http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2710452#Post2710452Starting a new thread. My original is linked above(if I did it right).
W is well into the moving out process. We haven't set a concrete date but I would suspect by the end of the weekend she will be close to being out. Once she is moved I plan to go as dark as possible. Not sure what that looks like since we have 3 boys and a lot of sporting events but I will play it by ear.
We will spend Christmas morning together at my house and that is the last thing we have planned as a family. It is sad but I think I am ready to get on with this next part of my journey. Started doing some rearranging and decorating around "my" house last night. Bought a new couch and some pillows and put them in the living room.
W and I are friendly and cordial when we interact but I think it's mainly because she is relieved that she will be in her own place soon. She has been asking me about money for more gifts for the kids. I told her to just keep the receipts and I will give it to her. I let her know that after Christmas she will be on her own financially and we will split anything regarding the children. This is a reality that I'm not sure she has fully processed yet. She says we will see each other almost ever day. I'm not sure that is the best thing for me or is moving forward. I am not looking to be her buddy. I am only interested in being her H again.
Billy
Your W is very clearly wayard. You would know if she had cold sores, (I have had them since I was a child, horrible crops of simplex) this isn't the same virus as genital herpes.
And if she is offering sex to you or has and has this virus that is unpleasant.
Please go get tested, truly I believe this is necessary for your health. I got tested, it is in one of my threads. Sleeping with your spouse knowing you have an STD is assault.
Go please and get this done. Chlamydia is the hidden nasty here along with HIV and syphilis.
Your WW is cake eating in a big way, I am undecided if an OM has been kicked to the kerb, but wayward is as wayward does. Some waywards just have another A partner in the wings. This unfolds in time.
My latest post on NC was on my thread recently with my strategy. And yes it is possible to do modified NC with kids. This means an online calender and only doing admin with BIFF responses.
Expect your WW to kick back with sweetness to hold you as a resource for funding her behaviour. I like that you have held on to the MR, this has a good advantage for dads who want joint custody of their kids. Personally letting her have stuff from the house is great as later she won't be able to say you were greedy. And it's only stuff, cleansing your space of WW is pretty essential in reducing triggers.
Reality will bite.
I read a little bit of 'nicing' your WW, it's fine as a move on strategy I think, however it lacks strength.
At some stage "WW I do not want friendship with you, I can and will co-parent (or parallel parent). You are my W and that is the R I want. Until you commit fully to our M then friendship is out.'
Friendly neighbour and BIFF instead.
I am concerned that you have explored codependency issues. There are several resources oft mentioned on codependency. I will not mention them except to say it is a distict possibility that this may apply. Please consider reviewing if you are a 'nice' guy, and as a 'nice' lady myself I can say that nice does not mean nice. It means lack of boundaries.
A favourite of mine is Al Turtle on boundaries, he writest for teenagers and has wonderful metaphors. I would like you to have clarity on boundaries and your objectives as it seems more like go with the flow.
Billy I have very little anger too, your WW misled you, the IC and MC for quite a while, this is duplicity and smoke and mirrors. Takes quite a deliberate effort to do that. This is a WW who thinks her H is maleable, I sense so.
I see no moment on the Kubler Ross curve, I read a WH in denial not acceptance. Those are my thoughts.
MrBond pointed out to you that you did that which you thought was better husband activity. Those were likely your ideas not a joint idea. If you read DB and DR you will read this is typical for a WAW, however in your sitch I think your W has gone WW not WAW.
Nicing won't cut it in your sitch I think. If gifts are needed for the kids ask WW what they are and buy them yourself is my thinking.
These are my thoughts Billy.
V
Read a H in denial, auto correct
Sorry, was not implying you were wayward!
V
How was it decided that you would stay in the MR and your w move out? My w wants me to move out as she is the primary caregiver to our kids.
Gordie
It was decided she would leave because when she decided we should separate I told her I wouldn't leave the MR. Even before that when she wanted separate beds I told her I wouldn't leave the MBR. Also she couldn't afford to keep our house on her own with her salary.
V
Thanks for checking in. I believe you are probably right about me being in denial. I have accepted the fact that my wife may be WW. The fact is WAW or WW she's still moving out. Once she is out I assume I should take a similar approach either way. I will follow Sandis rules and work on me. I am very aware that I am a "nice guy". I am in the process of reading No More Mr Nice Guy. I have noticed that the times that I feel her coming toward me is when I pull away and am not so accommodating.
Please keep up with my sitch. I value your opinion. You are an amazingly strong and knowledgable ladie.
Lots of GALing this weekend so far. Went out last night to do some shopping. Bought some new clothes and a few things for around the house. Had a relaxing soak in thenhot tub when I got home then slept like a baby.
Today I was up early. Did a little reading and made a nice breakfast for the boys and me. After breakfast we went to S10 basketball game. After the game the boys, W and I went to get a Christmas tree. We then took my W mattress to her place. We are getting very close to her being moved out. I then coached S7 basketball practice. W had a Christmas party for work tonight. I was home with the 3 boys. I spent most of the night putting up the tree and decorating it and the house. Now that we are getting closer to W moving and taking what she is taking I am getting a better vision of what my style is going to be for my house.
The funny thing is that W was around for most of the weekend but I hardly noticed. We were friendly but I really didn't feel like I cared if she was there or not. In the past I would have been worried about what she was out doing while I'm sitting at home. Tonight I could care less. I wonder if I'm becoming detached or if I am losing my love for her. In a strange way I am excited about the opportunity she has given me. This independence is something I haven't had for over 20 yrs. i wonder if I like it if I will become a WS. Will I even wart her back if she wants to R? I just don't know but I am in a pretty good place even though she is a,most gone.
Well done on the GAL.
There is nothing better than excellent quality Xmas GAL.
I assume you mean WAH, walkaway not wayward!
Well done, you have the best of it, you have your boys, children are the best of all.
V
Yes V, I meant WAH. Being totally honest I know I'm not there yet but I fear that the longer this goes the more likely it becomes. I want to believe there is a chance at R but that is something I can't even envision right now. I am just ready for some space and time without seeing her everyday. It's a constant reminder that she gave up on us and our family.
Yes
That's why we call it standing!
Others with more a prosaic turn refer to the lighthouse and that is a strategy.
Standing like a lighthouse with the lights on and the beacon showing the road home. Others have picnics in front of the lighthouse as an enticement.
It's a great image and holds for some.
I stood as the lighthouse whilst WH used a wrecking ball on the walls and then took a large boat out to sea to a foreign land!
Whatever works for each one of us.
But standing is good, means I can dodge bullets like in the Matrix film. I loved as was WH, then I walked, then I stood and DB. Until finally WH went so wayward he ran away when I called it. In the end I didn't need to walk. Yes, I was a walkaway wife but not wayward. That's all part of the process. I did that which I needed to do.
You and I have no control over the waywards in out lives, all we have is control over us. So we stand for ourselves and for the M in the hope of a new M.
