A new way of thinking 3, along with a new life

Link to last thread:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2648450&page=1

Hello, everyone! It's been a while since I've posted. I completed what I've been calling "hell week" last week. The divorce agreement has been hammered out. After many temper tantrums on the part of STBXH, I managed to wind up with everything I need to be able to move forward and survive on my own.

There is nothing like trying to reason with a MLC spouse - they vary somewhere between reasoning like a toddler, a teenager, and every once in a while...a rational adult - but the adult doesn't want to appear very often. It was so very hard doing it this way, negotiating on our own, but it saved so much money. When it comes down to cold, hard cash - that's when I observe old H peeking out from behind this new, "it's all about me!" version. Old H can see the need for certain things, while the MLC monster doesn't want to give up a penny.

I can't pretend to really understand it - but I'm trying. I'm reading all I can about the topic of MLC - and while it doesn't fix anything at all, it goes a long way towards helping me come to terms with this abrupt change in personality, morals, and ethics of this person I thought I knew better than anyone else in the world.

The hardest part for me has been coming to terms with the utter hopelessness of the situation. Until this thing has run its' course, the old H is buried...gone for all intents and purposes. This boggles the mind! How can such a thing happen? I don't have any guarantees for the future. Will he come back? Will he ever want to come back? That's not for me to know.

Coming to terms with that has been the hardest thing I've ever had to do. The life I had is over. This new life I'll have does not include H at all. That hurts, you know? All the love, all the caring, everything I feel for the man has to be packaged and put away. I have no idea what life is going to be like in the future. I'm putting all my focus at first on survival, but then it will be healing, and getting a life of my own.

I'm still struggling with it somewhat - having a toddler tantrum of my own, in my mind. "I don't want to!" What I want regarding H cannot matter. He's fired me. This whole thing has moved so quickly my mind is still spinning! I feel like I'm coming to terms with it, reluctantly. I do know that I'd rather be on my own, if the alternative is being with this new version who shrinks away from me if I get too close, who regularly attacks me with words, and who demeans me every chance he gets.

I'm so tired of hearing that I'm the reason his life didn't work out the way he hoped. That being married to me is the reason he didn't achieve all his goals - that I ruined his life. That is typical MLC talk - but it doesn't make it hurt any less. I hope one day he's able to see all the good I brought into his life...and I brought a lot. Right now? He sees none of it, only the bad. He's got a scorecard I never even thought about keeping.

So, my new life is opening up...I just have to put on my big-girl boots and meet it boldly. I'm doing the best I can.

I'm so proud of you Ancaire and I missed you. It's not easy what you had to do recently, nevertheless you have done it with grace and handled it very well.

You are such an inspiration for me.
Take care :-)

Ancaire, you're doing great. It's so hard, but you sound very grounded. Well done.

I am so glad you are posting again Ancaire. You sound like you are doing the best that you can in a very heartbreaking situation. Please keep posting, even on the days when you aren't feeling inspirational and strong, we can be here for you when you need to vent.

(((Ancaire)))

You're holding the fort well. One of these days, your H is going to realise that the grass is greener on the other side because it's fake or because it's fertilised by bullsh!t.

Meanwhile, you would have carved out a wonderful life for yourself.

Super impressed with your resolve, Ancaire. I know you'll do just fine and go on to lead a wonderful life with or without your H.

Originally Posted By: Ancaire

Link to last thread:

I'm so tired of hearing that I'm the reason his life didn't work out the way he hoped. That being married to me is the reason he didn't achieve all his goals - that I ruined his life.

It's hard when it gets down to the final final....but being more of a newbie and some of the advice that I have gotten fits here as it's "just a piece of paper"...that is...the final divorce.

But that he blames you for the reason his life didn't work out is hogwash. What a cop out and you are a good person for not going ballastic on that stuff. I think whether is a H or W....its the same story that "we" are the reason for everything going wrong....no ownership

I almost said to my STBX tonight that I guess I am also the reason ISIS exists too right? Throw that on the list...geez

Hope you power through this very difficult time.

Ancaaaaaaaaaaaire!!!

Thanks for the update.

I posted on Julie's thread, it's worth a read. Many men feel that the court systems are extremely violating. If it seems like it's about the money, it isn't. It's more like an animal trying desperately to escape a wolf trap.

Anyway, you're doing better and that's the point. You hope H someday realizes the good you've brought into his life. I hope you someday don't need him to realize that. It takes time. You'll get there

Ancaire,

Glad to see you posting. Can't say it's good and totally get the feeling of utter disbelief you get sometimes, that life turned out the way it did. You are strong and have come a long way!

*hugs*

I am so glad to see your okay. I have no doubt the the worst is behind you and things will start to improve. I know it will because I have faith in you. You have just walked through a sh!t storm and did so with dignity and class. Your a good woman Judy and I have every confidence that one year from now you'll have your joy back. Please visit us more often, we love and missed you. Be well

Originally Posted By: Ancaire

This whole thing has moved so quickly my mind is still spinning! I feel like I'm coming to terms with it, reluctantly. I do know that I'd rather be on my own, if the alternative is being with this new version who shrinks away from me if I get too close, who regularly attacks me with words, and who demeans me every chance he gets.

I'm so tired of hearing that I'm the reason his life didn't work out the way he hoped. That being married to me is the reason he didn't achieve all his goals - that I ruined his life. That is typical MLC talk - but it doesn't make it hurt any less. I hope one day he's able to see all the good I brought into his life...and I brought a lot. Right now? He sees none of it, only the bad. He's got a scorecard I never even thought about keeping.

