Have you ever been to the fair and rode the tilt a whirl? It is my least favorite ride. I get dizzy,feel like I will vomit, can't wait until it is over. Kind of how I feel about my D sometimes.
Nothing much is happening.. Something in H switched this last week. Maybe he can tell I'm detaching. We switched roles.
I'm distant, gal, limited contact..just really trying to get over it all and be happy while life goes on.
Lately he is complimenting me, being caring, thanking me, respecting boundaries ( except he tries to hug me still) etc.
Maybe I'm really detached. I Have embraced and accepted that this is my life.Doesn't matter What I want. Doesn't matter What I think. All that matters is I'm doing What is best for me and my children right now.
I know He could give me papers tomorrow, I would live. I Have money, job, place to live, kids, family,friends, you guys.
I don't accept his love. Confuses me sometimes but I just accept that while He is with the ow it is either him trying to butter me up for divorce, him trying to see What I'm up to or just trying to be civil co parents.
Job starts Monday!
Hopefully next week will be a great week.
Such awesome growth in you. You're finally getting it. You don't need him. You never did. Want him, yes. Need him, no. That gives you power. Your new detached self will probably notice a big change in him now. He thought he controlled this situation. He won't like that he doesn't. BTW, no more hugs unless you initiate them. He doesn't get to hug you because he wants to. That's your choice. You are in 100% control of your life. He gets ZERO say because he wanted out. Fine, he's out. He has to learn what that really means. No more cake for him. I'm so happy for you. You rock!
No he doesn't txhubby lol. He asks why umm distant, ignoring him, so busy. I just day I'm just busy with my life.
I don't give him hugs, lately if he puts his arms up for one he gets a low five, fist bust etc. Sometimes he will come hug me from behind but I just step away and go back to what I'm doing.
Some days are still hard but 95% okay days.
Yesterday while he was here visiting the kids. I spoiled myself. New night dress( like girls night out),nails done, smelly perfume, grocery shopping while he babysat.
Happy easter you guys!
Red, I love it! I hope your night out on the town (grocery shopping) was fab!
Let us know how your first day at work went.
V
It went well! Love the little babies! They are too cute. Lots of diaper changes today..30 to be exact. 3x 10 kids. H sent s3 in with muffin for me for breakfast when he dropped d5 off to school at 8:45 and I get there at 6:55. He had also bought lunch for me when I got home from work as well. He is still kissing butt right now. Reorganized my cupboards and did my laundry for me. I didn't see him long, maybe 15 minutes or less today. It is nice but annoying at the same time.
You keep getting stronger and stronger Red, good for you!
Why annoying, Red? Is he really living with ow? That sux.
He isnt but is.. Be stays there every available night he can and soon he is moving into his friends and i heard she will bee staying there as well full time so Idk. I try not to ask or find out
So he has her whenever he wants and he has access to his family whenever he wants. Sounds like a perfect piece of cake for him. He's loving life. He doesn't want the family. He has walked out on the family yet still wants the family available to him when he is gracious enough to allow you and the kids to spend some time in the presence of his greatness. What an utterly soul crushing existence for you. My heart breaks for your situation but angers for it too because I know it could be different.
This man chose some skank over his family. He has to learn what that means. He can have the skank. What he can't have is access to you and the kiddos. Not anymore. That's not how life works. Make him feel that pain. He deserves it and it could wise his dumb a$$ up. He has to feel real pain and loss or there is zero reason for him to change.
So I know I'm not you... but is it really so bad if he cleans up trying to suck up or whatever? It sounds like you have tremendous strength right now! Keep it up! Treat yourself to more "you dates" if you enjoyed yourself. Maybe go on an actual girls night out while he watches the kids.
Red,
Hope things are still going well for you and that you are having some fun with your GAL.
It's very impressive that you changed things around so fast. I think you are handling well w/XH. And I kind of understand that right now things really seem like he is cake eating.
The truth is that he is still paying for the majority of the bills and you still need to get yourself in a more solid financial position.
If it is necessary, then just try to keep your distance. Sometimes things are not so simple as we need to stand by ourselves and makes ends meet.
IMHO, I would keep things the way they are and just keep my distance as best as possible. I would move on the more drastically boundaries once I was standing in solid ground.
In the meantime, let him go crazy for losing you day after day a little more. Also, keep saving on your register #2, it will also help you to start somewhere if those times comes.
You are an amazing woman Red, be proud of yourself.
Love,
Pink
Thinking about you girly, it's been a while! I need to catch up!
Roar- i miss your face I hope you are good!
Pink- I am..I don't know today. Struggling today. He does things that just make my head explode..like yesterday before a big exam to become a nursing assitant he shows up with flowers and kisses me unexpectantly like from some movie. I was just speechless, and running late so I had to GO..and then today distant and cold. It's just draining sometimes.
I am trying my best to GAL, I have my job, got my cna license, my jobs paying for me to complete some certifications online, etc.
I am trying my best to keep my distance. Have boundaries, but yes he pays 100% of everything still and we still share the house and it's still hard on that front.
