I've been reading on this site for several weeks and decided to join. My wife and I have dated for 4 years and we married over the summer. I'm in my mid 30s and she's mid 20s and no kids. Our biggest issues are communication and I didn't understand her love language. All she wanted from me is to show her love and I didn't do it in a way she understood. She asked me for months to read the 5 love languages and take marriage classes and I refused. I was too blind and prideful to think we had issues. She now feels like I don't love her and I can't meet her needs.
We had fight and she went to her parents about a month and a half ago. The first couple weeks we talked and she came home some. Stayed for the weekend, we talked, had sex and thought we were going to work on things. She said that was a mistake and moved a lot of her personal things to her parents the next day. I did everything wrong at this point. Begged and begged for her to try which pushed her away. She had so much anger built up and she would just yell at me and says she wants a divorce and we should have never married. Said many hateful things that she knows would hurt me. She tells me she doesn't love me. This went on for about a week and we stopped talking again for several days and then she would call or text about random things. This went on again for a couple weeks. Just kept saying she's sorry but it's over and she wants to get everything of hers out of the house.
While this was all going on I read her book and have gone to counseling. It's like a lightbulb went off in my head. I finally understand why she is feeling this way. I feel like a new person when it comes to emotions. I asked her to go to counseling with me and she says no because it's too late.
Then last week she came over to get a few things and said she needed to leave right away but ended up staying for 5 hours. We talked about what what I've learned and that I'm going to counseling, she, hugged me, and we kissed. She left because she knows we would have had sex if she stayed much longer. She's a very physical person and said she misses having sex. She made the comment why I couldn't have just done these things months ago. We continued to talk and text over the weekend. She was being nice, playful and having real conversation about our days, etc. She keeps saying over and over she wishes she could try again and wants to believe me but just can't and we need to both move on. Yesterday she said we should not be talking and has gone back to not texting or calling me. The back and forth is killing me inside and I don't know what to do. She won't tell me if she has filed for D or not when I ask and I don't think there is anyone else. I do know several of her friends are telling her to get out now because people don't change. Why does she want to talk one day and the next ignores me??
I need help!!
Welcome to the board
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm and Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htmYou may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH. Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...224#Post2578224Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
So today is thanksgiving and her birthday is in two days. This has always been our favorite week of the year. It has me really down that we are spending it apart. ee haven't spoken since Tuesday. I know that isn't a long time compared to most on here but for us that's like months. I guess she's going to go through with this. I had so much hope last weekend when she seemed so confused.
bsb, her actions are confusing because she is confused, she may want to believe you can change but she has memories of trying to get you to change and you not doing so.
Right now it's important that you do change, not for her but for you, so you are a better person. You said a light bulb went off in your head when you read one book, well there are many more light bulbs you need to turn on.
For now, be kind and supporting to her when she reaches out, but don't reach out to her, give her space to figure herself out. When you talk to her, don't tell her how much you've learned, show her. Validate her feelings (read the homework cadet gave you), and when she's not reaching out to you use that time to look into yourself and improve things one at a time.
Also, give more info when you get time, what where her complaints, why did she want you to go to counseling, how was your sex life, etc...
That's exactly what I did last week weekend when we started talking/texting. We had several good conversations finally not revolving on the past. It was almost like we were almost normal again. She kept calling me baby and she kept the conversations going. She wanted to come to the house Sunday but changed her mind at the last minute. Then all of a sudden she went back to we need to stop talking because we are getting a divorce.
Her complaints are that I didn't show her love. I agree with that 100% now. Too much was always about me and what I wanted. I didn't give her physical affection outside the bedroom. She says she started to fall out of love and we shouldn't have got married in the first place. She wanted to go to counseling before we got married to discuss all of this and I wouldn't go. Now that I'm gong she won't. That's the part that hurts. I know I can be the husband she wants me to be now if she would just let me show it. Actions not words but how do I do that when we don't see each other?? Part of me thinks she knows if we see each other we will have sex and that scares her. She always a tells me that we had the best sex of her life and when we are around each other it just happens.
I feel like she's drifting apart further and further. We have been married for only 5 months and she acts like we are just dating and the marriage doesn't mean anything. I haven't contacted her since we talked Monday but it's hard!!!
I feel like she's drifting apart further and further. We have been married for only 5 months and she acts like we are just dating and the marriage doesn't mean anything.
Maybe you changed immediately following the wedding. Some guys do. They are focused on getting the girl, so they romance her all the way to the alter. After M, they are focused on earning a living, and tend to fall away from some of the things or ways they had before M.
I don't understand about her wanting to attend MC before the wedding. Were you living together and already having issues?
That's the part that hurts. I know I can be the husband she wants me to be now if she would just let me show it.
What makes you so sure? She gave you a chance for five months and you were focused on yourself until she left you. Now you are back to pursuing again. What's to say that once she goes back to you that you won't fall into your old selfish habits again? Do you even know what kind of H she wants........or is it more
your idea of what
you think she wants? And if you know, why did you not care enough to keep something precious and nourish it?
Actions not words but how do I do that when we don't see each other??
Sounds to me like you have been seeing each other plenty. Are you pressuring her? Did you pressure her into M you? Seeing her will do no good if you don't know what to
do once you get her back. You are pursuit mode, just like you were before the M. Stop focusing on just getting her back, and start changing the man. Are you on a self improvement plan? Why are you in counseling? Are you doing it to persuade her to go back to you?
Actions not words but how do I do that when we don't see each other??
At the moment, I kind of think the girl still loves you. I haven't heard enough to decide if she is playing a little, in order to get what she wants from you. It doesn't sound good that your W of five months is saying you are getting a divorce!
She fell for you once, but the second time around you had better do a better job at keeping her......if she is worth it.
Have you read the Divorce Remedy and the links Cadet posted? If not, get it done ASAP.
Keep reading and posting.
She wanted to do pre-marriage counseling. I didn't want to go. We have been living together for a couple years and both said we already felt married. I didn't really understand her needs till I read the 5 love languages book. I highly recommend it. It went over basically everything she was trying to tell me. I started counseling about a month ago at first thinking she would go to try to work on things. She wouldn't go so I decided to still go for myself. It has helped for me. I feel like I understand why I acted the way I did at first. I'm continuing to go for me.
I want to believe she loves me but it's hard when she says she doesn't and wants out. It's the back and forth that really gets to me.
BSB,
Sorry you are here but I think you will get some really useful advice. I believe your M is salvageable.
