I am reposting this here because I am not getting any response at the MLC section. I hope I will get some replies here...
Firstly, I am not good at telling stories. Excuse me if I jump all over the place. Secondly, English is not my mother tongue, I am sure you will know what I mean, but I can be saying some funny phases. Any who, this is my story.
I neglected my husband for a year. I have to say parenthood had taken a toll on both of us because we both grew up in broken families. We jumped into it not knowing what to expect and with no help. I was deaf to his complaints, he mentioned he was depressed but I just assumed he will get over it. At the time my very unsettled son was my one and only priority. I was unhappy too. He was helpful around the house and supporting me but my son was not getting easier and he was almost one. I decided to go visit my dad and my stepmom for 2 weeks so I could relax a bit and be with family. Meanwhile, the pipes at home had busted. I said to him I am not going back with a baby if there's no water supply. So 2 weeks became 1 month. And I was really mean about it. When we got back, he became a different man. Mistake # 1, leaving when R is fragile
He at first was critical and withdrawn. He cheated once 7 years ago, so I started checking his iPad and found some inappropriate photos and sites straight away. He told me everything when I confronted him. He was seeing an escort. He was angry because he was ashamed of it. We agreed to try to work things out so I went from not paying attention to him to pursuing too hard. It was not working. He finally told me he loves me and not in love with me. He wanted to live as friends and raise our son together. Until one day it was too much for me I asked him to leave because he said he wanted me to get over him. 2nd mistake, kicking him out when things are uncertain.
I didn't read DR till 2 weeks ago. But prior to that I made a promise to myself to love him unconditionally for 90 days. I said to him I still love him and want to use this energy positively. Since then I got better and better in being around him without acting desperate. I am following some techniques I read in "my husband doesn't love me and is texting someone else". I acknowledge his feelings, praise him on his look and if he does anything encouraging, not doing "more of the same" when disagreeing. We definitely gets on a lot better now, and he confessed to me he's having a mid life crisis.
So here is where I feel stuck. He told me more than once there's no other woman at the start of our separation. I believe him. But I do believe there is one now. He would lied if he needs to do activities with her. He comes 4 or 5 times a week to see our 17 months old. When he can't make it, he would text saying he has a work meeting or he's hangover. I know he lied because we have a joint bank account. Every time he doesn't come, he's spending money in a nice restaurant, or a cinema, or a shopping mall. I know I should stop prying. I can't help it. But I never tell him I know. He went on a holiday 2 months after separating, spend half of his savings, drinking and partying every chance he got. I was very controlling before, now I know I need to stay out of it. Another 2 weeks, my 90 days will be up. He is getting more and more comfortable hanging around me, telling me aoubt work and his new iPhone purchase. Asking me to help sort out Christmas with his family. Taking out the rubbish when he's around. But, continue to poach me to sell the apartment and keeping his dates with OW. I am thinking about the last resort but don't know if it's the way to go. I texted him almost everyday about something positive. Either it's his look that day, or how good he's doing at work, or how good he's with our son. I think he appreciate it mostly. But he has a date before meeting us, then he acts colder towards me. I also make a point in hugging him when he leaves, he said he's hugging me as a friend. I also buy him small things like the cake he likes, put a Pepsi in the fridge when he visits. He would take these gifts. Sometimes happily, sometimes deep in throught. I think he's going back and forth in how he feels about my changes. And I know I am still "pursuing", only that I am not a mess anymore and has started a new job.
There has been some arguments such as the times he took our car key with him, and yelling at me because I was "making things difficult" because he needed to return it when he's at work. I refuse to join in the fights anymore. I would calmly tell him afterwards that I don't appreciate his behaviour because how he affects my day. Being assertive is crucial to my plan because I don't want to bring up my resentment towards him. I am doing well except that I don't know if he will realise he's missing out on his son's childhood. I feel bad for the little one only having me to rely on. He protested strongly lately when H trying to leave after a visit. I fear more of the future of him having to travel between two homes.
Updates after original post: started to pull away from H after he asked me not to text him. He also asked me not to get him any birthday present. And the. I saw him showing off a early birthday present on Instagram. He also stated that he's moving from his friend's couch to a rented room.
I stoped texting and giving him update about our son for a week. Except yesterday, when I came home from work and found that he cleaned the whole apartment for me. I also started asking him not to come on certain days so I can do my own things. I am being vague when he ask questions about me. It seems to bother him when I came home from work wearing an oversized jumper I borrowed from a colleague. I am secretly happy about it. I wish I know where he's at in his MLC journey. There's definitely anger coz he yelled when I make the most innocent mistake. He's quick to apologise tho. I found myself wanting to be away from him more. Because sometimes I don't really want to act as if all the time. I am mostly happy and upbeat when he's home, but I need sometime to sulk too. I am just as depressed. I admit I sometimes think it will be easier if I die of an accident and don't need to wake up to this everyday. That being said, I am never up for suicide. I hope I will never get that sad. I am keeping busy, seeing people, go out with my son everyday, and seeing a psychologist. I need more time and more ideas on how to look after myself and stop thinking about him.
Anyway, do give me some pointers my fellow DBers. I take the comfort in knowing there are many on the same journey, and I hope that our idiot halves will all come to their senses and face their demons rather than running away! Thank you for reading.
Welcome to the board
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm and Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htmYou may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH. Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...224#Post2578224Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
Maybe, sorry you're in this spot. Glad you moved to Newcomers. One good way to get replies is to read and post on others' threads as well. And we can all use support.
Can you go under your profile and add some of the highlights, like ages of you and WAH, years together and married, as well as the date of the bomb drop?
Also, curious about marriage history. Did this come totally out of the blue? What where the complaints of WAH that you said you neglected during the M?
Hang in. Get a copy of DR and read it asap. Also, don't cling to time lines like 90 days. I know you do this because you feel you can't endure this pain forever. You won't have to. But you have to do what you believe is right, even if it doesn't feel good today. If you can't do it, how can you expect him to? Keep standing and slow way down. You have the gift of time, and we're all standing behind you while you use it.
Thanks Zues126 for your reply. I feel very lost at the moment. Perhaps it is the fact that S is so young, I can't imagine not knowing what the verdict is until S is 3 years old! Those are the best years we can have of our kids, I am mad at H and I think I have used this anger and frustration towards our S when he's misbehaving. I am disappointed at myself too...
