My first thread:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2650649#Post2650649My second thread:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2669143&page=1 A quick summary: My husband literally disappeared on the night of our 20th wedding anniversary, after living together for 25, asked for time apart on Christmas Day. Since then I've seen him three times, two brief phone calls, and a lot of email until about 10 days ago when I went low contact.
He is living 5 hours away, in a furnished apartment he rented in a large city suburb 1 1/2 hours from the house he is supposed to be living in, that we own and pay for every month. I live out here on our country property after he told me I wasn't welcome in my own home there. Well, I suppose I'm welcome there now that he's pretty much moved out.
Until I found out about his PA, almost every message I got from him was along the lines of "My biggest goal for 2016 is to work on our marriage," "of course there won't be anyone else while we're figuring that out. That would be irreparable." All the kinds of words that make you believe there is a chance. Then, I discover the PA, and for the first time I hear "we're over" and realize that, yes, there is a very good chance that we really are over. It's like that day I just started falling apart all over again, and I have really struggled since. I was in denial until that point, I think, because it seemed there was real hope.
I have been seeing a psychologist for a couple months now, added in a grief counselor last week, doing all kinds of stuff to GAL, reaching out for support wherever I can find it, started on an SSRI a full months ago (to no effect), and I take anxiolytics when it gets really bad. Still, I feel like I'm struggling more as time goes on.
Anyway, I'm heartbroken and still standing, trying to save a relationship into which I've poured my heart and all my energy for so long, but one that H seems to have utterly rejected. I'm trying to be the lighthouse. I had all of my eggs in the one basket called our life together, and it's been upended and I don't know which way is up a lot of the time.
I have struggled to fill the gap left by the loss of H, who was also the best friend I had. My one other close friend died almost 2 years ago, and I felt like I had no one except my parents at first. Luckily a neighbor has really been there for me, and I rekindled a good friendship from my past. Still, I feel the loss every single day.
Today I got rid of a lot more stuff from my property, which seemed like real progress. It gave me 2 hours of outdoor work in the sunshine, and it's hard to not think that's a good thing.
I'm still really down though. It started yesterday when I had to hook up a farm implement to my tractor and it just slammed me with the reality that that was something H should have been here for, and that he has abandoned me and our life together, all in the name of his own "happiness" which seems to consist of city life, clubbing, binge drinking, an affair (despite saying he wants to be alone), a new absurd fascination with electronic music, new clothes. Same old story - who is this person, and why is he acting like he's 20, or younger, when he's mid-40s? His new life just strikes me as such a superficial one, entirely based on lies, because he's lied to everyone he meets. I can't relate to it at all, and I really don't like the person he's become. I keep hoping that some form of the person I knew all those years might surface, but not so far. He's a selfish, self-involved WAH/MLC man.
I'm discouraged and disgusted and sad and angry. Mostly sad.
I want to thank SadHub for this:
I hope you are doing well this morning. Try and remember that his"story" is simply his story. Do not let go of what you know your story is. I know how hard it is as when the negative thoughts invade our minds we tend to focus on all that we wish we could have done different, but in the end, we did the best we could with what we had.
Being a lighthouse is a challenge in different weather so to speak. Weather changes and sometimes the boats will struggle to see, but the lighthouse must continue to shine no matter what, with the hopes and expectations that it will be seen. The rest is up to God. But shining bright no matter the weather is up to us.
My prayers are with you again this day. May you feel some peace and calm.
And GWH for this:
Hope your having a better day today. Remember we really don't know what they are thinking.
Your kind words and support mean a lot to me, especially right now.
There's always a trigger of something to spark the sadness. For me that has been anything from a couple out pushing a baby together or a sweet old couple helping each other walk slowly. It's like upsetting because I see the young couple and think that should be us- or it'll be the old couple sparking thoughts that it won't be us. Truth is, I don't know that. He doesn't know that, we don't know what the future has in store.
It may be a job you should have done together, or maybe that he shouldn't have done- but wow! Be proud of yourself for what you've achieved yourself!
With regards to the trash comment. There's no WAY you are, not even slightly! I echo sadhub, yesterday you helped me get through some awful anxiety attacks by talking to me. Me, a perfect stranger you haven't met. That shows a kind heart.
It's true. It seems that every situation is becoming a mine field, where I could come across a trigger at any moment. Last week it was the sweet 80 year old in a wedding ring holding the door for me, showing me what I wasn't going to have with H. Later in the week it was finding H's prescription charges. Yesterday the trigger was having to ask a stranger for help with the tractor. Next it will be... ???
Thanks for the kind words, Cherry. I know that I can be my own worst enemy when it comes to negative self-talk sometimes, but it's just the way I feel these days. I'm having a hard time finding the positives in my situation.
I'm lucky in that I don't have to keep up a facade of good cheer every day because H is completely absent, but I so miss having him around. I think back to November and December, when I though everything was fine, and all the nice times we had together, and I am still left with the most over-riding feeling that I've had ever since H walked - complete confusion. I just don't understand, and I'm beginning to think that I never will.
What do you do when you can't make sense of your own story?
I think most of us are fairly confused by our stories. The way my h tunes in and out and wants to leave me often leaves me confused and upset. And I don't know if we can ever get into the mindset of a WS.
I think it's important we recognise these emotions and feel them. It's part of the grieving process. These early days are tough, real tough and we are going to go through many firsts that will make us emotional. I wish I could help more.
I want you to find ways to boost your confidence. You are a lovely woman who is worthy of love.
Thank you very much. I know I'm just having a tough few days. I cycle up and down, so I'm thinking I'm about due for a better stretch.
The funny thing is that I'm usually fairly self-confident. I know I have a lot of skills, and I know I will figure out how to care for my property if I can swing it financially. I have always been the "handyman" in the house, and I have no fear of hard work.
I know H is a complete idiot to give up what we had, and even stupider to have given up on me.
I'm looking forward to talking with my therapist Monday and my grief counselor on Tuesday. Maybe they can help me figure out how to deal with some of these triggers. Heck, I'm even looking forward to seeing my GP on Wednesday, too, so she can change my meds, because the SSRI isn't doing a thing! Plus, I really like her.
When all else fails, GAL by filling it with appointments with your (hired) support group! : )
Beyond that, I intend to get out and do some serious brush-cutting over the next few days and make some progress on this property. I'm paying for this darn tractor, and by gosh, I am going to put the thing to work as long as I still own it! Nothing sexier than a woman in a big azz tractor, right? LOL.
You sound a little better in your last post.
I would say that this has all happened so very recently that it's no wonder you are not feeling better every day. After 25 years, it's going to take a while. But it sounds like you are doing what you can, taking good care of yourself, getting help. One day at a time.
You are a resourceful, educated woman with lots of energy and a bright future ahead of you, and yes - a woman on a tractor is very attractive to a lot of men! I am convinced that if H is foolish enough to let you go for a superficial life, down the road there will be any number of quality men who will feel incredibly lucky to meet you!
Are there any divorce care groups you can join where you live? Other groups you might be interested in joining, to expand your social circle?
Hi Phoebe,
You sound like you're handling this well.
I hate triggers too and the thing about triggers us that they come so unexpectedly. It can be a scent, a scene, a sound. I miss xh the most when something good happens and he's not around for me to share to. It's like the phantom limb syndrome?
I guess it will get more manageable with time.
Lol about the big azz tractor. Maybe you should combine it with some Cherryesque attitude and wear some geels while you're at it! If that's even possible!
Too funny, JksD!! I could use some of that Cherry attitude, it's true! I don't wear high heels, so I suppose work boots will have to do! : )
Triggers are the worst, for exactly the reason you mentioned. You never know what they are or when you'll find them. I agree that it's really hard not to have H around to share things with - stories, laughs, etc.
Painter, I have been trying to get on board with a DivorceCare group, but all the ones within about 50 miles are into their last few sessions, or have just finished up. I really want to get in at the beginning, so I could see the some of the same faces each week. Unfortunately, the only new groups I've located don't start until September. Still working on it.
I joined the local BAN (Beyond Affairs Network) through Meetup, and they're hoping to have a get together once monthly, starting the first week in May, so that's something.
I really ought to get with some hiking groups, but I am a pretty conscientious person on trail and I don't have any of my gear. I won't step foot on a trail without my essentials (my pack, some type of basic shelter, clothing, safety kit, etc..) I've backpacked a few thousand miles, and can't see messing with my method. It's kept me safe so far.
Unfortunately, everything I need is in the house H is supposed to be in. He is still there some days when he works locally, and his schedule isn't set in stone. I also really want to get my bicycle which is there, too. It's the time of year I am usually training to do a 40 mile charity ride for diabetes.
In order to avoid seeing him, I'd have to ask him his schedule and make it plain I didn't want him there. That's awkward, and certainly not breezy and friendly. Quite frankly, I'm having a hard time drumming up an interest in contacting at all, as I'm still smarting from my last face-to-face with him. I'm going to procrastinate a few more days.
Anyway, the bottom line is, yes. I am definitely looking into local options for getting more social contact and support.
(((((Phoebe))))). For all the support you have been sharing with so many today while going through your own struggles.
I love your plans to get out there and make some connections with folks that can be of aid in this time of challenge for you. This is one of my goals that I am putting in place as well, and fortunately D17 has told me that we are going to be accountability partners to make sure we get out here.
