Long post alert!!!
I am starting this thread because things have changed in my life and I want a new thread with a new topic.
The D and my XW
She is a WW and used the D to give her the freedom she needs to carry on without or with less guilt. I have been trying to come to grips with the fact that she chose to go back to the EA/PA. She has been dishonest with me recently about a trip she is taking with OM this weekend. This used to hurt, but she is not my W and she is not the person I fell in love with, or want to be in a M/R with.
I have gained a new or clearer perspective on who she is and how she has been acting. The W I was hung up on and wanting to be in a R with has not been around since late December. With the discovery of the A I have looked back at us and can tell when she had her heart in the R and when she didn’t. If she can’t commit to the M, I shouldn’t be committed to her. The girl I fell in love with is not around any more. It is sad. She is in love with OM and will be chasing that down on her journey.
Thanks to WW post that Sandi has started I also know that I cannot be her friend, nor do I want to be her friend. She chose to end our family and our M, so that ends our R. I will not be her side piece. I was her side piece for quite a while and I am done.
I have not been warm to her, but I have been cordial. Yesterday I was getting things out or the house we were sharing and she was milling around in my area. I was only answering questions and briefly at that. She was hanging around while I was in the closet and I left her hanging. When I returned she just gave me the a silent “are you going to say anything” look. I did not see anything and she just said “um..? okay” and left the room. This is a new action from me and will be continued as we are not longer in a M and I refuse to be her friend. Co-parent for sure, but not a friend.
My new life in my house.
I slept in my new home for the first time Sunday and it was nice. Getting it set up has been a lot of work and will continue to be for a while as I work to get settled. It is pretty great to be in my own place away from the memories and feelings associated with being around my XW and her house. It was kind of a complete circle as the last nights I spent in that house were in her old bedroom in the basement where I used to climb out of the window in the middle of the night so I didn’t wake the house up when we were dating 10 years ago.
The kids will be with me at least 40% of the time and they will spend their first night here on Tuesday. They will be excited and dad is going to make this house the best place he can for his boys.
My emotions.
I am feeling more and more stable. I have good friends and family around me whom I have been talking to more and they have been a great help. I have friends who have been through this kind of thing before and even if their situations were not the same as mine, their pain and feelings were similar.
I got a different perspective on what was going on when one of my friends was talking about trying to save his 7 year R with his baby’s momma. He told me that his emotions were up and down while trying to save his R and then he was kicked out one last time after she decided to quit leading him on for a year or better. The phrase that got me was “leading him on”. This really put what was going on during the last year in a different perspective. I never thought about it as leading me on, but I think there is some truth to this, especially with a WW.
Recently I have been missing being in love. It took me a while to figure it out, but I miss being in love because my XW wasn’t loving towards me since mid December. When it was there right before the end it was intense and it also was during the mid summer. I miss being in a loving R and it is something I want in the future. I have had some wondering eyes lately, but need to remind myself that I am not ready to be emotionally connected with someone right now.
My GAL plans
I will be unpacking random boxes and putting the house together when I am at home.
I have started a 30 day exercise challenge from a website started by Neila Rey, today was day 1. The website is awesome and most all of the exercises do not require equipment so I can do them at home, look it up on the web it is very inspiring. I feel that if I can commit and stay focused on the 30 day challenge I will not be thinking about the XW. I would really like to make daily exercise a part of my lifestyle.
This Wednesday my friends local punk band will be playing with a pretty big time punk band at a local venue. A couple of my friends are going with me and it will be really fun, take me back to my youth.
This weekend I will have a friend and his boy over to hang out and play. I will really need it and need the distraction so I don’t think about the W and the OM. Still a little fresh in the D to be strong enough to not have her actions sting.
My planned changes
I am laying off of the self help books for now. My WW had me twisted up at the end of the R thinking that I still had a ton of work to do on myself and that I hadn’t changed. I felt insulted and confused when she said this and believed her. With clarity and separation from trying to save the M I can see how she felt things had not changed much, it was because she has been high on the OM. This puts me into a crappy light in the R and I am sure she felt things haven’t changed because she is back to where she was.