He said he was depressed not long after S was born, because S woke 6,7 times a night, and I couldn't handle it. He still wakes BTW, I just got used to it... and he was taking on a lot of the housework because I wasn't doing well. He said multiple occasions that S is here now and he loves him, but if he knew how it's like he wouldn't have any kids. It's male postnatal depression, but I got my own issues to deal with at the time. The only difference is I admit it and try to find help. He dealt with it with excessive porn watching. And when we left for holiday, which he refused to come with, he got to turn his fantasy into reality by seeing an escort. Then it's the turning point from that. I guess it's the guilt of him crossing that line.
We lived together for 8 years, I inisisted on getting married before having children. We had a great elopement because he didn't want any family there. I didn't mind, I was just happy to marry him. He told me after he enjoyed our wedding day. And he was the one who proposed when we were traveling in Japan, suggested having children. Now all of the sudden, he had never really loved me, I pushed him into the R and later the M. There was little good time being with me. And so on and so on.
I know that I need to let him do his things. But it's hard to keep cool while seeing him regularly. He never knows his dad, so he makes an effort to see his son. Which it is good and bad for me. It's hard to detach because I was so dependent on him for so long. I am learning fast to be alone and somewhat okay. But if I stop, he is the background noise that is always there...
How to pull back when he is around so often?
Anyway, thanks for asking, good excuse for me to get this out:)
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka
that I totally agree with.
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Thanks Cadet. I did find him using my iPad. Lucky I did delete my browsing history
Okay, everyone's stories here are more or less alike. Mine is a little bit more confusing. For one, H is still young but is in MLC. He fears death, aging, and not happy with himself after our S is born. There is some abandonment here I suspect because he does not know his dad. Apparently dad exercised domestic violence. As for my mother in law, in my ten years knowing her, I am not confident she was being a good enough mum for him either. But I am not here to bad mouth his family. My side of family is not exactly all happy and rosey.
Then, here is the thing that is rather "unique" for my situation. H saw a transsexual escort. I found out after he was being cold and critical. He was ashamed of it. I think him knowing that I know his deepest darkest secret makes it even harder for him to want to "work on the R". Anywho, that was 4 months ago now.
I have changed, and I am good at faking being upbeat and strong in front of him. He starts to hang around the kitchen to talk to me when he's here for our S. He is somewhat annoy about the fact that I am seeing someone. He opens up to me saying that he is still miserable. I am glad that I didn't jump in to try to rescue him. He said he misses our S a lot and want to see more of him. I invite him to go to the aquarium with us on the Sunday. And I said you have to decide if you really want to come coz otherwise I will go with another mum. He said better not count him in coz he does not want to cancel on me. Then I said it's all about choices. I said you CAN see him more if you really want to, but we won't go out our way to suit you. I offered that he can spend the night at home with him while I stay with a friend. He straight away yelled you are not having a boyfriend already?! I am not seeing anyone. Ironically, he is. Judging by the diinner bills and jazz bar outings. Why does he still deny? I start to think that maybe he is not seeing OW. He could be seeing OP but sex is unidentifiable. He probably deny this to himself too. I mean I am very open minded, but I do have difficulty dealing with this on top of everything.
So, being the person I am, I research a lot about straight man seeing trans. (That's how I found DR BTW). It's more common than one would thinks because of all the trans porn out there. I know he is attracted to the femininity, and no guys will admit it, but they are all secretly somewhat attracted to dicks. I have never text or receive texts from my female friends a funny dick joke or pic. But guys, I know there are some on your phones. So a sexy hot babe with dick is his fetish. I found myself being very understanding of it. But fetish aside, cheating is cheating. Be that a man, a woman or a tran.
Anyway, I can be imaging this. I have no proof. And I don't plan on asking him any question. He was a great loving man for 10 years. I am glad I had him for my son's first year coz I couldn't do it without him. I had decided to be supportive for as long as I can, open to reconciliation because I still love him, but also open to life without him coz I know I am a better person. I deserve a good man that wants to be with me. So is my son.
I welcome all comments.
Yes, your situation definitely has a bit of a twist to it that adds to its complexity. I don't have any answers for you regarding that, but I commend you for being open minded about it and maybe one day you will be able to openly discuss it with your H whether or not as your H or a friend.
You're way ahead of me if you're good at being upbeat. I have yet to conquer that and instead my W thinks I hate her because I am distant and try to be indifferent to her compliments.
Sounds like he is so very confused and trying to figure this part of himself out. For that he will definitely need space and time and patience. He may very well be questioning his sexuality and/or masculinity. When he's ready to talk to you about it, he will, and your open mindedness will be a huge relief to him.
Other than that I can just offer my sympathy and support. Keep posting, keep reading, and keep being strong!
Wow...
Actually what surprises me the most about your post is your level headedness, and the very healthy way you seem to be accepting his infidelity.
Your open to reconciliation but certainly not waiting around. And you seem to be doing great naturally with setting up boundaries for you and your son
You have a good handle on this and I hope you keep posting. The journaling can be very helpful.
I remember a poster from maybe a year ago, whose wife had cheated on him with another woman that I believe they had allowed to live in their home. I don't remember his name, but i would imagine a situation involving a spouse exhibiting confusion over sexual preference requires a different level of expertise.
I'm glad your focus seems to be on coparenting. Wonder if he would agree to family counseling with the emphasis on parenting.
Lots of luck!
Honestly, I don't think the sex of the op makes any difference in a mlc. Many in MLC do and act in ways that are completely out of character or moral norms for them. New fetishes. New toys. New partners. New everything. Don't think or worry so much about whether he's with a dude, chick, or a chick with a di....u get the point. Worry only about how you are going to proceed.
Thanks j20a00g. Nevertheless R or sex with a trans is a big can of worms...
H was here today, asking me all sort of questions about what we did and who we saw. I try not to say too much, but I was being too honest because I had a long day at work. He leaned over to play with S when I was holding him. If anyone looked in the window we would of looked so normal as a family. Then he got a message and I said, maybe you should go now... He left when we started dinner. Again seem like he didn't want to go.
30 mins later he called, saying that he might come back tonight to borrow our oven for his art project. I said it's all right if it's before 8. He straight away went from nice to swearing off his head. He did not like my "rule". He said to give a yes or no answer so I said no. We hang up, he texted "thanks for nothing". Surprisingly I didn't get angry and took the bait to keep arguing.
I think he's a long way from getting through the tunnel. But I will pay my own back for doing a good job detaching. I would love to give him a hug and tell him everything will be fine. But I know it will work the opposite way. I thank DR for teaching me to be solution oriented!!
Who is it a big can of worms to? Him or you?
