental alienation techniques to turn the children against him. I have been hostile and irresponsible with the children.
His attorney spoke for him, saying he is a kind, gentle man who only has love for his children. Said I was responsible for the lack of relationship between he and his children. I have been turning the children against him.
I have to bring my children to the police station at 6:00pm this evening, and let xh and his wife have my children until 8:00pm on Sunday.... I also have to make both children go for Spring Break. I have to hand my children over to his wife the Thursday before Spring Break..... so she can take them to California.
Once again, I lost the right my children had to say if they wanted to go with their Father or not, or to partcipate in anything he wants. Once again, he's been given complete control.
Thanks for everything.... I do appreciate your love and kindness.
Laughing
Your children will see the truth of the matter in your words and deeds.
They will be fine, and will have a shining example of what a mother is supposed to be in you.
Laughing,
I am so sorry. I cannot understand how this can happen. Your children are old enough to speak for themselves. The judge should interview them. It makes me so angry that his lies are believed. I can't believe his L could say those things with a sraight face.
Jack is right your children are so smart and they know the truth. I feel for them having to go with her to California. It is unfair for them really since they do not want to be with her.
I will keep you and your children in my prayers.
And now this drama is over for a bit.
Rest and recupe.
You cannot change it, talk to your children as much as you can, but I suggest...
Use this time to take care of yourself, do something soley for you, be wild, be lazy...do something.
Laughing,
I'm very sorry to hear this news. However, in time, this situation will change. How old are your children? They should be old enough to speak up to a judge/lawyer about how they feel about going w/that woman. Bide your time, Laughing. Changes are coming once again and then things should settle down once and for all for you.
It's very sad that it all came to this, but in the end, he has lost the respect of his children and I also suspect that it will not be easy or any of them during these visits. If I recall, your daughter is already on to him and will take him to the mat. It's your son that I worry about the most. He's still young enough to be influenced by promises, etc.
Please take care of yourself.
Laughing.
I am so sorry. That is all I can say to this madness.
I know that your feelings now are beyond what H did to you, the M, his W, etc.
This is about your kids, your role and quality as a mother being slandered in court. No matter how much you know that is FALSE, it still hurts to hear in court with your kids.
I'm sorry that you have to take your kids to the POLICE STATION to exchange them.
I am sorry that your H is making such a mess of this...mostly I am sorry for the kids.
They have an incredible mother, and they deserve a good father as well.
I know you make up for both now.
Trust that your children know you, your love, your care and your thoughts.
Kids NEVER forget a mother's love.
((((((((((((((Hugs))))))))))))))))))))
((((((((prayers))))))))
Once again, thank you all, I appreciate your generous support and kindness.
How this happened, well, I have a fairly new attorney that has been working on all the financial stuff and lies I had given him. This visitation crap was brought on by xh just a week or so. My attorney probably thought he'd be able to settle it by requesting mediation, not knowing the cut throat techniques of xh and his attorney. He was unaware of the Hearing being set, for he had been in court all week, which includes this morning, before my case, in a different county.
He called me yesterday to confirm the hearing, which he thought wouldn't get this far, in fact, thought it could be handled with fax machines and phone calls. Yesterday, he asked me to compile the all of xh's visitations, which I had done, but he didn't even have the time to read. He arrived just as the Judge was ready, giving us a total of 5 minutes for me to fill him in.
XH said he hadn't lost his security clearance, but because of his injuries, he wasn't working on site.... a lie, he went back to work on January 3, until his management found out about the DUI, well actually it's no longer a DUI, it's (dang, the name escapes me) which is one step below a DUI. His Counselors believe it is his first offense....not his third! XH swears he's been alcohol free since the day of his accident.
BTW, xh is walking with a limp, doesn't use a walker nor cane any longer. My attorney did say since he was an Instructor, we didn't understand why he couldn't work on site... but, again, it didn't hit the Judge in the right way, I guess.
XH swears he asked for the children last summer, BUT, I told him no because he didn't give me a 30 day notice.... I didn't get a chance to mention that his D went to Florida with a friend and her parents AND he sent her money to go.... I'd call that giving his permission. I didn't get a chance to mention S was in driver's ed, summer conditioning, football camp, basketball camp, then 2 a day football practices last summer. I didn't refuse him, he didn't even talk to me about seeing them.
xh said I've been hostile, telling the kids all sorts of lies about him, turning the children against him. He didn't feel safe picking the children up from the farm, because of what I could do.
Tonight, I realized that I cannot be in his presence without a wittness. So, I called one of the kids teachers, who volunteered over a month ago to give me a hand. Before she was a teacher, she was a social worker, who is very insightful about situations like these, and who knows my children nearly as well as I do. She instintively knows what's going on with my kids, knows when xh is around, just by the way either one of my two is acting. I called her today to ask her for help, told her what I've been up against, and I need someone who can remain "middle of the road" and have the children's best interest in heart. She's already told me she will meet me at 8:00 on Sunday night too.
Her presence spooked xh when they arrived. I hope the hell he understands that he's not going to do this again. I will do better with protecting my children, and I will do everything I can to prove his lies. I will have someone wittness every meeting from now on.
I may be in the back seat right now, but I plan on taking over the steering wheel very soon. I explained to my attorney that xh originally used the divorce to manipulate me, once it was over, he used the child support, once I received an income withholding order, he used the farms, now that the farms are in foreclosure, he is using the children. I said to him "for three years there hasn't been a problem with his visitation, why do you think there all of a sudden he does now?"
I don't know how I'm going to do it, but I'm going to prove to the court that xh has done nothing but lie, and used his attorney to make it seem true. I want to have his attorney see the kind of manipulator he truly is. I would like for her to be so disgusted that she drops him cold. That will stop him from bothering me, once and for all, and hopefully allow the children and I some peace.
Sorry for the vent, I'm just so angry and hurt right now.
Take care, God Bless
Love,
Laughing
I have to hand my children over to his wife the Thursday before Spring Break..... so she can take them to California.
ROFLMAO!!!! Wouldn't you LOVE to have a secret camera in THAT car? A cross-country car trip with two teens who hate her guts??? OW's getting HER due!!!
Don't sweat it, Laughing. Rent the movie She-Devil with Roseanne Barr and watch it with your kids
Roseanne Barr's H leaves her for wealthy childless romance-writer Meryl Streep. Roseanne burns down her own house and leaves the kids on H and OW's doorstep. While the kids gradually destroy H and OW's R, Roseanne builds a successful career for herself. You'll laugh yourself silly.
Ellie
LOL Ellie,
Leave it to you! Thanks I needed the laugh... although, there are going to be 4 teens, three of which hate her guts and one 10 year old and one 7 year old going in one mini van with a man who has dementia wearing adult diapers.
My son has been promised a $6,000 car, her kids have been promised a trip to Disneyland, wind surfing, a boat ride, days at the beach, mini golf, and a day anothe place with mini race cars and other things they get to ride/drive, along with selecting some of their stuff to come home with them, that was shipped to Ca during Christmas break.
The way back to KS is going to be a killer for her when the kids realize they have all been duped!
Although xh will say that it's your mother's fault I couldn't get you the car... in some wonderful form or another.
Oh, and I forgot, D said that if they make me go to CA with her, I'm going make them REGRET making me go. She's intelligent, defiant, and head strong.... neither one of them will be much of a match for her. Oh sure, she was all tears when I had to tell her she had to go tonight, but her determination will rise as she begins to flip those tears into anger.
I also warned my attorney, if either one of them lays one hand on either child, I will go to CA myself and get my kids. He better be ready for my defense.
He gave me one of those funny looks, as I believe he knew I meant it.
Oh yes, she will have the drive of a lifetime, and I hope she rethinks the summer vacation.
Thanks for lifting me up....
Take care of you, God Bless
Love,
Laughing
Laughing,
You did the right thing by asking your friend to accompany you to drop the children off. I imagine he was quite surprised to see that you had done that. From last night forward, you will need to have another party present when you do this. You do not want to give him anything to use against you. The witness will put his fire out for he shall not be able to push your buttons in his/her presence.
As for your children, I'm counting on your daughter giving them the blues up front and center. She's a smart cookie and will give it to her father in a heartbeat and not think anything of it. Now your son, he's at the impressionable age and promises of this or that will reel him in. Unfortunately, the reeling will take place for a while, but the actual payment on those promises may not over occur. Your son will see the light in due time. Do not ever worry about that. These two so call grown ups have a lot of growing to do in the months ahead as your children could teach them both a few things.
Laughing, you are their lighthouse in the storm and your children will return to you for stability and love. Never doubt that. I'm hoping that the current storm will die down and things will get back to normal after a while. Your xh knew that this was the one area that was a bone of contention for you, so he went after you full force. When he discovers that you are enjoying your "free" time and doing things to move forward, I promise you, the visitation will go by the wayside.
Hang in there.
Hi Snodderly,
I figured with the maturity level of xh and his wife, they would do anything to get to me, then lie while saying it was me. They have used the fact that I am often alone with the children to their advantage, while supporting each other's lies. I have also hidden my support system from xh, for I knew instinctively, there would be a time when I would need them in full force, and now is the time.
Xh has no idea of whom my friend is, although I am sure the kids will tell him she is their FAC (home ec)/Geography teacher. They don't know of the connections she has in this county.... but God does, and the reason she with me now.
His face was priceless when he drove up.... he didn't even expect me to be smart enough to have a witness. He will now learn how powerless he is over me, as I slowly expand my own horizons. I have a pair of rats to trap in their own web of lies.... I know there is supposed to be mediation before May, and if we can't settle anything, another Hearing will be set for May. By the time May comes, I will have completed the puzzle, giving the court a complete and full view of what has transpired in the last three years and who the real culprits are.
I will use xh's wife's cases against her too, showing the court who they really are. I will spend my time wisely, using everything God has given me. There is a reason for me being chosen to be here now, and it maybe that am one of the only people who has the truth of what has been going on, and can see the real xh.
As I suspected, xh has been able to fool his counselors in CA, the CA court system and the management at his company with his charismatic charm, his innocent boyish looks and his deceit.... maybe something will leak back to one organization or another by the time I am through completing the picture. I know he told the court yesterday that his accident was a first offense. When the Judge finds out how much he has lied to him and the other court, he just might have something to say about it.... but who knows.
On a positive note, I've been able to talk to the kids. D said that xh's wife won't even look at either her or her brother. D is feeling her own self control, and has found her own comfort zone for where she sits now. S, as expected, has buried himself in watching TV, but stopped long enough to talk to me. They are going to the mall today, to go shopping for running shoes and Track spikes..... I told them to have fun, and make the BEST of the situation too. D giggled... her tone told me she was making plans.
So, I'm better, just knowing they are okay.
Thanks for everything, God Bless
Love,
Laughing
BTW, I caught xh's attorney talking to the attorney on the foreclosure cases.... I do believe xh thinks his finale stab will be to purchase the farms out from beneath me.... using both attorneys to his advantage.
I also caught xh's wife listening into my coversatin with the attorney, then quickly going over to xh and telling him of our conversation... I didn't have a chance to tell my attorney what happened, but I will tell him of both incidences that I saw.
Laughing,
I can't emphasize enough to document everything, for the proof will be in black and white.
Oh, I'm sure your daughter is going to have a great time. She'll make sure the happy parents know where she stands, if not this weekend, but very soon. I have no doubt of that one.
You are going to be okay. Hopefully by summer, everything will have settled down and the issues somewhat resolved.
Good luck!
Hi Laughing..
I just wanted to let you know I am thinking of you.
Keep your chin up..I am so proud of you!
hugs,
MTN
Snodderly,
It's all coming clear to me now, as if someone has opened a page for me to read and comprehend.
I see the Judge has to feel that everyone is either lying or telling the truth. He had/has no idea if my children have been able to spend time with xh and his wife, nor any time in CA. He made the best possible judgement he could. He made sure both chidren experienced time with them here and CA, so when they come back they will know if they want to spend any time in CA for the Summer. He probably also figures since xh asked for airfare and his legal fees paid by me, he is just out to get me, along with the fact this situation will not be resolved in mediation... so when we are back in court, he will ask to speak with the children, as he will receive first hand information from two children who know what they are talking about. At that time, he will make his further decision about the kids visitation. I feel certain of this, and at peace with this concept.
In the mean time, I will prepare for the same course of action. Understanding that there probably will not be any resolution in mediation, I will prepare for the up in coming Hearing, where I will have all the documentation I need that xh and his wife live in a fantasy, have lied their butts off, have used the system to further manipulate me, hurt me financially, and at that time, allow them to be fed their consequences from the court. I will also be on my toes from now on in, having a witness to everything I do, so xh will have nothing else to use against me.
This is my game plan. Although I may sound as though I am out for revenge, I am not. I am out to clear my name, but in doing so, I will end up exposing all of his lies. My desire, is to expose enough of xh's lies that his attorney finally drops him as a client.... then at that time, I will be able to live in peace, feeling he won't be back to haunt me. He and his floozing wife can live happily every after..... as far as I'm concerned.
He told the court that I am the one who is unpredictable, that I have not allowed him to have the children, that he feels unsafe when he comes out to the farm, because of me, and that is why he needs the children dropped off at the police station.
I am as predictable as the sunrise, even when my children are away, they know exactly what I am up to, and where I am. When he comes out to the farm, I stay in the house, as it is he, (and she) who are physically aggressive.
Since this morning, I've been given a plan on how to proceed. I found it in my heart once I began to relax after hearing from the kids. It began to formulate, one step at a time. Although I thought I had been asking for help and accepting support, I now understand I had not put myself out far enough to receive the full spectrum of both that has been offered to me. I see now, I must have faith, as I open up my life and my heart even more.
My life has been full of secrets, ones I've kept to myself. I need to learn to share more of my burdens in order to allow others to share the load, in order to let the rest of it go. This is how I will learn trust again, even trust for myself.
The documents are complete, I just need to pick them up, as I know just where they will be found.
Take care of you, God Bless
Love,
Laughing
MTN,
I've been wondering where you have been, as I am happy to hear you are doing well, but, rather busy.
My chin is up, my eyes directed at the sky.... and yes, I am proud of you too!
Take care of you, God Bless
Love,
Laughing
Laughing
I've been reading your posts and have made some observations. Before I say what I am sensing, I wanted to ask your permission to say what I feel is taking place. What I would like to share comes from LOVE.
