Hi Miss V. I haven't kept up with your thread in the last couple weeks, but I just wanted to say hello and welcome to your new digs.
I wish you peace and send you smiles.
Time for an update
I have a change of thread name about every ten threads, it was originally my intention to move to surviving the big D, my thread here doesn't get much traffic. For a number of reasons not least because my D process isn't finished, there will be another 10 threads.
So a brief update
I made a late marriage with a difficult man who had a great deal of compulsions.
This included spending what would be 10 years of my earnings in 6 months, gambling, smoking, drinking and womanising.
I estimate at least 5 OW to date.
I originally dropped the bomb about 6 months into the M, deciding to walk then DB. XWH went off the rails in a big way, ranting, spewing and intimidating.
I am a WAW who DB her R.
It has been a hard and tough journey and I acknowledge there were times when I turned into a screaming banshee.
My financial position is very poor and I live from hand to mouth and am better than I have been for several years.
It is very stressful at 62 to deal with a man who sees me as an easy target.
The D part of the D is finalised although I await the paperwork to reassure myself of this.
The Financial part of the D has not yet begun.
As far as I am aware he is living with a married Italian diplomat in Italy (Maggotroni).
I have been NC with xWH for 12 months after he left the MH on 2 May 2015. Although he kept turning up at random times to collect things. I only allow him to contact me through my L.
I am very afraid of xWH and he has said he intends me harm.
If I knew with hindsight, which is a wonderful thing, them there are many things I could have done differently. My journey would be different and this learning experience would not be mine.
I decided to be very open about my journey as I still suffer episodes of complex PTSD which are likely to be with me for life. If you want to read a long struggle with detachment and a wandering journey then you will find that in my threads.
There is a long way to go and I am not ready to move to surviving the big D, so I stay in Newcombers.
I would particularly like to thank those members of my tribe who are still here in Newcombers
Greengrass whose voice and sassy have assisted me on my journey so much. I thank you my red kick ass healed DB friend.
RD whose patience and family life give me hope and inspiration.
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To those who have moved to other parts of the board, particularly, Sotto, SunnyB, Dawn, Maybell, Mahhty and Mozza. Together with the forthright Zues.
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To those who have been part of my journey, Edz, Jim, Pigpen, WhyUs, Zephyr, Uturn, Joe, MCS, Mutatio, Fo, Jellyb, Pink and so many many more.
For those who have suffered with abuse, Zelda, Ancaire, Schermann and the wonderful Mustardseed.
I offer gratitude and my enduring thanks.
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With my current tribe here some of who are ahead of me on the road and others who need a gentle hand, some here and some IRL, I value you more than I can say. I will keep posting to you.
There are others still struggling like V, that's you Ghost! Thank you for keeping on keeping on.
My deepest respect for the vets, Wonka, Sandi, MrBond, and Cadet.
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There is always a home on this thread for my fellow DB travellers.
V
Now for today.
I have pneumonia and am back on antibs. So I am sleeping a great deal which can't be bad.
I had a PTSD episode about it as I heard WH (his voice from behind me) and imagined him in front of me ranting. Saying the things he said regularly
I don't do ill (marriage vows?)
That's stupid you are just lazy
Well that's the earnings gone
You are a hypochondriac
What about me then?
Get it over with, next time
I would be better off if you were dead
Sell all the house and go retire
I want you to pay me what you owe me
You are taking the piss and give me no money
Call yourself a business woman
On and on
I face him and tell him to STFU and I walk away, just as I did in real life.
I have no nice thoughts of xWH, I have no ill will, I hope he finds peace and love in himself. I want that for him elsewhere. Italy is fine.
I once had a dream that xWH was a maggot feeding on a dead flap of skin on my stomach. It fascinated me, as I watched him living on detritus. Living off my energy and life until now he has only dead flesh to feed on, whilst my wound heals.
I am unsure what this means. I am in a pensive mood.
I am aware that I have posts from my last thread to answer..
I need to rest for a while.
Hugs to all
V
Hi Miss V. I haven't kept up with your thread in the last couple weeks, but I just wanted to say hello and welcome to your new digs.
I wish you peace and send you smiles.
Thank you Phoebe
V
I'm so thankful you're not in that spot anymore. I'm sorry that you still have to live with the aftermath.
Dreams are odd. For some reason I'll share a dream my best friend had last night. He dreamed that he was driving down the road when there was a terrorist attack. In no time flat it turned to a post-apocalyptic world. He stopped at a gas station and this lady was trying to get to her car, but this sinister guy was lurking in the shadows like he was going to attack her. He escorted the lady to her car, but after she left the guy followed him into the gas station and started moving in like he was going to attack. My buddy grabbed two glass bottles of coca-cola and broke the ends off, using them as weapons as he prepared to defend himself. His first thought was "gotta go for the neck and try to open up an artery", then he thought "boy, the terrorist attacks were only a few minutes ago, the situation sure escalated quickly!" It was kind of humorous to him how it went from a normal evening to battling strangers with broken coke bottles in the gas station in no time flat.
I don't know why I'm sharing other than I thought it was funny, and I'm proud to have a friend bad-a$$ enough to handle even a dream villain that way.
As for you, if it's anything like it is for me I hope things start moving with your D very quickly. You say you are just starting on the financial piece, but with XH it sounds like a lot was frittered away. Is there much left to fight over? What type of timelines are you saddled with?
You've been on your own for a while now. Are you turning thoughts towards dating again, or are you kind of hunkered down and just trying to recover for a bit like I am?
Who is in your support group? What do you do for fun on the weekends, and who do you spend your time with these days?
I'm sure we've talked about this, but I can't remember so give me a little insight. Glad you're not off to surviving just yet. Your posts are awesome and the newcomers are lucky to have you around.
Now for today.
I have pneumonia and am back on antibs. So I am sleeping a great deal which can't be bad.
I had a PTSD episode about it as I heard WH (his voice from behind me) and imagined him in front of me ranting. Saying the things he said regularly
I don't do ill (marriage vows?)
That's stupid you are just lazy
Well that's the earnings gone
You are a hypochondriac
What about me then?
Get it over with, next time
I would be better off if you were dead
Sell all the house and go retire
I want you to pay me what you owe me
You are taking the piss and give me no money
Call yourself a business woman
On and on
I face him and tell him to STFU and I walk away, just as I did in real life.
I have no nice thoughts of xWH, I have no ill will, I hope he finds peace and love in himself. I want that for him elsewhere. Italy is fine.
I once had a dream that xWH was a maggot feeding on a dead flap of skin on my stomach. It fascinated me, as I watched him living on detritus. Living off my energy and life until now he has only dead flesh to feed on, whilst my wound heals.
I am unsure what this means. I am in a pensive mood.
I am aware that I have posts from my last thread to answer..
I need to rest for a while.
Hugs to all
V
Nilla and that could have been written exactly word for word all xh2 direct quotes.
Nowadays if I make a nice meal, I remind my self but I cannot cook! Xh2 fave line every single day.
I laugh heartily and enjoy the meal with bf who agrees nope I cannot cook as good a celeb to chief. But for now he can suffer my cooking when his wife who passed only basically ate mashe potato and loved the freeze dried stuff.
My psd attack was some thing which it doesn't matter the cause, but it showed me to very important things.
1. Xh2 as I thought had and has not let go of the r.
Quote another poster mlc men seem to see their xw as dirty rubbish (he did say that) but it's his dirty rubbish he can do what ever the hell he likes. Including boundary violations and still excerise covert threats,and stalking.
2. I have extensive programming from those large years that can be triggers even if only for a 5min period in which I shake want to vomit and let a couple of sneaky tear drops out. I tell myself that makes me a caring person.
The one part I can do,little about until I can have pyscial evidence of the stalking, on one hand I cannot be bothered to even expend the Energy to do so. Other other hand wants to grab him and humitate him with exactly the same things he did to me.
The two part well I can re direct as you do nilla and laugh... That he has to go to such great lengths while living his blissful life with his wonderful fantasy ow in perfection. The fact he thinks I haven't let go, which as some of you know I shut the door a long time ago.
While there is tidy up baggage, the door is nailed shut, my hope ran out my wounds bled out and simply I had not much of the m left.
Now days I cannot with bf on the scene remeber what it was like to have xh2 around in good times. When you look back there was very few, those major times when I asked for my needs to be number one they fell by the way side with xh2 always wanting to be some where else or on some other project. I was last in so many ways. I just blanked a lot out the mind is weak.
I have had to send of more stuff to l, and like you I'm not finished with the busisines side.
It showed how I was actually almost following db things I put things out there very clearly. Xh2 answers where as always about him and how unfair it would me to expect he would meet any need.
Reading them now has been very In lightening. They say feeling change but on most things I haven't really changed any feelings I still feel the same. I still see the negative and un solution oriented ways and statements of xh2. I even told him so via email way back.
