Detachment and the end of limbo, sort of...too

Divorcebusting.com

So, I have had an incredibly over-busy kind of week, which is not very surprising for me these days.

Here's my last thread.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2694802&page=1

Maybe at some point I'll summarize things again, but here's my first thread, in case anyone wants to see what a train wreck I was early on in this whole journey. I've come quite a long way in the meantime, the rope is dropped, there's been no contact with WH since April. There are various legal things slowly churning below the surface, but it is early days for that process despite the fact that WH filed some long time ago.

First thread:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2650649&page=1

Anywho, It's been a crazy week. I hiked a great trail with waterfalls and played in the water, I FINALLY finished my financial paperwork (WAHOO!!!), and today I spent the entire day on a scenic railroad excursion and walking around a quaint mountain town with my Mom and Aunt. Earlier in the week I biked, I rode along on a boat while a friend water-skied, I walked in a park, I went swimming, I had dinners out with friends, I had yet another brush with some aggressive process servers, and tomorrow I am getting together with R-friend again (who seems to have seen the light that she may have gone a bit overboard when she sent me that Dear John-type email). Monday I saw my therapist and Tuesday evening I went to a beekeeper's meeting/picnic with a woman I have known for years and recently reconnected with and volunteered to staff the beekeepers' booth with her at the local fair later this month. Wednesday night I went to another BAN meeting. I've been in contact with my local lawyer and spent plenty of time with my l-friend. Yesterday I visited with a couple of other women I've known for a long time, too. They dropped by to visit, and I was happy to see them.

Soooooo... altogether it's been bit too much, but I've had lots of contact with lots of terrific people - parents, neighbors, old friends, new friends, people with similar interests and hobbies, and I even found time to do a whole lot of ugly paperwork and still care for all of my funny critters. AND I have definitely decided to get my own bees going in the spring, so I'm gong to be doing a lot of learning int he meanwhile and going to more bee meetings. Another thing in my life that has NOTHING to do with WH. I like that.

Now I just need a long nap.

I just want to sit home for a while now, but tomorrow is not going to be the day for that quite yet. I am meeting R-friend of lunch, and then I am going to try to get in to see my GP because I have been feeling ill in strange ways lately and am worried that I may have gotten Lyme disease again. (Yeah.) I found a strange solid, non-raised red rash on Tuesday that has since almost gone away, but one I had no idea that I even had, nor how long it might have been there - it didn't burn, itch, hurt, anything whatsoever. It was very strange and dark and I found it incidentally. i was dumb and put steroid cream on it...

Today while I was busy with my train adventure, I felt like I had a fever, had a vague headache, and my neck and the skin on my entire thorax felt bruised. I had to ask my mom and aunt if we could just sit down somewhere for a little while. My throat feels strangely tender, but not sore. Actually, I feel kind of vaguely sore all over the place, and joints in my fingers are acting up. I've been having weird symptoms for about 3 weeks now. They're not drastic, but a bunch of small things that have my spider-senses on alert, including severe night sweats 3-5 nights per week. Maybe that's due to the Prozac, or maybe it's something else. I hate to add any more events to my schedule, but it's probably time to get this checked out. I want to talk to my doc about tapering my ADs anyway, so I have another reason to go in.

Beyond that, nothing much to report in the legal department. I still have yet to be served, despite the best efforts of a pair of real jerks two nights ago. I came home from my bee-keeper's meeting and stopped by my parents house to chat. I parked my car at my sleeping quarters and headed over to my parents' house. Not 5 minutes after I got there, my mom sees two guys with big flashlights poking around the dark guest house, walking around the back and up the outdoor attic stairs. It was 10 pm and they were super aggressive. My dad went out to see who they were and they demanded to know where I was, and that they had a court order to give me. Blah, blah. My father told them that he couldn't help them and forbid them from being on his property. They went the attitude route and asked him "or what?" Told him to go right ahead and call the police. What jerks!

When I got my WH served in the other state, I gave the servers written permission to be on my property in order to do their job. These guys had no such permission, as my parents are the house owners, NOT my WH, yet they were acting like they owned the damn place, shining lights all over and walking around behind the house. My dad was not pleased. I just so happened to not be in the guest house at that time, so I got lucky once again. At this point my l-friend is telling me to avoid being served as long as possible. WH's response clock is ticking rapidly toward his deadline, whereas mine has yet to even start. I am in a stronger position. Of course, WH's L has made no contact overtures after that one time almost 3 weeks ago now right after he was served. Ugh. Th peace is glacial.

Anyway, I need to hit the hay here, and PDQ. I hope to get some more journaling done here soon. Good night everyone!

You have come along leaps and bounds since you first arrived here. It's so admirable all you do. I love hearing about your fun filled days. Just make sure you don't do too much and burn yourself out.

Glad you are seeing your dr. Your health is absolutely the most important thing. I hope that he gets to the bottom of it all and you start to feel better

Phoebe, you have always been a very calm and assured voice, even when you first arrived.

Well, now it would seem that you're even more so.

Hope you'll find that elusive good rest today.

Thank you Cherry and Grl for checking in on me and for the advice. I definitely need to slow down a bit, and I was debating calling my doctor (again), but you are right. I'll go make that phone call.

No rest day in sight quite yet, but I did get 7.5 hours of sleep and I've just been chilling g out for the last few hours, so a partial rest day, perhaps.

Time to go do my critter chores, then lunch with R-friend, run some errands, then probably biking or maybe even a movie. Who knows? I'm letting the later half of the day evolve.

I hope everyone has a good one today!

Well, its been a while, hasn't it? I've been busy, and that's about all I have to report.

SH, I did watch the TED talk you recommended, about the person we really need to marry. It was a good talk, though I wish she'd gone into more depth somehow. I guess I was left with more questions than anything else. What does that look like, what does it really mean?

I have to go back to work on my financial statement revisions for my lawyer (it's unending), and I'm not feeling terrible well lately, yet can't seem to get in to see my doctor. I'm more than a bit frustrated about it, actually, as I am feeling a bit worse every day. I am about to give up on seeing my GP and try to see if my rheumatologist can get me in. Finger crossed that i can see someone before the end of next week.

Hope everyone is dong well. I'm sorry that I haven't been able to reach out to anyone this week. Things are just a bit off around here.

Hi Phoebe, I was just thinking about you before you posted!

Can you go to the urgent care? If you got a tick infection you should get started on antibiotics (and probiotics) asap.

It's good you're staying busy. Sorry you have to deal with the financials. I had full control over ours so it made it easy.

I'm on a short vacation on my son so got to get going. I hope you get treatment soon!

Well, I managed to get in to see an NP at my rheumatologist's office, and I have plenty of bloodwork pending and was started on a 3 week course of doxycycline for a presumptive Lyme disease infection. Yeah. This is my second go-round with this lovely little bacteria, and I am no fan whatsoever.

So. i just took my first doxy dose, and I am hoping for good things beers I am feeling pretty crummy right now. I did get dragged out on a bike ride with L-friend for about an hour. I was tired, but time spent outdoors is hard to complain about. When we had some dinner and I headed home.

Tomorrow I would like to ice skate, but I am too exhausted and messed up. I really miss skating...

I'm too tired to type any more or do anything else. Good night everyone.

Originally Posted By: Phoebe

SH, I did watch the TED talk you recommended, about the person we really need to marry. It was a good talk, though I wish she'd gone into more depth somehow. I guess I was left with more questions than anything else. What does that look like, what does it really mean?
.

Good morning Phoebe!

Google the speakers name. You will find the source of additional details to clarify her message for you.
The point I took from it, is that we need to be on track with ourselves first.
Many LBS struggle because of codependency on the way the WAS has made us feel and is making us feel
I see many of the LBS fretting more over their own personal emotions of loneliness , self doubt, self esteem, etc., than the feeling and needs of their partners.
Many are seeking companionship as soon as possible to ease their pain.

We need to be okay being alone and loving ourself first. Idk that there is a specific way to do this, but I read frequently from successful folks that we need to be good with ourself first before we can be good in a relationship and other aspects of success.

Anyway, I hope you look further into this and share/discuss this with me further as I am working on this.

I hope you feel better, and please take care as the physical ailments can add weight to the emotional state if not cared for.

Maybe this is a higher power stepping in and getting you to slow down a bit.

I miss our daily chit chats.
Hopefully we can organize our chaos a bit to fit time in to do so as I think we still have a ways to go on our journey.
You are one of my biggest supports and inspirations here.

Be well today and take care.

I am so happy to see you again, Sparrow Hawk! We've both kind of gone missing, haven't we? I've been missing you!

I must not be looking in the right places, because when I look up the speaker, I seem to only be finding her web site which wants me to buy her book(s). I'm not sure that is what I'm looking for, based on what you mentioned. I was hoping to find a couple articles she wrote or a blog or something. I'll have to keep looking.

I absolutely agree that we need to be good with ourselves before we can be good for others. I know I jumped the gun on that one, but it is what is. Another bell that can't be unrung.

I agree that we both have a long ways yet to go on this journey, and I know that I, for one, could definitely use a friend along the way, so I hope that you'll stick around, and I'll try to control my chaos a bit better, too, so I can check in a bit more regularly, too.

I am working on my physical well-being, but not feeling any better today. I was so tired out that I actually slept 10 hours last night. (Amazing) Today I have a low-grade fever, too. I shouldn't expect much from only 2 doses of the antibiotics, I know.

I am experiencing the higher power of bacteria...

Today I rigged up a small pen so that my younger chickens can finally have a little time out in the real world, eating grass and scratching around for bugs, and enjoying some time to stretch their wings. Poor things - they had to watch the big birds wander all over the place, and, until today, they've never touched a blade of grass that I didn't pick for them and toss in their coop. Now they're officially teenagers, and they have a slightly larger world. : )

I'm betting they'll totally freak out this evening when I try to gather them back into their coop!

Hello Phoebe,

The book will be the details you seek.

The bell may not be able to be unrung, but there is always the opportunity to correct course.
I am planning to share updates this weekend on the good, the bad and the ugly.
I must organize myself.
I am simply surviving and that is not good enough.
I deserve better.
I desire better.
I can have better.
I will make better.

I do hope you feel better soon and that you can purge the bug.
Ahh, I do love to hear of your nature updates and the progress of your chicks.

Sleep well my dear Phoebe.
I look forward to our onward and upward journey.

Hi SH. I'm having a bit of a rough day today.

All was well until about 4:30 when I was pulling into my driveway, and a white car pulled around me in the grass, blocking me from driving forward and another vehicle pulled in behind me. I knew exactly what was going on, of course, so I just opened my window, affirmed who I was and the gentleman shook my hand, and handed my legal papers to me with the other hand. I thanked him and then he lingered a bit and we started talking.

As soon as he handed the papers to me, the white car must have taken off because I never even saw it drive off. I have a circular driveway, so the white car made a speedy getaway.

The process server was a truly lovely older gentleman (I'll call him PS), and he stayed and talked to me for about 45 minutes. He even bought a dozen eggs. It turns out that he and I have some people in common, and when I mentioned PS's name to my father, it turns out he knows PS, too! Little tiny world in these rural areas. Anyway, PS spilled the beans and told me that the driver of the other car was none other than my very own WH.

25 years of sharing my life with this human being and I didn't get even a tiny acknowledgment that I was even alive. He came, he skulked around in a rental car lying in wait for me, he blocked me in my driveway, he saw me accept the papers, and then he was gone, without me knowing it was even him.

PS didn't seem overly impressed with WH, just said he seemed very direct and interested in getting me served, mentioning something about a maintenance dispute. What dispute? We have had exactly zero contact in months. It's hard to have a dispute when there is no contact. Whatever "dispute" there may be could have been resolved by doing something that he has heretofore been unable to do - COMMUNICATE. I just need this man completely out of my life a this point.

In fact, this evening I'm ready to be free of all involvement with male companions. L-friend is very challenging for me sometimes and today, of all days, I wasn't really up for it. We didn't part of the best note. I guess I'm getting tired of the distance that he keeps between us, and I'm about ready to put up some distance of my own. I am finding it very difficult to have no expectations of this relationship, and yet I know that any expectations will not be met. He only has so much that he can offer, and I don't know if that's good enough. I'm not expecting a lifetime, but I guess I am expecting more than this.

I do think a course correction is in order, though I'm not certain which course I should take from here. Back to platonic friendship, nothing at all, accept a limited relationship with a limited horizon... I just don't know right now.

I cried tonight for the first time in weeks, and I'm not sure what the real reason was. Was it because Wh was right here and yet didn't want to even spare a glance my way, never mind the curtesy of a simple hello? Was it because l-friend hurt my feelings and reminded me of WH by refusing to talk to me about something that was troubling me? Was it because I just feel kind of crummy and off, and today was just a bit too much reality on top of that. All of the above? Probably.

time for sleep. I just feel like sleeping the entire day away tomorrow. Maybe some F**k that meditation is in order.

I'm 3 doses into my antibiotics, and feel... the same. If I was't taking a strict staggered dosing regimen of ibuprofen and acetaminophen, I'd be feeling a whole lot worse. Low grade fever continued today, and I'm still pretty uncomfortable, joint pain-wise.

TH ebaby chicks were out in their day pen most of the day today again. They ar so darn cute and it's so good to seem them scratching around in the grass snd dirt. I gave them a leftover ear of corn on the cob, a melon rind, and the melon seeds. Happy little birdies!

SH, I'm feeling like I'm back in to surviving lately, too. I'll try to talk more about it in my next post.

AS usual, it's late here (after 2 am), and it is past time for me to head to bed. Goodnight to everyone.

