For almost 4 weeks I promised myself I would not post on these forums again, because this time, I ended my M.
I was a DB success story. I was here over 10 years ago, and it took me almost three years, but I stayed true to these techniques and restored my M. My H had moved to a different state, and him and OW had a child together. While I sat home, alone, with the 3 small children we had together and went through the most painful experience of my life. I only made it to the other side by the help of the people here.
I started here with the sole purpose of getting my H back. Period. GAL sounded great and all, and I was sure other people benefited from it, but I cant lie, I ONLY did it to restore my M.
A funny thing happened along the way. My GAL activities became habit and to this day I wake up every day and do all in my power to work on me. That is part of my problem...
Almost 4 weeks ago, I told my husband to leave, or I was going to leave him with the kids. He packed up and left. I did not even ask him where he was going.
He had become so secure in the fact that I had proven I would love him forever, no matter what. And it used to be so true. But as I have worked my tush off to make my life better, he did less and less and less to contribute to the family. He had an EA a few years ago, online, and again I forgave and we worked through it.
When he left 4 weeks ago I was again thrown back into the indescribable pain I wallowed in years ago. Like a moth to the flame, I came back here. It helped me so much last time. I have been lurking, but not posting because I really dont know if I want to try again. But I really am feeling too much pain and anger to just lurk anymore, so I decided to post.
I will, of course, start off with the three goals MWD suggests we work towards and go from there.
As of right now, I really dont have any goals for H to do anything for or with me, but I would really love for him to reach out to his children. So...
Goal #1. H calls or texts his children at least once every few days.
Goal #2. H helps me by driving at least ONE kid to some activity at least once a week.
Goal #3. I dont really have a third goal atm, I just would like to work on those 2.
As for my personal goals, the list is too long to have here in my first post
Welcome to the board
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH. Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...224#Post2578224Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
I'm sorry, Mona. It sounds like you've really been through a rough time. But, honestly? I am so impressed with you! You really did your best. No-one can say you didn't give it your best shot. Wow!
Thanks Judy, I appreciate you stopping by!
I have been stressing the last few days over what 'might' happen tomorrow. My S (11) has been hit hardest by this. My D(16) and D(15) do not seem to be affected in the slightest. I can understand that, when he was here he spent every waking moment playing video games online. He had a headset on his head and would talk for hours with his 'guild'. If they asked him a question he would get mad or send them to me. They would stand right next to him and call me while I was at work to help them find something because he would not leave his game.
They would only talk through me. If we were all in the same room, they would still find a way to communicate only through me. For example, my H would ask me what my D was doing on Saturday, even though she was right there. It wasnt done in a mean way, they just could not communicate with each other.
But my S is slightly different. He has thicker skin and huge rose colored glasses. So he did not mind my H behavior.
So I am stressed out about tomorrow. I just want my S to be OK at the end of the day tomorrow. There is a Father/Son baseball game (watching, not playing). My H said he would go (if I paid...) I bought the tickets and I tried not to tell my S about it. That way if H did not show up, my S would never know. The school told him about it and gave him the tickets. So my S knows. I believe there is less than a 10% chance my H will actually show up tomorrow.
Do I take my S to the Father/Son outing? Will he be embarrassed if his MOM goes?
Hi Mona
Sorry to hear this. I am in the midst of the mess myself and been reading everything i can. Sandi has a few threads about advice for LBS and she does a good section on mending and restoring the R. i dont know if you read it, but i am and hoping i can use the techniques.
Best of luck
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka
that I totally agree with.
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
I am sorry to see you here mona. Especially after hearing you had success earlier and your H didn't commit to change.
As far as the baseball game goes, growing up in a divorced home myself, I would say if you KNOW your H won't be there then you should go. If I had an event like that as a child and my father couldn't come (thankfully that was rare) I would have rather had my mother there than no one. At least you can be there to show your love and support. This does not mean you should make excuses for your H not being there. Don't bash your husband to your S either, but be there for him.
I don't know what the vets think, but that is my. 02 coming from a divorced family as a kid.
I understand how frusturated and sad you feel for your children. It took my children 1 week to even realize their father wasn't living with us anymore. The truth is this is one of those situations where you just have no control. In fact, the more you push for it the more your husband will resist it. Just take comfort knowing that they are lucky to have such a strong, loving mother in their lives. (Some kids don't even get that).
Your husband has to miss them and become a better father on his own terms. I noticed that after a couple of weeks of me not saying anything my husband started initiating more visits with them (but this might just be because of legal advise and not wanting to pay child support).
Yes, arrange it so you could go to baseball game with son this way if your husband is not there he will have someone. Or perhaps there is a male figure in his life that he adores (grandfather, uncle) that would be able to make it? Don't call and pressure husband though. It will just push him away. Sad and wrong I know but maybe look at the situation with empathy for your husband. How sad for him that he is missing out on the children's lives, that he just does not know any better, that one day he will have to look back on his life with regret
Hi Mona,
I just wanted to offer you some words of encouragement - from the heart.
I think if you compare yourself to the Mona that was 10 years ago, you will see a huge difference. You worked very hard to get to where you are now. You are a better, stronger, and more independent individual. You have a wealth of experience/wisdom and, most importantly, you respect yourself. 10 years ago, your H left *YOU*. This time *YOU* told your H to leave. That took a lot of courage and faith. From your post, it looks like you did this because H was disrespectful. I do not think this is unreasonable. You are a unique individual with a beautiful soul who deserves better. And, like JudyL said, you tried your best for a very long time.
Goal #1. H calls or texts his children at least once every few days.
Goal #2. H helps me by driving at least ONE kid to some activity at least once a week.
The goals you posted are not really your goals. They are goals/boundaries for your H, and you probably have no way to enforce them. The best thing you can do is love your children with the love of 2 parents. Perhaps you need to find your center again and come up with new goals for YOU.
Lastly, I too have an S11. It is a volatile time for him. I find that since I identified his primary love language, things are better. You have probably been covering up and apologizing for your H for years. Although it has become habit, it is not your job to fix H or fix his relationship with S11. IMHO, your job, as I see it, is to love your S11 with as much love as you can muster and help him understand the NORMAL feelings he is experiencing in response to your Hs actions.
Perhaps you can ask S11 what his preference would be in the event that H does not show up for Ball game. It may be a good way to start the conversation and begin a new chapter in your R with S11.
Good luck. I am sorry that you are going through this.
RAI
Hi Mona, I am sorry that you are back here, but also glad as I think you can help a lot of us with your experience.
I am curious about what you said about the fact that you proved to him that you would work on the marriage and love him no matter what, and that made him take advantage of the situation and get lazy. At what point did you notice that? I am only 7 months in and I can see that happening already, but I am probably too early in to come to that conclusion yet. My H is also a very non-involved father.
What is your H's relationship with the child he had with the OW? And where is she and that child now?
I am sorry for your pain, you sound like a very strong woman and I hope you get the support you need (again) here.
Thanks Sorgan, otw, Julie, RAI and photoka
I took the last 2 weeks and tried to straighten out the tangled mess of my mind. But I am sure I only succeeded in confusing myself even more.
When I posted on here, and read some of the replies, I kinda panicked. Last time was so hard. And trust me, I heard you loud and clear when you said that this time is not like last time. Logically, i know this. But it feels the same, and he is doing some of the same things. And I just dont know if I want to fight the good fight again. When actual, real people started replying, i felt like the decision was being made for me, because you guys are supporting me, so I have to move forward...
So I ran and grabbed the book "He's just not into you". When I put that book down, I was SURE, 100% SURE that I wanted a D. That book PROVED he just does not love me.
But I cant just read one book and make a huge decision. I took the plunge and read DB and DR again, and I was 100% sure I wanted to save the M.
While I was doing all of this, I was completely dark with H. No contact. He showed up that Friday to take S to the game, and he has not called, texted or spoke to the kids since then, until yesterday. So it was very easy to go dark.
There were times when I missed him so much and the pain was so strong I have no idea how I stopped myself from texting him. I knew I could come here and get support if I really had to, but I needed to figure out things on my own, so I just embraced the pain and tried to just go through it. I know I wont make it to the other side if I do not feel it.
The pain was very helpful in clearing the fantasy world I lived in when I last was here. The last time, all I remembered was the GOOD side of that man. By the time he came home, I had completely forgotten about the bad things. So when he left his socks on the floor, or did not happily change a diaper, I was sort of shocked. The fantasy H I was trying to win back was perfect...
That fantasy H shows up in my mind OFTEN now. But the pain helps me remember, he is only human and as full of flaws as anyone. And those flaws are causing me horrible pain now. So do I really want to try with him again?
Honestly, I have no idea. I both want a D and I do not want a D. But we have children together, so he will always be around, so I am going to dip my toe in the DB pool and work on goals that will get me closer to co-parenting with him without fighting.
I am not ready to commit to anything more than that at this point.
So I am going to stick to my goals of having him contact the children every few days. I know this is not goals for me, but to be able to co-parent with no fighting, I need him to be a parent.
I took steps towards this yesterday. And I guarantee you will all cringe when you hear HOW i did it, but I am not sorry. Yesterday morning I sent him a text message asking if we could have a civil conversation. He said yes, but he was busy. I told him to call me when he wanted to.
He called within 20 minutes. As nice as i could, I let him have it with both barrels. I told him that it is not the kid's fault that we are going through this. The kids miss him and he has not contacted them in 2 weeks. He said he does not have a house (he moved in with my mother, because he has no where to go), so he cannot see the kids. As nice as i could... I explained he does not need a house to text his children. I paid for his cell phone bill, he can call them without having to talk to me at all.
He tried to say THEY needed to call him. I told him he was the adult, and he needed to be the one.
He tried to set it up, so that they contact him through me. I was supposed tell the kids when to call him, and let him know when they were available. He asked me to tell him what I want him to do.
I know that sounds reasonable, but it is a trap, and I want no part of that. I told him I did not want to have to call him every day and beg for him to do things for the kids. I told him he would have to call them, talk to them and ask them what they need. I told him if I had to keep asking him to do things we were going to fight forever. Because I would ask him for something, and if he did not do it, I would be mad and it would be a continual circle of fighting.
I also told him that if he could just talk to the kids, there is no reason he has to talk to me at all. So we would both be happier.
So he is going to pick S up from soccer tonight. I joined a D support group and I cant get my S. And he asked the kids to go to the movies with him on Saturday. Well, kinda... He asked the oldest to ask the other 2 if they wanted to go. He still has not actually talked to the other 2.
I have a few plans for tonight for them, but this post is already long enough. I believe it is time for me to post my own personal goals and what I am doing for just me.
Non-M related, personal, make-Mona-better goals...
Like I said before, last time, when I learned how to GAL, I really took that to heart, and since then I have not stopped.
In the last few years, I finished my BS in Computer Science and doubled my income going from a part-time clerical job to a full time IT job. Once I was able to get a little bit of experience, I was able to double my income again by landing a database analyst position at a local university.
Professionally, I hit the jackpot. My job is perfect for me. I come to work everyday and get to play with code and servers and speak to people who understand highly technical conversations. They encourage me to spread my wings and learn new things, some that have absolutely nothing to do with databases. As long as I am always learning, they are happy and I am ecstatic.
Professionally, everyday I try and do something I have never done before. I constantly look at what I do every day and try to make it faster or easier. It is great, because I try to take that mindset into other parts of my life.
After I got my degree and became comfortable in my career at the university, I knew I could not just stop there, so I am back in school full-time (nights, after I get out of work and the kids are asleep). I am finishing my Master's of Science in Computer Security.
I only have 4 classes to go, and this is where, personally, I am falling sort of hitting my goals at the moment. I am in 3 highly technical classes and no matter how hard I try, I cannot focus. I am about 2 weeks behind on my classes right now.
Last month, I got my Certified Ethical Hacker certification, and one of my classes will build on that and I will get certified in forensic investigation. The certs kinda go hand-in-hand, so I need to figure out a way to snap out of it and dig in and get this done. So far I have been unsuccessful in figuring it out.
I am kinda good at finding and clearing malware and other nasties on a computer, so another personal goal I have is to start a business helping local business owners keep their data safe. I created a business plan and entered the plan in a state-wide competition and I came in in the top 6. So I am sure my plan is good. But I am failing miserably at this goal. I have tried a ton of mailings, a radio add and promotional materials for local business owners. But they do not really know the difference between a virus and malware, so I have no idea how to explain what I can do for them so that they understand how much they need it. This personal goal in critical because I do not earn enough money to pay all of the bills and my H is not giving me anything, zero, nada. I took him to domestic relations, but he quit his job before we went. He started a new job a few days after the domestic relations hearing, and they tried to give me what he should pay from what they assume he might make at the new job. It is pennies and it will be another month or more before I start getting any of it. I cant tell my landlord, or the electric company I will pay them when my H pays me...
I hired a marketing person, and did exactly what she told me to do, but I still have zero customers. I tried to hire some professional appointment setters. They gave me my money back and told me they do not know how to get appointments...