Certainly you are not the first person to witness this.
I think Bruce Jenner and some others tbh.
Detachment is the most important step in this process,
as it is easy to see that you did not cause this
nor can you fix it.
What outcome do you want is the real question?
Thanks Cadet. I agree but am not prepared to think of the outcome. I am scared of hoping. Yet I am devastated to just accept it as it is.
He had our son today coz I was at work. They obviously had a good day but it somehow upset me a bit. I think I feel better when he's not doing well. Even when he's yelling and being unreasonable, I know what to do. But when he's happy and announcing he wants to leave asap, I feel like maybe this is just what he wanted all along: a single life full of excitement and a full time mum of his child who is supportive of him not taking his fatherly responsibilities.
And jag2000, this big can of worms I guess it's mostly to him. Unlike me, when there's a problem, he looks elsewhere hoping the problem will resolve itself. Isn't that how all MLC come about?
I do still want him back. Sometimes when we are talking and laughing, I feel like I am watching an old video of us in our previous life. He was right there, but somehow he's gone. The alien had aducted him. I hope they will return him, even broken. I want my family back. And I want to love him "the right way" this time. I need to re-read DR...
I am more concerned about the escort part.
An escort or sex worker is not an A partner but a sex partner. They get paid after being booked for sex as a business transaction.
The infection risk and HIV might be very high. Please take extra care if your WH is fishing in these waters.
Just saying.
V
Am not doing too well for the past few days. Had a feeling that H may not be coming over tonight, so took the initiative to make plans with my S, and called him to pretend we got an invite for an outing. He said, so you don't want me to come over? I said, no, I would love you to see S, but if it's just me and him at home tonight, then we would love to go out. He said, then go do that then. All in all, I am glad I don't wait for him to come anymore, and I didn't give him a chance for blaming me for not seeing S.
I was wondering why I am having a hard time to stay positive. Now I realised it's been exactly 3 months since he moved out. I have officially moved out of crisis mode and enter limbo land. I am also settling into my new job, I need something else to keep me going. I found an pole dancing class that is close to me. I was looking for salsa dancing, but this is better location and fits better into my schedule with a toddler. I think I should go for it. I have always been curious anyway. Better not wait till my son is 18 to start pool dancing I figure...
Still struggle to find support as I don't have family and close friends where I live. Sometimes I just want to vent. I find myself keeping falling back into the "fear" trap, and keep thinking about what he's doing, thinking. I know I need to focus on me, but the brain is not talking to the heart. I was laying on the bed waiting for my S to fall asleep, outside a car drove pass and the light went across the bedroom ceiling. I used to like that because on the odd nights he was not home, that could be his car. I know it is not him, and will not be for a long time. I cried silently trying not to wait my son. Maybe this is a good sign as I am finally starting to mourn my loss?
How do I convince my heart that I will be okay, and my son will be okay? Acting as if it's very very tiring...
Thanks V, he went to the doc for a check up after BD. Then he moved out. It's not like we will be intimate anytime soon. I suspect he's seeing the same escort because he's hanging around the same suburb as per bank records where the escort did business. And this person had stopped advertising after H moved out. H also had moved out of his friend's place, and being touchy on the subject. So yeah, I thought things can not be any worse than it was, but this can be the new low. Sad thing is I still miss him, dreamed about him kissing me. I am a bit angry at myself for that. But I need to accept my own feelings I guess.
H was home today and was happy. Moved his computer to his new place. Did ask me about my dinner plan again, I asked him why ask, he said just want to know. Then said you can see anyone you like as long as you are safe. Don't know how to read this. I should stop checking his bank records. But sometimes the records help me stop being too hopeful too quickly.
I don't know I am allowed to have a new thread along with my 2 others, but none are getting many comments and I'd like some advices asap...
So I have cut right down on pursuing. No messages on the days he doesn't visit, intentionally make plans so he visits less. He got annoyed and said, if you want to go out, why can't you just leave S with me. So I organised a dinner to do just that. He didn't want to be alone with S, took him to his mum. Texted a few times while I was at dinner, which I took time to reply. He texted, you must of having a good time coz you don't bother to reply. That would of been my text to him 3 months ago.
The only thing is I am not good at dealing with his questions. He asked repeatively was I going on a date. He said he doesn't care who I am seeing just want to know. Also said he wasn't dating and he would let me know if he is. I said no it's just a friend but he obviously doesn't believe it. Because I took time to dress up I guess. He was very argumentative after I returned, and when I pointed that out he said I am "shitting" him. I deep down wanted to laugh When I heard that.
Although I had stated that I don't want to share my plans because we aren't sharing. I feel like I am not handling it well enough. I asked him politely to leave multiple times, but he was staying till 9:30. But just grumpily playing with his phone on the couch. I will keep on GAL, but what to do when he's asking questions again? Still being vague? It doesn't seem to work coz he really persists on asking. And when I said I don't want to share, he got annoyed. Is this a good thing?
I don't know I am allowed to have a new thread along with my 2 others, but none are getting many comments and I'd like some advices asap...
To answer you question - it is best to keep one thread until 100 posts.
also
How to get more people to POST on my thread?
To get more replies my suggestion is to ask questions.
Put you post down in a readable fashion. (not one big block of type- ie hit carriage return frequently).
KISS = Keep it simple stupid
Post on other peoples threads and give them support.
You may not think you are qualified but you will be surprised that you may know something
or have some knowledge of something that others know nothing about.
Personally thank each poster that does post on your thread or ask them a follow up question.
Keep posting! - (Most important part)
Starting new threads does not get more posts on your thread.
It is actually counter productive because people need to find all your threads to figure what is going on.
I hve merged your newcomers threads together
Maybe - I find that for me that I get (sometimes too much) attention to my own thread by "visiting the neighbours". Even just a quick drive-by like this one and saying "I feel your pain", "You're doing great!" will generate some interest.
Remember - this is a community and if you get out and about your neighbours will start to take an interest in you.
I will confess that I'm not very familiar with your situation but you seem to be doing your best in a very trying circumstance. There has been some writing and discussion on other threads about "quarter-life-crisis" which can happen as people go through different life stages. I'm not enough of a pro to really comment on that especially since the scientific community isn't a big believer in MLC itself.
In my brief browsing of your thread I haven't noticed too much that you are doing on "your side of the street". You've mentioned some issues that you feel you have had but not too much about what you are doing to become a better person - the person "only a fool would leave". Having your H still coming in an out of your place does make detaching and working on yourself tough - I know this well.