It's seems that adage here about we are far smarter than we know is very true, we just need to listen.
Dropping by to give hugs and say that I hope you feel better soon. Sounds like a rough stretch for you. But your posts are still full of the light that is in you and always points full of wisdom.
(((Vanilla)))
You are in my prayers that your health may return soon and that you will feel peace as you heal.
I'm so thankful you're not in that spot anymore. I'm sorry that you still have to live with the aftermath.
Thank you Zues
Dreams are odd. For some reason I'll share a dream my best friend had last night. He dreamed that he was driving down the road when there was a terrorist attack. In no time flat it turned to a post-apocalyptic world. He stopped at a gas station and this lady was trying to get to her car, but this sinister guy was lurking in the shadows like he was going to attack her. He escorted the lady to her car, but after she left the guy followed him into the gas station and started moving in like he was going to attack. My buddy grabbed two glass bottles of coca-cola and broke the ends off, using them as weapons as he prepared to defend himself. His first thought was "gotta go for the neck and try to open up an artery", then he thought "boy, the terrorist attacks were only a few minutes ago, the situation sure escalated quickly!" It was kind of humorous to him how it went from a normal evening to battling strangers with broken coke bottles in the gas station in no time flat.
I don't know why I'm sharing other than I thought it was funny, and I'm proud to have a friend bad-a$$ enough to handle even a dream villain that way.
Quite curious, I love the dream thing. Really great.
As for you, if it's anything like it is for me I hope things start moving with your D very quickly.
Thank you. I am in no rush for the Fins thing. I will manage it as well as I can.
You say you are just starting on the financial piece, but with XH it sounds like a lot was frittered away. Is there much left to fight over?
Zues I have assets. WH has nothing now but debts. He is destructive. We were together from May 2011 and M in Oct 2013. I walked in June 2014 when WH started his money or else stance. By Oct 2014, he could no longer pay his way.
What type of timelines are you saddled with?
Open ended but at least now he can't move back in. My safety comes first, the old Maslow hierarchy of needs.
You've been on your own for a while now.
Yes I have. Ring reality since new years day 2014 when I caught WH with OW1.
Are you turning thoughts towards dating again,
I have never dated Zues, all my Rs have started with friendship and gone from there. I really don't trust my judgement. It takes about 2 years before my feelings become clear. I am not in the in lurve type. I guess I don't do limmerance, I seem to skip that part.
or are you kind of hunkered down and just trying to recover for a bit like I am?
I am in shape, physically or mentally for an R. And since the kind of men I would like to be with are good caring and loving, then it is hard to be all over the place. Eventually it will be up to any new partner to know if they can get to know a woman who is healing. As I once said to Gg it only takes one to fit. At the moment there is one guy I have known 20 years (he's single) who is interested in me. He visits and has let it be known he would love to R if I am interested.
Who is in your support group?
Aged pa (first and foremost), glam sis, clever nephew, favourite cousin. I am very close to my family.
I have three besties, I have work Bestie and his W (both of whom I have known for 30 years) who have kept me going work wise, I have fun Bestie (and her H) who I share lots of stuff and until she was ill we went dancing, I have Orange Wed Bestie who is my emotional confident. I have exercise bud, new friend too. I also have power woman client with whom I do courses and talk business, who knows my fins and long term business client with whom I go to spas. Sadly I lost two very good male friends this year, one to a heart attack (he was my secretary for 20 years until he retired) and close friends H who stayed a friend when W went wayward on him, he died of food poisoning.
My other supports are my Gamanon group, including two mentors and my tribe here. It's not easy to convert mentors and anonymous posters to friends although I seem to be succeeding. I believe I have made some wonderful friends through DB, for which I am very thankful.
I have a very wide variety of friends, men women children and dogs. Yes dogs and cats too.........
From various ethnic backgrounds, ages and orientation. I believe in friendship that makes life rounded and full. I believe in hospitality.
When you first asked that question I thought do I really have support? Perhaps I don't appreciate enough!
What do you do for fun on the weekends, and who do you spend your time with these days?
The irony is I spend more time alone than I used to. I also spend more time with friends, shooting the breeze. I can shoot the breeze very well indeed. The big house is coming alive again. I am doing a part time abuse counselling course and will volunteer a couple of afternoons a week at an abuse centre. As I get free of debt I shall do more.
I'm sure we've talked about this, but I can't remember so give me a little insight.
You are a remarkable man Zues and very much changed in some ways since you arrived, I would imagine you could shoot the breeze very well indeed. It has been inspiring to watch your progress. Sometimes I fail to see your view and have to ask, I may not always agree although there is often an overlap. I love your determination and wished I had a little of the Zues drive.
But you know we are not so unlike in some things, we believe in M and fidelity. Similar core values in different fruit.
Glad you're not off to surviving just yet.
I thought very deeply about it. It's an important decision for me. It tells me I am ready to move on and I still have more growth. I confess I am a stiff upper lipper and live in my own beautiful world. XWH was a cold bath of reality.
Your posts are awesome and the newcomers are lucky to have you around.
Thank you Zues, you know I am an admirer of yours. Authentically Zues. Ever since you confessed that the misspelling of your name was accidental!
Big hugs
V
I just noticed being ill is good for sleep deficit. Not that I would recommend that tactic.
Just saying.
V
Hi V, I'm just dropping in to say Hi and that it sounds as though you are making good progress. Nice to hear of your male friend, and that this could grow into something else in time if that's what you want. I agree that this (for me) feels like the way to go rather than 'dating' and I too have have guys that I know socially where things could develop if they or I wanted to do that.
Good for you with the volunteering - I think that's a great path to go down and means that something good can come from these difficult experiences. I've been asked to facilitate at future divorce workshops and I'm interested in doing that too.
Hope you have a good week V! Xx
Vanilla,
I hope you recover from your pneumonia soon. Physical illness can wear you down emotionally. You may just be experiencing this because you are sick right now...
I'm so sorry for everything you have gone through and I'm so glad you're out of it.
You know that I am in the middle of extracting myself and my emotions from the ties to a man who was emotionally and verbally very manipulative and exploitative, if not outright abusive. It's not that I don't want to acknowledge the abuse, it's just that I save the word for the type of treatment you experienced. Thank you for your openness and contributions, they have been very helpful to me.
Feel better V. Have a speedy recovery.
RAI
(( hugs))
Darn pneumonia!!! Hope you get better soon!
Hope you're recovering! Pneumonia is nothing to laugh at, it's serious stuff.
Hey V,
Just checking in here (for the first time in like 3 months) and quickly read up on your thread. It seems like you're moving forward a step at a time and that's all we can do. Keep your head up, I look back at all of you kind folks here and see how beneficial each one of you were getting through the darkest moments. Just want to reiterate how deeply appreciative I am to you and your candid, yet meaningful guidance.
-MCS
Sleep well. Get well. Be well
Good morning Sweet V!
Just a drive by to share a rainbow hug, tell you I hope you are feeling better and thank you for checking in on me and my daughters.
You have been an Angel sent to me by God, and I will be forever grateful your path crossed mine in my hour of need.
(((Vanilla)))
I have been called some things in my life, most of them by xWH!
Some no doubt I deserved.
It's the first time I have been referred to as an angel! I like it though too. It's the better part of the residual FOO I have and I intend to shift into it more.
Thank you for your kindness SH, you did the work needed for you and your Ds.
V
I am in a pensive mood
Reflecting on what is different now than it was when I first arrived.
What is that makes an adult an adult?
What do I see in those that have had shift compared to those who have merely adapted or changed such that they can repattern. What is it that some here achieve and others miss.
What makes the LBS who has successfully DB different from the wayward?
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Know emotions, feel them, and observe
I think I couldn't tell the difference between some of my feelings. I confused anger with disgust for instance. And some things I labelled as feelings were either thoughts states or behaviours. For instance I feel uncomfortable is a state. As is I feel cold. I feel hungry. Etc I feel put down or disrespected is a thought. I feel like getting a coffee or going for a run is a behaviour.
When I had a feeling then I often let it drive my behaviour. Instead of observing I acted on the emotion. Although intellectually I knew that feelings could be observed I didn't regulate. I acted too much, especially out of fear.
Now I consider before I act and it's much better. I know longer knee jerk all the time.
That's shift because I know how to regulate and observe. I am happy about this change.
I am still stuck expressing anger, it's the one emotion I don't have in my repertoire.
I have noticed that waywards can't regulate in this way. XWH used to say I was 'cool' emotionally and it's possible that I didn't identify the feelings I had and express it. Fair point.
The emotional level is appropriate for the situation, sad that your dog died more than you broke a cup. Anger that a major boundary was breached and not because your spouse knocked over the milk. I noticed xWH anger could be inappropriate directed or at a wrong level for the breach.
