So i am sitting here thinking about my IC session today.
My therapist is telling me to move on and divorce. She says that tough love won't change her and only make her think that I am a bigger Ahole.
She also suggested that I try to find a date.
Starting to wonder if I should find a different therapist. Has anyone else had this experience?
Have you read DR? There's a section on therapists and how they bias their advice based on their beliefs and experiences.
There's no rule that says you can't change therapists.
Yes I have read DR a number of times. I have been seeing this therapist for 6 months and today was the first time that she made those opinions known.
My therapist has also recommended that I file for divorce. I am leaning very heavily in that direction but still am not certain. Her advise has been very good so far. Just not sure..........
Jeff,
No IC, no DB message board pro, no one can tell you it's over until you decide it's over. This is your life and your family. What do you want?
I do not want a divorce but will not stand in my wife's way if that is the road she chooses. My therapist opinion doesn't sway me but I was just wondering if other DBers have run into this.
You have come a long way HurtJef. Nice to see you becoming so strong. My therapist suggested to me that my marriage was over several months ago. I was not ready to admit it however. We must all walk our path!
Thanks shotgun
I am really feeling better most days. I still spiral from time to time but I feel strong when my kids are with me. You would think it would be the opposite b/c the WW is out doing whatever but I do get lonely when the kids are gone. I have been GALing more and more which helps immensely.
I just keep praying and reading. Actually I have gotten to the point where the thought of her ever coming back frightens me a little. I have no expectations but she is not the good hearted girl I fell in love with any longer.
I spend more time working on myself than I ever have.
Those words are inspirational to me. I no longer wish my wife back. In the words of her therapist, she has had an awakening and she will never be the same. To bad she awakened to a narcissist personality. Funny thing is that when I reached this point, W behavior improved dramatically.
Wish I could say the same. My WW is acting like a teenager but thats fine. She has ruined all her relationships and only has a select few who support this new lifestyle.
Im fine where I am at.
Hello Jeff,
Thank you for the words of encouragement in my thread. You are a Rock Star.
I feel the same way as you do. I do not want a divorce but will not stand in my wife's way if that is the road she chooses. In my case, this has been going on since October. My IC is still trying to get me to move on and forget about my W. He knows how I feel. Why do I still see him? Because he does have some good advice and he helped me, along with the wonderful people on this board, to have the courage to go out and actually enjoy myself.
What type of GAL activities have you done recently? Something that you REALLY enjoy. GAL and not worrying about the future have helped me very much. If you want to fight for your M, do it!
I'll dedicate a prayer for you right after this post.
I wish you well.
Bob
Bob,
Thank you for the prayer, I will say one for you also.
As far as my IC goes. She knows how I feel about my sitch as well. I actually really enjoy talking to her so I hesitate to switch.
With my GALing....I started doing yoga(badly lol), I have been attending church regularly again....i have been wearing out my treadmill as well as taking the kids for walks...taking them swimming and to the park...as well as going out with friends when I get the chance. I am reading many relationship books as well as the bible. Bought new clothes and cologne. Been buying myself carry out from new places once a week.
Really trying to make myself happy. It doesn't always work but I feel better it seems more often.
I still have my rough moments. Usually once a day I lose myself in my sitch but I am learning to get through it quicker.
My wife really has no interest in talking to me...which is fine. We communicate usually by text...never by phone. I see her usually a couple times a week during kid transfers and those are always short. I hear things about her that aren't very pleasant but I cannot save her anymore...nor does she want me to.
Just living one day at a time ,my friend.
Jeff,
You're very welcome, and thank you, too. Prayers are always welcome. It sounds like you are on the correct path. I urge you to keep it up. Rough moments? Of course you will have them. It happens to all of us. You are going thru a traumatic time in your life. The more you focus on doing things for yourself, little by little, you'll begin to feel stronger. That's what has happened to me. Trust me, I'll admit it has not been easy, but I'm so happy I didn't give up.
My W and I rarely communicate either. If we do, only by text. I haven't tried contacting her at all in at least 2 weeks. At least 2 more weeks of staying dark. If I don't wait another 2 weeks, I'll get whacked upside my head with a 2x4 by our dear friend, Wonka.
I think you have this. Keep your chin up and always try to think positive thoughts.
Take care buddy.
Bob
Today, I open up facebook and the first thing I see are pics posted by my WWs roommate of my Ww and OM together. Ugh.
I unfriended her b/c I dont need to see that but it hurt. It hurt bad. I hadn't seen them together since the day I found out.