Hi Phoebe, I'm sorry you had a rough day. That must have been hard to know that your H just waited in a rental car to see you had been served and then drove off. Of course you feel upset about that and it's completely understandable. It also tells you a lot about where he is at just now....ie: not in a place to maturely and compassionately handle himself or the situation....but then you kinda knew that from reading his journal...

As for L-friend. I would say that what none of us need right now is complications from a new R. So, if things aren't working for you in some way - do what works for you! You know my view is always to stick with 'safe and nourishing' friendships at this point....but this is all JMVHO of course.

I understand about the back to surviving. I can remember thinking that in my own sitch - I seemed to be making such progress then - wham - back to survival. But I think as long as we stay on a good path - even if it's a hard path at times - we get there.

Do take care of yourself, stay on the good path and things will get better I promise!

(((Phoebe)))

I am sorry about the Lyme, ugh, sounds miserable. I can only imagine it must be hard to have enough energy and feel well to tackle all that you have going on. Perhaps slow down and feel better before making any hard decisions.

Your H is such a coward. Stubborn coward as he is really pushing forward, most likely full of regret and self doubt. I am sorry you had to experience that.

As for L friend, perhaps let it lie and don't define anything right now. It will unfold naturally over time. While you are not a scorned woman by any stretch, you have been through a crazy and painful rollercoaster in this last year and so why add anymore pressure? It's hard to make good decisions in life when we are not feeling our best. And perhaps you (understandably) are projecting some things on to this R or him because of all you have been through? It's hard to trust and feel close to others again after being so wounded.

You continue to impress me. I hope all here go back and read your threads. We can read the progression in your threads as you effectively DB'd, processed your emotions, got up each day and tried to focus on you. I think you will continue to attract quality people. Please keep posting so others can see how it's done. :-) We can learn a lot from you!

-Blu

Wow - that situation sounds like something out of a movie! WH must have become impatient with the servers not succeeding and come himself to get it done. I have never heard of such aggressive attempt as what you have described, I didn't know they could trespass.

It must feel very unsettling to have him be so near and then just take off. He was probably pretty unsettled himself.

It sounds like you're handling all this with grace and a calm I don't think I could have managed to keep. Really impressive.

I'm not at all surprised you cried later. You were ambushed, found out your WH was there but avoided you, so that's bound to pull at the scab.

If L-friend acts like WH, or you perceive him the same, I would look at what you need vs. what he had to offer and what kind of man you choose and why. That's a long process in itself!

Thank you Sotto, and Blu, and Painter for checking in on me. It was surreal, and now, in a stranger twist, I've exchanged a couple emails with the process server. It's a strange world. I just had to let him know that he knows my father. They had a good mutual friend for a lot of years who passed recently.

Today, if anything, has been harder that yesterday. I am deeply down and had a prolonged waterworks session reflecting that this morning, and now it is happening again. I haven't cried more than a couple minutes in weeks, but I guess the stars are aligned today for a show of emotion.

I'm still not sure I can adequately sort out this current rollercoaster dip, but WH being in my driveway and acting like a police officer with the way he aggressively drove around me and blocked me in the driveway feels incredibly cold and deeply unsettling.

I don't know that it's better or worse to have continued interaction with one's spouse, but this feeling of being at war with someone I spent my whole adult life trusting and loving, yet have had no communication with now in months, is beyond comprehension for me. I kept my cool for months after the disappearing act, got angry exactly one time, and that was the very last time he talked to me. After that, he didn't even have enough respect for me to tell me he was filing for divorce? After all the bullsh1t about how he wanted this to be collaborative if we ended up going this route... Now he's acting like I'm someone who is an enemy. He schemed to get me "caught," blocking me in my own driveway, skulking around in a rental car, spying at my parents' house to see when I showed up there, and never even saying hello or looking at me? Yet more behavior that I can't wrap my head around.

I guess I had hoped that I'd be getting past the stage where contact with him messes me up, but that hasn't played out at all. It's not as big a drop on the roller coaster as the early ones, but it was still precipitated by WH, and I don't like that I still grant him that much power.

I've just spent my day so far putzing around, reworking my little chicken pen to make it bigger and keep them confined a bit better. I must be an official farmer now; I built the pen out of two pallets, a wheelbarrow, a wagon, a long length of 4' hardware cloth, and BALING TWINE. That last bit is the key.

I talked to my Mom midway through this post, and she helped cheer me up a bit. You can probably sense where the transition is. At least the human fountain shut off for a while.

L-friend is almost an anti-WH in so many ways, many of them good ways, but communication was where my marriage failed and I don't think that I can tolerate the closed door communication method. I have never tried to be in any kind of R, no matter how tentative and not even just a friendship, where either person carried along so much emotional baggage. It kind of svcks, but I feel like I am going to have my bags along on the trip for the rest of my life. It was so much easier 26 years ago when the previous relationships were just high school stuff, not based on decades of experience. I don't want to be young again, but I would love to be that unencumbered again.

Ah well, if wishes were horses...

So, I guess I'm going to go see L-friend, though I'm not certain that I really am enthusiastic about it. I'm still down and could care less about the idea of eating dinner.

Phoebe, I am sorry to hear about how your H skulked around to make sure you were served the papers. It's horrid that your L friend would be adding to your distress as well.

Agree with Sotto, if L friend is not working out, you should put in your own distance and maintain some boundaries. Is there some other friend that will be able to let youlean on in lieu of L friend?

Hi Grl. It's good to see you.

In his defense, L-friend didn't know that i was as affected by WH's behavior as I was. I was doing a fair job acting, and it hadn't totally sunk in yet, either. I was still kind of realign from the whole experience. He certainly wasn't trying to add to my distress. He came to my place to give support. Everything was fine until the last 10 minutes he was here, and then he left because he claimed he was too tired to talk. I t felt like a door was slammed in my face, and I told him that it was the one thing that he could do that really bothers me. He left anyway. Not intentional, but a crummy thing to add on to my day's events.

Time for this camper to hit the hay. It's 3 am yet again, and I am beat.

And yes, I definitely need to create some distance. I made an effort to lay a couple boundaries tonight. We'll see how good I am at follow-through. I don't have a great track record in this regard.

No wonder you were feeling a little down, you have a lot on your plate. And feeling physically ill always adds to the rest of the stress and the upset.

As for wh, wow. Just wow. Who the hell does he think he is?!?! Blocking you in in a damn rental car just to witness this. Sounds like a deeply disturbed, nasty individual! But I can see how much it would hurt, a lot of your life has been with this person, and to witness the person you loved and built a life with turn into a narcissist is never pleasant. I'm glad you have family and friends to prop you up when you feel a bit crappy. And I agree with the others re L friend. Having someone you can lean on is great, but he also needs to accept that you are going through a tough time and mourning the death of an R.

Glad to hear the little chickadees are doing good! I'm impressed with your craftsmanship! Truly a kickass woman.

Hope the antibiotics kick in soon. Physical health problems really drain your mental health. Just take some time to love and look after yourself. You truly deserve it. I have hella admiration for you!

Thank you, Miss Cherry. Being called a KA woman by a woman who has shown that she is surely one herself is a high compliment, indeed!

I have a ton, ton, ton of stuff to do today, but I will check in with an update as soon as I can. My legal clock is now ticking since i was served, and there is much more urgency now and still so much to do.

Just what I needed - a crisis on a time table! Wahoo.

So yesterday was a better day, and then today has been sort of middling thus far. Talked to a L and then l-friend and ended up feeling enough anger for WH's actions lately that it triggered me to start crying again. Anger and someone I care about leads to tears for me. Yuck.

I've had significant contact with my legal team since I was served, and there is this feeling of new-found urgency that is making things feel much worse. WH has found a new out of state L who is apparently much more aggressive, and, conveniently, expensive, and also a L that is local, so now there are 4 Ls hard at work. Sigh. What a freaking nightmare this has turned into. So much for the man who wanted to make sure everything we did was "collaborative." I am just back to feeling utterly disgusted by this whole thing and I am so ready to be at a point where I don't have to think about this every single day. There is something just deeply unsettling about having to strategize against someone that I spent 25 years sharing my life with, because I know that he's doing the same. He has one advantage, however, I think he's been building strategy for a long time, whereas all this is all brand new for me.

Now, hey presto, I'm the opponent? WTF?

I did a bunch more legal tasks for that rapidly-expanding set of requirements, and then I drove out to meet L-friend for a bike ride, during which we were flagged down by R-friend. (She was actually the person that introduced me to him- she's back in my camp again, in case Iforgot to mention that. She invited me to a dinner party at her place on Sunday, which was great.) We all talked for a bit, and then l-friend and I headed off for a nice dinner. We'd both been having a pretty tough day, so it was good to get outdoors and get some good exercise and then be able to spend some time talking.

Today I was just having a hard time with the sheer amount of time, money, and life energy that this D process is eating up. It is truly absurd in every single way. L-friend assures me that it will probably be wrapped up by the end of the year, but I have significant doubts. He is also urging me to consider contacting WH to discuss the need to stop the madness and start talking about how we can get this wrapped up in the quickest and least expensive way. Let me just say that the idea of contacting WH directly makes me feel kind of ill. I'm all about choosing the high road, and right now, I fear that if I see or talk to him that I might be tempted to stray from the dignified path. My little bit of simmering anger might turn into a raging volcano, given the opportunity, particularly after the process service episode. Theres nothing like being treated like a criminal to stoke the fire.

As usual, it's super late (2:30), and I need to hit the hay. One of these day I am going to try to be in bed by midnight. Dare to dream...

I

Crazy STBXH alert!!!

I hope you are going to come back here some day and pull this stuff and have a hollywood movie made.
You can't make this sh!7 up!!! WOW!!!

Anyway, I have been reading since it happened, so it was delayed reaction here on my part and probably over did it.

But hey, your my bestie here and we need some laughs, both of us.

We seemed to have more of those back when the darkness of hell itself was closing in on us. And now? What the heck?
We are wandering off keeping busy to keep it all down.

So, here is my challenge to you.
Lets make some funny around here and in the words of the late and great Heath Ledger,
"Why so serious!?"
"Lets put a smile on that face."

Only we will do it without the insanity of the twisted Joker character.

I Hope you are doing well, and I am committing to you to check into my thread and yours daily.
I need it right now.

Sleep well my dear Phoebe.

Four L's - heck! I would keep things calm and steady at your end. Use your L wisely and be clear about achieving reasonable outcomes - persist towards those.

XH suggested a few daft settlements, but once he saw a L, he proposed a reasonable one, and I agreed to that. Then he went back to a couple of daft ones, but we reminded of the reasonable one and that's what we settled for.

There were things I let go of - 000's spent on visiting OW and I felt he overestimated his incoming assets (mine were clear and undisputable.) However, overall I feel it was fair. XH of course may feel I stripped him of many assets....but I feel at peace with how things unfolded. Ultimately we went for a simple formula (suggested by XH) - total assets - minus my incoming (I keep) minus XH incoming (he keeps) and the rest shared 50/50.

I also had in mind the agreed death benefits. Had he died (ie: no fault of his own, during the M, I would have received around this amount). Again that felt fair. Also guiding me was the thought - I'm not going to be cheated on AND stitched up in a settlement.

But I was pretty calm and minimal throughout - though I used to spin a little when I had to persist for what I felt was right...

Hope some of this helps anyway and it sounds like you are doing well. These are difficult times that will get better.

(((Hugs)))) xx

Phoebe, hugs to you. I'm also angry and feel like crying today. It can get hard to keep a PMA going when you're confronted with being treated badly, and I think it's okay to allow yourself a vent and a cry before you trudge on.

((((((P))))))

The best thing for me can be a very entertaining movie or going to a beach. Both of those things really take me out of my own head to where I get a proper break.

I want to go see Florence Foster Jenkins, the new Meryl Streep movie. Maybe I'll get my son to go with me tonight.

Yes, I've definitely had a few occasions to both vent and cry since the process server event.

Every time I pull into my driveway now, I just keep seeing that white car going around me and blocking me in, now knowing WH was at the helm.

I am up to my eyeballs in this legal morass, and feel like I get caught up with letters and comments and calls to one L or another, only to get behind again a few minutes later. My living room floor is covered with documents and I am just plain tired.

Gotta go to my weekly meeting with my mom.

Phoebe, can you do something to change the view a little to banish that image? I'm thinking, put out a planter or a gazing ball, garden flag, solar lights - just something that will catch your eye when you come home to make you smile and replace your traumatic experience with something else.

Good evening my dear Phoebe!
I'm checking in as promised.
I hope you are pacing yourself and providing the very needed self love.
Have you slowed down long enuff for a chocolate meditation?
How about our other favorite meditation maybe?

I am here for ya when you are in a place to check in.

Sleep tight.

Painter, I like your idea about changing the view a bit. I'll have to put my mind to it and see if I can tweak things just a little bit.

Well, altogether, it's been a marginal kind of day. I just don't feel physically well, I'm drowning in the legal sea, down, frustrated, just found out that my WH had yet another destination he traveled to repeatedly in 2015 (more toll plaza data), and I am just plain sick to death of everything to do with this whole mess.

Tomorrow I have an appointment with my GP, and I'd like to talk to her about starting to taper my ADs, and yet here I am, struggling more again. Ugh. Never mind that the appointment is at 9 am, an hour from my house, and I can barely get to sleep before 3 am theses days. I normally avoid morning appointments like the plague, but I booked this one last week when I was trying to be seen by anyone, and I decided to keep it because it was so hard to get in the first place.

After my GP, my plan is to go over to R-friend's place for some lunch and then we're going to a local fair, where l-friend will meet me in the evening. So, I'll certainly be busy all day tomorrow, which will keep me from thinking too much about all the rest of this.

