WW Separated and wants a divorce

Divorcebusting.com

It's been about a year since I last posted. As most of us like to state I wish I wasn't back to ask for support, but I find myself in this situation. Sorry in advance to this long post. Apologies for typos on an iPad

My backstory in 2016: I've been married about 14 years. 2 kids, S & D. Mostly suburban life, I worked she was stay-at home mother. The marriage was not perfect, I was not able to keep my emotions in check and several emotional damaging events. I see clearly it was abuse. This categorically destroyed my wife's feeling about me and our marriage. In fact, as I should of know better, for apparently many years. BD happened in May 2016. I did everything wrong, begging, pleading, negotiating, just suffocating her with trying to save my marriage. Again, continuing to attempt to control the situation. I went to IC really made attempts in working on my emotional, control, and anger issues. Made attempts to detach and limited GAL...not successfully but where I could. At a certain point in Sept, as I was feeling stronger, could not accept anymore selfish behavior from W and told her I was done and wanted to leave (I think I really meant it at that time). W got nervous and agreed to "work on marriage" and even go to Retrovaille...which we did. However, after we came back, every 3 weeks she would change her mind on "working on marriage" and tell she would like to separate. Then via through snooping, I found that she called an Apt complex in Nov, and I confronted her on it. W got angry at me for violating her privacy, and explained that she did this behind my back because she didn't want know how I angry I would react. After a certain point and with despair on my side, I agreed to the separation thinking that a break could be good. W agreed to move in Jan even though lease started in Dec. From late Nov to early Jan, for the most part we were good to each other had sex often and kind. I can admit I was pursuing her with my behavior because I wanted to show here the new me and what she would be missing. At times, we would argue when I asked her why did she need to separate.

Separated in 2017:

She left to her new apt. We have kids 50/50. In the early months we had very little interactions. Made me very confused, as I thought we had this connection in late 2016 and now she falls off the face of the earth. Over the months, I ask her to come back and at one point she agreed to come back end of June. I admit I used what I believed to be rationale logic that try to guilt her and manipulate her to come back. 2 weeks later, she told she didn't want to come back and rather just divorce me. This again devastated me, felt like a another bomb drop, she blamed me for trying to force the situation and that she only had 2 decisions, come back or divorce. After this, we had minimal contact, except we spent our respective B-days and did family outings, family hikes, and I was very polite and cordial in any drop-off. I invited her to a family vacation at a beach resort, she agreed and for a week we acted like a perfect family doing things together having fun. The minute we got back, she left and text me to thank me for a wonderful vacation. I was a bit confused at the abrupt nature of the end of the vacation, but thought this is what she wanted. The past couple of months status-quo, polite to her in all interactions.

Recently - Via through an old smartphone (was going to give to my D) I saw enough to see that my W was having some sort of an affair since June 2016 (potentially earlier). Felt like a truck just hit me, for a year and a half, even though many people were telling me was she a WW (even on this sight), I stated there is no way she was having an affair. Not only did she have an affair, but she lied and manipulated me till this month. What this did: For a long time I carried a burden that the marriage was my cause, she never really worked on saving our marriage in 2016, I acted and did things based on thinking she was a WAS and not a WW, for example, vacation and asking her back and lastly she did not allowed me to correctly react to the true circumstances. I think If I knew she was a WW from the beginning and acted accordingly to that as opposed to a WAW, I would be in a stronger emotional state today, but now I feel like a another bomb dropped. I am going through all our interactions in my head and thinking about how now things that didn't make sense makes sense now. I'm devastated as to how she continue to keep this hidden from me, and she knew all along what I really wanted is to save our marriage.

Next confronting the WW

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...941#Post2692941

As now I know W is a WW and not a WAW. I had to deal with my new issues of how a person not can only have an affair but lie about it for so long. It's been a real struggle, its like an onion, because after a period of time and interactions its a new level of hurt and cruelty (at least to me). Also, its my though, she would of never told me and I would of always assumed she was a WAS and that I was carrying what I thought the majority of the burden of the separation.

I asked to meet her in a public place so that i can share some personal information with her. I started by telling her, I acknowledge all my destructive behavior in the marriage, and told her however always kept my vows. I then told her I knew you were having an affair since 2016. Acknowledged, how I had responsibilities in this action, but it was still your decision to do this. What I couldn't really understand is the hiding, lies, up to Sept of this year, because I felt you were just manipulating me. At first, she focused on how I knew and I admitted to her how. Once that was established, she admitted it was an EA and that she was in a dark place because of feeling detached from our M. She told she was not in love, knows in not long term, and not in contact. Also, told me not to contact the AF (her co-worker) because he knows nothing about this. During this hour visit, she broke down and admitted this was a very bad thing and told me how guilty she's been feeling. Within this meeting, I told her that I need a lot of time to process this and that I still want to really try to save our family and M, assuming we can both do the work. She told me after this she could never be w/me, because she thought I would always put this over her head, she did not love me, too much damage in our M. I just validated and we had to leave.

