Link to Old Thread:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2787292#Post2787292For those catching up, Court tomorrow for RO case, of which i am innocent. Lets see if the court believes the truth or the tall tales of an adorable manipulating liar.
Calm Orange
Breathe
Sending you strength for tomorrow
No anger please, just follow the lead of your L. If you need to agree to stay away mean it.
V
Sending you strength for today. Easy.
V
Peace be with you my friend
About to head out for court. Fresh clothes , showered, shaved. A bit nervous but ok overall. Ill report in when im done.
Time for a karma shift.
Imagine we are with you in support.
V
Good luck today. I hope things work out for you...
I've said a prayer for you OK.
O - Stay strong.....I stood in front of the judge about a month ago. If I can do it so can you....
misdemeanor got knocked down to a violation I could have gone to trial but my lawyer told me I probably would have gotten prosecuted if I did so I got in order to pay 950 in restitution which is BS because I didn't do it. Fine suspended based on good behavior. The no contact order is now change so that we can only communicate via text or email and it has to only be regarding child care. That was her choice that was her call. She's continuing to use this as an avoidance tactic And to make me look bad so she can sell her BS story to whoever she needs to easier because of course I look like the bad guy. In reality she's just avoiding everything. I'm going to go celebrate By burning the wedding dress she left in the storage unit to be thrown away. I'm done dwelling on this I'm done giving her the benefit of the doubt. She is exactly what I thought she was since this all came out. A narcissistic manipulative Hurtful person. I'm just lucky she showed her true colors while I was still 30. Now I just have to Greystone the crap out of her for the next 15 years. The Injustice of this all is enough to make me sick. she's never going to admit what she did she's never going to show. Your remorse and at this point I'm convinced that she already knew this was all going to happen the day we were standing there speaking our vows. this entire thing was premeditated from day one. I was the targeted victim of a calculated 5-year attack. how am I ever going to trust anyone ever again?
Ok, take a deep breath. Give it some time. Don't do anything rash. You are still emotional right now and that's never a good state to make decisions in. Give it some time, get your mind off of it. Then come back and if you still feel the same then by all means make your decision.
Going gray with her is smart.
Dont burn the dress!! Any way you can sell it on ebay and recoop some of your financial loss?
It will get easier for you, now that you know who she is.
Please don't burn that dress. Sell it on offerup or letgo. I sell alot of stuff on those apps.
After you sell it go get a nice bottle of some really good liquor.
Or take your next date out all thinks to your W.
It was only 200 brand new. She never hed or preserved it, then left it in a puddle in the storage unit i payed for. Enough about the dress please. it was a relic from a fabricated relationship that was causing me pain to have in my possession that obviously held no sentimental meeting to my wife as she left it to be thrown away in a storage unit. It is gone now, purged from my life as it should be. Let's move on from the dress please. it's done and I'm glad I did it.
Today was crappy but its over. It is what it is. Im left feeling very apathetic about this all. Ready to just get divorce over with. I married a snake oil saleswoman. She is a predator that chose a new target. Good luck and good riddance.
Now i can truly focus on GAL.
I am really pleased, seems like a reasonable compromise. And sounds like you carried yourself well.
Well now you know you can never unknow.
If you need to burn the dress burn It! Take it out on the damn thing. Personally I would have used it as bum wipes. But hey, each to their own.
There is plenty of time, vent away. It's safe here to vent.
V
It all turned out fine Orange. At least with the anger you have now, you can move on and be done with his chapter of your life. Anger or detachment, whatever works to get to a better place. Slam this door shut tight so you can open the one where you will find true happiness.
Now that I've had some time to unwind I'm actually feeling quite at peace with everything. I no longer have any hope or desire for reconciliation or avoiding divorce. And I'm honestly happy about it. I'm sure some emotions will recycle eventually but I'm feeling pretty good. I still have a long road ahead of me between fixing my budget and saving money and getting an apartment, getting through the divorce process in a fair way. I do like the progress I've made so far in getting a life, I'm already in better shape than I have been in years and I know I can try harder with my exercise routine. I have an awesome group of friends and some fantastic family and great support at work. I'm a good guy and I know my value. The right situation will come along for me eventually. I need to quit smoking continue to get into better shape fix my budget and get myself situated in my own living space. after that I need to start focusing again getting to becoming a full-time firefighter. I'm glad I have goals. lastly I'm glad I have the support of the people on this forum Community. I have learned so much about what I'm dealing with and myself period between this ordeal in the support I've received here it has made me grow into a better man. I will continue to improve myself and I'll be sure to keep in touch with everyone here as things develop. I think my story could be valuable to newcomers even as my divorce processes through completion. Even as I Grow and adapt to that new lifestyle. Thank you all so much
It is a big change to your life, this wasn't your life plan to get a divorce.
Now it needs to be tho, about you, not us. Best for orange and yes you have some swings we all do. Some of us are thick and believed the brain washing from the abuse and take longer to admit it's done.
I didn't want to let go, it had been on and off fro years. I thought he was faking his a. That she wasn't reAl because who would want a man who spent 50min ranting about how I didn't live because I bought hemeroid suppositories rather than cream!
That was because to the a person they aren't that person. It takes us time to work out our h or w is t that person or any person we would want to be with... and the m Is it was long dead. Any reconciliation would need to be new. In a way.
This was what i needed. It proved to me, finally, that she is the toxic person i suspected. Strictly only cares about herself and getting what she wants, and damn be to those that get in her way.
I had been holding on to a list iota of benefit of the doubt for her.
When it became obvious SHE was the one pushing to continue to RO, not the prosecution, it proved it once and for all for me.
It flies in the face of the last messages i recieved from her the day of, and the day after the TRO was put in place.
Message #1: "Your dad just called me and said you were in jail! i hope you;re ok! i have no idea whats going on this is awful!"
Next Day
Message 2: "I am so sorry that all happened, i only wanted to call and report the damages, and i didnt know youd get arrested or anything, i really am so sorry about this"
Clearly those were BS, along with all the obvious manipulations lies and abuse over the last 2 years.
I cant believe i fell for her tricks and lies, i feel so foolish that i held on to hope for so long, but live and learn i guess.
I know that we wont speak or see each-other for at least another year. I am happy about it.
I Know she will continue her self destructive cycles and her life will just get harder, and sadder.
I was mad at OM, jealous of him. Now i just puty him. I know he is still basking in the light of love bombing and limerance.
Poor boy, his time is limited, but i got no dog in that fight anymore. As long as he is good to my son, which he seems to be, not my problem.
I feel a new momentum, a new purpose.
There is NO motivation to impress her, or win her over, at all.
In fact i wish the opposite. I hope she fades further and further out of my life forever.
When she DOES see me though, i will have quit smoking (something she always hated), be in great shape, probably have a new home and car, and she will see what she discarded.
And i dont care what she will think when she does.
Not at all.
I am new.
I am valuable.
I am strong.
