cheesyt2 There's a link to my old thread.
journaling -So I woke up dreaming of W. Didn't make me super sad, until I realized my saturday's have all been random now. I used to have a schedule. (I like schedules, I like knowing what I'm supposed to do) I really wanted to go eat breakfast. We used to do that. I would've gone with a friend, but one is out of town the other was still asleep. I contemplated going alone.. I've done so many things alone already. I don't think I'm ready to tackle that one just yet.
I have no real GAL activities today. They're all tomorrow. Today just "adulting" -errands. Which should be nice. Later my roommate is having a few friends over for dinner. Roommate wants to introduce her kids to new boyfriend in a group setting. Roommate constantly tells me she admires my work and not giving up on my M. She's mentioned that she wishes she'd tried a little harder instead of just giving into exh requests to D. Roommate is THE only person that agrees with me having some hope / DB. The only divorced friend is the only one that supports me in that way. All my other friends think I need to file for D and "leave". funny how that works.
Tomorrow around 3am a few of us from my running group are going to hike a 14er a few hrs away in the mountains. It'll be my first one. I'm excited. That should take most day, then family game night.
W has been silent since yesterday that she texted to figure out pick up schedule for D. I was last to text, a new song I discovered that I thought she might like. never heard back.
-still here, trying to adjust to my new life.
It's funny how that works isn't it.
My best friend has been divorced twice. And she is the biggest advocate for me to stay and try to work on things and not give in.... No one else really gets it.
Maybe it's that they have the perspective that we don't. They know what D looks like on the other side. My friend always says "if I had known then what I know I would never have gotten D the first time."
I've read studies about divorce and most people do regret it. And second marriages are really happier. And most people who stay when "unhappy" report having a great M within 5 years.... It's really about perspective. Like to WW they're so unhappy and can't go one more second without happiness but ironically by leaving. And D'ing they are quite possibly setting themselves up to be even more unhappy and unfulfilled than if they had just stayed.
I wish I could get my W to read those studies. But even if she did she would probably think she's the exception....
Maybs, I know from my WW she definitely views our marriage as the exception. All of her friends tell her, apparently, that their Hs are perfect and they have no problems in their Ms. I don't think our WWs have any inkling how common these situations are. No way I could convince my wife of that.
Cheesyt, that hike sounds great! I love doing that kind of stuff and have been looking for a group around here to join. I've thought about taking a week off work too and hiking a portion if the Appalachian trail to get away from this mess too. Love being outdoors! Enjoy your GAL tomorrow, very jealous!
maybs- yes our D's friends seem to know the real struggle while our non D friends think of short term pain.
lt0402- hike got cancelled. it snowed up in the mountains. too cold.
another day dreaming of W- I was dropping her off at airport and asked if she wanted a D, that I had seen a few D lawyers. W gave me a surprised look and asked why I was looking into D she said she did not want D and was thinking about everything and possibly coming back. -not cool to wake up from that dream!
W texted me a selfie last night, saying thank you for some earrings I gave her a long time ago. and "love them." W had told me to return them a few weeks ago but I told her no, she can do it. W was wearing them for a little get together birthday party for one of her friends (W always talks sh!t about her so not sure why they're friends) and D had a sleep over at her friends. (I know all this from D, no longer press for details, just listen to D) I replied with you're welcome and they look nice. I debated on what and If to reply, spoke to a friend and because of W's self confidence issues and me not supporting her dangly earring look I wanted to make sure W felt supported, and I'm pretty sure she was looking for some sort of "looks" validation from me. otherwise why send the pic? a simple thank you would've been enough.
Last night was nice. met roommates new bf, and some of her neighbors and friends. good time.
No activities today. I am still in bed and its almost noon. Felt nice to sleep in. It's nice to not have responsibilities but I wish I had something to do! Getting up and going downtown to walk around and get coffee. Meeting with D and W later for family game night. Nervous and excited about that.
How was family game night?
Family game night. what a day!
I got to the house, with pizza and salad as we had planned. W was on computer my new least favorite place...as "School" work on computer was code for "dont bother me i'm texting om". but anyway D was on couch, I came in yelled hello, no word. Walked into living room W didnt bother to say hi, neither did D. I sat next to her and she was crabby. I went downstairs to clean out cat litter as promised. took a peak in our old room (without W knowing), lighter (w's friends smoke, on MY side dresser) new / different charger, not iphone one that belongs to W, on my side too. (perhaps someone new?) two pillows, one on her side one on mine (but I took my pillow so she's only had one for a while).
W came down shortly whispered to me that D is in one of her crabby moods and was making W angry. I thought, oh great, an indicator of the night. went back upstairs asked D if she was hungry D nodded but W didnt see so W said rudely "did you hear her, she asked if you were hungry". D responded to W. (It felt good to have my W make sure D was being respectful). I signaled D to go sit at dining room table. W got plates, I prepared our salad bowls. No Tomato for W extra croutons. just as she likes her salad. sat down and small talked. D's school, sleepover the previous night, friends, mall, earrings. everything. W talked about her little party last night. W asked me to tell her about my side job, I was pretty vague. W also asked how I was, changed the subject and avoided telling her. W also suggest I get a band aid for my thumb (have some weird blood wart/blister that popped today. I had a make shift band aid) I politely declined her nurse-like help. played our board game. W brought phone out, and played the song I texted her the other day. Not sure why, I feel like she played it for me. But who knows. W also had phone screen up, that's never happened as far as I recall. Even before BD. I read somewhere if they keep their phone down they're hiding something so for her to not only NOT be on it the whole time and to have it face up is big, in my book. Not sure in what way or what exactly it says, but it says a lot. We played a few games then W asked D to get her backpack. D brought out all the papers from the first week that parents have to fill out. W and I looked at them, I asked W if i could help filling them out, W said yes. W filled out a paper that said list your direct family members W listed... W, Me and D's Father. much to my surprise. I'm sure it's nothing, maybe even because I was there but I was surprised nonetheless. (as I am a step-parent, that W no longer is "married" to) We talked a little bit about scheduling before sending D off to finish putting her clean clothes away. I went down with D to chat and have some 1 on 1. I said my goodbyes after. Walked upstairs to get something form living room and say bye to W. W was on my side of couch, (she took it over once I left, she says she prefers my side, not a big deal just weird) W got up immediately and pointed out one of my shirts that I left there. reminding me to take it. I said thank you again, and was about to walk down stairs when W beat me to it. W walked down to the door and was not blocking it, but standing sort of in the way. I figured she wanted to chat more so I sat on the stairs...We chatted about D. I told W I ordered some stuff for D to please not open package. Talked about D wanting her new winter jacket (it's in W's closet) Then I got up to leave. W lingered, I wanted to linger, but I remember, No lingering. W said bye and reached in for hug. I made it a quick one said thanks for having me. W said of course. and I was on my way.
thoughts over all...
1. I felt like we were a family, not the same one...a better one.
2. Loved the phone thing...puts me at ease.
3. not crazy about weird things on my side of bed, but it could be D's tablet charger or phone charge... and Idk about the lighter.
4. I like that W wanted a hug. That always feels good. also liked she blocked the door. I had made it clear no hug would be initiated in my part.
5. loved that she included me on the immediate family paper. again could've been cus I was there but I'll take it.
6. D tests W...a lot, as she always has, but It was nice to let W be the mean one and I just sat there.
I made sure I was smiling most of the time, we laughed (W told me she knew she loved me when she heard my "real" laugh 6 years ago so I'm always conscious of that) we had a good family game night. So many variables, so many things that could be going on. I'm trying not to over think it. I left happy. for once. I didn't cry. (leaving my Family after gatherings is by far the hardest part of this all) was sure W would temp check me by text after I left but she didn't. and that's ok. don't need to have any interaction with W until tuesday. as W asked If I could take D to soccer practice. I said yes because even though W needs me to, and like always i'm there, I'll take the extra 1 hr I'll get with D.
my goal is to be a better parent. Even If the D happens and Daughter never sees me again, I want her to look back and not be screwed up in the brain because of me. I hope that in the process W see's i'm not a crappy parent as she painted me to be (I was just different than what she wanted, but I can adjust when circumstances change, i.e W is able to be more present because of school/work) and finally, W to see that together we make a better parenting team, and marriage.
I know I went into a lot of detail about the night, but I feel its important to try and remember everything. thanks for reading / input!
-missing my W
It sounds like you had a positive and fun family night!! I'm glad that you had some fun!!
Agree, sounds like a very positive experience cheesyt!
I know what you're talking about on the phone thing. My WW has laid her phone face down for months, even pre-BD. She's leaving it face up more now, but I chalk it up to her having figured out how to turn off notifications.
Even though it feels good, I'd offer you don't read too much into it. It could set you up for disappointment in the future. Just note that it's a change in behavior and to quote Chief Wiggum, "Move along, nothing to see here..."
Keep with the positive momentum though! So happy to hear that you had a good time at your game night!
Hi Cheesy, anything new since Sunday? The confusing messages are sometimes so hard -- but they keep us hoping, don't they?
NYGal, they stress me out. make me worry and make me want to run the opposite direction.
made the terrible mistake of creeping on XOM's facebook...their R is over and are no longer fbook friends so I check occasionally to see if it's started back up. I know its bad, once they are friends again I'll have an emotional breakdown.
ventured to W's fbook. something I truly NEVER do. looked at a few recent pics. W looks so happy. doubt drowns my mind. why would she want to R if she's so happy and better without me?
1. I understand pictures can be deceiving, mainly like mine, I seem so happy and I'm a mess inside, BUT she's the one that wanted this, so why would her pics lie?
2. W got rid of what makes her unhappy...me.
3. W no longer has W like responsibilities. she's SINGLE she does whatever she pleases.
Tomorrow marks 5 months...5 long and dreadful months since my W returned from that horrible terrible life altering trip. I honestly have no idea how i'm still here. I thought I couldn't make it a day...a week...one month. I remember 3 months like it was yesterday. I'm almost half way to a year. Time flies when sh!t hits the fan. I read somewhere that it takes roughly one month per year for spouse to something about anger. anyway, almost to 6, our 6 years. Also read somewhere that it takes 3weeks to 6months for spouse to get over "in love" with affair person....
I literally cannot even formulate a complete thought anymore.
Headed to pick D up from school taking her to soccer until W arrives... Wont have real time with D, just shuttling around. cake eating since I'm there when W cant? W did say she can figure it out, as she has been, but offered ME the first pick.
I have so much work. I need to get out of my head.
update. had a longer encounter than I was prepared for with w. W texted me about when class was supposed to start that class got canceled. that she'd see me and D at the field. Also said she had a chair for me. (which is funny because I debated going and buying each of us a chair but my friend advised against this)
D in the car told me she has good and bad newws. my heart dropped. she said the good news was that W had stopped seeing the "person" she was dating. I asked what the bad news was, D said she was just kidding she only had good news. I changed the subject. No idea who she was dating. D didn't say if it's a man or woman. took a lot to not ask.
we get there at the same time. I head toward W's car, it smelled of perfume (I'm assuming she had just put it on since perfume dies out after a while) W looked amazing as always. We sat on the field, quickly realized sun was too hot so we moved, W told me where to park my chair so I did. W sat behind / next to me. Not sure why. W was not on phone yet. We made small talk, D school, soccer, scheduling. (all conversations we had previously had...) W complained about the soccer expenses. I sighed, and I didnt catch myself but W did. W asked what was wrong, I said nothing. W said no something's wrong I said no just stressing about work and school. W asked a few questions about school, work. Apologized that she didn't know class would get canceled, said I could leave to go get work done. I politely declined and said I had planned to be here and can deal with work early in the am or later. W mentioned my sandals were nice (I've had these all summer, she's never made a comment) she asked where I bought them. I said thank you and told her. W took a few mins..
