Link to my old thread:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2704812&page=11 And a quick run by:
I'll just give a brief re-cap for anyone new.
Around oct 2014, my h, a man who has always been so loving and close to me began to pull away. He had just been promoted and was being really pushed at work, he wanted to be successful at it- so he worked damn hard. I supported him physically and emotionally the best I could, I was his biggest cheerleader. Our lifestyle had undergone a huge shift already as we had just had a baby a few months before.
After a few months of him being a little distant, from super chatty and telling me absolutely everything. He had become withdrawn and silent. He started to change passwords on his phone, he had always been so open with that, we both had. I started to suspect ow. Jan 15, he told me he wanted a d. I made the mistakes, then came here and started the work. Although saying he wanted a D, he never seemed to research it seriously. He said we would do it once I'd "got my head around it". He moved into a spare room. Eventually he confirmed a EA, and he would cake eat, at times tell me he wasn't sure he wanted to D me and he still had feelings.
Apr 15, he called it off with ow. And asked if we could work through this, he was honest and admitted he slept with her a few times. In hindsight, I took him back quickly. We started to work through this and were completely transparent. But we didn't tackle the main issues. Again, Oct 15, he withdraws- no talk of D. For months, I endured a rollercoaster of ILYBNILWY then a month or so later ily. Back and forth. Things started to improve in May. We were close again. Having regular sex again. Mid June I realised I had fallen pregnant. Although, surprised and shocked (we both kind of were) h was so happy, said how we were closer to our big family he wanted with me. A week later, he's hiding his phone, I snooped and found suggestive flirty messages between them. With her giving advise that he should leave me and s "it's totally normal these days, not even a big deal". He then tells me that we aren't right for each other and he wants a divorce.
He moved into the spare room again.
The papers are now filed and he is leaving soon. He still denies that there is a ow. But I'm no fool!! He's began to begin to speak to me again. And he decided to share with me that he finds when he looks at me he struggles to contain his sexual urges. I'm resisting these words, it changes nothing. He still wants a D.
My focus now is absolutely on me. We are heading for a quick d, and I'm now figuring I just need to let him go and get on with my life for myself. I am the woman that he is a fool to loose, and maybe at some point he will see that for himself. But not in the way he is now, he would have to be my h, not the wh he currently is. And he is no way capable of being him. He would like me to look over the papers and agree to things with him, this is not something I want. I don't want the D at all, but he knows this. He has told me that he thought I would do more to stop it, I honestly don't know what he means by this. I've told him repeatedly I don't want it, and he told me this is truthfully what he wants, so I don't see that it would make a difference.
Thanks blu, I guess we all have a habit of being much harder amongst ourselves. But you're right, I'm not as detached as I would LIKE to be, but again, you are right. This is my life, h, m, family- I'm bound to feel hurt and for this to take some time.
You're also right, maybe it is an attempt at blame shifting, or to enable him to use it against me at any point and say "but you agreed".
I liked the point about the birth and creating boundaries. Funnily enough, when talking to me this evening, he mentioned something about the birth (after offering a back rub for my back pain!), he expressed wanting to be there- I asked if he would be able to support me if things went wrong. He said he wants to be there t support both me and the baby, and then told me to stop worrying and leaping months away (again not looking into this, is he making out things could change by then?!) again, not worth worrying about this. I shall leave this be. I have it in my mind that if he is capable to be there, he will. If not, my mum says she will be ready to drop everything and be there. So that shall be my plan for the time being, I'll put a pin there and leave it at that. I do think that he will only feel the consequences of what he has done when he leaves. But I shall not hold out any hope of him changing his mind.
Surfer, this is basically what his L has said, they would draft up the reasons and if I didn't agree to them they would re-write. I'd say he has no grounds, but when speaking with my L he advised me that they can say anything like "they didn't put the toilet seat down" and that could be used, and even if contested, the likelihood is that it would still go through the divorce, we just end up racking up grands worth of legal fees and still remain divorced. Mediation would also be on the cards for us in the near future. Yet another thing I have no control over so will face when necessary. My main concern regards custody of the children which he has agreed I would have full custody, no sleepovers but he has access and can take them out. This is something he states he wants (though I know not to really take his word for anything), so I would want this in writing and drawn up legally, which is why I feel I need an L to fight my corner.
In a sense I'm in a hopeless situation. And by that I mean, if he wants a d, regardless of me agreeing, or viewing the papers- he would get it. I just need to remain focussed on the me part and what I can control. I can choose not to join his circus, or to take the bait of temp checks. And I can control myself to being the best person I can be, firm but validate. I can choose to navigate any interaction with grace but yet be firm, rather than be angry and bitter.
What is important for me is that we both put the needs of the children first, but I can only control my side. What I would like to avoid is getting to the point we cannot be in the same room. As a child, many friends had divorced parents, and not one of them had parents that communicated in the slightest. I would like us to be able to be in the same room and communicate with each other. I don't want my children to have any kind of event wether it be a school show or graduation and feel they have to choose which one of us to be there. But this right now is out of my control.
No tears today. I stood my ground that I would like things to go through my L. Obviously he wasn't too pleased with this and said he wanted us to talk this through. But I stick by my decision
In a sense I'm in a hopeless situation.
No, you are in control. Yes you can't stop a D, but he will need to be really determined and in the face of someone just being nice saying, "I really don't want this, I am strong on marriage preservation not walking away (AKA it's your journey)", he has to do the heavy lifting!
If he has to do the heavy lifting you have no "load" on this matter, I don't see your position as hopeless. I see it as hopeful. He might struggle under the load and give up and try to reconcile and if not, its still not your load. Be kind, but just don't carry the load. Also, remind him you have enough going on with S, baby, work, you can't find time for something you don't believe in now more than any time.
Surfer.
Thanks surfer, I guess the idea of reconciliation just seems like something that won't happen. But like you say , I won't do any heavy lifting towards it.
Had a routine antenatal appointment today, my heart rate was sky high, when I explained the stresses they kinda understood. The worst part was when trying to find the babies heartbeat, she couldn't find it. She rang the hospital and told them I needed an emergency scan doing. I text wh to tell him this and that I was scared. I got no response for a couple hours, then a keep me updated. Luckily, baby is fine. As requested I updated him, and got no response. That was a little hurtful. But just glad my baby is ok.
Cherry,
Reconciliation may never happen. Try not to hope for it. I am in exactly the same boat - if that's any help.
We had a tricky patch with no heartbeat. It must have been frightening for you.
I try not to judge your H (you may have noticed?) however, this was unfair (to put it mildly). It would have cost him nothing to give you reassurance via a call or even a text. If it was him (I know he doesn't have lady parts so that would be hard!) ask yourself, what would you have done? In fact , I don't need to ask you, I know. You would have at least called, probably texted, probably both several times on the basis you couldn't be there and if you could you would - I guess. Why, this shows us that you are not wayward. They think oddly. He is clearly wayward. You are normal - I promise you are; clearly he is less normal! I know this is an extreme situation but try and focus on it not being you a your circus. It will hurt of course, I would be heartless to think that it did not, and does not.
By the way, we are all here for you. If you need a Plan C, I can get up there in 3 hours or faster.
You won't be alone and it will all be okay looking back. I promise. Get your Mum lined up and talk about the day, get it fixed in your mind so you accept how it will work. I just don't think he is going to be your Plan A. He would have cracked at the heartbeat thing.
Sorry not the most positive ending but it think you will need to accept how it is likely to pan out. I don't want your birth being marred by the unexpected. It needs to be a lovely time for you despite the way your H is acting. And it will be of course,
Surfer.
You are in control, you are taking charge of your life and being a fantastic mother and woman. Your WH is very lost right now and you have to let him stagger on his own winding path while you move steadily forward.
Yeah , I think when I dropped the hope of reconciliation and made it all about me, things did seem to get easier.
It was petrifying to be honest, I do feel guilty from time to time thinking that my stressing with this situation wouldn't help. So then when she couldn't find it, I just really panicked but I'm glad that I got to see baby, it was a huge reassurance. Yeah you're right, it is hard even trying to see it on the flipside because I just think well that's my baby- I'm sure that I would still care about that. But you are right, it does hurt but it is still his problem.
Haha thank you for the plan c offer. And you are right on the having my mom lined up. At least that way I know it's someone I can rely upon if he is not able, and to keep it as calm as labour can possibly be!
Thanks again for the readsurances and the care
it's much appreciated.
Thanks Sara. You are right, I do just need to remain my focus upon me and leave him be. I guess I just can't quite mask that I was hurt at his complete lack of care about the baby.
Cherry,
I do not believe I have ever posted to you, but I am a silent follower. I've been on these boards for over 8 years. I came here as a scared 27 year old who's husband just left her for his mistress. We had a 6 month old, conceived via IVF.
I tell you that, because although young, you are so mature and handling this like a champ. I just know if I made it, and I was a hot MESS (my D is 9 now, my ex married OW, and I deal with her as my D's stepmother), no matter what happens, you will be fine and you can always look to yourself with pride, just as your kids will.
