My wife and I have been married for 9 years.We have 2 boys together (5 & 3) I found out a few months ago there was a male co-worker she had become quite friendly with, starting with social media, then grew into group texting with coworkers, and then into personal texts. I eventually learned they were all meeting up for dinner when I was out of town one night and had a friend "spy" on the situation. My friend confirmed that the situation was a little too "touchy feely" to be just a friendship.
I immediately called my wife, and the other man (who's cell number I had gotten when we all went out together one night when attempting to build friendships with her friends). He told me that she was cheating on me with him, and when I asked if it was physical told me "not yet." I was enraged with hurt. Now my wife says "he didn't say that" or "he was too drunk and probably said it being a smartass" etc.
I told her that in order for us to fix our relationship, that the emotional affair had to stop and needed to be severed. She refused to do so, or even acknowledge her constant texting, hanging out at restaurants and bars with him even with others from work as an affair. We subsequently separated on a trial separation, nothing legal. She told me that we fought all the time and I was verbally abusive, which I can admit. I didn't fight fair a lot of times, but neither did she.
I had threatened to leave on several occasions. She had threatened to kick me out on several as well. I just chocked it up to marital conflict, we would fight and then be okay by lunch the next day.
Since the separation I have been devastated about losing my family and splitting time with my children. I have tried to beg and plead for her to come back, and it's only made things worse. It's hard to commit to NC with kids because of school arrangements and scheduling. Also. She also continues to see and spend time with him even after what was said to me. I feel disrespected and betrayed and made a mockery of.
I've since come to the realization that I cannot force this situation and "win" her back. I've tried and said everything in my heart, and she is cold to it all. She wants nothing to do with me right now, and everything to do with him it seems. Am I right to step away at this point and just let it unfold? I don't want a divorce, but it doesn't seem as though this separation is affecting her whatsoever while it's tearing me apart.
I told her last night that I didn't want to speak to her unless it was about the kids anymore. That her lifestyle was hurtful to me and I just didn't recognize her anymore and that's where I left it...I've decided to focus on my life and doing things fulfilling both personally and spiritually that make me feel good (charity work at my church, long nights at the gym, etc.). I have no interest in the bar scene, but she does.. with this guy in tow most of the time.
I just feel like I've already lost.
Help please?
Welcome to the board
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH. Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...224#Post2578224Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
I've since come to the realization that I cannot force this situation and "win" her back.
I've tried and said everything in my heart, and she is cold to it all.
She wants nothing to do with me right now, and everything to do with him it seems.
Am I right to step away at this point and just let it unfold? I don't want a divorce, but it doesn't seem as though this separation is affecting her whatsoever while it's tearing me apart.
YUP ^^^^ this is part of the script and you are on the right track.
Read my homework post and keep posting.
You must detach and give her some space, that is first on the list.
I'm sorry you are going through this. While I have no words of wisdom since I am a newbie as well...I can tell you...you will hear from great people willing to help and listen. please stay strong and try to detach
Chris,
It's good you're here. Almost all of us beg and plead. And things sometimes get better, and then get worse again.
You might think that Sandi's rules are suggestions. I would encourage you to think of them as your new rules that you live by, and read them every morning.
Wayward Wives do not think logically. You do.
I fought with my wife a lot in our marriage - nothing severe, but it's now her axe she grinds when we talk... nothing was ever good. The book on your marriage has been rewritten in front of you, I know.
She will say hurtful things to you, if you continue to discuss the marriage and anything resembling the R. Talk in pithy statements, fake happiness if you need to, especially for the boys.
Could it be a MLC? Is she dealing with past hurt? Did you do something that forced her to re-asses her life?
Deep breaths. Take every day as ONE day. And if you have to bite your lip clear off, DO IT. Your heart is asking WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY, but it's an answer that your wife does not have, nor will she for a while.
I don't want a divorce in my sitch, either... it might happen. After 2 months, I have begun to accept that the D will happen, and that I must now start preparing for the worst, and hope for the best.
What are you doing with the boys? Any fun activities? Are they getting time with their grandparents, or aunts/uncles? Normalcy for them is great... making things as normal as possible.
Thanks for your reply. I'm new here so I don't really know what all the acronyms mean.. MLC? I know that our history of "fighting" often involved both us us fighting unfairly. From Chapter 1 my situation is dead on the same exact ordeal with the wife that put up the wall and no one could tear it down. She told me that the harsh things I would say built up and built up and eventually she just had enough.
I was just surprised because no matter how much we both would fight and say things we didn't mean, I had no idea she was so unhappy. Like I said, most of the time we had made up by lunch the day after. But now she informs me that she was miserable and it is devastating, because no matter what I always only wanted our happiness together, I guess I took advantage of her because I knew no matter how much we fought I could never leave her, even though we had both threatened it on several occasions.
This has all come as a huge shock to me. Had I know she was so miserable with me I would have done more to stop fighting with her so much.. I never would have chosen this.. I love her and I love my family with all my heart. I've tried to express that and everything I say is just shut down. Like someone has just slammed the door in my face and she won't have anything to do with it.
I'm new here so I don't really know what all the acronyms mean.. MLA?
No MLC = Mid Life Crisis
Abreviations/Acronyms are pinned to the top of the forum
Thank you,
I'm not sure.. She certainly seems like an alien. A scary sight indeed. I don't even recognize her. She is flat cold to me, when I cry, when I don't. I feel like she is just this shell of the woman I married. She knows it hurts me when she goes out to dinner with her work friends knowing the OM is around, and she is open (if I ask) about telling me he is. I just don't understand how she could tell me they are "just friends" after this guy (drunk or not) has openly told me shes having an affair with him behind my back. and then laughed about it. He completely disrespected me right in front of her.. and she still does it.
I don't know how or why she can hurt me like that.. It [censored] to see someone be so careless about my feelings.
I can tell you not too long ago she experienced a miscarriage when we were trying hard for a little girl. The fetus never got far enoug along to know the baby's sex but I know it took a toll on her. I also know that the OM is a single dad of 1 daughter. This may be coincidence, but as many of you know when you spend most of your time trying to piece together "why's" you think of everything possible.
I think what I am dealing with is a Walkaway Wife.. It is scary familiar to me..