The meeting with the W really bothered me because I just felt she was being honest. I asked to talk to her and ask her 2 questions. When we got on the phone, she blamed me for 15 min of my destructive behavior in the M as to why she had an A. I just validated her comments to me about my behavior but did not go in tick for tack as how she has really messed with me for the past 2 years, as I was becoming a better man, husband, father. My coach has explained, what would W assume I would do.. I would of argued aggressively in the past; however, I did a 180 and not a fake 180, for the most part calm and rationale (including my initial confrontation I was calm and not angry at her...a big 180).

I asked her my question, are you still in a relationship with this AP? Her reply is we are still friends. The reason I asked because as much as I want to reconcile the M its not going to happen with a AP, no matter what she labels it. I then asked her why do you not just file? W's response I know it would be a big issues for kids and financially and stated I wasn't ready. She said that she was already emotionally and physically detached, and that she could sit down and talk about a split. My response I don't think I would ever be ready to have this discussion, but I am not going to stop you. I just told her I have not filed because i have always been the one that believes that with effort we can put our marriage together, but I'm not going to stop you. Within the conversation, she again stated we both need to move on and that she will have this discussion with me (no dates). In my initial discussion wither her I told her for my own self-respect, I need you to remove yourself from my cell acct, and other issues as I will not support your life choices.

After the phone call, she text me that she knows she hurt me immensely, seen how I have made tremendous improvements, and that she made bug mistakes, that she sad to think about our family breaking apart, and that I deserve better.

I realize these two posts are long summaries to establish context. The bottom line, I'm conflicted I wanted to save my marriage and I also want to move on because of all the hurt I've gone through. I can honestly say I am a bit detached, because once I found about the affair, while it was traumatic, I'm still emotionally in control and rationale about next steps.

I do very hopeless there is no light at the end of tunnel on my sitch, but at this point in time don't want to pull the trigger in D.

I would appreciate any advice, questions or comments on my sitch. Thanks.

Sorry, was typing fast w/o reviewing my drafts - My situation is like an onion because there are layers and layers for me layers of new hurt

Wow SC that was some reading. I am sorry you are back at this place again. My w and I are separated as well, I always suspected OM but could never confirm it. Now that she has moved out I don't even bother to look.

So your separated, you found out she cheated on you and you don't want a D. Where do you go from here? How old are your kids? What do you think your next steps are?

Smithy,

From what I have read. I think first you need to stop telling your WW you want to save the marriage. She knows. Just start validating and staying outbof her way. Give her time. Your wounds are fresh, so I dont think you are as detached as you think you are.

Now it's time for you to also stop apologizing for what you have done wrong. You have already told her. You are going down a different path now. A path to a better you.

Your wife seems ver confused. You cant help her through this. Its time to save yourself. If and when she is ready she will find her way back. You have to completely let go.

Hi J9 - Not the badge of honor I was hoping for coming back. But I'm glad There this resource.

So your separated, you found out she cheated on you and you don't want a D. Where do you go from here? How old are your kids? What do you think your next steps are? [/quote]

D-12 / S-10

Where do I go from here: I don't know anymore. I tried for a relatively long time to save the M, and now I feel like a boxer getting hit w/head shots. My next steps are to absolutely detach and continue to be polite in my interactions. I know not having my entire family still scares me, but I also know I can survive w/o W.

JJ1 - Everything you stated is correct. This saving the marriage was brought up because the pain of the affair was so fresh, and it was me trying to feel some level of control in my situation.

I can say objectively, W is confused. She also wants an intact family (stated to me many times); however, can never see one returning back to the M

Smithy,

I hate the word never. It closes us to all options. I like to say, I'm no longer worried about the outcome. I know I cant control it. Whatever happens on will be prepared. That's is a better option than saying never.

I don't want to push it any further nor do I want initiate any more discussions, but how should I handle discussion related to D. W definitely wants to do an amicable one. Right now I am in the family home and my income is substantially greater than hers.

In the past if I leave it alone, she will also not pursue it w/me. Now that I confronted her with the EA, I stated I cannot continue to be financially responsible for her actions. We're separated, she can do what she wants I don't need to continue to pay for it. The issue she lives paycheck to paycheck and I don't. So, she feels pressured to pursue D to get more money to respect my boundaries

Quote:

hate the word never. It closes us to all options. I like to say, I'm no longer worried about the outcome. I know I cant control it. Whatever happens on will be prepared. That's is a better option than saying never.

