Any advice 5 - DivorceBusting.com

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So last night she continued her rant until I walked out and got in the truck. Her main problem was me telling her how disrespectful some of her behaviors were and how she couldn�t understand why I felt that way. I broke it down for her real quick. She was particularly bothered by. Me not allowing FaceTime. She said she saw nothing wrong with it. I asked if she would bring OM in our house and have sex, she said no because we are still married. I explained to her that facetiming in our home was bringing him into our home and I won�t tolerate that. I also explained that her using a dildo in our bed in our home while fantasizing about him was disrespectful and I wouldn�t tolerate that either. At this point she went all over the map with things and I told her you are unable to understand how wrong all of this is so this conversation is pointless. I walked out of the room and went for a drive. This morning I�m feeling an overwhelming desire to bag up her sack of goodies and pitch them in the burn barrel...... don�t know what problems it may cause but it is a sore spot for me. Right or wrong I feel like it is disrespectful as hell for her to lay in my bed in my house and pleasure herself while thinking of him. Is this the right frame of mind or petty on my part? No idea but it�s how I feel

GW,

Fire up the barrel and burn all the stuff. Like I said before, she knows all that stuff you mentioned is disrespectful. WW defense is to play stupid. And make you come off as crazy and overbearing.

Talked to a new friend today who just happens to be a legal officer in the bay. He�s in the same boat as all of us here, no pun intended. Anyway, I related my ditch and he interrupted and said that things didn�t jive regarding OM. He said the timelines for his service were off, his retirement date was wrong, and he basically said he was lying about a lot of things relating to him. This has me concerned that he went to these lengths to lie to my w what else is he hiding? She is convinced he is working second shift for the last month, when his position doesn�t have a second shift. She is planning on divorcing me and moving to live with this man, possibly with my kids depending on court when it comes to that. She only knows what he has told her on the phone, and what she saw for 7 days. I�m now more concerned about safety than the A. What does anyone else think? Should I bring this up to her?or let it be. I hate what she�s doing but I don�t want anything to happen to her

GW,

Of course she knows nothing about him. You said so yourself. Phone conversations and 7 days. So yes your W is about to possibly get a rude awakening. And it will likely affect your children. Telling your W will only push her further towards him. But you should research the guy who is going to be around your children. Then proceed accordingly.

GW,

Stop it. Leave her be. You bringing up problems that the OM has going to do what. Just make her move defensive. She dont want to hear that from you.

Him lieing about his job Don't put your kids in harms way. Seems to me you want to take this opportunity to throw shade at the OM. It won't work or help your Sitch. Your W is going to have to have reality hit her in the face. And it wont come from you.

If the court gives you 50/50 custody its nothing you can do to stop your aW from doing what she wants to do.

You have beem DBing really good. Don't back track from listening to some guy who is going off of what he think is going on.

Worry about you and your kids.

I don't want to sound to harsh but. Pls don't go down that road.

She can�t take them out of state without a signed agreement from me, which I refuse to sign. As far as throwing shade, no, I�m concerned. I could give two forks about him now. I worry about her and what she may possibly expose my kids to. That�s all. And the friend I talked to works at the same base , went from chief to officer, and just mentioned that the timeline is off on this guy. I�m concerned nothing more. I was at one point obsessed withhim and hell bent on destroying him by turning him in and getting his clearance taken. After I came here I realized all I really wanted was revenge and not justice so I dropped it. I�ve tried to flush him from my mind

GW,

What do you think telling your W is going to do? Do you think she is gl2ing to stop wanting to be with OM after you provide that info? Do you think she will take that info back to OM and interrogate him on it? And if she does, do you think OM, is going to say, "yeah all the things your H said is absolutely true?".

I think if you tell your W these things its going to make you look weak and unattractive.

How is this information putting your kids in harms way.

I'm on active duty right now. I have been in 16 and half years. I'm a officer.

Do you mind providing us with the info and I can maybe help provide you with my opinion?

Well for starters he�s a single enlisted man living in a three bedroom base house. Navy housing only allows for singles to live in base housing with a dependent child or elderly parent. He�s 46 and claims 30 years in. That would make him 16 at enlistment. He tells her he works second shift.shoreduty with his mos don�t do shift work. He�s been married x3 and say none of them can get his retirement. The only time she can call is between 5 and7 pm.anytime outside that he�s in a secluded spot. He�s probably still married. Which doesn�t matter. What matters is he�s talked her into divorce and she plans on taking the kids and going to him. As soon as she makes a movethat way it will blow up and my kids will possibly be caught up . The guy I�m talking with is an o5 at the sub base in Connecticut

Joe joe, I really don�t know whT to think . It feels like something is wrong,she still hasn�t called him. A friend thinks maybeshebrokw up withhim and has OM2 already. She�s been on messenger a lot lately especially at night. Jedirsnt ise it.andtodayi had a blow out. Had to call her to come get me and I kept her car till1 when she and the kids got off school. I overheard her tell my daughter that Orioles her plans for today.soijavennonisea what is going on something just feels different about this whole sitch. Like it Star Wars, adisturbance intheforce. My gut is screaming at me. No idea why

GW,

He's def married. You can't be single living in base housing. And he's giving her block times to call her. Your W knows something is up. But she don't want her fantasy messed with.

If there is an OM2, you don't care. Worry about you and detaching.

Let her go. Have the cops on standby if she tries to leave with your kids. You can report her for kidnapping if you can prove she went further than she was suppose to with your kids.

Worry about not allowing the disrespect in your home. I don't think your W is going no where. She has the best of both worlds right now. She is comfortable.