I am sure this is all explained in the book, which will be at my house by 6pm tomorrow, but is the best way to deal with a WW situation is by detaching and going dark? I am so absolutely terrified that by doing that I'm just sending some message that "You're right, fine I won't talk to you, you win.. serve me papers.."
This is so hard.
I am so absolutely terrified that by doing that I'm just sending some message that "You're right, fine I won't talk to you, you win.. serve me papers.."
Just because you are served papers you are not divorced.
Just because you talk to a lawyer you are not divorced either
This is not over until YOU decide it is.
Believe in the above advice. ^^^^
She will say the most horrible things about you, true or not, to others to justify what she is doing. She may have family and friends who reinforce her feelings and even amplify them to further drive a wedge between you. That is how my W got to the point an EA was OK. She had a serial adulterer friend who coached her on how to hide things and of course reinforce why I was a horrible person and the reason she was unhappy. Same with the family. Your W's head is so full of BS about you she actually believes you are the devil. She is on a high with this new A where none of the OM's warts are visible. At some point that will change. The more you detach, the quicker that will happen. Sandi's rules on WW's are the way to go. You have to get the fog of the A out of her head before she will start thinking logically. It really is amazing how selfish and destructive WW's get but they are on an emotional high that blocks out everything. So first step is to follow Sandi's rules to get the fog cleared.
Separate finances, cell phones, insurance, credit cards, etc. Don't finance her A one penny. Work out an agreed child care plan and get it in writing.
Most important, DO NOT MOVE OUT OF THE MARITAL HOUSE!!
Then you have to GAL and make yourself someone only a fool would leave. If things don't work out at least you will be someone you can be proud of.
If there is to be a divorce let her do all the work. Well, at least until you have to go to the last resort strategy to wake her up, but you have a long way until then.
She will lie, complain, be nasty and manipulative. Expect it as her emotions will be all over the place. You be calm, strong and confident. Actions are strong, words are weak, and doing nothing is permission/acceptance.
By detaching and setting boundaries that you reinforce with actions when violated you become attractive. Women are attracted to strong, confident men. Begging is weak, she already doesn't respect you so it only reinforces her opinion and pushes her away. Be strong, confident, and decisive, that's what gains respect. Don't pursue, beg, talk about the R or A, it is pointless at this time. Forget the OM, he is a bum and beneath you.
I agree and plan to do all those things. Just a few issues..
1.) I already have moved out of the marital house. I basically did it to keep the peace and not fight in front of my children. I sign a temporary 7 month lease and have all my own bills (cell, utilities, cable, etc) but there is still a small amount of inheritance money in a joint account that only her name was on. I feel kind of like a fool because I was so trusting of her in this marriage that I let her handle all the finances and didn't even pay money any mind.. I understand my mistake now that we are separated.
2.) Today, for example, I didn't contact her at all. She had a big interview for a job and I sent her 1 text saying "I hope all goes well today. Have a good day", She responded "it's at 1.. and Thanks"..end of contact for the day. Around 4 pm when I was driving to get my kids from school she initiated contact via text with me telling me "I survived the interviews! Yay I as so scared!" to which I simple responded "Good job, I know how nervous you get and I'm sure you were terrified, happy for you! See you around 8 when you get the boys"..end of contact.. then about 15 mins ago she called me.. asking me if she was coming here to get them or if I wanted her to meet me at the gym to get them and that "she just wanted to do whatever was most convenient for me.".. I told her to just text me when she got here and I would bring them down to her.
This type of attitude is confusing to me but I will stay strong in going dark. I am just wondering how effective it can be when she is constantly contacting me. It's as if she wants to continue her EA and have me as a friend too.. Something that just isnt possible for me.. I try to remain civil for the kids sake, but I feel like she is getting the wrong impression from me.
I have my boys Tuesday and Thursday afternoon until 8pm and every other full weekend Friday night to Sunday night. I've found that things are much more effective on the long stretched of Friday-Tuesday that I don't have them and long spans of NC are present. I guess I should be keeping contact as short and as sweet as possible? I want MAX effect!
Thanks
Chris,
You said you didn't contact her at all... and then you texted BACK to her twice. Then you answered her call... that isn't going dark.
She needs to feel that she lost you. No contact. You can't compete with OM. You could be superman and couldn't get her back.
If it's for kid handoff, or for an event, I understand.
Please read Sandi's rules (stickied on the forum)... and then re-read them.
Yes, she's cake-eating, and as long as she knows she can do it, SHE WILL!
Things will have to get worse before they get better. If you're out of the house, it actually makes it easier to NC.
Imagine her as a baby-sitter - the hand-offs should be quick. You're dying inside, I know, been there, done that.
Stay strong.
Thanks Trumpet.. I will take your advice and work on that. This is new to me but I intend to do this effectively
I am also limiting contact. We still live together with our boys so i understand it is very hard. I am not going dark but limiting contact and conversation. If she texts me a question she gets the answer. No more no less. I'm not being rude or cold. It's more about detaching and focusing on you. Very hard I know. if my W texts me with a statement looking to engage in conversation I will reply with that's good or nice to hear. And say I am busy with something. Which I usually and to have a nice day. Let her come to you. If you are going dark I'm not the one to take advice from. Best of luck! Remember to focus on yourself!
Chris -
There is no MAX effect. That's not the point of no contact.
The point of going dark is to give you the space that you need to GAL, to detach, to not make things WORSE. She isn't going to come running back to you because you stop talking to her for a couple of days.
I'm glad to see that you've started looking into yourself. Now is the time to start doing the real mirror work. Who do you want to be? How can you become HIM? Going dark will give you the space that you need to do that kind of work.
Thanks Azzork and you are completely correct.
Tonight when she picked up the kids she tried to initiate a conversation about my day, I halted it by laying some ground rules for the kids going forward. I know I have them Tuesday and Thursday until 8pm come Hell or high water. Up unto this point she has used the days I have the kids as a reason to text me just to get a response. I politely told her today that going forward to just understand barring any unexpected circumstance she just pick up the kids at 8. I also told her " What you're engaged in is not okay with me and I won't tolerate it in my life" "I think its just best we not speak" wished her well loaded my kids, got in my truck and went to the gym. I was polite, but firm in my decision. Since I was at the gym shes called and texted me each 3 times fishing for a response.. I've answered none of them and don't intend to going forward.