Our behaviour, our GAL, our reactions and how well we do impacts us and any children for the rest of our lives.
Some stand for years for a new R becoming the best they can be and it is always, always the LBS that says the end.
Every LBS I know of personally has been the better for sticking at DB and working their sitch if they work their sitch.
At the end the wayward often stays empty inside and having to rebuild at some stage, in the worst state of their lives. There are some very sad stories of waywards, who lose their homes, children, spouses, money, have addictions temper tantrums and losses of every kind. The beauty of a board like this is past posters coming back to talk of their lives and success, moving on. Some with new R and others without. There is even a part of the board where batteries can recharge.
Others sit in midlife crises with crazy loco sitches but still stand for their M.
Others like V with serious abuse sitches need help to stand for themselves, learn to set boundaries and grow into the peeps they were intended to be.
So my thoughts are to concentrate on you, the stability for your children and clearly you are the more stable parent for those wonderful little gifts of life.
You speak so warmly and lovingly of your children.
V
Saturday night W ended up staying the night at her girlfriends house after the Christmas party. I got a tm from the friend at 12:30 saying W was too "tired" to drive home. The friend lives 5 minutes away. The next morning I was up early again and did a little cleaning and laundry. Got a fm from the friend saying W forgot her phone at the party and would be home after she picked it up. I made breakfast for the boys gave S4 a bath and got everybody ready for church.
Went to church with the boys. I am very good at holding it together lately but being at church without W really gets to me. A song hit me just right and the tears started to well up in my eyes. My 2 oldest boys were in Sunday school class and S4 was asleep in my arms. One of my friends can over and put his arm around me for support. I am so lucky to have a lot of people supporting me (including W whole family) through this.
When we arrived home W was there and wanted to be chatty with me. I was short with my answers because I just didn't feel like faking the whole everything is cool thing. She asked if I was ok and if we needed to talk about anything. I said no I am fine. I watched football with the boys and she kind of hung around while we watched. Later a couple of our friends came to help her move some things. I am glad they did because I just wasn't in a state of mind that I wanted to help.
W came home later and we sat down and played some board games with the boys. I am glad to say that since we told the boys she is leaving W has been very good with the boys. She has always been a great mom but over the last 7 months has been in and out as far as giving them attention. I hope she continues to be so good with them. If nothing else at least the boys will be getting the attention they deserve.
Not a whole lot happened this week. Had a lot of basketball practices and game for S7 and S10. W is almost moved out. Most of the furniture she's taking is out just clothes and loose ends remain. The plan is she will officially be out on the day after Christmas. W and I have been getting along nicely and are communicating probably better than ever. The boys are doing well considering but S10 struggles at times(he's a real thinker and very emotional) I reassure him that we love him and things we be ok no matter what. FIL and MIL are still pretty upset with W about all of this. FIL hasn't talked to W in 4 weeks since she told him.
W asked if I would go out shopping just her and I this evening. We will probably do dinner and try to finish our Christmas shopping. Still is very strange that we can get along almost like nothing is different yet she's leaving me in a week. Still would like some input as to how to approach our relationship/interactions once she moves.
Wow. Does she want to go shopping because you are going to pay? If that is the case, my vote is to not go and be used.
BillyHo,
Thanks for sharing your story. I've been taking the kids to church without my W too and it is hard but it's good that you are persevering.
My W also acts like everything is normal most days, even though she wants to D in January. I have no advice other than to take care of yourself and stop trying to figure out what your W is doing or thinking. I spend hours and hours doing that to no one's benefit!
Thanks for checking in guys. I am paying but it's all gifts for the boys. We are doing Christmas all together this year so she does a lot of the shopping and I pay. Once she moves out she is on her own financially. I know not to read her mind sometimes it's hard not to try though.
Hi Billy - it sounds like things ar settling for the time being. I am currently on a family holiday with my W and kids overseas. Same here - very civilised. I think it is because they are getting what they want - their space and freedom and having us close but not too close. They want civility and to feel like they are taking control of their future - my W plans to move out in the next few months - has said she wants to share finances still - I have not told her I find this unreasonable yet because I don't want to do anything to make matters worse - once she confirms what she will be doing then I will raise the discussion. Did you W try this or did she accept that she was to support herself once she left ?
Hi Billy - it sounds like things ar settling for the time being. I am currently on a family holiday with my W and kids overseas. Same here - very civilised. I think it is because they are getting what they want - their space and freedom and having us close but not too close. They want civility and to feel like they are taking control of their future - my W plans to move out in the next few months - has said she wants to share finances still - I have not told her I find this unreasonable yet because I don't want to do anything to make matters worse - once she confirms what she will be doing then I will raise the discussion. Did you W try this or did she accept that she was to support herself once she left ?
My W and I are planning on separating early next year and W still wants to plan family vacations. Is this normal? I'm okay with a family vacation but not sure how the logistics work.
Once my W decided she needed to move out she knew that we would be separating finances. I am the primary bread winner and she only works part time. We did cash in 2 of our mutual funds. I let her have the bigger of the 2 and I took the other. She is now going to have to work more but with the extra money she will still be able to stay home with the boys the majority of week days. I helped her in this way because at the time of the decision we had both been miserable and not talking for months. When she said she was moving out I felt it was the only way for us to move forward no matter how it ends up. It is a strange sitch but we are getting along well since the decision to move.
Still not sure what things look like once she moves but I will play it by ear and take any suggestions I get here into consideration.
There is no normal.
If you and your WW split 50 50 then inevitably she will have to work full time pay her way.
Unless you are prepared to pay for her (probably for the rest of her life) why should she not work to build her life, her pension?
The longer you delay then the fewer the consequences for WW.
It's time to get the piper to play the tune.
My 2c
V
I know the discussion will have to take place between now and when she moves out - at this stage I have just listened to her plans and what she wants and because she has given me so much notice of her plan to leave I am letting it settle for now. If my wife tells me that she has no intention of living kooky back then she has to make her own future - of course that can just be how she feels for now but she has to see the full reality of leaving the family unit.
Family holidays are hard esp when you are still very much in love and attracted to them - detaching is hard ! I want to use every opportunity to spend time together and the kids deserve this but it does come at a price to you. Esp over this time of year - it is surreal being on holiday thinking that this could be our last holiday as a family ever.
Auto spell strikes again ! Living kooky back = looking back.
One word of caution Bman. Even though you are getting along ok with the W don't expect the reality of the situation to hit her and "wake her up". With my W I thought maybe telling the boys she was moving would make her realize how unreasonable she was being. It didn't phase her a bit. While they are in the fog it seems once they set their mind to something they have to go through with it. I think my W thinks if she doesn't see what it's like to live on her own she will regret it for the rest of her life. I hope that she sees that it's a lot less exciting than what she thinks it's going to be. In the meantime I get all this free time to do whatever the hell I want. Who knows maybe in the end I'll be the one that is happier apart. The only difference is I would hope that even if I liked being apart I would at least try to R in order to keep my family together.
