https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2894133&page=1There’s the link to part 3 of my story. I figured now is a good time to switch up my thread title. I think it suits and fits best with my current sitch
Back round info. Been with the W over 16 years. Found out March 6th she was 3 months deep into a PA. She moved out the same day. Claimed I was abusive towards her to all our friends and family. Was able to get that sorted out and prove it wasn’t true.
Found out slowly over time my W was physically and emotionally abusive towards my kids. Unfortunately my head knew it and my heart refused it at first. But I’ve dug myself out of that river of denial as well.
Just living life the best I can. I’ve filed for full custody, but not divorce for now. As far as I know she hadn’t either.
I still have my bad moments during the day where my heart aches for her or what we had. But I’m much better at controlling the thought emotions and actions that happen when it does ache and everyday it gets better. I have my head on straight and hoping/working towards a happier future.
Journaling,
Today my anxiety is bad. Not like it was a month ago but the worst it’s been in a bit. I was doing very well at keeping focused on “today” and not worrying about tomorrow. But I keep wondering what the future holds. Will she show up at my house? Will she start calling all the time? What’s real? What’s fake? Since I didn’t hear from her yesterday will that finally be the last I do hear from her?
Oh well. Today is going to be a self care day I do believe.
Since I didn’t hear from her yesterday will that finally be the last I do hear from her?
You're likely to hear from her again.
She loved you once. At some point that stopped, she demonized you, betrayed you, and abused your children.
Sandi hit the nail on the head that her recent attempt to reach out was almost certainly fueled by the stress of losing her friends, her children, and those CPS charges. She doesn't need a get-out-of-jail-free card, she needs serious help. It'll be real when you see her taking consistent actions towards becoming well and whole again. I don't believe I'm overstepping when I say her mental health is low if she's abusing kids and trying to construct and maintain multiple inconsistent false narratives about her life.
CW you actually had me laughing. Absolutely not over stepping. And yes her mental health is messed up for lack of a better word.
I know all that, I really do. The anxiety is making me “think what if?” If that makes sense. I know I’ll hear from her again. And it probably won’t anything I need to respond too. I know she’s not genuine. Just one of those mornings where I missed her. I got some bad news today and she was always the first person I’d go to share it with. And obviously I can’t and won’t do that. So basically that started my mini spiral. Don’t have a lot going on today to distract myself with. Kids had some school work to do from yesterday and today so that took longer than normal so all I had to do today was sit around and wait. And I hate talking to my friends about everything because I don’t wanna wear them out.
I’m ok honestly. I’m not going into fantasy land about this like I was. Just a bad half a day. Hoping to make this evening and night better.
Looking for thoughts and advice.
So today my girls decided after dinner they wanted a caramel latte from Dunkin Donuts, and D15 wanted to take one to a friend. No problem let’s go. Well in the car they started talking about their mom. Even D15. They started asking if I thought she’d ever be serious about wanting to come back. If I’d take her back. And than the conditions started. What if she got help. What if she really was serious about getting help and did everything would I take her back than? And they asked me to wait to file, actually they asked that I never file for divorce and let her do it.
Now first off I get it. It’s their mom, they are starting to miss her. I don’t mind talking about her. But the chances of any of this imo is so remote it’s not worth it. But at the same time just because they miss her doesn’t make it right to allow her in their lives. They’re kids and it’s my job to protect them even if they don’t like it or understand it completely.
But my question to you guys is this...I know abuse isn’t a common occurrence in most sitchs. My sitch isn’t brand spanking new but still I’ve only known for 2 and a half months and the affair is 5 and a half months old. How often do partners who have an affair and move in with the OM actually come to honestly regret their decisions? How often do they actually want to make it work with their families and do the right thing. And even if the marriage is doomed what would your guy’s opinion be on her getting help for her issues and taking some anger management courses so she could see the kids and they’d feel safe? And I’d feel safe letting them go? I know I’m asking a lot. And I know there probably isn’t going to be total agreement with everyone but I’m honestly curious what the “community’s” opinion is.
I did tell the kids I just don’t see a scenario where me and Mom work out, but they are starting to wonder if I’m wrong. D8 and D12 both said they really believe Mom is coming back. Idk, I want to be gentle, but realistic too. D11 actually talked a little and just said, she’s mean and I just stopped caring but if she tried and was nice it’s be nice to talk to her. I honestly don’t know what to say. But I know I won’t lie. I want to be realistic and I want to be armed with some good honest opinions. Now I understand they’re just going to be opinions and no one knows anything for sure but you can’t discount the experience this forum has either.
Thanks in advance
J,
Depends on the timeframe you’re looking at for this to happen. I would say start at 10% in the first year and move it up 10% a year and at 5 years you are looking at maybe 50% chance. The truth of the matter is that many may regret it but still don’t reconcile. Too much damage is done.
If I stop and think about my own situation where my ex would have to admit she made a mistake, be remorseful, go into therapy, make immense with me, then my mom, my family and my friends it makes it relatively impossible.
So much damage is done and too many people get hurt.
I’d say within a year is the time frame. And I’m in a unique position where I wouldn’t care at all what my family or friends thought. I never have cared what they thought about my choices in life and I honestly never will. That’s one thing she knows for a fact and one things she loved about me. I’m the kind of guy where if you don’t like what my decisions in life are well to bad. And honestly my family and friends would support whatever I do.
And maybe I’m flat out crazy but I do know her. If her and the OM don’t work out she’s going to take the hard look in the mirror. What she does from there is anyone’s guess
J,
You are new to this so it’s understandable that you don’t fully yet understand the process. I have explained this before that your brain is looking for pain relief and stability. So right now you would take her back no matter what even after all the pain, abuse and suffering she has caused your family. With time and space and more destruction you will start to see it and your perception will slowly start to change.
One of the number one misconceptions of newbies here is that if the affair ends that the WWs will come back begging for forgiveness. That rarely happens and another OM is more of a likely scenario.
I am really sorry you are going through this Joseph and I really hope you have the strength to push past this because you have an extremely manipulative wayward who is going to test the $hit out of you and make your life a living h3ll.
LH,
I wouldn’t take her back no matter what. I have my conditions on that. I’ve stated them, and will not under any circumstance budge. And it requires a continued separation, IC,MC and anger management. And I seriously doubt she’d do any of that no matter what. I’m just looking for what people have seen on here, people that have been here for more the a month a half. Have they seen someone like my W ever do a 180 and decide to make those changes? If that makes sense? I really can’t find a sitch where that’s happened. I’m like 99.9% sure we are over and that’s the direction I am taking my life. And I am ok with that.
As far as the hard look in the mirror, I meant more to what she did to the kids than me. The fact she blames the kids for bad relationship, and calls them liars. The fact she walked out and abandoned them. The fact she never tried to right the wrongs she did to them. That day I feel like has a honest chance of happening if her and the OM don’t make it. But idk if I’m in a dream world in regards to that. I’d like to think she’d do what she could to fix that. If she was going to take a hard look in the mirror in regards to me she either, A already did before she left, or B she’d look and convince herself she did the right thing anyway and it isn’t her fault.
I know if her and the OM don’t work out there is a chance she’d come running back actually. But it would only be if he ended it and she didn’t see it coming and needed me for financial reasons. Otherwise she’ll just do to him what she did to me. Have someone waiting to save her in the wings and leave him the same way she did me. I know 100% she isn’t running back to have the marriage fixed if they don’t make it. Oh trust me on that!
Idk the kids got me thinking last night. Maybe I’m wrong to start to move on from her. That’s where the 1 yr comes from. How long am I willing to live in “limbo”. Maybe there is a chance she’ll see the light so to speak etc. I was moving on without willing to be in limbo any longer right now. Was I being to hasty? Are the kids going to be angry with me if I don’t give this every opportunity? That’s where my mind was. Because I thought your 10% chance in 1 yr was generous, and there is absolutely no chance I’m hanging out for 5 yrs.
Hi Joseph,
Ive followed your sitch, but don't think ive commented..
I'll be honest - Your wife is bat *&*( crazy and i think you just need to enjoy life, without even thinking "what if" - if she tries to come back, i wouldnt even waste breathe on her. She is a loon.. To hope you commit suicide ? WTF ? this woman is somebody you keep at a very long distance, and it sounds like you are doing a great job..
Bad news in it will only get worse for you in the short term. Alls you can do is be strong, minamise contact and think before reacting - DO NOT give her an inch of anything she could use against you..
Good news - you have your children, and you seem to have your head screwed on - just keep a rational mind. You may not feel like it, but you are actually fortunate. Not only do you have your children, as damaging as it may seem at the moment ( especially D15 ) they are seeing the crap their mother is capable of - It seems your children are mature enough to understand this, which although it may not feel like a positive, is better than being in a situation where a screwed up WW is manipulating or hurting children who are too young to communicate / make decissions ( ie if your children were 3 or 4 )
Move forward and never look back...
Joe ---
While you can push a D through really fast its not common. Depends on your state laws some require 6mo to 12mo separation first.
So definitely get your ducks in a row especially in regards to custody/visitation of your kids.
But, there is no need to rush D. Take your year.
That's what I am doing... taking a year. It gives me time to be less emotional in my decisions and frankly my H has so much anger I really wanted us to have a cooling off period.
Your situation is so much more volatile than mine but you seem to handling it like a champ!
I wouldn’t take her back no matter what. I have my conditions on that. I’ve stated them, and will not under any circumstance budge. And it requires a continued separation, IC,MC and anger management. And I seriously doubt she’d do any of that no matter what.
I would include the following in your conditions:
1) She sees you as someone of extremely high value
2) She views a relationship with you as something much better than a life with someone else or a life alone
3) She's willing to work to win you
Without those three things, she's going to walk again down the line, because she really doesn't have the motivation to work with you to change anything, your relationship will keep seeking the same equilibrium it has had because of how your personalities and issues come together.
I’m just looking for what people have seen on here, people that have been here for more the a month a half. Have they seen someone like my W ever do a 180 and decide to make those changes? If that makes sense? I really can’t find a sitch where that’s happened. I’m like 99.9% sure we are over and that’s the direction I am taking my life. And I am ok with that.
I have been here five years and saw 100s of sitches and I think that has happened maybe 5 times max within a year.
If she was going to take a hard look in the mirror in regards to me she either, A already did before she left, or B she’d look and convince herself she did the right thing anyway and it isn’t her fault.
There's a relevant quote about the fact that prisons are full of people who claim to be innocent. When humans do bad things, they typically will feel intensely guilty about it for a short period of time. Eventually the brain goes into self-preservation mode and starts inventing rationalizations so that the events in question were not that person's fault, or what they did wasn't so bad, or that everything will be okay despite what they did.
Once that "salvation narrative" starts to get created, they will hold onto it for dear life, seek out any shred of evidence that supports it, and ignore or reject anything at all that contradicts it. Its like an act of self-hypnosis.
So the WAS knows the impact on the children, but eventually self-hypnotize themselves into believing it’s all for the best and everyone will be okay, and it’s your fault anyway.
The thing is if she told you that you are responsible for fixing the relationship, and told you how to do it, and you actually did that you would fail before you started. That's not how relationships work.
If you were in high school and saw a girl you wanted to date, you wouldn't ask her how to create a relationship with her, and if she told you and you did that, you'd quickly be discarded.
I know if her and the OM don’t work out there is a chance she’d come running back actually. But it would only be if he ended it and she didn’t see it coming and needed me for financial reasons. Otherwise she’ll just do to him what she did to me. Have someone waiting to save her in the wings and leave him the same way she did me. I know 100% she isn’t running back to have the marriage fixed if they don’t make it. Oh trust me on that!
Well then what are you holding onto?
Idk the kids got me thinking last night. Maybe I’m wrong to start to move on from her. That’s where the 1 yr comes from. How long am I willing to live in “limbo”. Maybe there is a chance she’ll see the light so to speak etc.
I think that is your brain rationalizing not letting go of the rope. What does limbo mean to you?
I was moving on without willing to be in limbo any longer right now. Was I being to hasty? Are the kids going to be angry with me if I don’t give this every opportunity? That’s where my mind was.
I think that is your brain rationalizing not letting go of the rope.
Because I thought your 10% chance in 1 yr was generous, and there is absolutely no chance I’m hanging out for 5 yrs.
I was being generous. Hope can sometimes be a good thing.
Whether or not you guys R somewhere down the line, you are going to have to move on for her.
How does moving on from her look different from not moving in from her? If you are talking about dating other women, well, you are no where close to that happening. So what’s the difference ?
Thank you all very much for the replies. Mr. Brightside you had me laughing really hard. You sound exactly like my one buddy! And now the Mr Brightside song is in my head.
KC I believe in my state you have to be separated for a year unless you both go for it and are agreeable. Than it’s 90 days.