I understand that you are feeling great FEAR. I'm not sure if you realize it though.
I will not say anymore unless you desire to hear a different perspective of the situation as I percieve it. My ultimate desire is to help you as a friend face your fears.
Love,
Paul
Paul,
Please explain away, as I only have my perspective to view. Having other views will only give me a better point to see myself.
Although I agree, last evening I had great fear. I now feel a greater comfort in the place I am right now. I do have residual anger, but am calming down as the day passes. I am about to go for a walk to relieve my body of the stress I have found from the past two days. I'll be back, when I feel free of what has now, come to pass.
Please, feel welcomed to say what is on your mind, I am opened to hear what you have to say....
See you soon! (well, sorta)
Take care of you, God Bless you and Mrs. Paul too!
Love,
Laughing
Laughing,
I just wanted to give you a big hug, what with your never-ending legal hassles. I'm not gonna make any comments or suggestions, you've got better heads than mine helping you. Just wanted to send some more love and support while you continue to face tough times.
Hugs.
AH
AH,
Hey, no more of that negative talk.... you are a great thinker! I do appreciate you love and support too. I'm doing okay right now, although I did get a call from D after their trek to the mall. As I was talking with her, asking her what she found and/or bought, and as I was asking what her brother found, I heard her father say, "Your Mother better watch herself, otherwise I'll take her back to court."
She told me she is ready to come home now.
I'm ready to have them back now too. She told me she'll be IMing later this evening.
Well, thanks again for your support.
Take care of you, God Bless
Love,
Laughing
Laughing
Thanks for finding the courage to listen to what I have to say. My observation and what I am sensing comes from my intuitive nature. There may be some truth to it, and there may be some of it that does not hold true for you.
for me, there has been many times in the past when I was not aware of what was present to others. I could not see or feel consciously what others could see with great clarity. Maybe I was in denial. Maybe I didn't want to hear the truth. Maybe I just wasn't consciously awake to realize that there was emotions present that I could not feel or acknowledge.
You are in great emotional pain. The experiences you have been ging through continually bring that pain to the surface. This emotional pain existed before you met your XH. It actually existed since the begining of your life.
The emotions you have been feeling, are the same ones you have felt in the past. The experiences are different with different people involved, yet the emotions remain the same.
Anger is an emotion that is within all of us. I struggle to show or express anger. My wife has said to me repeatedly, "why don't you ever get angry?" I supress my anger. I bury it inside of me. I avoid conflict. I learned to believe that anger was a bad thing. I learned that being angry at someone will make them not like or love you.
My mother would say; "I'm mad at you" and then proceed to withdraw or withold her love for me. Her love was conditional. I fear anger as I don't want people to not love me. My belief has been that people can't be upset, mad or angry with me and still love me at the same time. To me, it was one of the other.
You've said that you have resideual anger. Where does this anger come from? I'm beginning to understand that anger is not a bad thing, it's simply a human emotion.
Being anger is a natural part of being human. What we do with our anger is what can create more pain. Pain that we don't intentionally want to experience.
My observation is that from your anger, you are doing certain things that are creating more of the pain that you wish to not experience. You are not conscious of what you are doing.
My observation is telling me that you are trying to use "external power" to get what you want. External power is about manipulation and control. Again, you can be doing things, just like me, and not be fully consciously aware of what you are doing. I do it all the time.
I repeat past behaviors and am not aware of that it is creating experiences that I really don't want to experience. Yet I continue to do that which causes me more pain.
I know, this sounds really insane. But there are times where I feel like I must be insane. Why? Because I keep doing what I have always done and am expecting different results. When Einstein created his defintion of insanity, I think he was looking at a photo of me.
How do I believe I know you? Because I can see myself in you. What I see in others and understand intimately is becuase I am looking in the mirror. You are reflecting back to me the person that I am.
As they say, when you point your finger at someone else, you have three fingers pointing back at yourself. How true that is.
I thought I would share some of what I am sensing and not leave you hanging before going to bed. I will continue to talk with you if you desire, as you know I have special feelings towards you. You are a very special peron, and I care about your healing.
My wife and her girlfriend have gone to the hot tub. I think I will join them.
Love,
Paul
I am so sorry about what happened in court on Friday. It is a travesty of justice that someone could just drag another person into court without proof, or anything. Remind your D to remember things your XH says, like the threat of dragging you into court. My goodness, he is such an idiot. Do you keep a journal? It is a great idea to have someone always present when XH or his idiot W is in your presence. Also, perhaps you should tape (if it's legal) all conversations on the phone with your children and XH (that comment made to your D may've been picked up), and save all emails your XH may send.
I am glad you are planning on taking control of this sitch, and getting your XH off your back, once and for all. Contact people he may have wronged, any records he may have in CA, and anything else you can get your hands on to get your case across in court.
Good luck, and take care.
MMMM, Hot tub, what I do right now for a hot tub! I hope you, your wife and her friend were able to relax and have a memorable time.
As for what you have given me, yes, I do agree, as there is value in what you say. My anger comes from this constant ebb and flow of control, this power struggle that I do have in my life. I've come to despise what the xh has been doing, although on an emotional plane, I understand a lot of it, and why he is doing the things he is doing. My anger comes from the pain I see in my children. The pain he is causing them, from the pain I cause them, by not being able to distance ourselves legally from his control. My anger comes from a need to protect them from his abuse, from this insanity, and my frustrations with my inability to set and keep proper boundaries for the children.
I see xh using the court system to continue his control around us, and dragging us into his crazy world. It's not only me, but my family. His constant lies and accusations fill our case, as if I've been the one who has done all of this damage. My frustration is that xh's attorney, although a woman, will not acknowledge the craziness she sees, the strange inconsistancies, the emotional pain inflicted upon my children, but constantly goes for the win. The win at all costs, regardless of what the truth is. I know she can't be so naive to believe every lie xh has told her.
My frustration has been from not being able to choose an attorney, organization, or people who are able to help me bring out the truth, the truth that could enlighten the court, so that the court can do a better job at protecting the rights of my children. My children now, are holding on to mere threads of hope, hurt deeper than they, themselves can acknowledge. I am angry with myself for not making better choices in my life, so that I could have saved them from the place we are in now. I should have, could have done better. I have been feeling powerless, yet with my anger and upset, I continue to try to regain the enough control in our own lives to bring back the peace I know we have shared.
I don't want to control xh, for I am powerless to do so. I would like for him to continue his life, in the direction he has chosen for himself, and leave us behind to continue our own. The life he has now, no longer matches the lifestyle the children and I had or have today. He is now, a totally different person, with different morals, standards, ideals, energy, which no longer harmonizes with our own. I wish him, his own peace, happiness, love, and future, which he has clearly defined the world much differently than what the children and I have tried to establish. He has no respect for who we are as a family, as he tries to instill his own set of values into our lives as he wants the children to approve of what he has done and who he is now, unconditional acceptance, for to do so, would change who they are, in order to fit his own image or the reflection he wants to see.
The power or control I am trying to maintain, is for us to be able to choose a set of guidelines that we all can live by, and not have xh change them a few months later. These guidelines are the boundaries I am trying to keep, the ones he once promised to the children, and myself, so that we can feel safe in our own home, knowing we won't have something else ripped from out lives. All we've wanted, has been a home, a place we can come home to, and be ourselves, to celebrate the joy and happiness we find within ourselves as a family.
I am tired of the drama, the hostile energy surrounding xh and his own life, the life he has chosen. It constantly overflows into our lives, as he brings it with him each time he approaches. If he would stop trying to intergrate his present life with our past life, for the two lives are at polar opposites of the spectrum. I brings so much confusion into our life, and truly upsets the children.
I know, I don't have a choice, but have to live with what is. I just wish I could protect the children from all of this adversity.
Take care of you, God Bless
Love,
Laughing
Thank you so much Being Me,
Yes, yes, that's it, a lot of it, xh is able to drag me into court, make his accusations, without proof of what he says, and then I am held responsible for his allegations. It is so frustrating not being able to bring the truth to the surface, or have xh at least prove to the court what he says, or for me to be able to show the proof I have, in order to expose his lies for what they are. I just can't predict his lies, so that I have the proof in hand when I enter the court room on that day. I don't know how to bring the information I have to the courts attention after he has had his say. If only once, they would look at the proof I have for all of his statements, I could show the court what is really going on.
Yes, I do keep a journal, as I also have nearly everything that has gone on, posted right here, on this web site. Also, today, I have copied and filed three different Instant messages from both kids, on file too. It seems just yesterday, xh and his wife were talking about the Hooter's incident, in front of D, laughing at me, because it never happend! Yes, Hooters had been brought up in court, yet, xh denies it ever happened, as he also knew the information came from D. While also at the mall, xh bought S a pair of running shoes for $75, and a repair kit for a few (DVD/CD) games S had for his play station. xh allowed D to buy a set of earing she found at Clairs in the mall. This alone shows the inconsistency of how he treats the two children, as he has accused me of doing. He has also said that I tell D that it will make me happy if she stays home with me.... and this is not the case.
D told me she will not be able to bear a full week of this when she goes to CA. Also, she told me they didn't get dinner last night, although did have lunch around 3:00pm. She woke up starving, yet had to wait until her father woke up to have breakfast... she had to wait nearly 4 hours for him to get up. Her allergies are getting her down also, and all she wants to do is come home.
I have the IMs on file and plan on sending them to my attorney this week. I don't think it will stop from her from having to go, but I have told her she needs to keep an open mind about this upcoming trip.
I just feel so helpless at times, it's not the way I like to feel.
Thanks again, take care of you, God Bless
Love,
Laughing
Laughing
I feel your pain. At least the parts that I have experienced.
I can not feel the pain of a mother trying to protect her children from pain. This is impossible for me to experience.
I have experienced my XW telling my children what she believed was the truth or reality of our marriage and our past. I only know a limited amnount of specifics of what she has said to them. My children and I do not discuss what is said between them and their mother. This is just the way it is.
It has made me feel upset believing that she has probably told them lies about me and has only given her side of the story. My children are grown now and hopefully can see through some of the BS.
I can understand your reasoning for what you are doing. You want your XH out of your life and to leave your children and you alone.
Unfortunately, this is not possible. He is their father and you are the mother of his children. You will always be connected to each other. Yes, you can limit your contact with XH and only speak to him as necessary. But with child support, custody and visitation issues, there is no stopping the continual contacts between him, you and the children.
In your attempt to use External Power to control the situation and avoid dealing with your XH, you are creating more negative enrgy and fueling the flames of the fire.
I attempted to prove that I was right and my XW was wrong in regards to spousal support over the last 2 years in dealing with lawyers and the court. What was the end result? My wallet was about $7,500 lighter. I spent a tremendous amount of mental and physical energy along with I don't know how many hours trying to put my case together in an attempt to WIN.
My own desire to control and be in power cost me money, time and just created more anger and resentment from my XW and upset my children as well. Yes, you and Snodderly advised me to not go there. You said, "let it go." You were both right.
That is not easy for me to admit to being WRONG. I'm a former MLC and you know we don't like to admit to being wrong, saying we made a mistake, or I'm sorry.
What I see is your desire to WIN and prove that you are RIGHT and that your XH is WRONG. Is that a fair statement? I'm not judging you, just calling it as I see it.
Laughing, I'm sure you have had issues with power struggles since childhood. Your power struggle with your XH is just a continuation of the past issues you have had. Those issues have not left you.
Your desire to get your XH out of your life so that this pain you feel will go away is not going to fix your pain. Your XH is not the cause of your pain. He only brings it to light.
No on can make us feel what we feel without our permission. The pain you see in your children is the pain you experienced as a child. You know it intimately as you experienced it yourself.
Let go of the things that are not in your control. You can not protect your children from their father. Unless their are clear signs of physical or sexual abuse, I highly doubt the Court will do anything to prevent your XH from excersizing his parental rights.
Yes, he is a jerk, but he is still their father. The court can't say, "you're a big fat liar, so we are not going to let you see your children." The court also can't say, "you've married a loser, so therefore we don't want your children to visit you because she will be present."
I know it doesn't seem fair. But at times, life isn't fair. Sometimes life sucks. Life is filled with all kinds of experiences. Good, bad and ugly. Each experience happens "for us" and gives us an opportunity to learn about ourselves and the parts that need healing.
Laughing, I don't know all of your past but from what I have heard and sense from your current struggles it has been filled with great pain. There is a common thread that runs through all the pain you have experienced. The common component is your soul. It is your soul that needs healing and is seeking it through human experiences.
There are some who believe that the soul chooses these experiences to "remember" that which it already knows. I'm beginning to believe their may be some truth to this.
We can clearly see the physical connections from one generation to the next, through our eyes and our ears. The genes and DNA that is passed from both parents to their children shows up in physical features. But do manerisms, attitudes, behaviors, emotions and the way a person thinks also get passed on from one generation to the next?
Looking back at my mothers life, I can see the physical. emotional and mental similarities to my own. My digestive system is like my mothers with very similar issues with foods creating acid reflex and intestinal discomfort. Some of my emotions and mental being is very similar. My mom experienced depression for most of her adult life just as I have experienced depression for much of my adult life. My mom experienced a number of heart surgerys for blockage in her arteries. I have high cholesterol and take meds for it and have been told that I'm a heart attack waiting to happen.
As much as I have had issues with my mother since as long as I can remember. I now realize I am my mother after all. She definetly is a part of me physically, mentally, emotionally and I'm sure spiritually.
Maybe the childhood experiences I had were ment to be? Maybe those painful emotional experiences were all part of the healing of my soul? Maybe I should be grateful and thankful to my mother for providing those experiences for me in my souls desire to remember that which it already knew?
When you start to believe that all things happen for a reason and that there are no coincidences. You see the world from a total diffeent perspective.
The world of fear and doubt create a whole host of negative emotions and we project that negativity onto others. What we project is what is returned to us. So if we want love, we have to give love.
So why is it that we project anger, resentment, hate, vengefulness towards others and then are surprised when they contiue to create more pain and suffering in our lives?
I know I have done that many times in my life, only to become more furstrated and upset, and then trying harder to prevent what was being projected onto me.
External Power will not work. I see it in so many instances throughout the world everyday. As human beings, we have not learned that it is just not working. We keep doing what we did in the past believing that this time the results will be different.