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Expectations of others
I had very few expectations of others, few boundaries of my own. I failed to hold others to their obligations and commitments.
I kept on giving even when it was inappropriate to do so and not in my own best interest. I have a realisation but no shift.
Waywards have entitlements, so many of them, to time, assets, resources, fins. They believe they are allowed their cake and eat it.
Lack of consequences.
This one is tough for me and there is very little shift.
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Know who I am
I have goals, dreams and ambitions. I know those and they can change. I can let them.
I can let go of things I don't need and treasure what I do. I can detach and evaluate.
Yes shift, I know me and I like me. Quite a bit now.
I want the best for me and I am taking extreme care of me.
I am precious to me and this will come first above all.
I am resolving my fins too.
I am getting to the point where I am able to tell others who I am and show it without feeling ashamed. I no longer make excuses when I don't want to do something. I say no. I have my view and am open to it being changed. What others think of me is their concern.
This is big shift.
I have noticed that waywards and abusers adapt to gaslight and hide who they are to hook and mislead. This means they must be ever vigilant and on guard. They often are so inconsistent we don't know them. How often have I said I love who I thought xWH was. Actually I have no clue who he really was and I doubt he does either. I truly am detached that's his concern as is what he thinks of me. XWH had no goals or dreams, his whole self was hooked on his compulsions and keeping these going. They drove him and probably still do. Not my circus not my monkeys.
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Self worth
Extreme self care, looking after my interests. Being self centred not selfish. I have the capacity
Waywards are selfish even against their own longer term self interest. Impulsive and immediate.
I evaluate my sitch and balance outcomes, looking for win win solutions. Compromising and negotiating to achieve better results. I decide to be impulsive as a positive decision.
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Manage my bad times and PTSD
I just used to struggle alone and had no tools to deal with being abused. Or the PTSD and it got worse.
I have researched and learned about abuse so that I can self soothe. I manage the episodes using CBT, DBT and NLP.
I study counselling so I can counsel others and understand a little of the dynamics of R. Mainly it's helped me.
Learning about errors in thinking was a milestone for me.
I think waywards abusers and compulsives medicate often using alcohol, drugs and affairs. There seems to be low tolerance for bad times.
This was a shift.
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Carry things through
I have always been responsible, caring for others. Doing too much to meet commitments. Some of which were illusionary.
I am having to learn to let some commitments go and explaining to others why. Some things are beyond me and so I say no. It's better to say no up front than give away my power and struggle to complete.
This way I have time to rest.
I honour fewer commitments now.
Big shift.
I noticed that xWH and other waywards drop commitments if they are inconvient for them even saying they didn't make them in the first place. There is no conscience on it at all.
I try to resolve than feel guilty about what I do.
Shift
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Resolve my childhood issues
I looked at things I didn't even know were an influence, studied ACES in childhood. I continue.
Let's just say this was the knowledge phase of shift. An on going project for me.
I doubt if waywards compulsives and those with personality issues resolve their issues.
No shift yet.
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Creativity and solving problems focused on my stuff and others if they ask
I can see more solutions and can ask others to help. I am learning more and more about things I didn't even know I needed to know.
I can tolerate dissonance whilst waiting. I am no longer quite so dogmatic and I can apologise to others when I get it wrong and look for better more creative solutions.
Shift.
I am no longer focused on finding solutions in R,instead I am working on me to get to be a better boss, friend, neighbour, sister and ultimately partner. I no longer focus on xWH, it's directed towards me.
When I am where I want to be then I can stop.
I want to get myself to the point this is no longer a limiting factor.
No thoughts about waywards on this one.
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I can be alone if I need to be
I don't need another. I prefer the company of others and I have the widest variety.
If a partner shows he does. If not that's ok. I have a full life.
I think waywards, compulsive and abusers have to have another to have resources. They won't want alone.
I can wait until I get that which I need in life. To be with someone who values me, who is free to be with me.
Pretty much has always been this way.
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I know me and kinda like me, I listen to my higher power
For who I am not what I do.
I think waywards compulsives and abusers don't know themselves. They may well value themselves and others on what they do.
I will value me and what others think of me is their concern. I will be me, who I am and who I want to be.
I try to be open and honest. 12 steps has been my go to.
I listen to my higher power, in fact that higher power connects all the time. I didn't listen before.
Shift.
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Those are my thoughts on what it takes to be mature.
Now to devise an action plan on this.
V
Lovely post, V.
I have taken a hiatus from cutting out your 'NO's.
Now you've got me mulling.
Action Plan
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Know emotions, feel them, and observe
I keep a journal and post regularly, I reflect on my feelings and name them. I consider carefully before I act and I request feedback.
I am open when I feel an emotion, I understand the strength of the feelings I have.
I observe my feelings knowing that they may be inappropriate.
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Expectations of others
I act in my own best interest after considering the impact on others. As far as possible I look for the best soptions for all.
I hold others acountable for the bargains they make.
I ensure others know my boundary and warn them before breaches are made.
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Know who I am
I evaluate my goals and refer to my core values on a quarterly basis.
I balance my life and take action to adjust when I am over burdened.
I advise others if I am unable to meet an obligation and I search for resources to fill any gaps in my skills and abilities.
I meditate daily and connect with my higher spirit.
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Self worth
I live a life of extreme self care, I work to be my best self adjusting when required. I allow myself space for mistakes and am compassionate.
I evaluate my sitch and balance outcomes, looking for win win solutions. Compromising and negotiating to achieve better results. I decide to be impulsive as a positive decision.
I know I am good enough and as a person and that my worth is about who I am not what I do, I remind myself daily of the things I am grateful for.
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Manage my bad times and PTSD
I seek extra help for my bad times, I get active and look to examine my PTSD. I am honest about my state.
I look to resolve my FOO, by therapy and personal growth. I release my burdens from childhood as I become aware of them.
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Carry things through
I release burdens which are not mine to carry, concentrating on my issues.
I seek to make progress on my fins, concentrating on becoming financially solvent. I raise 2 invoices daily and chase for payment on old invoices every week.
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Resolve my childhood issues
I seek counselling for my unresolved issues and I listen to guidance. I attend twelve steps.
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Creativity and solving problems focused on my stuff and others if they ask
I actively seeking solotions to problems, I give myself extra time to think of new ideas. I research and request help when needed.
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I can be alone if I need to be
I live my life to the full building time to be alone to just be. I embrace my own company, meditating daily.
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I know me and kinda like me, I listen to my higher power
I pray and journal every day, I write and reflect, I live authentically so that I am good to myself.
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V
None of this is about xWH.
I want a greater influence on me than xWH has had.
V
I feel like ranting
Fart
FART
fart
Fart
Fart
Fart
Fart
Fart
Fart
Fart
V
If you can't rant here, then where can you rant? Go for it. Besides it was kind of funny to see after your more serious thoughts.
(((V)))
I feel like ranting
Fart
FART
fart
Fart
Fart
Fart
Fart
Fart
Fart
Fart
V
Rant away Lady V!!!!
I hope it does not offend that reading this gave me a good chuckle
Teeheehee
I hope you are finding peace today and doing well.
((((Vanilla))))
Although I always love your posts, your last few has really resonated with me.
First the insight. I found myself mentally checking off items on your lists, and making note of the things I still struggle with. It was eye opening to see it spelled out the way you did--and recognizing the growth.
Second--the farts--there is nothing like the relief that comes after letting it rip. Go right ahead. Here is a safe place.
It's ok, I have worked out how to get xh2 to do what I want.
Demand he do opposite of what I want, he then huffs and puffs via his L of why he cannot and I get what I want no drama.
Perhaps this might work for nilla and her wh? He is almost mlc, and will refuse just to be difficult?
It's ok, I have worked out how to get xh2 to do what I want.
Demand he do opposite of what I want, he then huffs and puffs via his L of why he cannot and I get what I want no drama.
Perhaps this might work for nilla and her wh? He is almost mlc, and will refuse just to be difficult?
My strategy is complete NC.
Total blackout. XWH exists in a parallel universe and he can stay there.
Gg did you ever get back your AI kit?
V
I am nc, too.
I had to collect my bits but I don't want to see him. So I demanded I go round to his via the L of course. He said of course gg would tomorrow suit.
Nope he sent an over my dead body, which I was my need. Tick gg gets to keep her boundary and stay nc. Do what works love.
I keep reminding mine how much I loved him. He runs faster away, it's in the past for me, but for him he's terrified. I don't need or want to see him. I prefer it that way.
I sometimes ask myself "when will I be over this? "
There have been times in the last couple of years when I simply did not want to be and did not want to be me. Where the easiest thing would be to sleep forever.
I know my feelings and thoughts are down to who I am. And it isn't good and I want to heal from abuse. Sometimes it loops though.
