Ok so been here a very long time and have been helped by so many over the months.
SH_ thank you for standing by me I have started in the homework and I. Have watched a couple of the guy winch talks found them very interesting
So I am really going to do my best to make this next thread all about me and what I can do to help me.
I have been training with a personal trainer and although I have been packing on the muscle I know this by the weights I am now able to lift I still find that my weight is not shifting so diet is 80 % of what is the problem
I would say I am about 60 lbs over weight I realise it is not just about weight it is more about how I look and how I feel so I will use this as a guide
So for the next week I am going to monitor exactly what I am eating and I am going to make a reall effort that each and very time I go to grab something unhealthy instead I will DRINK THE WATER - TAKE A SIP and eat something healthy instead and at the end of the week I will weigh myself again
Every day I will start the day with 30 minutes of exercise at home. I have been paying a huge amount for a personal trainer and he has helped me but it is time I helped myself.
Goals for this week
Be more in touch with my children's needs I will spend a measurable amount of quality time with each of my children.
Do my share of the housework and I will decide what is enough.
Not get drawn in to arguments practice empathy and validation
I am going to look for somewhere to volunteer and by the end of the week I will report back here and let you know what I have found.
Ghost
Ok so I wanted to keep this thread about me but I have a rather pressing problem question
My W and my 15 year old son have fallen out big time over the state off his bedroom and neither of them will back down least of all my W
She as already stopped him going on a small vacation with a fried and has also imposed that he cannot go out with friends or have friends over
My son is now saying that he will not do his bedroom because mummy did not back down and that he will not back down as he feels she is,now being unreasonable
Now my W very rarely if ever backs,down
She,disowned her. Father he let step mum abuse her turned a blind eye And disowned her mother(she walked out. On her when she. Was 5)
I do not want a huge wedge to be built between the two of them and also what if my w says to me are you not going to back me up ? Making me choose happy son or back up my W with punishments
Any advice
Many thanks
Ghost
Here is my advice.
Go in and be like hey, can we at least fix up X? (one part of disaster room). Then maybe mom will calm down. I will help you.
Bit parts.
Or, "how about we reorganize X area. let's do this."
baby steps.
Is he a hoarder? does he have issues? lots of kids with issues actually can't figure out how to organize/clean a room.
I agree with Altair, you need to tread carefully with playing one another off and risk of playing mr nice guy dad who allows anything so long as kid is happy.
This is really tricky. My child is a toddler, and at times. I really don't agree with how my wh parents. But who am I to say that I'm right and he's wrong. So meeting in a middle ground would be good. Tell your wife you will speak to him. And don't do it for son, but assist. Help him reorganise, rearrange his BR.
So to share a little more information
I just feel that they should compromise but my w is stubborn and never backs down and eldest son he is digging in his feet he has already been punished big time and because she did not manage to get him to back down and do his room she is adding further punishments / blackmail (his view). Conditions /boundaries (her view).
He did tidy his room at least he started to but because it was not done to her level she did not let him go on a summer break with a school friend.
I feel I should step in as the man of the house regain my balls not to undermine her or to come down on him like a ton of bricks but to stand as the voice of reason and put a stop to this before my son and my W fall out big time.
Remember I had a massive falling out with my eldest daughter and it has taken a very long time with lots of effort for me to repair our relationship I feel it is now much better but still has potential to fire up if not managed respectfully.
My son is a very hard worker and a good lad does a lot for me but then I do a lot for him my W does very little for my son and so he does very little for her this needs to be addressed. I was always very close to my son and she was closer to our daughter.
One other huge concern is that in the past he has got upset and has self harmed he has cut himself lightly with a blade....yesterday when he was told that he was not going to be allowed to go on the summer break he got so upset that he cut himself ...again it was lightly but it was enough to give me concern.
So I have a 17 year old daughter that has self harmed and has taken an overdose small enough that it was a cry for help but non the less an overdose and I have a 15 year old self harming .....so is this because they are both so unhappy about mummy and daddy separating and the threat of living in seperate houses or is it because mummy and daddy are separated yet living together is it this causing them to get upset as they see daddy upset and mummy pulling away ...or is it just them being teenagers rebelling
Do I move out ask my son where he wants to live live ...I suspect he will say with me just as my daughter would say she wants to live with mummy and then child swap the other children with my W ....I want to keep the family unit together but at what cost ?
Thank you
Ghost
Ghost,
eh,
a room tidy isn't worth your ball retrieval or not, in my opinion. i think the self harming happens to kids these days if their parents are separating or not, I've seen a lot of it, I am speaking from experience of knowing teens.
Don't be hard on yourself.
Develop a relationship with your son (and daughter) that you want, for you , for them. Teenagers these days are HARD. They don't live in the world we grew up in. I've had IC tell me to focus on the relationship with the kid, not sweat small stuff like messy room. This of course is in contrast to your W, but you can somehow separate your feelings about the room, and hers, validate both of them, and keep neutral. my advice is the last sentence.
Let your w and s work on their own relationship. It is not for you to get involved or try to have any influence on that.
And as Altair says don't over evaluate the reasons behind your kids doing what they are doing. Truth is it could be a million different things that influence the behaviors. Sure your r with the w is causing strain for them but is is not the sole reason and you can't fix that.
G my friend stay focused here.
You need to do what is right here for you first.
I agree that validating both of them is good, but don't over step your w ability and authority with s. Don't worry that s will be upset with you because you don't step in.
It is a tough spot to be in with an in house s, but there is much info out there about co parenting that can provide insight for you.
Keep learning and stay focused on fixing you. You need to put on your oxygen mask before you can help everyone else.
Thank you for the advice re my son I just want to talk to them both and get a resolution
Well today started the day feeling really lonely taking my two older children out for breakfast but I just feel at a loss without my W wanting to be there.
Did not manage to get out with both my children before they were at each other ended up with me taking my daughter back home and going off to breakfast with just my son and toddler .....now feeling totally crap
I am finding this situation so difficult breaking down all the time and I have just booked an appointment with my doctor
Got to be the rock
So much for this thread being about me
You are the one who has to make it about you!
You need to chip away at your issues and problems one by one. I feel you pile them all up in front of you and then become overwhelmed by the task.
Back to the tidy room issue. I agree with others who have said that it is nit your place to FIX the R between them. You have been fired as H, so it is not your role to support W either. It is best when ye agree but you have no obligation to agree with her.
That brings me to the crunch of the issue. What do you as man of the house want? You want to step into that role but have never shared what you think yourself. You have outlined both their sides very well, but not YOUR viewpoint.
Best wishes.
Okay Ghost.
Let's make the next one about you.
What have you done for your homework?
What are you learning?
How will you implement an action from what you have learned?
Hi SH ok time,for,the,homework,
PART 1 (Be sure the you have read and pondered part 1)
FEAR-How will you overcome it and be the man only a fool will leave?
“Fear is not real. The only place that fear can exist is in our thoughts of the future. It is a product of our imagination, causing us to fear things that do not at present and may not ever exist. That is near insanity. Do not misunderstand me danger is very real but fear is a choice.” Will Smith
Ghost,
I am going to share some resources and information that has helped me tremendously as I am traveling my own journey.
I am going to challenge you to take actions that you have thus far avoided doing.
The actions will be focused on you so you can step up, man up, and become the person only a fool will leave.
Will you commit?
Will you permit me to be an accountability partner for getting on?
If you agree here is your homework to get started.
_________________________________________________________________________________________
The first thing I want you to do is google the Black Door Story.
Read several of the links. There are minor details that change, but the message is the same.
Share with me how you see yourself playing a role in the story.
Share with me how you see fear and what is through the door.
Ok I have watched the first few ted talks and here are my thoughts
Guy Winch Emotional First Aid ....was very interesting and,I can see just how little time is given to emotional health...I can see that I have been in a very low place perhaps a dark place and that there is nothing wrong with asking for help with my emotions - then I understand that emotions just like fear come from my mind and they are not real....I mean the emotions are real ...in my mind and you can feel your emotions but they come from your thoughts
I think I am the kind of person who would need to watch these several times and I have found a way that I can download them to my iPad make a folder and this will make it easy to find ..I can also listen to them off line
I have for the past year beeten myself up I am the one being hard on myself I am the one telling myself that I have been a bad man that I deserve to be in pain I am the one who keeps bringing myself back to the point of feeling very low almost in a way that I feel I have to in order to become accountable for my behaviour during our marriage I cannot control her and make her change her mind so I choose to pick on the one person who I can control ....Me.
I look at the failure of our marriage and I have been taking all the blame and it is time for this to stop yes I will stand and be accountable for my share but I will not take all the blame.
The Black Door - I am so wrapped up in my fear that I am terrified to let go of the past a past that was not even the best path so if I was the prisoner would I have taken the fireing squad ...without hesitation yes I would. Now here is a thought I am afraid to go through the door because a part of me knows that there is a real risk that I would actually find something better and I am keep telling myself I am not alowd to be happy and that I should be feeling low .....if I am not feeling low if I start to feel remotely happy then i start telling myself that I should not be happy and that I need to get myself back to the point of feeling upset so I choose to bring myself down to the point of feeling so low ...but this is my choice
All I can see is the negatives of what happens when in reality so many wonderful things await .....
My children are getting older well my eldest two are and soon very soon they really will be completely independent .
My son is 15 nearly 16 and my W is telling him what to do like he is a baby for the past week she has been nagging him to sort out his bedroom stopping him from going on a mini holiday now saying he cannot have friends over saying he cannot go out with his friends my W tells me that I was controlling she is being very controlling and no one likes to be controlled
So getting back to my emotional health I am exhausted both mentally and physically not sleeping well waking early little support not much love and affection except from my children.
Right now I am going to go back to sleep I deserve to treat myself to some extra rest before a busy day looking after my children as my W is working
I will post again later
Feeling better feeling stronger
Thank you
Ghost
So watched the black doors and also
Watched [censored] the fear and again
I have never pushed myself and my life has been about half measures
I am going to step up my diet and weight loss I want to start to feel good about myself body image has always been poor
More homework tomorrow
Had a tough day small brake down over the mess in the house and then my w had the decency to tell me that I am still not doing enough
I am doing enough I could never sustain the amount that she wants me to do so even if I change myself I just could not sustain the amount that she expects of me
Totally unrealistic expectations
Took my middle son out bowling had a lovley time
How do I shift from feeling just so lonley I miss her when she is at work and then when she is arround I cannot be close to her so I feel alone
Thank you for your help
How do I shift from feeling just so lonley I miss her when she is at work and then when she is arround I cannot be close to her so I feel alone
Thank you for your help
AtPeace - it's called detaching and it will be the hardest thing you will ever do. You need to find your own peace and centre that doesn't include her. Even after all these months I still struggle with that myself but I'm assured that with patience, time, and finding other priorities in your life it can be done.
Stay strong.
Ok I want to keep this thread positive I am doing the homework I am working on my weight loss i have a long way to go.
I love my children spending time with them making them smile and be happy
I love my sister she has been so supportive she is fantastic
I love my mum she is getting older and I need to focus my time on helping her
I love my job helping others and I have a lot of good going for me
I am financially secure
I have nice cars but cars mean nothing
The one thing I do not have is my wife and I still do not quite understand how one person can hold so much power and control over me I am giving her this power and control.
So where I am at I feel like crap I want to be able to fix this
I want to be happy when I am in my own company.
I read posts here and i look at webpages and a lot of my time is taken up worrying today would have been our 17 year wedding anniversary
I want to volunteer at a local charity shop but when can I fit this into my schedule
I have to work three or four days a week and the other days I have to have my children when do I find the time to be in the shop
I want to work out have to find the time for this as well I want to do mornings and nights twice a day
I will become the best person I can be and I will do this for me and for my children
Ghost
Been working on the homework not been feeling quite so emotional
I still wish I could change things but I think I am starting to understand that this is not about me
Now to detach
How did you go from this:
Ok I want to keep this thread positive I am doing the homework I am working on my weight loss i have a long way to go.
I love my children spending time with them making them smile and be happy
I love my sister she has been so supportive she is fantastic
I love my mum she is getting older and I need to focus my time on helping her
I love my job helping others and I have a lot of good going for me
I am financially secure
To this?
I have nice cars but cars mean nothing
The one thing I do not have is my wife and I still do not quite understand how one person can hold so much power and control over me I am giving her this power and control.
So where I am at I feel like crap I want to be able to fix this
It took you one line to completely sabotage your own effort to be positive. There is nothing wrong with appreciating what you have. It is not a crime to have nice cars. Are you ashamed because you sound materialistic? I love my car. LOVE it. That is ok. Be proud of your car - we won't think less of you. Even anonymously, you are afraid we won't like you. Are you not entitled to own a car and be proud of it? Are you afraid that no one will like you if you sound materialistic? Where is your self-esteem currently? I think it is very very low. You need to love yourself and realize that you have intrinsic self-worth - no matter how you feel or how your W is making you feel. I am assuming that you you have low self-esteem: it is blinding you from making good decisions and you have a doormat mentality. It is also feeding your true addiction: self-pity. That is your comfort zone. You need to get out of that zone. The only one holding you back is you. I hope you will be able to one day look back at this time and realize that it was the time of your greatest growth.
You are not a "husband", your are not a "father", you are not a "profession", you are not your "successes", you are not your "mistakes", you are not your "failures". Those are all just labels, titles and roles. You can choose to identify with them or not. RATHER, YOU
ARE A SOUL. YOU HAVE INTRINSIC SELF-WORTH. YOU ARE LOVED. YOU DESERVE AS MUCH AS ANY ONE ELSE IN THE WORLD. START LOVING YOURSELF.
RAI
Thank you for posting RAI I do have to keep myself More positive I am very negative
So I have today spent a really lovely day out in London with two of' my children and my W said we get along so much better when we are out the house
I suppose one of my biggest fears is us getting along well but her not willing to work at a new marriage and then she meets and falls in love with someone else
Now I realise this may happen I just wish she would see how well we got along today and then want to work on it how can I do this when I cannot have conversations
Thank you
Ghost
Thank you for posting RAI I do have to keep myself More positive I am very negative
So I have today spent a really lovely day out in London with two of' my children and my W said we get along so much better when we are out the house
I suppose one of my biggest fears is us getting along well but her not willing to work at a new marriage and then she meets and falls in love with someone else
Now I realise this may happen I just wish she would see how well we got along today and then want to work on it how can I do this when I cannot have conversations
Thank you
Ghost
G,
There you go again using that "F" word.