Our current administration has been on a huge power trip ever since taking office. Their desire to control everything externally through manipulation, lying, breaking laws in attempt to win at all costs and forcing their beliefs onto others as if their way is the only right way to live and believe in God.
Karl Rove used the ultimate human tool for getting President Bush re-elected. Fear. Fear is very powerful and controlling. You can manipulate people to do things they would not do under conditions of love if you raise enough fear in them.
What is the number one motivator of the LBS? FEAR. The LBS fear of losing their MLC spouse, of losing their marriage, of losing all that they have known and dreamed of being and having. The LBS has a great fear of not being good enough, not being loveable, of not being appreciated or valued. These are the same fears of the MLC spouse.
A LBS through their fears become very weak and lose their own strength and internal power. They become lost and confused. Yes, so do the MLC spouses of the wrold too.
The common thread that runs through all of us is that we all have the same Creator.
Everything in the Universe is made of energy. All human emotions are energy. Energy passes through us, around us and throughout the Unverse it travels. Around and around and through it goes. Passing through everything and everbody.
None of our experiences are 100% identical. But the emotions we all are feeling, both the MLC and the LBS, are indentical. All of us are experiencing an "emotional awakening." Some call it a "spiritual awakening." It is one in the same.
As a human species we are transforming into what is necessary for survival in the future. External power is no longer working. It has got us to where we are now, but it will not take us to where we need to go in order to survive.
Authentic Power is the future. It is the alignment of the personality with the soul. A MLC person is one who's personality and soul are the furthest from alignment. There personality and soul are in conflice with one another and are in an intense power struggle.
We too, the LBS are experiencing the same thing on a less distructive level. Our personalit and our soul are at odds with one another, and our MLC spouses soul and personality as well.
This sure makes for a very exciting time if you like your world turned upside down.
The change that is taking place within us and around us is all a natural part of transformation. It is very foreign to anything we have experienced in the past and we believe that this should not be happening. Especially to us. These changes also bring about fear within us.
Reality is, it's not happening to us, it's happening for us. Someday, in hopfeully the not to distant future. All of us will have the ability to see what is taking place as we develop our multisensory perceptions.
What I sense within me of what is taking place is not something that I can show you with a picture, I can not tell you in words so that you will understand, I can't say to you; hear touch this, feel it, so you will know it is real. I can't tell you to smell it with your sense of smell because it does not have a smell to what is occuring.
That which is occuring is non-physcial. There is no way to prove it's existence with the physical five senses that we have used throughout our lives to learn, experience and to understand. What we've seen, what we'eve heard, what we've smelled, what we've tasted and what we've touched is how we have come to understand all that is within our physical world.
All of us came from the non physical world. Our Creator. You can not see, hear, smell touch or taste our Creator. Yet HE/She exists.
I'm sorry that I have gotten so far off track in my attempt to shed some light on your situation from a different perspective.
Please remember this; wherever you are at, is exactly where you are suppose to be. There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
Give yourself some credit Laughing. You are a good, loving, caring, compassionate and DESERVING person. God loves you. Your children love you. Your many, many friends on this Board love you. The many people in your community love you and wish you only the best that life has to offer. I, too love you, and hope and pray that you can search for that happiness that lies within you. But first, you have to heal all the pain that is burying your love for life.
The only real way to heal is through EMOTIONAL AWARENESS. Emotional wareness is becoming aware of everything that you are feeling at every moment.
My emotions run rampant all over the place. It is the biggest chalenge I've ever face trying to become aware of my emotions and where they come from and where I feel them in my body.
Enegy passes through our body. Our emotional energies show themselves in parts of our bodies through pain and discomfort. The emotional and physical are connected.
Yesterday, I was reading Rollercoasterriders new thread. I cried externally and inside I felt sick to my stomach. My feelings of sadness and regret brought about physical expressions and discomfort inside.
John Grey, author of Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. Wrote a book titled, If you Can Feel it You Can Heal it a number of years ago. I've read parts of it many times as I have attempted to heal my pain.
A MLC spouse is feeling great pain. They don't attempt to heal it, but run from it. They believe the pain comes from the LBS. As soon as they get far enough away from their spouse, they will begin to feel much better.
This is not true. Your XH is still in great pain. How do I know? It shows up in every time he tries to take back control from you. His power struggle is about his emotionbal pain inside. He believes that as soon as he gets control of his children and his XW, he will be happy and all his pain will go away.
If I remember right, I said the same thing about you earlier in my post. Is it possible you both are fighting for the same things; respect. appreciation, validation, empathy, peace, harmony and love?
I'd like to share a quote from the book "Life Lessons."
"Untreated fear turns into anger. When we're not in touch with our fears - or when we don't even know we're afraid -- that fear grows into anger. If we don't deal with the anger, it will turn into rage."
Love,
Paul
Paul,
What you say is very true, as I am trying to protect the children from the emotional abuse. Xh is in a very bad place, and now is manipulating the children, and causing them harm. This is what I am trying to prevent. He is zapping their control away and their emotional well being while having converstations with both the children that he has no right to bring them into. I'm sure he is unaware of the level of harm he is creating at this time. My D, now 14, 5'8" is down to 103 pounds, my S15 is struggling too, yet he is burying his emotions and loosing trust, while exhibiting an negative attitude, trying to make sense of it all, as I have now had it confirmed by not only friends, but their teachers too, so, it's just not me feeling they need to be protected. They are both hurting because of his what he is doing now, as he grasps for control.
I do understand what he is doing, I obviously can't tell him what I think, or ask him to get help, so right now, my only way of helping my children, is to have him back out, until he comes to terms with what is going on inside of him. It has come to a point where he is causing more pain than the love he brings. In the past 4 years, I have encouraged his visitation, but since his accident, the passing of his sister and his marriage 3 days after her funeral, he's been stepping way out of bounds, and inflicting a great deal of emotional pain for the children.
When he gets past this point, and can return to being a better Father, I will, once again, welcome his visits.
Does this make any sense? Right now, I just don't know how long it will be, and since he is further destructing, further reaching out for control, seemly refusing to look within, I need to consider that there may not be a return of healthier behavior for the time being. Right now, he's a melt down, waiting to happen, and I want to keep my children as far away as possible until it does happen. He is instantly raging now, and I know how far he will go.
Had I not received the confirmations that I had, I would say, absolutely, I need to just let it be, but just today, I've had two people confirm what they have seen in my own children, as they have the same worries that I have too. I don't think it is as much as a power/control struggle as it is a imbedded need to protect my children.
I hope this makes sense, as I believe on many levels you are right on target, and I'm not trying to poo poo anything you have written. I just think I've come to a level I must intervene for the safety of my children.
Okay?
Take care of you, God Bless
Love,
Laughing
Laughing
Just checking in on you.
Sorry your X-H dragged you to court once again.
Reminds of my X-H.
Girl document everything he does and says, although he will still probably lie no matter what.
As for your children spending time with him, yes he will try and buy their love.
It is sad, but that is the only way he can communicate with them.
They will be home soon and in their Mother's loving arms.
Take Care Sweetie
God Bless
Laughing
What ever you choose to do is OKAY.
Acting on what you feel is the right things to do is OKAY.
No matter what, things will work out. Just as they should. They might not work out as we had planned or hoped, but things magically work out just the same.
We communicate with each other by more than words alone. Comunication can come from body language and tonality. Not comminicating is in fact communicating. It's sending a message bigger than using words.
Thee is a good possibility that through your body language, tone of voice, and the negative energy you are projecting outward by your frustration, anger and resentment is being picked up by your children, and having an impact on them as well as what your XH is doing.
In my situation withg my XW during seperation and divorce. My children were equally upset with me as they were with their mother for the pain they were feeling.
I'm sure they thought that the pain they were feeling was being caused by both of our actions. They just wanted it to end.
Have you ever asked your children how they feel about you and if they think you are contributing to the problems with their father? I'd be very suprised if they were honest with you that they would put 100% of the blame on him for all of the chaos on their life. There's two sides to every issue.
Yes, your XH may be the bigger factor in all of this, but you play a role as well. Can you take some time to take a look at what you may be doing, or not doing, that is contributing to this drama? By possibly making one small change can bring about a great change in the current situation.
Have you given thought to the lesson of "forgiveness?" As Michelle has stated, "Forgiveness is the gift you give to yourself." Hanging on to anger, resentment and blaming brings more pain and agony. For you and your children.
If you can find some time to sit quitely, listen to your inner voice and hear the wisdom that will be shared with you. The answers to your problems lie within you, They are not something you can control by external power.
Love,
Paul
(((((Laughing)))))
I don't really post here any more. I am past the need to for myself and I know the new posters, who are in so much pain, have many people here to support and advise them. There are also so few people posting now whom I feel I know. But you are one of those and when I dropped in tonight, I felt compelled to respond to you, old friend.
I am a firm believer in "it is better to understand than to condemn" but there are some situations when it is imperative that we take a stand, and stand up for what is right. Neutrality sometimes does have to be abandoned and appeasement can unfortunately be construed as weakness by those who do not wish for an outcome which benefits everybody, but merely wish to win.
Regardless of the personal histories of those involved; regardless of the pain and fear which drives them, sometimes it is necessary to make that stand. As you are doing.
Devoted parents know instinctively that this becomes necessary when their children are being negatively affected, and used as pawns in a power play.
No one is a more devoted parent than you, dear Laughing, and I applaud the stand you are taking. And of course you understand that often, battles are won by strategy rather than instinctive and immediate action. So I am so pleased to read that you are equipping yourself for the fight with evidence, witnesses and all the support you can muster.
You are a tigress fighting for her cubs. I would be just the same.
And of course, fighting does not mean that you declare war on your xh, even if he has done so to you. Knowing you as I do, I know you will keep on slowly but surely advancing towards your goal of protecting your children, without seeking to hurt your xh any more than is necessary to achieve that goal.
And I do think that your xh too will ultimately benefit from learning the lesson that he is wrong to use the children in this way.
Do you know John Bunyan's hymn, "To be a pilgrim?" It came into my mind tonight when I read this thread, along with "Fight the good fight, with all your might." I googled it! And here is a fragment:
"Who would true valour see,
Let him come hither;
One here will constant be,
Come wind, come weather."
Valour and constancy - just 2 of your attributes.
Thinking of you, all blessings to you and the children
Jaybeexxxx (been a while since I typed that!)
My D, now 14, 5'8" is down to 103 pounds
OUCH! What is causing this? I have to admit reading this terrifies me, as my daughter at the worst of her eating disorder (anorexia/bulimia) was 90 lbs. at 5'4" - which would be relatively heavier than your daughter. Granted, body types differ, but your daughter is severely underweight for her height.
Does she have any digestive problems? (Celiac disease - gluten snsitivity - can be a cause of weight loss). Do you suspect an eating disorder or exercise bulimia? Please be careful here.
Ellie
Paul,
I'm the reason my children are who they are. I'm the reason they haven't fully given up hope. I'm the reason my son isn't drinking out on the streets, doing drugs, shaving his head, getting tatoos, piercing his body, is an athelet, does well in school, was driving at 14. His father calls him and tells him, I am nothing but a lazy B who sits on her butt all day and lives off of him. He calls and tells him the child support should be paid directly to them, and NOT used to help buy food, provide shelter, help pay electricity. Calls him and tells him the lies about why we are divorced, why women are weak. Then he goes on how having him put out the trash is abusing him, having him feed all the dogs, again, abuse...... for the past 6 months he has been making plans with my son to bring the car to him, and it has yet to arrive, it goes on in on, this is only the most frequent words he uses.
For my daughter, he prays she won't grow up to be a useless woman like her mother. In her presence, he checks out other women, and comments about their bodies, and when she objects to hearing what he has to say, he tells her to shut up, she doesn't know what the H she is talking about, and she will not talk back to him. This weekend, they all went out to eat for lunch, when she didn't eat as much as XH and his wife thought she should, they had them pack it up in a "doggy bag" when they got home, several hours later, he made her sit with their dog, until the dog finished the plate. Then fed her no dinner, and told her she couldn't eat breakfast until they got up, which was 4 hours after she normally eats breakfast.
When a child has food issues, you cannot make food an issue.
These are only a few reasons why I believe their reactions are coming from his actions, more so than mine. I won't even start on all the promises he has made to them, and not kept, then turned around and blamed me for the promises not being kept.
I am very aware of my own history, began changing it when I was in my 20s, and when I became unexpectantly pregnant with my S, I read a library full of books on how to raise an emotionally and physically healthy child..... my favorite person to emmulate was T.Berry Brazelton, and I vowed to stop the cycle that I grew up with. To this day, neither child has had a broken bone, a cavity, a bloody nose, been in the hospital overnight, or had any health problems or issues, except the one that is developing with my D now, which may become worse, now that he has taken her power away to say no, I'd rather stay home, I would like to see you, but would rather sleep in my own bed tonight, I don't want to go to CA, or be away from home for 6 weeks, I suspect her problem will become worse.
I am the person they call on the phone while they are away 5 or 6 times in a day, or IM when on a computer at school, I am the person they look for and reach to when they need support, I am the one they look for to do battle with, when their heart is aching and they need to scream, for they know they are perfectly safe with me. They know what ever they do or say, even in the heat of anger, they will NEVER loose my love, respect or feel they are less. As their counselor told me, I am their safe parent, they know I will always, always be here for them.
I am fully aware they look to me for guidance, watch me to be their role model. Unless xh is in full attack mode, I do not show my emotions or feelings about xh while he is around. I refuse to engage with him, if the children are in ear shot, although I speak candidly with them, about the things he does, it is with compassion and understanding, as to not give a hint about the way I feel, for I know, any negativity I show, will someday come back around to me. My mother spoke negativily about my father, and even though he was abusive, I still felt like I had to defend him. I won't do that to my children. I am the person that has guided them through out all of this, and has been told by the school administration, that they not been told what was going on, they would have never suspected a problem.
I don't have to ask my children how they feel about me, for we have an unspoken language all of our own. We have complete dialogs from across a crowded gymnasiums, football fields, track fields, with just a look or an expression. I feel their hearts beat, even when we are miles apart. I know their pain by the way it clenches at my heart, I know their joy as it lifts my soul, I know the sound of our music, the hum of our energies combined, when we are together as one family, as I know instintively when one of us is out of sync too. I don't have to ask, no, not at all, as I am sure this is true of most, if not all the Mother's sitting here reading this now. There's a universe of difference from watching a child born, and giving birth.