I am better.
Oculi velatum ante finem veriorem nunc vides.
Vae victus
Orange, bad move on burning the dress, I am very disappointed in you. You should have put it on your dog and posted pictures of that on Facebook and Instagram
Kidding, just kidding! No I think sometimes you have to do something like that because it can be very cathartic! For me it was taking down all the pictures of W in the house. You keep doing you
it was glorious.
A few other artifacts went with it as well.
A full purge.
For the first time EVER i feel like i am truly seeing this whole situation clearly.
It feels good to be free.
My dear Vanilla,
Thank you for your support. It helped a lot.
So now that the veil is truly lifted, we need to chat about her Mindset, and how i can go abouyt safely and productively co-parenting with a woman like this.
I need to expect the bad things and plan on best way to mitigate them when they arise.
1.) increased manipulation, smear campaign and attacks.
2.) The dreaded HOOVER (if you asked me a week ago i would have WANTED this, no longer!) **this is a big one i need to plan for, as i may find myself weak someday and she may choose then to try and re-insert her fangs)
3.) How she will treat my son as he ages and develops.
4.) what i can do to protect myself and my son as this situation develops and ages.
Orange
A tiny word, sit by V.
You have been running on adrenalin. It gets you through quite a lot, trouble is adrenalin is tough on the body long term. That's when cortisol kicks in.
So expect to be very very tired and need lots of rest for at least 2 months. No alcohol and delicious fresh vegetables.
You smoke so plenty of vitamin C etc. You may need a health check as I know you also exercise.
Extreme self care. OK extreme.
And no concerns if you need lots of early nights and naps during the day. It's ok on that.
After my ordeals I usually juice fast.
Lots of lovely time with your S3 and hugs. I believe in hugs. Kids notice this stuff even young ones. Hugs, fresh air and play are the prescription.
Remember this is a marathon not a sprint.
For the meantime, stop fretting, thereliable are action plans at each bridge you cross.
I did say hugs didn't I?
I am sure I did.
V
And the board is a great place to plan for your 4 points above. And get great feedback.
V
Emotionally i feel more stable than i have in YEARS, even well before BD. I havent felt this sure of myself since my wedding day (ironic i know, but i was riding a pretty serious life high that day, i thought i had it all! Jokes on her!)
What i need now is a plan, a good solid one, to get through Divorce, and have rebuttals and plans of action for that various things she could do to try and spike my wheel, or reel me back in if (when, not if) OM starts to bore her. I don't think this will take long as they have already been dating over a year, and I know now looking back HER limerence / "butterfiles" / Crush, goes away within about that time.
I know you said it isnt limerence, but i still believe she TRULY believes she is in love for a while, but when it fades i feel like she is aware enough to be able to internally say something to the effect of "Oh, damn, its happened again, time to start scheming and playing damage control, time to start hunting for the next target"
I do feel as though my new solidified position of negative attention source will help preserve her relationship with OM, as she wont need to look to his friends or family for people to treat negativly, get negative supply from and it will take longer for her to turn on him.
This is where Greystone comes in. If i am NOT A GOOD source of negative energy, she will seek it elsewhere.
I have NOT A CARE IN THE WORLD how long things last with OM. Seriously I dont, i just know the faster she gets bored with him, the faster she will want to look at me or others for both positive and negative fuel sources. I want to avoid this at all costs.
She is definitly using this as an avoidance technique, perhaps she hopes by the time this new RO gets lifted (1 year from today) i will have forgotten much of what happened and she will assume we will build some sort of friendly co-parenting scenario. Like her mom and dad.
She is a cycler, a repeater, to guess her future actions, all i need do is look to the past, or even at her mother, as they care very much cut from the same cloth.
i know this all sounds like attachment and pursuing.
It is not.
It is a game-plan to help mitigate the tactical strategies of the enemy.
Until such time as she shows she can act somewhat like an adult and establish an amicable (NOT FRIENDS) co parenting scenario, i will have to regard her as just that, the enemy.
I dont want to have to think of her this way, but for now i must.
Both input from other females, as well as the Vets familiar with PD's and WW's is much appreciated.
I will continue to update as to any developments, her actions or lackthereof, as well as my advancement and victories in GAL'ing and true NC / Greystone.
My son and myself are now my only focuses after getting Divorce out of the way.
What is Greystone? I'm not familiar with it...
It is a technique used in lieu of full NO CONTACT, like NONE.
For use when you need to co-parent or otherwise co-exist with a toxic person who will manipulate, lie and feed off of your attention (positive or negative attention, they desire both)
think of it as Going Dark on steroids.
The point is to be as boring as a grey stone. So they find you dull and uninteresting and will leave you alone as you are not a good source of negative attention, admiration or drama.
Answer all questions in vague, boring ways, do not let them know anything good going on in your life.
give no information to them at all, for any reason, unless you are legally required to do so.
Aaaaand the custody BS already begins. My MIL has to take on WW's resposibilities of pickups and drop offs for the next year because of the extended RO from yesterday.
This is going to continue to cause issues and problems.
Her hiding isnt going to change anything.
I just told MIL basically
"I want nothing to do with her and have nothing to say to her, but it is unfair to you to need to bear the burden of all the driving because of this. I will do my best to accomdate your needs in the next year, but S3 and my schedule will take priority. I will be sugjessting a much different custody schedule so S3 isnt being swapped around so much and he can have a consistant schedule for dinner, and bedtime, as he hasnt for some time and its effecting him at school"
Too much info? Advice on how to handle this moving forward is appreciated from those who have been through the mire of custody disputes.
Uhg. i just want this all to go away. Wish i had never even met her.
Yeah, this bologna RO is ridiculous. This is why many divorce experts caution you to do NOTHING that the WAS can use against you.
What your STBXW doesn't realize is that with a 3 year-old she will eventually have to face you. As long as you both are still alive, you will have to be coparents regardless of your marital status. She is hiding from it now, but eventually that RO will be gone, and you'll be swapping your son directly. And then there are other events that you'll both be invited too. Young people think in such short-term terms, but you and her are linked together for a longtime whether she likes it or not. And her mom won't always be there to be the go between.
Im requesting an emergency custody meeting, im not putting up with thise for months while D is ongoing. I want custody decided ASAP so there is a clear cut plan that we both need to adhere to so there isnt any BS that can be pulled on either side (hers...)
OK I went back into your thread to try to find why there was a TRO, all I found was something about your W saying you dented her car, but it was a lie.
Can you tell us that story again? I find it very difficult to believe that the courts would uphold a RO for 1 1/2 over a dent in a car?
Jan 24th 2018 - MC meeting that went very very sour, she told me she wanted divorce, i had been put on Meds the day prior for anxiety and depression.
I recall the meeting getting argumentative, then i next recall driving away from the meeting.
Evidently during an argument in the parking lot i allegedly punched the trunk of her car, which i may well have done, i literally do not recall doing so.