Back off and give her space. She won't appreciate anything you are doing until she is ready to see it. She's got to see that the changes you are making are permanent and that you aren't going to slide back into being the old you. In order to ensure that the changes are permanent, you have to be making the changes for YOU, not to win her back. Dig deep and find out what you need to change and begin working on your issues. Detach, 180 and GAL. It will take time but if you are genuine in your changes, she WILL see them. She may even be angry at them at first. That's normal. Let her be angry and give her space. She will come around. When she decides to show up, listen and validate.
I have backed completely off. Yesterday was the the hardest day yet and I didn't sleep much last night. I've had several breakdowns. I guess I thought she would reach out since it was thanksgiving. Tomorrow is her birthday. I'm not sure what to do? I miss her so much right now and it's like she could care less about me. It hurts so much.
Last week she also made the comment how the worst part is behind us. Far as I know she hasn't even filed yet but I know there is no way the worst part is over if she goes forward with this. I know she's confused from her actions last week. She just won't let go and says she's too scared to try.
Well she texted... Guess I should have known it was coming. Wanted
to know if was home (she's wanting to get more of her stuff out of the house). I replied that I am but I have company and put my phone down. She blew it up wanting to know who is at her house (I owned the house in my name only before we got married). I finally replied about a hour later saying my parents. By this time she is mad and goes on how nothing has changed with me. Assumed I was at my brothers house the other night when I was home. (I posted a pic with my niece on fb). Goes on to say I need to let her know when she can get her stuff and this is my fault. I replied ok that I would let her know a day late next week or weekend and got a thank you. She's back to having anger with me...
Just let her vent and let her be angry. She's got to find her own way through this. Detach, 180 and GAL. Focus on you and your issues. Become the man that she would be a fool to leave. I think your interaction with her above is exactly what you need to be doing.
That is what I'm trying to do. I didn't even want to respond but she text 4 times in 10 minutes wanting to know who I had over. Then just gets mad and tries to bring up the past which I didn't respond to. She is just so set on getting the few things she has left out of the house. She's staying at her parents so there is no reason to move it. She also mentioned she wants to split up the wedding gifts. I just feel like she doesn't care at all and wants out for good.
Why are you trying to control her getting her things out of the house?
She can get them whenever she would like. I'm not preventing it but she doesn't want to do it when I'm home. She text late last night talking about how sad she is and can't quit crying. She went on to say that she thinks of me and the last few days have made her sick not talking but she can't be with me. She wanted to know how I felt and I just said I was too emotionally exhausted to feel anything right now and that this is what she wanted. She finally asked what I wanted and I screwed up and said to be happy together and work on our marriage. She stopped texting after that but I think she fell asleep since it was 1am. I haven't heard anything since from her.
Today is her birthday. I want to text her happy birthday but I don't know if I should??
bsb, her actions are confusing because she is confused, she may want to believe you can change but she has memories of trying to get you to change and you not doing so.
Right now it's important that you do change, not for her but for you, so you are a better person. You said a light bulb went off in your head when you read one book, well there are many more light bulbs you need to turn on.
For now, be kind and supporting to her when she reaches out, but don't reach out to her, give her space to figure herself out. When you talk to her, don't tell her how much you've learned, show her. Validate her feelings (read the homework cadet gave you), and when she's not reaching out to you use that time to look into yourself and improve things one at a time.
...
Bsb, I can't put it any better than coconut did. All of the above should be your focus. The more you can get focus off her and onto you the more balanced you will feel. You need that balance to get stronger and fix your issues.
What are you doing to fix you right now?
I'm not getting much response on here but I do feel better posting. Yesterday went from feeling ok to feeling horrible. I texted happy birthday and that was it. She tried to make a little small talk but I was busy. Late last we texted a little more then she called. I just wanted to tell her happy birthday and goodnight. She unloaded on me. Said how angry she is, doesn't love me, and just wants it over with. I just sat there and took of for 30 minutes until i started to cry from things she was saying. It was the worst feeling in the world. She hung up and 30 minutes later started texting saying sorry for being so mean. I had it at this point and just said I cant do this anymore. I'm just exhausted and it's causing severe stress. She didn't have much to text except saying sorry and wanted to know why I loved her. This morning she did the same thing and says she wishes she can let the past go and that she cares but just can't and wants to divorce. She plans to get the rest of her things this week, maybe today. I was feeling a little better till this happen and now I'm back to square one. Help!!
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka
that I totally agree with.
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Stop texting her and let her Pursue you.
Post here if you need to talk, After this weekend you should get off of moderation.
I'm not getting much response on here but I do feel better posting. Yesterday went from feeling ok to feeling horrible. I texted happy birthday and that was it. She tried to make a little small talk but I was busy. Late last we texted a little more then she called. I just wanted to tell her happy birthday and goodnight. She unloaded on me. Said how angry she is, doesn't love me, and just wants it over with. I just sat there and took of for 30 minutes until i started to cry from things she was saying. It was the worst feeling in the world. She hung up and 30 minutes later started texting saying sorry for being so mean. I had it at this point and just said I cant do this anymore. I'm just exhausted and it's causing severe stress. She didn't have much to text except saying sorry and wanted to know why I loved her. This morning she did the same thing and says she wishes she can let the past go and that she cares but just can't and wants to divorce. She plans to get the rest of her things this week, maybe today. I was feeling a little better till this happen and now I'm back to square one. Help!!
You really have to work on detaching and boundaries. Why the heck would you sit on the phone and take the abuse? Glutton for punishment? How did they phone conversation in any way help anyone?
Did you read the DB or DR books yet?
Bro, you need to rise above her hysterics and be very strong right now.
Picture a fire fighter. Now, a building is burning. There are people inside. The fire fighter runs in to try to get everyone out. OK, now there's a woman screaming and frantic, "oh my god, the place is on fire, oh my god, we're all going to die, oh, my poor pookie, he's my favorite hamster, oh, this is terrible" and she's not moving or following direction. What does the firefighter do?
I'll tell you what he doesn't do! He doesn't panic. He doesn't care about what she's screaming about. He doesn't try to reason with her. He takes action. He stays focused. What he is doing is too important to allow some hysterical person to interrupting him. So he continues his mission. He doesn't take it personally if she starts screaming at him that it's all his fault, that he started the fire. He knows that while he's only human and has made mistakes, he isn't solely responsible for this fire and he is now here to put it out.
You absolutely MUST let go of allowing her words and moods minute by minute to control your self worth, belief, attitude, and trajectory.
I hesitate to write anything else because as long as you slink around like a dejected puppy dog whimpering and looking for scraps of affection, then growling and snapping when you go without it or when she beats you, nothing good can happen.
Instead find your inner wolf, run out into the wild, join some wolf friends, and go hunt down a wild deer. Seriously.
