Is it too late

[jane1]

I picked up the DB book about a week ago and I have started to read it. I'm not sure if its too late for me though.

Been married to H for 3 years, together for 6. A couple weeks ago he told me he wants to date other people and isn't sure if he wants to be married to me anymore. He loves me but not that way. Fast forward to last week when he started going on dating sites, and hooking up sites. He told me its over, he wants to separate and divorce. I was heartbroken, he didn't want to go to counsellors he just wants out. So we still live in the same house, we sleep in separate rooms, we watch tv together, take turns doing dishes and cooking. Honestly like a marriage except not too much affection. I was giving him too much and he said I was being too needy. I stopped and this morning I received a hug and kiss before he went to work. Ive stopped talking about divorce and separating and he hasn't brought it up since Monday. We don't really argue and I don't text him anymore but he still will text me during the day. He is on chat/dating sites but so far hasn't met anyone in person just talking. He hasn't talked about it at all and in fact today he hasn't done much. Im praying if I continue to read DB and follow the steps and work on the part that he wants (better sex) then maybe he will loose interest in dating and realize that what he has here is actually better. Has anyone had success with a similar issue? Is it too late since he's already talking about divorce and going on chat sites?

[Cadet]

Welcome to the board

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

and Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htm

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!

Get out and Get a Life (GAL).

DETACH.

Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:

I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072

Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414

Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566

Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554

Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...224#Post2578224

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619

Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon

[jane1]

I have been trying to detach. We still live in the same house and its quite small so sometimes its hard to ignore him. But I have been focusing on myself more - exercising once (sometimes twice) a day whereas before it would be a challenge to even exercise a few times a week. I like writing so I have been doing that more. The hardest part, that makes me so upset is when I hear his phone ding and I know its a women he's chatting or sexting. I try really, really hard to ignore it and I go into another room so he doesn't think it bothers me. I really hope detaching works - its only been about 4 days of trying this. I do not text him during the day except if he texts first and just answer what question he asks. I know I should go out more with family and friends but we are both introverts and like our space after work. Any more tips. I really hope this isn't a lost cause. I guess in worst case - Ive learned more about myself and this technique helps me to move on and be more confident in myself

[Lovelyp]

so sorry for what you are going throuh. I do not think it is too late. You are doing well by starting to detach. I feel you should try to minimise being in the same room. I am like you GAL is very difficult but I can watch and read my bible and pray more in a different room to avoid initiatin conversations since I used to do that a lot. Since you did not normally o out, oin out will really send a message that he miht loose you so maybe you can try to gather courage and go. I am also trying that too.

I also think this is the best time to start to reflect on all his complaints over the years. Other than sex, what other issues did he complain about?

[SJW]

Hi Jane I agree I don't think it is too late at all.

Even if you just go to your parents or a friends house on an evening or go for a drive walk. Anything so you don't have to spend time with him, and hear his phone binging will make him wonder. If he asks where you are going just say out, be pleasant but don't give details. He wants to live separate lives so you go and do the same.

Not sure if you have DR book but I find that one really good.

Stay strong
SJ

[MoveFrwd]

I picked up the DB book about a week ago and I have started to read it. I'm not sure if its too late for me though.

It's never too late until you decide it's too late.

So we still live in the same house, we sleep in separate rooms, we watch tv together, take turns doing dishes and cooking.

So the only thing that is different between now and before is that he is on dating/chat sites and youre sleeping apart? That sounds like some major cake-eating for him to me. He gets a wife when he wants one and can go out and act single when he wants? How can you change that dynamic? In my mind, thats by going out and GAL. I dont mean go hang out in bars looking for dudes - join a club, meet some people and make some new friends. Try some hobbies that you never got around to. Go eat in places you always wanted to try. Now is a great time to figure out what you like and to DO IT.

Honestly like a marriage except not too much affection. I was giving him too much and he said I was being too needy.

You were giving him too much before or just recently? Im assuming this is just recently. If so, then I agree you need to stop it. Pursuing him is the last thing he wants right now - it's oinly reminding him further of his desire to get out. Let him do his own thing. Youre going to be too busy on your own stuff!

If it WAS from before, then maybe now is a good time to also add the 5 Love Languages to your reading pile. How does your H receive love? How about you? How do you give love? How does he? These are good reflective questions for you going forward I think.

Im praying if I continue to read DB and follow the steps and work on the part that he wants (better sex) then maybe he will loose interest in dating and realize that what he has here is actually better.

A couple things:
1) just because he says he hasnt met anyone doesnt mean he hasnt. It doesnt really matter either way for your situation. My point is that you should be very careful with your body - you dont want to get any diseases because he was stepping out.

2) Theres no easy way to say this, but if you try to compete sexually with any of the girls he meets on these sites, you will lose. You cant get him to come back to you by being awesome in bed. The allure of the unknown will always be greater than anything you can provide if he's already leaning that way.

3) The best way for him to realize what he is losing is to think he actually has a chance of losing you. You being better isnt going to get him to turn around; him realizing what he stands to lose by you taking away the safety net MIGHT. Thats why GAL is so important - him seeing you going on living an awesome life can only help.

Has anyone had success with a similar issue? Is it too late since he's already talking about divorce and going on chat sites?

Yes, theres many cases on this site. Please keep hope alive, keep posting and keep reading!

[jane1]

Thanks Lovelyn, I will try to go out more and spend more time in my room. Honestly for him sex (including my fitness level) and sometimes being too clingy were the biggest issues - I guess sometimes I complained too much maybe relying on him too much as a spouse and also as a friend who I can talk to/vent. Ive been trying to be positive around him when I talk to him now and not say anything negative.