W- you don't really want to talk to me do you?
Me- not at all you're kind of far and behind me hard to talk behind my back
W stayed silent...then as always her phone started buzzing. W laughed, mentioned the neighbor kid texted her about D. W then did something I did not expect...W moved her hair closer to me. Not right next, she was still at a distance but she picked up and moved. I was in awe. (the old me would've apologized immediately for making her feel this way and moved my chair toward her) we continued to talk about practice. It was over, we packed up met the coach. Introduced ourselves. I as the step parent of course. Then I said bye to D talked hugged and kissed her. Turned toward my car and waved bye to W. A few mins later W calls saying they were going to go out for dinner asking If i wanted to join. I politely declined, no thank you I have a ton of homework, next time. W said ok, and we said bye.
what an encounter. a few key points.
1.I am starting to tell when W is not dating, she's a lot nicer to me and I can just feel her more "connected" to me, and she just talks more and laughs more with me.
2. This is her second relationship in 5 months. 1st one was a full on EA-PA and she was so "in love" (not sure I was posting on here but I did receive some texts meant for OM one night so I am confident she thought she was "in love" / D told me when W spoke on phone or facetime with OM they were saying I love you's)
3.I don't want to become that "In between" where she runs or turns to me while W's not seeing anyone. yet pushes me away and is crazy alien W when she is.
my main concrn is this:
4. My W has some serious self esteem and confidence issues. since day 1. I was always aware so I'm confident when I said I did not make negative comments about her looks. (I did once tell her something didn't look that great on her, which I didn't know W took as me telling her she was ugly, but I know now!) Because W fears rejection and these self esteem and confidence issues W rarely initiated anything, from basic hand holding to sex. W does not like and do well with rejection. So my Issues and question is this, -Why would W pursue me or want to get back in R if she feels rejected? for example me keeping it short and sweet makes her feel like I don't want to talk to her, declining dinner is rejecting spending time with her. Can someone give me some direction here? I feel like W will not pursue and think this is pointless if she feels unwanted by me. hellppppp.
thanks for reading my novel and for replying to me!
-gotta go build my bed!!!!
My experience is that it's important to keep the door open for reconciliation. If she reaches out in positive ways, accept it. Make your interactions loving and kind. She wants to know you're still there for her. I think it's ok that you decline some invitations. And whenever you accept them, make it a great, fun, no-pressure time. Then go on your merry way.
Cheesy, I have goosebumps and I love that D is such a joker! It was obvious that she knew that news would be important to you...
Cheesyt, I agree w/ NYGal. Pick your spots to spend time w/ her, but I think you're right to be worried about being the "In Between". I'm not sure how you balance being available and putting in a boundary around that. Hopefully some of the vets can help address that.
Regardless, you sound like you're doing well right now. Congrats on the new bed!
Sounds like a good evening Cheesyt!!
She wants to know you're still there for her.
NYGal - how will she feel a loss if I'm there for her? I'm conflicted as everything else points to the loss thing. why is my situation different? I feel so torn. Don't want cake eating!
coly- yes D is such a joker. drives me nuts sometimes! lol I'm glad D didn't tell me when she began dating, or who. I think I would fixate on that. I just need to know that it's over.
lt0402 - I agree more direction on this would be helpful!
hawker- it was. tonight W and I are taking D to get a couple more soccer things she needs. then back "home" for homework. I hope my W cooks dinner and invites me to stay. and I feel slightly lame for saying that. haha!
-had a rough day! too many negative thoughts, trying to push through.
Hope you have fun tonight! Push through!! I have been having negative thoughts today as well...ugh.....
I am all sorts of crazy emotions. I feel as though my DB was off today. Yesterday's encounter though I handled rather well was not carried over to today. Had a rough work day. Work was busy, I still cant sleep I feel like a 2 year old that hasn't taken their nap. Everything hurts. Was late to pick D up because I couldn't figure out some work stuff. W met D and I at the sporting goods store. (I asked her to) when I saw her I was so stressed from work and stuff I leaned in for hug. (Turns out she was just raising her hand to fix her hair) felt nice. I wanted to cry. I did ask D in car who's idea it was to invite me for dinner yesterday, D said it was W's. got "home" did some homework with D. W heated up left overs for D's dinner. W asked If I was hungry, I said yes. W offered leftover's I said ok lets eat, she said no just you. I said no thank you. W insisted I take some home, I said no thank you. W brought over bread and oil as a snack. (w ended up not eating anything) We hung out with D at the dinner table until D wanted to go out and play. I said bye, but W and I got caught up talking about her school. (W claimed I never wanted to listen...not sure why but I love listening to her talk nursing stuff) W suggested we sit outside on the deckh. W told me all about her clinicals. I listened and asked questions and really paid attention. Then... we began talking about her classmate, who is mad at the school so classmate was venting to W about not wanting to go to their graduation. W gave her this as advice -"you don't go to graduation for the school, you go for your kids and your husband who have been through this with you and know how difficult and hard you've work." I seriously almost lost my sh!t. I was and still am angry. I was there! I was there because I wanted to. So I never expected a thank you, but after I got a big eff you I kind of do! W is very aware of how hard and draining it is for the family members so why don't I get any recognition? a thank you. I'm angry...I'm angry because I helped her study..D and I gave up our time with her for her dream. I packed her lunch. I made sure I made dinner and lunch. I woke up at 4am before she left to keep her company. I scrapped snow off her car at 5am. I shoveled the paths so she wouldn't have to. I gave up MY schooling to help her through hers. I pushed her to go back to school. I supported her...I was and still am her biggest supporter and I feel like complete poop that I have no W, no family to show for all the sacrifice I made. I did this willingly, I did all this for love. No one asked me to. But at the end of the night, when all is said and done I sit here on my computer in my little basement room Alone, in pain and in tears. I think W really wants me there. W also asked yesterday If I was still planning on going. A friend told me that W asking again, and the comment about family W made earlier is obvious she wants me to go. I agree I think I'll break her heart If i don't go. However, now I think I'll just help her guilt. Part of me wants to not go just to hurt her. To "show her" what life without me is like. No #1 cheerleader.
I hugged her good bye. Not good DB. I spent time with my W yesterday and today. It was great. I do not think W is in a fog. I saw her fog with OM. This isn't fog in my eyes. W is very conscious, she comes alive when she talks about stuff she likes. W laughs, makes jokes, sweet, kind, caring...all of this and I am still not wanted. What a blow to the gut.
-I don't like this life. I hate this. I want my W and D back.
I feel your pain. Cheesy. I had an outburst like that yesterday. I just want my life back with my H to do the things we used to do. None of this is fair....
We all have our "emotional" days...we all want the way it was back...but we have to keep up with the darkness and moving forward...wanting something won't bring it back...keep getting out there and enjoying your friends, new friends, the sunshine....your kids!
-losing all my sanity today. In a very dark place today.
How is it that W can just move on as if the past 6 years meant nothing?! How is it that I was a HUGE part of her life and all of a sudden I am nothing?! I am nothing to her anymore. W is perfectly happy without me. W doesn't want or need me. How in the heck did that happen. How is this possible?!?!?!?!?
Hawker...
I struggled with the very same exact thing for months after Ms. Wonka left the marital house. It is as if a voice inside our heads is telling us, "what a loser, you couldn't keep W! what's wrong with you?"
Yeah, those nasty voices are not good at all. Try to find a way to engage in self-care activities and surround yourself with friends. Call one of them if not able to meet in person.
(((Hawker)))
I struggled with the very same exact thing for months after Ms. Wonka left the marital house. It is as if a voice inside our heads is telling us, "what a loser, you couldn't keep W! what's wrong with you?"
Yeah, those nasty voices are not good at all. Try to find a way to engage in self-care activities and surround yourself with friends. Call one of them if not able to meet in person.
How do you get out of it...? All I can think of is how great of a life W leads without me know.
I struggled with the very same exact thing for months after Ms. Wonka left the marital house. It is as if a voice inside our heads is telling us, "what a loser, you couldn't keep W! what's wrong with you?"
Yeah, those nasty voices are not good at all. Try to find a way to engage in self-care activities and surround yourself with friends. Call one of them if not able to meet in person.
How do you get out of it...?
All I can think of is how great of a life W leads without me know. That nasty and pesky mind-reading buddy rearin' its ugly head. During that stage, I worked really hard on thought stopping, re-directing my energy, and GALing. It is no good to sit on the couch doing naval gazing about W and the OW.
What a total waste of mental energy. I refused to allow OW to occupy space in my head rent-free. F@ck that! It was a mental effort to channel my focus elsewhere.
I have read many, many success stories when the WAS report back to the LBS after reconciling that they were really unhappy and miserable with the OW/OM. It was hard for them to climb back down from that wall after PROCLAIMING to all that they are "much happier" with the OW/OM. It is as if they said it out loud, therefore it must be 'true.'
This is why TIME is your friend. Use it or lose it. Meaning, use that valuable time you have to transform you into a very strong and interesting person while the OW is busy chasing some elusive fairy tale wisp "out there".
What are you going to do about YOU? That is the only thing you can control here. Not the Easter Bunny, not Father Christmas, not the Tooth Fairy.
((((Wonka))) you are AWESOME!!
Sorry Cheesyt, now I am hijacking! But you are correct that is exactly how I feel...I feel like a loser because my W left me...ugh...all my friends say she is the loser and she will regret it big time but I just want to keep GALing...my friends have been AWESOME and they hav helped me through so much already!! I am like you Wonka, I never say the OW name or never her bring her up, she is NOT work my time!!!!!!
Let's keep making this about us Cheesyt!!!!!
I have read many, many success stories when the WAS report back to the LBS after reconciling that they were really unhappy and miserable with the OW/OM. It was hard for them to climb back down from that wall after PROCLAIMING to all that they are "much happier" with the OW/OM. It is as if they said it out loud, therefore it must be 'true.'
What Wonka said is so true. These waywards just get caught up in something and feel they have to make it work or they have to admit they were wrong all along. That was the case for my W. She was very unhappy but felt she had to justify leaving me. But that's why we keep the door open. It's a balancing act, setting just the right boundaries so we can GAL and become better people, while being strong and independent, but not getting tooooooo far away. They have to see the path home. That's why I love the lighthouse story.
I'm no good at keeping the ow out of my mind. She rears her ugly rear everywhere I am, it seems. No sighting today, thankfully.