One of the last talks we had she even said that I hadn’t changed, amended her statement and said that I had changed. Then she started to spew about how she felt taken advantage of.
So I plan on reading a Vietnam book about my father’s infantry group. I also want to rewatch Band of Brothers and read some WWII books. I think I will find some inspiration in these war stories and how people persevered under terrible circumstances.
Things are looking up for me and I am feeling stronger and know that this is the start of a new beginning for me.
Gogofo, what would you have done differently had you known you were being lead on?
Wow... to be told all the stuff about how you had not changed. Sounds like she's telling you her impression and guilt to allow her to proceed with it all.
She's manipulating your feelings that's for sure.
If you had any advice for my situation, I'd appreciate it. I'm still reeling from the collapse and could use some thoughts.
Gogofo, what would you have done differently had you known you were being lead on?
I don't know if I was being "lead on" per say, but I do believe that there were times I was seen as option B.
What I would have done differently is not concentrate on saving the M so much and to slow down. I was overly attached and it did nothing but damage. I was so hung up on "us" that I stopped working on me.
I would have went to MC when W mentioned it, or pushed for it when I mentioned it. We both denied it at different times because we were feeling strong.
At the end the biggest change I would have made would be to follow Sandi's advice about WW. I don't think I would have been strong enough to do it, but wish I would have done it. I would hope that if I read that thread and had that knowledge prior I would have gutted it out and treated her like a WW.
I had a lot of advice from the vets and their advice was basically what Sandi has posted. It makes more sense now after getting some perspective and it also helps to have it all laid out into one thread. This new thread of her's is probably one of the most powerful threads I have read in quite some time on this forum. It is gold Pony Boy, gold!
GoFo,
At least, it isn't Gold Pony Poop!
You sound soo much better these days and I am happy to read of your progress. What a change from a month ago, eh?!
Keep going...eyes forward.
Thanks Wonka, I am trying to get better. The biggest realization and pain came from the way my XW had been acting and treating me. She was not the person I was in love with. She would not be someone I would be pursuing a R with with her current actions.
She is no longer the honest, open, committed, caring and loving person I loved. It is sad but it is the truth. She is high on OM and the feelings she has from that R. Maybe one day we could be together again, maybe not. I am not going to sit around and wait for that day. I deserve happiness and a great R and it will come one day when the time is right.
I picked up my boys overnight last night and dropped them off this morning. Kind of a weird situation. I didn't know how I would feel and react emotionally. It was awkward. I think the XW and I were both expecting some sort of reaction out of each other.
She had packed up some clothes for me in a suitcase for the boys and said for me to bring the suitcase back and she will put more in there for me. She is on spring break so she has been going through her house cleaning etc.
This morning she expected me to drop the boys off early in the morning, before 7:00 because that is when I start work. Well I decided to restructure my work schedule and not take lunches and work late so I can be a full parent and get the boys ready for work and to the bus, etc.
XW was surprised by this because it would be easier to just drop them off. Yes it would, but that is not the point. I do not want to rely on XW and have her do my parental duties on the mornings that I have the kids. I am a man and can take care of my kids on my own. I am also an amazing father and no one can take that away from me.
Tonight I am going to see one of my favorite punk bands with a couple of my good friends from my punk days. It is going to rule.
My workout routine is kicking my legs and butt into soreness big time. It is good though. I want to keep committed and rise through the difficulty to build a better and healthier body and mind.
Had a rough afternoon child exchange today. When I went to get the boys my oldest started to cry uncontrollably and kept repeating "I want mommy".
When he started into it my XW thought he was just being difficult and gave him a time out. He kept sobbing all through it and I tried to console him. He just kept repeating it over and over again at a loud volume while crying really hard.
I tried to get his shoes on and so did my XW. She told him that mommy and daddy needed to talk in the other room. She then told me that if I wanted they could stay there tonight as she didn't have to teach and had nothing going on. I just replied, No it is my night to have the kids and I want to be with them.
My oldest kept in it as I loaded the youngest in the truck. When I came back in I had to pull him from my XW's arms and carry him out as he cried for her the whole time. She didn't look at us as it appeared that she was crying.