Just spent the better part of an hour consoling D14. Apparently OM got her a gift to and W decided to tell her to lie about it. D felt very bad and woke me up to tell me about it. Shethen Rome down in tears and told me she can�t take this, wants it all to go away and our life to go back to normal. W has been telling her to lie about several things apparently. She is something else, dragging the children into this shite storm. Any thing to protect her fantasy and OM. I�m supposed to go in dity in three hours and have had no sleep because of this. My heart was breaking the entire time I was in the room with my daughter. She is a good kid and deserves none of this. She has enough worries of her own, normal teen stuff, and now her friends don�t talk to her, in her upset, she has tied that tothe A. My wife needed to witness this herself, to see I�m not the only one she is causing pain. My daughter worships her and she puts her thru this mess. The first thought that crossed my mind was to go wake the bit&$ up and let her see what her child is going thru. Rest assured this won�t go unmentioned tomorrow. Guess I�ll be taking a sick day..... my kids are everything to me and I hate to see them go they this because mom has turned into some selfish lying cheat. Livid, absolutely livid.

I�ve slept for a few hours but he events in my previous post still bother me. What is the best way to handle this? How do I begin? It�s one thing for her to cause me pain and anguish, but not my children. She�s using them as pawns and that�s dead wrong. I cannot and will not tolerate that. They�ve done nothing there just innocent bystanders of been hit by this bus. Part of me wants to deliver and also made them to her. In this immediately or leave immediately. She�ll do neither one so that one won�t work. Partman is going back to the beginning of this whole situation, part of me wants to turn this man into the military authorities immediately. She has no idea what she�s dealing with, he has lied to her and manipulated her so much she doesn�t know the truth from ally right from wrong. He�s obviously married, because he lives in base housing still none of the other stories about his military service line up , She doesn�t know what she�s headed it for. And sadly she�s decided to drag my kids right along in her week. I have to iend this now. I could really use any kind of input or advice on this I don�t know where I�m at or what I�m doing now. I was doing OK until my kids got brought into the mix and my daughter had her breakdown last night. It killed me to my heart I can�t stand by and watch this keep happening I have to do something Sandy if your out there I could usesome good advice ,25 ,anybody I need any kind of input on this. This is gut wrenching.......

Very sorry for what you are going throw GW. Please try to stay calm to give your children back up. Stand for them but remain calm in front of the storm.

GW,

I think the first thing you should do is contact a lawyer and find out your rights about leaving the house. I have no problem with you turning the guy into the military. Try to remain strong for your kids.

Hang in there man.

GW,

Your kids been in the mix. Your W been telling your children to lie for her.

I think the problem lies with you. You are there father. You job is to protect and shield them, but you are so worried about your W that you are not doing what is needed to be done for your kids.

Remember two months ago when you told us that your W was telling your children not to tell you things about OM. Remember two months ago when you said you need to protect your kids from this.

When is What your W is doing going to be enough?

Your D is hurting and your W seems to only care about her needs. Remember she is not thinking logically, shes in a deep emotional state/thinking. You job is to protect your children through these times. And keep the situation between you and your between you two.

No worries LH I�m not going anywhere. If anyone does it�ll be her.ive already talked to a lawyer. I know I haven�t been at this long but I�m done. She says she checked out 2 years ago and stayed for the kids. I�m over it all. I don�t need a manipulative lying conniving person in my life.she may change back down the road but right now her mind is firmly made up and I�m not in the mix. I am not wasting anymore time chasing someone who does not want to be with me. She said she�s felt like this for two years . I�m over it all. Time to step out of the ring. My kids are my only concern at this point. As for turning himin, I doubt I will. It�s my go to when I get mad. Fantasy pics in the head of himpaying the price for helping destroy my family. I get it when I picture the very person who helped kill thier family raising my kids with my wife. It would ruin him but what else would it accomplish. I�d have to worry about payback and everything else. Don�t want my kids seeing a wounded animal striking back. I want them to see someone who did everything in his power to save thier family and stood tall when he lost. An honorable man who didn�t stoop to vengeance.

Take care of you children. Take care of yourself. Your W is living on twilight zone now.
You must stand for your values. You stand for your children. Fortunatelly they are old enough to be aware of your w intrigues. Get lawyer�s advise and start moving. But try to remain calm for your own sake.

I am calm and at peace right now. She is what she is. I�m sitting outside looking at the lake and relaxing. Might get out the metal detector later and see what I can dig up. The lake bed is dry to a point and I always find something. Helps me unwind.

I�m sorry I�m all over the map with this today. Feels like a major setback for me. I fell for everytrap. She told me she felt like she didn�t love me for the last two years, she wouldn�t consider working on us, the sex we had prior to the A was emotionless and fornpleasure only, that she had grieved thenloss ofnis a year ago and moved on without bothering to tell me. So I guess for the last two years I�ve been used for sex and bills. Who knows. Probably all lies. She sees no problem with making me a summer only dad and letting the man who helped destroy the family raise my kids. I do. Not going to happen. I�ll never sign the agreement. She sees this as me punishing her. I have done nothing to deserve seeing my kids three months a year. Sorry, just emotional and all over the map right now. I�m alone by a fire pit thinking. Wish this site had a calling feature. I�d love to talk to a human being right now. Sorry all.

I wrote this early today, but apparently did hit the submit key. Anyway, after reading your last post, it sounds as if you had a R talk. Did you......or are you just rehashing things that have been previously said?

Okay, here is the post I wrote earlier.

Call your lawyer. Can you and the kids leave the family home and stay in temporary housing?

I don't think anyone blames you for being so upset. It is difficult to think rationally when we are consumed with rage. So, get a call into the lawyer ASAP, and ask plenty of questions about your rights. Then try to calm yourself down.

For now, I don't think it would be wise to say anything to your W about what she told your daughter, or how OM is lying to her. If you are like a lot of folks, it's real easy to make threats when you are met with defiance. After the heated argument over the gift situation.....I discourage you to dive into another battle that's sure not end well.

Cool down, stay as far away from her as possible. Get your thoughts off the OM, for now, and think about what you can really do about what your W tells the kids. Think about how it will be when you are D and she has them 50% of the time.

If you say anything to your W about what your D said, then your D may not feel that she can confide in you. So, don't let your anger lead your actions.

