Read your previous thread. I find it inspiring, letting me know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Im just starting my journey with BD a month ago but this gives me hope that even if M doesnt work out in the end.
So my current conundrum??? S13 wrestles in huge tournament this weekend. For some reason (I think he is pushing back from her trying to pull him away from me) he decided he thinks it should just be a guys weekend. He told WW that he just wants it to be me and him to go and for her to stay home. Of course, he says this right after he heard me tell her, "I think you should just take Friday off since it is a 6 hour drive to get there."
Yesterday, she contacted me about it and I then called her to discuss it. I told her it is unusual that she is not there. I can only remember 3 maybe for 4 tournaments she ever missed and that was to be at S16's basketball games (we always split the boys so at least one of us were at any of their activities). And her missing was at the very beginning of S13 wrestling. I told her she should talk to him about it.
Later that night, she texts me saying she spoke to him and he stood firm that he just wants it a guys weekend. I know that hurts her because despite all her b1tching and complaining about these things, she truly loves to be there. So I feel bad for her. I said I would talk to him and she said no I don't want to force him and she is ok although it hurts. Eventually, I said "maybe you should just go."
I said that and at the same time am ecstatic myself that she is not going. Sharing a hotel room with an ex would not be fun and would be a very uncomfortable situation. We could each sit on separate beds while texting our new partners, lol.
Yet... and this is the rub.... someone I know it is going to get turned around that I put him up to this. ugh, I just know it. Not that I care if she is mad at me, but what games she might start playing with him again. It is a no win, but I think I covered my bases by telling her maybe she should come and not worry about what S13 says...
Any thoughts??
Tim,
I say let her think what she wants. You guys have a great time out there. If S13 does not want her there then she shouldn't be there.
Tim, with GWH on this one. This is a boys weekend. You can let S13 send oodles of pics (make sure he's got his charger this time!) and text her if he wants to so she still feels a part.
Thanks guys! I am not so worried about what she thinks but worried more about what she will do, i.e. withholding S13 or threatening to again. Although so far her the tone of her texts has been more sad than angry.
1313 yes I will make sure he has his phone charger and quite honestly I will send her pics too. While I am more than done with WW, I cannot help but feel bad for. Not just about this but how I see her life playing out in general. Definitely not my problem anymore but I can sympathize. I see how my mother's foolish decisions have destroyed her life and I feel my WW is going to be in the exact same position. Again not my problem but I can still sympathize as a human.
BTW, things are going great with jogging buddy and I feel we have something growing.
So today I filed. Text WW if she would like me to drop off the papers or whether I should just mail them. She told me to drop them off. Funny that I thought it would feel liberating.... It didn't. Rather I feel a bit low about it. IDK why? I just kinda feel like I am now announcing publicly a personal failure. Odd to feel that way I know but I do.
Hi Tim,
I think it's perfectly natural to feel low when you've filed for D. It would be odd if you didn't.
From your signature, I see that your W moved out 2 months ago - that's not a very long time! This has all gone very quickly, hasn't it?
I would be careful starting someting new this soon - make sure it's not primarily to make yourself feel better...
So you would think things would calm down and be good. No fights for awhile, I filed today, she didn't even yell or blame me for S13 asking her not to go to Ohio with us. Sounds fine and dandy. NOPE, I guess since she can't f-up my life anymore now she wants to f-up S13's life.
After taking him to practice and then home, at about 10 I get a text from him saying his real dad is coming to his house. This is the same Megan's Law registered sex offender and voluntary manslaughter guy he has not seen in over 7 years. Also the same guy she claimed beat and raped her. If that is what she wants in her life that is fine by me, but there is no way he should be in S13's life whatsoever.
Amazing how you can go from loving someone, to being angry with them, to feeling pity for them, to indifference, now to loathing. I am still not going to come down from the high road but I will do whatever it takes to protect S13.
Tim,
I'm sorry but I'm glad you've reached a point where you feel like moving ahead. I'm really sorry about your WW, but as a lawyer yourself, you're probably more aware as to what or what cannot be done to keep this guy away from your S's in your state.
This is awful. It's so sad that it sounds like your WW has some self-destructive tendencies that could affect the boys in some way. Best of luck buddy. I'm glad they've got you in their lives.
Thanks 1313 amazing how stupid she can be and how little she could care her own kids. Just amazing! How the he11 did I get involved with someone like that to begin with.
Amazing how you can go from loving someone, to being angry with them, to feeling pity for them, to indifference, now to loathing. I am still not going to come down from the high road but I will do whatever it takes to protect S13.