Keep your focus, Cheesy. Oh, and I'd go to graduation. You were part of the journey, and you should see the results. It shows her you still care, too.
thank you nygal and wonka for your awesome advice!
I was galing with a friend and MIL called me. Locked her keys in her car, W was unavailable. Told MIL I was at dinner with a friend but I would stop by after. MIL got a break just as I came back with spare. We walked and talked... MIL told me about a graduation party in a few weeks for W. MIL invited me, she said she checked with W and W said it was ok for me to come. It would only be family, the usual family from holidays. Aunts, Uncles, Cousins, BIL, and FIL (FIL and MIL have been separated since W was 11 or 12) I said I would think about it. MIL said I was family I replied with but I'm really not and I'll think about it. MIL almost (in a very kind way) said I needed to go. I mentioned graduation, MIL seemed surprised and asked "W asked you to come?" I told her no, W asked If i wanted to go I said yes but I'm still debating. MIL said ok, but I should really go. not going to make anything of it. I just think why would I go to grad party? I mean, W can tell her family we are separated, MIL FIL and BIL already know. the rest of the family would surely wonder where I'm at. MIL asked about work, my living arrangements. (though Idk why she just asked...we've seen each other frequently and it has been 5 months since W asked me not to return home) MIL knows about the affair, I told her the moment I found out. MIL face timed and talked with OM, they connected because they're both religious people. (some religious OM though..having W AND OW in his native country, I find that rather interesting / funny) hanging out with MIL tomorrow, she's got some stuff that needs fixing. (MIL has always reached out because I'm so handy, don't think that needs to change until a D and all ties are cut) I asked her if she would like to go to breakfast...I miss breakfast. Mainly with my W but MIL will do, since W is an extension of her. Should be a good busy day tomorrow.
You ARE family, and don't ever say you're not. Cheesy, just make the decision and let MIL know you're going to the graduation party. Don't debate it. Take a stand. You will take your rightful place by your W's side at her graduation. You will be there for your D. You will chat with and enjoy the family's company. Then leave the party. Make your appearance, be your charming wonderful self, toast your wife or congratulate her or whatever if there's a public acknowledgement at the party. Then be one of the first to leave. Not the first, but don't hang around too much. Make a statement. Be laughing and cheerful so that when you leave all that happiness goes out the door with you.
You've got this, cheesyt!
Cheesyt, if you want to go to the party then go. Remember, this is about you. Not about W, MIL, etc. All about you making a decision about what would make you happy.
If you don't want to go, then find a fun GAL activity to take it's place! No need to spend an evening indoors when you could be out having fun!
Hang in there Cheesyt!
Cheesyt,
H made it clear that things were different because he was no longer available to me. We talked about kids and stuff and he was nice but that was it. It was completely different. (Almost like HE was reading DB and on the site) Prior to that he had always made it clear that he wanted to work things out. I would contact OM, he would get upset but then he was always back and wanting to work on the M. I never really wanted a D, I was alone in our M for years and made poor choices to fill the loneliness but I didn't want a D - until I met OM. But I would waiver whenever H would try to work things out. I was so mad that he even wanted to because he was ruining my happiness (or so I thought at the time). You are in a tough position because you want to be available for D, if you two were to be divorced, you want the best situation possible to be there for D and show her an amicable separation, however you don't want to be too available. One thing stuck out to me, when she invited you to dinner and you didn't go you told her you had too much work, etc. Don't do that. When you decline, just decline. Be friendly, kind and supportive but don't be there too much emotionally for her. She has to feel the difference in the relationship. I also know that you can't read into anything but I have to say that I NEVER left my phone face up, away from me, etc. when I was having an A. When it was over and there was zero contact, I would intentionally leave it face up or lying around as a way of letting my H know that I had nothing to hide. Your W is in between dating and she may be checking to see if she has completely lost you but it also doesn't mean that she is ready to make the choice to come back. You do not want her to think you will always be there for her when SHE decides she wants the M. So remember, be kind, be nice but let her know you are 'moving on' in subtle ways. Make your hugs more 'brotherly' (and only when she initiates), not too close to her or long. Don't give explanations when you decline an invitation. Go to the graduation and let her know you are proud of her but in a 'friend way'.
Cheesyt, how's it going in your neck of the woods?
Lovethehub, your situation sounds similar to mine. Did your H come right out and tell you he was unavailable to you, or did he just show it through his actions?
update, -Friday I saw W, she picked up D from soccer practice. I asked W to meet me because I had a gal activity. W asked if I had to work, I said no but I have plans, W just said ok.
Saturday- I came "home" for the weekend. not sure what "home" is though...this isn't it. I came to visit family. They're a crazy bunch not good for my mental and emotional state. Very negative people, attitudes, rude, condescending...definitely someone I was turning into / was for a couple of years. Hard to be here, first time here in 5 years that I am without W or D, always brought one of them. As soon as I got here I got some amazing news from my sister, that I really wanted to call W to tell. (1 because she's MY person and 2 because she would be so exited) refrained. texted a friend instead. It set the tone for my weekend though, missing wife terribly. I'm anxious, nervous, just not good over all. My Cousin who's a year older than myself met me here. (I asked her to a few weeks ago, she too is going through a separation) Had an interesting conversation with C (cousin) It's tearing me up inside. I guess W and C talked around January...C said W said, I was controlling (which I was) and that I didn't "fight" fair. Once well in the beginning of our R (while still dating) I believe I grabbed her by the hand so she wouldn't leave and apparently that's me getting "violent" (for the record, I have never "hit" or "laid a hand" on her as people refer to. Or D for that matter. Just the thought that my W and C use that word to describe me makes me cringe) and as my C said, W said "always" I told C that W, as well as me, and I'm sure everyone else in the world exaggerates. A tendency W has is that, if something happens once that she doesn't agree with or doesn't like it automatically turns into "always" or "frequently". C said W was "miserable" C asked W why W wouldn't leave, W said because she couldn't...wtf. I didn't know what to say and I don't know what to think. W said she felt like she couldn't leave me. (yet when W asked me to move out, I obliged. Also W used to have a tendency of breaking up with me and Kicking me out, every time I would leave for a few hrs and W would call me back. This also goes with what I've posted a few times, W has a big tendency to say hurtful and mean things when upset / mad that she does not mean and takes back afterward) C asked if W was a cutter. (w told c. W was a cutter when she was young, not sure what age but outgrew it around 15/16) I told C yes, W in fact was a cutter, she's got a lot of little scars. The cutting thing C said- made her skeptical of what W said. C thinks that because W never saw an IC and growing up in foster care and being a cutter W's got some mental and emotional issues she's not worked through. I agreed. I made sure not to bad mouth my W. I told C that W's had it rough. I also made sure to ask C, what W thinks her mistakes were...there was a lot of finger pointing at me of course. C said W responded with her mistake was not standing up for herself more and not making her voice heard on how to raise D. That's fair, however certainly noted W has no faults in this marriage, other than that. I'm just so sad. I feel so terrible. after hearing this I really believe W and I have no future. I feel like calling her and apologizing. I could've certainly been a better spouse and parent. I know she contributed but I wish I could've just "gotten it" without her, in time. As I feel I "get" it now, certainly without her. I miss her, I want my W back. I'm aware our old marriage is no longer, but again after hearing this form january I truly feel we have no future. I feel so down and hurt. C told me I am different this time, she said she can see how I'm not very negative anymore. I'm making positive changed. C said I seem "nicer". That was certainly nice to hear.
Met up with an old friend...someone I thought I loved many years ago.(before I met w) We had a fall out because of me. I'm surprised she wanted to meet up. Had not seen her or really spoken to her in 2plus years. FA (friend A) did not hold back. FA asked "what happened to you" (this is the same thing W asks all the time, what happened to the sweet kind loving person I was) that certainly hit home. I told FA I didn't know. I got lost. It finally clicked when I saw my father in me. He's not a terrible person but he certainly was not a good one either. I could see myself turning into him. FA wanted to know who else I had pushed away. I told her just about everyone. FA was not surprised. FA gave me a spiel about how we must be careful because there's people that truly care for us and we push and push and finally the exit our lives. FA took a few other "jabs" at me, along with telling me last time we spoke I behaved badly and was rude, a jerk, and couldn't get a handle on my emotions. I validated a lot. I seem to validate people more. I'm working on listening well and validating apparently everyone. After about an hour of talking and FA being somewhat stand-of-ish and distant, FA warmed up. We had normal conversation, talked about family, work, school, friends, shared pictures of family and even laughed a little. It was rather nice. I thanked FA for meeting me, we shared a hug and we went on our way.
It was nice to see family. This isn't home. I'm struggling to find a home. and to feel at home. I don't know I'll find that answer anytime soon. Home is where your heart is, mine is with W. Sister told me it was nice to see me, Mom did too, they both said I should visit more often. This visit I was able to handle my self significantly better. I did not get angry, No one had an argument with me. I'm glad I came but I like my breaks. These 3 days were more than enough. They were extremely hard as I miss W terribly, yet I put on my brave single confident face.
I don't know how tomorrow will be. I have to catch an early flight. I will pick D up for soccer. I have not spoken to W. Not temp checks. Tomorrow I go back to this life I live now. Tomorrow I must get up and live one more day without my W and daughter. Tomorrow I will put on a smile and get through my day, not by choice. Tomorrow I will try to be thankful for all I have. Today...today I miss my w and wish I could call her.
-adjusting is very difficult.
Hang in there Cheesyt....adjusting is difficult but keep living and GALing for you! Don't worry about her, she needs to do whatever it is she is doing....
Hang in there Cheesyt....adjusting is difficult but keep living and GALing for you! Don't worry about her, she needs to do whatever it is she is doing....
^^^^ this.
Keep doing you and don't worry about her. This is her journey or whatever. lol Hang in there
How did it go with D last night?
It went well. Avoided Weekend talk. D did mention her and W went to the halloween store I had asked D to wait and we could all go. Didn't happen...I keep thinking, W has to feel the loss, how in the heck is that going to happen? I feel the loss, I feel the loss every day!!!! That was just a minor example. anyway, I waited for her soccer to be over W texted asking If she could go grocery shopping for dinner instead of coming to practice / picking up D. I said yes. with hope's that whole making dinner text meant I would get invited. Then W texted again asking about ingredients to one of my favorite chicken salad meals. (my families recipe) Thought for sure W is going to invite me for dinner.
Got home, asked D to bring up her homework. W was in kitchen making dinner. D is in 5th grade. They are doing reviews of last year and they have a sheet with either multiplication or division and the parent is to set a timer and just ask them the facts. D is behind, in my opinion. I was extremely frustrated. I would ask her a multiplication or division problem and she counts on her fingers...this is review. multiplication was for sure on last years homework why are we taking 30plus seconds to answer 3*6? I don't get it. At one point D said "well I don't know this" in a whinny a$$ voice (that she NEVER uses with me) and I said "i don't know what to tell you because it's on your homework and I don't know why the teacher would put it on here..." W finally interjected. thank god, because I was close losing my [censored]. (the old me would've been pissed and not let W handle it, Proud moment, I smiled, but had my back to w so she didn't notice) don't remember what she said but we moved on and she finally answered the problem correctly. Still, no dinner invite. I cleaned the litter, (had not been cleaned since I last did it, even though W said she'd been on it..psh) I said bye to D told her to enjoy whatever she was having for dinner, D said she's having pizza...again frustrated that I always fed her crap and W didn't want that. (that kid eats more crap now than ever, I at least cooked, W does not want to cook everyday) I just played it off, and waved from the door to W, said bye and left.