Good luck!
Sometimes I think we lose sight of good enough. Improving you is of course the most important thing.
None of this is your fault or responsibility, the tran escort is left of field and confusing. Well I could be confused in your shoes, my xH2 wanted to explore these options in his world, two years after we D, he decided he wanted 'his' M back and his ex.
Meh!
Nothing surprises me.
Truly it was never a crisis or my issue. It just was an option. H2 was a gentleman and the D was amicable and fair. A fizzler that fizzled out.
This isn't easy as a sitch.
Detach, go GAL and let go of the outcome.
Hugs
V
Ok. I'm still confused as to what you are hoping for. If it's just to vent and get stuff off of your chest then carry on. If it's to work a plan then nowhere on the plan is snooping productive. You have to work on detaching or you will go crazy. You know a lot about the escort, your H moves, what he's up to. Not seeing a lot about what you are doing for you.
I don't know I am allowed to have a new thread along with my 2 others, but none are getting many comments and I'd like some advices asap...
So I have cut right down on pursuing. No messages on the days he doesn't visit, intentionally make plans so he visits less. He got annoyed and said, if you want to go out, why can't you just leave S with me. So I organised a dinner to do just that. He didn't want to be alone with S, took him to his mum. Texted a few times while I was at dinner, which I took time to reply. He texted, you must of having a good time coz you don't bother to reply. That would of been my text to him 3 months ago.
The only thing is I am not good at dealing with his questions. He asked repeatively was I going on a date. He said he doesn't care who I am seeing just want to know. Also said he wasn't dating and he would let me know if he is. I said no it's just a friend but he obviously doesn't believe it. Because I took time to dress up I guess. He was very argumentative after I returned, and when I pointed that out he said I am "shitting" him. I deep down wanted to laugh When I heard that.
Although I had stated that I don't want to share my plans because we aren't sharing. I feel like I am not handling it well enough. I asked him politely to leave multiple times, but he was staying till 9:30. But just grumpily playing with his phone on the couch. I will keep on GAL, but what to do when he's asking questions again? Still being vague? It doesn't seem to work coz he really persists on asking. And when I said I don't want to share, he got annoyed. Is this a good thing?
You're doing well Maybe. One thing I am a believing in is "showing" not "telling". The whole actions speak louder than words.
For example, instead of telling him you aren't sharing anymore, simply don't share.
His reactions and emotions aren't a good measuring stick. They are haywire right now, some of which are just reflections of his pain, some are reactions to long time resentment that has nothing to do with today, some are manipulation attempts, and some might be because of the bad pasta he ate the other day. Who knows. You simply cannot watch his behavior or listen to his words right now, no weight can be given to this, it will drive you NUTS!
Instead you truly have to believe none of what you hear and half of what you see, detach, and measure your progress on your own behavior and emotional forward movement.
Keep posting.
Thanks Andrew and Jag2000. I agree that I am not doing well detaching. I found myself not looking into his eyes when we talked because I think I might give myself away if I do. How do you detach when you see S every other day? Please do share your ideas?
And yes, my GAL is perhaps all smoke and not much inside me had changed.... I feel very sad and frustrated at how much I want to change and how much I am not changing. I got a new job. Before BD I was a full time mum. I befriended another mum whom I meet 2 or 3 times a week for activities. I joined a yoga club but had to stop after starting my new job. I meet with people to do language exchange (I am learning Japanese) whenever I can). I see a psychologist once a fortnight but she's not solution oriented. I keep seeing her because she's more affordable. But I don't have family or other friends. I feel very lonely and sorry for myself. I need goals.
New goals:
1. start exercising again at least twice a week
2. Reconnecting with old friends
3. Make more plans for me and my son.
I am not reading a lot of other people's thread because I can only browse on my phone after my son falls asleep. He's sick a lot being his first year in kinder. It's also hard to GAL with a toddler. And I can hardly think sometimes...
Thanks Vanilla, I am obviously not able to let go of the outcome yet. I know all the logical things I should be doing. But my heart is really listening to my brain!
Thanks Zues, I do talk too much when he's around. I am trying to be friendly. But really nothing I tried is working obviously. After the jeolousy act last night, he canceled his visit today, which is very disheartening for me. I obviously wanted him to start turning around after making him think that he is really losing me. And yes, I am doing this all wrong coz I am still not doing things for me. I am doing things hoping I will like his reaction. I have a long way to go...
After reading your comments, I decided to negotiate with H for him to come over less. I texted, no reply. I called later that night coz I got sick and decided to take a sick day from work. S has pink eye, can't go to kinder, original plan was for him to take a carer'S leave day to look after son. So I ringed to let him know I would be home so he did not have to come. He reacted badly, accused me of lying and keep stopping him to see S. I told him I didn't call to fight, and would talk when we are calmer. 30 mins later, We managed to have a productive conversation about his misunderstanding, he apologised.
Today he came to take S out for a few hours. I decided to focus on the positive and thanked him for being able to listen even when he was upset with me. He started to show concern for my sickness, made a doctor appointment, drove me there, and gave me money to pay for the doctor. Wow... haven't had that treatment for 4 months! I also thank him for keep paying the mortgage. He said, I put you in this situation, i need to take some responsibility even if hits me financially. Not saying it's sign that we are out of the wood, but I am glad to know that caring person I know it's still there somewhere, and I was allowed a look in today. I must of been doing something right?
Still having trouble detaching. I care about him a lot. Guess just need to not let his action affect me so much? I am not doing anything else until I read DR again.
I'm sorry for all of this for you. I know detaching is hard as I'm going through it also at the moment. It drives us crazy and they seem fine. I guess that is part of it. I'm going to try to have a better weekend so I hope you do to.
You're a very loving partner and I appreciate you doing your best to stand for your marriage.
I like your idea of rereading DR.
Today he came to take S out for a few hours. I decided to focus on the positive and thanked him for being able to listen even when he was upset with me. He started to show concern for my sickness, made a doctor appointment, drove me there, and gave me money to pay for the doctor. Wow... haven't had that treatment for 4 months! I also thank him for keep paying the mortgage. He said, I put you in this situation, i need to take some responsibility even if hits me financially. Not saying it's sign that we are out of the wood, but I am glad to know that caring person I know it's still there somewhere, and I was allowed a look in today. I must of been doing something right?
The main point of my last post was that tying your emotions to his behavior, then trying to influence his behavior with your behavior, this is a good way to go insane.
How can I get him to _____? I can't believe that when I did ____ he did ______! Maybe if I ______ he'll ______... AND SO ON.