It was a little bit of both Sandy. I�m not gonna sugarcoat any of this I made a lot of mistakes today. I wife asked me why I was up all night long and why didn�t go to work and I told her I was up with our daughter. Consoling her. And then it just devolved from there. She�s the kind that when you have a relationship talk she shuts down completely doesn�t say a thing let you do all the talking and then when it�s done everything�s good again I don�t know understand it. I�ll talk to her a little while ago about something to do with the house and Christmas and she was perfectly fine normal. I don�t understand how her mom is working. She tells him that she stop loving me two years ago. I don�t remember that. And then the whole talk about him raising my kids. It�s crazy.She expect me to be perfectly OK with seeing my kids three months a year. I don�t I don�t get any of this right now. I just need to detach and talk to her about nothing but business and maybe Christmas. I was doing good until this.

Sandi, forgot to add, with her it�s either she has them 9 months a year or I do and she want the nine. No 50 50 because she says that will trap her here until they are 18 and that would be punishing her for loving someone. Guess it�s not punishment for me to only see them 3 months a year because I�m the one that got betrayed. That�s where her head is. She forgets this is a 50 50 state and I mistegally sign an agreement for her to take them out of state. If I refuse she can ask for a hearing and the judge decides. In our county the judge never rules in favor of the cheater. She herself was cheated on twice so I�ve been advised. So if it does go to D it will be an ugly one I feel based on her words. And you were absolutely correct when you told me the day I got here that in house S is soul crushing. I would highly advise and warn any new LBS against it. If anything it makes the situation worse in my opinion

|I may have already said this , but its 4 am and my mmind has been racing all night. |W said she stopped loving me about two years ago and only stayed around because of the kids. |She said sex was emotionless and for her pleasure only. She said i made her feel unloved, unwanted, and unattractive, and she cried nightly for a year before grieving and moving on in october 16. She admitted to sexting someone for three weeks in Ocober, then cooled it off and was waiting it out when in february 17 she began to talk to this OM. She said that her relationship with him didnt begin until JUly when we separated for a month, despite the fact that they had sexually charged emails, sent videos, nude pictures etc in april( iwould define that as cheating) She has no desire to be with me or work on our marriage, and wants a life with the OM. That for the past year when she said ILY it wass forced and out of habit

Here is what my thoughts are telling me-
either she is 100 percent telling the truth and i was blind to it all, or

shes lying like a rug and is continually re writing the M history to suit/fit her needs. who would stay around that long if they truly felt the way she says she did? in addition, she has used/manipulated me to get her to a point where she feels comfortable leaving to be with someone else. when this began , i wnt through a month or pure mental abuse from her, dangling the carrot of R to keep me in line and prevent me from exposing OM to the military long enough for her to fly down to georgia to see him. She went so far as to say the S was temporary to last a month so she could have some space. I swallowed all of this due to my emotional state and willingness to do anything to save us.

i know in my case, when i felt the loss of my wife and began to grieve it, i had an overwhelming desire to save us at any cost and fight hard for the M. Surely if she cared she would have fought for us, at the very least indicate that we had issues. i have always been approachable and always talked other issues (finances, child issues, etc)through with her, so i have no ideea why she felt she couldnt bring up the fact our relationship had issues

Basically i just dont know what or how to feel right now. i was doing good on gal and detaching. i guess it is the holiday season affecting me, i keep dwelling ion the fact that this could well be our lasst faamily christmas and its making me feel a certain way. or maybe i am regressing, or spiraling back to the beginning. I have also gotten the old familiar urge to turn him in to the military. His lies to her about housing did it i think. it seems insignificant, but to me it matters. he cant have base housing unless he is married or has legal custody of a dependant. she says he got it because he gets his D three months a year.( wonder where she got the idea for custody in my case). Wrong. i have a friend whois a naval officer stationed on a base. he must be married, single with a full time dependant ofelderly parent. in addition, she says that when we D she will move into base housing with him and the kids. Wrong again, navy hosuing regs state you must be married and the children must be dependants. this matters to me because his lies will impact my children. another reason not to sign the agreement to allow her to move them out of state.

While im rambling, something else is troubling me. I have had the worst case of gut feeling ihave had since this began. I feel like something is going on behind the scenes i know nothing about. OM is on christmas leave. he is going to west virginia to see family, and his route takes him thru our state. the last time he did they met for an hour or two (right, whatever) in a parking lot to talk. I have a strong suspicion he has been thru in the last 24 hrs and they have met again or planned to meet and i ruined that.\
Friday i had a blow out and had to call W to come get me. when she arrived,she was mad and acting as if i orchestrated a blow out to ruin her day. Last day of school for christmass break, a friday when the school dismisses at one pm as usual. i had to keep the caar to get a tire and then pick her up. she was angry when i picked her up and moody all the way to get the truck. later i learned that she told my daughter that i ruined her plans for the day. That night, she mentioned we needed something trivial from the store and i told her i would go because i needed to go to town anyway. angry again. Last night she went to walmart and was gone two and a half hours. she texted several times about gifts for the kids, then on one answer she took 45 minutes to reply. not that it matters much at all, but i strongly suspect she had a meet up and that was what the gut was about.

man, i need to sleep more and think/ramble less

Stay calm. Try to detach. Protect yourself. Did you get any lawyer advise?

I�ve had time to get my mind right. I walked out into the middle of the woods by the house and sat on a big rock for about two hours. Had a real good cry, got that out and started planning my next moves.

I am detaching from her hard beginning today . Everything she�s doing right now is for her own benefit. Rewriting the M,rewriting the A, protecting the OM, saying things intentionally designed to hurt And further break me. She�s doing all this to try and force me to be the one to file. She wants this D so bad she can�t stand it. Since that�s the case she can file. Child custody is something I will not give an inch on. She is not making me a summmer dad, he is not raising my children. This state is a 50 to state. Her stance is that she cannot support herself and the kids here so she must move to him, or become a summer mom. This whole thing was her choice and this is a consequence of her choice. I will not again fall victim to this choice. She can cry and whine all she wants, I will not budge. She seems to think the judge will award her 70/30 and let her take them after a special hearing. There is so much involved in this and she has thought none of it out. All she�s thinking about is him. Never mind the fact that I have shown her concrete proof that he is lying about the base housing. This sounds trivial, but sheplans I�m taking the children 1000 miles away based on a lie. I cannot as a good day allow this to happen if I�m forced I will follow through and turn him in to the military and suffer he wrathto protect my children. She told me once she�d hate me forever if I did. Appears as though she hates me now so what would I have to lose? I know it sounds like revenge or vindictive, andback wen this started I wanted to use it to that end, but calmer heads prevailed and I shelved it. Now I see it as a tool........ still not firmly decided what to do. I do know that now any thoughts or hopes I had of getting back with her hae banished. After seeing her use her own children as pawns , watching her manipulate the sitch and everyone around,I want nothing more to do with her. She is not the woman I married and I feel like she�s too far gone to come back. I welcome the D.