L-friend just called me because he's worried about me blaming myself. He keeps telling me that this wasn't my fault, but I just feel like I was so incredibly naive. I was trusting and my WH took full advantage of that quality. It's just been a discouraging stretch of days again.

SH, I'm afraid that I didn't do a chocolate meditation. Instead I downed a pint of Ben and Jerry's this afternoon while I was trying to work on a set of notes for my L about the history of my M in 2015. Not surprisingly, eating the entire pint didn't make me feel better...

I'm about to head to bed because it's going to be a very long day tomorrow, but I will definitely pull up and listen to the f*ck that meditation before I go to sleep.

Wouldn't you know it that the week I'm having a tough time, my therapist is out of town? And just last week he was saying how good I seemed. I was almost wondering if he was going to talk to me about cutting back on the frequency of visits, but was waiting to see if it lasted a bit longer. Short answer: nope. didn't last.

I haven't cried in weeks, and since I got served a week ago I've been back to the old waterworks most days. Luckily it's not the fire hydrant variety of yore, but it's still enough to make me feel vulnerable again. My emotions are just bubbling up here, there, and everywhere.

Fingers crosses for better things tomorrow.

Goodnight everyone and I hope that the day brings you peace tomorrow.

Good morning Phoebe!

Slow down.
Take a moment and look at what is happening around you.
Is being so busy, helping you get to where you want to be?
Or is it just another roller coaster zipping you around in circles?
This roller coaster is in your control.

Have you sat down recently and evaluated your personal goals?
What is it that you need?
What is it that you want?
What is it that can add joy to your life and soul?

I am getting the perception that GAL for you has become more about staying busy to ease the pain, than it is about creating a good journey towards finding yourself and creating self joy and love.

I may be wrong, but I am praying for you as your updates and journaling have a sense of franticness.
GAL, IMHO is about creating peace, joy and a sense of self.
Are you experiencing any of this?

(((((Phoebe)))))

I will be back this evening to check in with my dear friend Phoebe.
Hugs

Phoebe

I am sorry all these emotions are causing you to be restless. Just know you will get through this.

((((Phoebe))))

I hope you figure something out that isn't to physically exhausting to do.

It sounds like you need some rest... Maybe getting up early today can help you get into a better sleep pattern?

It sounds like your day is really full, and I get that it beats sitting at home crying (have several of those t- shirts), but maybe you can make it an early night and take your meds to try to sleep earlier than usual?

The tears need to come out, too. It will stop much faster this time.

You were not naive. You trusted a person you had decades of history and a committed relationship and even a legal contract with. If a business partner of 25 years suddenly took all the money in the company account and flew to Aruba, would you blame yourself? If a woman was raped by a friend she had known for 20 years,would you blame her?

You cannot have a relationship without trust. It's one of the cornerstones. It's not your fault that your WH has emotional problems, or that he is dishonest, or that he lies.

Good evening Phoebe!
Driving by again to say hello and peek in on you.

How's the farm doing?
How are the parents?
How is the paperwork coming?
How are you doing?

Are you pacing yourself a bit yet?

I hope all is well.
When ya gonna be around to chat?

Sleep well Phoebe.

(((((Phoebe)))))

Why hello, Sparrow Hawk!

Today was a good day, busy, as usual, but good. I almost missed my appointment with my GP because I hit snooze on my phone after the alarm went off and it never made another peep. I had a 9:15 appointment, and i try to get out an hour early because traffic can be a wildcard. Well, I peeked at my phone to see how long I had left of my 9 minute "snooze" and the answer was OMG!!! - it's 8:17!!!!!

Oops. I had a 2 minute shower, brushed my teeth and threw on some clothes, ran outside to feed my younger chickens, let my big birdies out for the day, fed the cats, and hit the road. Somehow, without any significant speeding, I go there with 3 minutes to spare. Whew! Every light was in my favor, and there was no traffic anywhere to speak of. It was odd, but a good day for it!

My doc put me on an additional antibiotic for Lyme disease because I'm still having symptoms after 9 days on doxycycline. We talked about it, but she doesn't want me to taper the AD dosage yet at all. I was disappointed, but, given the way I've been feeling the last week, I suppose it's not a bad idea to stay on this level a bit longer.

I had an incredible lunch home-cooked by R-frined at her house, and then we headed to the fair, where we ate some more, walked and walked, and generally had a very casual, relaxed time together. It was nice. L-friend met us in the evening and we all watched a free concert for a while. L-frined and i then walked around the grounds, including the midway, then headed out for the night. My only wish for the day was that I had dressed a bit cooler. Jean on a hot humid day are rough!

SH, I did the f-that meditation twice last night,. : )

The farm is good, though I have one chicken that has spent the last 2 nights outside the coop. I didn't realize it until this morning when I let the birds out (while rushing around to get to see my doctor!!) and realized that there was a ready a chicken lurking around the tractor! Hammy. I wasn't certain, but I was suspicious that she was out all night. Tonight I checked the coop When I got home after 1, and there were only 9 birds in the coop, rather than the full 10. I searched all over for her, talking th whole time, and hope=ing she might anaswer, but... nothing. : (

More updates later.

Does this site have some sort of chat function, SH, or are you asking me when I'll be back n line again? You can give me all the details, while I go and get some shut-eye. It's going to be 3:30 here shortly, and I am super tired.

Good night, everyone!

Hope you're sleeping!

I woke up at 3:30 from an entertaining dream - I pulled OW by the hair out of their bed and dragged her down the stairs and out of the house and drove her to the state border.

Just had a cup of tea and hope to be able to get a few more hours of sleep. Thankfully it is Saturday!

What are you doing this weekend?

Hello Phoebe!

I do not believe the chat function works here. I was more thinking of the days where we were more in sync and roaming around the community here more at the same times.
Chatting with you with a post or 3 per day would be what I meant.

Sleeping past the alarm. Now that is a different thing for you eh? But I know that panic mode you hit when you realized you over slept. It can be exhilirating and get the day started off on a very different foot eh!?

So am I correct to understand that most of your days are spent with 2 friends? The l friend (a bit more than a friend?) and the r friend ( friendship has its moments of strain from time to time?)
Do you still do meet ups or other events with groups of people?

What are you doing these days for as it relates to alone time?

Run away chicken eh?
Did she just slip out on her own?

Ah, I do enjoy the f that meditation. The smile on my face always grows when hearing it.

I had a busy day with now d6's birthday. She seemed to have a blast.
D18 left a few minutes ago for a late night gathering of her friends.
She is very excited and I have that fatherly nervousness.
But u expect she will have fun and I will sleep with one eye open till she returns safely.

I am beat, so I will swing by tomorrow for more chatting and an update on my own thread.
I think I have to get a new one started. That is like number 6 or 7 I believe.
Oh what a journey it has been.
Sleep tight my dear Phoebe.

Well, no it's not just two people these days, but, yes, they're the ones I see most often. True, l-friend is more than a friend, and R-friend is a bit of a challenge, but I enjoy her company. She's from Europe and the cultural differences are interesting. She can be blunt, but also funny and astute, and she's an incredible cook! I got a recipe from her for her stuffed tomatoes and made it last night. (All three of us had it last week at r-friend's 20 years in the US anniversary party) I love to cook, so last night was a homemade dinner extravaganza, and most of it was even home grown! I made fresh bread, stuffed tomatoes, fresh garden cucumber salad, roasted red peppers, and an egg salad made from a stash of eggs that one of my birdies squirreled away for a few days, and thus had to be eaten relatively quickly. Cooking is a gift I give myself, and it's one that I've barely given myself since walk-away date. Heck, I wasn't eating, so there was no point in cooking. It's really nice to be in my kitchen again. And eating again.

I see R-friend a couple times per week, and I see l-friend most days, that is true, but usually just a few hours in the evening to bike and have dinner. Days are on my own, dealing with legal stuff, working on my farm, trying to get caught up on long-neglected tasks, etc.

I have two neighbors I spend time with, usually once a week or so each, and a woman I've known for a long, long time that I will heretofore dub B-friend that I went to a beekeeper's meeting with recently. We volunteered to staff the beekeeper's association booth at the local fair this Tuesday evening from 3-9. There will be samples of different types of honey for people to try, and there will be a demonstration bee colony, and I'll be learning a lot (or looking very clueless???) because I will have to be answering questions from the public. I probably ought to do a bit more reading before I go, huh? I am totally excited to start keeping bees next year!

I still see my parents most days, but admittedly not as much because I have pretty much finally made the transition back to sleeping in my own bed in my own home again, a mere 8 months into this whole WAS/D adventure. That's serious progress.

I also hike with H-friend, and have spent time at her house and she is pretty darn great! By far the easiest person to be around that I've met. I had to bow out of a last weeks' activities with her because of my wonderful Lyme issues, but I fully intend to start hiking with her again now that I am feeling better. we were supposed to go on a biking and paddle boarding adventure last week, but I was down for the count that day, fever, achy, generally yucky.

Yesterday I spent the entire day at the farm. I spent serious time with my birdies and got caught up on a lot of stuff that had been piling up.

L-friend came over around 7 and we went for another really good bike ride, getting back right at dark. I have installed a headlight on my bike now because the days are getting shorter again. Then we cooked dinner together, which was, as I said, one of those things I love to do, and he stayed for a few hours afterward.

No, I haven't gone to a MeetUp in weeks. At least 6 weeks, actually. My Audubon Society meetings stopped over the hottest months of the summer, but are set to start up again in the fall, so I'm looking forward to that. I still hike by myself when I go to my therapist.

Yes, I'm busy, but I'm also feeling OK. I don't feel like I'm staying busy to run away from the messiness/madness/sadness of my M/D I am just spending time with people I enjoy, doing things that I enjoy.

When I was at the fair on Friday, I spoke briefly to a vet in the animal health demonstration area, and she invited me to contact her to work at a low-cost spay-neuter clinic that she is a part of. It's paid work, and it's in my field, on a per diem basis. I'm thinking that might be a good thing to investigate, so I'm going to contact her this week and see what it's all about.

Alone time: I need more of this, I completely agree.

SH, I am so glad to hear that D6 had a good time for her birthday, and that D18 is out enjoying her friends. You are a wonderful, loving father.

Farm update: This is the story of one crazy hen...

Two mornings ago, when I was frantically rushing around because I overslept and was running late to my appointment, I was on speed chicken-care duty. I let the big birds out of their yard, and they were all following me, but I noticed that one bird was actually AHEAD of me, about 25 feet away. Hmmmm. Why wasn't she with the main herd of birds, and how could she have possibly gotten that far ahead in a few seconds? I was suspicious that she spent the night outdoors. That evening, after dark, I checked the coop, and, indeed, I only had 9 hens inside, instead of 10. I went out and searched for her in the dark, but to no avail. I thought she was a goner for sure.

The following day, late-morning, I went out and let out the flock, called and searched around for RogueBird, and... nothing. I gave the other girls some treats, and then I hear this loud squawk, and she came flying out of the weeds at me! Luckily I saw where she came from, and there in a little corner, hidden by tall weeds, she had secretly laid a 9-egg stash of eggs, and then she had gone into full on Mommy-mode and was willing to risk life and limb to hatch these sterile eggs and was now acting like a typical grumpy broody hen. Poor girl. Now she's under lock and key.

Tomorrow I see my therapist again, and there's certainly a lot to talk about once more, with me being served while he was out of town. After that I'll go for a hike on my own, then probably a ride, and then I'm headed to the fair again. More to see and more to do, and another free concert. I usually go the fair once every few years, but this year I bought 3 advanced sale tickets and got one free for the night I volunteer with the beekeepers. It's a nice change of pace and a way that I can both see plenty of good things, and, most importantly, for me, get a chance to see all the animals!!! I love seeing the goats and the chickens and the cattle, especially. I love to watch the heavy horse hitches, too. It's incredible to watch a single person control up to 8 draft horses so carefully and patiently. Plus there are all the ribbons woven into the horses' manes and tails, the ringing of the harnesses, and all the shiny wagons, with every hitch in its own colors. It's wonderful.

Today is another stay-at-home sort of day. It's too hot to stay out for very long, and I am starting to have all my usual issues with phototoxicity from the doxycycline and azithromycin antibiotics, so I have to wear long pants and sleeves and a hat in this heat. Yuck. I am still getting gout there is short bursts to play farmer, but then I come inside to enjoy the a/c until I gather my courage to head out again!!!

Tomorrow I'll be right back into the thick of the legal stuff, but today I plan to pretend it just doesn't exist.

I've been tapping away at this on and off all day during my cooling-off breaks, so it's high time I just posted it already. I hope that everyone is staying cool and has a relaxing day of peace and quiet from all the M/D stuff. We all need a break sometimes.

Phoebe

I am happy to hear you had a good day! This makes two of is. I have had a wonderful day also!

Can't tell you how happy that makes me, JK!! You've been having a tough sled of it lately, and I am so glad to know that you caught a break today. Ride the good days on this roller coaster for all they're worth!!!

(((((((JImKao))))))

You sound like you're doing good

just thought I'd swing by and say hi. You really inspire me to get out and do more. I think you by far do more GAL activities than any other db-er I've seen. And it seems to be doing you well.

I'm also glad to hear that you are cooking and eating a lot better too. That's great to hear. I find it's often far easier to eat when I have company.

Keep at it, you're doing great and you've come so far

Tonight I took a long-overdue walk in my fields after dark. Man, I love my land, and walking in the dark reminds me of why I feel that way. It was cool outside, with just the tiniest hint of a breeze. The crickets and katydids were singing their beautiful chorus, the bullfrogs were calling out their staccato songs, and the stars were shining brightly. It was wonderful.

