I attend a Divorce Support Group, as I've mentioned before. This is someting from the group (daily e-mail) I'd like to share with all:
Divorce is like a tornado—ripping through your life, threatening to destroy everything in its path. The emotional whirlwinds bring fear, confusion, and despair, affecting you, your children, family members, and friends. You will likely wonder Why did this storm hit my life and why does it hurt so much?
Dr. Jim A. Talley says, “The reality is that divorce is the most painful thing you can go through because it impacts so much of your life. There’s no way around or easy way out. And everybody is looking for a painless way out of this whole situation.”
Bob
mahhty
I still have to go back to my texts with my W and look at your comments.
I'm heading to the Divorce Support Group soon.
i hope everyone on this forum is hanging in there!
Bob
I attend a Divorce Support Group, as I've mentioned before. This is someting from the group (daily e-mail) I'd like to share with all:
Divorce is like a tornado—ripping through your life, threatening to destroy everything in its path. The emotional whirlwinds bring fear, confusion, and despair, affecting you, your children, family members, and friends. You will likely wonder Why did this storm hit my life and why does it hurt so much?
Dr. Jim A. Talley says, “The reality is that divorce is the most painful thing you can go through because it impacts so much of your life. There’s no way around or easy way out. And everybody is looking for a painless way out of this whole situation.”
Bob
Thanks for sharing, Bob. The pain is triple the tornado when it's done unilaterally by the WAS without TRYING every available tool/resource before calling it quits.
I would also add that Dr. Tally is dead wrong when he says that "everybody is looking for a painless way out of this whole situation"...instead, he should qualify that the WAS is looking for a painless way to end the M.
As if a D is all cotton candy and popsicles in their minds.
Thanks for sharing, Bob. The pain is triple the tornado when it's done unilaterally by the WAS without TRYING every available tool/resource before calling it quits.
I would also add that Dr. Tally is dead wrong when he says that "everybody is looking for a painless way out of this whole situation"...instead, he should qualify that the WAS is looking for a painless way to end the M.
As if a D is all cotton candy and popsicles in their minds.
Thank You Wonka! That is exactly what I needed to hear tonight.
You're welcome Wonka -- I agree with you.
Wonka and Joe, thank you both for your time and posting.
Joe, I needed to hear that from Wonka, too.
BTW, Wonka, Sunday it will be 1 week on no contact with my WAW.
Try to take care, please!
Bob
Wonka, or anyone familiar with my sitch,
One thing I know my WAW fell in love with me about was my sense of humor. I can't think of many funny things lately, I'm sure you all can relate.
I have a question: Since my W said that I became "smothering" do you feel the next time I contact my W (at least a few more days staying dark) it would be appropriate to forward a meme (a cartoon that tells a story) to her that reads as follows:
Husband:
I’ve been thinking . . .
I’m the man of this house, so starting tomorrow I want you to have a hot, delicious meal ready for me the second I walk through that door . . .
Afterwards, while watching ESPN and relaxing in my chair, you’ll bring me my slippers and then run my bath…And when I’m done with my bath, guess who’s going to dress me and comb my hair?
Wife's simple reply:
The funeral director.
Then on the bottom it reads:
Well Played!
I'd love to hear everyone's thoughts. My idea is to try to rebuild (slowly) with a little humor. Could this backfire on me by reminding her of why she left? I guess there's always a risk on anything we say, do or send to our WAW.
Bob
Bob, I don't think this is a good idea. Best to put thoughts of contacting your W in the near future - about anything other than essentials - out of your mind. And I wouldn't start sending little jokes either.
I think in your sitch with the smothering feedback, you may well be best to stay dark for a little while. Do some stuff for yourself and focus on building up your own life. Stop worrying about what might be the best approach with your W, don't count days of NC and so on - just live your life....
Yup...counting in my "aye" here to Toots. Chillax, Bob!
Bob, I don't think this is a good idea. Best to put thoughts of contacting your W in the near future - about anything other than essentials - out of your mind. And I wouldn't start sending little jokes either.
I think in your sitch with the smothering feedback, you may well be best to stay dark for a little while. Do some stuff for yourself and focus on building up your own life. Stop worrying about what might be the best approach with your W, don't count days of NC and so on - just live your life....
Hi Toots,
Thank you so much! Your advice is (I feel) always so good,
I will follow your recommendations -- they make good sense in my sitch.
Thank you for saving me from myself.
BTW, how are you?
Yup...counting in my "aye" here to Toots. Chillax, Bob!
Hi Wonka,
How are you? Both you and Toots always give good advice, and since you agreed with Toots, it's a no-brainer for me now.
As I posted to Toots.....thank you for saving me from myself!
I always appreciate you keeping up with my situation and stepping in with solid advice.
I will 'Chillax."
Bob
You're welcome Bob. I'm doing pretty well thanks....just posted an update on my thread in Infidelity....just tootling along ya know
Hi Bob I feel you are rushing at the problem and that's not what's going to work for you. As toots has posted , you need to step back , let W make all the running you can't speed this up All Bob can do is work on Bob.
Please listen Bob. Patience is your new best friend and he's very hard to get on with but he will stand to you in the long run You have told us that your W considers you smothering. Think on this.
Positive thoughts Rd
You're welcome Bob. I'm doing pretty well thanks....just posted an update on my thread in Infidelity....just tootling along ya know
Toots,
I will check your thread in a few minutes. I'm happy to hear you are doing pretty well.
Take care of yourself, ok?
Bob
Hi Bob I feel you are rushing at the problem and that's not what's going to work for you. As toots has posted , you need to step back , let W make all the running you can't speed this up All Bob can do is work on Bob.