Yesterday i was told by my lawyer to take the plea deal as if i went to trial I would be charged, she knows the judge and prosecutor well, and it was set up to fail no matter what.
A TRO was issued on Jan 24th when the event happened, on Feb 27th it was continued and all conditions and orders were held in place.
Yesterday as part of the plea deal from the prosecutor, at the request of WW, the RO was extended to 1 year from yesterdays date, i can only communicate with her via text email or mail, and only regarding childcare.
As ive said, its a phenomenal avoidance technique considering she knows she did everything wrong and cheated, lied and manipulated.
Now that i'm not obsessing over her and begging and pleading, and she knows i know the truth of her demonic personality, she is avoiding me at all cost, and using the RO to reinforce her Smear Campaign that i am abusive, angry and violent.
I am not and have never been. Never ever.
Temper? yes, violent or abusive? Never in 1000000000 years. Deplorable.
I will be continuing to communicate through her mother until such time as she reaches out to me.
I'm not reaching out first.
I find it very difficult to believe that the courts would uphold a RO for 1 1/2 over a dent in a car?
So was I, and my lawyer. She said it was a "Specific line drawn in the sand by WW and the Prosecution, very uncommon"
It technically expired yesterday when the case was resolved, but part of my "Sentence" is for it to continue for a year
I have no desire to speak with her about anything, I'm just frustrated she continues to hide from her adult and parental responsibilities and throw her mother under the bus.
Orange
Please calm down.
If you really want grey rock then no emails.
It's far too soon to knee jerk your reaction and demand schedule changes.
Go GAL relax and give yourself time.
You have time.
V
You have no control over WW or any reactions she has, or her mother.
And your statement that she is hiding is inconsistent with you wanting NC.
You are all 9ver the place.
Calm down.
My thoughts
V
You have no control over WW or any reactions she has, or her mother.
They are both making something that should be simple overly complicated.
And your statement that she is hiding is inconsistent with you wanting NC.
Just because I am identifying a behavior pattern doesn't mean i want her to change it or expect something different. She can hide all she'd like. Makes my life easier.
If you really want grey rock then no emails.
I havent emailed her. Dont plan on it. That would just be pointless.
It's far too soon to knee jerk your reaction and demand schedule changes.
Im not demanding anything. Anything i request will be denied. I am letting the court decide schedules.
Go GAL relax and give yourself time.
That is exactly may Plan V.
Ok WTF. I thought this was over. Massive wave of emotions. I weas riding such a high after yesterday, and that didnt even go well for me. I felt liberated for a solid 24 hours. then Bam, bummed out again.
uhg.
Injustice and frustration, not attachment or missing her.
OK it isn't called a rollercoaster for nothng. And even in your high you still seemed angry. You won't truly be over her until you feel apathy towards her. Don't rush it. Let yourself work through the emotions and try to stay busy. Even during down time at the firehouse.
Ok WTF. I thought this was over. Massive wave of emotions. I weas riding such a high after yesterday, and that didnt even go well for me. I felt liberated for a solid 24 hours. then Bam, bummed out again.
uhg.
Adrenalin rush is over. Now Cortisol!
V
Ok WTF. I thought this was over. Massive wave of emotions. I weas riding such a high after yesterday, and that didnt even go well for me. I felt liberated for a solid 24 hours. then Bam, bummed out again.
uhg.
I'm way earlier in my sitch than you and I get the same feelings. You go feeling awesome for sometime and then out of the blue a huge depression hits. I have not been able to pin point it to anything other than i have a long ways to go in detaching. Keep at GAL and just trying to do anything that will leave you at a stand still, do not give your mind any free time to wander. Chin up O
Feeling the weight of all of it today. Not JUST my sitch.
Feeling pretty trapped. I have nothing to look forward to.
I havent had a "Good day" since perhaps my wedding / honeymoon, and now I know that was all fake anyway. Nothing has gone the right way in my life at all, my entire adult life.
I hate to sound like the disparaging drama queen but its the simple truth.
I am broke, my roommate wants me to move out, i have nowehere to move out to, except my brothers TINY TINY house.
I have been stagnant with my financials for years.
I am currently just making enough to pay people i borrow from back each week.
My son has been disobedient, aggressive and violent, argumentative, and flat out rejects my attention or affection. He deliberatly looks away, avoids my eye contact, wont answer ANYTHING i ask him and tells me No, and finds it amusing to defy and harrass me. His mother has brainwashed him to hate me.
If my car broke, id be screwed.
If i had a medical problem, screwed.
I dont have any fight left.
I seriously, SERIOUSLY considered on my drive to work today, that it might be in EVERYONES best interest if i were to just request minimal or no visitation, and leave the area once D was complete.
I feel like i need a new life.
this one was an utter failure, in all regards.
The temptation to flee is huge right now.
Im heartbroken, weary, beaten and defeated, destitute and substantially dissatisfied with every avenue of my life.
Bugging off into the woods for a few years seems altogether more satisfying.
These thoughts are absolutely completely on cue. NORMAL.
At this stage in my sitch I wanted to die, and seriouslyrics thought about it. I went to bed whilst my world fell about my ears, I was on the verge on bankruptcy. Went to bed for 6 weeks, no sheet changes, in the smallest darkest room in my house. I missed work deadlines, no one got paid. Awful awful awful soul seering pain, my life was over.
Then it got worse, the G started suing me demanding money. I came to the seaside sat in a cafe and posted here. It was despair.
The trouble is we see our lives through the lens of our trauma. We think it will never change. This is it for life. DUH! Every bad thinking process, catastrophic thinking, black and white, over emotional thinking, confusing thoughto and feelings....
To be clear, this reaction is normal and absolutely on cue. I can almost set my watch on when it will happen after the trauma you have been through. Oh yes, here it comes. Poster after poster and always the same.
You are not a failure, your life isn't done, it's a set back which if you grow through it will never happen again. Ever. You were a target and it really hurts. And I am not going to lie to you, there will be a part which will seem broken for a very long time. But it does lessen.
A set back, but also a growth opportunity. A challenge.
You have one very big important thing in your life to be a dad to S3. No one can do that job but you.
The housing sitch is temporary. The cash issue is temporary. The love of a dad for an S3 is bigger than all of that.
I Internet promise it gets better and better. This is the worst it could be. And you did terrifically well on Thursday last to get yourself through the court system with the result you did.
Hugs
V
Oh and your son is three. At that age they don't have the cognitive ability to hate nor be manipulated.
So I think he is being three, kicking off because he doesn't understand. And he will be sensitive to feel your pain too and your body language.
Detatch with love ok. Don't project W onto S3. Kids want to love their parents.
Lots of hugs and play. Lots of chatting and GAL with dad. Go do stuff that's free. Kids love swings and parks and play dates. Swimming and other cool stuff like making things, visiting fire stations, trains and travelling on buses. Zoos and petting parks.
What fun can be had with a blow up paddling pool and ice cream with sprinkles.