Another idea we are planning to put into place is some community service groups. She says that by doing this, we can take our focus of the challenges with our family is going through, and put it on helping others. She is some kind of special young lady my daughter.
Hi Phoebe, I've just read your summary. How awful! I think we are all too hard on ourselves about being down and upset. I think that it is perfectly normal to feel down and upset when a 25 year relationship is abruptly ended by one of the parties. The only other time such a long relationship would end so suddenly is if a partner died. Nobody would think it wrong to be so upset then, and in a way I feel that our situations are worse because the partner has chosen to go, not cruelly taken away in death. It sounds like you are having good days and times in amongst the pain and sad days, which is a step in the right direction. We are all stronger than we think we are having to go through this. Take care.
Greengrass really cheered me up with her kick assured high heels she wore them out on her farm, just for fun.
I went out and bought two pairs of fun shoes and boots, if you Google irregular choice Brighton, you will see. So if an old broiler like V can then a young sippersnapperlike Phoebe certainly can.
Have fun with this.
Garner your strength, a borrowed (or hired) van and go get YOUR stuff. Do not tell him. A couple of large imposing relatives or friends and just go. If you read my thread you will see that I put all of WH stuff in store and then told him faith accompli.
Pick a week day when WH is likely (or certain) to be working, go bravely and get your things. Keep cards, close and chest.
Breathe, chin up and face it with strong arms and heart.
V
Oh and my beloved Gg high heels were red.
V
Oh dear, it appears I'm getting me a little bit of a reputation now
Oh work boots can be sexy, just about anything can be with a little look up from the eyelashes and a swing in those hips
I agree with inpain, in a sense bereavement would be easier than the thought someone who made promises to us wants to check out. It's a tad bruising to the self esteem.
The hiking sounds great, that would for sure keep you busy, and fit, and meet new friends and have new adventures. Good for you. It's understandable that you don't want to make contact with h right now. It's hard to appear bright and breezy when you're hurting
Hi Phoebe,
If this is not to personal of a question, you mention that the SSRI is not helping. How long have you been on it, and what are the indicators that it is not working?
I was reluctant to take them, and I think it takes a bit to have an effect, but after several days on them I am not sure if I feel worse, or if it's the events, or what. Just feeling desperate for feeling some normalcy as I can't hardly focus and I can't afford that the rest of my life fall apart while stuck in anxiety and depression moods.
I just feel desperate and like I am seeing a IC and my GP and my spiritual leader, and I can't seem to get a hold of myself.
Hi SadHub. Not too personal at all. SSRIs take about 4 weeks to reach effect.
I know that I am on a very low dosage (my psychologist was surprised and told me it was low), so there was a fair chance of it not being adequate. It's been 4 weeks now, and I am not feeling any better at all. Sadness is getting worse, a friend told me she had never seen me so down last week when we were walking together, sleep has not improved, no genuine interest in food (beyond as a chore I know I need to do), increasing triggering events, still shaking, still anxious. As a side note, the anxiety is fading a bit as I am becoming more depressed. The anxiety is due to uncertainty, and my uncertainty is fading as my optimism fades, making the depression more of a dominant feature. I used to smile all the time, now... not so much. I feel really flat.
I still get out of bed every day, shower, take care of my animals, and function, doing what I need to do and trying to get the support I need, but I am just baseline sad most of the time now. Sad and anxious, sad and lonely, sad and _____ (fill in the blank), but sometimes sad and laughing, which is one of the best medicines of all.
The way my Doc explained SSRI onset is:
-First week no effect, or strange effects (tingling, shooting pains, weird feelings)
- second week, maybe a better day here and there
- third week, a few more good days
- fourth week, I should be having more good days than bad days, or feeling much better
So far that has not played out. Honestly, the only change I've noticed is that I am dreaming more than I typically do.
I've continued to reach out in other ways because I know I need to do so, but I am hoping that my GP will change my dosage or medication this week. A little pharmaceutical help would still be most welcome.
Please don't take this wrong, but you need to be mindful that SSRIs have a black box suicide warning - if you ever, and I mean ever, have any self-harmful thoughts, get yourself to your doctor immediately. Don't keep it to yourself. I've got one friend (a nurse, of course!!!) watching me like a hawk on this, and I am glad for her attention. I know that I am not a danger to myself, but it's good to know she's watching out for me, too.
Keep reaching out, SadHub. Keep as many people in your life as possible, and the more time you spend with others, the better. You need to know that you are loved and you are worthy of the love you receive. You are valuable. You mean the world to your children. Find people who can make you laugh, and take your daughter up on her plan for you to be accountability partners! She really sounds amazing.
Grief is overwhelming. As inpain said, and I agree, in many ways being abandoned by our spouses might be harder than loss through death. We have all the pain of loss, but also the feeling of a very personal rejection and there is constant uncertainty. Uncertainty leaves us unable to heal.
Chemicals do help. The brain does sometimes need those chenicals to keep the balance. For me it is lithium. SSRIs had so many side-effects. Try. It does takes at least 2 weeks to kck in. If you feel it diesnt work, ask to change them. Though ask for therapy. Medicine alone is harder.
Well, I just spent about 4 hours taking out my frustrations on invasive species control. I have to say that it felt very productive and I reclaimed a good bit of land today around the edges of my fields.
It was a bit rough when I first got started because this is really the first time I've used this tractor. I had to hit the manual to find the oil and transmissions fluid dipsticks for 'pre-flight" inspection, since they weren't obvious. There are all kinds of handwritten notations in the manual from H. I really let the tractor be his project last year because he was the one that drove the purchase and I wanted him to feel like it was his. I also thought it would help bond him to the place a bit more. Plainly that didn't work out.
Anyway, all those notes of course reminded me that he was gone and I couldn't just ask him for help any longer. He might be phone call away, but he might as well be on another planet.
No further word from H since his admin email/letting me know he hadn't forgotten about us talking again and was thinking about how to tell his story without blame, etc..
I'm in low contact mode, not totally dark. I am starting to feel like my not responding is a bit rude. I'm going to talk about it with my therapist tomorrow, but any thoughts from anyone here would be appreciated.
Let him dictate the pace of it. He knows you are giving him time.
V
Ok. Thank you for chiming in Vanilla. You are absolutely right. I'll leave him be, and give myself the gift of more time without turmoil.
He knows I am right here, waiting on him. As always...
Patience, and time Phoebe. Hang in there.
Thank you, GWH. I need that reminder sometimes.
Thank you Phoebe for sharing that info. Good stuff for me to know. I know right now that with the events I am going through it may be hard for me to tell if it is natural to feel as awful as I do or if it is side effects.
I will keep a close contact with the doc and I am currently working to see a psychiatrist for therapy to go along with it. Also the IC and my church leader.
I have only been taking them about half a week, but was feeling worse, but all things considered......
I am doing much better this evening and my D17 and I are hanging out and planning out the week and how to replace some stuff that was ransacked. Also we are working to stay in contact with people and meet new ones so we don't sit around with this funk and depression.
Thank you Phoebe for being such a great support and for sharing this info.
Your the best.
Hi, a driveby hug to let you know I am keeping up with you sitch.
I am on ADs too and for me, they are total lifesavers. It doesn't take away the grief totally but it does take the edge off.
I still need to learn to stop my thoughts and self-soothe.
But you're on the right track. Keeping busy is the best way to distract yourself.
Hi, and thank you for the drive-by, JksD.
I wish my meds were having any effect at all, because I am surely in need of having the edge off this sadness.
This morning I got an admin-type email from H, with the up to date balance of one of his retirement accounts. No hello, how are you, just telling me he forgot to get the info to me earlier and wanted to be transparent about this. He did say it was an account "we" own, but that was the only semi-positive thing to be gleaned.
It made me start crying again because he just is so casual and detached. I am so sick of crying every. single. day. I know it must sound pretty lame, me whining all the time. At first after H walked I cried a lot, but that kind of stopped after a couple weeks. Since the PA and "we're over" conversation, it's been happening more often until I'm now back to every day. WTH? It's like this terrible sadness is just barely under the surface now, waiting to pop up at any time, whereas it was in a much safer, deeper place for so long. Yesterday it popped out mid-conversation with my neighbor/friend. It's so embarrassing.
I thought this was supposed to get better over time. Another grief myth, playing out in real time.
I go see my psychologist today. I don't even know what he's doing for me, but I keep going.
SadHub, it helps me to know that I can be of some use to other people right now. I'm glad your'e having a better day.
So I think I kind of freaked out my therapist today. I've been telling him that I shake all the time since the very first time I saw him in February, and lately I've been telling him that I've been struggling more with sadness. Today is the first time he saw it, though, I walked in and was just not doing well, shaking like a leaf, the works...
He let the appointment run late so he could call my GP and get my meds adjusted immediately, instead of me waiting to see her on Wednesday. So, hopefully that will help, but it'll be another 4 full weeks to see the full effect.
Now he's really pushing for me to get myself into a DivorceCare session because he thinks I very much need more social contact and support from people in similar situations. And he wants me to think about taking a class, or anything else that will help be build a larger social network to help balance losing H.