What have we discussed about that?
You have done 2 things in this post that you have been told not to, over and over again.
You believe what she says.
And you have predicted a future based on her actions.
What has this ever benefited you other that to throw a pity party for yourself?
G, have you see an IC about your low self esteem?
Have you inquired from a professional about a depressive disorder?
Please share with me on this.
I really think some professional guidance is in order.
I want to apologize for not being here as I took a short break and am working out some of my issues, but I am still checking in on you.
I see you have gotten into some of the homework.
This post leads me to perceive you may be struggling to apply it.
What are your updates with reviewing the homework?
What are your updates with applying the homework?
Updates for taking some action?
PS,
She won't realize there is anything to work on if you don't get the work on you done first.
This I will continue to smack into your head with the sledgehammer until it sticks. (You have become immune to the 2x4's, so something a bit stronger is needed to get you moving along)
I would also like to hear one thing that you have sought out on your own to study, review and apply to your own life.
You gotta be invested in this to make it work.
I'm checking on you G, we are gonna push you on through.
Hi SH
So I am still stuck in this flipping FEAR word so I am stuck in my thoughts I guess the fear and the what if only I had done this or if only I had done that so living in the past nothing will ever change what I have done.
So how do I get over the regrets of the past .......I guess I have to accept my mistakes and allow myself to forgive myself.
Fear is not real it is a thought I have to get myself to the point where I am ok with whatever happens
My life is revolving around work and looking after my children and doing housework right now I am not interested in meet ups groups and going out with different people to make new friends .....yet this so probably the one thing I should be doing to take my mind off my
I have started watching other ted talks as well
One step at a time
So how do I get over the regrets of the past .......I guess I have to accept my mistakes and allow myself to forgive myself.
As a woman who betrayed the one man who loved her the most.......I can honestly tell you that you never forget what you did to your spouse, but you don't dwell on it all the time.
I hurt my H very badly. I thought about what I had done every single day. I would pray, cry, read, or whatever.......trying to forgive myself, b/c I had no peace in my soul. I learned that it is harder to forgive yourself than anyone else.
Every day & night........and all in between........something would trigger my mind to think of my betrayal. If I was at work or around anyone, I would silently tell myself that my H forgave me, and that God forgave me, and for me to not forgive myself was not what either (my H or God) wanted. I would silently pray or recite scripture to give me strength to get through that period.
I learned I had to refuse to wallow in past actions that could not be undone. Do I still regret it? Yes! I will regret it until the day I die. However, I don't dwell on the memories of what I did. To strap myself to a whipping post and administer lashing every day, does not benefit my MR. I am sickened by my wayward actions and I will forever be sorry. What can I do about the past? How can I make it up to my H? How can I show my H that I believe our M is worth me getting off the whipping post and began having a real relationship again.......instead of me centered on myself and keeping that pain alive for both of us? I refuse to allow my past actions to continue to destroy our M today. Do you understand what I am saying?
I don't have as many triggers now. The deaths of my mother and daughter were triggers. But as for as the haunting memories paralyzingly me from taking today and living the best..... and loving the best.....that I can, I won't allow my past actions to have the power to destroy me or my M. Learn from it? Yes! Regret it? Yes! Undo it? Impossible.
There is a song Jerry Lewis use to sing at the end of the MS telethon every year here in the U.S. The title is, You'll Never Walk Alone. The part that always made me cry, is when he would very emotionally try to sing......."walk on......walk on.....with hope in your heart.....and you'll never walk alone". It was a song with a message to these children and adults who had this crippling disease to keep on.....don't give up. Although they may be bound to wheelchairs, in their hearts they were walking!
I guess that's what I want to say to you. Maybe you were mistreated, or maybe you weren't fair to those who love you. Don't give up. Don't lay down and die. Don't stay strapped to the whipping post. That is no good for anyone! Get up and start walking forward, looking forward.......not backward. Don't dwell on the past, Ghost. Today is a new day. Walk on, and make the most of it.
Sandi2
First thank you not just for your post but thank you for still posting to me what you wrote makes a lot of sence and I do believe that it is me keeping myself in this painful position almost because of a combination of fear or being alone....really alone or I feel that if I punish myself enough make myself feel bad keep myself in this low position then my W would ultimately see how sorry I am and would eventually change her feelings back towards me
I think it was my DB Coach that said people's feelings do change and just because she feels resentment now or sadness one will not always feel these feelings.
I have been crippled by fear I am scared she will meet someone else despite her telling me since breakup that she is not looking for another relationship and if she never had one ever again then she would not be bothered she is very happy in her own company.... I know what she says may or may not remain the case she might fall In love with someone else end up sleeping with them forming a relationship But at some point I am fairly sure that the new partner will do something to piss here off leave up the toilet seat or leave socks arround not load the dishwasher or empty the rubbish perhaps he will choose not to want to spend some time with her it does not matter what it is ...it will be something and she will have feelings of Oh No Not Again......
I am a good man I love and adore my children I am a man that chose to sometimes put myself first have a life outside of the marriage and this left my w feeling alone and right now I choose to continue to love my W and I guess this is where I need to understand the word D E T A C H M E N T ...and I really need to understand that you can still love someone from a distance ..,it is a choice ....and yet let them live the life they want to live without it affecting me and this is where I really struggle.
So I crave affection and I want to feel loved....I do not want to stray sometimes I feel so lonely.... I remember my W saying to me after breakup have you any idea how it feels to be in a house with five other people and no one wanted to spend any time with me ....I know what this feels like
It is time for me to stop letting my past actions continue to affect my relationship with my children and with my W
Even much of this post talks about the past it has to begin with a small step
Sandi2 thank you
Ghost
I feel that if I punish myself enough make myself feel bad keep myself in this low position then my W would ultimately see how sorry I am and would eventually change her feelings back towards me
If I remember correctly, you have apologized to your W, and put forth effort to show your sorrow. The DB coach is right, your W's feelings could change. In order for her feelings to be good toward you, she needs to see you lifting your head, standing tall, shoulders back, and speaking with confidence. These are positive male body language that attract his W. Not the beaten down dog who slips around with his tail tucked between his legs.
I hope you will follow the advice and support SH is giving you.
If you keep yourself in a low position, your wife cannot look up to you.
Hi AP, it has been a while since I wrote on your post. I completely understand where you are coming from with the fear and being negative. I also agree with you it's hard to detach, but would you mind if I gave you few things that have helped me.
The first one concerns the negativity and low self-esteem, as I have suffered from it (and still does), I know how hard it is to break what we are familiar with. As a general guess, people don't like changes, unfortunately changes are always around. From the seasons, to you being lucky to be at work on time one day and not the next!
Firstly how do I combat my negativity: each day I wrote something I'm grateful for. Today for instance I went to town at a busy time: I didn't find a parking space, so went round again a second time and it was waiting for me! Afterwards went to buy an extension lead, I wasn't too impressed with the price but I needed to buy it. When I went to pay it was reduced and it was around the price I wanted to pay initially! Thirdly my dishwasher broke down (old me would have been angry and devastated), but I looked at my sink and said my grandparents didn't have one and they managed without it, so what's the big deal!
It took me ages to see things in a positive way but I'm doing it and it works. It's a slow process to fight negativity, but if you put the work in and don't give up (I must have given up at least 10 times before I could see positives in my everyday life) you will feel better!
Low self-esteem: write down everything you wanted to do when you were younger and measure with what you have now. When I was a teenager I wanted to be a teacher, have my own house, get married and have kids. I'm now 41 and I have achieved all of them!
About letting go: again write down everything you had to let go willingly or not and see what came up instead. An example: 10 years ago I resigned from my job and moved back with my parents. Within one month of resigning I had a found a job and while with this job I found another one and met H.
Even if I'm here trying to save my M, I have looked at all the things I had to let go to be where I am and it turned out that it was for the better. At the time I didn't see it that way, but it is true.
I have been a negative with very low self-esteem person for 20 years and it is hard work, but I'm breaking that cycle and it takes a lot of strength but I'm doing it and feel better. I hope this has helped you.
G:
I just scanned your thread and I really feel for you. A year ago the bomb drop happened in my house. I spent the next 4 months begging, pleading, apologizing, etc, etc.
The most salient point that came out of my DB session was that is is a wake up call.
You can use this wake up call to improve yourself, build strong relationships with your children, family and friends. The bottom line is - whatever the W is dealing with it is hers to deal with.
After a year (W moved out 3 months ago), I'm ten times the man I was then. I completely run my home, I'm thrilled with the changes I've made in myself and now I'm getting to the detachment part.
Yes, missing her and your role as a husband and all the things that come with it will be with you for a while. Once you get a little success under your belt, the feelings of strength will multiply.
I found that success in: Completing home projects, learning how to cook and run my home, new hobbies, I even got a motorcycle.
Best of luck, I'm rooting for you.
I am a good man I love and adore my children.
---------------------------
This is the most positive thing I have seen you write about yourself.
It is how I see you too.
It is a wonderful statement.
V
So how do I get over the regrets of the past .......I guess I have to accept my mistakes and allow myself to forgive myself.
As a woman who betrayed the one man who loved her the most.......I can honestly tell you that you never forget what you did to your spouse, but you don't dwell on it all the time.
I hurt my H very badly. I thought about what I had done every single day. I would pray, cry, read, or whatever.......trying to forgive myself, b/c I had no peace in my soul. I learned that it is harder to forgive yourself than anyone else.
Every day & night........and all in between........something would trigger my mind to think of my betrayal. If I was at work or around anyone, I would silently tell myself that my H forgave me, and that God forgave me, and for me to not forgive myself was not what either (my H or God) wanted. I would silently pray or recite scripture to give me strength to get through that period.
Sandi I have BOLDED UP PARTS OF YOUR REPLY and I think this next part sums up what I need to be doing ....
I learned I had to refuse to wallow in past actions that could not be undone. Do I still regret it? Yes! I will regret it until the day I die. However, I don't dwell on the memories of what I did. To strap myself to a whipping post and administer lashing every day, does not benefit my MR. I am sickened by my wayward actions and I will forever be sorry. What can I do about the past? How can I make it up to my H? How can I show my H that I believe our M is worth me getting off the whipping post and began having a real relationship again.......instead of me centered on myself and keeping that pain alive for both of us? I refuse to allow my past actions to continue to destroy our M today. Do you understand what I am saying?I don't have as many triggers now. The deaths of my mother and daughter were triggers. But as for as the haunting memories paralyzingly me from taking today and living the best..... and loving the best.....that I can,
I won't allow my past actions to have the power to destroy me or my M. Learn from it? Yes! Regret it? Yes! Undo it? Impossible. There is a song Jerry Lewis use to sing at the end of the MS telethon every year here in the U.S. The title is, You'll Never Walk Alone. The part that always made me cry, is when he would very emotionally try to sing......."walk on......walk on.....with hope in your heart.....and you'll never walk alone". It was a song with a message to these children and adults who had this crippling disease to keep on.....don't give up. Although they may be bound to wheelchairs, in their hearts they were walking!
I guess that's what I want to say to you. Maybe you were mistreated, or maybe you weren't fair to those who love you. Don't give up. Don't lay down and die. Don't stay strapped to the whipping post. That is no good for anyone! Get up and start walking forward, looking forward.......not backward. Don't dwell on the past, Ghost. Today is a new day. Walk on, and make the most of it. sandi2 thank you my W and I have been getting along very well over the past three days it seems that when we are out of the house things are so much better
We have pretty much spent three days in each other company along with our younger children and the atmosphere has been very pleasant. How do people realise when they are getting to the piecing stage and what does that normally look like ...I do not think I am there but when I have good days and I feel happy and content and we we are in each other's company and making each other laugh and smile we are acting very much like the mum and dad that we are with our children and to anyone looking in we would be almost the ideal family how do I keep this going .....I know by not talking about the past I am not opening old wounds so STFU but is that not just putting things into denial is this not just sweeping things under the carpet
I have been feeling really happy the last few days and I realise that living in the past and bringing up the past is not working to make anything any better between us.
So all through my marriage my W has never been the one to initiate things it has always been up to me to take the first step so how does reconnecting with ones partner normally happen ?
Is it over time attraction builds again ?
Is it one day boom things just happen ?
Is it one day I say to her I want to be closer to you ?
Do I one day just reach out and hold her or hug her or hold her hand and see what happens with her reaction ?
Do I one day say to her look we have been getting along well for the past three months can we start to try and rebuild things ?
Suppose we were out and some guy started showing her attention would I just let it happen stand back and say nothing or walk away or would I be in his face what do you think your doing mate she is with me,????
I really struggle to know sometimes what to do and how to move forward ...I don't believe that moving forward has to be moving out the family home. I want a different relationship with my W and I can see that what we had before was crap things would need to be very different but I am not sure how I go about letting her know that I realise what was not good and I want her to have as much input into rebuilding things but right now she does not want to rebuild things
So is what I am doing working ...yes and no ....she has not moved out we generally get along but it is not rebuilding attraction ....it might be rebuilding other feelings that in time will rebuild attraction.
I want her to initiate things but for this to happen I have to pull back and I feel pulling back will put distance between us.
I REALLY do feel that I am much more level headed and I actually feel a little more I I control and even tho this post has been a little about her I feel I am starting to grasp things.
This is the first morning in ages where I have woken and have not had fear or panic and I would see this as progress so thank you
Ghost
I have been feeling really happy the last few days and I realise that living in the past and bringing up the past is not working to make anything any better between us.
We know. You were told bringing up the past and trying to talk about the R with her, is not the pathway to take at that point. But it was you that wanted to fix the R by talking about it. Remember?
I don't want to interfer with SH's mentoring, so I will try to keep this short.
Considering the past year and the emotional state you were in for so long.........I believe you need to do what make
you happy.
So all through my marriage my W has never been the one to initiate things it has always been up to me to take the first step so how does reconnecting with ones partner normally happen ?
By initiating "things"............are you referring to show of affection? Do you mean initiate family activities? My take is to do whatever you want to do with the family. Don't make it tense and be in a strain. If she wants to participate, she will. If she doesn't participate, fine. Don't let her daily decisions dictate your emotions. Be happy, and the others follow your lead.