Thanks for the advice Billy - I really appreciate the reality check. That had crossed my mind in the past as I have read this a few times that she has to take her journey irrelevant of what I say or do - but deep down I have been living in hope ( denial ) that she won't go through with it. I have been thinking over and over about when to bring up the logistics of her moving out but think I will let her bring it up once she sets a solid date to leave. It has been 6 months this week that she BD me and she said she will plan to leave mid next year. She just got a new job so I think it won't be too long till she starts to look for a new place to move in to. I will use my new time to myself for my own gain but I have to address the financial arrangements because if we still share finances ( 90 percent earned by me ) then I will be meeting weekly to discuss budgets and having to answer to her every dollar I spend - highly unacceptable for my future I think. It will be a source of conflict because it will be a first time that I will be stating what I believe is acceptable for me. I want to leave the door open but can't be left like this and then have to stay attached at the wallet. Any ideas on whether I just let her do what she wants for 6 - 12 months then bring it up or just do it sooner when she announces she is leaving ??? Suggestions appreciated :-/
I would ensure all separation arrangements, including finances, access and custody arrangements are clearly set out in a written agreement at the point of separation.
In fact - if you haven't done so already, I would consult a L and seek advice on how best to protect your own interests and those of the kids in the event she chooses to leave.
Hi Geordie - it is amazing how many people are living such similar situations on here - no wonder they use the term - script - sorrry you are going through this too.
One word of caution Bman. Even though you are getting along ok with the W don't expect the reality of the situation to hit her and "wake her up". With my W I thought maybe telling the boys she was moving would make her realize how unreasonable she was being. It didn't phase her a bit. While they are in the fog it seems once they set their mind to something they have to go through with it. I think my W thinks if she doesn't see what it's like to live on her own she will regret it for the rest of her life. I hope that she sees that it's a lot less exciting than what she thinks it's going to be. In the meantime I get all this free time to do whatever the hell I want. Who knows maybe in the end I'll be the one that is happier apart. The only difference is I would hope that even if I liked being apart I would at least try to R in order to keep my family together.
My W is also set on her path. I keep thinking something like telling the kids will wake her up but I've been wrong all along. My W also wants to be independent and sees S or D as the path to that goal.
Thankyou Sotto - I will start with speaking with a L to at k sat have things squared away in the best interests of my kids and my future. That will help ease the uncertainty a little. Billy's a few months ahead if where I am at and his posts have been very helpful due to his calm nature and approach.
Had a busy weekend. The catch is that most of it was spent with my W. Friday night we were out until midnight finishing up our Christmas shopping. Saturday S10 had a basketball game and after that the boys went to play at a friends house. I went to W house and we wrapped presents for 3 hours. W went out with a friend Saturday night. We woke up Sunday morning and got in the hot tub for a couple hours then went to her parents house for Christmas dinner.
The weekend was fine except for the fact that it felt so normal. The problem is it's anything but normal. W is moving out in 1 week. I am still struggling with how to handle myself once she leaves. Do I totally pull back and move on and see if she misses me or do I continue with our friendly type of interactions we are having now. If we remain the way it is now do I risk being put in the friend zone for good? Is it best to just go on with my life and if she comes to me deal with it then? I know what feels right but that isn't always the best course of action. I am convinced there is no OM and if there is then she is very good at hiding it. I do think she is curious what it is like to be on her own like maybe she missed something being married so young. If any vets could weigh in on how they think I should proceed please do so.
Had a lot of time to think today at work. I am looking back on most of my recent interactions with my W. I am just so lost as to what to do. While I like the fact that we can talk about day to day things and its pleasant. I don't know if these interactions are good or bad going forward. I was thinking and I don't know if this is what's best for me or not. If it can be a building block for the future that's great but I don't want to put myself in a position to get my hopes up. I am sure everybody will say she's cake eating. Should I just shut down the things we are doing together and pull back even more. I never call or text W. She has tm me pretty much every morning for the past 3 weeks about one thing or another. The last 2 weeks she calls most of the time instead of a tm. If this is her slowly softening I don't want to hurt that by suddenly changing the way I am acting. Just not sure what to do.
I'm in a very similar situation. Mine says that she will not work on the relationship and we have no chance for romance. On top of that, there is plenty of disrespectful behavior. We generally get along in daily life but it is miserable. Sounds like your is cake eating too. I'm figuring out what I want to do...
My W isn't disrespectful toward me at all. She says she is just confused. Before she decided to seperated she was totally shut down and depressed. She said she felt too mich pressure and was filled with anxiety. At no point has she ruled out us R. She moves next week and I will give her time and space and let her dictate how much we see and interact with each other. She will be on her own financially. I will try to drop the rope and GAL and see if eventually she reaches out.
Sounds like a plan and see no fault with it. Hang in there!
Last night was the first night that W slept at her house and she had the boys with her. I got done work yesterday and most of her stuff was gone. I knew she was going to have to finish moving this week but seeing the bare spaces where her stuff used to be really hit home for me. I went to my IC and had a good session. We focused mainly on me and what I'm going to do to GAL. After that I went out and did some shopping.
When I got home I moved some furniture to the living room to replace some of the gaps she left behind. I did some decorating then settled in for the evening. As I was sitting there it was unbearably quiet.I am so used to my boys yelling, wrestling and just being boys. I hated that I couldn't tuck them in and kiss them good night. I wanted so badly to call W and tell them goodnight but I decided that once she left I would let her have all the space in the world. It's so much harder for her to be gone considering the fact that we've been getting along well for the last 3 weeks. I wish I could be angry with her because it would maybe make it easier to deal with but I just don't feel that.
I have the boys tonight and I can't wait to see them and hug all 3 of them. I think if I do get angry it will be over the fact that she is taking half father son time from me. No matter what happens I can never get that back. On the other hand she will have to feel that loss as well and she loves those boys just as much as I do. This holiday will be hard but I will get through it and continue to be the best man and dad I can be.
Today I have that all too familiar empty feeling inside. That pit in my stomach reminds me of how I felt every morning for the first 3 or 4 months after BD. This time it's not due to the fact that W has moved out but the realization that I won't be with my boys half of the time. I have said that I would be willing to forgive anything in order to repair my marriage but right now I don't know if I can ever forgive her for taking my time with my sons from me. I know at some point today I will break down and cry I just hope I can hold it together when I see the boys.
Today I have that all too familiar empty feeling inside. That pit in my stomach reminds me of how I felt every morning for the first 3 or 4 months after BD. This time it's not due to the fact that W has moved out but the realization that I won't be with my boys half of the time. I have said that I would be willing to forgive anything in order to repair my marriage but right now I don't know if I can ever forgive her for taking my time with my sons from me. I know at some point today I will break down and cry I just hope I can hold it together when I see the boys.
