Before my old thread blocks, here is anew one if people have anything to post. I'll write when I have more time. I intend to use this thread mostly to record my actions and maybe put together a list of resources that I have found useful.
Over the last year I have read and probably forgotten so much useful info. I am thinking about compiling all of this as atool to help others. I am no expert but I have learned a lot. I may not have the time to do this but it is a thought.
Many people disagree with the concept that we have been given the gift of time. I can understand them, but this has been the worst and the best thing to have happened to me. I have learned so much. It is really when challenged in tough situations that we learn the most about ourselves.
Anyway welcome to my latest thread. Iwill most likely copy some posts from the last thread and then remove it. This is for security reasons but also because Ishare actual info about my current situation that is useful to get the help I need.But it is still personal stuff.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2625318#Post2625318
Are you leaving us at the end of this thread?
I'm going nowhere for a long time my friend. I was just in a very reflective mode when I started my new thread .
I am not yet the man I want to be, but I am getting there.
I am not yet the dad I want to be but am a good one.
I am not yet in the R I want. I am not suffering at the moment in my M but it is not where I want it to be. The only sure thing about that is thatiit will change.It is inevitable. What that change will be we'll have to wait and see.
So I am here for the foreseeable future. I may not be overly active here but I will keep up with a few posters.I purposefully avoid new threads. This is to avoid being brought down by more and more marriage breakdowns.But eventually I will come back to help newbies, if I can. Selfish maybe but fornow it has to be about me and what is best for me.
That's good news, not about your life but about you not leaving. The newbies keep coming, I'm glad they've found this place but there is a never ending supply of them.
Hang in there roiste, make the best choices each day and see where the path leads you. Thank you for your support, it has made a difference in my life. Peace
I finally finished reading "codependent no more". There are some good insights but I found some of it overpadded with less useful stuff. That being said it was worth the read and I think it is a book I could reread and take notes from.
I am slow at reading as to read you need to take the time to just read. This is why I prefer listening to podcasts. At the moment I am listening a lot to those on the "excel at life" website. Some really good stuff there aboutm mindful thinking, happiness, self esteem, etc. They also have an application for Android telephones which is free.
At the start of the year I signed up for several marriage help email lists. When I started my journey that was an obsession and I listened repeatedly to marriage help videos and podcasts. Now it is not an obsession but I find it useful to have different inputs. That helps me tweak my behaviour and actions. At this stage I know that my M will not work until the day my W decides she wants it to. I can do nothing to make that happen. I can only do what I can on my side and in time that may be enough.But even if not, I am learning and doing a lot of small stuff that will serve me in the future.
I have just sorted a big issue that was hanging over me about work. It was a big source of stress, but I was confident that I would get through it and be OK. Well not only did it not cost me a lot of money which it did look like for a while I actually earned a lot from it. That was unthinkable when this arose last autumn.Just goes to show that things can work out better than expected.
This week when looking for a file on the computer I came across twoketters that I had written to my W. I was replying to a letter she had given me about us not being good and her not knowing a solution.At the time I was in full depression. I found the letters to be well written and clear. But they were mainly outlining how I felt. I can see that now. One mentioned me being stressed for years over us not being as good as I wanted. The major thing about this is that these were written at the end of 2013. I knew how long we were not great but seeing it in black and white really hit home. I still feel some of the stuff I expressed back then. Re-seeing how long I have been struggling could have knocked me for six. I suppose it did a little. But instead of bringing me down it has remotivated me.
I have a fair bit on this weekend.
Thanks for reading.Happy thoughts everyone and have a good weekend.
I forgot to mention that those books are my private reading.At bedtime I am reading books for parents. When I am too tired for learned reading I read sports autobiographies or fiction, just for pleasure
.
I am back exercising and training too. May even do a short run race in April. If I do I will do it to be fastest possible and not just to finish.II like to push myself.I am not as fit as I was but I think I can refind a similar speed level to back when I was fit for a short race. It is something to aim for at least.
Just checking in this am, have a lot to get to today before we head up to put little conclave.
I am super stoked for you on thst issue that has been hanging over your head. Have tou spoken ro wife about it, given toursled permission to celebrwte your well earned victory, maybe even ask her to houn you in thisnlittle toast tobyour achievemebt? Find a sitter take yourself out to dinner...what do you think
I will tip a cool stout for you tonight!
Mark
Yes we discussed it.
Cheers mate
Hope your weekend is filled with fun and maybe...just maybe a touch of excitement!
You're doing it the right way, Roiste!
Thanks for all the help you've given me on my journey!
What am I doing right, in your opinion, Mowgli?
Weekend was OK. Busy enough. No excitement but some fun. But I had loads of options about what to do. That is encouraging. I could have filled the whole weekend and then some.
Even more encouraging is my increased appetite to live life and do stuff. For various reasons I have not ramped up my GAL to maximum label but I am happy enough with how much I am doing and am delighted to experience this "want" to live/do stuff.
Slowly but surely these wants will/are being turned into "done's".
I still spend time on the couch with W but much less than before and never if I have something to be done or if there is nothing I want to watch on TV.
Often when I come up with stuff I want to do with kids, my W joins us. I am not against her coming, but sometimes she's not in the best of form and I wonder why she came. Rightly or wrongly I don't take her bad form/mood as any reflection on me and hence doesn't affect me as much.
Long story short, I am making micro steps forward. I hope to make time this week to update my situation and some other posts. But there is no major change to report.
My energy levels are not great, so I am looking into that. But I manage to do what I need to do plus some sport and DIY. I will rule out medical issues and then assume it is stress related. If so that is OK as I am working towards reducing stress anyway. I don't feel stressed, at least nit the crippling stress I have felt. That being said, living in an unfulfilling unloving unaffevtiobate M does weigh on you at times and over time.
Got to go work.
What am I doing right, in your opinion, Mowgli?
Weekend was OK. Busy enough. No excitement but some fun. But I had loads of options about what to do. That is encouraging. I could have filled the whole weekend and then some.
Even more encouraging is my increased appetite to live life and do stuff. For various reasons I have not ramped up my GAL to maximum label but I am happy enough with how much I am doing and am delighted to experience this "want" to live/do stuff.
Slowly but surely these wants will/are being turned into "done's".
I still spend time on the couch with W but much less than before and never if I have something to be done or if there is nothing I want to watch on TV.
Often when I come up with stuff I want to do with kids, my W joins us. I am not against her coming, but sometimes she's not in the best of form and I wonder why she came. Rightly or wrongly I don't take her bad form/mood as any reflection on me and hence doesn't affect me as much.
Long story short, I am making micro steps forward. I hope to make time this week to update my situation and some other posts. But there is no major change to report.
My energy levels are not great, so I am looking into that. But I manage to do what I need to do plus some sport and DIY. I will rule out medical issues and then assume it is stress related. If so that is OK as I am working towards reducing stress anyway. I don't feel stressed, at least nit the crippling stress I have felt. That being said, living in an unfulfilling unloving unaffevtiobate M does weigh on you at times and over time.
Got to go work.
That sums it up pretty well, don't you think?
You're living a life and not letting W anchor you in place. You're doing what you need to do in order to be a happier, healthier you. Isn't that what GALing and this entire process is all about?
We have to be the best person we can be in order to be happy with ourselves. When each person brings that to the table, successful M happens. Your W sees that, roast, I promise you she does.
If she's joining you guys for outings, that should say something, right?
Like I said before, You are doing great! Your M or your W maybe hasn't come around, but you are in a better place for you and your boys right now!
Thanks M.
Last night i watched "the secret", which is about the secret to sucess in life. The concept is basically you think positive, visualise what you want, act ad if you already have it, take actions and it'll happen. In essence it is the law of attraction.