I can be compassionate to others whilst being tough on me. Tougher than xWH has been in some areas. The PTSD and self talk are destructive some times. It is getting in the way of healing. I keep holding xWH words in my mind.
I can't change what happened and it keeps rehashing and revisiting in this destructive mechanism.
I have relieved myself of the burden of his awful behaviour and I make this very difficult for myself. I blame myself often enough, not for xWH behaviour but for my own response.
I am holding myself accountable for 'crimes' which are not mine, found myself guilty and given myself unfounded false convictions. It's fake guilt, and behaves like the real thing. It's imaginary.
I think feeling ill, unwell is confused with being bad.
It stops me from taking action, I think it confuses me with real action. As if feeling imaginary guilt is an action of its own.
Keeps me chained to the past and I prefer to live in the present. Is this a wrong? Really?
I feel a little stuck at this point.
Rather unmotivated.
V
V
As SH said yesterday in my thread rumination is not healthy. Just live for today. Unstuck yourself, keep busy with things around the home and visit some friends.
(((V)))
Hello vanilla
What is it about your response that you blame?
I hope you are not being too hard on Screaming Banshee. Sure, she's emotionally driven... But she's also loyal, honest, brave, and stood up for you when no one else could.
I think often times, we all are our own worst enemies. Something we all need to work torwards...being forgiving and kind to ourselves.
My mother often says "guilt is a wasted emotion". What do you think?
I hope you feel better soon.
Hugs
J.
Thank you Jim and Ju
Sometimes the feelings just take over. I let them and observe when I can.
My guilt
- not spotting this nature in WH
- introducing this man to my family and friends
- having few boundaries
- being slow to bounce back
- screaming banshee reaction
- the on going depression and complex PTSD
- my dire fins putting my business at risk
- lack of general motivation
- still having about 20 lbs of excess weight
- the fact that extreme self care has lapsed
Will that do? Ju
Big mess of guilt to wallow in.
I think most of it is just being unwell at present.
V
hey lady V,
Guilt...I have always felt that guilt is a way to punish ourselves for something we feel we did wrong.
noone else can MAKE us feel guilty...it is all on us.
your list, it is all in the past, you have learned to effectively create boundaries, recognise abusive tendencies, bringing him into your life and the lives of your family.
you have learned who the screening banshee Is and what she did was to protect yourswlf. you can recornize that now...which is part of your shift, right?
you are learning that motivation to be the best you is within yourself and this $hit takes time, is not a linear path, ups and downs and all-around sometimes.
sometimes it is easy to let self care lapse, oh boy we are all going through it from time to timw...it is part of learning and I know you will spring back. I KNOW this because you are aware of the benefits of you being happy and what that self care can do for yourself
all this guilt, it is all from within. I have come to realize that I feel guilty when i dont feel like I was punished enough. for example...I was in a car accident umpteen years ago, I was at a bachelor party and drove home. I fell asleep and destroyed my car. I walked away. I coukd have died, i could have killed people because I was stupid and juvenile and stupid. I was not charged or anything...it was pure luck, call it whatever. I feel like I've learned my lesson. I do not drink and drive anymore...it is just not worth it to get buzzed and try.
I still torture myself with the guilt of my crime from time to time...roscolnikovishly. I use that guilt to make sure i dont ever do that again. is that good, idk...can I ever move forward without forgiving myself...not sure, that is all on me though, no one else gives me that guilt. eventually I will decide for myself what i will do.
as for motivation or wallow...that is up to you, right? maybe I am off base. this situation kicks our a$$es sometimes, getting up and learning from that is what separates us from being a quitter.
you are not a quitter. you are not a survivor...you are a thriver, right?
(((V)))
Hi Vanilla. I think that everyone here has engaged in some serious self-recrimination/guilt as part of this messy process. It's not particularly helpful or healing, but it is completely normal. Try not to let this normal reaction be another thing to beat yourself up about. You are on a long journey, one with a very circuitous route.
You deserve to receive as much compassion from yourself as you so generously give to others. Be kind to yourself and remember to put on your own oxygen mask first, lovely V.
If your self care has lapsed, how about finding one small thing that you can do for yourself tomorrow that will soothe you. Put on some beautiful music, take a nice bath, or take time out to read a book you haven't had time to pick up. Whatever you do, frame it positively. Extreme self-care sounds a bit daunting, so how about tomorrow you decide to simply pamper yourself for a little while?
Set yourself up to succeed by setting small, attainable goals for a little while.
Hi Lady V , this is a stern talking to
I read your list and have to completely disagree You are kind hearted and trusting , that's all you have to be guilty about XH is a sh@t , a waste of space and certainly not worth a precious person such as Lady V feeling anything but relief that she has removed him from her life.
It's roller coaster time Sis, this is a down slope and an up slope is next.
Please please do take on any blame for a ubderhand , sly , manipulating berk
You've helped so many with your wise and caring words. Turn some of that love inwards because you needed self care right now
You know where I am and hugs aplenty await
Huge hug for my online sis Take care Rd. xxxx
My lovely Lady V,
I feel for you currently as I too have been re-triggered within the last few days with not only guilt but shame.
Old demons of being unworthy and undeserving of love, because of how I may have treated goregous Mr S. He has been nothing but loving and kind, in my complete emotional over-reaction to the shame and guilt of potentially treating him poorly. He says I didn't treat him poorly and that he understands the over-reaction. I am blessed.
It is challenging to feel yourself getting pulled back into old ways of feeling. I have fallen into a depression, feeling overwhelmed by behaviours that I believed I had overcome.
You are right Lady V we are revisiting places to in someway prove to ourselves that we are not worthy of moving forward to a happier and lighter place.
Lady V, others forced us to procure these views of ourselves. They are not ours to own. I resent feeling that I should own them. However I self-flagellate this too.
Mr S wants me to trust, to trust him that he is different from my previous partners, from my father and to trust myself that I am different, even though feelings of happiness, love and connection are huge triggers to the shame, guilt and fear of losing it all over again fill me with.
Mr S is asking me to patient with him, he asks more however that I am patient with myself, while I learn to let go of the past and learn to find happiness now and into my future. He tells me there is no rush to be comfortable with the new, that I can take my time.
He is kind for sure. But I am done with feeling the shame and guilt at a time when I should be feeling more freedom and happiness. I feel like I am being ungrateful and spoiled to not be revelling in him and us.
I am not really sure what I am trying to convey Lady V. Only likely that I view myself as someone more than able to check my stuff and move through it, and yet here I am feeling like I am starting at the beginning, and this time the trigger was not the loss of someone, but the potential of having someone.
Maybe its just the gift of time Lady V, that we just have to keep giving ourselves.
You know how I feel about you.
lots of rainbow tummy love.
Your friend
Jellyxxx
Thank you Jim and Ju
Sometimes the feelings just take over. I let them and observe when I can.
My guilt
- not spotting this nature in WH
- introducing this man to my family and friends
- having few boundaries
- being slow to bounce back
- screaming banshee reaction
- the on going depression and complex PTSD
- my dire fins putting my business at risk
- lack of general motivation
- still having about 20 lbs of excess weight
- the fact that extreme self care has lapsed
Will that do? Ju
Big mess of guilt to wallow in.
I think most of it is just being unwell at present.
V
Oh vanilla
Your guilty for being human! We can't be perfect all the time. We are entitled to make mistakes. We are allowed to trust. We are allowed to f up. I know you know this, but just wanted to remind you.
Being sick really contributes as well. I felt the same this winter. You will get better though.
Your very analytical in how you detach and observe your emotions. This ability seems to provide you with comfort. But allow for human error
Wishing you the best!
J.
I like jelly and jujuB's responses an aweful lot.
Jelly, dear, trust Mr S has your best interest at heart. Open yourself up to it. You take a risk of getting hurt, yes, but if you mute the risk you also mute the rewards. I think back to the beginning of my relationship with MyNica and I have no idea why he put up with my insecurities. But he was nothing but kind and patient with me. There are actually some men like that.
Sunny and Jelly..
Thank you for posting about your experiences with men that are kind and patient regarding your vulnerabilities. Men that you can be yourselves around. It's so nice to know they exist. But only if you are willing to take a risk. I am keeping that info stored.
My fear when I start dating is having to wear that mask of confidence and self assuredness in order to be perceived as attractive and valuable. Or perhaps to prevent being perceived as someone needing pity and rescue either! How can we not have some insecurities post divorce/ abandonment? All of our egos have been severely battered! We wouldn't be human!
Something else to remember...why would these men be willing to put up with our bruised egos and insecuritites??? Maybe because it comes with a lot of other great stuff!!
Sorry for hijacking vanilla.
Hijack away dearest Ju
It's an interesting discussion about triggers and worthiness.