This doesn't work for so many reasons. First of all, it is controlling behavior, and it will feel controlling to him. When a man feels controlled, like he is a puppet being tugged on, his reaction is to try to create MORE DISTANCE so he is outside of your influence. Secondly, you become more and more attached to his behavior. What he does creates more and more impact on your emotional frame of mind. And finally, it doesn't work, and you will just be beating your head against a wall again and again, wondering why you can't find a way to act that will give you the outcome you want.
Have you heard of Allanon? It is a group designed to help the spouses and family of alcoholics, because many of these individuals destroy their lives by contorting themselves around their loved one's drinking. Trying to nag them to quit. Reward them to quit. Hiding bottles. Shaming. Punishing. Guilting. Etc. In the end, they must learn to let this person go. They may drink forever. They may not. But whatever that person does, they have to be the one to do it, and the best thing they can do is drop the rope.
Still having trouble detaching. I care about him a lot. Guess just need to not let his action affect me so much? I am not doing anything else until I read DR again.
As for loving, I posted this the other day:
The problem is that newcomers saying "I love my WAS so much I will do anything to save my M", are really saying "I need my WAS so please show me how to control their behavior so I get what I want when I want it!"
Selfish.
Controlling.
Diminishing pain and feelings of WAS.
Impatient.
Unappreciative.
I could go on.
Fighting to save the M is a noble spin on some really unattractive and destructive emotions and behaviors.
This site is about fighting to save the marriage by letting go of those behaviors and becoming a partner that someone would CHOSE to be with, not finding a way to manipulate someone back into a dysfunctional relationship with a puppet master.
Those are all human emotions, no shame in feeling them. Hopefully it helps to see the two roads so you can choose day by day which you want to travel.The right answer is to really detach.
Someone got mad, said there is a lot of talk about detaching, but not much on how to do that. Well, I've already written a lot here so I won't make a separate thread about how to detach, but I think there should be a sticky with tips on how. But sometimes the easiest way to define the 'DOs' is to identify the 'DON'Ts'. Hopefully my post here has helped you see what doesn't work and why.
What are the times when you feel most attached to his behavior? What are the thoughts you have the start with "I need him to" or "I want him to" or "I hope he", etc? For me, I'd start by examining those situations. This usually comes from the idea that things will only be "OK" if he does what you want, and that if he doesn't that things will be "Not OK". When you feel that your life will be happy or wrecked forever depending on what he chooses, of course you'll be attached! Which is why detaching truly means learning to accept the loss of your marriage and finding a way to move forward and finding some type of peace even in a situation that you never asked for.
DR poses the question of what you'd do if your H died. In that case you couldn't control him back to the marriage. No, it's not what you wanted. But you'd have to keep going.
For me what saved me was APPRECIATION. How dare I look at God and say that despite my health, children, loving family, many gifts I've been given, place to live, food, and wonderful experience to enjoy, despite all of that, I couldn't possibly enjoy any of it and it was all one big pile of $hit if I didn't get my XW back, without her I couldn't possibly be happy...if I really felt that way, if I was that impossible, if I was really THAT unappreciative, would one woman really suddenly put my heart at ease and make me happy? I don't think so. I used that as a challenge, and I learned to be happy and appreciative in my life with or without my ex. And a good thing too, because she wasn't coming back!
In fact, I've never been happier, because for the first time this forced me to learn to be appreciative. Divorce is horrible and you will not find a bigger opponent of divorce than me. You won't. I'm not saying my divorce 'was a good thing'. Nope. I still feel that my wife was murdered and I am now co-parenting the children with her murderer. Don't get me started. But the point is that was out of my control, and while my life is permanently crippled in some ways compared to what could've been, I am enjoying what is left to me more than I enjoyed what I had before.
OK, I'll put a cork in it. This is tough and you're very new in your sitch. Keep posting, keep reading, and keep reflecting. It's a process. I'm sorry you're in pain Maybe.
Hi zues, I appreciate you following my post and giving me valuable advises. I have to report I still can't see myself being where you are anytime soon. I keep saying I am too scared to hope, now I understand it's because I do hope. I remember reading J3B's post saying his motto is I may quit tomorrow, but today is not the day. I will learn how to love in a distance. I am allowing myself to be happy with what happened yesterday coz if i don't recognise and encourage H when he shows behaviours that I appreciate, then I am not "monitoring results" and recognising progress.
I will continue to believe none of what they say and half of what they do. But I haven't been happy about us for a long time. I am happy that we are communicating, and able to say we appreciate each other's effort in a very difficult situation
Thanks for the reply Maybe.
My question is this- what would you do differently if you 'quit'?
If you let go of what your H is doing and stopped rooting for him to come back towards the M, what would that change in your behavior? Would you stop trying to improve yourself? Would you start seeing someone else to comfort yourself? Would you tell him off because you no longer cared what he did so you want to hurt him like he hurt you?
In my opinion, there is no reason not to quit. In fact, I think quitting is a great choice...provided that you are quitting holding on to H. If you can quit while still making good decisions for you, while avoiding the burning of bridges, and while being your best self, well I feel it is the best for you, AND it is the best chance you have of letting him complete his journey as he won't have to create more distance to get away from you (you'll give him the space he wants).
I don't know if I said that very well, but this is what I see as the eventual next stage. Giving up hope while still walking the DB path.
By the way, these are just ideas to think about, not trying to criticize or bulldoze you. I do applaud standing by your M and think you are absolutely right to do so. That wasn't my point. I'm just trying to help you start to think about ways that detaching and standing can go together. I don't want you to suffer longer than is required.
Hi Maybe, detaching is hard. I'm still not completely detached, but I'm trying to act as if. Acting as if meaning living my life like I'll never have my W back and that's okay. Working towards learning to be alone and not defining myself by my R. I think that is helping me to detach little by little because I'm making a deliberate decision to act as if every day. I don't know if that helps you at all, but I know it has helped me so I just thought I'd share.
We're all going to make mistakes on this journey so don't beat yourself up. Just keep trying each and every day and try to keep in mind that no matter the outcome you'll be okay.
Hi zues, I appreciate you following my post and giving me valuable advises. I have to report I still can't see myself being where you are anytime soon. I keep saying I am too scared to hope, now I understand it's because I do hope. I remember reading J3B's post saying his motto is I may quit tomorrow, but today is not the day. I will learn how to love in a distance. I am allowing myself to be happy with what happened yesterday coz if i don't recognise and encourage H when he shows behaviours that I appreciate, then I am not "monitoring results" and recognising progress.