[jane1]

Hi Jane I agree I don't think it is too late at all.

Even if you just go to your parents or a friends house on an evening or go for a drive walk. Anything so you don't have to spend time with him, and hear his phone binging will make him wonder. If he asks where you are going just say out, be pleasant but don't give details. He wants to live separate lives so you go and do the same.

Not sure if you have DR book but I find that one really good.

Stay strong
SJ

Thanks SJW, my biggest problem is when I'm not home I'm wondering what he is up to and focused on it instead of enjoying time with family or friends. I don't want other women in my house and although we've discussed it and he said he wouldn't - I don't fully believe him so when I'm home its like I'm protecting my house - if that makes sense and I can focus on stuff I like doing on my own.

[jane1]

You were giving him too much before or just recently? Im assuming this is just recently. If so, then I agree you need to stop it. Pursuing him is the last thing he wants right now - it's oinly reminding him further of his desire to get out. Let him do his own thing. Youre going to be too busy on your own stuff!

Earlier in the week I did give him a hug and he said I was being too needy but the other day before going to work he came and gave me a hug and kiss but haven't had any more attention in that way since.




If it WAS from before, then maybe now is a good time to also add the 5 Love Languages to your reading pile. How does your H receive love? How about you? How do you give love? How does he? These are good reflective questions for you going forward I think.

I have read the 5 love languages many times and I tried to get H to read it too - but he doesn't quite understand the concept. His is physical touch (mainly sex) and mine is receiving gifts and physical touch too (but not so much focus on sex) His idea is that I have to make him happy first in order for him to want to make me happy which I believe is not the way its supposed to be. Plus he told me he doesn't believe in my love language and its a waste. Which makes me feel like crap.

[MoveFrwd]

Earlier in the week I did give him a hug and he said I was being too needy but the other day before going to work he came and gave me a hug and kiss but haven't had any more attention in that way since.

You wont ever get it quite right in his eyes. I would say its best to not initiate anything right now and focus instead on your life.

His idea is that I have to make him happy first in order for him to want to make me happy which I believe is not the way its supposed to be.

No. It is not your job to 'make him happy'. And its certainly an unreasonable expectation that you make him happy enough to him to want to make you happy.

That said, it's your job right now to take care of yourself and figure out what makes you happy separate from H.

[Lovelyp]

I agree with Kaizen. Just get yourself busy and avoid initiating anything.
My H once told me something similar and even decided that it's not an important need and never met it. It's really painful. I wish I had better advice on how to handle that. I just learnt to do without that and never expected him to meet that need but I ecame so unhappy.

[Cadet]

Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka
that I totally agree with.

Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.

It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.

We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.

Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.

[jane1]

I'm about halfway through DB book. What's the difference between DB and DR?
H started talking about what to do with the house whether I want it or he buys it from me. I told him I wasn't sure and changed the subject.

I'm trying to do my own thing. I do not text him unless he texts me. Even though we're both home today we're doing separate things. He made me breakfast today which was nice.

This is going to sound bad but does anyone see other people while working on DB? Like just as friends go out with other guys? Part of me thinks if I do this it might make him more interested again knowing that there's other people out there? I heard him say he's trying to meet other women just to talk and make friends.

[25yearsmlc]

I'm about halfway through DB book. What's the difference between DB and DR?

IMO, the DR is the 2nd edition of Div Busting. It has more techniques in it, and less time spent on why divorce stinks. I read both, but for ME, once the decision to DB was made, I didn't need more convincing.

H started talking about what to do with the house whether I want it or he buys it from me. I told him I wasn't sure and changed the subject.


^^good. "It's a lot to process and I need some time." Then change the topic or get out of the room.

I'm trying to do my own thing. I do not text him unless he texts me. Even though we're both home today we're doing separate things. He made me breakfast today which was nice.

This is going to sound bad but does anyone see other people while working on DB? Like just as friends go out with other guys? Part of me thinks if I do this it might make him more interested again knowing that there's other people out there?

Well it's not a part of trying to save your m. Or setting an example of fidelity.

But there's nothing wrong with some mystery and looking your best.

I'm not sure this is right to say to you at this point, but I read an article written by a man who left his wife for OW and then married the OW. The title was "Don't Do What I did".

When he first left his ex-wife , he saw that she did not date and he felt validated that she must not be very desirable, and his choice to leave made sense. (It only occurred to him later that she was doing what she thought was best for their small children).

He confessed that it was only later, when she began dating and he saw that she was well treated (better treated, actually) by the new man in her life, that he began to remember why he married her in the first place.

Then he saw her fall in love with the new man, and marry him. He found himself very jealous and sad.

And now, years later, he deeply regrets the damage he inflicted on the kids and the loss of a great woman and the closeness he could have had with their kids too. Even though he said "it's okay and conflict free, the kids will never have with me what we might have had..."

Indeed...


I heard him say he's trying to meet other women just to talk and make friends.

Ouch. That statement is a red flag, I'm afraid.

[jane1]

Update:
I failed on not doing things I would do- I freaked out when I got home over dishes- I told him I feel like we're married still - if he wants to be more like roommates he had to do his share of the dishes - when I lived with a room mate leaving dishes like this would not be tolerated. So after some yelling he did them.

We fought more then I locked myself in my room and he went to his. Later on after cooling down he admits that he partly has his doubts about what he's doing but he still feels like he needs to be on his own - since he never had the opportunity to do that before. So I'm not sure if I continue to do my own thing and give him space for a while if there's still chance.