When I get a chance I may outline some points that I found interesting. If not it can be found on the net.
They did talk about one exercise/action to do if in a bad R that you want to improve. For 30 days you sit down and list each day as many things as possible about the other person for which you are grateful.Each day you focus on what you are grateful for. The more you look, the more you find. The theory is explained a bit, but I thought I'd share this here in case anyone wanted to try it.
Happy saint Patrick's day.
I watched that last fall, it's on netflix. I'm not sure it will work. Do you buy into it?
Damn right I do. This time next month I will be a millionaire and having sex like rabbits with my loving W!!
Seriously though idk, but there is a good logic. You clearly define what you want (goals), you visualise having it (act as if), you take inspired actions (actions), you adjust in function of feedback (cheese less tunnels), focus on what you want and not on what you don't want (don't focus on problems)......... over the last year I have come across these principals over and over again.
If you clearly know precisely what you want, it is logical you will find ways to achieve it if you are focused and willing to act.
I don't have time to add more, but many self help/marriage/pma programmes use some of these concepts. They all can't be wrong
I agree that one will have better success if focused and willing to act but that's about it. I don't see how that changes a spouse's behavior in the short or mid term.
It changes YOU and that is how it works. Basically you get more of what you put your focus on. It only takes one to change the dynamics in a R. Our W's have proven that!
,
I'll try an experiment with you.focus on a ford mustang.TReally think about it on and off as much as possible. Because you are focused on that you will notice one,then another......i tried this and was amazed how many I saw. (I used another car but the principal counts). There are still the same number of ford mustangs as usual, but your focus helps you spot them whereas otherwise you would not have noticed.
In an R, we are clouded by our negative thoughts. We are sad, we are resentful, we are angry. This affects our behavior and interactions. Imagine if we felt only love and gratitude. Automatically our thinking and ultimately our demeanor will radiate that. I would bet your negative feelings about what you are enduring show through. This could help break that cycle.This is not about ozing love and appreciation on your W but using those emotions to feel better. Achieve that and you show a better you, which can do no harm.
I have over simplified the concept and yes I have doubts too, but being a happier person and showing that to the world can only be positive. I do believe in the power of appreciation/gratitude and how it can help PMA .
Worst case scenario you try for a month and review. If it does not help, you can cross it off the list of things you tried. For me it is important to be able to look my sons in the eye and say I tried everything.I don't feel I have tried everything so I keep going.
To counter everything I just said I know that I can not rebuild my M unless my W comes on board and nothing I do can force that to happen. But maybe the work I am doing on me will tempt her. Regardless I like the new me better and better. And anything that helps PMA, happiness etc can only be beneficial even if only for me.
Hey roiste, i love it. Period.
I will only caution how long this shift in your mindset will take before wife belives iy is not just a ploy. That is why consistentcy is imparative.
Honestly though, if this path is a genuine feeling from you...which it certainly sounds like to me, then it wont matter what the hell wife thinks.
Very big bro hug from chicago
You make a good point roiste. I will think about this today. I think I may give it a shot. I may be posting here tonight with questions. Thanks buddy
Very interesting stuff, R!
I'm going to have to watch that I think!
Mowgli, Yes check it out but be open minded and just to know only a tiny part of the documentary talked about R. I watched it more of an overall interest in self improvement.
Mut, I'll answer/help if I can.
Z, I hear you. Apart from the rabbit sex life with her I have no expectations.HHaha.
I'll take time next week to update my thoughts etc but in essence not much to report in my situation. No news is good news, or so they say.
Anyway I have a little question.It is nothing urgent but something I would like your input on to be sure I am handling it right.
We seem to be surrounded by couples splitting. A sad reality. Many of these couples have kids, the same age as ours. This is the case of our neighbours who recently broke up.
My sons especially the eldest reflects on this and often has comments like
"It's a catastrophe all the families breaking up"
" I wonder who'll be next"
"It's not good for their son for this to happen"
Such comments I usually deal with easily and can discusiin general.But every now and again there is the odd comment specifically about us. I don't think he sees our problems but is more a general reflection of his thinking, as the same occurs relating to illness/death.
If I am alone with him/them I am more open with my replies.I reassure that it is not planned and I think we are best together. I do not go heavy on my feelings/thoughts, but reply honestly my view point. I am careful not to state categorically that we will not split up. I also use these times to access their thinking.
If my W is there too, I try to be more weighed with my words. This weekend after we had a big special dinner which W prepared including my favorite dessert, my son made a comment that if we split up I wouldn't be able to cook.I choose to reassure him and said "that wouldn't worry me and I'd manage just fine" . W supported this reply by adding I can cook very well.
OK we reassured his fear, though I think it was just a comment without much depth for him. But for me that was not the big part of his comment. I don't want to discuss our problems with them until we are at the point of no return or imminent split. But I am not sure brushing it under the table is best either.
Any thoughts?
In regards to your children, I think that what they see has more impact then what they hear. Your behavior towards your wife and kids over time will have much greater impact then the one conversation. Your kids live in the house and pick up on much more then you could imagine. If they see you treat your wife well, with loving kindness that will buoy them through a few overheard unsettling conversations. Show them what a real man does in the face of disaster. Be strong
Gotta agree with mutatio. Try not to have M discussions in front of the kids or where they can hear. That is easier said than done. It is also advise that I did not take as when wife went off, it did not matter who was around and when she sucked me into her whirlwind our kids were often near by. Funny thing is one time after she had been screaming and throwing the F bomb at me for over half an hour, I started to reply but my tone was raised yet calm and stern she stops me and says "the kids are gonna hear."
After the split this is what I have observed. The kids and especially S13 took it very hard. He is my stepson but we have a tight, tight bond. Having been a child in the middle of D I was bound and determined I would say nothing negative about WW. Personally I believe he needs counseling himself to process everything but he refuses to go. So on the advise of people on this board and my IC I do not force the issue. I am there for him to talk to, if I see he is having an exceptionally hard time, I try to tug a little bit out of him to open him up but subtly. Otherwise, I am his oasis from all the home drama. If I had to boil it down to a few simple rules it would be the following:
1. Make sure they know you love them and are NOT leaving them, you will always be there for them day or night. I think the kids fell abandoned by the secondary (non live in parent).
2. Do not talk bad about W to them or in front of them. Even if they say "mommy said you always was mean to her." (this happened to me) Respond in a way that they can decide "I don't think I was and I never intended to be mean... do you think I was." and drop it.
3. Do not gather intell from them if you split, "What has mommy been doing?" "Does mommy have any friends that come over?"
4. Reassure them they had not fault in this.
5. Do not show your pain to them. They know you hurt but to see it hurts them too.
6. Enjoy every second you have with them!
Sound advice. Just to clarify, we don't fight or have R talks. Period.So none in front of kids or otherwise. I personally am a v private person and believeaa couple's problems where possible should only be discussed in private by that couple.
To that effect I avoid bringing up any issues when kids are around. I will call her on any disrespectful behaviour. Otherwise I let it slide and bring it up when we have put the kids to bed. I never bad mouth her to anyone or I just don't speak badly of people in general. If she leaves I don't see that changing.
Yes, mut' I am treating everyone well and this is not just a show for the boys. I have seen many men overflowing with anger, resentment and such. That is not and will not be me.
All comments/advice is welcome, but I was wondering specifically for when son poses such questions. I doubt it is advised to broach the subject with W as it verges on R talk. But if it is best for my sons I will do that even if could harm R. Unless otherwise advised I plan to stick with how I am approaching this until our situation changes, at which point I will reflect on the chang s.
A couple of observations if I may?