If you are referring to initiating affection........I suggest you continue presenting the atmosphere you have enjoyed the past three days. You may not be physically in the same location, but you can continue the pleasant attitude. Don't approach her for sex, b/c of how tense the relationship has been for so long. However, if you are standing next to her, walk past her, step around her.....etc., you could casually give her non-sexual touches. Most women want those non-sexual touches from the H. In your case, it may take weeks of slowly building a closer R with these little touches. Like, touch her shoulder, the small of her back, or her arm. Don't make it awkward, just act naturally and don't glare at her to see how she will react. After some time with these comfortable non-sexual touches, then we can discuss the next level of touches.
As a man, going without affection and sex for a long time........you are probably ready to jump into bed with her and have sex. For some women, they need for the relationship with the H to warm up before they are ready for the bedroom "affection". If you don't start with the little non-sexual touches and you just try to go right for the more intimate touching.......I think she will shoot it down. So, think of the non-sexual touches with you wife as step # 1 to foreplay.
. Easy does it. And, if she shoves away from a little pat on the back..........you will know she's not quite ready for the intimate touching.
Is it over time attraction builds again ?
It just depends on the people and their situation. Attraction is not always about physical appearances.
Is it one day boom things just happen ?
Well, you never know, but I think for a couple who has been together as long as you.....it is more likely to go like a crockpot instead of a microwave. But once it gets there, then you have to stay plugged in to the R.
Is it one day I say to her I want to be closer to you ?
It's possible.
Do I one day just reach out and hold her or hug her or hold her hand and see what happens with her reaction ?
If you start with the non-sexual touches first, and continue with that level for a while.......then it will come a day you can reach for her. But don't watch her to see her reaction. Act like a sexy, confident male. If she pulls away, you will know she isn't ready. You really need to understand it will be baby steps.
Do I one day say to her look we have been getting along well for the past three months can we start to try and rebuild things ?
Would you
need to ask her, Ghost? For
your own sake, would you need to ask her, and talk about things? Could you just start acting as if you are rebuilding a block at a time? My experience with you is that you have been stumped in a bad emotional place and don't seem to be able to follow through with the advice previously given. Since there was never proof of any affair, and considering your emotional/mental state, I am approaching your stitch a little differently this time. You have been painfully honest about your fears and right now, I don't think pressure from us is going to help you overcome your problems. You have got to get emotionally/mentally to a better place. I hope SH can show you how.
Suppose we were out and some guy started showing her attention would I just let it happen stand back and say nothing or walk away or would I be in his face what do you think your doing mate she is with me,????
Is this something you expect to occur? She is still your W, and if you are out together and some man starts given her unwanted attention........then protect her. If she encourages the attention....then take her home.
I said I was going to keep this short, and didn't want to interfer with what SH was doing, and I've said too much. Hopefully, SH will check in with you today.
On Sandi's non-sexual touches. This may work. However, I tried to do these 'touch charges' for a year or so. My WW hated it. She recoiled. I persisted though and frankly it just p!ssed her off even more. You will know if she is uncomfortable - don't carry on if she seems to be. Leave it for a while. Incidentally, I think you need to be in the right mood for this also - as you are still emotionally needy (it goes with practice, but takes time). For example of you are in a light and happy mood - great. But if you are needy - she will feel it. The contact may not them seem natural to her then. If it's not natural for you to touch in such a was in your relationship, be careful also. You W will spot inconsistent or awkward behavior and may consider you to be manipulative (even though you are trying to save your M). You must avoid looking manipulative at all costs. Your W will hate this.
Just a bit of background from my many months of getting this very, very, wrong. I hope it helps.
Surfer.
My life is revolving around work and looking after my children and doing housework right now I am not interested in meet ups groups and going out with different people to make new friends .....yet this so probably the one thing I should be doing to take my mind off my
ATPeace, I just scanned your latest thread, and you've gotten a lot of good advice on moving past the guilt and stepping up as a man, but I want to address what you wrote above.
What you are doing on a day to day basis is not helping you to better yourself. I don't know why you wouldn't be interested in going out and meeting new people, maybe because it is outside your comfort zone and feels like work, or maybe your just busy doing all your fatherly and husbandry duties, but I think you need to slice out time for you.
You closed with it is probably the one thing that will help you take your mind off your sitch, but do you know why it would help do that, because it would help you have a life of your own. It would help you see happiness outside the people in your household, it would help ATPeace be himself.
I highly suggest you find something to get out and socialize, doesn't need to be meet up groups, it can be signing up for something you already enjoy doing. Do you bowl? Sign up for a bowling league. Do you like to play pool? sign up for a pool league. Do you like to paint, write, debate, or anything else? Sign up for a college course (night courses tend to have older students). You see where I'm going with this? It's easier to socialize when you are doing something you enjoy doing, you just gotta set time aside for yourself, and get up and do something. You can do it, and you will be better for it.
G,
Alright, quite bit to catch up on here in the past couple of days. I have several points the I will make, some more homework and commitments that I will extend, and Thors Hammer will make an appearance, because you are becoming immune to the sledgehammer now.
I am going to try and do this in several posts so as to keep them a bit shorter and break it up for you,
Careful, someone will think you are taking lessons from Sandi in how to write loooooong posts.
You know, because we don't want any rumors floating around in here......right?
BUT I do ask that you commit to reading each one and
responding...to....each..one. Point on that in a moment.
My dear friend, Ghost ATPeace, read each one of your posts below and tell me what you see.
Ok so been here a very long time and have been helped by so many over the months.
SH_ thank you for standing by me I have started in the homework and I. Have watched a couple of the guy winch talks found them very interesting
So I am really going to do my best to make this next thread all about me and what I can do to help me.
I have been training with a personal trainer and although I have been packing on the muscle I know this by the weights I am now able to lift I still find that my weight is not shifting so diet is 80 % of what is the problem
I would say I am about 60 lbs over weight I realise it is not just about weight it is more about how I look and how I feel so I will use this as a guide
So for the next week I am going to monitor exactly what I am eating and I am going to make a reall effort that each and very time I go to grab something unhealthy instead I will DRINK THE WATER - TAKE A SIP and eat something healthy instead and at the end of the week I will weigh myself again
Every day I will start the day with 30 minutes of exercise at home. I have been paying a huge amount for a personal trainer and he has helped me but it is time I helped myself.
Goals for this week
Be more in touch with my children's needs I will spend a measurable amount of quality time with each of my children.
Do my share of the housework and I will decide what is enough.
Not get drawn in to arguments practice empathy and validation
I am going to look for somewhere to volunteer and by the end of the week I will report back here and let you know what I have found.
Ghost
sandi2 thank you my W and I have been getting along very well over the past three days it seems that when we are out of the house things are so much better
We have pretty much spent three days in each other company along with our younger children and the atmosphere has been very pleasant. How do people realise when they are getting to the piecing stage and what does that normally look like ...I do not think I am there but when I have good days and I feel happy and content and we we are in each other's company and making each other laugh and smile we are acting very much like the mum and dad that we are with our children and to anyone looking in we would be almost the ideal family how do I keep this going .....I know by not talking about the past I am not opening old wounds so STFU but is that not just putting things into denial is this not just sweeping things under the carpet
I have been feeling really happy the last few days and I realise that living in the past and bringing up the past is not working to make anything any better between us.
So all through my marriage my W has never been the one to initiate things it has always been up to me to take the first step so how does reconnecting with ones partner normally happen ?
Is it over time attraction builds again ?
Is it one day boom things just happen ?
Is it one day I say to her I want to be closer to you ?
Do I one day just reach out and hold her or hug her or hold her hand and see what happens with her reaction ?
Do I one day say to her look we have been getting along well for the past three months can we start to try and rebuild things ?
Suppose we were out and some guy started showing her attention would I just let it happen stand back and say nothing or walk away or would I be in his face what do you think your doing mate she is with me,????
I really struggle to know sometimes what to do and how to move forward ...I don't believe that moving forward has to be moving out the family home. I want a different relationship with my W and I can see that what we had before was crap things would need to be very different but I am not sure how I go about letting her know that I realise what was not good and I want her to have as much input into rebuilding things but right now she does not want to rebuild things
So is what I am doing working ...yes and no ....she has not moved out we generally get along but it is not rebuilding attraction ....it might be rebuilding other feelings that in time will rebuild attraction.
I want her to initiate things but for this to happen I have to pull back and I feel pulling back will put distance between us.
I REALLY do feel that I am much more level headed and I actually feel a little more I I control and even tho this post has been a little about her I feel I am starting to grasp things.
This is the first morning in ages where I have woken and have not had fear or panic and I would see this as progress so thank you
Ghost
Ghost
Respond to this post and then read the next.
Ghost,
Have you responded to the post above.^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
What is it you see when reading the two posts you made almost 2 weeks a part?
G, have you see an IC about your low self esteem?
Have you inquired from a professional about a depressive disorder?
Please share with me on this.
I really think some professional guidance is in order.
I did not see a reply from you on this question my friend?
I came to the realization that I have asked you this on several occasions, but never a reply.
May I ask you why?
Hi SH
So I am still stuck in this flipping FEAR word so I am stuck in my thoughts I guess the fear and the what if only I had done this or if only I had done that so living in the past nothing will ever change what I have done.
So how do I get over the regrets of the past .......I guess I have to accept my mistakes and allow myself to forgive myself.
Fear is not real it is a thought I have to get myself to the point where I am ok with whatever happens
My life is revolving around work and looking after my children and doing housework right now I am not interested in meet ups groups and going out with different people to make new friends .....yet this so probably the one thing I should be doing to take my mind off my
I have started watching other ted talks as well
One step at a time
Do you want the answers to these questions?
Do you want the treatment for this unhealthy mindset?
Your life revolving around those things is not living a full nor healthy life.
In church this week the lesson was about how by just not doing the "bad" things, does not mean that we are accomplishing any "good" things.
Positive actions towards accomplishing good things is needed. Simply sitting by, will almost assuredly lead us to the same places as simply doing bad things.
I am getting a D, because I sat back to often and it caught up with me.
Now, I can continue to sit and do nothing or I can learn from this and get up and get moving forward.
Think about that and all of the lessons and advice here and with DB.
Most of the LBS do not see that we were doing bad things, and that is why we are so shocked as the WAS.
But if we stop and look at it.
What good things were we neglecting?
Lets start with ourselves.
Then as we neglected ourselves, we began to neglect our spouse, children, etc.
Do you see how simply saying that you are focused on work, tending the children and house chores is simply the same things that got you into this position?
You are not changing, because you are doing more of the same.
Remember the insanity quote?
Growth and change does not come from remaining comfortable.
Growth and change does not come overnight.
sandi2 has said it many times.
Your W must respect you and be attracted to you for anything to change in the MR. The story you found in my thread that Vanilla posted.
Her heart is in that box still and you are not doing anything to convince her to pull it out.
You must understand and act on this my friend.
This is the Thor Hammer and it must sting, but you can do something about it.
Will you put forth the effort to do so it the only question you must ask and answer now.
"God changes caterpillars into butterflies, sand into pearls and coal into diamonds using time and pressure. He's working on you, too." -Rick WarrenPlease reply to my question about your seeking out professional assistance for your mindset.
Reply to this before reading the next post.
Ghost,
Have you responded to the post above.^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^Have you seen or are you seeing an IC for assistance with your mental and emotional well being?
I will make this the final of my postings for now until you are able to read, ponder and reply.
Plus we all know that anything over a trilogy is greedy, desperate and never measures up to the first one anyway, right!??!
So, if you are reading this, you will have shared your observation from your first and last post in this thread so far.
You will have shared your efforts to seek a coach in the form of an IC to obtain guidance, accountability and professional assistance.
And now to try and gain some focused momentum and direction.
The name of your thread is, "Taking my first sip of the water".
This is in reference to my story of leading the horse to water.
You started this thread by stating,
So I am really going to do my best to make this next thread all about me and what I can do to help me.
As I read that now, I see the flaw in this statement.
Can you see it?
Let me share a hint from a dear friend of ours, Vanilla. She posted this to another wise friend and supporter of mine here in the neighborhood.
One of the things I have learned and learned well as a result of DB is how important the words we use are in determining our attitude.
It makes a big difference self talk.
One of the things I noticed ... was the tendency to faulty thinking. Woolly will make the difference between success and failure.
So what do you say that we look at that?
V
Ghost can not say he will do his best....because that is not good enough.
When Ghost thinks this way.
Ghost writes this way
This further etches the emotions or lack thereof within the mindset.
The brain will let Ghost off when he fails as having done good enough.
Thors Hammer again my friend.
Your "best" has created a thread that is not about you and what you can do for you. It has created yet another thread of how much F- word you are still dealing with and what you can do to convince your WAW to come back to you.
BROKEN RECORD ANYBODY!?!?
Ghost, what do we do with a broken record?
We take the needle off, fix the player and get a new record.
What are you going to do to fix the broken record?
So, my homework for you is to watch the Ted Talk by Mel Robbins about screwing yourself over.
Find another ted talk, video, article or book with information that you need to help you move forward.
It can be about your inner peace, meeting people, courage, confidence, whatever, you find needed in your life.
Let me be sure that I clarify this is about what you need that does not include your W.
Next, 3 goals that are all about you.
Just 3.
We are going to attack those three and beat the hell out of them until they are part of you.
Do you commit to this?
Will you commit to this?
Now is the time.
This is the place.
You have nothing to lose, and everything to gain.
What say you my friend?
Are we going to do this?
“Any action is often better than no action, especially if you have been stuck in an unhappy situation for a long time. If it is a mistake, at least you learn something, in which case it's no longer a mistake. If you remain stuck, you learn nothing.” - Eckhart Tolle
Aww crap...
So here is the 4th installment even though I promised only a trilogy.
I'll keep it brief.
You have received some great information from sandi2, and you should read it closely as it relates to forgiving yourself and moving forward.
Print it and read daily until it is etched in your head.
Rouky shares a great way for you to start changing your brains poor programing about your F-word and negativity. Heed the advice as it is simple, doable, and by simply being consistent you will experience a change.
And I don't want to undercut any other advice as it relates to interacting with your wife, but I would say caution is needed. your posts indicate this is more for and about you than it is about her. You could really push things in a direction that you do not want. Stay focused on you.
Your postings are not showing that you have change to be the man she would be attracted to.
Stay focused on you. Heed Cnuts thoughts on get yourself out there and meet new people. Hiding from that will not help you. So just do it.