Please listen Bob. Patience is your new best friend and he's very hard to get on with but he will stand to you in the long run You have told us that your W considers you smothering. Think on this.
Positive thoughts Rd
Rd,
You are so terrific and correct! I am rushing at the problem.
I will continue to work on myself. I enjoy it (working on myself not the D) because I find it a challenge and I like learning new things about myself -- even flaws.
Rd, thank you so much for your time and wisdom.
How are you holding up?
Bob
Hi All,
TenBook can really use our help!
I am not a bible expert, but I added this to a post in TenBook's thread moments ago. Of course, I am still struggling and sad, but this bible verse really helps me:
“‘For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the LORD, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future’” (Jeremiah 29:11).
Regards,
Bob
There was a power outage in the subdivision I live in tonight. It brought back bittersweet memories of one time when this happened back when my wife and I were soulmates.
Right now I am so sad and I'm sticking with staying dark and I have not heard from my wife in about a week.
Another reason I'm sad is I realized tomorrow will be exactly 6 months that she walked out on me. Happy anniversary, right?
Anybody who happens to see my post I could really use your prayers.
Good night.
Bob
Bob, I'm not a very religious person. I've been thinking about it religion a lot lately. In fact, I may join a friend of mine and his family at church next Sunday.
Religious or not, you're in my thoughts. I read you posts daily. I assure you, if I start to pray again you'll be in them.
Closer,
Ever heard the saying "there are no atheists in a foxhole "?
I'll be praying for y'all!
I'm not atheist. STBX is an atheists, so is her OM. I'm Catholic, but I haven't been to church since college.
Hello Closer2 and bravo61,
Thank you both very much for your support and checking on my sitch! I feel a little better already knowing you care.
I was raised Catholic myself and wouldn't really consider myself a "religious" person either. I hardly ever go to church, but going thru this separation and D nonsense, I feel has pulled me closer to God.
How are the two of you doing?
Again, thank you both and I hope you have a wonderful Sunday.
Bob
A little update:
No word from my WAW since Tuesday (a venom-filled text about our taxes) and I am staying dark!
If I hear from her, I'll post her VM or text but will not respond.
Bob
Stay strong Bob. You will be happy again. Take care. Rd
Hey Bob! Sorry your recent contact with your W was so venom filled. Seems like a lot of people in the situation do get pulled closer to God.
I know my W was never religious but she wanted to be. I never supported her enough to do so though. Now even though I feel like I can forgive her in the most religious sense of the word, she doesn't seem to be able to do the same.
I wonder if the closer to God the WAS is the easier it is to get to reconciliation with them.
Hopefully the venom levels will drop off over future interactions with your W.
Stay strong Bob. You will be happy again. Take care. Rd
Rd,
What would I do without you and all the others on this site?
Take care, too!
Bob
Hey Bob! Sorry your recent contact with your W was so venom filled. Seems like a lot of people in the situation do get pulled closer to God.
I know my W was never religious but she wanted to be. I never supported her enough to do so though. Now even though I feel like I can forgive her in the most religious sense of the word, she doesn't seem to be able to do the same.
I wonder if the closer to God the WAS is the easier it is to get to reconciliation with them.
Hopefully the venom levels will drop off over future interactions with your W.
Hey Miman2!
Thank you for taking time out of your day to reply and the kind comment. You have a very good question....I wonder if the closer to God the WAS is the easier it is to get to reconciliation with them?
I sure don't know the answer, but just taking a wild guess I would think so. My WAW doesn't believe in God. But, of course, none of us know for sure if it would make it easier to reconcile.
Although it's been 6 months to the day my W walked out, I am not giving up on our M and I have faith in God that he will lead me (us) in the right direction.
Take care of yourself, please.
Bob
Question for anyone out there, but especially the ladies:
I don't think I mentioned that the last time my WAW and I spoke (she called me last Sunday) she said she was "keeping a list of the bad behaviors I developed" so she wouldn't forget. I can't remember why it came up. I didn't respond to her at all.
It shocked me so much I'm just remembering to post it. Talk about a cold heart...wow.
So my question: Does my W (remember, she does suffer from MS/depression) sound like she's being vindicitve and trying to hurt me, or it that just my take on it?
Thank you.
Bob
So, smothering, needy, overly critical, demanding, and you trivialized her perspective/took away her voice. I can relate to some of these. RD is right about perception currently your wife only sees you as this person. She doesn't see you as the person who is supportive, caring, thoughtful and compassionate that we see.... Why? Go back and read the text exchange in the other thread... The one where I responded to each piece. You were all of these things and more and you didn't even know it.
Hello mahhhty,
I finally got around to looking back and found your post where you commented on a text I sent my W a few weeks ago. Here it is:
That text was PURSUING HER and it was NOT NICE.
We both have a part in this divorce. Seriously. You said that? Pursuing! By you saying it, she will never have to face this reality. B/C you are proving her RIGHT!
It's actually really sad for me to hear that you don't sound very happy. oh that will make her feel better. NOT!
Maybe I wasn't the entire cause of all your unhappiness? Couldn't the MS, ruptured disks, and migraine headaches have something to do with it too? I did my best to support a spouse with many physical ailments--something you'll probably never understand. SERIOUSLY!!!! CONDESCENDING! MEAN! AND ONE SIDED! Guess what the flip side of this is that YOU have NO IDEA WHAT IT IS LIKE FOR HER! For better or for worst. Right and Wrong DO NOT MATTER! You are digging yourself a hole!
I can look myself in the mirror and say that I did my best. What was the point of this statement? Who are you trying to convince? You or her?
I am still willing to try to work things out between us but it seems very obvious you made up your mind a long time ago. SHE LEFT! SHE MADE HER DECISION. Being MEAN and then saying this... What did you think would happen?