Find the best L you can to protect your custody rights. I�m glad you cleared your head. You sound like you found some inner strength. And why are you protecting OM?

Do what you have to protect your children. Stand for them. Get a lawyer.

Gordienim not. He�s done. He�s lied and shebought it and threw our entire life away and is planning on dragging the kids into his lies.i cannot stand for that. Or already spoke to a lawyer. Our state is 50 50 unless a mutual agreement has been reached or there is child abuse involved. She can petition for a hearing to see if the judge will rule she can take them out of state without my permission.the hearing will not go well for her. The family court judge here despises cheaters. She complained that her being a summer time mom would be punishing her for theA.not my intention. OM will give her her punishment, as will her conscience when she wises up. Nothing good can come from him. If he lied about something as simple as housing whAt else is there? I confirmed the rules with the navy and he is lying to either hernia the military. I cannot allow my kids to be near this man.

Just an update, I just got off the phone with military housing at the bases station that. He�s not entitled house and less he�s married, and she is not authorized to move in with her children as a civilian Who is not married. The lady base housing one as far as to say it sounds like somebody�s getting conned and played.

Originally Posted By: gw5263

Just an update, I just got off the phone with military housing at the bases station that. He�s not entitled house and less he�s married, and she is not authorized to move in with her children as a civilian Who is not married. The lady base housing one as far as to say it sounds like somebody�s getting conned and played.

at this point, i would let her believe that i was starting divorce proceedings... she would have to let OM know... what would his response be? what could it be?

--artista

I almost feel like I�m going to have to turn him in to end this mess. And I don�t mean the A. She is not dragging my children into the mess she has created. He has been married 3 times, how many other families has he done this to?

Originally Posted By: gw5263

I almost feel like I�m going to have to turn him in to end this mess. And I don�t mean the A. She is not dragging my children into the mess she has created. He has been married 3 times, how many other families has he done this to?

at one time i was all for you turning him in... but now, i think the stronger position would be for you to just leave your wife... leave her... and let her deal with him... you can still protect your children... if he is indeed married, and you leave your wife, this all becomes very real for both of them... and if he is in no position to welcome your wife to live with him, then she will know almost immediately...

if you turn him in, she will never know the true story about him... his being married and all...

GW,

Art just made a great point. You turn him in, you let him off. You file for D, he has to step up. Once D is files your W, will have to face reality. She can't sit back and wait on his lies anymore.

You have done your research. The only way to live in base housing is if you are married or have dependants.

The other thing I want you to think about is if he really wanted your W to come and has so much control, why hasn't he convinced her to go forward with D.

Don't turn him in. You can break this fantasy she's living in, just by pulling yourself out of the Sitch. Dropping those papers. She has proven and she says she can't afford to be on her own.

In the wise words of Kevin Hart, "He's not ready", nor is she.

Joe joe, if I were him and loved her like she says he does, I be sending here the money for the divorce instead of buying guns as frivolous shot. I would haedone everything in my power to come when she had her heart attack. She said he wanted to but she told him not to because , as she put it, of �how I would act�. She is so jacked up that she thinks I should not be bothered by any of this at all. Her rewriting the affair says it all. � We were just friends until you and I S, then it proceeded� don�t know about anyone else here, but I haven�t told any of my friends how badly I wanted to sex them up or sent any of them nude photos, or told them I wanted a life with them and not my spouse. All a move to attempt to protect him should I act out. She�s almost mental acting. Like I�m her brother or something and she�s in a normal relationship, not an A

If you turn him in, she will always see you being the bad guy, instead of seeing OM for his true colors. Who knows if it would end their A if you turned him in? One thing I think she would do, is take up for him. They would blame you for any trouble that was caused him.

If you do as Artista suggested, then it won't be about what you've done to him.....but what he's done to her. See what I mean?

Thanks for answering Sandi. As usual you are right again. Just having a hard time right now because of the holidays. She told me the other night she hasn�t loved me for the last two years and she has 15 guys chasing after her. Lies, I know. Said it just to hurt me. I also think she�s trying to turn the kids on me. Trying to get set for the divorce and make sure they go with her if it happens. All I can do at this point is act as if, detach, and enjoy the little things. Sorry if I offend, but I hope you have a merry Christmas! Thank you for all your words and support, it means a lot to have someone listen through all my ramblings and make sense of it all for me.

GW,

Of course 15 guys are chasing after her. But are any of the worth a damn or even come close to you as a man? If she goes ahead and sleeps with these men, she'll learn exactly what my W is finding out. These dudes will sleep with you and kick you to the curb soon after.

Thank you GW. I think I've read posts on every single Christmas day since I joined the board. Even if I don't reply, I'll read. I know it is such a difficult time for many people.

You know, this board has some really good folks and some of the very best support in the world. Wouldn't it be great if there was some way down the road there could be a huge reunion of DB posters?