Plus, I know it was wayward lies but she swore to the kids he was not her boyfriend and that she wasn't seeing anyone.
Im okay.....just triggered a bunch of emotion
Sorry you had to see that.....yuk!! FB is best avoided at times like this IMHO. I have seen so many posters hurt by stuff that goes on social media - best to go cold turkey on it I think.
I'm with Toots and have been on a FB boycott since BD. The only times I've gone on there have left me hurt! Without fail.
Stay strong Jeff.
Really trying to stay strong.
Found out some stuff today that my ww was doing behind my back for years. Not cheating (she saved that for later), but lets say she wasnt being honest about alot of money stuff.
Also she called me tonight and wanted me to ask my parents to watch the kids for her Saturday. She wants to work the american legion golf outing and it is all day saturday. I told her that she is responsible to find a babysitter when she has the kids. She said that she would ask them herself but they dont talk to her anymore.
I told her to ask her family......she hung up.
Then she texted me later asking if we could go school shopping for the kids together on sunday. I simply said....no thanks
I hate being this way.....but she fired me as her H.
Ok...its been over a week since I posted anything. Last time I was here I found out about my wife hiding alot of her money from me to feed her gambling addiction during our marriage....as well as taking money from our kids xmas fund a few years ago to go to the casino. She lost it all and had to borrow it to put it back.
I am really flabbergasted by this. As i have said before...My Ww is a bartender and can lie about the majority of the money that she brings in. I was heartbroken all over again.
This past friday, I backslid hard and let her have it for the lies she has told me for all of these years. I was very mean and called her narsisistic and selfish. I explained how I felt instead of just STFU.
Then Saturday night, a crying, wasted WW called me and told me She loved me so much and could never love another man. She said that I am the same ahole I always was and that she wont take my verbal abuse anymore, even over text. She told me thats why she is with OM b/c he puts her in a pedestal and I am mean to her. She told me she loves me more than I know and that she didnt want me to forget that. I let her go.
I dont know what to do. I did backslide and berate her (by text) which is something she says is the main reason she cant be with me any longer. I am still DBing and showing tough love as far as doing things with her and for her.
I guess I feel that I am failing. I can't completly back away b/c of the kids and the constant transport schedule. Im lost.
She also made a point to ask me why all of a sudden I have been going out all of the time, she said she noticed the new cologne, new clothes, new sunglasses, new eyeglasses, the things i have done for my health.(lose weight, exercise. Etc)
And asked why I never did those things for her. I said that I understood how she felt but I should have done alot different when we were together. She said that she should have also but its too late now.
Man....i cant win
I know that I can be pretty verbally abusive when my wife doesnt take responsibility for her mistakes. It is a mechanism that I have, to try to elicit a response from her that never comes. Funny thing is...I am not that way with the kids. This is a problem I am working through in therapy, but obviously I am not better yet.
I guess I need to decide what I am gonna do. I would love to have her back but my view of her is so different these days. Somedays I feel that I am so much better off without her and her deception....others I miss my old life with her...miss my friend.
Based on recent posts, sounds to me like the DB approach has been working. Your WW has been noticing the new, improved HurtJef. I know it's hard, but try to avoid the backslides. Don't give her excuses to justify why she left. I don't think you've made any mistakes that can't be corrected, but stick to the DB plan from now on. If you get to a point where WW reaches out, and wants to work on things, then you will have to make a decision. I wouldn't rush it right now. Keep working on you, and let the rest unfold as it will.
Hello HurtJef,
I'm so sorry for the situation you are in.
Don't be too hard on yourself. You had a setback, recognized it and can now get yourself back on track.
Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004
Thanks DWH and cristy.
Its so hard to be nice to her, knowing what I know now. I still love her very much. I guess I'm caught between being tough and being nice. When I am tough on her she plays the I am mean card, when i am nice....she tries to take advantage it seems.
I know Sandi promotes "tough love" when dealing with WWs but it feels like more of the same.
And as far as my changes go....it seems to anger her more than anything. She really thinks I am being selfish....or so she says.
HJ ...
You are to much in her head and not into your own ... know what I mean?
Your actions, what you do and do not do .. should be about you and only you. They should not be lived according to what your W wnats/does not want .. says/does not say. Its not GAL as long as W approves ... its GAL for YOU .. you have to detach. She is seeing you do this and called you out on it crying "why did'nt you do this with me" ... the DB generic reply is "I would do alot of things differently" and thats it ... no pursuit or COme back to me so I can prove it .... she has to learn your changes are for you and not as a trick to win her back .... you have to learn this same thing and live it.
