Act III (3)

[Sunflyer]

Previous thread:

https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2946094&page=10

I've titled this Act III. It's my third thread, and if my life were a movie or a play, I feel like it's now moving into its third act.

Act one was my life before meeting W. Lots of youthful discovery and excitement. Feeling the need for a companion as I matured.

Act two was my life with W. From when I met her until now, with the end of our marriage looming. Twenty-six years, mostly very good as far as I'm concerned. (Perhaps she would disagree, although she left behind many indications otherwise).

In the third act, there's uncertainty but also a lot of possibility. I am trying to navigate the uncertainty while embracing the possibility.

I remember the words of the wise philosopher Kermit the Frog, who said, "Life's like a movie; write your own ending." I'm determined to make that ending as good as I can make it.

[DnJ]

Good Morning SF

Yes, the future is unknown and unwritten. It’s full of possibilities.

Write more than a great ending, write a great present. Each moment from now to that faraway ending. Ah, Kermit. A wise sage indeed.

Have a great day.

D

[Sunflyer]

W got a dog. That would have been a better choice than an AP if she was lonely, IMO.

I have nothing against animals and had pets as a child and teenager but as my life got busier, they were not something I wanted to prioritize time and resources for. Not devoting the necessary time and care to an animal is tantamount to abusing it, as I see it. W likes dogs (her family members have had many), but early in our marriage she seemed to go along with the idea that they would be too much time given our busy lifestyle.

In recent years, she suggested an animal might be good for our younger son, who does well with them (and suffers from ADHD).

Now that I am soon to be out of the picture, she claims she has wanted a dog for "practically our entire marriage."

I guess this is more rewriting history and more remaking her entire life to be anything like it was with me.

The dog has been amazingly quiet and friendly. She seems to like me. When I am around, W says to the dog, "Say hi to Daddy," as if I were going to be around a lot longer to get used to being called her Daddy.

[SteveLW]

SF, good to see you. Last time I stopped by you seemed to be doing great.

But I must caution you. You're reading things into stuff that may or may not be true. Remember, one day at a time. The minute you get caught up in the "oh she's calling me Daddy to the dog" you'll start to regress. As sandi used to always say "stay vigilant and do not give up your hard earned progress".

[Sunflyer]

Well, not much to say here but figured I'd post that I've confirmed that W's OM is actually OM2 (at least).

Had a sneaking suspicion about a year ago that there was something between her and S18's former track coach. I now know that there was.

Finding out about the previous one really dragged me through the emotional mud.

This one, my attitude is, "Whatever."

[DnJ]

Good Morning SF

I’m glad you are much better with this news than the last time. Indifference. That numbness, the muting of W’s shenanigans is kind of peaceful.

Against that void/numbness other feelings will seem larger than they are. And indifference does unwind. Just something to be mindful of.

Keep moving forward my friend.

Got your Christmas shopping done yet? I finished yesterday. Boy, the stores were busy.

D

[Sunflyer]

Good Morning SF

I’m glad you are much better with this news than the last time. Indifference. That numbness, the muting of W’s shenanigans is kind of peaceful.

Against that void/numbness other feelings will seem larger than they are. And indifference does unwind. Just something to be mindful of.

Keep moving forward my friend.

Got your Christmas shopping done yet? I finished yesterday. Boy, the stores were busy.

D

Hello D and good to hear from you as always.

I am a bit stuck on a gift for S14. Trying to get more information from him. He asked for a MacBook, which is a tall order. I think he wants one because S18 got one for use at college. S14 has a school-issued Chromebook, which at this point in his life is really all he needs. For him, any electronic device turns into a video game device; he'd probably load up the laptop with those rather than use it for typical "computing" activities.

[SteveLW]

SF, so you found out about OM#1. What did it change? Your situation is your situation. And tl revelations about they past do not change that.

[Sunflyer]

SF, so you found out about OM#1. What did it change? Your situation is your situation. And tl revelations about they past do not change that.