Wow was I mad at her. I still am right now. I just feel like "see what you have done to our kids and our family! I hope you feel this is worth it to have our son feel this way!" I know, blaming blah blah blah. But I am really upset.
I think her fantasy that everything is going to be okay and look how cool it is that you have two houses may have got a reality check today. I also hope it hurt her to the core, she deserves to feel the pain of the situation.
Am I feeling vindictive, yes. Did I say or do anything to rub it in her face, no. This is her cross to bare and she can do it alone.
There was no way I was going to give up my night with my boys. I know she didn't want to deal with the fact that our oldest was upset and wanted him to get his way, but this is not how our family works anymore. We are divorced and this is what happens with divorced families and kids. It svcks and it hurts, but this is the reality.
I should have been more upset when he was crying when we left, but I was so mad at the situation that his crying just made me more upset. Once at my house he continued to cry and wail and repeat I want mommy for about 25 minutes straight while I held him and rubbed his back and told him I love him.
I have empathy for him now, but not for her. She deserves to feel this pain and have her actions show her that life is not just about her and her OM and how she feels.
Is it wrong that I want her to be hurt by the pain that is caused by the D?
I feel a little responsible about the D, but I would have worked on fixing any problems that we had as long as it was not an open M.
Part of the healing and moving on process is to take full accountability for our parts in ending the M. Guilt is ahead of denial.
Hi Gogofo. Sorry you had a difficult exchange. I think that part of the week can be a bit of a flashpoint, and I can remember SS being upset both going and coming. On Friday evenings, we always took a pretty relaxed approach, knowing he could feel sensitised about things. It can be hard for kids to make the transition from one household to another.
I think your feelings of anger and blame towards your W are yours to own. There are no easy points to be on the affair triangle. I think it's important that kids know that when they are going to Dad's, they are going to Dad's. And when I'm at Dad's, he will look after me and take care of me whatever happens. Not - maybe if I'm upset, I can stay with Mum, or vice versa. To me that's an important boundary and gives some certainty and stability.
Hope things improve for you next time around. It can be helpful to build a bit of anticipation with the kids too - when you come on Friday, we'll finish reading the little puppy story etc...
I'm sorry for your struggle and think it's normal to feel the way you do.
Key thing is to own it for you and forgive for you. Lack of forgiveness will impact your happiness. It is absolutely not for her with what she's done.
Had a good weekend and GAL with house and kids and friends and watching a little college basketball. This was the weekend that I know the XW and OM were out of town together, alone or for work it didn't really matter because I know they had dinner plans and theater tickets. I feared this weekend about a month ago, but when I came I noticed I didn't even think about it until Saturday night while laying in bed and even then I was able to put it out of my mind and fall asleep.
Little by little I am getting better.
Today I had an interesting interaction with the XW during and after our kid's first swim lesson.
Lately I have been treating her like a wayward wife, especially after reading Sandi's excellent thread about it. I truly believe this is who she is right now, even though we are D. So I have been less than warm to her, not really paying much attention to her or engaging in much of a conversation with her or starting any.
The last time I saw her for an extended amount of time was Sunday the 8th. I was loading stuff up and she kind of milled around; I think she was waiting for me to have some small talk with her.
During swim lessons she sat next to me and asked me a couple of questions and I talked a little with her but just kept my focus on my kids and didn't engage too much.
When it was over she asked if I wanted to go to dinner with them. I told her no thank you and went and got our oldest's backpack out of my truck and walked over and kiss and hugged the boys. She asked again "you don't want to go do dinner?" I said no, I have things to do. So she replied "Is this how this is going to be? You all stand offish?" I said I didn't know, I am just trying to wrap my head around this whole thing.
She seemed upset.
A part of me did want to go and a bigger part did not want to go. I wanted to because it would be enjoyable and fun and I love my boys.
I did not want to go because I am still upset with my XW and I also don't think my heart can take playing family by having dinner together. I am much too fragile and think I would take it as a sign that things may change and she still would have feelings for me.