LH as usual your post made me think. And that I truly appreciate. I like your 3 extra conditions. Sad part is realistically I’m not sure if she would be manipulating me or if it would be genuine. I would have said she saw me as someone of high value right up until the point I found out she had an affair. I never saw how little she did think of me. I guess I could see where I’d be able to decipher if being with me is better than being alone, but would I honestly and truly ever know if she’d be satisfied with me and not looking for the next thing down the line? I’d know if she was working to win me. That I would. But would it last? Would she be willing to put the maintenance into the relationship? I wouldn’t know. 5 years is a long time. That’s exactly the experience I was looking for. And 5x max over a year...that’s the info i need. And what am I holding onto? Idk exactly. I guess I wanna be able to look at my kids in a year and truly be able to say I did everything I could? And honestly I wanna be able to do the same for myself. I never would have thought I’d be on this site a year ago so I don’t know where I’ll be a year from now. Could the lottery happen and she actually sees she made a massive mistake and can accept that? Work on the relationship with the kids? Accept she hit them? Idk. But I do know for now everything I do or they do she try’s (normally) to twist it into she’s the victim. I’ll write a separate post after this reply to show ya what i mean. Because it happened again yesterday and D8 and I found out about it this morning. And what does limbo mean to me....for me limbo is working on myself and the kids to be happy but keeping myself closed off to dating other woman. Waiting for her to make the move or either divorce or reconciliation. It’s not standing still. At least for me. At least I think.
Ginger, I agree I do need move on from her. I am just the type that once that happens the door is shut. And I mean completely shut. I don’t go back to ex’s. The first month me and my W were together my Ex tried. Heck, I recently reconnected to a old high school girlfriend on social media and I had to cut that off because I got the I can’t stop thinking about you speech. So if I move on completely, there’s no coming back. It’s just who I am. And I’m going to toot my own horn here, but apparently a full time father who’s got is **** together and takes care of himself and kids is appealing to a lot of woman. And to be 100% honest, there was one that if we were allowed to go to restaurants I would have taken her to dinner. I’m glad we are still on lockdown that way, because I am a man of morals and technically I am still married. So wouldn’t I be having an affair than? Weird way to think I know, but that’s who I am.
KC I believe in my state you have to be separated for a year unless you both go for it and are agreeable. Than it’s 90 days.
Even with children in common? I'd be really surprised at a 90 day D proceeding to finality with kids.
[quote=JosephS]I would have said she saw me as someone of high value right up until the point I found out she had an affair.
Realistically someone having an affair like this is usually a "last straw" versus a spur of the moment decision. In most relationships needs don't get met, resentments build up, and just pile up over time. When you're living in the same space there's a lot of motivation to compromise and keep the peace, but usually under the surface there's stuff brewing that isn't getting discussed, usually because both people convince themselves that it's just a temporary issue and will go away on its own.
I read somewhere that for people in a relationship to characterize it as "happy", positive interactions need to outweigh negative ones by a ratio of 7:1. For every one time you come away from an exchange annoyed, you have to come away from seven others feeling good. That's a pretty difficult thing to achieve for most people. If you're shy of that, the resentment snowball is growing.
An affair is escapism for sure, and its usually the result of a chance opportunity, or a thousand micro-escalations that happened without any forethought. What it's really a symptom of, however, is conflict avoidance.
For a relationship to be successful both people need to be willing to blow it up on occasion, argue it out and be prepared to walk if a compromise can't be reached. That takes a lot of strength and self-confidence. For more often people stuff it down and pave over it and eventually you're sitting on a volcano that's ready to blow.
Point is, regardless of the affair one or both of you weren't happy. Usually its just a matter of timing in terms of who pulls the rip cord first.
That's why it's now important to separate the desire for the person, from the desire for resumption of control, stability, and positive validation. Your brain is telling you that getting W back will restore these things, but it won't.
And what am I holding onto? Idk exactly. I guess I wanna be able to look at my kids in a year and truly be able to say I did everything I could?
This is LBS script that convinces us to hold on tightly to the rope.
I never would have thought I’d be on this site a year ago so I don’t know where I’ll be a year from now.
More LBS script.
Could the lottery happen and she actually sees she made a massive mistake and can accept that? Work on the relationship with the kids? Accept she hit them? Idk.
highly unlikely
I am just the type that once that happens the door is shut. And I mean completely shut.
Can I ask why? My guess is another reason to hold onto the rope.
And I’m going to toot my own horn here, but apparently a full time father who’s got is **** together and takes care of himself and kids is appealing to a lot of woman.
This is 100% true. Though that should be the least of your worries right now.
And to be 100% honest, there was one that if we were allowed to go to restaurants I would have taken her to dinner. I’m glad we are still on lockdown that way, because I am a man of morals and technically I am still married. So wouldn’t I be having an affair than? Weird way to think I know, but that’s who I am.
I think you need to work on your codependency issues before you consider any kind of dating.
Ok the further explanation of her being the victim. D8 plays Roblox with her best friend and I admit I was being lazy and I didn’t wanna put her Apple ID on my iPad. So I did let her have free reign of her phone. This was a mistake. So S17 sits down at breakfast and says hey Dad, D8 showed me her phone and her talking to mom last night you may wanna check it out.
So yesterday morning D8 asks her mom why she doesn’t see her. W responded you were supposed to call me whenever you wanted too. D8 says she forgot. W suggests they see each other tomorrow (which would be today) and says I’d see ya today but I have 2 bank interviews. (Now I don’t believe this for a second. I could be wrong but I’m just not seeing anyone being brought in for a job interview and having the staff potentially exposed). D8 says no daddy works tomorrow. W says oh crap I forgot that was a thing. (You forgot I work? Come on! Or did you forget the D8 won’t see you without me there?) than the W says well I could pick you up, D8 says No. W says we’ll I don’t know what to tell you. They don’t talk again til that night. I don’t have the screenshot of that convo but that’s how it went. Now the night time convo I do have. At 10:53pm (and yes I wasn’t pleased to see what time this took place but that’s for another day)
D8: you still didn’t say goodnight yet, bye
W: D8 i fell asleep, I’m sorry goodnight, do you want me to call? (Keep in mind she texted 1 min after D8 did)
D8: oh really did you?
W: yes I did
D8: so a text would not wake you up. (Kids smart for evening thinking that honestly because my W slept through alarms regularly)
W: yeah ok whatever you say
W: I’m tired of the attitude
W: you could have called me, you don’t know my number now?
D8: So now it’s my fault you did not say goodnight and I had to text you and remind you? (Keep in mind she’s 8 and the last 3 texts actually hurt her feelings because she didn’t have an attitude in her opinion and it made her mad because normally my W would never ever talk to D8 like that.
W:No I’m just saying why are you mad when you don’t call me ever or you don’t answer the phone when I call?
W: and you forgot to call me the other day but i wasn’t mad at you. (I honestly have no idea what she is referencing here)
D8: it’s not my fault to fix what you broke
D8: I mean job
W: you should stop listening to everyone else and be you D8. I miss my sweet nice little D8 without everyone else in her head.
D8: no one talks about you, they don’t like you. They’re not in my head.
W: you make no sense
D8: you don’t make sense I should not have unblocked you.
She proceeded to block her again.
D8 did lose her phone again. First she knows not to talk to mommy without daddy there. And she did it again. And the above is why. There is no healthy communication ever it seems anymore. And the sad part is my W didn’t even tell me about this. But to me she’s 8 and sensitive. So what if she didn’t believe you about the text waking you up. Why argue with a kid?
And now that D8 has lost her phone is this something I have to tell the W? Like hey you wanna talk to D8 you gotta do it through my phone?
KC I believe in my state you have to be separated for a year unless you both go for it and are agreeable. Than it’s 90 days.
Even with children in common? I'd be really surprised at a 90 day D proceeding to finality with kids.
I Believe so, but I am not 100%
J- it sounds like your D8 might be saying what she’s hearing you say. It does sound like its “you” talking when she is talking to her mom.........
Maybe when she has her phone she is to give it to you at bedtime to stop this?
Lh,
Hmm... - 7 to one ratio...I can promise that ratio wasn’t happening for a year. I never let the lying go. And that did cause issues. I guess what took and still takes me so off guard with her presumed unhappiness is nothing at all changed during our marriage physically. She demanded we cuddle every night. We still had sex 7x a week and sometimes twice a day. And we cuddled in the evening. Maybe I’m blinded but I did not even come close to see this coming.
I honestly don’t know where I’ll be in a year though. I could meet someone in 6 months that truly is like a soul mate. I could still be single. Who knows?
As far as the shut door, it’s just who I am. It’s my personality and always has been. If it didn’t work it didn’t work and I don’t go down that road again. She’s the first person to make me question that. So maybe I am holding the rope that way. Interesting...
And I agree I need to work on my codependency issues. Never was like that before until the W. But i definitely have them now!
J- it sounds like your D8 might be saying what she’s hearing you say. It does sound like its “you” talking when she is talking to her mom.........
Maybe when she has her phone she is to give it to you at bedtime to stop this?
I honestly thought the same. She heard me talking to someone. Because I think I used that exact quote that it’s not my job to fix what she did with the kids...I absolutely have to be more mindful of that.
And what I mean is it’s not my job to have them forgive her and excuse her behavior. It absolutely is my job to keep them in counseling and having them move forward.
Thanks everyone for their feedback. I always learn something new. I didn’t think the kids asking what they did yesterday affected me as much as it obviously did. I knew the answers but needed to hear them again apparently. The relationship is dead. And it’s not coming back. Whether a new one starts in the future no one knows, but the odds are very slim.
I just gotta remember it doesn’t matter what I saw coming. It happened and it happened for a reason. Definitely need to work on my codependency issues.
And I definitely have to do a better job of shielding the children even from myself and my feelings.
J- it sounds like your D8 might be saying what she’s hearing you say. It does sound like its “you” talking when she is talking to her mom.........
Maybe when she has her phone she is to give it to you at bedtime to stop this?
I honestly thought the same. She heard me talking to someone. Because I think I used that exact quote that it’s not my job to fix what she did with the kids...I absolutely have to be more mindful of that.
And what I mean is it’s not my job to have them forgive her and excuse her behavior. It absolutely is my job to keep them in counseling and having them move forward.
In that conversation, she did sound kind of “brainwashed” for a lack of a better word. And your W caught onto it.
I can’t imagine among 5 kids how hard it is to keep your 8 year old from hearing things, but she definitely is. And your wife can hold that against you in custody hearings. Just be careful
She definitely heard things. Had too. Actually I’m quite sure I said that to her mom. I’m not worried about custody. I saw the evaluation for D15. His recommendation was her parental rights be stripped for D15, the kids are to close to split up, and the W needs intensive counseling and until she gets it, it’s recommended she doesn’t have even supervised visits. And his recommendation can be used as evidence in a custody hearing.
My concern is D8 is only 8. She doesn’t need to hear this stuff. And since she’s only 8 there is a chance my W could get the help she needs and come out the mother I know she use to be. And if she can do that i would want my daughter to have a relationship with her. But that’s obviously all way down the line.
I’m sure I’m gonna get torn apart for this but I just had a 10min conversation with the W. It was nice actually. Actually one of the nicest ones since BD. My BIL called me and told me the W wanted to talk to me. She’s isolated and not in a good place mentally and asked if I’d do him the favor and just talk to her. I Told him I would. I know I know it’s a mistake or could be a lie, but here we go nonetheless
W: Did you know D8 and me got into a fight last night?
Me: yes
W: can you please have her unblock me. I owe her an apology.
I did and she sent an apology and admitted she didn’t realize what time it was. D8 didn’t respond.
W:Can I tell you about my interviews?
Me:sure
W:I had 2 yesterday, I got offered one but it doesn’t start til July 6th and idk how I feel about that. I accepted. But I need something now
Me:Well congratulations!! Is the one you accepted at a bank? And I completely understand needing something now, but either way that’s awesome you made some progress. Could you work at Amazon til then? Or is that completely off the table?
W: Amazon isn’t something I really want to do. I mean I could. But it’s 13 an hour in (another state) that’s not really worth the drive.
W: And the job I got offered is an IT type job.
Me: Oh $13 an hour? Yikes yeah you’ll eat that up in gas. May as well sell Avon or something instead of that lol! An IT job? Oh boy hopefully they use Apple equipment lol!
W: Ewww no Avon
Me: I got some half way exciting news if you’d like to hear it
W: What’s the news?
Me: My realitor talked to the guy selling my house. They’re gonna us let move in before closing! So we should be out very very soon!
W: Oh good I’m so excited for you!!
Me: Thank you! Once we move in we are going dog shopping lol. I’m gonna wait until later in June though. I’m watching (my brothers dog) while (my brother) and everyone goes to the beach
W: Aww I miss that dog. She’s the cutest.
W: Still getting a golden?
Me: I sent her a pic of my brothers dog
Me: She’s fat now W. It makes her cuter. Lol! And nah kids wanna adopt a dog. So that’s what we’ll do
W: She looks like an old lady.
Me: Lol I know. And she’s only 4
W: She’s so cute tho. And you’re right she is cuter.
Me: Alright well good luck with the job hunting. I’ll keep my fingers crossed that you get something before you turn 34 lol! I’m getting yelled at by D8 I need to nap before I go to work. Told me to sit down in my chair, she guarantees I’ll fall asleep than!! Gotta love that kid. Try to have a good day. Ttyl
W: Have a good day! Thanks! And I’ll talk to you later.
