Hi everyone I'm very much looking for any help/advice I can get. Let me tell you a big about my situation.
I have been with my wife for 8 years (I'm 29, she's 30), married for 2 and we have 2 beautiful daughters together. We hardly ever argue, we never fight and have always enjoyed being in each other's company. Over the past 4-5 months the stresses of day to day life has really caught up with us, financially we've been struggling, childcare has been an issue, both working full time so have no time for the kids and can't seem to escape our debts.
Around 2 months ago she impulsively decided we were moving in with the in-laws to get rid of our debts and save for a mortgage which fell through. She then decided we were moving to Australia and threw herself into that head first which again fell through.
Out of the blue 5 weeks ago she woke me up and dropped the bomb shell, she told me she wasn't happy and needed some space to work out the cause so I packed some things and moved to my parents. A week and a half later I got the phone call saying that she believes it's me and that she "loves me but not in love with me". Since then I have given her space and tried not to beg and plead with her, yes I've spoken to her a couple of times to get some answers but I seem to get a wishy washy, no real content response. I spoke with her tonight regarding the kids and it was like nothing has happened, we spoke like we always had done before, even sharing jokes.
Some things I will point out im 100% certain it is not anyone else, she has mentioned that she is booking a trip at the beginning of July to go away somewhere for a few days as she needs to get away from it all and be on her own, a week before she asked me to leave she was gushing to her friends about how much she loves me and the morning she asked me to leave she sent me some private photos (which isn't uncommon).
I literally have no idea what to do and whether I've lost her forever. Please give me some guidance!!
Welcome to the board
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm and Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htmYou may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH. Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...224#Post2578224Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
Thank you for the information, I will go over it now.
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka
that I totally agree with.
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Kyle get yourself prepared, I too was 100% sure there wasn't OM, and there was. I will say this, if you find evidence, DO NOT confront her right away, come here and get advice before you fly off the handle, it will help you in long run.
Also, her booking a vacation alone seems out of place to me, especially since you both are living in parents house.. I hope I'm wrong, just don't want you to walk blindly, I found out only a few weeks after it started, and I think that is a big reason We are as far along in recovery as we are. Not that we are recovered, but at least OM was taken out of picture quickly.
I think this things have got a bit confused. I am currently living at my parents and she is in a rented house with my 2 kids, we're not living together.
Throughout all of this she keeps telling people that she just wants to be alone. Again I have absolute faith in my wife that there is no one else.
Update.....After my friendly chat with her yesterday a mutual friend has informed me that she said that it was nice to have a normal conversation with me and that she hopes I'm moving on and it wasn't because I still want her back. The friend asked if she will change her mind and she said "absolutely not".....I feel destroyed.
Update.....After my friendly chat with her yesterday a mutual friend has informed me that she said that it was nice to have a normal conversation with me and that she hopes I'm moving on and it wasn't because I still want her back. The friend asked if she will change her mind and she said "absolutely not".....I feel destroyed.
Any advice please, I'm lost in limbo and don't know what to do?
Kyle
As you read here and learn you will find out that she is following the script that most of them follow.
Its all your fault, she wont change her mind, yada yada yada.
I can only say that the basic advice in my first post is the overall direction that you need to head.
It is hard to get up and get moving and leave her in the dust.
But that is what you must do.
Move Forward with your life.
LIVE it, and she will either follow or not.
Knowledge is indeed Power and you have all the TIME in the
world now to do things for YOU.
SO what are you going to DO?
What do you want to DO?
I agree with Coconut and think there is someone else in the picture. Her actions don't match her words.
Have you read Sandi's Rules? Read them and follow them.
Come up with some things you'd like to work on for yourself and create goals. This will help you GAL and focus on yourself.
Is there a parenting plan in place?
Kyle
First things first, stop whatever you're doing and take a deep breath. I'm sorry you're in this situation, but since you are I believe this is a great place to be, with a lot of knowledge on this board. Have you got The book DR yet? Have you started reading the homework that Cadet has posted? I'm sure you're head is spinning right now, almost everyone's is in the beginning.
Stick to the boards, and try to take this ! hour at a time for right now. Remember , Do not believe anything they say and 50% of what they do. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he/she is hurting and scared.
What you need to focus on right now, is what you are able to control, which is yourself. Be the best man you can be. Read all those links from cadet in the post after your first. A lot of good info on there.
And I know its hard right now, but do your best to keep your emotions in check. Reading and learning will help that greatly.
I was 100% certain my wife of 17 years wasn't that kind of person, until I found evidence otherwise. Just be cautious.
My wife also told me nice things, even after affair was revealed, about how I was such a great guy and she knew she would never find anyone better, yadda yadda. Posting pictures of us together on facebook, while secretly emailing OM. The reality is regardless of what is actually going on behind the scenes (Mid-life crisis, or affair, or whatever) the Wife is unfortunately not the same person you married at the moment.
Focus on improving yourself and doing what you need to make you happy regardless of how things go with the wife, and buckle up for the roller coaster ride, friend!
Hello Kyle,
I'm so sorry for the situation you are in.
Sadly, your wife is following a bit of a script. It isn't unusual for the spouse that wants out of the marriage to rewrite history and speak in absolutes. Everyone here says it and it is so true that you can't believe any of what she says and only 1/2 of what she does.
You are at a very fragile point in this relationship and it would be extremely helpful to know what your next move should be. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004
Kyle, I certainly can't relate to your situation.
But, my wife just told me a few days ago she's done and has moved to a friend's house. She won't talk about the situation and says counseling is too late.