The tough love thing .. yeah .. that's about getting your self esteem back and the WW learning to respect you as a man again .. its critical
Thanks Cali
I understand and that is what I said to her....i would have done alot differently.
I didnt ask her to come home.
If she did come home...i would be more miserable.
I know its a process and can take years to heal myself but it was a rough few days.
Ok...been a few days since my last post. Just trying to detox and keep busy GAL!
WW had the kids Thurs, Fri. So thursday I went out to eat with my Mom. Last night went out with some buddies. Did some kareoke....never done that before and had alot of fun! They were handing out novelty items to the participents and I got a bear claw bottle opener.
I immediately thought of my WW as she collects bear nick nacks.
So WW dropped off the kids this morning and asked what I did last night. I just told her that I went out with friends and had a good time. Then I gave her the bottle opener. She loved it...and asked how did you get it? I told her about the kareoke and her mood changed to negative. She said I cant believe you are doing all this stuff now. I just told her that I am trying new things and left it at that.
She left. After she was gone, I went outside and noticed she left the bottle opener sitting on the chair on my porch. Oh well. I guess she doesnt want it.
Ok....been awhile since my last post but wanted to post an update and ask for some advice.
First, things with WW are pretty much limited to the kids. No more R talks and I am feeling pretty detatched. I feel that "drama fatigue" has helped me turn the corner. Also realizing the type of person my WW is has helped me step back and look at things from the outside. I still have difficult moments, usually after interaction with Ww but not in a "missing her" way, more in a "please go away" way.
The sitch right now is....My sd15 is struggling in her relationship with her mom. She is showing signs of rebellion with me as well. Younger kids seem to be doing better but still hate the swapping and two places. OM is around all of the time and has started doing things with my kids, much to sd15s and d8s chagrin.
My WW has been making comments to me insinuating that I am seeing someone else, and doing it in a snarky negative way. I do not indulge this behavior and ignore it completely. It isn't true and i find her hypocracy ridiculous.
I pretty much am staying the course....GALing and feeling pretty good about things. Gotten a few offers for dates which has helped my self esteem, but not something i am ready for.
Now....I have a question. My WW is having surgery tomorrow morning to remove a fatty cyst on her lower back. It is outpatient, and should not be too big a deal.
Should I reach out to her to let her know that I am thinking about her tomorrow? Or just let it go and let the day pass without acknowledging her surgery? I dont wanna be an a hole. I don't wanna be mistaken for pursuing either.
My WW has been making comments to me insinuating that I am seeing someone else, and doing it in a snarky negative way. I do not indulge this behavior and ignore it completely. It isn't true and i find her hypocracy ridiculous.
I wouldnt ignore it. I think it was Cali that said that if W says something like that to say that youre in no position to be seeing anybody else right now and that you are using this time to work on yourself. And leave it at that.
Now....I have a question. My WW is having surgery tomorrow morning to remove a fatty cyst on her lower back. It is outpatient, and should not be too big a deal.
Should I reach out to her to let her know that I am thinking about her tomorrow? Or just let it go and let the day pass without acknowledging her surgery? I dont wanna be an a hole. I don't wanna be mistaken for pursuing either.
What would you send a neighbor you know kinda well?
Thanks for responding Azzork
As far as her comments go, your suggestion has been the approach i was taking for awhile. It either seems that she doesn't believe me or just wants to be a jerk.
Its gotten to the point that I am tired of it and her "craziness" that I am not going to indulge her poking me. It is not her business anymore and she is gonna think what she thinks anyways. I am not doing anything to invoke these comments. Besides....Its not my job to make her feel better about things anymore, also, she has told me that she thinks that I should start dating, although I am not ready for that.
About her surgury, I guess to a neighbor, I would just send a text saying that I hope everything went well. Very to the point and done.
I would love to know how Sandi feels about this stuff. Of course I need as much advice as I can get from anyone who wants to share their opinion.
Sounds to me like you're doing great. I agree on the surgery. Just a quick message wishing her well, or something along those lines. The hypocrisy on dating is ridiculous, but seems to be standard script for a WW. I think you're probably doing the right thing when ignoring the spew if she brings it up. Now, if she politely asks if you've been dating, you could give a courteous reply along the lines suggested earlier. That you're too busy, not ready, working on yourself, etc.