J,
I’m not gonna beat you up for it but want to point something out.
This is why we always talk about looking at actions and not words on here.
Your words say one thing but your actions say another.
Which do you think we are to believe?
J,
I’m not gonna beat you up for it but want to point something out.
This is why we always talk about looking at actions and not words on here.
Your words say one thing but your actions say another.
Which do you think we are to believe?
I know
You don’t get beat up if you don’t have expectations or drop your guard that fast. She is a crafty one and hasn’t proven herself and most likely is trying to suck you in for her own benefit.
Remember, your kids are watching you.
Joseph, beating you up is a big harsh. Will there be a 2x4 or two? Yes.
My questions are why? And what did it accomplish? Sounds like two friends having a conversation. Congrats if you want to be your STBX's friend. Most do not.
And on the job crap. $13/hour will be eaten up in gas? Let's assume 20 miles per gallon. Gas is at $2/gallon. That means $13 would cover 6.5 gallons of gas and allow her to drive 130 miles. So unless she is driving 130 miles, one way, only working 2 hours, and coming back, she would still be making money!
"They don't pay enough so I am going to sit and make nothing instead." Is the excuse of someone that doesn't want to work. I know that because I've seen it. I am not even buying that this new job she interviewed for doesn't start until July. I work in IT, I have never heard of a copy hiring a new employee and not wanting them to start ASAP! Most of the companies I work for do not even like having to wait 2 weeks for the employee to give notice. The only time I have heard of this in IT is when the employee says "I can't start until such-and-such time."
REMEMBER!!! BELIEVE NOTHING SHE SAYS. Nothing. Even things that do not matter at this point. Listen to Ginger. The job situation sounds like she is setting you up for a manipulation. The best way to avoid that is to NOT engage in these kinds of exchanges.
Joseph, beating you up is a big harsh. Will there be a 2x4 or two? Yes.
My questions are why? And what did it accomplish? Sounds like two friends having a conversation. Congrats if you want to be your STBX's friend. Most do not.
And on the job crap. $13/hour will be eaten up in gas? Let's assume 20 miles per gallon. Gas is at $2/gallon. That means $13 would cover 6.5 gallons of gas and allow her to drive 130 miles. So unless she is driving 130 miles, one way, only working 2 hours, and coming back, she would still be making money!
"They don't pay enough so I am going to sit and make nothing instead." Is the excuse of someone that doesn't want to work. I know that because I've seen it. I am not even buying that this new job she interviewed for doesn't start until July. I work in IT, I have never heard of a copy hiring a new employee and not wanting them to start ASAP! Most of the companies I work for do not even like having to wait 2 weeks for the employee to give notice. The only time I have heard of this in IT is when the employee says "I can't start until such-and-such time."
REMEMBER!!! BELIEVE NOTHING SHE SAYS. Nothing. Even things that do not matter at this point. Listen to Ginger. The job situation sounds like she is setting you up for a manipulation. The best way to avoid that is to NOT engage in these kinds of exchanges.
The “amazon” job is actually in another state. So it is possible it’s that far. I know the warehouse is in another state anyway. Regardless I know it’s a lie I’m just done calling her out. It was $19 than $15 and than $13 an hour depending on when she mentioned it. It was that kind of stuff that happened that I use to call her out on.
As far as the IT job, what exactly would an IT type job be ya know? No company name with the description? She has a GED and no experience in IT. I’m well aware that a lie too. Again, just no point in calling her out.
It was a nice conversation because quite frankly I just didn’t care. No I don’t want to be friends. And I honestly did talk to her and was kind as a favor to my BIL. Is she probably using him to get what she wants, absolutely. But I met the guy when he was a kid. (14). I’m the one who helped him through his first heartbreak. Calmed him down enough to ask his wife to marry him. Heck I was his best man. And have seen him have a son. My BIL will always be like family to me. Him and my W were very close growing up. I know he’s concerned and I know whatever she says he’ll take it at face value in terms if she’s not ok. I did tell him that would be the only time and she needs help professionally. He knows. So I doubt he’ll ask again.
I always take what people say here very seriously. I know everyone just has my best interest at heart. But there are 2 truths no matter what. And they are she isn’t living with me or my kids period. And I will not give her money. Will I pay the car payment that’s in both of our names. Yeah I will, but thats it.
If you guys believe she’s opening me up for some other type of manipulation please say so!
Also, I know the OM has a small time hauling business. Him and his brother own it for now. I say for now because we live in a commonwealth and the OM used marital money to start the business and the OM STBXW wants boughten out. Anyway, IMO my W is either going on hauls with him or doing separate hauls for him. I just don’t think she wants me to know.
Either way, I’m happy right now and it has absolutely nothing to do with her.
She is.
And you say you don’t want her as a friend yet you were sharing personal news about moving and puppies.....
She is.
And you say you don’t want her as a friend yet you were sharing personal news about moving and puppies.....
I only brought up the house because she obviously knows we were moving so I thought it was a safe topic. And the dog thing, well ever since our golden died in September we’ve talked about getting another one. So the kids talked about getting a dog to her previously before when we originally found out the seller accepted our offer. Again I figured safe topic. But I see your point nonetheless. The conversation was fairly seemless and easy breezy like friends. Well I’ll be jiggered lol!
Seriously I’m in an honest to goodness fantastic mood today.
TBH....if my ex wife would have had that conversation with me when I was knee deep in the middle of it I would have been completely pissed off. She has already put you in friend zone.
I was just in a good mood. But as such it never lasts. I’m actually beyond pissed. And I mean beyond pissed. Seriously I wish I could tell you how freaking messed up today ended up. Basically my daughter found my W...let me correct that STBXW secret Facebook profile. And wouldn’t ya know she found the OMs profile as well. I mean I get it. I do, but today they decided to come out as a couple on Facebook. I mean it is what it is that way. But D15 decided to unblock her and say something. Now keep in mind it’s my week to work overnight so there’s nothing I could have done. But it got out of hand tonight. Please keep in mind I’m venting. Because I need an outlet right now.
D15: have you filed for Divorce yet
W:Nope
W: Did you ask your dad that or just me?
D15: Sends 3 screenshots...one of the OM profile with them as the cover pic. One of my W secret profile with them as the cover pic and an old pic of her and D8 as the profile pic and than them saying they’re in a relationship starting today.
W: I don’t even know what that is.
D15:some how the lady has gone blind
W: how did you find that? Or make that because I don’t have a Facebook.
D15: why would I have a pic of you and my little sister on my phone. Why would I have a pic of you and your boyfriend on my phone. And why would you boyfriend tag it if it was a fake?
W: well where did it come from than
D15: ummm Facebook
W: yeah who’s
D15. Are you kidding me?
W: well that’s interesting because I don’t have a Facebook so that’s interesting
D15: well since we’re all lying here, my name is Bruce and I’m 5yrs old and I have never told a lie in my life. ******** **** (W first name and maiden name) as your daughter I believe it’s only right to tell you that my councilors think you have serious trauma from your child hood. They also believe you have developed a lying compulsion. Meaning you can’t stop lying even when the truth is right in front of your eyes. Since you are my mother, I think you should get some help. It’s okay not to be ok. We all need help once in a while. The first step is admitting your problems. I know it’s hard to come out of a habit, trust me, we’ve all been there but learn to tell the truth. It’s so easy and it will make hour life 10x better.
True be told her counselor actually did say all that
W: you want the truth? I’m sorry you’re upset I’m with the OM. I’m sorry that you don’t understand. As far as your counselors go I don’t want an opinion of someone who doesn’t know me well enough to make that kind of call. And doesn’t know the whole story of my life. They only know what you people tell them.
D15: wait? So we aren’t your family anymore...we are you people? I’m not really upset anymore, or as you would say in me feels. I’m over the situation, what is bothersome for a child is to watch your mother go through so many jumping jacks to go through all her lies and still not make any sense. I understand well enough now that I was abused, what happened to me was wrong and it messes with someone’s mental state to have a mother as such. I hope you and the OM have a good happy healthy relationship build on lies. It reminds me of another couple I know. **** and *** (her grand parents) idk if you remember them much, but it wouldn’t matter cause you’ll lie. I’m going to go now, but remember your Dad walked out just as you did, never divorced your mom just liked you’re doing, had multiple girlfriends just like you are doing, and had multiple children from multiple partners just as your doing. So I hope you realize what type of person that you are. You still aren’t over what he did, and you wanna say we all act like you, so good luck.
W: I never said you guys weren’t my family, don’t put words in my mouth keyboard warrior. You have a good night I’ll talk to you later love you
I guess it’s time to clarify if I haven’t I met S17 when he was 8 months old. He’s never known his bio father. And now his bio mom abandoned him too. He was the biggest gift I’ve ever received. He does know the truth. I use to say I wouldn’t have a son without you. And he said I wouldn’t have a father without you. Now my boy has to say I wouldn’t have a family without you. Smh. I’ve never looked at him differently from his sisters and I never will. I took that little man on at 20. Best decision I ever made.
And than I get the text from the W. Keep in mind I’m at work, have no idea any of this happened. I’ll continue in my next post.
W: I’m am absolutely done with the disrespect. You need to parent your child now.
Me:?
W: Talk to your daughter. Joe. I’m sick of it. I want something done. She talks to me like I’m trash.
Me: Which one I’m not home
W: Yeah. Ok. You’re not home.... Talk to D15
At this point I called D15 to find out what happened. I got the details and screenshots. I don’t condone this circus in any way shape or form, but I’ll be darned if my daughter is taking the full blame.
Me: I’m at work
W:K
Me: You’re more than welcome to FaceTime me and I’ll give ya the tour
W: Yeah ok
Me: What happened?
W: I’ll send screen shots. (Does actually send them all surprisingly.
W: It’s appalling to me that she has me blocked until she finds some ******** to start drama and then Wants to be Ms tough guy. I’m sick of it. And it stops now.
Me: What would you like to see be done?
Me: I can talk to her. But in reality there’s not much I can do til tomorrow when I get home and see her. So what would you like seen done?
W: I guess just talk to her when you get home. But Joe, do you really think it’s appropriate the way that she talks to me?
Me: Oh I’ve already talked to her on FaceTime when I talked to D8. She was absolutely done now that you decided to lie. She doesn’t understand how she found your Facebook and sent you a picture and yet you deny it’s yours. And when this happened with instagram you said you would always have your kids as friends.
W: And I would if I had a darn Facebook Joe
Me: W...seriously? It’s your Facebook.
W: Ok. Whatever.
Me: It’s you and D8 and your cover photo is you and OM
Me: No point in lying. So why keep it a secret? Why not request your kids? I understand why you’d both be frustrated
W: Believe what you want. I like how it’s ok how she talks to me regardless. As long as you guys feel like she’s in the right she can speak to me however she wants correct.
Me: I’m not saying that at all. I’m saying I can see where she’s coming from and angry and hurt.
W: Did you not read what she wrote? She’s not angry she’s over it. But I’m the liar
Me: Yes I read it. And yes she’s over the lying. When I talked to her she said there was more she never sent you. Screenshots. And you deny it’s your Facebook. She sent it to me. It’s your Facebook. Why lie? Especially when you know that’s one of the major wedges between you two?
W: Not lying. But ok
Me: No one has a pic of you and the OM and you and D8 except you. But it’s hard to get her to respect you when you keep doing this. It really is
W: Fine let her keep being a brat. And think she runs the roost joe. She’s a child. Regardless of whatever else she shows respect. That’s how it supposed to be.
Me: She’s not being a brat. She’s darn near 16. She’s doing ok
W: Is she?
W: She needs to show some darn respect to the person who birthed her. But you know. Maybe I’m a f****** r****
Me: What would you like to see her do to show respect?
W: Not talk to me like I’m trash. Are you serious! Jesus Christ. Never mind. I’m sorry I decided to ask you for your help with our kid.
Me: You aren’t asking for help you are demanding I do something by myself
W: Well it’s not like I can go to your house and Do it for you
Me: No you can not. But you asked me to talk to her. But that last text message...1st time you said our kid. Before it was my kid
Me: Let me ask you a serious question. If she really feels that way about you. The same way you do your father..how is she supposed to show respect? You know exactly how she feels and you showed no respect towards your father. And she knows that too
W: That’s absolute bs . I showed my father respect all of the time. When I was an adult is when I stopped showing respect.
W: And when she’s an adult she can act however the f*** she wants. But until then she needs to show respect to the person who birthed her
W: Let’s be real. Any adult she needs to show respect to. She’s not a monster. She wasn’t raised to be one. So she should be allowed to act like one.
Me: Are you being serious right now?
Me: She’s not acting like a monster. You lied and she called you out? What should she do? Ignore her feelings? Ignore the fact you don’t ever ever ever ask to see her? You do realize what you did to that girl right?