I was devastated. I cried for hours every day whether my son was with me or not. I read a book on Separation yesterday and haven't cried since. My Divorce Remedy book should be ready for me to pick up in a couple days, but I've already set goals, determined not to "bug" my wife about our status, keep messages strictly about our son (as much as possible) and promised myself I'd do the hard work to let her find herself. That's the hardest part really. They've wronged you, but you have to wait for them to figure our how they feel.
Others know WAY more than I do, but determining you're going to work hard for yourself and family is the best thing to do. If you give up, it'll show her she probably should leave. That's the impression I get from everything I read. Here, in other books, blogs, etc.
I have read through the links and have not picked up a copy of DR yet.
I'm ashamed to say it but I have done my homework on my wife over the past 5 weeks and there is no suspicious activity, her phone records are clean, emails are fine and I believe nothing untoward on her FB. She is home with my children 12 nights in 14 and is spending the majority of those nights with mutual friends or family going to see her.
Tonight I've convinced myself that for too long I had placed my wife on a pedestal and gave her everything she ever wanted and this needs to end. I feel like going to see her and give her a few home truths with the hope it might make her snap out of it. I think it will shock her to see that side of me as I'm normally so passive.
Tonight I've convinced myself that for too long I had placed my wife on a pedestal and gave her everything she ever wanted and this needs to end. I feel like going to see her and give her a few home truths with the hope it might make her snap out of it. I think it will shock her to see that side of me as I'm normally so passive.
No amount of reasoning or "truth" is going to do anything good for you. Mostly because they are only truths to you. The way she sees the world is her own truth right now. So forcing your truth on her is invalidating and will be met with much resistance. Show her in ACTIONS not in WORDS.
As for OM....try to take your focus of it. Just don't be surprised if one turns up.
Kyle, while your reading through everything, focus on how to treat a WAW (no Affair), as it is different than you would treat a WW (affair). Like you've been told, your not gonna be able to say something that will give her a come to Jesus moment, you will need to show her through your actions (GAL, be confident, validate her, detach), if she feels like your happy and she might lose you, that's when she will be most attracted to you.
I'm so sorry your going through this, know that we've all been where you are and are here to listen when you need to talk... Take care of yourself and you will come out the other side a better man.
I've been trying to show her from afar for the past 5 weeks and she appears to be slipping further and further away.
I've been focusing on myself and one of my biggest changes is the fact I've lost 28lb in weight and I know she's noticed it because she's made comment but this has had no affect.
She's only slipping away due to your perspective.
Do you think pursuing will draw her to you?
I've been trying to show her from afar for the past 5 weeks and she appears to be slipping further and further away.
I've been focusing on myself and one of my biggest changes is the fact I've lost 28lb in weight and I know she's noticed it because she's made comment but this has had no affect.
5 weeks is nothing in her mind, the weight loss is from stress not a healthy diet. Tell me if I'm wrong. Listen to the vets, you're not going to talk your way out of this I'm afraid. Read the book and follow Sandis rules. Yes that was a 2x4, sorry
Like you've been told, your not gonna be able to say something that will give her a come to Jesus moment, you will need to show her through your actions (GAL, be confident, validate her, detach), if she feels like your happy and she might lose you, that's when she will be most attracted to you.
To be honest, this is one thing that scares me in my situation. My wife wants my son to have 2 happy parents. If she sees me happy on my own, she might think she was right to walk away. That we're better for him apart than together.
I do definitely agree that actions speak louder than words. And that the best thing to do, difficult though it is (I'm doing the same thing right now) is to improve yourself.
Look, she can't just lose all love for you, she's not a robot... the best relationships are those that both people are happy with themselves and choose to share that happiness with each other...
She's not gonna see you happy and think she should stay away from you so you stay that way.. She's gonna be drawn in by your happiness, wanna share that with you, a happy you is a sexy you...
If it seems counter intuitive, it's most likely the right thing to do... My sitch has turned around, and I can pinpoint the exact time that it turned, my W and S were watching tv during on the couch having a lazy weekend and I was out on the patio... I decided it was a great day and decided I wanted to go to the beach, I told them where I was going and told them they were welcome to come (I was upbeat and excited to have a fun day) they were being lazy so I packed up and headed out within 10 mins. I was at the beach for about 4 hours and came home in a great mood, that was the first day my wife was drawn to me, because she saw how happy I was with myself...
I can't stress to you enough, a truly happy confident you will be the most attractive you to her. But it's not about her, it's about you, if that makes sense.. Don't do it for her, how she reacts shouldn't change your happiness, do it for you and really be happy.
Look, she can't just lose all love for you, she's not a robot... the best relationships are those that both people are happy with themselves and choose to share that happiness with each other...
She's not gonna see you happy and think she should stay away from you so you stay that way.. She's gonna be drawn in by your happiness, wanna share that with you, a happy you is a sexy you...
If it seems counter intuitive, it's most likely the right thing to do... My sitch has turned around, and I can pinpoint the exact time that it turned, my W and S were watching tv during on the couch having a lazy weekend and I was out on the patio... I decided it was a great day and decided I wanted to go to the beach, I told them where I was going and told them they were welcome to come (I was upbeat and excited to have a fun day) they were being lazy so I packed up and headed out within 10 mins. I was at the beach for about 4 hours and came home in a great mood, that was the first day my wife was drawn to me, because she saw how happy I was with myself...
I can't stress to you enough, a truly happy confident you will be the most attractive you to her. But it's not about her, it's about you, if that makes sense.. Don't do it for her, how she reacts shouldn't change your happiness, do it for you and really be happy.
Gotcha! I mean, that makes sense. I guess I just needed validation lol.
I relapsed today and fear I've caused more harm then good and ruined all chance.
She phoned me regarding childcare and I could help talking about us. I told her that we could have a bright and happy future if we just fight for it, I said all marriages have ups and downs and we can't just bolt at the first hurdle. All I got from her was "I don't want it" and "I've already fought". She said any attempts to fix it will just cause more pain in the long run.
