Five months in ... - 07/16/15 07:36 AM
I have been struggling with this for the past five months. I spent a good portion of today reading up on Caliguy's situation and I must tip my hat to him. I have been hanging out around these forums for a couple of months now. Reading up on everyone else's situation, but never posting my own. I've been unsure how to go about this, but after reading his account of what has been happening -- and more importantly his approach, I find myself finally able to post something here.
My wife and I have been together for twenty years and married for nineteen of them. We have four kids together, S20, S18, S16, and D12. About three years ago my wife started to develop a friendship with one of her co-workers. I have been a jealous man in the past and the start of this relationship started ringing alarm bells in my head. It was innocent enough at first, but when I told my wife that this relationship made me uncomfortable, it seemed to only make her want to cling to this guy more. (I have also had control issues in the past and was controlling at this time as well).
Fast forward a few years. He moved to California and had returned. My wife had a new job and assisted him in getting a job with her. This helped to create mounting tension here at home, but at this point I realized my marriage was in trouble. It was at this point I started reflecting on the type of husband I had been and the type of husband that I wanted to be. I found myself initiating fewer and fewer fights, we would still fight but by and large it was her spewing anger at me and me attempting to logically defend my position. I moved completely away from the circular type arguments (the you did this, well I did that because you did this type).
I continued down this path, but was unable to fully let go of the jealousy. We talked about her affair 2-3 times per week and I was driving her mad with it. October of last year she started to develop a habit of disappearing for most of the day. It wasn't all the time, generally one day every two weeks. Toward the end of December, she finally quit her job and I became a bit hopeful that we could get through this.
The disappearing didn't stop. I knew she was still in contact with him. I believe she was disappearing to see the OM and go apartment hunting with him. On 02/19/2015 she left. She said she was only leaving for a few days and that she would be back after the weekend was over. I got a message from her on a popular social media site that said she wanted to be with him and that she wasn't coming home. She come back on 2/23 to discuss things with me and the kids. The kids were furious and I was desperate. We arranged for her to come stay at home with us 2 days a week, with the intent of working on our marriage.
This arrangement lasted until April. Her father fell ill and I ended up paying for all of us to go out to California to see him. Throughout this time, I brought up R talks far too frequently and when we returned, she was no longer coming by for the 2 nights a week. It turned into a few hours a week. We have been moving forward with this a little bit at a time, but I am unable to stop the R talks completely.
At this point I am seeing a therapist for help with the problems I see in myself. Working toward being a better husband and a better man. I have reached a point now where I feel like my marriage is dead. My hope is that is possesses phoenix-like qualities and can rise from the ashes. I understand that in order for that to happen, I need to stop with the R talks.
After reading these forums, I believe I can identify where I am going wrong in the DB approach. (I recently picked up that book and it makes a lot of sense to me.)
* Detachment is a bear. I have done a bit better since I accepted that my marriage is over, but she is still in my head far too much.
* I need to stop with the R talks. My hope is that by reaching out for support here will give me a bit of an outlet for them. I have gone five months with virtually no one to talk to.
* I believe I need to work on GAL more. Thus far I have gone from a part-time student with a part-time job to one full-time job, one part-time job, and I am a part-time student. (Working on my BS in Computer Science and am nearly done!) Starting last week I have forced myself to start seeing my friends more. During my marriage I spent almost no time with them because I wanted to work on things at home.
* I haven't seen this specifically mentioned in the rules, but I am very much a "fix-it" type of guy. When something is wrong, I try to accumulate as much information as possible and make the decisions that I think will solve the problem ... I think this is a major part of my detachment problem.
That's all I can think of at the moment. Sorry about the wall of text. I'm open to any and all advice at this point and I just want to say thanks to the people that created this board. I feel like what little progress I have seen in my marriage is due to the tidbits of wisdom one can find all over this board. You all are incredible people with a lot of insight.
My wife and I have been together for twenty years and married for nineteen of them. We have four kids together, S20, S18, S16, and D12. About three years ago my wife started to develop a friendship with one of her co-workers. I have been a jealous man in the past and the start of this relationship started ringing alarm bells in my head. It was innocent enough at first, but when I told my wife that this relationship made me uncomfortable, it seemed to only make her want to cling to this guy more. (I have also had control issues in the past and was controlling at this time as well).
Fast forward a few years. He moved to California and had returned. My wife had a new job and assisted him in getting a job with her. This helped to create mounting tension here at home, but at this point I realized my marriage was in trouble. It was at this point I started reflecting on the type of husband I had been and the type of husband that I wanted to be. I found myself initiating fewer and fewer fights, we would still fight but by and large it was her spewing anger at me and me attempting to logically defend my position. I moved completely away from the circular type arguments (the you did this, well I did that because you did this type).
I continued down this path, but was unable to fully let go of the jealousy. We talked about her affair 2-3 times per week and I was driving her mad with it. October of last year she started to develop a habit of disappearing for most of the day. It wasn't all the time, generally one day every two weeks. Toward the end of December, she finally quit her job and I became a bit hopeful that we could get through this.
The disappearing didn't stop. I knew she was still in contact with him. I believe she was disappearing to see the OM and go apartment hunting with him. On 02/19/2015 she left. She said she was only leaving for a few days and that she would be back after the weekend was over. I got a message from her on a popular social media site that said she wanted to be with him and that she wasn't coming home. She come back on 2/23 to discuss things with me and the kids. The kids were furious and I was desperate. We arranged for her to come stay at home with us 2 days a week, with the intent of working on our marriage.
This arrangement lasted until April. Her father fell ill and I ended up paying for all of us to go out to California to see him. Throughout this time, I brought up R talks far too frequently and when we returned, she was no longer coming by for the 2 nights a week. It turned into a few hours a week. We have been moving forward with this a little bit at a time, but I am unable to stop the R talks completely.
At this point I am seeing a therapist for help with the problems I see in myself. Working toward being a better husband and a better man. I have reached a point now where I feel like my marriage is dead. My hope is that is possesses phoenix-like qualities and can rise from the ashes. I understand that in order for that to happen, I need to stop with the R talks.
After reading these forums, I believe I can identify where I am going wrong in the DB approach. (I recently picked up that book and it makes a lot of sense to me.)
* Detachment is a bear. I have done a bit better since I accepted that my marriage is over, but she is still in my head far too much.
* I need to stop with the R talks. My hope is that by reaching out for support here will give me a bit of an outlet for them. I have gone five months with virtually no one to talk to.
* I believe I need to work on GAL more. Thus far I have gone from a part-time student with a part-time job to one full-time job, one part-time job, and I am a part-time student. (Working on my BS in Computer Science and am nearly done!) Starting last week I have forced myself to start seeing my friends more. During my marriage I spent almost no time with them because I wanted to work on things at home.
* I haven't seen this specifically mentioned in the rules, but I am very much a "fix-it" type of guy. When something is wrong, I try to accumulate as much information as possible and make the decisions that I think will solve the problem ... I think this is a major part of my detachment problem.
That's all I can think of at the moment. Sorry about the wall of text. I'm open to any and all advice at this point and I just want to say thanks to the people that created this board. I feel like what little progress I have seen in my marriage is due to the tidbits of wisdom one can find all over this board. You all are incredible people with a lot of insight.
