http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...ain=61691&Number=2816981#Post2816981Had my last thread deleted at my request.
I do appreciate the help here, but im not here to be called a liar or have my mental health brought into question by people who dont know me.
My posts, which are likely to be infrequent, will take a different tone moving forward.
I am not here to have people who dont know me to tell me what i think and feel.
Nor am i here to give people the opportunity to dictate to me whats going on in MY heart and head.
Had a good relaxing weekend with Mary. Took a much needed few days to just sleep in, relax and wait out the storm we had.
S3 came back on Sunday being very very temperamental, and this persisted all through today.
He seems to get really emotional and easily upset after weekends away from me.
HE tells me he wants to be a family again, and its our turn to live at “Redhome” again. I had to explain we are done there, and we cannot go back. But I told him Daddy and S3 will be getting our own new place soon. He was excited about that.
DCYF has contacted EXW several times, left multiple voicemails. She isn’t answering them or returning their calls.
I am becoming more concerned about S3’s emotional wellbeing. I think my next move might be to request temporary full custody pending a hearing. I will also be requesting psych evaluations for myself and EXW through the courts.
It’s the only way to ensure S3 is being taken care of 100%.
Venting and updates:
One of my less than informed friends decided it would be a good idea to send me a photo of EXW from her recent vacation with OM. I promptly told them not to do that again. He had sent it and asked, “wait…what happened to you two…? I noticed she hasn’t posted anything about you in ages and has been dropping these vacation posts and whatnot. What’s the deal?”
She still apparently doesn’t post about OM, but I hadn’t talked to this friend in some time.
The photo looked like she had fun, and despite knowing any “public display” of her life is inherently false, it still pissed me off.
The fact that it did tells me a lot. A lot about lingering detachment issues. I don’t pine for her or miss her anymore, but things like this still have the ability to trigger me into anger, and I don’t like that. This hasn’t happened in a long time and it really makes me mad at myself. The fact that seeing her having fun while on a vaca OM is enough to trigger a response of anger proves there is still power there.
Knowing she would literally place our child in the hands of a predator is enough. Knowing the lies, manipulations, and constant need for online approval should be more than enough for my self-respect to override any leftover feelings of hurt and pain, any feelings of missing out, being screwed over or getting the raw deal. But it doesn’t. and that makes me very mad at myself. What’s it going to take for me to experience true indifference?
I have spent so much time and energy focusing on S3, myself, and Mary, that I thought I had really moved past these angry responses.
Silver lining: it took SIGNIFICANTLY, less time for me to abate this anger. Like I got up from my desk, went outside for a smoke (still haven’t quit
) and calmed myself down. I repeated “its fake, she’s fake, it’s all for show” over and over to myself several times. It seemed to work. Thankfully tonight is D&D night and I can crawl into the persona of a Sorcerer for the evening.
Still FLABERGHASTED she is ignoring DCYF.
I feel bad for S3. He has to go there to be ignored more tonight, tomorrow night.
He comes back from his weekends with her a temperamental emotional wreck. Hissy fits at the drop of a hat. After he’s been with me for a few days he’s fine. Then I have to send him to her, and the cycle begins again.
This Sun-Tues was particularly bad. It makes me wonder if she takes her frustrations out on him through emotional abuse.
The fact that I filed a PPO against her Dad and contacted DCYF is more than enough to trigger her criticism and fury, and the fact that S3 had one of the worst weeks in memory right after that happened and he was with her for the weekend is not lost on me.
Things with Mary are going well still. We had an awesome weekend. She continues to be super supportive, caring and understanding.
Use that bad energy to reinforce your work on yourself and being the lighthouse for S3. A coworker showed me a photo of OW a few days ago. I have my mind trained to evade certain zones...but it was hard to stop my mind games. And I just did a half second look at it. When I recognize who it was I quickly turned my head away. But it was too late. I saw her...As Steve says it’s about willingness and commitment. So here I am. Older but stronger.
You are stronger as time goes by. Keep the pace O!
Neff, thanks for asking. Here Is an update thus far.
Regarding DCYF: She never answered them or had a meeting with them. She has the right to refuse those in my state unless DCYF gets a court order to force said meeting, which they did not.
The DCYF rep. told me that my report is 100% valid, and even alarming, but as there in no evidence S3 has been directly abused by FIL there isn’t any action he / they can take. He did inform me to link the case with my hearing at the county court, which I did.
Regarding Court / Divorce: I have a hearing on Thursday regarding the protective order against FIL. Last week, FIL’s lawyer called me to let me know he was representing FIL, and was “looking into” representing EXW. He asked if I would agree to a continuance of the hearing scheduled for Thursday. I declined, and said I would prefer to keep the hearing scheduled for the date the court already set. He didn’t sound pleased.
Then, this weekend I got a letter from the court informing me that unless either party files any objections within the next 10 days, that our divorce will be final on the 2nd week of Dec. No further DIVORCE hearings scheduled at this time. Only the one this Thursday to discuss the protective order.
**I know I may sound crazy, but yet again, the “premonition” struck again. Thursday of last week I was very anxiety ridden at work, very very strong “Stomach Twisty” feelings, almost cried at my desk, and so on. Yet again with no preceding event or any real reason to be feeling that way.
it persisted pretty much all day at work, subsided when I was headed home. The next day I got the call from FIL’s lawyer.
EXW and FIL were at the lawyers office the day before, when I was feeling the heavy heavy anxiety. I am not a spiritual person, but this Is now the 5th or 6th time I have had foreboding feelings of anxiety and “gut instinct” only to have a major development in the divorce occur a day or two later.
I honestly feel like I can sense when she Is worked up, angry, upset, or otherwise emotional about us/divorce/affair etc.
I had no way of knowing the Lawyer call was coming, but yet my body seemed to sense it.
the same thing happened a few months ago with her response to one of the divorce documents.
I have never believed in premonitions, or anything spiritual or anything, but this has happened way too many times to be coincidental. I know how loopy this sounds, but im just explaining things as I experience them.
Regarding S3: His behavior has still been pretty bad the past few weeks, although yesterday was better than the last time I picked up him from her house. So pretty much the same here. He is doing well enough, is excited for Winter (his favorite season!)
Regarding OrangeK: I am doing mostly good. Living with my brother and his wife is getting taxing, it’s a tiny house, so we are fairly cramped. I have fallen off my exercising for the last few months, basically since I moved in with my brother in July.
I need to start sweating daily again, same with diet stuff. Ive been eating like crap lately. Gotta fix that too.
Mary is off with her family on a vacation, but things continue to go well with her. Its refreshing to start to trust someone again. We’ve been seeing eachother 2 months now. Im likely going to meet her family sometime soon.
Id like her to meet S3, but no rush on that.
Glad you are moving on. Keep doing that, get back to exercise and the healthy food. Remember you are a role model for S3. Children are like sponges, they absorb everything.
Time to pay a visit to the gastroenterologist...;)
Stay strong O!
Its not a muscular or internal feeling. Its 100% emotional energy.
Ive tried to find explinations for it. I cant come up with anything but spiritual.
3 times establishes pattern. We are at 6x.
Well, in climate change you need a 30 year serie to get a pattern...
Go to the doctor
Is her lawyer even allowed to talk to you when your lawyer is not present?
Where i live, they are not allowed to do so. Talk to your lawyer. Your case is high conflict. Its not amicable where you can let things go.
What is being advised to keep FIL away from your son?
The divorce process is traumatizing and emotional. Sure there is gut feelings and premonitions. But it also brings out a lot of anxiety.
Update:
Had hearing today for Protective Order against FIL.
EXW and FIL hired attorneys last min and filed for a continuance 2 days ago.
I declined the continuance, and it was brought up again today.
The Judge granted the continuance based on the fact that for the duration FIL is still barred by the PPO from seeing S3.
Sadly, I do not have a lawyer for this portion of things. I had a lawyer to help me with some of the divorce papers, im broke as a joke now. So back to Pro Se unfortunately. Honestly im not terribly worried though, her Lawyer team seemed to be scrambling for time and didn’t have their ducks in a row at all. One of the lawyers didn’t even show up today, as he is away on vacation. EXW hasn’t fully paid the retainer yet either.
FIL’s lawyer tried to play nice with me and ask me questions before the hearing in the waiting room. I polietley reminded him I would answer any questions he had inside the courtroom. He furrowed his brow and walked away. The other lawyer I spoke with on the phone last week got angry when I declined the continuance.
These 2 lawyers have seemed like they expect me to just do what they say, as they are lawyers and I am not.