Take care of you God Bless
Love,
Laughing
Jaybee,
You do understand and you do see. Yes, my desire is not to hurt xh, but to guard against any more pain for my children. He is not well, he is bitter and angry, yet because he refuses to look at his own actions, he is feeling like a victim or martyr, seeking revenge and control. Even his face has changed so much, he does not look like him. His stance, his constant clench of his jaw, there is nothing peaceful or loving near enough to the surface for him to see what he is doing.
I must help my children gain their voices back, show them their value and true worth. What he is doing is not right, is not fair, and all I am looking for is equity and for them to be heard.
You have posted with such fine elegance, I miss your presence here and your postings, this place is not the same without you.
How have you been? How is Joe? Have you been singing? What things have you learned?
I have missed you Jaybee, and I'm honored you felt compelled to write to me.
Take care of you, God Bless
Love,
Laughing
Ellie,
Oh, it terrifies me too. D is becoming anorexic or is one, for she is the type of child that used to consume 3500 (or more) calories a day and continue to weigh 120 to 125 pounds (what I'd do for a metabolism like this)on her small and lanky frame. Yup, she's all legs and arms) Since September/October, she has cut her food consumption down to a 1/2 cup of cereal in the morning, fruit or salad for lunch, and micro portions for dinner. She does have a large glass (20oz) milk for a "snack" after school, however, a snack in my terms is something I chew.
She still has good days, but even on good days, will not touch sugary foods or fried foods, and very few carbs... although can be tempted with a good alfredo, but it is very controlled when eating. I know you know the signs and symptoms as I watch for every bite, and pretend not to notice.
Every now and then, she will crave peanut butter, but on a spoon, so there are jars of that in the cupboard too. I can tell when her blood sugar dips too low, by the way she growls and her hands shake, but thankfully she will reach for a glass of milk in those times.
Yes, underweight, I know, her shoulder blades now stick out farther than her front side.... and her cute little round butt is no longer there. I am worried because she will begin track soon, as she may not have enough energy stored to keep her from falling on her face, but then again, it may just help her with her appetite.
The stress from these past years are now appearing within both my children. I have noticed in calmer times, she will relax the control, eat more, as I have even seen her nibble some chocolates. Oh yes, nibble she does, just like a mouse. She once would eat a huge bowl of popcorn, look for pasta or cake then a hour or so later, eat a full dinner plate. Now, I stock those food she will eat and pray she wants more.
I am watching her closely, as are two of her teachers. As long as she is holding her weight here, I will just sit back, but if she looses any more, I am ready with more help. I am hoping she can turn this around in her own way, and not get trapped by the voices within.
Both my kids are thin, they have been since they started to run. As it is difficult to imagine they were both 30 pounds at 12 months. They weighed that same 30 pounds at 3, 4, and 5, and slowly crept up as they grew taller. She maxed out at 125 pounds, but since I knew she ate all the time, I wasn't concerned. Now, everything is scrutinized before she puts it into her mouth.
It is difficult to watch, but I know you understand. I can't say a word of concern, until she is ready to listen.
Take care of you, God Bless
Love,
Laughing
I can't say a word of concern, until she is ready to listen.
Oh yes you can!
Please understand this about eating disorders - it is NOT a deliberate act. It is NOT under their control. It is a demon forcing them not to eat. You need to help her fight that demon. Although she may fight disclosure like a drug addict does, she will be secretly glad that you are there and can reassure her that you will help her to fight this monster.
It's closest relation is obsessive-compulsive disorder. Picture the person with an OCD germ phobia. They know intellectually that it is safe to shake hands, but the obsessive thoughts about germs torment them until they HAVE to go scrub and scrub and scrub. It is like having an itch and being told not to scratch it.
It is similar for eating disorders. They can be starving, and yet the obsessive thinking won't let them eat.
One big worry I have about your "wait and see" approach: the more weight they lose, the harder it gets to reach them. Often, the initial weight loss is normal (my D lost 20 lbs. doing Junior Lifeguards in the summer. She was getting a great workout, and the weight she lost just moved her from the high end of normal to the low end of normal. Still, it was enough to kick off the eating disorder in someone with a genetic predisposition. Luckily, we found out about it only 6 months later - she had lost a total of 45 lbs. by then)
Does she love track? If so, can you get the coach to say she can't compete until she puts on some weight?
Some things that helped me:
The book The Secret Language of Eating Disorders does a pretty good job of getting inside the mind of someone with an eating disorder - my daughter confirmed afterwards that it was pretty accurate.
Another book, The Boy Who Wouldn't Stop Washing by Rappaport, was hlpful to me. While it is a book about OCD, not eating disorders per se, it helped me to understand the compulsive aspects of eating disorders.
You're a great mom, L. Don't worry about H. He's a sick man. The kids can see that. They are old enough, they will now forge whatever R they are or aren't going to have with him. Luckily, they are old enough to tell the courts which parent they want to live with. Trust your kids. Just because S hopes to get a car out of dad doesn't mean he will abandon you - it just means he figures he might as well get what he can from H.
You know, I just read a story in this literary magazine I get called The Sun. A lot of the stories are autobiographical. This one was told by a woman whose father had an affair. Mom kicked him out and divorced him. Dad took up with another woman (not the original OW) and quickly married her. Soon after, dad was diagnosed with early Alzheimer's - in retrospect, not only the affair, but various other odd behaviors were explained by the brain disease. Second wife ended up nursing him until he died at 57.
I often wonder, when spouses behave SO erratically as yours does, which of them will turn out to have a brain disease. Actually, I guess most of them at least have the brain disease of depression, but some day one of these guys is going to turn out to have some kind of dementia or a brain tumor or something. Don't know why your H makes me think of this, but he does.
He's sick, L. Let it go. Teach your kids to speak up for themselves, help them to see their dad isn't well and it's not about them. So long as the majority of their life is spent in your loving family, the weird times they spend with dad will only be a footnote to their lives.
Ellie
Laughing
In reading your post, I sense I have struck a nerve.
My assumption you're feeling not appreciated, valued or loved?
What I hear when I read your post is a person who is in pain and is trying to defend their actions. This is normal, I have done it for most of my life. Although today, I try not to do it.
When a person defends, they are covering their fears and not facing their pain.
In an earlier post you stated that you wanted your XH to leave you and your children alone. You wanted him out of your lives.
I assume that comes from the desire to be SAFE, VALUED and LOVED.
These are the three things we value the most.
Your XH brings up feelings within you that are the opposite of these feelings. You don't feel SAFE as long as he is part of your life and your childrens life. You don't feel VALUED or APPRECIATED by him for raising the kids and helping them become who they are today. You definetly don't feel LOVED by him, for if he really LOVED you, he wouldn't be causing you all this pain.
Your children are old enough now to form their own opinions. Your XH, their father, is a sick man. They can see this with their own eyes. They are at an age where they are forming their own beliefs and understanding of life and relationships.
What I hear you saying is that you have protected your children from experiencing normal human experiences. Your fears are making you overly possesive in protecting your children from experiencing pain.
Your children have never experienced a broken bone, cavity, bloody nose, or been in the hospital overnight, or had sany other health issues or problems. If they had experienced these things, would that make you a bad mother?
Laughing, your insecurities and fears are driving you in your pursuit of External Power. You are obsessed with controlling everything around you and your children's lives. By doing this, you are not allowing your children to live life. And neither are you allowing yourself to live life, the way it was intended to be lived.
Life is not all perfect. To experience life fully, one must feel the pain that comes with living. Your childrens situation with you and their father is an opportunity for them to learn what love is and what love is not. You are trying to manipulate and control in an effort to protect your children from experiencing the opposite of love.
How will one know what joy, love and happiness is unless they have experienced the complete opposite. Experiencing the negative emotions makes feeling the positive ones that much more special.
In your effort to prevent your children from living and experiencing the life you grew up with, you are unknowingly re-creating it.
Laughing, you look for your own self worth through your children. It is your children who make you feel "good enough." It is your children who make you feel "valued." It is your children who make you feel "loveable." Without your children who are you? Are you not these same things? What do you really feel about yourself inside?
Your pursuit of External Power by control and manipulation is your attempt to make yourself feel whole. This does not work. How do I know? Because I have tried it my whole life.
My external pursuits have all been about trying to make meyself feel "good enough," "valued," and "loved." The more I pursuid externally to fill that void within me, the more I hungered for more of it. I could never quench my thirst for feeling good about me. I too have become obssesed in my pursuit to seek appreciation, to be liked and loved, to be complimented for my value as a human being. I too don't value, appreciate, respect, nor love myself like I should. For most of my adult life I have felt that I did not deserve better things to happen to me or for me.
Until I can fully love myself, feel that I am good enough just as I am, and value myself for all that I am right now, I will never find peace, harmony and love.
I have believed that everything was within my power. I believed that I was driving the bus. I was WRONG.
The only thing within my power were my thoughts, my feelings, my attitude and my choices. Everthing that was external, from that which was within me, was not in my control.
It took me a long time to "let go" of the steering wheel on the bus and take a seat in the back. Soon I began to appreciate watching "life evolve" versus trying to "control life."
From time to time I do try to jump back in the drivers seat and grab hold of that steering wheel. Why? Because old beliefs crop up inside my head thinking that I can control things. Bad habits are sometimes hard to change. As human beings, we are creatures of habit.
But we have the ability and power within us to create new beliefs and new habits that will bring us more peace, harmony and love.
If you were to look back over the years to when you first began this journey of your XH's MLC. Would you say there is more or less, peace, harmony and love in your life today, than when you first started down this path of seperation and divorce?
Through the choices we make, we do create our own reality.
Many of us are in pursuit of that "someday" when everything will be just right and perfect. I have come to realize. "someday" never comes. The only time there is is NOW.
Yesterday is gone, tomorrow is not yet here. The only moment that exists is the PRESENT. That is the gift God gives to each of us.
We can live in a world of regret, guilt and shame of our past. We can fear what the future might bring to us and remain stuck in our current life and not move forward. Or we can choose to find peace, harmony and love in the PRESENT and appreciate all the beauty that life offers us daily.
It's our choice.
Love,
Paul
[quote=M Go Blue]Laughing
In reading your post, I sense I have struck a nerve.
My assumption you're feeling not appreciated, valued or loved?
Ahhh, no.
What I hear when I read your post is a person who is in pain and is trying to defend their actions. This is normal, I have done it for most of my life. Although today, I try not to do it.
I'm not trying to defend myself, I am trying to explain, to open a larger window so that you may understand.
When a person defends, they are covering their fears and not facing their pain. This sounds true, however, I am explaining, not defending
In an earlier post you stated that you wanted your XH to leave you and your children alone. You wanted him out of your lives. As long as he continues to act in the fashion he is today. If and when he is able to pluck his head out of whereever it is, and be responsible for his actions, he will be more than welcomed to join the crowd.
I assume that comes from the desire to be SAFE, VALUED and LOVED.
These are the three things we value the most. There, yes, safe. Remember, this is the same man that asked ME if I knew how easy it would be to kill me. Just Tuesday evening, I had his best friend/now tenant farmer, shooting firearems in my pasture. No it may have been a bullet accidently ricocheted pasted my vehicle as I was driving by, (over 400 yards, I might add) or maybe not. Ya, safe would be a good word to use.
Your XH brings up feelings within you that are the opposite of these feelings. You don't feel SAFE as long as he is part of your life and your childrens life. You don't feel VALUED or APPRECIATED by him for raising the kids and helping them become who they are today. You definetly don't feel LOVED by him, for if he really LOVED you, he wouldn't be causing you all this pain. Paul, I don't care if he loves me, I'd really much prefer if he didn't. Respect me as the Mother of his children, would be good, but na, it's okay with me that he's is married to someone else. He is unable at this time to value me, I know this, this is okay too. I have value and respect for what I do, I don't need anyone elses.
Your children are old enough now to form their own opinions. Your XH, their father, is a sick man. They can see this with their own eyes. They are at an age where they are forming their own beliefs and understanding of life and relationships.
What I hear you saying is that you have protected your children from experiencing normal human experiences. Your fears are making you overly possesive in protecting your children from experiencing pain. Whoa, it's a good thing they didn't feel anything when their father left, it's a good thing they didn't feel anything when they lost 2 grandmothers within one year of each other, I'm glad they don't feel anything when they think about loosing their home, I'm glad they didn't feel any pain while they watched me go through treatment last year, hey, I'm glad they didn't feel anything when they heard their father was in a motorcycle accident, I'm glad they didn't feel anything when we lost three beloved pets in the past 2 years, I'm glad they don't feel anything when their father doesn't show up to games, promotions, award ceremonies, I'm glad they didn't feel anything when their Dad married the woman they feel took their Dad away..... Gosh, I thought they might have had too much in the past 4 years, and this is what I can recall right now, if I sit and actually think, I bet I can come up with another 24 experiences they have had, oh, like have their Aunt pass away, and the two other Aunts go through breast cancer, I'm sure you get the drift.
Your children have never experienced a broken bone, cavity, bloody nose, or been in the hospital overnight, or had sany other health issues or problems. If they had experienced these things, would that make you a bad mother? My God, NO! What it does mean is that I studied hard AND I comprehended what I read.... I have no judgement on subjects pertaining to motherhood... I just know I'm doing the best I can.
Laughing, your insecurities and fears are driving you in your pursuit of External Power. You are obsessed with controlling everything around you and your children's lives. By doing this, you are not allowing your children to live life. And neither are you allowing yourself to live life, the way it was intended to be lived. I'm obsessed? Not the word that has been used to describe me, but if you think so, okay.
Life is not all perfect. To experience life fully, one must feel the pain that comes with living. Your childrens situation with you and their father is an opportunity for them to learn what love is and what love is not. You are trying to manipulate and control in an effort to protect your children from experiencing the opposite of love. Life is not perfect, it isn't fair either.... check.
How will one know what joy, love and happiness is unless they have experienced the complete opposite. Experiencing the negative emotions makes feeling the positive ones that much more special.
In your effort to prevent your children from living and experiencing the life you grew up with, you are unknowingly re-creating it.
Laughing, you look for your own self worth through your children. It is your children who make you feel "good enough." It is your children who make you feel "valued." It is your children who make you feel "loveable." Without your children who are you? Are you not these same things? What do you really feel about yourself inside? My self worth has nothing to do with my children.... although I do want them to know THEY are so valuable that I would go to the ends of the earth for them, if need be.
