14 days of sheer hell, part 6, i think

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http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...;gonew=1#UNREAD

Very true darknes. very true. I'm giving up on this detachment thing. ITS BEEN TWO MONTHS!!

I just give up... so i'm going to rather just focus on myself - no ultimatums, no control, just going to drop the rope. Before i do that i need to secure my finances.

Need to move banks since WW works for the bank we bank at. WW wants to get a lawyer for the budget, as she actually has absolutely no disposable income. We're not divorced so everything must be split 50/50 until she files, if she does.

I'm then going to move out with my bro, hopefully first week in June, i must act now if i want to save myself, and perhaps (yeah right) my M. Yes, move out. Not to see what she does, as my mother would like to say. Rather to clear my head. Might be a month, maybe two.
Will do the 5/2 custody days and come "home" each evening to play and pray with our S before bedtime, so will see him for as long as i always do really. Probably even more since i'll have him whole wknd.

Should i tell the WW or just go?

I sincerely feel its the only way that I will be able to detach. Right now, i cannot see the trees for the woods. My eyes are wide shut. I need a fresh perspective of what i need to do to survive this!

So, have you agreed on this "custody plan"? I don't know why you would. Plantation go to 28%...I think it could come back to bite you later if things go south.

Plantation?!

"I don't know why you would want to...."

Well no custody plan really,just how things would work.

There was a major power swing last night. WW was temp checking for sex real bad. I fought her off for 15 mins. Then she temp checked to get back into MBR.

I said hell no. S was sleeping in MBR at time. I said if you stay I'm going to pull you out by your hair if I must. She said I'm going to wake your son. I start taking S out of bed to put in own room and she actually tries to wake him so that I can't take him out, and then her.
Luckily he's out. She then says bed in room not good, so I swap mattresses.

She I clearly upset about budget and bedroom. This is going to get alot more fragile as she clings to any cake. Any help with future confrontation pls.

It's now 4am again and I'm not going to fall asleep. This is my life now.

Can't believe that WW can be so selfish. I'd like to say that I deserve it, but no-one really does. I must stay strong. I must remove all cake and focus on me. That's an ironic last sentence hey.

Not sure what's going to happen on trip which leaves in 24 hours.but I gotta make the most of it. Not crying though strangely enough. Think it's because I know she's cheating and I'm not being helpless about things.

I'm thinking of hiding the recorder in the car trick for when she goes out later to a "friend for lunch". I need proof. Hardcore proof.

What do I do with the info once I have it tho...?

Stomach not good, gonna stay at home again and go to doc. Not a good week at all.

Do you need proof? i thought you made up your mind.

My mind is made up. I would like to debunk her lies to her.

I get how not focusing on her is meant to save me. So sad.

Over the last 7 weeks i would read some of the posts about the WWs that go down the road to cheat or move out instantly. I would pray that that would not happen to me. It has not happened to me, but it is happening.

I guess the past 7 weeks have helped me to understand the principles of GAL, validate and 180, for myself - so that I can use it now. I'm starting to get the boundaries thing and I think i stood nice and strong last night regarding the budget and MBR, and alcohol.

I need to be consistent, not to save my M, but to save myself. I know that but I also know that that's the hardest part. I will drift many times on the road to emancipation but at least I know where i'm going.

I know that these emotions are due to the transition from her EA, to one or could be many PAs. She's put off her plans to go for "lunch" today so we're both at home, as I am not in shape to go to work, not at all. Going to doc and asking for some light sleeping tabs. I fall asleep great, its waking at 4am that's the problem.

May God help us find our strength, during our time of despair. Amen

I've get the sleeping problems too. I've actually lost weight because of it. Yaay?

Ended up asking doc for something to help me sleep and got prescribed some xanax.

I just feel so lost, even though i know i'm not. its so strange really... I know that what she's doing is becos of the fog. It really just means that I have to live my life alone, and with our S for now.

I refer again to what Cadet posted to ahmed; most marriages are over at BD, only problem is that the LBS does not want to believe it.

I'm spinning a little as this all sinks in. Just gonna feel it. She was saying earlier that she misses being intimate with me - its now 12 days, the longest break in sex since we met!

The breaks just gonna get longer and longer until my feelings change hey :-) I'm looking forward to that day.

Huff, buddy, I hope you have a game plan, but it sure does seem to me you are using sex as a weapon. You are basically applying female warfare tactics.

As for your W wanting sex, women usually do not want to have sex with the husband, if they are getting it elsewhere. So your W wanting to have sex with you is IMO a good sign. I think (IMO) you should take one for the team.

I really do not see the harm here...

But as I said before, you know your W best...

LoL take one for the team.

I take it that the team is almost every LBH on here. Lol.

Screw that, I know what I'm worth.

The thing is that we used to have sex 3-4 times a week. If she's screwing other guys then she's just getting sex. Woman want more...

What a powerful weapon, when in the right pants. And I've always controlled that power in our R. Not gonna give up the security password tho.

Oh, just want written confirmation, the less I push her away with R speak, the less she'll run away to another man.