I'm such an idiot!
Kyle my friend.
You have not ruined all chance.
This is a setback.
Yes, trying to have a talk about the R is not a good thing, but trust me, it is not the straw that breaks the camels back.
Take a deep breath.
Pull yourself together.
Reset.
And re read and commit to follow the rules for Dbing.
There is still much work for you to do.
But take this next piece advice very literally and seriously.
Stay focused on you.
This is key to every aspect of your future relationships.
There is nothing you can do to convince her or change her. That is for her to do.
You must change you and only doing that for you will make the changes permanent.
Learn form your mistakes and move forward. You have only failed if you do not get up and try again.
You got this.
I agree with SadHub. Youve caused more unnecessary harm, but nothing is FINAL. When you get a bruise, does it always stay bruised? The key is to learn from it.
I told her that we could have a bright and happy future if we just fight for it, I said all marriages have ups and downs and we can't just bolt at the first hurdle.
Think about how your words treat her feelings.
She says "I feel hurt and sad and tired and I want to leave."
You say "It's normal. We can do better."
You are essentially telling her that you dont care about her feelings. That her feelings arent important to you.
How can you better validate? EVen if you dont agree with her feelings, they are hers, and hers alone. And that means that they are correct and valid.
She just sent me the following text:
This isn't something that we can work through Kyle. I'm beyond that point, I don't want a relationship that I have to fight for. It isn't what I want and it would be unfair of me to pretend otherwise.
I'd like to draw a line under things and move on without all of this, constantly bringing things back up. Please.
It's unreasonable to expect anyone to navigate through these sorts of situations perfectly, so don't beat yourself up too much about it
We're generally starting from a fundamentally broken state and doing everything that needs to be done in terms of detaching, GAL, reading the books, etc takes time. It's a process, and learning from new mistakes as you go is part of the process.
Just really think on it and try to
really internalize that Relationship talk will not have
any positive effect whatsoever. Avoid big dramatic Relationship talks like the plague.
I don't want a relationship that I have to fight for.
We all know that this makes no sense. There are no relationships that proceed on autopilot. Life happens. Disagreements happen. They are natural. And they are healthy.
Unfortunately, you cant tell her this right now. It's going to need to be something she learns on her own.
She has started you down two separate paths. Let her walk on hers. You walk on yours. Maybe someday in the future, they will cross again.
I'd like to draw a line under things and move on without all of this, constantly bringing things back up. Please.
Well, at least you can see the drawbacks of pursuing and R talk. It doesnt do any good for you. So just leave her be for some time. It's time to get to work on rebuilding you into KyleS, a man only a fool would leave.
I'm just struggling to piece together how I got to this point? She has told people that she knows she is never going to find someone as kind, caring and loving as me, she has said I'm a wonderful dad and that she will always love me. None of her actions make sense
I'm just struggling to piece together how I got to this point? She has told people that she knows she is never going to find someone as kind, caring and loving as me, she has said I'm a wonderful dad and that she will always love me. None of her actions make sense
Her actions make perfect sense if you dont believe anything that she is saying.
I'm just struggling to piece together how I got to this point? She has told people that she knows she is never going to find someone as kind, caring and loving as me, she has said I'm a wonderful dad and that she will always love me. None of her actions make sense
Kyle,
This is part of the script. If you want to better understand these things review others stories. Read MWD theory for the WAW. do what ever research you need to to understand, but also know that ruminating on it for to long will not help you right now. It is important that you focus on you. Heal yourself by following DB principles. It is imperative that you heal you. Let her find her way.
Check out Guy Winch's TedTalk for emotional first aid. You need to start your healing process so you can be strong enough to take on the rest. Trust me, if you do the work you can shorten the pain and process for to get to a stable place.
We are here, we will share advice and 2X4's as you need them.
But today, you need to,
Stop
take a breath
be kind to yourself
Be gentle with the thoughts racing in your mind.
Do something to take your mind off of it all.
Do something with someone, so you are not alone with the thoughts today.
Keep us posted and we can talk your through it today.
Kyle,
Reading through your thread has brought back so many bad memories. I continually broke the rules and tried to talk the STBX out of the Separation. None of it works. Its crazy but my WAW responded to me with almost the exact same words as yours has.
It blows my mind how similar all of these situations are.
Im in no shape to give you advise but if you want to know what not to do, read my latest posts.
Stay patient and listen to the folks here. I remember when I first joined the forum thinking that these people are crazy. Don't talk to her, give space, act as if, GAL. I was thinking, that will never work.
Keep posting buddy. this is the greatest site on the web for people going through this hell.
Does anyone have advice on how to handle seeing her when I have to pick up and drop off the kids?
I would try to be cordial, but do it quickly. do not try to hang around, waiting for conversation. In And Out...
Does anyone have advice on how to handle seeing her when I have to pick up and drop off the kids?
Been going through this myself. For the first few days I had tears, and a little anger. Now? I try to be friendly, discuss whatever pertains to our son, and let things dissolve when she wants. This situation is the last in which she'll discuss you and her. Difficult? Yes. You have to fight the urges, or it's likely she'll say something to hurt you.
Kyle, handle the drop offs as they should be, a time when you are picking up or dropping off the most important people in your life, your kids. Be cordial with her, say hello, goodbye, but like jb said, don't linger. You don't need to make conversation with her, if she does, respond appropriately and then end the conversation, attention back to your kids.
It's not gonna help your situation to tell her how you feel about you two, she already knows and doesn't want to hear it. It's the hardest thing ever, not to be able to talk to your wife, but that's what you need to not do.
After time is the child hand over the best time to show I'm getting my life together and moving on with a happy life?