Please tread the Secret with some incredulity. To me there are fundamental flaws in the premises of the books. It is action with the higher power that creates change in my model of the universe. That higher power has its own will, it asks pain as well giving joy. It isn't a vending machine with coins of expectation and thoughts of desire endlessly dispensing chocolate results.
You are growing and changing. I can see shift happening.
I haven't really posted on your thread although I lurked.
V
Of course you are most welcome to share your observations.
I am a fairly level headed guy, though open to alternative thinking. For me it highlights the value of how we think about and approach life. It does mention setbacks and negative stuff happening. Again it is how we approach them and think about them that is important IMO. I am not an expert on this but I shared it as part of my growth. If it does work I believe it does not work on other people.We can strive towards a loving R but not control who that is with. So by fighting for it to be our spouses, we may actually be blocking "destiny"!
As for the tip it gave about improvement in R, I came across similar
sseveral times. It has to create a better atmosphere than resentment or sadness.
"It has to create a better atmosphere than resentment or sadness."
Amen brother
So how exactly does creating a better atmosphere work for you?
V
I'll try answer that quickly V.
I realised that I was not being my potential and definitely not showingthe best me at all times. I was making good progress but was being held back by negative emotions.
I am not questioning these emotions as not being justified. I: understand why I felt them and agree with the logic. But they were nit helping me
So by focusing on more positive stuff, including appreciation, I am more positive.This helps me. I am pulled down less by unmet needs and bad moods (hers).
I feel better about me and the world. I am still aware of my situation and it still weighs. But I can shine regardless.
Plus if I react positively to a negative interaction with W, it diffuses its power and does not spiral.
And yes it shows W a better me.
I don't have time to explain this better but I hope this answers your question.
That's action change and shift.
Post later, emergency arisen at new office.
V
Roiste, I want to take a moment and thank you for the kindness you have offered me these recent months. It means a lot to me. I have grown to rely on your counsel.
You are a good man, doing the right thing for your family. This is not a good bye. It is an acknowledgement of fine man you have become. Be well
Hey buddy, thinking of you this AM.
It was supposed to 9 snow in chicago when i left, so am really appreciating the warmer weather here...will be dedicating raising a glass to you today!
I really have been excited for you reading what you have been posting for your evolved approach lately.
While i agree that a solution based strategy to really get you moving forward is great, at some point you will have to look at the past and make sure you are not burying something that could be holding you back from the true awesomeness that you were meant to be.
It doesnt have to be today or tomorow, but someday. For now, keep up with what youre doing, this fundamental shift in your mental attitude is marvelous!
Cheers!
Mut',
Thank you for your kind words. I am glad my words could offer something to you.
Z,
Enjoy that sunshine and that beer. Slainte! If I need to look back to move forward I'll do just that.
V, take your time.
Put out your own fires, i'll be here when you have furthe? Thoughts to share.
I'll give a fuller update soon.
For some time now I have been wanting to sit down and really review my situation. The positives the negatives. The changes, the still the same. But I don't seem to allow myself the time to do so. Some days I don't see the point, others I think it could depress me and then there are days I want to but I don't have the time. Somehow I thought it was important to do but maybe subconsciously I don't. Strange. I'll have to explore that reasoning deeper. I am getting interested in such thought patterns, a sign I am expanding my thinking.
I am on this site a year next week. I'm working on saving my M over a year & a half. We have not been right (& sexless) for over three years. I came here after viewing Michelle's video on the WAW.
Sometimes I think there is progress albeit superficial. At times my W seems more sharing of her thoughts, seems less distant, is more open, body language less closed off. There are lots of little signs. BUT equally present are the negative signs.
I don't think she is any closer to either leaving or improving us. She is lost and her outlook on almost everything is down.LLast night I had the certitude that this is mlc. Certitude may not be the right word, as it was more a feeling than a thought. This is probably true and it scared my to think how much longer it could go on for.
The only thing that I am sure of is that this is going to last a while yet. Without this site and my cyber friends here I would have given up a long time ago. So thank ye all.
I do wonder though if my giving up is really what could turn this around. It was exactly that that helped me overcome depression and start wanting to work on my M. So I know it works. Unfortunately W wasn't DBing me!
One day it may come to that. And after that LRT. But for now there is loads of other stuff for me to do. Today I reread my threads to review the good advice I have gotten and to review my objectives. I have come a long way but I am not yet the man I want to be. I have work to do.
Recently I have done a lot of research into CBT, positive thinking, realistic thinking as well as gratitude. Powerful stuff.
Sometimes I feel I am only distracting myself by filling my head with such stuff. But I hope that this will help me going forward and the bonus is that I am not dwelling on worse stuff.
Back to gratitude. For those of you looking to self improve it is worth some research time. I avoid doing a gratitude journal but that is a personal choice.
Each night laying in bed with W, I list in my head all the positive interactions,signs and just good points about her/us. Some days are easier than others! The theory is that by focusing on gratitude/positive points, the subconscious mind will automatically search for more. With the unconscious mind we will see stuff that otherwise we would miss. But basically you should focus on what you have and not what you are missing.
Another similar concept that helps is to focus on what you want rather than on what you don't want. Again it is because the unconscious mind will seek out whatever you focus on. So work towards a better M/R rather than on away from a bad one.
I find the next generation my sons included not v grateful or appreciative for what they have. So most nights I ask my sons to tell me three things that they liked about their day.
Another idea I like is to carry a stone in your pocket and every time you see/feel it, stop to think of something you are grateful for.
OK that is the end of my lesson for today. Have a good weekend
Each night laying in bed with W, I list in my head all the positive interactions,signs and just good points about her/us. Some days are easier than others! The theory is that by focusing on gratitude/positive points, the subconscious mind will automatically search for more.
Another similar concept that helps is to focus on what you want rather than on what you don't want. Again it is because the unconscious mind will seek out whatever you focus on. So work towards a better M/R rather than on away from a bad one.
Maybe you can take this a bit farther and actually 'out loud' thank your wife for some of these things or tell her about your being grateful.
I find the next generation my sons included not v grateful or appreciative for what they have. So most nights I ask my sons to tell me three things that they liked about their day.
This is awesome! I do some thing similar. Often talk about gratitude with them, but also victories, things they are proud of that they have done...i dont even care if it is 'i turned in my homework on time'...just something that will evoke a sense of self-worth wothin themselves...i i want to keep them moving towards a mindset that they are a source of pride for themselves and then we as parents can keep encouraging.
I read something some time ago, that for kids our age it takes 10 or so positive comments to overcome a negative one...it is sad commentary, but ive seen it dirst hand what it will do to a childs self-estee
Th is is all very exciting to read, yay!!!! Keep us posted.
I do express appreciation and thanks to W every day. Sometimes it us a simple thank you. Other times it is more of a statement. But it is never about getting a desired response. Always just to express gratitude appreciation. I do this for me, but I seem to receive more thanks than before too!
Maybe there is truth in the saying" be the change you want to see".
As for my night time list. It is personal and I try to think of every little thing. Some are patethic or would be if expressed. Tiny insignificant stuff but stuff many here don't have. So I appreciate what I have.
I only started with the boys a few weeks ago. But they look forward to it. I will develop this with time. I have a lot to do to become the dad I want to be but I am getting there. But whatever happens, the positive changes I make for me I intend to pass on to them. As well as certain beliefs and attitudes. I will not force this onto them but I hope to guide them to being fuller men and equip the best I can.
Thank you for your continued encouragement.