I seriously need to lose control. Thinking and doing are two different things...

I'm going to meet with a child mediator next week just to see if me deserting jeopardises any custody claim, if needed. Will aim for a 7/7 split if we ever get there but need to know my rights.

Originally Posted By: Vapo

As for your W wanting sex, women usually do not want to have sex with the husband, if they are getting it elsewhere. So your W wanting to have sex with you is IMO a good sign. I think (IMO) you should take one for the team.

I really do not see the harm here...

But as I said before, you know your W best...

DDJ - I can't speak for your sitch but in our marriage we have often gone weeks without sex. My WW has mobility and pain issues and sex while very important to me hasn't been a priority for her. I've rarely pushed for it.

However, sex is an act that will "bind" you to her and give her control over you and she will know that she has that control. Unless your sex is of the "wham bam" sort which would be counter-productive I think.

My opinion? Take a cold shower, think about losing football teams and keep your bloody pants on until you are SURE that she is looking to start piecing things back together. If you "take one for the team" - your team will lose.

On the other hand - I know that I would really struggle if my WW came to me with an offer of sex and just hope that I can be strong enough myself to make sure that she's not just trying to manipulate me because she KNOWS what it does to me.

Originally Posted By: DDJ

I just feel so lost

How about starting here:

Detach (from WW and lose control)
� Do not start 100% of all conversations
� Do not get drawn into 100% of all possible arguments
� Do not check Tracker when my WW is out
� Keep my phone off when my WW is out
� Consciously remove control over others when I interact with them
� Do not react to anything anyone says or does, pause and then consider my response

Improve myself (GAL)
� I need to go to gym at least 3 to 4 days a week. My gym bag must remain in the car so that I can simply state that �I�m going out�.
� I need to stop eating junk-food, and actually start eating. I need to keep healthy snacks to boost my nutrition.
� I need to get out every day that I can, even if it�s a drive to sit somewhere and soak up nature. I need to try and see more live sports and spend time with my long lost family and friends.

Understand boundaries and implement some
� I think that I�m starting to get what boundaries are. The big emotional one will be no intimacy with my WW. The longer I can keep her off me, the stronger I will get. I will know that I will have achieved it if the day to sign the D papers come and I�ve still not given off.

Appreciate the little things

� I think that here I need to affirm my WW whenever she does anything that is not selfish, and is her going out of her way for me, or our son. Perhaps hitting 100% of affirmations, and understanding where I did not.

I don't think that I'll ever want To touch my WW again to be honest. This is too emotional for me to even think about sex. I've not not had sex in more than 14 years. I need to know how this feels. I really want to try for 6 months. Screw piecing. I'm NOT doing it for me.

I have an excel sheet for my goals on a daily basis. sometimes I hit 15 out of 19, sometimes as low as 9, which was her bday. But I learn everyday.

So my mother is sleeping over cos we gotta be at airport at 5am. WW does not want to be in her company as is expected.

So what is she doing, bought a bottle of wine and going to OM2 for the rest of the evening. No idea when she will be back

Seriously,I'd rather take up necrophilia, before I have sex with her again. At least I'll get more of a pulse!

One more thing. I am seriously repulsed by my WW. I won't share a cup with her. Maybe it's a defence mechanism. Not sure, but it helps me to physically detach.

Well it is to be expected (the repulsion I mean)... She seriously bought a bottle of wine and gone to OM2?!?

You want nothing to do with your wife, but you're going on vacation with her?

Interesting.

DDJ,

I hope you have a good trip in spite of the WW. I hope you're able to get your mind off of the marital stuff for a while.

Have fun!

@dream, my son and mother are going and tickets were bought in Dec already. So either mother and I don't go and throw away thousands or WW makes a choice if she wants to go. It is her life and she decided to. Some doubt from her today tho.

I already told her that we are not a couple and I will not play happy family with her. She said she'd spend time with our son.

@Vapo, how else can you show disrespect for your MIL... But she never went, I asked her if she could stay in respect of my mother and she sort of cancelled the plans, tho I think OM2 was not available. She's now drinking a bottle of wine alone in the room.

@doodler. It's been 11 years of drinking, I have no idea what a wknd away without alcohol or sex is like. But I've got to experience things in a new light.

So WW had to run again last night. Left after 10 and came back after 12. We're almost on the plane and she even drank as she awoke after 4am.

I'd be ashamed for her, but at least I know this is the last vacation with her for a long time, if ever again. I'm looking forward to relaxing. I need a break.

Just had the most traumatic experience ever! We get to the passport counter and they need my sons birth certificate. That is at home in another province and the plane leaves in 20 minutes. Officer says not a chance we're going. WW says she'll stay with son in other city for holiday period. I get extremely emotional. I still am as I type this.

This means I'm going with my mother only and half of the money is thrown away.i cannot see myself going without her and my son. This was a dream holiday turning into a nightmare. I wanted to use this wknd to detach but to spend with my son too. If she had just stayed I don't know if I would have been that upset. Perhaps. They eventually let us all aboard. All in tears including my mother.

Still have a long way to go before I can control my emotions, for now I will continue to focus on my actions.