Well, new year same situation. There�s been no movement forward or backward. Seems to be stuck in limbo. She still talks to him but there�s been no mention of divorce and no move out of the house. He still 1000 miles away wreck in my life. I really don�t see any end in sight for this affair. Seems like they can go on forever like the energizer bunny just over the phone. I know it�s emotional in Winfield on emotions, but how many times can you say I love you over the phone with no interaction before starts to get stale. Just a thought. I don�t mention is the relationship, divorce , or him anymore. I go day to days doing my things and fixing all the financial issues this affair has caused. Still not had a drop to drink since June /7, which is a huge 180 for me. I feel like I�m detaching more each day, and I try to be the best dad I can for my kids. My wife has my daughter on her side , telling my W when I�m going out and when I�m on the phone. I admittedly still have a taste for revenge , to put it pure and simple. I know it was her choice but a part of me wants to make him suffer the same pin I have. I won�t because I�m a better person than that. But I still hate him with everything I am. The last time we did talk, my wife did say that she thought that the way I felt about her and the things I was doing to change was vindictive. I asked her what do you mean, and she said that she thought some of it was fake. Designed to make her leave him and come back to me so that I could then dump her and hurt her and called her the pain she caused me. I told her nothing could be farther from the truth, the way I feel about her is genuine, it would be hard to fake that for eight months now. She said it just scared her that I felt this white now and didn�t seem to earlier.I�m trying to keep the peace and rebuild my relationship with my daughter and improve myself for moones benefit other than mine and the kids. If she takes notice so be it. She has been much more pleasant towards me, laughing and wanting to interact. Perhaps time will show her that I am genuine. I read some where that long distance emotional affairs tend to fizzle out after 15 months. If that�s the case I have 4 months left to wait.... a pipe dream I know. But keep hope alive.....

hey, gw5263... i must say, i am dismayed that you are in the very same place you were when you last posted... you are no further as far as your attitude goes... that is too bad... you seemed to be at a point where you were ready to put a stop to her nonsense and do away with her utter disrespect for you... but i guess that was just a fleeting thought... i don't know what else to tell you... i guess you will get there when you get there... but your snail-pace is not helping you at all... not helping your sitch... not helping your household... it's hurting it... you are hurting it...

that you even responded to your WW when she commented about the changes you've made being fake... "reassuring" her that nothing could be further from the truth... the way you feel about her is genuine... ugh, gw5263!!! you are not helping yourself with these exchanges! if i were of the crude ilk, i would beseech you--"grow a pair!!!" but i am not... so all i can say is, "adelante, Senor..."

--artista

p.s.--i had a couple of long-distant relationships during my separation... these were perfect for me... i liked that i had someone special in my life, and that i was special to someone... but i didn't have to "deal" with all the everyday stuff that comes with a relationship when you are face-to-face... and having someone special made it so i didn't feel the need to go out a meet new people... do the singles scene... i liked the arrangement very much...

you know the song, "Brandy," by Looking Glass? it goes:

At night... when the bars close down
Brandy walks through a silent town
And loves a man... who's not around
She still can hear him say

She hears him say, "Brandy, you're a fine girl"
"What a good wife you would be"
"But my life, my lover, my lady is the sea"

it's like that... i was content to have the love of the object of my affection--from afar... and it seems your WW is content too... she is not going to suddenly tire of it and then come running back to you... what could end it is forcing their hand... but with you willingly supporting her, why should anything change for her? she's where she wants to be...

--artista

I agree you need to focus on "show, don't tell" for your changes. If she questions them, just shrug. Don't talk about them. When I was still new to this, if I talked about what I was trying to do (even in the context of being a better dad) my W would say I was trying to turn the story into my redemption story, and this wasn't that story. It was our divorce. So... yah. It also hurt for her to hear me trying to do things better NOW rather than THEN, so... don't talk about it.

Artists, I am ready to put a stop to her bullshite. This has gone on long enough. She trapped me in a conversation and I fell for it. I have had more than enough of living like this and it has to end. The problem is she won�t leave and I won�t leave. I won�t leave because I will not give up my house only to lose it because she can�t pay for it. She says she won�t leave because she has to be divorced to stay with him. Given that she makes little money and I took a 8$hr pay cut when I got demoted because of this , neither can afford the 2600$ a divorce will cost so we both are stuck. Any suggestions? I�m to the point I�m sick of this life and want desperately to find resolution, of any kind. But as you see I feel trapped..... any good alternatives?

GW,

Stop BSing yourself. If you want out of this bad enough you will find away to make it happen.

The only option right now is for me to file on my own with no attorney. I don�t think I made the financial situation clear- I do not have the money to do it with an attorney. I pay all the bills and she pays her car payment. We never havemoney left over....I sold all my guns back in the summer to try and play catch up and I took a hefty pay cut because I was having such a difficult time coping with this and it was affecting my job. The only way out right now is to file on my own, so no, I�m not bs ing myself, as you said. I simply do not hae the money to do this. I have no family and my credit is shot right now so a loan is out of the question. Every penny I earn goes into bills and groceries. It�s not as easy as it sounds. You all act like I don�t want out or resolution.... I do... I�m sick of this and cNt do it anymore. It seems like I just don�t hae any options right now......so any suggestions would be fine with me..... just don�t tell me I�m not trying. It�s either eat and have the power on or pay for a divorce lawyer. Filing on my own would be fine and easy enough but there will Ben a fight over custody and splitting the debt we have together, which is about 80k. I�m in financial ruins basically.

GW, do you have any retirement accounts you can borrow from?

Do you think you could represent yourself or do one of those self-file things?

Originally Posted By: gw5263

Artists, I am ready to put a stop to her bullshite. This has gone on long enough. She trapped me in a conversation and I fell for it.

i am sorry, gw5263... but no you are not done with her bs... what you say here tells me that you are not... you do not come across as someone who is standing strong... you do not yet have resolve... you do seem like you are at your wit's end, but that is not the same as making a deliberate determination... i think it would be good for you to read TXhubby's threads and use his experience to "mentor you," if you will... you are trapped because that is how you see yourself... you have not gotten out of this debacle because you see no way out... i think you see no way out because you still want her... and she knows it...

your sitch is mired in--mostly--your mentality... your thinking has not changed... that is why you allowed her to "trap" you into an exchange that showed you to be weak... there was no other way that conversation was going to go because you are not there yet...

i feel for you, gw5263... i hurt for you... what you and CW are going through really makes me see what i put my dear H through... and so, if i come across as harsh or hard, it's because i want you to conquer this mess... you are too good for your WW... just like my H was too good for me--his WW... i want you to find your "ganas," you WILL, your DESIRE to break through the muck that is your life right now... again--look to TXhubby for inspiration... use his contributions as your own tutorial... you can do this!