Obviously, in terms of my goals and moving forward, it changes nothing at all.

It may have, however, strengthened my feeling that I will be better off out of this marriage than in it.

I might feel more like a WAS at the moment than a LBS.

[Pattnee5]

Oh how the tables are turning x this is awesome Sunflyer to get into a position where you are the one feeling like the WAS not the LBS now. This truly is awesome. And even better that you can see what’s good for you and your values and morals

[SteveLW]

SF, so you found out about OM#1. What did it change? Your situation is your situation. And tl revelations about they past do not change that.

Obviously, in terms of my goals and moving forward, it changes nothing at all.

It may have, however, strengthened my feeling that I will be better off out of this marriage than in it.

I might feel more like a WAS at the moment than a LBS.

SF, this is very fair and completely within your rights. I am anti-divorce except in two cases: when there is toxic behavior (physical aggression or substance abuse) or for infidelity. As I am fond of telling any LBS, at anytime it is your right to decide YOU want a divorce and to go file yourself.

Keep us up-to-date.

[Sunflyer]

Oh how the tables are turning x this is awesome Sunflyer to get into a position where you are the one feeling like the WAS not the LBS now. This truly is awesome. And even better that you can see what’s good for you and your values and morals

Thanks Pattnee. Feel like I'm getting closer to completely dropping that rope. Her behavior is a complete mess. While I know and accept my failings in the marriage, there is no justifying her off the rails abandonment of the values I thought we both shared. This is not the woman I thought I married.

[Sunflyer]

SF, this is very fair and completely within your rights. I am anti-divorce except in two cases: when there is toxic behavior (physical aggression or substance abuse) or for infidelity. As I am fond of telling any LBS, at anytime it is your right to decide YOU want a divorce and to go file yourself.

Keep us up-to-date.

Steve,

A quick summary since I know you won't have time to go through 200+ posts:

1.) She already filed, back in June. From the beginning, I have been realistic about my chances at saving this marriage, as she is a very decisive and stubborn woman. (I can be stubborn too, though for different reasons).

2.) BD was in May. Had two discussions, initiated by her, regarding D. She would not remotely consider working to repair the marriage. As I said, I figured chances were slim, but in retrospect, she was likely involved with OM1 (our son's coach) at the time and this would cement her resistance.

3.) Relationship with coach did not last long, as she was on to OM2 (current one) by September.

4.) Status of D is that I filed my financial statement in October; my L came back soon after and asked for more documents. I have been trying to put these together, although work and other aspects of life have delayed completion of this. I am motivated at this point to get this part done.

5.) Have not heard anything from her L regarding how much of her own paperwork has been submitted. Figured if she was done, perhaps her L would kickstart things by sending over a proposal, but crickets.

[Sunflyer]

Well, a shoe has dropped. My regular disappearances to GAL finally resulted in W asking me if I am seeing someone. I gave nothing up. Wonder if she was genuinely curious or just looking to drop the bomb about her AP.

I felt like giving a sarcastic reply like, “You finally figured that out?”

[DnJ]

Good Morning Sun

Glad you remained calm and even keeled. The sarcasm would feel good for only a short time, and would be counterproductive overall.

Wonder if she was genuinely curious or just looking to drop the bomb about her AP.

Likely a mixture of many things. Temp checking, trying to get a rise out of you, start a fight, stir up justifications for her choices, deflect her feelings, curiosity, attempted ice breaking, she’s noticing you and your life/happiness, etc.

Nice DBing. Remaining calm and rational. Not taking any bait. Well done!

How was Christmas? Kids and you get any cool gifts from Santa?

D

[Sunflyer]

Good Morning Sun

Glad you remained calm and even keeled. The sarcasm would feel good for only a short time, and would be counterproductive overall.

Yes, in the end I'm glad I held my tongue. She had been talking about finances, dividing assets, etc., and the question came out of left field. Didn't expect it at all.