Oh, and I made the final interview for the job, for Thurs. This is destiny.

So theres no TV here, no free WiFi. Actually fantastic. Just have an hour WiFi a day so I can focus on my family, besides the WW.

Feeling better about this afternoons plane incident. Was just over emotional.

Oh and WW put on her wedding rings again. I asked her why, she said she missed it. I said like you missed me last night when you ran to spend time with OM2? Don't judge, she can't really run here now can she...?

I'm feeling good. I know what I need to do to distance myself as much as possible. I feel confident that I can do this. Plus the upcoming interview is keeping me smiling and loving life.

Will update when my hour hits again tomorrow. I really needed this break.

DDJ, glad to hear seeming tragedy has evaporated and your are on a positive swing now.

Please be very cautious on this trip, don't let everyone's emotions be a recipe for disaster. Keep detached from her, but make sure S4 always sees you as being respectful to her.

Stay away from booze even if you see WW overindulging. Focus on S4 and make it a memorable time for him to remember with Daddy and Gradma. If mommy joins in all the better.

You and your family are in my prayers.

Thx igr8dad. S is loving it. I keep reiterating the physical boundary between WW and I and she keeps not listening.

I'm sober now 19 days and will not give up on my beliefs for a woman again. Never.

WW is upset that I discussed upcoming budget split. She gonna ruin her own holiday.

I told her it's not to be vindictive, just that I cannot support her financially anymore. I will look after my needs.

So WW wakes up this morning and says, "why am I doing what I'm doing?". I ask "what are you doing?" she says, "the going out and the partying, why am I doing that?". I said "i don't know why you're doing it, but it is your choice".

Later at breakfast, she asks if I've reconsidered the whole budget thing. I say no, I made my decision a few days ago and now I'm sticking to it.

So in terms of dropping her. I have dropped her physically and intimately. I have dropped her financially. There is only one drop left... Emotionally.

I need to move out for myself, not indefinitely, just to get some breathing space and a different perspective. I do not need to be around someone that does not care for me.

Off to the falls to zipline. Sooo excited! Dinner cruise on the zambezi tomorrow evening. What a great holiday.

The zipline was insane, went down with my mother and WW went by herself. Was nice bonding with my mother.

I'm feeling real good about the future. Heard my XGF and I official song and was thinking of how I threw away two and a half years of her life. I kept throwing hooks and she kept biting. I just simply dropped her when I met my WW.

That was a good distraction... WiFi on again and first call by WW again to OM2, still in earshot and still friends. Very flirty though tonight. Anxiety kicking in. Taking it in. Breathing.

I feel sad for her, I've distanced so much during this trip. She does appear a bit lost. Yes, that's attachment speaking and I know that it will pass. She's not come onto me yet, so I'm happy that my boundaries are made clear.

It's going to be back to the rut on Monday night so hopefully I can keep this calm demeanour.

I'd like to dedicate this post to my mother. She's the strongest person I know. She had a WH, became a WAS in the second marriage.

She is the rock that is helping me to find myself. She gave me the values and the morals which I chose to turn a blind eye to, but is there now to remind me who I really am.

Last night I put our son to sleep. My WW was passed our from the alcohol. She slept in the lounge so that I did not have to sleep in the same room as my WW. She is the apitomy of unconditional love.

Thank you God for great parents. I know that I will be one too.

Mother are great a setting you back on track, lost mine in 2006 but she still gives me strength!

Sorry to hear, but very true Blueboy, what they stand for cannot be lost in death.

Just an update on my goals; it's been 8 weeks since BD...

4 weeks since i dropped porn
3 weeks since i dropped alcohol
2 weeks since i dropped sex

I feel like a new person. A person with purpose and more in control of myself, and less in control of others.

So here's my update from my most fantabulous holiday...

I felt as though I went with a work colleague. The closest she got was a stolen kiss on my naked shoulder - i guess it's an overly flirtatious colleague then.

On the plane back, she sat next to me, looked me in the eyes (with hers looking real lost), slowly rubbed the stubble on my chin (as she's done forever), and said "I miss you". I looked deep into her eyes and I said, "I know". I then pulled my face away and looked the other way. I know i've come a real long way... too far too soon perhaps?

I know that God has put this challenge in my life so that I can turn a vicious cycle virtuous. I feel that God is trying to tell me that I need to leave my WW behind whilst I find myself and move forward. This does not mean D, it's just dropping her and focusing on myself and what makes me happy.
Who knows where that will take me, all that I do know is that my M and R is over. A new one can be reborn, but not before both of us find ourselves and solidify what we stand for. Who knows? God does.

As I posted on AndrewPs thread, i'm going to spend less time here to issue 2x4's to myself, through posting on other peoples threads. Counter-intuitive. LOL

I am yet to go to al-anon as i've been busy on sundays, but am going to make a plan for Sunday at 3pm. I think that it will be good for the spirit.

DDJ just caught up on your posts. Sounds like you did exceedingly well. I've read about a guided separation that can even be administered by a minister of a church. Google it and maybe consider it.