I think they are used to opposing clients that are representing themselves as being pushovers.
Not this guy.
Re the attorneys, it probably felt good to act as you did. But ask if you got a good result for your client (S3). The continuance was granted anyway as it was always going to be, but now the lawyer will remember the pro se guy who played tough guy hardball, and the other one will remember a guy who made him feel stupid for attempting small talk.
Previously, you had opposing attorneys not horribly motivated over a case they won't make any money on. Now you have at least two that may decide to toy with you, rake you over the coals on the stand and otherwise make things hard and complicated and expensive for you must because they can. Again, does that best serve S3?
I see here and in the events you relate here a man whose amygdala is dominating his life. Those feelings you describe as spiritual? No. They're simple, garden-variety anxiety attacks. The prolonged firing of the amygdala's fight/flight response. Going off repeatedly on posters trying to help you - part and parcel of the same overactive amygdala.
The best thing you said above is that you need to eat better and exercise. I'd add you need to throw in some sort of regular meditative practice. Those steps will get your amygdala back in its proper lane so it doesn't rule you life. More responding, less reacting -- make it your mantra.
Hi OrangeK, maybe you have gastritis like I do! It's exacerbated by stress. I hope everything works out for your son to be protected from your father-in-law. It seems like that's a huge battle to fight on top of getting divorced. I hope all the legal stuff can get settled soon. You deserve a break after all you've been through.
Court scheduled next hearing for protective order as a telephone conference for Early Jan.
Divorce will be finalized on 12/11/18, and neither of us filed objections to that finalizing.
Communication has been next to nonexistent. S3 is doing fine. Things with Mary are still good. Getting past the first honeymoon phase and just feeling normal.
Still need to work on sleep patterns and diet. I am tired all the time.
I believe EXW violated the protective order and brought S3 to see her father over the weekend, but I have not proof of this beyond S3 telling me he went there.
I will call the court for their advice on this on my lunch break. I tried to report it to the Cops over the weekend, and they said it was a civil matter and I had to talk to court about it. I am considering filing for temporary full custody as she clearly cant be trusted to follow the law.
Winter is setting in early and that always sux, plus it makes moving / saving money tough.
I Did get a good lead on a possible new apartment for me and S3. Hopefully that works out, in fact I should be hearing from the land lord today.
I am so. God damnn tired.
Well enjoy your tiredness getting some time to rest
Glad you are doing ok. Stay detached.
Concerning S3, there´s a difference between believing and having proofs. There are no greys there man, it´s black or white. Legal boundaries have been set, right? It´s ok to be worried.
Good you are moving forward and things are improving.
Stay strong O!
Had an awesome weekend with S3. Did a lot of holiday decorating. Things with mary are still going quite well.
Got a solid lead on a good new apartment I am hopeful for.
Next is to get a raise, and a new car.
Watch out 2019. The real orange is back.
Is that a threat?
Glad things are improving. Keep getting O v2 improved and with upgraded thermostat
Stay strong man!
Not v2. Did a factory reset to v1. V2 software was flawed.
The real orange has never posted here before today.
Nice to meet you all.
Its been a while Y'all.
Divorce Finalized Dec 11th. I have a great new apartment, S3 LOVES it. He is very happy and comforable, the transitions don't bother him like they used to at all. He is happy again. I love it. Mary and I celebrated 4 months of dating exclusively recently and that is all going really really well.
Work is also going much better.
I don't find myself desiring to know who what where when or why EX is doing anything.
So long as she is Mothering S3, i could care less.
Sad part is that She hasn't been 100% on the Mom Job.
Still in court over protective order against EX-FIL, although that looks to be done soon. No indication if the court will maintain the protective order or eliminate it.
Here it is in a nutshell.
I dont suffer from relapses of pain, regret or what if's any longer. Life is good.
S3 is happy and Healthy. Life is good.
My new apartment is nicer than the one EX and I shared, and its cheaper. Life is good.
Its closer to S3's school and my work. Life is good.
I have learned A LOT about myself. Life is good.
I really know who the REAL people in my life are. They love me and I love them. Life is good.
Mary just asked me to meet S3 soon. Life is good.
I smile and laugh again. Life is good.
I. Am. Genuinely. Happy.
LIFE. IS. GOOD.
Time and perspective folks. I am now approx 2 years since EX began cheating on me. 1.5 Years since i found out.
It feels like it was all last week.
2018 was a blur of pain and confusion.
To all the newbies who may be reading this, look back at my story. See how i struggled, fought and kicked.
Trust the vets when they say this is a marathon. its more than that. Its a war of attrition.
Trust yourself. Trust your loved ones. Give yourself time.
The Great Magnet spins regardless, don't miss out on the ride.
Enjoy the view. Those who enter your lives do so for a reason, so too do they leave your lives.
OK, great update. Happy for you brother! I will continue to pray for you and S3.
Not sure if you have read my threads at all lately, but I've been struggling a bit. Piecing is a lot harder than I ever imagined. I just hope it works out because for me to get your place would probably mean I am 2 years away from if and when another BD ever occurred. No indication right now one will, but wow this stuff weighs on you.
So happy for you being so happy! Hope you had a very Merry Christmas and wish you the best in the New Year!
Steve, i havent read it. this is the first ive been on the site since beginning of Dec.
Ill take a look through it later on tonight.
I do still experience the odd "Gut feeling" which is still followed by some action (this happened last week, first time in ages. Wednesday night was very strangely heavy and depressing, 2 days later i got a letter from her Lawyers that was filed on the same day i felt down and out)
Other than that shes water under the bridge.
im embarrassed i ever gave her so much mental real estate, after being treated the way i was.
Sounds like you're doing great Orange, congrats!!!
Glad to read your update O!
Keep moving man! I’m really happy for you. Enjoy S3 and Mary and live your life with happiness.
(((Hugs O!)))
Good to hear from you! That's a fantastic update. Keep it going and congrats on getting your own place. Moving up in life and things are just getting better from here onwards.
Thanks guys.
Its been good.
I still have fleeting regrets, and moments of sadness and pain. Mostly for S3 and the fact that he will never have a whole and complete family with his Mom and Dad.
This is big to me, as i grew up in a "whole" household my whole childhood and it seriously shaped how i view an approach family and relationships.
I can go days without her on my mind, but admittedly, if i am reminded of her, or have to talk to her, it still twists up my guts. the important thing is that I need to actively be reminded of her, or look into things myself in order to garner this type of response.
I think its just how abruptly and without closure things ended. I know ill never get that closure, and ive made my own.
In so far as recovery is concerned i will say this. When it REALLY began to happen, it was noticeable.
I recall being surprised to hear myself laughing genuinely.
Enjoying hobbies and even TV Shows i had lost all interest in.
2018 was the darkest time of my life. So confused, hurt, paranoid and several other negative feelings dominated my life for over a year.
One thing still hasnt changed, i miss the woman i was presented with, but through much therapy i was able to truly know, that the woman i married never was, nor shall be again.
For a while i struggled with feeling like i "Settled" with Mary.
When in reality i was just coming to terms with being with someone who doesnt cultivate an air of perfection.
Mary is flawed, and i love her despite those flaws. Not because she lacks them.
Some 2019 Goals:
Get back on really working out everyday. I have been slacking since Winter set in.
Hike at least 6 4k Peaks in NH
get back to sending 5.9 rock climbs.
Get a new car.
Continue to be positive. I am only focusing on the positive now.
I am glad to see how well your doing. And i hope you keep us updated on whats going on with your FIL. Very scary stuff.
I get what your saying about cultivating an air of perfection. My ex was 6'4 went to top schools, had a great job, drove a luxury car. He was super smart. Could fix anything. If he goes on OLD, he will seem like a great catch. But privately he slept till 3pm, had cc debt he kept secret from me and withdrew from his IRA. Lots of indications of a serious addiction.
Point being, that its hard to date afterwards and look past the superficial stuff.
I knew I wanted someone that would not leave his wife and kids. That would not leave unless things were drastic. But those people dont always come with fancy cars or degrees.
Zues had a great post talking about what makes up someone. How the outer layers are looks, inner layers personality, job, religion, politics. But at the deep deep layer is someones morality. Or something like that.
What do u like about mary?
She is supportive, caring, patient, fun and energetic.
Otherwise not much in the way of updates.
Legal sitch is the same. Waiting on courts final descision regarding EX - FIL on Apr. 2Nd
S4 has been great, other than telling me few times he wants to stay at my house 24/7.