Thank you Roiste for sharing the techniques you use to evolve your thinking. I find it very interesting. Your sharing with your boys is a great idea. At the very least it brings you closer. Sharing thoughts and feelings will dismantle any emotional barriers between you. This last year I have done a lot of dismantling on the barriers my son erected between us. I used to be hard on him and expected performance that was unrealistic for his age and nature. I changed my expectations, accepted him as he is and now have a better relationship with him then I ever have had. I want to try your technique of a dialog with your kids and share three things that they liked about their day. I may try this at dinner with my daughter and son.
Roiste, this is so very simple yet utterly brilliant, " be the change you want to see", be well dear friend
Mu'
Unrealistic expectations that we place on others and on ourselves or we accept from others can only lead to frustration, resentment or worse. It is good you saw that and removed them.
Thank you for your interest in my journey.
Your kids are older than mine so you can probably bring it a step further. Let me know how it pans out. Just be aware this is also a slow process that requires lots of repetition before it has a lasting affect on thinking.
But patience is not a problem for you
"patience is not a problem for you"
Thank you for saying, it was not always the case. I was impatient and ego driven for a very long time. Since my wife's affair in '08 I've spent a lot of time in self reflection and determined it is all rooted in selfishness. I wanted it my way. I now try to make the choice that is best for the family member I am interacting with. I respect their wishes and am non confrontational with my input. After all it's about helping them with their life, not about me solving their problem.
How is your relationship with your wife evolving? What does your heart say about your circumstance? How are you holding up?
Mut' with all emotions and behaviors there is a correct balance.Stsying in one extremity or another is not balanced. Sometimes confrontation is what is best for your family.I speak in general and not about your latest BD.
My R with W is following its path. I won't over analyse that for now BUT I choose to be optimistic. That makes walking the path easier. My W is not pulling further away from me nor is she going further towards anything else. If either of these occurs I will reassess my position. In the meantime I have work to finish on me.
I find it interesting watching the psychology of peoples thinking and interactions. I wish I was observing it with some other couple but hey I am learning from it.
Thanks for dropping by.
Journaling.
I got up early Saturday and ran before breakfast.After breakfast I spent time with my eldest son. I am making a garage for his toys. I am doing this with him not for him. I could have finished it weeks ago but I only work on: t with him.
After that I squeezed in another DIY job on my list. Many of the jobs I do are behind the scenes so not highly visible.This one is highly visible and makes a big difference on the outside of the house. I feel good each time I see it.
All that before lunch on Saturday. The rest of saturday was spent as a family and it was pleasant. Sunday I went mountain biking with a friend. Enjoyed
that. Did a lot of family stuff and gardening with W, so fairly full day to.
Overall a relatively good weekend, but also a relatively typical one.
Journaling.
I got up early Saturday and ran before breakfast.After breakfast I spent time with my eldest son. I am making a garage for his toys. I am doing this with him not for him. I could have finished it weeks ago but I only work on: t with him.
Oh how fun...it is awesome working WITH them on these little projects. They will remeber this time with you for this
After that I squeezed in another DIY job on my list. Many of the jobs I do are behind the scenes so not highly visible.This one is highly visible and makes a big difference on the outside of the house. I feel good each time I see it.
Behind the scenes, that is tough. I love to hear the pride in your words. Well done on getting those projects completed...from a man who put things off so often, for so long....nice work!
All that before lunch on Saturday. The rest of saturday was spent as a family and it was pleasant. Sunday I went mountain biking with a friend. Enjoyed
that. Did a lot of family stuff and gardening with W, so fairly full day to.
Overall a relatively good weekend, but also a relatively typical one.
Glad you enjoyed your ride!!!
Keep these posts comming, they are very inspirational!
I'm here a year now. Occasions seem to be ruined/tarnished by this situation. I seem to dwell on my situation whenever there is am occasion and this inevitably affects to some extent that occasion.
I bought my first marriage program on Dec 24th. I signed up here two days before my birthday last year. Other dates that are significant to me/us were also triggers.So here I am again.
I have used this time to look deep and work on me. I have taken countless actions. But this weekend I felt exactly like I did 18 months ago when thisall came to light. The trigger was my boys.They are a handful at times. One of my wife's biggest critics of me was how I spoke to them, apparently always aggressive/annoyed. I had worked on that and made god progress but realised this weekend that I was doing this.
Not only was this one of my first actions/180s, it is probably the most important to me. My sons bring out feelings in me that I wish I never felt. At times they are infuriating. But I don't blame them. I think that it is surely down to how we raised them. We are good loving parents but I assume we have lacked a parenting skill that could help.
For me our M problems are directly implicated. Like many of our issues in life I think that we have the same frustrations but we are travelling the same path against them but separately. That is evident to me and yet I seem powerless to do anything about it. Plus I am sure that I would be less stressed with my sons if I wasn't in this situation.
I am sure that if my W left tomorrow that after sorting the practicalities I could develope a healthier R with my boys that brings out the best in us all. So why can't I seem to do that NOW. I need to figure that out. Have I some irrational thinking style that is blocking me? Is R with W really the cause or why do I think we cannot work together on this? I need to figure this out.
But I don't want to wait until W leaves or reconnects.II have been listening t a lot of parenting videos recently and am formulating a solution. This is my priority for now. My R with my sons is far from toxic but I want to make sure it is less confrontational. Since coming out of my depression I have done a lot with my sons. Our R is pretty good most of the time.
I probably painted a blacker picture than it is but it is important to me. I am going to try form a team effort with W to tackle this.She too gets very frustrated with them at times.
That is one of two big projects for me. The other is my job or rather money.
My company is doing OK and we are not struggling like we were a while back. The advantages of being self employed are many and the flexible hours really suit my mindset. But maybe more money and guaranteed income is more important at this stage. I am looking into it but not rushed.If I get a good offer I'll take it. If not I'm OK for now.
But once I am happy with my R with boys and job, I see myself reviewing my situation with the aim to deciding whether to keep standing.Ultimately I know I will decide enough is enough.
Ironically the more work I do on myself the better I like myself.And the more I like myself the less I am willing to put up with. With the exception of my kids any other R in my life I could walk away from if it was not benefiting me. Maybeit will come to that with my W.
To be fair to my W, she does back me up with the boys mostly.When she talks to them she often uses the term dad and man, whereas before it was mostly "I/me" statements.
Journaling
I needed to get all that stuff out to release it and make the most of my birthday today. Although it was done to clear my head, any feedback is welcome.
Yesterday I did a short run race. I used to be very fit before we had kids but priorities took over. Anyway I set myself an ambitious target to run at almost my best previous fastest pace. And I did. So I have regained a lot of my previous running speed. This was a big objective for me this year and I nailed it. Yeah.
This year I also added some musculation work and I am happy with the results there too.
Apart from a major low Saturday, during which I would have readily signed up for 0 time with W and one week in two with kids, I bounced back though not fully yet. Still had fun in pool as family and meal afterwards.
Got some DIY done, worked more with eldest son on his garage and started one with younger son.
Overall a mixed weekend. Time will tell if all my recent positive work was just a distraction or if I am truly on that path.
Best wishes and well done to anyone that got through all of that reading!!
Hey happy birthday buddy! I hope you can find a few moments of your day to treat yourself to something nice.
Dinner out tonight???
Great work with the race, not much of a.pure runner myself, but i know the hard work that goes in and respect that very much. <high five>
The kids thing...i am glad that you can recognize there is toxic behavior between you and kids. Keep grinding through that. Keep a focus on teaching them, spending quality time with them, loving them and showing them What it is to be a man really is.
Without too many specifics. I remeber a time when i was just angry all the time ...i used to blow up at them for little $hit. I actually say them down and spoke to them about MY behavior and have since corrected that. Recognizing your behavior is key to being able to fix it.