You strength and self control during this trip is admirable btw.
Thanks for sharing your days.

Good luck!

thx 1gr8dad.

My anxiety came back a little this morning on the way to work and now during a meeting. I know exactly where it comes from though - i was thinking about her. I was thinking how my life would be without the person that I pledged my entire being to.

It makes me sad. But i know where it comes from and I know how to walk away from that place. Focus on me, be in the moment. Be myself with myself. I do not need a WW to make me whole.

I've decided to not take the meds that the doctor gave me. If i am going to beat this then i need to be of a sober mind. I prayed for a good nights rest before i went to sleep. I awoke at 5am, mind racing, tummy grumbling from hunger. I knew that a hungry tummy would not allow me to sleep. I went to the kitchen, ate an apple quickly. Then lay in bed and focused on my breathing whilst humming a song in my head - no space for WW. I quickly feel asleep. As I was getting done for work, I closed my eyes and thanked God for the sleep, I cried so happy I was for the blessing of sleep.

Appreciate the little things hey.

DDJ,

I'm sorry to hear about your anxiety, but it sounds like you've got it under control. Keep up the good work!

Hey doodler, still a little anxiety whenever I think of her and the past. But i fully comprehend where its coming from and why.

I removed her from my life insurance beneficiary today... being worth alot of money when dead and having a broke wife who doesn't care about you is looking for trouble. Was emotional because i was thinking about how she must be feeling, that she could be losing everything for a (very long) moment of madness. But then i sit and think, what is best for me.

I'm going to put the house on my name soon and that is going to be another nail in the M, and R coffin. But i need this doodler, I need this more than I needed anything in my life. I need to lose my co-dependency for my WW so that I can live the life that I dreamt about and hopefully one day I will find that fool that won't leave me. It might be her, I won't cross my fingers - those are pointing forwards.

Well yesterday was the best day i've had in terms of DB'ing for myself, not to save my M. I think that thats where we go wrong, we're told to save ourselves whilst trying to save our M, thats way too confusing. I think we should save ourselves first, then consider if we still want to be married, and if THEY are even interested - then work on a R, then M.

I hit 17 out of 19 objectives, including not being on the forum for more than 2 hours in total for the day. WW and I exchanged about 8 emails, 6 TMs and she called me once. We spoke face to face for about 5 minutes in total the entire day.

This morning I was planning on avoiding her totally, not even a goodbye, but our S awoke and she came out of her room. Still never said goodbye. I must be alone, I must feel like she's not there. The day is coming and I need to be prepared. I have still not had anxiety for the day but cried a tiny bit in the car for a song entitled "runaway love".

She hasn't run to OM2 yet, but that could happen tonight so I need to prepare myself mentally for it. As I lay awake last night, I was thinking about God; I always thought that He was existential, I would never find him, I didn't want to. Then about 3 weeks after BD I prayed sooo hard for my M, i closed my eyes and I could see an outline of a person, with a halo type thing around his/her head. I knew that I had seen Him.

If we are to give ourselves and our destiny to this Higher Power then so be it. I cannot control the things that happen to me, but I can control my actions.

Now this is interesting - don't leave me hanging doodler...

WW comes home, as she pulls in, she pulls the car out again. Comes back, opens the door and says "Hello roomy", with food for herself, which she must cook. She does not even look at me, as the entrance has a wall between the dining room where i'm sitting. She's going to cook for our S tonight so i don't need to worry.

I don't like the roomy phrase, but i'll take it until she moves out. I think she may just stop temp checking, but lets see. I'm feeling good.

oooh, she's also driving the VW and not the Volvo out now. Big steps on the road to autonomy for both of us.

A friend just asked me if me if i took my WW out of this "new" life when I met her 10 and a half years ago. I actually did.

She would get drunk when she wanted to, go out with whom she wanted to, sleep around when she wanted to, and most importantly flirt with every single guy she could.

I got her broken, tried to fix her, but she stayed broken. Good extrospection.

Wow DDJ!
That is really tough to overcome. If she isn't willing to look inward and handle her own issues then there is not much you can do. It seems like this has been going on for a long time I'm assuming.
Hang in there, sounds like you are doing well
But I must admit it also sounds like you are trying to push your W out of your head and tell yourself you have every reason to leave her
As my life coach told me. That can be easier sometimes to move on, but could I be truthful with myself 1 year, 5 years, or even 20 years from now and tell myself that I truly tried 100% to save my marriage. I can't control my W's actions, but I certainly can control mine

It's an insane aspect to understand no doubt. Ideally she needed someone that could stop her from continuing her inwardly wayward ways before they exploded outwards. Not a chance that I could have been that guy back then, was not strong enough. Getting stronger everyday.

Thats the other thing tho cbtdad, i'm not trying to push my WW away. Im trying to focus on myself. Nothing at all to save my M, or even a R. Nothing at all. What must be will be. I'm pushing her out of the house so that I can be alone for the first time in my life. But I'm not pushing her out of my life or head.

I need to find myself as much as she does. Get my life in order, rebuild and then see what happens. By giving up on her, i'm not giving up on my M, i'm saying that I have no control, i'm giving her the space to find herself. And for me to find myself too.