More contributions are welcome
V
Thanks Jellyb
Rainbows
Apologies folks I am not posting very much at the moment.
I am dealing with some very difficult xWH issues at the moment and have pneumonia so please forgive me.
Normal service will be resumed as soon as I can.
V
Hi lovely V, I'm so sorry you're having a rough time with xWH at the moment, and you're still not well. Do take care of yourself first and foremost and only post again when you feel up to it, or it will help.
I'm hoping you'll be feeling much better soon.
Xx
Oh no! I hope that you are feeling better very soon. Pneumonia is awful!
The extra nonsense with xWH simultaneously is remarkably bad timing. Hang in there, Miss V.
((((((Vanilla))))))
Drive by rainbow hugs for my Sweet Lady V
((((((((((((((((((((Sweet Lady V))))))))))))))))))))
May you have peace and calm as you work through the current challenges of health and xWH.
You are in my prayers.
Letter to WH
Dearest xWH,
I received a letter from you telling me you are going to sue me in the highest court in the land and that you want more money.
In fact this is what you said:
Now that our D is finished I want money. Pay me what you owe me or I am taking you to the Old Bailey. That is going to cost a lot of money and you will pay all my legal fees. I want a lot of money from you, in fact I want all the money I paid into our joint account for bills back as I should not have to pay for very much. What's mine is my own. And you promise me all my money back so that's a contract I am going to enforce.
Sell your home or mortgage it and pay me in the next 14 days before I go to court.
I guess I must accept that there is truth in it because after all:
You only took showers whilst I had baths, which uses more hot water.
Women clearly use more toilet paper than guys, so the cost there is heavy. Perhaps you didn't flush every time so you used less water.
I replaced the broken down washing machine with a new one and naturally you didn't wash your sheets as often as I washed mine. There is some justification too because I put dirty dishes in the dishwasher which clearly uses more dishwasher powder. So I must pay for all that.
Maybe the cleaner didn't hoover your room and the window cleaner wash your windows? I didn't notice.
Perhaps you really didn't have those holidays abroad? That's in my imagination too, especially as I worked long hours and you played golf all day.
Perhaps you didn't eat anything either, that would explain why you can have a refund? I know I didn't get the foods you liked ever so that matters. I now understand that Apple juice was your sudden preference, how could I have not understood. I know I am the most selfish person in the world too so you are entitled to funds for that.
You need compensating for the fact I bought the wrong bacon perhaps?
Clearly Sky Sports is free to view as well and all the golfing you watched on a pay as you go basis was minimal.
You didn't use the tumble drier either. None of your bedding ever wore out and you have never walked on the carpets.
I had an elderly cat who ate more than the average Albanian whilst your family visited and never got fed.
You never used the WiFi quite clearly so you needn't pay for that.
You never broke anything or burned a pan or cooked. No contribution needed there then. And you never switched on lights and plugged anything in.
It's quite clear you occupied no space in the house which as you point out was mine so you shouldn't pay for anything. However now you have moved you have rent to pay so I should pay that for you otherwise you could move back in. Assert your marital rights.
The garden doesn't grow or need tending and obviously furniture doesn't need replacing and there is no decoration to do. Besides it's 'my' house so I should do all those things whilst you lounge on the sofa and go to the pub. I must pay for the paint too.
All of my money must go to pay bills of course that's fair, I need to pay for your company by paying for all birthday family and other functions.
You smoke drink and gamble and your money is yours naturally to do with as you choose. When you run out then it's my responsibility to give you more as I have some and you have less.
You don't want to work, that's too stressful and why should you when I can work to provide. Besides any work you do in the business should be paid at exhorbitant rates, when you bother to turn up.
You received a very large redundancy payment in February and it's gone by September? That's clearly yours too to spend as you like and you can buy two expensive cars (the first I know you didn't like so of course it's ok to replace it). I only need a beat up old van. That's fair.
Your large pension is yours and there is no need to draw it when I have work I should be doing, although I clearly don't earn enough and invoice properly. I am truly incompetent as a business woman and my 35 years in business has been a waste of time. My qualification are clearly inferior to yours, my staff are incompetent and of course you always know best on everything.
You can put your petrol and car insurance on my credit card.
You can suddenly decide you can't afford to pay bills at a moments notice and stop. That's ok, I have to make up the shortfall. And it's fine too because I have no mortgage to pay, you can live at the big house free of charge, go on holiday and take your friends and of course I pay the bills. Your family can use the seaside flat without contributing.
Oh yes, you can buy all of your Xmas Presents out of our joint account and give your family cash gifts because you always have done so. I don't drink much and can't afford new clothes that's ok because you can buy rounds in the pub.
I pay for your sports club membership and it's ok for you to cancel it and take the refund. Absolutely ok.
I can pay for you to take your OW out too, after all you need the company and I can't afford to go out.
It's fine for me to drive if you drink although you are ashamed of me as I am an old fashioned bag lady with a van you won't be seen dead in, apart from late at night when you need a lift if you have been drinking. My clothes don't 'do me any favours either' except when I am doing the things needed to make money.
Yes you need compensating because I am ugly, fat and balding. I do believe some guy successfully sued his W for an ugly baby and that sets a pecedant.
Your are entitled to a big chunk more after all our marriage lasted a long time: 9 months. I should pay for you being on match.com trolling for OW throughout our M. It's fine to tell everyone your W is a 'dog' like most of the women on the dating site because clearly she is.
You can walk out and never pay another penny for anything, the cash you took to clear gambling debts needn't be repaid but any minor expenditure of yours needs reimbursing. You can come and go as you please of course, taking whatever you want of mine, leaving your unwanted things for me to store. You can take all the wine from the wine cellar to drink too, that's ok. You can have the TV, and all electrical goods. Especially the expensive stuff. The work lap top, nice printer are yours.
I must of course comply with every single little demand or whimsy of yous. Your requests are always reasonable.
It was OK for you to force me to put my home on the market and to reduce the price, after all you need cash. It was OK for us to get M and you not tell me that you were going to be made redundant and had made up your mind to never work again.
It was fine for you to rant every day and threaten me, I know I was infuriating and particularly slow in paying. Now it's ok to take me to court and of course I must pay up or pay your legal fees on top. The amount I need to pay you is your choice and you are so broke that clearly I must pay all your debts. Apparently I promised that, for richer and for poorer. You richer and me poorer.
I am useless now I am ill and as you say you don't do ill. You have told me you would be better off if I were dead and of course I am so useless that I might as well be. Perhaps the worms in my brains will get me in the end, athough it's going to be costly to get my head examined so I had better leave that.
I had to have my hair cut and buy some cosmetics that's an expense and clearly that had no effect at all so I could have given the cash to you. I don't deserve a social life and the odd cappuccino I buy is a waste of money that I could give to you for nights in the pub. I must stop paying for medicines they are in essential although your cigarettes are a must have buy. My friends are dreadful so it's a waste of time seeing them or entertaining them, they are so boring. SInce my father should smother my mother that will save on a birthday and Xmas present each year.
Naturally the law is your side because you need 40,000 a year to live on and I only need 11,000. So I should pay you a lot of money and pay your fees to sue me.
It is ok for me to be bullied, gaslighted and stolen from. After all I married your sorry ass.
More fool me.
Thank you
V
Stay strong sis , he's an ass
Huge hug. Rd. xxxxx
What a w>nker! Put your feet up and let him wallow in his own self pity until he drowns. When I look at things like that I get incredibly angry, I really do. Stay strong and DO NOT buckle.
He's not that bright either as the Old Bailey is for criminal proceedings, not matters of divorce at such an early stage. Let him start the process off himself; his legal fees will cripple him. Scaremongering little sh!t.
Ugh V! Let his messages be like water off a duck's back - shake your lovely feathers and your ducky tail and paddle on by.....
Hope you are feeling all better now xx
Wow. What a complete shite he is. I like Sotto's sassy little duck approach to his load of garbage.
And whatever he says or said, consider the source. As my brother likes to say, he's lower than whale [censored] at the bottom of the ocean.
((((((((((Vanilla))))))))))
V,
Let it go! I echo Sotto and the rest who think he is scum.
Stay strong!
((((((V))))))
I think I hear crickets nilla.....
Let no answer be his answer.
Allow him to marinate in his ows cause they are so wonderfull.
unlike you who is above which crapola.
Thank you Jim and Ju
A little late to this, but I want to chime in, because I feel like your inner voice is my inner voice
My guilt
- not spotting this nature in WHIf you did spot it, it would mean you were a distrusting person. It is his nature, not yours. And until you experience someone of this nature, when you are a loving trusting person you don't believe it exists. He didn't want you to spot it. You didn't know to look for it. Not your fault.