Heading out for a walk with a friend this moment, so I really am working on GAL!! It's just not balancing the grief yet. Onward!!!
Phoebe, I am so sorry you're having such a rough time! Did you shake like this before they put you on meds? So you're sure it's not a side effect?
I wonder if you could get some help from alternative modalities. I would recommend trying essential oils, they have an amazing effect (you won't believe it until you try it) and can be quite powerful and work immediately for the nervous system.
I make a blend of oils in an almond oil base: Lavender, frankinscense, ylang ylang, and bergamot. All of those work great on their own, but the blend creates a wonderful scent and work better than either alone. You can both inhale it and put it on your skin, as long as it is properly diluted. This blend is for anxiety. (Bergamot and Frankinscense are for grief, as well.)
An Epsom salt bath is also profoundly relaxing, again much more powerful than you'd expect, especially if you combine it with the oils.
If there's a reflexologist in your area, these treatments can also give you amazing relief. Reiki is also wonderful.
I work in holistic medicine and the results I see are so powerful, most people who have not experienced it, are stunned. Some of them also involve touch, which is much needed in your situation.
Hi Phoebe,
My heart hurts for you having to go this long and then 4 more weeks to see if the new meds kick in. You are so strong to endure this and you are in my prayers that additional divine strength may come your way so that you may experience peace sooner than later.
I commend you for your can do spirit and for getting after it each day in spite of the grief.
(((Phoebe)))
Enjoy that walk!
Big hugs lovely.
I'm glad to see they are sorting your mess with immediate effect. Hopefully they will help take the edge off enough that you can get up and go about your day.
Such strength and bravery is needed to do a lot of what you're doing. Be proud of yourself, and be kind to yourself. There's a lot of love for you here girl!
The shaking started the moment I realized H was gone, so it's been with me over 4 months, now, and definitely not a side effect. Sometimes it's subtle, like when the rest of me is functioning pretty well, sometimes the shaking is markedly obvious, like when I'm very upset. Today it was really obvious and I just kept trying to hide my hands through the whole visit, but the rest of me was shaking, too. I would have needed a blanket to hide that!!! : )
Honestly, it's enough that it affects my hand writing even on a good day.
We'll see how the next 4 weeks go, I guess. The walk was very nice, and my Mom is coming over in a little bit so we can do some sewing together. Monday night sewing club!!! It's nice to have a few plans.
Thanks for the nice thoughts, SadHub, Cherry, and Painter. I really appreciate the support you've given me.
I'm going to try out the Epsom salt bath this week, Painter, and maybe some aromatherapy, too. I love a nice hot soak, and I haven't had one since before Christmas. I know I've got to do more of that kind of stuff for myself.
My lovely Phoebe, if you are shaking then it's likely that you are low metabolically. Please check as AD may make that worse.
Adenial exhaution or thyroid malfunction is a metabolic state.
I suggest you get a full blood check, include thyroid, vitamin D and diabetes check. Your MD can help.
Get everything tested,even ingrowing toe nail syndrome.
There are others around who are much better qualified than I who can advise.
Tons of hugs
V
Phoebe,
Like you, my hands have been shaky since OW was confirmed. It's been 6 months. It's nice to know I'm not the only one although I don't wish it on anyone! I wonder when my handwriting will ever get back to normal.
Let me know if you find anything that helps you!
My lovely Phoebe, if you are shaking then it's likely that you are low metabolically. Please check as AD may make that worse.
Adenial exhaution or thyroid malfunction is a metabolic state.
I suggest you get a full blood check, include thyroid, vitamin D and diabetes check. Your MD can help.
Get everything tested,even ingrowing toe nail syndrome.
There are others around who are much better qualified than I who can advise.
Tons of hugs
V
An emotional shock or sudden onset stress situation can set off the thyroid. I'm hyperthyroid (controlled with meds), which came on suddenly when I moved away from home at the age of 18. I wasn't diagnosed until I was 37. I have to adjust my meds according to the stress load. The bloodwork is never the same from test to test because of this.
My blood sugar can get low, too, which makes me mostly sleepy - but both thyroid disease and diabetes runs in my family.
My handwriting gets very jerky when I'm emotionally upset, too.
There's definitely a very strong mind-body connection and we can have very physical reactions to emotional input.
But relaxation, meditation, massage and other relaxing activities can help balance our bodies and minds again, too.
I've had a bunch of blood work, including thyroid levels, BG, metabolic, etc. Nothing.
So, things have changed markedly in the last few hours for me. I did some very basic internet research last night, and found way too much without even really trying, including the AP's identity, which led to more knowledge I didn't need to know. If I didn't know, nothing would have changed, but now I know, and I can't sit by and watch my financial future circle the drain, and I have lost what shred of respect I still had for him.
I found that he traveled to a warm foreign country just days after he abandoned me to go to a music festival and almost certainly took his AP with him - the photo that I saw of them both together matched all the greenery and hills in the photos he posted to his photo stream (no green grass and trees in the northeast since they met in 11/15, so the conclusion is obvious).
She was in my house out in the other state just a day or two ago, so that means she was in my bed because there is only one bed in the house, and then she had the audacity to post a photo from my home and list the town on her own photo stream.
I also found out that while he was in Europe last year on a business trip and told me the work had been extended by a week (while I was home, missing him!), that in reality he went traveling off on his own, instead. He posted pics from that, too.
Anyway, the bottom line is that I contacted a lawyer and I am going to file for divorce. I have to protect myself financially, and I am finally ready to do so. If I don't, then what's next? Will he buy himself another house with our money, buy her a sports car, take a few more trips around the world, using the assets we saved and skimped to accumulate over the last 25 years together? He's already blown over $12-15K, and that's just for the things I know about - the apartment and the likely cost of the two trips I found.
I lay awake all night until 6 am before I finally took Xanax to get a couple hours sleep. I am just so disgusted that the person I thought I knew has turned into this, a pathological liar with no moral compass. He has violated my trust by having an affair, by stealing our money for both an apartment that he didn't need (In AP's town, by the way) and selfish travel expenses, by physically abandoning me and literally running away from home, and by lying about it at every single turn.
He even lied and told me that his relationship with AP was nothing, he didn't love her, it was only "friends with benefits," a dead-end relationship because she was moving soon, etc.. Meanwhile I see they booked a date for mid May at an art exhibit and she's at MY HOME. Then there is the idea that he has been lying to me so easily for the last 3 years while he was out clubbing and I was here working on our property, all the while telling me he was going out with colleagues from work. I even encouraged him to do it because I thought it was good that he was bonding with his coworkers.
I gave him yet another opportunity to tell me anything else that he was hiding when I last saw him, and he said that there was nothing left that he had lied about. Lies on top of lies on top of lies.
I realized yesterday that the fantasy life he had constructed for the last few years hinged on my not being a part of his life, and when he walked away from me in December, it was just him bringing his dreams to fruition.
So, major changes and this is me officially dropping the rope. I am so disgusted and demoralized and discouraged right now. How did I not see this?
I had to reschedule my grief counselor session today because I wasn't up to 4 hours of driving, and I figured that doing grief work while I was angry wasn't going to be very useful.
I called my regular therapist, and told him, and he was very supportive. He told me that I needed to arrive at my own conclusions in my own time, but that he thought it was good that I was taking a proactive stance to protect myself.
All in all, a really crummy turn of events. I hope others are having a better day today.
I Forgot to mention - the soonest appointment I can get it the lawyer I already talked to is next Monday. I have a call in to another office, but nothing there yet.
Until then, I am maintaining NC with H and keeping my cards close, as they say. No mention of it to him.
Wow!! I'm so sorry for your pain. I really hope that you get a lawyer ASAP. I've been dealing with my situation today as best as I can, but DAMN!! That his horrible info you found, but I truly would rather know now then later. I'll keep you in my prayers.
Phoebe,
So sorry to hear this, and the pain it's causing you. I guess in a way it was better you found this stuff out know rather then later. Hang in there Phoebe we are all here for you.
Oh phoebe I'm so sorry. I really am, this pain is unbearable and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. Except maybe these spouses doing it to is. Maybe I'm evil, but it's so unfair they do this to us and get on with their life. I can see myself becoming very very bitter towards him
Phoebe,
I am sorry you are going through this, just awful.
Remember to breath and take care of yourself. I know how the thoughts start racing and can start to flood your system with those anxiety inducing chemicals, and we both know that is no fun.
Write out your plan and that can keep it organized and out of the mind so you can focus on what you can do in the moment.
You know I am here supporting you and sending the positive karma your way, but please take care of yourself in the moment and continue marching on with the things you have been doing and this new development can fall into place without disrupting you more.
The biggest most valuable thing that I am learning in my sitch and following others like yours is that all of the plans I have had for the past 20 years were not as much in my control as I would like to think. But even with our WAS doing what they are doing to our plans when I control the moment and myself, things are not as bad as I would think up in my head and I can still pick up the pieces and march on.
Basically living in the moment is where I am finding peace.
I learned this last night while with my babies.
Sorry to be long winded, but I want to reach out and be there for you as you have done for me. Have peace today, be well, and you will get through this and come out for the better.