Dinner invite never came. I was slightly frustrated but glad to get out of there. about 30 min later i get a text.
W- everything ok?
I waited till late at night cus I was busy!!!! (was not but she doesn't need to know that)
Me- yes why?
5am this morning w replied with
W- just wondering. the food (my dish) is in the fridge if you want to feed D. I should be home around 5.30. please text me when you pick her up.
again with dinner and dish...(W knows I do not feed D until I bring her home for dinner which is at 6pm) My friend thinks w wanted me to ask to stay for dinner yesterday or assume or something.
I thought W asked me to move out, so if she wants me to stay for dinner she needs to ask. I am not a mind reader.
The "everything ok" text -total temp check. It does make me feel good that W sat and thought about me / our lack of interaction. So much that she thought to text me and that something was wrong. I pick D up today, going to go get our pottery we painted on friday. then the park for pokemon hunting then home for homework and then dinner. W will be home by the time we come home, hoping to have a similar interaction, as I feel way better when we do not interact much (feels weird / sad typing that) Interacting with her and hugging is no good for me. gets my emotions in a bunch. good busy day so far. nice weather.
I feel way better when we do not interact much (feels weird / sad typing that) Interacting with her and hugging is no good for me. gets my emotions in a bunch. good busy day so far. nice weather.
^^^all of this. I feel much better when I haven't talked to my W in a few days. I can't keep up with her emotional rollercoaster ride and it's easier when I just don't have to interact with her.
Sounds overall like you're doing pretty well! Get it girl! lol
I would agree with Maybs...It is easier when you don't see or talk to them, I used to not be like that but now I am....
It does sound like you are doing well, keep on keeping on for you and D!!
Agree with it being better not seeing them. The night before and the day after family evening is always tough for me too.
Your doing good Cheesy. It sounds like she is starting to second guess who she thinks you are and what she expects you to do...
Agree with all of you. When the interaction is nothing but spew it becomes physically exhausting. On the day or days that you go w/o talking to them it's still demoralizing but at least you don't emotionally and physically drain yourself dealing w/ their emotional ups and downs.
Cheesyt, you do sound like you're doing well with your situation. Glad ya'll are still doing the pokemon stuff. Ours has waned slightly, but it's been taken over by D wanting to go fishing again. A great tradeoff in my opinion! I expect D to get back on the pokemon train soon though. Many gyms to be conquered. Keep it up Cheesyt!
what a day. Had a lovely evening with D after a rough start. D was being a brat. Was upset that I took her to Target to get multiplication and division flash cards and told her every time I saw her we would practice them. then picked up the pottery we painted. it was almost 6 and w said she'd be home by then, texted
me- are you home
w - in a while
me - you said 530/6
w - yeah. you can take her home. I'll be there in a while. Have her call me when you drop her off.
me- I'm not going to leave her alone. Next time please let me know if you change your plans. thanks.
We drive home, W calls D on her cell, D doesn't answer. Get a text from W have her call me. I call from my phone hand phone over to D. W tells her to go across the street when I drop her off that the neighbor will watch her. I take the phone and say "why does she have to go across the street I'm right here"
w flies off the handle. emotional, screaming, telling me I'm rushing her. That she always feels rushed with me. W states she got a call that something she needed went on sale somewhere so she and her friend came, then immediately W said me and "friends name" are here. (not sure why she felt the need to explain who she was with or where or why for that matter but she did) I said please listen, w said I'm listening, I told W I understood it was last minute. I said i thought she would be home W interrupted with "you never want to be home when I'm there and now you don't want to be home without me" W sounded pissed by now. I repeated Please listen, I don't want you to think I'm invading your space. I am here until agreed time, I said next time please just let me know can you do that?
W was silent and I repeated please listen to what I am actually saying. W said yes I can do that. I said have a good time shopping bye. and we hung up. 20 mins later I get a text
w- there is chicken salad in the fridge, help yourself.
I didn't reply. D and I went for a walk. D is frustrated my phone doesn't work and wont pick up gps signal so we cant pokemon (D says I need a new one) W texts me when she is 5 min out so we walk home. I went straight upstairs to use the restroom, come out, W on her phone serving herself dinner. W does not look good. W looks like she may have been crying, not sure. she looks tired, hair is all messy, sad. Just not good. Generally she's got her hair done, make up, earrings, nice clothes. not today. I say hi to W then I walk over to D say bye, pick up my stuff, W rushed over by me, I though she wanted to chat or a hug but keeps walking by, I head down the stairs and I said "thank you for the chicken salad it was very good" W says "yep, bye"
that was it.
Not sure what is up with W.
woman are strange. W seems upset I don't want to be around her. My friend told me to leave her behavior to the wayward wife and not think anything of it. That is what I will do. I feel ok. W did not throw me off my mood. For once, I believe. Not sure though. Definitely feels like I should not be pissing W off. Luckily It's easier to make it one more day when my real W doesn't appear, and these past two interactions she was nowhere in sight. Makes my life easier to some extent.
-Ok today.
Cheesyt, put yourself in W's shoes. She's about to graduate, that's both a victory and a loss. New job? Marriage up in the air. D loves you and W knows it. She knows you're good for D. But W is confused. Doesn't know what she wants.
IMHO, next time don't engage with her in this back and forth about what time, where, etc. Think of a way to cut it short. Very short. Don't plead with her to listen. Say what you need to say, calmly -- very calmly. If she flies off the handle, listen. Listen. Listen. Then if what she says isn't something you agree with, like in this situation, say what you need to say and be firm. "I would like to keep D with me until you get home. Text me when you get there and I'll drop her off."
And IDK if it makes a difference, but maybe you don't eat the food and thank her for it. Maybe you're just so busy? Maybe you aren't hungry because you are about to have or just had dinner with a friend?
Again, IMHO, the important thing here is to never, ever let it dissolve into a scene where she gets emotional. And if she does, let her rant and rave, listen listen listen, be calm and firm. Remember, you get to decide things too. You are a co-parent. You don't have to always do what W says about D. Calm and firm. Stand up for yourself. Calm and firm. Don't challenge when you don't need to. And if you agree with what she suggests, acknowledge that it's a good plan and stick with it. But if plans/times change, just go with the flow. You two seem to bicker a lot over what time things are supposed to happen. Be very careful to adhere to the times you've agreed to with picking up D, etc. But if W changes the time, like last night, just go with it. No questions asked. You're too busy with your own life, right?
And remember, no begging her to "just listen". Say what you need to say, and move on. Keep it short and sweet. You're in charge of your own life, not her.
NyGal! thank you for your response. It's nice to hear how other perceive the situation. you're right, we bicker over time and things. I've been adhering to all my scheduled dates and times. I feel like she's waiting and expecting me to drop the ball, It's disappointing because I've never really dropped the ball when it comes to D. I don't see how my request was unreasonable, however I do see the benefit of not asking when she'd be home cus D and I are too busy. calm and firm. I will keep that in mind!
thank you!!!
had a rough night last night. roommate came home really late, around 11pm. (I watched her daughters) since I am under the kitchen / living room so it gets really noisy with the walking around. Roommate was cleaning kitchen and getting work done. This impedes me from sleeping, as I am a light sleeper. Not only that, the girls wake up around 6am which means I wake up because they literally run from one end to the other. I was tired, crabby, got emotional I just wanted to sleep. I haven't been sleeping super well, yes even with a bed. the thoughts that went through my head were more or less...
why do I have to have it difficult. I'm not the one that walked away from my M. I can't sleep, I sleep on a couch (at least did for 5 months) W has a nice expensive bed (we purchased about a year ago) W never has trouble sleeping, hard sleeper, can literally fall asleep anywhere within 5 min. Just wondering why I got the short end of the stick. thennnnn this morning get a text
W-morning. you'll be picking D up and taking to soccer correct?
me- morning yes
I'm taking D to her first soccer game tomorrow b/c W has school.
W- so i'm in class 10-4 then we are planning to go somewhere after. would you like to keep her til i'm done? or should i let the neighbor know that you will drop her off"
me - i'd be happy to spend all day with her.
first this along with everything today rubs me the wrong way. she has NO complications. free sitters. all the time. everyone helps her out. "single mother" pisses me off!!!! when we were together I had to pay for a sitter. I worked my tail off for them and she just gets rid of me and gets stuff handed to her. She's going on this vacation with D and her friends, She is living a good life despite no income (how? IDK!) I'm almost jealous, her life is certainly better without me. and i'm left with nothing. WTF. I'm so hurt and angry.
I'm balancing GAL and Work and school and living without MY family / the future WE had planned.
how is this fair?! I'm sooooo tired, physically, emotionally and mentally exhausted.. I want to run away. I hate this. Why does it feel like I'm the one got screwed? I'm trying my VERY BEST day in and day out. And no matter what I find myself in this hole. This needs to be over. Idk how much longer I can take.
ouch. went on amazon for something. W bought some stuff for OW. confirmed. Facebook stalked this lady. Pictures of her in MY house. hurt. pain. sad. wth...when will this end?!
Ugh....I'm sorry cheesyt!! Your W is a fool!!! I know you want to be there for D but it sounds like she is doing everything she wants...I don't know what advice to give you since my W is living with OW....just know everyone is here to support you!
Hawker is right. Your W is a fool. She doesn't know what she is missing with you cheesyt.
I wouldn't read too much into your Ws situation though. There could be any number of not so great things going on there that you don't know about cheesyt. You just don't know, so no point in dwelling on it.
On the Amazon stuff, setup an account that's not a shared one with your W. I did this bc I got tired of seeing the underwear my WW was ordering as well as having recommendations for even sluttier underwear thrown in my face at work when I'd order something. There's an option to share the prime but have a whole different account. I think it's Amazon household maybe. Let me know if you can't find it.