--artista

I m in a state retirement system. There is no borrowing. As far as reperesenting my self I have in a previous foreclosure and won, and in two civil suits and won. This is a little different. I may see if I can work with an attorney and have them review motions and the initial paperwork for accuracy. The judges here are not too fond of self representation. But I have no other options right now. Maybe once the paperwork hits her hands things will change. Who knows. I just know I can�t go on like this letting a damn telephone relationship wreck everything. Next month will be a year since they initially started talking. This has gone on long enough.

Artista, thank you so much. I needed a good kick in the cabeza. You are so right on so many accounts. How Can I get to tx hubbys posts? I need to do this. I thought I was moving in the right direction until the holidays. Then it all went to hello.... I have to right the ship and press on.

You keep thinking you have to D your W or kick her out the house to change your sitch. IMHO, you need to stop taking her crap. You need to stand up for your morals, values, and beliefs. Stop saying what you can't do. And figure out what you can. Do you have to lose your house or kick her out to show her you won't put up with her stuff anymore, hell no!!!!! TXHUBBY got better while his W was in the home with him.

I can tell you are a strong man, lost in his emotional and mental self. Get back to being that strong man.

You worth exceeds all worldly things, if you treat yourself that way, every person that comes into contact with you will treat you the same.

Smile, be positive, be humble, find joy and grace. learn from your past mistakes, pray and ask for strength. Because being a LBS is actually being sick. We become emotionally sick. And there's no medicine out there that can heal it. Only actions, time, and hard work. Only going through the process brings healing.

Onward and Forward. You are doing good, you fell down, now stand back up and dust yourself off.

We are all rooting for you!!!! Go GW Go!

Originally Posted By: joejoe1

Smile, be positive, be humble, find joy and grace. learn from your past mistakes, pray and ask for strength. Because being a LBS is actually being sick. We become emotionally sick. And there's no medicine out there that can heal it. Only actions, time, and hard work. Only going through the process brings healing.

Onward and Forward. You are doing good, you fell down, now stand back up and dust yourself off.

We are all rooting for you!!!! Go GW Go!

in my opinion, this is not the best advice for you... naturally, you are TOO nice... this is where it gets confusing for you... you need to get beyond the humble, smile, positive... you need to be pi$$ed on the inside and use that to do a 180... i am not saying you need to act angry and mean... but you need to get to that, "i'm not going to take it anymore," place...

she has brought the affair into your home... that is not okay... do whatever you can to not allow this... take away her wifi, her "toys," and don't allow gifts from OM to your kids... and go out there and GAL!!! really GET A LIFE!!! put yourself FIRST!!! you need to do this to get to a healthy place... don't do her any favors... NONE!

oh, and did i say: GET A LIFE????? i cannot stress this enough... when you really do this, it will change you... in a positive way... you will enjoy your time, learn new things, meet new people, and grow... and it will make you more attractive to everybody... most of all, it will get you to a place where you will see you are worth so much more than settling for a mediocre existence...

in the words of John Keating as played by Robin Williams in Dead Poets Society, "carpe diem... seize the day, GW... make your life extraordinary..."

adelante--

--artista

Quote:

it's like that... i was content to have the love of the object of my affection--from afar... and it seems your WW is content too... she is not going to suddenly tire of it and then come running back to you... what could end it is forcing their hand... but with you willingly supporting her, why should anything change for her? she's where she wants to be...

God knows it helps to have another former WW to talk to these LBH's! At least, you won't think it's just my opinion. WW's have a lot in common when it comes to their mindsets, their actions and words.

Your WW could go on like this for years. Both men are providing what she needs. You are providing her physical needs, and OM is providing her emotional needs. She has one foot in both men's lives. (Only the OM isn't taking it seriously).

I understand money problems. I understand feeling stuck and not feeling empowered to change it. I seriously do, GW! You must be intelligent to represent yourself in court cases and win. But your emotions have prevented you from thinking like that guy who wins. You had one thought of reporting the OM to his superiors, and you can't seem to get past it. Forget it, b/c it is not going to win you back the MR....and it is preventing you from thinking on better options. You are smart enough to figure out what to do.

So, do your research and see what options you have. Sometimes, we have to consider which of our problems is the worst to live with. Know what I mean?

Can anyone tell me how to find Tx Hubby�s story? I tried searching using the search feature and can�t find it. I appreciate the help!

GW,

I�m going to be completely honest with you, you don�t have it in you to pull off what he did. Not many do! You have one of the worst sitches I have seen here. You need to start setting some serious boundaries or you need to borrow the $2,600 to file. Like THubby this limbo will take a serious toll on your health. It already got you a demotion.

Unless I missed it, he never had his own thread until he started the one about when he was ready to walk out. I have the link bookmarked on another computer. I'll try to think to find it and post it to you.

I read where he had posted about his WW being in an affair, and the OM's wife exposed the it, not Tx. That's what ended the A, and Tx was plan B. He tried, just like you've tried, but things didn't get better. He reached the point where he was the WAH. In fact, I remember when he announced he was a WAH on another thread, and I replied to his post.

It was shortly after that when he decided he had had enough and was walking out the door. His WW knew he was done! And, it brought her to her senses. I wish we could hear from him about how things are going.

If you're out there TX, let us hear from you, please.

LH19, you are most likely correct. Quite possible I can�t oull it off. But at this point what do I have to lose. Nothing I�ve done has worked. Obviously I can�t get it right or there would have been movement one way or the other. I�m at the end of my rope. I can�t figure out boundaries, can�t seem to fully detach because we live together. All I can think of doing right now is as Artista said, force thier hand. OM isn�t serious about this, he�s filling her head with fairy tales of living with him with the kids happily ever after. He wants her and my kids down there about as much as I want him to draw breath.... not at all. She can�t seem to see this. I�m gonna go back and start from the beginning re read all sandis rules and WW posts and see what I�m missing or doing wrong. Not listening here is a big one.......