Time for bed!!!

Okay now.
I am officially a bad neighbor and poor friend.
I did not follow through on my plan to swing by everyday.
Please forgive me.
I am not giving up though.
I am renewing my pledge to you and will stop by everyday if just a short minute.
I have read up on your thread and what you shared in mine and will respond early tomorrow morning.
You my dear friend Phoebe are going to take precedence going forward until we are out on the other side of this.

Sleep well tonight and we will "chat more at length tomorrow. I think you are on that same 3 hour time difference as I am challenged with in communicating with my brother.
But I will prevail in making contact and banter some chit chat with ya.

(((Phoebe)))

Why Hello Phoebe!

Are we on at the same time today?
I see you just posted to Cherry, so not sure if it is a quick break you are on. or hanging here for a minute.
I have the day off so am hanging here a moment.

SH, You are wonderful, just as you are. You are in no way a bad neighbor, friend, or anything else! I am grateful to hear from you anytime you are in the neighborhood, but if you're out of town for a few days, that's perfectly OK.

we all have busy lives.

I've been busy, and I am knee-deep in legal documents yet again, but I am off to go raspberry picking with H-friend at the moment.

I will get back here tonight, hopefully, and do a bit of journaling. I hope that everyone is having nice day. It's a bit rainy here today, but it's nice to have a break from the heat, and we so need the water. It's been a very dry summer in the northeast.

I will swing by again tonight then.
Save me some raspberries.
I do enjoy a good raspberry.

Stooooopid legal paperwork.
Why it gotta be so much and so difficult.
I know.
Because the lawyers right?!?!?!?

Cue lawyer jokes.

LOL

Just dropping by before I pass out to sleep here.

Hope the raspberry picking went well and that you saved more than you ate.

(((((Phoebe)))))

Well, SH, I paid for more berries than I ate, but I ate a lot! They may have lost money on my sale.

The berries were beautiful and plentiful, and I really had a nice time picking and getting to know H-friend better. She is interesting and we find it easy to talk to each other.

After raspberries, I went for a bike ride with l-friend. We were hauling, so I was pretty tired afterward, and during, for that matter. Berry picking involved a lot of squatting because many of the berries were hiding below leaves, so my quads were tired, and then l-friend was having a tough day and had extra energy he needed to burn off, so my tired legs had a lot to keep up with.

As usual, I've been up way, way too late again, so I need to hit the hay. More next post.

So my sleep schedule is officially derailed again. I didn't even bother going to bed until 5:30 this morning because I simply wasn't feeling tired, then I woke up 2 hours later, was able to fall back asleep and slept until 10:15-ish. Yet two nights ago I slept 1:30-9:30, which was great. I'm not exhausted and laying there fitfully, as I was previously when I wasn't sleeping well. I'm just strangely awake.

Honestly, i have been more out of sorts since realizing WH was part of the tag team that served me. Knowing he was here, drove over 10 hours to direct the action, and didn't acknowledge me in the slightest just bothers me. So callous and creepy and indifferent. Plus, I simply can't escape the subject of my MR when I have to keep working on my legal morass. Last night after dinner l/friend read through one of my latest 3 legal docs. They're long and fussy and every word matters and reminds me of WH and our M. I'm just not getting as much time 'off' from the subect, and so it's starting to weigh on me more again. Plus, I'm feeling guilty that the best legal counsel I have is the only one that's not being paid. Just watching him proofread my affirmation yesterday, marking it all up with pencil to fine-tune the wording just reminded me how much help he has given me.

I need to go make all the changes he suggested and send it to my local L today. Then two more long documents to go, including going over the dreaded financial document with a fine tooth comb yet again. A mere 27 pages of lovely reminders...

It comes and goes, but the human fountain routine has been more active lately, whereas it was on hiatus for weeks before service day. I cried twice yesterday, and probably the day before, too.

Time for me to get back to work. I wish everyone, and especially dear SH, a lovely day today. May it bring healing to us all.

Phoebe, it's not surprising that it's catching up with you again. Hopefully, it will pass soon. I would have been freaked out as well.

Let yourself feel what you need to.

My pill is kicking in so must sleep.

I hope you sleep well this evening my dear sweet Phoebe.

Ima gonna find you a good sleeping meditation.

(((((Phoebe)))))

And I'll be looking for it, SH.

Painter, you hit the nail on the head. The people that can hurt us the most, bar none, are those that we allow to get close to us. Speaking for myself, I've never let anyone as close as I let WH, and he was that close for 2 1/2 decades. I trusted him completely, therefore he was the only person that could possibly hurt me this deeply and also shake my very understanding of my own self. That's why I have had to reach out so much of others to help me sort through the remains.

Sometimes I wonder how my life became this surreal. Whenever anyone asks me some question about WH, they are pretty much always shocked by my answers. I am, too. It all makes me feel very powerless in my own life, that there has been so much change that was entirely outside of my control. It seems that WH felt he was powerless, and did everything he could to take back as much control as possible.

I am definitely not anywhere near anger again these days. Mostly, I'm just in the mode of sad acceptance, intermingled with a feeling that I just have to keep walking this path or I will never get off it. I long to be at the end of it, where I don't have to think about some aspect of it every day. If it weren't for the legal stuff, I can often simply forget about my whole M, beyond answering questions here and there. I like the spaces without WH.

Today I cut a small dog's toenails for the brother of a friend of mine, and I was reminded more and more how much I enjoy time with animals. This process has given that much back to me, at least. I so enjoy my farm cats and my flock of chickens. Today, for the very first time in a lot of years, I was actually thinking it might be nice to have a dog again. I haven't had one in quite a few years because I knew that I couldn't give a dog the time it needed and deserved, but I've been enjoying other peoples' dogs vicariously for years, and this year in particular.

I need to be careful. If I let myself, I might have a whole lot of animal responsibilities very quickly. As it is, I've doubled my flock this year, added a disabled toad to the menagerie, and I plan on adding bees next year. I don't want to get too crazy, especially because in the near future I am going to have to go back to work, and will have much less time for these pets.

Tonight I am off to an outdoor showing of the last Star Wars movie with L-friend. I think it will be a lot of fun. I spent a lot of my day so far with my parents, which is always a good thing, as well as emails to lawyers, which is less so...

Ah well. Walking, walking, walking this path is what I must do.

So, SH and I have been talking about my relationship with l-friend, and as it is part of my story that I want to be able to track as I move down this path, I decided I should get the essence of that conversation moved over here where I can keep track of it a bit better. I pulled out the bits and pieces from multiple posts.

From SH:

Do not become too dependent on temporary comfort or companionship to get through the pain. It can be like painkillers after surgery. They make you feel so good, but then you become addicted to something that is not good for you.
Slow down a bit.
Challenge yourself to take on some of the pain and chaos on your own.
This will prove that you can.
This will be the test to determine the level of healing you have achieved.
This is where you make big gains in strength and confidence.
Be cautious.
Get back to some basics of self love.
meditation, studying information that strengthens you, facing yourself.

I wrote back:

SH, I am working very hard on myself, and please know that I am not looking to another person to mask my pain or fill the void in my life, and certainly not to save me. I look to myself for all of those things. L-friend and I have an interesting way of interacting, and I can talk to him in a way that I haven't been able to talk to many others, except here on this forum. I am learning a lot from and with him about how to communicate effectively, something that I wasn't able to do with WH.

I'm not looking for happily ever after with this person. I am just letting things unfold without any expectation beyond being kind and supportive of each other. I am constantly monitoring to maintain a healthy, yet caring level of detachment. In fact, he is the person I know who struggles with depression. It is hard to watch, but I am not in any way forming a codependent relationship with him. I read my meditations on codependency daily, just in case, so I can recognize and nip in the bud any burgeoning tendencies I may be showing, and catch him when he shows any towards me. He will need to sink or swim on his own, just as I do, and he gets as many 2x4s as I give you.

SH replied:

It is good to hear some clarification on your sitch and your friends.
I trust that you are being cautious and observing what is needed to keep things in order.

I will say this simply out of concern for you as a friend and someone looking from the outside in and with some understanding of the struggles you are going through and the wild mix of emotions. Some of this I say for myself as well so as to stay out of a sticky relationship myself.

Be very careful in trusting the logical side of your brain as you say trying to watch for codependent behaviors and setting so many stipulations in a new found relationship.
The emotional side of your brain is running wild and desperate for companionship, actions of affection and someone to validate you in the ways you feel vulnerable. You indicated that there has been intimacy but that neither are looking for anything long term. And the final thing you mentioned that raises a flag is the challenge of depression he faces.

Step back a couple of paces and look at that mix and be completely honest what it appears.
I say this without any judgement. But please be careful.
Famous last words are when one says, I don't want anything long term, lets see how it plays out and I won't get attached.
These are words that you can only say for yourself.
What about him?

Anyway, I perceive this to be a touchy subject in this community that few want to give advice on nor touch upon with each other, and I want to tread cautiously.

You are a dear friend now.
You were with me in some dark times and even though we have not met, I feel a special sort of bond as we shared things that very few others know about outside this community.
And I would share this advice with any close friend or family member so I feel inspired to do so for you.
Please be extremely cautious and take time regularly to step back and look at it from a purely factual and logical standpoint removing personal emotions and needs aside.
Once certain lines are crossed in any sort of relationships, the slope is slippery and there is not going back with out some rough spots.

today:

SH, I hear exactly what you are saying, and I think about that nearly every day regarding l-friend. After having been so thoroughly rejected, part of me really does crave all of the things you mentioned. I recognize that. I don't know where this new relationship is going, quite honestly, and I am doing my best to keep the lines of communication open and to monitor for red flags. Yes, his depression is a major flag, waving right in my face, and I get that and have been concerned about it since the beginning.

We have talked frankly about our attachment levels, but you are absolutely right, it is high time l-friend and I checked in with each other again on this front and talked about it frankly and openly. We have done so previously, on more than one occasion, but things are getting more muddled over time, as you so rightly surmised.

Please feel free to say anything you wish to me, SH. I won't take offense. I may not agree with everything you say, but I would still like to hear it. You don't have to tread carefully with me. You have earned your place at my advisor's table, and I value your perspective.

________________

Ok, now that that's all here, I hope that others will be as kind as SH has been to me. I am fully open to receipt of 2x4s, but I hope they come with a little padding. I've taken to calling some of my feedback to L-friend "pool floaties." They're a bit gentler to be hit with.

I've been seeing l-friend as more than friends, and have been for a couple months. I know that some here really frown on the formation of new relationships without full completion of the D process, or even without letting a year or more pass afterward, but I'm just a simple human. I don't think that I am substituting one person for another, I know that my M is over and I have dropped the rope, and came to this realization before I allowed anything to develop with l-friend. I gave my M everything I had, and WH very systematically made it clear to me that it was truly over. Frankly, him telling me that consenting to work on our marriage would be "giving up on himself" was quite an awakening.

I feel better these days, and it's not because i am ignoring the pain. I am facing it every single day, and having someone around doesn't mask that reality. In some ways, it makes the pain more obvious because this new R is so strongly touched by what I am going through. There's nothing quite like a trigger being set off by an unsuspecting person, and having to share the history and explanation behind your out-of-the-blue meltdown. It is very humbling, and yet also an opportunity to learn to express myself better. I am learning a lot, and I am working on bettering myself every single day.

I admit that I am spending a lot of time with L-friend, but I also spend time with many other people and will continue to do so. Sometimes I feel spread a bit thin, but I endeavor to come out of this a broader, more balanced person, with more connections and a broader base of support than when it was just me and WH against the world. Plainly that was too many eggs in one basket.

What future is there in this relationship? I don't know. I do know, however, that it is based on mutual respect and friendship, not dependance or limerence. I have no illusions that this won't be difficult and sticky in its own way. I just hope that we can navigate it with grace and compassion.

As an aside, I have to say that my parents, who often are reluctant to show approval of me, and were definitely suspicious of all of my new friends, including l-friend before they met him, have shown no lack of support for me now. My father even pointed out to my mom that I seem like Phoebe again lately for the first time since December. They know what's normal for me, and certainly they've known me longer than anyone else on the planet!

I am eating (to the point that I've regained 20 of the 34 pounds I lost!!!), I am sleeping (mostly), I am working through a lot of issues every day, I am dealing with some major legal wrangling, I am caring for my creatures, developing new or neglected interests, and I am making new friends.

It is what it is, and I'm OK with that. I read my mediations on letting go every day, and I am letting go of the idea that I need to know how things are gouging to turn out. I am learning to appreciate what I have today and live in this moment. There is a lot of good to be had in the here and now. The past is immutable, and the future is unknown, but I can focus on making today a good one.

Today I am going to go see a movie in the great outdoors, and what could be better than that?

I love to read your posts and see how good you are doing.

You have been on such a journey, and the success of it is down to the fact you've worked on you, focused on you. I truly admire you strength. You're doing it and continue to spread the positivity and support to the rest of us. I'm proud of you.

Good evening my bestie!

Swinging by to see how your weekend is going.
It's late and I have some thoughts to get down on my thread and yours, but I am tired, have an early morning, so will commit to dropping by with some substantial pondering and updates tomorrow for sure.

Sleep tight and don't let the bed bugs bite.

Quote:

As an aside, I have to say that my parents, who often are reluctant to show approval of me, and were definitely suspicious of all of my new friends, including l-friend before they met him, have shown no lack of support for me now. My father even pointed out to my mom that I seem like Phoebe again lately for the first time since December. They know what's normal for me, and certainly they've known me longer than anyone else on the planet!