I've been at my new house for over a month now. That is going well also.
Started a great new job last week. Just looking forward to spring now!
HI OrangeK, it's good to hear your updates! That's great you have a girlfriend who is supportive. I'm sure that played a big role in the process of recovering and moving on.
I wish your son could stay at your house 24/7. Sounds like you're the only stability he has in life. I hope you and he can make the most of each day together.
Congratulations on the new house and job!!!
You're in better shape now than you were one year ago! It's great to see that you made it past those dark days. I hope life keeps getting better and better for you.
Can’t agree more with Nicole. I’m really happy for all of you man! Keep working to get the best Orange you can.
Sending a big hug ((((O))))
OK, you rock dude! So cool to see you happy, healthy, and moving forward.
hello everybody, stopping in for a monthly update I suppose.
Things have been somewhat run-of-the-mill, some things new. Mary and I have run into a bit of a rough patch, I kind of expected this a little bit due to her inexperience with relationships. We have gotten past the honeymoon phase is so to speak and she is now beginning to seem concerned about the fact that the relationship is not what it was. She seems to have a very strong emotional response to what I would consider minor relationship issues. I have also found that in the past month or so I have been feeling very emotionally disconnected. I've had a very hard time getting in touch with my emotions lately. I feel like I had to shut so many of my emotional circuit breakers off in order to survive the divorce and the Lion's Share of them have not been flipped back on yet. To further complicate things ex-wife has been very chatty and uncharacteristically interested in what's going on in my life, seems to take any opportunity she can to bring up Mary, and has found some reason to text me pretty much every day for the past 2 weeks. I didn't even ask but she felt the need to reassure me that she is happy with her new life. it almost feels like she's trying to convince herself not me. what I hope is the final court date regarding father-in-law's criminal history with children is coming up in about a month. I still need to type up my response to their last document. Lastly oh, I have been experiencing random bouts of anxiety symptoms again. What I have previously referred to as twisty stomach feelings or gut feelings. I have been dealing with a recurring sinus infection since about Christmas and and well and truly done with winter.
I wish i could say that exw wasnt still often on my mind, but what I can say is that she does not dominate my emotions anymore. I don't get angry at the drop of a hat whenever somebody mentions her or something she did. We actually had to see each other face-to-face for the first time in over a year last week, I was fully expecting that to prompt a very strong emotional response and it did not. I will say that since that occasion she has been a lot more communicative with me. I just answer her questions when she asks them, play nice and move on with my day.
have to stop going in January when I got my new apartment. Couldn't afford it anymore without insurance
Okay OK. I won't belabor it, but much of what you mention struggling with would be best worked out with a professional. I leave it to you but where there is a will there is a way. And you really can't afford to NOT get the help you need.
Also, sorry on how things are going with Mary. My concern for your involvement with her all along was whether or not you were really ready for a new relationship. Or if you were using her to dull your pain. Obviously the latter is not healthy and only you know deep down whether or not that was the case, or if you were really reaay to commit to and offer your heart to a new person.
As always, if this provides no insight to your current situation then just ignore it. Either way I am pulling for you OK, and praying for you!
also, it is worth a shot, but type the following in to Google: "free counseling near me"
Hey Orange,
maybe things moved quick with Mary and are slowing down a bit. Make sure you're still taking care of yourself and try to look at the relationship with Mary as objectively as possible.
As for your STBXW, well I hope you can find healing in regards to how things went down and make positive changes within yourself to make sure you attract the right kind of person. Also, I think it's kind of normal that you still think about her as she is the mother of your child.
Good luck!
I feel like I had to shut so many of my emotional circuit breakers off in order to survive the divorce and the Lion's Share of them have not been flipped back on yet.
Yeah I hear you, I'm not sure you ever flip them all back on after D. My walls were at maybe 5% while married, 100% after BD and probably 50% with my GF even this long after D. I just don't know they'll ever be lower than 50%. I don't think that's necessarily a bad thing though.
To further complicate things ex-wife has been very chatty and uncharacteristically interested in what's going on in my life, seems to take any opportunity she can to bring up Mary, and has found some reason to text me pretty much every day for the past 2 weeks.
Sounds like a temp check. I'm curious why you say that "complicates" things?
We actually had to see each other face-to-face for the first time in over a year last week, I was fully expecting that to prompt a very strong emotional response and it did not.
So what was the situation where you ended up seeing each other after so long? I know what you mean though, being around my XW now is almost like being around an aunt I don't see much. Like it's someone I'm familiar with and feel a family connection to, but there's no emotional feelings there.
I will say that since that occasion she has been a lot more communicative with me. I just answer her questions when she asks them, play nice and move on with my day.
You might remember the story I tell of my buddy who split with his W and similar to you didn't see her or talk to her for over a year. Then she started reaching out which led to conversations over coffee, and then dates, and now they are back together. That was exactly how it started though, she just started reaching out to him by text for seemingly unimportant stuff. I'm not saying she's trying to reconnect, but it does seem like a temp check.
Stander, regarding the circuit breaker thing. That's pretty much why I'm running into issues with Mary right now, my walls are still up to strong and she's looking to have me open up. I've avoided doing so because I'm afraid to show her that I pretty much still feel dead inside, what portions of my emotional Spectrum are not comatose are behind High walls of self-defense. as far as why we had to see each other face-to-face, our son was sick and she had kept him out of daycare. so she texted me to coordinate in exchange for our son being that he was not at school where I normally pick him up, She mentioned she was at work so I asked if she was working where our son was. She said, to be completely transparent with you he is at my boyfriend's house. her boyfriend is much closer to my house then her mother's house where she is living most of the time is. she yet again asked me to come to her work to pick him up and I told her I could not do that, I then offered to pick him up at her boyfriend's house, I offered to pick him up at her mother's house, or I said that somebody could drop him off at my house. despite the fact that it made no sense logistically, she had her boyfriend Drive our son all the way to her work, then she drove him from her work to my house and dropped him off. I only offered to pick up at her boyfriend's house because it would have been convenient for everybody but she's still very adamant on me not meeting him. So long story short, when she came to drop him off at my house he was asleep and sick she had to bundle him out of the car. Because of this I had to walk down the stairs for my apartment and physically take him out of her arms. she said something to the effect of he's had a rough day give him all the snuggles and I simply smiled and said I will. in regards to the surprising lack of an emotional response, I can honestly say this surprise me because only a few weeks ago when she had to come and do pick up at my house it was still getting me all flustered, and when that happens her and I don't interact in person. so I found it very strange that when I had to have a face-to-face conversation with her for the first time in over a year that there was no emotional response at the time. admittedly since that happened she has found her way into my thoughts a little bit more often. I honestly can't say if it was a temperature check, I don't know what your friends situation was but I cannot see her ever backpedaling from the amount of drama lying and deception that went down during our break up. Also when she was asking me about my life and my situation with Mary she definitely made a point to mention that oh, and I quote, we have both moved on and are happy. I don't know if that was her attempt to try and reinforce her situation with the new guy. Honestly I don't try to figure out what's going on in her mind anymore. I have used other people's situations to try to determine if what she's doing is temperature King, her actions are too unpredictable and chaotic to really make a determination. Plus she also knows that the restraining order she had against me doesn't go away until May so she may be playing things delicately, plus we still have a court date coming up in a month in regards to her father
Oh and one last thing, and I know this may be interpreted as mind reading so give me a slap if you think I deserve one, but last may she blew up the motor in her car, and has been driving her boyfriend's pickup truck ever since. Just this past weekend she got a new car, My son was very excited to tell me about it. She is now no longer Reliant On her boyfriend for transportation. Bear in mind they have been dating for almost 2 years now, including the nine months they were doing so behind my back, but I digress. I know I shouldn't know this information, but she still has yet to this day done anything to acknowledge their relationship publicly in any way shape or form. he does, but if you look at her social media you wouldn't know that she was dating anybody. She literally doesn't even post a single picture of his face. I can't imagine she has longevity in mind there in. Not that it matters because it's done dead and gone and at this point I really wouldn't want to change that. Just can't help up my mind running in circles sometimes
Oh and one last thing, and I know this may be interpreted as mind reading so give me a slap if you think I deserve one, but last may she blew up the motor in her car, and has been driving her boyfriend's pickup truck ever since. Just this past weekend she got a new car, My son was very excited to tell me about it. She is now no longer Reliant On her boyfriend for transportation. Bear in mind they have been dating for almost 2 years now, including the nine months they were doing so behind my back, but I digress. I know I shouldn't know this information, but she still has yet to this day done anything to acknowledge their relationship publicly in any way shape or form. he does, but if you look at her social media you wouldn't know that she was dating anybody. She literally doesn't even post a single picture of his face. I can't imagine she has longevity in mind there in. Not that it matters because it's done dead and gone and at this point I really wouldn't want to change that. Just can't help up my mind running in circles sometimes
I think you are 100% right based on her history alone. This poor guy has a BD in his near future.