Well, I don't have time to run through his posts to find his thread about turning things around. Here is the link to all TxHubby's posts.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=userposts&id=37644

Thank you Sandi, I really appreciate youtaking the me to look for it !

GW,

I am sure you have read here that there is no magic bullet that is going to fix your situation. If if the A stops she will pretend to comeback to you until she finds Another M.

The only way these things workout long term is for you to have time and space from another. Build an awesome life for you and your kids. Then maybe some day she will want to join you. Just don�t be surprised if you don�t want her back.

Instead of worrying about Txhubbys thread you should read through JRUSS, Anotherstander and Accuray (s) threads.

So I�ve taken some time to take stock in a lot of things. Been lacking in a lot of areas in divorce Boston. So went back and read everything LA tonight teen told me to read in addition to Texas Hubby. After a lot of thinking and soul-searching, I�ve decided to take artista�s route . I have a quit claim form she signed for the house, made her get the toys out, charged the WiFi, and most importantly, completed a pro she divorce packet with agreeent attached. I am filing noonday mikrning. I have also gotten with a government agency to help save may homie. I Now realize what everyone�s been saying, turning him in wall not have the desired effect. Sure of a wreck his career and ruin his life, but it would be better for her to go down and see for herself all the lies she�s been fed by this man. To experience it firsthand. Range is not the best option. Reality is. I�ve told her her fantasy world is coming to a crashing halt as soon as it hits reality head on. Monday morning it will hit reality Head on. I cannot live this way any longer and I refuse to. I told her she needs to start packing her things and leave the home. Time will tell how this goes. I�m quite sure I�ll get some two by fours or comments on making a bad decision. But it�s my decision. It�s my life. I have to move on and enjoy life. No more limbo.

Auto correct wreaked havoc on me.......

How has she responded? What was her reaction when you told her to leave the home? When you took away the wifi? Your kids? Let me say this: Do not say anything about her fantasy life coming to an end... Actions, not words...

She cried when I told her to get her things together. The WiFi pissed her off. I told her to stop using the kids as pawns and to recognize that the divorce will not be a casual friendly endeavor. That one of us would not like the outcome. To drop the expectation that I will lay down and let her roll over me and have her way in the proceedings. She can�t afford a lawyer and I am guaranteed 50 percent custody before entering the court room by state law . She said if I get more than 30 percent she couldn�t keep the kids with her because she couldn�t support herself, and it would be me punishing her for loving someone else. It�s this in a bit she�ll- she cheated, she made the decision to do so, and she must accept the consequences. I will not lose out on my children�s lives because she decided to step out. He will have no part in raising my kids. I think once reality hits and he sees movement he will run. He isn�t ready and does not want the responsibility of a family. It would seriously impeded his social life and stop him from buying the expensive things he likes . Over all her reaction was disbelief as I handed her a completed packet, and she cried a lot.

I slipped up and told her that her fantasy was getting ready to meet reality head on. Hope that didn�t hurt anything.......

Originally Posted By: gw5263

and it would be me punishing her for loving someone else

Well anything but the best possible outcome for you is punishing YOU for HER loving somebody else. It's weird that they can't see that...

Originally Posted By: gw5263

I slipped up and told her that her fantasy was getting ready to meet reality head on. Hope that didn�t hurt anything.......

Compared to some of the slip ups we see here every once in a while, that was a non-slip up.. Don't worry about it.

Whether he will run or not, we do not know. Some AP's seems to be hanging on.

NOw that I�ve reached this point any suggestions or ideas of what to do next?
I know for sure this will get very ugly. Custody will be the big issue. By state law I am guaranteed 50-50. She wants me to ain�t an agreement to allow her to take them out of state and I refuse. My children will not live with him or be raised by him. This will be a major issue. She has previously said she�d make me a three month a year dad , but unless I sign off she is prevented by law from new school taking them out of state and she knows it. She said at one point I don�t sign she will have to be a three month a year mom. I really don�t care. This was her choice. I�m not doing it tonpunish her, I don�t want him around my children all the time, and I will not be punished for her mistake. They have a stable home and are doing well in school. She wants to uproot them and move them to Georgia and put them in a school and home they are unfamiliar with and live with aman she�s known for a year only over the phone. My son is autistic and does not handle change well at all. I cannot allow this to happen.

Of course you will not agree to be a 3-month a year Dad... Why should you? Chances are she won't end up in Georgia... But she is free to if that's what she wants... That's on her... That decision of hers has nothing to do with you... You are not forcing her to go to Georgia... No matter what she says... You are not punishing her because she fell in love with someone else... You are taking your life back from her craziness... You don't owe her living your life in her self-made insanity... That she thinks you should put up with her out right disrespect for you, your home, marriage and family shows how highly she thinks of herself... now that you have taken a bold stance, you need to follow through...

I am. She got super mad tonight because I refused to sign the agreement to allow the kids to go to Georgia. I thought hard about it. My daughter thinks that the suns shines out of my wife�s arse, and would be devastated to be away from her. My son would die if he was separated from his sister. So I made the painful choice to allow them to go with her. If I forced the issue and made them stay here with me odds are they would end up resenting me forever. It might be a reversal or backup on my part, but the well-being of my kids is important to me. The fact that she could choose to hurt me and the two kids over hurting him by breaking up with him says a lot about her mental state right now. She would choose to hurt us over him...... I also thought again about turning him in, but then my sensible , thinking side emerged after being dormant for so long. It might be a good idea to have her take them and go to him. She wanted to leave them with me over the summer while she went to him to �get things ready� then get them for school..it might be better to let her take them right away to go there so there is no three month kid free love fest. Let reality really hit home right out of the gate. I could fight to keep the kids here and win but it would only make them hae bad feelings towards me right now......