Now I'm excited to start looking at the man I want to be for my kids and my relationship with my God. Signed up for some local outreach food drives at my church this weekend to fill my Saturday and my first game of disc golf ever.. I'm excited for that. Finally, a shred of peace. I will cherish it.
The reason I said to not move out is because some guys on here have been accused of abandoning the family and it was used against them during divorce proceedings. This is something you should talk to a lawyer about so you don't fall into that hole.
Initiating the text about good luck at the interview was pursuing. This lets her know you are still her plan B and she can continue to cake-eat. Limit contact to just about coordinating with the kids.
My understanding is an inheritance is not considered something to be divided. If it is your inheritance, then you should ask for it in full. It is not hers in any context.
My understanding is an inheritance is not considered something to be divided. If it is your inheritance, then you should ask for it in full. It is not hers in any context.
I think it varies by state. Where I am, if it is deposited into a joint account, or used to buy marital assets (such as a house, car, etc), them it becomes marital and would be split in a divorce.
But just because her name is on an account doesn't make it any less your money.
Is this something I should be focusing on at this point? Money and belongings? Its my understanding that these types of things are what are handled during divorce proceedings.
I also have a large commercial zero turn lawnmower at our house that I obviously cant house at my apartment. We aren't legally separated, this is just a trial separation at the moment. I'm afraid to be too rash that might indicate I'm pushing for divorce. I feel like I should be using this time to work on my life and what I want.. not dividing assets and property.. Am I wrong?
No. I wouldn't worry about "stuff" at this point.
But you should know where your money is and figure out how to protect yourself.
As long as your finances are intertwined, you are liable for any debt that your W accumulates.
I only said to get the inheritance because I despise funding an A. It wasn't to get stuff. But I see your point.
I understand what many of you are saying in terms of "going dark' on my WAW. But I am a little confused by its contradiction to some of Sandi's rules. These rules state that I should not initiate contact and pull back. But, at the same time they tell me
"No frequent phone calls to spouse.......let him/her be the one to call you. Then don't try to hang on to your spouse through conversation.....instead, you say good-bye first."
So is this saying to entertain a phone call if my wife calls to talk to me? From what I take from the rules its to GAL and let my W initiate contact. but keep it short, happy, and sweet.
Can someone clarify?
You don't need to completely ignore her. She's the mother of your kids! No matter what, she will be in your life in some capacity.
But you don't need to reply to EVERY text and EVERY call. If she sends a text that says like "Have a nice day." you don't need to reply to that. But if she says "will you pick up Jimmy from school today?" Then you can and should reply.
But when you do, short, cordial, to the point messages.
Not necessarily contradictory. In your case you will have contact with the W concerning your children. Just no need to prolong a conversation with chit chat or have discussions about things other than the kids. No "how was your day" type stuff. Just keep it to things about your kids. And you don't need to answer the calls or texts right away. You can let the call go to voicemail then you can determine if it's something you NEED to reply to, otherwise you are free to just ignore it. Same with texts. Unless it is something that must be responded to right away, like things about your kids, just let it go. Seriously, if she is just asking what you are doing for dinner what's the point replying. Remember, you are now a busy guy with all your new GAL activities (whether true or not). You don't have time for chit chat with someone that disrespects you and your family.
Same goes for when you NEED to contact the W about the kids. There aren't many things you need to initiate contact with her about. The kids for coordinating their care. Maybe a few other things that you absolutely MUST contact her about. None of the 'good luck on the interview", etc. stuff.
If you are on a phone call and need to hang up just say you have to go because some friends are waiting. Don't elaborate. Just leave the impression you are busy and having fun.
She has to feel the loss of you and that you will not be available for her plan B if the OM doesn't work out. Don't let her think for a second you are going to be around for plan B.
By NOT answering her calls, she will be annoyed, but will start to realize you're not there for her. She will, after some time, begin to understand you are not plan B, with plan A being the other man. In withdrawls from an affair, plan A is still in front of you, and probably by a long ways.
You looking like a willing participant to plan B at any time will put plan A in a more dominant place. 'Look at this, Chris wants to be my friend, even when I'm pooping on him... awesome, he's such a great father, and such a nice guy. I think that means I can continue to see the OM and have Chris as my backup plan!'.
She will have to clear the fog of the affair. It's like she was possessed - at least that's how my wife seems right now.
I've heard some call it tough love. Tough love isn't yelling at your kids - tough love is putting your arm around them, when they're hurting, getting into their inner circle, and helping them to understand their actions were wrong, and how to fix it in the future. It's tough on BOTH parties.
Distance many times makes the heart grow fonder. You won't be burning your love bridge by putting distance between you and her.
Mvgfwrd2's adivce is very wise.
Ever lose someone close to you, Chris? How the grief comes in waves? And how you gradually become strong enough to recall those deeply personal memories and not cry, but smile at them?
And cherish them? That's what it feels like in my journey with my WW. I'm strong enough now to truly GAL and detach. There are bad days, but yesterday was a GREAT day. Today, I hope for the same.
Re-read Sandi's rules, print them out, and highlight the ones you're struggling with. Read them every morning. Your other homework - write down what YOU want to do with your gift of time. YOUR time. YOUR life. YOUR mission of love to those around you. Short term - write 2 or 3. Long term - write 2 or 3. Dare to think about your life, and your daughter, and where a spectacular life would put you. Kids have a way of putting our focus on the minute and day. Start to take a 10,000 ft. view of your life... pull back the focus on the mundane. And if you have a great church, get involved.
Trumpet,
Thank You! That was very well put. I really appreciate you guys. I was just telling a coworker just how comforting it is to know there are people going through the same nightmare I am with a WAW. When it feels like this situation is so uniquely painful, it's good to have the support of such good and comforting folks. You guys will never know how big of a difference you've made to me even in this short time. Thanks so much for your support. I hope you all have a great day!
I feel the need to ask though, and I know I can'r really trust anything she says. In terms of EA's that a wife insists that there is no PA. How often is that a lie?
I think I am being wise by assuming that they intend to or have already taken it to that level, I'm just curious.