((((Phoebe))))
Sadly, so can I, and I am not a bitter person. I have given H every benefit of the doubt, telling myself and everyone else that he was lost, not himself, etc. I was patient, I was kind, and in turn I was payed back with further deceit and pain and seeds of mistrust.
I wanted to be the lighthouse, and I have put my light out there, standing tall and bright and doing my best to hold it together, but he can't see anything besides himself right now, and maybe he never will. I apologized for things I thought might have been the problem,things I might have done, I praised him for coming home to the funeral and facing everyone, I owned my share of our relationship issues, but none of it was good enough to even earn a modicum of respect in return.
What chance did faithful, steady me have against Miss Shiny Bright, and the glittery excitement of clubbing and dancing and travel to exotic locations? Of the lure of life as a single man reliving his lost youth? Honestly, I look at what he's done and what he values now and only one word comes to mind: pathetic.
Thank you SadHub. It certainly was information I could have happily lived without finding, but if it gets me to the place I need to be to protect myself and take care of my own future, then I guess it was the kick in the butt that I needed.
It just sux.
Strangely , I'm not feeling as upset as I thought I might right now, though I could burst into tears if I think about any of it too closely. Maybe it's just the level of disgust I am feeling with H now, and the feeling that there is so much less uncertainty. I can't sit by and watch my security disappear, so I need to move forward, even if it's not what I wanted. My old H is gone and I don't recognize this new person, and I really don't want to. I don't share any of the values he is exhibiting, and again, I don't want to. I used to think that he was the best person I knew, and now I don't see anything to admire in him.
I just talked to another lawyer, and scheduled another appointment for Monday. He advised me not to choose anyone based on how quickly they can get me in. Probably good advice. He also advised me that I really need to call a lawyer in H's state because it may be a struggle to prove my residency here. So complicated and such an unwelcome development.
Get yourself an L as soon as.
Interview and find yourself a bulldog.
Sometimes just facing the truth is enough to create a spell break for you.
Big hugs
V
Ugh. Now I called a lawyer in H's state, and all I could do was leave a message.
I actually said on the message "I'm considering initiating a divorce, but... it's not what I want." This is the worst. I don't want it, but I know I need to do it. I want my old life back, but I know it's gone.
I want my old H to suddenly come back form the undead and re-inhabit his body, complete with moral standards and without the pathological lying capabilities. If wish were horses, beggars would ride...
Such a mes. One minute I tell myself he's a disgusting human being, and the next I'm back to mourning the loss of the person I once knew and all the good he once brought to our life together. He's gone now.
So I went for another walk with my friend today, and she just kept asking me if I was OK. I'm really not.
I'm all the D words today - dejected, disgusted, depressed, demoralized, distressed.
So yeah... today is not OK.
Phoebe,
It's hard to hear about your WH's betrayal, but I think in the end it's better to find out now rather than later. You could cut your emotional investment and truly Detach without wasting your time to get what is not attainable.
Good luck with everything.
(((Phoebe)))
You're spinning. It's good to get legal advice first to protect yourself but maybe you could hold off filing first?
Just get the advice and have your ducks in a row. Then maybe you can give yourself some time to cool off a bit first?
Phoebe,
I hope you're feeling better today.
I just saw the message that you left on CWOL's thread. I've read a lot about the affair "fog" and when it comes to EA, the fog seems to be particularly thick because without the elements of PA, the EA is easy to dismiss as "just friends."
I'm in a really weird situation though; my wife is head-over-heals in love with her special friend. As she explains it, it's a special kind of love, like two very close siblings. I'd discovered that for quite a while they went to lunch together every week day, they went on multiple breaks together during the day, and they were texting and calling each other all day long. They had more interaction than we had when my wife and I were courting. Here's the weird thing though, my wife is friends with his wife. His wife actually seems to push him toward my wife. Is that weird or is that weird? My wife claims it's because his wife trusts him. I asked the MC about that (I was actually doing IC after my wife refused to go to MC) and she said, "Some women are like that." Wow!
Anyway, thanks for letting me ramble on your thread. Again, I hope you're feeling better.
Phoebe,
I am sorry yesterday was a difficult one for you.
I wanted to share some other D words that you are,
Decent, Determined, Dedicated, Delightful, Devoted, Dependable, and Devine.
I hope today brings you some moments of peace and opportunities to smile. You deserve both and as V always does for me, I am sending you some Rainbow hugs.
(((Phoebe)))
Be well today sweet Phoebe. Be well
Ramble away, doodler. You're right - it really does seem strange that OM's wife would encourage their closeness.
I wish I were feeling better, but I'm just heading further down the spiral toward... I don't know what. Just in case anyone is worried, I am not a danger to myself, but I feel just awful.
I don't want to file, I don't want to be divorced, I wish I didn't know all those things I learned, and then I would be no worse off than I was, but you can't unring a bell. I know I need to protect myself. I am in distress. My H has absolutely no idea the damage he has done, and he doesn't care.
I've lost another 2 pounds. As a friend of mine said, most women in the US would be like "cry me a river," but now when I get on the scale it's just like I can look at my struggles as a concrete number and it feels like weakness, a failure to even be able to meet my own most basic needs. I put on clothes that fit just a month ago, and they're falling off already. And this is with me TRYING, making an effort to eat on a regular basis, but if I drop my efforts for even a couple days, another couple pounds disappear. At this point I have now lost 31 pounds. I'd rather be happy than thin.
I get comments that I'm getting too skinny, that I'm harming myself. No one seems to understand that I WANT to eat more, that I WANT to feel better. I can't out-think any of this. MY brain telling me that I really am OK doesn't make me FEEL like I'm OK.
Anyway: activities for the day - I go see my GP this afternoon, though I already had my meds adjusted. I have my chickens out free-ranging for the afternoon ( I really do enjoy them) so I'm keeping my eyes on them, laundry, other sundry tasks. Letting myself feel the pain when it comes, as denying it certainly hasn't helped.
Tomorrow is fully scheduled: My grief counselor tomorrow morning, along with the 4 hours of driving that entails. I have my regular therapist in the afternoon, a second appointment this week because I'll take all the support I can get. A meeting in the evening that I go to with my Mom, and we always tack on little side trips like grocery shopping or thrift shopping.
Thank you so much for the list of positive D words, SadHub. That really made me smile, and I needed that today. You are very kind.
Another rough one, but I'm going to head outdoors with that new smile and see what my birds are up to and enjoy some sun.
Phoebe, I don't know how I missed your post yesterday, but I am SO SORRY! ((((Phoebe))))
I'm not going to say that I can't imagine what you feel, because I can, all too well.
It will get better with time. This is probably your lowest point, and it will eventually get better. Perhaps you felt a little more energized yesterday because anger will do that.
When it comes to what you do now - is there a way you can lock up all funds besides regular income until something is decided? I don't know if there is a legal option besides S/D to do that, but in my mind, it's like you're dealing with a family member who is in a manic phase and you have to take care of the practical things, including securing funds. That's how I look at H - I am sad to do certain things and hate to have to, but one of us has to take care of business.
If I could possibly do something to secure all of our finances without going to the S/D option, I would do that in a heartbeat. He truly is a family member gone off the deep end.
The anger phase of yesterday morning is definitely gone by now, and I don't have the clarity and strength that it seemed to bring. Fully back into the self-doubt phase.
Thank you for checking up on me Painter. It means a lot.
Phoebe, do you feel any better after your counselor this morning?
I can relate to the self-doubt, it's amazing how much of our worth is attached to our spouses. Like you said, all the eggs in one basket.
You've just got to do what you can to change the scenery, and put yourself into a place reserved for you. I wish I could say it's going to get better soon. I realize what a chore even the simplest things can be, and I'm not out of this fog after 3+ months. But I know you're gonna do it!
If I could possibly do something to secure all of our finances without going to the S/D option, I would do that in a heartbeat. He truly is a family member gone off the deep end.
Phoebe,
I'm pretty sure the only/best way to secure your finances is to file for separation. Once you do, you can get a separation agreement that will safeguard your assets so they don't disappear.
Have you got a good L?
That is the only way you will know.
And when you do three words (in any order)
Cards
Close
Chest
V
1313, actually my two counselor appointments are both tomorrow. Grief therapist in the morning, psychologist in the afternoon. I wonder how I arrived at this point sometimes. I've never seen a therapist in my life, and now I have multiple? I still don't know if they help, but I'm reaching for anything right now!
Straws, anyone??? : )
My psychologist is grandfatherly, so I can say that I enjoy seeing him. He is a comforting empathetic male presence. My father can't fill that role, so it's nice to have someone in it. Not slamming my Dad, mind you, he's been great, but he's pretty much out of patience with my inability to get over my troubles. I've only seen my grief therapist running once, so I don't have a feel for that process yet.
Feeling OK at the moment. Yes, some of my usual daily waterworks, but nothing that lasted more than a few minutes.
Totally filled with self-doubt about where to go from here, but I'm getting lots of strong opinions from family, friends, my GP...
I have an appt. scheduled with a local lawyer for Monday, and then one in the other state on Friday. Jurisdiction is going to be an issue. So, since I have to go out there for a lawyer, I'll be getting some of my stuff from the house. No way I'm going to stay in a hotel when I have a house I'm already paying for, which means I need to figure out how to convey my occupancy intentions to H. He should be in his apartment, but I'd really prefer not to see him at all. That means more contact, darn it. Ugh. Obviously, I'll just be telling him I'm there to pick up my bike, etc..