W: What exactly did I do to her? Not ask to see her? Because I asked to see all of the kids. But no one will come except D8. But OK
Me: No you try to set up visits with an 8 year old on days you know she won’t be able to come. Like when I told you she’d be busy on Sunday and you still asked. You didn’t ask again til Mother’s Day and they wanted no part. And than you asked D8 to see you today knowing full well I worked. Knowing full well they will not see you without me. Doesn’t that strike you as odd? That’s the 5 kids you “birthed” wont see you without their father? You won’t talk to me about seeing any of them but you’ll talk to me about them blocking you or disrespecting you. Yet you won’t ask to set up a time to see them with me. And you can’t be serious about what you did to D15. How about dragged her into your affair. Forced her to lie to her father when she admitted it. Tried to replace me as her father and when she started to faint you said you’ll be ok and didn’t help her. She asked you to take her to a dentist for a year. (I didn’t know that and have since taken her) She told you her back mole hurt and got nowhere with you. (Again I’ve taken her) Where was the adult in those situations? You straight used the poor girl to watch the kids in Walmart so you could cheat. You didn’t act like her mother. You acted like a friend you completely used her. And that doesn’t take into account the stuff that they’ve all told me you did to her over the years
W: Ok. Whatever you wanna believe you believe that. Have fun in your dream world.
Me: Dream world? That’s all reality
W: ok goodnight
Me: same to you
This right here is the very definition of freaking dysfunctional. Idk why I bothered to talk to her earlier. I want no parts of this anymore. None. Actions speak louder than words. I told the kids to stop talking to her. No one can be positive and have anything normal to say. I’m taking my own advice and blocking her. She knows my email and regular address. I’m done!!
Hi,
Your daughters comment "developed a lying compulsion" made me laugh.. Sounds like my WW..
BUT
Google Grey Rock...
Your whole exchange was totally pointless - It just feeds her drama.
You need to be the rational one and that exchange is an emotional to and fro.. and it achived nothing except
rising to her crap
wasting 15 minutes of your life
frustrating you.
I get that its difficult to ignore. I am guilty of a similar kind of conversation about a month ago. I'm usually great at ignoring my WW crap, but she hit a nerve and sent a nasty text about me being a bad father becuase i didnt reply quick enough to a request to help set up her chrome cast.. After my exchange i just thought why did i bother. It achived nothing, i know not to engage and the outcome will never change - as my ex is totally irrational and doesnt see the damage she has done. I actually blocked my WW after that and we communicate via email only now, so thats good advice to yourself.
My Advice.. Dont reply unless its a legitimate children thing and it needs a rational reply. Based on the child situation i dont think she has any legitimate child concerns as she is the issue. Ignore anything that is emotional. Never reply straight away if you are unsure - think, think and think again if you need to reply - or ask here for advice.
Your Wife is off the scale in nuttyness - She has / is losing everything which makes her dangerous IMO.. You need to be cautious but look after yourself and get as far a way from her as possible. When you get your new place, i'd be considering CCTV ! - Think of her as a sweating stick of dynamite in the hot sun. One big jolt and it may go bang - and you dont want to be anywhere near.
Oh I know it’s pointless to exchange anything with that wind bag. But I’m just so tired of my kids always being the issue or disrespectful or whatever other garbage she makes up. Honestly re-reading what she wrote it didn’t even seem that bad to me. Unnecessary sure, but monsterously disrespectful..whatever.
I don’t think she is dangerous. At least not to me. Obviously she is to the kids. However I’m still irrationally angry right now. Freaking first over night since this all went down. I actually cried when I left the house because of how much I was gonna miss them. D8 called me several times crying. I was already emotional as heck starting at 345pm. When the count down to leaving began. And all I kept thinking while driving here is this shouldn’t be happening. This selfish clown destroyed my children and specifically my oldest daughter. She destroyed my marriage. She destroyed my kids security and for what? Really for what? She’s a ruiner and I’m being freaking nice to her because of my BIL? Yeah well if he was still considered family, you don’t put family in the position to have to deal with that stuff. Yeah I was happy. Yeah today I could handle it. But why should I have too? Why is it my problem. And than to finally get here at work, settle down and bam more...just crap.
Someone smack me if I ever decide it’s ok to be polite. Reminds me of a quote from Jack Nicholson’s Joker from Tim Burtons Batman. You ever dance with the devil in the pale moon light? Why yes, yes I have.
You are letting her get to you ! I suspect every LBS here had them thoughts, but it does get better.
The key is to detach, drop the rope and make positive steps for the future - for you and the children. You cannot control her or the damage she does. All you can do is be the best dad you can and try to minamise any impact.
And all I kept thinking while driving here is this shouldn’t be happening. This selfish clown destroyed my children and specifically my oldest daughter. She destroyed my marriage. She destroyed my kids security and for what? Really for what? She’s a ruiner
Yes - She is - as is my WW and thousands more.. But whats done is done. So you stand up, dust yourself of and carry on living. The best thing you can do now is live your life to the full. Your children love and respect you, so never let that slide - be their rock - and in 1, 3, 5 years time you will still be that rock.. and the WW will still have nothing. If you think of it like that, is it really worth getting worked up over.
I don’t think she is dangerous. At least not to me. Obviously she is to the kids.
Pretty sure 12 months ago, like many LBS here you would have said she would never have an affair ? - Just be cautious - she comes across as crazy to tje outsider looking in.
Reminds me of a quote from Jack Nicholson’s Joker from Tim Burtons Batman. You ever dance with the devil in the pale moon light? Why yes, yes I have.
Lol.. I downloaded this last week and me and the kids watched it.. they love the line "Who are you - I'm Batman"
But you have just said it yourself - Dancing with the devil! - be careful
W: I’m am absolutely done with the disrespect. You need to parent your child now.
Me:?
W: Talk to your daughter. Joe. I’m sick of it. I want something done. She talks to me like I’m trash.
Me: Which one I’m not home
W: Yeah. Ok. You’re not home.... Talk to D15
At this point I called D15 to find out what happened. I got the details and screenshots. I don’t condone this circus in any way shape or form, but I’ll be darned if my daughter is taking the full blame.
Me: I’m at work
W:K
Me: You’re more than welcome to FaceTime me and I’ll give ya the tour
W: Yeah ok
Me: What happened?
W: I’ll send screen shots. (Does actually send them all surprisingly.
W: It’s appalling to me that she has me blocked until she finds some ******** to start drama and then Wants to be Ms tough guy. I’m sick of it. And it stops now.
Me: What would you like to see be done?
Me: I can talk to her. But in reality there’s not much I can do til tomorrow when I get home and see her. So what would you like seen done?
W: I guess just talk to her when you get home. But Joe, do you really think it’s appropriate the way that she talks to me?
Me: Oh I’ve already talked to her on FaceTime when I talked to D8. She was absolutely done now that you decided to lie. She doesn’t understand how she found your Facebook and sent you a picture and yet you deny it’s yours. And when this happened with instagram you said you would always have your kids as friends.
W: And I would if I had a darn Facebook Joe
Me: W...seriously? It’s your Facebook.
W: Ok. Whatever.
Me: It’s you and D8 and your cover photo is you and OM
Me: No point in lying. So why keep it a secret? Why not request your kids? I understand why you’d both be frustrated
W: Believe what you want. I like how it’s ok how she talks to me regardless. As long as you guys feel like she’s in the right she can speak to me however she wants correct.
Me: I’m not saying that at all. I’m saying I can see where she’s coming from and angry and hurt.
W: Did you not read what she wrote? She’s not angry she’s over it. But I’m the liar
Me: Yes I read it. And yes she’s over the lying. When I talked to her she said there was more she never sent you. Screenshots. And you deny it’s your Facebook. She sent it to me. It’s your Facebook. Why lie? Especially when you know that’s one of the major wedges between you two?
W: Not lying. But ok
Me: No one has a pic of you and the OM and you and D8 except you. But it’s hard to get her to respect you when you keep doing this. It really is
W: Fine let her keep being a brat. And think she runs the roost joe. She’s a child. Regardless of whatever else she shows respect. That’s how it supposed to be.
Me: She’s not being a brat. She’s darn near 16. She’s doing ok
W: Is she?
W: She needs to show some darn respect to the person who birthed her. But you know. Maybe I’m a f****** r****
Me: What would you like to see her do to show respect?
W: Not talk to me like I’m trash. Are you serious! Jesus Christ. Never mind. I’m sorry I decided to ask you for your help with our kid.
Me: You aren’t asking for help you are demanding I do something by myself
W: Well it’s not like I can go to your house and Do it for you
Me: No you can not. But you asked me to talk to her. But that last text message...1st time you said our kid. Before it was my kid
Me: Let me ask you a serious question. If she really feels that way about you. The same way you do your father..how is she supposed to show respect? You know exactly how she feels and you showed no respect towards your father. And she knows that too
W: That’s absolute bs . I showed my father respect all of the time. When I was an adult is when I stopped showing respect.
W: And when she’s an adult she can act however the f*** she wants. But until then she needs to show respect to the person who birthed her
W: Let’s be real. Any adult she needs to show respect to. She’s not a monster. She wasn’t raised to be one. So she should be allowed to act like one.
Me: Are you being serious right now?
Me: She’s not acting like a monster. You lied and she called you out? What should she do? Ignore her feelings? Ignore the fact you don’t ever ever ever ask to see her? You do realize what you did to that girl right?
W: What exactly did I do to her? Not ask to see her? Because I asked to see all of the kids. But no one will come except D8. But OK
Me: No you try to set up visits with an 8 year old on days you know she won’t be able to come. Like when I told you she’d be busy on Sunday and you still asked. You didn’t ask again til Mother’s Day and they wanted no part. And than you asked D8 to see you today knowing full well I worked. Knowing full well they will not see you without me. Doesn’t that strike you as odd? That’s the 5 kids you “birthed” wont see you without their father? You won’t talk to me about seeing any of them but you’ll talk to me about them blocking you or disrespecting you. Yet you won’t ask to set up a time to see them with me. And you can’t be serious about what you did to D15. How about dragged her into your affair. Forced her to lie to her father when she admitted it. Tried to replace me as her father and when she started to faint you said you’ll be ok and didn’t help her. She asked you to take her to a dentist for a year. (I didn’t know that and have since taken her) She told you her back mole hurt and got nowhere with you. (Again I’ve taken her) Where was the adult in those situations? You straight used the poor girl to watch the kids in Walmart so you could cheat. You didn’t act like her mother. You acted like a friend you completely used her. And that doesn’t take into account the stuff that they’ve all told me you did to her over the years
W: Ok. Whatever you wanna believe you believe that. Have fun in your dream world.
Me: Dream world? That’s all reality
W: ok goodnight
Me: same to you
This right here is the very definition of freaking dysfunctional. Idk why I bothered to talk to her earlier. I want no parts of this anymore. None. Actions speak louder than words. I told the kids to stop talking to her. No one can be positive and have anything normal to say. I’m taking my own advice and blocking her. She knows my email and regular address. I’m done!!
Now try this one:
W: I’m am absolutely done with the disrespect. You need to parent your child now.
Me:?
W: Talk to your daughter. Joe. I’m sick of it. I want something done. She talks to me like I’m trash.
Me: Which one I’m not home
W: Yeah. Ok. You’re not home.... Talk to D15
Me: Wow, whatever happened must have upset you. I will talk to D15 to find out what happened, and have discussion with her about it. Right now I have to work, talk later.
Then ignore all the other texts.
Joe, here is the thing, as LBS we crave whatever breadcrumbs of attention our WAS will give to us. You are using this drama as a way to engage with her. But everything that followed her telling you to talk to D15 was useless, pointless, unproductive, and really not something you should have engaged with her in.
So after all of that, from a DBing standpoint, give yourself a letter grade. How do you think you handled it?
Joseph, please Google "energy vampire". Look for the article on Healthline and read it beginning to end. You really have no idea what you are dealing with here in regards to your wife, but here are some bullet points:
They don’t take accountability. They’re always involved in some kind of drama. They always one-up you. They diminish your problems and play up their own. They act like a martyr. They criticize or bully. They intimidate. etc. etc.
You've posted about your W doing all of the above just on the last two pages!!
You are responding to her by doing exactly the opposite of what you should be doing. You and your kids are feeding the vampire. You've been given tools on stopping it but you are not enforcing it. Example- you told W that she cannot talk to D8 without you present. Yet they talk anyway (and it never goes well) and what do you do? Punish D8 by taking her phone!!!!!! The boundary is on your WIFE, not on D8!! You should be punishing your wife for not respecting the boundary. How? Have your cell provider block her number from D8's phone (that way D8 cannot unblock it) and then tell your W that she breached your boundary, so from now on to talk to D8 she will need to call you and talk to her on your phone. Period.
MrBrside touched on the grey rock technique, it is absolutely a must when dealing with an energy vampire. Energy vampires thrive on negative interactions just as much as positive, they absolutely love it. The ONLY way to get them to quit sucking your energy away is to go grey rock. Be boring. Think of an accountant with a pocket protector with about 6 pens stuck in it sitting at a boring metal desk with a boring white shirt on. You ask him a question and he dully looks up at you and answers in a boring monotone giving you the facts and nothing more like he had a personality-ectomy. THAT is how your interactions with her should go. You've really got to stop what you are doing ASAP.
I’m sure I’m gonna get torn apart for this but I just had a 10min conversation with the W. It was nice actually. Actually one of the nicest ones since BD.