Hang in there mama:)
Thanks ginger. Wow that must have been so tough on you! I'm sorry to hear that. And I admire you for dealing with her as D'S stepmom. This is one of my fears, another woman in my children's lives. But thank you for the compliments, I hope I do give my children something to be proud of. Despite my wh saying I haven't tried anything to change his mind, I think I have been working on this marriage and that they will see this.
Cherry,
A lot of this will be yourself over thinking. Horrible though it sounds and is, I think you will actually make good memories of the day. Whatever happens.
You are a smart forward thinking positive person.
Just keep on track. You are doing so well.
Surfer.
Cherry
"Despite my wh saying I haven't tried anything to change his mind, I think I have been working on this marriage and that they will see this."
Have you asked him what would change his mind if you tried to change his mind?
Surfer.
Yeah I did ask him what it may look like. He said I would approach him more (i.e. Begging), throw myself at him. Yell and scream.
I don't honestly know if that would change anything. It's all absolutely against dbing. And it's not the kind of person I want to be at all. I don't want to beg and plead with someone who doesn't want to be with me
Ugh I wrote a long post and my silly iPhone lost it!
Today has been a busy day at work, it does help my pma to be busy, but man does it drain my physical strength! Probably a little mix of fatigue, pains, and constant vomiting (I don't think many people keep mouthwash, toothbrush and toothpaste in their Chanel purse). I also didn't sleep to great last night, I had many dreams of wh. That kinda set the day with a little sadness that I do miss him.
When I saw wh today, he seemed a little edgy. At a guess, I think he was feeling a little hesitant to see me after yesterday and everything with the hospital. I flipped a 180 on him and was upbeat and friendly, he quickly changed and was the same. Thing is, this didn't even feel like an act, my expectations of him are somewhat low! I was having some laughs and jokes with him, and I saw more of the more loving look lighting up his eyes like he used to. I shall not read into it, it won't serve me any purpose. But it was an interesting observation, especially when recently he either avoided eye contact, and if their had been eye contact- he would be looking at me like he hated me. Still like I say, changes nothing, he is still filing and still moving out.
Hoping to have a more relaxing evening tonight so I can hopefully get a more rested sleep. Busy day again tomorrow
Hey there, Miss Cherry. I am so glad that your baby scare turned out OK. WH definitely earned no points with his response, however. That was definitely poor form.
Sorry to hear that the vomiting goes ever on and on, but look at you - carrying the necessary stuff in your Chanel! I'd be lucky if I could muster enough ambition to even CARRY the Chanel if I were feeling that way!
Great job on the PMA when you saw WH, buy the way. You are living your life now, and living well is the best revenge, as they say. I'm not big fan of revenge, but I am a big fan of living well. Yay for you! Keep your chin up and your Chanel at the ready. : )
As for him thinking you would ever be begging... I can't see a sassy woman like you ever doing such thing. No way, no how.
((((((((Cherry)))))))
Thanks phoebe. I must admit in the early days I told him not to do it, but there was no begging. I don't do begging.
Thank you, I know what you mean. Nothing gets to a person more than seeing you hold things together when they thought you'd be in bits. I guess I'm at the show him what he's going to be missing.
I've kinda got used to the vomiting, with S it stayed until the day I delivered! But I'm trying to eat as well as I can, even if it comes back. They assure me that baby gets the nutrients needed first. And that lovely scan showed me that baby is growing nicely, so what more could I want. It was exceptionally poor form really, but I already knew I couldn't rely upon him, but the lack of caring about baby did get to me a bit. The children are separate to me, and we should put them first regardless. My Chanel bags are my investment pieces, they only grow in value.
Got a busy day ahead of me at work today. It's never a good start to a day when you start off tired and wanting to go back to bed. Still onwards and upwards. It keeps my mind busy, and I must admit yesterday and today I've had that sad feeling that he is moving and this is now happening for real.
Agggh.
Just did the same iPhone thing....
I will rewrite but briefer as I need to get in the pool!
Begging not etc. Would be an act. You would be faking it once past that 'begging' stage. It's a power trip thing for him due to his insecurities. He needs to work on his insecurities. It's not about you.
My W said I needed to be 'there' - she really meant to show I understand (through validation and a lot of it). I always listened, okay at times I might not have been soooo interested I am a normal man After all. Extreme validation was not and is not my thing if I am honest. I obviously do a lot of it now but it's acting as if really. Again, this boils down to W's insecurities - surrounds herself with 'yes men' drops people who don't agree with her. Something she needs to work on her insecurities. In the same way I need to work on listening.
I think there is sometimes a further thing. It's a basic unhappiness with their lot. Whatever that is. My W used to describe her concerns as 'this' or 'it'. She meant her experience in the M. Every day the same, kids, food, washing, shopping, bed rinse and repeat. I think she felt trapped. She used to say this towards the end. I wonder how life will feel when it's the same with less money? Less time with the kids. When she is doing it all herself. I sometimes see the house a real mess when I pick the kids up - I know she is starting to struggle with that, not always, every now and then. Having said that, I think she would rather self combust than admit she may be wrong with her decision to leave. She might even be right of course. Who knows - or cares frankly?
Hope your day goes well today.
Just thoughts.
Surfer.
Oh Cherry, is that what he wants his wife to do, beg and plead! Surely that's not the woman he fell in love with! I'm glad you are standing your ground. This is when the DB principles really come into their own.
If he was really unsure of D then maybe he should put it on hold and move out to give you both a little space and time to think?
Glad your little chick is doing well. I don't think I have ever touched a Chanel handbag.... :0)
Glad your little one is doing well.
I wish I had a Chanel bag to carry my toothbrush in even if that meant morning sickness.
I 100% agree with Surfer, him wanting you to beg is just his insecurities coming out. If you were to beg he would tell you he wanted something different. He just wants you to want him, IMO.
I also agree with the basic unhappiness piece of his post. My W thinks that by leaving all of her problems will be solved and even now still tries to blame some things on me, but that's just her and her problems that she needs to deal with on her own. she's already feeling the strain of losing half her income, she's had to get a second job and now goes weeks without a day off. I want to feel bad and at the same time I feel like she did it to herself.
Hang in there.
Thanks surfer, I hadn't thought about it from that point of view, but that does actually make a lot of sense to me. He is deeply insecure, he told me of his need to feel loved and mistaking lust/limerance with love. I guess it is a bit of a power thing, making him feel wanted and loves. I think this is what my wh needs- constant fuss and attention. The validation and listening skills is something I've really worked on as he always said I didnt listen. I guess like you say, they want a yes man. And I guess that's where the ap comes in, they'll yes until the cows come home, and give the "you deserve more than they", until the bubble bursts, and true colours come out. Still this is his journey and his lessons to learn.
My wh often refers to the m as "this" or "the situation ". I guess like you say,, family life does become a little bit predictable, but it's nice. I do wonder how he will feel running a home (I always did everything, cooking, cleaning, shopping, washing). And I couldn't imagine not putting my S to bed every night. Yes having a toddler run riot every day can be tough at times, but I wouldn't want it any other way. For me, our house only really became a home when we brought him back from the hosp. And wh agreed, it became a proper family home.
Coly, I said that to him to really think about if it's what he wanted. One day he told me of his doubts, and asked me if this is why people say the first few years of m is tough. We had a big long conversation about how you adapt to one another, and the changes when you start a family. He said he was no longer sure of if this what what he wanted. A few days later, he made out that convo never happened. This is exactly why dbing advises not believing a word they say! So now he shall run full speed ahead. And all I can do is sit by and let it happen. Refuse to hop on the crazy train. And I would gladly let you take my purse for a spin! It sounds shallow, but as a teen, I looked at them and wanted one so badly, that I decided I would bust a guy a university do I could get on a grad scheme and buy myself one. And I did it, even whilst having chemotherapy I would work on my assignments on my laptop, and I achieved a first class honours deggree. When I put my mind to something, I won't stop until I achieve it. I guess this is partly the reason I feel like a failure that my m has failed and there's nothing I can do to save it.
Thinking of stopping off on my way home from work to get a quick tidy up of my eyebrows, I'm Latin, but with natural blonde hair and dark eyebrows, I'm not sure how that happens! H is supposed to look after S today, but even when I asked him about this he said "well I wouldn't rely on that" . Luckily I have a good mil who takes care of him. But I feel sad that S will miss out on this time! But again, out of my control.
Thanks maybs, that's just it isn't it, we are the source of all of the problems in the world. I bet global warming and poverty is my fault too :P
I guess this is where we just sit back and let them realise that wherever they go and whatever they do, their problems are still there. Aside from a bit of peace in the house, I guess this is the silver lining in him moving. Not that it will probably make a difference, he is very stubborn, but you never know- the penny may well drop that the problem is not all to do with being here or me and our m.