Your pursuit of External Power by control and manipulation is your attempt to make yourself feel whole. This does not work. How do I know? Because I have tried it my whole life. Where does protecting healthy emotional boundaries come into play here? Hmmmm, I guess I'm supposed to let xh walk all over me, and even the court orders... and how am I suppose to change the dance, by changing me or the way I act/react to his control/power plays? Hmmmm, I still don't exactly what you are looking at.
My external pursuits have all been about trying to make meyself feel "good enough," "valued," and "loved." The more I pursuid externally to fill that void within me, the more I hungered for more of it. I could never quench my thirst for feeling good about me. I too have become obssesed in my pursuit to seek appreciation, to be liked and loved, to be complimented for my value as a human being. I too don't value, appreciate, respect, nor love myself like I should. For most of my adult life I have felt that I did not deserve better things to happen to me or for me.
Until I can fully love myself, feel that I am good enough just as I am, and value myself for all that I am right now, I will never find peace, harmony and love.
I have believed that everything was within my power. I believed that I was driving the bus. I was WRONG.
The only thing within my power were my thoughts, my feelings, my attitude and my choices. Everthing that was external, from that which was within me, was not in my control.
It took me a long time to "let go" of the steering wheel on the bus and take a seat in the back. Soon I began to appreciate watching "life evolve" versus trying to "control life." Oh, I have full intentions of allowing God to handle things, but I believe he also wants to me help myself too and not just sit back and wait for Him to do everything.... He's wants to see that I find self worth enough that I want to help myself also...
From time to time I do try to jump back in the drivers seat and grab hold of that steering wheel. Why? Because old beliefs crop up inside my head thinking that I can control things. Bad habits are sometimes hard to change. As human beings, we are creatures of habit.
But we have the ability and power within us to create new beliefs and new habits that will bring us more peace, harmony and love.
If you were to look back over the years to when you first began this journey of your XH's MLC. Would you say there is more or less, peace, harmony and love in your life today, than when you first started down this path of seperation and divorce? Oh, that's easy, there is REAL joy, we finally have peace, have learned what harmony is all about, and I have so many more people in my life, than I did the 15 years we were married..... Life is 100% better!
Through the choices we make, we do create our own reality.
Many of us are in pursuit of that "someday" when everything will be just right and perfect. I have come to realize. "someday" never comes. The only time there is is NOW.
Yesterday is gone, tomorrow is not yet here. The only moment that exists is the PRESENT. That is the gift God gives to each of us.
We can live in a world of regret, guilt and shame of our past. We can fear what the future might bring to us and remain stuck in our current life and not move forward. Or we can choose to find peace, harmony and love in the PRESENT and appreciate all the beauty that life offers us daily.
It's our choice.
Love,
Paul
Just take it for what it's worth.... Take care of you, God Bless
Love,
Laughing
[quote=M Go Blue]Laughing
In reading your post, I sense I have struck a nerve.
My assumption you're feeling not appreciated, valued or loved?
Ahhh, not quite true.
What I hear when I read your post is a person who is in pain and is trying to defend their actions. This is normal, I have done it for most of my life. Although today, I try not to do it.
I'm not trying to defend myself, I am trying to explain, to open a larger window so that you may understand.
When a person defends, they are covering their fears and not facing their pain. This sounds true, however, I am explaining, not defending
In an earlier post you stated that you wanted your XH to leave you and your children alone. You wanted him out of your lives. As long as he continues to act in the fashion he is today. If and when he is able to pluck his head out of whereever it is, and be responsible for his actions, he will be more than welcomed to join the crowd.
I assume that comes from the desire to be SAFE, VALUED and LOVED.
These are the three things we value the most. There, yes, safe. Remember, this is the same man that asked ME if I knew how easy it would be to kill me. Just Tuesday evening, I had his best friend/now tenant farmer, shooting firearems in my pasture. No it may have been a bullet accidently ricocheted pasted my vehicle as I was driving by, (over 400 yards, I might add) or maybe not. Ya, safe would be a good word to use.
Your XH brings up feelings within you that are the opposite of these feelings. You don't feel SAFE as long as he is part of your life and your childrens life. You don't feel VALUED or APPRECIATED by him for raising the kids and helping them become who they are today. You definetly don't feel LOVED by him, for if he really LOVED you, he wouldn't be causing you all this pain. Paul, I don't care if he loves me, I'd really much prefer if he didn't. Respect me as the Mother of his children, would be good, but na, it's okay with me that he's is married to someone else. He is unable at this time to value me, I know this, this is okay too. I have value and respect for what I do, I don't need anyone elses.
Your children are old enough now to form their own opinions. Your XH, their father, is a sick man. They can see this with their own eyes. They are at an age where they are forming their own beliefs and understanding of life and relationships.
What I hear you saying is that you have protected your children from experiencing normal human experiences. Your fears are making you overly possesive in protecting your children from experiencing pain. Whoa, it's a good thing they didn't feel anything when their father left, it's a good thing they didn't feel anything when they lost 2 grandmothers within one year of each other, I'm glad they don't feel anything when they think about loosing their home, I'm glad they didn't feel any pain while they watched me go through treatment last year, hey, I'm glad they didn't feel anything when they heard their father was in a motorcycle accident, I'm glad they didn't feel anything when we lost three beloved pets in the past 2 years, I'm glad they don't feel anything when their father doesn't show up to games, promotions, award ceremonies, I'm glad they didn't feel anything when their Dad married the woman they feel took their Dad away..... Gosh, I thought they might have had too much in the past 4 years, and this is what I can recall right now, if I sit and actually think, I bet I can come up with another 24 experiences they have had, oh, like have their Aunt pass away, and the two other Aunts go through breast cancer, I'm sure you get the drift.
Your children have never experienced a broken bone, cavity, bloody nose, or been in the hospital overnight, or had sany other health issues or problems. If they had experienced these things, would that make you a bad mother? My God, NO! What it does mean is that I studied hard AND I comprehended what I read.... I have no judgement on subjects pertaining to motherhood... I just know I'm doing the best I can.
Laughing, your insecurities and fears are driving you in your pursuit of External Power. You are obsessed with controlling everything around you and your children's lives. By doing this, you are not allowing your children to live life. And neither are you allowing yourself to live life, the way it was intended to be lived. I'm obsessed? Not the word that has been used to describe me, but if you think so, okay.
Life is not all perfect. To experience life fully, one must feel the pain that comes with living. Your childrens situation with you and their father is an opportunity for them to learn what love is and what love is not. You are trying to manipulate and control in an effort to protect your children from experiencing the opposite of love. Life is not perfect, it isn't fair either.... check.
How will one know what joy, love and happiness is unless they have experienced the complete opposite. Experiencing the negative emotions makes feeling the positive ones that much more special.
In your effort to prevent your children from living and experiencing the life you grew up with, you are unknowingly re-creating it.
Laughing, you look for your own self worth through your children. It is your children who make you feel "good enough." It is your children who make you feel "valued." It is your children who make you feel "loveable." Without your children who are you? Are you not these same things? What do you really feel about yourself inside? My self worth has nothing to do with my children.... although I do want them to know THEY are so valuable that I would go to the ends of the earth for them, if need be.
Your pursuit of External Power by control and manipulation is your attempt to make yourself feel whole. This does not work. How do I know? Because I have tried it my whole life. Where does protecting healthy emotional boundaries come into play here? Hmmmm, I guess I'm supposed to let xh walk all over me, and even the court orders... and how am I suppose to change the dance, by changing me or the way I act/react to his control/power plays? Hmmmm, I still don't exactly what you are looking at.
My external pursuits have all been about trying to make meyself feel "good enough," "valued," and "loved." The more I pursuid externally to fill that void within me, the more I hungered for more of it. I could never quench my thirst for feeling good about me. I too have become obssesed in my pursuit to seek appreciation, to be liked and loved, to be complimented for my value as a human being. I too don't value, appreciate, respect, nor love myself like I should. For most of my adult life I have felt that I did not deserve better things to happen to me or for me.
Until I can fully love myself, feel that I am good enough just as I am, and value myself for all that I am right now, I will never find peace, harmony and love.
I have believed that everything was within my power. I believed that I was driving the bus. I was WRONG.
The only thing within my power were my thoughts, my feelings, my attitude and my choices. Everthing that was external, from that which was within me, was not in my control.
It took me a long time to "let go" of the steering wheel on the bus and take a seat in the back. Soon I began to appreciate watching "life evolve" versus trying to "control life." Oh, I have full intentions of allowing God to handle things, but I believe he also wants to me help myself too and not just sit back and wait for Him to do everything.... He's wants to see that I find self worth enough that I want to help myself also...
From time to time I do try to jump back in the drivers seat and grab hold of that steering wheel. Why? Because old beliefs crop up inside my head thinking that I can control things. Bad habits are sometimes hard to change. As human beings, we are creatures of habit.
But we have the ability and power within us to create new beliefs and new habits that will bring us more peace, harmony and love.
If you were to look back over the years to when you first began this journey of your XH's MLC. Would you say there is more or less, peace, harmony and love in your life today, than when you first started down this path of seperation and divorce? Oh, that's easy, there is REAL joy, we finally have peace, have learned what harmony is all about, and I have so many more people in my life, than I did the 15 years we were married..... Life is 100% better!
Through the choices we make, we do create our own reality.
Many of us are in pursuit of that "someday" when everything will be just right and perfect. I have come to realize. "someday" never comes. The only time there is is NOW.
Yesterday is gone, tomorrow is not yet here. The only moment that exists is the PRESENT. That is the gift God gives to each of us.
We can live in a world of regret, guilt and shame of our past. We can fear what the future might bring to us and remain stuck in our current life and not move forward. Or we can choose to find peace, harmony and love in the PRESENT and appreciate all the beauty that life offers us daily.
It's our choice.
Love,
Paul
Just take it for what it's worth.... Take care of you, God Bless
Love,
Laughing
Laughing, A little bit defensive aren't we? I am going to stick my head out here and reply to you. This is what I have observed for a long time with you. I think that you are so afraid of losing everything that you are fighting so hard to keep it but in the process you are losing it any way.
What fears are keeping you from moving on and letting go of the past? You are so determined to stay on your farm even though it is constantly causing you and your children stress ( and I'm not talking a little stress either). By doing everything that you can to hold on to that farm you are creating problems in your life. I have read all your excuses about why you don't want to move and I think that they are just your fear talking. I think that you are afraid that if you let go that you will lose that connection to your xh. I don't believe for a second that staying on that farm and all the crap that is happening with it is good for you or your kids. Think how much stress would be relieved if you had your own place that your xh had absolutely no connection to.
I think that you are afraid to let go. I don't think that it is just your xh that is trying to control this I think you are.
You are trying way to hard to control the relationship between your children and their father. Their relationship is just that THEIR RELATIONSHIP. As much as it sucks( and believe me we do know that it sucks) it is and has to be between them. YOU are not responsible for the pain that he is causing them. He is.
Continuing to fight him is only causing them and you more stress. The only reason he is even trying to do all of this is because he knows that you will take the bait again. How many times have you played this game with him? I have lost count. I suspect that you have lost count also.
Now please don't think that I am telling you to lay down and not protect yourself and your children, I'm not. I'm trying to point out to you that you keep fighting and keep getting beaten down and yet you don't ever change your tactics. You have been beating your head against the same wall for years and you think that if you paint it a different color that it is a different wall but it isn't. What you are and have been doing isn't working and hasn't worked. Everytime you go to court you end up in a worse and worse situation than you were before. My thought is that God is trying to tell you that he has different plans for you but you are so stubborn that you aren't allowing him to get you the message. When what you are doing isn't working it is time to try something totally different.
I have watched my BIL fight his ex in court for 9 years. He has spent well over a $100,000 and you know what, he still never gets to see his kids. His ex accused him of horrible things and lied about everything. Even though there was proof he finally had to stop fighting. Even with all of the proof that he had he still kept losing in court and destroying his family at the same time.
I don't know why the court system is so blind and ignorant sometimes but they are. I don't think that you are going to make any progress as long as you keep having show downs with him in court. You need to learn to have faith that God is going to make your xh pay for all of his actions. Even if the judge doesn't see it God does. I don't believe that God wants you to keep pushing yourself down this road. I believe that he has much better plans for you but until you let go he can't get you on that new and better path. And please don't tell me that you have let go. We all know better.
I recognize that you are going to have answers for everything that I have written here but I hope that you will at least consider my thoughts on this.
ST
Hi Laughing,
I don't feel you are being defensive at all. You are getting a lot thrown at you and you are trying to answer their questions.
I think you are doing the right thing regarding your xh. He won't leave you alone and you need to protect yourself and your children. I think ultimatley the rewards will be yours.
It is okay to let go and let God but God gives us the tools necessary to fight the battles we need to fight. I have not seen an angel come down lately to help me fight my battles or seen a burning bush for that matter.
Anyway I think your hard work and patience will pay off. You have a much harder battle then so many and it has not made you angry or bitter. But quite the opposite. You have grown as person and a mother. You are loving, caring and so very smart.
Hi again Laughing
I just dropped by to see how you are doing. I had overlooked the comment about your d's weight that Ellie picked up on. And I am also the mother of a young woman with an eating disorder, as you may well remember.
And I just wanted to say that early intervention is SO important. My d has suffered from bulimia for many years, but of course, her weight was always normal so we did not pick up on the secret problem in the early stages. And she has struggled so much psychologically, including resorting to serious self harm, which is common when these inner demons take over their lives.
She is only now getting in control of her obsession with food and weight and it is still an uphill struggle. Eating disorders can become so intractable if left untreated, so I hope that you and your d can find a way to help her deal with the stresses of life which does not lead to such a serious and long lasting problem. Please be proactive, as Ellie advises.
I hope that there is good professional help available to you and that she is willing to take full advantage of any help offered.
As to the rest of the advice you are being given. By all means consider it, take what is useful and let the rest fall away. You don't have to defend yourself, dear Laughing.
Thank you for your kind words. To answer your questions: I am fine, my parents are still doing well, despite their great ages. See above re youngest d!
Joe is great, and his dad did seem to listen to what I wrote to him a few months ago about giving Joe a bit more of his time and attention. I have learned that stopping the regular contact from my xh has been incredibly freeing for me, although he has seemed to be quite depressed this winter.
And yes, I am still singing. It brings me such joy, and has been the source of many new friendships.