Am so failing at my goals today, initiating convo, snooped on her phone, not even in, just the notification on top as her phone has a pin lock, but notifications still comes up... in the one from her female BFF, it said "just because you're f-cking doesn't mean..." Context is lost, but the mind gets lost in the context. LOL.

Before i even give darknes and dream an opportunity. NOTHING.HAS.CHANGED.

And i really don't feel anxious at all. Nothing has changed on my side either, she could fly to the moon and back for me and I still wont change my long term goal - DETACH.

My entire wknd was planned yesterday already, in which i will probably see her for about 3 hours from Fri to sunday evening. Actually going to try and time the time that we're in the same space together. Will be a nice exercise.

Today was also the first time ever that we had absolutely no contact from 6-30am until 5pm. She said that she wanted to see if I cared... About myself yes, and my son.

still failing today - runaway bride again. Told her that I still plan to put the house on my name next month and want a 1 year separation.

Probably too soon, so dream and darknes pls come visit me. I don't think that there was ever a right time to tell her this tho. I seriously want the 1 year apart, as I've said, its not for her - it's for me. Thinking about how she feels about this is giving me second thoughts, which means that my first thought is the most correct one.

Not that emotional, which is also probably not a good thing either. Anyhows, the interview is tomorrow so i'm gonna try and get a good nights rest.

Pls pray for me, and for God to bless me with the job.

Question - why do you need to tell her anything?

Let it be.

Do your thing.

It's still me trying to care about her feelings, ease her into things. I know that I can't do anything about them tho. They are hers. But I'm trying to be considerate.

Oh and I finished that TM... Just cos you f-cking doesn't mean that you don't love him.

4 hours sleep down, I guess another half day unpaid is needed for the interview. God really does test a person. I will not fall. I will stand for what is right!

So she just came in, sent me a couple of TMS whilst I was sleeping. Some mambo about how I can do a separation without talking to her blah blah blah.

Not even worth dissecting. Guess it's all noise really. Gonna delete them now.

Am a bit anxious, more tired than anything else. I made it thru her bday (barely). I can make it thru this.

Originally Posted By: DDJ

i'm not trying to push my WW away.

I'm pushing her out of the house so that I can be alone for the first time in my life. But I'm not pushing her out of my life or head.

I need to find myself as much as she does. Get my life in order, rebuild and then see what happens. By giving up on her, i'm not giving up on my M, i'm saying that I have no control, i'm giving her the space to find herself. And for me to find myself too.

Im having a lot of trouble reconciling all this. You say you aren't pushing her away. But you're forcing her out of the house.

You say you're giving her space, but you aren't. You're pushing her!

You say that you can't rebuild yourself with her around. I'm having a lot of trouble buying it.

I see your words. But your actions say another thing to me. It reads like you are hurt and angry and are punishing her for doing that to you. I don't believe space will inherently help you to detach.

If you're pushing her out, you aren't focusing on you.

But how do I focus on me. I must protect myself. I need to get away from her. She is clearly and blatantly cheating on me. I cannot live this life and she does not want to go.

I can move out with my Bro for a month like I suggested but I don't need a new perspective. My eyes are wide open. Remember too that I am not working on my M anymore, or a R, I am only focusing on what I want.

And what I want is to put the house on my name to protect myself financially. I want to experience my life without her in it for at least a year, cos I've never been alone before.

These decisions are made without emotions. What are my other options when I'm already focusing on me.

As for rebuilding myself with her around, yes I can. I did it the entire wknd. But that was cos she could not run.

Now she's running to OM2 or om3 it turns out and my emotions are getting the better of me. Sandi would say, drop her and run. By getting her to get her own place, I am dropping her. Am I not?

Im going to sum it up, you dont want the M, you dont want her, she is blatantly cheating on you. So why havent you pursued the D?

Are you done or are you hanging on to the M?

Yes, summed up well. I'm hanging on to a better me. A better me that can eventually get a D with no emotions, no strings attached. I don't want the M.

A want to be a person that was able to take stock of their life and let the detachment process play itself out.

The emotions are pulling me down, but I need to make sure that they don't influence my actions. That's my sole purpose here. I had a real bad night. There's going to be more. I'm gonna give up, fall down and pick myself up.

Not sure if it's masochistic but am I pushing myself too far?

Should I just not put the house on my name and D, then detach more.

Originally Posted By: DDJ

Yes, summed up well. I'm hanging on to a better me. A better me that can eventually get a D with no emotions, no strings attached. I don't want the M.

A want to be a person that was able to take stock of their life and let the detachment process play itself out.

The emotions are pulling me down, but I need to make sure that they don't influence my actions. That's my sole purpose here. I had a real bad night. There's going to be more. I'm gonna give up, fall down and pick myself up.

Not sure if it's masochistic but am I pushing myself too far?

Should I just not put the house on my name and D, then detach more.

Ill be honest DDJ, none of that make sense to me whatsoever. Your actions and your wants don't line up. Its sounds like you are hoping to get a different result from doing the same thing over and over again.