Thanks maybs, that's just it isn't it, we are the source of all of the problems in the world. I bet global warming and poverty is my fault too :P
I guess this is where we just sit back and let them realise that wherever they go and whatever they do, their problems are still there. Aside from a bit of peace in the house, I guess this is the silver lining in him moving. Not that it will probably make a difference, he is very stubborn, but you never know- the penny may well drop that the problem is not all to do with being here or me and our m.
Just a thought to chew on...
Perhaps there is depression among other possible mental health issues with the WAS/WS...
I understand we all swing from taking on the blame to giving it all back, but when we are reeling we sought out assistance and many received medical and psychological assistance...
WAS/WS may suffer from a similar malady and just do not realize it to seek help.
Maybe letting our thought focus on compassion instead of mind reading and blame we can heal more promptly and healthily detach...and create the best space for them to realize they may need help...
My 2c...
SH, this totally makes sense. I know I come on here and have a little grumble from time to time, but this is just to vent my complaints.
Towards wh, I am compassionate, friendly. And my recent 180 on validating, I felt I've given him the opportunity to talk to me if needs be. I know my wh has depression, he's told me about self harm, and his thoughts on things would be better if he wasn't here. At that time I validated and said how this must be very hard. I've let him know that he is deeply loved by S, and that regardless of what happens between us, I think I always will care about him, he is the father of my children after all (I possibly broke a db rule there).
I've made my feelings known, so he knows there's love there. I also like to make my house that of a calm place, and when he sees those glimpses of me, it's thatvof a stable happy loving person. And this is all I feel I have in my control, he is extremely wayward- to the point he doesn't even see or spend time with our S. And mention this baby and he's in panic mode
Seeking help is ultimately all on the individual, I believe that you can only get help when you realise you have a problem. I realised I carried a lot of issues along with mevthat I had never dealt with, an abussive ex, and post traumatic stress from a cancer battle. But I'm working on these now, which helps me to see clearer and be a better person.
I guess one of my daily battles is getting on with life, when my heart is breaking as I know I do love my h. But now it's at that stage of if you love someone let them go. I do find myself having a battle occasionally of loving someone, but hurt by the betrayal. I've read stories on people piecing, and see this is a common issue even when the spouse returns.
Still one step at a time!
so todaybis supposed to be the day wh said he would look after S whilst I am at work. For the past few weeks he hasn't done this, he even told me not to rely on this. He left S with his m. The thing is this evening, I couldn't find S. I found him sat downstairs quietly by the door. I asked him was he going to come to bed. He just kept saying "daddy" then "daddies gone". It took a lot of persuasion and tears to get him to bed. And it took a long time to get him settled. This absolutely broke my heart, wh left early this morning and still hasn't returned. I've felt a lot of levels of sadness throughout this journey, but this has hurt me the most. All I could do was try my best to console him and show him love, but it hurts, and I know that this is how things are going to be, especially when he leaves. I'm not sure what else I can do.
Spending the evening watching some travel shows. Nice easy going shows, and I'm learning about the world and countries too. I have another presentation and some conference calls tomorrow to do, so I know I need to try and get some sleep tonight, I admit sleep has been difficult the past few days, partly an active mind, partly just can't get comfy, oh and there's a baby bouncing on my bladder. I'm trying to really wind down of an evening to bring my runaway brain to a bit of a halt.
(((Cherry and your son))) That stinks that your son is crying for his dad....ugh...glad that you are such a great mom!! I have been having a tough time sleeping as well and I'm not pregnant...haha...its my runaway brain as well...crazy I have never ever had a problem sleeping before all this has happened...hope you have a good night!
SH I agree. I do come on here and complain to vent it out a bit but at the end of the day I do really care of my W and show her compassion and empathize with her.
When everything started she had talked about seeking help but never following through on it. I never pushed because she has to want to help.
I do try to be the lighthouse, I think to some degree we all do. We want them to find their way but unfortunately there's not much we can do.
(((Cherry))), that's heartbreaking about your S. It's good that he has you right now, you are truly a strong woman to be putting up with you WH.
I hope he thinks that too, I just know I can't really stop the pain he is feeling right now. All I can do is be there to comfort him.
I've never been a great sleeper, I think the pregnancy does help me to sleep better, I really utilise S's nap time these days! Runaway brain is annoying to say the least, it's not even the situation, I find myself creating a to do list! Grr
Thanks maybs. It's hard to hold your hurt in, but my protective mode kicks in, and my feelings are put to the side for him.
Sometimes it is hard to be the lighthouse but also not to hold to much hope that they will return.
I think we are all a little guilty of having a little vent here. But I definitely let it out here so then I let it go and don't let it out to him.
You keep pouring your love into that little boy. He will grow up strong and kind because his mother was a light house. You will be the rock on which sets his standards by.
I also have been having the runaway brain, waking at 2-3 am and stuck up for the day. I've been trying to remind myself that I am in control of my future and decisions. I had reached a point previously where this brought me peace and detachment but I let myself backslide and lose some well earned ground. You and I are working as hard as we can to keep our children happy and healthy while working and juggling this DBing stuff. We should have statues built in our honor and there should be a cape installed, lol!
P.S. I had my hair high lighted today in your honor.
Ooh I'm very proud
I bet you felt a little better after a little pamper.
I think we should, I'll get to work on that one. It is a big juggle, dbing, managing emotions, making sure the kids feel supported and work on top of everything. I think being the lighthouse is all we can do here, especially where the children are concerned. My biggest worry out of everything is how it will affect them. The thing that my mil is struggling with is she was put in the same position by wh'S dad (he hasn't seen or heard at him since he was about 1.5 years old), then she had an ex after that who was violent. Throughout all of this she put him first, the most doting mom, yet he still turned out like the men that have been in his life. This makes me scared for S, but all I can do is my best and shower him with love and break the bad man influence! Fortunately, my S sees my papi regularly, and he is a good strong family man with values and absolutely family comes first. My son adores his abuelo so at least he has a good influence in his life.
But Sara, you are one of the fiercest mamacita going! And I know that we can get through this, stronger and better.. with great hair. When do we order our capes?
Hi Cherry!
Just swinging by to show that I am still in your corner.
Lovely to see you grl, hope you're keeping good
I am so sorry about your S's rxn to h. It really svks.
(((QCherry)))
I am chugging along. I know I will get to where I am supposed to be if I learn my lessons and keep on keeping on.
Cherry,
You are a extraordinary person. The strength you're showing during this time is nothing short of inspirational.
Take care of yourself and your children. One day, when your children are older, they'll understand what a pillar of strength you. You are the finest example of what a mother should be.
All the best
Grl, just keeping chugging along is all we can do right now. But you're an amazing lady, and your strength is admirable.
Msp710, thank you so much. That's such a lovely thing to say. All I can do right now is focus on my S and my bump and keep them happy. As you can see, this can be a long bumpy rollercoaster. One which we can either join, or get off and work on us for a litttle while. I'm working on me, but still showing some kindness towards wh. I just give him a little glimpse here and there of what he is set to loose.
Just journaling a little. The past couple of days I've had some pangs of sadness, not necessarily anger at all, just the sad feeling when you know someone has gone. This has mainly been induced by the sadness visible in my s. After the other day and crying at the door, there's been a few times I've lost him and found him sitting outside wh's bedroom door. The usual "daddy's gone" and "where's daddy". He's also taken to carrying round a framed wedding photo of me and wh that he found. This breaks my heart, I hate the pain I'm going through, but I hate the pain it's causing my S even more. I haven't seen wh for a few days, he's been going out super early for work, and coming home like 1/2 am.
Went in for a couple hours to work this morning, then came home and picked S up and took him out for a little while for a play. Then the usual shopping, cleaning and while I wasn't feeling too sick- I cooked a few meals to last a few days (I've taken to cooking in bulk and freezing them so if I'm having a particularly sick day, I don't have to face cooking, and that way S has something nice and nutritious. After that, me and S made a mess doing some painting. Feeling pretty darn tired now already!
Hey Cherry, just popping in to see how you are doing. I've not started up a new thread here as yet but will do when I feel motivated enough!
I did wander into the MLC forum and bumped into AndrewP. I've been thinking that H might be in MLC so have started a thread up over there as well.
It made me so sad when you said your S has been carrying around your wedding photo. It's amazing how much they pick up on but in fact you wish they didn't and just remained innocent to it all. I was also sad about your H's childhood with his Dad leaving when he was little. It's almost like history repeating itself...
Well done on the bulk cooking, brilliant idea!
I know, and he has spent his entire life trying to avoid being like him, he always said he would never treat a woman or child the way he and his mom were treated. Though of course being wayward he is in absolute denial about this, and when his mom points this out to him it is met with anger and denial that he is anything like him.
This evening wh came home in a rather depressed looking state. I was just serving dinner so asked if he wanted some, he said he would. He didn't say a word to me, and barely said any to S. I thought after the last few days and carrying round the photo that S would run to him, but S ignored him. It's not like I can even sit S down and talk to him about things. Soon after eating wh went out, but at least there was no tears at bedtime, I think the fact that I wore him out at the park helped!