Hang in there cheesyt. Remember this isnt about your W, this is about you and your D. Your W is on her own path. Be the best cheesyt you can be. You are an awesome person and a great friend to all of us! We all know how amazing you are cheesyt. We are all here to support you too!
lt0402 - yes, I need to start separating everything. [censored] that it comes to this.
hawker thank you for your kind words!
journaling - had a great day. I was doing some sitting for two kids really early, then picked D up for first soccer game. W met us outside and let me borrow her lawn chair. D came into my car with two breakfast sandwiches (D claims W was making one for me but ran out of time). W did not look good. D claims it was because W had to miss her game. Feeling some sort of way I texted W - I know not being here must be hard for you as it's her first game. I want to know what I can do to help that be a little less hard. Would you like pics as I take them or all at the end? - W never replied. W was NOT at school yet so Idk why she didn't reply. whatever. Soccer game was great, D made a goal. and her team won. D did great. Then we went to a park. Headed back to the house for lunch. D made us mac n cheese. Then I let the kids go into the hot tub. then D "watched" the boys while I got some homework done. Around 6pm The boys' father got home and D and I went downtown for dinner, met one of my friends. then walked around and got ice cream and visited a few shops. 8pm and no word from W. D states she would like to spend the night. I told her we could check with W once W called. 9.15 W finally texts "on my way be there in 30"
I called w asked where? W said "my house" augh she usually says "ours" or "the" whatever. I told her we weren't there (thinking about it W really expected us or me to go to her house and wait around like I have no life? or nothing to do? wth) so W said she'd come get here where I'm at I paused and said "well.." and W said does she not want to come? I said no she wants to stay. W asked to speak to D. I heard on my end "no. I want to stay" "watching a show" "she's doing stuff here" "wearing Roommates clothes" "love you too bye". I feel good because D actually wants to spend time with me. In the past this was a struggle because I was the primary care taker for D she'd often not want to be around me or "preferred" w because she saw her so seldom. That didn't help my "bad parenting" case. Tomorrow I already had plans to meet with MIL for breakfast then to the store to look at sheds. MIL needs a shed, I offered to build it, as this is a normal thing I would do anyway. MIL only has W and myself. D can grab clothes from MIL's. After we are going to a festival here in town, then we will head home for family game night and dinner. I don't know that I feel anything really..All 3 of us will be out tomorrow morning and W? well she will be in her world.
Discovered OW may not be OW but sketchy because of the gifts, the pictures in our house, she looks like a man, her lighter and charger on my side of the bed, and her gum (to quit smoking) on my side of the bed as well.
D mentioned how POW (possible OW) drinks a lot, comes over a lot, smokes a lot, is trying to quit. It came up in conversation because D was telling me idk something about smoking and how W's friends smoke a lot. Will not make anything of it but we will run into each other on grad day. I will look amazing, I will hold my head high, I will smile and continue to have good conversations with the rest of her classmates. I will meet POW and I will be the best cheesyt out there.
Really glad I'm building a better healthier R with D. It literally dawned on me earlier while in the shower. Holy crap she preferred to stay here.
-must be doing something right!
Met with W to exchange our D. Weird AF! It's like on tv where you meet at some neutral place no one talks to one another and an awkward hello is shared. Wtf!!!! This is my life. It's crazyyyyyy
Had an amazing morning with MIL and D. Was helping MIL clean up some tree shed cut down. MIL asked "We were bundling bushes. And MIL said "idk where I went wrong with W she never wants to do yard work" and Then I said "what does she like to do" and MIL said "nothing!" And I said "yeah I guess that's why I did everything, she's going to have to find someone to do all her stuff for her" and she chuckled and said something and i said what and she said no nothing. And wouldn't tell me. I said "well I'm sure she will find someone" and MIL mumbled something along the lines of "no she won't" or "I don't think so" didn't pay much attention. Not thinking anything of it.
W again didn't look good today. I think she was hung over. Or maybe I'm not seeing her as my w anymore and my perception is changing. Regardless the past 3 times she's not looked good. W texted that she forgot about game night and wanted to cancel they had to go grocery shopping. Whatever.
Currently sitting at a bar waiting for a friend for a gal activity for the rest of the day.
-still can't believe this is my life...crazy!
How did you respond when she cancelled game night?
NyGal, I texted back "ok" not sure what else to reply.
w texted asking if I was going to grad again. I said yes why she replied with "just making sure. my mom wasn't sure what you had said"
W texted asking if I had been by her house today. I said no.
w- are you sure? you can tell me if you were..
Me - I did not. I respect your boundary of letting you know / you knowing when I am there. (wasn't she just accusing me of not wanting to be at her house?)
W- ok. then i'll be changing the locks bc someone is coming in the house. this has happened more than once"
me- ok
This happened once where she left something in a very specific place and it was moved. The weekend my car broke down so I had no way of getting to her house. I don't know why she's adamant that I show up. I have no need. That house makes me depressed and sad. Not sure what to make of this. Feels like more and more separation. I was in her town today because I had a doc appointment. My co pay was on the "joint" account that only I use. I'm sure she saw it online and that is not helping my case.
part of me thinks she's paranoid. Guilt perhaps? She's doing things are are wrong so she's trying to see what "wrongs" I'm doing? I don't know. I know If W does change the locks she will not give me a key. I fear she will think I took D's and made a copy though if something is mysteriously moved one day.
w did text last night about what size I ordered my fitbit. Not exactly sure why. I responded in the middle of the night. Temp check? Idk...there's only two band sizes, regular and Large. and we have small hands.
whatever will throw this into crazy ww behavior.
-need sleep. too tired.
Hope you got some sleep cheesyt....who knows what she is thinking but you can't worry about that, keep focusing on you!! The fitbit was a total temp check....I got one this am as well....have a great day!
Hi cheesy, just wanted to check in. Your w's behavior is confusing. IDK why she keeps checking to see about your attendance at the graduation. Is it because she wants you there or because she doesn't? IDK. When W kept checking in to make sure I was going to be at the dinner with her after her vacation with ow, it was because she was temp checking BIG time and wanted to make sure I would show -- that was the dinner where we talked R and proceeded to R.
Good lucky, cheesyt.
I have so many emotions and feelings that I cannot seem to understand today. Nothing specific happened.
I woke up from a dream with W..as always she decided to come back. but as always, just a dream.
I got this weird gut feeling most of today.
I'm angry. at my wife and just in general. frustrated. sad. worried. anxious. tired.
I visited with my dr and a therapist yesterday. We talked about anti depressants. As the therapist was asking questions, I zoned out, I looked around the room and just started crying. Therapist asked what triggered my crying, what did she say. I told her nothing in particular that she mentioned, I can't believe this is my life. I couldn't believe I was there and those conversations were happening. I never envisioned my life this way.
How did I get here? but most importantly, how do I get out of here?!
I don't think things are getting worse, but sure don't feel better. I'm settling into some sort of routine
Monday work, then running and beers with a group, get home around 9pm shower and bed.
Tuesday work, soccer practice with D, get home around 7pm and do things around my room or netflix or study
Wed work, D, get home around 8/30 do things around my room or netflix, or study
Thursday work, happy hour with a friend, get home around 8 pm, do things around my room or netflix or study
Friday work, soccer practice with D, meet with a friend for happy hour until whenever. usually 9/10pm, then bed.
Saturday and Sunday I try to fill up with GAL activities.
Sunday I definitely take a few hours to study/homework.
Yet somehow I'm still not content, or remotely close to happy. I'm ok. I don't want to be just ok though. I'm waking up and doing what I have to do, but only because I have to. I have to go to work because I have bills to pay. I have to go running because I need to GAL. I have to GAL because It's supposed to help but when does it actually get better? Out of the whole week the only thing I can say I do because I want to is spend time with D (the few hours on Wednesday I'm allowed.) I don't know what else to do to actually feel better. I feel stuck. I don't what this life I'm creating but I'm at a loss for how to make it more "mine" and for it to make me happy.
-want a different life with my W in it. as my W.
journaling - MIL texted asking If i have a key to W's house and if she could come and get it because MIL is going over to W's house and clean the deck because MIL bought W a new deck set.. I asked MIL to make sure W knows because other wise I get accused of doing shady things. This got me thinking, I didn't lie and cheat, why am I the liar? why is my word all of a sudden not worth anything to W? I think this is a little "game" to get me to give up my house key, which I really don't care but seriously?! I'm so disappointed not exactly sure in what or who. Just in general. I'm doing my best here, I'm trying everyday, I'm working on GAL and detaching, and just living for me. why is it so hard? Why is it that it feels like my W is doing everything she can to get me out of her life? How does she do it? How is it so easy to erase me. Why does W have it so easy. I can barely function at work or in my day to day. I feel extremely down and depressed. I don't know how I manage to wake up everyday and still TRY to live a decent life. I have no idea. I don't know why I'm here or how to leave this place. I don't deserve all this, yet and still I'm getting it. Grad is coming up perhaps I'm all sorts of crazy emotions because of it. Her Family will be in town, and of course I'm not invited to the activities, that I wasn't sure I was going to attend anyway, but somehow knowing It was MY decision not to go would make me feel better, instead I'M the one hurt by the loss. I feel the loss. I know I can only control my feelings and I don't know if W does or does not feel the loss. IT hurts from where I'm standing, She's got her family, our D, our house, her friends, her school, her career, our pets, om or ow, I just don't know how to move past this or quit thinking about it.
-spiraling down. fast.
How did I get here? but most importantly, how do I get out of here?!
I don't think things are getting worse, but sure don't feel better. I'm settling into some sort of routine
Monday work, then running and beers with a group, get home around 9pm shower and bed.
Tuesday work, soccer practice with D, get home around 7pm and do things around my room or netflix or study
Wed work, D, get home around 8/30 do things around my room or netflix, or study
Thursday work, happy hour with a friend, get home around 8 pm, do things around my room or netflix or study
Friday work, soccer practice with D, meet with a friend for happy hour until whenever. usually 9/10pm, then bed.
Saturday and Sunday I try to fill up with GAL activities.
Sunday I definitely take a few hours to study/homework.
Yet somehow I'm still not content, or remotely close to happy. I'm ok. I don't want to be just ok though. I'm waking up and doing what I have to do, but only because I have to. I have to go to work because I have bills to pay. I have to go running because I need to GAL. I have to GAL because It's supposed to help but when does it actually get better? Out of the whole week the only thing I can say I do because I want to is spend time with D (the few hours on Wednesday I'm allowed.) I don't know what else to do to actually feel better. I feel stuck. I don't what this life I'm creating but I'm at a loss for how to make it more "mine" and for it to make me happy.
-want a different life with my W in it. as my W.
Cheesyt, I know this lull. I too am living in this limbo and it's hard to imagine what "good" looks like in the future. I find that the routine is awesome for helping me maintain balance and the exercise has been key to me keeping my sanity.
I think the issue is that both you and I keep getting sucked back into our WWs zone of control. We tend to go in fits and spurts and it keeps us from really, truly detaching from the situation. From others, it sounds like you don't really get consistently "good" w/o finding the way to detachment. Until then you go through good and bad cycles.
Unfortunately, I can't help you w/ the detachment piece, but I can tell you that what you are doing is good FOR you. You seem to be happier after you've been out on a GAL w/ your friends. Maybe it's even time to try something new and fill in Wed or Thurs evening w/ a new GAL activity? Take a risk, try something new w/ new people. Maybe it leads you somewhere interesting and helps you to define what "good" looks like in the future.
Regardless, you are an awesome person and deserve to be happy. We're here to support you and I really appreciate all the support you've given me. Hang in there and it will get better!
Oh Cheesy you sound like me a couple of weeks ago when I went to a really, really dark place. What helped me was all the help and advice from you lovely people on here. Also I stopped posting for a while just reading. I just didn't have the energy to pour my feelings out on here or to talk about H anymore and that coupled with a so called friend of mine who blanked me at funeral and later told me she was fed up of my self pity made something click in me.