I think you are doing an absolutely magnificent job with everything on your plate. No need to worry about what the future may ho2kd, because we just dont have a clue what it can be. Keep going like you are...setting goals, Making improvements, doing those things you want, keeping that compassion up...this is DB at its finest!!!!!!!
I thought that I had fixed it but I will fix it. I do blow over small stuff but it us an accumulation rather than a specific incident. Any maybe some frustration is miss directed towards them. I do know that i it is their behavior that I react to. I am working on the tools to help guide their behavior and secondly on my interactions with them.
Z if you remember any specific steps or tools that helped you through that phase I would appreciate your insights.
I don't like those interactions and I am determined to remove them and how they make me feel. I accept this s my responsibility and also within my year, power to change.
I got to go home for lunch and W had put on a big fancy dinner. A few weeks back when she made my favourite dinner for the third time this year ( had it max once last year), I listed to my kids my three favourite dishes, the third one of which she hasn't made in years. Well it was made at lunchtime for me. Plus she got up early to bring my son get pastries for breakfast before I got up. I got a present too and a homemade cake. All great stuff and effort she did put in. I appreciate it all, but there was no feeling behind it. Even now she is considerate and does look after me and the boys v well. I acknowledge and appreciate that. I thank her fairly often..... . But I do not ground worship. By that I mean it is genuine gratitude for real acts and not fake over the top thanks to influence her.
On another note a friend of mine confided in me at the weekend that he and his W are discussing separation. He has moved on. He does not see that as the cause of the split but a result of the failing couple.I didn't argue that logic but thanked him for sharing that private info with me. That will be the eight couple in our locality that we know well that split since I started working on saving my M. I understand better than most about why people would want out, but still I want IN. I have also seen some LBS rise and shine afterwards. I have no doubt I will too but until then back to rebuilding version 2.0.
Z if you remember any specific steps or tools that helped you through that phase I would appreciate your insights.
Gotta type quick today 
I am not father of the year by any stretch of the imagination...so take it for what it is worth.
The biggest step was realizing that Is how I was acting and coming to terms with it...knowing that is not how I wanted to live my life or to interact with my sons. you already are there.
next was to let go of those things that were causing my anger, things I could not control. or if I could control them...then do it. example: stresses at work - I started working less, literally told the bosses I would be not working overtime all the time, it was not healthy and wanted to spend more time with kids. Biggest thing, was learning what I wanted and start working through it. basically take a deep breath and decide not to get all angry about something, especially if in context it just doesn't warrant it.
Also, understanding that the kids have needs too. they have a need to be heard (even if it is nonsense, they still need to develop a voice). I still say NO to them all the time, but I think that all kids need to learn that life is not all 'I get whatever I want, whenever I want'.
One more I guess, not letting them take advantage or rather you using boundaries on your children...pretty big deal, too otherwise resentful of kids on top of all the rest. I despise when I see kids walking all over their parents, honestly it is something that I will not allow, not in my dealings with the schools, coaching, family...whatever. I don't like those interactions and I am determined to remove them and how they make me feel. I accept this s my responsibility and also within my year, power to change.
There you Go...step one is down - you are making the changes that you want to get the results you want. SIMPLY BEAUTIFULI got to go home for lunch and W had put on a big fancy dinner. A few weeks back when she made my favourite dinner for the third time this year ( had it max once last year), I listed to my kids my three favourite dishes, the third one of which she hasn't made in years. Well it was made at lunchtime for me. Plus she got up early to bring my son get pastries for breakfast before I got up. I got a present too and a homemade cake. All great stuff and effort she did put in.
That is Absolutely Positively Great Stuff!!!I appreciate it all, but there was no feeling behind it.
You didn't have any feelings behind it or she didn't?Even now she is considerate and does look after me and the boys v well. I acknowledge and appreciate that. I thank her fairly often..... . But I do not ground worship. By that I mean it is genuine gratitude for real acts and not fake over the top thanks to influence her.
How do you thank / show YOUR gratitude? How does you wife like to be shown gratitude? reason I ask...we plug so much here on believing actions not words...right, but we sometimes fall into the trap of believing THAT statement only counts for us. What if our partners are having a really hard time believing what WE say to them??? what if these new people that they are living with (men that they could never believe would ever change) start acting different? it would be pretty hard to believe especially on the gratitude front where we say thank you as if they were someone would if you held a door for them? does that make sense? Ok so that was a bit of a tangent but when have I ever had perfectly linear thoughts besides, just thoughts...I know for a while is was TOO reserved, you know...didn't want to try to be too exuberant. it just wasn't me...it was a mask to cover me a little too much...maybe time to show more of who Roiste really wants to be!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY AGAIN!!!
Thanks mate. It helps. I'm aware and taking steps. It is toxic at time at least former. I will sort this. No doubt just a question of time.
Just back from drinks with friends.Wasnt planned but accepted invite at last minute. Well celebrate my birthday fully together later. Was fun.
Found another website this afternoon with more podcasts to listen to. Can't wait, but I will have to as I am taking tomorrow off work to have a family outing.
Got to go . Best wishes
Z,
To answer your other question, I meant no feeling from her . No joy, no affection, no tenderness.....no love. But I think her LL is acts of service so I gotta appreciate the act.
We have no idea what thier feelings are...i wish we did. If you think that her main LL is acts of service, and she went through all of that for your birthday...id say that her actions spoke way louder than anything she could have possibly said to you yesterday or any overt reaction she could have made, you know what i mean?
The outward show of joy or whatever you were perhaps looking for, please consider why you were hoping to see that..why is thst important to you.
Maybe a good opportunity 5ro open up just a little...with a genuine thank you of some sort...small bouquet and a card saying thank you that her efforts for your birthday made you feel very special or something. No roses right now as they carry a connotation of romance. Maybe some spring flowers, lots of color lots of variety...maybe dont go flower route, but something.
Right now is not the best time to go over 5LL with her (i wish for you soon enough) but you have been together for decades and it is possible to make inferences on ranking them from her perspective...just to get a better vantage of how SHE feels loved or shows it.
I am really glad you went out with your work mates yesterday!
Enjoy your week.
Thanks Z, I love the way you read situations (not just on my thread)and see opportunities.
I have been mulling over a thank you gesture for something else. I want to go beyond simple words. It feels right because it is not to influence her but for me to show gratitude.
I may not reply to some of your suggestions but I take them on board. On this journey I find that something I came across a year ago is right for now but wasn't then. So keep pointing out opportunities.
NAnother view is always welcome.
As for her LL, I am fairly sure and it is by far the one I SEE. But I try not to over analyse that for now.
I do not feeling like posting much these days but wanted to say hang in there, your a good man, be well
Thanks for checking in Mut'. Hopefully you will be there the day I post about a change in my M. Until then I wish you all the best and I look forward to hearing about your new path.
I'll be around, I look for you and a few others. I am working on evolving. I am trying to not make the comfortable choices. I am here when your in need, be well
Hey buddy, since you are already there...have a good weekend!
I still have a few hours to go, looks to be a busy this weekend.
good morning (afternoon 9on 4 u I guess).
hope the weekend treated you well!
Z the weekend went good. Thanks for thinking of me.
I am in a strange place right now. I cannot really explain it in a few lines. It is like I have taken a step back and am observing what is going on as an observer, evaluating, contemplating,wondering. Maybe there is a change in my thinking or maybe I am about to move to the next level. Or I could just be stagnating! But that doesn't seem true.
I am not in a bad place nor am I down. I am not giving up nor wanting out. Idk what I am but I am sure a learning will come from it.
I seem half hearted in my DBing but I also am affected partially or less long by negative stuff. I often think just after an interaction,it would have been better to handle it by XYZ but I don't try to make up for slips. I note it hopefully for future occasions.