I am eating (to the point that I've regained 20 of the 34 pounds I lost!!!), I am sleeping (mostly), I am working through a lot of issues every day, I am dealing with some major legal wrangling, I am caring for my creatures, developing new or neglected interests, and I am making new friends.

These are really, really great things!

I can't imagine why your parents would be reluctant to approve of you. I hope you realize that's on them looking at the world with suspicion and not about you. You are a caring and compassionate, intelligent and highly accomplished person, who is also humble and undemanding and extremely hard working. There's nothing there to not approve of!

I hope your weekend is lovely and that the outdoor movie is fun! I've never been to one but I hear there is one not far from here, so I may go one of these days.

Good evening Phoebe.

There is a neighbor here the you might be able to help.
Coly23 is struggling with the waterworks and anxiety with a WAH and they are separated.
Thought you might have some wise advice from the things you have gone through.

I'll swing back in a bit.
Hope your weekend is going well.

How's my gal and all of her crazy GALing doing?

My goodness it's hard to believe that not so many months ago, you may have lead me to believe that you were not really of the skill set to GAL like you be doing now. Lol

I need to really put into practice some of what u are doing as I know I am sliding backwards and shying away from it all.
Not good for me if I'm gonna break on through to the other side.

Keep up the fun times, because why not eh?
Life is to short to just sit around doing nothing.

I hope you are doing well my dear friend.

(((((Phoebe)))))

Well, actially today has not been a good day. At all. I have been feeling disempowered and sad and crying and just plain crappy. I said something dumb (responded to a question about who I went to Europe with on my last trip truthfully, and it led to me having to tell a near-stranger the barest hint of my story. Just that H left inDecember, gone for good, etc.

The day just proceeded to tank from there. It ended up with my crying in l-friend's office, him being tired. Me saying I wasn't safe to drive home and him replying that it was a "school night" and he had to get home to bed. WTF? What part of not safe didn't get across? I actually wasn't sure I was safe in a much larger sense, I was so messed up, and about 2/3 of the way home I was hyperventilating and sobbing. Awesome. Really. His sleep was more important than my safety. that is going to be very hard to forget and forgive.

I don't understand people. At all.

More later. I desperately need to sleep.

Hi Phoebe, I'm sorry you had a rough day. I always think they are important days though because it is only by feeling lousy and letting out some grief that we can ultimately heal.

I'm sorry your L friend wasn't able to help when you asked for it. Sometimes it is hard to be there for other people when we are tired and busy.

Thinking back, I can recall another instance where you were upset and wanted to talk and he didn't. Do you think you are trying to rely on him for something he doesn't have to offer? Let me ask you - if L friend wasn't in the picture at all, would you still be okay?

Often I find that a poor day is followed by some good ones. I think because we feel calmer and have released some emotion. I hope that's the case for you.

Take care Phoebe and hope today is a better one. Xx

Thanks, Sotto, for checking in on me. And to answer your question, yes, i would be ok if l-friend wasn't in the picture.

Today already feels like a better day. I got a ton of sleep, and I always wake up feeling happier. Sleep is the best mood reset button I know!

Time to go out and play with my critters.

Hi Phoebe,

I'm sorry L-friend let you down last night, and I'm glad you made it home okay and got a lot of sleep. That is a good sign.

I'm not sure what I think about the situation with L-friend. I think he could have invited you to stay over at his place since you expressed concern about driving home, but he was probably not at his best (I think you said he's struggling with some issues of his own?) - and I can't help thinking about how it must feel for him to see you grieve over another man (however natural that is for you to do now). It might be tricky - and probably one of the reasons why it's not always a great idea to go into a new R before you're done processing the feelings from the old R.

Anyway, I wouldn't necessarily take his reaction as a sign of not caring - maybe actually the opposite.

Hi Phoebe, I'm glad you got a good night's sleep...that always helps.

Painter, that's an insightful post and food for thought..

Take care and hope today is a better one.

You are absolutely right, Painter, and thank you for that take on things. All of those were the reason I was trying to avoid getting myself into this kind of situation.

Today was resoundingly... meh. Not particularly good, not particularly bad. I guess I was feeling pretty ambivalent most of the day.

I did do one things that was purely fun, and that was to take a trio of monarch caterpillars and deliver them to my H-friend after my therapist appointment. She's as excited about watching them go from caterpillar to chrysalis to butterfly as I am, so it was really nice to be able to share them with her. I haven't raised any in about 10 years, so I'm super excited. I already have my first chrysalis, and she will probably have one by morning. They are gorgeous - little shiny green objects with perfect bright dots of metallic gold dotted in a line across the top and a couple more dots on the bottom. On the day that they will emerge as butterflies, the green chrysalis turns clear. Well, it turns clear, but it looks like it turns black because you can see the butterfly inside and it looks all black at first until the wings expand.

Anyway, it's truly a fascinating little project and I recommend it to anyone, with or without kids in the house, and being able to share that with her was the highlight of my day.

Beyond that, I had to talk to l-freind about last night and it was OK. He gets it, but it damaged some of my trust in him, I think. I don't think he understood exactly what I was saying. I was certainly saying that I was more than just upset about how my day was going.

Phoebe,

Oh how your update last night breaks my heart.

I wish I could stay up and just talk with you.

But it is late and I have had this thought since you first mentioned the (more than) friendship with the L friend.
Your update and permission to share my thoughts as I sit at your table inspire me to share now.

Would you step away form the L friend for a set period of time, say a month, to give space for both of you?
This will test the boundaries and intentions of the relationship. It will provide a clear indication to you and him of what your needs and wants are.

Quote:

Awesome. Really. His sleep was more important than my safety. that is going to be very hard to forget and forgive.

This indicates that the lines you may be convincing yourself and us that are in place may not be as clear as you would hope.
Your emotions and logic are in direct conflict with this.

Again, the advice to avoid relationships such as these so early as the emotional baggage should be better called emotional bombs.
Painter is correct in that he may be conflicted watching you struggle with the emotions of your H and sitch.
You know he has his own baggage.
This does not create a healthy mix for things.

Anyway,, I will leave it at that so as not to say something stupid or insensitive.....

But please consider stepping away for a bit.
You will know soon enough if you have withdrawal symptoms, as it still appears you need comfort and may be seeking in a place that is not healthy now.
And you will be able to separate the logic and emotion by taking the leave of absence.
One does not want to get off on the wrong foot in a new relationship, because messy is the last thing you need for a while.

I do hope you sleep well again and that you can have upbeat day tomorrow with fun and sound social connections.

BIG HUGS to my super awesome chicken lady with pencil smiles and some chocolate and F* This meditations.

((((((((((Phoebe))))))))))

I'm OK, SH. No broken hearts required on my behalf.

Apparently I'm getting pretty good at forgetting and forgiving. Things are back to normal with L-friend. Last night I was having a really crummy evening and just tapped out whatever was on my mind. I regret writing that line you quoted, but I set it free in the world and I can't pull it back.

Today was really vary blah, and included yet another person asking me a MR-related question about myself. This person was kind of complaining about his 17 year anniversary tonight and wondering if I knew where he was coming from. He asked if I'd ever been married. I hesitated, and then he asked if I was still married, which was even more awkward because I was out on a boat with him and l-friend. Ummmm. Yes to both questions, technically. I did say that I loved being married, however, in answer to his wondering about my feelings about marriage, in general.

Regardless, it reminded me again of my MR disaster for the second night in a row, and that it is still an ongoing process, when all I really want is to be living my own life now. Yes, I'm still married, but quite far into a pretty grim divorce, and I just don't feel married any longer. I stood for my M the best I could until WH made it abundantly clear that he was finished. His fantasy life for the last few years was to be divorced, and he made that happen. It wasn't my choice to end our M, but it IS my choice to go on living.

After I talked to l-friend about last night, the evening got a lot better.

You are 100% right, however SH. The boundaries we agreed to are smudged, and/or have gone missing altogether. Was it too soon to be in a R? Absolutely. Do I regret it? Honestly - no, I really don't. Maybe I will, but not right now. My therapist calls it a transitional relationship for both of us, and says that it is possible for that to benefit both of us if we are able to keep our communication open and honest. I hope that turns out to be the case.

No matter what else happens, I just plain feel like myself again a lot of the time. Not a shell of myself like I felt before, but the real me. That's not because of l-friend, or because he makes me forget the reality of my situation, but rather because my time with him has reminded me that there are other people out there besides WH with whom I can be compatible.

I talked to l-friend about how he it seems that he is theoretically able to understand my grief, but less able to deal with actually seeing it. He said that was probably an accurate assessment.

Today, while being kind of blah, ended well enough, so I'm pleased overall. I got my final revisions done on my two major legal documents, so I made appreciable progress. I still have the final net worth statement to hammer out, but that's purely formatting nonsense, and all the information is already written down and ready to go.

I don't know that I am willing to take a month off from l-friend, SH, but I will certainly take your thoughts into consideration.

Well, I'm too tired to think any longer, so I'm going to have to call it a night. SH, I will keep gong on this thought train when I'm a bitter rested.

Goodnight to all my lovelies!

Pardon the typos. It was late, but they always add a bit of an interesting twist to things.

I am better rested today, not bitter rested.

Originally Posted By: Phoebe

I'm OK, SH. No broken hearts required on my behalf.

To late, we be friends and when I see you hurt, a tiny crack will always take place in my heart for you.
But it adds character and strength to the old ticker as we heal it up.

Originally Posted By: Phoebe

I'm getting pretty good at forgetting and forgiving. Things are back to normal with L-friend. Last night I was having a really crummy evening and just tapped out whatever was on my mind. I regret writing that line you quoted, but I set it free in the world and I can't pull it back.

My dear Phoebe.
Don't regret anything that you have done. Regret is for those things that we have not done.
It was in your mind and releasing it is not a bad nor harmful thing. You did it in a safe place.
I do caution you though as the back and forth with your L friend does send up some red flags.
I pray that you are monitoring this in a manner that the back and forth does not start to feel like the norm.
I know you know that is not a healthy relationship in any sense of the word.

Originally Posted By: Phoebe

Today was really vary blah, and included yet another person asking me a MR-related question about myself. This person was kind of complaining about his 17 year anniversary tonight and wondering if I knew where he was coming from. He asked if I'd ever been married. I hesitated, and then he asked if I was still married, which was even more awkward because I was out on a boat with him and l-friend. Ummmm. Yes to both questions, technically. I did say that I loved being married, however, in answer to his wondering about my feelings about marriage, in general.

I love the blah days. That tends to mean a lack of emotion and is a good place for a moment after the flood of uncontrollable ones.

HA!

You should send the complainer of his 17 year anniversary in here for a moment and he would get a good slap around told to knock it off and goenjoy the MR he has.
But you know. Take for granted what you have until it's gone and all.

Originally Posted By: Phoebe

, it reminded me again of my MR disaster for the second night in a row, and that it is still an ongoing process, when all I really want is to be living my own life now. Yes, I'm still married, but quite far into a pretty grim divorce, and I just don't feel married any longer. I stood for my M the best I could until WH made it abundantly clear that he was finished. His fantasy life for the last few years was to be divorced, and he made that happen. It wasn't my choice to end our M, but it IS my choice to go on living.

Yes, your choice to go on living. That is exactly what you need to do.
And you are doing it.

Originally Posted By: Phoebe

After I talked to l-friend about last night, the evening got a lot better.

You are 100% right, however SH. The boundaries we agreed to are smudged, and/or have gone missing altogether. Was it too soon to be in a R? Absolutely. Do I regret it? Honestly - no, I really don't. Maybe I will, but not right now. My therapist calls it a transitional relationship for both of us, and says that it is possible for that to benefit both of us if we are able to keep our communication open and honest. I hope that turns out to be the case.

Don't lose sight of boundaries. You know this now.
I still think you are jumping back into the game to soon after such an emotional injury.
But, there are those that do it and it works out, so I will never judge.
I will support you and call out what I see, but you know I support you and will be here for you through the breakdowns of last night and the good times of tomorrow.

Not sure what I think of a "transitional relationship".
Sounds....well.....anyway.
I of course had to seek out info on this as I read this.
Have you looked up the term?
I won't go into what I have read, but I gotta say, I'm not on board with a therapist, um, approving something like this.
Communication is always key. I pray this will be the bond to maintaining the balance for you and for him as well.
Anyway, you are a big girl. And I trust you to be wise and care for your needs.
I'll throw a 2x4 at you only when you are to close to the edge.

Originally Posted By: Phoebe

No matter what else happens, I just plain feel like myself again a lot of the time. Not a shell of myself like I felt before, but the real me. That's not because of l-friend, or because he makes me forget the reality of my situation, but rather because my time with him has reminded me that there are other people out there besides WH with whom I can be compatible.

Yes, this is true. I still wold encourage that you think about a little time away from it, to truly prove that you have healed up and can live without it. That is a big key for being able to get into a relationship with your eyes wide open.
I still perceive that the timing of you coming out of the funky fog is tied to him.
Kinda like the pain pills after a bad injury. One feels like they are healed up and ready to go, until the don't have the pills.
Only when you can go without the security of it, will you know you truly healed and in a good place for a relationship.
Think on that.
Think big picture.

Originally Posted By: Phoebe

I talked to l-friend about how he it seems that he is theoretically able to understand my grief, but less able to deal with actually seeing it. He said that was probably an accurate assessment.

Can I just say as a man, I say I understand my D18's breakdowns due to her periods.
Watching it is a whole other thing though.
It's how we men are hard wired.
Not his fault.
He is trying.
Not as easy to do as we say it is.