Stander, regarding the circuit breaker thing. That's pretty much why I'm running into issues with Mary right now, my walls are still up to strong and she's looking to have me open up. I've avoided doing so because I'm afraid to show her that I pretty much still feel dead inside, what portions of my emotional Spectrum are not comatose are behind High walls of self-defense.
I know it's tough after BD and the aftermath, but maybe try to open up to her a little more. There's nothing that says you have to go from zero to 100 in 3 seconds, so if you're at zero now then try for 10 and see how it goes. She'll feel better about the R and you might find that it helps you as well.
as far as why we had to see each other face-to-face, our son was sick and she had kept him out of daycare.
That makes sense, I was just wondering if she was finding an excuse to see you.
I honestly can't say if it was a temperature check, I don't know what your friends situation was but I cannot see her ever backpedaling from the amount of drama lying and deception that went down during our break up.
A temp check doesn't necessarily means she wants to get back together. It just means she's checking to "see where you are". She's wondering if you've moved on or if you're still holding a candle. And maybe she's checking to see what HER feelings are towards you. That could very well be why she wanted to bring S by rather than have you pick him up at BF's house, she just wanted to lay eyes on you and see what her personal reaction was.
Regarding my friend, he fully believed there was a zero percent chance they would ever get back together. You've heard of burning bridges, well she bombed the bridge, put dragons in the river under it and napalmed the surrounding area as far as the eye could see. That actually probably helped him drop the rope faster, because she was done, done DONE in his eyes. It just goes to show you never know what can happen. I hear people say "my WAS is done, there's no chance" here just about every day but they simply do not know that. No one knows what their future holds. Whatever they think they know is probably very wrong.
Also when she was asking me about my life and my situation with Mary she definitely made a point to mention that oh, and I quote, we have both moved on and are happy. I don't know if that was her attempt to try and reinforce her situation with the new guy.
Probably a temp check to see if you would say something like "oh, well things aren't going that great". My ex does the same, says crap like "I really don't know what's going on with you two" (about me and my GF) like it's any of her business. Again it doesn't mean she wants to recon, she just wants to know your "status".
Honestly I don't try to figure out what's going on in her mind anymore.
Good, that's for the best!
but if you look at her social media you wouldn't know that she was dating anybody. She literally doesn't even post a single picture of his face.
She's keeping her options open in case someone "better" comes along. If she meets someone she doesn't want them to look her up and see she's "taken". I suspect Steve is right about OM having a BD in his future.
You know O my XW does the same thing. She has been dating her BF for probably a year now, posts nothing on social media about him, has never brought him to any of our kids events, has never introduced him to me but she has taken him with her to some functions with our kids and close family friends.
She also reaches out to me from time to time for weird reasons, sends me random pictures of the girls, asks me off the wall questions that she could figure out herself, etc.
Maybe they are temp checks, maybe she still has feelings for me buried down deep inside or maybe she just does it out of habit since we were together for 17. I don't know, I just keep moving forward.
I also am having the same problems with dating, opening up, being vulnerable. I think part of the issue is that I was hardwired to 1 woman for 17 years and it is difficult to re-wire my brain (or it at least it is for me). Everything about the current woman I am dating is different than my xw so that has been a struggle. I am just trying to be patient with myself and I like what AS said about trying to open yourself up a little bit at a time to help get comfortable.
Post D life is fun at times but it is not always easy. Hang in there!
Thanks for the update O. Just keep doing the work on yourself man. Get into IC when you can and be there for S4 as you always do. There´s no need to bite any bait with XW. Avoid mind reading and get some more detaching. You know you can´t be there for her. She´s far far away.
Keep moving forward Orange.
Sending hugs for you and S4
And another text. To ask me if i would watch S4 on one of her scheduled nights. In May. Lol.
Good normal convo.
Its nice to not get all worked up when i sew her name pop up on my phone
Hey O - like the recent updates even though some challenging stuff around dating and your R with Mary. Getting that wall down is not easy after what you've gone through. Totally understandable.
Just like J9, my exW is now dating and I don't see or hear anything about him. Her SM stuff is private so I have no idea if she's got him on there or not. I actually prefer it this way - the less mental space it can take. exW also sometimes sends me random texts about stuff, generally has to do with kids - no idea why. And then when I respond back and say something short and direct, I get crickets in return. It's super bizarre. Mind-reading is like a thing of the past so I don't try to spin myself out of shape when she does this, but I don't get it. Like why is she sending this and then complete silence afterwards. Who knows what's going through her head? I just keep focus on me and all that other stuff is riff raff.
I am almost at the end of getting the legal stuff done and so it'll be officially over soon.
I'm going to write a more detailed post later oh, but I just need to get some stuff off my chest immediately. it's been months since this has happened, yet another situation where I have this horrible gut feeling that something is coming out of pipes. Accompanying this negatively intuitive feeling is the old feeling in my guts that feels like a slow-burning Cole. Like I could breathe smoke and toxic fumes. it has literally been months since this has happened, and I did not miss it. I'm willing to bet that I will have something in the mail either tomorrow or Monday from her attorneys, as I feel like this is another situation where I can sense something-4 frustrating is happening on her end. As I've said before I think she usually carries her head in the sand and pretend like none of this happened so when she has to go to her lawyer's office and actually deal with it, I can sense it on my end. I know that that is literally the definition of mind reading, but there has been enough evidence for me in the past when this happens that there's a reason for it and it's not just in my head. what I hope is our final court date regarding the restraining order I had placed against her father is coming up in about two weeks. The window for us to submit any files regarding this case closes at the end of next week so it makes sense that she would be going to her lawyer's office. I've done a good job of putting on a face of someone who has healed lately, but I'm starting to realize that that is not the case. In the dark of the night when I am alone I still find myself plagued with what ifs and other hypothetical nonsense. I've told so many other people and myself a thousand times that I am healed and done with this but allegedly that's not the case.
Also found put her dad didnt help her with her new car. Her BF allegedy bought it. Wheres the profit in lying anout that?
Submitting my final response to court in anticipation f what i ope is the final FINAL court case with EXW and FIL.
So ready to close this book.
Also found put her dad didnt help her with her new car. Her BF allegedy bought it. Wheres the profit in lying anout that?
Probably just to save face. She beats the drum about how she wants to be independent and free, so it's no doubt embarrassing that she can't even work out basic transportation without someone rescuing her.
So how are you feeling?
Court coming up on Tuesday. I have been a ball of nerves. Their lawyers are requesting from the court that I pay all of their legal fees in addition to a $5,000 stipend to the court for wasting the Court's time. According to them my filing of a protective order against my ex father-in-law was baseless and unfounded, on the grounds that they're claiming that I already knew all about his past. As I've said before the only thing I was ever told was that he was and I quote, accused of the very bad things he did not do. At no point in the last 6 years did my ex-wife her mother or her father explain to me in detail the nature of his charges, the severity of his charges, the fact that they were sexual in nature, or the fact then he despite pleading down from felonies to misdemeanors was still charged with these crimes. I cannot understand for the life of me how they're claiming that my request for a protective order against someone with a recorded history of sexual abuse against children is unfounded and baseless. despite the fact that they have three lawyers I still do not have a single one. As all of my money goes to Furnishing a household for our child wow she still has him sleeping on air mattresses in her bedroom, and her boyfriend's house. neither one of them has made any attempt to get my son his own room. if their concern was truly for the best interests of S4 then they would realize that if I am meet accountable for all of that money by the court all it is going to do is cause me to lose my apartment and further detriment S4. Beyond the fact but it would be vastly unjust, the way they're going about this court case has made it very clear that they are more concerned about winning and money then they are about the well-being of S4. I only hope that the court is able to see this as I do. most of you know I am not a religious man, but I will be honest, any thoughts and prayers for Tuesday's outcome are well Appreciate it. I can't wait for this all to be over
Prayers always for you OK! Don't fret it, this is a common tactic by an attorney looking for a dismissal of the case. "If we file to have him pay for your court costs and the court's time then maybe he will just abandon the whole thing!" What does your lawyer say? Surely they've seen these kind of tactics before.