I'll try explain this better when I have more time or when I see more clearly. I will just emphasize that I am sure this is all about me. A change in me or something like that. Maybe V can clarify .
We have a long weekend here so we are heading away. My initiative though it probably would have happened anyway. I wanted to take advantage of it so I suggested going away for a mini holiday (with kids).
Last week we went out for a meal which probably constitutes our first real date in a year.I use date in the lightest possible term. Again I saw an opportunity to have a babysitter so I wanted to make the most of it. We had a good meal. I feared having to drag conversation out of her, but she actually carried the conversation!!
I also prepared a thank you card and gift for something she did. I waited until the following day to give it to her as I thought it might be too much one night. Plus I wanted to see how we got on without that influencing it one way or another. That went OK too. But it was mire me showing appreciation than trying to affect her.
There seems to be some micro improvements in her opening up to me. I see baby steps. But at the same time the barriers are still being reinforced. It will be interesting to see if she puts more effort into opening up or those barriers. Time will tell.
Got to go. Probably won't get to write again until next week.UUntil then best wishes to anyone reading.
you know there will be folks here reading. it is just in newcomers there just aren't a ton of people who really understand what you are going through...so they don't post.
the ones that do keep falling by the wayside. you are doing absolutely awesome. I encourage you to read the latest posts by wonka (so glad to see her name pop up yesterday). apart fr9m a couoke if details she could have posted to you a year ago almost verbatim what she typed to coconuts. and look where you are, living that same advice every day.
you have been patient beyond words. you have been standing for something in the face of an adversity that your wife may never contemplate. sure you have cycled around from time to time...I do it all the time (yes thoughts if leaving still creep into my mind - i believe it is your protector trying to get you out of this).
if you leave though, you will not learn all of the lessons you were meant to, nor will you become the truely great man you were meant to be.
yes your wife is not there yet. she has just started to open up a bit. keep it light when you interact. ultimately you will have slip ups, reverting to old behaviors and she will notice and draw away...it is how you react the. that will matter. her walls cannot come down until she faces her reality that you are not the grumpy guss that she closed herself from. and along the way you will continue to teach her about those things you are learning (I say teach but i mean show her with Actions and not words) about compassionate and gratitude and acceptance all that stuff you've been trudging theough. I believe we have spoken about this path.
I don't know why I believe it is the RIGHT path, it just feels right and it seams like you have that same insight. keep that focus on you and what is ultimately making you happy to be alive...it shows through in every one of your interactions and she will begin to accept it or maybe she won't (although I doubt that).
wow, I am typing and i have a great smile on my face. I am talking about hope...more what is there in reality right now. yay!!!
have a great extended weekend, I hope the weather suits you and you're able to enjoy yourself!!!
Z I am up early, before the others and am enjoying a lovely beach all for me and a few seagulls. It is lovely and the sun is warn. A simple pleasure I enjoy. I will have many such moments over the weekend. Some alone, some shared.
I am glad you are basked in hope. I too have hope. I understand why many don't know what to say on my thread. I read a bit in mlcssection but at the time I could nit contemplate going through what many seem to do there. I'll look up wonka when I get back.
Thanks for your continued company on my journey . It is not finished
My next big task is determining the best discipline/parenting style going forward. It is a big issue for me and for us. We have not the same vision of how to proceed. It is too complicated an issue to outline briefly but my W repeats instructions a lot and I think the kids are old enough to behave without 50 reminders.
I have not been as strong in this as I would have liked. Partly because W is a great mother and due to her working hours she is with them more. Partly because I didn't want to create further ripples in our troubled M. But mostly because I was not sure of a better way to proceed.
Now this is a source if discontent for me that has to be resolved.It is an opportunity to work together and improve family life.But nay also be the opposite.RRegardless that is my current priority project.
Our boys are good lads but high spirited.
I am aware this could be a mine field or a gold mine. But it us on my path. Our path!!
Roist, I sense alot of self-doubt regarding where you see yourself, moving forward, in your last post. I have not followed your thread so i am just commenting on the post, and would like to say that only you can decide whether you want to plant mines or dig deep for gold.
For me it is an opportunity but even if it explodes it is my path.II will do my utmost to make it golden but I can only guide it so far as on this it takes two to tango. But I am a much more active and better dad than before. And I am still growing.
But I am not doubting myself.I am just somewhere new on my journey. Thank you for your viewpoint. It is always good to have an outside voice.
I am recopying here something I started to work on earlier during my previous thread. I'll post later how I think I am getting on with this.
Earlier I mentioned the tool to change character traits well here are my two lists. The traits I am working on changing are
1. low self esteem,
2. Indecisive/ unsure what to do
3. A pleaser putting my needs last.
4. Doubter/pessimist
5. Communication. Keep everything to myself.
The traits I am working towards are:
1. Assertive/confident
2. Decisive
3. Optimist.PMA
4. Empathize, validate,
5. emotionally open
My third list of my good traits is:
1 determination... don't give up
2 faithful
3 honest
4 willing to try
5 reliable
Traits to change:
1 With the odd moment of lapse I do not have low self esteem and like myself much more than before this all began. I am not finished becoming who I want to be, so I imagine I will gain even more self esteem as I grow.
2 I guess this is just my nature and hence is slow to change. I have made great progress but all the peices are not in place.............. yet.
3 I don't consistently put my needs last anymore. I don't always put them first either. I don't let my needs get pushed by others.
4. I am definitely less pessimistic in general. Many of the stuff that would have been catastrophic before, I now realize is just inconvenient. Hence not so drastic.
5. I am tweaking and improving my communication. I am letting down some of my own guards. I know to thread carefully with W and not to flood her, but I use many opportunities to communicate that previously I could have missed/let go by. If my W asks my opinion on anything or what do I want to do etc, I NEVER EVER reply I don't know or I don't care. Any such question is an opportunity. I aim to rise to any such opportunity and in doing so I find I am more interesting, so win-win.
Traits I am working towards:
1 Assertiveness/confidence. I am more assertive and confident than before. In the past some kind 2x4s have been swung at me for being a puppet. I am aware of that dynamic and am slowly changing it. I will not let my W or anyone away with blatant disrespect.
2 Decicive. I am more in touch with what I want so making décisions in function is improving. I often ask myself what I want, before deciding stuff. I have been fairly passive in the past so this is a slow process.
3. Optimist/PMA. I choose to be optimistic about my situation. There are many reasons to believe. But more in general, i tend to be more optimistic. I will admit my PMA does not shoot up on the high end of the scale, but I can keep it in the positive side most of the time. But during GAL, I do switch off from my situation and enjoy myself much better than earlier on.
4. empathisz/validation. I am improving these but it is not yet automatic. Sometimes my W could say something and the best I can do is STFU and not retaliate. I am aware I miss some opportunities to validate and intend to work on that.
5. Emotionally open. Again I am improving. Whereas I don't have all of the nice guy traits (or at least not now), I did before have a tendancy to hide my shortcomings/mistakes etc. I now accept who I am warts and all and am able to be open about shortcomings etc. In general I am more open. I look forward to the day I can have a real emotionally open R with my W. If that does not happen, I will with someone else. It is sure. I was a very closed book, but I am now ready and able to share its content.
Overall I am happy with the progress made. I see where there is still work to be done. It is a work in progress and probably always will be.
The downside of improving self esteem and image of self is that I now value myself much more and know I deserve better. Ultimately I may have to decide to walk away, but I am further from doing that than I was six months ago.
For those of you unfamiliar with what I just outlined, it is a tool I borrowed from Caliguy, which helps you become who you want to be. You work to remove some bad traits, work towards some better traits and keep the ones you are happy with. Many here have found it helpful.