I guess I'd like to impress on any newbies who might be reading this that, if they're wondering, "Do they actually notice the changes?" Clearly they do, even if they don't mention that they do. But being consistent and not trying to win the spouse back are key. I want to take this as a positive that I'm making progress on shedding the skin that was Sunflyer 1.0. There's no going back from here.

How was Christmas? Kids and you get any cool gifts from Santa?

D

Holidays were pretty good all things considered. Whenever W and sons were with W's family, I was out. Spent Christmas morning with W and sons. W made her usual large Christmas breakfast but was rather reserved and quiet when I and one of our sons showed up in the living room.

Gifts. My older son gave me a $100 Amazon gift card. He buys gifts out of his own bank account, which impresses me. W got me a few things (I wasn't really expecting anything): gloves, a couple of shirts, a gift card, some candy. I did buy her a couple of gift cards and signed them from the boys. My sister gave me cash, a couple of more shirts, and an overnight bag for future short trips. I was with her for Christmas dinner; she made Cornish game hens.

Can't really complain about how things went. A nice respite from a difficult year.

[MrP]

Hey SF. It sounds like a good end to 2023 and a beginning to 2024. I like what you said above about 1) not trying to win back your spouse and 2) being consistent. I agree with DnJ that her questions about whether or not you were seeing someone were likely driven by several things. Glad you didn't take the bait. I wish you the best 2024 possible.

[Sunflyer]

Just a short update.

Sent some more documents to L. As it turns out, W's lawyer informed her that she completed her financial statement incorrectly. She says she will correct it and have info forwarded to me. Waiting.
So the wheels continue to spin in the mud. Seven months since she filed and my L still has no proposal from her.

Meanwhile, I am getting out every week: to see my sister, going out to eat, finding ways to spend time. I am planning on reconnecting with a volunteer group I used to work with, and an old friend has suggested I come visit for a weekend when the weather gets warmer.

W has fallen into a routine of disappearing one day each weekend for long hours, no doubt with OM. So I do the same (although I don't stay out as late as she does). Based on her reactions, it seems that her speculation that I'm with another woman is growing.

I just say what she does: "I have plans" or "I'm going out" and off I go. I offer no details since she doesn't either.

Bottom line, this DB stuff WORKS. And I am not referring to any hope of getting her back, although her behavioral response is just like MWD describes in the DR book. It is beyond liberating to do what you want, not feel any guilt about it, and take a modicum of control over your life. Last night I watched an old movie from my vast collection of movies. (W used to complain that I spent too much time doing stuff like this, despite the fact that I was lucky to watch one or two movies a week, or none). Now after dinner, if I feel like it, I just go downstairs, put the movie on, and let my mind escape. Bliss.

[DnJ]

Good Morning Sun

Wonderful update!

Bottom line, this DB stuff WORKS. And I am not referring to any hope of getting her back, although her behavioral response is just like MWD describes in the DR book.

Good stuff.

It is beyond liberating to do what you want, not feel any guilt about it, and take a modicum of control over your life.

YES!

Perfect!

Keep it up. Keep building upon that.

I'm making progress on shedding the skin that was Sunflyer 1.0. There's no going back from here.

Yes, the golden opportunity within all this. From such destruction, we put ourselves back together. And in that process, we have the opportunity to examine our pieces, to really examine our self. We strengthen some, alter some, and discard some. Even craft some new and “aspired to be” pieces as well.

Continue moving forward.

Walk in the light.

D

[Sunflyer]

Had something of a rough night last night.

My sister's birthday is tomorrow (Monday), and so I planned to take her out to dinner today (Sunday) and having S14 come with us. I texted S14 the day before while he was out to inform him of the dinner plans.

I went out yesterday and when I returned, W said, "As soon as you get settled, I need to talk to you." She began by explaining that S14 had spoken to her about the birthday dinner and was not pleased that W wouldn't be there. (W basically excluded herself because my sister hasn't been on speaking terms with her since the summer). W said that S14 was harboring resentment toward me believing I was "excluding" W.