I haven�t told her that I made the choice. I�m still really trying to wrap my head around it all. My mind is going three different directions at once. I did however tell her how jacked up it was that she found it easier to hurt us than to hurt him.....s

You are letting her take the kids without a fight... I don't even know what to say about that... That may say something quite significant to your kids... I need to wrap my mind around this...

Originally Posted By: gw5263

it might be better to let her take them right away to go there so there is no three month kid free love fest. Let reality really hit home right out of the gate.

There is still going to be love fest.. Don't doubt that. Maybe it will work out for them. You simply do not know. But even if it doesn't. Who says she'll come running back. Maybe they will stay there anyway. Or maybe, just maybe, they will move back to your area. But custody will remain the same, will it not? Look around, how many returns to the spouse... This is a loose-loose situation I'm afraid.

Originally Posted By: gw5263

My daughter thinks that the suns shines out of my wife�s arse, and would be devastated to be away from her. My son would die if he was separated from his sister.

I take it that your kids have no idea what is going on?

My kids are aware of what is happening, to a point. Andafter sleepingnon this, no, I will not give up without a fight. My concern last night while thinking it thru was that the kids may resent me for what they perceive as making them stay somewhere they don�t want to be . She�s not taking my children to be raised by the very mother fluffer who destroyed thier family.. I will
Fight till the end...... why should I be punished even more. I love my children with all my heart and I will not be cut out of thier lives

After some semi peaceful sleep I�ve put that notion out of my mind. There will be a fight, I am not allowing her to inflict anymore damage on anyone. My children do not deserve to have thier lives uprooted and be placed in unfamiliar surroundings with a stranger because mom has made some bad decisions and cannot see the damage she�s doing. This will go to court and I will assert my right to my children. In my mind this is me protecting them from moms madness........What judge in his or her right mind will allow a mother to take her children away from thier father and move them 1000 miles away to a man she�s know on the phone? I

She has complied with every thing I have said. Signed a quit claim on the house, provided documentation from her job so I can save the house. I know it�s because she thinks she has won, but she�s in for a rude awakening when I file and don�t include the agreement for her to take them out of state and out of my life. She�s spent a lot of time working on the kids minds, but I have contacted and scheduled appointments with counselors for both of my kids. They need it desperately because she has immersed them so far into this nightmare. She has gone as far as to say that I am poisoning the kids minds against OM. She can�t see anything she�s doing as wrong. She�d rather hurt me and the kids than hurt the OM by breakingnitnoff withhim. She said as much...... she needs some help. He has gotten into her head so bad she�s willing to finish off this family even if it means hurting the kids to be with this POS. No one in thier right mind would even consider taking thier children away from thier father to live with some one they know over a phone only. She says he�s a good man and will treat them well . I asked her how she knows this when she doesn�t even really know him. Her answer- because she knows him well from the texts calls and FaceTimes.....no point in arguing with her flawed logic, the only thing she will understand is actions. I have put this in motion and now it�s time to see it thru. Seems the only thing that will snap her out of this is to let her go, without the kids, and live with this man whose been divorced three times, court ordered to anger management for domestic issues, and lied to her for almost a year. One the fairy dust wears off maybe she will get her mind back.

I am glad you decided not to be a 3-month a year Dad... And I get that you are gung ho... But please do this with a peaceful mind... Have clarity... Don't be rash in your decisions... It's good you had a peaceful sleep... You need that at this time... Still detach... Don't even consider what is waiting for your WW... That has nothing to do with you... That is her business... Her circus... And look at it this way... You are not keeping your wife away from your kids... She is choosing a life without them... Even while she lived there she locked herself away in your bedroom to FaceTime with OM for hours. Your kids were aware of that, and even told you about it... Your daughter came to you when she felt wrong about her mother telling her to keep you from knowing OM sent your kids gifts... keep your sanity... Don't talk too much... Do not focus on WW... And don't forget to continue to work on you... GAL... DB... It doesn't stop because you've made a decision... May you have another peaceful sleep...

GW,

LET HER GO!!!!!!! The Fog will disappear when she has to face him head on and confront the lies he has told her.

Onward and forward.

GW, reading your posts tells me that anger is driving your decisions right now. I suggest you slow down a little bit and think about what are the principles you want to personally abide by and what are your goals? I personally want to act honorably so that when I look back on what I did, I can say I did what was right and not reacting to slights with anger. I also have the goal of what's best for my children and have thought thru what that means to me.

There's no "winning" in this sitch. I wouldn't escalate the arguments or difficulties with your W because it doesn't help you with any of your goals.

I have frustration and yes , possibly some anger. She expects me to lay down and let her make me a three month a year dad willingly. There is no fing way that is going to happen. I am more than willing to meet her half way with 50-50 custody and have told her as much. She says she cannot do that and anything less than her proposal is me punishing her for loving him. Quite the opposite, I will not Ben punished for her loving him. My goals- to end the madness, minimize the damage to my children, minimize his role in thier lives, and move past this to a brighter future. She has destroyed me, she has destroyed our family, she has destroyed our future. I will not and cannot as a parent who loves his children more than anything allow her to seal the deal by destroying my children. She will not get the custody she seeks in court so we will have to go to mediation. I am firm in 50-50 equal time, and in my state that is the norm unless there are extraordinary circumstances. Just because she wants to live with him does not constitute such. She says she has to go to him because she cannot support herself and the kids . This is her choice and I will not be harmed any further by her poor life choices

Finally got appointments for the kids to go to Counselling. W doesntthink they need it but I do. She�s been playing with thier heads trying to get them excited about living with OM. Also found out he has been court ordered to anger management in the past and has serious anger issues and a quick temper. No way I will allow my children to be exposed to that. I am getting a statement from his ex and will most certainly bring that aspect up in court of it goes that far. The kids are my only concern at this point. She has made her bed, she can lie in it alone

You are smart to start them in therapy. Kids are always the collateral damage in these unfortunate circumstances. You certainly need to get documentation from the OM ex. Your kids safety comes first and unfortunately this does not seem to be her priority.

hey, gw5263... where are you? how are you?

--artista

GW,

Where you at buddy? How have you been? Update please.