New Member, Familiar Story - 01/03/19 03:11 PM
Hi de Folks, first time poster!
I've been reading some of the intro thread and see there is plenty more to read on the recommended links so will get busy reading them too.
Unfortunately I joined the ranks of the recently separated a few months ago, Here's a snapshot of the story:
08/20/2018 BD. I came home to find a letter from W(44) stating she wasn't happy, hasn't been for 5 years, wasn't attracted to me anymore and asking for a separation - Thing is I didn't have much choice in the situation as she had walked out that day leaving behind the letter and her wedding bands. I was completely blindsided and devastated. W went & stayed (and still is) with (Step) MIL but has also been doing a lot of intl travel to escape being there too.
I wrote W a letter that first week acknowledging her feelings, apologizing and owning up to my shortcomings in our relationship. At first she was grateful but then became angry with the letter saying if I knew of the shortcomings why didn't I do more about it then. (I'm thinking due to Complacency & not recognizing how bad things were.) I asked her to consider giving us a second chance but did not beg or threaten etc..
W left 2 weeks before we were booked to go on a Long Haul trip to my homeland to celebrate my 50th birthday with family & friends. W asked if I would like her to still join me on trip. I declined as it was just all to fresh and confusing. Basically my 50th Birthday was awful. I didn't want to see a lot of friends and family as I couldn't face the questions, pity, felt so embarrassed and I simply wasn't in a good state of mind. Just so hurt & confused.
I knew my personal life had been out of balance for some time. I had worked a helluva lot on building up my business and when not doing that renovating the house we purchased 8 years ago. The renovations were near complete & I had laid plans for post turning 50 to make major changes in my lifestyle, which I had started prior to W walking out & have continued post BD. I have gotten fit, lost some excess weight, eating well, drinking little and working a lot less which = de-stressing. I'm not in crisis & doing pretty well!
We don't have kids so that dynamic isn't present. We do have 15~ year old cats who we both adore and stayed with me at the house. I am motivated & dedicated to trying to save our marriage, but have the strength and clarity to move on with My life without her if the relationship can't be saved. I had asked a couple of times if there was OM & she has said no. I don't see any signs indicating she is lying but I'm open minded enough to understand there may be (or have been) someone else.
I sought out IC straight after BD, was going weekly & now fortnightly. This has been helpful and I'll continue. W is seeing IC too but from what I have read, her IC specialty is working people through separation and being an advocate of it (the therapist is on her 2nd marriage & I feel may project her personal opinion & thoughts onto clients)
I picked up DB book mid November but had already started applying some of the 180 techniques from reading other forums, books before learning of DB as a method. I haven't displayed any anger towards my W as I'm not angry, just incredibly disappointed.
W has moved very few items out of the house. Conversations shortly after leaving W was adamant there was no hope. Her feelings had been chipped away for too long. I've been applying the DB methods, GAL & having very little contact early on, not being the one to initiate conversation & being the one to end conversations etc.
The TG & Xmas holidays were lonely but I'm not one to wallow in self pity. Went out with some friends and just had fun on those days. I don't have any family in the USA and limited friends but working on GAL & meeting new people etc.
When I do W I don't open discussion on our R & I'm considerably more upbeat than I was prior to BD. I have changed & have an outwardly happy demeanor around her. A lot more like when we first met.
I'll keep on working on the principles and modify/adapt to what works.
My W wanted to have dinner with me last night & it was all well & pleasant. She brought me a Xmas gift after not having giving me one over Xmas. (I gave her & MIL small gifts but wasn't expecting anything in return.)
Anyway, after polite conversation about family, work, etc & the check came, (which she picked up) she said, So, how do you want to move forward with things? We had been drinking (not heavily) but I responded with "I'm not prepared to discuss relationship things right here & now. Will be happy to meet and discuss during the day" (Meaning when I have a fully clear head, not tired and even the slightest bit inebriated.)
Long term Goal I would like to get back together with some behavior modifications from both sides. Short term, I would like to see if she would be open to moving back home and try living in separate rooms but have no idea if that's something she would agree to. Also I don't want to lay the cards down like that.