Hey V- Not much new. Same as always.. Trying my best to detach and stop his cake eating.
That is a lot of news Red.
There are these phases where we just keep on keeping on.
The space between.
I quite enjoy these times, they are calmer and I feel in control.
V
Hi sweet child,
I would like to say that he is in a "regret mode", but from the bottom of my heart I can't.
The experience I have from my separation from my XH is that they do this things and I do not even understand why.
Sometimes I read your lines and I recall all what my jerk XH did to me. Flowers, attention, kisses and so on. Sometimes I really believed that he was being genuine and maybe he would just reconsider his choices, but then when my hopes were high, I got the distance, the cold shoulder, the selfishness.
I don't know what to say besides that you are doing right for yourself. All what you are doing for your career is yours to keep and will always make you proud of yourself.
You are a good person, but unfortunately, you end up with some insecure, selfish, egocentric, narcissistic, controlling bastard that will need to learn a lot to have a decent life on his own.
I know you H has many qualities too, but is lacking respect for himself, you and the kids. You are the strong link and it's unfair that you need to be.
I guess all I can say from my own experience is that it hurt to be away from our spouses, but it hurt more when you feel they use you, they abuse you because they know you love them, they take advantage on your pain, and that is not cool.
So, protect yourself from further pain and let him be. Don't engage on his games and stupidities. Treat him his some caring, respect, but don't let him hurt your heart anymore.
I am very proud of you Red, from the time I first met you here to this day, I can see how much you learned, and how much you have grown. You are an amazing woman and even with tears, heartaches and wounds you will thrive.
Love you child,
Pink
I have to agree with everything Pink says. I'm being put through the same thing here with H (although it's less now, he's back to angry and difficult to deal with).
But you are doing fantastic!
Hey V ..yeah I'm mostly okay.
Same H crap as always. Always wants to love on me, try to touch and hug me,call me,buy me gifts etc.
He brought me coffee the other day to work. Starbucks ordered my favorite way. Trying to be more firm again. I sometimes slip and do not come off as firm as I should because I do love him and I do want to feel loved but he still has ow so..it's not love for me. Just my body I guess. I dont know.
Went from 70% no contact to 1
90% no contact besides kids. So far on day 5 of ONLY talking about kids except for in person a few non kid ones.
Still working on me. Full time job. Full time mom..still gal when I can.
Tomorrow a wedding at my inlaws house with his whole family except him. He isnt going. Should be fun.
Red, I have this feeling that now is the time to go dark. If you can just let him know that you don't want to hear from him right now, and don't text, write, call, visit, etc. he will really miss you. Does ow have any idea that he is still grabbing and kissing you? I bet she'd be really po'd to know that. Don't tell her, whatever you do... she'll find out on her own. But what if, while he is still trying to keep you nearby, you just disappear?
Im as dark as I can be with the kids. I have to talk about kids, what days he will have them because both our schedules changes,overtime etc but besides that Im as dark as I can be.
We still share our house so it makes it hard too. When he keeps kids overnight he comes home to be with them and I leave.
It is impossible to be 100% but 90% is as close as I can get
Hi Red,
I think you are doing good, although I still can see that your H hasn't really missed you. I think NYGal has a good idea, try to go dark as much as you can. That's what I'm trying now even if I have kids and H still comes in the house. I have been NC/ dark for a day now ( please don't laugh :-)!. No change from H but today after my week of hell I felt super duper good as I didn't see H at all.
You have nothing to lose as your H like mine is with OW. You have an advantage is that H's actions show that he still cares about you. So do a complete 180, go dark and let him see what a super, talented and beautiful woman he is throwing away!
((((Red))))
You're an animal. So impressed with the work you've done. Such a shame hubby is an idiot and missing out on this flower that is about to radiantly bloom.
If you do not want physical contact Red then your WH actions verge on assault. I am uncomfortable from this side of the board and I am just an Internet support. I think.
Please truly take care.
I am sending you my rainbow strength.
Hugs
V
I told him as long as there is OW Im limiting us to speaking just about kids. About 1.5weeka going on nc just about kids and he keeps trying to talk to me and says what does having someone else have to do with talking to you. He is an idiot. I just am trying my best to ignore him and be distant right now. Keeping myself busy by talking to a few of my guy friends when I feel like I need to have guy attention but not in a sexual way just kinda like hey..and they might tell me i look pretty that day. Simple things to boost my ego.
Hi red nail,
I have never posted on your site, but I have read a lot of it. your husband reminds me so much of a relationship I had when I was around 18. We did not have children or anything so I understand there is difference. But the common factors that really stand out to me is your husbands continued disrespect (both physically and mentally no? ) for clearly stated boundaries. Very controlling, from an outsider looking in. Also his very mysoginist and irrational attitude. (What's ok for him is not ok for you) I get this feeling that it's even more then just cake eating. I wish we could pm.
I am in agreement with vanilla.
You are doing incredibly well at divorce busting, and I think your husband will eventually come back to you. But I also think (again just an outsider point of view) that there are more things to consider then getting him to stop dating ow and come back to you.
I apologize if I am off base.