Chris,
I'm just happy to be here, man. So lucky I found this place.
Be thankful for something every day.
Take action every day. Action doesn't mean running a mile when you've never done it. Take a few steps. See where they take you. And take a few more tomorrow.
Post lots - Cadet's advice when I got here seemed pithy, like it was missing meaning. He just has been here enough to boil the fluff out of the advice. Sandi has probably seen it all. What's so amazing is that there are SOOOO many of us feeling and experiencing the SAME thing. The advice here WORKS. You just have to come to terms that the advice is for you, and not just some of it - all of it.
I feel the need to ask though, and I know I can'r really trust anything she says. In terms of EA's that a wife insists that there is no PA. How often is that a lie?
I think I am being wise by assuming that they intend to or have already taken it to that level, I'm just curious.
Here's what helped me.
Lets say I assume theres no PA and find out there is. The result is that I am going to be hurt by the revelation again in the future.
On the other hand, lets say i assume there is a PA and find out there isnt. The result is that I may be happily surprised in the future.
The way you interact with WW is the same either way, so why not assume the worst? It'll all come out in the end anyway.
Thanks Azzork.. Brilliantly and skillfully answered. You are right. My head is sometimes my greatest ally.. and other times my nemesis that knows my every tick. I appreciate it
I did look it up though and statistically speaking 70% of EA's become PA's at some point. That's a bold enough stat for me to assume the worst.
As many will say on here.
"Believe none of what they say and only half of what they do"
In the end an EA is just the beginning of a PA. It's all an A. So, in my view they are one and the same.
So how will I know when the time is right to begin talking to her again? I know that this process is for myself and throughout our separation this past month I have made significant changes to my life that I am quite proud of. I have a feeling though that the NC will effect my wife a great deal as I have always been the type of person to be there for her in her time of need or just a chat, no questions asked.
When will I know when I should be receptive to her calls again or if she is just wanting another slice of cake? I want to remain resolute in my values and what I want out of life and in my marriage but I also don't want to put up a front that I am unapproachable and have written her off. I do still love her very much.
So how will I know when the time is right to begin talking to her again?
You still need to TALK to her about the kids and logistics and such. Just not about life, relationship, feelings, etc.
You will know when it's time. Dont worry about it now.
Chris,
She needs to feel the loss.
It will feel at first that you're being a jerk. My mind kept on thinking BUT I'M THE GOOD GUY, WHY? It's because she needs to feel a change in your relationship. She is giddy in love - or maybe close. The pull is some of the strongest stuff known to man, like superglue, or duct tape!
The tough part is when she notices, and starts to ask questions. Mine got angry at first. Then came the questions. Her mind raced that now I was having an affair, and she got PI**ED. I now see, looking back, that it was emotions fueling her day-to-day activities. The texts I found from OM kept saying that they were the highlight of each other's day - that they LIVED to hear from their pen pal. It really is like an addiction.
If she's off the drug, she still wants the high of the attention. She might turn to you, but really, she's looking to just keep the fire going with plan A. Temperature check with you, yep, you're still there, back to her regurarily scheduled program, also known as Plan A.
I am so proud of you for making changes - now make the STICK. Keep it up - make the changes not just a change but a foundation of you, a cornerstone of who you are.
You WANT the NC to have an effect - that's awesome to know it will get her attention!
It will be very hard NOT to be her safety net. Remember, she has decided someone else was a better safety net than you. It's ok to be angry about that, but she can't see that right now. She just has to know that you just took your net and went home.
I got a little glimpse of my wife being humble and wanting to work on the R when she stopped the EA - it took about a week, and I saw the glimpse, and that she started to call and text me, and how she approached the conversations.
Tread lightly when you see that - and come back for advice when that happens. I made my biggest mistakes in that time, thinking she was back for good, but I went too fast, and demanded lots of things, which drove her away again. Still working to heal from that toe-stub. But I'm working on me, and really detaching now.
I think the time would be around the time she ends the A and has a real desire to work on the M.
Thanks Trumpet,
I really align with what you are saying. It IS hard to not be her safety net. As an oblivious husband that actually thought things were improving once the fighting began to stop I was always used to just being there. But you are correct. She fired me. I just want to avoid any talk of the A if at all possible. I certainly don't want to ask her "So have you ended it with OM?".
I'm clearly interested and excited to see what all I can accomplish with the newly found freedom. Even though this NC today and most of yesterday is a drop in the bucket, I've heard from 2 of my closest friends telling me shes texted them asking if they've heard from me today.
I know that without her taking the time to fix her own troubles on her own that we wouldn't have a fighting chance as a couple. And you're right.. I do feel like a jerk at times when she texts me and I don't respond. I think you are like me in that you just have a soft spot for your spouse even if they are openly pooping on us. But I will stay strong and give this all the time it needs to unfold.
I just want to avoid any talk of the A if at all possible. I certainly don't want to ask her "So have you ended it with OM?".
If she ends the A and is remorseful, you won't have to ask her. She will go to you and tell you. And, until she does......do not trust her words, and don't even trust her what she does, b/c the actions of a WW can really trip up a LBH.....if he puts trust into them. The first time she makes a move on you, you'll wonder what the heck is going on and will be posting how confused it's making you. You will see all types of emotions come from her.....don't believe them. She will test you to see how emotionally attached you are to the relationship......and the minute she is assured she has still has you, she's right back to her waywardness. It is what we call temp checking. She's taking your emotional temperature.
She may go to you crying about how hard she's having it, or play all nicey-nice, but it's all about
her and her selfishness. She is motivated by her selfishness and she lives for the moment. Whatever mood she happens to be in at the moment is how she will act.
You are off to a good start. Just brace yourself and know that you will have days of discouragement like never before. These guys know exactly what it's like, so come here and talk to them. They are a little farther ahead of you, so learn by their mistakes.
You can be your own best friend or worst enemy. It's all about your attitude. You can pep yourself up and have a great day, or you can allow defeated emotions to pull you down into a tunnel.