Silly me Condescending!!!! She is an adult. Treat her like one. Perhaps you should treat her as a coworker at this point.
I thought if I got the proper help you'd look back and be compassionate and understanding and realize that that wasn't the true Bob around the time you left. That is your game plan and you just told her it.
The great part of all of this is I feel so much better about myself and look forward to a wonderful future--with or without you. Do you? Really? You are a better Bob and feel so much better with your life? I would assume that you are lying.
Take care, please. Do you really mean that? Or where you being mean?
BOB - there are people on the message board, including me, that post their text messages and emails prior to reaching out. The reason for this is.... "We can't solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them." - ALBERT EINSTEIN. Meaning that the people who cause their problems, need to think differently, and not be haphazard and "off the cuff."Since that post of yours, I feel I have made some progress, as it really got me thinking in a different way, seeing things thru her eyes. And yes, I now see why my W perceives me as she does.
I needed a little "kick in the behind" and you gave it to mw - for my own good.
Thanks sir! I hope you are doing better.
Bob
Hi Bob - don't worry about the 'naughty list!' Who knows why she's keeping that...
To convince herself she needs to be apart from you?
To hurt you?
Because she loves keeping lists?
I would just let it be water off a duck's back and fluff out your tail feathers..
Keeping horrid little lists like that isn't the way to live a joyful life, and I think it is sad for your W that she is doing that. She has her own reasons - not ours to know.
Keep moving forwards Bob - you're doing great!
Hey there, buddy! How was your weekend?
Hi Bob - don't worry about the 'naughty list!' Who knows why she's keeping that...
To convince herself she needs to be apart from you?
To hurt you?
Because she loves keeping lists?
I would just let it be water off a duck's back and fluff out your tail feathers..
Keeping horrid little lists like that isn't the way to live a joyful life, and I think it is sad for your W that she is doing that. She has her own reasons - not ours to know.
Keep moving forwards Bob - you're doing great!
Hi Toots!
You are absolutely correct. I think it is sad that she is doing that, too.
How are you doing today?
Thanks for following up on my question.
Bob
Hey there, buddy! How was your weekend?
Hey Wonka, my friend, thank you so much for asking! It was kind of lonely but I kept as busy as possible (I was on this forum a lot and it helped). My Blackhawks are up 2 games to 1 over Nashville, so I'm happy about that! I am a huge hockey fan.
I still haven't made contact with my WAW. I wouldn't want you slapping your forehead and hurting yourself.
How was your weekend?
Bob
I got this text from a good friend of mine, Who knows our situation very well. He had my wife's name in there but I changed it to W, otherwise it is a copy and paste. I thought it was very nice of him to say and I found it encouraging. Yet I still don't think I want to give up on our M. Okay, here it is:
The most amazing thing happening, Bob, is you are addressing your personal issues. You are taking needed medication and you are learning more about yourself and how to handle interpersonal relationships. All of this is going to help you lead a happier, healthier, more balanced life. If your W is around to see your growth and change she will benefit from them.
If she truly wants out of the marriage there may well be someone new out there who will embrace the happier and improved Bob. Please keep the focus on helping yourself. You are the only one whose behavior you can change. I hope you come out of counseling with a stronger sense of who you are, what you have to offer and a commitment to maintain the strides you gain. My advice is to "keep on keeping on.” I wish you well and hope within another six months you are in a healthier, happier place in your life.
Bob,
I think that perfectly captures the journey you are on. It was very nice of your friend to support you in this way. Live the Serenity Prayer. Live your life. Do not mind read or pursue your W. Take responsibility for you, do not make excuses or provide explanations. Create a clear picture of the person you want to be and the life you want to live, then don't ever stop improving...
Bob,
I think that perfectly captures the journey you are on. It was very nice of your friend to support you in this way. Live the Serenity Prayer. Live your life. Do not mind read or pursue your W. Take responsibility for you, do not make excuses or provide explanations. Create a clear picture of the person you want to be and the life you want to live, then don't ever stop improving...
Hey mahhhty,
Thanks for checking in. How are you? Do you feel like you are moving forward?
Well, thank you as well for supporting me ever since I've been on this board. I don't think anyone has invested more time in my sitch than you.
Good advice, my friend. You are one of the best of the best on this board that I pray for nightly by name (nickname). I don't know if it will help, but it can't hurt, right?
Take care mahhhty and all.
Bob
Bob,
Wasn't that nice of your friend to text that to you? Sometimes we don't realize how much progress we make until an outsider makes some type of comment. Keep it up!
My weekend was good...busy with errands then vegged out in my jammies on Sunday. A rare day of relaxation.
I am going to suggest that you reach out W next week with a short, brief text asking how her health is and you're keeping her in your prayers. Short and sweet.
Bob,
Wasn't that nice of your friend to text that to you? Sometimes we don't realize how much progress we make until an outsider makes some type of comment. Keep it up!
My weekend was good...busy with errands then vegged out in my jammies on Sunday. A rare day of relaxation.
I am going to suggest that you reach out W next week with a short, brief text asking how her health is and you're keeping her in your prayers. Short and sweet.
Wonka,
It was nice of him! It is also nice to hear from you! I'm happy for you that your weekend was good and you had a day to relax. We all need that sometime.
This is a little "eerie..."
I am still at work but had a few spare minuts and logged in to ask if you (I don't want you slapping your forehead - LOL) or anyone else thought I should make brief contact with my W soon. You came to mind first . . . and here you are for me!
I won't reach out to her yet. I'm tempted, but I will continue to "chillax."