Such a range of emotions. I can relate. It's what I always hated the most about all this. Not knowing if what I was feeling at the time was "real". A poster once told me to act on your beliefs, not on your feelings, which you have quite nicely expressed.
Thanks JujuB. That is what I am working, acting with my head and not my emotions. I think there are several catalysts for this, me moving on and dating someone, her not getting a raise from me and she throws herself at guys in front of me at S13's sporting events, S13 pulling away from her as she tries to pull him away from me, and S13 telling her he does not want her to come to his big important tournament this weekend.
Well maybe she will eventually learn you can't blame someone else for everything that goes wrong in your life, sometime you gotta look in the mirror and say 'Maybe its me and my decisions.'
I am still to the point I do not care what she does, who she sees or really anything about her. However, now her decisions are going to affect the kids which is just wrong. Also something I thought she would never do... endanger her kids but obviously when considering what I would think a sane person would never do is generally her first instinct.
Tim,
I am sorry to hear that your WW is doing this. Like 1313 said your a L, and you know exactly what you can do to protect those kids from such a person. So hard to believe she would bring him around, but then again they are not who they once were.
whether to date is a bit debatable on these boards.
I do find that when your spouse cheats, dating someone seems to boost the ego, prevents pursuant and sometimes obsessive behaviors, and certainly does give the WS a clear message that LBS is not going to wait around. I don't know if it makes LBS more or less desirable.
if you can find eye ties threads he might be someone to catch up with. He overcame a lot and did really well with dating and GAL. His wife ended up wanting him back, but he did not see real change in her.
Personally, If I had any proof of my spouse cheating, I think i might have done the same. (Although when boyfriend cheated on me it took me over a year to date again) But I also would not want to reconcile if spouse was cheating. Non negotiable for me. The purpose of it would have been to get through some pretty rough feelings. But It's possible to get through them without OP too.
I recently expressed to a friend about a desire to date but I am also realizing how vulnerable I am right now, and how my selection process for a good person to date could be off. I think These past few days I am getting out of anger phase and in more of a mourning phase, so not as appealing.
I guess my overall thought is that it really is an individual decision and hopefully no additional parties end up hurt.
I think your doing great despite some pretty heart wrenching obstacles, especially regarding the children. I wish the best for you.
Thanks JujuB. Yeah I certainly did not set out consciously looking to date anyone and quite the opposite, I looked at how damaged I figured I would be in counseling for quite sometime to learn how to trust again. I guess that is how it happens, when you are not looking is when you find what you needed. She saw me jogging and asked if I would like a running partner sometime (I coach her son in school, not like she is a complete stranger). Through setting that up talking became more frequent. For a bit, I thought to myself uh oh, not sure that I am ready for this, but did not want to miss an opportunity.
We have discussed our individual issues. Her being divorced for 4 years now and having had some bad relationships after that, me having trust and intimacy issues. I find being aware of my issues lets me spot if I am having an issue before I start acting on it. We also discussed rebound relationships. Thus far we have been very open and honest with our thoughts and feelings which is a HUGE 180 for me.
As far as dating soon after the break up, I have discussed it with my IC. He has been supportive of it and just told me not to try and force or rush things. He encouraged me to spot and note any quirks I am having and tell him about them. So far so good.
Just journaling...
WOW what a weekend!! Friday, I met with jogging buddy in the morning for date before leaving for the weekend. We went to do some laundry and then for breakfast. After that we just hung out and talked. Then it was off to Ohio.
The drive was long, long, long. I took S13 and my other Jr. high wrestler for the 7 hour drive. The literally wrestled in the back seat of my sports car 4 of the 7 hours it took. The other 3 hours were filled with guess the song who could come up with the most inappropriate song... LOL what kids listen to now.
On the way, S13 told me about his mom bringing his dad back around. He also told me about his mom hooking up with dad. LOL so everything has gone full circle. Considering her knowing what she is getting herself back into she has little sympathy from me when things go back to their old ways. What does bother me about the entire situation is this is really going to screw up S13. He does great in school and just took 7th at the largest 1 day tournament in the world. So my plan is she likes to have nice things for the kids and brag about his accomplishments as if she has contributed to them. Since, I train him, pay for all the tournaments, pay for all the travel, all the lessons and all the camps/clinics, I am sure that she thinks she is using me to get away with not having to pay and yet still bragging. That is fine let her think she is so smart, my relationship will continue to grow with him and eventually he will be old enough and understand enough to be able to make his own decisions. He already sees the truth WW with 3 different guys in about as many weeks. I can tell just by comments he has made that he is not too fond of it.