Going to plan in a few things for the weekend for me and S. Still no update on when wh is moving out. He told me he paid his deposit and has already paid some upfront rent on a place. I get the feeling he will just leave one day without saying anything.
Hi Cherry, just stopping by to see how you're doing.
I can't believe everything you've been through at such a young age, with such grace and dignity and incredible strength.
Is someone taking care of you?
I know your MIL is there, and I think it's great that she's telling WH the truth so you don't have to.
Yeah, I guess her spew kinda helps me from saying anything. She doesn't have much of a filter! I think now even she is growing tired, and she too has pulled right back for her own sanity. Maybe this will help him see the loss he is going to feel.
I do get a lot of support and help from mil, I also have a few good friends and my own family for support. I am fiercely independent though, so accepting help is something I struggle with, but I am taking the effort too.
That does mean a lot though painter. I'm trying to keep as much dignity and grace about me as possible. I think of what my S is being exposed to, and also think of my own peace. I'm keen to make sure my good nature does not get made a mockery of, I won't let him take advantage of me.
I'm not too sure why at the moment I've hit a bit of a lull. There's a sadness that is hanging around. I guess it's an acceptance that this is now happening, and it's the waiting of all the papers, and him moving, and the sadness of S I see at times, and how this baby will potentially never know their father quite so well. I have been thinking what is it about wh that I actually miss. I think it's having that person to love, cuddle, talk to. We were always the best of friends and would laugh a lot and do things together. I don't just feel the loss of a h, but my best friend too. I know time is a healer, and that eventually the sadness will ease. I also know that the person he has been for the last 2 years on and off has not been my best friend, nor a h. And it has been a case of him ignoring me and being selfish and dishonest, and that is something I can live without.
My mil said yesterday that for someone getting everything he wants, he doesn't appear happy , and he doesnt. But maybe that's because he possibly doesn't truly know what he wants, or it's the guilt eating away. Who knows.
Hang in there Cherry. Your strength is a inspiration to me as well as the countless people who are following your journey. You don't deserve this.
My mil said yesterday that for someone getting everything he wants, he doesn't appear happy , and he doesnt. But maybe that's because he possibly doesn't truly know what he wants, or it's the guilt eating away. Who knows
This is very true. If you it a MLC (say) or whatever, this state of mind is causing this behaviour. behind it all is a disillusioned person. Disillusionment is:
"disappointment resulting from the discovery that something is not as good as one believed it to be."
People the MLC st or WS often seems to have an unrealistic expectation in relation to what life should be. They become selfish and put their own 'needs' (wants/desires) first. They seem to focus on short terms goals or needs that they have become fixated by - if only I could run away, escape etc. Then it would all be fine. They think they know what will work but at the back of their mind they know these choices are not good. They also feel guilt creeping up.
I'd rather be on this side of the fence personally.
Surfer.
Msp710, thank you. I don't think anyone deserves this pain we are feeling. But thank you for the support and compliments
Yeah surfer, you are so right. And you're right on being on this side of fence. When I've spoken to him and validated his feelings, I have actually meant it. It's easy to yell and point the blame, I don't excuse affairs, but being lost and becoming a stranger to everyone including yourself must be hard. I am at the stage of, ok I just need to let him know. And wether or not he realises he is making a mistake or not, I don't know at all.
I agree with liking my sided of the fence. I've always known I wanted a family, a career that allows for life balance and a comfortable income so I can plan retirement and pay for the kid's college. IT seems my WH keeps looking for that pie in the sky, the magical "thing" that will finally make him "happy." I am grateful for what I have and really don't want more than I have. I can't imagine being my WH, making oodles of money, chasing young nurses and thinking I would be happier not married to my faithful partner.
BTW, I did a facial today and paid homage to you the entire time, lol. I will probably schedule a waxing on Monday after work.
I'm so glad you did! A good pamper really helps the pma I find. The waxing sounds good too! It'll be good for you to be feeling your best for wh's grand arrival.. I trust you have had the red carpet steamed and ready to roll..
I too am like you. I'm humble and I'm greatful for what I have, to me, your family is your wealth. To have a feeling that no matter what you have isn't enough and that there's something missing that will make you happy is quite frankly a feeling I don't want.
Had an enjoyable day with S.. we ran some errands and then I drove over to my family to see them and let S have some fun with them. As always, lovely to see him enjoying himself surrounded by love! Wh spent the day at home. I came home and cooked dinner, as he was home I asked him if he wanted to eat too (the way I see this is in a none persuing way, I was brought up in a culture we offer everyone in the house food. Not even the window cleaner can go to my parents house without my mom offering food and drink). Although he didn't look up at me he said he would eat. Again no words where exchanged, not even to S really. Then the usual bath and bed routine for S. No tears this bedtime, I wore him out again! While I did S'S routine, the creature of the night got ready and went out without a word.
I took advantage of the quiet time and had a nice relaxing bath, and called a friend for a catch up.
Things are still the same. Some days wh is upbeat and friendly, and others withdrawn. I have maintained my behaviour the same, a little distant but friendly.
Have a good night Cherry, you still sound great.
Cherry, You're doing great.
I think offering him food when you are cooking anyway is fine. It's manners plus compassion.
Like the way you're keeping on. I think you've got the lighthouse thing pat down.
Thank you. I don't want to appear as though I am completely passive. But that's how I see it grl, it's manners. Any house guests I have love to stay at my home for how relaxed and taken care of they are. I always say to people mi case es su casa. Help yourself to whatever. Earlier on in the sitch, he wouldn't eat when I cooked and he didn't want to appear to be taken, and he saw it as persuing. I made it crystal clear to him that was not the case, and to think of how I ever treat a guest, I offer food if I cook. It would quite frankly feel as though I am being spiteful to not ask. Plus it is a take it or leave it, it's no skin off my nose if he chooses not too. I make sure that I stick to our normal eating time routine, partly for routine for S- and if he isn't home, we eat anyway. When S was a baby and I found myself here about a year and a half ago. I would give S his food and quite often not eat or eat a piece of toast. It did feel then like our world revolved around him, and if he wasn't there- the world stopped. This time I do feel stronger. It's a take it or leave it, and our life carries on. Maybe it's the fact I've been here so long, or maybe it's because I have to be that much stronger because S is now older and more aware.
Routine is something I am aware of keeping the same for S. Any reading I've done around any changes in a toddlers life is to keep a child's routine as normal as possible, as that is kind of safety and security to them. So I shall keep up with that, and make sure we do plenty of fun things, I want him to know that he always has his mama for security and love.
Thank you CT and grl for saying I'm doing well. I've been a bit hard on myself for feeling a little sad the past few days. I guess to give myself a compliment, I haven't had it stop me from getting by and keeping on with my life, nor have I changed my approach to wh in any way.
I am toying with the idea of asking him when he is moving out. But I don't want to in any way have it seem as though I am pushing him one way or another, knowing him he would blame me at a later date and say I pushed him to going. But it's about 2/3 weeks ago that he told me he had secured a property and already paid a months rent, so if this is the case he would have signed the tenancy and have the keys. I don't think I want to be at home when he moves, and I don't think S should see it neither. I know we may have a bit more calm without seeing him coming and going, but it will all seem very real then, and I'm dreading how S will be. He's bad enough now for getting upset as to the whereabouts of his father.
Cherry, the moving out thing is a tough one. If you ask, it can seem like you're trying to get him to move out. But it can be quite painful to watch him move.
For the time being, my take is to not ask him. If he really should move if you and S are around, then just quickly take S away to do something fun.
Yeah that sounds like a good idea. And that's exactly the take I had on it, that if I ask, he may well turn round and tell me that I pushed him to it. A bit like how he says I haven't done anything to stop him from filing. It does seem a bit like I'm damned if I do, and I'm damned if I don't with him right now. I know this is just blame shifting so I shall not take that onboard neither.
You are such a good mom to keep your son's routine going despite WH's crazy. Your son is lucky to have you.
Thank you rose. That genuinely made me smile. I would give my life for that child. So I will absolutely try my best and use every ounce of my strength to protect him from any crazy. I feel it is my absolute responsibility as a mother to protect him from absolutely everything and everything. It just is quite sad that I need to protect him from his own fathers behaviour.
Babe, you are such a strong woman! You inspire me to get off my moping a$$.
No beating yourself up mama! You've been so strong for so so long!! We are all entitled to feel down, and you've had one hell of a thing thrown at you. I know you will come back stronger than ever, dancing round that pole like an absolute boss.
Thank you CT and grl for saying I'm doing well. I've been a bit hard on myself for feeling a little sad the past few days. I guess to give myself a compliment, I haven't had it stop me from getting by and keeping on with my life, nor have I changed my approach to wh in any way.