Bob - taking things 1 day at a time
All:
It's almost 1:30 AM in the Midwest and "my" Blackhawks won a 3OT thriller over the Nashville Predators 3-2. They are now up in their best of 7 series 3-1.
I jumped so high when the game winner was scored! It was a little bittersweet. Normally, my W would've done her best to stay up and watch it with me. If she couldn't hang in there, she would've heard my "OMG, Hawks win" when it was over.
But my glass is half full - Hawks Win!
Good night all.
Bob
It is my youngest D's b-day today - she is 19.
Wonka, I am SO thankful that you suggested I try contacting my W next week. If case anyone forgot (it is in my signature) we each have 3 children from previous marriages -- yes, the Brady Bunch! LOL
Anyway, yesterday I was thinking of texting my W today to say something like "I can't believe D is 19 today." Why would I even want to? Thinking it was something light, easy and fun. As I'm writing this, I have a feeling my W remembers her Step-D's b-day. I would've posted my idea on this forum first, but Wonka "beat me to the punch."
Journaling is helping. In doing so, I realized that my W probably would've felt like it was an excuse for me to contact her. Honestly, she'd be right.
So, you all are helping me more than you may realize!!
Thanks so much.
Bob
Bob,
I am going to play devil's advocate on the text idea. I think you need to always prepare ahead of time the best and worst case scenario.
Best Case: You send the text. She says thank you. Conversation ends or perhaps continues a few more cordial texts.
Worst Case: You send the text. She doesn't respond.
Even Worse: You send the text. She says thank you. Conversation continues and in the process, you pursue her, say something she doesn't like, or she just straight out disses you, and says something mean, "You will never change" or "This is why I left"
I think sending a nice text is fine, showing support in a positive way. However, BE PREPARED. She is a victim and you are the devil (no offense, you know I'm here for you). So sometimes not responding or cutting it short is appropriate and the best course of action.
I think sending a nice text is fine, showing support in a positive way. However, BE PREPARED. She is a victim and you are the devil (no offense, you know I'm here for you). So sometimes not responding or cutting it short is appropriate and the best course of action.
Hello Mahhhty,
I know exactly what you mean about me being "the devil." No offense taken at all.
Very good advice. I am going to wait until next week to contact her and ask how she is doing. Wonka is helping me with this.
What a good reminder to be prepared! She may try to draw me into an argument to test me.
You rock!
Thank you.
Bob
Bob I dont have any advice but just wanted you to know that I am somewhat following along, and that you seem to be doing well.
Also good job posting on others threads, you are a great example to other newbies about that.
Anyway, yesterday I was thinking of texting my W today to say something like "I can't believe D is 19 today." Why would I even want to? Thinking it was something light, easy and fun. As I'm writing this, I have a feeling my W remembers her Step-D's b-day. I would've posted my idea on this forum first, but Wonka "beat me to the punch."
Journaling is helping. In doing so, I realized that my W probably would've felt like it was an excuse for me to contact her. Honestly, she'd be right.
Yeah, good thing that you took the time to think this through first. So to summarize: no TEXTING for about 1 full week from today and on.
And don't you dare to blink first here...
I think sending a nice text is fine, showing support in a positive way. However, BE PREPARED. She is a victim and you are the devil (no offense, you know I'm here for you). So sometimes not responding or cutting it short is appropriate and the best course of action.
In Bob's sitch, you need to remember that his W has MS and other health issues. Please go back and see his W's email/text when she flat out told Bob "if you really care" when it came to her doctor's appt. I think it is important that Bob reach out and show concern for her wellbeing.
That is being decent and considerate. One cannot always stay dark alllll the time.
I only have to say one word: Thornton
Bob I dont have any advice but just wanted you to know that I am somewhat following along, and that you seem to be doing well.
Also good job posting on others threads, you are a great example to other newbies about that.
Hi Cadet,
Thank you for the encouragement and your kind words. I am happy to assist and very humbled by your comment.
Take care of yourself, please!
Bob
Yeah, good thing that you took the time to think this through first. So to summarize: no TEXTING for about 1 full week from today and on.
And don't you dare to blink first here...
I think sending a nice text is fine, showing support in a positive way. However, BE PREPARED. She is a victim and you are the devil (no offense, you know I'm here for you). So sometimes not responding or cutting it short is appropriate and the best course of action.
In Bob's sitch, you need to remember that his W has MS and other health issues. Please go back and see his W's email/text when she flat out told Bob "if you really care" when it came to her doctor's appt. I think it is important that Bob reach out and show concern for her wellbeing.
That is being decent and considerate. One cannot always stay dark alllll the time.
I only have to say one word: Thornton
Hello There Wonka!
Thank you for your additional points. I am happy you added them. I meant to add a little more when I replied to my buddy Mahhhty, but had to head into a meeting.
Question for you: What is the reference to Thornton about?
Thank you.
Bob
I only have to say one word: Thornton
He used to post here.
Thornton was a former poster here. That's all I am gonna say here.
In Bob's sitch, you need to remember that his W has MS and other health issues. Please go back and see his W's email/text when she flat out told Bob "if you really care" when it came to her doctor's appt. I think it is important that Bob reach out and show concern for her wellbeing.
That is being decent and considerate. One cannot always stay dark alllll the time.
Totally Agree!
My message is to only be prepared. She has caught Bob off guard previously.
I only have to say one word: Thornton
He used to post here.
I had a feeling that was the case.
Thank you Cadet!
Bob
Thornton was a former poster here. That's all I am gonna say here.
Wonka, thank you, too. For some reason, that was my guess.
Have a good evening Wonka!
Bob
In Bob's sitch, you need to remember that his W has MS and other health issues. Please go back and see his W's email/text when she flat out told Bob "if you really care" when it came to her doctor's appt. I think it is important that Bob reach out and show concern for her wellbeing.