Much love
Jaybeexxxx
Oh Laughing,
You are going through hell.
(((((((hugs))))))))
I hope you don't still think your XH is a "decent man underneath", after that not-very-veiled-at-all threat to your life? Decent men don't do this, not even when going through MLC.
As for your D's problems, I can empathise with you, my D is going through rough times. It breaks my heart that when S2BXNH left, he told me that our D7 would be OK, as "children adapt". So easy to say, tra la.
Laughing, I imagine you have read up about triangulation? Also, get hold of that book "SPLITTING: Protecting yourself While Divorcing a Borderline or a Narcissist". Please check this out.
http://www.bpdcentral.com/bks/spy.phpLove,
Livnlearn
Laughing
Sometimes we see what we want to see, and sometimes we believe what we want to believe.
You're right in your own mind.
I've decided it is best if I don't post any further to you at this time. It seems I am just raising more defensiveness and justification for your continued pattern of dealing with your XH.
My posts seem to bring out more anger,pain and resentment from within you.
I do hope that things work out for you and your children.
Love,
Paul
Mmmm! Methinks maybe Paul is the one getting defensive now? I think you were pretty tough on Laughing, and when she gives her opinion of your read on her sitch, you withdraw. I have never thought Laughing to be defensive, or controlling ... quite the opposite. I thought she was somewhat too easy on her H ... maybe, for the sake of the children, which is a good reason. But, he has shown how far he is willing to go (I mean, really, what's with the veiled threat on her life), so I say, go all out, Laughing, protect yourself and your children, any way you can within the bounds of the law.
As for life .... it isn't fair or perfect, and why shouldn't we try and protect our kids as much from the bad stuff as possible. We can never completely protect them, because life has a way of getting it's negativity through no matter how we try to keep it out.
Take care, Laughing. Hoping you have a good week, and know that things will work for the best, ultimately. If there is any justice in the world, that is.
wow, how about this.... what a mess.
I wasn't angry, I haven't been angry, nor have I held anger in my heart while typing any of these posts. The anger felt is not mine.
For those who are concerned about D, I have set up an appointment for tomorrow with her counselor. After talking with her teachers, we all confirmed and agreed that this trip is not in her best interest as they have been kind enough to help me find a few ways to go about this. I talked with 7 teachers, the school counselor, the principal and superintendant, and suprisingly in my real life I found 11 people to agree.... I thought I was having a pretty positive day.
Has anyone noticed I haven't tried to change S's plans.... he wants to go, he is comfortable with the thoughts of going, I have concerns, however, I am leaving it up to him.... while preparing to deal with what comes next, when he comes back.
I am doing the same for my daughter, as she has chosen not to go, I am trying to protect her right to choose. She is 14 not 4, she doesn't have the bond with xh, she doesn't do well with her father nor his wife, as there are 11 people who agree with me, not that I need them to agree, but it was nice to hear.
In the months to come, their roles may reverse, and at that time, I will take a different stance, IF NECESSARY.
As for xh, he is responsible for the relationship with his children, he is responsible for his own actions. He chose to show up an hour late last night, which I of course had a civilian escort to witness his late arrival and noncompliance to the court ruling. Different? Yes, because he had called to ask if I would change the drop off to the farm, and when I didn't not answer my phone, he began to leave his angry, threatening diatribe on my voicemail..... which I saved. Normally, I would have allowed him to drop the kids off at the farm, but they are the ones that wrote the rules in the first place, and yes, I didn't allow the changes he wanted after all was said and done.
Now again, in my real life, things are looking up, I am feeling pretty dang good about myself, then to come home to this, it seems kinda weird.
Yes, after court, my inital response was anger, but hours later, I realized the intelligence of the court ruling, and understood this is where I am supposed to be, I am on the right track. It may not be the right one for everyone, but it is where I am supposed to be.
Thank you all for your opinions, thoughts, and support.
Take care of you, God Bless
Love,
Laughing
Hey, I just wanted to tell you that I think you are incredibly together and amazing in the face of all you deal with and all that you have dealt with lo these many months.
God bless you and your children,
BA
Hooray to you!
This has, no doubt, been an unspeakably difficult road for you.
You have been a bridge to your children's healing.
You have been a great mom. And that is what they will remember. That their mom protected them when it counted. Or at least tried.
Isn't this why many of these MLCers get into this mess to begin with? B/c of abandonment issues with parents? So, you are doing your part to prevent your kids from feeling that.
In time, their R with their father will iron out to something that they may or may not like, one that you may or may not like. But, again, that is your H's loss. Much of this already has been.
HOld your head high and keep looking to the sun!
Beingme
Great observation. I too thought that I was being defensive after posting.
Withdrawing is a part of me as well. It is an area I need to continue working on.
I did realize that I was tough on Laughing. I shared my thoughts of what I believed was happening with her. I did this to offer my take on the situation. It is quite possible that I am way off base. In reading Laughings responses to my post, that is what I'm hearing her say to me.
My thoughts and feeling of what I'm sensing is not always right. There are many things that I was not aware of in terms of her XH making physical threats and other inappropriate behaviors.
With the additional information Laughing has shared, I can totaly understand why she is doing some of the things she is doing. But there are others things that I see differently from my own perspective.
love,
Paul
Laughing
I'm sorry for being defensive in my last post to you. I reacted in my own way of dealing with conflict. Running away.
Whatever I see in others, I realize it is also a part of me. The anger I was sensing, maybe was my own. If I am way off base in what I have said to you, then let it go. if there is anything that resinates within you, than take it for what ever it's worth.
There have been different opinions posted about our dialogue and I'm sure there will be more to come. We all have opinions from our own way of processing information through our filters. Each of us have had different life experiences and therefor have different perceptions of what we are seeing or hearing.
So who's right? I don't know. I'm sure I will continue to have more questions than I will ever have answers. There are times when I thought I was right about something, only to be proven wrong at a later date. Isn't it great being human.
For me, I have come to realize that the problems in my life were self created. I have made choices, and then I had to deal with the consequences. Good or bad, I have had to learn that things don't happen to me without me playing some role in there occurence.
It is my belief that things that are happening in our life are taking place on a spiritual level as much or more than the physical level. Someday's I feel as if I understand life and relationships. Other day's I feel as if I don't have a clue.
Today is one of those day's I'm not sure what I know.
I said things in my posts because it was what I felt from my senses and own life experiences. It was harsh. That is why I asked for permission to share my thoughts first. Maybe if you had a heads up on what I was going to say you might of passed on hearing it. My intentions were not to upset you.
But we can't go back. I do want you to know that I care about you and wish you well. It is not my desire to cause you any further pain than what you have already experienced.
Love,
Paul
Laughing -
While I tend to agree now's not a good time for D to travel with H, I thought the court ruling didn't give you an option? I fear that if you try to thwart the judge's plans by suddenly bringing up D's eating disorder symptoms, it will get turned around on you. Either you will be the crazy lady willing to "fake" D's illness to alienate her from her dad, or they will somehow blame D's ED on you.
I know this whole "parental alienation" stuff seems ludicrous - as if leaving the family, having an affair, and trying to leave your family homeless wouldn't be alienating without any interference from you! But be very careful - it's a real trend in family law, and it can be sticky to get out of. I had a neighbor whose H was abusive and erratic. She finally left him - and after a while the kids didn't want to visit him because of the way he behaved. The older boy was old enough to just refuse to go. The twin girls had to go - and ran away to the police station while visiting him. Somehow, THAT got turned into parental alienation and the courts insisted they go to their visitation and threatened the mom with loss of custody.
So - I guess my message here is, be very careful and very savvy. Get good legal advice before you bring this up at all. And remember, in the long run, the best thing might be for D to GO, be obnoxious and make everybody miserable. That way OW will keep H from ever taking her again.
Ellie
Ellie,
I was planning on just saying D just isn't ready to go.
Yes, I have all this other information, but this information is for me, to help me decide what is right for ME to for my children.
I guess it's just best if I keep my thoughts to myself, which I will from now on in.
Thanks for everything, everyone.... Take care, God Bless
Love,
Laughing
Laughing, Honey - don't think we're beating on you, we're not. You know how hard tone is to convey sometimes in print.
I ABSOLUTELY understand why you don't want D to go with H - I wouldn't either. I'm just worried that you will be playing right into his hands if you don't send her, and hope to help you avoid the worst possible outcome, which is the judge taking custody away from you.
If she goes, she will just have a bad trip - and hopefully ruin everybody elses trip too. If you fight to have her stay with you, you may be giving ammunition to H so that he can make you look like you really are some alienating parent. Don't fall into the trap that is being set for you. Be very, very careful and very, very crafty. Talk to your attorney. I bet they will give you the same advice.
It will be better in the long run for D if she goes and has a rotten time, than if you keep her and they wrest custody away from you. Sucks, I know.
Ellie
PS - if there's anything you don't want to talk about online, feel free to email me elliestough at hotmail.com
Ellie
Oh - and given that weird incident with the tenant and the gun - is there anyplace safe you could stay while the kids are gone?????
I think I watch too much Court TV
Ellie
Laughing,
I'm sorry I haven't had the time to read your whole thread, but I think I have the gist of the grief your xh is throwing your way. First, I don't think you're being defensive in any way, nor overprotective. The things your xh says to your son is pretty nasty and quite honestly I wouldn't want to have your kids spend an extended amount of time with him in CA. OTOH, at least if he were in the same vicinity at the time of the visits, I could understand them being with him. I don't trust the guy's actions especially at such a distance with the kids.
Is there anyway, and forgive me if I've missed this possibly happening in my hasty reading, but is there anyway your kids can speak to the judge about being required to go to CA with your h? There are cases where kids have "ruled" where they go and at 14 and 15 they seem old enough to not be uprooted. Especially with you son and his sports, can't he use that as reasons not to go?
Laughing, I feel for you and all that you've been enduring of late. I wish I had the magic answer, but hopefully your lawyer can figure out the next step.
Laughing,
Just read a few posts. Some very thought-provoking statements were made that had me reflect on my own sitch.
For the record, I think you have remained more level-headed, even-keeled, non-resentful and certainly good-natured through all of this mess XH has caused. You have gone through so much crap and you still keep rising above it, getting stronger.
And, you still remain on this bb to support and encourage those of us who desperately look forward to hearing from you on on our posts.
Bravo, Laughing.
Not too many of us would keep standing through this legal garbage you keep getting thrown your way. You have been a role model for me, Laughing.
So many of you tell me "good job" or "way to go" when it comes to dusting myself off (as Wishing used to say) and getting back on my feet. You have helped me do that.
Take it easy, Laughing. You are a wonderful mom and person who always manages to do the right thing.
In the meantime, be still.
Hugs from NJ.
Keep posting..
love,
Patti
Laughing,
Listen to kml. She is right about the trend in alienation claims and that you need to be very well-informed and careful about this. Do talk to your L. In the meantime I'm also interested to know why the kids can't talk to the judge themselves, though maybe it's as you thought many posts ago -- that the judge is using this as a "test" period and will ask to talk w/ the kids next time. In which case a bad time w/ H might work to your advantage.
Hang in there, babe.
-- Karen
Okay, for those who may be interested:
On the day the kids are to be picked up, xh has SRS (yup, Social Services) do a welfare check on the kids, for he "knows" they are neglected, physically abused, live in a filthy house with too many animals, along with the feces, etc, etc.
The kids are pulled out of the last class of the day individulally, (yup, only a few hours before they are going to be picked up by his wife) escorted to the counselor's office, and introduced to two strangers who tell them they are from SRS.
These two ladies tell them their father called and said he was very concerned about their well being. They were asked if what kind of meals I cook, whether I am at home with them for any length of time, what condition our home is in, if I've hit them, if we fight (my son responded to this one: "I'm 15 years old, I thought it was normal for me to fight with my mother.")
If a dog has pooped in the house, if so, how long would it stay there, (both kids said it's been years, but we've had puppies, and yes, before they are completely house trained a pup would have accidents, but it's cleaned up right away, then they were asked who picked it up, they both said "MOM", but every once in a while one of us will help. SRS had their questions answered, then showed up here to have a look around and left.
Days earlier xh called and said he hadn't heard from the kids in two days, he was going to call the Sheriff if they didn't call him back. This from a man who has gone weeks without giving them a call. Earlier on "Pick up" day, he called and left a message "Make sure you have them there on time!" as if he wasn't an hour late for his drop off the previous Sunday.
Yes, he is making a case to take the children from me... I see this and am aware of the signs. The SRS only further caused both kids to stress out too, as I know this was xh's plan too.
After school there's a little over an hour to get the kids ready. They run through the house to gather the stuff they want to pack, along with their clothes. Soon the time approaces, and we take that now short drive to town. I ask for a civilian escort from the police station and meet xh's wife. S gets out while the wife jumps out to ask if she could help, then backs up back into her car, AS IF, I would say a thing to her.... but the "act" looks good. D starts to say "I don't want to go, I can't go!" I grit my lower jaw and start to pray. S packs his stuff into the van, D is still sitting in the car. The officer comes over and asks if she is supposed to go, I said yes, and then he looks to me to do something and I just look right back at him waiting for his next word.... D says "I don't want to go." He asks her "What did you say?" D replies "I don't want to go." He says "you have to, it's court ordered." He again looks at me, as I sit silently. He asks her "Why don't you want to go?" "I don't want to go, I don't feel comfortable with going with her." "Why", he asks "Because she makes me uncomfortable, I don't feel safe." Then he looked at me, and I said "I'm not going to push her, I'm not going to pull her out, it would be abuse for me to pull her out of there, and the last thing I will do is hurt my daughter." The officer then said to D, "So, you don't want to go." She said "No." then he asked for my license and said he had to file a report. I gave him my license and answered his questions. When he was done, he said, okay, there's no reason for you to stay, so enjoy your evening.
Of course, by morning, xh's attorney called my attorney and told him I sped off with D in the car. I told my attorney that I did nothing of the sort. He said he couldn't protect me, they are going to file for contempt. I said I realize that, but what was I suppose to do? He then told me he wasn't going to keep my case, and I told him to do what he thought he needed to do.
I'm sure the story xh's attorney was a good one, for she has a way of giving xh's statements a supercharge by the time they come across the airwaves. She told my last attorney that she knew I had friends at the police station and the reason she'd be able to discount any report they had issued. But this I just found out recently.... hindsight is a great thing.