I will continue to believe none of what they say and half of what they do. But I haven't been happy about us for a long time. I am happy that we are communicating, and able to say we appreciate each other's effort in a very difficult situation
You can notice his behavior without letting it affect your mood.
You can detach and monitor at the same time. Detaching is so, so critical to a healthy relationship. It's worth the effort to learn how to do it.
I think not believing anything they say and half of what they do is key here. I'm trying to learn this myself. Just like we are not in the right state of mind our spouses are not either
Hi zues,
Thanks for your effort in "getting through me":) I largely agree with you, that really standing for a M is not to pursue, but not to retrieve either. Fighting does sound controlling, and yes my issue is that I can't bear having my son traveling between 2 homes growing up, I can do my best to influence but the result is out of my control. If I am to decide to quit, I guess i might move back to where I am from so my son can grow up with family around, not always a one on one companionship either with dad or mum. But I don't want to do that just yet.
I will try hard to detach. I haven't, but I act as if in front of him. To fightin, thanks for sharing that. Let's both work on it while cheering each other on:)
Thanks bsb and everyone else to jump in and "have a go" at me. I need it! I am a very stubborn girl, something else to work on:(
Hi Rose, and everyone else who recommended detachment,
I am reading DR again about last resort technique. My interruption is that like detachment, it requires one to pull back, GAL, and when S is interested, be interested but cool, and wait and be sure of S is reinvesting again to start investing yourself. Pretty much just mirroring your S, and let S pursue if that is their wish. I understand that detaching is the answer, and GAL is about putting the focus back on me. DR talks about having Goals. My ultimate goal is have my family back. I know some may think I am using children as an excuse to hide my fixation on H. Well, maybe, I don't want to argue with myself what I want and don't want. I have a million reasons why I want H to come home. I had never doubted that he is a good man. Even with the lies. He was supportive to me for the last ten years, I WILL try as hard as I can not to interfere his journey. But at the moment, I want to act if he is just being away at the moment, and yes I will use this time to better myself. And I am a lot more comfortable with the interested but cool approach, coz detaching is still confusing for me.
A lot of people seem to confuse LRT and detachment.
Last Resort Technique is something you do as a last resort--after you have tried other things and they have failed. LRT is not something you need in a healthy relationship.
Detachment is something that helps in a troubled relationship BUT it is also an important part of a healthy relationship. You don't stop detaching when your spouse comes back and you are all pieced together.
Detachment is about you being responsible for your own mental health and happiness.
What does it look like? For me, it's about not looking to H to make me feel better when I make a mistake or expecting him to help me deal with the consequences. It's about not telling him I love him when I am doing it in the hopes that he will say it back and soothe my neediness. It means when his day is going badly, I don't get sucked into his stress and worry either by trying to solve it for him or by becoming stressed and worried myself. It means paying attention to how I want to spend my time, and making sure I am not compromising that too often if he doesn't want to do the same thing.
In addition, when the relationship is struggling, it means not reading his mood in the light of our relationship. His bad days and good days might have nothing to do with the R, so I shouldn't interpret his behaviors and moods as signs for good or bad.
Detachment has nothing to do with warm or cool. I am warmly detached. (We're piecing.)
Firstly, thanks rose for your reply. I had since done more reading on detaching. I think I now know what you mean. Great that your H comes to his sense after only 3 months.
Okay, updates. I was having some bed days again. Both me and son are sick, not fun coz son is so young. Went out everyday to keep upbeat and busy. Comes Monday H texted about not wanting to come on unusual time. This is after I suggested him not to visit on Mondays coz he always cancels last minute. He took it as in me keeping son away from him. Then 2 hours before him coming I received the text. Still was disappointed even knowing I have to detach.
Then today he picked up son from kinder coz I work Tuesdays. He asked a few times how I am doing. Eventually he said how are you doing really, mentally. I literally lol. I said I have good and bad days, being ill doesn't help. Mind you I said it with a smile, but still, probably should lie? I said what about you. He said he's miserable. He also mentioned he's not liking where he lives. He moved his computer back coz it's not working. He just took it last week. He always gave me a hug when he left and realised I just wanted to get to my seat and moved away. He said goodbye multiple times, seemingly reluctant to leave. I am sensing he's having thoughts about moving back. Again, I am watching carefully without jumping to conclusions.
He also seems to be doing his hobbies, visiting his mums, and having a laugh with me here and there. Read from the MLC forum that these could be signs of him coming out of the tunnel. Yet, still reactive towards things I said, still making plans to party, still seems to lie. So yeah. Not hopeful, GALby joining a dance studio tomorrow. Yay!
Detaching is hard to understand although I found once I had the knack it really helped.
Detachment is a body state not a feeling or a behaviour.
What do I mean by that?
The body can have only one state at a time, so we substitute the detached state for the lost, whirling confused chasing state.
You have heard of a state of mind and body. It helped me to call this my observer mode, a state of mind where I watched with interest. I detached from the outcome of anyour action of the Giggalo, good or bad.
So you detach from WH picking up kid, fine if he does, fine if he doesn't. You detach from WH coming home, fine if he does and ok if he doesn't. Live in the present and observe.
Some use mindfulness.
I always say it is like your WH being a speedboat going full peltime left, right, to sea, to shore, to rocks and round in circles. You as the water skier are no longer attached to this out of control boat being pulled in all sorts of directions. You stand watching it curiously, your emotions no longer dragged by the out of control boat of WH.
Detaching is not unataching, or moving on. It becomes attaching to you, putting you (and any dependants) first and foremost. Doing the best for you irrespentire of the outcome on R and WH.
Your sitch has attracted the wisdom of Zues and others ahead of you on the journey. Some have not repaired their R or made a new M, although they build the best R with themselves and their children.
These are my thoughts.
V
Detaching, detaching, detaching, but missing him, missing him, missing him. Last night he was sulking to me about how he aren't sleeping well and fell asleep behind the wheels. When I asked what I can do for you, he said nothing, I did it to myself. The old me is telling me, fix this! The new me is arguing, he will ask for help when he wants it. We played with our son, I feel like the old him is coming back. His humour, his laugh, and how comfortable we are together all reminded me of how things used to be. The new me says, don't try to pull him towards you. He needs to want bad enough to makes it work. The new me also says, enough with this, you need to go have fun with your S, and have a great Xmas because S is only 18 months once! So we will go Christmas shopping and spend some money even tho things are a bit tight at the moment...