She'll know you're getting your life together because it will show naturally in your actions.
I just fear that she won't pick up on them in such a limited window of time. I removed her from Facebook early on as I couldn't stop myself from stalking her account so I've lost that means of "communication"
I just fear that she won't pick up on them in such a limited window of time. I removed her from Facebook early on as I couldn't stop myself from stalking her account so I've lost that means of "communication"
That's not a bad thing, don't send her a friend request, the further away you are from her the better you will be. You also don't have a limited amount of time with her, you have a child with her, she will always be in your life.
I know it's the hardest thing you've ever had to do, read my sitch if you want, I was saying and doing the same things you are, as has just about everyone else here, but you are getting good advice, listen to it. Focus on you. If I remember correctly, you made daily goals for yourself, how are those going? Focus on those. Your gonna cry, and that's ok, let it out, but then get up and do something, don't lay in bed and wallow in it...
You've got a long time before you get to that point. She will notice when it happens.
What are you doing in the meantime to get your life together? Do you have goals that you're working towards? What are they?
I've decided to learn how to drive (just waiting for an instructor), I'm focusing on losing weight and becoming more confident with how I look and I know it's poor timing but I'm a best man at a wedding next weekend so focusing on that.
Must admit I'm dreading being at a wedding though.
I've decided to learn how to drive (just waiting for an instructor), I'm focusing on losing weight and becoming more confident with how I look and I know it's poor timing but I'm a best man at a wedding next weekend so focusing on that.
Must admit I'm dreading being at a wedding though.
That's good. Just try to keep into activities, and you, as much as possible. Try not to let her take over your mind. It'll drive you nuts. Get a couple books. I got my copy of Divorce Remedy today, I'm excited to start it.
I've decided to learn how to drive (just waiting for an instructor), I'm focusing on losing weight and becoming more confident with how I look and I know it's poor timing but I'm a best man at a wedding next weekend so focusing on that.
Must admit I'm dreading being at a wedding though.
Loosing weight and being more confident are end results, you need to identify short term goals for you to achieve. Wanna lose weight, make a goal of riding bike for 1 hour three days a week, or walking for 1 hour, etc... As you start doing things, you can change your goals, I.e. Ride my bike faster so I go one more mile in that hour, etc... As you reach more of your goals, you will see your confidence grow.
Don't focus on diet right now, if anything, just skip the ice cream, donoughts, etc, and pick something healthier instead. If you start exercising, you will naturally start eating better.
Bad timing for the wedding for sure, I wish you the best with that. It will be good for you to be with friends, I'll pray for God to give you the strength to focus on your friends joy and happiness, do it for him and put your W out of your mind that night.
Yeah, yeah Kyle. What he said! Setting short and long term goals are really important.
In all honesty I know my wife and no amount of positive change I make for myself is going to change her mind. Once she has something in her head she doesn't back down.
In all honesty I know my wife and no amount of positive change I make for myself is going to change her mind. Once she has something in her head she doesn't back down.
You are changing yourself for you. If you're only doing it for her, she'll notice that. Or you'll let it slip. You can't force it, because she will surely put up a bigger, thicker wall than the one that's already there.
I have an update. After my relapse yesterday and trying to get her to fight for our marriage she has spoke with a mutual friend about it.
She seemed annoyed that I had done it and said that if there was anyway I was going to win her back that wasn't the way to go about it. She said that the only way back was for her to reconnect with the "old Kyle" and not this needy and desperate person I've become. She went on to say that she feels she doesn't love me anymore and validated that by saying that if I was to start seeing someone else she doesn't think it would bother her.
I have an update. After my relapse yesterday and trying to get her to fight for our marriage she has spoke with a mutual friend about it.
She seemed annoyed that I had done it and said that if there was anyway I was going to win her back that wasn't the way to go about it. She said that the only way back was for her to reconnect with the "old Kyle" and not this needy and desperate person I've become. She went on to say that she feels she doesn't love me anymore and validated that by saying that if I was to start seeing someone else she doesn't think it would bother her.
And the theme of this site is what? Do you, become the best Kyle you can, become the man only a fool would love..
She just told you to do (I'm surprised she told you btw) exactly what we have been telling you to do... I see so much hope for your sitch in the fact she told you that, but I am also very concerned that you are only going to focus on doing everything to get her back. Understand this, you need to do it for yourself, DO NOT think to yourself that if you do this, this and this she will comeback to me, that will not get you where you need to be.
Do it for you or everything you do with her in mind will only attach you to her more. If you want to be happy with her, you HAVE to be happy with YOU..
Back off and give her space, do not contact her other than about child, let her initiate all conversations, and use your time becoming a better you. Make sure you read the validation link cadet gave you, do not tell her how you feel about anything, just validate her feelings. Kyle, it's hard, but understand you will probably lose her if you don't listen to what everyone (even her) is telling you.
So give space, validate and GAL.
Go to meetup.com, find things going on in your area and go do them, try things you never thought you would, you might find a new passion in life, and passion is sexy. I highly recommend you try meditation, it's something new for me, and is immensely helpful for me, I never would of thought I would like it, but I love it.
You can do this bud.
I have an update. After my relapse yesterday and trying to get her to fight for our marriage she has spoke with a mutual friend about it.
She seemed annoyed that I had done it and said that if there was anyway I was going to win her back that wasn't the way to go about it. She said that the only way back was for her to reconnect with the "old Kyle" and not this needy and desperate person I've become. She went on to say that she feels she doesn't love me anymore and validated that by saying that if I was to start seeing someone else she doesn't think it would bother her.
Please listen to what Coconut said. I WISH I knew my wife felt the way yours did. Of course, it also validates the first rule. To NOT try to talk your wife into seeing things your way, because it'll validate her choice. The hardest thing to realize is that your thoughts, essentially, don't matter.