My friend, I say this to you as much as I say this to me as it is something that we both need for progress.
So just do it.
"Happiness is like a butterfly: the more you chase it, the more it will elude you, but if you turn your attention to other things, it will come and sit softly on your shoulder." -Nathaniel Hawthorne
Hi Ghost,
I hope you don't mind a quick hijack:
As a woman who betrayed the one man who loved her the most.......I can honestly tell you that you never forget what you did to your spouse, but you don't dwell on it all the time.
I hurt my H very badly. I thought about what I had done every single day. I would pray, cry, read, or whatever.......trying to forgive myself, b/c I had no peace in my soul. I learned that it is harder to forgive yourself than anyone else.
Every day & night........and all in between........something would trigger my mind to think of my betrayal. If I was at work or around anyone, I would silently tell myself that my H forgave me, and that God forgave me, and for me to not forgive myself was not what either (my H or God) wanted. I would silently pray or recite scripture to give me strength to get through that period.
Sandi - these words kind of shook me. Is it possible my WW is feeling this even as she is still completely wayward, or do these emotions only set in once the fog has lifted? I posed this question to you in my thread, but I know you have been posting here.
Back to your regularly scheduled program. Sorry for the interruption.
Best to you AP/Ghost. I'm still following. Kudos to you SH_. You are so kind to us all.
RAI
G,
Alright, quite bit to catch up on here in the past couple of days. I have several points the I will make, some more homework and commitments that I will extend, and Thors Hammer will make an appearance, because you are becoming immune to the sledgehammer now.
I am going to try and do this in several posts so as to keep them a bit shorter and break it up for you,
Careful, someone will think you are taking lessons from Sandi in how to write loooooong posts.
You know, because we don't want any rumors floating around in here......right?
BUT I do ask that you commit to reading each one and
responding...to....each..one. Point on that in a moment.
My dear friend, Ghost ATPeace, read each one of your posts below and tell me what you see.
Ok so been here a very long time and have been helped by so many over the months.
SH_ thank you for standing by me I have started in the homework and I. Have watched a couple of the guy winch talks found them very interesting
So I am really going to do my best to make this next thread all about me and what I can do to help me.
I have been training with a personal trainer and although I have been packing on the muscle I know this by the weights I am now able to lift I still find that my weight is not shifting so diet is 80 % of what is the problem
I would say I am about 60 lbs over weight I realise it is not just about weight it is more about how I look and how I feel so I will use this as a guide
So for the next week I am going to monitor exactly what I am eating and I am going to make a reall effort that each and very time I go to grab something unhealthy instead I will DRINK THE WATER - TAKE A SIP and eat something healthy instead and at the end of the week I will weigh myself again
Every day I will start the day with 30 minutes of exercise at home. I have been paying a huge amount for a personal trainer and he has helped me but it is time I helped myself.
Goals for this week
Be more in touch with my children's needs I will spend a measurable amount of quality time with each of my children.
Do my share of the housework and I will decide what is enough.
Not get drawn in to arguments practice empathy and validation
I am going to look for somewhere to volunteer and by the end of the week I will report back here and let you know what I have found.
Ghost
sandi2 thank you my W and I have been getting along very well over the past three days it seems that when we are out of the house things are so much better
We have pretty much spent three days in each other company along with our younger children and the atmosphere has been very pleasant. How do people realise when they are getting to the piecing stage and what does that normally look like ...I do not think I am there but when I have good days and I feel happy and content and we we are in each other's company and making each other laugh and smile we are acting very much like the mum and dad that we are with our children and to anyone looking in we would be almost the ideal family how do I keep this going .....I know by not talking about the past I am not opening old wounds so STFU but is that not just putting things into denial is this not just sweeping things under the carpet
I have been feeling really happy the last few days and I realise that living in the past and bringing up the past is not working to make anything any better between us.
So all through my marriage my W has never been the one to initiate things it has always been up to me to take the first step so how does reconnecting with ones partner normally happen ?
Is it over time attraction builds again ?
Is it one day boom things just happen ?
Is it one day I say to her I want to be closer to you ?
Do I one day just reach out and hold her or hug her or hold her hand and see what happens with her reaction ?
Do I one day say to her look we have been getting along well for the past three months can we start to try and rebuild things ?
Suppose we were out and some guy started showing her attention would I just let it happen stand back and say nothing or walk away or would I be in his face what do you think your doing mate she is with me,????
I really struggle to know sometimes what to do and how to move forward ...I don't believe that moving forward has to be moving out the family home. I want a different relationship with my W and I can see that what we had before was crap things would need to be very different but I am not sure how I go about letting her know that I realise what was not good and I want her to have as much input into rebuilding things but right now she does not want to rebuild things
So is what I am doing working ...yes and no ....she has not moved out we generally get along but it is not rebuilding attraction ....it might be rebuilding other feelings that in time will rebuild attraction.
I want her to initiate things but for this to happen I have to pull back and I feel pulling back will put distance between us.
I REALLY do feel that I am much more level headed and I actually feel a little more I I control and even tho this post has been a little about her I feel I am starting to grasp things.
This is the first morning in ages where I have woken and have not had fear or panic and I would see this as progress so thank you
Ghost
Ghost
Respond to this post and then read the next. Ok,so I see myself,thanking people,for,their help but then going and doing very little,to move forwards
I see myself starting to be positive and I want to do the right things but then I fall back in fear and end up circling around
Ghost,
Have you responded to the post above.^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
What is it you see when reading the two posts you made almost 2 weeks a part?
G, have you see an IC about your low self esteem?
Have you inquired from a professional about a depressive disorder?
Please share with me on this.
I really think some professional guidance is in order.
I did not see a reply from you on this question my friend?
I came to the realization that I have asked you this on several occasions, but never a reply.
May I ask you why?
Hi SH
So I am still stuck in this flipping FEAR word so I am stuck in my thoughts I guess the fear and the what if only I had done this or if only I had done that so living in the past nothing will ever change what I have done.
So how do I get over the regrets of the past .......I guess I have to accept my mistakes and allow myself to forgive myself.
Fear is not real it is a thought I have to get myself to the point where I am ok with whatever happens
My life is revolving around work and looking after my children and doing housework right now I am not interested in meet ups groups and going out with different people to make new friends .....yet this so probably the one thing I should be doing to take my mind off my
I have started watching other ted talks as well
One step at a time
Do you want the answers to these questions?
Do you want the treatment for this unhealthy mindset?
Your life revolving around those things is not living a full nor healthy life.
In church this week the lesson was about how by just not doing the "bad" things, does not mean that we are accomplishing any "good" things.
Positive actions towards accomplishing good things is needed. Simply sitting by, will almost assuredly lead us to the same places as simply doing bad things.
I am getting a D, because I sat back to often and it caught up with me.
Now, I can continue to sit and do nothing or I can learn from this and get up and get moving forward.
Think about that and all of the lessons and advice here and with DB.
Most of the LBS do not see that we were doing bad things, and that is why we are so shocked as the WAS.
But if we stop and look at it.
What good things were we neglecting?
Lets start with ourselves.
Then as we neglected ourselves, we began to neglect our spouse, children, etc.
Do you see how simply saying that you are focused on work, tending the children and house chores is simply the same things that got you into this position?
You are not changing, because you are doing more of the same.
Remember the insanity quote?
Growth and change does not come from remaining comfortable.
Growth and change does not come overnight.
sandi2 has said it many times.
Your W must respect you and be attracted to you for anything to change in the MR. The story you found in my thread that Vanilla posted.
Her heart is in that box still and you are not doing anything to convince her to pull it out.
You must understand and act on this my friend.
This is the Thor Hammer and it must sting, but you can do something about it.
Will you put forth the effort to do so it the only question you must ask and answer now.
"God changes caterpillars into butterflies, sand into pearls and coal into diamonds using time and pressure. He's working on you, too." -Rick WarrenPlease reply to my question about your seeking out professional assistance for your mindset.
Reply to this before reading the next post.
I have been to see my doctor but I do not want to start Anti depressants the Ic that I have been seeing has mainly talked about the marrage my low feelings are some times but normally not talked about
My doctor did not think I was depressed how would I know for sure she said to me would I like to go on some antidepressants and I said at the moment I don't feel like I need them she said you do not need to get the very bottom and sometimes it is better to take them I did not feel they would help I do not think they are going to make my situation any better I do not feel that I need to take drugs at this stage
I hope that answers your question
Thank you
Good evening G.
Hope all is well and that you are taking some time to ponder my feedback and reply to the third post of the trilogy.
I pray that you are having a peaceful day.
Give me a sign that you are well my friend.
Even if it is just a small one.
You are in my prayers.
I am ok thank you sorry I have not posted I have started now two long posts and both managed to delete before I was able to post them I will post tonight
Thank you for looking in
Ghost
Hi ok so I put together a lengthy reply and for one reason or another it did not save it so here goes again not sure if it will be the same but anyway ....
I have been watching the ted talk YouTube and they do make sence I just feel that it is going to be a very lengthy process for me to move in any direction I have been looking for ted talk that might inspire me
So I am stuck here because I am not willing to move on forwards and I am not sure what it is going to take for me to actually get off my ass and do something ... I realise I need to do something as right now nothing works a changing for the better and I have been feeling extreemly unhappy
My W is still full of resentiment and anger mainly towards me and her moods and how she snaps at everyone is starting to break me down today I actually started to feel dislike towards her and I had momentary feelings of I am actually done with this
I am a good man and my W has made me feel like [censored]
I love my children and I realise it has been a long time since I have been happy
I still want to stand for our marriage and I will become the best person that I can however it is starting to get to the point where I have to bite my lip as
I can see animosity building between the two of us sometimes
I will check back in again later
Thank you for sticking with me I will get through this one way or another
I have been feeling extremely unhappy
I realise I need to do something
I am not sure what it is going to take for me to do something
I am not willing to move on forwards
Cant you see that you are doing this to yourself?
You are camping in a tunnel with no cheese hoping it will show up.
Good evening G!
I am ok thank you sorry I have not posted I have started now two long posts and both managed to delete before I was able to post them I will post tonight
Thank you for looking in
Ghost
I am glad to hear you are doing okay.
Why not take some time and re write the long posts?
Repetition may be good for you now.
Ok,so I see myself,thanking people,for,their help but then going and doing very little,to move forwards
I see myself starting to be positive and I want to do the right things but then I fall back in fear and end up circling around
You have a point here.
You appreciate the advice, but no action follows.
Your words do come out a little positive, and then you do get stuck wallowing......
My point in asking you to review both posts, was that your first post made a commitment.......to yourself about yourself.
So I am really going to do my best to make this next thread all about me and what I can do to help me.
Your last post was all about your WAW and your obsessive desire to get something back as it relates to a MR.
Most of the posts in between are about your WAW and your focus on her.
Several posts started out about the work you wanted to do, but then it circled back to her and the sitch.
You appear to have taken one sip of the water, spit it out and are back to basically telling everyone that it is not the water you want, again.
Still thirsty aren't you?
Ghost, this ongoing behavior for 4 plus years is a big reason I continue to ask about your efforts to see an IC.
I have been to see my doctor but I do not want to start Anti depressants the Ic that I have been seeing has mainly talked about the marrage my low feelings are some times but normally not talked about
My doctor did not think I was depressed how would I know for sure she said to me would I like to go on some antidepressants and I said at the moment I don't feel like I need them she said you do not need to get the very bottom and sometimes it is better to take them I did not feel they would help I do not think they are going to make my situation any better I do not feel that I need to take drugs at this stage
I hope that answers your question
Thank you
Alright G,
It appears that you ask your doctor about it.
Typically as I learned a MD will use a series of questions as outlined in the medical world to help determine if AD's are needed. That is basically all they do.
MD's are not specialized normally to actually diagnose a depressive disorder and even when the patient answers the questions in a manner, all they do is prescribe meds.
IMHO, this is not really helpful and most of us would not prefer meds.
I was prescribed them, but I refused to take them until I met with an IC for over a month.
But my point is that I want to urge that you see an IC and maybe even an psychiatrist as they will work to assist you while diagnosing you.
Understand me, that the IC I encourage is not an MC, nor an IC that specializes in relationship situations.
Seek out an IC that can work with you on why you are paralyzed with fear, anxiety and low self esteem.
Would you agree these are huge challenges in your day to day life?
I would even challenge you to look at these and ask if they have been part of you for much longer than your MR sitch.
Best case, you do not have any issues that can not be overcome with some simple counseling. Maybe even some CBT will help without meds. Also, through this a sound diagnosis will help if meds were indeed needed.
But I say let a professional that specializes with this do the work and guide you.
Being frozen with the fear and inability to get up and do something to move forward does not appear to the many of us here as something of benefit nor even normal.
You have continued to display the exact behaviors that MWD talks about for the LBH that creates the WAW. The sad part, is you have continued to do so after the BD.
Why Ghost?
Why?
You in essence are self sabotaging yourself and your family being stuck in this place.
Is this by concours choice?
Or is it possible a professional could help you?
I want to tell you that I think it is deeper than you simply just choosing not to try.
Because choosing not to try is very selfish.
Only you know if this is true though.
If you really want what you have been saying that you want for the past year here in the forums, then I would expect that there would be some effort.
I have not seen another LBS, simply give no efforts. Even the ones that toss their hands in the air and give up on the MR, did so with effort.
My only thought, is you have a potential disorder that you need to seek assistance with. Meds are not the only answer.
Therapy and counseling sessions all can assist someone in your sitch.
I am not encouraging meds nor judging here. I know that mental disorders can be looked down on my some.
But I am a firm believer that it is no different than a physical disorder, and that is not something to look down on.
I only think it is time for you to turn over another stone, so you can find the help and strength needed.
Please, at least make the effort to really find out why you are so afraid of things that have not happened, and unable to commit to doing those things to help yourself and trying things that have been proven to help you and your family.
Please.
Please.
Ghost, what do you have to lose??
I really am praying for you with all my heart.
It is one of the saddest things that I have seen and I just don't think you should continue to sit there and try nothing.
Doing something and failing is better than standing there frozen in fear all of the time.
You deserve it, your children deserve it, your W deserves it.
Please Ghost, it is time to be ATPeace with yourself, but that will never happen if you don't make a serious and consistent move forward.