GAL. Detach. And quit having these R talks. Have you read Sandi's rules (consolidated from DR). They aren't working.
Tell me- are they working? How are they working? You get your little fix of interaction, but it's not leading anywhere positive, and each time she gets a little more tired of it as you do, which is only helping you guys conclude it doesn't work. This isn't working. Stop it.
As for not getting much response, you've gotten some very good responses and have some strong people in your corner. Keep posting.
My main point is that you need to picture how you think a strong man should handle a whiny brat. I'm not saying there's not some underlying merit beyond her pain, but this is not a healthy way of communicating it. You mentioned communication is the key. Well, when the day comes when she wants to work on the M, great, you can go to MC and talk about it until the cows come home. As long as she's attacking and telling you it's over, create some distance, believe none of what she says and half of what she does, GAL, Detach, and let her go on her journey. When she wants to engage, DON'T TELL HER YOU NEED SPACE BECAUSE THIS HURTS YOU, JUST TAKE THE (*&^% SPACE. Actions, not words. Take the actions, stop talking R and engaging with her and explaining, just STFU and walk the walk you need to walk.
It's like feeding a begging dog at the table. Feed a dog at a table and it will be forever. Your teaching your W she can treat you this way, teaching her you'll play these stupid games where she can feel in control, important, pursued, and unanimously in charge of the R, voice her needs, have you when she wants you, not have you when she doesn't, etc, etc. Her emotions are leading her all over, and you're following along. This game is broken. Quit playing. If she wants to play a real game called MARRIAGE then you can play. But this is garbage, and you need to cut it out and set some boundaries.
Believe it or not I have much more I want to say here, but this rant is long enough. Hang in.
I know, I don't know why I did. I thought she was having second thought and she has a control over me. I love her so much and to see her pulling away is killing me. She keeps texting on how much pain this is then the next thing she's talking about how we need to meet and split everything up. She hasn't wore her rings in a month and asked for them today.
Zeus I wish I would have read your post before my last reply. I do understand what you are saying. I guess I'm scared. Idk. I'm trying to detach. She is the one that keeps contacting me and trying to talk about things. Do I just ignore her??
Yes.
She has to miss you. She has to see that she is losing you. Anything you do that shows her you are sitting around waiting on her will only prolong the situation. Go out and GAL. If you really want your W back, you need to be willing to let her go.
Well she came over this afternoon with her parents and took all her stuff. Everything that was hers. Her mom was upset and cried some. I cried. I couldn't hold it back. She gave me my key back and just walked out. No goodbye or anything. It hit me at that movement that she's leaving me. This is the same women that called me 2 hours earlier saying how sad she is and really wishes things were different. I broke down after she left and can't quit crying. I feel defeated. I don't know when she will file at this point.
Time to go as dark as possible and not worry about what she is going to do. Pursuing her is likely to lead to her filing.
This is counter intuitive.
Remember that.
Thanks cadet. I think she already plans to file from the way she acted today. She showed no emotion for the first time. A little bit of anger but no sadness. She wouldn't even look at me. I sit here in our home with a blank stare. We just moved into the place a year ago. It's amazing how life can turn upside down. She said that getting all her things is the last step in having to deal with me and now she can move on with life. She's at her parents so she doesn't have to deal with the loneliness like I do. I just don't know anymore
I have the books on the way. Hopefully they will show up this week. I haven't tried to contact her in anyway and she hasn't either. She's set to get this over asap. Reality is hitting me hard now with her completely moved out. I can't slow this down for her
Work was hard today after yesterday but I feel a little better tonight. She messaged me today about how she needs to come to the house tomorrow because she forgot a few things and a package is coming from ups. No idea what is left. Can't be anything important. I responded by saying to make a list of what she forgot and I will put it in the garage so she can get it and the package will be on the front door because I have plans tomorrow night. I think it's an excuse but I could be wrong. She said she will miss me but this is for the best. She mentioned that it is my fault she moved everything out because I asked her too and seemed mad about it but hard to tell in a text. She knows where I stand and would work on things if she would so I didn't respond. Trying to detach
She text me again late last night after I started ignoring her requests about coming over to look through the house. I just said that I've had a busy day, I have to get up early to see the dr. and goodnight. She replied she had a long day too and told me goodnight and she hopes I can sleep.
I start getting texts first thing his morning and she has been blowing my phone up all day. . Keeps wanting to come back to the house and make sure she hasn't left anything. Said if she just had keys she could do it without seeing me. It bothers her I made her give her keys back to me to the home. There isn't anything except the things in the garage and I told her I would leave you the garage door open so she can get it.
All morning she keeps talking about the joint accounts and how we need to split everything up and get this over with fast as possible. I text back that I'm not in the right state of mind to discuss financial matters right now and we need to slow down on that stuff. I did put a freeze on our savings so neither of us can pull from it. She hasn't even filed and it takes 3 months I think once you file. She replied that she just wants to speed everything up and move on fast as possible. 5 min later she asked why did we get married. I havent replied. What do I do??! Ignore all this? Or what do I say?
There is nothing you can say that is going to FIX this.
Either agree/validate or say nothing.
Of course she is in a hurry cause she thinks that is
going to solve all her problems.
Its not, but you have to let her learn that on her own.
Have you consulted with a lawyer yet?
i know. She's the type if I ignore she starts blowing the phone up and getting angry. I've tried to keep things really short. I guess I will have to start ignoring? I don't want to talk about financial things now because we don't agree which will lest to a argument. That's something the lawyers will decide in my opinion??
I have talked to my buddy that is a lawyer and he said to hang tight for now. She can't get into the house and the savings are frozen. The only thing she could get into is the joint checking and I'm keeping it low enough to just pay bills.
I'm not going to file and until she does I don't know if anything should be discussed about asset splitting.
I don't know what to say about her asking why we got married?
Consult a L so you know your options and rights. No need to take action, just good to be prepared.
Just ignore any R talk. It's an invite to fight. Sounds like she needs the drama to validate her decision. Diffuse the bomb by not engaging.
Be busy, whether real or fake, just act like you are moving forward with life and not sitting around sulking over her. GAL like crazy. This is for you, to save your sanity and get to a better place emotionally.
I agree with moving forward. I've been going to counseling and that has helped some. I don't think I'm going to respond to her question of why did we get married? She knows how I feel and she has letters I wrote a month ago that explains how much she means to me.
I keep questioning myself from the weekend She blames me for moving her stuff out since I told her Sunday that we either have to move toward together or finish getting her personal things from the house. She pushed me too far and I should have just said bye and hung up. Idk, maybe I'm overthinking. I'm sure I wil hear from her tonight about something.