Now bragging.... So we travelled 7 hours to the tournament. There were approximately 3000 wrestlers there competing at one of the country's largest and most difficult scholastic tournaments. As a coach I talked to my 2 Jr. High kids (S13 and another) saying listen this is a big step up for both of you just try to get one win, but if you got out there and come up short, as long as you wrestled hard I am proud. I had 4 there, 2 elementary and 2 jr. high. S13 had 41 kids in his bracket!!! He lost his first match 6-0. Then came back in his second to pin the kid, 8 grueling match (with me figuring each time it would be he last match) he came out and took 7th place. It was amazing and I could not be any more proud of him!! I never expected him to do such a great job against kids of that caliber. Here he is only having done the sport for 5 years competing against the best in the US and winning most of his matches. All I can say is OMG.
Then after a long trip home, it was off to jogging buddy's house (maybe I should be referring to her as GF now) but we got some time together and just enjoyed the end of our weekend together.
Again what a great weekend it was!!!
Tim,
Great to hear S13 took 7th place.That's awesome. Your doing a great job with him, and he will always respect you for what your doing. Keep up the good work brother. He needs a good role model in his life.
Tim, great to hear. No surprises at all. I'm delighted that you've been able to move on personally so quickly. Just think of where you were not 3 months ago. Wow.
It's fantastic that you've gotten what you've wanted and S13 is doing so well. He's blessed to have you.
Glad to see you are doing well.
Journaling since I haven't posted in a while.
So things with GF are going very well and still honest and open with her more than I have ever been with anyone. I can thank XWW for pointing that out to me and giving me the motivation to work on that part of myself. I have found my openness also leads GF to being open with me too. At this point we have covered so many topics in conversation, there is not much we do not know about each other. More over there is nothing that either one of us is afraid to ask the other. This range of openness is certainly not something I am used to and am enjoying greatly. Again, I would have to thank XWW for the help in identifying my downfalls and giving me the motivation to work on my issues. It is paying off greatly in my own happiness.
As far as issues with XWW, yes they are still going on. First off, she is on OM#3. That is ok not my problem. What is my problem or what I am concerned with is who it is. The new OM is S13 Biodad, a multi convicted felon and registered sex offender. She is cleverly trying to remove me from S13's life. What she doesn't realize is the more she tries the more she alienates herself from him and I can see the resentment building in him. On Saturday when I picked him up and he yelled at her when she asked him a question. I have also heard him make comments that I am his real dad not his sperm donor. LOL
One of her attempts is to not allow him to go fishing with a friend. The friend happens to be GF's son. They apparently planned to meet after school and fish. S13 text XWW and asked about going who initially said yes, but when she found out who he was going to be with said no. She explained to S13 that for she believed GF had a plan to take him away from her lol. Well needless to say S13 was p!ssed. These kids have been friends since 2nd grade and its a bit ridiculous on her part.
The next issue is her expectation that I continue to pay her way to and from the tournaments. This weekend will be a three day tournament. I made the hotel reservations and will be driving. Of course so she doesn't have to pay she plans on staying in the same room and riding down with us. I expected that but also plan it will be the last time. She can start getting her own room. But since the floor passes are $25 a day, when she text me about what time we are leaving I asked if she reserved her tickets. She said no and I said she can just buy them when we get there which will make them $30 a day. She then sent text asking if she was allowed in our room. As much as I wanted to say no, I knew she would then not allow S13 to go, I said yes. She obviously was not happy I am going to make her pay for her tickets. Sure she will not be happy when she has to pay her own meals too. I am sure she feels that she is getting over on me by me paying for all of S13's sport but she is not clever enough to figure out I am doing it for him, not her.
Then there is her having sex with these guys when both boys can clearly hear it. I know that S13 has said something about it to her but apparently she does not care because according S13 it has not stopped. Nothing really I can do about it but can bring it up at custody if need be.
Finally, there XWW and XMIL still posting on social media. XWW postings are damaging her own reputation. I was asked about it by a person we know through sport that lives some ways away. Can't say I really care about her reputation. She can destroy it for all I care. XMIL continues to post about me as well. Still the calling of names and a post to her that read "congrats on your divorce! We always did hate him." LOL Again can't say it bothers me at all. Sometimes when I am in a bad mood I think I should post a response but then think nah that gives her the rise she wants out of me. In a good mood I just laugh about it. My own improvement is that I never look unless someone mentions it to me and then just out of curiosity.