The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step. Lao TzuI am here to listen to you, pray for you guide you based on my experiences, but Ghost, I unfortuwynaly cannot do the needed work for you.
You must commit and stick to it.
It is the only way my friend.
It is the only way.
Can you advise Ghost how he can be referred to or find a qualified therapist? Not a marriage counselor. According to what Ghost reported, I think he approached his IC as though he was there for his M problems. Even when I pleaded with him to see a therapist about his racing, cycling & hoarding thoughts........it was unclear that anything other than the MR was discussed. I encouraged him to seek CBT, and the way his C responded was very strange.
Ghost, how many sessions of IC have you actually attended? When you left the board for awhile, you said you would go.......but, did you?
Hello my friend.
You have become silent?
What has your attention now?
Why are you avoiding the benefit that a good IC can provide for you?
Can we guide you in the manner for seeking one out that can help you take some action for yourself?
Ghost, you need to take an active role in progressing.
We can support you and be here, but you will need to put one foot in front of the other.
I pray for you my friend.
I know there is more to you that meets the eye here.
What will you do next?
Hi
So I want to answer some of the points above but am unsure where to begin so I will just dive in and try and cover all the things mentioned
I went to the doctor and he refer e me to CBT therapy when I was assessed for cut he told me that it is not what I need and that at this point it will not help me as I am fixated on trying to hang on to my marriage
I have had about 12 sessions of IC
Most of them have been me going round and round trying to find a way to win my W back and get her to change her mind and work on the relationship
My current IC has been very helpful and we often talk about many different things and I believe that I will be able to talk to her about my fears of being alone.
So to sound like a broken record I have only ever had the one partner so my fear of loosing her is real what if I could never meet another person again
I feel pretty low about my looks I am overweight and still struggle with this I would have thought if I ever needed the motivation to do something it would be this
I am scared that the longer I am doing this the more distant she is getting
I want to fix this I am a fixer in my job but I cannot fix this
I feel not talking about our problems with each other is not addressing them like pushing them under the counter yet when we have talked it gets us nowhere
So I know sandis rules do not believe what she is saying yet this is hard she has told me that she will not change her mind ...in my experience she has never changed her mind so....why would she now or in the future
Changing the subject I met with a new client yesterday female and we struck it off really well together I was able to breath and be free to be myself this meeting was not about dating or me trying to impress a female but I was able to build a connection....I was happy and she was laughing and smiling at my humor and I realised just how unhappy my W is right now. So I guess what I am trying to say is I have no problem talking to females and if they look deeper than my looks then I am a really nice guy who ...tbh is not ugly I have very low self-esteem
So why am I so afraid to take the first step ...fear of loosing what I still have which is very little.
W says she still loves me probably always will but she has so much resentment and bitterness and she wants to live apart from me she wants to be herself live her life without me she feels that while she lives in the same house she cannot be herself.
The only way forward is putting the house in the market and giving her what she wants.
I am seeing my IC on Friday and I will make this session about my fears of what has not happened,
How important are looks to a woman I do not know why I ask this I am not looking for another relationship
All my W wants is equality me doing my share with the kids and the house
I am so scared that the further apart we get the more likely she will find herself falling for someone else and I cannot stop this
At least I can write this this morning from a state of calm without crying
There is defiantly more to me than this
I am here
So what questions do I ask my IC on Friday I want this session to be about me rather than about the marriage
G,
Look at your issues with fear, and obsessive thoughts about W, your looks, your fear etc like a physical ailment.
I went to the doctor and he refer e me to CBT therapy when I was assessed for cut he told me that it is not what I need and that at this point it will not help me as I am fixated on trying to hang on to my marriage
If you go to one doctor and tell him you are having horrible stomach pains, or headaches or what have you.
He checks you out and says that he can not see anything and it is just gas.
What do you do?
What you do is you go get another opinion.
You know dang well it is not gas.
Just like now you know dang well what you need to do, but a four letter F word has you paralyzed.
And you know that it is False Evidence Appearing Real.
It is in your head because it is not real that which you say you are afraid of.
What you have been writing and obsessing here for over a year indicates you need some assistance.
You are fixated on trying to save your M.
But why?
Because of what appears to be some deep seeded issues with yourself.
maybe print some of the things you have written here over the past year and share it with the IC.
I will return tomorrow with some thoughts and guidance as it relates to finding an IC that can help you.
Meanwhile read what MWD says about seeking an MC, but adjust the suggestions for an IC.
Things like solution based and forward thinking.
You can't keep wallowing in the past.
Also you must be honest and dig deep with the IC.
They can't help it you don't put it all out on the table.
I got to hit the hay as work comes early for me tomorrow.
Hi
I feel that I am getting close to the end
I have tried to change become a better person I have tried to show my W how sorry I am for letting her down I have tried to keep a connection and it is not helping
My W and I are getting more and more distant or so it feels and this is heartbreaking
It hurts when I can see she reads my msg yet does not reply ( power and control ?)
I do not want for my family to breakup but I have no control of this outcome as she has already made this decision.
I am ready to do whatever needs to be done she wants seperate houses it feels time to give her what she wants
I am Struggling at the moment and I feel so alone
Ghost,
i wish I could be there for you at this time.
But please know it is not the end.
It is an opportunity for a new beginning.
You must take action on the things that you have learned and been advised on as it relates to everything in this community.
My prayers are with you my friend.
Please let me know what I can share for you that will help you take the necessary steps to build yourself up.
So why am I so afraid to take the first step ....
What is the first step, Ghost?
I am stuck here because I am not willing to move on forwards
What is your picture of moving forward?
From my observation, when some of us were strongly encouraging you to leave the house for a few days........you could not handle it. You started going through years of stuff you had collected, and you bogged down under the emotional stress. I think you took a break from the board b/c you could not deal with pressure from us. You saw the advice of "moving forward" meaning you had to separate from your family.......and
that is what you could not face.
When you write, you often state things that you
should do.........which is really repeating advice that you've received. Then you say you are stuck b/c you are not willing to move forward. If moving forward did not mean that you have to make a life apart from your family..........could you see a happier Ghost? Could you move forward if it meant you get to live with your W?
Your fear of being alone is something that goes deeper and further back than your MR. (You wanted suggestions for the IC sessions). Your entire identity seems tied to your M and family. You can't see the man you would be apart from the M, b/c that man has no identity. From past posts, you talk as if you had no identity before you met her. I believe finding the root of this fear and how to overcome it, will break this cycling for you.
I don't think you are going to be hit by some bolt of lightening that will make you get off your a$$ and do what you don't want to do. When we are inspired, it is easy to get through a day of reaching goals. What I have experienced, is when you are at a certain point of depression........the motivational shots just don't accomplish what your mind/spirit needs to force your body into action. ((Ghost)) you are depressed. I don't know your reasons for not wanting to take AD meds. I have had to take them. They are not a pep pill. They have never made me feel odd or whatever you may think they do. The meds help you feel more "normal" and gives you a sense of well being. If you tell the doctor about your over powering racing/cycling thought, I think they can prescribe the right AD to help. You do not have a sense of well being, and therapy alone, could take time to get better......IDK. I think therapy with medication could make such a difference in the state of mind you are currently experiencing. This is strictly my opinion. I am very concerned for you, and want you to feel better about yourself.
Btw, I understand your relationship with food, and how you turn to food for comfort. When you don't feel loved.......you turn to something to fill that void. Some people turn to alcohol.........some turn to other substitutes. Have you tried a diet program, where they have weekly meetings? Weight watchers was encouraging to me. Meeting together and boosting one another's morale, carries you through the week. You don't feel alone b/c everyone in the group is walking the same road. And Ghost, there is no judgement from anyone! I think that is the greatest feeling in the world, to know you can walk into that circle and be accepted the way you are. Anyway, it's just a suggestion to find a diet program that has a weekly group support.
I do not know what you can share
Last night I could not sleep so today I am going to be shattered
Why does everything feel so awkward
Things were never like this before now I feel the only way forward is to move out and be apart from my wife yet this is the last thing I want to happen but I can see no other options
So option I move to my mums
Option we put the house on the market
And then move to separate houses and she will almost certainly meet someone else as might i and if we don't then life will forever be different with only me having my daughter without my W and she will have her on her own
I do not want someone else bringing up our youngest daughter why did she not work on this at the start I do not see how after this length of time apart How anyone can get back together yet people do get back together after being apart for longer than I have been apart from my W.
I will work on my weight
I will give my W more space to live the life that she wants to live
I will be the best dad possible
I need to accept that my W may choose to meet other guys and that this is a choice
I want to show my W a new ghost and I will do this
So do you think I should say to my W would she like me to move to my mums to give each other space or should I just say this is what I am going to do and action it ....is this some thing we should talk about first ?
I am scared that seeing less of me she will get further from me and separation will take place
Back to the ted talks my goal is to loose weight a noticeable amount and be the man that she first fell in love with. I still want to show her how valuable she is to me and our children and that making this choice does not have to happen
Thank you my friends
I think a weight loss program may be extremely good for me I think meting weekly will be a great incentive to work hard to loose the weight
Less interaction with the W will also be a good thing for me mentally and perhaps she may be drawn cloe to me who knows .
I believe I could easily fall into love again is this codependent rather than love and perhaps this is what happened with my W when we met years ago and We got together were we really in love....and what is love ....who knows 27 years together is a long time to have got it wrong
Sandi you said could I move forward if it meant that I was able to live With my wife I am not sure I understand this I see moving forward as being apart from her
Thank you sandi
The fear of being alone is paralyzingly the progress in your growth, self-esteem, GAL, and basically everything else. DB members talked to you about fear for months........and you broke down even more. IMHO, you need to stop worrying about leaving your home and living alone. Okay? As long as there are no physical altercations......just relax and stay in your house, and stop fretting over your W. Alright? We have to find a solution that is going to help you get emotionally stronger and happier.
For you, going forward does not equal leaving. Will you stop connecting your thoughts to believe going forward means leaving your home and living by yourself?
Will you continue IC sessions to discuss your racing and cycling thoughts, fears, etc.? Will you not go to IC to win back your W. but to be a happier man?
I don't know what SH wants to do with you, but he is trying to help you out of this emotional pit. He is extending his hand......but you have to grab ahold and start climbing out of the pit. Put forth the effort to work with him and study the material he gives you. Will you do it, Ghost?
I was thinking of you on my drive home today Ghost. What I would like to say is that I feel change (in you) offers the best hope of possible reconciliation. I say this on the basis that if all stays the same with you (ie: you are afraid to change) why would your W want to return? The demise of the M was linked to how you both were.
When I say change in you I don't mean sell up, date, separate. I mean internal change and that means accepting things are as they are just now with your W and looking inward. Looking at your fear, racing thoughts, self esteem, eating patterns - coming to face with yourself and changing what you would like to change. But also accepting that you - like any of us are perfectly unique and imperfect.
Please try to put the marital issues to one side for now - in a little box on the shelf if needs be. If you can arrange to see an IC and focus purely on you (not on your hopes for the M) that would be best I think.
x
From what your W says, it seems as if your chance of reconciliation will be linked to living separately.
You are saying it might make you guys drift farther apart. yet it seems as if she is saying IF there is a chance, it's only if you live apart for a while.
The longer you try to cling, the more resentment that will build. And you say she says she loves you, but has lots of resentment.
So, do we cause more resentment, or do we move forward (like sotto said, forward moving does not mean dating) and build a life for ourselves giving a chance for your wife to get rid of some of that resentment and you can lose your fear of being alone and become your own man that is not attached to someone elses identity?
Ghost.
I don't want to say that I am throwing my hands up and quitting here, but this entire page of posts just looks like all the other pages in your threads for the past year.
You are asking the same questions.
Folks are giving you the same advice.
You are responding with the same.....
I do not know what you can share
Last night I could not sleep so today I am going to be shattered
Why does everything feel so awkward
Things were never like this before now I feel the only way forward is to move out and be apart from my wife yet this is the last thing I want to happen but I can see no other options
So option I move to my mums
Option we put the house on the market
And then move to separate houses and she will almost certainly meet someone else as might i and if we don't then life will forever be different with only me having my daughter without my W and she will have her on her own
I do not want someone else bringing up our youngest daughter why did she not work on this at the start I do not see how after this length of time apart How anyone can get back together yet people do get back together after being apart for longer than I have been apart from my W.
I will work on my weight
I will give my W more space to live the life that she wants to live
I will be the best dad possible
I need to accept that my W may choose to meet other guys and that this is a choice
I want to show my W a new ghost and I will do this
So do you think I should say to my W would she like me to move to my mums to give each other space or should I just say this is what I am going to do and action it ....is this some thing we should talk about first ?
I am scared that seeing less of me she will get further from me and separation will take place
Back to the ted talks my goal is to loose weight a noticeable amount and be the man that she first fell in love with. I still want to show her how valuable she is to me and our children and that making this choice does not have to happen
Thank you my friends
Deja Vu my friend.
How many more times will this be stated and no actions taken?
Dude, the water is right in front of you!!!!
Stick your face in and drink before you die of thirst my friend.
I don't know what SH wants to do with you, but he is trying to help you out of this emotional pit. He is extending his hand......but you have to grab ahold and start climbing out of the pit. Put forth the effort to work with him and study the material he gives you. Will you do it, Ghost?
This comes to mind.
“A strong man cannot help a weaker unless the weaker is willing to be helped, and even then the weak man must become strong of himself; he must, by his own efforts, develop the strength which he admires in another. None but himself can alter his condition.” -James Allen
Hi
I feel that I am getting close to the end
I have tried to change become a better person I have tried to show my W how sorry I am for letting her down I have tried to keep a connection and it is not helping
My W and I are getting more and more distant or so it feels and this is heartbreaking
It hurts when I can see she reads my msg yet does not reply ( power and control ?)
I do not want for my family to breakup but I have no control of this outcome as she has already made this decision.
I am ready to do whatever needs to be done she wants seperate houses it feels time to give her what she wants
I am Struggling at the moment and I feel so alone
This comes to mind.
“A man only begins to be a man when he ceases to whine and revile, and commences to search for the hidden justice which regulates his life. And he adapts his mind to that regulating factor, he ceases to accuse others as the cause of his condition, and builds himself up in strong and noble thoughts; ceases to kick against circumstances, but begins to use them as aids to his more rapid progress, and as a means of the hidden powers and possibilities within himself.” James Allen
I think a weight loss program may be extremely good for me I think meting weekly will be a great incentive to work hard to loose the weight
Less interaction with the W will also be a good thing for me mentally and perhaps she may be drawn cloe to me who knows .