So, my new life is opening up...I just have to put on my big-girl boots and meet it boldly. I'm doing the best I can.

Ancaire, you are so brave and strong! I am so glad that you were able to secure a future. Take good care of yourself.

I think what you're experiencing is still the affair fog (you're right, this has gone very quickly!), and the blame that he *has* to put on you in order to live with what he has done. If it's not your fault, if you didn't cause this, then it would be his responsibility, and that would be hard to live with for him.

Keep us updated and stay safe.

ancaire as i was reading that long paragraph a lot of that reflected back to my situation. Everything is so fast , it's unbelievable. Everything is blamed on you. You didnt even know he/she was keeping a scoreboard. You know why we dont keep scoreboards? because we actually offered true unconditional love.
Stay strong ancaire. I am too in the final stages of this mess. I have my main court that will decide everything this feb25 and yes it's scary. You are a strong woman and im glad you are doing good!

Blessings!

Ancaire...I'm happy to see you're back. And it's wonderful that you got a good settlement. I'm sorry you're sad about your old life with H being over. But you sound strong and positive about your new life. Hugs to you. You really are amazing.

Rain

Hello!

I'm still on the silent side, and will continue to need to be for the next week. I'm moving!!! Into my own apartment!!!

I'm really, really happy about it. One of my daughters helped me find it - I'm only about 2 blocks away from her. She's got all kinds of plans for the future that involve me. LOL

Thanks to the settlement, I've got the funds I needed to move. As soon as I could - I got right on that, and found a place the first day I went out looking - and it's perfect for what I need right now!

I've been doing some online job interviews and taking assessment tests online as well. I'm going to lay off the job hunt for now, until I finish the move (ugh! so much to do!) - but so far, so good. It cracks me up that employers pre-screen their applicants by making them take online tests these days - but it does seem like a good idea.

One job that I really do want sent me an e-mail today letting me know I scored exceptionally well on their test, and that I will be hearing from the management staff soon. I'm excited about that.

It looks like things are on the upswing now! I am so happy to be moving forward, finally.

So, please bear with me for one more week, while I finish packing, moving, and unpacking. LOL This is a good silence! I'm thrilled to be in my own place, and I LOVE the place I found. AND!!!! I get to decorate however I want!!! I can do a totally girlie look. LOL

I had to go to court again today, only to be rescheduled again for next month. Sigh. I'm ready for this to be over, but it's taking forever. I do know they've downgraded it, for certain, to a much less serious crime at the very least. My L is still working on getting a dismissal. We'll just have to wait and see.

I'm happy, guys. As happy as I can be under the circumstances. Once I was ready to move on, everything just started falling into place! Life is starting to look good again. Of course, H is out of town....LOL That might have a LOT to do with why I'm so happy, which makes it even more clear that it's time for me to go. I'm solidly in the here and now, and enjoying this new adventure as much as I can.

Ancaire, good to hear that you're doing so well! This is a great silence.

Praying for a total dismissal of your case in court.

Lovely to hear from you Anc

V

Morning judy, i really hope your move goes smoothly!

The court date switch does seam like a hassle...i would want to get past this hurdle too.

Really sounds like the settlement was fair for you, which is all you could really hope for, that punishment is not doled out.

Have you had any more IC sessions?
I would hope that you are able to find someone close to your new place to help work through all of this.

(((Judy)))

Judy, you sound like you're doing great! I'm so glad that you're excited about your move and that you get to be so close to your daughter. That's awesome!
I'm also so glad to hear that they have at least lowered the charges. I'm crossing my fingers and praying for a dismissal. You've been through enough! Take your time getting settled in so you're sure you get your apartment JUST RIGHT!

. Can't wait to see you back on this list telling us how great you're doing. Take care!!!

How are you dear friend?

Ancaire,

Despite the sad reasons for these changes, I feel happy for you. I can almost see the weight lift off of you as you type

Very happy to hear things are going smoothly, all things considering, and that you are so excited about the move!

On the court date - dragging out may be in your favor. The longer it takes, the more likely I think it is to drop. Keeping my fingers crossed for good news about that, too.

Ancaire, good luck with the move and I can't wait to hear about your new apartment! I know it isn't easy but you have such a strength and positivity about you, you are a survivor. Hang in there, don't do any heavy lifting!

Judy, how are you doing? Hope all is going well for you. Enjoy decorating and kiss that baby!

Originally Posted By: Ancaire

Link to last thread:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2648450&page=1

Coming to terms with that has been the hardest thing I've ever had to do. The life I had is over. This new life I'll have does not include H at all. .

Today I took off my rose colored glasses and am following your very admirable position of coming to terms with your new path. I'm at the starting line cheering you on in your move.

I also wish for a speedy dismissal of your court case.

Giving you a drive by hug - hope all is still well with you and your positive changes

Hello, hoping you are liking your new place and that you are settling in ok.

It's been over a month since you posted and I hope that means you are busy living your life!

Let us know how you're doing one of these days...

Hi, hope you're OK. I haven't been on here for a long time either because I just needed a break from it all. I hope you're doing well and are out there GAL!

Just caught up on your sitch and I love that there is much good news. You have been incredibly strong throughout this. I see you have been MIA for a while--so have I. I hope it is because you have a lot of wonderful new opportunities taking up your time.