The detachment really is a wonderful thing, and makes life so much more bearable, and even pleasant at times. You and I have similar time lines as far as when our WW left, and I am just now reaching a point of detachment where I can enjoy life again. Still not easy, but tolerable and getting a little better every day. It's sort of ironic that I feel in some ways I am switching emotional spots with my WW. I was totally miserable for the first few months, while she seemed overall happy, relieved with her decision, enjoying life. In fact, that made me feel even worse, seeing how little she seemed to care. But I'm getting to the point I'm questioning if I want her back, and from what little interaction I have and hear about her, she doesn't seem to be in a good place at all. She has regular fights with the OM she lives with, is always stressed about money, and seems to be having more regrets about her choices all the time.
We just have to keep DBing, doing what's best for ourselves and kids, and leave it in God's hands.
Thanks for the feedback DWH
Yes I agree with you about the detachment. I am really enjoying my time with my kids as well as my free time with myself and/or my friends. It has gotten to the point of avoidance of my WW as much as I can....not b/c I don't love her anymore but b/c she really tries to bait me into her misery all of the time. She is struggling from what I understand, financially and with our kids.
She has never been alone in her life and now has been drowned in her responsibilities that I always took care of. Last weekend, she even called me to come over her house to "calm down" our d3 who was throwing a tantrum. I didn't go and offered to talk to d3 over the phone. WW got angry and hung up.
In a serious situation I would have been there but WW needs to be a mom and learn how to handle a 3 year olds tantrum on her own.
This is just an example of the many instances of BS she has been trying with me. She has also taken food out of my freezer to her house to feed the kids because she has no money for groceries. Yet she still drinks and gambles apparently. These things have become funny to me and really turn me off to any interaction with her.
Anyone else with some advice about how to handle my WWs surgury tomorrow?
Just curious, how did the surgery go and how did you respond to it? Hope all is well with you.
Shotgun,
Thanks for asking. Sorry, the last few days have been a wirlwind and I have backslid into a depression.
Here is the update.
Tuesday my SD15 had a huge tantrum b/c I took away her cellphone for not answering it when I was trying to get ahold of her. She actually got physical with me and I had to go sit in my car in order to get away from her.
Called my WW b/c my sd wanted to leave and go to her moms. Of course WW gave me a hard time b/c I didn't come to her house to calm down d3 on Sunday.
UGH!
Wednesday I got a call from child services that my SD was called down to her guidance counselor b/c someone called and said she was being abused by her father(me). She told them this grand story about me beating her with a frying pan.
My WW called me freaking out, (rightfully so) and I assured her we would get to the bottom of this, and how it wasnt true.
I got home and child services rep was there talking to my WW and daughter. My WW was sticking up for me as we have never hit our kids other than an occasional spanking. The social worker checked sd15 for marks and there wasnt any. Meanwhile my head was spinning. While we were being interviewed, my sd15s phone started vibrating in my WW's pocket. She pulled it out and saw that it was SD15s boyfriend asking what happened and if they took me to jail.
My SD then tried to physically take the phone from my WW, and then took off out the door and ran.
The social worker said that all of this was obviously a ploy by sd15 to try and get me in trouble for some reason. She said that there was not a safety issue or care issue and offered her help to get SD in therapy.
My WW went and found my SD at her boyfriends house and had to get the police involved to get her back b/c BFs mom was hiding SD in her house.
Meanwhile, I am at home sinking into a depression wondering how two people that I love so much could betray me so bad.
My sd spent the night at my MILs b/c she refused to come home.
Thursday....WW went in for surgury...I texted and said that I hope all goes well...got a simple thanks back. Then she asked how I was feeling after the whole SD thing. I texted that I didn't want to talk about it. She left it at that. Until later.
WW texted around noon and said that the lump is a tumor. They need to put her under and postponed surgury until next month. Of course this upsets me...for obvious reasons. I called her just to tell her that I will pray and keep me posted. She didnt seem to upset.
Later on Thursday WW calls me. She tells me that she got into SDs phone and read SD and BF messages. Turns out that the abuse claim was all a plan so that SD would have to live at WWs. Reason being, BF has been sneaking over late nights after WW falls asleep and having sex with my SD. They wanted that to be a more common occurrence apparently.
As WW is telling me this, I am sliding into more of a depression. I didn't know what to say. WW started yelling at me to let her in....that she is here to comfort me during this. I felt sick. I told her that I didn't want her comfort and that I would appreciate some space while I deal with this betrayal.
This didnt sit well with her. She told me that I was turning my back on my daughter and leaving this all in her lap. I told her that I wasnt but I wasnt gonna be treated this way by her either. Ww told me to grow the F up and hung up on me.
When I got home....ww was there waiting to talk to me. She tried to hug me and hold my hand multiple times and I pushed her away. She left upset. I told her that I am open to talking about SD but not about my feelings to WW.