I agree with her rushing this because she thinks she will move on faster. I just don't know if it will hit her before it's too late.
If she has friends and family pushing her to D you will have to find a way to get those negative voices out of her head so she can think clearly for herself. Some of her thoughts are to not disappoint them and not really her own thoughts. That would explain her confusion on what to do.
I start getting texts first thing his morning and she has been blowing my phone up all day. . Keeps wanting to come back to the house and make sure she hasn't left anything. Said if she just had keys she could do it without seeing me. It bothers her I made her give her keys back to me to the home. There isn't anything except the things in the garage and I told her I would leave you the garage door open so she can get it.
All morning she keeps talking about the joint accounts and how we need to split everything up and get this over with fast as possible. I text back that I'm not in the right state of mind to discuss financial matters right now and we need to slow down on that stuff. I did put a freeze on our savings so neither of us can pull from it. She hasn't even filed and it takes 3 months I think once you file. She replied that she just wants to speed everything up and move on fast as possible. 5 min later she asked why did we get married. I havent replied. What do I do??! Ignore all this? Or what do I say?
Reply to what you need to.
You can tell her that her things are in the garage, and if she'd like to do a last walk through on the house you can arrange a time to do that, but that you'll be there with her.
You can tell her that you are prepared to split accounts as soon as the lawyers have met to advise how to move forward. You can validate that you understand she wants this done quickly and you won't do anything to slow the legal process down.
I wouldn't reply to the marriage question.
If she blows you up about other things I would reply to what was business related.
If there are examples of things you feel warrant a reply outside of that post them here first and give it some time.
Don't TELL her you are only going to focus on business, just SHOW her by doing that. Actions speak louder than words, but that has to be the focus.
It's like talking to the police. You can't help yourself, and can only hurt yourself. Keep your mouth shut, create distance, be mysterious. She shouldn't know how you're feeling. (I wouldn't have said "I'm not up for dealing with this right now", that's too emotionally revealing, distance distance distance!)
You got this.
Thanks everyone. She quit texting about finances after I didn't respond to the why do we get married question. I got a text around dinner time about a package that showed up. She just asked me to not leave it outside and I said ok. Nothing else.
I think the stress is getting to me because I crashed and slept well for the first time in weeks.
I woke up to a missed call from her. Do I call back at this point or just let it be?? She didn't leave a message or text anything so it must not be too important. I keep waiting on her to say she filed for D....
Do I call back at this point or just let it be??
bsb,
Definitely let it be.
Yes, that is exactly what I've done. I expect her to call again soon or text. Part of me wants to answer but at the same time I don't know if it will be anything good right now. Do I just continue to ignore her completely?
From very personal experience, I did just like you. XW moved out, actually had EA, would call and text and blame me, then want to sign the D as fast as possible, then tell me if I had only done XYZ - then she would want me to come over to have sex with her. Then she would rant about some awful thing I had done a year ago. Then tell me that she loved me, and was sad so much love was going to disappear.
It went on for probably 6 months until I finally said, "Have your lawyer contact my lawyer when you file the paperwork. Here is his address and phone number." Then I went solid dark.
She texted and called probably 100 times over the next few days, sometimes pleading, sometimes furious, sometimes clearly drinking! It was probably the most willpower I've ever exercised to not respond, but I somehow didn't. I also started working out, scheduling specific fun time out with friends (even though sometimes it was gut-wrenching), joined a book club, started some house projects. Over the next four months, I was solid dark, I lost 30 pounds, got new clothes, had a hairstylist get me a nice haircut, and actually met a nice girl. XW finally found out about it from some random connection, and she couldn't take it.
She came to ME, sobbing and apologizing and scheduled marriage counseling the next week.
I don't know if that's how your story will go - but I can tell you can't go wrong with a few of the things I did along with the total dark.
Bippy78, wow!! that does sound just like my situation. It's been going on for 2 months with the back and forth. Not sure if you read my previous posts but over the weekend I lost it and said we either both start giving 100% to fix this or finish getting your personnel items out of the house. She came and got her stuff and blames me for it...
I wish I would have started all this when she first moved out. At that time, she just wanted space. I pursued and it pushed her further away. I guess I will know more if she files for D this week. It doesn't help with her living with her parents. She has a feel of security there vs. a empty home
Of course she'll blame you. XW did the same thing - you are forgetting some of the core principles of DB, starting with ignore what they say.
I read somewhere else on here where someone said when they do the attacking it's because they NEED you to be the bad guy - so you justify their choices. If you are calm, kind, considerate, work on yourself, go dark and stop chasing, then all of a sudden you make them look like the person who left and is a jerk, and they can't stand it. I can tell you for a fact that's exactly what happened with me.
Yes I have this also about the attacking. It makes perfect sense. She told me so many times she hates all of this and didn't want it to happen. She wanted to believe me that I'm working on myself but thinks it's fake....
I'm continuing to go to counseling for myself. I've realized the things I did wrong in the relationship and I'm willing to put in the time and effort. Yesterday, was the first day that I didn't hear a word from her. It's hard because we were the type to text/call each other 24/7.
Well not much change. Went to college game last night with a buddy. Wife text during the game asking about her iTunes bill changing to her old credit card. I didn't respond till after the game and said I'm not sure but your cc has always been on that account with mine. I get another text a 3:30am asking to explain and another this morning with just my name. I hate this crap!!!!
It's hard to ignore and I know from the past it makes her angry but I don't know what else to do
I also should say I'm really missing her today. I think part of it is the weekend and the holidays coming up. Idk, i think this is the worst pain a person can feel. You love someone so much and they act like they could care less to you. To see how they can just walk away. It's hard to process somedays.
bsb, I'm so sorry you're missing her today. I understand it though, and it is okay to miss her. I know it hurts too so that is the downside to it for sure. Hopefully you can find something to take your mind off of it and something to bring you a little joy today. Stay strong!
Thanks fightin, I've been following your situation too. I'm just not much help at this stuff yet! She keeps texting. Just my name, ??, and the last one is ....... I know she's getting angry or upset that I'm not responding because it's completely not like me. Normally I would respond within minutes. I feel like not responding is making things worse but I know that goes against what I'm supposed to be doing. I answered her original question last night so I'm not sure what she's trying do
From very personal experience, I did just like you. XW moved out, actually had EA, would call and text and blame me, then want to sign the D as fast as possible, then tell me if I had only done XYZ - then she would want me to come over to have sex with her. Then she would rant about some awful thing I had done a year ago. Then tell me that she loved me, and was sad so much love was going to disappear.
It went on for probably 6 months until I finally said, "Have your lawyer contact my lawyer when you file the paperwork. Here is his address and phone number." Then I went solid dark.