Can you tell us more about your relationship before husband left? How did you come to date? What were your fights about and what were they like?
lots of hugs. I know how hard this is.
He took the kids to his house an hour away last night for the first time. OW was there. I cried alone and in front of him I said nothing because I already asked him for that to be the only thing he doesnt to do me. Before the divorce is final. Idk how I feel about him anymore.. Today I bounce betweem hate..and disgust.
Jujub at this point idk if id ever take him back. I just do not know anymore.
Hey sorry to hear he did not follow your boundary of keeping OW away from kids. Being walked over like that is terrible. It best to just do nothing right now as your feeling so much right now. No big decisions right now. Just feel what your feeling.
Red nail, you have a right to be angry and disgusted regarding him doing that. Do you think he is trying to get you to react? I know you have been doing great not reacting to some other attention seeking tactics.
Oh, Red. I'm so sorry that happened. What a jerk.
You have every reason to question if you would even be open to R with him after such disrespect. Disgust, anger, sadness and even hate are all totally normal things for you to be feeling right now. Go slowly, and take extra care of yourself for a while.
Red, how are you going to enforce this boundary he has already smashed through? I don't have any answers, but I agree that it was completely wrong for him to do this, it's bad for the children and it's so hard for you.
Hi Red,
I understand that you can actually stop him legally from having OW around the children. Perhaps you can ask your L about it?
(((Red)))
So sorry to hear about your kids meeting OW, I can only imagine. Do you think he has done it to get a reaction from you? I think you are well within your rights to ask for NC for the kids as long as you are still married.
Thinking of you.
Hi Sweetheart,
Was walking my own hell for awhile and now I feel better.
Red, I made a point to my XH and would make his life a complete hell if he would share my children with OW.
Please, talk to your L about this and reinforce it as much as you can. This is not just some OW, this was your best friend that used to spend time with your kids. This is a woman that lived in your house for some time and got to know and share your kids in many levels at that time.
If he wants to be nasty and do that to his family then it is all his business, but he has no right to take the kids and play family with that bloody bit**.
It is your children and if you do not want that kind of aggression on them, then he can go to hell forever, but you will stand up for your kids.
What is this guy thinking? What kind of messed up kids he wants to raise. They had mom and dad, then aunt bit** shows up, now dad is gone and then dad sleeps with aunt bit**, as your daughter even told you before when he did it at your house.
When does one stops the insanity and see what cruelty they are doing for such two innocent kids?
If in your heart you think it is not appropriate for your kids, then he does not get the kids. I know it is complicate because you are trying to get him back, but maybe he needs to know that he can't treat his family this way and then he will grow some respect for you.
This is my opinion, but I would talk to my L and get these things straight asap. Your kids are small now, and some results of this dirty arrangement will show up it's signs down the road when they are teenagers and don't care about anything or anyone else.
I am really sorry to see that your H is not changing and is still being such Jerk. And I am even more sorry to know that you need to be the grown up, the adult, the responsible.
Take care sweetie,
Pink
I'm back for a quick pop in. No legally I can't do anything about the OW. Doesn't matter, I have asked cops, lawyers everyone. My life is..sadly the same. Still separated and I still haven't moved on. We have slept together a couple times. I have caved a couple times. They
are still living together. He mentioned this weekend filing for the D on Tuesday so tomorrow. I never really DB the right way. I would always cave and give in and miss him. I'm truly trying after this weekend to move on. Let go. Db. Do whatever it takes to move on. Ive messed up..ive done great.. I'm really all over the place some days and solid others. The only thing I wish is that I had done what I needed to sooner. That I wouldn't cave when he would come talk to me or give me some attention..for that I'm disappointed in myself.
I may start posting again because if he files tomorrow I'll need to have a good support system.
Overall I'm great. Solid person..externally major overhall. Lost 50 plus lbs. Look amazing.. Internally as soon as I see him I start cracking.
My only goal now everyday is to wake up. Love myself. Let go. That's it.
Red
Thank you for posting.
There is something I would like you to know.
The challenges of being with an entitled SOB like my WH and yours are much greater than would be the case if they weren't.
An old experienced hand like V took over 2 years to cut loose. It's normal.
The expression is 'hoovering' please Google it.
Post again whether he files or no, get the support you need to get away and rebuild yourself.
This is a tough journey and truly you are doing great.
V
Red
I am further along in my sitch but also know about entitled WASs. We are here for you.
I'm very glad to see you here again, Rednail. Please follow V's advice: keep posting no matter what. We'll be here.
Hey Red,
V mentioned you to me. I am watching you sitch.
The hardest thing right now is being able to detach so he does not hurt you. I can’t say what will work for you, but for me exercise (lots - good for seratonin and destroys cortisol). Talking to friends and NC.
I have little to add now. But I am reading and will help where I can.
None of us are perfect. I am not. Never beat yourself up. Just do your best to be wrong. Try mindfulness apps. Many are free.
Take care.
Surfer.
He iphone predictive text. Tsk. Do your best ‘not to be ‘wrong’’. Aim for the right thing my dear!
Surfer.