Being separated from my kids is a huge fear of mine. W and I are planning for S or D in January. W says she wants to be S or D from me, but doesn't want to separate me from the kids. Here is W's non conventional proposal: W and the kids stay at the MR and I come spend time with the kids every evening (eat dinner, do homework and put kids to bed) and every weekend (basically, keep everything the same, but I will sleep in a nearby apartment). Others around her, think this is crazy. Maybe it is. Advice?
I don't know Gordie, it sounds like she wants all the benefits of being married without being married. Sure you'll get to see your kids all the time but is this what you want them to grow up thinking is a normal relationship. If you ever have any hope of your wife and you R then she is going to have to feel some kind of loss. Also I can't imagine this kind of arrangement would be healthy for you. Just my 2 cents.
I don't know Gordie, it sounds like she wants all the benefits of being married without being married. Sure you'll get to see your kids all the time but is this what you want them to grow up thinking is a normal relationship. If you ever have any hope of your wife and you R then she is going to have to feel some kind of loss. Also I can't imagine this kind of arrangement would be healthy for you. Just my 2 cents.
Thanks--good to know everyone thinks this is crazy.
This! ^^^^^ totally applies to my situation. It's what I'm telling myself constantly.
My W keeps saying "we'll see each other all the time". Little does she know that's not how it's going to be unless she is the one going out of her way to see me. I am planning on going dim( dark isn't really possible with the kids) as much as possible. If I allow her to keep eating cake she will never be hungry for me again. It is also two fold, I am able to use the space and time to work on me and at the same time she can experience day to day life without a partner to help her get through the tough times. My W seems to be so focused on moving that I don't think she even comprehends how tough it's going to be.
I wanted so badly to call W and tell them goodnight but I decided that once she left I would let her have all the space in the world.
Why didn't you? That is not giving her space, that IS talking with your children. Use this time wisely. I made sure to have in our decree that calling/Skype/etc would be allowed and not blocked, under no circumstances. These are your children, too. Wanting to talk with them has nothing to do with her and her space. Be careful about that.
I know what you mean jeep. I just figured the first night I would let it go. They all have iPads so I can FaceTime them anytime without disturbing W. W called this morning to ask about something random. I was short but friendly. This is kind of par for the course for the last 3-4 weeks. I don't know if it will continue once she leaves or not.
Last night I took the boys to watch a high school basketball game. It was a lot of fun. They had fun hanging out with their friends and watching the game. It was just what I needed after not having them the night before. We went home and I tucked them into bed and read them a story.
W went out to finish shopping after work and got home later in the evening. We sat down and talked a little before bed. There was some talk about what it will be like during the seperation. I asked her if this was just the next step toward D. She said she doesn't know but if she had to decide one way or the other she isn't sure what she would choose. I made sure not to talk anymore about it because that convo goes nowhere. 3 more days and I will have to start adjusting to my new life whether that be temporary or permanent. I'm trying not to think about what it's going to be like because I really don't know. For now I am going to do my best to make this holiday a great one for my boys.
My W keeps saying "we'll see each other all the time". Little does she know that's not how it's going to be unless she is the one going out of her way to see me. I am planning on going dim( dark isn't really possible with the kids) as much as possible. If I allow her to keep eating cake she will never be hungry for me again. It is also two fold, I am able to use the space and time to work on me and at the same time she can experience day to day life without a partner to help her get through the tough times. My W seems to be so focused on moving that I don't think she even comprehends how tough it's going to be.
What does going dim with kids mean to you? I'm trying to figure that out for myself.
I think it is going to be like doing LRT. I will pretty much do like I have been and not contact her unless it's absolutely necessary. We have a lot of sporting events with the kids so we will see each other often. I will give her space and time and if she works her way back to me great. The main thing is I hope she misses me at some point. Since we've been in the same house there really hasn't been any chance for her to miss anything because she hasn't given anything up.
I am with you both...my W of 22+ years moved out 6.5 weeks ago and I am also still hoping that at some point she will miss what we had. It is hard to believe that they are able to cut and run with such ease...like there is no feeling, but as stated earlier in the thread...the fantasy is greater than the reality. It is all a symptom of their crisis.
I will keep you guys in my thoughts and prayers.
Wow SBJ, our timelines are very similar. I will have to go back and catch up on your sitch. How did things go at the beginning of your S? Did you go dark or are you and W still in frequent contact?
It is odd, but she kind of went dark. Only contact revolves around money or kids. We both work together, but in separate locations so that comes into play on occasion. It is weird for sure. Will see her tonight at a Christmas party...pray for me.
Will say a prayer for you....hope things go well for you at the Christmas party.
Hi Gordie , mine pretty much suggested the exact same thing. Live as close to next door as possible, time as a family, holidays, share finances and even stay married but not live in the marriage .....I was gobsmacked when I heard her tell me this. Then I started to think am I being unreasonable to not go along with it ......I don't want that....I want my family back and will do a lot to keep the children feeling loved but I won't be feeding cake on a daily basis.
So I have gotten through Christmas. It was tough but my boys had a great day so that made it easier. W spent the night at my house Christmas Eve. We put the kids to bed and then out all the gifts out once they were asleep.
Christmas morning I was up early. I couldn't sleep because I was a little anxious about the day. W and the boys woke up and we all went down to open presents. Afterwards W was getting ready after her shower and asked me if I was going to be alright with her still going to my family's. She said I was being short with her and she didn't want us to be uncomfortable all day. I told her it would be fine and that the fact that this could be the last Christmas as a family was bothering me a little. I said I wish I could not be bothered by it like her. She said don't think you know what is going on inside my head because you don't.(amen to that).
We went to my Moms house. We did all of the usual Christmas things we do every year. At one point I walked out to the kitchen and my W and Grandmother were hugging and crying. This hurt because I know my GM loves her so much and this is tearing her up.
After my Moms we went to the IL for their Christmas. It was a lot of fun. My IL are great. They all are very supportive of me. We did dinner and some presents. After that I said I was going to go home and clean up a little. S7 wanted to come with me so I took him along. I cleaned up some then S7 and I built one of the Lego sets he got from Santa.
W came in about an hour later to retrieve her things with S10 and S4. I helped her get some things together for the boys. At one point I said Merry Christmas and gave her a hug. We stopped for a second and looked into each other's eyes, she was crying, and gave each other a kiss. We hugged again then packed up her truck and they were on their way.
Today is the first day of my new life. She is officially moved out and on to the next step of her journey. I am ready to move forward but not move on. I will be the lighthouse. I look forward to finding out what makes me happy outside of my relationship with my W. It won't be easy but no matter what gets thrown at me I know I will be ok.
It's sad and scary to have taken fhaf step but I believe that ultimately you will be better in the end either way. Hang in there.
I made it through the first official day of seperation pretty smoothly. Worked a normal day then got back in the gym after. The last month or so I haven't been making enough time to get my workouts in. The gym will now be part of my regular routine going forward.