She texted and called probably 100 times over the next few days, sometimes pleading, sometimes furious, sometimes clearly drinking! It was probably the most willpower I've ever exercised to not respond, but I somehow didn't. I also started working out, scheduling specific fun time out with friends (even though sometimes it was gut-wrenching), joined a book club, started some house projects. Over the next four months, I was solid dark, I lost 30 pounds, got new clothes, had a hairstylist get me a nice haircut, and actually met a nice girl. XW finally found out about it from some random connection, and she couldn't take it.
She came to ME, sobbing and apologizing and scheduled marriage counseling the next week.
I don't know if that's how your story will go - but I can tell you can't go wrong with a few of the things I did along with the total dark.
This was what did it for me too. Unfortunately I had put up with two years of the mind games you described above before I had had enough. When I got my act together, made positive changes for myself, and started to really move on (had a couple of coffee dates with some very nice women), a switch flipped in my crazy midlife crisis wife and the wonderful sane woman I had been in love with for 26 years reappeared.
Spouses that go through these crazy times want what they can't have. If they can't have you then that's who they'll want.
Well my sitch has become 100% solo as my W and I haven't communicated at all since last Friday, but hey, at least I'm not getting any mixed signals!
I don't envy you at all, you must feel a bit yo-yo'd with her texting like that especially when your instinct is to want to text back. Just remember, she has to feel the loss of you completely. What she does with that is out of your control. That's what I have to keep reminding myself of.
My W isn't pursuing me because she's done with me and has moved on with someone else, so in my sitch it is just a matter of me moving on without her and focusing on my own healing. I think that makes it easier than if I were in your sitch with a W that is reaching out. You ultimately have to decide for yourself how to respond (or not respond), but she's probably feeling a loss of control with you going dark. Try not to read too much into it. Hope you have a good weekend!
I agree, I feel like a yo-yo. She's so set on getting this over quick so she says. She has called 4 times in the last 2 hours. I was at the office during the first 3 with clients and just didn't have the energy in me to answer the last one. She's not leaving messages or texting what it's about. I don't feel like it's anything good to help the situation but it does have me wondering... maybe ignoring her has her confused? I know I'm overthinking!!
Should I call her back or answer??
I would say answer. If it's a silly call, then say, "you can just leave a voice mail or send me a text". Set boundaries.
The calls stopped and I have kept busy. Went over to the neighbors to help hang a tv. Ended up telling them what's going on. Up till the last couple days I've kept everything quiet. It's amazing how sometimes talking helps. I don kind of regret no answering now but her stopping tells me it wasn't that important. I don't think I will call back at this point but if she calls again I might answer. I'm mentally exhausted and hope to see some of my buddies tomorrow night.
If anything just shoot her a text and say something like "I see that you tried calling earlier. Did you need something?"
Thanks everyone. I crashed early last night and decided not to respond to her earlier calls since it's been a few hours. I don't think they would have been good conversations. In the past she gets sad at night and that is when the calls/texts start so I figured if I woke up to something I would respond at this time. She didn't so she's either mad I didn't answer or just doesn't care.
I wish I could get past the part of missing her so much! She has been the love of my life and my best friend for 4 years. This was going to be our first Christmas married. I'm feeling really down today
I can't win for losing!! She text sayin how immature I am for not answering her calls or texts the last two days. I responded by saying sorry that I have been busy and that she didn't leave a message or text so I didn't think it was that important. I don't get her thinking. It's ok for her to ignore me but as soon as I do it for my own sanity she gets upset?? She still wants to come over and look through the house. I said I was busy this weekend and the have a good night. I guess I'm getting frustrated
That's typical. She likes you pining over her. They get angry when they lose control over you. That's actually a good thing. Let her be angry, you stay positive. Remember, pulling back brings her to you. Pursuing her reconfirms her control over you and pushes her away.
Consider your situation. She pulled away and you were drawn to pursue her, right? Flip the script. It works both ways.
I would like to think that but all she talks about is separating our things and getting this over with. She asked for a list of things I want and all I said was ok. She didn't try to pursue or ask where I'm at. (She asked again if she could come over and go through the house and I said I was out of town). Normally it would drive her crazy not knowing where I'm at but she didn't even ask. No emotions towards me except maybe frustration.
I do feel better. I spent all afternoon with a couple buddies. I'm just losing hope that she will miss me and start to think about a future together.
Hang in there bsb. Maybe we are too impatient and not giving them enough time to actually pursue us, or maybe we do need to get to a point where we don't hope for them to come back. I certainly don't have the answers, but I know that we are all worthy of love and respect and we have to remember that to get through this.
Glad you got to spend some time with friends and even better that it made you feel a bit better!
I thought she already got all her stuff. Is there anything left?
I know everyone says time is on our side but it just seems my wife is still set on moving forward as fast as she can. She made comments like the worst is over and she's moving on. It hurts to hear that from someone who said they loved you and just married you. She acts fine. A week ago she was telling me how sad and hurt she is.
There isnt anything left as far as her personal items. Just our marital assets which isn't much. She wants to come back to house to make sure. I have looked and put the few items in the garage and said she can come pick them up without seeing me. There isn't anything inside but she keeps saying she wants back in to look around. I don't really want to see her right unless she wants to work on things. The thought of her walking through that front door for the last time again gives me panic attacks. I don't want that pain right now. Is this wrong to do??
I mentioned in my last post I finally responded when she started texting again yesterday. First thing she said was I'm being immature for not answering. Yet she did it to me for months!!!! I was nice but short and to the point in my response.. She really hasn't asked any questions of what I've been up to. All business when she reaches out. I feel like that is bad?
Maybe I'm wrong and doing the wrong thing?! Thoughts??
I would imagine that the problems in the marriage didn't arise overnight, and you can't expect changes in a positive direction overnight either. You are doing well if you are keeping your responses short and brief - just vent on here.
Something someone once told me that has helped me sort of understand the WAS - imagine you are hungry, starving even... All you can think about is getting something to eat, even eating a gross fast food meal can taste like heaven.
This is often the obsession and focus that a WAS has - the "starving" desire to change, and almost nothing else is going to matter to them until they get what they want. So, wondering, hoping, thinking, trying to figure them out - all pretty much pointless.
Keep focusing on you feeling better. Keep working out, seeing friends. Those "feel better" moments will come more often and last longer.
If there is nothing of hers, she knows it. She wants to keep you on the rope with all this unnecessary contact. She is temp checking. It's a good thing. I wouldn't bite unless it's legitimate reason.
I can't win for losing!! She text sayin how immature I am for not answering her calls or texts the last two days.