Right now, it's not about proving your love to your W. It is about standing for your family values, principles, self-respect, and spiritual beliefs. You can demonstrate this lovingly, but not in a weak manner. A man cannot afford to show his inner weakness to his WW. It is something about that weakness that makes a wayward wife want to vomit on him from disgust. It's b/c she has no respect for him as a man, and when she sees any form of inner weakness....she is thoroughly turned off. This is not the girl you married. She has changed and you will not be able to interact with her in the same manner as in the past.
I would suggest you get some type of counseling, group therapy, or research verbal abuse. Even when a couple says things they don't mean.....it still does damage to their respect and to their R. Even when you apologize, the damage is done. So, please get help for this issue and train yourself how to communicate when you are upset.
BTW, the good news is that she can change back to the woman you love. It won't be quickly, and won't be easy.....but it
can happen.
...and she will manipulate you any way she can. Kissing, hugging, sex, guilt, anger, threats, insults, anything and everything, good and bad, to get you back to the compliant stooge on plan B. So be prepared for whatever may come. Stay strong, calm, and confident, and let it roll off, it will eventually end when she realizes it isn't working. As she is doing all this just think of it as her focusing on you instead of the OM, even if it is rough, and that is a good thing. This is how the fog clears.
So I had an absolute blast with my Pastor playing my first game of disc golf ever.. It was fun to let loose a little, be in nature and just have a moment out for once. Then I went to my local gym for a few hours of hoops.. Just because I wanted to. Oh, and I left my cell in my truck on BOTH occasions.
However when I got back to my truck around about 8:15 after a nice and what I'd call successful first day of darkness I saw 4 missed calls from my W. I was reluctant to call back, but luckily she felt like calling a fifth time.
I answered, problem at school with my oldest. I handled it as any Father would do over the phone, was loving and kind to my son, who was crying because he was scared I would holler at him. I calmly corrected the issue told both him and my youngest I loved them and hung up. She texted me immediately with a "Thank you" to which I simple responded "you're welcome"... End of story. I felt like today was a good day.. My DR book came in the mail today so I have it to keep me busy..
Did I do good!?!
I would say that was right on the money.
Sounds like a good time to me!
Thanks. One thing that I am learning about myself in this sitch is that I particularly struggle with mornings when I'm not in the same house with her. As the day progresses and it gets closer to the time for me to get off work and have some free time to distract me I get better.
She texted me about my youngest taking his blanket to school this morning and I was almost weak enough to respond lovingly.Why does she constantly on the daily find a reason to contact me??! This stinks.
I know most of you say the biggest mistake is to move out of the house, but I don't see how I could effectively DB with a known affair going on right under my nose. I guess thinking about that doesn't matter because I'm not in that situation. Many of you are much stronger than I in that regard. Here's
to another great day.I've got my boys this afternoon when I get off work for a few hours until she comes to get them. Looking forward to their sweet faces and a trip to the Froyo bar. I hope you all have a blessed one!
One other question. I've completely removed myself from all social media accounts. Anyone who knows me knows that this is a very big deal. I've always been kind of a Facebook and Instagram junkie.
I figured this would only help in my 180 and soul searching and also remove any track for my W to keep tabs on me and my whereabouts. But at the same time, if we are being honest, I wish she could see how much fun I'm having. Anyone else done anything similar?
The idea would be to make the WW leave the house not the you. Some have had in-house separations where the WW was kicked out of the bedroom. It would be harder in-house but in can be managed with GAL activities that get you out of the house.
A question on the child care arrangements. Why does she need to pick them up at 8:00 on Tuesdays and Thursdays? Why don't they just spend the night? You only get 2 overnights every 2 weeks as I understand what you said. That doesn't seem fair, especially since you didn't cause this situation. I mentioned before that moving out could be argued as abandonment if things get ugly as one person on here had to deal with. I think you need a little legal advice about child care arrangements when you're separated that won't cause you a problem and that are fair.
the schedule is Tuesday and Thursday every week until 8, except every other week they stay overnight with me Thursday, Friday, and Saturday. When we looked at the days on paper when we were through arranging it, it gave us both exactly the same about of days with the boys. The kicker here is that my W is a nurse, and her schedule often requires her to work sometimes 3 full weekends a month, so outside of the "set in stone" arrangement, I often times have gotten the boys a full additional weekend on top of what we originally arranged.
She picks them up on those Tues and Thursdays because we now live in separate counties. When I was living in the house I used to drive an hour to work because she wanted to live near her mom (about 2 miles). Now I can no longer afford to do that with my bills and live in the county we both work in. Hope that makes sense.
Hi Chris.
It sounds like you are coming along really well. It's a tough road to travel.
Although I wasn't addicted to fb and social media in general. I was addicted to video games. The first thing I did when the bomb dropped was delete all ways to sit on the computer where I wasted so much time. There was a brief denial phase and after it lifted I became much happier because that time was spent doing stuff around the house and playing with my children. Now I look back at the time I spent on the computer ( literally hours a night) and shake my head. It s so much more fulfilling using that time for yourself in a positive way. Facebook I am still on. I use it to post positive things about myself which is a 180 for me as it was a way for me to see what everyone was up to before. Now I put up pics of the kids and I having a good time and good things in my life. However part of me detaching is keeping W on fb and not getting affected by what she posts ( when she posts it so I can see).
Stay strong. Work on yourself and what makes you happy. I had to fake it at the beginning and still do to a point. It became more real everyday and really quick for me which I am grateful for. I think it was Mona52 that told me fake it till you make it. Become the man any woman would be a fool to leave
Chris,
I use Twitter quite a bit - don't see much harm in that - keep up with events and the NFL using it.
My FB profile went dark 3 days ago - just said I'd be off of FB, and to call my cell phone if anyone needed anything. No mention of what's going on. No need to. It has been tough to not check - had to go on to get a name of someone yesterday, and saw my wife changed her profile pic, saying she's the happiest she's been in years... puke. That set me back a few hours last night, so my recommendation is to go through the withdrawls of it, and keep finding things to do besides stare at the screen.
I do spend a lot more time on divorcebusting, but I consider that helpful and inspiring. I listen to music, read my books now, and have been getting financials organized if/when my W files.
Tyler, computer games were part of my addiction. They're gone now. Clash of clans was fun, kindom of camelot was great for a few years, but now I regret all the time I spent away from the W and kids. It was a coping mechanism for deeper problems I had - the pornoraphy and my love of self. Working on both right now means I don't have a need for the games anymore. I still do a quick mind game on my phone, kind of like sudoku, keeps my mind sharp.