That is being decent and considerate. One cannot always stay dark alllll the time.
Totally Agree!
My message is to only be prepared. She has caught Bob off guard previously.
How right Mahhhty is. My W has caught me off guard. Thanks for the great advice Wonka and Mahhhty! You are both such a huge help.
I saw my D1 (she's 22) tonight and sometimes marvel at what a great outlook she has on life. She lives with her Mom about 40 miles away. We try to meet weekly. My other 2 chldren are away at college. My D2 turned 19 today, so D1 snd I surprised her with a little "FaceTime."
With 3 of the BEST children in the world and this wonderful forum full of loving, caring people I will get thru this and haven't given up hope!
Good night all.
Bob
Something I came across and wanted to share with all. I learned it at the Divorce Support Group I attend. If you are feeling extra tired during your sitch, here's why:
Ideally, the amount of energy you expend each day is equally balanced across the physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual aspects of your life. But during and after a separation or divorce, your energy distribution is much different. As much as 85 percent of your energy can be diverted to dealing with the emotional upheaval, leaving only 15 percent to deal with all your physical, mental, and spiritual demands.
Bob
As much as 85 percent of your energy can be diverted to dealing with the emotional upheaval, leaving only 15 percent to deal with all your physical, mental, and spiritual demands.
This is why taking care of yourself is so important.
Putting your oxygen mask on and descending to an altitude with breathable air.
Our body tends to run on adrenalin during this time and we are quite susceptible to sickness or disease.
I know another LBS that just passed away and we are still waiting on an autopsy to find out why.
Her husband married the OW and had a child and it was just too much for her.
Thanks for posting this!
Hi Bob. Nice post. Your doing well mate. This is a long hard road and the end is unclear re the M. However the end is clear re Bob, you will recover from this , you will learn lessons from this and maybe you will be glad that this sitch gave you a chance to become the Bob you always wanted to. Take care Rd
This is why taking care of yourself is so important.
Putting your oxygen mask on and descending to an altitude with breathable air.
Our body tends to run on adrenalin during this time and we are quite susceptible to sickness or disease.
I know another LBS that just passed away and we are still waiting on an autopsy to find out why.
Her husband married the OW and had a child and it was just too much for her.
Thanks for posting this!
Hello Cadet,
You're very welcome, my pleasure!
That is so sad to hear about the LBS, but thank you for informing us.
Take care, please.
Bob
Hi Bob. Nice post. Your doing well mate. This is a long hard road and the end is unclear re the M. However the end is clear re Bob, you will recover from this , you will learn lessons from this and maybe you will be glad that this sitch gave you a chance to become the Bob you always wanted to. Take care Rd
Hi Rd,
Thank you for the compliment and encouragement! You are always there for me.
I agree with you. I certainly had (have) areas to work on. I truly feel much better about myself, and stronger and more confident.
If it weren't for you, and the others on this forum, I don't know if I could've found the strength or desire to keep working on myself.
Yes, who knows where the M will end up. I haven't given up hope!!
How are you doing?
Take care.
Bob
Hi Bob. Just thought I'd say thanks for your support. I read your threads and I hope you know that we are brother in arms.
Hi Bob. Just thought I'd say thanks for your support. I read your threads and I hope you know that we are brother in arms.
Hi TB,
You are most welcome! I, too, feel like we are brothers in arms.
Thank you for your support as well.
Somehow, we will get thru this nonsense. Hang in there, okay?
Bob
Don't worry Bob, if I have to visit you in the midwest and drag you out for GAL, I will.
Don't worry Bob, if I have to visit you in the midwest and drag you out for GAL, I will.
Hi TenBook,
LOL!!!
It would be a pleasure, that is a nice thought.
Please keep your positive attitude TB! I love it.
Regards,
Bob
Just a little journaling...
In many threads, there is talk about how a certain song can bring tears to us, make us remember good times and smile, etc. What song do I hear on the radio coming home from work tonight? Wild Horses by the Rolling Stones. I'll be okay, but I did have tears in my eyes, especially this verse:
"I watched you suffer a dull aching pain
Now you've decided to show me the same
No sweeping exit or offstage lines
Could make me feel bitter or treat you unkind
Wild horses couldn't drag me away"I think those of you who have been following my sitch know why it brought tears to my eyes.
I still love my W so much.
I am not giving up hope, and will continue to work on myself and post here as often as I can.
I love you all out there!
Bob
Finally got caught up with all your threads Bob, for the most part it seems your doing well. Just have to watch the pressure you give off when texting and how often you want to text. I see from a few pages back it was stated you do have good reasons for texting W, just be careful not to deviate from those valid points into other matters. Keep it short and simple and focused on the health issues.
I found two more books I might be interested in reading going through your threads, so thanks
Keep moving forward.
Hi Bob. Sorry your down but things could be worse. Your learning about yourself and changing for the best Re the song thing , my W"s ringtone for when she called me was Barry Whites , My first , my last , my everything !!!!! When it comes on the radio , I switch it off.
Just things to test us Bob. We will overcome my friend , we will
Take care and positives thoughts to you. Rd
Finally got caught up with all your threads Bob, for the most part it seems your doing well. Just have to watch the pressure you give off when texting and how often you want to text. I see from a few pages back it was stated you do have good reasons for texting W, just be careful not to deviate from those valid points into other matters. Keep it short and simple and focused on the health issues.
I found two more books I might be interested in reading going through your threads, so thanks
Keep moving forward.
Hello Fogg,
As always, great to hear from you! The last time my W and I had any contact was 2 Tuesdays ago, when she sent me a venom-filled text about our taxes. I just let it go.