I also turned a hobby into an additional source of income in the last few months, but it will take a year for any of the money to come in. I offered my services to a publisher to be a technical reviewer. At first I did not get paid for this, but they did publish my name in the books I reviewed. But now I have moved on to getting paid to review the code in books as they are written. I will not get any actual money until the book is published, and that takes a while. And they only let me have one or 2 books at a time, so it is not a lot of money, but I get thrilled when I see my name in a book
Last week I quit smoking. I had been a smoker for about 30 years. I quit in January of this year, but about 2 months ago, I had just "one" every now and then to make it through the stress. This quickly turned in to a full fledged, pack a day habit again. Today is day 6 where I have not touched a cigg and it stinks! But this pain makes me forget other pain, and sometimes makes the other pain worse, but I can handle it.
I have also lost 6 pounds in the last 3 weeks. This is much easier then I hoped, because I am rarely hungry anymore. I have been trying for over a year to take 40 pounds off. Now I only have 36 to go. Yes, I know it is unhealthy not to eat. If I could just remove the lump that is always in my throat, maybe I could swallow food. I do make it a point to eat as healthy as I possibly can since I am only eating a small amount each day. And I am drinking lots of water so I wont get sick.
These are about half of my non-M goals. It feels good to list them. I have been feeling my whole universe was revolving around one person. But this shows clearly that that is really not true.
Now I need to quickly pop back to my h and my plans for tonight. As my poor mother gets older, reality slips father away from her sometimes. In the kitchen, she has lost reality completely. She has a kitchen full of kinda stale, older food. I think she will only buy a can of food if it has been marked down because it has a dent (or more). Bread is just shy of having actual mold. I throw stuff out when she is not looking every time I go over there, but she gets mad. "That's still good!" My H moved in there on Aug 21st. So, tonight I am going to have a nice lasagna and a fresh loaf of Italian bread waiting in the oven for when he brings my S home. I will have my S invite him to eat with him and my D. My other D I will pick up when she gets off work and drop her off at my house, but I will not go in. That way my H can relax, eat one of his favorite meals, in his old kitchen, with his children, and I will be out on the town
In my head, everyone wins?
Well done on the stopping the cigs it is hard but this is the time that you can do anything
Take care
Ghost
Posting some mistakes here so i can keep track of where I am heading.
I had pleasant exchanges with H yesterday, after a small fight in the early morn. I sent him a text in the morning asking if he was still going to pick S up from soccer. He got snippy, "Yes, I will get him, we have been over this."
I got snippy back... "Yes, I know we have been over this, but when you get mad at me, you stop talking to all 4 of us and I know you are mad at me from yesterday. I cant just hope you will still pick him up, I need to know."
He responded "I am not mad, I am just frustrated."
I replied, "Well, I am going to ask you the exact same question next week, so how can I ask so you will not be frustrated? Can't you just call me crazy, and tell me (for the hundredth time) that you have him? You can even say those exact words if you want...yes crazy woman, I have the boy!"
It's like he can't remember the thousand times he has promised to pick up the kids and just left them standing... Whatever, I do not feel guilty for asking and I will ask again next week.
I had a nice dinner waiting for him when he brought S home. I was not there, but the kids said they had a nice time with him.
But we sent some other text messages yesterday. Pleasant messages. And those are sometimes horrible to deal with. Because your stupid mind flies right to "OMG it is over, we can get back together now."
Nothing has changed mona! He is still being a jerk and you are worth so much more.
It is that stupid fantasy H my mind conjures out of thin air. The H my real H never really was, because no one is perfect.
So I have been pulling my mind on track all morning and my arms are getting tired. Every time my mind drifts toward his nice text messages yesterday, I grab it and pull it away. It is a work in progress.
So, I dropped out of my D support group last night. It was at a church that was a different religion than me. And they were sending such conflicting messages. D is a sin, no man can pull apart the union, and in the next sentence, you are going through this divorce because there are bigger plans for you so just trust all is the way it should be.
I grew up strict catholic, I went to the same catholic school my mother went to, my kids go to the same school now. If you are catholic, you have an idea of the guilt you feel even saying the word divorce. Dont get me wrong, I do not feel I am doing anything wrong right now. But that doesnt stop the guilt. Guilt is just as normal to a catholic as breathing
So I did not join a support group for more guilt. I was hoping it would be more like the forums here. People supporting each other to make changes for the better. I do not have time to waste in activities that dont move me forward, so I spent those hours in the library studying how to use blogs as a marketing technique.
You guys can be my support group, and I will use that time to try and get my business going
It was a tiny bit hard not to sneak home, because I knew he would be there, but I indulged in a supper mocha, chocolaty, carmelly, sea salt thingy from Starbucks. OMG it was heavenly. I was a few ounces heavier on the scale this morning, but it was worth it. I sat in the library, in the peace and quite and slurped my concoction and tried to figure out how I can use a blog to help me get a few customers. Who could ask for more?
H was the one who did a 180 today.
I have been the sole person to handle the kids for a long time now. If the kids needed something, he would assume I would do it. If they needed something purchased, like school supplies or a birthday present for a friend, anything they needed, it was only up to me to handle it. It did not matter if I had money or not, I had to figure it out. I tried a million times to hand some of the responsibility to him, but he would say "I can't" and he would not do what needed done.
I could not let them suffer, so I always ended up figuring it out. (I know, never use always, but it is true)
This morning D16 had an issue at school. It was an issue I had absolutely no chance of helping with. First I am broke until tomorrow, so I could not give her the money she needed. Second, I am at work. I cannot just drive to the school if she is not sick.
I thought to myself, "What the heck, can't hurt to try..." I texted H 2 hours before he had to be at work. Normally, if it is near the time he has to work, he flat out refuses to do anything. Even though he was constantly late from playing video games.
I asked him to drop money off to her, and while I was waiting for his 'NO', I was mentally going through my friends and family to see who I was going to beg for help from next.
I was right in the middle of texting my mom, and he answered... "I will take care of it."
Wait... What?????
Ok, I still kept my hopes LOW. I was fully expecting him to just go to work and text me later "oh, I'm sorry, I forgot to take money to her. And I cannot now, I am at work."
However, I called the school, just in case and told them he might be stopping in to drop some money off to D.
He actually dropped off twice as much as needed!
I still have not received any support from him, this is the first time in a long time he reached into his own pocket and gave to the kids. I am in total shock.
He has to feel good about himself lately. 2 months ago, he barely worked 20 hours a week, but spent way more than he earned. So we were falling deeper and deeper into a hole. I was handling the house, the kids, the bills, working FT and everything else I do, and he was playing video games.
Since I booted him out, he got a full time job and from what he says (which could be untrue) he is not only working 40 hours, but he is working as much OT as he can. He is trying to save money to get his own place. I dont care who you are, that has to feel good. And now he was able to actually be there when his D needed his help. And he is taking them to see pitch perfect 2 on saturday.
A part of me gets a tiny bit scared when I see him doing well. I feel he will think he is better off without me now that things are so good for him.
I do not hold on to those feelings, because, first, I am very much better off now then I was while he was here, and second, if that is how he feels, i am happy for him.
I sent him a text message thanking him for helping her. And I made sure, during this whole day, that I stated it like she needed his help. He was helping her. Never once did I say I needed his help, or thanks for helping me.
My goals now are to have him as a better father and co-parent, and I dont want to throw me in the mix.
Gearing up for a busy weekend. S has a soccer game extremely early tomorrow morning. Unfortunately, there is a hurricane moving up the coast. We do not live close enough that we are in any kind of danger, but we will get hit with a ton of rain. And the temp dropped low this last week. Ugh...
Good news is I stepped on the scale this morning and I am still on track with a slow and steady weight loss. Since I ditched the ciggs, I am now able to take longer and longer walks. It is great, because it feels good, and the university I work on, and walk around is beautiful. But the down side is I have nothing to keep my mind occupied during my walks, so my mind stays firmly on my H and my M during every single walk.
Struggling to force my mind elsewhere has failed completely, and made me feel like a failure because I could not do it. So I allow myself to think about what ever I want to, with no regrets. I just promise myself that I will never act on any wild and crazy ideas my mind comes up with on a walk.
He is taking the kids to the movies after the soccer game. I have no idea if he will show up at the game, but I am guessing he will not be there. (I have a sexy outfit that really shows my weight loss just in case of course).
I want to try to upgrade a server in a way I have never attempted before, so I am going to work a little overtime while they are out. I am really excited.
If he asks me to tag along to the movies with them I can honestly say I already have plans
I have not actually seen him in a while. Just phone calls and text messages. And I would like to keep it that way for now.
He did something extremely thoughtful yesterday, that almost made me cry. Actually, he did it about a week and a half ago, and I only found out he did it for me yesterday. It is weird because a week and a half ago, he was not even speaking to me.
When he does nice things, it sends me in a tailspin. It is easy to be mad and keep my distance when he is being a jerk. But when he is being nice, the walls begin to crumble. I got about an hour of sleep last night. I replayed everything he did that drove me to the point of making him leave. His one nice gesture is nothing compared to all the hurt and rejection I went through, so this morning I was able to break free from my tailspin.
I have been falling behind on my school these past few weeks. I am not beating myself up over it, but I have to get back on track. So I signed up for extra classwork this weekend. So as soon as I am done with my upgrade, I am going to dive in head first and work flat out all day Saturday and Sunday. I am going to do it here on campus, and not at home so I cannot become distracted by R drama.
There is a TV show D15 used to watch with H. They have not seen it for a while, and a few episodes have piled up. I have plans to give them tomorrow after the movie to squeeze in a binge marathon, and I will stay away while they do this. I have gifts I will give my D to give to him to make the time even more special.
The only TV we have is in our bedroom, so he will have to join her there to watch it. There are a few dads on the show that talk about how much their family means to them (it is sort of a reality competition show). The dads say how they could not do what they are doing without the support of their wife and kids.
It is not a lot of dads saying this, just a few sprinkled in here and there, and I am sure this will hit him.
My name was published in a book this past week, and my quote about the book is on the back cover. I just got a copy yesterday and was super excited. No one but you guys know. I have a very hard time telling people close to me about my accomplishments. I feel like I am bragging. When I got my BS in computer science, I never even went to graduation. My H was the one who told my M and I have no idea if the rest of the family knows I earned a degree and I am almost done with my master's.
It does not really feel like bragging here because we are all supposed to GAL and accomplish the impossible. And I am super glad I can say some of my accomplishments here, because the only person in the world I used to share things with is H and I cant tell him anything anymore.
Mona52, wow, is all I can say right now, wow!
You've really taken DB'ing to it limits and back and you are constantly moving to improve you, did I say wow?
You mentioned earlier on that you were DB'ing originally ( the GAL element) purely to get your H back but have taken things to heights I've not see so far on this BB. Congratulations, no one can take any of what you've achieved away from you and even if they did then you'd know how to get back to where you are, so it wouldn't be an issue.
What surprised me was you saying that you saw DBing as a way to get your H back when really it's not, it's there to help you become and even better you and if you end up in a new R with your H that's a bonus.
So I guess, what I am saying is why are you DB'ing again when your goals aren't in any way DB oriented (and you've admitted that) plus you have decided, seemingly, that your H has qualified himself not to be part of your life?
I was tempted not to ask the last question so you'd stick around longer and continue to encourage us, but that would be selfish, which would be wrong.
You mentioned you were trying to get your sw security product off the ground and had considered a number of routes without success. As a techy sales guy I was wondering if you had considered whether you are aiming too low? If your product is good and something many would want, why try to create your own market when you could license the product to a well established brand and let them do the sales and marketing while you focussing on bug fixes and improvements? 1% of millions of units is better than 100% of not much. Just a thought.
Hi Mona, you have quite the backstory. There are a few coincidences to our stories. I will share them with you tomorrow. I am sick and want to get to bed early. Please know we are here to support you. Good night
Hi Mona! Just catching up on your thread. I'm curious...does your H know why you asked him to leave? Was communication a problem in your M? I found reading about his method of communicating with the children to be quite odd. Did he ever try to shoulder some of the load, or was he content to have you do it all?
You are such a strong independent woman that I'm wondering if he felt superfluous. Could that be a reason he retreated into himself? Did you guys ever try marital counseling?
I know...I'm full of questions. It just seems like you're not 100% sure about your choice. He sounds like he is capable of good things, so I'm curious about why he chose not to do them.
You are absolutely amazing! Great job on your personal success.
Hi Ancaire, Thanks for stopping by.
I really wish my old threads were still on this forum, it would clear up my confusing sit
Long story short, when I first met my H, I was one of 3 women, in a department of 266 employees. It was work on a printing press and I was 20. I did not realize I was taking a job very few women did, but I did the job well and rose to assistant pressman quickly. So at the time, I was very strong and independent. I was also fun and carefree, and surrounded by men all day! (Gosh I miss it sometimes...)
Then we married and the kids came and I quit and stayed home with the kids. So I had no job, and he left me and moved to a different state with OW. They had a child.