Say the course my friend, it will all work out. Try to take care of yourself. Being a ball of nerves is no way to live. Do you have any outlets for that? Exercise? Hobbies?
One of mine that I haven't mentioned is to just get on my ATV and ride! Just to ride. No where in particular to go just get on and ride. I know not everyone has access to that kind of thing but maybe there are similar things someone can do. Even a couple of turns on a go-kart track and work wonders.
Thank you Steve that's reassuring, I have heard people mention that before but I wasn't sure how accurate it was, as far as it being a scare tactic to try and get me to drop the case. I'm operating well, the anxiety does not cripple me like it used to that my last job. I'm glad to say that my current job keeps me busy all day and I don't have time to sit and marinate in my anxiety in a cubicle like I used to. I also got out of work a lot earlier than I used to, so that affords me a lot of time in the afternoon to get things done or pursue activities that I enjoy. I live in Northern New England so spring is just now arriving, I was sick a lot this winter as well I think due to weakened immune system from Stress and Anxiety. So needless to say I've been looking forward to Spring quite heavily. it makes my weekends with S4 much more enjoyable as we can get out and do stuff outside, same goes for me. it's a rainy crappy day and I'm on my way home from work, but I have a lot of cleaning and housework to do today. So that will keep me busy. Honestly the best outlet I have is my Dungeons & Dragons group. That at least gets my mind entirely off my situation and pretty much the Real World At Large for 3 or 4 hours a week. I try to see if I can get two sessions in a week if I can.
OK, that sounds awesome! So happy for you. I truly believe in the old adage "what doesn't kill us makes us stronger" (now Kelly Clarkson's song is stuck in my head!) You are going to be like a rock in a storm moving forward related to stress and anxiety!
despite the fact that they have three lawyers I still do not have a single one.
Am I reading this correctly? You don't have a lawyer for this? And they have 3? I wish you the best, but you are walking into a gunfight with a pointy stick my friend.
AS.
Wish it were otherwise. Cant get blood from a stone.
If i could afford a lawyer i would.
But i cant, so i must fight on for S4 by myself.
I wasted all my credit keeping a roof over S4 & EXW's head while she was out fking OM.
Then any financial leeway i had was dumped into getting a home for S4 after a year of couch surfing.
I have said several times over the course of the last6 months that ive been Pro Se this entire case as i cannot afford an attorney. I called every office i could find looking for pro bono work. Nobody would help me.
I wish you the best of luck. I would never walk into a court without representation, it is a maze of pomp and circumstance and bureaucratic craziness that I could never navigate on my own. Even for a simple D I was so thankful to have an L there once I realized all the red tape that was involved. And not just any L, but one familiar with that particular court and judge because apparently they all have their own quirks. Anyway good luck and hopefully it'll all work out!
tomorrow's hearing has one of the four potential results. Result number one, the court completely rules against me, ex-boxer in law is granted full Grand parent rights and I am made to pay a $5,000 stipend to the court as well as all of their legal fees. Result number two, ex father-in-law is granted his full grandparents rights and I do not need to pay stipend and legal fees. result number three, and this is my proposal, visitation stays as it is where ex father-in-law can't see S4 but only when ex wife is present, S4 cannot sleep over his house. additionally I don't pay court stipend in legal fees. result number four, the case is continued and postpone for another date.
I've done the best I can with the case by myself, I have presented plenty of information the shows that I was well within my rights to file a protective order against my ex-father-in-law. They are claiming that my filing of that protective order was baseless and unfounded because according to them I already knew the nature and severity of his crimes in the past. I did not. I acted as though I would expect any parent to act upon finding out information such as this regarding someone that is close to their child. Any court that does not see that clearly has its priorities mixed up. If I ruled against tomorrow I plan on appealing to a higher level of court
her lawyers have done a good job throwing their weight around so far, I'm scared, but my resolve has never been stronger
OK, how'd it go. And FTR, I am with AS. I would have gone into debt to have paid for a lawyer.
So O, how did the things go?
Really worried about OK. Him not checking in is a bad sign. With her having lawyerS (yes emphasis on plural) and OK going in pro se, and with the threats the other side was making, I fear the worst. My gut tells me that if things had gone well we'd have heard by now. Maybe I am just being a worry wart.
Sorry to worry you Steve my man, the case yesterday actually went better than I expected. It did not reach a conclusion and will be continued as I expected. however I did a really good job in court considering I was up against two attorneys. They have dropped the Third. the judge had more poignant questions for me than she did for the lawyers, and she stopped them from using their lawyer tactics on me. They also, quite stupidly in my opinion, submitted a piece of evidence that was more damning to their case then it was helpful for them. There is a letter from dcyf that explains that after their investigation they found no evidence of abuse between S4 and X father-in-law. they proudly presented this as evidence without realizing that in the second paragraph of the letter the dcyf employee strongly recommends to my ex-wife that she do not leave our child alone with her dad. It actually said and I quote ex-wife should be very circumspect on who she chooses to leave S4 alone with, especially her father. Additionally the judge accepted my copy of the police report as evidence. I did a very good job explaining the timeline and why I filed a protective order, disproving the timeline they had established which was trying to say that I filed the protective order out of jealous vindictive spite because ex-wife has been on a vacation. I informed the court and backed it up with documentation that I did not hear about her vacation until three days after I filed a protective order and 6 days after I receive the police report. both her and her mother and father left the courtroom with their heads hung low. one of their lawyers could not stop stumbling over his words, he is very young and seemed extremely inexperienced. As I said no conclusion was made but it felt like a victory to me
Awesome! Well done.
Any word on the next court date?
Not yet.court will set date and send me a notice of hearing. Late july is my guess
Nicely done Orange! That's a tall order to go into court without a L, but you clearly did an awesome job! I take it that you paying her L fees is all but off the table for now since the judge doesn't view this as "frivolous"? Congrats!
Thanks. The legal fees are still undecided but i highly doubt ill have to pay them. Felt good to be on the side of right and justice.
I honestly feel like detachment, for me, only truly occured in the last few months. Since Jan and the start of 2019.
I had told myself that achieved detachment so many times and had been deceiving myself. This past court date really illustrated this to me, as all previous court dates i was always consumed with thoughts of ex-wife as the court date approached and as I was actually in the courthouse. How would she look? Does this make her feel guilt? does she regret any of this? however this past court date was different. I was still nervous but I could definitely sense a very different feeling in the nerves, it was not deep in my gut like it has been when related to her, it was normal palms sweaty simple nervousness. once it was time to enter the courtroom mind Focus was entirely on the judge and her attorneys. She may as well have not been in the room. I can also say this is the first time that I have seen her in person since our separation that I did not have the thought of physical attraction on my mind. Honestly she really doesn't even look like the person that I used to know. She wasnt relevant. She wasnt looming in my mind.
In more important news, its almost hiking season and my D&D game is going amazingly.
S4 and I have a long list of spring fun to tackle.
Good for you man. Glad to see where you are standing. Use that boost of confidence to keep moving forward with your life. How´s S4 doing? How´s your R with Mary going?
My best wishes O!
R with Mary is kind of mutually dissolving. I dont think i was ready. I need to put 100 percent focus on S4 and myself.
S4 is mostly doing well. He had a very rough day at daycare on Tuesday.
You are a real hero and protector of your son. I was getting teary eyed reading this. Awesome job!
My lawyers were 500 an hour and focused on creating original ways to bill me, instead of actually helping me. I was actually looking up laws and telling them how to work things in my best interest. They were a waste. Just because they have a law degree does not mean they are bright or there to help you. Especially the divorce lawyers who kind of reminded me of used car salesmen.
Any way. Great job! I would expect any decent family court judge is going to take what you are saying seriously. I hope you get full custody. She should be paying you child support. It really seems like it’s in your sons best interest.
Sorry you are going through this though.
Great update O! Best of luck to you and your son. You've weathered a hurricane that would've stripped most to the bare bones. You're still standing and strong. Keep fighting the good fight for your kid and the best is yet to come!
Thanks for the kind words everyone. Court is just a wretched experience. It feels like its designed to crush and intimidate the small guy, or at least thats how the lawyers had made it feel leading up to this court date.
Their physical presence was weak however, honestly i get the vibe that the COURT itself couldnt care much about the outcome and is going through the motions.
Im embarrassed to read my past postings.
Its astonishing to see how low you can be brought.
Sincere apologies to any i was cross with in past postings.
I had my head firmly lodged you know where.
2019 has been a boon to be sure. And now spring is in full effect. Life is good.