She didn't say it directly to me and it was something said to a mutual friend but does she expect that message to get back to me? I'm also concerned by her saying that if I was to hook up with someone that it wouldn't bother her, feels like she is trying to validate doing it herself.
Please listen to what Coconut said. I WISH I knew my wife felt the way yours did. Of course, it also validates the first rule. To NOT try to talk your wife into seeing things your way, because it'll validate her choice. The hardest thing to realize is that your thoughts, essentially, don't matter.
RSG, one thing you will learn is they all follow a script. Your W does feel like his, she just hasn't said it to you. She's M to you, and is the mother of your child, she wants you two to work, she just doesn't see her being happy with who you are, or herself, but as you become a new you (for you) she will take notice, she will start to make changes on herself eventually (I've seen my W do it, little things but changes to better our family).
But your changes HAVE to be for you, if not, she will know. my W said multiple times to me that she thinks/thought my changes were to get her back, but when I stopped bragging about my changes, and started doing things she didn't know about, because she wasn't around, but somehow found out about she realized that I wasn't doing them just for her. I'm not to far into this whole thing, only two months, but I'm still constantly trying to find things for me because I want to find something for me that I can become truly passionate about.
And I will add that when she is talking to people about her decision and the general situation she seems confident she's done the right thing and that she doesn't love me anymore.
Dammit Kyle, stop eating yourself up about what she thinks... She mentioned about you getting her back and your only looking at ways she wants out.
Worry about you, you can't change her... Go out for a walk, clear your head, then come back and post here what your short term goals are for you this week...
She doesn't want the current you, you can't convince her otherwise... What are you gonna do to make you a better man, come back and let us know. Focus on three things, what exercise are you gonna do this week, what social activity are you gonna do this week, and what are you gonna do spiritually this week (meditation, church, etc).
I wish I could see a transcript of this script lol!
I've thoroughly decided to choose happiness. Each day is a new opportunity, whether I have my son for the day or not. I know of plenty of things I can do that I hadn't been because I put family first. I recall she's said in the past that I don't do much, so she'll be surprised to see me out and about.
I'm working to make each day fun for me. I have hope for my marriage and my family, but I know it starts with ME!!
Hi Kyle , I hope it's ok to post. All this is a huge shock for you and you need time to accept what is happening to you.
Right now , your W is done , nothing you do ( right now ) will bring her back. She didn't make this choice overnight and she won't change her mind overnight
You need to read Cadets homework and start to accept that the old M is over.
A lot of what your W is saying is script and even you saying she will not change her mind is what we all think about our WAS
The reality is you have a great opportunity to work on you. Become the best you that you can be. Take up hobbies that maybe you never had time for , become the best dad the world has ever seen This is Kyles time to grow.
as long as you are looking to W for her reaction to your changes then the changes will not be real and she will see that.
We all struggle to accept our new reality , none of us were in abusive Rs , we all love our WAS or we wouldn't be on here but the sooner we accept what's happened and move forward with a plan , the sooner we live our lives as we should
All the above is said to get you to live your life. W is on her journey so Kyle can sit like a puppy waiting for her to decide what she's wants or Kyle can improve and use the gift of time your W has given you and thrive IF that brings W back then great but if not you have gained from this and become the Kyle you always should have been
Just my humble opinion , take care. Rd
Dammit Kyle, stop eating yourself up about what she thinks... She mentioned about you getting her back and your only looking at ways she wants out.
Worry about you, you can't change her... Go out for a walk, clear your head, then come back and post here what your short term goals are for you this week...
She doesn't want the current you, you can't convince her otherwise... What are you gonna do to make you a better man, come back and let us know. Focus on three things, what exercise are you gonna do this week, what social activity are you gonna do this week, and what are you gonna do spiritually this week (meditation, church, etc).
Kyle, I just wanted to let you know this was tough love, I know reading words can sometimes be difficult to interpret meaning, but I wanted to make it clear I'm not frustrated or mad at u. I just understand how hard it is to get through all of this and want to do anything I can to help you understand what will be best for you in the long run.
You will make it through this, time is such a great healer.
I've decided to go out with a few friends tonight, there is football on (soccer for my American friends) so I'm going to have a couple of beers and try to unwind. Tomorrow is a new day and no plans for it as yet
I've decided to go out with a few friends tonight, there is football on (soccer for my American friends) so I'm going to have a couple of beers and try to unwind. Tomorrow is a new day and no plans for it as yet
So my attempts at going out with friends as failed miserably. Spent the majority of the night being reminded of my wife and crying. I didn't realise how weak I was until now.
Kyle, your not weak, your hurt. It's natural, took my about two weeks to stop crying uncontrollably, but getting out does help. If your not able to go with friends, at least get outdoors by yourself, nature is an unbelievable soother, it really helps. Is there a park or somewhere you can go just to walk around?
It's been 6 weeks and the tears just haven't stopped, you would think I would have got it out of my system by now. I don't really have a park but I have the white cliffs of Dover on my doorstep.
It's been 6 weeks and the tears just haven't stopped, you would think I would have got it out of my system by now. I don't really have a park but I have the white cliffs of Dover on my doorstep.
No it's 1am here, don't think it's wise to be walking around cliffs this time of night. I have decided I'm going to go an buy myself some new clothes tomorrow though, couldn't tell you the last time I did it
Yeah, feels good to get new clothes, especially when you've lost some weight... Probably good idea to not cliff walk at night, you might end up cliff diving.
Have you been getting any sleep? I had no idea you 6 weeks in, if your not getting sleep that will lead to the emotional breakdowns... If your not, try Benadryl, my doctor told me two of those is the best thing, and they really work.