V
Shes just going to keep strolling trough life, getting what she wants through charm and manipulation.
Each time she purges a mate and a social circle, she will just move on after salting the Earth behind her.
I will never get closure.
I will never get justice.
I will never truly heal.
I will never truly trust again.
So much of my life has been uprooted, my finances, my morals, my outlook, my sucsess.
When do the scales balance?
It isnt friggin' fair.
She is an adult, as much as mentally she is not, she needs to deal with the rammifcations of her actions!
She cant hide behind the legal system and her parents from everyone, forever.
It doesnt make sense, she shouldnt get to stroll through life like this unopposed and victorious in her deceit and manipulation.
I want OM to see her true stripes, not for any reason of my own, but just so he would dump her and leave her alone and hurt, where she deserves to be.
I hate feeling vindictive like this.
I did everything the right way, when i was told i was having a child in 3 months, i ignored the lies about the preg and stepped up to the plate.
I was an attentive husband, i took care of her, cooked for her, cleaned the house, did my fair share of parenting, spent all my spare time and money on her and S3.
She spent her spare time seeing OM when i was working.
She spent her spare money on herself.
She thought of her wants before our sons needs and development.
WHY THE HELL DOES SHE COME OUT ON TOP?
its enough to drive one mad.
Its been 7 months since she left Vanilla. NC for 3 months. Literally not a word exchanged between us.
Why am i still so angry? Why cant i just let what she did go?
Why do i have this undying need for closure and justice?
Why do i fantisize about telling her all the things she did wrong, and fantasize about her accepting it and taking resposibility and apologizing, when i know that is never going to happen. She doesnt feel bad, she doesnt feel anything. She is dead inside.
WHY DO I CARE STILL?
why am i so co-dependant?
I hate being alone.
And all this anger leads to feelings of loss, unfairness, and missing her, or her fabricated avatar anyway.
I have seen IC's
I have been GAL
I have been NC
I have focused on my physical shape, S3, other activities.
NOTHING HAS CHANGED.
I still run through the same cycles of tumultuous emotions each week.
I still miss her a lot of times.
I still sexually fantasize about her. A LOT
I've still yet to see or meet a woman i find equally or more attractive.
i want to hold and be held by her.
I WANT HER TO HONOR HER F***ING VOWS.
I still keenly feel the loss of my family, my home, my SONS HOME. (which he still asks about frequently)
I also feel like he doesn't misbehave for her like he does for me. He cries "MMMAAAAAAAMAAAAAAAAA" when hes upset around me, and wants no consolement from me.
Just feels like ill be in this limbo forever, and it will repell any woman who comes my way.
I dont want to date a woman with kids, and I know thats selfish.
I didnt want to raise my son alone, or with someone other than Wife. I never wanted her sharing parenting with any OM.
I dont think its healthy.
I see what growing up in a family with multiple divorces did to her. I dont want that for my son.
She Deliberately destroyed everything. Knowingly, premeditated, and calculated.
Why do i still harbor ANY positive feelings for a monster like that?
A lot of times i dont even want to be a dad anymore. I never asked for it, it was forced on me without my consent or input, and i was lied to about it for months.
I stepped up and did the right thing, and what did it get me?
Divorcing, arrested, slandered and destroyed.
you all have been so helpful and supportive, but I'm about out of gas.
I want to burn all i own, walk into the sunset and not look back.
I see people on here concerned if they are pursuing, or that they have an in -house separation, or MC isn't going as well as they'd like.
I'm honestly jealous of all of you.
You children are still in their own home and bedroom.
You can actually choose whether or not you want to speak with your WS, and can gauge reactions and the development of DBing as you go. You might still save your marriage, your WS admits to conflicting feelings between you and AP, or there is no Affair.
I am left in the dark, no explanations, no closure, no chances, no hope, No justice, or fairness for myself or S3.
I would be thrilled to be in the position a lot of you are.
At least you MIGHT have a chance, at least your WS is CAPABLE of possessing emotions, feeling guilt and remorse, that your entire marriage wasn't a pre-meditated lie.
Sorry to be the Lord King of Pessimists lately folks, but people said "vent here not IRL"
I am an industrial exhaust fan of venting.
Vent away. It's ok.
I don't have a child and my predominant reaction isn't anger.
ALL you are experiencing is normal when you are a target of these creatures. The cold manipulative disordered ones.
So your sitch is in the minority here of being abused by a psychopath. With all the attractive traits that go with it.
They map your desires to hook you as a supply resource. It's not real. They do that for themselves and it is unfair and awful to be a target. They become a new person for the next target.
So vent away.
V
Vanilla,
What do i do? please, advice me. the normal techniques arent working. they arent designed for my situation. I have tried everything i can think of to get over this, at least a little.
nothing is working.
I am still addicted.
i am still hooked.
Logic isnt defeating emotion like it should.
its killing me.
its. killing. me.
Orange,
I too am jealous of all the folks with In house seperations, the ones who still get to see their wives and GAL while they sit at home wondering. My WAW left the house 2 weeks after BD, and only 6 weeks since seperation and she has already filed for divorce! Even though she swore up and down that D didn't matter and it would be at least a year before she thought about filing.
Everyone's case is different. We just need to make the best with what we have. Keep up with your GAL. Make yourself better. You have no idea if any of what your doing is affecting your W, but it doesn't matter as these things are for you. She is not going to tell you anything positive. She probably cant even tell herself anything positive. I feel you, doing all the things for the family and staying 100% honest and loyal, and they turn around and piss it all away. I have the same feelings as you!
No closure
Will i be able to trust again
Will i ever reach the other side
How long will this take to forget
It's easier to say than to live by it but....TIME IS YOUR FRIEND. Take it a day at a time, keep posting here. Vent whatever is on your mind, dont be bummed if you dont get responses, keep POSTING. People listen. If anything you can look back at your post in the future and see how far you've come.
Keep your head up, Orange. I was venting to a friend last night about how sh!tty my life is, and he told me, "Your life isn't sh!tty, just your current situation". And you know what, he's right. This is all temporary. As hard as it may be, I've made the desision to stay positive. Any time I'm feeling down, she wins. Whether she is around to see it or not. And I've made it my goal to not let her win. You say that your W has it all and is getting everything she wants, but it seems to me like she's a real piece of crap. I would rather be a good person going through a rough time than a piece of crap always getting my way. And that's what makes us better than them. You'll be fine, dude. Like my buddy said last night, "Your life isn't sh!tty, just your current situation"...
My WAW left the house 2 weeks after BD, and only 6 weeks since seperation and she has already filed for divorce!
Also, it sounds more like a Knee jerk reaction from your Wife. If i had to guess, I'd say in a few weeks time she may have second thoughts. SHe was probably looking for a shock response. Keep DBing andf GAL and she will see the changes. give it some time. you still have hope. You have no idea if any of what your doing is affecting your W
If anything you can look back at your post in the future and see how far you've come.