Does anyone have any thoughts on legal separation vs. divorce? I have no idea what LS really even entails or what advantages/disadvantages there might be to that option, beyond that it is nearly as expensive as divorce from what I understand.
Still haven't heard any more from H about "telling me his story." That was about 10 say ago now.
And this is the point at which I fess up to my complete foolishness. In a moment of complete insanity, I (just this very moment) sent H a one line email asking if he had had any further thoughts on that front. Why, why, why did I do it? Sigh... It's like I just lost my mind for a a few seconds and my fingers took over the keyboard. Another bell I can't unring.
Why do I still want to give this man a chance after all the things he has done and all the hell he has put me through? I am nowhere near detaching, much as I want to and know I need to. Again, my heart doesn't take good directions from my brain.
DB fail.
Pheobe,
I'm glad to hear you're seeing somebody - and one that is giving you an outlet especially. I thought yesterday you said "tomorrow", so I thought you had already gone. 2? Wow, congratulations. Making up for lost time!
I'm so sorry about having to see an L. The stress is only just starting. I wish I could say different.
Here's my opinion on LS vs D. One buys time. That's it. If you think - truly - you can DR, get your H out of his A fog, then IF you can afford it LS or maybe just trial S is a way to go. The less you start getting L's between you two the better.
At least an L will give you some advice based on specifics of your current sitch. That will give you something to mull over.
I know it's hard to detach, go dark. I couldn't stand it at first. You'll blow it - as I did. Don't worry. It's going to happen. Try, try not to answer. Try, try to let things wait.
Heart doesn't take direction from the brain? They still talking to each other? Hang in there, you'll get through this stretch. It's going to be a while.
Be gentle with yourself. You can't expect to undo decades of attachment without ever slipping up.
LS vs. D - in some states, it's required to have one before the other, I believe? Some states don't actually have a LS option, but a property settlement agreement can replace it.
I always thought you LS before you D - but I see in some states, the road to a D is very short.
Personally, I would LS - it's a transition that can be helpful, I think.
Heart vs. mind - I still think that this is all a nightmare and I'll wake up at some point.
Just go to your second home and do what you need to do. Please do not advance warn WH.
Pay for a cheap B and B.
If you want to press buttons, want drama, police involved. Prewarn him so get can get the locks changed or move your things that will really do it. You can create drama if you want it.
Why prod the sleeping bear?
Why prewarn him?
V
Phoebe, I think you're being too harsh on yourself. I can assure you that when it comes to db failures, you're nowhere near the bar that I keep raising for myself.
I don't burn bridges; I dynamite them. And gosh, what I wouldn't pay for a stfu potion that will work on me. Most days, I can barely speak coherently because both my feet, plus some, are stuck in my mouth.
Good morning Phoebe,
I hope that you are doing well today. Hang in there. Dbing is a long game and mis steps will happen, but the goal is more about the changes you make overall as opposed to minor errors. I see Dbing as a process that changes us, more than actually changing the relationships. And while we are all capable of change, it takes time, there will be old habits and instincts that we slip on, but that is part of the growth process. All in all, you have been under tremendous stress and I see more positive changes in your actions that will far out weigh any error that you feel to have committed.
I have faith and hope for you and your continuous progress. Be sure to GAL today if even for a few minutes and force yourself to smile.
My D17 shared with me that she learned in class yesterday that it is a scientific fact that smiling releases good endorphins that make us feel better. Her teacher does an experiment each year where the students use a pencil on there lips to hold either a smile or a frown for a few minutes and then shows them several comics. The students with the smiles always find the comics to be more funny than the students with the frowns.
Smile big and it will help, I know I have been forcing one for several days and it really is helping
((((Phoebe))))
Good evening Phoebe,
I just wanted to check in on you. I know you had a busy day scheduled, but I wanted to see how you are doing and send some positive energy your way.
Good morning Phoebe,
I hope that you are doing well today. Hang in there. Dbing is a long game and mis steps will happen, but the goal is more about the changes you make overall as opposed to minor errors. I see Dbing as a process that changes us, more than actually changing the relationships. And while we are all capable of change, it takes time, there will be old habits and instincts that we slip on, but that is part of the growth process. All in all, you have been under tremendous stress and I see more positive changes in your actions that will far out weigh any error that you feel to have committed.
I have faith and hope for you and your continuous progress. Be sure to GAL today if even for a few minutes and force yourself to smile.
My D17 shared with me that she learned in class yesterday that it is a scientific fact that smiling releases good endorphins that make us feel better. Her teacher does an experiment each year where the students use a pencil on there lips to hold either a smile or a frown for a few minutes and then shows them several comics. The students with the smiles always find the comics to be more funny than the students with the frowns.
Smile big and it will help, I know I have been forcing one for several days and it really is helping
((((Phoebe))))
This is a very wise post Sadhub.
V
Phoebe,
Hope your having a good day today.
Phoebe,
I wanted to stop by and offer you some support. I have been following your sitch and my heart truly aches for you! I could have written these posts just a couple years ago. Minus the details, are sitches--mainly the anxiety and trauma--are very similar! When my H did this, I was SHOCKED and could not even wrap my head around how he was capable of this!
I fell hard and was a shell of a person; couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, was chronic anxious, and severly depressed. So when I read the threads and advise here, it made sense logistically, but I struggled to apply it to my everyday life. I blew it all the time and I was very hard on myself.
I don't have any magic answers for you and I don't know what your husband will do, but I'm going to tell you a few things I wish I could go back and tell my prior self.
1. Be kind and gentle with yourself. You are a wonderful person and beautiful woman who deserves love, respect, and compassion. H can't give that to you now. Give this to yourself and surround yourself with those that will.
2. Don't waste too much mental energy on H--trying to analyze his every move and intention, trying to DB so he will notice or miss you, or focusing on what may or may not happen. Sweetie, none of can predict what they will do. Let him go. I know it hurts terribly to hear that but it's all you can do. Remember your most confident, strong self? Would she hold on so tight to a man that would treat her this way?
3. Be careful with lawyers. You are extremely vulnerable and they know it. Even with the best intentions they can charge you many hundreds or thousands of dollars and the outcome may be the same. Find all the free advice you can and take all the time you need.
4. This is a very long and painful process. I promise you won't feel this way forever. Deep breathe. You will survive this war, that I can promise.
I believe in you,
Blu
Hello. I really want to thank everyone for all the nice posts over the last couple days. As BluWave reminded me, I am not very kind or gentle to myself sometimes, and it means a lot to find kindness here in this group.
So thank you, SadHub, V, BluWave, Painter, 1313, Rose, and JksD, Cherry, and CWOL, and anyone else who's checked in on me through this joy ride. I really appreciate it.
JksD, you gave me a really good laugh with the dynamite comment, and I needed it.
Yesterday was a pretty good day. I was busy all day long (a mere 5 hours of driving!!!) and spent quality, meaningful time with multiple people. Yes, I did hire two of them, but I really like them both and they are very good to me. I spent 3 HOURS with the grief counselor! She and I both like to chat, so after we covered the meeting topic, and that was about 2 hours, we sat for a while. We meet in her home, and we talked about her cat, or my story, or hers, or whatever came up. I really appreciate how free she has been with her time. Anyone that treats me well right now can win me over in a heartbeat. Good thing I'm not out dating, right? : )
Yes, trying to make a joke, because today is definitely not as good a day thus far. I went to sleep anxious, woke up anxious and shaky, and now I'm back to sad. Even kindness can set it off, so I read all your lovely posts and just started crying. Ah well. As my grief counselor tells me, "there is no way out, but through." If I let myself feel the sadness and pain, then it seems like it passes over me more quickly these days. I'm already feeling better than I was just 20 minutes ago when I sat down to the computer, so that's something!
Isn't it silly that kindness when you're sad can set off the waterworks? (Shaking head...)
After my second appointment yesterday, I had just enough time to run home, do my critter chores, then meet my Mom for our usual Thursday night outing. We have a meeting to go to together, and then we went to the Salvation Army and I found myself a $3 pair of jeans that were super comfy, cute, and fit well. I only shop at thrift stores, so at least it's cheap to get new clothes as I'm shrinking out of my old ones.
So I got a pretty quick reply from H, as I expected I would, but he really didn't say anything. Actually, the reply was off-putting. Something like 'writing, but can't find a constructive way to organize thoughts." That's it. Constructive, huh? Then a second email asking if I was doing OK, and telling me he is OK. Total afterthought. Part of me is like "Who the heck cares if you're OK, anyway?" Not going to respond to that silly weak preudo-temp check.
So, it's a Friday and I have no plans. I do OK on the weekdays, generally, but my support kind of falls off on the Friday to Sunday stretch. My neighbor friend spends time with her own H for the 3-day weekends, because he works out of town, so she's out of the picture. There are no visits to docs or therapists, my other friend lives out of state, and my parents need a break from me. Anyone want to go out? Just kidding.
My regular therapist is now giving me things. Sometimes it's a book to borrow and read, yesterday it was a handout on behavioral strategies for depression. Included was a list of 185 fun things to do. I scanned the list and joked with him that #7 was out (going on a date), and certainly #52 was a nonstarter (sex), and I'd prefer to stop #58 (losing weight)!!! Anyway, it was funny.