- introducing this man to my family and friendsHe was important to you. Of course you would introduce him to other important people. He was good at his game, and you had no reason to believe it was a game. Not your fault.
- having few boundariesThis is a learning experience. It isn't intuitive for many of us, especially those of us who always put others first. You had few boundaries then so that now you know which boundaries to have. We aren't meant to be perfect. We are meant to learn from our experiences. Life is trial and error. We do it wrong a lot of the times, we do it right a lot of the times, we do what we have to do when it is both the wrong and right thing a lot of the times. Life isn't black and white. There are consequences to all of our choices right and wrong. Perhaps a blurred boundary also kept you safe in many ways some of the time. You did what you felt you needed to do. Now you are learning better ways.
- being slow to bounce backIf you bounced back quickly I would worry that you would easily slip into a similar relationship again. Growth and healing take time to be permanent
- screaming banshee reactionThis is one that consumes me too. I know H had recordings and has used those sound bites in a MS smear campaign with certain family members and coworkers. Makes me think that he might be right about me sometimes. But then I remind myself that, that was then, this is now. I had some moments in the past that I am ashamed of. They are part of me. They could have been avoided. But it happened. I am not proud of that part of me. I understand how it was triggered. I know that my own SB can re-emerge if I am careless. But now I know when she is coming. I can pull her back. It doesn't feel as good to pull her back as it did to let her out, but it is better in the long run. Leave SB in the past. Feed her when you feel her stirred. Keep her safe so she won't feel the need to escape. Tend to her needs before she is scared. She is part of you, but she doesn't have to be destructive when properly tended to. ANGER, it is a valuable emotion when properly tended to.
- the on going depression and complex PTSDAgain, not your fault. You have been through hell and the aftermaths are overwhelming at times. Let it wash over you, don't fight it. Feel it, face it. this is one of my waves that I deal with. The kind of waves that will take me down if I try to ride it or fight it. All you can do sometimes is just go under and let it pass over you. Recognize it for what it is and don't try to take action in those moments. It will pass.
- my dire fins putting my business at risk<<<V>>> Hugs. Lots of hugs. It is overwhelming, but I have absolute confidence that this is a wave your can overcome. You might not be able to ride it yet, but you certainly can stay at the surface. When you are surfing there are a lot of good rideable waves that you can't catch because you haven't swum out far enough. You are still swimming out past the break right now. It is exhausting, but you know it is worth it. Just keep swimming. (Just saw Finding Dory--couldn't help it)
- lack of general motivation Understandable. You are tired. Do a little when you can't do a lot. When you feel helpless pick the one simplest task. I think it was a goal setting podcast that mysister referred me to a few years back that said, rather than setting a goal to run 3 miles every day, you should set your goal to put on your running shoes every day. Then once your running shoes are on you already had success. You can then decide to set the next goal of running to the corner which is suddenly much easier to do because your running shoes are already on. And once you run to the corner, it becomes easier to go to the end of the street, etc. Even if you stopped at putting on your running shoes you are successful, but each next step becomes easier because the previous one was already accomplished. You were amazingly motivating for me last year when I was failing miserably at everything. You helped me see that through that failure I found my strength. That resonated with me. Even when H was trying to tear me down by bringing that failure up last week, it didn't sting because I know what that failure means to me now. It means that I plowed through and saw it to the end when all I wanted to do was roll over and quit. That failure has become one of my biggest successes. The same is true for you V. You have so much strength, love, compassion, insight. You will do what you need to do because that is who you are. Just because you feel unmotivated doesn't mean anything. It is a feeling, and you are free to feel it while you move forward.
- still having about 20 lbs of excess weightThe numbers always cause more trouble than they need to. Don't focus on that. Eat good food. Move to feel good. The rest will fall into place when you are ready.
- the fact that extreme self care has lapsedSometimes we take a break. A lapse is not a failure. It is a time out.
Will that do? Ju
Big mess of guilt to wallow in.
I think most of it is just being unwell at present.
V
Letter to WH
Dearest xWH,
I received a letter from you telling me you are going to sue me in the highest court in the land and that you want more money.
In fact this is what you said:
Now that our D is finished I want money. Pay me what you owe me or I am taking you to the Old Bailey. That is going to cost a lot of money and you will pay all my legal fees. I want a lot of money from you, in fact I want all the money I paid into our joint account for bills back as I should not have to pay for very much. What's mine is my own. And you promise me all my money back so that's a contract I am going to enforce.
Sell your home or mortgage it and pay me in the next 14 days before I go to court.
I guess I must accept that there is truth in it because after all:
You only took showers whilst I had baths, which uses more hot water.
Women clearly use more toilet paper than guys, so the cost there is heavy. Perhaps you didn't flush every time so you used less water.
I replaced the broken down washing machine with a new one and naturally you didn't wash your sheets as often as I washed mine. There is some justification too because I put dirty dishes in the dishwasher which clearly uses more dishwasher powder. So I must pay for all that.
Maybe the cleaner didn't hoover your room and the window cleaner wash your windows? I didn't notice.
Perhaps you really didn't have those holidays abroad? That's in my imagination too, especially as I worked long hours and you played golf all day.
Perhaps you didn't eat anything either, that would explain why you can have a refund? I know I didn't get the foods you liked ever so that matters. I now understand that Apple juice was your sudden preference, how could I have not understood. I know I am the most selfish person in the world too so you are entitled to funds for that.
You need compensating for the fact I bought the wrong bacon perhaps?
Clearly Sky Sports is free to view as well and all the golfing you watched on a pay as you go basis was minimal.
You didn't use the tumble drier either. None of your bedding ever wore out and you have never walked on the carpets.
I had an elderly cat who ate more than the average Albanian whilst your family visited and never got fed.
You never used the WiFi quite clearly so you needn't pay for that.
You never broke anything or burned a pan or cooked. No contribution needed there then. And you never switched on lights and plugged anything in.
It's quite clear you occupied no space in the house which as you point out was mine so you shouldn't pay for anything. However now you have moved you have rent to pay so I should pay that for you otherwise you could move back in. Assert your marital rights.
The garden doesn't grow or need tending and obviously furniture doesn't need replacing and there is no decoration to do. Besides it's 'my' house so I should do all those things whilst you lounge on the sofa and go to the pub. I must pay for the paint too.
All of my money must go to pay bills of course that's fair, I need to pay for your company by paying for all birthday family and other functions.
You smoke drink and gamble and your money is yours naturally to do with as you choose. When you run out then it's my responsibility to give you more as I have some and you have less.
You don't want to work, that's too stressful and why should you when I can work to provide. Besides any work you do in the business should be paid at exhorbitant rates, when you bother to turn up.
You received a very large redundancy payment in February and it's gone by September? That's clearly yours too to spend as you like and you can buy two expensive cars (the first I know you didn't like so of course it's ok to replace it). I only need a beat up old van. That's fair.
Your large pension is yours and there is no need to draw it when I have work I should be doing, although I clearly don't earn enough and invoice properly. I am truly incompetent as a business woman and my 35 years in business has been a waste of time. My qualification are clearly inferior to yours, my staff are incompetent and of course you always know best on everything.
You can put your petrol and car insurance on my credit card.
You can suddenly decide you can't afford to pay bills at a moments notice and stop. That's ok, I have to make up the shortfall. And it's fine too because I have no mortgage to pay, you can live at the big house free of charge, go on holiday and take your friends and of course I pay the bills. Your family can use the seaside flat without contributing.
Oh yes, you can buy all of your Xmas Presents out of our joint account and give your family cash gifts because you always have done so. I don't drink much and can't afford new clothes that's ok because you can buy rounds in the pub.
I pay for your sports club membership and it's ok for you to cancel it and take the refund. Absolutely ok.
I can pay for you to take your OW out too, after all you need the company and I can't afford to go out.
It's fine for me to drive if you drink although you are ashamed of me as I am an old fashioned bag lady with a van you won't be seen dead in, apart from late at night when you need a lift if you have been drinking. My clothes don't 'do me any favours either' except when I am doing the things needed to make money.
Yes you need compensating because I am ugly, fat and balding. I do believe some guy successfully sued his W for an ugly baby and that sets a pecedant.
Your are entitled to a big chunk more after all our marriage lasted a long time: 9 months. I should pay for you being on match.com trolling for OW throughout our M. It's fine to tell everyone your W is a 'dog' like most of the women on the dating site because clearly she is.
You can walk out and never pay another penny for anything, the cash you took to clear gambling debts needn't be repaid but any minor expenditure of yours needs reimbursing. You can come and go as you please of course, taking whatever you want of mine, leaving your unwanted things for me to store. You can take all the wine from the wine cellar to drink too, that's ok. You can have the TV, and all electrical goods. Especially the expensive stuff. The work lap top, nice printer are yours.
I must of course comply with every single little demand or whimsy of yous. Your requests are always reasonable.