I texted W to ask her to contact the cable company because they had messed up our accounts when she moved and needed her authorization for it to be fixed. She asked me to come over to her house and we could do it on the phone together. The call with the company lasted about an hour and a half. The call was frustrating but W and I had a couple of laughs during it. When we were done I made sure not to linger and said goodnight. This is something I had thought about on my way to her house. As much as I would have liked to hang out with her I would only stay longer if she invited me to.
I went home and made some dinner. I then decided that rather than sit at home alone I would go to my friends house and watch some football. After I was exhausted so I went home and straight to bed.
I get my boys tonight so I am looking forward to that. I think I will try to plan something fun for us to do tonight.
Well done Billy - sounds like you are doing all you can for now. Wishing you and all the DBers a wonderful 2017 with positive steps every day.
Had a nice day today. Worked and then took the boys out to see the new Star Wars movie. They loved it and so did I.
The one thing that has me scratching my head is that even though W has been moved out for 2 days on both days she has called and tm me several times a day. I guess I had this picture in my head of her moving and us just not talking at all. I make sure not to contact her but she seems to have gotten comfortable contacting me every day.
I am listening to No More Mr Nice Guy audiobook the last couple of days. A lot of what is in there I can relate to. I am most definitely a people pleaser when it comes to my wife. I realize now that I need to put my needs first and to not kiss her butt as much especially in the current sitch. She wants a man that will take charge not a pushover. Over the years I lost sight of that and lost track of who I am as a man.
Sounds like a great day all around. What did the w text about?
(Do you think rogue one was ok for S4?)
Hey Jug,
It was a very good stress free day. Ws text was asking if she left something in the closet. The weird thing is she knows she totally cleared everything out of the closet when she left. I try not to mind read but it almost seems like she is now the one who is afraid to "let go".
The movie was ok for my youngest. The only thing he didn't like was that it was pretty long.
W came to my house this morning so I could have the boys overnight. She was going to keep them since I didn't have a sitter but she offered to come early in the morning so they could stay the night. That was nice of her.
I read through all of the sitch on here where the W is spewing and just diwn right mean to the LBS. I look at my W and she is anything but mean and nasty toward me. I am glad that she doesn't lash out at me but I think that makes it that much more confusing. I just wish I knew if she was softening or just trying to keep the peace. She isn't getting anything from me now so what is it she's is holding on to. She wanted to get out and now that she is "free" it seems she doesn't know what to do with herself.
BillyHo...I understand how confusing it is, but from what I have seen, none of it will ever make any sense to us. I am going thru the same thing you are and it totally stinks.
In my case she wanted me around her during Christmas, but after the festivities were over, she was back out the door.
Only time will tell, but as someone on the boards keeps reminding me...when/if she ever decides she wants to come back home, you will know it for sure.
W just texted me. Would I want to keep the boys while she goes to the store later. The boys don't want to go. I said yes but not until after I am done at the gym. At some point do I put my foot down and say "this is your S and this is the stuff you have to deal with when you are on your own". Or do I just take advantage of being able to spend a couple extra hours with my kids? This is day 3 of S and we are in as much contact as when we lived in the same house. This crap is just too weird to wrap my head around.
BillyHo...I am too new to this to give you advice for sure. I hope some of the vets around here will give you some sound advice that will allow you to make the right call. Good luck.
My sitch as far as contact is the opposite of yours...my wife pulled away and stopped calling/texting as much right after BD, but then went totally dark once she moved out, unless it had to do with money or the kids. I hope and pray that things work out for you and your family.
So I've really been thinking about this since my last post. I have no idea how to define things between W and I. If I had to guess, which I do, I would say she is afraid to totally let go and is enjoying her cake. Being the "nice guy" people pleaser I am, I have allowed it to go on thus far. The thing is I have been so worried about rocking the boat or pissing her off that I just went along with it. I think it is time to start doing what is right for me. I am tired of giving and getting nothing in return. If she can be selfish and only think of what makes her happy then it is time to take my balls back start looking out for #1. From here on out the bakery is closed and there will be no cake eaten on my watch. Until she can say that she wants to work on us or at least try to build to a point we can work on us she will need to feel what it is like to be without me and all of the wonderful benefits that come with being my significant other.
She doesn't respect me and she won't until I stand up for myself and take control of the sitch. If she gets mad, what's she going to do? Move out, oh yea she's already gone. It is time for her to feel a loss and realize that I'm not going to be there to help her until she is ready to give a little back. It makes me sad to think that I became this pushover in the last six years. In the first 12 years of our marriage I wasn't the best husband and was a little selfish. Guess what, that's when she wanted me the most. It's time to start doing for me and let the cards fall where they may.
Hi Billy - I have a cycle going where I am allowing her to do as she pleases because she will do it anyway but then I think it is time I set my limits and give her some tough love and so some days I amready to be tough and other days I am caring and patient - so please keep in the back of your mind that whatever you decide to do - be consistent otherwise it can come across as flaky - so don't get too tough or too soft - just really know how you want it to be for yourself and your kids and then make sure you won't regret it in the long run - I ask myself will the way I treat her help me or hinder me in the long run. We are all still the victims of the emotional roller coaster and so the way we want to handle it changes - you may find in a week or two that you might want to handle it differently again so just keep that in mind before deciding. All the best. J
I've been thinking more about your sitch - I'm far from qualified to give you anything but my humble thoughts so please filter it accordingly. You said your wife is not respecting you yet you also said in another post that she isn't spewing horrible things at you like some peoples situations here - I believe that most people are doing their best even if we can't make sense of it - it is their reality and how they see the situation that they are reacting to - if she is not spewing at you then that is a reflection of how you are treating her. You are to be commended for that. Just set the tone of what you expect and treat her in the same way and she sounds like a decent person who will reflect this - if not then you set a boundary that you don't accept the way she treats you and she will learn. It is a process of trial and error and you take data from each interaction and build on it - what works and what doesn't. Ultimately if you find her behaviour unacceptable then you respond accordingly. If the best you can have is friendship then isn't that a good place to start building from - as long as she is aware that your intention is to work on the marriage and that you don't accept being friend zoned in the long run. The other option is to tell her to leave you to get on with your life and to call you if she changes her mind. Just my humble thoughts.
You go, billyho!
I'm happy to see that you want to stand up for yourself and not let her cake eat and disrespect you? If you're comfortable sharing, how do you plan to enforce this?
Thanks for responding.
Bman
Beleive me I want to continue to treat her the way I have always treated her. The thing I don't want is for her to be happy with the way things are. Sure it makes things more comfortable between us but is it working toward something or just making things easy for her while she sees if there is something better out there. If there was a OM it would be much easier for me to know what to do but I don't know that there is.
Jug
I guess what I would really need to do is not be so accomidating. If she asks me to watch the boys only do it if it fits into my plans or because I want to do it. Don't do it just to make her happy.