Hey Sandi I took your advice. I do realize that I have a problem with conflict and fighting fairly. Growing up fighting was a pretty frequent even at my house and my mother is just the type to say things as mean as possible to just get a response. This is something I no doubt need to work on with myself. I have scheduled an appointment to speak with someone about that issue that my wife and I used to go to MC for a brief time in the past and knows our history.
I need to address the way I am in this area, if not for my marriage, but for how I deal with anger as a person. I appreciate the suggestion. With being so caught up in this situation I lost sight of the "not so fun things" that I should also be doing to better myself. I cannot control whether or not my wife has a change of heart and wants to work together again, but I can make sure that no matter what I handle that issue.
I made a mistake tonight.. I made contact. I had a frustrating day at work, Someone texted me and a snapshot of one of the W's status updates that talked about how "taking even a small step in the right direction was a good thing" and it was "liked" by the OM's sister. I texted her telling her how I was glad to hear she was handling things so well.... ugh.. stupid stupid man!
I have since told that contact I no longer wish to have updates on her condition, that I am trying to focus on my own life and take time for me. They agreed to not do it anymore. She replied with "well since you seem over the past 3 days to not even care, that shouldn't be too hard"... All I said in return was that I "refused to talk ugly with her" and ended the conversation.
I'm sorry gang.. I dropped the ball. But at least there wasn't any conflict. Where we would usually fight I just told her I wouldn't do it again...
Don't beat yourself up. Now GAL away, it helps improve your mood and outlook quite a bit.
What are you doing over the weekend?
One thing that I am learning about myself in this sitch is that I particularly struggle with mornings when I'm not in the same house with her. As the day progresses and it gets closer to the time for me to get off work and have some free time to distract me I get better.
Try something different. Play some music that gets your blood pumping. Listen to a Christian radio station. Do a morning workout. Just something to change the morning routine and to give yourself a little pep talk.
Weekend was really great. I had a buddy come in town and we went and saw another friend in a play at a small local venue in town with a group of about 20! Then went out for dinner and drinks. It was fun to get out.
Still kind of awkward when the whole group was mainly couples. But, overall, just a lot of fun. I spent the greater part of Sunday at church in the morning and then got caught of on laundry and stuff at my apartment.
I should probably be honest that I had a friend the W works with over the weekend and tell me not to listen to the W when she tells me they are "just friends." I hardly know this person but they had heard through different people about what she was doing to me and had done to me as far as this separation goes and how I've handled it with integrity and felt like I should know.
I thanked her for looking out but I wasn't really interested in updates on her. (Even though, being honest, I am. ha!)
I guess some how the W found out that someone told me and has tried to call the past 2 days. I've done well to ignore it, but when she blows my phone up for an hour and a half nonstop (thats 36 missed calls to be exact), picked up this morning the third time.
She was concerned that I knew they were more than friends (which I already basically knew). I told her it was no big deal, and that I didn't have time to talk about it because I was working and I didn't see the need in discussing it. We were separated, it didn't change anything, and I wouldn't allow it to make me react and alter my emotions. She was shocked and said "I don't really like you making the rules like this." I was blown away. Kind of chuckled, told her I hope she had a nice day, and ended the conversation.
The odd part is, I'm finding that I'm much happier right now without her around. The poison in her life was always wiping off on me. I've finally felt comfortable putting her out of the front of my mind and socializing with people. It feels good to have a little bit of a social life again. Thanks group!
Yes, she wants you to feel miserable that she left. OF course she doesn't like it when you're not. Plan B is dissolving.
GAL'ing does make your view of the world better. Keep it up.
Way to let it roll off your back!
You are doing a great job, man!
Thanks Mowgli,
The struggle is real, and I know this upcoming weekend will be difficult since it is the first one that I'll have the kids from Thursday night until Sunday evening. She will have loads of free time to hang out with the OM and I'm going to do my best to stay busy with the kids to not think about it and just focus on making them happy, Maybe even a day trip out of town for a day or two with my buddy and his family to "buy me a couple days." Hey, fake it until you make it right?
At least it will give the appearance that I'm living it up with my kids for the time being. Whatever works right?
Chris,
Keep on keep'in on.
You're going to have to keep working on yourself during this time. The marriage flame still burns, but it's in a back corner of the room right now. You're correct that when doing GAL'ing/DB'ing, you will feel yourself getting happier without W around - you are working to fix your side of the street. And it feels great! Anything you wish you could do - something easy, something that your W might have not been interested in, but you did want to do?
Of course she thinks you're making the rules - she's realizing her perfect plan A/plan B is now gone. She'll get angry, and stay angry for a while.
My wife still went ahead and filed the D, but held back on serving me. Others on this board aren't as lucky. But the dissolving plan B got her attention, as well as me ok with the marriage burning down - I kept repeating that I'd be fine with it, but that I was just really upset about how the kids were going to be.
It wasn't about me anymore -it's not about you anymore, Chris. You're right as rain.
Yes, some faking is ok. Be authentic when she isn't around - own your emotions. Digging a hole and putting your emotions in the hole, with concrete on top isn't healthy.
My hurt is still on a shelf. It will come out, but Lord willing, when we're both strong enough to deal with it, in front of a counselor.
Chris, could you do us a favor and put your info in your signature? Always good to have a little background on your sitch - I'm here every day, and keep up with many people, so I don't want to get anyone mixed up.
Hello Chris,
I'm so sorry for the situation you are in.
Is this friend that W works with someone your W knows well? It sounds like you handled the situation beautifully. Keep focusing on being the best Chris and Dad that only a fool would leave.
I'm sure you are looking forward to the weekend with your kids. Have fun!
Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004
This friend is someone that works closely with my wife, but isn't someone I would consider close to her. My W's sitch is comprised of a small circle of 2 other "close" friends. One of which is the OM and the other is a woman who also had an affair when she was still married.
I used to hear stories about this other woman's situation, and it slowly became eerily similar to the exact path my W's situation with the OM is developing. As if shes coaching her up.