Cherry - I read your post(s) and rarely comment. I see me here (DB world) now as either talking about me in terms of self-help or offering about me to others when deemed appropriate to help. At one point in life, especially when I first arrived here, I felt as if I had fallen so far behind I had no other choice but to become my own leader. But such a notion left room for others to lead if I were able to lead myself to the "catch-up". You, Cherry, you are a leader. You are a leader because Cherry knows Cherry. DB community has the weak, the fallen, the strong, the rebuilt, the waxing, the waning, the have done, the will be, and the won't. There are champions here, there are champions of themselves here, and then there are champions over me.
You, milady, are a champion over me. I am not one to drop the words 'deserve' or 'earned' lightly, but you have done both and in return, you receive my unyielding respect. I will read, I will watch, I will learn. I receive from you. You protect you like a damaged animal in a corner, and you have taken back the room. I guess I felt like I wanted you to know how much I respected you tonight Cherry. Get some.
Hey Cherry, hooe you are having a good weekend? I'm up early as usual...
I agree it's tough with the moving out date especially if you don't want to be there. I am a typical head in the sand type of gal so I definitely wouldn't ask! However can I ask if you have seen any actual packing going on? If you haven't then I think for sure he is in denial. I know that's mind reading but if you were hell bent on leaving and you knew it was the right thing to do most normal people would be making preparations - wouldn't they?
CT, that's so unbelievably kind of you, I was genuinely touched by that post! I guess I really am my own harshest critic. I think I came here more like a timid mouse, a little scared, wanting to run from feelings and giving wh the ability to dictate my moods. I like to think of myself as a full blown lioness right now, and I will protect my cubs, and I'll fight to my death to protect them, that's being a mother. For me, I became a mother as soon as I got pregnant, I knew that life inside of me had to be protected, and you worry and care for that child even though they are in the womb. Now I have a toddler running round and another inside- and I care and worry for them both. And I shall protect the best I can! I will make a life for us, I will give all I can, I will sacrifice anything, and I shall certainly put their feelings and needs above my own.
And that's the funny thing with dbing, to start with, you're scared and hiding, walking around being depressed. And the spouse, well they are constantly roaming around, ruling the roost. However in time, the roles switch and they become the one looking scared and depressed. I know even if this all goes through, and I end up D'D. I will know that I didn't act in anger or spite. I didn't kick wh out of the house like none db-ers advised to me. Instead I found a way to be strong and separate his feelings from mine, I found a way to detach some feelings from him but yet still be kind to him. And most of all, I know I protected my S from seeing parents tear lumps out of one another, and I tried my damn hardest to be a lighthouse for all around me.
Coly, it's been a busy weekend, but I've made more lovely memories, and seen my child laugh and have fun. There's absolutely no packing taking place. No organising things. If he hadn't of told me about having a new place- I would never have guessed. He has spent his weekend in his room in bed watching tv, briefly coming out for food. There's been no purchasing of any new furniture. Absolutely nothing. I don't want to do any reading into it or give myself any false hope because I know he most probably will go. However someone so focussed on leaving, I would of thought having already paid for that place and it now being his- he would be spending time there and out the door rather than being here
My lovely one
You are a shining star
V
Thank you v
I hope I am
I don't know why, it could be my hormones throwing me off. Or it could be my gut feeling (which is usually right). But I just have the feeling that the ea he denies is a pa. I'm not sure what has triggered this, other than his inability to be near or look at me again. He is also the same with his mom and S. He came home rather early for him last night, but has spent most of the day hidden away. I had to go run some errands. I asked him would he be able to watch S. He said no because he had to go out too.
I wish I could shake this feeling. It won't do me any good, nor does it change anything really. He's already told me he has a flat and he has filed. And that as far as he is concerned he is no longer married.
Maybe it is just a combination of my hormones, sleep deprivation, and sadness as to how S is being treated by him.
(((Cherry)))
Sweetheart, don't go there. Unless it will benefit you when filing or unless you planning to sue skank, the distinction is pointless.
An A is an A. Infidelity is infidelity.
It could just be guilt.
I am so sorry for your pain.
Cherry, put that big STOP sign up and don't go there! Even if it is, is it really making him happy? No, like you said he looks depressed and can't look anyone in the eye. Not very promising for the start of any relationship is it IF that is the case.....
I wonder what really goes through their minds you know. I mean why spout of that you are going to leave and then make no effort to make preparations! I've seen in some stichs where the spouse literally clears the house out (like AndrewP's W) from the word go! Whereas my H still has a wardrobe full of clothes and 90% of his life still in the marital home. I keep thinking he obviously doesn't need any of it so maybe I should just bin it all!! I'm expecting him to turn up with a van soon though!
Maybe you should put some boxes and bubble wrap outside his room as a hint...!
Ladies, thank you. I don't think I have the energy to investigate. IF I was to find evidence, I think I would definitely make sure her name is stated, do a counter to adultery and have her pay my fees!! However I am not going to snoop, I can't deal with the excess stress. I've my own mental state and the health of my baby to think of.
The way that my wh has put it out there was that he was getting a place and he would be gone. Maybe they keep things there to kind of keep the door propped open a touch, or a reason to swing by. Who knows, not us and probably not them.
Having a relaxing evening, he breezed by for a whole few minutes. Came to my room to see how I was, and then left again. Going to relax and regain my chill.
I wish we could just bash our two WH's heads together. I don't get this trolling in the gutters of humanity when they have diamonds and gold at home. It has gone beyond strange how closely our lives are parallel, huh?
You keep doing you, his misery and guilt are his to struggle with. You and I have a clean conscious and can look people in the eye.
It really is very very strange how alike our lives and sitchs are! Eery!
They also seemed to forget the "lower your gaze". Funny that!
You're right, we can. We can keep our heads held up high and know we have not done wrong. It's no wonder really they can't look us in the eye. I keep telling me that this is all to do with him and not me. In a way, maybe its better, he's previously looked me straight in the eye and lied. I guess at least avoiding my eye contact shows he is thinking something.
I've said it before, i would much rather be on this side of the fence. The guilt would absolutely eat me alive!
Hi Cherry. I also am of he opinion that it matters not a whit if it's an EA or a PA. It's waywardness, pure and simple. How many hoops his monkeys jump through in the circus doesn't change the fact that the circus exists in the first place.
It was never the idea of my WH sharing his body that pushed me to such a low point. It was the deceit that I hadn't seen. It was the violation of my trust, both in him and of my own instincts. More information won't change anything at all.
You just keep on taking the high road, lovely. It's got a much better view.
((((((Cherry))))))
Thanks for the support. You're right, it doesn't make too much difference either way. The thought of him getting his emotional needs met by someone else tears me up, the physical side for me is awful. The thought of him physically being with someone else knocks me sick.
I think yesterday I was having a low self esteem day. I pictured him out amongst skinny pretty girls, and then coming home to a pregnant lady getting fatter (darn water retention!). These I know are useless thoughts, and mindreading at its best! So I shall overcome and think what I am, and what I'm about. Yes I'm at home while these girls are out, is that a bad thing. No, no it is not. I have responsibilities, I'm a mother- and a damn good one at that. Yes I am getting bigger and retaining water like a camel. Bad thing? No. I'm growing a human. His child. I shall go back to embracing my new curves. And shall attempt to appear with the same confidence of one of those Greek statues of a proud woman proudly growing life!
I also need to get working on falling asleep earlier, I think the sleep deprivation is not doing me any favours. So this is a new goal to achieve.
(((Cherry)))
Real men loves some curves. Cherry, dont you dare compare yourself to skanks. You are way out of their league. Can they cook and keep house like you do? Are they trying their darnest for a family and a h that they love? Do they have the morals that you do?
Skanks can be skinny because they don't have responsibilities like you do. And yup, they don't have a lovely child growing in them.
Hope you got some rest.
I know it's awful to think about your S with someone else. I understand that. Kids are even talking to me about it kind of "Mummy is not looking for anyone else but she might find someone" (I just respond, "that's okay") - bless them, just talking me through what they are thinking. They are happy and okay about it all it seems but it's still not nice to hear at times (at times I am okay with it). I do slip back every now and then and try to wish for things that I can't control ("if only everything was how it was", "why can't she see its wrong all of this" etc). It really is pointless though. I think we just need to accept and move on. I know it's hard, but try not to punish yourself with such thoughts about H with OW.
Sleep really helps Cherry. It's often when you are tired or run down that it is easier to cycle.
Try to keep busy, it will keep your mind off the roller coaster and will help you to tire so you sleep better.
Surfer.
Thanks grl, I honestly shouldn't complain, at 4.5 months pregnant I can still fit in my pre prey clothes, and have a fairly neat bump. I think it's just easy with all the wild hormones and rapid changes to feel self conscious. The funny thing is, I've always looked at pregnant women and thought they look so beautiful, growing life and lovely curves- so womanly. And you are absolutely right, a single mom can be a kickass woman, take care of herself, a child, keep a home, financially independent and strong as hell, they can't even slightly compare, living at home with their mama's psssh please.