Maybe someone else can articulate it better than me and i dont want to seem pro-D cause im not but you are trying to push her out the door.

I guess the question is if you looked inside yourself now. Whats is it thats stopping you? I dont think its the Zen reason you mentioned up there.

Okay, summed up differently...

I have a choice to leave this M as a broken man. Right now.

Or, I can leave this an unbroken man. I can let the devil drag me down, I can face him every morning and tell him that I will not let him hold me down. I will stand up and fight for myself and my sanity and I will succeed. I am not a failure, even tho my M is.

Okay so here is my next question.

What makes you think you are a broken man? Are you not sober? god believing? a good father? a good person?

I'm balling my eyes out right now.

Yes, I'm not a broken man. I am learning each day, how to be a sober man, how to more God fearing, how to be a better father, a better man and a better person.

I'm delaying the inevitable, I'm holding on to someone that isn't mine, anymore. I need to let her go. I have to let her go. She is no good for me the way that she is.

Every day I fall, every day I pick myself up, even day I get wiser, I get stronger. This is my lesson. Thank you God.

I've been crying for an hour solid. I believe that I got the job. GOD GAVE ME THIS JOB. God put this in front of me to challenge me to be more like him.

I accept the challenge.

It wasn't even an interview. A junior financial advisor walked me through the company and its ethos. He's gonna WhatsApp the boss about my start date. I should start 1 July. Im going to give one weeks notice, go on a getaway by myself for a week, recharge and refocus.

Company benefits mean that I will want for nothing. Except healing my broken heart. That will take time.

Okay, additional goal. Stop cursing. Done.

Thx Natus, I really needed you earlier. You asked me the perfect question.

So my WW is clearly the broken one. I was too only 2 months ago. If I think now, could I forgive her, I'd have to say yes.

But like Ralph, I'd need her to find herself in a similar way that I have. What a journey, that I have been put on. MVG said that it is best to get away from the madness asap. I second both of them.

Do I save my M or myself. Right now, I'll save myself.

You can't save your M before you save yourself.
Hang in there DDJ!

Thx cbtdad. I'm hanging in!!!

My point was that you said you wanted to do these. My image is that by doing them, you won't be broken anymore.

Detach (from WW and lose control)
� Do not start 100% of all conversations
� Do not get drawn into 100% of all possible arguments
� Do not check Tracker when my WW is out
� Keep my phone off when my WW is out
� Consciously remove control over others when I interact with them
� Do not react to anything anyone says or does, pause and then consider my response

Improve myself (GAL)
� I need to go to gym at least 3 to 4 days a week. My gym bag must remain in the car so that I can simply state that �I�m going out�.
� I need to stop eating junk-food, and actually start eating. I need to keep healthy snacks to boost my nutrition.
� I need to get out every day that I can, even if it�s a drive to sit somewhere and soak up nature. I need to try and see more live sports and spend time with my long lost family and friends.

Understand boundaries and implement some
� I think that I�m starting to get what boundaries are. The big emotional one will be no intimacy with my WW. The longer I can keep her off me, the stronger I will get. I will know that I will have achieved it if the day to sign the D papers come and I�ve still not given off.

Appreciate the little things

� I think that here I need to affirm my WW whenever she does anything that is not selfish, and is her going out of her way for me, or our son. Perhaps hitting 100% of affirmations, and understanding where I did not.

So why does it matter where W lives for you to do those?

As long as there's OMS involved, I'm going to stay the babysitter. I know that I'm not broken, but being fixed.

I just don't want to deal with the madness anymore. I want to focus on myself without any regard for her. I know that I can do it with her in my face. Can i not choose to do it without her there...

Originally Posted By: DDJ

I'm going to stay the babysitter.

I just don't want to deal with the madness anymore.

1) so if you're at home with your son and W is out doing whatever but going back to an apartment, will you feel differently? You're a parent, so there will be time you're watching him alone. You're only a babysitter if you feel like one.

2) I totally agree on the second part. It sounds like you're rushing to end the pain, the hurt, the sadness, etc. her moving out won't solve that. Only you can.

DDJ, Your not a babysitter, you are Dad, and your getting to spend time with the most important person(s) in your life... You will forever be the rock for your children, and that's the most important thing.

I can't speak to if its better for your WW to be in the home or not, I nvr got to that point (we will see what happens in future) but living in home or somewhere else, your job is going to be the same, great Dad, GAL and detach.

For what it's worth, your young, the age I was when I met my W, and have so much life in front of you.. If you take care of yourself, you will find happiness, whether it's with your current W or someone else. Be strong and you will be happy, you'll look back on the current sitch and be grateful you learned so much from the experience and how it made you a better man.

True, I'm not a babysitter. I'd rather be with my son than anywhere else really. I feel bad GALing sometimes.

Her moving out won't solve anything. Her staying won't solve it either, so the difference will really be my tolerance levels and emotional stability. I don't have to tolerate it when she's not here but it might not help my emotional stability without her here.