I enjoy the fact that we are communicating in a friendly and civil way. I am just unsure if I need to pull back or if I just keep on how we are and see if we can build something from there. If I only knew what she wanted in terms of this seperation. It has been 3 days and it doesn't feel like we are seperated at all. We are just living in different houses. I think I know what I need to do but that is the thing that scares me the most. I want to let go but she is making it so hard to do.
I think I know what I need to do but that is the thing that scares me the most. I want to let go but she is making it so hard to do.
As I said, I am too new to this to give much advice, but what I do know is that everyone has said that we should do what works...not what we think should work.
Keep reading and listening to all of the vets on here.
Good luck my friend.
Absolutely be friendly and civil but don't reach out. Don't accommodate her unless you truly think it's for your kids' best interest. Go do your own thing.
I signed up for a coach today. Hopefully that will get me headed in the right direction. Thanks so much for your input guys.
Had my coaching session today. My coach said that it is a good sign that W seems to want to maintain contact with me. She said it is a sign that she still feels a connection with me. She also said that the fact that we are friendly is a good thing because friendship is the foundation of a good marriage. I am supposed to look at her as a friend for now. If a friend called and asked to get in my hot tub I would say sure so it's ok to let her use it as long as she asks. I also can't judge her as if she is my wife but as if she were just a friend.
According to the coach this is the most mild sitch that she is dealing with currently. I will continue to be friendly while GAL and working on me. I am ready to do my best to approach this with a beginners mind.
The struggle I have now is finding people in my life that understand why I am still standing for my M. Everyone wants me to move on because I deserve better. They say I could find someone else without any trouble. It makes me sad to think that these people would just give up on a 18yr M because things have gotten really bad. I don't think M is something you just give up on. I think this is worth fighting for. I know they just want me to stop hurting and I will. This is making me stronger than I ever knew I could be. I am on this journey and I am going to ride it out to the end.
Hi Billy, I'm glad you spoke with a coach - I am also glad to hear that you see friendship as a good start point and will nurture that - for now just living on her own may be all the space she needs to get clarity and feel like she is getting what she needs for the time being. What she ultimately does is unknown but you are controlling what you can and giving her opportunity for friendship. Your family and friends are protecting you and so it's easy for them to tell you to mlove on as they care for you and want to see you be happy because you deserve it. It's a throw away comment to tell you to move on and comes from caring about you but if they were in your situation they would see it differently also. Sometimes family and friends are not the best people to take advice from - keep your plan and focus on working it every day and see their concern and comments purely as a sign of their love for you but keep your real constructive support to those who understand such as as a coach, counselor, priest etc. As I mentioned in my earlier post - you have set a good tone for your situation where your W feels safe communicating with you which is really a great start point for growth - no matter how slow. I have been criticized in the past for mentioning building connnection but without this you have no viable way to reconcile - I think you are handling it well. Boundaries are always important but only to keep things how you need them to be and not to control your wife - just keep on focusing on making yourself the best version of you - for yourself and the kids, and find your inner happiness. That's all you can do in reality - but you know the saying "build it and they will come " :-)
Had my coaching session today. My coach said that it is a good sign that W seems to want to maintain contact with me. She said it is a sign that she still feels a connection with me. She also said that the fact that we are friendly is a good thing because friendship is the foundation of a good marriage. I am supposed to look at her as a friend for now. If a friend called and asked to get in my hot tub I would say sure so it's ok to let her use it as long as she asks. I also can't judge her as if she is my wife but as if she were just a friend.
Exactly. Think of a neighbor you are friends with. There is a good relationship, but clear boundaries.
The struggle I have now is finding people in my life that understand why I am still standing for my M. Everyone wants me to move on because I deserve better. They say I could find someone else without any trouble. It makes me sad to think that these people would just give up on a 18yr M because things have gotten really bad. I don't think M is something you just give up on. I think this is worth fighting for. I know they just want me to stop hurting and I will. This is making me stronger than I ever knew I could be. I am on this journey and I am going to ride it out to the end.
This predicament is not uncommon and is addressed in the book by stating these people are buying because YOU are hurting and don't always give the best advice.
Ignore their advice, and if it becomes too troublesome tell them to leave you alone about it. You do what you think is best, right, and congruous to your goals. You don't owe anyone any explanations if you are doing so.
-PM
*Hurting*, not buying.
-PM
Thursday into Wednesday something W said on Wednesday when I watched the boys for her was bothering me. I smelled wine on her breath when she came and she knew I did and said she stopped at our friends house and had a glass. I could tell this was a lie. S10 was there when she said it. I let it go but on Thursday I inadvertently found out for a fact it wasn't true. I was restless all night thinking about it. I wasn't sure if I should address it or not. To my surprise at 7am I get a text from W. It said btw the other night when S10 asked if I was at a bar I did stop and get a bite to eat and a drink but I wasn't going to say that in front of him. I'm sorry if it didn't set well with you. I called and told her it wasn't a big deal but I did appreciate her being honest with me.
Friday S7 and S4 went away with FIL and MIL for the weekend. I had S10 for the whole weekend. We went to my dads to do Christmas presents. We had a good time but I was exhausted from the lack of sleep the night before. We got up Saturday morning and relaxed in the hot tub. We got showers then went out for breakfast then did some shopping. In the afternoon I took S10 to the gym with me. We did our workout and went home and got some rest.
After a little nap I got up and decided to try something new. I saw a recipe on Facebook for something that looked really good. I bought all of the ingredients and decided I would take my first shot at baking. I did all of the baking and put the finished product in some Tupperware. We took the snack to friends house who was having a get together for NYE. I hadn't tried it but everybody that did said it was amazing and went back for seconds. It made me feel really good and made me realize that stepping out of your comfort zone can be very rewarding.
Today we are hanging out and watching football. Tonight we are going to a friends to exchange gifts. It will be W, all 3 boys, some friends and me. I'm a little under the weather but I will do my best to be upbeat while I'm there. I did bake my new specialty to take to the party.
After this first week of living apart I realize I am far from detached. I am doing well with GAL but the detaching needs some work.
Just got back from the get together at our friends house. W was pleasant but not overly chattie. I had a great time with the kids and our friends laughing and joking around. Didn't interact with W a whole lot but the funny thing is I had no problem keeping my focus off of her. I thought I would have to fake having a good time since I am a little sick but I genuinely had a great time. I guess this is a step in the right direction.
To my surprise at 7am I get a text from W. It said btw the other night when S10 asked if I was at a bar I did stop and get a bite to eat and a drink but I wasn't going to say that in front of him. I'm sorry if it didn't set well with you. I called and told her it wasn't a big deal but I did appreciate her being honest with me.
.
I would have said nothing or simply "no worries"... more toward being polite but not invested...
I am simply trying to add some clarity to being polite and detached. The lack of emotional attachment is subtle... but with practice I think the message is sent and received at a subconscience level for women... IMHO
Sounds like good progress in general given the tough situation.
Yesterday was a mixed bag for me. I started of having a really bad day at work. When I have bad days like that I seem to allow everything going on in my sitch to explode on my head. I eventually worked through it on my own. I got a good workout in and then came home. W stopped in with the kids to talk about something regarding the boys. It was pleasant as most of our conversations are lately.