Thanks surfer, you are so right. When tired everything always seems much more drained, I caught a quick power nap after work and then made dinner. Wh came home on time, and rather withdrawn (not my issue). I offered him food which he took up, he ate in silence and got up as soon as he ate. This didn't bother me, I don't expect any conversation. At least I could maintain my higher ground, stay steady and constant and show my son a good example.
When WH and I were actually starting to recover from the A (there was 2 months where OW wasn't there but recovering from surgery) my WH assured me that my pregnant body was NOT a turn off. He said men simply don't care about that, if it's soft and feminine they are HOT. Your WH's issues run waaay deeper than mere appearances. I saw pics of the OW and was struck by how plain and dumpy she looked, I am not vain but frankly I am much more attractive than her. Spouses that cheat are doing it more to fill some hole inisde themselves, they affair down historically.
I watched MWD videos today about the last resort technique and tuned up my DBing. Remember that your most consistent change is the one noticed, even if it's very small. There is no way an AP will match you, you are the mother of his children and no AP can change that. Keep being this wonderful person. One day, Inshallah, you and I will meet and bask in each other's joy and strength.
Yeah the ow I've seen is the opposite to what he likes, and he's a fan of natural beauty, she has a face CAKED in the stuff, ridiculous eyebrows. And like you, I'm not vain- but she doesn't hold a candle! This has also been verified by "well doers" at work who have heard rumours, and it's always met with "is he mad?". Though maybe this is part of the issue, he has complained to me, even recently, that everyone at work tells him he is punching above his weight with me. Again, I'm not vain- I thought we were two equals.
That is true, consistency is absolutely the key to me right now. To start with, his moods dictated mine, if he was distant, I would, if he was angry, I'd give him the silent treatment. Now I would like to think I'm calmer, I'm learning what is and isn't my problem. Mood matching is codependent and unhealthy, I understand that now. So I shall give him glimpses at the steady, strong woman that I am. In sha Allah I hope we can
Good insight, Cherry. I never thought about mood-matching before, but you are right, it's not a good pattern to get into. I'm going to have to keep my eyes out for that tendency in myself.
I showed L-friend a pic of H's OW way back in June (before she dumped WH), and he said the same thing, that my WH had affaired-down. Shrug.
You sound like you're doing better Miss C. Keep on keeping on.
(((((Cherry)))))
PsySara
I watched MWD videos today about the last resort technique
Did you buy this or is it just the YouTube stuff? I did think about buying this but wondered if you found it added to the book(s) or not.
Sorry for hijacking Cherry!
Surfer.
Ladies,
I think all WS affair down too or rather, the OM/W affair up. I think a lot of it is someone trying to get a hook into your S. Why would they go for someone that does not fit the mould of what they want - they want attractive, security, kind etc. I think the Ws is actually just flattered to some degree and accepts the advance - then runs with it. At some point the wheels come off (often). Just MHO.
Surfer.
Surfer m, you're right. I think it is all to do with the fact that someone is giving them attention and how that makes them feel. It's not really anything about that person that is special, it's just all about how the ws feels getting that attention. They effectively are just a yes man feeding the ego of a bruised fragile person.
And thanks phoebe, I'm trying my best to keep on keeping on.
Dear Cherry,
Are you getting enough sleep?
I'm probably not, some days it's about 6 hours of broken sleep. My bladder wakes me rather frequently throughout the night.
I hate the constant I need to go pee sensation. And when you get to the toilet, you realised it wasnt worth waking up for it...
Ladies,
I think all WS affair down too or rather, the OM/W affair up. I think a lot of it is someone trying to get a hook into your S. Why would they go for someone that does not fit the mould of what they want - they want attractive, security, kind etc. I think the Ws is actually just flattered to some degree and accepts the advance - then runs with it. At some point the wheels come off (often). Just MHO.
Surfer.
I think they do affair down and I agree that attention plays a factor. I've heard from many people that XW has affaired down and that ow cannot even hold a candle... I've heard many things about her looks and personality and she is practically my polar opposite from the fact that she's very young and immature and insecure to our actual physical appearances are completely opposite. She is nothing of what my XW says she wants...and yet. there she is.
Grl you are so right, I think the baby things my bladder is a cushion!
Maybs, I think most of us say the same the AP is physically not what they usually go for, nor is their personality. This girl he claims he isn't seeing, fake fake! Not too attractive, not a strong woman, a b!tchy woman, a woman who sleeps around, manipulative. The more I find out and hear about her the more I cannot believe he gives her the time. But it truly isn't about them, they're just a pair of ears and a mouth telling them what they wanna hear. At some point they will probably show their true colours. His last ow did, and she went cray cray when he broke it off. He had a realisation moment that he had been an idiot, and he didn't know why he got involved. I try my best not to focus on her, it is neither worth it, gets me nowehere. And I'm in a different league to her!
He had an argument with his mom I didn't know about. I asked him when he came home if he wanted food and he blew up at me. I didn't raise to it, I left it at that and kept my distance, he later came and apologised to me, I thanked him for the apology and I left it at that. No point rising to it. I swear my patience gets tested at times. But I know that a few weeks I would have matched his anger, but now by just walking away and leaving it I did the right thing. Plus it's a 180 to the old me. I'm proud that this is now starting to become my new second nature. I feel more peace and less anxiety and leave things be.
re: the AP
well said Cherry!!
PsySara
I watched MWD videos today about the last resort technique
Did you buy this or is it just the YouTube stuff? I did think about buying this but wondered if you found it added to the book(s) or not.
Sorry for hijacking Cherry!
Surfer.
I bought the videos. There is some overlap between the books but there is also some information that dovetails nicely. It also helped immensely with boosting a PMA.
Cherry,
When I was pregnant I used to wish I could catheterize myself before bedtime so I could just sleep through, lol. At least I was bale to get back to sleep though, once the baby arrived the sleep deprivation reached a whole new level. Are you going to have someone around after you give birth to help out? A toddler and a newborn are very challenging.
Good job on not rising to the bait, Cherry!
I hope 2nd ow shows her cray cray side soon too.
I agree with Sara. Do you have someone to help out? Your mil?
Me too, I would sit back and watch the carnage knowing that it's none of my doing!
Cathertising sounds like a good idea! I think the bladder sitch is natures way of getting you used to sleep deprivation! Yeah luckily mil will be there to help with toddler, also whilst I'm in labour/hospital. I think my mama would take time off to should I want.
Funnily enough I haven't seen ow at work recently, I think she hides away from me. Yano, as cowards do! I'm ready to not rise. If I can stay calm near wh, I can certainly keep calm near her. I fooshily thought I could manage some shopping on the drive to work this morning, that has kinda drained me a little and now I'm sat in my office thinking if I close my blinds, can I sleep?! They should really give nap breaks for moms to be!
At least you will sleep well tonight. You are probably asleep already!
All seems fairly quiet from you today. Any progress you can see or just stalemate?
Surfer.
No, I'm still awake, typical.
Ugh no update. I've been at work all day, he apparently went out after me and hasn't been back since. Wednesday was the day he said he would look after S, though he hasn't for a good few months. He did say to his mum that he is finding this really hard and is hurting. This doesn't make much sense to me as this is what he said he wanted, he is doing all that he wanted, so why is he hurting? I know m there's no point thinking this through but every now and again it plays on my mind. He seems to visit his L on Wednesdays, so I've tried to push this out of my mind. He told me weeks ago he filed so not worth thinking it through.
Didn't he also say he has a house that he is renting too?
He's hurting because he is confused and depressed. He is probably cycling through guilt, shame, disrespect for himself.......feeling alone.
Don't try and think through it. It only hurts you. I've had a bucket load today.
Bedtime. I hope you sleep as soundly as I will tonight.
Surfer.
Yeah he says he has paid rent the past 2 months, and had the keys since then. He says he will move out within 2 weeks. I'm not sure why he hasn't moved anything or packed anything.
I know you are right, the over thinking does only hurt me. I will never be able to understand his actions, as he probably doesn't understand them neither. His spew mainly seems to be directed to his mom right now. I don't even see him. He tells her that he cannot live here as he feels suffocated. He didn't direct that at me, but I'm guessing he is meaning the household. When he says things like this I just don't see that there is much hope.
Shall try and get some rest, work all over again tomorrow
So last night, it hit me like a truck for some reason. And I cried, quite a lot. I felt a lot of sadness for the man that he was, the r that was. And I thought about how soon he is going to be gone and soon I will be divorced. I don't cry about this often, and I thought I was in a more acceptance place where I knew I had no control and that this was going to happen.
This morning, I do feel I have released a valve and some sadness. I've still got myself up and sorted and off to work. I'm planning on working from home for some of the day, so then I can take S out and enjoy him for a few hours.
But some sadness is lingering, and I'm not happy about this. I did feel last night like sending wh a message of how I feel, but my logical brain kivcked in and I thought would it actually change anything? The answer is no, he doesn't want to hear that I love him. I don't know if it's common when everything is on the edge of being finalised that the lbs has feelings of persuing that appear? I'm glad today that I didn't do that. Surely it would look like a backslide to my work of being detached and letting him make the decisions that he is.