I told her that I would speak to him and convey that if something came up that concerned my family, I would prefer that he speak to me directly about it and that I'd rather not hear it second hand.

She also indicated that he doesn't like that I turn my phone tracking off when I go out. I haven't shared my location with her in months; I do share with the boys as does she. I never ask them where she goes (I know anyway lol); to be frank I don't trust her not to snoop and it really is not her business where I go. Not sure how to solve this. (No, I don't have an AP).

She then moved the conversation into some of my negative behavior and how it had made her feel devalued, ignored, and like she was not enough for me. Her comments did have validity, and I mostly listened and said little. I think it irritated her that I wouldn't respond to her probing. I did attempt one validating statement: "I'm very sorry that you feel that way." Her response was, "Well, it's nice of you to tell me that NOW," as in angry and not grateful to hear it.

I admit it was difficult to be lectured to about my faults while she knows that she is in her second affair in a year. I am not sure why she feels she is morally superior, but it's clear she does. "I want you to be happy. This advice will help you in your next relationship. Most women won't put up with this," she said.

I was sorely tempted to call her out but did not.

She piled on the guilt very heavily. "You made me feel really bad about myself." Of course, there are those here who would say I couldn't make her feel anything. The superpower nobody has. Indeed, there were times I tried to make her feel better about herself, but it didn't work. So I could make her feel bad but not the opposite?

For the first time in a long while, I had difficulty sleeping last night.

I spoke to S14 today in an attempt to clear the air and told him that I would like to hear issues related to me or my family first hand, not from W although I had no problem with him talking to her. He seemed to be okay with this, went out to dinner with us, and then I took him shopping afterward.

[Boat14]

Why do you care that she’s upset about the tracker?

Never use “I am sorry I made you feel that way”. You can’t be responsible for how she feels. Use something like “ I understand that’s how you feel”.

Don’t think a second about her moral high ground and your mistakes. She’s a whore and you’re working on your side of the street. That’s all you can do.

[MrP]

She also indicated that he doesn't like that I turn my phone tracking off when I go out. I haven't shared my location with her in months; I do share with the boys as does she. I never ask them where she goes (I know anyway lol); to be frank I don't trust her not to snoop and it really is not her business where I go. Not sure how to solve this. (No, I don't have an AP).

My immediate reaction was to think of two options:

1. Tell me more about why I should share my location with more than the boys? (Get curious) OR
2. I don't see a need to share my location given the impending D.

She then moved the conversation into some of my negative behavior and how it had made her feel devalued, ignored, and like she was not enough for me. Her comments did have validity, and I mostly listened and said little. I think it irritated her that I wouldn't respond to her probing. I did attempt one validating statement: "I'm very sorry that you feel that way." Her response was, "Well, it's nice of you to tell me that NOW," as in angry and not grateful to hear it.

I'm not a huge fan of this specific type of validating statement because to me it sounds like apologizing for how someone else feels. I see it pop up in some sample lists of validation statements and wince. My suggestion is something like "I hear you. It is unfortunate it felt that way". I also guess I wonder what the point is in engaging in some of this marital unpacking now, even with her couching it as "advice for future relationships".

I admit it was difficult to be lectured to about my faults while she knows that she is in her second affair in a year. I am not sure why she feels she is morally superior, but it's clear she does. "I want you to be happy. This advice will help you in your next relationship. Most women won't put up with this," she said.

Reckless speculation on my part but often when affairs are involved, I understand the "offending" partner can deal with a fair amount of guilt and/or shame. I could see it manifesting as her trying to justify her behavior by looking for ways you "made" her do it. I doubt she feels morally superior.

I was sorely tempted to call her out but did not.

I'm glad you did not. What purpose would it serve? No point poking the bear at this point. Depending how you feel about it, you may say something like "I'm doing a lot to continuously improve myself for me, our son, and any future partners. I hope I can similarly well-intended feedback at some point". Of course you could leave that last part out so it doesn't seem like tit for tat. You could also say something like, "Going forward, if I'm looking for feedback, I'll ask for it" if you want to shut this down because you don't feel like it adds value for you.