She asked if I would help her with a mattress for S4 room at her place. I drove over and helped her and said goodbye without hanging around at all. I went home and made some dinner then went out to watch the football game. During the game she called to ask me something about a tv show for the boys. I responded and she was appreciative and replied with some smiley emojis.
I love the fact that we are able to talk and communicate so well at this point. I hope that this is laying the ground work for deeper talks in the future. I am continuing to GAL and that seems to always get me back on track when I'm feeling a little down.
Had my boys after school today. It is crazy around here with the 3 of them running around yelling and screaming but I will take that over silence any day. I went online and found a new recipe for dinner, a 180 for me. It is no longer quick and easy meals when the boys are here. I am trying to plan ahead for the nights they are with me to have good meals for them. After dinner S7 had a basketball game which was a lot of fun.
Saw W today and it we were pleasant with each other. One of her friends said I should not be so nice to her but I'm going to treat her like a friend as long as she isn't being disrespectful to me which she hasn't been at all.
I have a coaching session tomorrow that I am looking forward to.
Nice to hear something positive is happening in your sitch. Let us know how the coaching session goes. I've been thinking about investing in 3 sessions myself, but it's a lot of $ and I'd like to hear your opinion before I do it...
Do you think the friend was saying your emotions are coming through? Or polite nice like a flight attendant?? Detached and polite.
I think the friend was saying that if things are easy for W there will be no reason for her to make a decision one way or the other.
It's been about a week and s half since W moved out. I still wake up in the middle of the night thinking about her and wondering what she's doing. These are the worst times for me. I lay in bed with my head spinning and can't get back to sleep. When I'm busy with the kids or doing GAL activities it's not so bad. It's those quiet times alone that things start to get to me. I am still working on detachment but I don't think I'm doing a very good job of it. Im not depressed at all but the uncertainty of my sitch gets to me at times.
BillyHo - I think many of us reading here have been where you are right now.
It does get better. One of the "tools" that my IC gave me was something called "mindfulness". When the spinning thoughts would overwhelm me I would try to remind myself that they were just thoughts and not reality. I would then use a mental image - I often used a scrub-brush - to mentally wipe those thoughts out of my mind. It would work, sometimes not for long but over time I got better at it and got better at not obsessing about what my W was up to.
Good luck.
Hi BillyHo. I feel for you man. I don't know which of our sitches is worse! You with your W moved out completely and you living totally in the dark with regard to what she's up to. Or me living with the W and watching her come and go as she pleases without regard to my feelings. I'm doing my own thing. Going out when I can. Not sharing the same space with her. But when she's out I do worry and wait up. On the one hand it's nice that I still see my W and give her an opportunity to see me and keep some kind of contact going. But in reality if she's not interested in reconciling I wish she would just leave.
Hi Billy,
I still wake up at night and do the same, when I wake up in the morning my first thought is wondering if it was all a bad dream and then it hits me again, most of my dreams involve my wife - it's tiring I know, but it reminds me what I am doing and what it means to me. It has just ticked over 6 months for me. My wife is still at home but has just got a new job and so I am mentally preparing for her to start making plans to leave in the next few months. My personal goal is to be prepared mentally and completely self sufficient so that I know that I don't need her to have a happy and fulfilling life. How are you going managing your anger and resentment - I can feel mine brewing deep down from time to time and so I exercise a lot and meditate and re read my plan and my goals. I understand what she feels and why she feels it but am still struggling to accept that she can just give up and walk away - that is something I am really having to work on because I will find it very hard to respect that.
I'll be honest, sure I've been angry and even a little resentful at times but that isn't really the case anymore. I know I have a part in this but I really do feel sorry for my W that she isn't able to stay and deal with whatever she is struggling with. She has never been one to share her feelings, unlike me, and I beleive years of stuffing things inside has brought her to this place she is at now. At some point she will have to address those issues with or without me. I am being very patient, loving and understanding. I will be that way for as long as I possibly can. I love her and she is the mother of my boys. I don't think if she decides in the end that there is no future for her with me that my love for her should change. I pray that one day we can at least "try" but if not I will have to be ok with that.
That's how it was with me her upstairs me downstairs,lasted for 4 years no change cycling stalemate,my head going 10 to dozen where's she going where she been,I couldent take it anymore so I had to get verbally nasty to make her go,I knew she would ,now she not here but I feel better,and things are moving fastest they have beenin over 4 years,things have changed ,but for the best or not,imI'm not sure yet but making her leave seems to have got things moving,living in limbo with them seems to drain the life out of you,and they seem happy living like that,
Yesterday was a pretty busy day filled with a lot of positive interaction with W. I had the boys overnight and she came to my house at 4:30 in the morning to be with the boys so I could leave for work. I have lined up someone to do this the nights they are with me but W is not sure if she's comfortable with it or not. I told her I would be fine with her doing it but I am not willing to give up my weekday overnights with the kids. So for now she will do it and we will see how it goes.
So I start the day seeing her as I leave for work. I go to work and after a while I get a tm from W wondering when I'll be home. I fm back a time. She then calls to see if I can help her with S10 dr appt. I did and she was appreciative. After the appt W stopped by my house. I took her mail out and we had about a 5 min convo about nothing in particular.
I took a nap and then had a coaching session. My session was very enlightening and made me see things in a different light. I caught my coach up in the weeks events and then we did an exercise for most of the rest of the time. She asked me to answer a series of questions as if I was my W answering. This really helped me see some of the things that I am responsible for in the breakdown of our marriage. Even though I don't agree with her way of dealing with the sitch I can now see how she has gotten to this place of not knowing what she wants.
After the exercise she read back to me all the things I had said in response to the questions. Sitting there listening made me feel very sad at all the things I had done wrong over the years. Not that I did any of it to intentionally hurt her but how could she know that only seeing it from her perspective.
She gave me a homework assignment to write a letter to apologize for all of my shortcomings in the M. She told me not to send it because we will review it when we talk again next week.
After the session I picked W and the boys up at her house to go to S10 basketball game. We had a good time. We talked a lot and kept the conversation light. When we are together like this it feels so natural and it's hard to beleive a couple of months ago she wouldn't even talk to me or ride in the same car to a game. After I took them to her house said goodnight and went back home.
I know some of the advice on here is more of a tough love style and every sitch is different, but I feel in my heart that this is the best thing for me right now. I do feel bad for those of you that have wives that spew and disrespect you and I feel fortunate that my W hasn't done that with me. I love my W and to love her even in these toughest of times is what I feel I need to do right now.
Sounds like some decent progress BillyHo.
The details on the coaching session is very enlightening. I think I will try that experiment on my own. Probably won't have the same impact but I know it will keep me from storing up too much resentment.
My W has never really spewed and many times I could tell that she was very upset for the position she has put us in. But the disrespect is definitely there, and I understand why. In my case the tough love approach might be the only thing left I can do to win back her respect.