The one thing I did hear wh say to his mom was that I have wished him well. That's not really what I've said to him at all. I have told him that this is not what I want, but I realise that I cannot stop him. He has took my validation as my blessing.
So all in all today, in a bit disappointed in the feeling of sadness lingering, I haven't let this stop me from getting up and getting on with my day. I could quite easily of stayed in bed and had a wallowing day, but I haven't. I'll keep on keeping on. Maybe this sadness will crop up every now and again. Idk.
The one thing I did hear wh say to his mom was that I have wished him well. That's not really what I've said to him at all. I have told him that this is not what I want, but I realise that I cannot stop him. He has took my validation as my blessing.
Cherry dear,
Do not mind read or interpret what he said...
It is not his way of taking your validation as a blessing...
It is simply the WS script of thinking,saying,and doing what they need to do to pursue their path...nothing more, nothing less...
Steer your thought and interpretations away as it benefits you not.
I am sorry to hear of the sadness that you are experiencing...
It hurts, but seems a necassary part of the process LBS goes through...it catches me still, but the pain hurts less and the relief after is more refreshing.
Be well today you strong, sassy, gorgeous young lady and mother.
You continue to be in my prayers.
(((Cherry)))
How I hate this pain that we lbs go through.
Maybe the next time you talk about the D, you could just say that you don't want the D and you are willing to fight for the M bevause it is worth fighting for.
Leave out his part in it.
I am so sorry for your pain.
Guys thank you for the support. It has been a difficult day. The last couple days I've began to properly feel little flips and kicks of baby, I take time in my day to just sit and gently tap my tummy, and I feel baby. It's like meditating, it's relaxing and I'm bonding. But then the sadness comes that he isn't bothered to know about these things, let alone share this moment. He was so excitable when I was pregnant with S. He would read up on developments in the pregnancy and with baby, and he would talk to my bump, so then S could recognise his voice. Then when he was born, he was the most protective and loving father. I feel for this baby not having or knowing that. And I feel the pain that S doesn't understand why his loving dad who he spent so much time with, he doesn't see.
Grl, that's a good idea. But I think I've said this so many times he just doesn't hear it anymore, he doesn't care. But I'll continue to say I don't want this.
I've lots to do today so I've got to keep it together. But I do feel I'm truly holding off the tears, so going to take my laptop home and go do my work from there. Being in a work environment and people asking if I'm ok because I'm quieter than normal I can't quite deal with, I think at some point I'll just break. I don't want anyone seeing my tears. I don't want him to see my tears, he doesn't get to see that side anymore.
I'm going to read DR again, refocus myself and gain some strength back. I know I'm strong and I'll get through this. But sometimes even the strongest warriors break down at times.
I'm going to read DR again, refocus myself and gain some strength back. I know I'm strong and I'll get through this. But sometimes even the strongest warriors break down at times.
There is much wisdom and truth in your words here my dear Cherry...
Continueing to seek knowledge provides you with more tools to create success for your journey...
Refocus is good to evaluate what works, what does not, and where our goals stand in relation to our current place...
Rest is a needed step to gain strength, to do so effectively and with balance helps us push on...
You are strong...much more so with each passing day...strength comes through resistance and resolve to push through it...this you are doing well.
Your words resonate with me as I have a quote that I have kept close to me of late as I stumble...
"There must be those among whom we can sit down and weep and still be counted as warriors." ~Adreienne Rich
Cherry, continue to know that we are those that you can sit down and weep, and we will still count you as a warrior... I count you as a Warrior Queen who is Nobel and worthy of only a Warrior King of the same caliber...mark my words, you will be with a King worthy of your love before your story comes to a conclusion.
Lovely SH, you had me weeping reading that! Maybe I am on a hormonal day! I think I'm really beating myself up for last night and today. The pain for some reason today feels similar to that from the bd day.
I've got paperworking I've been digging out for financial help once he leaves. So to go through this, I've had to search through papers, momentous, cards, keepsakes all in the same box (obviously I hadn't considered a divorce when I mixed these things together). So I've weeped but carried on through the tears.
It's strange but this feels like I'm mourning a man who is long gone. I seem to have separated the before him and the current him in my mind.
Reading db to spur me on and motivate me and help me help myself. I feel like there is no saving this m. But there is saving me in this.
I really do thank you lovely people, especially on days like today, the support prop is good when I'm feeling a little weak. I had very reduced sleep last night, I spent all night crying and must have got about 4 hours sleep. Everything always seems worse when exhausted
(((Cherry))), I'm so sorry you are having a tough couple of days. Off course you are gong to get emotional so don't beat yourself up about it. You are potentially going through a D whilst being pregnant and caring for a toddler. At this time you naturally need your H for support and to share in the development of your little chick. I am sad for him that he has chosen to miss these important days.
You really couldn't have it any tougher and seeing as you have kept stoic for such a long time is credt to your strong character.
I think you know that H understands you don't want this D, you have told him enough times and your ML is also aware. It's up to him now to do the right thing whether it's the right thing for him as he sees it or for you as a couple/family.
Hug your little boy a bit tighter and give your growing belly lots of strokes, no need to tell you that they deserve more of your attention than H at the moment. Look after yourself Cherry. X
Ps - love SH's quote. Made me tear up a bit too....
(((Cherry)))
Your sitch tugs at my heart strings, and even when I don't post, I am still checking in on you. I am in your corner and have faith that life will get better for you. I feel that you are continually wronged by your WH and it's not fair to you or the babes that he is still coming/going as he pleases. He needs to get out if he is still cheating, which it appears he has been (a PA) all along. I have never doubted that.
So then I had another thought, and excuse me if my words are not carfully enough chosen. Is your WH keeping you down and as a perpetual victim and what can you do to change that? Have you read about power, victimization, victimhood, and the drama triangle? I am by no means an expert but my fear is that you have been stripped of power by this man and have now found some power in being a victim. This is not a criticism but could be a natural human response to all of the trauma you have faced. In fact looking back at my sitch I can see how when I rallied support from IC, family, and friends, it was often from this position that he was in the wrong and I was the wronged one; it was a relief and empowering to not be the one wrong doing, but I didnt actually empower myself to move forward. I was showered with support, but I paralyzed myself by not taking control of my life.
I hope that we as a DB community are not holding you back by reinforcing this. When you outline your hardships, we all want to protect you, bash your WH, and then shower you in complements for not giving up and being "the better person." I hope that by doing this, you are not remaining paralyzed and waiting for him to turn around and notice.
So how can we help you get your power back, find healthy strength, and prepare for a life without him? I think it starts with you taking a strong position and kicking him to the curb, as his living there is clearly toxic for you. Then you can find some peace and prepare your nest for the next baby without him. What is holding you back from telling him to get out now? I think you will feel so much better when he's gone!
Blu
I agree with Blu. Take the power back and show him that what he is doing is not acceptable. He had dragged his feet for far too long to your detriment.
You are a strong woman Cherry but he is taking advantage of your situation so you are getting more and more emotional.
Bubble wrap, boxes, sticky tape....
Blu, I hadn't even heard of that, I will for sure have a read into that. He probably does see it that way, as he is hurt that my mil has took my side in this. Bare in mind, I have not done anything to influence this, I have acted as peace negotiator between the two of them, and haven't told her our conversations as I didn't want to put her in that position. But she is a very strong woman, she has been through my situation and knows she struggled her whole life because of how she was treated by his dad and her xh. I think it has just brought up a lot of emotions for her and he has become the person she always told him not to be. But I know that he is probably holding resentment towards me because of that. Not to mention the office gossips.. a lot of the potential spew I could chuck has been done by observers and nothing in the slightest to do with me. I'm a private person so I don't air my views to anyone.
I don't think I have been held back, I had been getting to a much more peaceful place of acceptance. It's just the last few days I've struggled with it more. The raging hormones and sadness for the children kinda floored me.
I wish I had seen this before he came to check if I was ok. I kinda got upset in front of him. I admitted I was sad about this situation, and that I know he is going and it's the end. And I said how I was feeling the baby and it made me sad. He kinda sat looking vacant. And said "I told you I was going, I'll be gone next week" then he went on to tell me how he feels like running away from everything and everyone. How he feels let down by his mom. He's had enough of gossips and bla bla. When he began to turn into a spew fest, although not directed at me, I validated all I could. But eventually excused myself.
I realised he is so so deep in this fog, he is incapable in the slightest to think about anyone else.
I'm not sure what's holding me back from physically kicking him out, probably my own hurt and emotion. Maybe I too am in my own fog.
I now have my new material to read up on. And I'll get back to reading DR for some focus. And I shall get back to trying to trudge on. Maybe it's my pushing myself too much recently that's worn me down a bit. I'm trying to be strong for MIL, trying to protect S and probably overcompensating for the fact his dad isn't around, and the pain of seeing your child upset because they don't understand; the pain I feel for the baby who won't know him. Plus on top of that, I've had so much work on recently, and then the hospital scares last week. I think I've just allowed everything to pile up on me that it's beaten me down a little.