You may remember that Wonka suggested I text her sometime next week to ask about her health. That is my plan. If, she happens to make contact with me (call--I'll let it go to VM or text) I'll post what she said here before responding.
I'm happy you noticed the 2 books, and are interested in them. I have to get them myself--soon.
Let's both keep moving forward, deal?
Take care Fogg.
Bob
I got a song for you Bob...
All Things Must Pass by George Harrison. Especially the demo version where it's just him and the guitar.
I'm in the process of reading your thread my friend. I hope we're in touch soon. Keep your head up for the rest of the weekend.
Hi Bob. Sorry your down but things could be worse. Your learning about yourself and changing for the best Re the song thing , my W"s ringtone for when she called me was Barry Whites , My first , my last , my everything !!!!! When it comes on the radio , I switch it off.
Just things to test us Bob. We will overcome my friend , we will
Take care and positives thoughts to you. Rd
Hi Rd!
Thanks so much for checking in with me!
I never thought of it that way -- things to test us. Hmmm....I think you are right. Next time I hear it, I will turn off the radio or switch to another station.
Also, thank you for the kind words of encouragement. They really help. I have and still am learning about myself. Again, you are right!
I'll take the positive thoughts and also send them your way, my friend.
We'll catch up later. Take care of yourself, please.
Bob
I got a song for you Bob...
All Things Must Pass by George Harrison. Especially the demo version where it's just him and the guitar.
I'm in the process of reading your thread my friend. I hope we're in touch soon. Keep your head up for the rest of the weekend.
Hi RealMe,
Thank you, that is a very good song to keep in mind! Thank you for trying to catch up on my sitch. There are a lot of posts out there.
As I mentioned in someone else's thread (Diana's?) I think you are making good progress and it's good to get involved in other people's situations, it will help you, too.
Keep a stiff upper lip RealMe, we'll get thru this together.
Your friend,
Bob
A little journaling and a request for advice...
2 weeks ago today (Sunday) my W called to discuss our taxes and a few other D-related matters. The next Tuesday she sent me a venom-filled text about our tazes, which I never responded to. Neither one of us has contacted the other since. I've been tempted to, but took Wonka's advice to go into NC for a while.
I realize I mentioned the nasty text from her just yesterday, but it's getting close to the time Wonka suggested I send my W a brief text asking her about her health, and I agree.
I saw a posting by Toots today where she mentioned to someone that his W reminded her of her H. I am paraprhasing: Things seemed to be okay but it turned out Toots' H was internalizing what upset him and the resentment built. That's my W exactly!
Wonka, if you read this soon, please give me some idea as to how I should ask. If I simply ask her, "How are you feeling?" I'm afraid she will start with her health issues and then find a way to "slam" me by saying how much she hates me for our M getting to this point. I know...hate is better than apathy. I just don't want to blow this one.
Sandi mentions that women respect a man who shows no fear of his WW -- that she must see him standing tall and firm. Yet, here I am asking for advice on how to send what should be a simple text. Of course, she doesn't know this, and by not contacting her for at least 2 weeks now, I think she may be seeing a 180 on my part and hopefully, that I am getting stronger.
If you have read any of my posts from the last week or so, I truly do feel like I'm starting to finally understand how DB works and feel mentally stronger.
I still love her and miss her so much even though she pins all of this on me. I know I am not all to blame. That is never the case in any relationship breakup.
Happy Sunday All!
Bob
Of course she sees the 180 Bob. She feels it. Your actions are speaking louder than your words.
Of course she sees the 180 Bob. She feels it. Your actions are speaking louder than your words.
Hello RealMe,
Thank you so VERY much for your encouragement. I know you are going thru a very rough time. Thanks also for taking the time to check in on my sitch.
I'll check on you in a few minutes, my friend.
Bob
I saw a posting by Toots today where she mentioned to someone that his W reminded her of her H. I am paraprhasing: Things seemed to be okay but it turned out Toots' H was internalizing what upset him and the resentment built. That's my W exactly!
Remember one of Sandi's posts... Disrespect, Resentment, Rebellion. I believe most of us have seen some combination of this. I definitely was internalizing myself and so was my X.
As for the text, instead of asking Wonka. Why don't you take the first stab at it?
Bob,
You have completely embraced this board! I am reading compassionate, caring, supportive messages from you all over these forums. By listening, validating and supporting you are helping many people more than you know. These boards can be very cathartic. I think you probably know that better than me.
I'm very happy to have crossed paths with you.
Just stopping by to say hi. I read the thread and think you're doing fine. Just keep it up.
Don't stress so much about the text to the W. Use it to validate her concerns over her health and that you wanted to see how she's doing. Keep it simple and leave it at that.
You have completely embraced this board! I am reading compassionate, caring, supportive messages from you all over these forums. By listening, validating and supporting you are helping many people more than you know.
I 2nd this!
Hey Bob,
You sound stronger...and I am happy about that!
I realize I mentioned the nasty text from her just yesterday,Did W actually send you a text yesterday? What did she say? I wanted to be sure we are clear and not confused texts/emails from two weeks ago.
Wonka, if you read this soon, please give me some idea as to how I should ask. If I simply ask her, "How are you feeling?" I'm afraid she will start with her health issues and then find a way to "slam" me by saying how much she hates me for our M getting to this point.Don't go borrowing trouble or trying to mindread W at all. It is not good use of your head space. A light, breezy text like this would be good:
Hiya, W. I wanted to check in here...how did the doctor's visit go? I thought about you on that day. Hope you are doing better. Take care-BobYou can adjust to fit with your style. Don't take it personally if W gets mad or spews. She's obviously struggling a lot with her MS and other health issues. That has to be a challenge for her.