Originally Posted By: Phoebe

Today, while being kind of blah, ended well enough, so I'm pleased overall. I got my final revisions done on my two major legal documents, so I made appreciable progress. I still have the final net worth statement to hammer out, but that's purely formatting nonsense, and all the information is already written down and ready to go.

YAY! A blah day and some productivity.
Now that is a win for sure.

Originally Posted By: Phoebe

I don't know that I am willing to take a month off from l-friend, SH, but I will certainly take your thoughts into consideration.

I hope that you will think on it.
What do you have to lose by trying i?
After the time you pick right up where you left off and all is well, or worse case scenario, you see that maybe you have become attached for reasons that may not help you in the long run.
Even a week or two can help you see with some clarity.
Unhealthy attachment happens while most folks are saying they have it all under control.
The whole, if you love something let it go........
But anyway, I have said my peace, and we don't beat horses around here. They never did us no harm.
I will not bring it up further as I want you to continue to share and not feel any judgement from me nor anyone else.

Originally Posted By: Phoebe

Well, I'm too tired to think any longer, so I'm going to have to call it a night. SH, I will keep gong on this thought train when I'm a bitter rested.

Goodnight to all my lovelies!

Love the typos.
Adds personality to the posts.
And some fun times interpreting things. LOL

Sleep well my friend.

You are doing well and I love that you are in a good place overall.

(((((Phoebe)))))

SH, you are a lovely, lovely person. Thank you for your continued support and concern. Lots to do again today, but I'll be back to journal more tonight. I hope you have a good day today.

I'm glad a better day followed after your more emotional one. As hard as the emotional days are, I often find the next day is better, like a valve has been released of some bad energy and then I can crack on moving forward in a more productive manner.

You keep looking after you and keeping up with the many many GAL activities, I've said it before and I'll say it again, I get exhausted just reading what you've been up to! The butterfly farm is something my friend suggested to do with s. Only problem is that I am absolutely petrified of the things so I don't think this would be a good activity for me! Eek.

Cherry, you should go! Butterflies have no teeth, and can't possibly bite you! They are beautiful and harmless.

Oh Phoebe....

Where are you. it must be after midnight in your neck of the woods.
I want some meaty updates on your mental state, your DB B&B, and the farm. And your L friend as well.
He seems nice.

Also a joke or 2 would be nice as you are always so serious of late.
Why so serious!?!? (Joker in the second Batman movie

)

Anywhooo
Just checking in and sending a big virtual rainbow hug to ya.
(((( Phoebe))))

Hi there, Silver Human!! I have no idea why I seem so serious of late. I guess I'm just bogged down in a lot of this legal stuff lately. Since I was served 3 weeks ago it's been pretty much on my mind all the time. It is a real slog, and my case is stupidly complex unless WH decides he is willing to settle. In the meantime, it's a whole lot of money going down the proverbial drain drafting motions, etc., and that pains me. I'm a frugal person, and, wow, I just don't understand how it all came to this.

Thursday I spent 2 1/2 hours (!!!) at my lawyer's office working together with his assistant to fill out this ridiculous financial document that I have to submit to the state. Part way through working on this document, the state came out with a new form that I had to use instead. The old form could be hand written, the new and improved (!!!) version has to be filled out digitally. Getting the information transferred to the new form has been an exercise in frustration, to say the least. The worst part, though, is that the document that I've spent so, so, so much time and energy on barely gets any attention from the court. And yet I still have to fill it out as accurately as possible.

At one point I was so frustrated with the assistant because she had an old copy that was completely wrong and she couldn't seem to appreciate why I wanted her to work from my new version instead of hers. I had literally stayed up all night to make all the changes, but she wanted to use her original document and have me read the new information to her line by line so she could write it in by HAND, and THEN go put it into her digital document.

Holy Cow, usually I'm a pretty nice person, but I was teetering right on the hairy edge of losing it.

I finally convinced her to let me email her a copy of my document (apparently she never got it from my L), and then she headed to her office to work on it. While she was gone, I took a Xanax, listen to a couple rounds of the F*ck That meditation, put on my most soothing music in my BlueTooth and just chilled for about half an hour while she worked. Luckily, after she did her work on her own, things got much better and the process went very smoothly. Thank goodness.

Anyway, it's been a whole lot of stuff like that, writing out what amount to informal depositions for my L, etc., etc., etc.. I am just tired of it all, frankly.

SH, Silver Human, Super Hero, Sage Homme, Sparrow Hawk (Shall I go on?

), thank you so much for the rainbow hugs. That was cool!

I�m early here tonight, since I didn�t manage to get here yesterday.

So here�s an update on the farm:

For the last two days I have let my �baby� birds free range. I say baby birds, but they�re really almost as big as the adult hens now, even if they only weigh half as much. I just love seeing them all out roaming around. The young ones tend to steer clear of the older ones, as chickens are very serious about their pecking order. It�s often based on size, so you can guess who�s low on the totem pole right now!

My eggs are selling faster than I can supply them, so I�ll be glad when the little ones start pulling their weight in the egg department. I only have 8 hens producing at the moment, so getting a full dozen can take 2-3 days because two or more of those lay only medium eggs that I feel bad selling. They look so teeny compared to the jumbo plus that the other girls lay, so I keep them for myself.

My parents still have their veggie stand, but nothing has sold in the last 2 days. No idea why, as they had been selling multiple baskets of veggies daily. wax and wane, I guess.

I am baking bread at the moment, so the house is starting to smell really nice, although the hot oven is making it kind of warm in here.

Meaty updates on my mental state, huh? Well, I�ve honestly been feeling really blah to down for the last few days. Shrug. Is it the legal crap, is it just a low ebb, is it entanglement issues, is it� whatever? I am not at all sure, but I�m working on it. I took today off and drove exactly nowhere. Opted out of all biking, too. I am just laying low.

A neighbor came over and we spent a couple hours out on my swing talking and watching the chickens. I spent a fair amount of time out there by myself, too.

I have yet to shower for the day, and I am going to say that is really not normal for me. It�s usually a first thing upon rising activity. I think I�ll go hop in now and get back to feeling human, even though it�s after 8 pm now.

Lovely Cherry, you have exactly nothing to fear from butterflies! They are beautiful and sweet, and no, they don't bite. I now have two chrysalises, a large caterpillar looking for a place to pupate, and two more growing kids busily munching on milkweed. I love raising these creatures. Fascinating, gratifying, beautiful...

I love the update.
Keep pushing through that paperwork
Look at them like a bad tax year........
Then you can just curse the IRS and forget the WH and his antics.

The farm sounds wonderful.
Cant wait to visit the DB B&B when you open for business.

I do hope you are doing well as the weekend comes to a close.

It's late, but I will swing by tomorrow and hope to bump into you here.

((((((((((Phoebe))))))))))

Well, I thought I posted last night, but apparently I didn't hit submit, darn it. It must still be sitting on the screen at home, whereas I'm hanging out for the day off-farm.

I am glad to hear you are just having technical difficulties.
That user error is the worst.

LOL

How is my favorite little busy bee doing?
Are you finding some true joy in all that keeps Phoebe busy?

I look forward to some chats with substance and time in the near future.

Sleep tight my dear Phoebe.

(((((Phoebe)))))

Just me again, back for a bit of journaling...

Yet again, I am knee deep into research about my own history for my lawyers. Sigh. Who the heck knew that I should have kept better track of this stuff. I mean, normal people don't make plans in the event that their spouse runs off and files for D unexpectedly, right? Who knew that the boring details of a life lived together would be of interest all these years later?

All I know is that I've looked at enough old photos, logs, journals, files, etc., to have me fairly well bogged down. I saw my therapist today and when he asked me how I was, and all I could muster was a shrug and noncommittal "agh." It took me an appreciably long time to even be able to start explaining what was going on. My answer was that I have just kind of had it with everything right now. Not is an angry way, but in an "I'm exhausted by it all" kind of way. I told him that this week I just kept wishing that I could curl up in a corner for a while and hide out. I can't even remember what he said to that.

What he definitely asked about was if any traumatic anniversary dates were coming up. I told him that the first one is gong to be the anniversary of the night WH walked away, which also happens to be the anniversary of our wedding. He seemed relieved that I told him that wouldn't be until late December. He mentioned that he was concerned about me having increased difficulties as those dates approached. I said that I can't see how it could possibly compare to the difficulty I had when the initial event occurred.

I don't want to go looking for trouble, but can someone out there tell me if I"m kidding myself if I think that I'll be OK when my Walk-away/Real Anniversary rolls around? In fact, my plan is to make this as beautiful a Christmas as I possibly can, and reclaim it for my own. It has always been my favorite holiday, and I'll be damned if I let WH ruin it for a second (or third, or...) year in a row. Anyway...

I even feel just plain marginal physically. I was on my antibiotics for presumptive Lyme disease and have been feeling largely normal again, but 2 days after I finished the prescription for one of the two meds, I was right back to feeling crummy again last night - tired, achy all over, cold even though the house was 70�, sore neck, headache, this weird feeling of my skin feeling bruised all over. So.... that didn't help my mental resilience. I had enough of the same antibiotic left over from my months-long Lyme treatment a few years ago, so I put myself back on it this morning.

No idea what is going on on that front. I don't even know if it was really Lyme or something else. Shrug. I suppose I ought to call for my test results, but what's the point, really? Whether or not the tests are positive, the treatment wouldn't change. If I still feel crummy when I finish my meds, then I guess I'll have to go looking for more information... more tests, more involvement in the medical system... sigh.

Last night I didn't go to bed until nearly 5 am, so, of course, here I am, awake again at 4 am and journaling. WTF is wrong with my sleep schedule? And it's not just the schedule - I'm back to only sleeping 5-6 hours a night again, and that can be poor quality.

I really just think that there is too much reality to this whole divorce process. L-friend tells me that they usually aren't this difficult (especially in cases without custody issues, like mine), but it's harder because I am basically going through two concurrent divorces in two states. Ugh. All I know is that it has kept me fully immersed in a lot of thoughts and memories that are easier to deal with in less depth. I've been stuck looking into my past for evidence, working deep into the night drafting spreadsheets and memos for my Ls, and it's the pits. How does anyone navigate this system??? I have my own personal legal guide helping me, and I am still bogged down and left numb by the process. If I was totally on my own, then I'd have to add bewildered to my list of emotions.

All I can say is that it's been a learning experience in a subject I had no interest in learning about. I have learned that every single written word is important and carries significant weight. You can sink or swim with a few careless keystrokes in a legal document. I am reminded that honesty truly is the best policy, as I can't imagine trying to keep track of more than one story. A single truth is hard enough to convey to my legal representatives who must , in turn, convey my truth to the courts. I've learned that within all the seeming mumbo-jumbo of legal affirmations and affidavits, motions and complaints is a system that is logical and procedure-based, not emotional. I can see how a person would find fulfillment in practicing law. It's not for me, but I can see it.

So beyond all that, things are going passably well. The birdies continue to acclimate to their new free-ranging lifestyle and to the other flock members. At some point I am going to have to move them into the main coop at night, but right now I'm content to just let my two flocks mingle in daylight hours.

One disturbing/sad thing happened today. My parents had the money stolen from their veggie stand honor box. And the thief also took a single red pepper out of a basket, just for _____ (giggles, spite, what?). My parents had been keeping it stocked with about $15 in small bills for change, and some louse walked with their petty cash today. Obviously, it's not a much money, but it doesn't do much to bolster my faith in people. Who would stop in someone's driveway, take a red pepper, and then steal their cash? It's an HONOR system!!! As the saying goes, there is no honor amongst thieves.

I never leave any extra cash in my egg box, because I don't want to deal with that issue. Incorrect change just means that they have to come back later to buy eggs. That said, three times now I have gotten a $5 bill for my $3 eggs. I had been thinking how good people really are, and then my poor parents get ripped off? Sad.

So, today I went to see my local legal team to sign some paperwork, and that took quite a while, but hopefully I'll have a little bit of a legal lull for a few days because I could really use one.

Tomorrow I am going to have a root canal! YEAH! and I'm only being slightly sarcastic. This is a tooth with a very old root canal that abscessed about 6 weeks ago. It's bee quiescent lately since I've been on so many antibiotics, but I know that they are just a band-aid for the real problem. I can feel it threatening to blow up again almost every day, so I'll be glad to get it over with.

Sorry to be a Debbie Downer lately. I'm just tired of everything lately, and am glad that I can vent a bit here. Thanks for putting up with me. Even if no one has the patience to read all of this, it helps me to type it out somewhere. I can't help but think that everyone around me must just be wondering when I'm going to just get over it all already. I don't want to court compassion fatigue, so I try to keep all of this blah-ness under wraps around other people as best I can.

Hope that it's been a good sort of day for everyone here, particularly my DB pals. I'm sorry that I haven't been a lot of use lately. I'm trying, but I'm just kind of keeping my nose above water again lately. No real lows, but no real highs, either. Maybe another reason to try to decrease the Prozac dosage?

It's way, way past time for bed around here, given that it's 4:30 now. Good night.

SH, I missed your post before I submitted mine. Thank you for continuing to check in on me. I've been OK, and I love being called a busy little bee. I can't wait to start keeping bees next year. : )

Busy bee sounds better than bogged down bee...

I am sorry to be so incredibly behind on what's happening in your world. I'm not doing very well at keeping up with my own. Today I was so exhausted that I crashed in L-friend's office while he was working, planning to go biking with him after he finished up. He came in to let me know he was finished, and he couldn't even wake me up. And i'm a light sleeper! Now he didn't shake me or anything, because he knew I needed the rest, but he did go out of his way to make noise with the doors, and to call my name.