So that is the update...
Journaling
I have not written in a while which is becoming more and more frequent... I think that is a good thing.
So we went to nationals. I picked up WW and S13's pedo dad came out to greet me. Made some comment about appreciating everything I do for sS13 and no hard feelings. I wanted to say listen you can have her, enjoy just leave S13 alone. But I bit my tongue.
On the way down we talked a bit. She asked about my gym and then I think to get a rise out of me talked about the skimpy clothes she wears to the gym. I could have cared less. Somewhat funny somewhat sad thing is as she told me about it, I asked what a certain type of shirt was and she explained a half shirt, S13 piped up saying "you know what all the wh0res wear." Sad to see he has so little respect left for his mother. As we were getting close after a 5 hour drive WW was talking about where to eat after weigh ins.
Checked into the room and after a bit I said lets get going to weigh ins. WW made no effort to get up and I asked are you ready. She responded she never goes to weigh ins why start now. I responded about getting her pass to get in. Then begrudgingly she asked how much they were. As she handed me the cash to get hers she made the comment to S13 "Look at SBH making me pay for my own stuff." S13 replied "well you aren't together."
After weigh ins, S13 and I went back to the room. I told WW our plans for dinner and she decided not to go. She actually did not eat dinner or anything that I saw the entire weekend. I think she really planned on me paying for everything and did not bring any money. Well not my problem.
S13 did not do as well as I thought he would but I kinda think it was all the stress in the room. WW slept on the chair because S13 would not allow her to sleep in his bed and there was no way she was going to sleep in my bed.
The way home was uneventful. We talked a bit. We compared stories of what friends told each of us about the other. Most of which did not match. She told me about OM2, Idk why cause she is on to OM3 and problem she is having with S16. I told her about GF and work.
After the weekend S13 got in trouble in school and WW would not allow him to go to the movies with me as planned. While it hurt me cause she knew we planned it on the way home, he also has to learn to behave properly. Later on I got a text from S13 that his bio-dad wants to take him to that movie and he doesn't want to go with him, he wants to go with me. I told him then he would have to explain that to his bio-dad and mom. He said he was going to.
I do not know whether he did or not.
Things with GF are going very well. We continue to be very open and honest with each other. She has introduced me to her family which I know was a huge step for her, especially her kids (who already knew me from coaching). We still run together and tomorrow I will be doing my first 5k. I do have a concern that I feel like I am putting back on some weight that I lost. So I guess when it finally stops raining here I need to get out and do a lot more cardio.
Well I guess that is it... all caught up.
I have not been on for awhile because I find reading the stories of cheating and lying affects my ability to trust others and brings back feelings of my WW's betrayal. I feel for you all out there and I wish each and everyone of you the very best.
So, today I am just here to vent. My WW pushed and pushed for the D. I did relent and filed myself because I believed it to be more for my own mental health and healing than her pushing. Well tomorrow will be 90days and we could finish up the D. I sent her the paperwork to sign and get back to me and it would be done. Typical of the WW she is now resisting signing the paperwork. So here I am in limbo again.... UGH!!!
Hi Tim
Glad you posted again. I was wondering how you were doing. Sorry about the delays regarding your divorce. Tough place to be in, but I don't believe anything else regarding spouse is as painful as acute BD
I understand how difficult it is to read about others betrayal as well but I hope you will continue to journal. I hope the kids are doing ok as well.
hugs
J.
Thanks JujuB. I hope things are improving for you. The youngest is doing well but I wish I could see him more. The oldest is having a hard time unfortunately. Since I am no longer the buffer between the kids and WW, she takes her moods out on them from what they tell me. Both report S16 takes the brunt of it. Oddly S16 was the most supportive of her and her decisions.
As far as the D I am sure she pushed and pushed for it to get at me and is now delaying to get at me again. Apparently, it is bothering her that I have moved one and am happy. She has spewed about me getting a new car, about me cycling (apparently she thinks I have a new bike, which actually was hanging in the garage the entire time we were together), about my GF etc. Funniest part is when she is going to start spewing she starts her text with "I am really happy for you, I am but..."
After dropping the rope for a few months and after I realized there is no way I would ever want her back, I will say I have learned this:
1. I was never really happy with her. I question why I was so upset about WW leaving me when I she always just treated me as an object to pamper to her.
2. I should be grateful to her... in a way... because her infidelity saved me many more years of torment. Since I have been away from WW I have reconnected with my father and he has commented about how much more at ease and happy I am.