Budget is still tight as hell. Not sure how ill afford health ins. When it becomes available at my new job but that's fairly normal feeling problem lol.
Im off to do yardwork with s4 after a great breakfast!
Exselsior!
Exselsior... Haha... Silver Lining Playbook. Great movie.
pretty dramatic low point today. the mutual dissolving of the relationship between Mary and I has degraded into scorned and getting ghosted. I feel like I'm cursed, like I'm broken and unlovable. I suppose that's what I get for jumping into things too early and falling for a girl 10 years younger than me. Additionally it really makes me wonder Why I am always so desperate to have someone in my life. every serious relationship I've ever been in, 4 that I can think of, have all ended in a similar fashion. This isn't going all the way back to high school for crying out loud. way back in 2010 when I dealt with my first really bad breakup, and then subsequently spent the next three years either dating around randomly or wallowing in self-pity for being alone. Then I met ex-wife. I had never fallen in love so fast or so hard, I now know that that was designed that way by her to cultivate an addiction to her and make me easier to manipulate. The fact of the matter is that I trusted and loved her so completely and immensely that when she finally showed her true colors and did to me what she's done to every guy she's ever been with, it literally almost killed me. Then I spent the last year-and-a-half digging myself out of the hole both emotionally and financially. When I finally met somebody that I felt compatible with, yet again everything felt amazing in the beginning and then here we are 8 months later and yet another woman has broken my heart and left me with more questions than closure. I'm seriously beginning to feel cursed or fundamentally flawed and unlovable. moreover I'm scared shittless then I'm going to literally spend the rest of my life overworked tired and alone. I've reached that age where most of my friends are busy with their own families. on the days I have S4 I feel exhausted and inadequate, on the days that I don't have him I am crippled by depression and loneliness. I think it speaks deafening volumes that anytime time throughout a given week, the only time I feel legitimately happy and content is when I'm at game night with my friends pretending to live in a different plane of existence. right now it's very much feels like life [censored] and then you die. all I wanted was to spend the rest of my life with my family and the woman I married. when in reality it feels like I'm going to spend the rest of my life alone, tired frustrated, hated, and forgotten. sorry to get all Negative Nancy on you guys.
I can only answer briefly, but, you are 30 years old, give or take a year or two? So Mary is in her early 20’s? A woman in her early 20’s really doesn’t have all the R tools needed. A guy with a S4 and going through a divorce is something that a woman that young isn’t equipped to handle. You said she was inexperienced at relationship. So her first real R is a relationship she wasn’t equipped to handle as an adult. And that does not define how lovable or unlovable you are.
What would be important is to explore why you find no happiness in your life unless you are with someone else or in a pretend gaming land. I think the gaming is great as it is your hobby. Is there anything else that you take interest in? Why don’t you look for local groups that support single dads and find some friends there. There is a lot of value in life with your son and yourself and you should be enjoying it regardless of you have a partner or not. Start digging deep as to why you are so attracted to that immediate love connection. I mean, pretty much everyone we chose to date gives us that feeling initially. Then sh!t gets real. I think you might surrender yourself to that feeling a little too hard.
I spent many years without a partner raising a very young child. I got lonely at times. Then it became more often than not. But before that, I took some good years enjoying my life with my daughter, my friends, with my own hobbies. I wanted nothing to do with relationships.
Go find yourself. Because yourself is not in someone else
And I’m sorry she hurt you the way she did. You know her true colors now. Nevertheless it still hurts and it will get better
OK, over dependence on another for happiness and fulfillment is unhealthy. I'm saddened that after almost a year here you haven't learned that much. This last post smacks of depression. I'm afraid to ask if you're in IC because I'm afraid I already know the answer.
You owe it to your S to get your self healthy. And it has nothing to do with a woman. You'll never find happiness in a relationship if you're not happy by yourself.
I'll keep you in my prayers, OK. When you are thinking clearly you have good insight, and you're obviously an intelligent guy.
Dude. 30... You still have plenty of time to meet the right person. I will be a single dad and 39 in a few months. I know how you feel though. I've had maybe 4 GF's 1 STBXW potentialy after 10 years. Makes you form a complex about yourself.and your self worth. ...I have never walked away from a relationship. Makes you wonder? Is it me?... I know that all too familiar feeling of overworked alone, tired frustrated, hated, and forgotten. I've been a lone wolf most of my life, using dating and relationships to socialize. You have to actively pursue who is right for you, and in order to to that you have to learn, go through the pain, and grow you.
My W is a good hearted person, but a hypocrite. I tried explaining to her that you don't find happiness outside of yourself last month, she disagreed. By my standards You don't leave a M because you are bored, you don't leave a marriage because you are seeking personal growth and independence, you don't leave a marriage looking for fulfillment, happiness, and purpose. You can do all these things in a marriage successfully if the other spouse is willing to grant that freedom. I've frequently said to W over last month that happiness comes from within, not the things, places, hobbies, or achievements around you. Although they are spirit and purpose boosters, and give life some meaning, once you accomplish your goals. Guess what? Time to reinvent yourself again, ask now what? And do it again. That's why they call it the pursuit of happiness.
Ironicly she just put up a FB post saying Happiness is a choice, not a result. That nothing outside of you can make you happy. You must choose to be happy, be gratetful, and then share that with the world. Which is what i was saying all along.
Go and find you, grow you, and have some fun in between, whether it be the sheets, or just casual dating. But learn the lessons and take it slow, and guard yourself if someone may not be good for you. Vulnerability is a good thing. But you have uou reveal it to the right person over a long time. Even then there are no guarantees in life.
Happiness is inside of us O. Go look for it. You are a young man with all the future ahead. You have S4. What else do you need?
Think positive OK. Enjoy your life. Learn to love and respect yourself. You are the role model for S4. Shine there!
Oh, what many of us here wouldn't give to be 30 while going through this. I'm pushing 50, facing a divorce after a 10 year marriage, financial cataclysm, and loss of connection to my extended family. But you know what? I'll be ok, because I've looked hard at myself and took responsibility for my happiness.
Orange, you should really listen to what people are saying here. People like IHCLACS, Steve85, and others are looking inwards for answers, and answer they find. See, a happy life is all about emotional attunement with yourself. All the good things that are going to bring you those healthy connections with others come from self-awareness. Emotional resilience, self esteem, fulfillment are core components of happiness, and right now you seem to be running short on all. This isn't pleasant to hear but until you stop blaming others, and yourself, you'll never going to understand why you're attracted to relationships that fail. The way out is to stop the fight and embrace the madness. Delve deep into yourself and ask what is the common variable here. You'll find it is you.
I know. You're be angry at this post. You think we're full of cr*p. But honestly, the men and women here don't have to respond to your posts. They've got their own stuff going on. They do respond out of love and compassion for other human beings who they empathize with you because they understand the pain you're dealing with. However, ultimately you will have to do the work. Only you can make yourself happy.
To be truly happy, you'll need to be in a place where you're grateful to your ex for the opportunity she gave you to gain life-experience. You'll need to forgive people who hurt you, and forgive yourself, and drop the ball of pain you're carrying in your heart. To this, spend some time alone. Enjoy your son and form an unconditional bond with him. Read books like "Codependent No More", "No More Mr Nice Guy", and everything by John Gottman. Practice mindfulness and yoga. Realize what a gift being 30 is. Be grateful for every day you're healthy and your knees don't hurt. Practice compassion. Exercise. Prioritize sleep, and eat healthy. Take road trips. If you honestly let go, and give yourself over to this, one day you'll notice you're happy, and then you'll open the door and let the right person to come into your life. Do it for your self, and your son.
A counceler said this to me several years ago. Which one takes more work and effort and which one keeps you stuck, and drains you of joy and wastes your time leading to regret? To be bitter, self loathing and depressed? Or to be striving forward, positive and independent? Remember there are two things certain if life. Death, and taxes, and even the second one is optional. The only thing that is constant is change.. Hold your thoughts captive. Im very guilty of this too. If you feel yours self going negative. Either imagine a stop sign, or observe the thoughts, write them down, and ask yourself. I this really serving me?
A counceler said this to me several years ago. Which one takes more work and effort and which one keeps you stuck, and drains you of joy and wastes your time leading to regret? To be bitter, self loathing and depressed? Or to be striving forward, positive and independent? Remember there are two things certain if life. Death, and taxes, and even the second one is optional. The only thing that is constant is change.. Hold your thoughts captive. Im very guilty of this too. If you feel yours self going negative. Either imagine a stop sign, or observe the thoughts, write them down, and ask yourself. I this really serving me?