So... he biked alone, and I missed a chance to get in some healing exercise. That would have been OK if I'd been able to keep sleeping. Instead, there was a local power failure, and when all the fans in the building shut down, THAT woke me up. I ended up sitting in my car, rather than sit in an empty, powerless office building by myself with only the light of an emergency exit sign. It was strange and vaguely creepy.

I went out for a neighborhood driving tour to check out how widespread the outage was, and it was only a single stoplight and the strip mall complex that had any issue. There were power company repair trucks driving all over, round and round, shining spotlights along every wire, looking for the cause of the outage. It took two large box stores offline, so you can bet that their management was on the power company's case about lost sales. I think the power went out around 6:30, and it was still off after midnight. By that time, the work crews were opening up every outdoor transformer in the whole area, looking for the source of the problem.

Anyway, now I really need to get off to bed. It's nearly 5 am. Sigh. Why, oh why do I do this...

Phoebe, it sounds like you need to take some time out for yourself. I wonder if your activity level is a little frantic?

Here's what I would do - get a massage or reflexology treatment late in the afternoon. Go home and take an Epsom salt bath and curl up with a book and a cup of warm milk. Listen to soothing meditation music. Then read yourself to sleep with white noise (fan?) running so you won't get woken up by noises. Keep your bedroom cool for better sleep.

If you try it, let me know if it works!

Just me again. I had a really good day today. Maybe because I knew I didn't need to do anything with the D Paperwork today. It was like a much-needed vacation day.

I got a few hours of sleep, then just decided to lay there in my comfy warm bed for a while and just take some time to relax. I caught up on the news, texted with friends, checked email, and generally was a lazy critter. It was lovely.

This afternoon I had a repeat root canal on a tooth that abscessed a few weeks ago. I find the whole root canal process strangely soothing - leisurely chatting with a great dentist that I've known a long time, a friendly dental assistant, the familiarity of being in a dental chair, watching a skilled practitioner perform a complicated procedure with ease. It's cool. I know that sounds weird, but I have literally had hundreds of dental appointments in my life, and being there again just felt normal. It's one of the few things that haven't changed since WH disappeared.

I came out of the office in an oddly good mood. Afterward, I went slong in the boat while a couple friends were waterskiing (one was l-friend), and then I came home to care for my flocks and kitties.

I've somehow managed to book the rest of my week already. When I saw my therapist yesterday, my only definite plan for the whole week was my dental visit!!!

Tomorrow I have to get some medical results in the late afternoon, then im headed to an Audubon meeting in the evening. Thursday I am spending the day helping a friend get ready for a big garage sale during the day, and then it's my usual Thursday girls' night out with my Mom (Weight Watchers, etc.). Friday I am spending the afternoon with H-friend, picking raspberries and/or hiking, and then I am going to a ski show with L-friend in the evening.

I haven't skied in years and I think that this might be a good time for me to rediscover something I used to enjoy. L-friend used to be a ski instructor, and still races downhill, so it's as good a year as any to try skiing again.

I'm missing my ice skating, but haven't been able to get back to the rink in weeks. I'm aiming to get back on the ice next week.

So, the GALing continues. I'm spending time with a number of people, and I've been trying to find a bit more balance in the last couple weeks, with more time on my farm.

I think that it's just about time to contact a clinician I met about 10 days ago in regards to doing some per diem work at a local clinic. It might be a good way to dip back into my profession without any long-term commitment. I'm still thinking about it. My hands have been shakier again of late, which is a bit disappointing, but they're still much better than they were for the first 6 months after H ran away, so i think that doing surgery might be an option again.

Good night to everyone. I hope it's been a healing day.

Painter, I was typing away while you posted. Thank you for checking in on me! Yes, things are certainly busy in my world, but time away from the D process felt like a pure vacation today. And today truly was pretty calm. I'm going to try to hit the hay earlier tonight.

Given that every night I've been up stupidly late recently was because j was working on D stuff, I'm hoping that I can get back to a better sleep pattern now that I've got a break on that front for a couple days. I sleep with a fan on me every night, as well as with an air-conditioner running, so I've got that much going for me.

The bigger problem is getting myself into bed to actually sleep! Lately, I just haven't been doing so in an extreme fashion! My Dad chided me for staying up all night and sleeping in the daytime. Would that it were so simple. I would much rather be awake all day and sleep like a normal person, but I'm just not tired some days, and lying there tossing and turning in the dark is worse than staying up.

Tonight I tried to watch Hail, Ceasar!, but I ended up pretty much ignoring it altogether and just hanging around here in DB land, instead. It wasn't much of s a movie, unfortunately.

Good night, again.

Phoebe my dear, sleep is about habit like most things in our lives.
You have mentioned so many times that you are a night owl etc, but here is a thought.
You say that so often it has become your reality.
My study of sleep
Reduced much of the same as many other things we pass of as simply, "that's just who I am"
We are who we decide to be whether through habit or internal self talk.
As for sleep, unless you have a sleeping disorder then it is about your habits.
One would read your current habits and say they are not really healthy.
I would think you would even agree as you mentioned the challenges of it frequently.
Check it out, you may be surprised how much more control you can have with some proper efforts and appropriate forming of good sleep habits.

It takes some time and training, but you can do it.

It is good to hear you had a day of reprieve from the dam paperwork.

I'm still gonna bug you about the craziness of your schedule. That candle is only gonna let you burn at both ends for so long.
You really have taken GAl to a level I have not seen in here. Good for sure, just pace it out for yourself my lovely lady.

Cold medicine kicking in and sleep is pulling at my eyelids, so I will bid you good night and hope to chat soon when you slow down enough to have a deeper convo.

Sleep well my sweet Phoebe.

(((((Phoebe)))))

Where you at Lady!!!

Now your gonna have to get this GAL schedule in order in a way that includes your DB pal and Bestie for at least a check in every day now.

C'mon now, I am starting to feel left out.

I hope you are doing well my sweet darling friend!!

(((((Phoebe)))))

I'm sorry, SH. I promise a fuller update tomorrow, but right now I have to go to sleep because I'm fully engaged in my crummy sleep habits again. You are absolutely right. I just need to move my body into bed at a reasonable hour and turn out the darn light!

If it means anything at all, yesterday I went to bed around midnight, which is record early for me (thank you melatonin and Benadryl), was awake again at 3:40 and super astoundingly restless (read: physically unable to hold still), took Xanax and ibuprofen to try to combat the restless appendages,, fell back asleep by 5:30, then slept until 1 pm. Holy macaroni. What a mess. I had no idea I could even sleep that late. My days and nights are truly getting inverted.

Tonight, after all that sleep, I didn't take anything and here I am again, awake at 4:20 am. Sigh. I didn't even bother going to bed yet.

Bottom line these days: I don't have a poor sleep schedule. I have NO schedule, whatsoever.

Today's GAL: I spent 6-7 hours with a local friend who is getting ready for a garage sale. It was nice spending time with her. Then I met l-friend for dinner, and came home afterward. I've been puttering around for a few hours... cleaning here, putting things away there, reading this, writing that... a pleasant evening/early morning (I know, I know, I should have been sleeping) at home by myself.

Quick farm update: the flock introduction continues. For the last few days I've had both flocks out free-ranging, and they have been mingling freely. Tonight, I put the babies into the big girl coop after dark. They'll all roost together overnight, and then at first light, the automatic door will open, and everyone can pop out to free-range and go about their day, hopefully without too much squabbling since they aren't actually confined. Fingers crossed.

I have to have them fully socialized and the little ones coop-trained to the big coop before winter. Bird love. : )

I'll try to be better with my sleep hygeine tomorrow. I was doing pretty well in the sleep department until the last 3 weeks or so since I was served. That was when the legal pressure increased dramatically and I've had some setbacks. The shaking is worse again, too. Not as severe as it was initially, but it's noticeable to strangers again. A customer at the bee-keepers' booth a couple weeks ago commented on it. Yeah.

Good night, everyone.

Well, for someone claiming to only have time for a short update, I sure do write a lot. I had plenty of time last night because I didn't sleep even one minute. I went to bed around 5:15, lay there for about 45 minutes, and then I just said "forget it," and got back out of bed. If I wasn't tired by that hour, it just wasn't going to happen.

So... I've got another possible opportunity to reset my body clock. It's going to be another melatonin night...

I journaled all over poor SH's thread in my sleep-deficient state, and, since it was about a pretty major breakdown, I'm going to put it here, too, to keep it here so I can monitor my trajectory over time.

Originally Posted By: Phoebe

SH, it seems that you and I have a somewhat similar feeling about treading near the edge of the dark shadowlands. Most of the time, I'm doing quite well these days, but yesterday I got triggered really badly, and literally went down to the ground sobbing and hyperventilating in the land of shadows, which happened to be in my diningroom. I had this flashback feeling that I was right back in the same time and space as the first time WH ran away from an argument that came seemingly out of the blue. I closed my eyes and I could see him in the doorway, saying that he was scared. I didn't understand. He was scared to sever his ties to me, but he didn't say that. I just recognize it in hindsight.

This was about 18 months before he ran away for good. In hindsight, I now know that he was already fully engaged in his wayward/pre-wayward behavior by then (clubbing and telling new "friends" that he was divorced), but the emotional pain I experienced last night was worse than when that particular argument actually occurred, because now I know what was really going on.

At the time, I was mostly in a state of shock because I didn't understand WTF had happened and how it had escalated so rapidly. I was completely taken aback and simply reacting. When he walked out the door and drove back to the house in the other state, I got in the car and followed him. In hindsight, I should have just let him go. It was foreshadowing, but at the time it just seemed like I made an obvious gesture that he was important to me, we talked, and eventually got things back on track.

Apparently not. To my everlasting regret, we didn't go get help right away. Maybe it would have changed something. Or maybe it wouldn't have. I'll never know.

So, it was a pretty crummy way to spend an evening, but just goes to show that there are still rogue waves out in the ocean, just waiting to randomly crash over me. That one certainly hit without much warning and knocked me for a loop.

Tonight I am going to a ski swap/show to look at used ski equipment and see what the semi-local ski resorts are offering for tickets, lessons, etc. If nothing else, it will be interesting to see all of the gear.

My legal case(s) are starting to ramp up again. I have two scheduled court appearances next month, so now I need to start preparing for my out of state L. I got a break for a few days, but the massive money and soul-svcking vacuum called Divorce won't be satisfied until we're both well-drained on all counts. It's all still just impossible to wrap my head around. I just keep floating along with the current, doing my best to keep my feet up and away from any danger of entrapment by an unseen patch of Rapids.

Well, I'm falling asleep, so maybe a micro nap is in order.

You better be asleep right now young lady.

Its way past your bed time.

I do pray for pleasant dreams of you my dear.

(((((Phoebe)))))

I did get a good night's sleep last night, SH!! I will say, however, that I took Benadry first, as a precaution.

I wasn't willing to go TWO nights without sleep. I can handle one, once in a while, but I can't do two in a row. I would be incapacitated.

Definitely just a short note here for now. I have to get going very soon, because H-friend was nice enough to invite me to dinner tonight! She had to cancel our plans yesterday, so she invited me today, instead. She is very easy to get along with.

The ski show yesterday was interesting. I tried on some ski boots, but I have no real idea what I'm even looking for. L-freind really wants to get me back out on the slopes, and I'm definitely willing, I just can't help thinking that it would be smarter to simply rent equipment until I decide how much I like the sport. It's an expensive thing to dabble in.

Hopefully more later. Thanks for checking in on me SH.

Hi Phoebe,

I'm glad you got a good night's sleep! It's funny, I had thought about suggesting staying up an entire night to reset your sleep cycle.

I hope you had a lovely dinner with your friend and were able to sleep again last night.

I would take something if I were you. I take sleep meds - very light ones - every night because it's vital for my ability to function and recover. I'm careful with meds and won't take most of what's out there, but something mild, temporary for pain or sleep is not a problem, I think.

I understand this is also an extra difficult time with going through the D process. Hopefully you will do a lot better once that's come further along.

How are things on the farm? Have you walked the fields lately? Any wildlife observations?

You seem happier when you connect with your property.

(((((Phoebe)))))

Good evening!

We seem to have lost a dear friend of mine.

Phoebe is her name.
Taking care of chickens and ice skating are her game.

She is a beautiful soul
With a hectic schedule.

Would you point her to me
If my dear Sweet Phoebe you see.

Sweet dreams lovely lady and dear friend of mine.
May the sandman drop by and grant you a serene sleep this night.

(((((Phoebe)))))

Where oh where can my little friend be...

Where oh where can she be...

With her chickens running back and forth...

With her GAL going long...

Where oh where can she be....

I think she went out....

With some friends tonight....

To have fun and experience glee...

And on her mouth....

Was a smile so bright....

I just wonder where she could be....

Sleep tight my dear friend and don't let the bed bugs bite.
May you experience peace and rest this fine eve.

(((((Phoebe)))))

You haven't lost me by a long stretch, SH. I'm just keeping busy, as seemingly always, these days.

Today I had my usual appointment with my therapist, and while I had a hard time talking about how I was doing last week, this week I went in in a good mood, and was able to have a really good talk with him. We started out talking about my little melt down-trigger event last week, and it just went from there. Again, I am reminded how kind and available he has been to me since I first started seeing him as a patient. Every single time I leave his office, he reminds me to call him if I need him. The thing is - he really means it. I've talked to him during three non-appointment crises, including one on a Saturday, and I felt badly, doing so, and yet he continues to stress his availability. On his cell phone. He's also made urgent appointments by text within a few hours.