Yeah I'm falling asleep okay but waking up early, as soon as I open my eyes my brain starts ticking and I can't shut it back off.
Yeah I'm falling asleep okay but waking up early, as soon as I open my eyes my brain starts ticking and I can't shut it back off.
Hi Kyle
No shame in that, your going through a emotional time, it took me all my energy just to get out of bed this morning, even thou I'm on holiday with my 3 kids! Tough times, keep strong mate, you are not alone!
Yeah I'm falling asleep okay but waking up early, as soon as I open my eyes my brain starts ticking and I can't shut it back off.
I'd advise you to read Divorce Remedy. It will give you some peace of mind, establish clear goals and help you focus on yourself rather than what she's doing. I'm on day 8. Haven't cried for 4 straight days. If you need a little more motivation, here's some: If you're in a rut 24/7 and whenever she contacts you, she sees you broken down, it'll validate her choice because THAT is who she THINKS she's leaving.
I think I've come to the realisation today that my marriage as I knew it is over and if I'm honest I don't think I want to go back to how it was. When I take stock of everything it was quite one sided and I was the one doing the majority of the work.
If me and my wife were to reconcile I think drastic changes are required from both of us and if shes not willing to do that then I honestly think I would be back here again a year down the line.
My wife phoned me moments ago as the lady who looks after our children mornings and afternoon while she goes to work has cancelled indefinitely.
She was phoning to see if myself or my parents could help from time to time with picking the kids up from school to help her out. I kept the conversation purely focused on the topic at hand and offered whatever help I could (not much as my work hours do not allow it). Is it wrong of me to feel slightly glad that she is struggling without me?
My wife phoned me moments ago as the lady who looks after our children mornings and afternoon while she goes to work has cancelled indefinitely.
She was phoning to see if myself or my parents could help from time to time with picking the kids up from school to help her out. I kept the conversation purely focused on the topic at hand and offered whatever help I could (not much as my work hours do not allow it). Is it wrong of me to feel slightly glad that she is struggling without me?
Yes, it is wrong.... Because your thinking about her and not you and your S. Set a plan so you and W know who's picking him up, don't use your son as an excuse to reach out to her...
Your six weeks in Kyle, you really need to stop what your doing, accept what is going on and turn your focus on you. Also, is there any chance you have depression, have you talked to your doctor, if you have depression get treatment, you need to be of sound mind.
Don't keep on the path your on, it will not end up where you want, turn all of your focus on you and your son.. it's a good path, you just got to do it.
Very early on I sought out my doctor and was placed on anxiety meds which have now run their course and I have not been prescribed anymore, I am also 2 sessions in to counselling but they seem to be very much focused around my wife.
I fully intend to be there for my children at any opportunity but unfortunately my work situation means I can't offer any support with regards to picking them up and dropping them off at school.
I've also spent a lot of time looking through posts on here and have noticed so many differences in my story to that of other people.
I have noticed that a lot of the folks on here are still living under the same roof as their spouse and because of this are maintaining some degree of contact. I also have no evidence of an EA or PA whatsoever nor do I believe there is. I guess I'm just trying to say I'm struggling to relate
Kyle,
You may want to read my threads.
No EA/PA,
She moved out about 2 months after the BD.
Our only contact is related to my d5 and that is barely, because she can not be grown up enough to have a conversation about that.
Anyway, I have not read your entire story, but trust me my friend. There are enough similarities to someones story here to match yours.
It is very much like a set scripts with minor differences.
One thing I'm struggling with is the fact that I'm convinced she still loves me, it might not be a passionately as before but I have a sense it's still there. Because of this feeling I'm struggling not to self destruct, I know I need to give her space and I know what I should and shouldn't talk about, I know I need to prepare for worse and focus on me but the temptation to reach out to her is overpowering
I've also spent a lot of time looking through posts on here and have noticed so many differences in my story to that of other people.
I have noticed that a lot of the folks on here are still living under the same roof as their spouse and because of this are maintaining some degree of contact. I also have no evidence of an EA or PA whatsoever nor do I believe there is. I guess I'm just trying to say I'm struggling to relate
Once the story of the separation is finished, the trials and tribulations are pretty similar for those left behind it seems. My wife hasn't had any type of affair, but I have barely seen her for an hour in 8 days. I can't eliminate her because she's our son's mother, but I'm not fixated on her. If anything, my energy is going to my son and to getting myself better. If the woman knows, or feels like, they are the only source of your happiness, you won't have much chance to talk let alone reconcile.
You've got to accept what she's done, which [censored], but find a place where you can heal.
I appreciate everyone's responses I really do.
I guess I find it weird to let go of these feelings because I can't see how that could possibly lead to us reconciling. I just feel like if none of us is fighting then our marriage will slowly die.
What SadHub says is way too true, Kyle. There is nothing new under the sun. I once though my sitch was "different," too. It's the same old stuff, different couple, slight variations.
Our spouses say and do things that are so similar that it is downright scary. I've heard things from my H's mouth that might well have been written down in a play. You've heard those same phrases, too. You just haven't been here long enough to recognize the script, I'm sorry to say.
My H told me that he felt inferior to me! Well, a lot of other people have heard the same exact thing. He said he had no identity outside of being my husband. Guess what? Lots of people have heard the same thing.
So what am I trying to say... you are in good company, with people who are right there in the same boat as you, or who are may be a few lengths ahead in the flotilla. Try hard to listen to what they are saying.
Fighting for your M in any way that is all obvious, is pursuit. Pursuing someone who is already scared and distancing is the worst thing you can do. "Fight" for your marriage by working on yourself and letting your wife do what she needs to do on her own.
I know it's hard. I'm struggling, too.
Are there many success stories from the community? It's difficult to gauge because I'm guessing once reconciled there isn't much need to keep coming back here.