What I do need to do is deal with a large rodent (squirrel?) incursion into the skirting on my house. I went outside today and saw that there is a 4 inch hole in the wood and they pulled out a bunch of insulation. I've got to board that up PDQ. Always something...
Hello, hello!
Strangely, I've been feeling pretty darn good for the last day and a half. Yesterday started out rough, but I did what I said I would; I just let myself feel the sadness instead of trying to push it down, and then it passed. Then I read a post from BluWave, and I felt something small inside me shift a little bit. I can't explain it, but something feels different. Maybe a shift towards valuing myself over H, or detaching from him more? I'm not sure yet what it is, but it's something...
I can even think about the AP and actually feel kind of sorry for her. I mean, she's found this very messed up, damaged person and she thinks he's a catch? Not so much. I must be in a good mood because I just laughed as I wrote that. Love my H, but he's like a slow-motion train wreck and anyone with a brain ought to RUN AWAY!!!
Anyway, I am feeling strangely happy today, and I'm going to run with it and go out and see a cheap movie this afternoon. All by myself! Heck, once the lights go down, it's not like you pay any attention to who's next to you in a movie, anyway, right? There is a movie house here that plays films for only a couple bucks. I feel like I'm being both frugal and doing something fun for myself. Perfect.
I've been keeping a list for my therapist of the little things I have been up to so that he doesn't think I actually just sit around all day and mope in a fetal position. He likes to ask me what my plans are for the next few days, and I never have anything concrete to report. I think that makes him think I am more depressive than I really am. I am more sad than depressive, and frankly, given what I'm going through, it's totally normal and understandable. Grief will do that to a person. I do not lay in bed all day crying. Every single day since my H walked out I get up, shower, make breakfast, do my chores, and keep on moving. Some days have been beyond tolerance, but others are better. I cry when it hits me, and I laugh, too.
Today I feel like laughing. I put on my "new" pair of jeans and a sparkly denim jacket. Maybe I should just embrace the damn weight loss, eh??? I may be worried about it because I can't seem to stop it, and I feel like my grief is physically written all over my body and that makes me feel very vulnerable...
...BUT I looked in the mirror today and thought for the first time since December - hey, I look kind of good. Sexy, even. It's a nice feeling.
It helps that I bought some jeans that fit again.
Maybe the sun is peeking out from my cloudy skies a bit? Who knows what tomorrow's roller coaster ride will bring, but I'm going to make the most of the way I feel right now.
I hope everyone has a sparkly day!
Hey Phoebe, that post by BluWave was a real eye opener for me too. If we do not focus on getting ourselves right, then there's no hope for us to even try and be with our WW's/WH's.
Good morning Phoebe!
It is wonderful to hear that you are feeling well today.
I chuckled a little at your comments about embracing the weight loss, because my D17 teased me not so long ago about her wanting to try out my "depression weight loss program" as she wanted to trim a few pounds. She was teasing me, to try and get me to stop worrying about it so much and it did make me smile. So while I don't recommend the program, I guess we can embrace it and work to adjust it for our benefit, right?
It's also good to hear that you are accepting the sadness instead of fighting it as that gives me inspiration. I fight all of the crazy feelings and emotions so frequently that I am thinking that is why I have more struggles some days. Again my wise D17 was just telling me to accept it,let it come through and I will move through it faster . It is counter intuitive but it seems to have some merit to it.
It is a roller coaster ride, but I know in my heart it will slow down, equalize and we will learn invaluable lessons about ourselves and what we are really capable of doing.
Cherish these good days as the memory of them will help us in the difficult days.
Well I am off to enjoy some quality time with my baby girls and these are the moments I will focus on cherishing.
I look forward to your next post sharing the wonderful things you experience today.
Phoebe,
So glad to hear your having a good day today. You so deserve it, and many more.
Phoebe,
You're sounding good! And your PMA is rubbing off on me.
Maybe I should quickly finish my chores and go catch a movie on my own too. I love watching movies on my own, even when I was M. I am a loner this way.
Hi again. The day's closing, and I just wanted to share that today has truly been my first genuinely GOOD day since H walked away.
Even now, I'm sitting here, and smiling, as I type those horrible words. Yes, indeed, my husband abandoned me, and you know what? He is a blithering idiot.
I feel so much more like myself today than I've felt in months, and, my oh my, is it a welcome feeling. I really don't know what's happened, but I am rolling with it, because I don't know how long it will last.
The movie I saw today (The Fifth Wave) was so incredibly BAD that I am still just laughing about it. That said, it gave me at least $2 worth of amusement, so it was totally worth the price of admission. After the movie I hit a couple thrift shops and found 2 more pair of jeans that fit and look good, and a couple shirts, so I'm pretty pleased with my efforts. My baggy clothes made me look genuinely ill, but the new ones make me feel a whole lot better about myself.
I had my music cranked up today in the car, and I did some car seat dancing at a few lights. Today I just had some fun all by myself.
After that, I did a bit of grocery shopping, and now I'm supposed to be baking a birthday cake, but I see that I'm running really late after spending so much time here (oops!!!). so it'll have to wait until tomorrow. I absolutely love to bake, and I haven't baked one single thing since December. Time to fix that.
My marriage may have died, but I sure as he11 haven't.
I love seeing how good you are doing today. It is simply amazing to see some sass in your actions today. Keep it up as it is inspirational for many of us to follow you as you grow stronger in spite of the storm you are weathering.
Sending good vibes to you so that you may continue on this path tomorrow.
(((Big hugs))) and high fives for this successful day.
Oh, that is such great news, Phoebe! It's so important to find that place to know that you'll be okay.
When H and I were in the first stages of rebuilding, I went to the movies by myself and truly enjoyed it.
Music is also so important to lift the mood - I just watched again a clip with Jennifer Lopez and James Cordon where they do car karaoke. You should google it, it's so charming and funny!
This is journey my lovely, there will be good and tough phases.
Whilst all is peaceful and calm stay and bask.
Please look after your health, extreme care in nutrition, examine whether you require supplements if you are losing weight.
The one thing I have lost is my beautiful hair in handfuls. I hope it returns quickly as I am eating well now. When I say extreme care of yourself that means eating. The separation diet hits most of us in one of two ways, eating for stress and not eating for stress. Neither of these are healthy.
Much love for a very brave lady
V
Reading about your day made me happy!
You are an inspiration.
Good morning to all. So far so good today. I had a couple moments of that old anxious feeling this morning while I was laying awake, but I just moved my thoughts gently along to something else, and it seemed to help.
I'm really making an effort to let thoughts of H pass through me today, instead of focusing on them. So if a thought wanders into my head, I'm trying to let it wander on by. It's sort of like what I have done in the past with meditation. I hear/see/sense the thought, and then I let it go.
Anyway, that's today's experiment. I have much to learn, but I'm still feeling that positive "shifted" sort of feeling that I've had the last couple days. Still rolling with it.
I'll be doing some more property cleanup today, so that is exciting, and it gets me out of doors, another very good thing.
More later! All the best for my fellow DBers for a positive day.
Phoebe! I am so relieved to read all of this. You have made MY day with these posts! And I am so glad that my words were encouraging; it makes it all worth while.
You are doing wonderful. One day at a time. And there will be those good days like yesterday and then some days not so good. Then there will be those days that are hard to even get out of bed. That is okay too. Because over time, there will be more good days than bad.
Take care of yourself, do the best you can do, and most important is to forgive yourself for all those mistakes. You are only human. Keep on journaling here. Keep on moving forward. Keep on keeping on! I am so proud of you.
And you are right on that H is a total idiot! When he finally pulls his head out of his arse, you may just realize you have already moved on. The universe always has a way of sorting these things out, doesn't it.
So cheers to another great day! ... Or to another crap-y day and starting over fresh tomorrow.
XOXO
-Blu
Beautiful phoebe. I am so happy to see you have had a few good days. And I love you are feeling a bit more like you. Huge hugs your way.
We do have good and bad days, I think taking care of yourself is the best advise anyone can give. It's amazing what a pma can do. Jksd summed up looking after yourself first in a great analogy- the whole putting your oxygen mask on first. Too true.
Shopping soothes the soul for sure. I hope your swaying those hips in those new jeans if not for anyone else but you. I had a great Victoria secrets shop the other week. And I am loving swinging my hips feeling good about me. Those French designers had me spending lots on things that make me feel good. And the old depression diet made my bikini figure look good.
Wishing you nothing but great thoughts. Like you said, the WAS isn't really a catch right now. Would we have given them time of day for this treatment when we first met them? Certainly not
Nope. You've got me totally right, Cherry!! My feeling good in my new jeans is just about me feeling better. It really does help my self-image and thoughts about the weight loss to have clothes that fit. I'm so glad that you've been doing so well on your trip. That makes me very happy.
BluWave, I really have to thank you. I don't know why, but what you wrote has helped me tremendously. I know that there will be plenty of crummy days yet to come, but I think that my perspective has shifted because of what you wrote. I really am starting to realize that I am OK on my own.