Friday I heard nothing all day...texted WW to see if she picked up SD from school. She said that she was at work and SD was taking the bus to my house so sd could watch the younger kids when they got home. I was mad. After all of this she was trusting my sd to be home alone for an hour before my younger kids got home.....without a phone to boot!
I called my MIL and she went over there.
WW picked up the kids without saying a word to me. I went over a friends house to lick my wounds. Around midnight I got an alert that My WW emptied her checking account at the local casino ATM. Apparently she got a babysitter and went out with friends. Ok.
Saturday....WW texts me to pick up the kids at 10am. She is supposed to have them until she goes to work at 6. She said she had things to do. Told her that I was sorry but I wasnt home and would pick them up around 3. I also told her that i would pick them up between 3 and 4 from now on for my Saturdays with them.
She responded with spew, saying that she has been very easy on me and that I should pick them up whenever she asks me to. I reiterated that from now on...3 or 4.
Picked them up at 3. WW sent the kids out and I didnt see her. Haven't heard a peep since.
Had a long talk with SD. She said that she was desperately sorry that she hurt me. I told her that I loved her and that we will work through this but she needs to earn my trust back.
This morning WW showed up to pick up D3 driving OMs car.
I am still very depressed
I am so concerned for my children. They are really struggling with the back and forth and OM being around all of the time. My D8 woke up last night and came into bed with me. She told me that she had a nightmare that I was gone and she couldn't find me. My S6 and D3 have been so overwhelmingly emotional and clingy. I feel like I can't comfort them enough. My WW said to me a couple of weeks ago that at least they dont have to hear us fighting anymore. I don't know how much more I can take.....I am trying to be strong for my kids while WW lives like a sorority sister and I feel like I am failing.
Journaling.
Yesterday I found out from WW that she is having some issues with her overy and cysts. She only has one b/c she had problems when she was younger and had it removed. She texted me and said she was in extreme pain and was bleeding worse than her period. We have been through this before, many times in fact. Usually once a year we would end up in the ER and they would tell her a cyst burst and give her some pain meds.
This time though.....I am not there to hold her hand. She is trying to get support out of me even to the point of her saying she is getting a hysterectomy.(something that her doctor and I were against). I have been supportive by just telling her that I hope everything is ok.
Yesterday, I got a text outta the blue saying, "I know it doesn't really matter but I was making dinner and heard some of our old songs, brought back some really good memories."
I kinda thought this was temp checking so I didn't respond til this morning. I just validated by saying..." I have good memories too" and left it at that. Not sure if I handles this well but tries to take a step back and look at it as not meaning anything.
Feeling down.....ready to give up. Hearing from my children about OM is too much to take.
Ugh. Jeff, I feel so bad for you. I can see how much pain you are in. There's nothing to say, but sorry, and you're not alone. I know how much it hurts to have OM in the picture and kids dealing with him. My WW moved out 6 months ago and went straight to OM. She's been living there since and pushing hard the entire time to have our kids accept him. My poor S8 has watched her go into the bedroom many times where he knows OM sleeps, and close the door. He has asked me about it a few times, but now just seems to take it for granted.
It's hard enough when your W bails on the family, but to continuously push the acceptance of a new man during this already painful time launches you into a whole new level of He11. I can't offer much advice that you have not heard many times before. Detachment is the key. Like you, I was really suffering for a long time. The past few weeks have gotten a lot better. Focus on GAL activities, and do your best to work on yourself. I know it isn't easy. Be there for your kids, and don't put down your WW or OM in front of them. They are young now, but will eventually figure this all out for themselves. You need to be the strong, stable, loving parent; you are the only sane one they have. That thought has kept me going many times, when I felt I was ready to give up.
Not sure if you are a spiritual or faithful man, but turning to a higher power can yield miraculous results. You have to accept that you cannot control WW, and when you drop that rope, and truly believe that there is a greater plan at work here, it becomes easier to get through the day. I really hope that things start to turn around for you, but the key is going to be you deciding to focus on yourself and those wonderful kids. Leave your WW to her own devices. Stay strong, and keep posting. We all know your pain, and wishing the best for you going forward.
Praying for you HurtJeff. You are living a nightmare. There is no way to ease the kind of pain that you must be experiencing. It is very helpful to me to exercise when I am dealing with high levels of emotional pain. Do you have a therapist? I can't imagine going through this without one. Know that your situation is extreme and no one expects you to handle it with grace. Just do your best and realize that you can only control yourself. Eat right, exercise, develop your brain, get really busy. God bless you!