That being said. I do want to see how I fair with her out of the house. I want to see if I'm able to thrive. I want to see if I can stand man alone and just be. I want that experience. I need that experience. It does not have to be a D. But I want to be selfish. Focus on me. I will make sure that I see our son everyday to put him to bed.

Would that count as pushing her away, or living a life for myself?

It sounds like you know what you want.

DDJ,

I didn't really want my wife to move out even though I actively pushed her out (a 180), but I was surprised that the end result was that I felt a lot of relief and freedom from constantly worrying about upsetting her. The downside is that it upset my sons and I have to split my time with them. But, I think it was the right thing to do.

I have never wanted to be more alone, in my life. Like I've said, I've always had someone, from the womb. I've always just attached myself.

I'm not considering her feelings at all. I will make sure that I Gal with our son at every opportunity. He will see that his father loves him. If WE make it through the year and end up together then he will have two parents that want to make things work. If we drift apart, then so be it.

But I'm doing this for me.

So she also rescinded her formal acceptance of me transferring the house into my name. So out comes the ultimatum...

I want the house and I want a separation for a year. If you do not want to sell me the house then I will file for D and I will make sure that the house must be sold and I will buy it. So you have a choice of a separation for a year, or a divorce. You need to make the decision.

So the ball is still in her court. Come 1 July I transfer the house. D order or S...

This is what I want.

Did you really think she was going to let you have the house free and clear??

If I were her, I'd choose the divorce and get half of the house value. Even if I didn't want to get a divorce.

She's going to get half of the house value anyhows. Bought 3 years ago, so there's not alot in it. It will just be a case of whether she wants a separation or a divorce. I ideally want the separation, but will see through the D if it comes to that.

My Bro just called me now and asked how long she's seeing OM2. Then it hit me, that she's actually in a R with him. Wow. Never saw that coming. Just noting, no anxiety.

WW is on the way out to OM2. Just another opportunity to detach. Going to put my phone off, close the MBR door and get a good night's sleep. Going to focus on the new job and a better life.

Looking forward to time out this wknd. Still gonna calculate mins spent in her company. Will be cool to see the difference from 3 months ago.

OK, so WW overheard a call with my mother, but only the last part where I said, she's not going to be here, but the doors going to be open so let yourself in.

WW asked who, I said no-one. She leaves in skirt and boots and sneaks back in ten mins later, as I put our S to sleep. Then my mother comes around with cake and my Ww pops out of the second room in pyjamas. I'm like. DAMN.

So i hit 15 out of 20 in my goals for yesterday. I used the job to make myself more attractive, talking about how the job will make me more me, and happier.

She's not responded about the house and D or S, will give her till months end. I know that Dream and Darknes are not happy that i put D on the table. I really appreciate your input, on par with Sandi's, but i think that this is the right thing to do. I know that it is, to save myself.

I was thinking about Coconuts situation and mine and with OM2 leaving for 2 months, what if she does a 180 now? I must keep my focus on me so that I can detach. I must follow through on what I have said I will, or I will let myself down again, for a woman. But, that day is neither here, nor there. Though still at the back of my mind.

I need to be in a place where If I do take her back one day, and she does this again, then I must be strong enough to drop her instantly and forever.

I am not sure separation has anything to do with working on becoming who you want to be. I am not saying it is the wrong path as I am not fully up to date with your situation.But IMO achieving that state of mind you are striving towards is independent of your living situation.

Sure it may seem better/easier if she is not there. And yes W feels a consequence. Those have nothing to do with how you think. Why are you linking them so strongly.

Best wishes.

Well, thats the thing roist. I'm an out of the box thinker, I have no idea if living by myself will help make me more me. But i've never ever done it. I have not experienced being alone. Loneliness, yes. But never alone.

I want to be able to look back at this time and say that I did what I did to help myself become a better person. I believe that being by myself is necessary. All the signs point to it. It's being selfish, i know that. But i am seriously not considering her feelings. She will survive.

Obviously, I do not have control over my own plans, but I must move forward with them until God puts a plug in it and says no... which brings me to the next post...

So here is some movement... Latest email from the WW -

By when are you planning or wanting to get the house on your name??
The two options you gave me is a big decision so I need alot of time to think about iT and I hope last night with me not going anywhere told you something.

I PLAN ON REPLYING, I would like your answer by next week Friday please. I definitely appreciated you staying at home. Thank you.

WHAT DO YOU GUYS/GALS THINK?

My former WW friend says to reply "Either way it did not make a difference". but then again, she's cold. Gotta love her though.

I personally don't like either reply. Do a bat call for Wonka. Wait for some advice here.

Putting your n

I personally don't like either reply. Do a bat call for Wonka. Wait for some advice here.

Putting your needs first is one thing. But it should be coherent with what you want long term. Is this going to do that for you? Do you know what you want long term?

Best wishes

Ok, called the moderators.

Never thought about the long-long-term. That alone plan is set for a year and a half though. But where do i want to be at the end of next year, regardless of the path i take...

Ultimate goal - I can still see myself with my WW. But i see myself as someone that chooses to be with her, not because of a broken heart or the love that was lost. But because i chose to, because she and I share the same belief system and are able to put the past behind us. I feel that I cannot take her journey to "find herself, and me, if she chooses" with her.