This x 1000! That's mindfulness. Exploring your emotions and saying no to the negative thoughts, and yes to positive ones sometimes feels futile because you don't see an immediate result - it's like throwing stones into a pond. But the thing is the stones do pile up eventually.
Thx everyone. Youre all right of course. The mary thing just put me in a low spot. I do need to just run it solo forba while. I shut off the dating apps and unhooked my tv.
Time to get in touch with OK for reals.
OK... you are so young still. I know that you were posting the worst of your worst thoughts. IMO...that’s pretty brave. Now that you have seen them in black and white, it’s time to do some work. What would you advise a friend if they had told you the same thing? You have a precious little boy who is watching you and learning. Kids rarely learn from what their parents say, they watch what their parents do. Be the confident, happy, calm and loving individual that your son needs you to be. It starts with self love and radiates from there. YOU, OK, have plenty of time left to find your person...but not before you do the work. Once you have, you will attract the right woman into your life and she will add to your life the way a partner is supposed to, not make it. (((HUGS)))
pretty dramatic low point today. the mutual dissolving of the relationship between Mary and I has degraded into scorned and getting ghosted. I feel like I'm cursed, like I'm broken and unlovable.
It's normal to feel that way. Wrap your head around that Orange, that's right, you are NORMAL! Not broken, not unlovable, just going through the emotional turmoil of ending a relationship.
Additionally it really makes me wonder Why I am always so desperate to have someone in my life.
Now that is a good question to contemplate. Because it's OK to WANT someone, but not OK to NEED them. If you need someone to fill a hole in your life, then that's unhealthy. Fill that hole yourself first (I'm bracing myself for someone to throw a dirty pun in here
)
every serious relationship I've ever been in, 4 that I can think of, have all ended in a similar fashion.
Then make #5 different, and thank the heavens above that the first 4 learning experiences prepared you for the best, most meaningful relationship of your life.
moreover I'm scared shittless then I'm going to literally spend the rest of my life overworked tired and alone.
A lot of us feel that way coming out of a LTR, and many jump into a new R too quickly after that. But if you give yourself some time to adjust and get used to being alone, it can be beautiful. It'll make you stronger and more independent. Less needy. You won't need someone to make you happy if you find happiness on your own. When you get to the point where you say "if I live the rest of my life without a romantic partner, it won't matter to me because I can find fulfillment without that" THEN you will set yourself up for the best R yet.
I've reached that age where most of my friends are busy with their own families.
Make new friends.
on the days that I don't have him I am crippled by depression and loneliness.
See a doctor and get evaluated for depression. There's no shame in seeking help and I can personally tell you that the right medication can make a HUGE difference in how you feel and your outlook on life, even if just taken temporarily.
AS has shown you the attitude and way forward . Take some time to digest what he has said and make it work for you , amazing days await , get in the right frame of mind , fake it until you make it . You can do it !!
the ending of a relationship, brief as it was definitely triggered some emotional regression and a bit of depression. However my situation is far different now than it was this time last year, things are going really well at my new job. I finally have a new vehicle and a new apartment which I know I posted a lot about throughout the year last year needing those things. I'm still having trouble with my budget and this is one thing I am very much resolved to fix. There are still some lifestyle changes that I can make to be a better person. quitting smoking will save money and health. I have had a large desire to create lately I want to start writing again and get my blacksmithing Forge up and running. I'm almost sorely tempted to just put my TV in my closet. Although I don't waste a whole lot of time on television the little bit I do spend could be better used. barely staying afloat financially on a constant basis certainly adds to my stress level. I've been going to bed earlier and getting up earlier which has helped. oddly I have been experiencing the stomach twisty feelings again and the first time I can honestly say I have no idea why. It doesn't hurt when you overhear your boss speaking your Praises at your new job
Just got to vent about something. My delivery route at my new job makes me drive by om house pretty frequently. Just had to drive by there fairly early in the morning and seeing her car there and knowing that yet again my son is sleeping on the floor of this guy's bedroom fills me with rage. with all the money they have spent on new vehicles and vacations they could have gotten themselves a place to live where S4 actually has his own bedroom. The misappropriation of priorities makes me irate. I'd be lying if I said that there wasn't still some left over anger simply from seeing her there. I'm sure that's by Design on her part. As much as logical thinking has been defeating emotional thinking lately there are still situations where the basic human emotions boil up from within my bones. The Injustice of it all is still so damn frustrating. Thankfully it's game night tonight and I'm going to let my preparations consume my thoughts for the day. Always fun to think of new and inventive ways to challenge my group. I also have a gaming card tournament coming up this weekend I have been looking forward to. I'm just still waiting for the day that I achieve true apathy in all aspects of anything having to do with ex-wife. That will be the day.
OK, this is why I think it is so important for you to remain in counseling. You need to work through the unresolved feelings and emotions. Your relationship with her was ripped away leaving a gaping wound. That doesn't heal without proper attention.
I've mentioned before that I watch Dr. Phil. It is one of my W's and my favorite thing to do together. Yesterday they ran a show from a few years ago where a woman and her mother were keeping her daughter away from her ex-husband because they were still bitter and angry that he left her for another woman. Dr. Phil got her into counseling to deal with those unresolved emotions because it was putting her special needs daughter in the crossfire.
If you get yourself well emotionally, you will be a better coparent for you S because of it. And it will set you up for better success when the next "Mary" comes into your life.
I know you say money is an issue.....and that you can't afford it. Again I will repeat that you can't afford NOT to get this dealt with.
Peace brother. And, as always, I will keep you in my prayers.
I just have to remind myself that The glittering facade of their happiness is simply that, an illusion. That's what she does, projects an air of success happiness and contentment when in reality she is constantly bored dissatisfied bitter and cynical. Even if it was not a facade and illusion, their happiness or unhappiness should not matter to me. it's nice that that feeling of irritation when it gets under my skin is very fleeting and does not last long at all, I would even call it annoyance or irritation more than I would anger. Or at least that's how it feels 5 minutes after the fact.
Steve, I agree. Id love to be in counciling again.
I just had to postpone getting health ins. For S4 and myself as i cannot afford even that.
Which is frustrating as having insurance would make getting an IC more realisticaly affordable.
Im doing well though.
Like I said, these moods don't set up on me for the entire day anymore. It's just kind of a fleeting Burst of emotion that goes away after 10 minutes or so. And they're becoming less and less common. I still think it stems from the fact that I have yet to ever have an opportunity to say my piece to her. I realize at this point that that's kind of pointless if I were to ever get that opportunity, and I probably wouldn't take it if it presented itself. I'm still jealous a little bit, I don't think that's an unrealistic feeling. It doesn't mean that I necessarily want what I'm jealous of it's just the lingering damage of being left behind for someone else. That feeling of inadequacy and inferiority. Even though I know that I am not in any way shape or form inferior to om. I have been refreshing myself on the behavioral patterns of narcissistic type people to keep my mind well rooted in reality. I think becoming single again made me start to second-guess a lot of the conclusions I had drawn about her behavior and the way that she manipulate people's emotions. I need to keep myself well reminded of the fact that that's all it is manipulations and self defense mechanisms that she subconsciously does.
Well it´s logical to get angry. Just find a way to use the energy into something positive. Get used to defuse that bomb. Keep walking your road. It´s not a matter of inferiority or similar. It´s about balance and stability. Be the healthy parent for S4.
Keep Strong there O, keep DB.
Steve, I agree. Id love to be in counciling again.
I just had to postpone getting health ins. For S4 and myself as i cannot afford even that.
Which is frustrating as having insurance would make getting an IC more realisticaly affordable.
Im doing well though.
Like I said, these moods don't set up on me for the entire day anymore. It's just kind of a fleeting Burst of emotion that goes away after 10 minutes or so. And they're becoming less and less common. I still think it stems from the fact that I have yet to ever have an opportunity to say my piece to her. I realize at this point that that's kind of pointless if I were to ever get that opportunity, and I probably wouldn't take it if it presented itself. I'm still jealous a little bit, I don't think that's an unrealistic feeling. It doesn't mean that I necessarily want what I'm jealous of it's just the lingering damage of being left behind for someone else. That feeling of inadequacy and inferiority. Even though I know that I am not in any way shape or form inferior to om. I have been refreshing myself on the behavioral patterns of narcissistic type people to keep my mind well rooted in reality. I think becoming single again made me start to second-guess a lot of the conclusions I had drawn about her behavior and the way that she manipulate people's emotions. I need to keep myself well reminded of the fact that that's all it is manipulations and self defense mechanisms that she subconsciously does.