I found this site the first night he left, and it was so hard, but I DB'ed for almost 3 years and he came back. That was about 8 years ago. Since then, there was a fire and the Divorce Buster's servers were fried and all my treads went up in smoke
In 2012, I knew we were on the rocks again, because I found inappropriate text messages and pictures to his online friends. I came back here, but did not really post. That is why it says I registered in 2012
During the journey, I grew tremendously. Seriously, I can't imagine a time in my life where I will not be GAL and trying new things. But over the last few years, the more I moved forward,the further back he slid. I spend an hour with the kids, he spends 2 hours less with the kids. I earn $100 bux extra this week, he earns 200 bux less and spends $100.
It seemed no matter how hard I worked, he worked that much less so we never moved forward as a family. I work at a university, so he could go to college free for a BS if he wanted to. He kept saying he wanted to because his job was not giving him enough hours, and it was murder on his body and he was getting older. Year after year went by and he kept saying he was gonna try and did nothing.
Then he received a very large check. He promised me he would take care of some very important bills. He spent every penny, and went negative in our joint bank account. And he never told me he did not pay the bills, and one was to the IRS of course... I would not have cared of he did not pay the bills, that is not what cut me. What gave me the most pain was that he made a promise to me, and never lifted a finger to keep the promise. And it was not even important enough in his eyes to tell me.
He kept making promises, to me and the kids and over and over he would break them. And he knew he was breaking them, and it did not seem to matter.
To answer your question, I have no idea if he knows why I asked him to leave. He probably thinks it is about money...
I know he was happy when I did something good, but I also know, in the back of his mind, it made him feel smaller. And I was clueless on how to change that. So I stopped telling him when I did something good. But it didn't always work.
The kids would ask a question about their math homework, and without using my fingers, I gave them the answer. He did not even understand the question...
I know that made him feel bad. I tried to avoid this happening by helping the kids with homework in my bedroom, while he was in the kitchen, but then he complained that I called him stupid. I have never called him stupid, ever.
I do not know how, but I became the source of his shortcomings. My resentment that he refused to just TRY ANYTHING grew. He would stay up all night wit his online friends, come to bed at 5:30 am, and I got up at 6:00 am to get them ready for school.
I felt like I tried everything to make things better. Finally last November, I had enough. I was done with the M. Since then I have been building walls between me and him and mentally preparing for the day I leave or he leaves.
Finally I asked him to leave. And I am in terrible pain over my decision. I want him back more than I want air most days. But it is really only the marriage fantasy I want. It still hurts like h3ll though.
Had a roller coaster of a morning. The kids and I were out until after 10:00 pm last night, and we had fun. Then we were up at the crack of dawn this morning.
One 180 I am trying out is decorating the house. I like things that are functional, and I feel huge guilt if I buy frivolous things. So my walls are covered with things the kids made, not actual real decorations. But this is MY house now, and I am very much embarrassed as I look around. So I am going to try my hand at interior decorating
. So I bought 2 paintings today. They are not the greatest, but they are pretty. I got home and realized I had no idea how to hang a painting. I know, that sounds so stupid. But we have plaster walls.
I think with drywall you have to find a stupid stud. But that is not true for plaster, right??? Well I have no idea... I was alone in my living room, and i was knocking everywhere trying to figure out where to put in a nail. Finally I just sat and cried.
I wont post here HOW i finally hung the paintings, because I am 100% sure it was wrong (screws, not nails might have been involved....) But the d@mn things are up and they look awesome! So pretty! I covered my sofa with a huge Pittsburgh Steelers blanket, and put some of those dollar air fresheners in there and I feel so good.
But it is bitter sweet, because there is no one to see how pretty it is. No, I did not do it for anyone but me, so no one else really needs to see it.
Then I did something very crazy for me. Being into computers, I have friends and coworkers who I have not ever met in real life. All around the globe. My 'avatar' on all of my profiles have always been some kind of clip art. Never a photo of me, anywhere. I have never felt OK posting my picture.
Today I posted a few pictures of me on facebook! I know they are all having a heart attack, and for some reason I was scared as anything doing this. I do not feel bad about how I look. It is the opposite. I never wanted anyone to know I was not some fat, pimply nerd. They posted back how surprised they were. And how pretty my picts were. I have not had anyone call me pretty since I booted him so it was amazing to hear.
Wow, Mona! You have had a roller coaster of a day!
I admit I know nothing about hanging pictures on plaster walls, but I would have googled it. Your description had me laughing.
Good job on the decorating!
So, you finally got brave and posted a real photo? That's wonderful! The fact that you got great feedback and shock? Even better!
Roller coaster or not, you did good, kiddo!
My poor server upgrade failed at work today. I was so excited but it was not meant to be. I am going to rewrite some scripts and try again on Tuesday. Ugh... It was cool though because I learned a bit
Hy H got off work and was supposed to pick the kids up at 6:30. He came early, grrrrr. I was not supposed to be in the stupid house when he came, but since he was early, I was still mixing my (delicious) mashed potatoes. And this is where I get confused. I had zero desire to see him. I swear I think about him at least once a minute all through out my day. It is a constant nagging thought at the back of my mind.
But when the real H shows up, I just do not want anything to do with him. So I went to my room before my S left him in the house, and there I stayed until they all left. I heard him speaking to the kids, and his voice grated on my nerves. He made my son go change, and logically, he should have made my S change. My S was not ready even though my H told everyone to be ready.
I did not force my kids to get ready. It is way past time for H to feel just how hard it is to get them to get ready. So I completely ignored the fact that they were going and went about my day. So my S was dressed terribly for the movies.
So, I heard my H tell my S to get changed and I was so angry. It was illogical, but I am glad I was way up in my room, so I was angry in solitude And no one saw it.
I did not want H to call up for me or to talk to me, and thank goodness he did not. Then I remembered I left Divorce Remedy laying on the kitchen table because I was reading it while I was cooking and I freaked out a tiny bit. But at least it was not DB. DB is clear in what is inside the book DR could be a 'how-to get a D' book. I really dont think he thinks I want to save the M, so it is fine.
After they left I gathered my stuff and came into work. On the drive in, I was thinking how odd it is that I did not want to see or talk to him. His voice annoyed me, and I felt anger. In my dreams, he would come to me and apologize and he would work with me on fixing this mess. In my dreams he has already figured out how he can help the M and how I can help the M and he has a plan on how we can do it as a team.
That is clearly not the way he operates, and he never has. So where did this fantasy come from? Why do I ache all day for a text from him, that never comes, but not want to see him when he is there? Honest to God, I can't seem to make a decision about what I really want. How am I going to reach my goal if I have no idea what I want my goal to be?
Now I am stuck at work for hours. I told D 15 she could watch that stupid TV show with him tonight and I would be out of the house so they could watch as long as they wanted. I bought them a care package with all kinds of junk food so they would have an enjoyable evening together. All I really want to do is go home and tell him to get out.
I was pretty sure I had zero expectations when it came to him. He never calls or texts and I do not expect him to. But I think I really do have expectations of him, and did not realize it. I expect him to handle things in a specific way, and since he is not acting that way, I am stuck in this fantasy world.
I know the first step to get out of this is to absolutely decide one way or the other. Do I want him back, with all of his flaws, or do I have too much anger and should I just move on. I do not feel a desperate, certain way about either option. That is not true completely. If I ask myself if I want to save my M, my answer is maybe. If I ask myself if I would be upset if I had D papers today to sign, my answer would be no. I would not be completely upset if I had the D papers right now.
I had a great morning connecting with an old friend. It was like putting on a worn comfy sweater. We have not spoke in a long time, and we seemed to pick up right where we left off like no time had passed at all. He called me at the exact right moment too.
Ya know when you first wake up in the morning, there is that few bits of a second where you forget about anything bad, and you forget you are in the middle of a nightmare, then it all floods back. He called me during the flood and I was able to snap right out of it.
He was never fond of my H, but he always kept his feelings to himself. And even today, he did not bash my H like he could have. He just asked what happened and listened while I complained away. Then he switched the subject and made my life feel normal again for a few minutes.
I am so grateful to have a person listen and understand. I spend so much time with the kids I sometimes forget what it is like to have a real conversation with an adult.
He goes out of his way to speak about things he knows I am interested in. Like PC stuff
Now I need to dive back into my schoolwork. I was up late last night studying. My H told my D he could not watch the TV show with her, because he had to work today. That was a lie, but I was able come home earlier than I thought I would, so I settled into my schoolbooks last night and I got a little lost. Time to get lost again.
Hope you all are having a wonderful weekend! We should all plan a no wallowing weekend next weekend.
Hi Mona, just wanted to say hello. Sounds like you had a nice reunion. Friends are so important to one's mental health. I had a quiet weekend. Enjoy your day tomorrow.
Thanks mutatio,
Yep, I had a decent weekend. Last night I spent hours listening to Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire audio book with my D15. We are both huge HP fans so it was lovely. I was crocheting a blanket and she was knitting a scarf.
I failed on a goal I had of clearing out as much clutter from the house as I wanted to. I was able to get rid of some stuff for trash night last night, but my goal was a minimum of 13 trash bags...We did half of that.
I am trying to get rid of everything I can. I would really love to move in a year, and when I move I want to take as little of our current junk with us. So it all has to go.
I might buy a TV for this living room today. Except... If i was unable to hang a stupid painting, how in the world will I attach a TV to my wall? I will have to think on this. I can see how I want my living room to look, but I just do not know HOW to do it.
Yet.
Many appliance stores have a service that provides for installation. ALSO (and this a 180 of mine) most of the big home improvement stores will take the time to explain in detail how to install these things. I did a lot around my house recently and I had NEVER used a power tool other than a drill (and that was merely as a screw driver) before. I did some major repairs and saved myself about 7K. True story.
Thanks OG! There is a lot of things I want changed, fixed and installed, so it is good to hear you were able to climb that mountain, so I have a chance to do it too.
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My interior decorating plans are being sabotaged. I have the most adorable, innocent, lovely, sweet, cute puppy in the world. She follows me from room to room, cries when I leave and refuses to sleep anywhere but in my room. It is actually my D16's dog. I am a cat person. But my D16 PROMISED she would take care of the puppy and did nothing, so I kinda inherited her.
When I walk out the door, this sweet little angel on earth has been tearing up my new plants all over the living room. I think the only reason my paintings are safe is because she cant reach them. The blanket gets pulled from the sofa, and I still have not found a way to keep her out of the trash. This has only started happening this last week.
I can hear you all saying "buy a create!" Yep, it looks like I might have to.
No news to report with H. After 5 days of NC by me, I sent him a text yesterday. I wanted to go out after work and I had no way to get my S to soccer practice. So my H said he would drive him.
But my brilliant son decided to save time by walking to H 's house? So my H could not find him when he got to my house. He searched every room, which is good. Because he had to have seen that I threw out a ton of junk. Anyway, my H actually called me and we spoke. It was weird to hear his voice, and I hung up the phone as fast as I could. His voice still grated on my nerves.
He never checked back to see if S was ever found, but I did not expect him to. I texted him at 11:00pm last night to tell him what happened, but he did not reply and I did not expect him to.
My M seems to be more hopeless every day. I am completely OK with not contacting him for a week or more. I feel real anger towards him, and I have been thinking what life would be like with husband number 2. Will he be blond? Will he know how to use a hammer? Does he have a house on the river?
Thoughts of a new R with a new person fill my spare time more than thoughts of fixing this M. That being said, I still think about and focus on my H way more than what is healthy.
I splurged yesterday and me and my D15 got our hair done. My H, and my 3 kids all get their hair done at a salon, but I have not had my hair done in a salon in 20 years. To be honest, I always got one of the kids to cut it, then I would fix it when they were done. Now my hair is layered and I look 10 years younger!
After the salon, I dropped my D15 off at the bowling alley with her friends, and she was asked out to the homecoming dance by a boy she really likes. He made her this huge poster that said something like, "Don't gutter at the dance, bowl a strike by going with me." and he made some kind of clay design thing on the poster. It was so cute.
While she was bowling I took D16 and S out to eat and we had so much fun, then, when we picked up D15 from the bowling alley, she had just started a new game, so me and the other 2 rented a lane and played ourselves. I laughed so hard!
I know I need to be focusing on some R goals. I know MWD likes 3 small attainable goals, things I can see some progress on in a week or two, things that are action goals, but I am not 100% sure what I want at the moment.
I had goals of him being in some sort of contact with the kids a few times a week. I'm forcing it, but so far it has been happening.
Now I need another goal that will show I am moving in the right direction. I think I want to try a bigger goal. I want to have one phone call, once a week, about the children, AND i want to find a way to not be angry or annoyed when I hear him. That is really 2 different goals, and that is good enough for now.
I thought I was done, but I need to sort out a few more things. Every time I acknowledge my anger, and how annoyed I am, I fall into this pain for the next couple of hours. I get where the anger and annoyance is coming from, but I cannot understand the pain. Why do I want him to contact me? Seriously, I want someone who CANT go a day without talking to me. Not some loser who can go a week like it is nothing. Not someone who can go days without seeing his kids.
What kind of pathetic thing am i that I would want anything to do with him?
Hi mona. I think that when we are rejected in such a way we hurt a lot. I went through a period of hoping she would reachout but she never did. Part of me wanted her to beg for forgiveness. To tell me she had made a huge mistake.That was the anger talking to me. I learned to accept that this how she wanted this to be. So I made peace with myself. I let her go
Thanks Rick,
I know you are right. The pain has its purpose though. If I get too angry, I could lash out. And since I know him better than any human being, I have the ability to hurt him more than any other person. If I am only angry, I may not be able to stop myself from telling him EXACTLY how I feel. But the pain makes me stop. I think I would rather have the anger than the pain, but I do not get to choose.