Mahhhty. Sherman and Wonka,
You guys are all fantastic! I just finished reading your posts and I have tears in my eyes--happy tears!
Mahhhty, thank you for the compliment about embracing this board. For quite a while I read others' situations but was afraid to post. You were the one that got me to see even simple words of encouragement help others. Also, I agree with you that I should take a stab at the text first...although Wonka did give me a good start.
Sherman, your comments and taking the time to go through my situation means so much to me. Thank you sir!
Wonka, the venom-filled text I was talking about was almost 2 weeks ago. Sorry for the confusion. Neither one of us has contacted the other since then. Basically, at the end of her text, she threw it in my face that half of the return is hers when she knows I already know that. Thank you for the sample text. I was thinking something quick and non-committal.
I will put my draft text message on this board as soon as I have decided what I want to send her.
I don't know where I'd be without the loving, caring people on this forum!!
Bob
Hiya, W. I wanted to check in here...how did the doctor's visit go? I thought about you on that day. Hope you are doing better. Take care-Bob
You can adjust to fit with your style. Don't take it personally if W gets mad or spews. She's obviously struggling a lot with her MS and other health issues. That has to be a challenge for her.
All.
What do you think of this? I like Wonka's "Hiya" to start out. It sounds care-free and I don't use it often. The only thing I wonder about is where I ask her if there's anything I can do to help. That could open up a can of worms. Am I being negative thinking that way? Finally, here is my
draft text:
“Hiya W. I wanted to check in here...how did the follow-up doctor's visit go? I thought about you on that day. I know that stress can make flare-ups worse, let me know if there's anything I can do to help. Hope you are doing better.”Thumbs up? Thumbs down?
Thank you all.
Bob
“Hiya W. I just wanted to check in with you, and ask how the follow-up doctor's visit went? I thought about you on that day. I know that stress can make flare-ups worse, let me know if there's anything I can do to help. Hope you are doing better.”
I just suggested amending the first sentence. Now remember, don't push for more if she comes back warmly. Post here first!
“Hiya W. I wanted to check in here...how did the follow-up doctor's visit go? I thought about you on that day. I know that stress can make flare-ups worse, let me know if there's anything I can do to help. Hope you are doing better.”
You want to be careful and not come across as a Mr. Know It All..."I know stress can...." Eh...not too sure about that. She may come back and scream, "What do you know about my stress??!" Do you see what I mean here?
That is an ASSUMPTION at it's best...at it's worse, it is a Mr. Know It All.
Another thing I've learned about WASes is that they do not respond well or never do when one asks about them...their day....work...they just shut down.
“Hiya W. I just wanted to check in with you, and ask how the follow-up doctor's visit went? I thought about you on that day. I know that stress can make flare-ups worse, let me know if there's anything I can do to help. Hope you are doing better.”
I just suggested amending the first sentence. Now remember, don't push for more if she comes back warmly. Post here first!
Hi Toots!
I see, write "check in with you and ask how" Thank you for taking the time to read and reply!
You are awesome. I also see that Wonka has a posting....
Bob
“Hiya W. I wanted to check in here...how did the follow-up doctor's visit go? I thought about you on that day. I know that stress can make flare-ups worse, let me know if there's anything I can do to help. Hope you are doing better.”
You want to be careful and not come across as a Mr. Know It All..."I know stress can...." Eh...not too sure about that. She may come back and scream, "What do you know about my stress??!" Do you see what I mean here?
That is an ASSUMPTION at it's best...at it's worse, it is a Mr. Know It All.
Another thing I've learned about WASes is that they do not respond well or never do when one asks about them...their day....work...they just shut down.
Wonka, I see exactly what you mean - big time! She just might come back with that.
Okay, thanks again Toots and Wonka - both of you are always here for me!
Let me think about this a little more.
Bob
Hiya W. I wanted to check in here...how did the follow-up doctor's visit go? I thought about you on that day. I know that stress can make flare-ups worse, let me know if there's anything I can do to help. Hope you are doing better
Wonka has a great point - my W very likely could shoot back with soemthing like "what do you know about my stress?" OR "yeah, and it's all because of you." The list could go on and on.
I took this out:
I know that stress can make flare-ups worseHere's my new
draft text:
“Hiya W. I just wanted to check in with you, and ask how the follow-up doctor's visit went? I thought about you on that day. How have the MS symptoms been? Let me know if there's anything I can do to help. Hope you are doing better.”
Wow, this shouldn't be so hard, but WAS' can find fault with 1 "wrong" word.
How does my latest draft look?
Thank you so very much.
Bob
Quick follow-up to my own post:
Should I take out "Let me know if there's anything I can do to help." Unfortunately, I don't have a cure for MS...I wish I did!
Thanks!
Bob
You're over thinking as usual...
Keep it simple.
I'd re-work it again...
You're over thinking as usual...
Keep it simple.
I'd re-work it again...
Wonka,
You're right! How about this?:
“Hiya W. I just wanted to check in with you, and ask how the follow-up doctor's visit went? I thought about you on that day. How have the MS symptoms been? Hope you are doing better.”Any better? I truly appreciate the help!!!
Bob
“Hiya W. I just wanted to check in with you, and ask how the follow-up doctor's visit went? I thought about you on that day. How have the MS symptoms been? Hope you are doing better.”
Fixed it there..
That particular question is too personal for the WAS....I've learned the hard way so I want you to avoid the very same mistakes we've made in DBing.
“Hiya W. I just wanted to check in with you, and ask how the follow-up doctor's visit went? I thought about you on that day. How have the MS symptoms been? Hope you are doing better.”
Fixed it there..