Yes, OK, I can relate to this so much. My ex-GF jerked me around for decades (literally). Just as I would start to move on she would come around to suck me back in. I never did counseling, but I wish I would have. Because the only other thing that works is time. Every situation is different but in affairs of the heart it is usually a VERY LONG TIME. Many years later certain things would still trigger pangs of anger, bitterness, sadness and/or grief. After years and years I was finally able to get over it and move forward, even despite her efforts to keep me hanging on.
You do know that kids can pretty much always be covered for insurance right?
Have you applied for Medicaid? I don’t know what state you live in, but usually every state ensures that a kid does not go uninsured if a parent can not afford it.
I don’t know your financial situation, but you may be able to qualify for Medicaid too. Or at least you should get some sort of Obama care even a cheap one.
There really is no reason no one should go uninsured now. Especially a child
Ginger, he used to be on State Insurance, when ex-wife started her new job it was determined that we both made too much to qualify. As far as any Obama Care type stuff that's what I had in my last job and it was grossly unaffordable. I just have to be patient. I'm going to present my financial situation to the court and show them that I can get really good insurance but I just need to have adjustments made to child support before I am able to do so. I live in New Hampshire which is a bit of a double-edged sword. Our state motto is Live Free or Die, a lot of the laws is that most states have regarding protecting the people are not in place here. We have no lemon laws for cars, one of the lowest minimum wages in the country, no seat belt law, no laws requiring health or car insurance.
Looking for a bit of advice, ex-wife asked me to watch S4 in a few weeks on her weekend so she can go to a wedding. I have plans that weekend but they're not crucially important ones. Trying to decide if I should take the opportunity to spend some extra time with S4 but that also means that I will be giving ex what she wants so she can go off and have fun and push her parenting responsibilities off on me. Vs taking some time for myself and telling her to make her own arrangements for babysitting on her own childcare time. I really don't feel like doing her any favors because I know she just expects it. the father in me wants to just say yes so I can spend some time with my kid but the logical side of me says that she should take care of her own parenting responsibilities and let me have my time to myself when it's my weekend. any input would be appreciated. For context she asked me about two weeks ago and I said I would look into it and ask her to remind me as the date approached closer. It's in two weeks and she hasn't said a thing about it
O,
If you aren't giving up any important event, I don't see a reason why you shouldn't do it. She asked you four weeks in advice, which is respectable and considerate. She doesn't ask all the time, so she probably used you as a last resort.
Also, if she doesn't bring it back up, I would just leave it be. Since you didn't say yes when she first asked, she probably felt that you couldn't/didn't want to do it, so she probably found someone else to watch him.
I don't see a problem in you helping her out.
When you make your decisions, you need to leave teaching her a lesson out of it. She’s going to a wedding, it’s not ditching parental responsibilities. If you were a couple and had a wedding to go to and got. Babysitter would that be both of you ditching parental responsibilities.
It’s not your job to punish her or teach her a lesson.
You have many years of coparenting ahead. You may have a wedding to go to one day on your time with S4. You might need her to take him. Would you like her to return the courtesy? Or do you want to be so rigid that when you need something she won’t work with you?
I often take my daughter when my ex has something to do. And I don’t really care what it is. If I can, I will. And he does the same for me. My poor boyfriend’s ex is horribly rigid to the minute of parenting time. He wishes to god they can just be a little flexible for life’s events on both ends.
Look big picture. What she does with her time is none of your concern anymore. But she told you what it was and it was pretty valid. Just remember you might be in her shoes one day.
O - I used to think that way early on now I don't give a $hit. I take my girls whenever I can get them, I stop by their practices to see them when it is not my week to have them and if the XW asks me if she can drop them off early I often agree if I am not doing anything.
When you get to the point to where you do what you want to do for yourself and only yourself with no consideration for what your XW is doing then you have truly detached.
I could care less what my xw is doing or has planned when she asks me if she can drop of early or etc. The thought no longer crosses my mind In fact she did it two weeks ago as she wanted to go to brunch with her girlfriends on a Sunday afternoon.
Since I no longer desire her I could care less what she thinks I keep to myself and do my thing.
I would concur.....think big picture.
Please start a new thread and link both threads together. Thanks!
Ginger, the only problem is that no matter how many favors I do, she will only ever do what serves her. There will never be any consideration of things I've done in the past to help her out if I ever ask a favor. I'm not trying to teach her any lessons here I'm simply trying to illustrate the fact that she should probably figure out her own solutions for not having a babysitter. I'm not trying to be spiteful here but I honestly believe that the only reason she asked me is because it's the easiest option for her and she wouldn't have to pay any babysitters. Additionally as I mentioned I do have plans, I should not be expected to drop what I'm doing just to accommodate her needs. You both mention how You helped your exes out and they do the same for you. I wish I could say the same. please remember that there is no semblance of compassion or equal treatment in her mind. The only things that matter to her are when people can do things for her so she doesn't have to do them herself.
additionally I don't think I would ask her for a favor like that. I have family and friends that can help me out in situations like this, and given the complaints I get from S4 about his time with her I would much rather send him to see his uncle and Aunt or my grandparents if I needed a babysitter
Honestly I think I'm just going to wait and see what she does. If she doesn't ask again that I'm not going to plan my weekend around her, when she asked a few weeks ago I said I would see what I could do. If she does not follow up to make arrangements with me then that's her problem. I'm not going to break no contact and initiate a conversation to remind her of a favor she asked me. there's a part of me that honestly believes that the only reason she asked me in the first place was to test the waters and see how pliable and agreeable I would be. I think there's a part of her that would still get great satisfaction out of knowing that I would be willing to do her favors after everything she's done. Ginger please remember the Spite and Vengeance this woman is capable of. the calculating and manipulative the decisions she makes
So you have asked with advance notice before if she could take son for an event and she turned you down out of spite?
In most divorce decrees, including my own, the parent who needs coverage on their parenting time MUST ask the custodial parent before any 3 rd party. If parent refuses, then they move onto a babysitter.
If you don’t want to and can’t for your own self. Don’t do it.
You said you would see what you could do and never got back to her? She just might not want to push too hard and is waiting for you to get back to her. Don’t let it linger. If you don’t want to, tell her no. Nothing wrong with that as long as you are saying no for yourself. But don’t let it linger.
I do believe in treating others as I want to be treated, even if they do t treat me the same way back. Sometimes people will follow my lead. And by that, I’m not saying to say yes, I’m just saying you said you would check if you could, at least get back to her on that with a definitive answer.
Live your life as you would, not how other people would react to it
That last line speaks volumes. And that's exactly what I shall do. I live my life taking responsibility for what I need to take care of. I follow up on what I need to follow up on. and I put my son first. If she needs something and wants to make plans to make a commendations there in then she can reach out to me and follow up to make plans. let me rephrase, when she asked a few weeks ago I told her I didn't know what my plans were and to follow up with me When it got closer to remind me. I obviously haven't forgotten and do not need reminding, but I never agreed to do her the favor. if I know anything about her she probably assumed that I'm going to. Despite the fact that I did not say that I would. If she does not follow up and make plans then that's her problem and if I have resolved to go and do what I have planned then she's crap out of luck. I will consider what you said about treating people the way you want to be treated but I spent the last year of my life training my mind to realize that she is not the person that I thought she was and does nothing if it does not benefit her directly. I'm not in the habit of bending over and doing favors for people like that especially ones that have going out of their way to slander my reputation, have me arrested under false pretenses, lie, cheat, and manipulate. And honestly, I'm not exactly tickled pink about the idea of babysitting while she can go to a wedding considering that's exactly what I was doing 3 weeks after our own wedding while she was off at her friend's wedding cheating on me. She has spent her life having people do things for her and clean up her messes after her. I'm not joining the ranks of those people. If she wants to act like an adult it approached me about a situation and have a discussion about it I may feel inclined to do the favor but if she expect me to just bend over and do what she wants when she wants she's got another thing coming
also our divorce decree does not require that she asks the other parent for babysitting first. That's actually a specific point that has been discussed heavily due to the situation last October with her father.
An old Cherokee is teaching his grandson about life:
“A fight is going on inside me,” he said to the boy.
“It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One is evil–he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.”
He continued, “The other is good – he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. The same fight is going on inside you–and inside every other person, too.”
The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather: “Which wolf will win?”
The old Cherokee simply replied, “The one you feed.”
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