Lashing out wanting to hurt them serves no purpose. I struggle with the same. If I trully loved them why would I want to inflict pain? Questions I ask of me.
Hi Mona, I hope this post finds you in a moment of contentment. These days have their ups and downs.
Hang in there friend, your doing great. Be well
Thanks Rick! Thanks mutatio!
Tried an experiment with H yesterday to see if I could communicate with him and not get angry with him. I sent him very pleasant text messages about his children. He began by responding nice, and excited about the news I was giving him. But very quickly he turned the subject around to how badly HIS life sucked. Every time we talk, he ignores what is being said and blabs on and on about what he needs and how bad life is for him.
So my anger came with a vengeance. He is living rent free at my mother's, he has zero responsibility for ANYTHING. He is not taking care of his children financially, physically or emotionally. He complains he had to make a 'sacrifice' because he got a full time job.
His biggest complaints now are that he is all alone.
$#@%^*&^... is he freaking kidding me??? He wont even take 2 seconds out of his busy day playing online video games with his cyber friends to text his children, the only people in the world who have been there for him, and he has the nerve to complain that he is all alone? He left me to sleep in a big empty bed night after night for years, and HE is all alone?
He complained because his credit is so bad that they turned him down for an apartment. He can't be serious. His credit is terrible because he never paid his bills! In the past he would just apply in my name. I cant count the number of credit cards he got in my name over the years... He can no longer do that.
Not only that, he picked an apartment that was WAY out of his price range. He says he will not move into the city again, but there is no way he can afford the suburbs. He is in dreamworld.
Every morning I wake up and run around like a chicken with her head cut off trying to get the kids everything they need. He wont help me. In any way. He wont even call them. I am exhausted.
I applied for child support on Aug 16th. It is Oct 7th and I still have not seen any help. I asked for increases on my lines of credit and have maxed them all out.
I cannot live like this anymore. Constant fear and anger. I cannot be with my H. He is too selfish and pathetic. I am completely done with my M. I am walking away feeling I had done everything in the world I could do.
So I am going to stay here and talk to you all and discuss goals for my life and my family, but that is all.
So... the theme this year for homecoming dance is Alice in Wonderland. My D16 is going as the white witch and she has her entire outfit ready. She initially ordered a dress from China, for a dance that is 9 days away. I told her there was no way it would ship in time, so she is upset. We went out last night and bought her a second dress, but she really does not like it.
My D15 was asked by a boy she really likes and she is going to dress up as the mad hatter. She got her dress last night but could not find a top hat anywhere. Luckily, today I found 2 top hats for her. One is huge and velvet, kinda like a gag top hat. The other is a regular black top hat. I can pick them up on the 12th if i remember... for the dance on the 16th.
Sorry, but I have to complain here. These dresses were impossible. I had to take them to 100 stores, and we had to drop off and pick up their friends with each trip. This was while I was getting S11 everything he needed for other things. If H would have just helped the tiniest bit... Run the S11 to the stores he needed to go to.... less than 4 blocks from my mom's house... It would have made a huge difference. I was out until past 11 last night, ending the night shopping for what the dog and cat needed...
Monday I fell into bed late too because I was running around all night. And tonight looks just as bad...S11 gets out of soccer the same time D gets off work. D works 2 blocks away from my mom's house. But I cannot be at 2 places at once. So she will need to sit there until i am done getting S. Third night in a row dinner is after 9:00PM...
Lost some more weight, which is great. I got a new haircut and today it laid perfectly. I have been walking around with an extra bounce because of it. I have had less luck studying my school work or working on getting a few customers. But I have been very busy. I will shoot for next week to make some progress there. I have to be a mom first.
Oops, I mean, i GET to be a mom first.
Fell into bed at midnight last night.I still have not gotten everything done that I needed to, so again I will be running around all night. Housework is falling so far behind. I do not understand how the house can get messy when we are never home, lol.
My anger has not even slightly abated. And I am OK with that.
So, last night, since we got home late, we were finally able to take the dog to the park, but it was dark out, and all of the other dogs had already gone home. So I did something last night I have not done in years. I ran. My poor puppy was all alone, so i ran around after her. I did not cough and wheeze at all!
It would be so weird if I were actually able to jog soon.
I am going to try and have the dishes done by 8:00pm tonight so I have time to catch up on everyone's threads. See you all later!
Just read your thread. You sound so together. I hope one day I'll make it as far as you.
I hope you don't mind, but I do have a questions pertaining to your situation 10 years ago: How did you DB when your husband was in another state? My husband is about to go away for months for work (and we don't currently live together) and I am confused about how that's gonna work.
I'm so sorry to hijack your thread like this. Please ignore if you don't want to talk about it.
Thank you.
Hello Gmum! I don't mind one little bit.
I remember I was intensely worried that since we only had contact maybe a minute or 2 two every couple of months, that BD'ing was useless. He did not care, and did not see if I was GAL or sitting in a ball in the corner every day crying. He basically only saw the babies on a holiday or one of their birthdays.
I was a complete wreck, I am not ashamed to admit it. I lost so much weight so quickly, that I developed gallstones and ended up in surgery to remove them and was in bed for weeks recovering. He still did not come to help with the kids. So I was really DB'ing with him never seeing any of it.
What he did see, was every time he saw the kids, I was there, happy, looking my absolute best and not angry or blaming in the slightest. I would casually mention things, like 'Oh D got a bruise from daycare. I had to put them in daycare because of my new job.'
I would never stress things I was doing or how good this was or that was. I would find a way to mention it as a side note.
Facebook was not big back then, so that was the only contact I ever had with him. (Except a few drunk phone calls we wont discuss;) )
I kept the meetings as short as possible, even though I wanted so badly to linger and stretch it out. At first he was grateful when I pushed him hurriedly out the door. He was ready for a weeping W, while he had OW waiting outside in the car. Instead, I was relaxed and happy and on my way out the door, so please hurry up, thanks... I have to admit, i always, every single time, made OW see me. I always followed the kids outside, to say good bye.
Then, when he felt that I was not going to be stressful to him, he started visiting the kids a little more often. Not a lot, just a little. He would try to make conversation with me, and I was not rude, but I was not chatty Kathy either. I kept my answers short, and happy, but I gave no personal information if I could help it. I always turned the conversation around to him. I know he likes to talk about himself and it made him feel good that I cared to ask about little things.
Then he wanted longer visits, and even though it was so hard, I declined. Each time, I was on my way to something else. I was there for him as a friend, but I was not there for him continually or as long as he wanted.
I will tell you, there were many, many more 2x4's on this forum then. If I did not mind my P's and Q's and if I did not keep the visits super short, the people here would smack the heck out of me. Seriously, total strangers would come to my thread just to tell me how stupid I was to tell H I missed him, lol. And I would get angry at them, but I really loved them for it. I depended completely on the advice here and tried to do exactly what I was told. i knew for a fact it would never work, because he moved so far away. And they had a BABY! But I knew nothing I did worked, so I just followed along. And I was able to stick with it because their advice was transforming my entire life.
I hope that made sense, I know I ramble a lot.
No luck with getting some down time last night. But tonight D15 is sleeping over a friend's house and D16 works until 10ish, so it will be me and the boy
. I spent some money on points for one of his video games 2 days ago, so I may be able to talk him into turning his brain into mush for a couple hours so I can wind down a bit.
Last night I was able to release most of my anger. It really does no good. I am glad I held it like I did, because it helped me over the bridge and away from H, but if I use it any longer it will become destructive. No amount of anger will change H. So, I have 3 kids who all need care and I am spread too thin. It doesn't matter how I feel about it, that is just a fact. I need to turn to solutions that will solve that issue, and stop trying to think of H as the only solution, and then get mad when it does not work like I want it.
So I called my mom yesterday. We have a very strange relationship. She is my mother, and I love her to death, but I cannot be around her. She is like poison. My 2 sisters are total criminals. In and out of jail. They have kids that are total criminals. And if I am going to be honest, my mom had never been arrested, but she is also a total criminal.
I feel stealing is wrong, they rationalize how it is OK to steal, because the insurance company will replace the item or that person has too much stuff, etc... My mother enables my sister's activity and I can't be around that craziness. But the facts are, I have 3 kids and I need help. They love their grandma, and I completely trust my children. I know they can choose right from wrong. So I called my mom last night and told her about up coming events I need help with.
So, for the next 2 months, I have the major activities covered, and I feel so much better this morning. That is why I was able to release some of the anger. Now I just feel pity for H. But I dont waste too much time thinking about that.
I made some exciting plans with D15 last night and that is taking most of my mind, and my D16 and I drove to a house that was for sale yesterday to check it out. We started making plans on how we could all work together to save up and buy that house in 7 months. My S11 is going downhill fast in school work. So we got into a huge fight last night and this morning we had a heart to heart. I will need to work closely with him to get him back on track.
and today, when I walked into my work building, as I was riding the elevator up I was mentally listing the work I need to do today. I have more work today then I have had in months. Major projects I have to send to the state are due today. Major projects for my boss are due today. Major projects for my co-workers are due today. When I started to list them, I was scared and felt a tad hopeless. But by the time the elevator reached my floor, I had readjusted my attitude completely.
I was saying to myself what a great day this is going to be. I am about to complete more work in one day than I normally complete in a week. I will be on fire! a superstar! when I get everything done! what a great day this will be!
yes, i am fully aware how corny that sounds, but corny is better than hopeless in my book any day.
Thank you so much, Mona. It gives me hope. That makes a lot of sense.
Unfortunately I'm very dependent on my H for money and soon work at the moment. I'm really excited about this opportunity that I'm being given, but it'll be hard to not ever contact him.
He also has a months long work trip coming up, and I'm wondering how much I should be the one to initiate contact between him and our 3 YO.
Thanks again for your explanation. It is much appreciated.
And no, it doesn't sound corny. I'm pretty sure you are in fact a superstar already.
You give hope to the rest of us trying to master how to GAL.
Hi Mona, your kids sure keep you busy. It seems from your posts that your managing this chapter of your life well.
Just thought you should know. My kids are shifted older so they manage themselves and my money without me.
Keep up the good work.
I have been there Gmum! The first time H left, I had a D4, D3 and son not even 1 year old. I was a stay at home mom, with no job. He up and left and gave me no financial support. I promise, if you want to change the fact that you need him financially, you can. Some people stay dependent, because it is a way to keep them around, but he wont be around in the way you need.
I am not in your shoes, so you do not need to change based on anything I say. Im just saying, if you are fearful about change, you CAN do it.
I would do whatever it takes NOT to initiate contact anymore. If he wants contact, he will find a way. If he does not want contact, it will not help your 3YO to force it. Just make her easy to be reached and let him do the reaching.
Feeling a bit proud of myself today
. First, I have not contacted him in a while. No text, no email, no calls. It was hard at first, but every day it gets a little easier. I am not wrapped in thoughts of him all day, every day anymore. But I am pleased because I think I have got rid of the anger. It was put to the test last night. 10:45 PM I was STILL driving around picking up the kids from friend's and from work. We all walked out of the house yesterday at 8:30am, and i was busy with them until very late.
So, at 10:45 my D, who just got off work, notices there is a strange number on her phone. Someone called her and she did not know who it was. I thought I raised my children to be smart, but no, before I knew what she was doing, she called the strange number to see who it was.
It turned out to be a call from H. I heard his voice through her phone. I was shocked at first, because it came from left field. But I was not annoyed at the sound of his voice.
I was hurt a tiny bit that he was calling her and not me. But that was a fleeting hurt. I felt it, acknowledged the hurt was there, then told myself that he has no reason to contact me anymore, and I moved on.
Then I just tried to ignore their conversation and hum along with the song on the radio quietly to distract myself.
The end of the phone call angered me completely. He spoke to D16 for about 5 minutes, and my D15 was sitting right in the back seat of the car, and he did not ask to speak to her. She was not angry, so I let it go. I cant control that. Yes, I could force a conversation, yes I could yell at H, yes I could comfort D, assuming she was hurt. But all of those things would make matters worse, and NOT better. I casually mentioned to D16 that next time she should pass the phone to the back and I moved on with my life. The anger dissolved as soon as I moved on instead of focusing on it and fuming.
I have huge plans working that I just cannot post yet. If I can just make it work I will earn 4 times what I earn now, and work half as many hours.
I am moving on as if the plans have already been successful. The kids and I have found a house on the market that we will move into once the money starts coming in. We are packing up things in the house we currently rent and are throwing away anything that will not fit into our new life. We have not bought the house, we are just moving on like it is a possibility.
I tried to make this work once before, but at that time I felt I needed H to help me make it through. And he never helped at all. He never lifted a finger, and the idea was so dear to me. It was one of the reasons I became so dissatisfied. He made promises to me, and never even tried to keep them. It hurt so bad that I lost track of my goals and became focused on what HE did not do to help.