Was it?
Regardless I know it’s a lie I’m just done calling her out.
I’m well aware that a lie too. Again, just no point in calling her out.
It was a nice conversation because quite frankly I just didn’t care.
You had a conversation with her in which she blatantly lied to your face numerous times and you actually perceive that as a nice convo. For crying out loud Joseph! Have you been so abused in your life that you let yourself get treated like this and actually come away feeling GOOD about it?
If you guys believe she’s opening me up for some other type of manipulation please say so!
Oh yes, absolutely. I'm surprised you can't see it. Your posts are dripping with descriptions of her manipulation of you and both D's. And it really must stop. Listen to MrBrside- research "grey rock". Talk to your IC about it. Implement it. Quit feeding the vampire.
Hey Steve, thank you for the advice. Shouldn’t be hard to do anymore as I’ve just woke up for a 12hr shift and still just don’t want this nightmare in my life. I’m not angry. I’ve just had enough.
As, I don’t plan on talking to her at all. As far as the previous conversation, I really don’t care if she lies to me anymore. Nothing new. What I care about is the attack on D15. As far as D8 and taking her phone, yes she broke a rule. She wasn’t suppose to talk to her without me there and yes she was punished for it. Taking an 8 yr olds phone isn’t the end of the world to me. And when it’s done over IMessage I wasn’t sure if a cellphone provider could block the number. Because I haven’t re-upd her minutes and they still talk flawlessly. No point in re-upping her mins when everyone she talks to is on an IOS device and she always has WiFi.
As LH19 told me, what do you think we are going to believe your actions or words, so I blocked her on my phone.
I received an email this afternoon.
Did you block me? Nothing is being delivered. What’s going on? That phone is in my name and I want it back now. You can’t do this on a phone I OWN. We are still married and have kids and we need to communicate together. You are acting like a child and I’ve had enough. I’m done!
My reply: I gave her my attys info..anything you have questions about in regards to our impending divorce or custody can be directed towards her. There is nothing further to discuss.
J,
Oh boy. You should have asked that question on here first. Why can't you just ignore her texts?
My reply: I gave her my attys info..anything you have questions about in regards to our impending divorce or custody can be directed towards her. There is nothing further to discuss.
Hmm.. cutting off communication like that sounds like an emotional reaction. You said your attorney said best for custody to keep lines of communication open, and AnotherStander advocated the BoringAccountant(tm) model. DB usually recommends minimal, essential communication only. Grey rock, too!
Sure, tell her you'll only communicate via e-mail, wait a business day between replies, and direct questions or comments re: custody or divorce to your attorney. Your exchange won't look flattering when she shows it to others (e.g., a judge) Her: "We have kids and need to communicate together." You: "There is nothing further to discuss." Find your cool again. Your responses were measured and solid a few days ago.
Anyway, as we are all talking and having a good time my phone starts going off. Text after text. Of course it’s the W. She is absolutely verbally going after me. Telling me I ruined her life. They are her friends and I shouldn’t have ever talked to them. Than the W texts me again. And than I get a call from a blocked number. I don’t answer this time. But I do look at the texts. Basically she’s begging for forgiveness and knows what she did was messed up. She wants to come home and try to fix our marriage. She loves me and over the last couple of months all she could think about was me. And please please let’s work this out.
I didn’t respond..
Channel where you were when you wrote this!
J,
Oh boy. You should have asked that question on here first. Why can't you just ignore her texts?
Because when I do ignore them they get more and more aggressive. And than she goes after the kids.
My reply: I gave her my attys info..anything you have questions about in regards to our impending divorce or custody can be directed towards her. There is nothing further to discuss.
Hmm.. cutting off communication like that sounds like an emotional reaction. You said your attorney said best for custody to keep lines of communication open, and AnotherStander advocated the BoringAccountant(tm) model. DB usually recommends minimal, essential communication only. Grey rock, too!
Sure, tell her you'll only communicate via e-mail, wait a business day between replies, and direct questions or comments re: custody or divorce to your attorney. This won't look flattering when she shows it to others (e.g., a judge) Her: "We have kids and need to communicate together." You: "There is nothing further to discuss." You need to find your cool. Your responses were measured and solid a few days ago.
There is nothing left to discuss. She’s doesn’t ask me to see the kids. She asks them. That’s her preference. I’ve tried this for months. As far as her showing a judge anything about me not being agreeable to talking to her about the kids, go right a head. My kids have said she hit them. It’s in the petition for custody. D15 was evaluated and confirmed by the states doctor to have been abused with a recommendation of her parental rights being terminated. At what point do I look like a bad father for allowing an abuser to have communication and visitation with someone the state has confirmed to be an abuser? She has gotten no help or therapy. There is no reason to allow her to see the kids. That was the game changer this week. When that happened everything changed. I asked my atty if it was ok to block her from my phone and have all further communication about custody and divorce directed towards her. She said absolutely and preferred. I’m gonna go with my attys advice on this one. As far her previous advice about keeping the lines open. She just said to have the kids unblock her so she couldn’t say I was manipulating or brain washing them. That advice went right out the window when D15s eval came in.
As far as anything else..what really is there discuss?
W: Did you know D8 and me got into a fight last night?
Me: yes
W: can you please have her unblock me. I owe her an apology.
I did and she sent an apology and admitted she didn’t realize what time it was. D8 didn’t respond.
W:Can I tell you about my interviews?
Me:sure
W:I had 2 yesterday, I got offered one but it doesn’t start til July 6th and idk how I feel about that. I accepted. But I need something now
Me:Well congratulations!! Is the one you accepted at a bank? And I completely understand needing something now, but either way that’s awesome you made some progress. Could you work at Amazon til then? Or is that completely off the table?
W: Amazon isn’t something I really want to do. I mean I could. But it’s 13 an hour in (another state) that’s not really worth the drive.
W: And the job I got offered is an IT type job.
Me: Oh $13 an hour? Yikes yeah you’ll eat that up in gas. May as well sell Avon or something instead of that lol! An IT job? Oh boy hopefully they use Apple equipment lol!
W: Ewww no Avon
Me: I got some half way exciting news if you’d like to hear it
W: What’s the news?
Me: My realitor talked to the guy selling my house. They’re gonna us let move in before closing! So we should be out very very soon!
W: Oh good I’m so excited for you!!
Me: Thank you! Once we move in we are going dog shopping lol. I’m gonna wait until later in June though. I’m watching (my brothers dog) while (my brother) and everyone goes to the beach
W: Aww I miss that dog. She’s the cutest.
W: Still getting a golden?
Me: I sent her a pic of my brothers dog
Me: She’s fat now W. It makes her cuter. Lol! And nah kids wanna adopt a dog. So that’s what we’ll do
W: She looks like an old lady.
Me: Lol I know. And she’s only 4
W: She’s so cute tho. And you’re right she is cuter.
Me: Alright well good luck with the job hunting. I’ll keep my fingers crossed that you get something before you turn 34 lol! I’m getting yelled at by D8 I need to nap before I go to work. Told me to sit down in my chair, she guarantees I’ll fall asleep than!! Gotta love that kid. Try to have a good day. Ttyl
W: Have a good day! Thanks! And I’ll talk to you later.
J,
So this was your conversation yesterday when you guys were all buddy buddy and laughing out loud together.
Now today you have completely blocked her.
You are acting on emotions. When you do that there are sure to be consequences.
Slow your roll and come to the board before making major decisions.
You’re absolutely right about yesterday’s convo. It was a massive mistake and I shouldn’t have done it. I should have told my BIL I’m sorry your sister is hurting but i can’t help her feel better.
So let me ask you guys than before I respond. She has emailed me back.
Joe,
I’m sorry for what happened last night. I’m sorry I brought you into the fight between D15 and me. I should have told her myself to talk to me with more respect. What you don’t know is people started commenting on the post calling me a home wrecker and a slut. Commenting I was still married and had kids I never saw. It really hurt me. ***** (OM W) had them do it.
I’m sorry I threatened to take the phones again. Can you please unblock me? Can we please talk? I will respect your wishes if we get divorced to only have my attorney talk to your attorney. Can we please talk about custody. We can figure this out together.
********
—————————————————————————————————————————————————————
So what should I say to this? What I see is IF we get divorced (manipulation) and can we please figure out custody together. (More manipulation) actually even the first paragraph screams manipulation to me. Because it’s a poor me feel sorry for me paragraph.
And this is why I don’t wanna have communication anymore. Because I do feel sorry for her that she got called out like that in front of everyone they’re both friends with. That would be responding with emotions.
So what should I say to this?
Tell her to email you her thoughts on custody. Tell her that right now you do not feel like it is a good idea to talk or for you to unblock her right now.
What I see is IF we get divorced (manipulation) and can we please figure out custody together. (More manipulation) actually even the first paragraph screams manipulation to me. Because it’s a poor me feel sorry for me paragraph.
Yes she is trying to manipulate you but you don't have to allow it.
And this is why I don’t wanna have communication anymore.
The thing is Joe you don't have to have communication with her whether she is blocked or unblocked. It takes two to communicate.
Because I do feel sorry for her that she got called out like that in front of everyone they’re both friends with. That would be responding with emotions.
Why do you feel sorry for her? All actions have consequences.
If she can continue to communicate like an adult then maybe you unblock her. Don't tell her that though.
Can you please unblock me? Can we please talk? Can we please talk about custody.
I see three requests: (1) unblock her, (2) talk to her, (3) talk to her about custody.
(1) - Why unblock her? You're struggling with real-time communications. "E-mail is better for me."
(2) - This is a chance to re-open communication. "I'm listening."
(3) - "re: Custody -" either "What are your thoughts?" or "Please contact my attorney."
Minimal, business-like communication. I'd wait 2-4 hours before replying. This says you're able and willing to communicate. This avoids getting pulled down into the muck or her drama.
You feel sorry she got called out on Social media for being a home wrecker and not seeing her kids? Because it’s the absolute truth . Why do you feel sorry for her?
You do see her pattern, right? Act like a loon, get all crazy, blame everyone else, then she comes back with a sorry. Then acts like a loon, gets crazy and abusive, all over again.
And you are riding the roller coaster with her. Want to get off?
Thanks LH and CW. Far more level headed than what I would have said. You guys are right, I’m obviously letting my emotions get the best of me again. D11 came over and hugged me and said you are the best daddy ever. I almost cried. I’m gonna call and talk to my older brother on my way into work tonight. He’s been a great help through out this process.
I’ve gotten to the point where I’m fine with whatever insults or trash she says to me. I have my self esteem back that way. But I have not been able to “drop the rope” when it comes to how she talks to my kids. It makes me so angry to their own mother say some of the stuff she does. I haven’t posted 99% of it. I think tonight while I’m at work I’m gonna post some of the letters my kids have written me. I think it’ll help you guys see we’re I’m coming from.
Alright, I do know her thoughts on custody. They haven’t change as far as I know. She wants 50/50 but as a hand shake agreement. But I’ll find out if it’s still the same. (Though in all honesty I’m going for full custody no matter what)
And you right I don’t have to respond. I have no excuse. I can do it until she goes after the kids. And if they have her blocked she than complains they have her blocked and she sends the screenshots of the way she talks to them. And I respond every time. I guess that more manipulation I’m falling for.
Thanks CW I think that’s exactly what I’m gonna say via email and I’ll wait again til I get to work. That’s 2 and a half hours from now.
And I feel sorry for her because I’m an idiot and a sucker. I have no other explanation
I have a question for you that might make you dig deep. I did some math. You met your wife when she was 16 with an infant, and you were 5 years older, so 20, 21? How did that come about? Was there a bit of a rescuer dynamic there ?
She was 17 and I was 20. Turned 21 4 months later. And no rescuer dynamic. We met at work. I was an assistant manager at a toy store. My friend got a store managers job in the next county over. They needed help and paid mileage. We flirted for 2 months and started talking on the phone. She didn’t mention she had a son because she thought I would think she was easy and it would scare me away if she had a son. Once we started talking on the phone she couldn’t hide it anymore. But at first she told me the dad was in the picture. It became obvious after a couple more months he wasn’t. By then I loved the little guy.
I guess the problem with her lying has been going on for a little longer than I would be willing to admit to myself
I guess the problem with her lying has been going on for a little longer than I would be willing to admit to myself
You touched on something here that ive mentioned to other people, but didnt mention in my post to you yesterday when i was saying run run run.
You are still in the LBS fog IMO.. You see some things clearer, but theres a long way to go... Once you do drop that rope, you may actually start to think "what was i thinking"...
I'm willing to bet there were a lot of red flags along the way, which started pretty much when you met. The problem is, you only see the good in the person and ignore / are oblivious to them little flashes of "hmmmm"... As Ginger put it, there probably ( even unintentionally ) but rescuer dynamic in there.. Maybe some Nice guy syndrome... Either way, as the next few months unfold i suspect you will start to look back and think about all the little bread crumbs that led to this car crash.. They were always there, but you, like so many other LBS were oblivious to them..