That particular question is too personal for the WAS....I've learned the hard way so I want you to avoid the very same mistakes we've made in DBing.
Wonka,
I see what you mean, because she doesn't feel emotionally attached to me now. Thank you so much for your patience and wisdom!
So, I'll go with this unless anyone else has any input:
“Hiya W. I just wanted to check in with you, and ask how the follow-up doctor's visit went? I thought about you on that day. Hope you are doing better.”You are so good at this Wonka!
Bob
I still haven't sent the text to my W. Wonka is so good at this, but I'm wondering if I should wait a few more days. I've been using NC for two weeks.
As Wonka posted a few days ago, I don't want to come across as uncaring and cold.
Any thoughts out there from anyone? Especially those that of been following my situation closely?
Bob
You're being very wise Bob. Better you really get your words to where they don't step on any of your own goals, and post here before just writing something out of emotion.
You are in control of you.
There's so much power in that.
Thank you so much for the encouragement RealMe!
How are you doing?
Your friend,
Bob
I finally summoned up the courage to send my wife the text that Wonka Toots. and I were working on. Guess what? Her phone is off because the message did not get delivered. It's very possible she's not feeling well today. When that's the case she normally doesn't have her phone on for very long.
If and when she does respond, i'll post it to this forum as soon as I can before responding to her.
I love you all very much.
Bob
Hi Bob, I thought the final draft was fine - well done. Now, big challenge - you sent it, now leave it. No check, check, check of the phone (I know I've been there.) Just keep moving forwards....
And if W replies warmly, no gobbling up those kibbles and asking for walkies :-)
Have a good day - and I echo what others say. You are a lovely, warm presence on these boards....
T x
Bob,
Glad you did the deed...good job.
And if W replies warmly, no gobbling up those kibbles and asking for walkies :-)
Yesssss!! ^^^^ I have ended convos with the girl I really like first and it helps in not grabbing an inch for a mile. I've had some practice with this.
Hi Bob, I thought the final draft was fine - well done. Now, big challenge - you sent it, now leave it. No check, check, check of the phone (I know I've been there.) Just keep moving forwards....
And if W replies warmly, no gobbling up those kibbles and asking for walkies :-)
Have a good day - and I echo what others say. You are a lovely, warm presence on these boards....
T x
Hi Toots!
Thank you about the comment on my final draft. You and Wonka helped BIG time.
I'll do my best to
not check the phone. I must confess, about 10 minutes ago I looked to see if my text got delivered. Nope. Her phone is still off. Very good advice though.
One last thing...are you trynig to make me cry happy tears? LOL Well, I did.
Thank you for the extremely kind sentiment. Wow. I feel I am just being me, but I'll take the wonderful compliment.
I think I speak for others on these boards when I say we feel the same way about you!!
(((((Toots)))))
Your friend -
Bob
Bob,
Glad you did the deed...good job.
And if W replies warmly, no gobbling up those kibbles and asking for walkies :-)
Yesssss!! ^^^^ I have ended convos with the girl I really like first and it helps in not grabbing an inch for a mile. I've had some practice with this.
Hello my friend Wonka,
I couldn't have done it without your help ... and Toots, too.
Thanks for reaffirming what Toots advised. How true: "helps in not grabbing an inch for a mile"
If/when I ever hear from my lovely W, I will post it here!!
What would we all do without you, Wonka?
Bob
Good job Bob!
Everytime you want to check your phone check these boards instead.
Good job Bob!
Everytime you want to check your phone check these boards instead.
Or you could do the rubber band trick.
Put a rubber band around your wrist and every time you want to check your phone snap the rubber band!
FWIW, I did the rubber band thing this past weekend. I only needed it for the weekend, but during the weekend, actually had raised welts all around my wrists. Yes, both. Had to switch wrists on Sunday.
I can manage in my head now. :-)
Hello Mahhhty, thanks for the encouragement and the good idea.
Hello Cadet, LOL! That is also a good idea.
Thank you both for checking in with me.
Bob
Well All,
I just checked my phone for the first time since this A.M. My text from last night still did not go thru to her phone.
It's still off. Aaargggh.....
Bob
Keep pinging that band Bob and try not to let the frustration get to you. Your W will pick up your message when she will. She may respond today, tomorrow, next week....or whenever. Try and accept all of that and move forward.
You wanted to send a message to your W - but it is always best to send without expectations....
Do you have some nice GAL plans coming up? If not, maybe now is a good time to get planning??
((Bob))
Where is Mr Bob today?
Edit - Thinking about a new thread.
Hello Toots & Mahhhty & Cadet,
I have been very busy with work, first chance to check in.
Somehow, I knew Toots and Mahhhty posted today....I just had a feeling.
Toots, you are abolutely correct. My curiousity got the best of me since I have not heard from my W since I sent her "the text" (LOL) Monday evening. I checked 5 minutes ago (that rubber band idea helped Cadet) and my message was still not delivered. Phone still off. I will say, sometimes she doesn't wake up until noon. It's 11:25 AM in the Midwest now. No expectations--I needed that reminder. GAL plans? Good question. I made plans to watch 2 Blackhawks playoff games (Ice hockey, if you're not familiar) with friends. Woo Hoo. Also, I might do a Meetup Group walk thru a forest preserve Saturday. How about you, Toots? Any GAL for you soon?
Mahhhty, as I mentioned above, been busy w/work. Thank you for checking in buddy.
Cadet, yes, I should start a new thread.
Back to work for now.
Bob
Cadet & All:
I started a new thread as I hit my limit titled:
WAW Filed for Divorce Next Day Pt. 3 (Bob)http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2562424#Post2562424 I dropped how long it's been from the title because this keeps on going and going and . . .
Bob