My W's attention seeking habits have caused her to talk badly about me to her friends and they've never really liked me. My W is the type of person do "gain allies" at all costs. Even if that means to over-exaggerate situations to make her a victim.
I would not be at all shocked to come to find out the her "close" girlfriend was coaching her out of her marriage the same way she did her own. This close friend is still with the OM that she left her husband for as well.
Yes, beware of friends that have extra-marital A's. They almost always try to bring their friends into the same lifestyle. First, by showing how exciting, fulfilling and happy the A life brings. Then by pushing a wedge into your marriage and provide a sounding board to amplify even the smallest of disagreements. Followed by coaching how to hide an A. My W's "friend" went as far as setting up the first meeting between the OM and my W and planning double dates.
Beware of the "friend" who has had A's.
I found out from my wife's call last night that their relationship has progressed beyond a flirtatious work cat and mouse into something of which she has admitted "strong feelings" for in the OM.
I feel like I am out of options.. I am a spiritual person and have prayed countless days about this over the past month and a half and I just feel like God has told me to not give up and that it wasn't over. Maybe it is and maybe it isn't, but I felt lead to ask her to just "Stop everything and agree to come to talk to someone with me." to which she told me "I will consider it."
She also made it clear though that she would not be cancelling her consultation appointment on Monday with a lawyer even IF she decided to go. I told her that I agreed that she shouldn't.
This is the only thing I know left to do other than toss my hands up and let the chips fall where they may.
"Stop everything and agree to come to talk to someone with me."
Just out of curiosity, what do you hope she will say at this meeting? What is your goal by having this talk?
other than toss my hands up and let the chips fall where they may.
And what is wrong with doing that?
I guess honestly, Nothing and nothing.
My hope is that someone with neutrality can bring us together to sort out and discuss our feelings. I feel desperate and panicky.. Like the non contact is only driving a wedge deeper between us and causing resentment in her, only drawing her closer to another man filling her head with whatever he can spew to make her feel better.
I feel like I'm just losing her.
Maybe it is and maybe it isn't, but I felt lead to ask her to just "Stop everything and agree to come to talk to someone with me." to which she told me "I will consider it."
As a Christian, it is often difficult to be able to separate what we feel "led" from our own emotions/desires. As a former WW, I can tell you that what you are wanting to tell her is pursit, and it doesn't work, Chris. Having faith in God is when you totally throw your hands up in the air and let go of the rope you are pulling. God doesn't need your help, in order to work in her life. (I don't mean that to sound like I'm being a smart a$$). I am trying to pass forward what it took many years to learn myself. I was always trying to assist God, or tell Him what needed to be done.
It is not easy to remove ourselves from the situation, drama, or personal life of someone very important to us. However, it can be done.
It usually gets much worse for a WW before she makes the right decision. The more people in her "group" that encourages the A, the more difficult it may be for her to ignore their influence. Here's the painful truth, Chris, you cannot control that part of her life. You have to step away from her and put her in God's hands. He may have to take her to the divine woodshed before it's all over........but He will get her attention, if she is a Believer.
Most every WW that I recall has had to experience the reality of their bad decisions, before they would even try agree to think about working on the M. She is living in a fantasy, but if you don't enable her to continue this lifestyle, and if you will move forward instead of clinging to her emotionally......she could turn around. It takes a loooooong time. I mean LONG, b/c she is wayward. She has resentment, disrespect, and rebellion in her heart. Selfishness motivates everything she does. You can go on about your life, and whenever she sees OM for what he really is........and when her fantasy starts to crumble, she will probably find you. She has a process she must go through. Just get out of the way, and build a life without her, b/c this is not going to workout quickly. The faster you emotionally drop her, the faster she will start experiencing reality.
thank you sandi.. and I know you are right. I pray to God daily that he will wake her up before it is too late and she is hurt, but I know that may not be God's plan in her life. It's just such a hard pill to swallow.
Chris, keep in mind also that you cannot trust what she says. Meaning, that even if she revealed something to you in conversation, all that you know is that she revealed that to you in conversation. You don't know that it is the truth, or current information, or all of the information.
Also, you don't know that the NC or LRT had anything to do with her actions. By definition, they had NOTHING to do with her in fact. She is choosing what she is choosing.
It [censored], I know. But it sounds like you've been doing good GAL, so just keep it up brother.
As a Christian, it is often difficult to be able to separate what we feel "led" from our own emotions/desires. As a former WW, I can tell you that what you are wanting to tell her is pursit, and it doesn't work, Chris. Having faith in God is when you totally throw your hands up in the air and let go of the rope you are pulling. God doesn't need your help, in order to work in her life. (I don't mean that to sound like I'm being a smart a$$). I am trying to pass forward what it took many years to learn myself. I was always trying to assist God, or tell Him what needed to be done.
It is not easy to remove ourselves from the situation, drama, or personal life of someone very important to us. However, it can be done.
It usually gets much worse for a WW before she makes the right decision. The more people in her "group" that encourages the A, the more difficult it may be for her to ignore their influence. Here's the painful truth, Chris, you cannot control that part of her life. You have to step away from her and put her in God's hands. He may have to take her to the divine woodshed before it's all over........but He will get her attention, if she is a Believer.
Most every WW that I recall has had to experience the reality of their bad decisions, before they would even try agree to think about working on the M. She is living in a fantasy, but if you don't enable her to continue this lifestyle, and if you will move forward instead of clinging to her emotionally......she could turn around. It takes a loooooong time. I mean LONG, b/c she is wayward. She has resentment, disrespect, and rebellion in her heart. Selfishness motivates everything she does. You can go on about your life, and whenever she sees OM for what he really is........and when her fantasy starts to crumble, she will probably find you. She has a process she must go through. Just get out of the way, and build a life without her, b/c this is not going to workout quickly. The faster you emotionally drop her, the faster she will start experiencing reality.
This is pure gold right here. Please don't gloss over the enabling part. That is HUGE.
I pray to God daily that he will wake her up before it is too late and she is hurt, but I know that may not be God's plan in her life.
You also have to take into account that your WW has free will. She isn't going to let go of that disrespect, resentment, and rebellion easily.