There's plenty more to this story but figured I'll make an intro and go from there!
I've been reading some of the intro thread and see there is plenty more to read on the recommended links so will get busy reading them too.
Unfortunately I joined the ranks of the recently separated a few months ago, Here's a snapshot of the story:
08/20/2018 BD. I came home to find a letter from W(44) stating she wasn't happy, hasn't been for 5 years, wasn't attracted to me anymore and asking for a separation - Thing is I didn't have much choice in the situation as she had walked out that day leaving behind the letter and her wedding bands. I was completely blindsided and devastated. W went & stayed (and still is) with (Step) MIL but has also been doing a lot of intl travel to escape being there too.
I wrote W a letter that first week acknowledging her feelings, apologizing and owning up to my shortcomings in our relationship. At first she was grateful but then became angry with the letter saying if I knew of the shortcomings why didn't I do more about it then. (I'm thinking due to Complacency & not recognizing how bad things were.) I asked her to consider giving us a second chance but did not beg or threaten etc..
W left 2 weeks before we were booked to go on a Long Haul trip to my homeland to celebrate my 50th birthday with family & friends. W asked if I would like her to still join me on trip. I declined as it was just all to fresh and confusing. Basically my 50th Birthday was awful. I didn't want to see a lot of friends and family as I couldn't face the questions, pity, felt so embarrassed and I simply wasn't in a good state of mind. Just so hurt & confused.
I knew my personal life had been out of balance for some time. I had worked a helluva lot on building up my business and when not doing that renovating the house we purchased 8 years ago. The renovations were near complete & I had laid plans for post turning 50 to make major changes in my lifestyle, which I had started prior to W walking out & have continued post BD. I have gotten fit, lost some excess weight, eating well, drinking little and working a lot less which = de-stressing. I'm not in crisis & doing pretty well!
We don't have kids so that dynamic isn't present. We do have 15~ year old cats who we both adore and stayed with me at the house. I am motivated & dedicated to trying to save our marriage, but have the strength and clarity to move on with My life without her if the relationship can't be saved. I had asked a couple of times if there was OM & she has said no. I don't see any signs indicating she is lying but I'm open minded enough to understand there may be (or have been) someone else.
I sought out IC straight after BD, was going weekly & now fortnightly. This has been helpful and I'll continue. W is seeing IC too but from what I have read, her IC specialty is working people through separation and being an advocate of it (the therapist is on her 2nd marriage & I feel may project her personal opinion & thoughts onto clients)
I picked up DB book mid November but had already started applying some of the 180 techniques from reading other forums, books before learning of DB as a method. I haven't displayed any anger towards my W as I'm not angry, just incredibly disappointed.
W has moved very few items out of the house. Conversations shortly after leaving W was adamant there was no hope. Her feelings had been chipped away for too long. I've been applying the DB methods, GAL & having very little contact early on, not being the one to initiate conversation & being the one to end conversations etc.
The TG & Xmas holidays were lonely but I'm not one to wallow in self pity. Went out with some friends and just had fun on those days. I don't have any family in the USA and limited friends but working on GAL & meeting new people etc.
When I do W I don't open discussion on our R & I'm considerably more upbeat than I was prior to BD. I have changed & have an outwardly happy demeanor around her. A lot more like when we first met.
I'll keep on working on the principles and modify/adapt to what works.
My W wanted to have dinner with me last night & it was all well & pleasant. She brought me a Xmas gift after not having giving me one over Xmas. (I gave her & MIL small gifts but wasn't expecting anything in return.)
Anyway, after polite conversation about family, work, etc & the check came, (which she picked up) she said, So, how do you want to move forward with things? We had been drinking (not heavily) but I responded with "I'm not prepared to discuss relationship things right here & now. Will be happy to meet and discuss during the day" (Meaning when I have a fully clear head, not tired and even the slightest bit inebriated.)
Long term Goal I would like to get back together with some behavior modifications from both sides. Short term, I would like to see if she would be open to moving back home and try living in separate rooms but have no idea if that's something she would agree to. Also I don't want to lay the cards down like that.
There's plenty more to this story but figured I'll make an intro and go from there!