I'll have to relook at my actions lists soon to see if I am really meeting my goals.
Thanks for reading
You are a rock, Roist
I truly have so much admiration for what you've accomplished. There are very few who can endure as you have.
Thank you for inspiring us all!
Thanks Mowgli,
Whereas I admit I probably would not describe myself quiet like that, I cannot express how much I appreciate you taking the time to say so. It really means a lot to me. I appreciate the support.
I am glad to read how things are going for you.
Best wishes.
While I work, I like to listen to Ted talks, films on internet or podcasts. My recent listening topic revolves around parenting. I was just looking into discipline but now I am hip deep in a much more global outlook.
What I have found out is fascinating......to me anyway. It is also heavy going because so many experts differ in their views. I thought I had been a good dad. I put in the time right from day 1, always had their best interest at heart etc etc. But boy relooking at the global long-term raring of children I could do so much better.
I have found an approach that resonates with me. So far I have listened to loads of hours describing it and it sounds great. I need to dig deeper to see how to implement it in real life, but that is taking shape.
Basically the theory is you treat your kids well, with respect and really connect with them. With connection they will be happier and should WANT to do what you want. It is much more detailed than that. The science behind it is fascinating. Happy connection releases a hormone ( oxytocin)
and this does marvelous stuff. Best drug ever.
I could not help but wonder is this the same mechanism that occurs during affairs. The process, the connection, the addiction.
Back to my research. I am zoning in on one or two "experts" and may buy one of their books for the practical implementation. The theory sounds great. A bit like the family in "seventh heaven".When I was young I used to watch that and think it was impossible to have such a connected loving family. Maybe it isn't possible but I am aiming to try have such a R with my sons.
I have already started some stuff recently heard and will develop this going forward. They love the gratitude activity I do with them.
Hope this made sense. It is very condensed summary.But the improvement work continues. It is exciting and a great distraction from my situation.
Thanks for reading.have a good weekend.
roost,
I think it is awesome that you are studying and researching how to be a great parent. We always here that there is no manual for being a parent or a spouse, but in today's day and age there is so much information. If we actively engage in learning and trying things we can make a better outcome instead of just doing whatever.
Thanks for sharing and I tip my hat to you for doing this and moving forward in spite of the challenging situation you are going through.
Thank you sad hub.
It is amazing how complex the parenting concept really is. Stuff I considered good parenting, experts explain why it isn't good long term. So in essence no matter what you do there is an expert to say why you shouldn't!!!
That being said I agree we have more access to more information than ever before. I have opened my eyes and don't intend to reshut them . I think many people live their lives with blinders on and that catches up with them. That is seen here with most newbies. No going back to that.
Thanks for your support and kind words
Trust your higher power Roast.
It's doing you proud.
V
Roist not Roast.
Lol
Sorry
V
Another wise woman told me that too V.
Hit a low tonight.
Not a down low, but a big dip in motivation. Really asked myself why continue. But my alternatives don't look any better.
Snooping revealed that my W cannot envisage only seeing her kids every two weeks and it is impossible to talk to me. I think she hates the situation as much as me, but is making no obvious effort to change things one way or another. So status quo is the reluctant choice.
Maybe I should test which she would choose between separating and trying.
Which is the least envisaging (not seeing kids all the time or being with me)?
Michele says we should raise the alert to maximum a year before calling it quits. I am reluctant to guess how much longer I will stay like this but another year seems a bit too long. But I think Michele meant the warning to be issued by the WAS and not the LBS.
Maybe I am impossible to talk to. Though she has never sat me down to talk. I will reflect on this, but the expression leading a horse to water springs to mind.
A few hours ago I reread some marriage advice/articles and reminded myself of why I am standing toe to toe against such a battle. My reasons are good. My objective eye sees reasons to hope.
Mowgli. I guess the rock is only human after all!
Thanks for letting me share.
In the expression above I meant my w as the horse reluctant to talk.
I will also clarify that I Snooped for the first time: n ages because I was down. And not vice versa.
Cadet,
Can I have your reading of my situation and what you would suggest? I value everyone's opinion here but I'd really appreciate your views.
I also wanted to ask how much work is involved in temporarily unhidding my earlier threads? I am not sure I want to but maybe by looking back I can evaluate better my path. I am interested in particular to compare my early goals/actions to now. Will be interesting to see if I have really made the changes I wanted to. Though part of me does not want to be reminded of how bad I was at handling my situation.
Good morning roist, I am not cadet, but I am here to support you.
You can see all of your posts if you click on your screen name and select view posts.
Looking back can be of benefit, but do it in a manner to learn from, not to dwell on.
Keep moving forward, keep healing, keep learning. Your recent posts show progress.
You need to recognize this.
Thank you SH. You have helped me twice today. I listened to the talks you suggested to Pheobe earlier.Helped recenter me where I am going. I like much of your advice and work on yourself.
You seem to be doing good. At the very least you are learning and connecting hugely with your D.
I appreciate your support.
I wanted to look back to be sure I hadn't forgotten about an important action I intended doing. It is easy to get sidetracked; n this roller coaster! So yes it was looking back to move forward. I'm heading towards better things.
It is a pleasure to help you roist, your journey has been a long one and I am learning from guys like you as I read their stories.
I will keep checking in with you, cheering you on, sharing my successes and stumbles, so we can make this journey a successful one.
God has a plan for us, we just need to take the steps.
Gave a fine day, my friend. You deserve it.
One thing I got from this mornings listenings is that my W is not trying to make me suffer. She is doing the best she can with her situation.This I believe to be true. It really does help to realise that. This in no way belittles how we are being treated, but does help how it affects us.
How we let things affect us is one of the key things I picked up on this journey.It really is a choice. It is not easy but is within our control. I try as much as possible to act in accordance to my beliefs/plan as much as possible regardless of how I feel or how W is. Except where disrespect is concerned I stand up to that and will act accordingly.
My greatest comfort is my greatest source of discomfort.My W. I will cake eat and appreciate what I have until I have become who I wantto be. Then we'll see about us. Also one of the things that gives me hope is also one that makes me lose hope, I.e. how long this has lasted.
I choose to be optimistic, though realistically so.
roist, I just want to say thank you.
I have been in a weird place and struggling to have any emotions take shape, yet I feel them just under the surface. Yet as I was jogging this morning, it hit me. I have been stuck in this mode of blaming. That is what I have been focused on.
I have found that I am blaming her for every little thing.
Blame for our current situation.
Blame for the pain she is causing me, my daughters, herself.
I am blaming her for things in the past, for things in the future, basically I am laying blame at her feet for everything.
And then I read your post below. It hit me hard, because I know you are right.
She is not trying to hurt me. She is trying to escape her own hurt. Part of focusing on me and making myself better is to take responsibility for how I let things affect me. To honor her struggle. To stay in my lane. To be the lighthouse.
Thank you again for sharing such words of wisdom and a reminder for me this day.
One thing I got from this mornings listenings is that my W is not trying to make me suffer. She is doing the best she can with her situation.This I believe to be true. It really does help to realise that. This in no way belittles how we are being treated, but does help how it affects us.
How we let things affect us is one of the key things I picked up on this journey.It really is a choice. It is not easy but is within our control. I try as much as possible to act in accordance to my beliefs/plan as much as possible regardless of how I feel or how W is. Except where disrespect is concerned I stand up to that and will act accordingly.
My greatest comfort is my greatest source of discomfort.My W. I will cake eat and appreciate what I have until I have become who I wantto be. Then we'll see about us. Also one of the things that gives me hope is also one that makes me lose hope, I.e. how long this has lasted.