I agree, maybe I didn't type it correctly. My W is the one saying "Never" and she has multiple times to me about ever the possibility to reconcile.

Smithy,

Ok, good to hear you are not saying it.

I had to make a quick visit to W's apt with my D, which is very close to to my house. The intent was to get something for my D. In the past, W would come to house and just announce she's in the driveway could I let her in for item for child. I should of known better and called in advance and let her know I was coming, but rather because it was for D and quick errand, I let her know was outside could D come in for item.

W came out just irritated at me, asking why I didn't call in advance. I apologized for my mistake by assuming this is how she handled quick errands, and let her know I would not do it again. But, it was just to look of irritation in her face at me in my car.

After I grabbed the item, went back home and set text to W, stating my apologies for my arriving w/o any notice. Just a couple of observations: after this affair confrontation this week, you would think she was the one being betrayed on. While I'm the polite one acting courteous. Further, after all this time, I really believe I have changed, because I would of argued with W on why she was irritated and the lack of fairness, now I just understand the situation and apologize what she sees is an error.

Overall, I know I want my family and W back, but she's has really changed...She has told me she's depressed, appears to be in an emotional mess, just unhappy. In my limited interactions I'm just as courteous to her as possible. Not really sure it this action helps at all. I know its about patience but my original BD has been mid-2016 and really feels like I'm in a worse situation now.

I may see her tomorrow at S game, but I don't know. Typically we sit next to each other (of course this is before meeting this week). I plan to just be courteous to her and respond only in kind...the even is for S.

Leave her be her depressed, emotional and unhappy self. With you out of the picture she gets to find out that you are not responsible for her mess. As for her behavior towards you apologize once and leave it at that. No need for text apologizing. And the next time she shows up to your place unannounced, then you give W the same message she gave you. But in a more cordial manner.

Tread - Really appreciate the advice. I agree with you 100% to allow her to work through her own emotional state...maybe but not expecting it there could be an epiphany as to her own outlook for the preservation of the M.

As to the text, I probably wouldn't do it again. When I did it, I asked myself how would I react if W was neighbor or co-worker, I would of sent a short text admitting my error and state it won't happen again.

W of course never responded.

Journaling:

As I expected, W did not show up to S's game this morning. W loves son, but probably due to the encounter this week on exposing affair, she felt best not to be near me.

It's been a heavy week for me. It feels odd that after uncovering affair, i am reliving the feelings and anxiety when bomb first dropped, but in a slightly diff perspective. However, I'm handling it better than I thought. I absolutely dwell on it because it so raw and new information for me, but I'm not all that down, depressed, or even angry about it...just hints of it.

What I do think about is the "WHYs" Why do I want to save M?, Why do I think I can forgive my W?, Why did she do this to me? ...

Within my own introspection, I freely admit my part and responsibilities in the damage of our M, and there's a part of me that wants to believe if I can truly forgive and try to move on with W's affair, maybe she can as well on my damaging behavior. Again, I feel like I'm bringing things up which through counseling and time I've worked on to improve/fix for myself, but just feels like these own wounds are all back.

There something I read recently its about the Affair Paradox. Which in broad terms the person most able to help you to deal with being betrayed on is the betrayer, because we seeking to see some sort of sense of this traumatic event. When in the initial BD when W stated due to my behavior caused her to lose trust in me and detach from M, I did what I could for that 6 months to help her deal w/her pain by being sincerely remorseful, patient, making changes and talking to her when she needed it. However, because I find out about her A now as we are separated, I feel she has rob me of properly processing and being able to receive support to deal with my issues from her A. I also realize, maybe thinking any possible support from W probably is a pipe dream, because it assumes she want to help me and some inclination to save the M.

Sorry for the rambling, just a lot of conflicting thoughts in my head.

I have a 50/50 arrangement with WW and normally we exchange kids on Sunday a little after dinner. Typically, because we live so close to each other, WW drops off or pick-up kids from my house. One boundary (if you can call it that) is that I didn't want WW to pick-up kids from my house any more (or have mail or packages delivered to house), to start fully separating households. It felt right to make this boundary for me.

I've been physically separated from WW since Jan, and after a few pick-ups I was getting better and emotionally stronger about not getting to see my kids for the next 7 days. Today, it felt so painful to let my kids go. If I had to guess is because my known universe changed this week, and believe that this IS going to be my future voluntarily or involuntarily.

Typically my interaction with my WW anytime she's home is me being polite and accommodating. Today, I couldn't even look at her face and I'm not sure she was looking at mine. We were just talking directly to the kids about their stuff. I just needed to unload their stuff and get out as soon as I could, and she probably felt the same way. Probably out in less than 5 min.

Am I doing something wrong? Should I try to be more engaging with WW, or is the feelings I have right now influencing my actions?