I believe I could easily fall into love again is this codependent rather than love and perhaps this is what happened with my W when we met years ago and We got together were we really in love....and what is love ....who knows 27 years together is a long time to have got it wrong
Sandi you said could I move forward if it meant that I was able to live With my wife I am not sure I understand this I see moving forward as being apart from her
This comes to mind
“Men are anxious to improve their circumstances, but are unwilling to improve themselves.” James Allen
Will you continue IC sessions to discuss your racing and cycling thoughts, fears, etc.? Will you not go to IC to win back your W. but to be a happier man?
This comes to mind
“Suffering is always the effect of wrong thought in some direction. It is an indication that the individual is out of harmony with himself, with the Law of his being.” James Allen
Ghost my friend. My dear sad and desperate friend.
You need to get an appointment with an IC or psychiatrist and be honest with them and dig deep and express the help that you continue to ask for here.
Please....do this....desperate measures for a desperate time.
You need some hands on assistance and guidance. You are not getting the information that is being given here because of the things I have put in this post to you.
Will you take this one step.
Focus only on doing this.
Can you do this?
Will you do this?
No more trying to go at this alone.
You hands on assistance my dear friend.
This is the Hammer of Thor coming down right now...........
Understand this is from the bottom of my heart.
I do not want to see another week, month or year of you spinning in circles.
There is no value or benefit for you, your family and your future in doing nothing.
I ask again,
Will you take this one step.
Focus only on doing this.
Can you do this?
Will you do this?
“Act is the blossom of thought; and joy and suffering are its fruits; thus does a man garner in the sweet and biter fruitage of his own husbandry” James Allen
Ok Sandi, Sotto Ginger and SH
I can see you have my back and you know what I feel stronger
Last night had Chinese with my three elder children and my daughters boyfriend and it was really nice. Earlier that night I had helped my daughter polish her car she has only just passed her test so it is her pride and joy...I believe things are so much better between my daughter and myself from a year ago when she could hardly talk to me or be nice to me so if things can change then things can change
Today I have my IC session and I plan to make this about me and my spireliing thoughts and how I can deal with my fears
It meanrs a lot to me to have you as my support and today I fill that glass
Guys I do need to change I have a lot of changes that I need to make to heels ....for myself
I am a good man and I have beeten myself up for way too long I have so many things to be happy for
I have my children ju
I have my health
I have my Porsche.....I know .......it just a car ....but it's Mine !!!! I love her shape I love her looks
I live in a lovely part of town
I am me
I will let you know how I get on today at ICh
Good luck with your appointment and let us know how things go my friend.
Yes my friend let us know.
You are in my prayers today.
Today is the perfect day to take the ever important first step towards healing so you can become the man you are meant to be.
Hi
So I went to my IC session today and we talked a bit about parenting older children and how important it is to get a set of house rules this stone area that W and I have been having some pretty big issues and this has been leaving a lot of resentment in the house.
Then I told her that I keep spireling and I was worried about the future and that my life revolved ashe suggested that it is the Unknown the uncertainty having been with wife since leaving h school she said so much of my focus has been on the marriage and she too said i need ro help myself focus more on me.mso nothing that I have heard many many times
I am exhausted not sleeping well so for now I need to sleep
Will catch up tomorrow
Sounds like a useful first session with your IC. When is your next one planned for? It's good that you talked about You and also about you as a parent - ie: little about your W.
So then, she like so many others is encouraging you to focus more on you. Can you identify three key things about yourself that you would like to work on?
Maybe if you can list them here, it is is going to help you focus and move forwards?
Hope you have a nice weekend my friend :-)
Maybe you could suggest to the counselor that you know what you need to, but you need the mechanics of how to do it.
So next session is booked in for a couple of weeks time I did ask if I could see her weekly but she said bi weekly gives me time to work in the things we work on
The things that I would like to work in and see change would be
I) my weight I need to get this I really do even tho it was never an issue during our marriage I would feel so much better if I lost weight I should do this for my health the ways I plan to tackle this is join a slimming club and keep working out at the gym and with my personal trainer
2) to try and stop over thinking things
3) to start playing tennis again and make new friends
Thank you my friends and yes sandi I will suggest this to the counciler for next time
I am feeling better happier I will become the change
Ghost
So things have been surprisingly good at home W and I are getting along very well not having relationship conversations is defiantly the way to go forward yes there will be a time when this happens but not now
So a question,does anone know how much outside influence has in a partners decision to remai separated
I feel that my W would not come back to the relationship because her friends who know may think she is weak
I think that our eldest daughter has in the past seen how unhappy my wife was and she may want us to remain separated so would my W think that this is another factor in remaining on,the path to separation
What makes someone reinvest into something that has left them feeling hurt and resentful for years
Probably overthinking again just when things are going better I just want to push the process
I on the other hand have been feeling much more emotionally stable and I realise there is much work to be done
W and I did have a chat because things have been hard at home the children have been pushing boundaries and we spoke about this we have to set up some house rules and my W shared with me that one of the things that she sees has not changed is me not thinking for myself and taking the initiative she feels everything is left for her to do so I believe that it is important for me to address this as she has made this very clear to me
Thank you guys
Hi
So I went to my IC session today and we talked a bit about parenting older children and how important it is to get a set of house rules this stone area that W and I have been having some pretty big issues and this has been leaving a lot of resentment in the house.
Then I told her that I keep spireling and I was worried about the future and that my life revolved ashe suggested that it is the Unknown the uncertainty having been with wife since leaving h school she said so much of my focus has been on the marriage and she too said i need ro help myself focus more on me.mso nothing that I have heard many many times
I am exhausted not sleeping well so for now I need to sleep
Will catch up tomorrow
Hi Ghost,
What kind of IC are you seeing?
I ask as I perceive your IC is a marriage/relationship therapist.
I was seeing the same, until it came up, that if I needed assistance for things outside of that, that I would need to seek an IC with expertise in the needed area.
Your session sounds to have been focused on relationship aspect still.
That may not benefit with your spiraling and other person issues.
I encourage that you speak with your MD and ask for a reference.
Please google Guide to Psychiatry and Counseling and check the webMD info among other bits of info.
I still read your last posts as just a repeat of your over 1 years worth of posts.
I don't want to sound doom and gloom, but your 2 posts after your session are just a lot of the same.
First one you are down as the IC session was under whelming for you and then your next post was upbeat because your W and you seem to be getting along yesterday.
And then you list the same goals you have listed for the past year and you ask "silly" questions about how someone may reinvest after years of resentment.
I say this is silly as the answers we can give you are the same as you have received for over a year and read in DB.
So things have been surprisingly good at home W and I are getting along very well not having relationship conversations is defiantly the way to go forward yes there will be a time when this happens but not now
So a question,does anone know how much outside influence has in a partners decision to remai separated
I feel that my W would not come back to the relationship because her friends who know may think she is weak
I think that our eldest daughter has in the past seen how unhappy my wife was and she may want us to remain separated so would my W think that this is another factor in remaining on,the path to separation
What makes someone reinvest into something that has left them feeling hurt and resentful for years
Probably overthinking again just when things are going better I just want to push the process
I on the other hand have been feeling much more emotionally stable and I realise there is much work to be done
W and I did have a chat because things have been hard at home the children have been pushing boundaries and we spoke about this we have to set up some house rules and my W shared with me that one of the things that she sees has not changed is me not thinking for myself and taking the initiative she feels everything is left for her to do so I believe that it is important for me to address this as she has made this very clear to me
Thank you guys
G, c'mon now. Things are not surprisingly good all of a sudden and you know this. Just 4 days ago you write how it is all over and the only way out is to move.
I am not trying to be harsh, but you need to see the harsh reality of things if you are ever going to get moving forward.
You know the rule that is shared here for all the LBS about believing nothing that the WAS/WS says and only half of what they do?
Do you know that the same rule applies for the WAW/WW as it relates to what the LBS says and does?
They do not believe anything you say and only half of what you do.
Ghost, you are not doing anything to change, and all of your talking is simply that. It is just empty talk.
I will work on my weight
I will give my W more space to live the life that she wants to live
I will be the best dad possible
I need to accept that my W may choose to meet other guys and that this is a choice
I want to show my W a new ghost and I will do this
Do you know how many times you have posted this in the past year?
What have you actually done to follow through on any of these commitments and actually show your W that you will change.
My friend, I don't want to become a WAF someday for you(Walk away friend), but I can honestly see what the challenge and stress is for your W.
I am guessing that she has tried to express this to you in a number of ways, but you are not understanding what you need to do.
Desperate measure for desperate times.
She is still living with you.
Go do something to help your cause and do it now.
Go see a professional that can help you with your circling thoughts. your inability to commit and any other mental and emotional challenges that you require professional help for.
Ghost.
I fear time is running short for you as you have had years of knowing that things were going down the wrong road.
You need guidance and you need to understand all that is DB and DR, but you must change first.
MWD speaks to to WAW and tells them to give the LBH a chance once they have that come to Jesus moment at the BD.
She says this because she says that people can change and in her experience she has seen some wonderful changes......
Are you going to put in what it takes to change my dear friend?
I am sorry if this stings, but I desperately want to see you succeed.
You know.
Horse
Water
Drink?
Do what you must do......
Hi SH
So I just want to be clear and get some clarity
Ok so the harsh reality is she has made the decision to leave our marriage and she told me at the beginning that she would not change her mind
One year has passed and she is still living in the house and has made no efforts to move out or sell the house
I have had numerous conversations in the past and every time it leaves her feeling upset
You say you fear time is running out for me and this is what I need to understand are you saying that I need to be the one to say to her we need to sell the house and I need to move on rather than it comming from her or is it I just need too do more and change myself more and,not push for separate houses
Horse water drink ....do what must be done.
I am feeling what you are saying is let go of the marriage and do things for myself change myself find someone else if that is,what I want to happen save myself stop working on saving or trying to rebuild ...would I be correct and yes you can hit me with a 2x4
Thank you
I am feeling what you are saying is let go of the marriage and do things for myself change myself find someone else if that is,what I want to happen save myself stop working on saving or trying to rebuild ...would I be correct and yes you can hit me with a 2x4
That's the message you got from reading SH's post?
Hey AP,
You are too focused on what your W is doing or not doing still.
If she wants the house to sell it can only happen if you agree also. You have more control of this sitch then you think. Just enjoy your time in house and work on you. Do stuff for you and your kids. All decisions are based on what you want/need to be the guy that a fool would leave. Do stuff that allows you to be the best Dad ever. You have stuck it out for a while now, over a year, no one would think less of you if you gave what W is asking if that is what you want to do.
Also can you try to answer your own questions in your posts, then we can give our input. I think you will find that doing that will give you some confidence in your decision making.
I am feeling what you are saying is let go of the marriage and do things for myself change myself find someone else if that is,what I want to happen save myself stop working on saving or trying to rebuild ...would I be correct and yes you can hit me with a 2x4
That's the message you got from reading SH's post?
Sandi. I am just trying to understand what he means when he says time may be running out
I do not want to stop working in things working on me bettering myself working to be a better person I just feel that after one year I am not sure if any progress has been made with me or how things are
Am I really so blind that I am missing what is being said to me
Ok I want to stop and ponder in SH post for a while
Ok SH you have nailed many things on the head when you say I will bold what stands out to me from your post
G, c'mon now. Things are not surprisingly good all of a sudden and you know this. Just 4 days ago you write how it is all over and the only way out is to move.
I am not trying to be harsh, but you need to see the harsh reality of things if you are ever going to get moving forward.
You know the rule that is shared here for all the LBS about believing nothing that the WAS/WS says and only half of what they do?
Do you know that the same rule applies for the WAW/WW as it relates to what the LBS says and does?
They do not believe anything you say and only half of what you do.
Ghost, you are not doing anything to change, and all of your talking is simply that. It is just empty talk.
I will work on my weight
I will give my W more space to live the life that she wants to live
I will be the best dad possible
I need to accept that my W may choose to meet other guys and that this is a choice
I want to show my W a new ghost and I will do this
Do you know how many times you have posted this in the past year?
What have you actually done to follow through on any of these commitments and actually show your W that you will change.
My friend, I don't want to become a WAF someday for you(Walk away friend), but I can honestly see what the challenge and stress is for your W.
I am guessing that she has tried to express this to you in a number of ways, but you are not understanding what you need to do.
Desperate measure for desperate times.
She is still living with you.
Go do something to help your cause and do it now.
Go see a professional that can help you with your circling thoughts. your inability to commit and any other mental and emotional challenges that you require professional help for.
Ghost.
I fear time is running short for you as you have had years of knowing that things were going down the wrong road.
You need guidance and you need to understand all that is DB and DR, but you must change first.
MWD speaks to to WAW and tells them to give the LBH a chance once they have that come to Jesus moment at the BD.
She says this because she says that people can change and in her experience she has seen some wonderful changes......
Are you going to put in what it takes to change my dear friend?
I am sorry if this stings, but I desperately want to see you succeed.
You know.
Horse
Water
Drink?
Do what you must do......
Ok so I have read SH post quite a few times and the nail has been hit a few times I know from previous conversations with my W that
1) she felt taken for granted
2) she felt a huge lack of equality I did not do my share with the kids and arround the house
3) she felt that I did not and I do not think enough for myself
A good example is making meals she has told me that I do not do my share of cooking and even when I do I often ask her to decide what we have she feels that she has to make all the decisions
I talk a lot about how I can change and how I want to to change yet I am still not doing enough with my weight
So SH you make some very accurate statements and I still am missing what I should be doing
So she wants to be in separate houses ...believing nothing of what she says ....then this is not really true she wants me to pull my finger out and be the man she first fell in love with do my share and step up. Should I start with this ? Should I treat her like my W still ? Or do I re read sandies rules and start again at the beginning
Thank you
Ghost
Ghost, out of all SH said, you zoomed in on one sentence and missed the over-all message in his post. I don't mean to be answering for SH, just myself and the message I saw in his post.
I have not seen SH tell you to leave your family and home. I don't think I have seen him tell you to leave your M/W. Are we in agreement with this?