I am 100% guilty of this, and if you read my initial post i play down a lot of my WW lies and manipulation.. My focus was "magic bullet to fix this" - fast forward 4 months and my focus was myself - often thinking how the hell did i not see what she was like.. I found out my ex lied a lot within the first few months, even calling her step gran a liar / falling out with her step gran rather than admit the truth to her mum and step dad over having a boy over which her mum / stepdad didnt allow when she was 16.. Then there was an affair with an engaged man just before we met ! - I downplayed this in my head..
Sounds like your WW had a messed up child hood as well ( my WW did - dad had an affair and hardly saw her )
Do the research - you can't fix your wife - I actually don't think anybody can. These are the type of women you just run from and don't look back... And if you are still around this board in 12 months, i'm pretty sure you will realise that you are actually in a better place than you were 3 years ago.
I guess the problem with her lying has been going on for a little longer than I would be willing to admit to myself
You touched on something here that ive mentioned to other people, but didnt mention in my post to you yesterday when i was saying run run run.
You are still in the LBS fog IMO.. You see some things clearer, but theres a long way to go... Once you do drop that rope, you may actually start to think "what was i thinking"...
I'm willing to bet there were a lot of red flags along the way, which started pretty much when you met. The problem is, you only see the good in the person and ignore / are oblivious to them little flashes of "hmmmm"... As Ginger put it, there probably ( even unintentionally ) but rescuer dynamic in there.. Maybe some Nice guy syndrome... Either way, as the next few months unfold i suspect you will start to look back and think about all the little bread crumbs that led to this car crash.. They were always there, but you, like so many other LBS were oblivious to them..
I am 100% guilty of this, and if you read my initial post i play down a lot of my WW lies and manipulation.. My focus was "magic bullet to fix this" - fast forward 4 months and my focus was myself - often thinking how the hell did i not see what she was like.. I found out my ex lied a lot within the first few months, even calling her step gran a liar / falling out with her step gran rather than admit the truth to her mum and step dad over having a boy over which her mum / stepdad didnt allow when she was 16.. Then there was an affair with an engaged man just before we met ! - I downplayed this in my head..
Sounds like your WW had a messed up child hood as well ( my WW did - dad had an affair and hardly saw her )
Do the research - you can't fix your wife - I actually don't think anybody can. These are the type of women you just run from and don't look back... And if you are still around this board in 12 months, i'm pretty sure you will realise that you are actually in a better place than you were 3 years ago.
It’s honestly scary. And very hard to admit too. But as I’ve thought about everything for the last few months I’ve seen the flags. Honestly,I think subconsciously I always knew. However, I wanted to think I was special and there’s no way she’d do those things to me. Because I was her husband. I was her partner. I was her teammate. But even than, deep down, I knew. It was just easier to think I was. She wouldn’t lie to me the way she did to others. She wouldn’t use and abuse me the way she did others. And it was easy to ignore because of how beautiful she was to me. How loving she was to me. And I think to this very day...I still struggle. Like are you really this wolf in sheep’s clothing? Are you doing this to hurt me and send a message? Does that make sense. I’m gonna read up on your sitch tonight. I appreciate you letting me know you made the same mistakes. Makes it easier to swallow.
Would anyone have an objection to me posting my D15 letter about the abuse she faced?
When we are young, we look more to how people treat us and how they make us feel. If a woman makes you feel like a king you don’t think twice about the way she treats others. We are generally selfish human beings when we are young. As long as we are treated so well and we can be their hero, who cares?!
As I’ve gotten older when I date the most important thing aside from how a guy treats me is how he treats others, including family, friends, store clerks, wait staff, etc. it’s says a whole lot about a persons character. It is actually very very very important to me in a mate, now that I’m older. And by older I am a few years older than you. I will be 40 in less than 2 weeks. I feel so strongly about it, I have instilled in my daughter when she chooses friends .
But do we know all of this when we are so young. Nah. We all wish we go back in time and realize this stuff. My ex left me For another woman when was 27 and our baby was 6 months old. I knew he was capable of horrible things, but I never thought as dirty as he did me . But I thought I was the one who rescued him from his bad traits and habits and he chose me and loved me and wouldn’t do the same to me. WRONG!
It’s some hard truths to face for sure. But you’ll only grow from it. And really begin to let you see the truth without rose colored glasses
Hi Joseph, my only cautions are the obvious--be wary quoting it if your D15 or ex-wife has the text of the letter and may use it to Google this thread, or if it contains confidential info and your ex-wife may otherwise find this thread e.g. based on texts of hers that you shared verbatim earlier.
Ginger it’s funny you say that. I always treated waiters and waitress with kindness and respect, and she always acted cold and like they were beneath them. It always bothered me. But eventually she stopped doing it around me for the most part. Still occasionally she’d slip and I’d notice.
CW, if I’m being 100% she has the letters. I saved them to my ICloud and she broke into it and got em. I’ve quoted enough texts, and my user name to her would be a flat dead give away to who I am. Honestly...she’s to egotistical to do anything like that about me. She’s absolutely search for herself, but nothing on me. Plus she would never ever ever assume I’d join a website like this. Honestly me being here is so out of character it’s not funny. I always kept my issues in house and never talked about my feelings. I use to be incredibly introverted. But having the kids and them needing a strong presence has absolutely changed me to the core that way.
I meant the content of the letter. It’s mildy disturbing. I’ll go ahead and post some. If it’s too much a mod can delete it.
Alright, I had to type that out because apparently my phone wasn't copy the PDF i scanned into my phone. Anyway, I did edit names, and the gas station, If this to much..than a mod can definitely delete it. I hope this helps some, helps see why it seems like i've lost my head or cool sometimes. This is why I get so triggered when it comes to D15, I want to stop talking to my W, I don't want anything to do with her. I want everything handled thru my ATTY's. I hope this helps you guys understand why a little better.
And yes, knowing all this, I still did talk to her yesterday. And it was "lighthearted", I can't stress enough how little I care about what she says or does to me, but I can't allow this around my kids, I can't allow her to have any access to my children. This is D15 letter. There are still 4 more, but this will show you guys enough of what they have dealt with.
And yes everyone is in counselling.
J,
Man that was tough and painful to read and my heart truly goes out to your children. So am I reading this correctly that for 3-4 years your daughter was getting her face slammed into the wall and you were unaware of what was going on? You being her best friend and confidant and she never confided in you? There were no bruises or black eyes or bloody noses?
Before I jump to conclusions Joseph I will give you a chance to explain.
When was this letter written?
J,
Man that was tough and painful to read and my heart truly goes out to your children. So am I reading this correctly that for 3-4 years your daughter was getting her face slammed into the wall and you were unaware of what was going on? You being her best friend and confidant and she never confided in you? There were no bruises or black eyes or bloody noses?
Before I jump to conclusions Joseph I will give you a chance to explain.
No, for 3 or 4 years she was being abused in various ways. The face slamming into the walls happened 3x. And no she didn’t confide in me. She was threatened if she did. And she was embarrassed it was happening to her. And yes she had bruises. But D15 has the coordination of a baby deer and falls down the stairs several times a month and still falls out of bed. So it’s not all that usual for her to have a mark on her unfortunately.
Also I worked before the W left 6pm to 6am. She was gone to school before I got home and I saw her for 10 mins after she got home. I don’t live close to where I work. We talked on the phone more than anything.
I’m gonna be frank with you. I’d like to know what you are insinuating before I just go conclusions.
Quite honestly I had the exact same thoughts . And any CPS worker, social worker, authorities are immediately going to ask the same things. Is it over the line for them? He asked something legit.
It’s awful what happened to your daughter and it went on for 3 years. The authorities would be negligent not to ask and probe deeply into that.
My heart goes out to your poor D15 and all your kids.
I see you edited your post to LH
Quite honestly I had the exact same thoughts . And any CPS worker, social worker, authorities are immediately going to ask the same things. Is it over the line for them? He asked something legit.
It’s awful what happened to your daughter and it went on for 3 years. The authorities would be negligent not to ask and probe deeply into that.
My heart goes out to your poor D15 and all your kids.
Yep and yet no one here is the authorities. You don’t think I’ve had to answer that question on several levels? You don’t already think i feel like a total failure as a father? This is a place for advice and support. I’m genuinely sorry I posted that. I’m genuinely hurt that after sitting on that and how shameful it makes me feel the 1st thing the first 2 people did was point out “what the authorities” would ask. There is a reason the recommendation was to strip her of her parental rights.
And yeah I did edit the last line.
Hi Joseph,
Wow--that's a lot to process!
J,
One thing you have to know that when you post here we are trying to help. Another thing you have to know about Ginger and I is that we are always looking out for the welfare of the kids in these situations. We both have young children ourselves. Sometimes with emotions running high the LBS doesn’t always do what’s in the best interest of the children. If you take away the emotion you can see it was a fair question to ask.
Now in our defense it’s clear that you have known this has been going on at least for a few weeks but you post conversations with your W laughing and joking like none of you his went on. This is why red flags are being waved.
I know this isn’t easy for you. I know letting go of your W is hard. I’ve had to go through it too after 24 years together. But for some off us on here the advice is always gonna be about the kids. They are the innocent bystanders.
Knowing what I know now if I were you I would cut of all contact, have the kids block her and file for divorce. If she ever hits rock bottom, gets help and improves you can cross that bridge when you come to it.
I’m really sorry you are going through this right now.
J,
One thing you have to know that when you post here we are trying to help. Another thing you have to know about Ginger and I is that we are always looking out for the welfare of the kids in these situations. We both have young children ourselves. Sometimes with emotions running high the LBS doesn’t always do what’s in the best interest of the children. If you take away the emotion you can see it was a fair question to ask.
Now in our defense it’s clear that you have known this has been going on at least for a few weeks but you post conversations with your W laughing and joking like none of you his went on. This is why red flags are being waved.
I know this isn’t easy for you. I know letting go of your W is hard. I’ve had to go through it too after 24 years together. But for some off us on here the advice is always gonna be about the kids. They are the innocent bystanders.
Knowing what I know now if I were you I would cut of all contact, have the kids block her and file for divorce. If she ever hits rock bottom, gets help and improves you can cross that bridge when you come to it.
I’m really sorry you are going through this right now.
LH19, I pray you never ever have to feel the way I do reading that letter. D15 is my pride and joy and I killed myself on the railroad to provide. Yes, I missed alot because I thought I could trust my W to take care of them while I worked my @$$ off.
I've mentioned quite a few times CYS was involved the moment I found out this was happening. I just didn't get as detailed as I did last night, because, I straight failed my children, and as a father it's shameful.
Letting go of my W isn't hard. Letting go of what I thought she was, the life I thought I built is what's hard. Letting go that this isn't all my fault for not seeing all the flags of her lying and manipulation and thinking not only was I special but her children too. We were nothing to her. I know that, I know that, but how do you accept something like that? How do you accept as a parent, you and your kids are nothing? With lots of counselling and support which we are all in. I liked coming here and posting because it gives me a sense of community to see others going through there sitchs and a sense of hope to see others that have gone through it, come out on the other side, and still are here to help.
And yes, I do post about my W, laughing and joking with her, why, because I stated yesterday, if I don't she goes after my kids and I can take whatever she's going to do until I can get full custody. Does it occasionally get to me, sure it does. Than I come here post, get a 2x4 and get back on track.
Have I asked what are the odds shes going to realize the damage she's done and get real help and fix things. yes I have, deep down i know the odds are zero. But I prayed to god she'd get help for what she did to my kids at the very least..deep down I know those odds are zero as well.
J,
I hope I never have to read a letter like that too. I'm sorry that you had to read it.
I have to be honest with you, your situation gets confusing at times. Your kids have your W blocked then they don't. They they unblock her and conversate with her. CYS is involved yet she's looking for 50/50 custody. It's hard to keep track sometimes.
One thing I will point out to you is like most LBS you are good at making up excuses to pursue. Let me give you some examples. You paid her car payment rationalizing your name is on it. Instead of calling the bank and explaining the situation and having your name removed. Calling and talking to her for your brother-Ina-law. BIL I appreciate your concern but now is not a good time for me to speak to her. Asking the odds of reconciliation at the request of your children. I'm just pointing this out to you because we see it all the time.
As for your children you did not fail them. Trust me it's hard for all of us including myself to believe that our not the same person we thought they were and you trusted her. That trust as been broken and its up to her to get it back. Until then if it ever happens, just be the rock for your children. If dad is ok then they will be ok.
We are hear to help and yes sometimes you are going to hear things you don't like but we do have compassion for you and your children.
J,
I hope I never have to read a letter like that too. I'm sorry that you had to read it.
I have to be honest with you, your situation gets confusing at times. Your kids have your W blocked then they don't. They they unblock her and conversate with her. CYS is involved yet she's looking for 50/50 custody. It's hard to keep track sometimes.
One thing I will point out to you is like most LBS you are good at making up excuses to pursue. Let me give you some examples. You paid her car payment rationalizing your name is on it. Instead of calling the bank and explaining the situation and having your name removed. Calling and talking to her for your brother-Ina-law. BIL I appreciate your concern but now is not a good time for me to speak to her. Asking the odds of reconciliation at the request of your children. I'm just pointing this out to you because we see it all the time.
