BPD WW in affair- Not sure what to do - 10/01/19 03:33 PM
This is the first time I have reached out to a community for help in regards to my situation so please bear with me and accept my apologies if it becomes a ramble.
We have been married 5 years this October. We began having problems around the beginning May 2019 with my wife not coming home after work, staying with "friends" because she drank too much, etc. I stood my ground and said that this will not be tolerated and we continued to live together for a few weeks. We had a huge blowout in regards to our intimacy and lack thereof. I was under extreme pressure from work, coupled with the problems in the marriage. On May 5th (cinco de mayo) I had quite a few margaritas at dinner and we got into an argument on the way home. Once home I drank more (bad idea) and left the house. I wound up getting into an accident, totaling my truck, charged with DUI and arrested. Once I got out I came home and obviously she was upset with my actions. I nearly killed myself over drinking to escape our problems. A few days later I found out that she was house hunting and had purchased a trailer by her mothers about 45 minutes away from our current home. I became enraged again because she had not told me this and I had no clue she was working on an exit from the home. We finally settled down and agreed to a 6 month separation so that I could work on my issues with alcohol and other vices which were causing problems. I helped her get settled into the new place and helped to move things from the home that we weren't using so she could have them there etc. In this time we never truly "separated" in the sense of the word. She would still come home and stay the night etc. I made changes in my behavior and started seeing our counselor on an individual basis to work on my issues. I am happy to say that in the last 5 months I have made great strides and been sober since. I also drastically changed the way I treated my wife when she was around, to show that I was making honest changes in myself to benefit us all. (We have a 5 year old daughter)
Fast forward a little. I had been communicating with our counselor and he began to press issues and ask questions in regards to how I would deal with infidelity, divorce etc. After much probing he eventually broke down and told me that she was involved in an affair with someone from her work. They had been seeing each other the entire time and even before the agreed trial separation.It basically broke down to the time frame our intimacy fell apart while still living together and before the accident. He stated that it was a physical affair and that she admitted to him that she did not see a future with the AP. While all of this is going on, I had suspicions that something was going on, we have been together nearly 8 years. I know when something is not right. I decided to just let it burn itself and see where it goes. She continued to come around home, stay the night etc and then the next night be with the AP. I finally got my fill of this and confronted her with the evidence I had of the affair and demanded that she stop and work on the marriage or I would file. She adamantly denies the affair taking place, even know in the light of everything. Tells me I am crazy, people are telling me things to start stuff etc. Basic projection and gas lighting traits associated with someone with BPD.She refuses to take medication as in her own words, "it makes me feel weird and if I took it I would just come back home." and I don't want to make a decision based upon medication (even though she NEEDS it) So after not seeing her a few days we began texting again, arguing about the lies shes told etc. Finally I told her that I cannot do this anymore and that if she would not accept her responsibility for her actions then I would file. She said "thats fine" So yesterday I filed although I didn't really want to. I still love her and want to help her with her mental issues but I feel like shes really forcing my hand and trying to control me and the relationship. As a typical BPD relationship, when its good its great and when its bad its REAL bad.
Obviously I want to save the marriage or I wouldn't be here. I filed to take control of the situation and set a clear boundary that her behavior will not be accepted. Have I gone too far? She has not been served yet and I don't want to tell them NOT to serve her because it clearly shows weakness on my part and not following through on the boundary I set. I am so confused, hurt and do not know what to do or how to approach this situation. I hope that someone here and give me a little insight.
Thanks and sorry again, as I look back this was WAY too long for an opening thread. My apologies.
We have been married 5 years this October. We began having problems around the beginning May 2019 with my wife not coming home after work, staying with "friends" because she drank too much, etc. I stood my ground and said that this will not be tolerated and we continued to live together for a few weeks. We had a huge blowout in regards to our intimacy and lack thereof. I was under extreme pressure from work, coupled with the problems in the marriage. On May 5th (cinco de mayo) I had quite a few margaritas at dinner and we got into an argument on the way home. Once home I drank more (bad idea) and left the house. I wound up getting into an accident, totaling my truck, charged with DUI and arrested. Once I got out I came home and obviously she was upset with my actions. I nearly killed myself over drinking to escape our problems. A few days later I found out that she was house hunting and had purchased a trailer by her mothers about 45 minutes away from our current home. I became enraged again because she had not told me this and I had no clue she was working on an exit from the home. We finally settled down and agreed to a 6 month separation so that I could work on my issues with alcohol and other vices which were causing problems. I helped her get settled into the new place and helped to move things from the home that we weren't using so she could have them there etc. In this time we never truly "separated" in the sense of the word. She would still come home and stay the night etc. I made changes in my behavior and started seeing our counselor on an individual basis to work on my issues. I am happy to say that in the last 5 months I have made great strides and been sober since. I also drastically changed the way I treated my wife when she was around, to show that I was making honest changes in myself to benefit us all. (We have a 5 year old daughter)
Fast forward a little. I had been communicating with our counselor and he began to press issues and ask questions in regards to how I would deal with infidelity, divorce etc. After much probing he eventually broke down and told me that she was involved in an affair with someone from her work. They had been seeing each other the entire time and even before the agreed trial separation.It basically broke down to the time frame our intimacy fell apart while still living together and before the accident. He stated that it was a physical affair and that she admitted to him that she did not see a future with the AP. While all of this is going on, I had suspicions that something was going on, we have been together nearly 8 years. I know when something is not right. I decided to just let it burn itself and see where it goes. She continued to come around home, stay the night etc and then the next night be with the AP. I finally got my fill of this and confronted her with the evidence I had of the affair and demanded that she stop and work on the marriage or I would file. She adamantly denies the affair taking place, even know in the light of everything. Tells me I am crazy, people are telling me things to start stuff etc. Basic projection and gas lighting traits associated with someone with BPD.She refuses to take medication as in her own words, "it makes me feel weird and if I took it I would just come back home." and I don't want to make a decision based upon medication (even though she NEEDS it) So after not seeing her a few days we began texting again, arguing about the lies shes told etc. Finally I told her that I cannot do this anymore and that if she would not accept her responsibility for her actions then I would file. She said "thats fine" So yesterday I filed although I didn't really want to. I still love her and want to help her with her mental issues but I feel like shes really forcing my hand and trying to control me and the relationship. As a typical BPD relationship, when its good its great and when its bad its REAL bad.
Obviously I want to save the marriage or I wouldn't be here. I filed to take control of the situation and set a clear boundary that her behavior will not be accepted. Have I gone too far? She has not been served yet and I don't want to tell them NOT to serve her because it clearly shows weakness on my part and not following through on the boundary I set. I am so confused, hurt and do not know what to do or how to approach this situation. I hope that someone here and give me a little insight.
Thanks and sorry again, as I look back this was WAY too long for an opening thread. My apologies.