I need to take stock. I can explain to work what I have going on, and maybe delegate a few responsibilities to others to take that load off me. And try to get myself off to sleep earlier. I can maybe take a step back from trying to be Mrs fix it and explain to MIL that it's getting tough to try to carry her pain too. And where S is concerned I probably won't ever stop using every ounce of strength to protect him, I'm sure he knows he is loved by his mama. And where this baby is concerned, I need to recognise that this baby won't know any different, so long as baby has his/her mama, food and love, that's all they could want. As for the bond with wh, that's ultimately his loss. Not mine or babies. .
I like your plan Cherry.
You are carrying too much. Let go of what is not within your control. Don't carry the burden for your mil. Her R with wh is not your circus. Neither is your s's R with his Dad.
Ask for lighter responsibilities at work. This is what I have done. You have many things going on.
Don't worry about the rumour mills at work. It is adding pressure to your wh and ow. Maybe that's why he's getting into a deeper funk.
Cherry, time to get rid of the monkeys on your back. You are taking on and worrying too much.
Having suffered from perinatal and post-natal depression, I understand how it can cast a pall on everything in life and make you anxious and exacerbates the bad.
Have you talked to your health practitioner about your sitch? Are you seeing a counsellor or a therapist?
I find that music makes a lot of difference for me. I stopped listening to mopey love songs and only tune in to spiritual or uplifting music.
I keep active because it keeps my mind occupied and my body fit. And the endorphins released are really useful. Have you tried looking at yoga?
You are a strong and attractive woman. I know you know that you can survive without your h. But the head says one thing and your heart says another, don't they?
You cannot understand how your h can throw away everything. That's the thing. You may never understand. And it's not your job to understand.
That is his circus. That is his choice.
You are doing great. I dont see that you're doing anything to push him away. You're being a lighthouse. You have dobe such a great job at being a w that he is going to feel the difference when he moves out. Skank definitely can't provide him that.
If his spew is getting you down, maybe you should just go dim and excuse yourself. If you don't feel up to it, you don't have to listen to him.
Protect yourself and your little one first.
Grl, you are so right. I just seem to have developed into fix it mode and trying to save everyone else.
I was striving for a promotion at work, which would have meant a bit extra money (that will end up back to the tax man). I'm going to push that out of my mind and delegate some of my workload. I may also reduce my hours so I can get some more rest. My health and that of my baby come first right now. I think I was on a one woman mission to prove I could still do a powerful job and juggle pregnancy and life. Though I think if people truly knew what I was juggling, they would be amazed!
I don't particularly worry about the gossips anymore. Yes sometimes it isn't nice to know people are talking about you, but I think mainly the focus on him and ow. Though I don't really like the "poor her" treatment or the "you're well rid" advise. Still, not my problem.
Yeah the midwifery team are aware that I am being treated for depression, the obstetrician and gp decided it is important for me to stay on the anti d's throughout. I'm awaiting an appointment on a ic. And I will be monitored by a mental health midwifery team. I believe my workplace can arrange private ic appointments, so I may enquiry there and see if I can get an appointment any quicker.
Thank you
yeah I'm trying to avoid weepy romantic music. Uplifting powerful woman tracks I like!
I do swimming when I get the time, I'm quite interested in taking up an aquanatal or pregnancy yoga class. I did yoga throughout my last pregnancy too and I found that helped me stay as healthy as poss (and a bonus was I snapped back pretty much into shape straight away- I was all baby and water retention!)
I guess I've kind of gone past the stage of beleiveing he will feel a loss when he moves (maybe I'm trying to protect myself). But you're right, I need to kind of find some peace in the fact that I may never understand what has happened.
(((Cherry)))
It sounds like you've got your planning pat down.
I was due for promotions too but I realised that at this point in life, I just can't deal with the extra stress. I wanted to prove that I was better than tpt and do better than her. But what the heck. I am not her. I don't want to be her and I don't want to prove anything to them.
Good that you're not paying any attention to the rumour mills. And you're right. He may or may not realise what an a$$ he is. And even if he does, he may not tell you.
This is where we wear the superhero cape, Cherry. Of accepting an apology that may never come. Of letting go of the hurt from a person who may never look behind to see the trail of destruction. We may not forgive them. We may not forget. But we can let go of the hurt that is holding us back.
Superbabe Cherry, you don't have to be perfect because you already are wonderful the way you are.
Cherry,
Sorry - I've not seen all this.
You are cycling through grief. Remember when it starts you have vast waves crashing down on you. They become less frequent but can still take yhttps://www.google.com/maps/@40.8093353,-73.5121477,12z/data=!5m1!1e1our feet. They will become less frequent and eventually will feel much less painful. You will see from my posts that we are syncro-cycling (so I literally do understand how you have been feeling in real time). I have just 'lost it' over the last few weeks concentrate on getting back to your knees first. You can stand later. Then back in the saddle of DB'ing fully!!
https://www.google.com/maps/@40.8093353,-73.5121477,12z/data=!5m1!1e1
You H has been talking to you, even having decent conversations recently, he has then detached again by the sounds of it, my WW has done the exactly the same. It is so, so cruel, and if it's not this, the grief is so cruel. We grieve, I believe ("that https://www.google.com/maps/@40.8093353,-73.5121477,12z/data=!5m1!1e1rhymes" - sorry, grow up Surfer!) because we have not let go. Because we still long for their love in the way we love them. It's very strange, as you can probably deal with a death more efficiently in some cases, yet they are not dead...very weird, granted but dead, no.
My WW said this so many times too "(s)he feels like running away from everything and everyone". And added, "can you imagine how I feel if I am saying that I understand how women just leave their children". I have to ask myself this, how can you possibly level at me anything which would legitimately be down to me that would make you do this. At the time, we were "co-habiting". She appeared to have lost it 'mentally' and was really struggling (for a long time). I hated to see it but all I could do was eggshell walk and try to avoid spew. It was horrible to see and horrible to be part of. I would not ever wish it on anyone - and I truly mean that.
Why do they say this? Again, so many have said - don't try and work it out. But we almost can't help it. We are almost addicted to thinking about these negative things. It's like crack to the brain. You can only stop this grief process by not thinking about it (by detaching). Think about something else or think positive (pattern interruption) is going to be today's mantra for you and I lady!
I think Blu mentioned the Drama Triangle. I have had to learn to understand lots of this as this definitely happened to me. I am going to focus on that again in all interactions with my W. There is a book called The Games People play, by Eric Berne that is useful too. There is a useful DT link below.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E_XSeUYa0-8What is going on with the DT is a bit weird. It's kind of addiction to the victim role/acceptance of it (oddly your brain can get addicted to the habit - so pattern interruption helps; see above). You first have to spot the pattern before interrupting. I didn't think I needed this anymore but perhaps I need to keep in check. You might be spotting a pattern in your relationship or simply a pattern in your behaviour.
This is what happened for me, it may help. When we were living together my W used to open with a Victim position ("I am so sad about..") I would then want to be the Rescuer ("try not to think like that if you can, it's hurting you, how about this...?"). She would then turn the conversation on a pin ("you don't care, you never cared" [this would then become venom, spew and rage for hours - the kids would be asleep and woken and it was horrid, truly horrid. Without question the most frightening nights/days/months of my life - I have tears in my eyes even thinking about it]). I was then pushed in to Victim - defending myself by her turning Persecutor. It only stopped when I learned to end the game (I had to understand the DT to do this). Ending is walk away and set boundaries - I never knew how to, I was too 'nice/soft'. You wouldn't ever know if you met me however. You would think confident - trust me.
I tell you this as I think there is something useful here and I agree whilst you are helped by earlier mentioned sympathy and understanding posts (I can see that) it can result in sitting in the Victim Role. I know this, as I can do this too. It's probably a habit, a familiar feeling as the Victim. But you are not. My WW and I went to couples counselling and the counsellor told me someone has made me feel unlovable. I now know it was my W (I have let others do that too - they carry 5% of the blame). However, in reality the blame (if blame is the word) is mine - "I let them".
So here's something, do what you have been doing really well. Get back to your knees, then feet, then back in the saddle. You are not the Victim in the drama triangle you are the Casual Validator. What's the alternative, be the person that sits in the Victim role?
You have said your previous BF victimised you. If your MIL suffered this at hand of FIL, your WH may be looking to replicate his parents relationship (it often happens - for eg. MY MIL often dishes silent treatment [witholding], high levels of criticism etc to FIL). He may have seen this and have a hard wired problem of expecting this - i.e. unrealistic expectations of how your marital relationship should work. I think we all have this to some degree (on both sides of the fence).
You don't want the Victim role remember - he has said you should be "begging" to make this work - i.e. he doesn't like your strength. What do you want to be Strong or Victim? Also, your children are watching and will copy. What do you want them to be? Strong or Victim - potentially suffering the same relationship further down the line?
Just observations. I hope they help you today and going forward.
Surfer.