Like so many of us, SH is telling you to move "forward". You told us you did not know what it would take to make you move your a$$. SH is trying to tell you how to get moving (not leaving) yourself to a healthier state of mind. You have to save Ghost before you can focus on saving your MR. Are we still in agreement?
I strongly agree with SH about you getting the correct type of therapy, that is not a relationship counselor. I still believe you talk about your MR in the sessions and the focus is your W, instead of Ghost's problems with cycling thoughts, the cause of his fear, etc. If you tell your doctor you need to talk to an IC b/c you are having M problems, then they will refer you to someone who is not qualified to help YOU pyschologically. I think that is why you are not getting the right type of therapy for your emotional issues.
We are trying to help you get into action for Ghost. For now, don't make goals about your W. Except for your weight and being a good dad, you are setting goals about accommodating her.
When we reach a goal, then we just maintain, but we don't have to continue making it a "goal". For example, you have talked as if you are a good father and the relationship with your kids is healthy. Okay, so you just maintain having a great relationship with them. Instead of adding "being a good dad" on the list of goals, how about a new goal? Accomplishing one goal, does not mean we let it go. In order to grow in our life, we reach for new goals. See what I mean?
You have a plan to work on your weight loss by exercising. Do you have a diet program? Do you have a plan to help you on a daily bases to keep you on task? You need to find a source of daily motivation. The hard part is actually doing what you've written down.
Tennis is great! Do you have a partner, in a club, or something? Have you penciled in on your calendar the times you will play?
Meeting new friends. Where will you go to meet the type of people you want for friends? Do not go to a bar and experience something similar to last time. Go somewhere you will be with other males........and where drunk women aren't trying to seduce you.
I am saying that you have to put legs on your goals. Otherwise, your goals are nothing but a list on a piece of paper.
In addition to everything Sandi recommends, have you considered working on your inability to make decisions? That seems huge, and you've already mentioned a great place to develop this skill.
Why not commit to cooking 3 meals a week without asking your wife for help? Menu planning, shopping, cooking --all you.
The believe nothing is not so black and white. But basically even if WASbelieves/thinks a certain thing NOW, that does not make it true forever. You have to respect that is how she feels now. So NO No No you don't treat her like your W. You treat her with respect and even love but not as a H.
She is not playing a game for you to become who she wants you to be. She does not want you NOW. But improve yourself and maybe just maybe she will become attracted to the improved you. But those changes have to be true and to do that they need to be for YOU.
I understand how lost you feel, how unsure you are about your way forward. I have felt this way. But knowing it is NEVER going to be attractive to W and NEVER going to help you, your only choice is to make baby steps towards changing this.
Best wishes
Thank you this is actually making more sence
I cannot post now have to clean a car but I will post a little later
Thank you all
Ghost
I apologize for my delay in getting back to you.
Got a rough head cold going on and the cold meds are gumming up the works in the thought processes.....
So....where to begin.....
I take accountability for being so wordy with my thoughts.
It can make a challenge for getting my point......
That being said, my dear friend Ghost.
Sandi2 got it.
vise got it
Rose got it
roist got it.
So please pay attention to their thoughts as well.
I find it interesting that when you shared what you pondered my friend,
you skipped the entire first part of my thoughts....
Hi Ghost,
What kind of IC are you seeing?
I ask as I perceive your IC is a marriage/relationship therapist.
I was seeing the same, until it came up, that if I needed assistance for things outside of that, that I would need to seek an IC with expertise in the needed area.
Your session sounds to have been focused on relationship aspect still.
That may not benefit with your spiraling and other person issues.
I encourage that you speak with your MD and ask for a reference.
Please google Guide to Psychiatry and Counseling and check the webMD info among other bits of info.
I still read your last posts as just a repeat of your over 1 years worth of posts.
I don't want to sound doom and gloom, but your 2 posts after your session are just a lot of the same.
First one you are down as the IC session was under whelming for you and then your next post was upbeat because your W and you seem to be getting along yesterday.
And then you list the same goals you have listed for the past year and you ask "silly" questions about how someone may reinvest after years of resentment.
I say this is silly as the answers we can give you are the same as you have received for over a year and read in DB.
This is your trend for as far back as I can remember in your story anytime someone brings up the suggestion that you seek professional assistance from a trained, professional psychiatrist or therapist.
I ask as I have asked your previously.
Why do you disregard this?
Ghost....ATPeace my dear friend. You need to work on you. Your MR will not have much chance if you do not do this.
Let me preface what I am about to point out with I am not a licensed professional, nor can I diagnose emotional or mental challenges.
That being said, I see that many here have tried gently to steer you in a direction to get confirmation or assistance in the case that you need more for your emotional and mental well being than an online forum or some books about what you need to do in your sitch.
So here is what I see when I read your story and have been conversing with you.
Signs of,
Codependent behaviors
Low self esteem
Obsessive thoughts about your W and MR
Inability to make and commit to decisions that would benefit you.
Unhealthy behaviors in relationships.
Social anxiety behaviors.
Possible bipolar tendencies (things are great...things are not great...)
Mr. Nice Guy traits
Anxiety
mood swings
Possible eating issues
G, these are things that you have shared in your story for over a year, and today, you are not sounding to have moved at all on any of the things you share with us and seek advice.
Now tell us what you would have to lose by seeing someone and talking about all of your struggles without mentioning your W.
Print your story from here if you need to have someone read it and ensure you are open and honest when you speak with them.
There is no shame in seeking assistance for yourself. I know that it can be a bit taboo to seek assistance, heck my WAW's family frowns on this and I am afraid my WAW needs some assistance..but that is a story for another time.
This thread is supposed to be about you as you stated in the beginning.
Lets do what you need to be the man that any woman would be attracted to.
Brace for this 2X4.....
Your wife is not attracted to you right now.
Many of the women in this community would say the same I am sure....
I am not attracted to your thoughts and behaviors as I read your story...
You are not an attractive man in your behaviors and actions.
If you could step back you will know this is truth.
I have had to face the same truth.....it stings....its tough to accept.....but only through acknowledging this and then doing something about it can you save you........and then......only then will you have any chance at saving your MR.
I pray with all my heart that this gets through to you this night.
You can do this.
You must do this.
What say you, my friend.........?
We have lead the horse to the water.............
Will he dip his head in humility and drink.......
So that he can be refreshed from the weary days of despair.....
Recover from the long emotional road travelled.....
Heal from the self inflicted mental and physical wounds....
Become the strong minded, physically strapping, sleek confident Stallion....
that any good person would find attractive??????
I apologize for my delay in getting back to you.
Got a rough head cold going on and the cold meds are gumming up the works in the thought processes.....
So....where to begin.....
I take accountability for being so wordy with my thoughts.
It can make a challenge for getting my point......
That being said, my dear friend Ghost.
Sandi2 got it.
vise got it
Rose got it
roist got it.
So please pay attention to their thoughts as well.
I find it interesting that when you shared what you pondered my friend,
you skipped the entire first part of my thoughts....
Hi Ghost,
What kind of IC are you seeing?
I ask as I perceive your IC is a marriage/relationship therapist.
I was seeing the same, until it came up, that if I needed assistance for things outside of that, that I would need to seek an IC with expertise in the needed area.
Your session sounds to have been focused on relationship aspect still.
That may not benefit with your spiraling and other person issues.
I encourage that you speak with your MD and ask for a reference.i will do this I will hook an appointment monday or Tuesday
Please google Guide to Psychiatry and Counseling and check the webMD info among other bits of info.
I still read your last posts as just a repeat of your over 1 years worth of posts.
I don't want to sound doom and gloom, but your 2 posts after your session are just a lot of the same.
First one you are down as the IC session was under whelming for you and then your next post was upbeat because your W and you seem to be getting along yesterday.
And then you list the same goals you have listed for the past year and you ask "silly" questions about how someone may reinvest after years of resentment.
I say this is silly as the answers we can give you are the same as you have received for over a year and read in DB.
This is your trend for as far back as I can remember in your story anytime someone brings up the suggestion that you seek professional assistance from a trained, professional psychiatrist or therapist.
I ask as I have asked your previously.
Why do you disregard this?
I do not disregard this I guess I thought that the Councillor that I was seeing was enough but I can see I need further help Ghost....ATPeace my dear friend. You need to work on you. Your MR will not have much chance if you do not do this.
Let me preface what I am about to point out with I am not a licensed professional, nor can I diagnose emotional or mental challenges.
That being said, I see that many here have tried gently to steer you in a direction to get confirmation or assistance in the case that you need more for your emotional and mental well being than an online forum or some books about what you need to do in your sitch.
So here is what I see when I read your story and have been conversing with you.
Signs of,
Codependent behaviors
Low self esteem
Obsessive thoughts about your W and MR
Inability to make and commit to decisions that would benefit you.
Unhealthy behaviors in relationships.
Social anxiety behaviors.
Possible bipolar tendencies (things are great...things are not great...)
Mr. Nice Guy traits
Anxiety
mood swings
Possible eating issues
G, these are things that you have shared in your story for over a year, and today, you are not sounding to have moved at all on any of the things you share with us and seek advice.
I think you have to the above spot on Now tell us what you would have to lose by seeing someone and talking about all of your struggles without mentioning your W.
Print your story from here if you need to have someone read it and ensure you are open and honest when you speak with them.
There is no shame in seeking assistance for yourself. I know that it can be a bit taboo to seek assistance, heck my WAW's family frowns on this and I am afraid my WAW needs some assistance..but that is a story for another time.
This thread is supposed to be about you as you stated in the beginning.
Lets do what you need to be the man that any woman would be attracted to.
Brace for this 2X4.....
Your wife is not attracted to you right now.
Many of the women in this community would say the same I am sure....
I am not attracted to your thoughts and behaviors as I read your story...
You are not an attractive man in your behaviors and actions.
If you could step back you will know this is truth.
I have had to face the same truth.....it stings....its tough to accept.....but only through acknowledging this and then doing something about it can you save you........and then......only then will you have any chance at saving your MR.
I pray with all my heart that this gets through to you this night.
You can do this.
You must do this.
What say you, my friend.........?
You have got through to me I understand I get it
You have got through to me I understand I get it
I am smiling as I read this Ghost.
Smiling, because I sense that you are close to being able to break through with the right help.
I know that you can get through this.
You will benefit from the right source.
Lots of work ahead, but you can do this.
I will check in to follow and support you.
You are in my prayers my friend.
You and your family.
Ok so I have a question ....anyone play pool ?
Don't you find it frustrating when you miss the pocket by 1 mm and then leave the ball over the pocket ready for your opponent to hit an easy shot
Ok so I have a question ....anyone play pool ?
Don't you find it frustrating when you miss the pocket by 1 mm and then leave the ball over the pocket ready for your opponent to hit an easy shot
Okay G.
I'll bite.
I have played pool.
I do find that frustrating....
To be honest, though I find the whole dam game frustrating.
I was not very good at geometry.
I sense a punch line coming on perhaps....
I do believe Zeus is our resident DB pool player....high level competitive if I follow his story correctly.
Hope you are doing well my friend.
No punch line I was playing and I have not played in a long time it is just frustrating when it is so close yet so far
I have been good I am spending the weekend away from home with my three youngest children
Have a good weekend
Ghost
Ahh...I was really hoping for a punch line G!
I hope you enjoy the time with the kiddos.
Maybe Zeus can drop by and share some pointer for you about those close shots.
I look forward to some uplifting updates about you and how you are doing my friend.
Hi so had a great weekend away with my mum and my sister everyone happy had a good time lots of fun went bowling things were good
Back home things are good between W and I pleasant exchanges no expectation no relationship talks then I see that next week she has booked a night out and I feel so at a club why do I feel scared parranoid that she will do something my fears my insecurity going to speak to someone about this need to get this sorted this would be a massive 180
Great job GAL, Ghost! If you can detach your feelings of paranoia from your W's GAL, you will make some progress.
She has gone out before, and as far as you know.....nothing significant happened. So try to relax and not think about all the "what ifs". Try to keep busy during the time she's out.
Just to build on what Sandi posted. I read or heard something recently about events, the meaning we give to them and the pain we cause ourselves.
So, the basic event is - your W is going out. That's all it is - she will go out for an evening presumably with friends.
The meaning you give to it matters. If the meaning you ascribe is - she must be going out to meet a guy - oh she looks dressed up - that must be it. She could meet someone and kiss them tonight...maybe more....
You see how the meaning you layer upon the event starts to cause you pain? In your mind, you start to feel these things have actually happened almost.
So, recognise what the event is and also watch out for the meaning you start to give it. Because the event happened...ie: she went out. But your meaning didn't - that's just your mind working overtime due to fear, insecurity and so on.
Thinking like this can help the mind when it starts to go in unhelpful directions and rings a dose of reason and reality back into the mix.
Something to practice with those runaway thoughts going forwards perhaps? Good job with the GAL by the way xx
Ghost my friend.
How goes it?
Sandi and Soto are right....
But you already know this, don't you.......
What is your update on the initiation of your seeking out assistance today?
Focus on the good memories of the weekend.
This will calm the mind.
Swing over to BluWaves thread and read the conversation that is going on as it relates to emotions, feelings and understanding them so one may take control of themselves.
Hope all is well.
You are in my prayers.
Hi and thank you for posting I will head over and look at bluwaves thread
Woke up this morning and feel acceptance is starting to hit it has been ov a year now and I know it is not a sprint but I just feel I want to feel loved again and I want to show my love
Loveless.....is one thing I am struggling with ....sexless ok not great but not bothering me
Is It is wrong for me to show loving actions to my W do loving things how will this make me detach
I am feeling fairly level emotionally
Will post later again and I will read the suggested thread
Thanks speak soon
How have your interactions been?
Ghost my friend.
What is your update on the initiation of your seeking out assistance today?
I can't help but notice you avoided this question for you my friend.
Have you obtained the appointment?
Interactions between my W and I ? They are good she has basically best friended me I just want to be more than just her friend I know if I push for anything I will get rejected
I have been feeling better in myself emotionally I have not yet booked an appointment with the doctor I have been so busy with work I do realise this is something that will benifit me and I will get onto this I guess it is at times when I feel good I debate if I need to see additional councilers I know this is a must for me
I need to work more on me I have always pur myself at th bottom of the pack
Ghost my friend.
What is your update on the initiation of your seeking out assistance today?
I can't help but notice you avoided this question for you my friend.
Have you obtained the appointment?
