Thank you. I'm meeting with a lawyer soon to discuss. I let the lawyer know up front that I'm hopeful for reconciliation. I'm thinking that after I have this meeting, H will ask me what he talked about, what I will agree to now, a timeline, etc. I'm focusing on staying calm, letting him share thoughts, but am struggling with thinking about responses when the time comes.
Share as little as possible about what your L tells you. Don't be rude, but don't overshare.
When a L says you "can get X" that's not the same as saying you will. And it usually requires a L to get the max
b/c NOT getting/giving the max is what mediation is about.
Giving up things on both sides.
I'm a L and not trying to push you towards a Divorce, I'm pro marriage.
(Can't find or recall your original storyline, btw. It would help me a lot).
But when a man says he wants a divorce, preferably a divorce without Lawyers, you are forewarned that he has something he does not want scrutinized.
Also, I detest throwing out the "there must be an A!!" line,
but if you yourself are not denying him intimacy and you were not fighting a lot,
(not now, but before)
and he wants out - and he wants it soon - and he wants no lawyers involved, this all raises the odds that he wants No deep delving into his plans because he has a secret of some type.
I'm sorry to say that, I know it hurts. I filed for divorce not knowing there was an OW, but b/c of other deal breakers.
So Keep your shields up. Arm yourself with knowledge and don't give it all up.
Your h has seen a L and that means HE KNOWS the amount he
could have to pay. And now HE is pushing for mediation. He wants to pay you less.
In CA & Texas, where I'm licensed, the tendency is that the higher income earner (who would have to pay spousal support)
is the one to push for mediation.
They know the potential they'd have to pay and they want it lowered.And if there is an A, the higher earner/WAS knows that settling things before the discovery of an affair, is good for THEM.
Sorry if I sound cynical, i don't mean to. I'm basing this on years of experience here and in real life, and as a L who handled a few divorces.
A man who seeks a divorce from a basically good wife, is statistically far more likely to be having an affair, than not.
The odds of a WAW having an affair are less than WAHs, but still remains a deciding factor. (I filed for divorce and I did not have an A, for instance).
Check yourself for what you'd accept in the event that there is NO affair and
then, check yourself for what you'd accept in the event that there IS an affair/Partner. If the numbers are the same, then you have clarity. His choices are truly irrelevant.
But If the number you have in mind would change if your h is having an A, then try to get
that amount.
It's not "ugly" of you to want what you are entitled to by law. But mediation helps the payor the most, and reduces all around legal costs. That's not always what the lower earner wants or needs, however.
If you two spend $10k more in legal fees, to get a settlement that's fair to YOU, do it.
Not sure how long your m is, (please use the signature block to give us a summary of your story b/c I don't see any more info)
or kids (child support) but this is important.
I have 2 family members who reconciled after their divorces. Not just after the filings, but after the whole thing was finalized.
Both took a few years (My aunt/uncle recon after a family event, 5 years after their divorce). My cousin took 3 years and the second time around was better for both couples.
So it happens. But YOU will be less interested in a recon if you feel screwed in the divorce.
Long term - protect yourself. Short term, protect yourself.
If there are kids, protect them from a man willing to blow up his family --.
When you behave warmly with confidence and keeping calm, you're on the right path.
Check the numbers in your head. Would you want more if you knew your h was going to be spending money on an OW? What if he already has?
I'm asking you to ponder that for a few minutes.
Sorry you are here.
((( )))