It will require me to build some sales skills, and that is GLARINGLY outside the scope of my abilities, but I am moving full speed ahead anyway. If I fail I will not be worse off then where I am now, but if I succeed an awful lot of dreams I never really thought of will be within reach.
Now, the only enemy that can destroy my success right now is me. I need to make sure I work every day to make it a little further. Even if it is only a small thing, I have to do something EVERY day. I need to pretend I CAN sell because I have seen sales people, and if they can do it, I can do it.
I am only looking for 20 to 40 customers. That is all I need. I am not being greedy. ANYONE can get 20 to 40 customers, right? My service is desperately needed by businesses so this will be easy.
Customers will be beating down my door for an opportunity for me to help them. (I just have to keep saying that over and over).
Great start to the week! I walked in to work today ready for nothing but issues. I completed the upgrade I struggled with last Saturday and Tuesday on Friday. It should have taken me 2 hours and I was done in 14 minutes
. The upgrade went so well this time that I decided to also upgrade some optional web components. Normally I would never dream of completing 2 upgrades at one time. That way if there is an issue, I know exactly which upgrade caused it and i can just roll back and get the users back up and running.
So I did 2 upgrades on Friday and I came in and just waited for the users to call me because they could not log in. I got a call almost as soon as I sat down. It was from a user who has never worked with me before, and I never upgraded her server before. I asked her what the issue was, and she told me she did not even log in yet. I asked her why she called me, and she said, "You did an upgrade over the weekend, so I am calling so you can help me with the issues logging in."
I asked her if she has seen any issues and she replied "No, I always call in after an upgrade, because there are always issues."
I told her she can log in as normal, there should be no problems, but if their are, she can call me back. She was wary of hanging up. I think she felt if she hung up she would never get any help when she had issues. I reassured her and hung up. I sounded confident on the phone, but secretly I was sweating. I should have stayed with her on the phone 'just to be sure'. But I need to show them they need to have confidence in their IT team.
Well, that was 3 hours ago. I got zero phone calls. Everything is running perfectly.
I turned in a major project for a co-worker on Friday, and this morning that is now completed and we both can move on, and I also got word from the state that the data I sent them on Friday is error free, and my submission for this semester is done. WoW!
That would have made a good day, but last night me and the kids really got rid of a ton of stuff again. We all worked hard and the house is really starting to look stunning. It is still bare and we still have a long way to go. I just never could allow myself to spend money on a lot of decorations, and we held on to so much stuff we never, ever use. So getting rid of years of accumulated junk feels fantastic. Like, with every bag that walks out the door, an invisible stone hanging around my neck, dragging me down, gets a little lighter.
But the best part was a finished my first full color brochure today. I even went so far as to add my picture to the inside. I can only afford to print out 30, so now I need to carefully pick which are the 30 lucky businesses that will get one. I stayed up all night last night researching exactly what I wanted to say on the brochure.
The kids were all in my room playing a karaoke game on the xbox and I was sitting at my PC in my room with ear plugs in trying to design exactly what I want. I have been praying night and day for 2 weeks now that this work. My goal is to find 10 itsy, bitsy, little customers in the next three months.
I have to stop my brain when it screams at me that I am not a sales person, and I will never, ever, ever be able to sell this to even one business, let alone 10. I have to stop my brain when it screams that no one will hire me because they do not understand what I am trying to sell them. I Have to stop my brain when it screams I can't even keep a loser of a H, and he is a pathetic wimp, so why would a business want anything to do with me.
When I think about this, my brain latches on to everything in my life that is bad. My brain points out in all of those ways that I am not good enough to succeed at ANYTHING. I know, beyond a doubt that if a business owner would just allow me to sit in front of their computer for 5 minutes, I can show them over 100 ways they are vulnerable. I have never once sat at a computer and found it secure. My brain kinda understands that, but it seriously screams that no business owner will ever, ever let me show them to begin with.
Then I get stuck on the fact that if I had someone helping me, like a real sales person, they could get me appointments and only then will I succeed, but as long as I try this alone, I will always be a failure.
I have not found a way to get around these thoughts. I cannot stop them or argue with them. I cant pretend I think they are wrong. But, regardless, I created the perfect design last night, and ordered 30 brochures. The businesses have no idea I feel like a failure, so I will just use MWD and act 'as-if' until it is true.
Cr@p, I was so excited when I started this post, now I just want to go cry.
Sales is easy. Even I can do it
How are things?
Well, that was 3 hours ago. I got zero phone calls. Everything is running perfectly.
^^
and that's why people will want to do business with you!
Sales is easy. Even I can do it
How are things?
I can't!
V
Then I am a special little snowflake after all. The hardest part is stress. If you can db, you can sell.
Thanks OG, but you can do sales because you have a very put together character. You do not allow silliness or lies, so people probably trust you and your opinion. I know I would. Thankfully, I really only need to do sales for a few customers at the beginning. I fully expect word of mouth to be my advertising, because I am really very good at what I do, I just cant talk to business owners about it
Gmum, I know you are right, and since you brought that small victory into focus, I will try and keep that in mind when I am speaking to business owners. If I can use that for confidence maybe they will listen long enough let me touch their computer. Once I can actually show them what I can on their computer, then there is no more sales involved. The issues are black and white in front of them and they either want me to fix it or they leave it wide open for hackers.
V, I have a very difficult time believing you are not good at sales, because you can move people with your words. I bet you are selling yourself a little bit short
I hear ya OG when you said if you can DB, you can sell. So I will try and use the DB techniques to reach my goal.
But really, I think I would rather DB than sell any day. I am petrified that someone will actually read my brochure and call me. I am more scared of that than H calling me!
And this is what I love about DBing. Michelle's techniques pulls us out of the trenches of our M and tries to force us to focus on other things. Things that make us better. It would be my choice to sit and think of H all day. It would be my choice to waste time and energy wondering what he is thinking or doing. Because I have other goals and plans I can use that time and energy thinking about.
I still think about H throughout the day. But it is not the real person. It is this kind of fantasy person I knew 15 years ago. and I only think of him because I get lonely throughout the day for someone who understands me better.
Unfortunately, I am also craving physical attention and that will bring my H into focus more than I want. Last time i DB'ed I encouraged any kind of physical contact with H. This time, it ain't happening, period. So I am stuck with this craving I guess, but that is why God gave me chocolate.
Speaking of chocolate, I have been squeezing more exercise into my day than ever before in my life. I went for a speed walk today at work, and was gone for an hour without realizing it. I felt the burn, but not enough to tire me. I have lost a nice amount of weight because I have been trying hard to lose a little weight. It feels so good that today I bought myself a sweater, and it was not from a consignment shop. Last week I got my hair done. So tomorrow I will wear my new sweater, with my new do and feel fabulous
I also finished a paper for school today so I am finally ahead on my degree instead of behind like I have been the past few weeks. By the end of October I want to have 2 of my three classes done. That means I have until Feb to finish my last class!
I have to get to bed because tomorrow is a big dress up day at the high school so I think it will take hours to get the kids ready for school in the morning. Ugh...
I am so scared. I am at work, and I can't stop crying. There is one part of my self I am way to embarrassed to actually type here.
For me it is like the giant elephant in the room. The issue is glaringly there, and has been for many years, but I have deluded myself into thinking I can hide it. If I do not draw attention to it, no one will notice.
Well, I just made an appointment with the doctor to fix my issue. I hinted to the person on the phone how embarrassed I was and she was unbelievably compassionate. So much so that I started crying.
She made me feel like I have noting to be embarrassed about and they would take care of everything. She was even ready to schedule me an appointment today! I said NO. But I have an appointment for Tuesday. I CANT back out. This health issue I would rate as the biggest reason for my self confidence issues. I have been so embarrassed about it that i never dreamed I could get the nerve to ever see a doctor about it so I never had it as one of my goals. I am going to ask them to have a reoccurring appointment with them every 3 months until my issue is resolved.
It was my new sweater that did it. I swaggered into work wearing my new sweater today, and it hit me like a ton of brinks. This sweater would look so much better if x issue was fixed, so i picked up the phone and spoke to the doctor's office.
At least I am not crying anymore. Only one person at my workplace even knows I kicked my H out. We are all computer geeks and very introverted, so I WOULD never be able to explain if they heard me crying.
I remember saying (typing) the words nothing is impossible to a friend the other day, and this issue I always felt was impossible. I remember making an appointment 8 years ago at an office 4 hours away from my house so I could get it fixed and never have to see those people again, but I never went through with it.
I am so happy right now. I cannot wait until Tuesday! I am going to get completely drunk Tuesday night. There is no way I can show another human my biggest secret and not drink it off, but I still cannot wait!
Mona, I'm so proud and happy for you that you made the appt. I will drink with you on Tuesday night.
I just had my own little victory today. I went to the bank and asked about establishing credit for myself, so I got approved for my very first cc. :-)
Already feeling more independent haha.
Oh My Gmum! How awesome is your own CC? I am not being sexist, but that piece of plastic in a woman's hand really does give her a rush of power and independence, lol. Well, maybe that is sexist, but it is also true.
Then you max them out and that feeling of power turns into despair, but we wont go there yet
Seriously, you already ARE independent. There is nothing you cant get done all by your little self.
Good for you Mona, facing our own insecurities is extremely daunting!! SO DAUNTING.
I've been in the position to have many people open up about their greatest fears. Usually they are shaking and coughing and at the end of it I think, "that's it? that's what's been keeping you up for years?"
But to them it's the world. Whatever it may be, it's your world, so congratulations on taking such a monumental step!
Please call a cab if you do get tipsy!
PP
Looks like I am going to have to abuse the boards today and post again. I am just so psyched. I just went for a walk and thought about everything going on, and I noticed a pattern I have fallen into. Without trying, I have kinda cycled through almost all major areas of my life in the last 2 months and have made big changes. I feel like I am losing myself, like nothing is stable anymore. It is OK, I am not sad about any of it, just kinda sentimental about letting go of my old life,even though it was less than perfect. It was still good for me.
I wanted to try and untangle my plans and goals here so I can stay tightly on track and I don't drop any balls while juggling. I have many irons in many fires, so I believe an untangling session is completely in order.
Kids: I dont have solid goals in this area. I am not only a single parent, I am an only parent, he is not helping at all. So my goal here is to make it to the end of the day every day, just give them what they need and make sure I give each kid my attention.
Financial: Couple of goals here.
The biggest one would be to get 10 customers in the next 3 months.
Next is to complete my research and win a fellowship from the National Science Foundation by October 27th. If I win the fellowship, I will be awarded $34,000 paid to me in monthly payments. I have an above average chance of winning this. They are granting thousands and thousands of fellowships, but they really want to grant them to women and minorities.
If neither of those work out, I will need to get a second job. It has been 2 months and I have not received any support from H and my bills are piling up...
I cannot change my life financially with my current job. I work for the state and I am in a union, so my pay for the next 5 years is locked. I am not complaining, nor am I looking for different employment.
I am a technical reviewer for Manning publishing. I have a couple chapters that were due this week. It is not a lot of money, and I will not get paid until the books are complete, but I really need to stop messing around and get those chapters done!
I do not just have financial goals that deal with earning more money. I can make my paycheck stretch much further if i STOP SPENDING MONEY! We created some excellent goals on how me and the kids can save money and I have not been following through. I continually spend money on take out or entertainment for the kids. Starting now, I will not spend a penny unless it is completely needed. Period!
House: My house is currently a source of embarrassment. It has zero decorations and is full of clutter. I cannot really afford to decorate it like I want right now. But every day I cant go to bed unless i get rid of one bag of clutter! That will work for house goals for now.
School: I have three classes left for my master's and then my capstone. By the end of October, I want 2 of the three classes done.
Work: I wont get too technical... I need a deeper understanding of my scripts to manage MySQL, I need to complete the Oracle12c upgrades and move my MS SQL Servers onto MS Server 2012 so I can upgrade them to 2012. Those goals will take a year or more to complete, but I still wanted to jot them down so i keep working on them. (I would probably get fired if I stopped, so no need to beat that dead horse here).
Social: I joined a few meetups, but honestly, I can't picture myself actually going. But I will try...next month...
My best friend since grade school, whom I have not really seen for years, invited me to a huge party this month. I already said I will go so I cant back out. I will reconnect with her and go out with her more to fill my social calendar.
Health: Goals here going good! I have not smoked in a while and I am exercising more.
Vanity: I am losing the extra pounds steadily and slowly and I am very happy that way. I got a new hair do and I look so much younger. I bought a new sweater, and I plan on buying much more, once I get some kind of money coming in. Just about every single piece of clothing I own is something my mother has picked up at a yard sale for me. She goes yard sale shopping all of the time and just drops off bags of stuff. It does not matter if I like it or not, I wear the clothes. I am going to buy clothes that match my style. I dont even know if I have a style... but I am sure I can find one somewhere
Relationship: I haven't a clue what to write here... I have no idea if I want my M or not. I am SOOOO lonely. I am starving for physical attention. I still think of H much much more than what is healthy. I am dying to sit and discuss, in detail some of the things going on in my life with a partner who can support me, even if they do not understand what I am up to.