She piled on the guilt very heavily. "You made me feel really bad about myself." Of course, there are those here who would say I couldn't make her feel anything. The superpower nobody has. Indeed, there were times I tried to make her feel better about herself, but it didn't work. So I could make her feel bad but not the opposite?

Well put. Our MC told W at one point that "Nobody has power over you unless you give it away". Perhaps your feedback could be, "I hope that going forward we'll both be able to acknowledge our contributions to relationship challenges and be committed to finding solutions with our partners that enhance relationships". Or, you just continue to roll with these conversations and ride them out with validating statements and/or curiosity.

It stinks to be on the receiving end of these conversations. We know we've had better times with our Ws. At this point, negative sentiment override has taken over that we can only influence through work on ourselves. Show, not tell, how much better of a person we are and continue working to be. From where I'm sitting Sun, you're doing as well as possible. You could cut them off by saying you're uncertain that they're productive and would like to discontinue revisiting the "bad times". You can ask for feedback if/when you want it, rather than receiving it unsolicited if you'd prefer not to.

I hope you'll get a better night's rest, Sun. Again, from what you described you did great.

[Sunflyer]

My immediate reaction was to think of two options:

1. Tell me more about why I should share my location with more than the boys? (Get curious) OR
2. I don't see a need to share my location given the impending D.

Thanks Boat and MrP for the valued comments.

I think I was a little unclear about this.

I don't share my location with W and haven't for months. I do share it with my sons, but by doing that W can look at their phones and still track me.

So when I go out for a few hours, I just turn it off entirely to have complete privacy. But when I do that, my younger son complains to W that he can't see where I am and he doesn't like that. (They get notifications on their phones telling them that I've turned it off).

When I hear these complaints through her, she always says, "This is coming from your son. I don't care where you go and have no intention of invading your privacy" or some such remark.

[Sunflyer]

It's my sister's birthday today. She forwarded me a couple of texts.

She got a birthday wish from W. What she also got was a text mistakenly forwarded to her from W in which W was telling someone (probably her mother) how much it "killed" her to wish my sister a happy birthday.

W quickly followed up with an apology and how it bothers her that she doesn't have a relationship with my sister anymore.

I say this is a bunch of BS.

I say she is trying to cover up for accidentally revealing her true colors in the first text.

She has been obsessed and PO'd with my sister since the summer; my sister stopped speaking to her when she refused to work with me on improving our marriage.

Her family (except for her mother's sister) has cut my sister and I off entirely as well, which doesn't seem to bother W at all. (Frankly, I've found it great not to have her family living in my head anymore. I rarely think about them except when stuff like this happens). Her mother's sister (they're twins) has remained gracious to me and my sister and continues to send greetings on special occasions.

In divorce, people side with their blood probably 95% of the time. IMO, W should know that.

In addition to "Why won't she talk to me?" regarding my sister, I've also gotten the "I hope we can remain friends" spiel directed at me. Not sure why she cares about whether I'm her friend or not. I can be civil to her, and polite, and will have to be for the sake of our sons. But friends? Not sure I can handle that with someone that decided to burn my family to the ground.

I guess she may be having trouble handling the fact that she made a decision that has consequences?

[Boat14]

In addition to "Why won't she talk to me?" regarding my sister, I've also gotten the "I hope we can remain friends" spiel directed at me. Not sure why she cares about whether I'm her friend or not. I can be civil to her, and polite, and will have to be for the sake of our sons. But friends? Not sure I can handle that with someone that decided to burn my family to the ground.

When they say I hope we can be friends they mean let's be civil and polite for the sake of our sons.

I guess she may be having trouble handling the fact that she made a decision that has consequences?

All decisions have consequences that I am sure she has laid out 100s of times. Remember she has most likely been planning this for years.