After that I went out with l-friend while he went water-skiing. It was a beautiful evening on a beautiful lake, and I got to meet two more lovely friends of his. He knows a lot of very nice people, and they are all very welcoming. His friend has a single rowing scull, and I used to row crew, so that was pretty cool.

Anyway, more another day.

My sweet Phoebe, is the busy schedule providing you with peace and joy?

Sounds like a really good day, Phoebe. A productive counseling session and fun time on the water are both such self-caring activities.

I bet you are all pushing to get as much as you can out of the last days of summer, I know we are here.

I hope you have a good night's sleep!

Hi there, Miss Painter! Thank you for checking in on me!

SH, I know that you are worried about me, but i do believe that my busy schedule is not only not harmful, but I think that it is good for me. Does it bring me peace and joy? Sometimes, sometimes not so much, but do I feel like i"m getting better over time and feeling more like myself again, able to laugh and enjoy my days again? Very much so.

I'm enjoying meeting new people, I have quality time with my family and friends, I've spent many gorgeous evenings out on boats or riding my bike, and I have been thoroughly enjoying the antics of my chickens and cats and some other critters.

I've had dinner and hiked with H-friend, talked birds and plants, musicians and writers, and even social issues. I've been able to share the joy of raising monarch caterpillars into stunning butterflies with her and her family, too.

I have two neighbors that drop by every so often for a few hours to catch up and share a beverage and enjoy the goofy antics of my birds. One of them stopped by today and I just so enjoy these drop-in visits. They're fun people that care about me and I them.

I spend plenty of time with my parents, including most of the day today which was spent with my father salvaging the metal roofing off of an old garage that we're going to demolish. A day spent working outside helping my family can't possibly be a bad one. After that, I had a couple hours today with my Mom, and we saw a movie together over the weekend, too.

I've gone to the fair and concerts, ice-skating and ethnic festivals with R-friend, talked tomatoes and heirloom apple grafting, relationships and travel. She may not be the easiest friend I have, but she is interesting and I appreciate her perspective.

I go to see my many doctors - every week to my therapist, and to my GP every few weeks to check in. They're wonderful. I have other docs that I see, too, including two dentists. Seeing them all is for my own benefit, even if a root canal isn't exactly joyful.

And then there is l-friend. Yes, I spend a lot of time with him, too. We bike and go to the symphony, he waterskis and I ride along in the boat, I've met his skiing friends and they are a great group. He and I eat dinner together multiple nights per week and I now cook in my own home again fairly often (whereas I didn't really cook anything beyond scrambled eggs for months after WH walked-away, if I even ate at all). We also go to fairs and festivals. Last night we were outside in the dark, having an absurd amount of fun playing with LED helicopter toys I bought at the fair a couple weeks ago. It felt so good to just be able to laugh, without any thoughts of the recent months' unpleasantries.

I still have time to care for my animals every day, and I still get time to work on my farm, though I do wish I had more hours in the day. (Who doesn't?)

So... am I busy? Absolutely. Too busy? I don't know, but is it harmful to be this busy? I don't think so.

I"ve made so much progress. I sleep in my own bed every night again, rather than sleeping in my parent's guest cabin, as I did for the first 7 or 8 months. I'm eating regularly without forcing myself anymore, and I've gained back a bunch of the weight I lost (and that is largely due to having other people to eat with). I've met lots of people and expanded my support network. I'm Ok to spend a whole day completely alone, but just as happy spending it with other people. I only find myself taking Xanax once every few weeks. I generally don't need any meds to sleep, and I no longer find myself thinking about WH all the time. I have much better things to think about.

I still carve out alone time to get some journaling done here, though I am not having as much luck keeping up with my friends here in DB land. Sleep remains a bit hit or miss since the legal escalation a few weeks ago, but I did get a full 8 hours last night and at a normal time, too - from 1 am to 9 am.

Nothing is perfect, but I'm as busy as I want to be, and I always have the option of just saying no if I want to spend some time alone. That's what I did this evening, and it's nice to just chill for a while.

My dear Phoebe!

So good to hear from you tonight.

You are GALing like a champ!!!

And as long as you are finding peace and joy in it, then you must continue on.

I apologize if I have come off as insinuating that your busy schedule would be harmful or bad for you.....
Not my intention.

I think I ask because of things I am experiencing, material that I am studying that has resonated with me and small clues in your journaling that do raise a flag, but when I ask, and you reply, then I know you are slowing down and taking stock.

I guess I never really shared my thoughts and insight, so I will share, and then you can know my question is my way of sharing my care, but trusting you and your decisions and choices whole heartedly.

When I first started to learn of meditation, the story that was shared in the book was that of a young woman sitting in her office of her successful career and she was having a nervous breakdown and trapped in rumination.
This young woman experienced the D of her parents when she was 18 years old. It was traumatic to say the least.
Her coping was to throw herself into her college courses and activities to remain busy and push through the emotions and trauma she was experiencing.
Just like we are taught by MWD.
Good right!?
She continues this busy pattern for years to create a very successful career, get married to a fine young man, have 2 beautiful daughters and basically live the dream life.....
Fast forward back to her sitting in her office breaking down at age 36....and she could not put her finger on why she felt she had to leave her H, get away from her career and live the life that she thought she had lost....because she took the path that she took to feel better and survive the trauma of her parents D when she was 18. She never really slowed down to face the pain, heal from it appropriately and let it pass....

Now, the point was that meditation is a healthy manner to deal with the emotions and feelings that lead to this, and this has stuck with me as I watch my own D18 attempt to become busy to feel better about our family sitch.

She called me last night as she was several hours later than she had told me at a social event and she was in tears.....
She has filled her schedule so full, she is never home except to sleep for a few hours....
She said all of her busy socializing and working etc were not meeting her needs and she was constantly feeling bad about things.....
She has been breaking down more frequently of late after hat appears to be her doing wetland getting out and meeting new people and socializing....
I am working to learn and support her in this...
But something is off.

I have also read much on the nature of introverts....for me...my D18..others that I know....
You have expressed that you are introverted....
We have a lower threshold for so much social activity...
It's not that we don't enjoy it..
Many of us even crave it immensely....
But the truth and research and studies show that it takes much out of us, and more time to recharge from it....
Not a bad, thing, simply a thing.
Sleep, shaking, etc. Introverts can experience some of those due to our recharging needs.

So as it is late, and I have a goal to minimize my rambling....

I ask you out of concern...concern based in nothing more than my own experiences, past and present...
My reading and efforts to comprehend how I am going to not only come out on the other end of this, but how I come out a champion, conquerer and overall man I am proud of....

You know what is best...
Your response tonight is full of spunk and fire....
You are wise and evaluate your sitch often....
This is a strong and powerful Phoebe rising up out of the dust....

I pray that you are inspired and guided so that you can do what is right, learn from what you need and most importantly, you live life, love fully and experience much joy.

My dear Phoebe, you are doing well in a challenging leg of your journey.
I am glad that I can be a part of that as I have been.
You have bene there for me, and I will be there for you.....
Even if I bug you as much as I do my daughters with my challenge questions.....

Sleep well tonight my lovely.

(((((Phoebe))))

No one to apologize, SH. ever. I very much appreciate your concern. I just wanted you to know that while I am busy, I am also doing so much better than I was. The legal morass has been a trial, but the other busyness I engage in has been a good counterpoint to all of those headaches.

Thank you for checkin in on me and for explaining your concern. I am just as concerned about you, and am starting to worry about you again, to be honest. I wish I could hear a bit more happiness and joy in your posts again. Life isn't all roses for us, plainly, but i think that it's important to seek out joy every day - like playing with silly LED helicopter toys in the dark!!! We all need the medicine of pure, simple laughter, and as often as we can find it.

Goodnight, my friend!

(((((SH)))))

Hello sweet lady!

Hope you had an awesome day today!!

(((((Phoebe)))))

Today was a lot of fun, and yet it was a bit of a difficult day, too.

My sleep remains a struggle, and, even though I have been genuinely trying to get to bed at a reasonable hour (lights were out here by 11:30 last night!!!), I am having continued issues. I was restless and awake so many times last night. I was in bed for 7 1/2 hours, but I doubt I slept more than 5 hours, total.

I had my alarm set for 7:45 this morning because I had plans, but I woke up well before dawn and just ended up lying there until the alarm went off. I don't understand it, but I'm continuing to work on this issue. It seems almost like every other day I am struggling to sleep. I should probably start taking some notes and see if any patterns emerge.

Yesterday was doctor's appointment central in my world. I had a recheck for Lyme disease issues with one doc (doing much better, by the way), and then I saw my GP, and that took forever!!! First I saw the nurse, then in came a student, which is fine, but they take a long time because they are very thorough, and then i saw my doctor. I convinced her to let me taper down my AD meds by 25%, but she was reluctant, and then we decided that I should get a few vaccines. Make that 3 vaccines. My arms are kind of tender today!

Afterward, I went for a bike ride with L-friend and a friend of his that i've met a few times, then the two of us came back to my place for a nice dinner. I was exhausted, so he did the cooking which was really nice.

Today I went on a MeetUp hike for the first time in a couple months. H-friend was along for this one, too, so we carpooled. That gave us an hour each way to talk and get to know each other's stories a bit better. I am really glad I met her. We have a lot of common interests and she is easy to talk to. Once we arrived, we had a lovely hike with a good group of people. She already knew almost everyone there, but I had only met a couple of them previously, so it was a nice chance for me to meet a few more people.

H-friend and I are already talking about winter outdoor activities. We both ice skate and snowshoe. She does cross-county skiing, and says she will teach me how to turn on them (thus far a turn on a hill in x-country skis has always equaled a fall in my world!!!)

L-friend is going to help me with downhill skiing, so it's looking like I will have lots of reasons to be outdoors this winter. It's exciting to be making plans for winter already, rather than to be bemoaning the coming cold and snow.

I actually like winter.

So, the first part of the day was great, and then I talked to a friend of mine on the phone and found out that her marriage has gone off the rails, too, and it just made me feel sad to see, once again, how much pain there is in the world, and to see yet another long-term marriage falling apart. She's in her late 50s, and her H is sounding like he's in a crisis of some sort. I used to think that the whole proverbial MLC was a silly phase that only a few people go through, one characterized by red convertibles, etc.. Nowadays, I know the ugly truth... that a MLC has the power to cause incredible pain and destruction. It's no joke.

I was going to go on my regular Thursday girls' night out with my Mom, but I just felt kind of like the wind was knocked out of my sails after that, so I just came home and spent the evening by myself. Knowing how common marriage destruction is doesn't make me feel better in any way. Quite the opposite, really.

So, it's time for a farm update:

Today I released my second monarch butterfly safe and sound into the great big world. The whole process is so incredible and amazing. My third chrysalis is staring to turn clear, so I should be releasing my third (out of five caterpillars that started this adventure) butterfly tomorrow.

My flock integration project is still a work in progress. Three of the 9 young chickens have sort-of found their way to their correct coop these days. One was in the adult coop, and up on a roost bar for the second night in a row. So, one bird is fully trained now. Yeah!! Two youngsters made it into the coop, but on the human side, sitting on a galvanized feed can, but they were at least in the ballpark.

Six birdies, however, were still way off target, and I had to do a lot of herding, cajoling, hauling down off a ladder, issuing of person chicken invitations, etc. to get them over to where they were supposed to be for the night. Still, I managed to get all but one to enter their coop via the proper chicken ramp and door BEFORE the light-sensing door activated, so it was a semi success. I'd say their training is coming along, if a bit slower than I had hoped.

Beyond that, I still need to finish cutting the second half of my smallest field very soon. Maybe that should be tomorrow's project...

I hope that everyone gets some good sleep and makes some progress tomorrow!

I've said it before, I'll say it again- I get exhausted reading about you and your gal activities. But I'm glad to see that it serves you well. The winter activities sound great, I'm not a big fan in winter, the cold and dark nights get to me a bit. But I must admit, I love to go sledging (I'm a big kid like that). But there's no guarantee in the crazy country that we would get any snow.

Meeting all these new friends is great, I can see it's having a great influence on you to cast the net and enjoy hobbies with them.

I must admit, I too thought a midlife crisis was a case of dying their hair, getting a piercing, buying a motorcycle or a convertible. I see now that it is way more complicated and hurtful.

Keep up with the positive attitude. You've travelled miles since you arrived here and it is truly admirable and inspirational.

How is your weekend going my dear sweet Phoebe?

(((((Phoebe)))))

Well... it's been a bit rough, quite frankly. I lost my kitty yesterday, and I am crushed. He was my dearest little farm friend, and yesterday I had to bury him. Worse, he died in a farm accident and I was driving the damn tractor. I feel horrible and guilty, and I miss him so much. I planted a little shagbark hickory tree on his grave, and someday I hope that it becomes a mighty tree as beautiful as my little man was.

Just kind of lying low for a while. The weekend was fine until that, but now...

I had a bunch of plans with h-friend today, but I cancelled them. I just wasn't up to it. L-friend has stayed close to make sure that I'm OK. I saw my therapist and then just came home again.

Sad and feeling awful.

Oh, Phoebe, I'm so very, very sorry!

I have had cats since I was very young, and accidentally caused the deaths of some of my chickens once.

I so feel for you and I know how you're beating yourself up right now. I'm so very sorry for your loss.

(((((((Phoebe))))))

A local friend just lost her cat as well on Sunday - it experienced liver failure after she dripped it with Hartz flea & tick remedy sold in the store. We do the best we can for our pets but sometimes tragic accidents happen.

(((((Phoebe)))))

The link to my new journal/thread.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2706889&#Post2706889