That was weird. My H has not contacted me in ages. So while I am pondering here to try and save my M or just move on, my phone rings and it is him... I did not answer it. I would prefer he send me a text message so I have time to think about how to answer. And there is the text, lol. He just noticed I took my phone off the cell phone plan.
I removed my line and left him and the 2 girls. I guess he just found out he will have to pay for all three lines. so he texted me asking if I will take one of the girls and he will take the other. He says we can split the cost and that will be fair.
What a great opportunity to practice my anger control an patience!
My anger is rising because he has not helped one bit with anything! He is splitting the cost of nothing right now. Forget the anger. Getting angry will not help. I am simply going to text him that I am not taking the cell lines because I cannot afford it. He is free to cancel the girl's lines if he wants. I might say, "If you are really interested in splitting the costs of non-essentials, the girls both are going to homecoming and I have spent about $500 on dresses, jewelry, shoes and makeup. D16 is taking an advanced course and the textbook was $150, and the special calculator was $120. S11 is playing both basketball and soccer. Fees and equipment and uniforms for both sports have already cost me $300.00. Both girls want to go on a field trip in school that is $100 each."
But it would not help. He is not going to ever help me.
I am not going to text him until after 10 tonight. or maybe even tomorrow.
Smart cookie. The answer to anger is patience. Or so says my Guru ;-)
So, I am still a tad bit annoyed that my H asked me to give him money for the kid's cell bill. I have not texted him back yet. Out of the blue, he decides he is going to take them bowling tonight. This will be the second time in 2 months he has seen them.
He will be at my house in 2 hours.So unfortunately I will need to figure out a way to answer him, other than shove the cell phone bill right up his..... wait, that is still an option on how to respond, but for now lets put any shoving up away as a last resort
So I have landed on 2 ways I can handle this.
Way number one, and my favorite, is to smile and thank him very much for deciding we should split the non-essential bills so that it is fair. I will be happy to take one of the phones on my plan. Now that cell is out of the way, he can split 1/2 of the soccer/basketball bill, the school field trip, the homecoming, the class text books and calculators, half of the driving around every day, etc. So far, his half comes to $1,000, and yes, I accept credit cards...
Way number 2 would be for me to say:
"If you insist I pay a cell bill I will. It will be very tight on my budget, but I can do that. The kids have spent almost $2,000 this month in extras like homecoming and things they need for school. Would you be willing to help with any of those bills? By the way, it has been over 2 months and I still have not received any support from you, do you have any idea when I might see something?"
Or I can keep it sweet and simple and tell him to shove the bill so far up his .... you get the idea.
Cr@p, i was doing so well keeping my focus off of that man! But this is really about childcare and not anything R related, so I can deal with that.
Mona...you're making me laugh. I think somewhere between both options is the way to go. I'm assuming that shoving it somewhere is off the table, unless he says something to earn such a reward...
Snicker.
He defiantly did not earn that reward
The jerk face (and I am being as nice as possible) sits down with me. I thanked him for reaching out to discuss splitting the kids bills. He replied " I am only talking about the cell bill." I said "I know and I will be more than happy to take a line. Now the kids have also spent x, and x, and x... it is almost $2000 this month."
He says, "Well I don't know what I can give right now. I wont know until blah blah blah.../"
I replied with a smile, "No problem, we can discuss the cell phone bill once you know what you can help with the rest of the bills. Oh by the way, I have not seen a penny in support, any idea when I might get any kind off help?"
I have to admit here, that I stuck a knife deep into him on purpose at this point. See, he cant move out of my mom's house because his credit is in the toilet... so i said "Thank God my credit is solid, I was able to get a line of credit to help me through" lol
He won in the end...
"Are you dating?" he asked
I replied "no"
and asked if he is dating? He said he wants to.
Great...
I told him to knock himself out and have fun.
And all was great. I acted happy, confident, secure, perfect.
He took them bowling and the pain started to crush me. I started this post, but the pain would not let go. I popped on Whose Line is it anyway on TV and was laughing my butt off, but it kept going to a commercial and then the pain would choke me again.
So i grabbed the dog and went to the dog park. We had a great time. But every 2 minutes the pain would slap me in the back of the head.
Then I screwed up... I sent him a text saying how bad his words hurt me.
he replied "What?"
I could not answer. I played with the kids when he dropped them off. I washed the dog, I did my S's homework, I watched my D play a video game, I cleaned my room, I set up plans for this weekend (homecoming) with my 2 teen D's. I did everything I could do to NOT text him.
Then I texted him.
I asked if I could come over to talk about this.
He said "Can we do this on Thursday, I have to go to bed."
I wont tell you how I replied because it is completely unlady-like and I am a lady (HA!).
So I did not go over, and I have no idea where in the world this pain is coming from. Yes, I was rejected, that is normal anymore, no reason for it to feel like my entire world just ended.
I did not think I cared if he dated. But when he said the words...
I woke up today no better. Nothing I can do will distract the pain long enough for me to breath. I have taken a long walk. Had 3 different conversations with complete strangers here on campus, did a ton of work, but I am getting crushed.
To make matters worse, I am so disappointed and angry with myself because know better and I am so much better than this.
Logically I know he cant freaking date. What is he gonna tell them? Yes, I live in my wife's mom's house cuz im broke, and I have had 3 jobs in the last year... HA! (OMG, I just smiled!!)
I also know that I have plans to do things this weekend that are absolutely taboo on this forum. seriously, if I told everyone here I was going puppy hunting this weekend you would all be happier than if I told you my real plans.
My real plans are to go to a party on Friday where my friends have some eligible people they want me to meet. And I very much want to meet them!
on Sunday, I am going to an all night bar/party thing with my mom where she has some eligible men she would like me to meet. And I very much want to meet them too!
I know you will all scream "NO DONT DO IT!" dating makes everything much more complicated. But I DB'ed last time for three freaking years. Three years with no physical contact... nope. I am not doing that again. He was with whomever he wanted during that time.
No lie, I need to feel wanted so badly right now, like more than air. I will be completely up front with anyone I speak to, and let them know that there is no possible way I am starting any kind of relationship, period. And I am only seeing people my bestie and mommy know are safe and not a serial killer or anything like that.
Darn you Photoka... So I see you posted this on your thread...
When you have problems in your marriage, people often tell you that you should get out, or that you shouldn't "put up with that crap." Then you begin to second guess yourself.
Don't.
If you fight for your marriage, regardless of the types or severity of your problems, it shows your integrity and your love for your marriage. You're not weak if you're willing to deal with less-than-optimal treatment from your spouse. You're simply working towards a better future.
Hang in there.
Michele Weiner-Davis
I read stuff like this and I totally agree. Marriages are worth fighting for. Keep fighting the good fight.
But.... Fighting when the person you are fighting for is treating you like crap seems insane! But not fighting hurts.
I think I have been on a fence too long and it is time to make a decision. If I was truly done with my M, his words last night would not have killed me. If I was really, really done with jerk face, I would not hang out HERE of all places.
Actually, I hate to admit it, but I also really, really, really screwed up last night because I was so upset. I smoked 2 cigarettes.
2
cigarettes
Weeks of work, down the tubes. I did not BUY a pack, and I have none with me and I have no plans to buy a pack. You dont need to slap me with a bunch of 2x4's. I KNOW and I wont do that again.
So I am going to actually get off the fence and decide, 100% all in, I am going to fight for the stinking poor excuse of a M. My goal is to have my M back in order in HALF the time as last time. So a year and a half. That is it! March 21st 2017 is my absolute final deadline.
(Yes, I am still going out Friday and Saturday. I am Catholic, but NOT a nun and I never will be.)
cr@p cr@p cr@p... this is gonna stink... DB'ing is hard.
But I know what needs to happen.
1. I need to move
2. I need to get in better shape (HE NEVER EVER asked me to do this)
3. I need to get financially better, like high middle class better...
I have my personal goals moving along. So I need some R goals to work on so I know when things are going in the right direction.
Ok, I am already stuck. I need ONE relationship goal. I got nothing... He is not gonna text or call. I am not gonna text or call. MWD says it has to be something small and something I can accomplish within 2 weeks.
Ok, I have something, but I have serious doubts it will happen. My S has a soccer game on Saturday. H has not come to ANY of course. I will ask my D or S or mom to invite him. I have zero expectations he will show. But my first R goal is to see H at a soccer game. I will know our M is moving in the right direction if I am able to see H.
Last night, while he was in my home, I was sitting in the kitchen. Instead of waiting in the living room with D15, because the other 2 were not ready, he made it a point to follow me into the kitchen. He actually followed me from Kitchen into the living room, then when I tried to get away from him and go back into the kitchen he followed me. So I know we can be near each other. That will be the very first sign our R is moving.
I feel better, like more relieved now hat I finally decided. But this is gonna stink.
Mona, at the moment, I totally get where you're coming from. My H is treating me so badly...just want to end this pain, move on, get out...
But...
How will I feel in one month, one year, two years? If I don't stand and fight, I'll never know. That will haunt me for the rest of my life. Darn it.
I will be on this journey with you - reluctantly DBing. I will hate myself forever if I don't. I never would have imagined my biggest battle would be with myself!
I find myself being lured into the Divorce Trap...and I know better! Sounds like you're in a similar position.
Really proud of you for making such a tough decision. I'll be looking to you for wisdom.
Look at you Mona. Good start. Goals, their funny, setting achievable 2 week goals for me is really hard. I just look for improvements where possible. I figure it's something.
DON'T beat yourself up over the cigs (no 2x4 here-you're amazing for doing this now! And the diet and exercise at the same time is an awesome idea and a great show of inner strength). The week is not a waste. You need to get to 90 days and it gets easier. It's science (really they did a study). Are you using anything? Gum? You should maybe if you're not, or if you are, DON'T try to wean yourself off. You're in a very bad place to give up your crutches. I have even gone to sleep with my nic supplement in my mouth. It will help avoid slipping. BTW 7 months, no cigs, thankfully.
I have accomplished zero personal goals today, except my exercising. I am going to lose weight no mater what!
I have done no school work, only the smallest amount of regular work, no work towards getting a stupid customer, no work on those chapters.
i have the cable man coming to my home tomorrow because my internet is unacceptable and I need to get all those rooms clean tonight so I will not have time.
But I CANT allow myself to go to bed until I complete the following (gulp)
1. both chapters of the book edited and TURNED IN!
2. School work 75% complete, so 8 pages of the paper written!
3. brochures picked up and envelopes stuffed!
4. Intercession report for work and Sysaid for work!
5. Living room, kitchen, stairs, halls, Vic's room, Tif's room, my room and bathroom presentable (not perfect, but presentable...)
6. S11 to soccer and picked up from soccer
7. D16 picked up from work
8. Dinner (chicken)
9. Drink 3 beers after kids get home to de-stress (yuck)
Ok, so if I add that all up, I have 11 hours of work to do before I am allowed to go to bed and it is 1:30. Easily done... but I gotta get off these forums! Wish me luck...
I like Number 9. Good Luck!
Mona
I see you are a little like me. You push yourself very hard. It isn't a bad thing.
Can I offer a word on it.
This is a little like fighting a great war. Germany failed in both wars and France in Nepolionic times because the leaders, including Hitler and Neopleon tried to advance on too many fronts. England a sea nation was defending tightly on its shores with forays into enemy territories.
Pick your advances prioritise and concentrate.
If necessary a theme a day or a month.
Deal with the important first.
WH must pay his share of the Fins, keep an account on it. Send it monthly, ask in advance before you spend. Cut the borrowing.
Ask for the cash, be business like about it. Without emotion, look after you and the kids. The kids have to economise too. It's OK to say I can't afford it, they are old enough to learn.
If you read my threads you will see that I struggle on fins too. There are some good resources out there on fins, try prosperity place there are free podcasts and MP3 on fins.
We can ask some questions, as always V no thanks is OK?
Why do you think you over spend?
Why is debt OK?
Do you ever say no to your kids?
Is overspendingthe key factor in the R?
What lack within yourself is spending filling?
----------------------
You may want to look at Jellybean sitch because she addressed at long last a physical issue that distressed her. The internal work had to be resolved first, then she let go of her zig zag scar.
V
Really Mona? Were these expectations of your H?
I wanted to check in and say your choice "being all in" was a good one.
Thanks Mahh! I never made it to number 9, but I de-stressed by taking my daughter to an Italian restaurant at 10:00pm for a sinful dessert (only dessert).
Hi V,
I work hard, but it is OK with me because I can handle ALOT. If I can do 10 things in one day and I only do 5, I cannot look at the 5 things I got done and be happy, I think about the 5 things I did not do and I feel guilt and disappointed in myself. You guys have heard part of what I do in a day, probably more than anyone else in my world knows right now, but I have only posted 50% here, because you just would not believe it if I actually typed my plans and goals.
I think I am having an issue getting cash from him because it has been all on my shoulders for so long. I made DB'ing mistakes in the past. I went from him leaving me while I had no job to him returning as me as the bread winner. Since I made more, the bulk of responsibility has been on my shoulders. So he has been able to off load when he needed to. It spiraled to now he expects me to just take care of everything.