I will try and do this today or Tomorrow
Ghost my friend.
What is your update on the initiation of your seeking out assistance today?
I can't help but notice you avoided this question for you my friend.
Have you obtained the appointment?
I will try and do this today or Tomorrow
I look forward to your update.
So W and I seem to be getting along I think we'll we intact together and with the children she goes out with her friends during the day for coffee if she wants to go out of an evening then rather than asking me do I mind if she goes out she will say I am out tonight when she goes out it is to meet with a female friend her best friend
I do not believe that she is looking for another relationship yet I am scared that she is getting further emotionally from me and has distanced herself so far from me that I can see the no Iove......yet she will still do things for me as a best friend would
She is helping me paint my mums house as we are trying to get it ready to sell ...we still eat together as a family we have been out just the two of us for meals
So to me other than no sex or no hugs and kisses everything is as would be if I was in a relationship with someone
We do not argue or fight so how have things changed since bomb date
1) she speaks he mind openly in the past she would bite her young more often now if she is not happy about something I have done she will tell me
2) she goes out and no longer tells me where she is going ... Leaving me to wonder and to have my mind spin about what she is doing
3) she will work the days and times that she wants and generally does not ask me if she can take on a new jjob
4) she does not tell me or involve me in what she is getting up to I have to ask her how's her day been etc
5)'she has locked me out of her iPad and phone again leaving me to wonder who she is talking to or arranging to meet with
6) we do not talk about the relationship our past and the problems that were in the past that got us to here me not doing enough with the kids and arround the house I have addressed
So I am no closer to having her back she is not in love with me she might care about me even love me so what now .....I miss the intamacy but I do not want to meet someone else ...hell I am not ready to meet someone else
So I still do not see what is going to snap her out of this she still wants to live apart I want to take this off the table work on rebuilding bit by bit
What has changed with me is I am not getting quite so emotional not feeling suicidal most mornings I no longer cry I am detaching from her emotionally hell I miss her ...we cannot rebuild if she does not want to rebuild
So W and I seem to be getting along I think we'll we intact together and with the children she goes out with her friends during the day for coffee if she wants to go out of an evening then rather than asking me do I mind if she goes out she will say I am out tonight when she goes out it is to meet with a female friend her best friend
I do not believe that she is looking for another relationship yet I am scared that she is getting further emotionally from me and has distanced herself so far from me that I can see the no Iove......yet she will still do things for me as a best friend would
She is helping me paint my mums house as we are trying to get it ready to sell ...we still eat together as a family we have been out just the two of us for meals
So to me other than no sex or no hugs and kisses everything is as would be if I was in a relationship with someone
We do not argue or fight so how have things changed since bomb date
1) she speaks he mind openly in the past she would bite her young more often now if she is not happy about something I have done she will tell me
2) she goes out and no longer tells me where she is going ... Leaving me to wonder and to have my mind spin about what she is doing
3) she will work the days and times that she wants and generally does not ask me if she can take on a new jjob
4) she does not tell me or involve me in what she is getting up to I have to ask her how's her day been etc
5)'she has locked me out of her iPad and phone again leaving me to wonder who she is talking to or arranging to meet with
6) we do not talk about the relationship our past and the problems that were in the past that got us to here me not doing enough with the kids and arround the house I have addressed
So I am no closer to having her back she is not in love with me she might care about me even love me so what now .....I miss the intamacy but I do not want to meet someone else ...hell I am not ready to meet someone else
So I still do not see what is going to snap her out of this she still wants to live apart I want to take this off the table work on rebuilding bit by bit
What has changed with me is I am not getting quite so emotional not feeling suicidal most mornings I no longer cry I am detaching from her emotionally hell I miss her ...we cannot rebuild if she does not want to rebuild
Hey G,
Remember this post you made on August 17th?
Ok so been here a very long time and have been helped by so many over the months.
SH_ thank you for standing by me I have started in the homework and I. Have watched a couple of the guy winch talks found them very interesting
What have you applied from what you watched?
So I am really going to do my best to make this next thread all about me and what I can do to help me.
Your best is not good enough...Just do what you say you are going to do. You must keep your word to yourself above all else.
I have been training with a personal trainer and although I have been packing on the muscle I know this by the weights I am now able to lift I still find that my weight is not shifting so diet is 80 % of what is the problem
I would say I am about 60 lbs over weight I realise it is not just about weight it is more about how I look and how I feel so I will use this as a guide
So for the next week I am going to monitor exactly what I am eating and I am going to make a reall effort that each and very time I go to grab something unhealthy instead I will DRINK THE WATER - TAKE A SIP and eat something healthy instead and at the end of the week I will weigh myself again
Every day I will start the day with 30 minutes of exercise at home. I have been paying a huge amount for a personal trainer and he has helped me but it is time I helped myself.
Are you doing any of this?
Goals for this week
Be more in touch with my children's needs I will spend a measurable amount of quality time with each of my children.
Do my share of the housework and I will decide what is enough.
Not get drawn in to arguments practice empathy and validation
I am going to look for somewhere to volunteer and by the end of the week I will report back here and let you know what I have found.
I did not see a report back from you on this?
Did you do this?
Ghost
What is wrong with the picture when you look at the first post in your thread here and your last one?
I have thought on this all day, and to be honest my friend...
I am exhausted reading the same thing over and over from you...
Remember my broken record comments...
My comments about broken records have become their own broken record now.
I really have nothing to say my friend.....
I see that there were no others that stopped by with thoughts today either....
Fatigue is setting in for those that want to see you progress....
What else can be said until you start to take action?
What is the update on setting an appointment as you have committed to me and those that are trying to help you?
Think on this Ghost.
You have not kept your word to yourself from your first post in this thread.....
Nor your word to yourself on many posts throughout your story....
Do you trust yourself?
If you can not keep your word to yourself, then what do you have left....?
Are you keeping your word to your W?
Might you see what the distance is growing?
Talk is exhausting?
More so when there is no action to back it up.
I continue to pray for you.
I hope you understand the desperate sense I am starting to have for you...
Ghost/ATP
A new thread is coming.A new start. Prove yourself.Take this opportunity. I challenge you to not mention W in this new thread. Okay if there is an urgent situation that needs addressing, make an exception BUT honestly I have not read one of those in months here!
I will give you a second exception, because I know you are struggling.You can mention W if it is about a current interaction where you were decisive and manly imposed your decision.Attention no reminiscing or mind reading tolerated afterwards though.
Your W is giving you more space.WoW. what an opportunity. What are you doing with all of this extra time for YOU.
I will repeat myself. This is going to take a LONG LONG time. Lets say another full year, although it could be much longer. A thread lasts less than a month for you. Use the next month for YOU. I assure you it will have no negative affect on W/R/M. Commit to this for one thread.DDecide at the end of the next thread how you continue.
Best wishes. Ghost I relate to you. You can do this.
SH I do sence your despair and I am sorry that I have made you feel like this I will re read this thread fully and look and see what I can do to help myself
Your help has been amazing and I will revisit as this is what I need to do
I am greatful for everything and I realise I am the one that can change things
Thank you
Ghost
SH I do sence your despair and I am sorry that I have made you feel like this I will re read this thread fully and look and see what I can do to help myself
Your help has been amazing and I will revisit as this is what I need to do
I am greatful for everything and I realise I am the one that can change things
Thank you
Ghost
There may be some discouragement in my posts to you, but know that I will stick here as long as it takes for you to make some progress....
And to be fair my friend, some of my discouragement may be me projecting some challenges I am having....
I do not want to do that you....
I do apologize.....
I know this is hard as he!!.....
So know that I will be close by, but I may pull back going in circles with the same points, as I may not be the best point of view.
I know you can do this and I am praying that you have made an appointment before weeks end...
One small step G, one small step is all it takes to start momentum....
I saw this quote this morning on my instagram and I thought of you...
Maybe it can inspire you...
"You'd never invite a thief into your house. So why would you allow thoughts that steal your joy to make themselves at home in your mind?” -UnknownMay your find some peace this night and find courage in the morning as you wake.....
SH thank you my friend it means a lot to me to be in your thoughts
Ok I am [censored] scared of how things are going to go but something has to change I have had lots of support and my constant spinning is not helping
So things that I have learnt
1) I control me and I control my actions
2) everything one does is a choice
3) love his very little to do with it
4) time does not stop no matter how one feels it tick tick ticks till the day you die
So I am re reading my thread and I am going to do what I can to make the next thread as much about me as Possible and how I am working on making changes
From time to time I may recap on things to gain clarity but you focus will be on moving somewhere
So starting with this
I am still living with my W and I do not believe that this needs to change as we are getting along ....or is now the time that I need to make the move to separate houses while we are getting along to preserve the relationship that we have ....could it ever get to the point where we are not getting along and she starts to hate me ....or have I learnt enough already and through not biting or reacting to her upset and by validating and being supportive that this would be enough to keep things on the level.....no mind reading just actions.
Confusion as to what I should do or should not do not wanting to make things worse ...see I am still thinking about my situation this needs to change.
So my children how I love my children as they grow older challenges on how to parent them let them know they are loved keep them safe set boundaries give and take give them the freedoms to make mistakes and to be there for them if they need help but let them learn and let them make decisions
I will keep reading my current thread and look for ways to change
Take care
Ghost
Did we establish that having thoughts of you leaving the home (separate) was what sent you on a downhill spiral the last time? If that's true, then let's not start at that point, when discussing making changes. What do you say? When discussing any changes, for now, let's leave the W out of it. At least for a while, to get the thought waves to take a different path.
If the family relationship is better, then that has to be better than it was several months ago, right? If your W does not speak disrespectfully to you, then that is a good thing. Being able to get along together is a positive step, Ghost. I think you are your own worst enemy in fearing what "could" happen, instead of living more in the present.
Enjoy your family. Do not give yourself the liberty to dwell on what your W may do.
Let's see if we can focus on you, Ghost. I would like to know who you are as an individual person. What kind of man would I see, if I were to meet you at work? If we were to sit and talk, what would you enjoying telling me about yourself? Other than your family, what brings you the most pleasure, fun, excitement, fulfillment?
Did we establish that having thoughts of you leaving the home (separate) was what sent you on a downhill spiral the last time? If that's true, then let's not start at that point, when discussing making changes. What do you say? When discussing any changes, for now, let's leave the W out of it. At least for a while, to get the thought waves to take a different path.
If the family relationship is better, then that has to be better than it was several months ago, right? If your W does not speak disrespectfully to you, then that is a good thing. Being able to get along together is a positive step, Ghost. I think you are your own worst enemy in fearing what "could" happen, instead of living more in the present.
Enjoy your family. Do not give yourself the liberty to dwell on what your W may do.
Let's see if we can focus on you, Ghost. I would like to know who you are as an individual person. What kind of man would I see, if I were to meet you at work? If we were to sit and talk, what would you enjoying telling me about yourself? Other than your family, what brings you the most pleasure, fun, excitement, fulfillment?
I know you gotta start a new post G, but I wanna say that sandi2 speaks all truth here.
Look at it this way,
You are standing in the middle of a deserted highway in the middle of no where.
You are standing next to your car.
You are staring at one of the tires....it is a little low on air....still serviceable, but it could use more air to be at the right level for maximum efficiency.
There appears to be the smallest of leaks, but you should be able to get to the next town well before it is a critical issue for driving the car.
You do not have an air pump...nor a patch...not even a jack to raise the car if you wanted....
Tick Tock Tick Tock
But you are not standing in the deserted highway next to your car, because of the tire.
You are standing here because your engine cut out.....
You are a master mechanic with great knowledge of car engines.
You have all of the tools that you would need to fix just about any engine.
This car engine can be easily repaired by you in about 1 hour....
You can repair it in an hour, because it is an engine that you built and it has great potential.
There is no doubt that you have what is needed to repair and bring the engine back on line and even better than before it cut out unexpectedly.
It will take some work and laser focus, but you can do it.
Tick Tock Tick Tock
Yet you are still staring at the tire trying to figure out how to get some more air into it...
Tick Tock Tick Tock
To add to the stress, there is a group of very bad people that are after you.
They are chasing after you because of unpaid debts and promises that you have made to them over the years.
They are tired of you not following through on what you have promised them.
They don't simply want to be repaid now, they want to make you miserable.
They want to take away all that is dear to you.
Because they feel that is the only thing that can repay the debt of unfulfilled promises over the years.
They tried to give you time.
They tried to be patient.
But you did not deliver.
Tick Tock Tick Tock
You continue to stare at the tire.
You think to yourself, "If only I can fix the tire and fill it to maximum capacity then my car will work and then I can get away, and be happy."
You continue to think on,
"But if I can not stop the slow leak and fill the tire with air, maybe if I just rip it off of the car, then I can get in and drive off to safety."
Tick Tock Tick Tock
The bad people are about one hour and fifteen minutes behind you and coming fast.
Tick Tock Tick Tock
"If only I can put some air in the tire..."
"Or if only I could just rip it off the car.."
Tick Tock Tick Tock
"No, maybe I can use some of the engine tools to just rip the tire off and then I can drive on 3 wheels....."
Tick Tock Tick Tock
One of the passengers in the car whispers....
"Fix the engine...
You have the tools...
You have the knowledge...
You can do this...
Please, just focus on and fix the engine...
Then we can drive to safety...
Then we can drive to a tire repair shop and fix the tire..."
Tick Tock Tick Tock
Confusion as to what I should do or should not do not wanting to make things worse ...see I am still thinking about my situation this needs to change.
Engine or Tire?
What is to be confused here?
1) I control me and I control my actions What action will you take? Fix the engine or rip up the tire?
2) everything one does is a choice Make the choice then. Engine or Tire?
3) love his very little to do with it Love, Fear, Happiness, Worry,....These are all choices. See your point 1 and 2..
4) time does not stop no matter how one feels it tick tick ticks till the day you die, I agree with you, this is the only guarantee in life....it is what you do with the time until such day.... What will you do G?
Ghost my friend....
What is the update on seeking the appointment?
Tick Tock Tick Tock.....
I am going to be stepping back a bit as I have a rough patch that I must get past...
Please come seek me at my lair, if I can help you, share thoughts and ideas to help you...I am not leaving you, simply stepping back to regroup and heal some festering wounds of my own.
I continue to pray for you my friend... there is still much hope for you yet...but the clock is ticking....
Tick Tock