Hi Vanilla, love your example with the boat. I shall watch him with interest. But I think it comes with practice.
Last night after cancelling his visit the night before, H picked up S from kinder for me. I was so tired from work, I got armbushed by his comments about how S is living in flirt coz I don't clean enough. I was very upset and shut down. I yelled a little I think, or so he said I did because I was acting on autopilot. He left and said he's coming back later to play with S. I had no energy to protest.
I tried to stop him from coming at around 7 coz bedtime is 8. He texted multiple times about being there soon, and said he got me a Xmas tree. Read here not for S, for me. I didn't act out of appreciation because of our previous argument. He then said he's just trying to do something nice, he wished I could be happy about it. So I shutted up and let him and S having a jolly time setting it up. When he left again, he said you looked so tired your poor thing, and Kissed S and said look after your mum for me.
I know he's gone out to drink after. I know he is confused but now he's confusing me. Anyway am being warm to his attempt but not jumping into his arms because he managed to say some kind words once in awhile.
Feel like watching a very additive soap opera staring H. Never know what's gonna happen in the next episode. Stay tune!
Observe
When you do, it is not just the boat you observe.
There is you observing the boat, known as first position.
Then there is you in the boat watching yourself on the shore, known as second position.
Then there is the seagull watching you and the boat, known as third position.
If you practice then you can just observe with detachment.
V
Thanks V. I appreciate your advise. It's very easy to understand, but hard to follow. I stopped being upset last night about H's comment about how the house is filthy. But today, I found myself being very fed up by my son throwing food and tipping milk all over the carpet. I said to myself I am doing great, I am the mum, the maid, the dad, and the provider (H pays the mortgage but bills have became my responsibility). I can't be perfect, so there will be crumbs on the table, stains on the floor, toys everywhere. Yet, it really did get to me today as son was crying every half an hour (teething) and I could not get anything done. I think he's trying to get my attention as well because after the first few crys, I stopped responding coz I got too upset. Story of being a single mum. And there is really nothing I can do but grow stronger and wiser...
Maybe
It isn't advice my lovely one but an observation and a description of that which has worked for me.
Something to use as a tool perhaps a recommendation.
V
I see your gorgeous little one as doing the things that they do.
Please enjoy the mess, revel in it as ordinary life. Giggle.
Teething means your baby has teeth and will not be a toothless wonder!
Wear headphones listen to loud music and dance.
V
Thanks again V. I have ups and downs. Good that I can share my down days here. Yes i complain about my son, but he keeps me busy and happy.
So tonight's episode. I asked if H can take care of S for the night so I can have some time to myself. Mind you this is just from 5 to 8. I am grateful that he said yes. It was too last minute to meet up with friends so I dined alone and did some shopping. Melbourne was so beautiful bathing in sunset with the whole city dress in Christmas decorations. I met a few nice people in good spirits, a beautiful cat and a puppy. The feeling of happiness starts to come back. I still like the things I like even H is not there to share. I finally agree that happiness is a choice, sometimes it's hard to make that choice under the circumstances, but I am determined.
Meanwhile, H found something else he was not happy about in the house so he texted me a few times. I didn't reply. He also yelled a little about how he wanted to leave on his terms coz he didn't want to upset S. I found myself getting frustrated and told him do not swear and talk to me like that you should leave. He didn't. I think he doesn't like me being out. Asked me again if I had a date. I don't want to lie and said no.
So today is my good day. I need to recharge myself with positive energy more often. Stay tune for the next episode!
I start to think that LBS goes through similar things like MLCers. We are depressed, in denial, going through emotional ups and downs, going through withdrawal from our S like a drug. I feel like an addict when I miss him. I know it's bad for me, I need to stop myself from wanting closeness. MLCers are GALing as well, just by making all the wrong choices. The best way to detach is NC, just like when you are quiting smoking, you don't want to be around smokers. It really [censored] that I see him all the time. And it's hard to lower expectations when you do expect him to look after S from time to time.
Anyway, just want to share this. H's birthday tomorrow. No gift except for a packet of dried fruits as a joke (what he got me from his MLC holiday). Really want to give him a hug coz he's nice enough lately. Don't know if it's a good idea. But apparently detaching still allows us to give and receive love. Just don't expect anything. I should prepare myself from negative reactions...
Bye for now
Still not detaching well, instead, I found myself losing respect and love bits by bits for him. It's too tiring. I have enough going on being a single mum. Don't need his negativity. Don't need him to come over for S and starts telling me the house smells strange and my lipstick is too red. Rather not seeing him.
Didn't voice my anger. But it's there to be seen. I will do nothing this time coz don't have energy to do anything more. Don't know what path I am on but think it's part of the process. I think I am preparing myself to move on, really.
Maybe
Can you Google Kubler Ross and grief.
Letting go of an R, and that includes one that gets rebuilt is grief.
There are distinct stages to it, and it is important to know this is 100% normal and usual. Knowing the grief process means that you will never be surprised by it.
It's ok sweetheart, it's all on cue and as it is intended to be.
Choose a lovely new red lipstick and Wear it with pride.
Hugs
V
So, H came vaccum the house for me. Also washed the dog. He however asked me to pay half for the insurance of the family car. He said he's broke. I am making even with my income of my part time job and bills at the moment. Anything extra would need to come out of my savings, which I do not like touching coz these money is to pay for son's future, or H's half of the house. Who knows.
I checked his bank account because I am very confused with his behaviours. I was overly hopeful and always thought he's journey should be a short one. Yes, I am stupid to think I was an exception to all other LBS journeys. I found he started spending in casino and paid $900 in Prada. After learning that I took off my wedding ring. my engagement ring was only $100, our wedding rings were 400 for both. Not that I care about money. It's because I don't. And because I am working my butt off as a single mum with a part time job and still receive comments about my housework without him living in the house, I do not have patience for a man who spends money he does not have to impress some girl (or trans), and ask me for money to pay for the car that's in his name.
I do use it, I think it's somehow fair. My love has chipped away for him again. Ithink I will just keep things business like again. Maybe this is what true detaching is like...
Oh yes Maybe, the gambling issue.
Gamblers are master practitioners in cash extraction and twilling V term).
The Giggalo received 150k $ redundancy in Feb by early September gone. He put his petrol on my credit card, heaid his entertaining from joint funds and had a pension and a salary.