I choose to be optimistic, though realistically so.
Cadet,
Can I have your reading of my situation and what you would suggest? I value everyone's opinion here but I'd really appreciate your views.
I also wanted to ask how much work is involved in temporarily unhidding my earlier threads? I am not sure I want to but maybe by looking back I can evaluate better my path. I am interested in particular to compare my early goals/actions to now. Will be interesting to see if I have really made the changes I wanted to. Though part of me does not want to be reminded of how bad I was at handling my situation.
Yes I totally missed your post thanks for alerting me.|
I will read up on your thread later and post my thoughts later.
It is not too much trouble to move your threads back to this board there are 3 of them.
Just notify me and I can do it.
No worries. With the years you have spent on the forum plus your extracurricular studying/reading I value your insight. Also do you know of any of similar long duration limbo without a real BD or separation?
I'll get back to you about temporarily bringing back my first few threads. Thanks
You may need a few questions to clarify my situation as I have not mentioned W etc that much in recent months.
OK - It has taken me all day to read through this thread and I really wanted to go back and read the others, especially the hidden ones to see if I could uncover anything else.
The reason it has taken so long is that I have been busy at work, and do this when the phone is not ringing or I do not have to moderate a newbie. So it has nothing to do with your thread.
First thing I will give you,
is that helping you to raise your children it might help if you look up
Erik Erikson who invented the Stages of Human Development.
This is what children are suppose to learn at different ages.
It is 8 stages and includes 3 stages of adulthood.
So 5 stages as a child.
As far as your relationship goes.
Sounds like your wife is in early menopause/perimenopause .
This could take years to complete and and she has to decide that
she wants to FIX herself, no differently than you and me.
My experience is that when things progress slowly and not as much high energy is
going on this whole process takes even longer.
So I guess I can only advise that you continue doing what you are working
on and at some point decide what you will and will not accept in your marriage.
If I have time later I will post some more.
However I am going to have a very busy weekend coming up so
maybe not.
Thank you Cadet. I appreciate the time you dedicated to my request.I am not spinning nor am I going anywhere soon. So do what you have to do and enjoy your weekend.You can get back to me afterwards if you come up with anything else.
Yes my W seems to be at menopause/perimenopause.Looking at how that can affect a woman was already on my to do list, but I have been concentrating more on me lately. I will look this up though.Thanks for highlighting it.
I will definitely check out those stages of development
I have come across briefly some aspects of development and was a logical addition to what I have been concentrating on.
I have a pretty clear idea of what I want my M to look like and what is acceptable or not. I am accepting much less for the moment. I am also not accepting certain behavior that unconsciously or consciously I let slip in the past.
Anyway. Thank you for this and for everything you do here. Enjoy your weekend
morning buddy, the developmental stages are extraordinary concepts.
it helps us see almost exactly where a person emotionally stop developing due to crap that happened during childhood.
it is also a great way tof focus on treating kids thier age (more or less).
I love where you are going with all of this and I love that you are giving your wife the grace to sort things out.
I know this has been hard for you...missing touch, the companionship and the trust...not only in her but her trusting you.
you are standing for her despite all of that and as a man I say thank you for being strong.
I am also glad you are bringing back your old posts...I wanted to go back last week and reread them all too.
have a great weekend.
Your request has been granted
Thank you Cadet.I'll go through them when I can set aside a good block of time. Hope your weekend was good.
started to reread from the beginning.
you are doing great!
Z, thank you for wanting to reread my threads and thank you for being there from the beginning. You were the first person to write to me when I first outlined my story. It is a pity that post is lost.
I've reread my first thread (well second as my first was lost, though that is propbably no harm veiwing how I was then!!) Honestly I have found reading things from a year ago, really not motivating.
I probably don't post much about my R anymore so it is hard to see, but I am in the same position, or at least very similar, but I have changed. I am not the same man. I am not afraid of my W or if she leaves. I stand up to her when needed and set any boundaries I need. I like myself and know I will only get better. I have an image of how I want to raise my sons. I am more aware of different dynamics, patterns etc. that I was oblivious to before.
I have decided that this is not as good as it gets and is not what I want. My wife has until I have finished working on a few key issues for me. After that we will see. Maybe I will find something else to work on and put off the inevitable. But ultimately I am ready to let go this R.
My biggest reason for staying may become my main reason to leave. My boys. I believed and still do that staying together in a loving family is best for them. However a dysfonctional unhappy M is not the model I want them to grow up with, even if they are loved fully by both of us.
I am not down whilst writing this. I feel full of potential that in the future will explode and fill my life and that of my sons with fun and love and happiness. I feel caged in this M, but I imagine that soon that cage will burst and I will reach my full potential.
Can that be done staying within this R? I have my doubts. I can only go so far along my path within this cage. Either the cage expands too or it breaks. Que sera sera.
I am not finished working on me. There is more to be done and some changes required are deep entrenched, so will take time to achieve. I give that gift of time back to my W.
I'll post more when I read my other threads. I am eager to read the actions etc I had planned on working on.
Finished reading my second thread. I'll share my thoughts when I finish the others. I have really struggled. I think I followed the best path available but won't necessarily repeat the same path. It has served me to get to where I am at and no other path would have achieved that.
Anyway continuing my learning I came across something called inner bonding. I have only scratched the surface, so I am not sure about it. But it is interesting. It is about connecting to ones self. I already have gone through a similar concept so I want to evaluate the differences.
The path I have chosen for my boys is parenting by connection.The lack of connection with my W is why I got into this mess and hence what I would like the chance to rebuild.
I will reflect on this but the lack of connection appears to be the root of many of societies problems and mine in particular.Connection resonates with me as the path to follow.
You can only connect with someone that wants to be connected to you.
Not sure right now you have that choice.
You are only responsible for your 50% of the marriage.
I agree that unless W wants to reconnect there will be no connection. Thank you for sharing your observation. Any other insights?
My path is to connect deeply with my kids. With myself.Deepen my connection to others. My W is not my priority right now as I know that is a waste of energy. But I will continue to improve my tool set for a better R down the road. To do that I will need to improve certain skills including empathy and validation, amongst others.
The more I work on myself the more there is to work on. Or at least more I want to work on.
The more I work on myself the more there is to work on.
Or at least more I want to work on.
Just that working on self is a Lifetime event.
You get to stop when they put you in a box and shovel dirt on you.
Dont let that stop you from continuing to move forward.
WOW I have finished rereading all my threads. Not sure how I feel about all of that. I will be removing them all soon for two reasons. Firstly as a precaution in case W gets curious about me and "snoops"!! Secondly I am hesitant to have my life out there forever for everyone to see. I suppose a third reason is I want to move on from there too.
To move on I have copied many posts from all these threads. I did not copy everything and left some good advice and thoughts behind. I took what I thought could help me going forward at this stage in my process. I thank everyone who has contributed to my journey.
Just a quick clarification, for those who have read all my threads and continue to follow my journey. I am not and have not swept the issue of inappropriate friend under the carpet. I have not mentioned it much and have purposefully not included much about it in my recap thread.
This is not to belittle the importance I attached to it but more to avoid my focusing exclusively on this. Furthermore this friendship seems to have disintegrated. My W, two FF and this guy used to be a close gang. W now has very little if any contact with any of them. Recently one of the W had a birthday party. Mr inappropriate was there. But W was not even aware there was a party until we saw it on FB.
If this friendship reblossoms I will enforce a full boundary. Until then I choose to focus on me and my path and basically the part of this journey that I can actually control.
I will start a new thread later and I will link it to my recap thread. Then after reviewing my old threads I will get them removed. Anyone interested in reading my full journey have only a few days before I ask the administrators to remove my threads.