I would like to think that but all she talks about is separating our things and getting this over with. She asked for a list of things I want and all I said was ok. She didn't try to pursue or ask where I'm at. (She asked again if she could come over and go through the house and I said I was out of town). Normally it would drive her crazy not knowing where I'm at but she didn't even ask. No emotions towards me except maybe frustration.
I know everyone says time is on our side but it just seems my wife is still set on moving forward as fast as she can. She made comments like the worst is over and she's moving on. It hurts to hear that from someone who said they loved you and just married you. She acts fine. A week ago she was telling me how sad and hurt she is.
She really hasn't asked any questions of what I've been up to. All business when she reaches out. I feel like that is bad?
Your WAW is on a roller coaster ride. She is on her own journey. She is throwing a massive tantrum. She is angry with you because she isn't happy and it's all your fault. She believes you are the source of her unhappiness so she wants to go where the grass is greener, but it isn't that easy because she's in pain, so even when she leaves that's your fault too.
All in all, she is a crazy person.
We say to
detach and
believe none of what they say, yet
every one of those quotes is you continuing to try to measure or evaluate whether or not your WAW is showing signs of regret, and you are doing it based on spew and emotional outlashes that you should be dismissing altogether.For the next 60-90 days your goals should involve YOU. Stop measuring her, stop obsessing about whether she seemed to be curious about why you didn't answer a phone call, STOP IT.
Instead focus on YOU. Your goals should be about not reacting emotionally to her tantrums. Not temp checking her in your mind constantly. Not responding to her bs spew. Create more distance. I'm not talking physical, I'm talking emotional. You are still way too attached if every time she sends a text it rocks your day. It's time you start to sit with the possibility that this might not work out, and start to accept that in your heart and be ok with it, because you can't control her back, and your neediness only is gasoline for her crazy fire. She's on her own journey now, you need to start yours which is about taking care of yourself and finding some peace in your life even with this loss.
Thanks everyone!!
I think I have done ok with my limited responses back to her and I haven't reached out first since I saw her a week ago. It just doesn't seem to phase her at all and might even be helping her move on... I know there's nothing else I can do at this point but to keep to myself. I have another counseling season tomorrow and I will bring all this up.
I agree 100% that I have to work a lot harder on not letting her get to me!! Her actions still cause a lot of emotions for me and she probably still knows that. I have to get better at just brushing it all off. We will see what happens next...
I really appreciate everyone on here and I continue to want any advice good or bad!
I think I have done ok with my limited responses back to her and I haven't reached out first since I saw her a week ago. It just doesn't seem to phase her at all and might even be helping her move on...
I wasn't talking about your responses. I was talking about the fact that you seem to be doing this to get a reaction from her (attachment), instead of doing it to give yourself some space without her (detachment).
It's all good. Be well.
Dude, you are spinning. You have to change your whole approach. Avoiding contact is for YOU, not for HER. You have to heal, and boy do you have some healing to do. This is nothing personal aimed at you, I just know how you feel. We've all been there. You are looking frantically for that silver bullet, that one action or word that's going to "fix" this. News flash, there is no silver bullet. And the sooner you come to terms with it, the easier it will be on you. We all have had to come to terms with it. Some were stubborn and it took them longer. Nothing wrong with it, we all have our own pace. We all thought our spouses were different and they wold just snap out of it. The vast majority of us were wrong.
And another thing, do not presume you know what she is thinking, hell you can't even trust what she is saying, and mind reading is a totally futile exercise. I know you are watching her every move and your mood swings wildly, your mind is going into overdrive. STOP! Please be aware the situation will likely deteriorate, before it gets better.
Stay strong buddy...
No hard feelings at all! I need to hear the truth sometimes!
Yes I do have a lot of healing still. I know I'm still in shock this is all happening and I still miss her so much. I cried again this morning when I woke up. My mind wonders too much and I'm trying to shut it off. I haven't said this before but I work with her father in a small business so there is no getting away from it all. We are good at work but when I see him it makes me think of her. Its terrible!!
If she files it may change my outlook. I'm just in limbo right now.
You can try hiking, it helped me heaps. You can go into the mountains or on a trail and find a nice peaceful secluded spot and you can yell and scream and get it out of your system. It does not make you any less of a man if you cried. It took me 6 months after BD to start to feel better and then another 6 months so I could say I'm pretty much OK. I am 2 years and some months post BD and I am OK mostly. I still get the occasional blue minute, but it vanishes soon. I do have to say, that the whole experience made me grow heaps and I am much happier with myself now than I was in the past (pre BD). If you asked me now if I would trade my new found self if I got my W back, I would reject the offer in a heartbit. I am a much better man, a much better father and a much better person all together because of the whole crisis thing.
You need to get out of the house, do not spent your days cooped inside with memories. Box her stuff and pictures of her and put them out of sight. Join a gym or go hiking, you have to get the demons out. Get your ass in shape, you really need to feel good bout yourself. Get some new clothes, maybe a new haircut, change the cologne and aftershave.
And most importantly, stay away from women of the opposite sex. You are nowhere near ready to date (or will be any time soon).
I made her take all the pictures and things of us when she moved out. There isn't anything of us left...
I get to work this morning and have a email that states to gather a list of assets before we were married and after from her dad! He is handling all her financial matters now since she doesn't know how. I don't know if I should or not. I still haven't received any notice of her filing??
IDK, my feeling is you owe FIL nothing. He is not your W or her L and not entitled to any information about you whatsoever. It's none of his business. Let him know in a tactful positive manner.
maybe something like:
"I appreciate your interest and concern but this is between me and W".
WOW, that's harsh. It does sound to me that there is going to be a problem at the workplace. No matter how your FIL feels about you, you do have to remember that blood is thicker than water. FIL will ALWAYS take his D's side over your, no matter how fond he was/is of you. I would look for an alternative workplace. I just cannot see this working out well for you. I mean in a normal situation you would probably politely say to your FIL to mind his own business, but you can not tell your boss the same.
I made her take all the pictures and things of us when she moved out. There isn't anything of us left...
I get to work this morning and have a email that states to gather a list of assets before we were married and after from her dad! He is handling all her financial matters now since she doesn't know how. I don't know if I should or not. I still haven't received any notice of her filing??
You don't have to provide him with squat, nor should you.
Remember, don't help the D move along over nonsense like this from FIL. If W wants to D she has to do the work to get it done and not leave it to others, like FIL. It may not even be her idea, but his. You owe him as much information about your financial business as the guy sitting next to you at McDonald's. If your W wants it she knows how to reach you.
I'm not too worried about work right now.