I just got some major stuff accomplished at my place AND I just met a local beekeeper (who happened to stop by to purchase 2 dozen of my birds' best eggs and decided to drive in and chat). This may be a very good thing for me. I've been wanting to keep bees for a few years now, and I have just never gotten around to it. He offered to help me get set up to keep my own hive, and I may just take him up on the offer! I'm thinking that maybe this is the year, so it's kind of an exciting and serendipitous development.
In addition to that, I went out and strolled my land a bit. I was out showing the metal scrapper who's been helping me clean up around here some more stuff that needs to be taken out and he was kind of in awe of my property. It was a nice reminder about all I have here. I'm not bragging, but it really is beautiful land in a beautiful place. Yet another reason my H is a blithering idiot. Who would want to leave me AND all this?
I just told my story to the lawn guy. He commented on how much we had been getting done since last year, and I just started by telling him it was just me getting things done these days. I was even able to keep smiling while I told the story, which is a huge improvement. I suppose that maybe I should keep my story to myself, but you know what? I'm alone now and it's not my fault. I'm starting to put aside the feelings of shame and failure that I have. I got a great hug and he reminded me that I need to take people up on their offers to help me right now, that I need to let people care for me and support me. He's right.
As I read what I just wrote, it strikes me that you are probably wondering why I have all these men around today??? They're just the ones that happened to stop by. Just saying that if there were women stopping by I'd be talking about them, instead!!!
Thank you everyone for all your support through my rough days, and for the encouragement on the good ones, too! It means a lot to me.
Phoebe, I love everything about this post! You are doing awesome!
You WILL be okay and you WILL come out a stronger and more confident woman. As you move along this journey, you will continue to find more silver linings. Embrace them. Allow yourself to grow in your confidence and independence. Continue to write it down here, or journal it somewhere else, and in your darker moments you can read it and remind yourself of where you are going.
You are going to be great, better than before. ... And yeah, your H is clearly an idiot. I hope for his sake he doesn't blow it entirely with you!
-Blu
You go girl!!!
I love seeing that you have had 2 days in a row of being on top of the world. It is a well deserved break for you and the best part is that you sound to be in control with PMA.
I am super excited for you and look forward to more reports of days such as these.
Hi SadHub and BluWave! Thank you for the votes of confidence.
Tomorrow I see a local lawyer, so it may be a tougher day. I see my therapist in the afternoon, so I'm looking forward to that. If the appointment with the lawyer gets me down, then I know I have someone to talk to already on my docket. I should be walking again tomorrow if all goes as planned, too.
I've been missing physical contact today, though I did get 3 hugs, or maybe because of it. A handful of nice hugs are not the same as the daily contact I had with H whenever we were together. That lasted right up until the last time we parted before he bailed. We went out to dinner, hugged and kissed and expressed our love and laughed together about an inside joke, and then he drove off to the other state for what was to be a couple days of work, and I drove home. It's a hard memory to replay. It reminds me of how confusing all of this is.
Touch is my main love language and I miss being touched by another person. Feeling sad just thinking about it, so I'm back to crying. Crap-tastic. I'm still going with the "let myself feel the pain" plan. It's passing already, so I think feeling the sadness and then releasing it is working.
This evening I've been thinking a lot more about H, and for a lot of reasons. I told my story twice today and then my walking friend came over for a while. H kept coming up, as she wanted to know how I was doing and what I'd heard from H. On the upside, she really seemed to notice that I was doing a lot better than last week, so that was good. I can laugh and smile now, last week that took real effort.
On the other hand, she pointed out how skinny I've gotten and asked me to stop losing weight. So it was back to feeling like I'm wearing my problems right out there in plain sight again.
Other than those couple things, It was a good day, maybe not as great as yesterday, but still a major improvement over this time last week. I'm going to call it a significant improvement.
Time to head out for the night. I'm still not sleeping in my own home at night. I spend the whole day here (or out and about), but every night I return to the place near my family. I like seeing them in the mornings, and having breakfast with them.
Sleep tight Phoebe.
Tomorrow is another day and another opportunity to practice PMA and heal. It is a process, but one that whether physically or emotionally takes time, a determined focus, mistakes, do overs, and did I say time?
Just focus on one thing at a time and that will minimize the anxiety. And you know that I know that is easier said than done, but it does work when it is done.
Sleep well.
Phoebe, it's your thread and you can talk about men or women or men and women.
You sound like you've found some sort of equilibrium. Keep working on you and your H may eventually realise that he is more than a blithering idiot to have left you.
Good morning! Super shaky this morning (actually seems like it might be getting more noticeable over time?), but mentally OK.
First stop this morning is the lawyer, and I have so much trepidation about it. I guess I'll figure it out as I go...
Have a good day, everyone. Wish me luck.
Sending you some hugs for comfort and calm as you take on this day.
Shakes or no, you are a strong confident woman that can take this on today.
((((Phoebe))))
You got this!
Phoebe you got this. Deep breaths and look how far you've come
Hi guys! Thanks for the encouragement.
Well.... that wasn't a whole lot of fun, but it wasn't awful, either. Possibly the most uncomfortable part of the meeting with the L was him asking me, literally within minutes of meeting me, if I had seen a therapist to help me with my pain. Ugh. Very disempowering, and then he told me I needed to speak up. I've heard that for my entire life. Double Ugh.
Anyway, I learned a lot, and that was why I went there. We talked a lot about the issue of jurisdiction, spousal support, asset distribution, the usual stuff. He said that mine is one of the few cases where it might actually make a difference who files first, simply because it will likely proceed in whichever state the suit is initiated in. That matters in my case due to the support issue, as that varies between states. Not that I couldn't survive without it, but I'd rather have it, considering the way I feel. I certainly know I'm not fit to work full time right now! The hand shaking is getting worse, so I can't imagine doing the work I am licensed to do, even while the rest of me seems to be doing better. Strange, but there it is.
So my therapist has now asked me to do twice daily meditation/relaxation for 15-20 minutes. He actually suggested it already, but I didn't do it, and now he pretty much insists. Sooo... he guided me through a 12 minute round of muscle-guided relaxation in-office, and I'll do it on my own from now on, or something like it.
He's not happy about the shaking or the weight loss, so he says I need to find a way to calm myself and now he's also on me about eating more. If there's one thing I have never liked in this world, it's the feeling that I am disappointing someone, and I guess I feel that way right now. I'm sure he doesn't want me to think I've disappointed him, but I guess I do. Another person telling me I need to take better care of myself.
I. AM. TRYING.
So, I'm sitting here drinking a Carnation instant breakfast kind of concoction made with buttermilk. Mmmmm... the tartness of the buttermilk cuts the sicky sweetness of the Carnation, and the end result is a bit like chocolate-flavored kefir. Not too awful, I guess, but not so great, either. It's calories, I guess, but it's not an experiment I want to repeat. Had to pitch the last third of it. Blech.
Now I am going to go for a walk. It's cloudy and a chilly and a bit drizzly, but it's always good to be outdoors.
Hey Phoebe!
You are not disappointing anyone. You are getting support from those that see the small steps to getting you back on track. I know the challenge as you and I have cheered each other on as our mental and physical beings are taking on actions of there own. The advice for eating, resting and mental excercises will help us heal. I know you know that and I know you are giving everything you got, but the challenge remains.
Let's look at like like physical therapy for an accident victim that may have lost the use of their legs. The physical therapy is extremely painful and feels almost impossible to do and it is easier to not give to much effort or feel badly when we can't get through the session. But the only one we are disappointing is ourselves if we do not get back up and try.
You have given so much through all of this, and you are being cheered on by the support group of lawyers, therapists,friends and family. But use their feedback and advice to fire yourself up to do the difficult things, because you know in your heart it will only make you stronger.
Find that white anger that V always talks about and that will drive you more than feelings of guilt for disappointing someone because you have not followed through on what they ask of you.
I have you in my prayers, I know first hand some of what you are going through and I still have a lump from the 2x4 you gave me, so I want to return the favor
Finish this day strong with some nourishment ,exercise, meditation, and find something to give you a good laugh.
Some rainbow hugs for you as well as I know those always give me a little boost and I want you to feel the same boost to do what will heal you.
((((Phoebe))))
Phoebe, I didn't want to say anything about it not lasting when you posted about your really good day, but the important thing is that you now know you can feel that way and you will again. This is temporary. I remember when my son was a baby and screamed at night, I was walking up and down the floor with him for what seemed like hours, and kept saying 'It's not going to be like this when he's 18, it's not going to be like this when he's 18'.
Have you checked about getting a massage (or five)? Also, I wouldn't do Carnation - I'd go for chocolate ice cream.
Smoothies are also great, you can stuff a lot of nutrition in a very tasty drink. And add chocolate ice cream.
I'm glad you got good and useful information from the L. Does this mean you may file? That's a big decision. It's so difficult, because you should protect yourself financially, but for us LBS's, it feels like such an emotional decision and message, as well... I know it was so hard for me to even consider moving forward, because I felt like it made me responsible for ending the M. But it doesn't, the WAS ended the M when they left for the OP.
Hey Painter and SadHub. I know I sounded kind of glum earlier, but I really did mean it when I said that I am feeling better mentally. Overall, I am still waaaaay better than last week. The shaking is ongoing, but I'm feeling better in my head, or at least I am most of the time. Sad moments happen, of course, but they also pass more quickly. Still just letting myself feel it, acknowledging that it is real and for a reason, and then I let it pass on its own. So far, that approach is helping me tremendously.