Kyle, yes, there are many success stories. I am one of them. However, it takes a very, very long time--time to let go of the M, time to focus on yourself, and then even more time to build a new M with someone that has hurt you. I think you are correct tho, that people may less often post when the are back together. I read here for a very long time, but just started posting a year into piecing.
Your sitch may feel different than others, but there appears to be more similarities than differences: your spouse has given up, you are devastated, and you are desperately wanting to get her back, which often leads to pushing them further away. That is ALL of us and that is WHY we are here, A or no A, co-living or not, and kids or no kids. You are the LBS and you want your M back. Period.
I agree with what all of the other posters are saying! Coconut is the perfect example of someone that came here, started posting, got hit over the head with a million 2*4s, he started to accept and implement the DB principles, his W did a 180, and now he is here giving you advice. So listen to him, please.
What we are asking you to do may feel impossible, but it is really the only chance you have, if there is a chance. She is gone so let her go. You cannot control her, you cannot win her back, and you cannot obsess over her and mind read. All of that only pushes her further away. She has even told you that!
Let her go. Accept that it is over. I know it's devastating and you want to come back here to win her back. That was all of us. But you cannot. The only thing you can do, is become a better you. Find your strength, find your confidence, and try and be the best man you can be. Wake up each morning and start over. Over time if you can do this--detach, GAL, do your 180s--she will most likely notice. It is only then that she may find herself interested in you again.
For some folks it takes weeks, some months, and in my sitch a year. So no, you cannot "fight for your marriage," but you can fight for yourself and learn to be the best man you can be.
So hold your head up high, let her go, and learn to love yourself again. One day she, or someone else, WILL notice if you can really do it. That is the person that deserves your love and attention.
Go and read Sandi's rules--maybe read them everyday--and start there. Wake up each morning and start over. Over time this will get easier.
-Blu
Kyle, my wife had an EA with kissing.. We are reconciling. Are we a success, I don't know yet, we are having a great day today, but there are bad days too, the thing is I'm happy with me... That's what is important, that I get to make my own decisions about what I want...
I started out in distraught and despair, but now I'm me, and I truly believe that's why I'm where I am. Do I want to fully reconcile? I don't fully know yet, but I will get to make that decision, because unbelievably, I'm coming into a place where I am gonna make the decision that is best for me... It's where you need to get. If you wanna read my story, just click on my name and then click view posts.
Go to
Re: My story job(4) page 2 I believe I have some links to success stories. I can't seem to copy the links Here for some reason. Sit down and read some.
So mornings are definitely the hardest time for me at the moment, I wake up and start analysing everything.
I'm going to head out the shops shortly to get myself something to wear to my friends wedding next week then I'm picking my girls up to take them to a fun fair, I'm dreading seeing my wife.
Hey KyleR, i too felt my sich was diff. My W didnt act or speak like how others were describing theirs i was so sure i could save my M too that is until i noticed from my W the same patterns emerging again and again.
Now im just trying to detach and focus on what i need to do for me and my son. Its hard cause my W is still in the same house and same bed so somedays im fooled into thinking everything is normal, that this is fine, we can work this out, then get dashed as the W is all along thinking about getting away from you, another man (OM), doesnt want you etc.
I can't imagine how difficult it must be to share a bed with your W while going through this situation. I must say I'm truly inspired by the strength people show on this forum.
I can't imagine how difficult it must be to share a bed with your W while going through this situation. I must say I'm truly inspired by the strength people show on this forum.
This is a quote from your W:
This isn't something that we can work through Kyle. I'm beyond that point, I don't want a relationship that I have to fight for. It isn't what I want and it would be unfair of me to pretend otherwise.
I'd like to draw a line under things and move on without all of this, constantly bringing things back up. Please.
She doesn't want a R she has to fight for? Why does she feel that she had to fight for the R? B/c of the financial struggles? B/c of of wear and tear of daily life? B/c of moving in with her parents?
Has their ever been a time where either of you had inappropriate communication or contact with the opposite sex? Texts, emails, pictures, on-line activity, flirty behavior, etc.
In all honesty I know my wife and no amount of positive change I make for myself is going to change her mind. Once she has something in her head she doesn't back down.
Okay, fair enough I guess. Even though she did say that she would be interested in the old Kyle. I'd take a wild guess that she was referring to the guy you were when she fell in love with you.
Maybe you can't be that carefree, or bad boy again b/c now you have responsibilities that must come first. I bet it's the guy you used to be inside, that she would be attracted to again.
Getting together so young in life, can change a person rather quickly from the way they were in their late teens-early twenties. Although, she has two children, she is probably still growing up.......and maybe you, too. I think most of us are still growing up during our twenties plus years.
I went through something similar to your W during the first couple of years in my M. I had unmet expectations, disappointments in my H, faced financial hardship, postpartum depression, and basically thought I had lost my feelings for my H. I realized afterwards that I wanted back the guy I had before M.
I think you should challenge what she has said......and frankly, challenge yourself, by finding the old Kyle again (if you liked him). And I'll tell you something else. When you stop pressuring her by trying to persuade her to give the M another chance......and you let go and start enjoying life without her.........then we'll see just how much she is ready for you to move on without her. We'll see how much she's ready to fight for a R, when she feels she is the one being dumped.
You see, she is the one in charge right now. She has the power, so to speak. It's b/c she dumped you. A funny thing about humans is when they feel they have been the one dumped, for some reason discover they want the person who dumped them. This is often true in MR's.