It's just one more thing adding up for her moving foward with everything. That is what hit me. She's not going to slow down till it's completely over. Counseling helped some this morning but I'm feeling stressed and sick to my stomach right now.
Had a long day and night. Couldn't sleep at all last night. My mind keeps wondering. Had a long talk with FIL. Things are good with him, he's trying to make her understand that she she can't try to take things from me. I do believe him. He reassured me that Thy are not for this but they are making it too easy in her. She tells them she wants the divorce but I know that's typical. Still no word if she has filed and haven't had any contact from her. Her mom says she's doing fine but I'm hearing otherwise from what her dad is telling people. Apparently she's having a really hard time but still wants to go through with it. As strange as this is, I feel bad that she is hurting and wish I could take the pain away. Is that crazy???
How do I get past the point of missing her?? I sometimes start getting angery that she's doing this after such a short time but then I just go back to being sad.
GAL activities are important for many reasons. One is to focus your attention of something other than your W and this situation. GAL like crazy, it helps a lot.
Her mom says she's doing fine but I'm hearing otherwise from what her dad is telling people. Apparently she's having a really hard time but still wants to go through with it. As strange as this is, I feel bad that she is hurting and wish I could take the pain away. Is that crazy???
Yes, but also perfectly normal. You are going through withdrawal yourself. You cannot take her pain away and I do believe her pain truly is great. I know what I am talking about, but you are a classic fixer. Look it up.
How do I get past the point of missing her?? I sometimes start getting angery that she's doing this after such a short time but then I just go back to being sad.
Time. And self care. And then more time. You have to deny yourself down time, because this is when your mind starts racing. You have to purge your body. And be kind to yourself. It is not unlike giving up smoking or drugs. You are going through psychological withdrawal. Anger is also very normal and very necessary. DO NOT DENY YOURSELF ANGER. Sometimes it helps if you take a bat to a trash can. I myself have a boxing bag that takes a punishment...
Read up on the stages of grief...
Thanks guys! I'm doing better today so far.
My counselor and I went over the issues in our marriage. Not meeting her love language and not solving arguments. We just pushed things under the rug and it kept always coming back. I was too controlling and didn't always listen. I see all of this now and I'm working on improving for myself. Just wish the wife would be around to notice. Last time we really talked about things (over 2 weeks ago) she said if I would have realized all this earlier she knows we could be happy. Just hurts so much to know I missed the opportunity by a matter of months.
She is so stubborn and set in her ways now. I just don't see her changing her mind at this point.
I need to stop looking at her fb. I keep waiting for her to take our pictures down and remove me. When we broke up one while dating that was the first thing she did. Guess it's false hope....
Unfriend her, or at least unfollow her...
Unfriend her, or at least unfollow her...
^This
I have unfollowed her. I just haven't done anything else because not many people know of our situation right now. I've changed my profile picture from our wedding photo to just of me a couple weeks ago and she did the same. I hate the social media game of all this. If she files I may change my mind on removing her...
I have unfollowed her. I just haven't done anything else because not many people know of our situation right now. I've changed my profile picture from our wedding photo to just of me a couple weeks ago and she did the same. I hate the social media game of all this. If she files I may change my mind on removing her...
Social media, especially FB, has been the ruin of many marriages. It's hard to remove or unfollow, and I have to force myself not to look at hers. However, due to our children, I haven't unfriended her because she posts things about only once in a blue moon. I still struggle with that.
One thing that helped me a lot was to just stop using Facebook all together for about 10 days. I twitched a lot at first but when I went back it was with a (slightly) better feeling of detachment.
Theoretically it adds an aura of "mystery" but TBH I don't think my W even noticed being rather deep in the fog at that time. One thing that I've learned in large part because of the pain of so very many 2X4 strikes - do what you do for YOU. You can't manipulate your spouse in any positive way - but you can screw things up by trying.
My W has stopped with social media, and she is the one who wants out. Not sure if she has been advised by lawyers or its her choosing. I know she was upset at me posting picture of our kids on social media as we did various activities. And she questioned my involvment with another girl when i just liked photos. Which nothing was going on
I see/hear this a lot from the WWs -- that if only you'd gotten "it" sooner, and started making the changes you're now making, it all would have been fine, and you'd still be happily married. This is hot garbage. It is their way of making everything your fault. Not all of it is your fault, maybe even not most of it. Some of it is, guaranteed. Your task is to figure out the things you want to change -- because they'll pop back up and ruin any future R if you don't -- and change them, with no regard for what they'll do for your current R. That's the hardest part -- not doing it "for" her but for yourself, but that distinction is key. And I say that as someone who has struggled as much as anyone to detach, mostly failing to date.
And I say that as someone who has struggled as much as anyone to detach, mostly failing to date.
I do not understand this last line of yours. Can you elaborate?
I think he meant he's failed more often than not up to this current date. I don't think he's referring to dating other people as a positive goal.
Thank you Zues, that one got me scratching my big old bald head...
I see/hear this a lot from the WWs -- that if only you'd gotten "it" sooner, and started making the changes you're now making, it all would have been fine, and you'd still be happily married. This is hot garbage. It is their way of making everything your fault.
Very well said, sir. Mine did the same thing..."if only you had done this or done that." Classic redirection away from themselves and their own guilt.
Your task is to figure out the things you want to change -- because they'll pop back up and ruin any future R if you don't -- and change them, with no regard for what they'll do for your current R. That's the hardest part -- not doing it "for" her but for yourself, but that distinction is key.
I like this. Truth in every word. If you don't get your own misgivings worked out, they dang sure will pop their head back up at any time.
And I say that as someone who has struggled as much as anyone to detach, mostly failing to date.
Raises hand...
I get an email about splitting up some assets and her wanting off our joint phone plan. She also wants half of the wedding gifts! I have a hard time with this as she's the one that wants out of this.
She's still moving forward as fast as she can. I sent a short response that I will check on the phone plan and look at the assets. Not sure if I should have done this now?? It's helping her move forward?
Feeling lost again today.... I know there's nothing I can do.
Consult a lawyer. Do not get railroaded. In all probability, everything that was acquired during marriage will be divided 50:50.
Not true that there is nothing you can do. You can start looking after yourself, that is what you can do...
And I say that as someone who has struggled as much as anyone to detach, mostly failing to date.
I do not understand this last line of yours. Can you elaborate?[/quote]
Sorry, poor dangling "to date" there at the end of the sentence. What I meant was I've failed mostly in my own attempts to detach so far (and I've been at it almost 2 years), so I'm not judging him in any way or trying to pass myself off as a BDing savant. I'm actually pretty poor at it. I felt like my post could come across as preachy if I didn't acknowledge that I struggle every bit as much as everyone else.