I do not think I overspend except in 2 areas. Our clothes come from thrift shops, I do not buy decorations and other household stuff, and I just got my hair done for the first time in many years. We get groceries from the discount grocery store. My H on the other hand over spends. He makes $100 and spends $1000, I make $1000 and spend $100. Except in 2 areas. The first area I WAY overspend is the kids school. I cannot really afford for them to go to a catholic private school. But I will eat grass before I take them out. Speaking of eating, the other way I completely overspend is dinner. We go out to eat so much. The reason is I am too tired to cook, and instead of going out, I should have my kids make dinner, or I should cut back on other activities, I know this and I should really try to do better.
I do not really have debt myself. My credit is golden, which is why I was able to get increases on my line on my card to float through this mess. It is my H's credit that is in the toilet, and I cant help that.
On the next point, you got me dead to rights... I have a hard time saying no to the kids. ESPECIALLY now. I really feel if I would have never chosen that man to marry, they would not be going through this right now. When I look at them, I feel like him not calling is my fault, so when they ask for anything I move a mountain to get it.
Thanks Rick! No my expectations of myself had nothing to do with what I expect him, or others to do. For example, a few years ago, one of my nieces gave me a silly Rubik's cube for my birthday. I took it home, mixed it up and solved it. And I did it again, and again. I started to time myself. I can do it now in about 3 minutes. I never, ever solved it in front of anyone else at that time, because I was so embarrassed it took me 3 minutes. Even typing it here I feel like everyone reading thinks that is pathetic. I would never expect my H or kids to even be able to solve 2 sides, heck one side, in three minutes, or at all.
My expectations of my H were clearly told to him. I asked him to try and keep promises to me, and to sleep in bed with me most nights. He likes to play on the computer alot. I'm good with that, but I am not good with spending night after night alone on bed.
And it really hurts my feelings if H tells me he will do something and then doesn't even try to do it, and doesn't acknowledge he did not get it done. I wont ask him go get one of the kid's birthday presents at the store. But if he tells me he will take care of it, then I do expect him to at least try to get to the store. He would tell me he would get something done, then sit on the computer all night or just not do it. He would never say "I'm sorry, i did not do x." He just never acknowledge it at all.
It is the same with the kids. I expect D16 to get A's, because she is more than able to. I expect D15 to get C's, that is her ability. I expect my S11 to not get detention, which apparently is too much to expect. But I have different expectations for each person in my life because we are all different. My expectations for myself is miles more then any person, because I can handle it.
THANKS mutatio! I am trying hard today to think that way. Thoughts have crossed my mind that I jumped off the fence in reaction to his words instead of thoughtful decision making. But I keep pushing them away. I can do a few things to make my M better, and if I do them and they do not work, then I will know I tried my hardest.
I hope I answered all the responses. Thanks so much for stopping by!
So I got my list done yesterday. Except for the beer, but I substituted chocolate so it is all good.
I'm so glad because my mind and hands were busy so I was not able to ride the emotional roller coaster.
I was even able to get a few extra things done. One thing was magical. It was so stupid, but it was so great. I picked my S up from soccer and I took him to get a uniform shirt from KMart. I thought I had an hour until my D was going to get off work. So I never checked my phone the whole time I was in the store until the very end. We were standing in line, and of course the lady in front of me had an issue, and it was the only open register. So after 10 minutes, when I normally would had been beyond irritated, we were still waiting on the price check issue and me and my S fell into a conversation that had us both rolling. We were belly-laughing and having such a good time I forgot we were supposed to be irritated because we were stuck in line.
Had I checked my phone, none of that would have happened. It turned out my D got off work early. Since I did not see her text, she started walking home, in the dark through a park! GRRRRR. Unbelievably, she walked right past my H's house where my mom and H were and never asked either of them to take her home.
I saw the texts and was able to pick her up in the park. I drove right past a gang of not friendly looking teens to get to her and it was kinda scary. I dont mind being a single parent, but I hate being an only parent.
I was supposed to go out with my mom for dinner tonight, but she just cancelled on me so I have a few hours to relax a bit. I just home my brain takes the opportunity to relax and not stress or focus on pain.
Why on earth did D not feel she could ask H for a ride? Is that a failure on his part, or on hers? That concerns me, too, because her safety was at risk (not your fault) and she could have done more to ensure she was okay. She's old enough to understand consequences...what on earth happened?
I am so happy you had a rolling good time with your son. Those moments are magical, and need to be cherished. Kids grow up so much faster than you realize. One moment I had a house full of five children, along with their friends. Now, it feels so empty I want to run out and adopt more! LOL
(((Mona)))
You're doing okay.
Wow Mona, I don't know what to say. What you accomplish in a day, would take me a month.
And your Walking in the park at night story makes me glad my D will never ever grow up.
So Tuesday is so far away. I am fantasizing how much better certain activities will be after the doctor. I even hinted to my D that
A. I have a problem (she has no idea, no one does) and
B. I am going to talk to a doctor on Tuesday. I told her because I dont want to back out, now I have someone to hold me slightly accountable. I do not want to look weak in my D's eyes, right?? But chances of me backing out are so low because I am so excited for my life after
I would rather walk down the street naked then go to the doctor, but AFTER OMG it will be wonderful.
Just thinking of it has boosted my confidence. So much so that I sent a text to my H this morn.
Ok, you all need to relax... it had nothing to do with the R...
"I need $350.00 for bills this week. Can you give me $350.00?"
I am 99% sure he will give me zero. and 1% sure if he forks over any cash it will be less than $100.00. So In the end I am going to have to go to my mother and beg for money this weekend. Oh well. It is not the worst thing in the world, but I still hate it.
Does anyone here know how long it takes to ever get child support? I files 8/16/15. We had our hearing 9/11/15. H started new job 9/14/15. Order to with hold from his paycheck was received by his employer 9/25/15.
So how much longer will I have to wait?
I remember last time it took me 8 months to get any money from him, but that was 15 years ago and I cannot remember how long it took me to file for support to begin with.
Thanks Judy! I have no idea. I asked her and she said she did not see H's car so she did not stop. I told her his car was right out front of the house. She said she did not see his car so she did not walk down to the house.
However, I do not think she is being 100% truthful. I have been trying to get the kids to ask him for stuff instead of just me, but they wont. Every resource I have read said not to force the kids to communicate with the parent who left. I make it as easy as humanly possible for them to speak to him, and I encourage it daily. I make it equally as easy for him to access them, but I never ask him to, and I will never ask him again. That is all I can do.
DONT ADOPT... BORROW MINE!
(((Gmum))) I read your thread, you get alot done in a day as well
Earlier I texted him and asked him point blank (like V said, all businesslike) for $350.00
He texted me back, lol
Him:"You want more support over the support I already gave you?"
Me:"I have never received any support."
Him: "They took it from my last check."
Me: "I dont have enough money to make it, can you give me $350.00?"
crickets......
I was reading about communicating with the male of the species and V you were right. business-like... In the past I would have texted him a wall of text justifying my reason for asking him to do something. I would have listed the uber important reasons why it needed done, apologized for asking, then a long list of reason why I could not do it, and finally end with the request for him to do it.
It feels so weird just blurting out, 'give me money'.
Let's see when these silly crickets go away if I have 350... I do kinda need it, I am not making up non-existant bills.
Quote from MWD
If you spouse isn't doing exactly what you hoped for, don't withhold praise and positive feedback. When you encourage small steps along the way, your spouse will see you as an ally rather than an enemy, and be much more likely to want to please you. With any luck, s/he might eventually get it "right".
Still crickets. But I am kinda sure who ever talks first loses in this sit. So I am going to be sure I do not talk first.
Then, no matter how much he gives me (I have zero hopes at this point he will give me the whole 350), I will thank and praise him for his ...cough... outstanding ...cough.... effort in providing for his kids.
Yeah, there is no way I will call it outstanding
How about,
"Thanks, I would have really struggled to make it to my next paycheck 2 weeks from now if you would not have helped. I know you are trying to pay back people who have helped you these last 2 months and you are trying to save for your new place, and I know this was not easy for you."
I put him in the light of provider (something he is COMPLETELY not used to), savior (again, something he rarely ever hears) and I let him know he put me and the kids as a higher priority than other people (something he has not done in a long time) and I show I see him sacrifice what he is working for...
Why does doing this make me feel nauseous. I really want to call him a pathetic SOB for making his kids beg him for help...
But if I do it the right way, who knows, maybe next paycheck he will offer to buy the girls a shirt or something else to help, since this time went so well...right?
Hi, I would just make a brief reply if he does help:
Thanks for your help - I appreciate it :-)
Thanks for your help Sotto I appreciate it :-)
HEHE so I was unsucessful in DB'ing 2 minutes ago. I'm an idiot, but at least I am a giggling idiot.
I shared a silly photo on my Facebook:
A child asked his father "What is a man?" The father replied, "A person who takes responsibility for his family and his house and takes care of them."
Then the child said. "I hope I will be a man like mom one day."
**NOTE That only made me laugh because of my particular H and only him. I actually love men and respect them as a whole.
yep, once my H sees that my 350 will go right down the tubes, but I made it this long without his money... and I needed a giggle.
He texted me that he asked everyone and he has already tapped out all of his resources and he cant borrow more without paying people back. He will keep trying but it does not look good.
It stinks that he cant, but I half way believe he tried. And all that matters to me today is that I can halfway believe he tried. When he lived at home he never lifted a finger to try to help me.
So I will beg for cash from mommy... Ugh... Any day now I am sure I will get support though, AND i just read the website, it looks like the IRS SHOULD just give me his tax return this year because he is 2 months or more behind. So I just need to tie a knot in the end of this rope and hang on a little longer.
Mona, that photo made me laugh too.
I have to say though, it sounds like you're a lot to live up to. I think I would be intimidated as well. In fact, I'm pretty sure that's one of the major reasons why my marriage has failed.
Mona
Time to stop indulging the kids with fin stuff, instead find free stuff to do.
It's time my lovely to be so practical. No borrowing, economise.
So a 180 might be, what meals at home can I prepare with minimal effort?
Food at home is much much better for health. Less additives, added fat, salt and sugar plus no mono sodium glutamate.
Try some sexy, sassy, delicious home cooked food.
How can you achieve that?
How can you and your kids benefit from it?
V
Jam packed busy weekend.
Friday night was a blast! i went out with my mother and a huge group of her friends. The age of the group was some in their 80's all the way down to people in their 40's so I was not alone in my age group.
One part of the night was scary and sad and has stuck in my mind. We were all at a bar listening to a band. There were a handful of men in the group, and an overwhelming amount of women. You could practically feel the desperation in the air. I sat and spoke to one of my mom's friends. She was in her 60's. She told me she became a widow 9 years ago and has not dated once since. She said she was more than willing to date, but no one has asked.
Other than that, I had a lovely evening. I danced with the group and slow danced with some men my age. It felt so nice to have a tiny bit of physical contact after none for so long.
We went out to breakfast and we were a rowdy group. I fit in very well with everyone. It was so much fun.
My teen daughters had the homecoming game and they had to find a ride home, but it did not kill them. They seemed to have a good time at the game.
The next morning my son had the best soccer game of his life.
Me and the girls had a great time watching him. I even took the puppy for some fresh air.
Homecoming dance was Saturday, so I had to drive the girls to different before parties, different picture spots, then to the dance, but thankfully one girl was spending the night at a friends, so after the dance I only had to get one girl to an after party and then pick her up when it was over.
In the middle of the homecoming madness, I went to my friend's house for a party. Everyone there was my age and I had a little fun because there was a band and a bonfire, but the party for my age group was not nearly as fun as my mother's friends. My friends all just wanted to get as drunk as possible as fast as possible. They were so drunk that they were stumbling and falling all over the place. The police were called to the party before it was even 10:00pm.
It was nice seeing my friend and her family, we have been best friends since grade school. She invited friends over I used to work with in high school. It was nice getting hit on by guys my age. I even got complements on my appearance from some of the ladies there I have never met before. So I left with raised confidence, but i still did not have a great time.
Sunday we ran a bunch of errands and got a bunch of stuff done. Just me and the kids. Very nice weekend.
Nothing happened R wise and I did not expect it to. But today I blew that. I noticed my D was watching a TV show that she usually only watched with her father. But since he just wont contact her, she kinda has no choice. I knew she felt guilty about watching it, so I stupidly texted my H and asked him if he could watch it with her tonight. I told him we would all be out of the house so they would be alone.
He said no. Fine, I feel bad for my D but there is nothing I can do to help.
Then my older kid texted her D and asked him to take her home from work. I have no idea why, he never takes her home from work. But he was able to do that even though he couldnt see D15.
This sent me into a tailspin and for some reason I cannot pinpoint, I just an getting choked with pain tonight. I hate being alone, but I feel H is a jerk. Just dont know so I am just gonna go play with my kids and fall asleep. I will visit your threads in the a.m.
Holding you accountable as requested for attending docs today
Let us know how it goes
V
Yes Mona, I belive I promised to drink with you after your appt today ;-)
V thank you! Gmum, I am more than ready for a drink, but it better be one very large glass
I started today finally ready to dig down and look at my spending for take out food face to face. I figured I would look at exactly what I am spending now so i can plan how to make it better.