It was OK for you to force me to put my home on the market and to reduce the price, after all you need cash. It was OK for us to get M and you not tell me that you were going to be made redundant and had made up your mind to never work again.
It was fine for you to rant every day and threaten me, I know I was infuriating and particularly slow in paying. Now it's ok to take me to court and of course I must pay up or pay your legal fees on top. The amount I need to pay you is your choice and you are so broke that clearly I must pay all your debts. Apparently I promised that, for richer and for poorer. You richer and me poorer.
I am useless now I am ill and as you say you don't do ill. You have told me you would be better off if I were dead and of course I am so useless that I might as well be. Perhaps the worms in my brains will get me in the end, athough it's going to be costly to get my head examined so I had better leave that.
I had to have my hair cut and buy some cosmetics that's an expense and clearly that had no effect at all so I could have given the cash to you. I don't deserve a social life and the odd cappuccino I buy is a waste of money that I could give to you for nights in the pub. I must stop paying for medicines they are in essential although your cigarettes are a must have buy. My friends are dreadful so it's a waste of time seeing them or entertaining them, they are so boring. SInce my father should smother my mother that will save on a birthday and Xmas present each year.
Naturally the law is your side because you need 40,000 a year to live on and I only need 11,000. So I should pay you a lot of money and pay your fees to sue me.
It is ok for me to be bullied, gaslighted and stolen from. After all I married your sorry ass.
More fool me.
Thank you
V
What a joke he is. I'm not sure how the law works in your part of the world, but I am pretty sure my L would laugh at his threats. The two of us already had a pretty good laugh when we looked over H's back statements. Always dry at the end of the month with no bills paid and nothing to show for it. Nothing has changed. I am the loser who had the small income, yet he is the one who is still broke--with a subsidized rent and much higher salary. They are so entitled it is laughable. But the law doesn't work the way they want it to. It's easy to say don't give him head space, but I was guilty of letting mine rent a room this past week so I know that telling you not to do it is not the best advice. I realized that sometimes I just have to let him rent the room, but while he is there I go about my business and ignore his noise, and deal with the inconvenience until he checks out. It is uncomfortable, but it goes away and housekeeping will make sure once he's gone there are no lingering stenches--until his next visit.
Lady V,
First let me tell you how I loved your letter to the d bag that was you H.
Second let me tell you I have a lot of words that I could use to describe him, but they would be edited so we won't go down that road.
Third, know that you are in my prayers daily and I hope that there are more moments of peace in your days to come, both from the crazy that is your xh and with your health.
(((Vanilla)))
Hi V,
Obviously, you should dismiss xWHs letter as sheer tripe (unless he is running for President of the United States
). But I am sure it still hurts to get letters like that. I still have trouble accepting that there is someone out there who detests me so much, because I consider myself pretty likeable.
(((V)))
RAI
Thank you for responding and I am marinating a little.
I am sort of ok, a little distressed.
XWH put an objection to the D so I am not D yet.
ThE nisi is done, the objection is 3 months wait, then I can apply to finalise the D. Thats 28 August 2016.
More waiting.
Still not D.
V
"Your struggle is your strength. If you can resist becoming negative, bitter or hopeless, in time, your struggles will give you everything."
— Bryant McGill
(((((Vanilla)))))
I appreciate all the positive messages and wise thoughts in the world and felt inspired to share this one with you.
May you find some peace and calm this day sweet lady V.
Lovely news
Glam sis and clever nephew turned up to share his exam results.
Lovely and wonderful evening, family day.
Congrats clever nephew.
V
Lovely news
Glam sis and clever nephew turned up to share his exam results.
Lovely and wonderful evening, family day.
Congrats clever nephew.
V
Family is the our blessing. I had a wonderful outing with family earlier this week. I am feeling kind of friendless lately, but there is always family.
So glad to hear that you've had some good news. I hope the trend keeps on!
(((((Vanilla)))))
That's great - a big well done to him V!!! Have a lovely weekend xx
(((Vanilla)))
Way to recognize things that are good and can present us with moments of joy.
May you find many more this day to fill your heart.
V
That is good news. I hope you are doing well. Miss you!
Thank you Sotto Phoebe and Msd.
I am having low spots and am achy after the pneumonia.
I have taken a few days off. The little white van broke down and the red caR battery is flat.
I am moping, not the usual V at all. It's 3 in the afternoon and I really need to get to it and don't feel like it much today.
I am reading about high conflict persons and the law.
It's really quite a downer.
Still the weither is good and it has been wonderful to have glam sis around.
V
SH and Jim, I do read along although I don't post as much.
That's mainly because of the confusion in my sitch and whilst I think I am brave enough not to be concerned abouthat WH reading my posts. He is threatening me legally and I am sometimes very forthright.
V
Your WH is not a nice person, plainly. I'm sorry that he continues to try to drag you down. You are so much better than him.
I wonder sometimes if WH has found my posts, too, as I am also a bit forthright. I just hope that he's too tied up in OW and his own self-absorption to bother looking.
I hope that you start feeling better PDQ, Miss Vanilla. Pneumonia can really take the wind out of your sails, literally.
(((((lovely Vanilla)))))
Hi Lady V. Sorry to hear about the pneumonia. When your unwell it doesn't help your mood anyway and with that sad excuse for a man give you grief as well it's no wonder your down
On the upside , you will regain your health and you will be free of Stupid Boy in the future , let's focus on that and let the rest pass us by
It was heart warming to hear of Glam Sis and her child genius visiting and a better tonic you could not have been prescribed
tell us some of the other positives going on in your life right now , let's focus on what's important and let all that other rubbish ( XH ) in the mental waste bin
What's up with White Van ? Did you drive it to fast ?
Take care and extra large hug. Rd. Xx
RD
Did I drive White Van too fast?
Nah!
Just spotted Van illa
Haha!
Alternator gone
Wing mirrors gone
And thus van not going
Go faster stripe removed
So good stuff?
I have lost some weight through being ill.
I have wonderful DB friends, email friends and FB friends.
I finished the D papers, brought the accounts up to date to end of May!
I have a new office.......
The pneumonia is properly diagnosed
Your WH is not a nice person, plainly. I'm sorry that he continues to try to drag you down. You are so much better than him.
I wonder sometimes if WH has found my posts, too, as I am also a bit forthright. I just hope that he's too tied up in OW and his own self-absorption to bother looking.
I hope that you start feeling better PDQ, Miss Vanilla. Pneumonia can really take the wind out of your sails, literally.
(((((lovely Vanilla)))))
Phoebe I tried googling some stuff from my sisters tablet to see if I was found here. It had to be very specific.
I am sure WH would be crowing if he had found me.
Who knows?
V
Hi V,
Obviously, you should dismiss xWHs letter as sheer tripe (unless he is running for President of the United States
). But I am sure it still hurts to get letters like that. I still have trouble accepting that there is someone out there who detests me so much, because I consider myself pretty likeable.
(((V)))
RAI
Thank you RAI
You know this dislike is projecting.
I think it's an offense stance because WH maybe thinks I can go after his pension.
I just found he has had directorships by doing extensive Internet searches. So there are likely to be pensions based on that.
Things are marching on.
Hugs dearest RAI
V
Msd response to Vanilla
Thank you Jim and Ju
A little late to this, but I want to chime in, because I feel like your inner voice is my inner voice
-----------------------
My guilt
- not spotting this nature in WH
If you did spot it, it would mean you were a distrusting person. It is his nature, not yours. And until you experience someone of this nature, when you are a loving trusting person you don't believe it exists. He didn't want you to spot it. You didn't know to look for it. Not your fault.
I do now! And yes I learned a lot. In particular how to spot this in another potential partner. Msd I did question my own nature, in researching I went through a phase of questioning do I have a disorder, an I an abuser, do I need codependency therapy. Am I self sabotaging and sometimes the answers weren't to my liking.
-----------------------------
- introducing this man to my family and friends
He was important to you. Of course you would introduce him to other important people. He was good at his game, and you had no reason to believe it was a game. Not your fault.
I did not question myself or WH at all. I had no idea I was being manipulated for money. I actually feel gullible and vulnerable.
------------------------------
- having few boundaries
This is a learning experience. It isn't intuitive for many of us, especially those of us who always put others first. You had few boundaries then so that now you know which boundaries to have. We aren't meant to be perfect. We are meant to learn from our experiences.
Life is trial and error.
We do it wrong a lot of the times, we do it right a lot of the times, we do what we have to do when it is both the wrong and right thing a lot of the times. Life isn't black and white. There are consequences to all of our choices right and wrong. Perhaps a blurred boundary also kept you safe in many ways some of the time. You did what you felt you needed to do. Now you are learning better ways.