As hard as it may be, I've made the desision to stay positive. Any time I'm feeling down, she wins.
You say that your W has it all and is getting everything she wants, but it seems to me like she's a real piece of crap. I would rather be a good person going through a rough time than a piece of crap always getting my way. And that's what makes us better than them. You'll be fine, dude. Like my buddy said last night, "Your life isn't sh!tty, just your current situation"...
.
"I would rather be a good person going through a rough time than a piece of crap always getting my way"Also true. There is value in being the bigger person for sure. When my soon is a teenager and can see who his parents really are, it will be worth it then.
I just hope she hits RB and gets some help before then.
Not holding my breath.Imma keep riding the roller-coaster and eventually it will come to a stop and ill catch the eye of a pretty lass as i go bnack out the turnstile.
No, no, no. Dont be jealous of others on the board that are still living with and pining for spouses that are cheatung and making fools of them.
You have a gift. The gift of knowing the truth. You now finally know what shes capable of. Hl dangerou for people who dont. Or who wont see.
A lot of people on here like to say that they are waiting for their apouses to hit rock bottom, so that maybe they will return.
I think we have to hit rock bottom. Theres freedom in knowing that there's no way to go but up. Thats where you are now.
Anger can take a long time. And i feel exactly as you do regarding the unfairness of your ex. But i think its a better place to be then wishing for them back. Cause then that gives them power to take advantage and expolit you. And they will if the can. But you know that now.
I dont want her return, just some accountability.
I can't post much in the next week or so as I have a law exam on the 14 May, but I am thinking about your question Orange.
It's a deep one so I want to marinade.
V
OK, let it out. this is what I meant the other day wh i said let the emotions flow. you're grieving and it's a process. You married a spoiled child that mommy jumps and rescues when the spoiled child says "I can't deal with it, I don't want to face that!"
The truth will be known some day. Take solace in that. The truth has a way of always being revealed. In the meantime leery yourself grieve. It's the only way to come through to the other side.
I had a good night last night reconnecting with some old friends at a bonfire. I have a great tribe. more time with friends plans today for a rainy day gaming session as well as some well-needed time off with my son. currently sitting in the parking lot waiting for mother-in-law to show up with my son which for whatever reason still gets me all nervous feeling
Great continue to keep busy. The best way to try to keep your mind from dwelling.
Stay strong Orange. Take care of your son.
(((Orange)))
for some reason this morning I am very tempted to send my wife the letter I had posted previously in my thread. I will repost it in a little bit I'd like to hear some opinions. I have a feeling I know what people are going to tell me, not to send it. But I just want some second opinions
Yes, you are right. I will vote "do not send".
Let me ask you a question, do you think it will help or hinder your goal? In fact, you've stated you don't want her back, so why would you send her the letter?
Let me ask you a question, do you think it will help or hinder your goal? In fact, you've stated you don't want her back, so why would you send her the letter?
- Steve, i honestly don't know. My gut tells me hinder but I've been dwelling a lot on how i feel her situation with OM is simply to save face, she madea dumb rash decision and basically now i feel like she feels stuck where she is at because the whole affair got blow into the public eye and shes just sticking to her guns to save face. On the other hand she had been "dating" him, EA for a long time before i found out too.
There are so many opposing behaviors. I dont get it.
Everything about our M seemed exactly what she had always wanted. Her situation with OM is exactly what she always avoided.
Everything she had done is contradictory to the person i thought i knew intimately.
I cant shake this feeling that there is a part of her that is so ashamed about what she did and heartbroken that its all gone, but at same time she has show behaviors that only display the opposite of that.
"In fact, you've stated you don't want her back, so why would you send her the letter?"
I do want her back, i want the woman i married back, not this monster that has taken her place.
I want my family back. Not this.
I never wanted to share parenting.
I never wanted separate houses.
I want the woman i knew back, not whoever this is. it isnt her.
this isnt the woman i know and love.
I knew i would get this response. Its why i asked before just sending it.
I need to hear why again. I need reinforcement.
For some reason my heart is trying to tell me this letter will somehow break through to her.
Humor me Sandi, i know my sitch is basically FUBAR, un-recoverable.
She is damaged, broken, selfish to a fault and has no moral compass at all, or guilt/remorse for that matter.
But i need to hear, from her perspective what this letter will do in her heart and mind if i were to send it.
I need to hear why i shouldnt, my resolve is very weak today.
It has been 103 days since i have seen, spoken to, heard from or made eye contact with the love of my life, after she had stabbed my heart out, time after time, lie after lie.
I should have moved on by now.
Why do i want to send the letter?
Why do i think it will make ANY difference??
Please help.
Detach - i am trying. Failing, but trying.
NC - easy, i have no choice in that matter.
Let me ask you a question, do you think it will help or hinder your goal? In fact, you've stated you don't want her back, so why would you send her the letter?
- Steve, i honestly don't know. My gut tells me hinder but I've been dwelling a lot on how i feel her situation with OM is simply to save face, she madea dumb rash decision and basically now i feel like she feels stuck where she is at because the whole affair got blow into the public eye and shes just sticking to her guns to save face. On the other hand she had been "dating" him, EA for a long time before i found out too.
There are so many opposing behaviors. I dont get it.
Everything about our M seemed exactly what she had always wanted. Her situation with OM is exactly what she always avoided.
Everything she had done is contradictory to the person i thought i knew intimately.
I cant shake this feeling that there is a part of her that is so ashamed about what she did and heartbroken that its all gone, but at same time she has show behaviors that only display the opposite of that.
"In fact, you've stated you don't want her back, so why would you send her the letter?"
I do want her back, i want the woman i married back, not this monster that has taken her place.
I want my family back. Not this.
I never wanted to share parenting.
I never wanted separate houses.
I want the woman i knew back, not whoever this is. it isnt her.
this isnt the woman i know and love.
You need to go back and read sandi's post on Wayward Wives. WWs are NOT the person you thought you knew. The girl you met, wooed, and married is gone. Potentially never to return, at least not on any timetable you might have or want.
So you would not be sending this letter to the girl you married, but to the monster that has taken her place. With that knowledge do you still think it is a good idea to send it?
Just calm down and keep strong man! Go GAL, keep your mind busy.
Enjoy the time with your son.
It is no easy but you must do it. Keep in touch with the forum. Stay calm. Read, sleep, go out running...Detach.
(((Orange)))
You need to go back and read sandi's post on Wayward Wives. WWs are NOT the person you thought you knew. The girl you met, wooed, and married is gone. Potentially never to return, at least not on any timetable you might have or want.
I will do that. How does this change happen? what causes it and is it a PERMANENT change? Forever? I don't understand this. How can someone have ideals, morals, boundaries and a plan for their life, and then completely abandon all of those, and literally nuke everything they have worked towards for 5 years? Where is the logic?