I had another poster tell me that my posts were not what he wanted to hear. I realize my talent may not be edification. I do, however, try to get the information to you as best that I can. I don't beat around the bush when I know you need to get all that you can get under your belt.
When I was wayward, I reached a point of needing someone to talk with me.....b/c things in my fantasy wasn't going as smoothly as I wanted. I "accidently" found my way here. You see how God can work? It was the folks on the board back then that gave me the information I needed. I made a decision based on the right thing to do. My heart wasn't into it. I had so much resentment toward my H. I had lost respect for him, and of course, I was rebelling. I had a lot of stubbornness and pride. It took two years before I would go to him, brokenhearted and ask for his forgiveness. And that was with me praying and asking God to help me feel remorse for what I had done. It seemed to have taken ages for me to get even get interested in working on the MR. I had a hard struggle with depression, and still have to take medication. It took quite a while before the loving feelings to return to me. As Christians, we learn to walk in faith and the feelings will follow. I knew it, however, it was very hard for me to do.
I shared this with you, not to discourage you, but to try and show you how it takes so much time for a WW to process this stuff. She has her own mess to work through. Stuff that started a long time before the OM came into the picture. Of course, I had been married decades before I had my A, but the foundation had been laid for a long, long time. Once all the circumstances were just right.....or wrong, I was vulnerable for the taking (so to speak).
I
know that God can work miracles. It seems, however, that when He deals with His children
learning a valuable lesson ........and b/c of their disobedience and stubbornness......He allows them to learn the hard way. A miracle would be much too easy, and therefore, it would be too easy for them to slide right back into the mudhole again. So, keep praying for her. Remember, God's timeframe and our timeframe is not the same. Stay focused on Him. (Chris)
Forget what W says about anything. Maybe she does have strong feelings for him, maybe it's just BS to make you pursue her. Don't be drawn into her crazy make-believe nonsense. Focus on you and your kids. Be the best person and dad you can be and you can be proud of what you become no matter what drama happens outside your world.
Maybe it is and maybe it isn't, but I felt lead to ask her to just "Stop everything and agree to come to talk to someone with me." to which she told me "I will consider it."
As a Christian, it is often difficult to be able to separate what we feel "led" from our own emotions/desires. As a former WW, I can tell you that what you are wanting to tell her is pursit, and it doesn't work, Chris. Having faith in God is when you totally throw your hands up in the air and let go of the rope you are pulling. God doesn't need your help, in order to work in her life. (I don't mean that to sound like I'm being a smart a$$). I am trying to pass forward what it took many years to learn myself. I was always trying to assist God, or tell Him what needed to be done.
It is not easy to remove ourselves from the situation, drama, or personal life of someone very important to us. However, it can be done.
It usually gets much worse for a WW before she makes the right decision. The more people in her "group" that encourages the A, the more difficult it may be for her to ignore their influence. Here's the painful truth, Chris, you cannot control that part of her life. You have to step away from her and put her in God's hands. He may have to take her to the divine woodshed before it's all over........but He will get her attention, if she is a Believer.
Most every WW that I recall has had to experience the reality of their bad decisions, before they would even try agree to think about working on the M. She is living in a fantasy, but if you don't enable her to continue this lifestyle, and if you will move forward instead of clinging to her emotionally......she could turn around. It takes a loooooong time. I mean LONG, b/c she is wayward. She has resentment, disrespect, and rebellion in her heart. Selfishness motivates everything she does. You can go on about your life, and whenever she sees OM for what he really is........and when her fantasy starts to crumble, she will probably find you. She has a process she must go through. Just get out of the way, and build a life without her, b/c this is not going to workout quickly. The faster you emotionally drop her, the faster she will start experiencing reality.
As I read through these boards, SANDI continues to just spew TRUTH. This is EXACTLY WHAT HAS JUST HAPPENED TO ME...almost sickening because its so identical to everything that's posted here.
If any man has a WW, I'd advise them to read, reread, and reread all of Sandi2's WW posts and her recent posts as well. There is nothing more valuable.
Trust in God. That means really letting go, work on yourself, GAL, and believe that whatever outcome occurs, it will be for the best. That may mean bringing your wife back because you all are better for each other now (sometimes we need to go through this in order to learn life altering lessons), or it means there will be something brighter and bigger than you could have ever imagined in the future. Believe it.
Trust in God. That means really letting go, work on yourself, GAL, and believe that whatever outcome occurs, it will be for the best. That may mean bringing your wife back because you all are better for each other now (sometimes we need to go through this in order to learn life altering lessons), or it means there will be something brighter and bigger than you could have ever imagined in the future. Believe it.
I hold on to this.... This is what I pray on everyday. It's a tough pill to swallow as an LBS. Like the rug was pulled out from under you in a life that you considered about average compared to other marriages. How blind we can be when loving someone. God is about the only thing I've learned you can lean on rain or shine. He's shown me things about myself these past 8 weeks that could not have been possible in any other situation than something as extreme as this. I pray that God's plan will align with mine, but know the road may fork from my will.. and that's tough! But it's in his hands.
Chris,
The one thing in my journey with a WW is that God is in charge. And he has a plan for me.
When I detach from my wife, I feel more of Him in my heart. There is still a place for my wife, but I wasn't living life by trying to please her.
It's an awakening. I'm grateful for the wakeup call. I'm also a proud guy that think's he's smarter than the average bear. And that pride is the hardest of all our sins. I've learned about humility in this process, and when I'm really humble, is when Jesus speaks to me in a whisper. I daily pray for humility.
I just read no more mr nice guy... and of course, there are some differences between that book and the Good Book. Being confident, but also being humble? It can be done. I think - I'm trying!
Chris,
I hope you're doing good. This thread has helped me see what the future holds. My W has been having an EA with men and women in online gaming role play. I am not sure what my future holds but I hope to handle myself as well as it seems you have. Meeting with her today for dinner to discuss custody arrangements. How did you decide on the trial separation? Did she want to go the legal route? My W says I am emotionally abusive. I have got to follow your example on texts, I know that must be hard. My heart skips a beat when I get one from her, but only disappointment in the mundane nature of what they normally are. Ironic, my W is having an interview next week. Got my game plan thanks to you sharing, and all the awesome support on this site. Best of luck and give us an update. Love to hear how things are going for you!