Don't get me wrong I cry literally every day but now I seem to have got to a place where H's actions aren't affecting me as much. I still long for him but I feel like I have exhausted myself trying to get him to notice me and it's just not working. I realised that was my cheeseless tunnel. I am sure there will be times I will spiral again but for now I am in a comfortable place.
Read what the others, especially Blu said on my sich. Let her go. If you don't feel comfortable about going to the graduation then don't. It is your decision to make. At the moment you seem to be on autopilot. I think you should stop yourself from doing things if you feel you are forcing yourself to do them in the name of GAL. I wasnt ready to take on lots of activities at first but now I feel like I might be ready to do something but I not going to fill my life with lots of activities because it's the quiet moments that I need to know how to deal with my mind starts to work overtime!
(((Cheesy)))
Good post Coly, I remember when you were in that dark place!! It stinks, you sound better as well and I hope you get there Cheeyst! It took me a long time to finally get where I am and thank goodness for the people on these boards, I wish I would have found it sooner but it is what it is.... I do have moments where I go in waves but it has been less and less...I am finally at a place where her actions don't affect me as much either and she is searching for that something and I can't help her. Thank goodness I also have an awesome support group of family and friends!! We are your family here ((cheesy)))
Cheesy, why did you say you aren't invited to the grad activities? I thought you were and that you're going? I hope you go.
Regarding the key, yup, sounds pretty suspicious to me. I can see W wanting her privacy, but if you are a part-time caretaker to D, it seems like you would need a key. But if not, give MIL the key and don't expect to get it back. And don't make a big deal out of it. It feels rotten but don't let them know that. And it seems so stupid for them to make up this story about needing the key. They sound like shady characters to me.
Remember, anything you say to MIL goes straight back to W. She is NOT on your side, she's always going to be on her daughter's side, no matter what she says. Remember that and act accordingly. She's a messenger, so control the message.
Oh Cheesy... I can understand why you are feeling the way you are. I feel like it's a pretty safe assumption that we have all been there.
you will make it through this regardless of what you think currently. I sometimes do still ask myself how did this happen, how did I end up in this place and have to remind myself that how I got here isn't really important the fact is I'm here and it is what it is.
IC really helped me through those dark times. Also coming here. Sometimes posting and sometimes not. I find I don't post as much now that I'm in a better place but I still come poke around periodically and check on everyone else. Focusing on my health/fitness has helped me because it is something that I can absolutely control it.
Routine is a good start! In the beginning it was pretty much all I could do to even start a routine. Getting up, going to work, coming home, making dinner, starting it all over the next morning.
I know this isn't where you want to be, I don't think any of us want to be here. And I for sure do still have bad days but more and more frequently I find that things are going good for me and I have a lot to be grateful for.
You can do this.
LT0402 as always, thank you for your words of encouragement. It's comforting to know more of us are on this roller coaster. We do get sucked back in, how do we stop?
Coly, thanks. It's funny I thought "i'm not throwing a pitty party" but I guess i see how it could seem that way. glad you're doing better!
Hawker, I saw you read Blu's thread and love what you posted on your thread. now if only i can engrave that in my mind all day everyday.
NYGal, I am invited to grad, I am going. Grad party got canceled. But family will be in town. MIL and D talked about activities. No invite. I know D inst going to school Friday because of family / Grad.
journaling- picked D up. went to the store to get crazy 8s, go fish, and a congrats card for W. D was excited and misunderstood me last time we talked about grad. D said "did you hear you get to come to the grad" I asked what she meant and she said "mommy told me she invited you so you can come" I explained that W had invited me but when I said I didn't know, I meant I wasn't sure I wanted to go because it was my decision too. Took her to dinner, did some homework, played cards, had dinner and desert. Talked, laughed, my fam kept texting me and I got annoyed, D read me like a book. D immediately said "you don't look happy what's wrong" and I shook it off and turned off my phone. D told me Sunday they went dress shopping for W's grad instead of game night. D mentioned she wished we could spend more time as a family. We had a really good time. D asked if i was coming inside, I said no she wanted to know why, I told her I was meeting a friend. Dropped her off at 730. saw W peaking out the window as I drove away.
Went over to a friends for tea. Lets call her FK. Talked, hadn't seen her in a bout a week. Nothing exciting other than it came up in conversation that I'm still not "me". I asked FK to elaborate and give examples. FK said I was scatterbrained and "not there", I forget things and I'm not "sharp" which she justified as I'm depressed so she didn't want to bring it up before.
run early in the am with a co worker. Work. then shopping for clothes for grad. study. sleep.
-another day.
Hey Cheesy, I would never insinuate that you or anyone else on here is having a pity party. We are all here because we are trying to save our marriages so we all carry some pain, confusion and hope and this sometimes comes over in our posts. But hey, this is a journey, our own personal journey and as physically, mentally we also move at a different pace to one another. I am quite slow at accepting things but I know I will eventually get there but I have to go through the stages and if that means I feel sorry for myself for a while then so be it.
By the way I am not speaking to that friend because I am so upset that she used it against me.
You are doing great and I'm glad you have made a decision with regards to the grad party!
Cheesy, good job dropping D off and not going in. I hope W didn't see you peeking while she was peeking!
I'll bet once this graduation is over, things will shift. I hope for the better. Now it's very important to DB the heck out of this. Fingers are crossed that tomorrow will go smoothly.
Ditto on the fingers crossed!!!
W texted "did you send flowers" my heart dropped and felt like it was breaking all over again. Someone sent her flowers with no name.
I sent W her first flowers over 6 years ago. We worked together, she was my boss. Flowers came, no name. It made her happy, I ended up telling her about 2 weeks later. W loves flowers. Makes me feel sad. Hope it was her mom or a family member but I'd assume her mom or a family member would write their name on it.
NYGal, W didn't see me peaking, my car windows are very tinted. I thought the same about things shifting after grad. Hopefully for the better. These flowers make me worry if they're from a crush.
-jorunaling. Felt some sort of way today. I texted W because she'd been sending me emails regarding some of my bills.
me- thank you for the bill updates I really appreciate it
W- np. i paid blah blah to this and that on your cc so you can get your points.
me- thank you!
w- insurance went down some. its blah each, I used to pay blah and you paid this much but I just split the new amount down the middle.
me- that's great
Went home early from work. Couldn't focus, didn't feel good. Ended up going on a hike with a friend. Then dress and shoe shopping for grad. W ended up texting me while shopping.
w- can you please do me a favor? The vacuum stopped working it wont pick up I've cleaned it and everything but I'm still having issues. can you please look up the receipt and let me know when we bought it so i can contact dyson and see what my options are?
me- do you happen to know the log in to best buy? (that's where we bought it / I was hoping she'd take a hint and do it since I know I'm not supposed to help. Not good DB)
W sent over a screen shot of her notes with it.
me- great can I get back to you in a bit? I'm out and about.
W-yes.
then the flower text.
came home crying
talked to my roommate. Roommate said W obviously has no one else special if she's asking me about it / has no idea who they're from. Makes sense but still doesn't feel good.
I sure hope tomorrow goes well and that I am the best cheesyt W and family has ever been around. I feel like I have so much riding on this. W needs to see that confident person she fell in love with. Strong, confident, kind, and caring.
-so nervous.
Good luck!!!! You will be fine!!! Keep being your confidant and fun self!!!
What a day. Pretty sure it was terrible DB from the get go. Went to grad. Sat behind the husband of ws bff. I introduced myself and he said "oh you're cheesyt I've heard amor about you" and I did "oh no" and he laughed and said "oh no just good things" - not making anything of it. Got emotional at one point. w made a speech (all classmates picked one person, she was it) she thanked our D, her family, talked about what a difficult two years it was. After grad we took some pictures. Then to eat. I asked w if it was ok I came. She said yes. We had lunch. Decent convo. As always we just got eachother. Had a moment (I think) I wrote her a card that I gave her between grad and driving to lunch. While we paid our checks she said "thank you for the card"
Me- oh you read it already
W - yes. - she gave me this half smile half frown
Tugged at my heart strings.
After that they were all headed to MILs house I asked w if it was ok I joined. She said if I wanted to. I joined and we all kind of just layer around. Ws BFF is having a party at her house. Everyone but me was invited. That sucked. I got a chance to talk to w before she left. I gave her a hug and told her I was proud of her. Not sure how it started but we had a R and M talk... W said I wasn't invited because I make her feel weird and awkward .(I know an issue was Im not super social. I'm working on that with gal and stuff.) That one day I want to come in and say hi and others I just leave without a word. W said the more I act like I don't want to be around the more I push her away and the less she cares. (I did think she was mirroring my behavior a couple of weeks ago) W also said if I don't make an effort to be in her life she won't either. I told her I care but that I want our m,I said I understand our old marriage is dead and we could possibly have a new one. W said she's not ready for that yet. I said I understand and I cannot wait forever and I need to move on. W said she understands. w says she wants better communication though. W told me she was upset I went to visit my family, that they are still her family and that what if she wanted to send something for our niece or my little brother. She said in a very loud assertive tone "she's my niece too and I love them!" I said well you left them and she said no I didn't You just won't talk to me have to text your sister to know anything about them because you won't tell me. So basically wife wants to be some type of friends. I re iterated we are not friends and we will not be friends unless we R.
I concluded with lets not get ahead of ourselves and say we are friends because I'm only interested in being M but I am Ds parent so is W and I do see how while we figure stuff out we can have better communication. I told her I wanted her to bring me around her friends (I know terrible DB but in my defense, the way I got her to fall in love the first time was Cus I followed and invited myself with her and her friends and was sociable and nice and kind and not pushy...idk that this will happen again but idk) w said ok we can start there but don't think we are working toward R. I said nope I know where you stand and you know where I stand.
Well as I was typing this W called. She said she wanted me to know she's dating someone and that she wanted me to hear it from her. I said I know you've been dating around its not news. And she said I know But this is the first time I'm telling you I was just sitting here thinking about it and thinking and I need to be clear there is no chance of R so I hope you have no hopes. I said "I have no hopes for R now" and W said I also don't see us hanging out socially because my friends know I'm dating and they'd met you before. Wow. W said she doesn't want any of our interactions forced. That if I want to call her to call her and if she wants to talk to me she will.
Makes me think this is serious now. Since she finally admitted to dating someone. I was just feeling good. Pretty sure it's OW from school.
What a day. Never a dull moment with W.
Not sure which direction to take.
Continue down my pushing her away and her mirroring this action or what the heck?
Cheesyt, I wouldn't put a lot into what your W told you about her dating this OW. Seems like it may be a temp check on her part to see how you respond.
Regardless, it's not something you can control. You can, however, control you and your reactions. I'd keep up your GAL stuff and have an awesome weekend to take your mind off this stuff. I'd bet that your W is trying to get a rise out of you with her recent comments and talks about OW. Don't give it to her.
I'm proud of you for going through the graduation stuff. I know that was a huge deal for you and I'm happy you went! You earned part of that as well and you deserved to be there.
I think the path you pursue now is the one that makes cheesyt happy. Lose the focus on your Ws responses (yeah, I'm one to talk, right?!