Really happy for you dude!
Thanks Chris,
I know I have a long way to go and a lot of work to do on myself. My hope is that all of this friendly interaction with my W is building a foundation to R but we are still no where close to that yet. I will keep up the GAL and take things a day at a time. One thing I have decided to focus on is my jealousy. I think this has been a problem that has bothered her over the years. Even when I never had a reason not to trust her I still worried she would leave me for someone else. That is more of an issue having to do with me and not really about her.
On a side note, from something I read in your posts in the past I think you and I may live somewhat in the same area. I would love to sit down and have a drink with you sometime. You seem like a cool guy and our sitchs are somewhat similar. Not sure how to make it happen. I tried to send a pm but it wouldn't let me.
Funny. I tried PM'ing you as well (to get your advice on whether the phone sessions are worth the $) and got the same error. I wonder if one of the moderators could help with this?
Btw, I'm in the Philly area. I think a meetup would be great!
Well that all sounds good to me,so you must be making the right moves seems to me she could be starting to come round,but just be care full ,
I'm not ready to say she is coming around yet but I am ok with the way things seem to be heading in the right direction. I'm sure she is still confused so I'm just going to continue to do what seems to be working. I'll keep my eyes open and my expectations very low.
BillyHo. Not sure what's up with the PMs being turned off. It's probably managed by the admins.
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I'll be honest, sure I've been angry and even a little resentful at times but that isn't really the case anymore. I know I have a part in this but I really do feel sorry for my W that she isn't able to stay and deal with whatever she is struggling with. She has never been one to share her feelings, unlike me, and I beleive years of stuffing things inside has brought her to this place she is at now. At some point she will have to address those issues with or without me. I am being very patient, loving and understanding. I will be that way for as long as I possibly can. I love her and she is the mother of my boys. I don't think if she decides in the end that there is no future for her with me that my love for her should change. I pray that one day we can at least "try" but if not I will have to be ok with that.
My W is also not one to share her feelings, but want to encourage you that my W has started in responses to my changes. Since starting DB, I also no longer initiate R talks. However, when my W initiates them, I try my hardest to make eye contact and listen as intently as possible. All of my attention is her. I validate and also make encouraging comments, such as thank you for opening up to me and I want to better understand what you are feeling. This is a 180 for me as I have been a lousy listener in the past. The result is that she is more open to me now than she has ever been. It hasn't cured our problems or saved our marriage yet, but it's a big improvement in our overall R.
Short version: if you want your W to open up, demonstrate that you are really listening and what she is saying is the most important thing in the universe in that moment.
My W is also not one to share her feelings, but want to encourage you that my W has started in responses to my changes. Since starting DB, I also no longer initiate R talks. However, when my W initiates them, I try my hardest to make eye contact and listen as intently as possible. All of my attention is her. I validate and also make encouraging comments, such as thank you for opening up to me and I want to better understand what you are feeling. This is a 180 for me as I have been a lousy listener in the past. The result is that she is more open to me now than she has ever been. It hasn't cured our problems or saved our marriage yet, but it's a big improvement in our overall R.
Short version: if you want your W to open up, demonstrate that you are really listening and what she is saying is the most important thing in the universe in that moment.
I love this Gordie. I think I need to start a scrapbook of inspirational posts from this board and start reading them regularly...
Thanks for sharing Gordie. We haven't really had many R talks lately but no matter what we talk about I am consciously trying to pay attention to everything she is saying. I don't think I have been a good listener in the past. Now that I am aware of it I think it is becoming much easier to do. I try to concentrate on making eye contact when we talk so she knows I am paying attention to what she is saying.
Hello everyone. Hope everybody had a great weekend. I did some serious GAL this weekend. I took off on Friday and got to hang out with my boys before school. W actually came over in the morning for a couple of hours and hung out at my place. After that I left for a long drive for my destination for the weekend. On the way I listened to a audiobook on jealousy. The book was very eye opening and had some good techniques for dealing with those jealous feelings. One thing is to just acknowledge the feelings and don't give into them.
I went to a friends for the weekend that I haven't seen for a while. It was a very long drive and in a way very relaxing. While at my friends I was able to check off one of the items on my bucket list.
W had the boys and they went away for the weekend with her side of the family. She posted lots of fun pics on FB. I was glad to see the boys had a great time but I couldn't help but think "man I wish I was there with them."
I arrived home late last night. While at work this morning W tm me with a question then a little later called about a bill. While talking I asked her about their weekend. She went on for about 5 min telling me all about it. I didn't interrupt I just listened. I have been trying to slip a question in here and there about her when we talk just so she has a chance to share with me. I don't get too personal just general stuff about work or the boys. I feel like this is a good opportunity for me to listen and validate whenever I get the chance.
Today I have some free time so I am going to work on the letter my coach asked me to write apologizing for my shortcomings in the M. Hope to have a session to review it this week.
Hey man. Sounds like you're doing all the right things. Jealousy is a plague in my emotions these days too. I know what you mean about the FB posts. At one point I even contemplated blocking my W on FB after she posted a slew of those life-affirming, "don't let negative people drag you down" images. I like how you're able to slip in a question here and there to show your W that you are interested in her life. I'd like to get to that point someday. I have my first phone coaching session in an hour. Hopefully I'll feel better afterward.
Hey Chris. Let us know how your session goes. I am sure you feel better after. I know I did.
Thanks. I just updated my thread. I still feel pretty lousy but it's likely because I'm still recovering from last night's drama. I will be forging ahead with the coach's plan to see if it makes any difference in my life (and my relationship with my W).
Yesterday I took S11 to a C appt. He is a very sensitive kid but seems to be dealing with the S pretty well. Afterwords I tm W to let her know he had to pick something up at my house and that I would drop him off after that. She responded and said she was making dinner if I wanted to join them. I had dinner with W and the boys and it was pleasant. I thought it was nice that she asked me to dinner.
After dinner I took S7 to basketball practice and W took S10 to his game. We had a good practice, I took S home and said good night to the other boys and W. I went home and relaxed watching some football and then off to bed.
I have a coaching session on Wednesday so today I hope to have some time to write my letter to W. My coach will then review and help me revise anything that doesn't sound right. Anybody else have any experience in writing this type of apology letter?
Had a busy day today. Went to work then to the grocerie store to stock up on food drink and snacks. It is my night to have the boys so I found a new recipe to cook for dinner. FIL was over for dinner. The new meal was a big success. It is a great feeling to make a meal from scratch and have everyone enjoy it. This is a definite 180 for me.
I found some time today to write my apology letter to W. I will go over it again a couple of times before talking to coach tomorrow. I also have a appt with my IC tomorrow. I am looking forward to talking to him about how to deal with my jealousy and anxious attachment style. I know this is something that goes back to when I was 10 and my parents got divorced. I believe this is the biggest thing I want to work on for myself and any future R with or without my W.
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