How is it rationalized at all? It makes no sense, even the lies and slander campaign? We spoke vows of eternal love, and she as far as i know, was already aware of what would happen or she changed her mind 150% within a 4 month time frame. IT DOESN'T COMPUTE.
So you would not be sending this letter to the girl you married, but to the monster that has taken her place. With that knowledge do you still think it is a good idea to send it?
If it could somehow shock her to reality, then yes.
Im just reeling from how much this doesn't make sense to me.
it flies in the face of everything i knew about her, everything she ever told me, every desire and hope she had ever expressed.
Im trying so hard to convince myself she isn't narcissistic and unfix-able, that she isn't the monster she has shown herself to be.
Heres the thing. Her past shows this pattern. I didnt know any of this when we met, dated or got engaged. I thought after i learned some of this about her that we were different.
That i had finally provided everything she was hoping for, but it really seems she will always want something more, or different.
I live in constant fear that OM will be the one she stays with. This infuriates me. He is inferior, it doesn't make sense. I'm not saying this out of jealousy or spite. He has no morals, he knowingly destroyed his own engagement and my family to be with my wife. He is far less attractive than me, he still lives with his parents.
the only thing i can think of is that he is more submissive, more plyable to her will and manipulations, but as long as they are together, i cant seem to let this go. I know i need to detach from her and OM and their situation together but i simply CANNOT. i have tried everything i can think of.
I LOVE HER TOO MUCH, SHE GOT ME ADDICTED TOO WELL.
everyone says time heals, i see other people who have been separated
far less time than me that are moving on, GAL'ing and detaching successfully. Why can i not do this? why am i failing?
Why can i not transfer my hurt, betrayal and pain to confidence, indipendance and freedom of will?
How does she hold such power over me, without even having to talk to me, see me, or anything?
The lack of closure is too much to bear.
I dont think ill ever heal without an explanation, some remorse, some actual emotion from her and ill never get it. She doesnt possess it.
Shes just going to hate me forever, and i didnt even do anything to make her hate me.
I feel demasculated, OM is an ugly chump and yet he has gotten all i ever wanted in life. He has stolen my family away from me, and she gave it all to him willingly.
I dont want to scare anyone, but this is literally driving me insane.
Im getting to the point where i dont want to do any of this anymore.
I want to burn everything i own, and leave, never to be seen here again.
I want to vanish.
The pain is too much to live with everyday. its too much, she took all i had.
Detaching and GAL seems like empty words to me. I Been trying for months. Its just getting harder, getting worse.
This back and forth is breaking me, as is the lack of closure, the abandonment, the discard, the loneliness, the deceptions, the fact that MY ENTIRE LIFE WAS A GIANT EFFING LIE.
I want to leave and never look back.
Looking forward to your post Neffer.
OK, I can't remember, but are you in IC? If not I strongly urge you to get into IC.
On my 2nd councilor.
It isnt helping. i find talking to friends or you all here far more helpful.
Im honestly going to stop going, it isnt helping and is a waste of money.
You need to go back and read sandi's post on Wayward Wives. WWs are NOT the person you thought you knew. The girl you met, wooed, and married is gone. Potentially never to return, at least not on any timetable you might have or want.
I will do that. How does this change happen? what causes it and is it a PERMANENT change? Forever? I don't understand this. How can someone have ideals, morals, boundaries and a plan for their life, and then completely abandon all of those, and literally nuke everything they have worked towards for 5 years? Where is the logic?
How is it rationalized at all? It makes no sense, even the lies and slander campaign? We spoke vows of eternal love, and she as far as i know, was already aware of what would happen or she changed her mind 150% within a 4 month time frame. IT DOESN'T COMPUTE.
So you would not be sending this letter to the girl you married, but to the monster that has taken her place. With that knowledge do you still think it is a good idea to send it?
If it could somehow shock her to reality, then yes.
Im just reeling from how much this doesn't make sense to me.
it flies in the face of everything i knew about her, everything she ever told me, every desire and hope she had ever expressed.
Im trying so hard to convince myself she isn't narcissistic and unfix-able, that she isn't the monster she has shown herself to be.
Heres the thing. Her past shows this pattern. I didnt know any of this when we met, dated or got engaged. I thought after i learned some of this about her that we were different.
That i had finally provided everything she was hoping for, but it really seems she will always want something more, or different.
I live in constant fear that OM will be the one she stays with. This infuriates me. He is inferior, it doesn't make sense. I'm not saying this out of jealousy or spite. He has no morals, he knowingly destroyed his own engagement and my family to be with my wife. He is far less attractive than me, he still lives with his parents.
the only thing i can think of is that he is more submissive, more plyable to her will and manipulations, but as long as they are together, i cant seem to let this go. I know i need to detach from her and OM and their situation together but i simply CANNOT. i have tried everything i can think of.
I LOVE HER TOO MUCH, SHE GOT ME ADDICTED TOO WELL.
everyone says time heals, i see other people who have been separated
far less time than me that are moving on, GAL'ing and detaching successfully. Why can i not do this? why am i failing?
Why can i not transfer my hurt, betrayal and pain to confidence, indipendance and freedom of will?
How does she hold such power over me, without even having to talk to me, see me, or anything?
The lack of closure is too much to bear.
I dont think ill ever heal without an explanation, some remorse, some actual emotion from her and ill never get it. She doesnt possess it.
Shes just going to hate me forever, and i didnt even do anything to make her hate me.
I feel demasculated, OM is an ugly chump and yet he has gotten all i ever wanted in life. He has stolen my family away from me, and she gave it all to him willingly.
I dont want to scare anyone, but this is literally driving me insane.
Im getting to the point where i dont want to do any of this anymore.
I want to burn everything i own, and leave, never to be seen here again.
I want to vanish.
The pain is too much to live with everyday. its too much, she took all i had.
The first part of your response, trying to apply logic to a WW, tells me that you are not retaining what you've read and should have learned from this forum. You cannot apply logic to WWs. They are driven by feelings, not thoughts. They are driven by what they think makes them happy, not logic. If you try to apply logic here you will drive yourself nuts. There is nothing logical about what she has done. And as long as she is wayward she will continue to be illogical.
On the second half, wow man. You need to dig deep and find your personal value. The value that you have devoid of everyone else. It is there. You have innate value, no matter what anyone else does or says. You are still defining yourself in terms of her. As long as you do that she wins.
Stay calm Orange. You have a son to raise. Please...
Do not play insane mind games. There is no need for that.
Stay calm. Take your time, enjoy your son.
Breathe, stay in peace with your mind. Please.
On my 2nd councilor.
It isnt helping. i find talking to friends or you all here far more helpful.
Im honestly going to stop going, it isnt helping and is a waste of money.
Don't stop. Find a new one. The right IC can make all the difference.
Its all the unanswered questions, all the unresolved pains.
She left and pushed me away, wouldn't answer anything, fed me breadcrumbs, told me contradictory stuff, lied to me about things we both know i knew.