As for your children you did not fail them. Trust me it's hard for all of us including myself to believe that our not the same person we thought they were and you trusted her. That trust as been broken and its up to her to get it back. Until then if it ever happens, just be the rock for your children. If dad is ok then they will be ok.
We are hear to help and yes sometimes you are going to hear things you don't like but we do have compassion for you and your children.
I know it’s confusing trust me. Ok, her whole defense to what my kids have said is...I put it in their head. They have made everything up and I have brain washed them. I wanted her blocked. But I couldn’t tell them that or her defense had merit. All I could do is let them block her. She would then text me and complain and than accuse me of getting in the way of her being able to communicate with her kids. That’s a huge no no in a custody battle. So yes it was back and forth. However, once D15 had her eval Monday and CYS got his report than D15 “extreme mental injury” was confirmed. His report can be used as official evidence. In other words her defense went right out the window. I hope that clears things up that way.
As far as me talking to her for my BIL, I have no excuse other than I’m a complete idiot and was easily manipulated. He was concerned she was going to hurt herself. I had a plan to tell her to call a hospital or a suicide hotline. I did not follow through on my plan and I take full responsibility for that. I failed there.
The car payment I didn’t know how to pay, but yes easily figured it out once I realized I didn’t need anything but the last 4 of my ss number with the automated system. Otherwise I could not get a hold of a live person and was instructed to leave a msg and someone would call back. Again, I half rear ended that.
As far as further communication with anyone on her side of the family I’m going to cut that off. It’s in my best interest. And I’m going to be selfish about it
I know I didn’t fail them. I know this isn’t my fault. I do, but when I read all 5 of those letters. When CYS asks how did you not know? When the therapist asks the same and you have to admit because your career is so demanding you don’t have a choice but to focus 100% on that or you could totally screw everyone. It’s hard. I have a high school diploma. I make over 6 figures a year. That just doesn’t happen. And if I lose this job, my income and my families “quality of life” will massively suffer. So when you and ginger asked, I had already been put through the ringer. Already got the looks of shame. It just brought that shame back.
If I’m being honest, 100% honest, I don’t want her back. But I was scared she was gonna bat her eyes. Tell everyone she was abused, I was the monster and play the victim right into her getting custody and me never seeing my kids. Everyone else believed it. Why wouldn’t a judge.
I hope she does get help. I hope she fixes herself. But until the kids are 18 she will not be apart of their lives. After they are adults I will support whatever they choose. Until than no. I personally won’t ever trust her again. I want out. I just want to live in peace with my kids without her.
I hope everyone has a great holiday weekend and I hope everyone has great weather and gets to enjoy their families. I’m not gonna post for a few days I’m gonna enjoy my kids. So unless something catastrophic in my sitch happens I’ll talk to you all next week!
Joseph, have you ever heard of Nice Guy Syndrome? You may want to pick up the book, No More Mr. Nice Guy.
Joseph, have you ever heard of Nice Guy Syndrome? You may want to pick up the book, No More Mr. Nice Guy.
It’s been mentioned several times in my thread so I looked it up. Maybe I just not self aware enough to realize I have that issue. I did look up the book and I’ll check it out.
I decided to share something I wrote this morning before I went to sleep.
I use to stay up wondering why me? My life, my dreams, consumed with despair. Every breath was for her. Every moment was in her name. Every hard night at work, every tired day at home. My love for her consumed me. I valued my communion. I honored my vows. So why god, why has my marriage been forsaken.
I cried out loud, I whispered softly, I thought loudly, and I prayed constantly. The abandonment crept into my mind, my heart and my very soul. Every corner was dark. Every room was dim. I held church in my car, I held conversations, we knew each other. I’ve never denied you. Why have you left me.
Seconds, turned to minutes, minutes to hours, hours to days, day to weeks, weeks into months.
God listened. He has not forsaken me. He had not forsaken my marriage. He had not left me to wilt, he left me to learn. To stand up. To see what is important.
My father in heaven must have seen enough. He knew my heart, my mind, my soul. I was a beaten, battered, but not broken.
God whispered back, not only was I learning to stand. Not only was I learning to heal from a wound so deep, I thought my spirit would never mend, my children, my blood, they were learning. They were mending, they were standing. It started with my oldest daughter. She whispered with her smile. She gleefully walked the earth. A burden gone. She was whole. My son, my boy, the man I wanted him to be, was coming out. His smile wide, his heart pure, his feeling of his own darkness gone. Then my sweet 12 year old. She stood proud. Her shoulders light and firm. Her anger gone, her confusion lifted. My 11 year old. She was no longer shy. She was no longer in hiding. She was dancing, singing, playing. She had her joy. Than my baby. She grew, no longer self centered, but caring, out going, helpful, and loving to all.
I noticed my children were better. My children were happier. They were lighter.
See god hasn’t forsaken my marriage. I wasn’t left to wilt, to suffer. It was never about me. I had to take my pain to lift my true beloveds. I had to learn my love for my soulmate was unwarranted. The crown I placed on her head were horns. My true love were the 5 souls that bring me more joy, peace, and harmony than any thing.
God removed the devil out of my life. God removed the accuser out of my children’s heart mind and soul.
My wife, though, beautiful, skin like the lamb spoke about me with a fork tongue. She struck my family down, my very children with her own hands.
God whispered all of this, god spoke to me, not only one to one but through my children. They had found their strength. They found their ground to tell me their story. Their truths.
My son, S17 has spent years in hiding. Not because he was depressed because he was a teenager. But because my partner in life struck him. Hit him at her whim. Slapped him in the face, and told him he was worthless.
My dearest D15, endured torture. From being told to kill herself, from lies that she’ll be nothing more than a worthless drug addict who will sell herself, to being told she was ugly, to having her faced and head slammed into a wall.
My little D12, was threatened, and watched. She leaned to survive by becoming a chameleon. She stayed out of the way and had to live with hearing the very hand that birthed her slap her big brother.
D11, my out going dancer. My little lady, the kindness gentlest person, she was quite. She was the magician. She just disappeared when my wife was around.
And my little D8. Always stood up for her mom. Always loved her mom, held her hand and refused to grow up. Completely out of fear. If she was still a sweet little baby, she knew she was safe.
God thank you for opening my eyes. Thank you for intervening. Thank you for your grace you have touched my family with. You have my word as a man, as your son, the gift you’ve given me, the knowledge you’ve laid on me, i will always be grateful for. I will protect my children. They will know nothing but love. They will be cherished. They will be allowed to be themselves. They are my true loves and they deserve the crown I placed on that ugly hearted woman’s head.
I humbly ask for one more thing. Please forgive me. Forgive me for being blind. For being too tired to notice. For believing my wife could do no wrong. Please forgive me for not seeing this abuse until you stepped in. I know you will, but I must say it to you. I’m sorry. I’m truly sorry. Yet thank you, thank you for being there when I was to weak. Thank you for removing that demon from our lives. I am eternally grateful for the worst moment of my life, because it was the true beginning of the best part of my life.
Stand strong there Joseph.
Stand for your kids.
Not a single step back.
RESPECT!
Joseph, have you ever heard of Nice Guy Syndrome? You may want to pick up the book, No More Mr. Nice Guy.
It’s been mentioned several times in my thread so I looked it up. Maybe I just not self aware enough to realize I have that issue. I did look up the book and I’ll check it out.
I'm seeing some tendencies.
Also, Christians tend to struggle with NGS.
Had a freaking awesome day today. My D15 has me laughing so damn hard. Seriously she may be the funniest person I’ve ever met. Between her telling me she’s about to go ham over a song and me smashing my thumb on a tension pulley and her saying, smack that’s a dab and a half...kid is hilarious. She makes everything better.
Steve, I’m gonna check out the book. Can’t hurt. I have no idea if I have that issue or not, but it can’t hurt to have an open mind.
Haven’t heard from the W in a few and god does that help keep me sane and centered. Loving life today. And as D15 would say, just gotta keep the positive vibes going.
Everyone have a safe and happy holiday tomorrow!
Had a wonderful Memorial Day. I hope everyone else did too. Took the kids swimming, to a BBQ there were fireworks and good music. Everyone seemed to have a legit blast.
Journaling
I still haven’t heard from the W. Saturday every kid unblocked their mom. They wanted to see if she was still trying to contact them. I told them I was hesitant to ok it because if she was I didn’t know if they would be sympathetic to her. Well she was still contacting them. They didn’t take it that way, they just said yep and all re-blocked her except D8 who had ask to keep her unblocked. Hasn’t matter...yet. W texted D8 at 945pm, said I was just calling to say goodnight. Phone never rang, but D8 texted back I wasn’t home. W read it and didn’t respond.
I realized we are coming up to a month since anyone has seen her. 4 kids haven’t seen her since Easter D8 since April 30th. Though I only know that because it was the day after she was fired.
Did get up and felt a little anxious to contact her. I do miss her today. That’s ok though. I was able to say to myself what will it accomplish to say anything? What’s the real point? She’s in another relationship with someone else, and seems happy. So what’s is your goal by saying anything? There is no reason, well no good one except to temporarily placate an emotion that’ll pass. So I’ll hold off.
Well time to get up and get moving for the day.
Had a wonderful Memorial Day. I hope everyone else did too. Took the kids swimming, to a BBQ there were fireworks and good music. Everyone seemed to have a legit blast.
Journaling
I still haven’t heard from the W. Saturday every kid unblocked their mom. They wanted to see if she was still trying to contact them. I told them I was hesitant to ok it because if she was I didn’t know if they would be sympathetic to her. Well she was still contacting them. They didn’t take it that way, they just said yep and all re-blocked her except D8 who had ask to keep her unblocked. Hasn’t matter...yet. W texted D8 at 945pm, said I was just calling to say goodnight. Phone never rang, but D8 texted back I wasn’t home. W read it and didn’t respond.
I realized we are coming up to a month since anyone has seen her. 4 kids haven’t seen her since Easter D8 since April 30th. Though I only know that because it was the day after she was fired.
Did get up and felt a little anxious to contact her. I do miss her today. That’s ok though. I was able to say to myself what will it accomplish to say anything? What’s the real point? She’s in another relationship with someone else, and seems happy. So what’s is your goal by saying anything? There is no reason, well no good one except to temporarily placate an emotion that’ll pass. So I’ll hold off.
Well time to get up and get moving for the day.
I get that... its like when I get a text or a missed call from H. Or we have some banter back and forth. I suddenly calm down.
I get it.... I just got my fix like a freaking drug addict.
I'm recognizing that. H called this am at 7:30 -- I didn't answer. He also did not leave a text a message. Why did he contact?
Am I calm about it because I just got my "fix"? I'm sitting really doing the hard work - making myself dig deep. Am I cool about it because I'm just ready to be done being his doormat... that i will not except friendship and I know my worth??? OR, am I calm because after 48hr of not hearing from him... he clearly is still tied to me and contacting... therefore I have appeased my anxiety with his attempt to contact.
I don't know if I have the answer to that yet. But, I do feel good that I let him know by not answering that I am in control of myself... and my path.
Stay the course. Take it a day at a time and then suddenly you have accomplished a week.
Peace and Love
Even if she wasn’t in a relationship with another man, she abused all your kids and physically abused not one, but 2 of them, based upon the account you gave. All you have to do is think of that when you miss her. It should do the trick.
I hope to god she never gets the chance to abuse any of those kids again
Even if she wasn’t in a relationship with another man, she abused all your kids and physically abused not one, but 2 of them, based upon the account you gave. All you have to do is think of that when you miss her. It should do the trick.
I hope to god she never gets the chance to abuse any of those kids again
Great point here, JosephS. Listen to Ginger. We all come here wanting a chance at R. But the truth is that not all sitches should result in R! Your sitch sounds like that is where it should be categorized. Unless your STBXW were to agree to serious therapy and to do a LOT of work that she is probably unwilling to do, I do not see why you would even consider taking her back.
We had another poster here a while back. Whose WW was especially toxic and deep into addiction. While she wasn't guilty of abuse, she was guilty of gross neglect of their 2 daughters. While he loved her and at first felt a compulsion to try to "save" her, he soon realized that her deficiencies required more than she would ever require of herself, so he made the decision to move the D forward himself. Believe it or not, that is sometimes the right way forward. DBing requires that you not only focus on you, but that you require more than a "I have no where else to go" from your walkaway. If she were to come to you today and want to come back with no other changes, you would be nuttier than a squirrel to just allow her to waltz back.
Even if she wasn’t in a relationship with another man, she abused all your kids and physically abused not one, but 2 of them, based upon the account you gave. All you have to do is think of that when you miss her. It should do the trick.
I hope to god she never gets the chance to abuse any of those kids again
Well you certainly aren’t wrong. And no she won’t. My kids are in summer mode so, while I’m up at 8am I find myself alone for a couple of hours in the morning. We still haven’t moved, so I see stuff and it reminds me of her. The “good” her if that makes sense? The woman I remember from years ago before she lost her mind. It’s a moment of weakness that passes. But it helps me to type it out here instead of typing something out to her. I do really appreciate you continuing to follow my sitch and give your advice and comments. You always speak the truth and have always made sure I stay on a straight path even if I don’t wanna hear it.