). Focus on yourself and get in your exercise. It seems like the exercise is massively beneficial to both of us. Here to support you cheesyt. Keep your head up and keep grinding forward!
oh must add something from gad day talk, prior to telephone call.
we asked why I was so distant and "cold" when I still want to save our M. cant remember her exact words but along the lines of -you say you want us to be together but you sure don't act like you even want me.
she wanting me to purse? - that's what my friend thinks, that W wants to know I'm still her back up. But tells me to have no hope for R. wth is with these women?!
another thing I failed to mention, yesterday MIL told me i should move on, suggested a dating app. MIL told me W is on her high horse right now and acting strange, spending lots of money and MIL doesn't know where its coming from.
-nothing new. studied and went to a bar for college football game. no word from W just from MIL. Yesterday W told me D was not going to soccer game, as W was going to that party and would be spending the night at her bff's house. Well MIL, FIL & BIL ended up taking D to soccer game, of course W failed to communicate this to me. D scored a goal, the only goal to win the game. Super bummed. MIL also said W did not spend the day with the fam (as she had discussed at MIL's house), and that D was staying another night with MIL.
Gal activity tomorrow with a friend. Going to a festival. not sure about game night. Not really in the mood for it.
You don't really know what they are thinking so forget the mind reading. Hahaha. There were some great college football games yesterday!!! Hope you enjoyed them!!! Sorry you missed your D's soccer game, ugh. Hope you have a good time at the festival!!!
How was your weekend Cheesyt?
You don't really know what they are thinking so forget the mind reading.
Agree w/ this. They are so mixed up it's impossible to tell what's going on in their brains. You seem to be getting mixed messages from your W, probably best to approach it from the "believe nothing of what they say" viewpoint.
we asked why I was so distant and "cold" when I still want to save our M. cant remember her exact words but along the lines of -you say you want us to be together but you sure don't act like you even want me.
This is a perfect example of why it's best to discount what they're saying. This would tend to contradict her conversation w/ you the other day about OW, etc. Just jot it down and move on, let them be wishy-washy on their own time.
Hope your weekend was great cheesyt! You a big football fan? I'm more of an NFL guy myself, but I've got my college team that I adamantly pull for as well.
hawker, thanks i'm working uber hard on not mind reading. proving to be 999 times more difficult that anticipated. will get there though.
weekend was ok. Went to a friends bbq because my friend for the festival canceled. BBQ was fun, met and mingled with lots of people, older people, as the couple I am friends with is in their early 40s. All families with kids, and money. But not snobby. decent day, was there ALL day. from 10 am - 7pm. then headed to the bar to watch the game with a different friend who is a cheesehead. haha.
LT0402 - Yes, always back and forth with the ww's. I live in a college town. I watch that college team play. I also watch the nfl team from here play, as well as the NFL team from my home town play. I have a couple of buddies who have college and nfl teams they root for so I watch those teams play because it gives me something to look forward to.
Well your cheesehead friend didn't have a good weekend!!
Feeling defeated.
Feeling as though I've lost this fight.
I know I shouldn't be snooping, OM (the affair man) and W are friends on fbook. Though she's seeing OW. and has had to my knowledge one more "bf")
No idea what's going on.
W is doing shady things with bills. We agreed to split the balance on a cc, yet she went and decided other things without consulting me, VERY disappointed. I left my home, I left my family, I left anything of monetary value, (it's not about the money) but then she goes and sticks me with more cc debt that I deserve.
I'm amazed at how shady, selfish, careless and disrespectful this woman is.
-not done picking myself up when another blow comes my way.
You don't split the balance if it's things she bought for herself after she fired you as her wife. It's that simple.
And if I ever read that you've said "I asked if I could join" one more time I'm going to scream so loud you'll hear me.
QUIT BEING A DOORMAT!!!!!!!!!
I agree with NYGal...YOU are better than that!!! No way would I pay 1/2 of things she has purchased for herself!!!
this cc is from when we were together. I closed it so it couldn't be used and she's now getting around to transferring her balance out.
I have to agree with NYGal... don't be a doormat?
Have you asked her why she changed the agreement you guys made? Don't just let her do whatever she pleases. Stand up for yourself girl!
wow. this guy gets more posts than us newbs who really are trying and struggling to follow some simple DB rules as well as keeping our heads above water. As always, mind blown, on the threads and in my own personal life....
WTF?!
-cheesyt.
It's actually a good point.
However not everyone is doing that, I for one refuse to say anymore on that thread.
Do you need more support?
Hey cheesy, I saw your post over on CLD's thread, so I thought I could offer you some support. I don't want to waste time there anymore, I think we are being catfished or something.
Anyways, I haven't read your whole sitch. I can tell you I was 27 at the time of bomb drop with a baby girl. I know 27 can be a rough age for all of this. I understand you not feeling "happy" or "content". I think you may be putting too much pressure on yourself to feel that way, because you don't want to feels so sad anymore, which makes much sense.
If you need some help getting out of that dark place, Ad's do help. Your GAL activities are pretty good and you are living your life. Continue with IC. You do eventually stop feeling so sad. A day will come when you find joy in things again.
Try to not give as much info to MIL, she seems to thrive off of this stuff. And you should always be moving forward. Moving forward does not mean dating. Moving forward means building your life and working on yourself. Detachment is not letting your W's emotions and actions dictate yours.
Often people feel as if they need to move onto the next R. That's moving on. It's not. Being ok with yourself and being ok being lonely even, is very healthy. It will either strengthen your future R or a new R with your W, whatever the path may be.
Live your life, walk your path, and those who see what a great guy you are, will join you on it:)
Thank you Ginger for stopping by. yes, someone once told me MIL is the messenger so to control the message. I am in no way shape or form ready to date so. I am definitely going to start moving forward as much as I can. For the past 6 years I have taken care of and put W and D first. It's Cheesyt's time to be first. I'm learning how to do that still but I'm open for it. You're right I am putting too much pressure on myself to enjoy and be happy.
Cadet thank you as well for taking the time to take a gander at my thread! I was so frustrated.
update / journaling. Wednesday, my day with D. As usual W texted asking what my plans were with D and what time I expected to be home as well as let her know when I pick her up from school. Still so curious to know WHY she needs that info. responded kept it short and sweet. not a big deal. Picked D up asked her where she'd like to go to dinner, she picked. We had an appetizer, did some homework. OW signed my D's planner. Every night a parent must sign that the kid did his/her homework say OW's initials on monday...I asked "oh who signed here" D shrugged and said "i dont know" (trying to save my feelings I suppose) I sais "ow eh?" D said "yeah mommy was in the shower and I had to go to bed" Didn't ask too many questions...as OW is NOT her parent, don't know why she signed. Or why D asked her to sign. Whatever, not D's fault. Played cards, then had our dinner. Walked next door for some frozen yogurt. Then headed home. I work for a company that makes clothing we get a credit each year to buy clothes. I had ordered some clothes for D and they were at the house. (had also placed an order in feb for W and myself, that finally arrived as it was this years winter clothing) I ran inside the house, needed scissors to open package so I ran upstairs to my surprise I catch a glimpse of someone out in the deck....OW. I asked W where the scissors were and walked over to the deck. Held out my hand said said "hi I'm cheesyt nice to meet you" OW held out her hand and said "hi, I'm OW nice to meet you to" I turned around and ran back downstairs. W almost slammed the door in my face to mbr. W did not want me to come in, I later found out why. W, D and myself head to D's room to have her try on the clothes. W makes comments about how many boxes, and what else I've got in the boxes. Had D try on gloves, W mentioned how she loved them and asked me if they were like "ours from last year" I said yes they're the new model. I Pointed out the differences. W lingered, asked what else was in the boxes again. I think she was waiting for me to pull out her winter coat...I kept it in it's box (that thing is going back!!!)W left, I cleaned out litter, put scissors back in mbr. Saw OW's clothes neatly folded on my bed. OW looks like a man and dresses like one (not that it matters i know just saying what I saw. COMPLETELY opposite of me. I can rock a dress and heels very nicely. Both my W and I are pretty feminine) OW's duffel bag was there, with some pills. yes I looked to verify and it did have OW's name on them. Walked over to the sink...my deodorant is still here. So is OW's. My toothbrush..yes it's there too in the little toothbrush holder with W's and OW's...weird. W's pillow is on my side of bed, new pillow on W's old side. (I have the matching pillow case that goes to the bed set lol) That is why W slammed the door shut and kept it shut earlier. Didn't want me to see but Idk why. Just curious, not that it bothers me. Wondering wth goes on in that head of hers. W didn't look good and confident as she did on grad day. At any rate, said my good byes to OW and W and ran out the door. Had D come outside with me to spend a few mins / say bye. I am proud to say today was the first time I leave my home and my family and did not cry on the drive to my little basement.
Went over to a friends (we can call him FG) It was his birthday today. Dropped off some beer. FG invited me to go to a Gator bar on Saturday for football. Then FG said his friends are going to oktoberfest downtown as well & that we could play it by ear and head to that after the game. Going to be lots of fun because FG makes me laugh and I always have a great time with him. We have what I think is a great platonic friendship. (FG is aware I am married and all that jazz) That will be most of my day Saturday, sunday, nothing planned yet. Need to do some homework and study the later part of the day. Trying to meet MIL for breakfast, As I left something in her freezer and MIL wanted a jacket from my work so I ordered her one and would like to give it to her.
All in all...thoughts...I'm extremely disappointed in the money situation with W. I cannot believe this is the woman I married and trusted. I have officially lost ALL trust for her. Not just that but W does not care to communicate things about D with me (soccer game is just one of a million examples) The more I see her and the worse she looks (oh man this feels weird saying) the easier it is to over look her. does that make sense? I mean it's not like she didn't dress up and wear make up on grad day...i just didn't think she looked great, or like herself perhaps. W is most certainly a different person. Can't help but to wonder how long OW will be around, as W started talking to OM again. Not my problem though. OW and OM and W can knock themselves out...with my toothbrush (LOL!) mainly, Extremely disappointed in my W. I can't say meeting OW shook me up. I held my head high and was light and cheerful. No skin off my back. I know I'll have some more down days, I know I'm not detached or out of the woods. I am glad that slowly but surely I see how lost and wayward my w is. I hope and pray she finds her way, for her sake. quickly. But in the mean time I will move forward and put my best foot forward everyday.
-focusing on cheesyt.
Cheesyt, don't you dare scoop catsh!t while OW on the deck having cocktails or whatever the heck she was doing out there. Get your stuff out of there and stand up for yourself, girl! You're being so accommodating, when you should be living your life. I don't want to see you being all easygoing while they are sleeping together, like it's not a big deal. It is. Stand up for yourself and get all your stuff outta there! I mean if OW is even signing D's homework? Let W figure it out for herself without dragging you into all this. And in the meantime? Enjoy your life and have fun!
Cheesyt, don't you dare scoop catsh!t while OW on the deck having cocktails or whatever the heck she was doing out there. Get your stuff out of there and stand up for yourself, girl! You're being so accommodating, when you should be living your life. I don't want to see you being all easygoing while they are sleeping together, like it's not a big deal. It is. Stand up for yourself and get all your stuff outta there! I mean if OW is even signing D's homework? Let W figure it out for herself without dragging you into all this. And in the meantime? Enjoy your life and have fun!