This is why i cannot let go.
there are too many open holes, too many lose ends and unanswered questions.
I feel so devalued, so worthless and hated.
I get angry about being a Dad, i never asked to, but she got what she wanted, got her fake wedding and left me to die.
Ill never not need this information, these answers.
She damaged me for life.
I am so close to quitting all of this and leaving.
If you send her that letter i will be willing to bet good money that she will sit there and read it to all her friends and family and to OM. It will be further proof that "orange wont leave me alone. Why doesnt he get it. This is super creepy and boarder line stalkerish"
She will get off on having men fight for her and OM will get off on protecting her from you.
DONT SEND THE LETTER.
Get out of this mind set. The only way you can win this is by complete NC.
Fake it till you make it.
Take it day by day. Like your trying to give up sugar. Post here. " Made it 3 days with no contact" then make it a week. Then a month. You need it to break this addiction.
I cant afford it anymore. Im not looking for another one. those resources need to go elsewhere.
I make 15 an hour, and live in a very expensive area, im on the verge of homelessness and poverty as it is.
"Get out of this mind set. The only way you can win this is by complete NC.
Fake it till you make it."
Ive been NC since Jan 24th.
Not a word, eye contact, a single text/email/phone call.
Nothing.
Its only getting harder, and worse. Faking it isnt making it, i wish it would, but its not. Like i said, others have been doing this for less time with far more success. She trauma bonded me too good. I cant get her out of my head, i would physically purge her out if i could.
I wish i could get selective amnesia, that would be easier.
Although you make a great point about what she would do with the letter, thank you for putting it that way.
I crave that "Oh my god what have I done" from her so bad, i know its unhealthy, but i crave it, like a drug fiend. I try to keep it out of my head, and its so prevalent.
Listen to Steve: it is not about logic. Read again Sandis WW posts.
Go talk to a friend. Change your IC if the actual does not works.
Get some rest. Stay calm.
This is not a typical break up. Thats why your having trouble. There was conning and gaslighting and betrayal.
Its hard to believe that there are people in the world capapble of this until you actually meet them. I have an aquaintance that is a wayward that basically told me she went for her ex husband cause she ws aging and wanted a child. His business went under and she was outta there. (All the moms avoid her cause shes always leaving her kids with them any chance she can get to go out to dinner or go on dates)
There are people out there that are that selfish. And yeah, you fell for one. I did too. I was a cover story for a secret addict. Its easy, because i think a part of them falls for their own lies too. "Its only a lie if you believe it to be"
Is there motto.
You were conned. You were a victim. But you dont have to continue to be victimized. Cut the strings from her. She is toxic.
Maybe evaluate what made you susceptible to that type of persons bullsh!t in the first place. Lonely? Insecure?
People have told you numerous times. You have won, if the 2 of them end up with each other.
Focus on the big picture. Getting custody and making surw you have legal protection so your son isnt sleeping in the samr bed as the 2 of them.
Its all the unanswered questions, all the unresolved pains.
She left and pushed me away, wouldn't answer anything, fed me breadcrumbs, told me contradictory stuff, lied to me about things we both know i knew.
This is why i cannot let go.
there are too many open holes, too many lose ends and unanswered questions.
I feel so devalued, so worthless and hated.
I get angry about being a Dad, i never asked to, but she got what she wanted, got her fake wedding and left me to die.
Ill never not need this information, these answers.
She damaged me for life.
I am so close to quitting all of this and leaving.
OK, I know you think that being able to communicate with your W and even still living in the same house is easier. I can tell you it isn't.
The above quote feelings you are expressing you go through NO MATTER WHAT YOUR SITCH IS. I know you said in another post you envied those of us that still got to talk to and see our WWs. Well I envy you. You are NC not by choice, but guess what, seeing and talking to your WW makes it even harder to detach, GAL, 180, etc. Not reacting poorly to things she says and does are extremely difficult. There have been many times over the course of the last 5 months I should have shutup, walked away, validated, not engaged, not indulged, not initiated conversation, not begged, pleaded, reasoned, used logic, tried to convince, pressured, tried to reach out, and got rejected, got dismissed, got ignored, got disrespected, got verbally slapped, etc.
You got shutdown one time. I've gotten shutdown dozens of times. In the meantime, I am still supporting her financially. Despite all of the above. Yes she isn't currently in the arms of an OM. In some ways that would be even easier because I could move on, and focus on me and my daughter.
OK, you are spinning emotionally, I get it. Read my latest update and you will see that NONE OF US are immune from that. It can happen to any of us despite our current sitch, no matter how far along we are. Look at hoosjim, his WW seems to be fully committed back to their MR and doing the work, yet he still has things he dwells on and worries about.
OK, your son needs YOU. Not you in relation to your W, but YOU as the individual father in his life that will make all the difference in the man he grows up to be. Don't let your sitch with your W cause you to fall down on your responsibilities to him.
We all want validation. I still do and i have been on here since 2015 posting under a different name.
I am coming to the realization that they are a different type of people.
Sandi posted once in t2034 (a pregnant poster) thread that she didnt understand the mentality of the LBS. She didnt comprehend the connection people like us have for people like them. Something like that.
They lack empathy and the same moral codes that we do. We end up projecting our beliefs onto them. But they wont validate cause very few are capable of that type of remorse.
Waiting or expecting it is gonna hold you back.
It would be like expecting remorse from jeffrey dahmer for eating children. Sure he might have expressed it if it would have prevented the death penalty. But its not there for him. Trying to understand him and project foo issues on him and get him to see your point of view on not killing people is a big waste, makes it dangerous for you amd wont change the past or give closure.
Its hard. I get obsessive too. Thats why im still on these boards. Just give it time and live day to day. Get out with friends. Connect with other people. Thats very helpful.
OrangeK,
I read your last few posts. I really understand in many ways how you're feeling. It's not fair. The same happened to me - I brought my husband to the US from overseas, supported him for ten years until he got a real job, and do 100% of the work for our daughter. I also adored him and made him feel like a king with elaborate meals from his home country, cards, gifts, massages, compliments, and everything I could offer. Now he's off in our million dollar home living alone with a 26 year old (14 years younger than me) nurse who, according to her facebook page, spends her days in bikinis drinking alcohol and partying. She got to go on the trip to Dubai that my husband promised me. She gets to go to the fancy restaurants and romantic walks on the beach that I never got to do with my husband. She and my husband have all the freedom in the world to enjoy their time I'm at home doing 100% of the work raising our daughter alone. Our daughter was really sick last week and I texted my husband late at night for advice and he didn't even write back. Perhaps he was fast asleep next to his girlfriend or couldn't be bothered. Who knows. But it's not fair for me either. It's not fair to any of us who are abandoned in this way.
