I am opening this topic of discussion for the good of all on this board. Man, has this forum been crazy lately!
I see alot of confusion about what is right and what is wrong. I presume that all on this board are primarily interested in restoring their marriages. Unfortunately, I see alot of posts on this board that are sending a different message loud and clear.
The biggest issue seems to be finding the truth about affairs.It seems that many of us are hung up on this issue. We must know the truth and we need it now. Unfortunately, efforts to finding the truth tend to exacerbate strain on an already damaged relationship. I speak from the position of experience. My spying, prying, questioning and paying to have tele #'s traced brought me and my wife great pain. It almost ended my already strained marriage.
I chose to give up my search for me. I could not handle the pain it caused and I realized that it was counterproductive to my primary mission which was restore my marriage. If trust is to be restored, someone needs to make the first move. Let it be us.
I still am not sure about my W's adventures and wether or not she had a PA. However, I no longer dwell on this issue. I figure she will tell me if and when she is ready. How can I say this? How can I let it drop? Simple, I chose to forgive, if in fact it ever actually happened.
I have also seen a number of discussions about removal of wedding rings. I know this is a sensitive topic for some. This is my view.
The wedding band has deep emotional meaning. It is the visible sign post of our committment to another human being. It is displayed for all to see, so that they know of your committment. So if you are married, why would you consider taking it off? What kind of message does this send to your spouse during a time of great confusion and distress. The signal that it sends to me is that I have given up and I am no longer committed. If this is true, great. However, don't think the action of removing the ring will help restore your marriage. To continue wearing the wedding band during one of the most terrible times in our life is a sign of strength in our committment and vows. It shows that we are the "port in the storm".
Again, Our actions speak louder than words. Much louder. Our actions have credibility when our words often go unheard. I urge others to comment and add to this thread. I think it can be a learning experience for all of us.
Kent