I just don't like disappointing people, particularly those I like. It's not a huge deal, just a feeling I get sometimes.
I'm still smiling and pleased this evening. Honest. Why, you ask? Another job well done hereabouts!!! I just sent the scrap guy off with a bunch of goodies, and I have scored a new clean space on my property where an ugly mess once stood. In a couple more days he and I are going to pull out about 400 feet of heavy (think 1" diameter) aluminum wire from an in-groud conduit, and I will have yet another mess out of my life. Wahoo!!! Stuff like that makes me feel like I'm really getting something accomplished, in this case healing my land, and that, in turn, makes me happy.
Plus, I get the extra bonus of actual interaction with a fellow human being. Also a good thing.
I haven't yet decided if/when I will file. I know I should, but I guess i'm not quite there yet. You are right, Painter - it really does feel like such a message. In my brain I am still standing. Still have to meet with a L in the other state on Friday, and gather more information. Why decide now, when I can procrastinate?
I didn't end up walking because my friend bowed out at just about the same time the scrap dude showed up, so it worked out just fine. I was still occupied and interacting with someone.
Off for my daily evening commute!
Very nice Phoebe. It is good to hear that you are feeling better mentally.
I so am going to try your technique for accepting it and letting it pass through. In all the glory that is my stubbornness I try to fight it and hold it back, but that's not working out so well.
I love hearing that you are smiling and feeling a sense of accomplishment. That really does the soul good and it also starts sending those positive chemicals rushing through your body and in good time can off set the not so good ones that have us all in a tizzy.
It is great to hear that you are plugging along and on an upward swing even with some challenging decisions and actions coming up.
Have a wonderful night and keep that smile on your face.
Phoebe, I am certain that you have not disappointed anyone! Your motivation, courage, and transparency during this chaos H has created, is truly admirable. I love reading about what you are up to and how you are finding PMA in your day to day accomplishments.
I think the anxiety, lack of sleep, weight loss, and SSRIs, are a recipe for shakiness. I am glad your therapist it attuned to this and expressing concern. It is difficult to function with the chronic stress, fight-or-flight, hormones pumping through your system! Physical stress and hunger alone can keep you up all night, not to mention your anxiety and mind racing. So meditation and mind calming exercises are great. There are lots of aps you can put on your phone with guided relaxation exercises.
The weight thing and how people react never ceases to amaze me! I am a normal sized person and so during my crisis, when I lost over 30 pounds, it was so obvious. I was quite underweight and thus had even more trouble sleeping. I felt and probably looked terrible most days. I couldn't go to work without several people commenting each day on "wow, how did you lose so much weight?" or "You look great!" ... I have heard of cancer patients reporting the same thing. That is what we value in our culture--underweight & ill appearing. What a shame. Sigh.
So I am glad you are embracing your new look. Now that H has been back a year, I have gained all my weight back. Would have been nice to keep some of it off. Just a little ...
-Blu
Another pretty good day today. Haven't heard from H at all since his last wierd reply to me last week, so I've been totally dark. Honestly, the less I hear from him the better I am able to focus on getting myself into a better place, mentally, because I'm thinking about him so much less. I really did need the break and wish I'd just had the guts to do it sooner, like immediately after the PA came to light.
I've had a lot less shaking for the last two days, and all because the dose of my Beta-blocker is now doubled and I'm taking it in the morning. Beta-blockers work by blocking (!) the fight or flight hormone, epinephrine. For two days it's down to a minor tremor, and I can live with that.
I did some nice GAL stuff today. I saw a movie with my friend and her step mother, I got that birthday cake frosted and delivered. It was from scratch and turned out really well. Then I spent a few hours seeing with my mom, which I always enjoy - girls night!
Hope everyone had a good day.
Sewing with my mom. Not seeing. Oops.
Sounds like you had another good day!
I agree with you, the less interaction I have with H, the better I feel - although I hate not having interaction. Contact is like fast food, it has an enticing smell and it tastes good just at the moment, but afterwards I feel sick.
I got an e-mail from him this morning, just brief business, but it triggered so much sadness and tonight I've been crying several times.
I'm glad changing the betablockers helped, did they tell you to make sure you drink water even if you're not thirsty? It also blocks the thirst to a degree, I was informed. I can't take them anymore, they either made my blood pressure too low (especially when I didn't drink enough water!) or my chest started to hurt really bad about 20 minutes after I took them.
Son and I watched a funny series on Netflix tonight, it's called Documentary Now! and is a series of mockumentaries created by some of the SNL crew. They were absolutely hilarious!
Tomorrow, we plan on watching The Hundred-Foot Journey with Helen Mirren, a friend recommended it. Which movie did you see?
Good morning Phoebe,
It is good to hear that you have gotten the shakiness down. That does wonders for the physical and mental well being I imagine. I need to keep trying to figure that out. That and how to get a good nights rest.
I wanted to let you know that we read the first chapter of our meditation book and practiced 1 minute meditation by focusing on our breath. When other thoughts passed into our minds we were to acknowledge them and the let the " evaporate".
Not fight them nor dwell on them. I did alright for a minute and had to continually try this throughout the night.
I hope you have a wonderful day and I will keep you updated tonight on the meditation challenge day 2.
The shakiness I find, is often due to the lack of eating. It is so hard, as you know- I've found eating a bit of a chore so glad to hear you are tackling that. And I'm sure it will help you get strength- especially as you do a lot of manual work.
Glad to hear you are really taking charge- surround yourself with good people that love you and look after your help!
Hope you have a great day planned in
@Cherry,
Regarding eating, I find that drinking soup helps, there is no effort in chewing and one still gets in those nutrients.
@sadhub,
I also find that focusing on my breathing really helps me to sleep and relax, it blocks everything out and i slowly drift off. When i awake during the night i do the same, and i'm back to sleep in a minute or so.
I think your junk food analogy about spousal contact is dead on, Painter. I crave it, yet it leaves me feeling sick - both heart sick, and physically sick. Definitely liking the time off from both. I'm so sorry that you had a rough time after hearing from you own H. It really is a difficult trigger. Try not to read too much into anything he writes.
I'll be sure to drink plenty of water. I've been on this dose many times in the past, and I've always tolerated it well, but I do know my BP gets a bit low on it. On the other hand, my tolerance for the shakes is at an all time low, so I'm going to take it. Shaky this morning again, but that's definitely from food deficiency, and nothing new.
SadHub, your'e off to a great start on your meditation! I did 15 minutes yesterday evening, and it was OK. I had a hard time getting non-focused! Road noise kept invading my mental space. I tried again last night before bed, and found myself falling asleep, so I guess I was doing a better job. After 10 minutes I thought I couldn't possibly stay awake, so I called it off. Here's the kicker, though, After that I lay awake for HOURS, so that was frustrating. Eventually I got to sleep with some pharma intervention and then overslept, but I needed it.
I just did 20 minutes of meditation again, and did a better job, but I did find myself having thoughts that took me a bit of time to recognize and then release. Still, it was a much better session than either of yesterday's attempts, so I'll call it a success.
I have an appointment with my therapist again this afternoon, and I have to go gather up my chickens before I head out. It's a beautiful day here and they're out having a jolly time doing birdie things. I have found a lot of solace in my animals over the last few months.
Oh, I forgot - I saw The Jungle Book yesterday. My two companions really liked it, and I told them I agreed, but, honestly, I thought it was just OK. I wasn't that fond of the little kid (on his behalf, it's got to be pretty tough to act authentically when you are just standing in front of a green screen, as the movie is all CG), and the movie was filmed in 3D, which I always find to be just a silly gimmick. Anyway, that's my 2 cents. I really did, however, enjoy getting out and spending time with other people, so overall I had a great time.
Wishing everyone a day of peace and healing.
Phoebe, you sound so good.
Your whole demeanor and tone has shifted so much for the better. I'm so glad you're finding some peace and happiness in the middle of this mad ride. Chickens are the best! Just sitting in the sun listening to them cluck and coo and peck is so calming. Do you have any of them that will cuddle? It seems the RIRs are the most people-friendly ones, my son used to carry one around when he was little.
I'm not so great with meditating unless it's guided. I have a favorite one with Deepak Chopra downloaded to my computer. His voice is very soothing!
Meditation can be difficult if you're going through a traumatic event. For some people with severe anxiety, it's not even always recommended. I found out when my stepdaughter tried it and was advised not to do it. Don't judge yourself on how you 'do' with a meditation!
It's always important to be careful with betablockers, esp since you have lost weight. It's good to have a BP machine at home--there are ones from the drugstore that can also check pulse. If you feel dizzy when you stand (orthostatic) that is a sign it may be too much. Wouldn't hurt to check BP and pulse a couple times a day. Just sayin :-) Also, trazadone is probably the best (less side effects) sleep aid out there--not sure if this is against board policy--but it may be worth asking your doc about it if you really can't sleep.
The meditation is great! I def should have done that more to keep myself calm and get centered. Instead I turned to some other naughty habits, that probably weren't good for me ...
-Blu
Please start a new thread