3. How very depressed I was, especially the last year and a half. I was in my bedroom sleeping every chance I got. I was withdrawn from everything except S13, I think because he was the one that gave me glimmers of happiness. I had no motivation to do anything and was close to 200 lbs. Since, I enjoy socializing, working out, cycling and hardly ever nap. When I do nap it is because I am tired.
4. How much more perceptive and assertive I am. I am much more attune to how GF is feeling and I can actually talk about feelings.
5. Finally, the heap of trust issues she left me with. This is the hard one. I really have trust issues now. I am suspicious of everyone. The saving grace in this is that I recognize it and have come to peace with it. I believe if someone is going to cheat or lie to you, there is nothing you can do to avoid it. Being on edge about it only serves to hurt yourself and building relationships. Rather, I believe you have to resign yourself to make leaps of faith and if it happens it happens, just enjoy the times you have.
So that is where I am right now. Rebuilding and rediscovering myself.
Just journaling...
Quick note since I have not been journaling for some time. Relationship with the GF has been going great. Some minor emotional set backs due to the insecurities WW has created in me. However, I have spoken with GF about them and expressed that yes I know these are my issues but when I experience them I just need some time to work through them. My major issue right now is going through phases when "I see the end coming." Working through them means acknowledging how I am feeling and recognizing this is something I making up in my mind because something else is bothering me. Right now that something else is fear and panic about my dog being in poor health. Also acknowledging GF is not the same person as WW and even if she is going to cheat as WW there is nothing I can do about it, so just to enjoy the time we have together. That letting go of control helps a lot.
Physically, I have kept up with my work outs and while I have not completed my goal yet of running in a 5K, I have ran further on my own and do not really need an organized run to recognize my progress. I also got back into cycling, an activity I enjoyed prior to WW. One or two better than the 5k (and which I am nervous about) is that this weekend I will ride my first Century ride/race. After spending more than I should have on extra gear, I believe I am ready.
As far as the boys... Unfortunately for them I am no longer there as the buffer between WW and them. So WW's moods and temper get taken out on them. Idk and never will how a person can blindly ruin their relationship with their own kids. Both contact me much more and come to visit. My relationship with them has improved and continued. Sadly, their moods are not always chipper dealing with WW.
Finally there is the D. 90 days are up and now despite complaining until I filed WW now will not sign the papers unless I pay her...LMAO. So I guess I will be waiting 2 years for it to be final.
Guess its been quite some time since I have been on here and journaled. Honestly I avoid this board any more because it brings back the anxiety I felt, what now seems a completely different life.
What brings me on today... I do not know. But since I am here, I might as well journal a bit.
Currently there is no movement in the D. I do not even bring it up anymore. I will wait my time then finalize it, as soon as time expires.
My moods are good. Funny to read back through my posts (and stressful) but it seems like a different person who wrote that stuff or a long long time ago. Last year at this time, I was living in a gym or my bosses apartment, plagued by constant anxiety and desperately clinging to any positive interpretations I could glean from her actions or words. Now if I did not have to deal with her because of my boys she would be a distant bad memory. I am proud of how far I have come.
Her moods. I am sincere when I write I think she needs mental health treatments. One day she will tell me how I am the best father those boys ever had and how I am always there for them. The next day, without any contact with her or the boys, she will tell me what a piece of sh!t I am. Seems to be contingent on her personal mood and whatever is going on in her life. But overall at least it is not as often to my face, rather from what I understand she vents to her mom.
I had posted before about how could I ever love or trust again... Well for anyone who may read this and are in bleak times, trust me you can! I have been dating the same wonderful girl now (my previous post I referred to her as my jogging partner) and at first just kept telling myself to enjoy the time together but when it ends don't fret over it. I felt unworthy to have someone who appreciated me and looked for signs of impending doom. Now I trust her completely and am in love with her. So no matter what road your own journey takes, you are resilient and will heal!
Good luck to everyone out there experiencing this trauma, my heart breaks for you. BUT you will heal in time. Take it minute by minute, hour by hour and the pain will eventually subside, the memories will fade. You will come out of this stronger and wiser.
I'm so happy for you Tim! I'm glad you posted and updated. I feel like you healed and got through this quicker then most. And your advice is sound. Good for you!
congrats on your new love. It's so nice to hear about two deserving people getting together. Gives me hope.
Hope your boys are doing well. Wrestling season right?
Sorry that your ex is still difficult. But sounds like you have everything else going well for you, and I get that it's worth it for the boys.
Hope you continue to keep us posted
J.