Even if she wasn’t in a relationship with another man, she abused all your kids and physically abused not one, but 2 of them, based upon the account you gave. All you have to do is think of that when you miss her. It should do the trick.
I hope to god she never gets the chance to abuse any of those kids again
Great point here, JosephS. Listen to Ginger. We all come here wanting a chance at R. But the truth is that not all sitches should result in R! Your sitch sounds like that is where it should be categorized. Unless your STBXW were to agree to serious therapy and to do a LOT of work that she is probably unwilling to do, I do not see why you would even consider taking her back.
We had another poster here a while back. Whose WW was especially toxic and deep into addiction. While she wasn't guilty of abuse, she was guilty of gross neglect of their 2 daughters. While he loved her and at first felt a compulsion to try to "save" her, he soon realized that her deficiencies required more than she would ever require of herself, so he made the decision to move the D forward himself. Believe it or not, that is sometimes the right way forward. DBing requires that you not only focus on you, but that you require more than a "I have no where else to go" from your walkaway. If she were to come to you today and want to come back with no other changes, you would be nuttier than a squirrel to just allow her to waltz back.
No she’s not coming back. I don’t think she’ll try again. Maybe she will idk, doesn’t matter. Plus I truly believe she’s is charming enough and sociopathic enough that even if she got therapy it wouldn’t matter. I think she’s say or do whatever it took to get through whatever therapy she’s in. And she’d only go to appease herself that all of this is made up and she’s the victim. It’s scary what a pretty face that can cry on demand and have so much conviction about her own lies can really do to people. But she is narcissistic enough that she’ll never get help, and I really believe she believes we are all in the wrong and she’s in the right.
Just a bad morning with anxiety and her. Nothing I can’t handle or work through without contacting her.
Had a wonderful Memorial Day. I hope everyone else did too. Took the kids swimming, to a BBQ there were fireworks and good music. Everyone seemed to have a legit blast.
Journaling
I still haven’t heard from the W. Saturday every kid unblocked their mom. They wanted to see if she was still trying to contact them. I told them I was hesitant to ok it because if she was I didn’t know if they would be sympathetic to her. Well she was still contacting them. They didn’t take it that way, they just said yep and all re-blocked her except D8 who had ask to keep her unblocked. Hasn’t matter...yet. W texted D8 at 945pm, said I was just calling to say goodnight. Phone never rang, but D8 texted back I wasn’t home. W read it and didn’t respond.
I realized we are coming up to a month since anyone has seen her. 4 kids haven’t seen her since Easter D8 since April 30th. Though I only know that because it was the day after she was fired.
Did get up and felt a little anxious to contact her. I do miss her today. That’s ok though. I was able to say to myself what will it accomplish to say anything? What’s the real point? She’s in another relationship with someone else, and seems happy. So what’s is your goal by saying anything? There is no reason, well no good one except to temporarily placate an emotion that’ll pass. So I’ll hold off.
Well time to get up and get moving for the day.
I get that... its like when I get a text or a missed call from H. Or we have some banter back and forth. I suddenly calm down.
I get it.... I just got my fix like a freaking drug addict.
I'm recognizing that. H called this am at 7:30 -- I didn't answer. He also did not leave a text a message. Why did he contact?
Am I calm about it because I just got my "fix"? I'm sitting really doing the hard work - making myself dig deep. Am I cool about it because I'm just ready to be done being his doormat... that i will not except friendship and I know my worth??? OR, am I calm because after 48hr of not hearing from him... he clearly is still tied to me and contacting... therefore I have appeased my anxiety with his attempt to contact.
I don't know if I have the answer to that yet. But, I do feel good that I let him know by not answering that I am in control of myself... and my path.
Stay the course. Take it a day at a time and then suddenly you have accomplished a week.
Peace and Love
What helps me KC is finding new things I enjoy. Making plans to do things I’ve never done or wouldn’t have done with the W. I don’t particularly like doing things we’ve done before because it just reminds me of her or makes me wish she was there. The only exception is riding my motorcycle. But even that I switched up. I always rode a cruiser because that’s what’s the W liked. I always wanted a Ninja. So when I close I’m trading my bike in for one.
I’m officially at the longest I’ve been with no talking or texting. I’ll get through it. And I know you will too!!
Well the W emailed today saying she needed some paperwork. Before I respond I wanted to check in on here. My initial reaction was this is all bs, but wanted to get a 2nd opinion. She says she needs a copy of her GED because a prospective employer needs a copy of it as they can’t seem to verify she has one. (I have a hard time believing this) and than she needs her 2018 and 2019 W2s because the same prospective employer can’t seem to verify her hire and fire date from her previous employer because “HR isn’t in” and only came into fire her due to COVID. I don’t believe any of this.
It’s been about 3 hours since she emailed. I know where the W2s are but I have no clue where the GED is. However I don’t see what a W2 is gonna show that a transcript won’t and she can get that online herself. Plus verifying a GED shouldn’t be an issue. But idk. What do you guys think
I'd send her the documents with no further commentary. I don't think it serves you to withhold financial documents from her.
-Spiral
I've done some hiring albiet a few years ago and with a recruiter doing most of document handling and verifying. My take is that it could be legit, however it is suspicious. Places like warehouse jobs, cashiers, call centers or other jobs people can get with limited education seemingly go through a more intense verification process to cut down on turnover. W2s is suspicious in that they can see her previous pay. The documents she's requesting could also be used to open a bank account, couldnt they? Make sure your finances are safe if you are going to get the documents over to her.
If they're her documents, I'd send across whichever ones you can easily find and not worry about her motives. Your ex lies often. There's a good chance she's lying now, but they're her documents. ::shrug::
I wouldn't go to great lengths to find anything for her, though.
I've done some hiring albiet a few years ago and with a recruiter doing most of document handling and verifying. My take is that it could be legit, however it is suspicious. Places like warehouse jobs, cashiers, call centers or other jobs people can get with limited education seemingly go through a more intense verification process to cut down on turnover. W2s is suspicious in that they can see her previous pay. The documents she's requesting could also be used to open a bank account, couldnt they? Make sure your finances are safe if you are going to get the documents over to her.
I appreciate the reply. She says she can’t get her last pay stub because it was on the company’s intranet. She actually has her own account and had for years. Honestly the first thing that went thru my head was she was gonna file our federal taxes and pocket everything since she’s unemployed.
If they're her documents, I'd send across whichever ones you can easily find and not worry about her motives. Your ex lies often. There's a good chance she's lying now, but they're her documents. ::shrug::
I wouldn't go to great lengths to find anything for her, though.
I did send her an email, attached the last 2 years W2s and the body of the email just said can’t find your GED, anywhere you can think it may be let me know.
Tonight I talked to my best friend on the phone. Told him exactly how i have I been feeling. He’s a good dude. Was with the same woman for 10 plus years. Came home and his girl was gone. So he has an idea of how I’m feeling. He’s reminded me I owe her nothing and to stop seeing her for the next month and dont talk to her
What’s the big deal if you send her these documents? No words need to be exchanged. Her GED is hers, she should have a copy.
I am a registered nurse, and my license is verifiable on line. I got a second job and they wanted the hard copy. Verifying it online wasn’t enough. One of my prospective employers also wanted my W2 from my current job.
She just needs some documents
I cant find her GED, and as far as the W2s as I said, with her being unemployed, my concern was her taking the tax return and not splitting it. My W2s will automatically load to turbo tax, hers won’t. I don’t think her GED is here and I’m 99% sure it was with her when she left. And I made myself a promise I wouldn’t see her or have contact for a month. I needed to do that for myself. And because nothing is ever that simple with her I thought what else is this gonna turn into. I did end up sending her an email with the W2s attached, and just said I can’t find the GED.
Her reply, well it sucked to read this morning.
Thank you so much for doing that for me. I’m glad you replied. I wasn’t sure if you would. I really miss you. I think about you all the time, and when I saw your email and your name it made me smile. I really wanna talk to you. It’d be nice to hear your voice. How you are doing honey? How are the kids doing? Tell everyone I love them and miss them. And I love you too Joe. And she signed it always.
Wasn’t fun to read that.
Thank you so much for doing that for me. I’m glad you replied. I wasn’t sure if you would. I really miss you. I think about you all the time, and when I saw your email and your name it made me smile. I really wanna talk to you. It’d be nice to hear your voice. How you are doing honey? How are the kids doing? Tell everyone I love them and miss them. And I love you too Joe..
She’s a piece of work...
Total loon.
Ignore and enjoy the rest of your day.
My suggestion is find anything in the house that is hers, or info she is entitled to, send it to her with no conversation. Eliminate as much as you can. It’ll bring you less communication and more peace
I cant find her GED, and as far as the W2s as I said, with her being unemployed, my concern was her taking the tax return and not splitting it. My W2s will automatically load to turbo tax, hers won’t. I don’t think her GED is here and I’m 99% sure it was with her when she left. And I made myself a promise I wouldn’t see her or have contact for a month. I needed to do that for myself. And because nothing is ever that simple with her I thought what else is this gonna turn into. I did end up sending her an email with the W2s attached, and just said I can’t find the GED.
Her reply, well it sucked to read this morning.
Thank you so much for doing that for me. I’m glad you replied. I wasn’t sure if you would. I really miss you. I think about you all the time, and when I saw your email and your name it made me smile. I really wanna talk to you. It’d be nice to hear your voice. How you are doing honey? How are the kids doing? Tell everyone I love them and miss them. And I love you too Joe. And she signed it always.
Wasn’t fun to read that.
Wow, she is manipulative.
Ginger is right. She is an adult. If and when she needs things she can ask. Stop being her husband.
"How are you doing honey?" PUKE
I know she’s a loon. Still sucked to read it. And I just knew there wasn’t anyway that wasn’t a set up. And I “knew” she had her GED, and like an idiot I looked anyway.
I honestly can’t think of anything else she would need. We agreed to do the taxes together 1st week of July. I literally cleaned house of anything that was hers outside of her W2s. I mean I guess she could need the marriage certificate for something. Or make something that she needs it for. But idk.
I think the issue is even if she has it in her possession she’ll just make it up that she doesn’t
Her reply, well it sucked to read this morning.
Thank you so much for doing that for me. I’m glad you replied. I wasn’t sure if you would. I really miss you. I think about you all the time, and when I saw your email and your name it made me smile. I really wanna talk to you. It’d be nice to hear your voice. How you are doing honey? How are the kids doing? Tell everyone I love them and miss them. And I love you too Joe. And she signed it always.
Wasn’t fun to read that.
JS, thats hard to read, I can't imagine. If I read that, I'd be spinning. Its easier on the outside and here's the outside perspective...what she's doing sounds beyond manipulative. There is no way she turned around so quickly. She felt you disconnect from her and wants to keep you as a plan b, as someone to garner attention from. She's all about her meeds right now.
Reading it in your shoes, it sounds great, almost what you want to hear, right? Notice all the "I" statements. Its still all about what she wants. She showed zero remorse for her actions, for hurting you or the kids and showed no thought about what you may want or be feeling after all the recent events.
It sounds like you know not to lean in. Which is ideal. Its exactly what she wants.
I know she’s a loon. Still sucked to read it. And I just knew there wasn’t anyway that wasn’t a set up. And I “knew” she had her GED, and like an idiot I looked anyway.
I honestly can’t think of anything else she would need. We agreed to do the taxes together 1st week of July. I literally cleaned house of anything that was hers outside of her W2s. I mean I guess she could need the marriage certificate for something. Or make something that she needs it for. But idk.
I think the issue is even if she has it in her possession she’ll just make it up that she doesn’t
You really need to go NC hardcore. You have custody so there is no need to reach out to her, ever. Unless one of the kids is in the hospital. So just stop all contact. If she contacts you follow these rules:
If she calls, let it go to VM. If it is important she will text or leave a VM. When she texts or emails, do not respond if it is informational. No response necessary. If she asks a direct question, answer it in your own time (NOT right away), but in as few words as possible. No small talk, greetings or closing goodbyes: "Good to hear from you." things like that are no-nos. Stick to business. Yes or no questions get a yes or no answer.
Did you respond to the email you quoted?
Core, normally I would be spinning. I was just prepared this time. Her reasoning for needed the documents sent a huge red flag up to me. So I was on alert. It did still suck to read, but I’m aware they’re hollow words that mean nothing. And as ginger would tell me, doesn’t change what she did to the kids
Steve, I really thought not responding was the correct call. But a few people yesterday evening said it wasn’t a big deal just to send them. So I did. Well sent what I could find. I didn’t exactly kill myself looking for GED, 1 cause I didn’t feel like it and 2 because I would have swore she had it. And no, I didn’t respond to her reply and I won’t. No point in it.
My ex boyfriend and his ex wife had a very difficult and messy divorce with a very young kid involved. They exchange the child at the police station, only communicated via “my family wizard” which is court submissable and came to resolutions regarding their child with an parent coordinator who can be included when needed in the my family wizard app It left all of the other “stuff” that can get cloudy out. Sadly enough, it became necessary
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