In the end it boiled down to him withdrawing from our joint bill account to take an OW to the Casino. WH was in GA and said it was 'boring'. I am in GAMANON, which is 12 stepping for loved ones of gamblers. I recommend that you attend GAMANON, there are behaviours gamblers do that are way beyond wayward that really send you spinning. Gamblers will not only gamble their money but yours too. So this 12 step program will give you RL support in a way no other will.
They may also have access to therapy resources specially for those affected by gamblers. The Giggalo almost destroyed me, and unknowingly I was enabling his behaviour by not setting proper boundaries.
It's a boundary, if he can't afford his car then he can't. There are consequences to driving without insurance.
Oh yes, being nice to you first is the sweet part of the sweet cycle thenot comes the sauce (asking outrageously) followed by the rage and devaluation. It's your resources he needs to gamble.
Please consider 12 steps.
V
BtW your cash might be better spent on a cheap run around vehicle for you. Remember this car is a marital asset. If you pay ask for your name on the log book too.
He can just as easily run off in the car in his name after you have paid insurance or sell it, or it be taken by a casino.
Suggest he sell it and you get two cheaper cars, watch the rage. I suggest that to the Giggalo, his response he went out a bought a top of the range Audi. I drive a white van which has just been scrapped.
Mind blowing isn't it?
V
Thanks V, again for your heads up. I never thought he would go this far, but again I would of swear a year again this would never of happen to us. I will do things necessary to protect me and my son.
I had started to put money in my son's name, maybe I should move more money from the joint account to my son's. I had also started to consider to move back to my home country where I can get better family support and better jobs. The thing is, I moved away to stay away from my step mum coz she was abusive to me when I was young. And in our culture, it was okay to act that way to your "naughty child" and my dad didn't defend me. The dynamic at home of course had changed, but I don't think I would ever truely forgive her without her sincere apology. So we get along. But I don't know if I want to be back permanently.
Life is full of choices. But knowing I have some provides some sort of comfort. I need to put me and my son first. And I really mean it this time.
I don't know what planet I was on when I first started DBing. I was a lot more positive. Maybe it's me in denial. Whatever that was had worn off. I can't looked at him and carry out normal conversations anymore. I am not detaching, I am now just close off. I don't know how to be open and not let myself be hurt. I understand he's in the fog, but I got angry, resentful all the same. I guess I overestimate myself for my unconditional love. I want to be his lighthouse, but I need to rescue myself first.
Good news is I am finally pulling back. I am very run down at the moment, definitely want to look after myself first. Asked H to be watch S more instead of worrying about S not being in my presence. Went to the first ballet class as my GAL. Was fun. Look forward to the next one. Working on treating H like a work colleague at work.
Eh, don't beat yourself up over getting angry, it is hard not to sometimes. I have very much so struggled with anger and resentment myself. I am sometimes rude to my W when we text because I'm so angry with her. I always feel like poo afterwards though so you'd think I would just stop it. Just try to not get stuck in the anger and resentment if possible. I'm trying so that I don't become bitter, but it is hard sometimes and I think anger is normal to an extent.
Definitely take care of yourself first! That's exactly what you need to be doing, that and taking care of your son.
Hello other DBers, hope everyone is having a nice holiday regardless the ups and downs our (wannabe) WAS are throwing at us. Updates from me, my sister is visiting, so I managed to have a good time and keeping busy. She's leaving on NYE, but I want to focus on the positives even it will be just my son and I in the house.
H is not getting better. I throught he was, or I hope so. They don't call it roller coaster ride for nothing I guess. He seems to be laughing more with our son, but still angry, bitter, quick to start an argument. Threatening to take away the car, come in the house with his key and yell it's his house coz he's still paying. I know they are heat of the moment talk. But very disappointed at him to act like that right before Xmas lunch with family. My sister saw us for the first time after BD and said he just need more time to come around, and said he seemed to still care. I am happy to hear that but don't want to get my hopes up. But I do feel I can be happy without him now. Things will be harder, but me and my son will be fine.
I haven't seen son with H coz I never stay around anymore, but at Xmas lunch, son is very clingy to H, H enjoyed it and almost paraded about it, but for me, it's sad to see coz it says how much son misses his daddy. Even a 18 months old notice his absence. I again can't help but feel devastated for my son having to have two homes growing up. But we will stop here, nothing I can do...
Big slide back to the old habits. Was upset by his comments, reacted, joined in the "augment", up at 5am thinking about what I should say to him or do to change the current situation. I need to remind myself not to jump in this MLC black hole. Of course, he seems so much more stable after I got emotional.
Still struggling balancing childcare, work, housework, and here he is wanting to do more, start paying for car, mortgage, walk the dog more. Need a lift out of these negativity...
My little boy is growing fast, sometimes it makes me sad because he is not living in a "whole family" might need to move between 2 homes in the future. But I start to recognise that's fear within me speaking. He will be a happy kid as long as me and H both love him.
H starts asking me for money to pay for the mortgage. I panicked a bit, but I also learn that things might get "worse", but me and my boy are healthy, are enjoying life, are together. And happiness is a choice.
I have bad days where it feels like nothing changes, and we will forever be in limber. But time is passing, and it's getting easier. I get mad myself sometimes for not changing quick enough, I still got upset by him, react in the moment, try to control things that are out of my control. But I know now straight after, and I try to rectify things the best I can. I allow myself to stay up after baby is sleeping to watch some mindless TV, have a wine. Life is still good, even I still feel like crying from time to time.
Letting go is not easier especially he comes in causally and chat and laugh like we used to. I just have to keep trying... and that makes me feel okay.
Hi DBers,
Just reporting back that H and I started piecing. I didn't make a lot noise, or friends here, but this forum had helped me, when I needed a safe place to dump my emotional rubbish. I will report that, GAL works, act as if works. Also give yourself some slack when you do not manage to exercise any of the well meaning advises, just try again tomorrow. You are awesome just because you want to try. And yes, letting go is the only for them to come back. To give them space and time to think for themselves. Use the time to be a better person. Embrace the unknown. I know it's hard. I still burst into tears when talking about touchy things in most inappropriate time... but I am genuinely happy, even before he decided to come back. I love the new me. I am proud of myself. I hope what I am saying here helps you too.
Lastly, I would like to say, you don't have to follow all advises to the teeth. It is what works for you. I have a lot of trouble with detaching. But I eventually got there by just being happy with myself and acting out of love rather than fear. Just know that you will be fine. My heart goes out to all of you.
Take care
Just reporting back that H and I started piecing.
Great news
Dont forget the lessons you have learned.
Piecing is not a straight line to success.
Its time to build a new marriage.