The next morning, xh started emailing me, which led to him divulging the reason he sent the SRS after me.... which was due to my involvement with his wife's former MIL, when I gave her his address and phone number. Yup, he actually confesses this in an email!
Also, I know xh's wife used the SRS too, which played out in court just last month, claiming not only physical, but sexual abuse against her xh2, father of her youngest child. It was thrown out... Of course, she is in a different county a couple of hours away.
Anyway, that night, D starts to worry that I will get in trouble, I told her no, not to worry, although she may have to talk to the judge. She said she would, she wanted to.... so then she begins to relax and in a couple of hours, she is hungry, makes a plate of mixed vegies and fruit with yogurt and peanut butter sides, along with a couple of hard boiled eggs, and we both sit and share a quiet dinner. She ate well, then went to be and slept for 12 hours straight.
The next morning, we go to parent teachers conference. The moment the counselor sees D, he sees that she is smiling for the first time in nearly 2 weeks, (his words)and they chat, he seems pleased she looks so good. Each teacher we meet with say basically the same thing to her.
We leave, have a chicken wrap, side salad and drink at McDonalds, do a little shopping and then she asks for an peanut butter cup ice cream, so we stop at Braums. She had a Dr. appt for her sinuses, and that's we head next. She stepped on that scale and I held my breath, she weighed 100 lbs, fully dressed with a hoodie wrapped around her waist.
The Dr. said she looks good, usual KS spring allergies, updated her prescriptions, then quietly asked me about her weight, I said she's had a stressful week, and I'd give him a call on Monday to fill him in, but added she's beginning to do better since last night. He shook his head, told me to keep my chin up and I'm doing a good job.... ya, I wish, I thought.
So, that's it for now, except D is doing better. She has been nibbling all day, with pretty good meals, albeit on the light side, but I can tell she's getting more of what she needs. She's been helping with stuff around here as we make plans for the week.
Take care, God Bless
Love,
Laughing
Laughing,
HUGS, HUGS and HUGS.
This is one of the most suck a*s situations. What is with your children's father? Has he flipped? Why would he be so interested in all of the fuss and aggravation that he is taking his kids , himself and you through? Is it worth that much to him to try to hurt you?
HOW SICK! I am sorry but that it sick. I feel for the kids and you. But, he and his current wife will reap every bit of what they sow,do do not fear that. Okay? Not in our time, but in God's time.
What can you do for yourself to make YOU feel better today?
I am not sure what else to say but I will say this. You are better than this, have nothing to fear.
Laughing
I am so sorry for this latest attack. Your xh is truly a sick man.It sounds like your d is starting to eat again. I am so relieved and the doctor gave her a clean bill of health. I am not sure why your L chose not to represent you anymore. But I guess there are reasons we don't know yet.
I wish I could offer you more than my prayers and support.
Laughing,
I'm very sorry that this has happened. I predicted a while back that he would be going to all lengths for full custody. I had hoped that I would be wrong. The only thing I can tell you is to document each and every communication you have w/him and that wife of his. They are two very vindictive, evil people.
As for the children, they are going to be given an opportunity very soon to say what is on their mind to a judge. I do think the judge wanted to see how all of this would play out and now it has. I suspect that what these two sick people want is to keep all of the money for themselves and the only way to do that is to go for full custody. You see, in your xh's mind, you are spending what money he gives to you on yourself, not on the kids. He doesn't realize what it takes to feed, clothe and educate children these days, nor does he really care. It's all about the money. He's not worried about bonding w/his children, I'm sorry to say. If he were, he would be attempting to make things easier and meet you half way.
As for the SRS, at least it's behind you. Of course, if you were a vindictive person, you could pull the same on him, but I know you aren't. He's using every angle he can to screw you over. Protect yourself and your children. These two individuals concern me deeply for their desire to destroy you is very evident.
I'm glad to read that your daughter is eating and is smiling again. The environment has been very stressful for her. I hope that she can find an outlet for her stress.
What about you? How are you holding up under all of this nonsense? Please find a way to relax a bit. It's going to get worse before it gets better. Remember, document everything.
I hope today is a quiet one for you.
Laughing, I'm sorry that you are going through such horrible ordeals !!! Nobody deserves that....your H and his new wife are HORRID !!!!
I will be thinking of you and praying for you love, take care, you're a great mom !!!
Oh, Laughing,
I don't know what to say. That whole scene w/ your d was so awful. Are you able to get another L?
-- Karen
Thanks everyone... I do appreciate your thoughts.
I just heard from S, who just woke up, and wanted to talk to me before everyone else was awake. He said they all listen to his phone calls, so he won't say anything while anyone else is around, so he'll call me when he can.
He did say it's a huge house, sitting on the golf course, in a large gated community. He said Dad told him it only costs him $50 more a month to live in the house than it did for the 2 bedroom apartment down town. I asked what he thought about this, he said "Dad thinks I'm stupid, if he thinks I believe him."
He said that his Grandfather was doing okay, and tried to drive for a while, but kept trying to get off on all the wrong exits. He said it was a long drive, but as he listened, he realized these people aren't dealing with reality, don't know the truth, or just don't understand what kind of life we had/have.
S was also worried about me, for he heard them put a warrant out for me for parental kidnapping, and wanted to make sure I was still okay. So, that's why xh told his attorney I sped away from the police station. So, IF I were to go to the police station to get the report the officer wrote, I can get arrested for kidnapping, even though the truth is that I sat there until I was told it was okay to go.
I thought I was in between a rock and a hard place before.... I can't even imagine even thinking about doing this to another soul, never mind doing it. Although, IF I can actually get someone to look at the facts as opposed to the "story" xh, his wife and his attorney have written, it will be easy to see the abuse behind what they all have done.
I have called another attorney, as a matter of fact, I called the attorney that (careful this is going to get confusing)xh's wife's, xhs' (yes, the both of them) used in their cases against xh's wife. He did say he would love the case, but it was going to cost me $3,000 for a retainer, which I don't have. Although I do have things around here that I can sell, and hopefully, I can sell them this week in order to hire this man. He's already seen what these two (xh and his wife) can and are willing to do, has seen the games, the lies, and the misrepresentations, so I thought he would be a good place to start.
Well, I don't want to spend too much time on the computer, and spend all my time with D, for this just might be the last Spring Break I have with her.
Take care of you, God Bless
Love,
Laughing
Un-freaking-believable!!!!!!!!!
Thank god he sent that in an email - every bit of hard evidence like that is really important. And hopefully the report that child protective services wrote is so positive that it will be clear to a judge that he's harassing you.
I think that's a brilliant idea to get that attorney - whatever you can do to get him would be worth it, I think.
I'm so glad your daughter is eating - just be really careful to watch and see she's not purging. (My daughter would eat dinner normally, then shower an hour later and throw it all up in the shower). Hopefully, your daughter's weight loss is just due to stress and not a full-fledged eating disorder.
I wish you'd had a video camera at that exchange. At least you will have the police report confirming that she refused to go. Don't know what you're supposed to do in that case.
Please be careful. These two sound like absolute fruitcakes. Don't get arrested - have just been through an awful time getting my brother out of jail on a charge he did not commit, it's a slow and difficult process. If that warrant has been issued, you may need a criminal defense attorney to help.
Ellie
Yes, Ellie,
D is eating, and I haven't caught her going into the bathroom after eating... it is stress related, I know it, and if we can get into a stable place, we could possibly avert more serious cycles. I'm watching for distancing moves, which could be a sign she's moving into a different level of this... I'm not sure if I've accurately described what I'm trying to explain, but I am watching for changes in her patterns, and so far, so good.
Snodderly,
Yes, xh and his wife are vindictive and evil, but I haven't made any aggressive movement towards xh, except to keep him at bay or at distance, or out of my life, as in not accepting his/the kids' Christmas present recently, unless, as he said in his email, my involvement with his wife's xh and mother. All I did was give them his (old) address and phone number to let them know where their kids were going.... so I don't understand the need to destroy me, although he is out to destroy me. He knows the only thing that could destroy me, would be to loose the kids. They may feel that I am the cause of her loosing her kids, so it's only fair that I loose mine.... As we both know, nothing but her own actions, their own actions created the life they have now.... as all the things he has accused me of have been lies, made up events, but then again, they do have to blame someone else, and haven't learned to take responsibility for the events.
I'm going to SRS on Monday with the email, so they can at least put it in their file. I will give them access to my email address so they can verify it's authenticity, then I'm going to the Sheriff's office to voice my complaint, and again a copy of the email to place along with the other Sheriff's report, then ask them to check talk to the police station to see what they actually have for/about me and this visitation.
Yes, the Sheriff department protects the county, and rural residents, the police protect the larger nearby town/county seat... I know this adds to my/the confusion, as I need to get everyone talking to each other to help bring this all together. Then I need to update the counselor, for he is trying to help me keep this all witnessed and dialoged..... oh yeah, then the Drs. office too.... I need a "wife" to help me keep this organized! I'm also going to let them all know when xh brought the SRS and their interview in at the last moment, sent D over the edge, for I had her feeling safe enough to go, but that last ditched effort on his behalf shattered everything I did up until that point.... I feel he knew what he was doing too....
Revenge? Nope, not me, I already see the two of them married to each other revenge enough. Oh, sure, she made it a point to hang her ring finger out the window and wiggle it around, as all I could do was laugh.... I thought, "I know what you are in for, and when you begin to see the signs of it happening to you, you'll look to me to support your claims, it will come around, it always does." The two of them will destroy each other when the time comes, I won't have to lift a finger, but I will enjoy the show.
D and I are looking towards the future, her 8th grade promotion and making plans for things we want to do. It's beautiful out, the sun is shining and it's 75 degrees... we are just enjoying the gifts of today.
Take care of you, God Bless
Love,
Laughing
Revenge? Nope, not me, I already see the two of them married to each other revenge enough.
Amen to that.
I think she will make his life quite a hell - the one he deserves.
Ellie
As you are doing, document, document, document.
You'll find that law enforcement folks don't like being told fibs. Your recent posts remind me why I chose to take a higher road with my x1 for the benefit of DD. It worked. Let them be a reminder to others.
They also remind me why I've distanced and not made any contact with my X2 (just past the third anniversary of no contact, other than forwarding mail) - there is no dealing with nut cases.
Thanks, as usual, for being so open.
Take care.
Ever, Mermaid, Karen, Cinder,
I'm sorry for not posting to you before, it's not that I didn't read your posts, I was really in a hurry to get back with D, along with trying to focus on the things I need to do. Your posts are important to me, but as you probably realize, I am overwhelmed trying to catch all the fallout from this past weekend. You all are very special and your posts have brought much needed support to me.
Ellie,
As I read your post, I thought, dam, their life has all the exterior appearance of perfection, BUT, the internal, or spiritual life they lead, must be hell already. The anger and bitterness they hold on to in order to do the things they do, has to be destroying them from the inside out. Eventually, it wopn't be long before all those "nice" trappings that give the appearance of the good life, are gone too.
Batty,
I'm trying my best to get it all down. The problem with all my documentation wasn't witnessed by the proper authorities..... now, I'm learning, oh, and I forgot the threatening voicemails from last week too, that I have saved. I need to have them given to the proper authorities too. I'm going to keep on going until they are sick of hearing from me. Xh has it looking like I'm the one who is doing all of this, and now, I know how to at least get the documentation to prove it's not me, but getting it heard in court is going to be another story.
Thanks to you all.
D is resting already, she's worried, I can tell, but she is doing her best to be brave. This has been hard on both children. My S is out there, I know he has mixed feelings, although I know that SRS welfare check really got to him, and he's possibly seeing the other side of his Dad, as he begins to understand what I have been dealing with all along. I worry about the conflicts he might be feeling, what he might be thinking. He missed his tractor safety class last weekend, something he had been looking forward to. I wonder if he went quietly so he wouldn't cause me any greater stress... Imagine, waking up early so that you can call home, he feels he can't let his Dad see that he talks to me.... his Father has claimed that I'm the one who is using parental alienation to separate them from him, when I've only tried to foster a good relationship. I pray we can turn this around.
Good night, sweet dreams.... God Bless
Love,
Laughing
Oh my, I've been having some dreams, I awoke with a start, when my sleeping mind finally connected some dots. Oh sure, it may be justification, and I realize this, but trying to draw a conclusion why xh has been so evil, so condeming, why he can't remember or want to remember anything good about me, when he always, always said I was a good parent, even in his longest bouts with his anger, he was always grateful the kids were with me.... Then my mind went back to the article about his motorcycle accident, when he was found without a helmet. I kept thinking he could possibly going through withdrawal from alcohol and even the pain killers couldn't mask enough of the symptoms, then I thought maybe his Drs. are reducing his pain meds on top of it, but then I hit me as I slept, his extreme anger, his inability to recall me as a parent, his complete denial of anything positive I did towards the visitation, could it all be signs of an undiagnosed brain injury?
Just before his accident, he said he'd never marry his girlfriend, he was adamant, as he not only told me, but several of his friends. Sure accidents do cause people to change, but that was something I don't think he would have changed, especially to get married just three days after his Sister's funeral. He's not one to lie about things that can so easily proven to be a lie, for instance, me speeding off with D in the car. There were two officers present who could testify differently, he's too smart for that, these are stupid mistakes, just like the email about the SRS. It's as if he wants to be caught.
Sure, this all could be me trying to put a positive spin on things, BUT, I came to this while sleeping, and usually those ideas that come to me during slumber, are usually the most acurate.
Just a thought, and maybe one possible answer out of thousands.
Well, it's time for me to jump into the shower.
Take care of you, God Bless
Love,
Laughing
((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))
I am so sorry you are going through this.
I am so proud of you for remaining strong and being such a good Mother to your children.
My Dad did some of this stuff to my Mother when my sister and I were kids, but she couldn't handle the stress and gave up custody of me for the sake of peace.
It is something that I have struggled with my whole life.
That is why you impress me so much with your strength, your children will never ever forget the personal sacrifices you have made and are making...
Even when they act like teenagers and are a pain in the arse.
Thank you for always being such a great example.
(((((FAITH))))
Laughing,
You are such an amazing woman with all you have gone thru. I know how terribly it all hurts. I hold my breath every time I read your posts and the new turn of events that never seem to stop.