My path is taking me away from her, for now. If at the end of next year, I say, "I cannot see myself moving forward with you in it". then it needs to come from a place without attachment, without control, without ultimatums.

I am not at that place now. I want to find that place, in me, by myself.

ok, i think that I know what to say...

I would like your answer by Friday next week.
I do not want you to stay for me, you need to do what you think is best for you.

I must remember that she does not care about me or love me anymore. Everything from here on in is self-preservation. From both of us.

I'll think on it.

But don't tell her what she needs to do.

I'm getting better at this... And will not control her.

Ok, so going to say that she needs to do what she thinks is best for her, not me.

My email...
I need your decision by next week Friday please, i want the house on my name as soon as possible.
You need to do what you think is best for you, not me.

Her reply...
Where are you gonne get the transfer cost from?
And it can take up to three months to get the house on your name as it have to be re-evaluated.

My reply...
God will make a way.

I hope it never came across as pompous. It is the truth.

Originally Posted By: DDJ

My email...
I need your decision by next week Friday please, i want the house on my name as soon as possible.
You need to do what you think is best for you, not me.

I dont understand why you added the bolded part. You dont have to tell her what she needs to do. Are you her doctor? Her lawyer?
Shes a big girl....she can do as she pleases.

Originally Posted By: DDJ

Her reply...
Where are you gonne get the transfer cost from?
And it can take up to three months to get the house on your name as it have to be re-evaluated.

Im not really sure you need to answer this....

Originally Posted By: DDJ

My reply...
God will make a way.
I hope it never came across as pompous. It is the truth.

Oh. You did.
And yes. It did. Im sure of that.

I dont see why these are urgent messages. It's still very early in the US. Im guessing some of the moderators or other folks could chime in. Be patient!

Never thought that I was telling her what to do, by telling her to do what she wants. Will think about that.

I answered about the transfer costs, which i probably did not have to. Did take my time, will take more next time i guess.

She actually called me before i sent the initial email and asked me why i'm taking so long to respond. I said that I was still considering my response.

Originally Posted By: DDJ

Well, thats the thing roist. I'm an out of the box thinker, I have no idea if living by myself will help make me more me. But i've never ever done it. I have not experienced being alone. Loneliness, yes. But never alone.

I want to be able to look back at this time and say that I did what I did to help myself become a better person. I believe that being by myself is necessary. All the signs point to it. It's being selfish, i know that. But i am seriously not considering her feelings. She will survive.

Obviously, I do not have control over my own plans, but I must move forward with them until God puts a plug in it and says no... which brings me to the next post...

If you are being selfish and your wife is being selfish, who on earth is prioritizing the needs of your son?

I'm still confused on WHY you are seeking to get the house in your name right now. It's a lengthy process that isn't going to get you any closer to your goals. You can have a legal separation without taking her name off of the house. You can detach from her while living with her. You don't NEED to have a year of bachelorhood to figure out what you want for your future. These are choices that you've made for yourself that conflict with what you say you want for yourself.

I agree, telling her "do what you want" is still telling her what to do. Think about all of the advice you've read on your threads... no one tells you to do what you want, because we know that you will. We can only guide you in the best way we know how.

Very true, well for now i'm looking after him mostly and he's sleeping in the bed with me. I'll have him wknds if we D or S, and I will be spending each day with him in the week, in the evening. If my WW wants to go out, i'll gladly take him home with me.

We have both agreed that we must have as little impact on him as possible. She will move very close by too. School will stay the same. But we do need to see a child psychologist, it's in the pipeline.

thx dream, nothing is set in stone and i will reconsider my actions. At the end of the day they must achieve my goal of detachment.

I could just be convincing myself that bachelorhood is what i need, also due to the new job. Will think long and hard this wknd and finalise my decision by Monday.

OKAY, LATEST EMAIL...

Come we start fresh and leave this bad 5months behind us.

Lets rebuild us together and get our house back on track, I vow to leave the friends and focus on us and our marriage , rebuild the trust and you need to come closer to me.

Not to forget but move forward and learn and grow together.

Originally Posted By: darknes

I dont see why these are urgent messages. It's still very early in the US. Im guessing some of the moderators or other folks could chime in. Be patient!

I agree.

All this conversation is nothing but pursuit and attachment.
It is a form of control.

Cardinal rule is STFU!!

My suggestion is to think of that before you say anything from now on.

DETACH is the single most important thing that you can DO.
You can slow the process down but you can't speed it up.
Not detaching slows all this down.

MHO is that is NOT what you want to do, you want the process to go as fast as possible.
Even though I could be talking about years!

Edit - start a new thread.

Originally Posted By: DDJ

OKAY, LATEST EMAIL...

Come we start fresh and leave this bad 5months behind us.

Lets rebuild us together and get our house back on track, I vow to leave the friends and focus on us and our marriage , rebuild the trust and you need to come closer to me.

Not to forget but move forward and learn and grow together.

And why would you believe these words?

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