A better thing to say I had not discovered my limits. Nothing had tested me like this. The more I enforced my boundaries the worse it got. The abuse escalated. I know from Ross Rosenberg training of counsellors why this is. I also learned I was not codependent but that my FOO set me up as a carer style.
----------------------
- being slow to bounce back
If you bounced back quickly I would worry that you would easily slip into a similar relationship again. Growth and healing take time to be permanent
I am taking my time. I don't believe in sexual healing and am not going to rebound into an R of any type. No dating until I am D, completely D legally plus 6 months.
------------------------------
- screaming banshee reaction
This is one that consumes me too. I know H had recordings and has used those sound bites in a MS smear campaign with certain family members and coworkers. Makes me think that he might be right about me sometimes. But then I remind myself that, that was then, this is now. I had some moments in the past that I am ashamed of. They are part of me.
They could have been avoided. But it happened. I am not proud of that part of me. I understand how it was triggered. I know that my own SB can re-emerge if I am careless. But now I know when she is coming. I can pull her back. It doesn't feel as good to pull her back as it did to let her out, but it is better in the long run.
Leave SB in the past. Feed her when you feel her stirred. Keep her safe so she won't feel the need to escape. Tend to her needs before she is scared. She is part of you, but she doesn't have to be destructive when properly tended to. ANGER, it is a valuable emotion when properly tended to.
I have atoned although that make make me more vulnerable in my D. My L says I should admit no fault.
--------------------------
- the on going depression and complex PTSD
Again, not your fault. You have been through hell and the aftermaths are overwhelming at times. Let it wash over you, don't fight it. Feel it, face it. this is one of my waves that I deal with. The kind of waves that will take me down if I try to ride it or fight it. All you can do sometimes is just go under and let it pass over you. Recognize it for what it is and don't try to take action in those moments. It will pass.
I am working on this Msd. There have been times I couldn't go passed the juice shelves, into the gym changing room and open my locker. Sleep in the MBR. I still can't shower, I need to bath because I feel so dirty. Certain clothes I have thrown away, lovely ones I really liked. Many things I discarded that I liked.
- my dire fins putting my business at risk
<<<V>>> Hugs.
Lots of hugs. It is overwhelming, but I have absolute confidence that this is a wave your can overcome. You might not be able to ride it yet, but you certainly can stay at the surface. When you are surfing there are a lot of good rideable waves that you can't catch because you haven't swum out far enough. You are still swimming out past the break right now. It is exhausting, but you know it is worth it. Just keep swimming. (Just saw Finding Dory--couldn't help it)
between ducklings and Dorey I am doing well!
---------------------------
- lack of general motivation
Understandable. You are tired. Do a little when you can't do a lot. When you feel helpless pick the one simplest task. I think it was a goal setting podcast that my sister referred me to a few years back that said, rather than setting a goal to run 3 miles every day, you should set your goal to put on your running shoes every day. Then once your running shoes are on you already had success. You can then decide to set the next goal of running to the corner which is suddenly much easier to do because your running shoes are already on. And once you run to the corner, it becomes easier to go to the end of the street, etc. Even if you stopped at putting on your running shoes you are successful, but each next step becomes easier because the previous one was already accomplished.
I love this analogy and metaphor Msd, thank you.
You were amazingly motivating for me last year when I was failing miserably at everything. You helped me see that through that failure I found my strength.
Msd thank you. In my eyes you were mobbed and standing proud against great odds. That is holding your own.
If any reader of this post reads Msd posts from last year you will read one amazing journey, grit, hard work and enormous dignity.
It is my very great honour to have shared part of that journey.
That resonated with me. Even when H was trying to tear me down by bringing that failure up last week, it didn't sting because I know what that failure means to me now. It means that I plowed through and saw it to the end when all I wanted to do was roll over and quit. That failure has become one of my biggest successes.
Yes it has Msd. You are a true lady with self respect and dignity. WH is onto a losing argument there, the easiest would have been to give up and give in. You worked hard to get to the finishing post. You completed the marathon. I was so proud of you, I cheered.
The same is true for you V. You have so much strength, love, compassion, insight. You will do what you need to do because that is who you are. Just because you feel unmotivated doesn't mean anything. It is a feeling, and you are free to feel it while you move forward.
----------------------
- still having about 20 lbs of excess weight
The numbers always cause more trouble than they need to. Don't focus on that. Eat good food. Move to feel good. The rest will fall into place when you are ready.
I think my mind and body are holding on to the weight as a means of grey rock to deter WH. When I thought the D was complete the weight came off now it's gone back on.
--------------------------
- the fact that extreme self care has lapsed
Sometimes we take a break. A lapse is not a failure. It is a time out.
Back on the wild horse.
--------------------
Will that do? Ju
Big mess of guilt to wallow in.
I think most of it is just being unwell at present.
------------------------
Thank you for your lovely kind comments Msd.
V
Lady V - I hope you are on the mend! Pneumonia is not a laughing matter, please take care of yourself. I read many of your opening posts (and skipped some in the middle to get to this one). Your transparency and grace never go unnoticed.
Like you told Ghost... keep on keeping on
Thank you for your recent check ins on me and your ever wise feedback and loving support.
I do hope you are feeling stringer each day in spite of the physical ailment you are fighting and the emotional challenges the D-bag of an overdue XWH.
May you feel peace and joy this day. My prayers are with you Lady V.
My gratitude to Mahhty and SH today.
Will update on the black lung disease!
Sounds kind of mideavel which it is!
V
Take care of yourself. Sending healing vibes to your lungs.
Lungs doing better.
Breathing well.
V
Breathing is a wonderful thing.
Easy to take for granted until it is a challenge to do so.
Glad to hear it is clearing and that you are progressing.
Hope all is well and know that I think of you and am thankful often for your presence during my most challenging times of my journey so far.
You are in my prayers regularly and it is good to hear you are recovering.
SH I recommend breathing, highly recommend it!
V
Yes, and the power of breath can be great when we learn to use it and don't take it for granted
.
“Your breathing should flow gracefully, like a river, like a watersnake crossing
the water, and not like a chain of rugged mountains or the gallop of a horse. To master our breath is to be in control of our bodies and minds. Each time we find ourselves dispersed and find it difficult to gain control of ourselves by different means, the method of watching the breath should always be used.” - Thich Nhat Hanh
Glad you are on then mend. You are in my thoughts and prayers. BTW has anyone heard from ancaire lately?
V,
I am happy you are feeling and breathing better. Thinking of you.
RAI
SH, I really like the quote about breathing. I particularly like the watersnake image. They are a study in grace in the water, and imagining breath flowing in such a manner is very evocative. It's wonderful.
Miss Vanilla, I am very glad to hear that you are on the mend.
V,
Glad you are feeling better.
V,
Glad you are feeling better.
+1!
Vanilla,.sorry to hear about your pneumonia and glad that you're feeling better.
My apologies for not posting for a while.
I have had to give myself some breathing space as some really strange stuff is happening in my life. My D has gone really high conflict and WH is hiding in Italy with Maggotroni2. Yet posting on FB pictures of his great love!
I have no idea where he is and he is lying about it in correspondence. This latest OW is a Russian Tramp likemail Rosalindas XWH OW with a twist see M an Italian. REALLY?
WH is trying to turn her into a V look alike. She is wearing an identical necklace, hair is longer and blonder........
Her style is sunderlying Stevie Nicks.
I know who she is and not the address yet, WH is living there since Nov 2015 and trying to pretend he lives in the UK. Dodging the D papers I am filing, it's no wonder the courts can't find him.
Slippery.
Using his friends business address for letters.
This is just so funny if it were a comedy I would die laughing.
Intel is important now so I will keep on keeping on. You never know what shakes loose.
Just watch and wait. I am sure there is more to come.
Just so transparent now.
V
Suddenly Stevie Nicks!
Damn autocorrect
V
She M a rich old Italian.
V
In spite of the difficulties you are facing it is good to see a sense of humor still resides in you.
This is a good sign and makes for a stronger constitution mentally.
That clown of a WH has no idea what he is in for when this is all said and done.
Those pink elephants will be tooten a song in his ear that he won't be able to shake off.
Karma is a bi+(h
You go girl.
Hi V!
I am sorry that your WH is being such a PITA! When will he ever learn that the original and inimitable Vanilla is the best and only one?
Maybe he does realise it subconsciously, and that's why he's trying to mould OW into you.
Sigh. They never learn, do they?
Ugh...he is creating vanilla clones! I agree with Grl. I'm glad we have the original here.
I can't wait for these criminal exploitations of the legal process to just be behind you. I'm sorry vanilla. Not fair.
V
He can only dodge for so long!
He will get what is coming to him!
(((V)))
How creepy. There is only one tried and true Vanilla that we know and love.
I will continue to pray for a speedy and satisfying end to this chaos for you.
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