It will likely be many, many years before she sees all the consequences paly themselves out.

[Kind18]

I guess she may be having trouble handling the fact that she made a decision that has consequences?

Accountability is a walkaway/wayward wife’s kryptonite.

They will do anything and everything in their power to change narratives and control people’s opinion of them.

Don’t waste your time thinking about it. It’s very simple - she made comments behind your sister’s back, but accidentally sent them to the wrong person. End of discussion. It is what it is.

It will likely be many, many years before she sees all the consequences paly themselves out.

Even if she does realise the consequences in 5-10 years, she will still never admit it. To hold out for that or think you’re going to get some sort of closure or vindication from it is a fool’s errand.

[Sunflyer]

Even if she does realise the consequences in 5-10 years, she will still never admit it. To hold out for that or think you’re going to get some sort of closure or vindication from it is a fool’s errand.

I agree; I'm certainly not expecting her to say, "I didn't make the best of decisions and could have handled this differently."

She dumped me, my sister is angry that she did and wants no part of her, end of story. She should just let it go and stop with the "I regret that we don't talk anymore" spiel.

[DnJ]

Good Morning Sun

She also indicated that he doesn't like that I turn my phone tracking off when I go out. I haven't shared my location with her in months; I do share with the boys as does she. I never ask them where she goes (I know anyway lol); to be frank I don't trust her not to snoop and it really is not her business where I go. Not sure how to solve this. (No, I don't have an AP).

I don't share my location with W and haven't for months. I do share it with my sons, but by doing that W can look at their phones and still track me.

So when I go out for a few hours, I just turn it off entirely to have complete privacy. But when I do that, my younger son complains to W that he can't see where I am and he doesn't like that. (They get notifications on their phones telling them that I've turned it off).

“Not sure how to solve this.”

Sometimes situations do not have a solution, more a resolution. You may not be able to solve this, you can resolve it though.

First off, if you noticed I called this a situation, not a problem. Problems require solutions. We are pretty much problem solvers and fixers around here, so defining this as a situation will lower that “need” to fix it.

How to resolve? Short answer leave the tracking on.

You share your location with the kids. I do as well.

It sounds like you are ok with son knowing your whereabouts. I’m surmising that if W was not involved in any way, your want/need for complete privacy would be a non-issue. So, make it so. Make it a non-issue.

You cannot control W. If she looks at son’s phone and sees your location, you cannot control that. And in fact, you are doing extra stuff/steps that actually dissuade from what you’d likely do - letting kids know your whereabouts, letting them feel safe and secure. (I once forgot to let my daughter know I was going to be home late from work, and she was panicked. She already lost one parent, and she doesn’t need to feel the loss of another. I never forgot again after that conversation.)

So what if W sees where you are. Who cares? She could hire a PI, or ask questions, or follow you around, or whatever if she really wanted to. Such an obsession would be consuming. (My XW actually stalked our daughter. Followed her after school, and after work. Dear old Mom even freaked out one day and confronted daughter in school, in front of her classmates, about her after school whereabouts. XW was (is?) pretty far in the weeds. Really lost the plot.)

Make this a non-issue. Do not let W live in your head rent-free.

I admit it was difficult to be lectured to about my faults while she knows that she is in her second affair in a year. I am not sure why she feels she is morally superior, but it's clear she does. "I want you to be happy. This advice will help you in your next relationship. Most women won't put up with this," she said.

Oh my! Pure script. That comes right out of her narrative.

My XW also lectured me. And offered to help me become a better man, that maybe I might find a relationship. I’d never find true love like she had though. But, she could help me get a bit better.

LOL! Advice from her!

Yep, they feel soooo great about themselves. And, they hardly ever write themselves as the villain in their own life’s story. Blame and projection are the tools of trade in that.

What about us? The LBS?

We grow and heal. We look inward. We find acceptance and forgiveness. We become.

Oddly, and counterintuitively, XW did help me become a better man.

It’s quite a journey.