I just wanted to comment on the "brain injury" thot. My H had that from his 50 foot fall. Bruised brain. Talk about being a wacko. That was a most difficult time for me and the kids. No one could understand why he was acting so outrageously and being so mean when we weren't used to that at all. But at least we knew that it was brain injury. We also knew that he could have the chance of remaining that way for the rest of his life - only time would tell. Many times people end up divorced after such an accident because the personality change is more than one can bear.
10 years have gone by now. My H has mellowed over time - but admits that things are different since the accident......His short term memory isn't worth crap. I'm amazed he does so well on his own because he forgets so easily about things...sometimes even things we've done together during this separation he'll say "really? we did that? Oh, I guess we did, didn't we?"
So I think your questions are well-founded and very possibly the reason why things have gotten so much worse. Unfortunately.....there isn't a darn thing you can do about it. You can't even say anything to him about it. No one will listen to you on this one since no one diagnosed it that you know of. But it truly would explain so much. Just keep doing what you're doing and make sure you keep records of every little thing that transpires - in the end it'll make a difference.
I wish things would change for you. You have been here such a long time and have so uplifting to many of us. I'm sorry, Laughing, for all you have had to go thru. You have many hugs from me.........not that that's much to write home about......but you are truly in my thots and prayers. God bless you richly today.
brue
Laughing-
You may well be right about the brain injury. Not only can it cause mood changes and depression, but up to 30% of traumatic brain injury patients develop deficiencies in one or more pituitary hormones. This has only recently been discovered so most doctors aren't looking for it. (Deficiencies can include loss of thyroid hormones, testosterone deficiency, adrenal hormone deficiencies, or growth hormone deficiency).
Since obviously YOU can't offer this info to him, I wonder if your son could present it to him? There was a good article about it in Scientific American Mind about a year ago.
I wonder if you could subpoena H's medical records if you get into a custody fight with him? Or request that he get a neuropsych evaluation?
Ellie
PS - thanks for reminding me about this. I admit, I had been dwelling a little lately on what a jerk my H has been for the last year, although he seems to have improved since the start of 2007. I keep forgetting that he had yet another mild concussion last spring (total of 3 or 4 in his 40's) and that may have been playing a role in his general poopiness.
Ellie
Hi Laughing
I've just had a quick skim through your thread here.
I don't read too much on this site anymore. I find it too depressing to be honest.
I'm the lucky one in the fact that I'm divorced and I have an injunction to protect me from my violent and abusive h.
I'm sorry that you've been having more trouble from your h. And as usual I have nothing to say/offer other than letting you know that I am thinking of you.
It was interesting reading that your children have to stay with your h. Mine don't. I don't think anything would make them. Now they are older they will stay over night on a special occassion like a birthday. But they like to leave early in the morning.
I don't know about this parent alienation stuff but surely your children are old enough to make up their own minds.
I laughed at kml's last post. Makes me feel very thankful that I'm single.
Take care Laughing. My thoughts are with you and your family. X
Hi Brue,
I haven't seen you around as often, I am glad to see you.
Thanks for the information about your experiences, it may be a part of the answer to what I am seeing from xh. I'm really looking for ways to get things to change. I'm not sure what direction I'm supposed to go, but the answer seems to need some sort of understanding coming from me. He's not going to change, so I need to learn what I need to change to make this better for the children and I. The more I understand, the easier to see the changes I need to make... So, I hope.
Take care of you, God Bless
Love,
Laughing
Ellie,
It could be a portion of the equation before me. I'm just sure what I'm supposed to do with this piece of the puzzle, but I do know that I can't keep this crap up. Called and left a message with SRS, but haven't had a call back.
Called the police, have a case number that corresponds with the Thursday pick up, but they won't give me a copy of the report, that has to be subpoena'd (?sp) and this has me a bit worried, but time will tell. The good news, there's no parental kidnapping or any warrant out for me... so, I feel better.
In order to talk to the Sheriff, I have to call 911, and I just wasn't up to that today.... I just don't like dialing the numbers, but I'll be ready by tomorrow.
Talked to D's doctor, he does want me to bring her back later this week just to check her weight, she is eating better, so he wants to see if we see a change, now that she is relaxed.
D and I went out, had her hair cut and an eyebrow waxing... just a bit of a clean up. She was all smiles with the attention. Kept playing with her hair afterwards.... it doesn't take a whole lot to have a happy girlie.
Did hear from S, he, xh's wife, and her two girls played golf today, no, he hasn't seen the car yet, and there was no mention of his Father..... when he called, they were watching (another) movie. I guess that's just as well, we don't watch a lot of TV around here, why shouldn't he pick a movie (or five) while he's with his father. It seems they are always watching a movie when he/they are with him.
Oh, and for the best news... I passed the RCA... so, hopefully I'll be a rural mail carrier sub soon! I hope to hear something soon.
Have a wonderful evening. Take care, God Bless
Love,
Laughing
Hi Mojo!
Haven't seen you in a while, but, I am glad to hear all is well with you.
My kids had a choice, but it was just two weeks ago xh fought for forced visitation, and of course won. Now, of course there is supposed to be a mediation coming up, but I haven't been notified of a date. If an agreement can't be made, then another hearing, but I'm sure xh will have something to say about what went on this last visitation, so I'll probably be dragged into court again, and they may possibly decide then, or even may decide to give him the children. Who knows for sure now.
I guess you've dodged a bullet by going the way you went. From the sounds of it, you sound quite happy and content, and I am happy for you.
Take care of you, God Bless
Love,
Laughing
Hi Laughing your quote:
'Did hear from S, he, xh's wife, and her two girls played golf today, no, he hasn't seen the car yet, and there was no mention of his Father..... when he called, they were watching (another) movie. I guess that's just as well, we don't watch a lot of TV around here, why shouldn't he pick a movie (or five) while he's with his father. It seems they are always watching a movie when he/they are with him.'
Liz(ExW) and Nic(om)watch a lot of movies, Liz and moi would maybe watch one a month. I believe it's a distraction from real life and helps them to stay in fantasy mode and to stop them thinking of the havoc they've caused.
Love
Delboy
Hi Delboy,
What you say could be very true. I'm just not much of a TV watcher, and the kids are generally too busy with their school work and social life. I just talked to S, he's in KMart waiting for xh's wife and her daughters to finish their shopping. It seems xh is now at work, as the same holds true for yesterday too. Funny, I recall his attorney saying he was working from home, and the children should be with him because he will be home and available to the kids all the time. So much for him spending time with S.
S says he likes the weather, loves watching all the great cars that drive by, knows which one he wants, found one that is not too expensive, and wants it quite bad. He also said the house is really, really nice, and so far, it's a nice place to visit, but it's not home. He says his father is after him to stay, and not return to KS. By the end of the week, I wonder if xh will have him convinced to stay. The other thing he told me was xh's wife's daughter refers to him as her brother, but I didn't get a chance to ask him how he felt about it, because he said he had to go, because "they" were walking towards him.
It's been raining here since midnight, as we have needed the moisture, but it seems we are now in a flood watch, and D and I can't get out, the mud is too heavy, the car not strong enough to pull itself out. Ahhh, I love the sound of the rain anyway.
Take care of you, God Bless
Love,
Laughing
Laughing,
So sorry that you are going through all of this. Take good care.
Ever,
Awe, don't be sorry, there is good reason for me, and the things that are happening, to be here right now. Certainly, I've been happier, certainly, I've lived with a whole lot less stress, but had I been able to make better choices somewhere along the line, I'd be in a different place right now. There is a happier future out there somewhere for me, I just need to know which choice is going to lead me there. Hopefully, the answers will come soon, which will help me make a better choice this next time around.
The Social Worker from SRS says she is here to help me, she is coming out Thursday to talk..... maybe this is where I will find the piece of puzzle I am missing.
Take care of you too... God Bless
Love,
Laughing
Hi Laughing
That's what I mean about the visitation. You're saying that it's forced visitation. I believe that's wrong. I don't believe the children should be forced to visit against their will as they are old enough to decide for themselves.
I suppose I was very lucky here. I didn't apply for an injunction against my h I was just given it. I think it went with his track record of violence particularly against me. The protection was given to me by the courts. I thought long and hard about it and decided that if my h ever hurt me again the courts would just say but we gave you an injunction and you went aganist that and i wouldn't have a leg to stand on (excuse the pun). Having said that I was very happy to take that option. I was reluctant to do so but as I'm my children's sole carer I thought that it was onlt fair to keep myself safe.
Things seem to work very differently in the US. Sometimes it seems for the better and other times not.
Take care
Hi Mojo.....
Oh, I believe it is wrong to force the children into a visitation they don't want also, but it's a new law here and xh took full advantage of it. I'm also going back to court on April 9th to recieve my punishment, as xh's attorney has written in her papers, which I received today. Yup, happy birthday to me! I see the cake by my name too.... how sweet, a reminder.
As for SRS, they do have their demands, thought S's room was too messy, as I must have it cleaned up by Monday. Like I don't have enough on my plate.
Looks like the only way I can get out of this mess, is to move to another state where woman and children actually have rights.
Take care of you, God Bless
Love,
Laughing
As for SRS, they do have their demands, thought S's room was too messy, as I must have it cleaned up by Monday.
How is it that YOU, a busy working mom, should be responsible for the cleanliness of the room of a teenage boy? Isn't that HIS job?
Still -just don't give them ANYTHING to use against you. Get D to help you make that room shine and sparkle.
Also - do you have a very good friend you could get to consult with you and give you an honest opinion? I'm thinking that you should make absolutely sure that your physical appearance for your court dates makes the best possible impression on the judge. I'm thinking of the kind of friend who can tell you things like "you have visible panty lines, that shirt makes you look slutty, that outfit makes you look stern" - whatever. You want to look attractive, motherly, sincere. You want to practice being very very calm as you tell your story.
Ellie
Ellie,
I asked the Social worker if I could wait until S was home, so that the two of us could clean his room... she said no, she wanted it done by Monday. I've cleaned his room, he didn't respect it, didn't keep it clean, started to drag trash into his room just days after I clean it. She was a young person, barely out of college, no experience with raising children, no experience living on a farm, no experience with trying to juggle, jobs, children and their social life, along with having a 30 minute drive no matter what direction.
As for court... I wear very simple clothes, although it would probably do me good to have my hair cut. Being very calm has been my problem, I have been feeling my emotions coming closer to the surface with this case, for it has to do directly with my children. Today I felt my frustrations turning into anger, as I wanted to explain to this social I felt she really wasn't here for MY and the children's best interest.
Xh had so many lies (again) written in his complaint, he even said I refused to allow the Sheriff into the house when he was here checking on S. It wasn't true, S and I were already outside trying to discuss or help him express what was truly bothering him.
I just feel so much pressure, like I've been beatened down, just like xh wants me to... I can see what is going on, but I just can't seem to get anyone else to see the picture. I'm becoming afraid that he will, as he has, overpower the situation once again, and I will loose my children.
It just doesn't make sense to me, how someone who has done nothing buy lie, cheat and steal, be able to come out looking like the saint, while squelching the truth, then projecting his own actions upon me. The truth lies just at the surface, and I can't seem to get anyone to listen.
Oh well, what ever will happen, is meant to be.
Take care of you, God Bless
Love,
Laughing
I find all of this quite shocking to be honest.
There is no way my children would go and stay with their father if they were forced to do it. they would have to be dragged there kicking a screaming. What's going on over there? I find all of this very disturbing.
I'm sorry to hear this news laughing.
Hi Mojo,
First of all, the visitation laws have changed here in KS, xh took advantage of them, went to court, and is now saying I interferred with his visitation, that I've been alienating the children against him, therefore, they have decided they didn't want to see him. He is using this new law to enforce or force the children to visit him in CA or at his wife's house in KS.
Part of what is going on, is xh wants to have custody of the children.... why? Because he wants to keep the money he has been paying for support. He also wants to collect child support from me, which will make up for the lost income of his new wife. It seems the elderly man she had in her care, passed away yesterday, as it seems he has been sick for the past few months, or about the same time xh (and she) has (have) been trying to prove I'm an unfit parent... while also tryiing to gain not only custody of her own children, but also moving them all to CA to live with xh.
The elderly man's health has been kept a secret, not even the children knew of his health. I know they both expressed thoughts of moving him out to CA also, but when her children and their fathers' won in court, it stopped her from moving the man and herself to CA.
Is this why xh seems to be attacking me with a vengence? Could be.... he feels my "involvement" with his wife's exhusbands has something to do with her loosing in court. What he won't do is acknowledge the attorney for the exhusbands only spoke the truth, and they found it without my input, but I think xh doesn't feel this way.
The $3,000/month she earned from "caring" for this man, will hurt their financial situation, so, I think they are looking for easy ways of reducing their bills/responsibilities.
As for the court situation, well, xh's attorney is very good, charges top dollar, is a small town hero, because she grew up here and was able to make a name for herself too. As for my input, I don't know my way around court as well as xh, I don't know how to tell the ridiculous lies he is able to, along with making them sound real..... plus, he always has a witness, either his father or the last year of so, his wife goes to court with xh, while I arrive alone, which I believe hurts my case.
I don't know, it just seems to me, money and power have more pull than the truth in court. I need to change the way I do things, I need to change my way of thinking and I need to do better.
Well, back to the laundry for me. Take care, God Bless
Love,
Laughing
Just to take your mind off of things for a moment - these are oldies but goodies, you can't watch funny cats without laughing:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B_POuAuoBWYhttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_cCdoXIlKMwEllie
Thank you Elle,
A good laugh is always welcomed.
I spoke with S just a little while ago. It seems with xh at the helm, they start driving early in the morning, they are already in New Mexico, after leaving the house at 6:00am yesterday morning.
I wonder how he'll explain driving the chiildren home with his restricted license? I'm sure xh will come up with something.
It seems xh has been filling S with his (xh's) rendition of what is going on around here. Told S the same stories he has been telling SRS and the Sheriff's department. S said to me, "He hates you Mom, but for things you haven't done, he hates you, but has no real reason to be this way." I told S that I thought he was very smart, that I'm glad he is able to hold on to his own memories of what has happened. I know sometimes in these situations I've become confused about what I thought I was real, what I remembered and what the truth really is, and I hope he continues to be able to hold on to his own truth.
I know now, the only thing I can do now, is to have both children speak to the Judge, and maybe then, at least parts of the truth can come out.
Well, back to my day, already in progress.
Take care of you, God Bless
Love,
Laughing