You may wonder how this could be turned around, since she was the one to walk out. First of all, no more pursuing. (Are you following the 37 rules?). Act as if you have had an awakening (and I hope you have). Jump into carving out a life for you and your little girls. Take advantage of the times you don't have the kids over, and do all those things you use to enjoy when you were single. I am not telling you to get out and start chasing women! There are other ways of getting a life. Did you have a favorite hobby, liked sports, music, etc. what did you do in your spare time? You may never have another opportunity to be free enough to just do whatever you want. This is the time to discover new interests.
Instead of being focused all about her, and putting emotional pressure on her..........put focus on you and what you want. I can garantee you that it is a waste of time to press her about the M. Just back completely away. Stop talking to mutual friends, hoping they will intervene. Trust me, once you leave her alone and stop the pursuit, and you start GAL.........she'll know all right! And, if you are rather mysterious about your activities (especially who you are with), she will be very curious.
You must stop with the sad, lonely puppy routine, b/c this only turns her off. Don't try to make her feel guilty. If she returns out of guilt......it will not be the MR you want. She has to see/hear that you are not the same, and that you are happy! You may not understand how a woman's mind operates, but this is exactly what will cause her to question herself as to making the right decision. If you play your cards right, I definitely believe she will "fight" for a new MR with you.
BTW, if finances are tight, who paid for her little trip she took? Did she use money out of the savings? You may want to consider how to fairely divide the money in the accounts, if you haven't already. I'm sure you want to protect the savings you had toward a house.
Has there been a financial agreement?
Thanks for your post Sandi I found it really uplifting and positive to my situation. I will try to respond in 2 parts.
Firstly our relationship has been difficult since getting married, we have constant money worries and paid for the wedding pretty much all on credit which is still hanging over us. It felt like money was coming in one hand and out the other and we don't really have anything to show for it. There was also a constant struggle with childcare, both of us working full time and not really having any time for the children. I have a potential redundancy hanging over me too which could see me out of work in a few months. There has never been inappropriate communications with the opposite sex as far as I'm aware, I can say for certain on my part but I can't be 100% with my wife as I've never found out if there was.
With regards to her comments about the "old Kyle" I have changed a lot since having children. I used to be very social and would always go out with my wife to bars etc, people have said to me that I used to be the life and soul of the party and was someone that people would naturally gravitate too as I was confident, friendly and approachable, always making jokes etc. Now I have little interest in that as my idea of a good Saturday night is spent with my kids and feel guilty if I had a hang over the next day because it's unfair on them.
If I'm honest there are qualities of my old self that I would love to get back, I used to be so carefree and nothing ever fazed me but now I must admit I worry about every little thing. Even if it's things I can't control I will worry and saying this now I realise that it is not an attractive trait in somebody.
Kyle,
Everything you just said is very in line with the challenges I have faced. Money was an issue for the first half of my MR.
I was carefree until having our first child. Staying home became more important to me.
As for becoming the person I was when we first met? This was a challenge my DB coach asked me about the first time. You can review my thread a couple of days ago and see my current view on that. But I also understand the value of trying to grab back some of who I was.
Money can be a big burden for a MR, and some say it is the number one reason couples divorce. I think it is simply a symptom as the real reason is deeper than that. Many couple that struggle financially stay together. But that is a topic for another time.
My point is your story matches many of ours, and your goal now should be to continue to search in you the traits that you can take accountability for and improve. And hold on to the traits that you have that are good, like being a great father and spending quality time with the kids.
Be well today my friend.
So I picked my kids up today and my wife looked like she has made no attempt with her personal appearance, she was still in slouchy clothes and hair was a mess (was 1:30pm). She was really warm and friendly with me, even sharing a joke with me, I left there with my head spinning. I just can't understand her demeanor or read her at all.
Rule of DB
Believe nothing she says ad only half of what she does.
It keeps the head from spinning. A spinning head creates thought patterns that do not benefit.
Focus on the kids for today.
It will slow the spinning.
It's a hard thing to get into my head as myself and my W have always been so open and honest with each other.
Great day with the kids, just dropped them off which hurt because I won't see them now for just under 2 weeks.
When I arrived to the house she seemed happy but only gave me short responses to anything I said to her (was only talking about the kids and our day out).
Kyle, you'll find she's better at DBing than you are for awhile (especially detaching), except your GAL, being a great D and being level headed will outshine her in every way. For now, she doesn't want R talks and that's all you want, you are emotionally connected to her actions and she's not...
Just turn your focus on you over these next two weeks, get out everyday and do something. Spend time with family and friends.
Do not reach out to her unless it's regarding your son, but don't reach out for your son if your doing it just to talk to her.
I've got one goal for the next couple of weeks, I'm going to focus on studying for my driving theory test and try and get done. I'm still waiting for a driving instructor so at least this gives me a head start. I'm also going to get back in to playing football (soccer) is it was something I used to do quite frequently before I had my children.
Can I ask for some advice? I still have items in our home after 6 weeks of being out of the house should I take the lead and tell my wife that we need to sort out a time where I can come and collect everything? She seems happy to gloat by wife lots of my stuff still there
Can I ask for some advice? I still have items in our home after 6 weeks of being out of the house should I take the lead and tell my wife that we need to sort out a time where I can come and collect everything? She seems happy to gloat by wife lots of my stuff still there
Float by with lots of my stuff still there*
Depends, do you want the stuff so you have it, or just so she doesn't have it? If you want to get it to make her life more difficult then don't do it.
You shouldn't take any action because of her, anything you do should just be with you and your son in mind... You don't want to play games, it will not help you move forward.
It's not anything that will make her life hard, it's mainly clothes. The reason I haven't got it yet is because I honestly thought I'd be back home by now and didn't see the point in moving everything out to move it all back in again.
Please start a new thread.
Just find it odd that she is so certain it is over but has not done anything to remove me from the house if that makes sense. If I'm honest by taking my stuff out I think it will help me let go of our old R.