I get an email about splitting up some assets and her wanting off our joint phone plan. She also wants half of the wedding gifts! I have a hard time with this as she's the one that wants out of this.
Unfortunately, she will get half of it. Marital property, you know.
Who pays the phone? Whose name was the original plan under before the marriage? If you were the original holder, then tell her if she wants then feel free. If she were the original holder, then you'd have to get your own plan.
Sorry, brother. Going through that was very tough on me.
Sorry, poor dangling "to date" there at the end of the sentence. What I meant was I've failed mostly in my own attempts to detach so far (and I've been at it almost 2 years), so I'm not judging him in any way or trying to pass myself off as a BDing savant. I'm actually pretty poor at it. I felt like my post could come across as preachy if I didn't acknowledge that I struggle every bit as much as everyone else.
Haha. I'm right there with you. What works for one rarely works for another on here. But what's great about this place is that one gets so many different perspectives. I still struggle in some form.
You should tell W that all the marriage gifts should be returned to the givers since you were only married a month or 2 before she ended it. That is the honorable thing to do.
Long day...
I got angry. I'm angry about what she wants. We have only been married 6 months and she wants way too much. We had some agreements when we lived together when we bought Furniture and stuff and now she wants it all.
How can someone who loveed me now want to destroy me?? I'm hurt and stressed out. Part of me wants to just give up because I'm seeing the true person she really is and the other part is telling me she's not herself right now.
I don't see her ever changing how she feels at this point....
I need some the boost me because I'm losing hope
How can someone who loveed me now want to destroy me?? I'm hurt and stressed out. Part of me wants to just give up because I'm seeing the true person she really is and the other part is telling me she's not herself right now.
That is a question that every single one of us have asked on here. Guaranteed. Given that you weren't married that long, maybe her true colors are starting to show through. In my case, my ex hid hers for almost 10 years. I'm not going into all my details and hijack your thread as it's all in mine, but she left out a huge thing from her past.
I'm not sure what makes some hide their stuff from us. In some ways, its really sad knowing that they don't think enough or are too scared or whatever...
I don't see her ever changing how she feels at this point....
She may or may not. The unfortunate thing is that there isn't anything we can do about our SOs. Nothing. And that is a very hard pill to swallow. In some aspect, we are supposed to carry on as if they suddenly disappeared.
Carrying on is the hard part some days!! That void of not having my best friend to talk to. Going to bed and waking up alone. Is still find myself reaching on her side of the bed to cuddle and then realizing she's not there...
We haven't talked or text in over a week. She's all business. Just the one email yeasterday about splitting up the phones and gifts. I gave her a direct answer on how she can handle the phone and told her that I want to get through the bigger issues (bank accounts) before we worry about small issues like wedding gifts. I did talk to my attorney and he said just to wait till she files. I've done everything that I can up to this point by freezing the joint savings and joint credit cards. I asked her to take her name off since they were mine before we married. We will see. I guess I'm hoping that agreeing with some of this will make her think a little... long shot I know
Going to try to do a little duck hunting this weekend now that winter has arrived. I'm having good days then bad days. Guess that will happen for a long time. Spent 4 years with her and now she acts like I'm dead to her. Part of me wants to call or text but I think that will be a setback....?
Carrying on is the hard part some days!! That void of not having my best friend to talk to. Going to bed and waking up alone. Is still find myself reaching on her side of the bed to cuddle and then realizing she's not there...
They say it takes time for things like that to fade. Maybe they are right, all I know is that I know every single nook and cranny and all in between in my ceiling.
We haven't talked or text in over a week. She's all business. Just the one email yeasterday about splitting up the phones and gifts. I gave her a direct answer on how she can handle the phone and told her that I want to get through the bigger issues (bank accounts) before we worry about small issues like wedding gifts. I did talk to my attorney and he said just to wait till she files. I've done everything that I can up to this point by freezing the joint savings and joint credit cards. I asked her to take her name off since they were mine before we married. We will see. I guess I'm hoping that agreeing with some of this will make her think a little... long shot I know
I have to talk with mine every day, but its only about the kids - when she wants to Skype with them. Otherwise, we don't talk. Asking her to take her name off was a good idea - but maybe as your lawyer said, wait until she files. I like the idea of freezing the account. Mine had a little used account that she didn't remember me being part of and she moved money into that. Busted.
Going to try to do a little duck hunting this weekend now that winter has arrived. I'm having good days then bad days. Guess that will happen for a long time. Spent 4 years with her and now she acts like I'm dead to her. Part of me wants to call or text but I think that will be a setback....?
Hope they are flying for you! Its been years since I did any duck hunting. Unfortunately, they all act like we are dead to them. Know something? Part of me also wants to call or text mine. But don't do it. You do it because you miss her and hope it will spark something...some say that it will spark resentment. That may be. But what good would it do?
Hey bsb,
Yes, its hard not having your best friend there anymore to talk to when something good or bad happens. I cuddle up with my dog now...hahahah...he is a good snuggler. You will continue to have good days and bad days but it gets fewer and farther in between in time....it stinks but it does get easier...hope you have fun duck hunting! My nephews and BIL all go duck hunting this time of year as well.
I wouldn't text her, I know you miss her but what if she doesn't respond? Then you will be mad at yourself....just my 2 cents...
I ended up not texting her. Just had a close moment of weakness!! I was really busy with work today so that helped. I will just wait for her to respond to my follow up email on separating the final accounts. I've already told her I'm not going to file or help with the divorce. If she wants it, she can do the work. Each day I'm getting a little more angry and a little less sad. I know this will reverse several times if she continues to go through with it. This has been the longest we have not talked over the last 4 years. Only a week and half but this is from someone that called several times a day and text nonstop.
Im not sure if the hardest part is over or just starting for me....
Yay, glad you stood strong! Being busy helps for sure. I keep thinking I'm on my way to feeling really good about the D and then I have a night like tonight where I just cry and cry. These are hard times, bsb, and I think we're in for much more ups and downs to come.
I can relate on the texting and such, it really is hard to lose not only your spouse, but your best friend and comfort. I'm currently sleeping in a twin bed (horribly uncomfortable too) and surround myself with pillows so the bed doesn't feel so empty. I also have an app on my phone that offers all sorts of sounds to choose from and that helps me avoid the silence and helps me sleep.
Good for you for making her file though. Keep staying strong, but remember it is okay to let your emotions come and go as they please as long as you don't act on them in regards to your W. Feel them, accept them as part of the process. I hate it, but I can't seem to stop them when sadness hits so I just roll with it.