OrangeK you mention that you got a TRO from making a dent in your wife's car but don't remember doing it. If that happened it's difficult to know how your actions appeared to your wife or others. What if you really were violent to the point of your wife feeling afraid? I'm not saying that's any reason for her to go have an affair or give up immediately but if you have anger outbursts or lose control of yourself on medication then that's an area for personal growth.
You also mention being on medication for anxiety and depression in the past. If you have a pre-existing tendency to battle these conditions then that could be one reason why it's harder for you to move on than others. Perhaps a psychologist or psychiatrist and not just a counselor would be better for you even though they'll probably recommend medication again which is your choice whether you want to take it or not.
Since your wife has done this to you, you can now conclude that what you and your wife had together wasn't true love. If you work on yourself and find someone someday who can offer you true love then you'll be so happy. It's hard to imagine that when your wife has everything you wanted. I understand because my husband was so perfect in every way. I feel I'll never find anyone who is as attractive and smart and funny and all of those things....it's hard to be optimistic but what other choice do you have? Our spouses chose to leave and we know there's only a very small chance they'll possibly return in the distant future.
I'm trying to improve myself by having a more positive attitude around my daughter, focusing on career and faith, and trying to fix the things that hurt my husband like using a sarcastic tone of voice when I don't believe something he says. I'm sure you have things about yourself you'd like to improve too.
Nothing takes away the injustice, loneliness, betrayal, and total devastation of your life but there's no one to fix it for you. You could theoretically pack up and move to another city, state, or country to get a fresh start. That would be hard since you have a son, but you could take a long vacation. Quit your job, travel for a few months, and come back and get a new job. Your son won't remember someday if you were gone for a short time.
Otherwise we're just left alone by our spouses with no one else able to take their place and we have to stay alive. Our quality of life might be zero but if it's that bad it has to get better someday right?
I don't really know what to say because I feel the same way you do, but I'm trying to change myself because I did a lot of mean and hurtful things to my husband that didn't help our situation.
I hope you keep talking to everyone who will listen and maybe one day you'll find someone who cares more than everyone else who will help you reach a turning point. I have one friend like that for whom I'm grateful because a few months ago I felt just like you and couldn't even function.
Im sorry nicole. I really dont agree with your post (except the part about depression amd seeking support)
You seem very sweet but i think some of your advice is very 1950s stepford wivish and a bit dangerous.
I think leaving his son for a few months would be very dangerous. It would make it difficult for him to have any claims to custody and would not be good for his son who needs a stable parent. His wife is not stable and is bringing him into bed with OM.
"Trying to fix the things that hurt my husband"
Ugh. Hes cheating on you with a 26 year old!!!! F him. I am sure he deserved any bit of sarcasm cause he sounds like a POS. You probably knew deep down what he was up to hence the angry tones.
180s are valid in some situations, but just perpetuate the gaslighting those of us have been exposed to.
If your wife is cheating and all he did was dent the car, i give orange tons of credit.
People, we need to stop with the psychobabble and get a little more realistic!!!!
Orange,
The adult population of the US is 250 million. Half of them are women. You have emotional tunnel vision. Quit chasing the one that fuched you over, get yourself together, and let one of the other 124,999,999 women come into your life and make you happy. I'm not trying to be a dick, and I understand how upset you are, but it's time to get real. You were conned. So was I. And now we have a choice. Feel sorry for ourselves, chasing answers and explanations for the behavior of $hitty people. None of which are going to make us happy or give us closure, but instead open another door to unanswered, unexplainable things. Or we can dust ourselves off, say "that sucked", and go out and grab life by the balls. Your son needs you more than ever right now, and I get it, you never planned on being a father. I never did either, and I have four kids. But guess what, you are. It's time to man up and do what deep down you know you need to do. And that's to face these problems head on instead of wanting to run away from them, and squash them into nothing. I know you can do it. And like I said earlier, I'm not trying to be an a$$hole, but trying to give you the motivation and clarity to do what I know you want to do deep down. Sorry if my 2x4 came across a bit harsh. You're a good dude, and you deserve the best. The ball is in your court now. Go out and succeed. Carpe diem, my friend...
If your wife is cheating and all he did was dent the car, i give orange tons of credit.
This happened MONTHS after i found out about the affair. The "Dent" incident happened after a MC meeting, 3 months after i knew about the affair. The prior 3 months were spent pleading to save M, asking her to come home after she left "to take space" in Oct the day of BD.
She deliberately pushed my buttons and drove me into a rage at the MC meeting.
Due to said Dent i now have had my TRO extended a full year, with a fine to be imposed if i violate it, so now MIL has to do all the pickups and drop offs with me for the next year. and i had to pay 1k in damages.
Hi Juju,
I don't want to be dangerous in any way, so if you see something that appears wrong feel free to point it out.
From how I was reading it, it just seems very difficult for OrangeK to "leave it all" as he feels like doing so I was thinking a short trip to help him stabilize himself and would be a better alternative than actually leaving for good as he was saying....maybe my post wasn't worded well!
I don't recall the full context around OrangeK's dent in his wife's car so if it was right after he learned about her cheating then I can see how that could cause an outburst leading to a dent. It sounds likely his wife is trying to achieve something in a manipulative way through the TRO but if OrangeK is saying anger is one of his issues then I was reflecting back that that's an area for personal growth, but if that's worded wrong or sounds dangerous it's probably better to pretend to delete what I said.
I'm not sure if my post was 'psychobabble' but I thought DB recommends we work on ourselves which is something I'm trying to do and OrangeK may be considering as well. I'm not much better off than he is. I think many of us are at a low point in our lives but sometimes we want to say something, anything, to show support. I feel so bad for OrangeK because so many of his words reflect how I feel too.
I want to be less sarcastic because I'm sure difficult situations will arise again in the future in other relationships and I want to be better equipped to respond maturely. I can't change my husband's decision to have an affair but I wish I simply asked him politely to move out rather than try to make it work but become a resentful, mean, sarcastic person.
I apologize if my post came off as dangerous or psychobabble!
No nicole, you honesty sound like a really sweet person amd wonderful wife. And your ex does not deserve you.
I just feel like many of us on here blame ourselves too much. I really believe that the advice you are talking about is great advice when applied to a troubled marriage but not to situations when one spouse is cheating on the other.
I would like to catch up with your situation. But newcomers are sometimes not ready for my opinions.
I want all the 2x4's and tough love i can get. i obviously need it. Shes got my head all demented and addicted.
I wish i could muster the stregth to be disgusted by her, to truly feel the way i should about her for what she has done.
If justice were served, if she hit bottom and had nobody to turn to to help, if OM Dropped her like a bad habit, or any number of other losses she couldn't cope with, i could sleep at night.
Not to get her back, but just to know she got what she earned.
To know she wont keep getting ahead for screwing people over.
i can hardly get through a day at work, it permeates all thought .
The mental images of her cheating, the thoughts of all the sweet things she sent him instead of me, im sure there were nudes and whatnot too.
im approaching a meltdown. i dont know how well ill make it through the day, and my job is on ice as it is.