D

[Sunflyer]

Well, I hit a pothole this past weekend.

I posted a little while back about keeping my phone tracking off while I am out GALing. I don't share my phone location with W, but I do with my son, and I was concerned about her using him to pry into what I am doing. (I am not dating, not seeing anyone else). W claims that it creates anxiety in our son if he can't know where I am when I am out.

Based on advice, I decided to turn the tracking on and keep it on.

It only took two weeks of this before it blew up.

Saturday, I had planned a nice night out for myself (dinner followed by an audience participation improv session. I have never tried improv before, but it looks like fun). I went out to eat first, and upon leaving the restaurant, sure enough there's W's car parked two rows behind mine in the lot. I walked past it and saw her head peeking out from under the dashboard. I walked back toward the restaurant and called my family confidant to tell her that W was following me.

W confronted me outside while I was still on the phone, convinced that I was talking to some woman that I must be involved with. I ended the conversation quickly, and she proceeded to tell me that I should tell her "in the name of honesty" if I was going to meet someone. Yes, the woman who has had two APs in the last year and has volunteered no information about them, who has had one of them (at least) in our house while I was at work, who has introduced her whole family and our sons to the current one behind my back, is suggesting that I am not being honest enough. The woman who has said that she doesn't care about where I am, now uses our son's phone to get the location and then drives there to confront me.

I didn't get into a fight, but I didn't tell her what my plans were either. I do not feel accountable to her in this regard.

I am thoroughly expecting that W will probably have me tailed by a PI next.

I did go on with the rest of my evening. I enjoyed it as best I could, but kept thinking about this crap the whole time.

I spoke to son the next day. He asked me if I was dating someone and said, "Dad, I just want you to be happy." I told him that for now, my private time is my own, and I asked him to respect that. I also have asked him to come to me directly if he has issues he wants to talk about.

Predictably, on Monday W came to me (either son told her about what I said or she pried him for the info) and continued to argue that anything that prevents me from being open about where I am is "causing him (son) harm and fueling his anxiety." She also tried to justify her following me on Saturday by pointing out that I had tracked her location one day last fall. (This is true and would have been when her current relationship was first heating up. She was coming home later than usual and hadn't told me that she would. Her phone tracking showed her at unusual places for lengthy periods of time. A day or two later, she cut off sharing her phone location with me entirely, and I did the same).

I honestly think that if my son needs to contact me, text or call should be sufficient. Having him track my exact location is just going to perpetuate this behavior from W, which I found highly upsetting, bordering on disturbing.

[Boat14]

I spoke to son the next day. He asked me if I was dating someone and said, "Dad, I just want you to be happy." I told him that for now, my private time is my own, and I asked him to respect that. I also have asked him to come to me directly if he has issues he wants to talk about.

I am curious on why you didn't tell him the truth? Seems to me like a teachable moment to set an example "son I am currently still married to your mother and not interested in dating anyone".

Think you may be reading way to much into her interest. She just wants you to be doing the same as her so she isn't painted as the bad guy.

[Kind18]

1. Turn the tracking off.

2. Your son:

- tell your son that there’s no-one else in your life because you’re married, but you have to turn off tracking because his Mum is using it to stalk you.

- tell him that you understand he likes to know where you are and that if he’s worried he can text you anytime and you’ll always answer. Tell him his phone is for him and for him alone.

3. Your wife:

- she cheated. Twice. And now she’s stalking you. Document everything that happened in a statement. Sign it with a lawyer or police officer as witness.

- tell her NOTHING. Don’t engage whatsoever with her. DEFINITELY don’t tell her there’s no-one else, let her sweat on it.

- she’s desperately anchor checking. Don’t give her a green light to continue doing what she’s doing by affirming you’re going to wait for her. Nothing. Zip. Zilch. Nada.

4. There’s no doubt that if you were doing this to her, she’d be claiming you’re abusive/controlling and taking out an AVO. I’d seriously consider getting your lawyer to write to her about it.