It really is not as bad as I thought it would be. In the past 3 weeks, me and the kids have gotten food outside of the grocery store 9 times. That number was outrageously high when I first saw it, but then I looked closer. the 4 of us have only spent $110.51 total, and 2 of those charges were at restaurants, where we sat and ate. It averages to less than 2 bux per person, per visit except for the restaurants.
Sure, the number would be better if it was zero, but I cannot cry over that. I will add it all again on November 10th and see if I can get that number down to $75.00.
Instead of asking my mother for help I wrote some articles and earned a bit of money from them. But I am running out of hours in a day so that income source is not sustainable. But I only need it float me through until the support kicks in.
I am finding it completely impossible to focus today. After the great weekend I had, I crashed into a depression yesterday. I am still trying to shake it off and get back to normal today.
Every time I laughed over the weekend it felt weird. Like something was missing, and I know what that something was.
I was reading about dealing with insecurities the other night. They say that people who reconcile their marriages struggle with insecurities. I wanted to know if I was only hanging on because I am insecure. I am not trying to sound vain when I say any of this, I am really trying to unravel my own mind, but I do not think I am very insecure.
I am very introverted. I do not like attention or people looking at me. But I do not feel I am ugly. When I was asked to dance by the men at the bar and my friend's house this weekend I was not shocked, I kinda felt "of course they want to dance with you" When I got complements from the ladies I agreed with them. And I loved it when my husband looked at me.
So I am gonna throw insecure out the window. So why am I holding on to this M so tightly? I would love more than anything to be able to just drop it and walk away. Other people do it every day. I am not jumping back on the fence. I made my decision to try until 3/21/17, I am just trying to figure it out, because I am very sad and I want the pain to subside for a little bit so I can breath.
There is no one I can actually talk to to help me. They all are very clear that I should move on. They are not wrong, but I do not think they are right either.
I am not sure why I am in pain because I have zero to report . No contact other than that one text that he declined and I was already feeling sad before I sent that.
Ok, time to visit other threads and get ready for the doctor! Other than that I am gonna take it easy today.
Gotta hit the showers, but just wanted to say you don't need to rationalize wanting to keep your family intact. Some of us get married taking the "till death do us part" seriously.
I'm glad you went out and had fun.
Thanks Gmum! I think I try to rationalize it most to myself. I am embarrassed to say I want him. I joke to myself that he is my heroin, my poison that I cannot live without. Then when I think he is not good enough for me, like at all, i get so sad.
I dont really worry that the M is done. I am very sure I know exactly what I need to do on my end to breath life back into the M. If I am honest, I know that by me changing 2 areas over 50% of our issues will be resolved.
One area will be completely resolved in March. Me and the kids are getting a new house in March. This alone will completely do him in.
The second area I will have wrapped up in another month or 2.
But that is not at all what I want, and I think that is where the pain is coming from. I dont want HIM back. I want the fantasy H I dream about. I want the man who shares my bed, not plays on the PC all night. I want a partner for the kiddies. And other things I imagine a good M looks like.
I dont think I understood until right now where all of this pain was coming from. And I think I finally found it. I am grieving over losing something I haven't seen or thought of in years. I have absolutely no idea if I am able to get our M to the point were I am getting what I need from it.
I am desperately sad because I feel completely hopeless. If I get H back, he will never be what I need. If I dont get him back I need to start all over. So I am alone.
Ok, good. Now I know why I am so sad, now how to rise above it?
there is nothing wrong with wanting h and your m back. it is natural. We wouldnt be here with you if we really didnt want the same. We are all very insecure about what the other person is doing because the not know ing is the worst part and then to make up our own reality is sometimes worse.
you are doing fine!
That's one of the things I struggle with as well. I don't want my M back the way it was, I want what could be. But only if we both change. We're grieving the death of a fantasy, I guess. At least I am.
Ok, I will accept that. I am totally grieving the death of a fantasy. I created the fantasy, he obviously did not live up to my fantasy, and I am 100% sure I did not live up to his fantasy.
I can continue to wallow and distract myself with a large number of GAL activities or I can map out my fantasies, what I think might be his fantasies (PG rated, or course) and search for solutions that will bring me closer to those.
Once I get a few down, I will pick one. The easiest one I can find and see if I can make that one fantasy a reality.
Once I get a few down, I will pick one. The easiest one I can find and see if I can make that one fantasy a reality.
[/quote]
Just read that and for a second I thought you meant get a few drinks down, haha.
But really, it's Tuesday so we are supposed to be celebrating you going to your appt today. My wine is open. Cheers lady.
I went to my doctor's appointment. I got there early. I filled out all the paperwork and was 100% happy and ready. They looked at my insurance card and they do not accept my insurance. They would have been happy to treat me, but I would have had to pay out of pocket. Since I need major work, I had to walk away.
So tomorrow I will search for a different doctor
But I am still drinking to celebrate my bravery
With you Gmum!
Had a great conversation with H today. As I was going over my plans in my head and reading DR and reading another site that spoke about a halo effect I was getting myself all confused about what I need to do next.
TLR says NC. The halo effect says I need to do 4 good things to cancel out one bad.
I completely shut down at the end of our M so me using NC was more of the same. But I need to give him a chance to miss me so I cant contact him.
But all I have been doing anymore is complain, and last night, for some reason, D16 called him and asked him for a ride home.
I had invited H to spend time with D 15 yesterday and he said he could not. So it was weird that D 16 called him. She did not know he was busy. But, he did not say no to her and he actually drove her home yesterday.
So today I decided to send a text and break up the NC. We texted for 2 hours.
Me: "Thank you for driving her home last night., I did not tell her to do that and her phone died before I could tell her you were busy."
H: "No worries. I enjoyed my time with her."
The next 2 hours I spent asking him questions about his job and other stuff, and filling him in on what the kids are doing. I refused to go within a mile of any kind of fight or any R talk.
We first met at the printing press he now works at. So I was able to ask questions that show I know him better than anyone else in the world. And only I understand what he is talking about. But they were harmless questions, for example, are the presses single web now? That may make no sense and it is certainly completely harmless, but he understood that I was amazed at something he was doing.
By starting off the conversation with a thank you, he was quick to open up about his job. I kept the focus solely on him. I know the pains of working that job so I was able to draw out the pains to show him I understand how well he is doing.
If there is one thing my H loves to do, it is to talk about himself. If there is another thing my H likes to do, it is to over exaggerate the truth so he gets pity.
I validated like a boss and the more I validated, the more he spoke. There is a point where he actually sent me 4 text messages in a row!
He became so comfortable in our conversation that he actually ...
wait for it, because this is priceless...
complained TO ME at one point that his whole check was going towards child support.
(remember, he left me at one point and had another child out of wedlock and he pays her support)
So he is paying me for three kids and her for one!
I dont know who took over my body at that point, but I actually validated his freaking feelings!
Dont get me wrong, I was angry... Livid, but in my text messages to him it was all like "That must be very hard..."
Then I would send a text to my mom with my true feelings. "Mom, you wont believe what he just said to me!!!" I really did not want to text my mom at all, but I am 100% sure I would have physically exploded if I did not vent SOMEWHERE.
It was a mistake, because her text messages back to me were all negative... (Completely understandable. If someone was being a jerk face to my D I would be very negative about that jerk face. But since I am fighting for that jerk face right now, a little positive support would have been helpful.)
Now is when I act as if today never happened. I will not mess this positive experience up by have EXPECTATIONS. The halo effect means I need to show him 4 positives to erase a negative. Today was definitely a positive, but I am going to count it as 2 positives,because I did more than one good thing in those 2 hours.
My plan tomorrow is NO CONTACT. No Contact. no, I really mean it... no contact.
I only want one or 2 pleasant conversations a week right now. Even if he wants more. I need to absolutely take everything molasses slow.
But at least I am going to bed confident that I really can do this. I know exactly what to say and what not to say to make him react positively or negatively.
I remember the girl I was 20 years ago when we first met, so i am 100% sure I can elicit his loving feelings again. I just need to move forward in a way that I am NOT winning my M back, but I am creating a new M starting today where we both get our real needs fulfilled, not just back to the same old M.
Wow, you really are the Validation Master. I'm not sure I could have kept my cool with a text like that.
I'm sorry you had to deal with your moms reaction though. I get that too, if I listened to my friends I'd be all lawyered up by now.
The dip in my roller coaster is done now
. I do not know why but the last 3 days I have been seriously sad. I know I felt guilt for going out and having a good time, and I definitely felt guilty for slow dancing with a few other men.
But this morning I woke up and realized I have been sleeping, I mean really sleeping through the entire night, because there is no incredibly LOUD snoring to deal with and it felt great.
The temperature in the house has been perfect, and I can walk from room to room and I dont have to feel angry at anyone.
I saw a show on TV while I was getting ready for work, and I liked the guy on it and my mind went to what my life would be like if I had a guy like that as my H. That also felt great to think about, even though they were only quick, passing thoughts.
I was remembering our pleasant conversation yesterday and I was really praying that my H is as deeply affected by it as I am. In my head he was, and I cooked up a perfect reason to text him today. I had the phone in my hand and I opened the messaging program to his name, and stopped myself just in time.
No Contact means NO CONTACT!
No problem, I have a million other things I need to do anyway. At least I am in a great mood today!
Gmum, I am 100% sure you helped by "being" with me last night
Well, if that's all it takes, I'm happy to help anytime.
Mona, good for you, the next time you are validating his texts and you need to vent, you should come on here, we will hold your hand through it! And hopefully be less negative than your mom.
You get the Academy Award for last night's performance! Good job.
Thanks Gmum! I think I try to rationalize it most to myself. I am embarrassed to say I want him. I joke to myself that he is my heroin, my poison that I cannot live without. Then when I think he is not good enough for me, like at all, i get so sad.
I dont really worry that the M is done. I am very sure I know exactly what I need to do on my end to breath life back into the M. If I am honest, I know that by me changing 2 areas over 50% of our issues will be resolved.
One area will be completely resolved in March. Me and the kids are getting a new house in March. This alone will completely do him in.
The second area I will have wrapped up in another month or 2.
But that is not at all what I want, and I think that is where the pain is coming from. I dont want HIM back. I want the fantasy H I dream about. I want the man who shares my bed, not plays on the PC all night. I want a partner for the kiddies. And other things I imagine a good M looks like.
I dont think I understood until right now where all of this pain was coming from. And I think I finally found it. I am grieving over losing something I haven't seen or thought of in years. I have absolutely no idea if I am able to get our M to the point were I am getting what I need from it.
I am desperately sad because I feel completely hopeless. If I get H back, he will never be what I need. If I dont get him back I need to start all over. So I am alone.
Ok, good. Now I know why I am so sad, now how to rise above it?
Hey Mona. I will admit I haven't been following. If you read my "black and white" post you'll see that I'm very pro-m, to a fault perhaps. I respect that you have been down this road before but when I heard you were letting go of your M I decided not to post because I didn't think I'd add much value.
I checked in to read the post of another vet I like, and it looks like the tone has changed. I'm delighted to hear that. Whatever the outcome...and I hope for the best...I'm proud that you are openminded about the chance for your M.
One thing I'd like to point out is that your H may change if you do. That's the entire spirit of DB, it takes one to tango. It really does. And while you can't make him change, don't think he'll always be that way. My WAW left me for reasons that were very fleeting, while I have character that would've lasted her a lifetime. And she doesn't realize that I felt the exact same way, and that we dragged each other down. That doesn't mean we weren't 'compatible', it meant we didn't know what we were doing.
Take a read through my latest thread if you get bored, it's been some good conversation on commitment and what is possible out of a marriage. I'd like your thoughts. I'm idealistic, but maybe a bit naive too...
Anyway, I don't think wanting your M is a poison. Maybe for the wrong reasons, but if that's a poison I wish more people would drink up like the sicilian from the princess bride
Thanks Gmum, thanks Photo, thanks Zues. Yep Photo, I would have loved to hop on here, but I did not have access. Maybe I will make that a new rule, NC H unless i can type it in here first
Zues, I started reading up on yours and we share many similarities, I am excited to read further!
So, a small, everyday babystep is starting to build more momentum. My ounces are turning into pounds. Everyday I keep to a reduced calorie diet and every day I do a variety of different exercises, but one is consistently walking around the campus. I am not shooting for a fast weight lose, but I am losing ounces everyday. Those ounces are turning into pounds. I was able to wear a pair of jeans yesterday that I have not touched in a few years.
I do not think I am actually ready to run yet. When I quit smoking in January, it was from a 30 year (ish) habit, so running is a pipe dream. But I am eager to run. As I walk, i try and walk faster and faster and now, my legs burn way before I run out of breath. So I think I am going to try jogging soon. As soon as I have spare time at night. (So never)
I did not succeed in NC yesterday, but it was unavoidable. And I shot myself in the foot.
When my S first signed up for soccer months ago, I decided to use H's email addy. I thought that if the coach was speaking directly to H, H would be more involved.
Well, I shot myself in the foot on this one, because now I
Please start a new thread
Last post broken, I fixed it on new thread.
New thread:
New thread. Back on these forums again 2