^^^^ what she said.
Well said NYGal! OW doesn't sound as nice as you Cheesy so you've got nothing to worry about. Don't they say that the S always affairs down...?
Anyway, her toothbrush is only temporary!!!
Cheesy I didn't know you were friends with ForGump (FG) in real life!! :0)
Cheesy I didn't know you were friends with ForGump (FG) in real life!! :0)
Ha! I keep thinking how awesome it would be to have a DB meetup somewhere to get some beers and watch some football or something! If only the world were smaller!
Cheesyt, you hang in there. I apologize for being awol the past week or so, but everyone is right. You are a great person and have a lot to be proud of. Don't dwell on the OW stuff. It is what it is. I'm jealous of the great GAL activities you've got planned for the weekend! Keep focusing on you and you'll be good!
coly, no I do not know ForGump. LOL i just decided to name my friend for this purpose FG. since he's friend, and he likes the gators. I think I have a FriendA roaming my thread. haha sorry for the confusion. Yes my W has affair-ed down...i guess we will never know WHY.
NYgal, I didn't think of scooping the cat poop. LOL when you put it THAT way I see the point. I saw it more as he's my cat, my responsibility. I'm there to do what I have to so I can get on my merry way. CheesyT will not scoop the poop! Yes, I have begun a list my stuff I need to take. I need to find a place to put my winter tires and my tools and stuff.
maybs, thanks for always seconding (is that a word lol) what nygal says. I usually just re read the post and think of you.
lt0402 - that would be awesome! we should make a DB retreat! lol lots of beer and football. we should set it up in VEGAS. (I actually thought you might live close by when you mentioned some resort you were taking your D9 to. I got all excited and then I realized there's like a thousand over the US) -thank you for your kind words as always
thank you all for the kind and eye opening words
Cheesy, I think it makes a real statement if you remove every single thing that is yours, including the cat. If you can't keep the cat, see if W wants him and if not, the Humane Society. I'd take the cat but W is allergic! No more cool skiwear for W. She's on her own. She won't be skiing with her smokin' and I don't mean smokin' hot new gal.
Get your tooth brush out of there. No, wait. Never, ever stick that thing in your mouth again. When you get your stuff out of there, just throw it in the trash -- her trash, so she sees you don't need it. Did I tell you about my friend who peed on her WH's toothbrush for months? He thought that yellow discoloration was some reaction to some meds he was taking!!!
Your W is one very confused WW and she needs to get her own cat poop together. GAL and enjoy it. Date, love your life. If she sees the new Cheesyt 2.0 she might just want her back.
Thank you Nygal. I am making a list to make sure I don't forget anything. I don't want to take all my stuff because It feels like I'm helping her forget me but I know I must. & I know its necessary to move forward in either direction. anddddd OW doesn't get to cook with MY D with my fancy knives.
journaling / update went to D's soccer practice. Got there and W was sitting on the sidelines. Was going to sit on grass but it was super wet, W handed me her keys and said I could grab the other chair. I did. (not sure if I should've or not, but I did) I sat next to wife, Not too close. We had very small talk, only about soccer and weather. I was texting with a friend after some time, and I noticed W got on her phone as well. My friend was sending funny things so I kept laughing and texting back. Could see out of the corner of my eye W was scrolling through Fbook, and when she was typing she wasn't smiling like usual. Just an observation. Anytime I picked my phone up so did W. Soccer ended and we walked back to the cars. Said my good byes to D and over heard W on the phone with what I think was OW, in a very kind and sweet voice she said "i'll see you soon" I pretended not to listen. W got in her car and I had a moment alone with D. then W yelled from her car bye. I waved but tried to get going. I kept smiling, laughing (not with w) and keeping it short and sweet, light. and just pleasant today. Acting as if helped my mood overall. W was in her scrubs. She looked tired, she was leaning into the chair, I wanted to reach over and comfort her and scratch her head as I usually used to when she's so tired but It was only for a few seconds that I thought this, then she started talking and It quickly passed.
It doesn't hurt as much as It used to. Just because she finally admitted it doesn't mean I didn't already think it. It does pain me that it's no longer ME who she's calling, or making her happy. But there's absolutely nothing I can do. I believe I've finally come to accept that. (or i'm super close) W is going to do and be her and I will continue to work on me and do Cheesyt.
Was talking to a friend earlier about my W. Started looking at my pictures on my phone...I realized I could not find very many pictures where i could say "awwwww" I don't know if that makes sense. But perhaps I am seeing my W as a different person completely because I remember most pictures of W i think "awww" or "how cute" I believe I only found one. And she was sleeping. Me not thinking very good thoughts of my W is new for me. It's strange. I do not understand it.
Roommate, Bf and girls were home. They had just sat to have dinner. I sat and ate with them. Then RBF (roommates bf) made cookies. It was cloudy and dark by then. I had a moment where I looked around, it was nice and toasty because of the oven, kids were running, I sat at the table and roommate was eating cookie batter and I said "i could get used to this" for some odd reason I felt like we were...good? like this was familiar? I don't have exact words for what I felt. I told them I liked this, that I could see this picture in the winter with snow falling. roommate agreed and started adding a christmas tree "over there" and "I'll make hot chocolate" ...it was really nice. I joked with RBF and asked If he liked "this" and If roommate failed to tell him she has 3 daughters instead of two, one of which is 27 yrs old. RBF hugged me. It was nice. The more time passes the more plans and future I create. Without W. I'd rather have my future with my W but that's no longer an option. I'm working on being ok with making my own sole future, for me.
certainly would love to have my wife & D back, but sitting in my little room typing this, not really knowing what tomorrow is going to bring isn't so bad after all.
-am I beginning to accept this?
Glad to hear that you are making a list to get your stuff out and that you are feeling better at your new place. I know its not where we "want" to be but moving forward for yourself is the best place for us to be right now!! Have fun today, I'm jealous!!!
something I need to work on.
I canceled a hike to go hang out with FG. I also decided myself, that I'd miss D's soccer. (all games are usually at 9am, today's was at noon) FG and I were supposed to head to Gator bar around noon. Well FG had some get together last night and was moving slow / is hung over. Changed the bar to meet to our downtown (we both live really close) instead of the big gator bar downtown. Now I know It was my decision and I am an adult and I chose FG over soccer and hike. but damn I hate when people change plans last minute. It bothers me because I could've gone on my hike and made it back to our new plan or I could've gone to D's soccer game and still made it to our new plan. So, the old me would be upset and not enjoy the day and be pissy. This new cheesyt is going to write about my frustration and I will go get dressed and go meet FG downtown and enjoy the gators game and have a good time.
because this issue could've been with W and I know I've done this plenty of times when plans change last minute. I am not a fan of last minute changes. I have a very difficult time with it. I do not like change. I like to plan and stick to my plan.
This is why this whole situation with W is so hard, I believe. I do not like change. And the past 5 plus months have been nothing but change.
-I will enjoy my new last minute plans for today.
my weekend was less than exciting. lounged around in my pj's most of sunday. Met MIL before her shift to get her a couple of things. Also went shopping for jeans and a space heater since it's getting colder here. I have a cold. Makes me grumpy and makes me want my W even more. As she'd make me tea. My sister texted me last night, something about my W asking some questions about the cell bill we are all on. My sister told my W to contact me. W has not. Not sure why W's not coming to me directly. but whatever, nothing i can do. No contact with W since we said bye on Friday after soccer. It's monday. another monday without W.
-I'm ok but I miss my W
Sounds like a relaxing weekend...how was the MIL? I know another with out W...I hear you...I'm ok but I miss mine as well...
w texted me
w-i'm going to apply for food stamps. fyi.
me- are you applying as a household or alone?
w- as a house hold right?
w- i have to include you since we are married..
me- i would like more information on this, i am at work right now. would you like to discuss it later or tomorrow in person?
w - i'm not sure what info you need. please feel free to research online. i am happy to apply without including you if you decide that is the best action. i would like to apply by tomorrow (online) let me know what you decide.
me- i need info on how this affects me. what exactly is this program. I did do a google search before texting you and got various websites. what's the one you are looking at?
w- sent link.
w- there's all the info
me- great i will get back to you when i have a moment to inform myself.
wth...idk idk. W is freaking out about money? maybe she should stop spending all that money on CC's.
W cleared out our accounts, our joint cd. I know she has money in a secured loan I saw the paperwork.
Is this for D10?
Do I want my name on govt assistance?
My salary is enough for MY family and myself.
I feel weird being in this position.
Have been putting off more L's.
I want this to be over.
I need this to be over.
Do I agree, do I tell her to apply on her own?
Do i need to be worried about the debt she's getting herself into?
I'm pissed. W is going out drinking and partying, and shopping. W is going on this vacation in a week but wants to be on govt assistance?
WTF.
WTF.
-trying to stay sane.
What is the plan to get your half of the money back from the CD?
It doesn't matter if your name is on gov't assistance I don't think, but I'm not sure. Probably best to separate your assets, though. You're not living there so she shouldn't use you to get assistance. Besides, wouldn't your income disqualify her for food stamps? She can't have it both ways.
Can W hurt your immigration status if she gets mad at you?
Yes, you definitely need to worry about the debt she's getting herself into. You need to separate your assets. She can't use your money to finance her A, her partying, or her vacation.
And QUIT ASKING TO SEE HER IN PERSON!!! Cheesy, she's in a fog and she's using you. If you keep asking to see her she gets to control you. That's NOT attractive. So stop it, I beg you!!!!
Get your stuff out of there. Forget the tooth brush. OW has probably done things to it that you don't want to think about. Remember my story about the friend who peed on her husband's toothbrush for months???
Cancel the credit card and do it NOW. You will drive yourself crazy if you see what she's spending money on, and if you're financing her life style? You are already crazy. Cheesy, enabling her bad behavior is NOT going to win her back. Right now you look like a doormat with her footprints all over your back. Not attractive either.
Tell her to apply on her own. You don't live there. You are not part of her household.
I did also wonder about the govt assistance thing. I looked into it for my state and it's kind of a gray area for me. Like if I were to apply I think I could swing it either way even though we are TECHNICALLY still married and I COULD count her income I think because we live in separate households I don't HAVE to count her income.
I, personally, would not let my WW apply for govt aid using my income or any of my information. Even if your income doesn't disqualify her she could potentially get more assistance because you would increase the size of her household. I'd make her do it for just her and your D. Don't help her.
I am NOT being a doormat, anymore. I did cancel the CC from the other day. (I had no idea W had that CC saved on her fandango account) I do not have access to any of her information, and I am not financing her WW lifestyle. I have D on Wednesday, which is why I asked If she wanted to discuss this then. I am getting all my things on Wednesday.
When we were M I trusted her and let her make the decisions. Now I'm just trying to be informed and do what's best for CHEESYT. I know It took a while but trust, I am on board with moving forward and not allowing myself to be a doormat. I don't think she likes that, but I don't really care.
Good, cheesyt, awesome. I didn't mean to be harsh.
Good job Cheesyt!! NY...I don't think you harsh..us new folks need to get it through our heads not to let them cake eat!!