To be honest I also feel that she wanted a D and this means we are no longer a family. I don't want to act like a family after she wanted to D. I feel like she would be doing some cake eating as I provided those wonderful family times together even though we are D.
This is the first invite like this I have turned down since BD in January of 2014.
So am I being a cold hearted bastard by being coldish to her and not being talkative with her? I assume this is just spew as she may have assumed that we could have fun family times together and our R would move from a loving married couple to a happy friendly divorced couple.
I don't want to be her friend. I am being friendly with her, but I do not think I can be her friend.
I am sure she will confront me on this at some point and my instinct is to tell her the truth. I would say "My heart is too fragile right now to be your friend, it would give me false hope that you would want a relationship with me. I need to protect myself from feeling this way."
I need some perspective on this from any and all.
When it was over she asked if I wanted to go to dinner with them. I told her no thank you and went and got our oldest's backpack out of my truck and walked over and kiss and hugged the boys. She asked again "you don't want to go do dinner?" I said no, I have things to do. So she replied "Is this how this is going to be? You all stand offish?" I said I didn't know, I am just trying to wrap my head around this whole thing.
I wished you would have answered with, "Yep, pretty much!"
Isn't it the craziest thing you've ever seen? Yes, she wanted to be single to do her own thing, but gee, she didn't know she would have to give up her H in the deal!
Don't you dare let her words get you to second guessing. You are doing better, and you do not have to do one thing for her. You are D now, so please don't become a prisoner to her again. You owe her nothing. This is the price of divorce.
And BTW, she will
continue to try to guilt you every chance she can, b/c it served her well during the M. The only way to stop it is to show it has no effective power over you.
I wished you would have answered with, "Yep, pretty much!"
Me too, I am just not that person. My detachment has been slow, but it has been coming.
When I get a text message or phone call from her I still get a tingle or chill through my body. I have been a little "off" today in regards to my feelings towards her. I will see her this afternoon as she now has decided that she can pick the kids up after school. This action has had me wondering why she is doing it now, but I keep reminding myself it is not my issue or my business.
Unfortunately last night I had some worries about if I had upset her or not. But the feelings were nowhere as strong as they were a couple of weeks ago. It would bounce in and out of my mind, but it did not wear on me.
I doubt I owe her any sort of explanation, but if she asks why I am cold I may simply reply that I am protecting myself and my feelings.
Sometimes I think my honesty is not the appropriate response, but in this instance I don't know.
I doubt I owe her any sort of explanation, but if she asks why I am cold I may simply reply that I am protecting myself and my feelings.
Are you sure that's what you want to say? I mean, that is what you are doing, but do you want to say it?
I don't know if that is what I want to say. I really don't know what to say, but I know if I get caught off guard that I will say something similar to that.
I assume I need to do some "fake it until I make it" with my attitude. I need to be more from the stance of she lost the best guy in her life and now I am out there to make someone else's life better. I don't want to be the sad sack divorced husband.
BTW I am feeling a lot better and stronger as time goes by and I do believe the W that I just D'd was not the woman I married or want to be married to. I was working towards being a VERY good husband in our M and she lost that in her life.
Maybe saying something like "I am just moving on from our marriage" would be more appropriate and represent the attitude I am working towards. I don't want her to feel she has any power or control over me and now that I look back at my previous statement it would indicate that she still has power over me.
In my sitch, when my WAW asked me why I didn't want to meet for lunch, I replied. "You've chosen to leave and now I need to take the steps to move on." I seem to recall that it got a good endorsement from the vets.
Had a rough afternoon child exchange today. When I went to get the boys my oldest started to cry uncontrollably and kept repeating "I want mommy". When he started into it my XW thought he was just being difficult and gave him a time out. He kept sobbing all through it and I tried to console him. He just kept repeating it over and over again at a loud volume while crying really hard.
(...)
Wow was I mad at her. I still am right now. I just feel like "see what you have done to our kids and our family! I hope you feel this is worth it to have our son feel this way!" I know, blaming blah blah blah. But I am really upset.
This has been bothering me since you posted it last week. I feel like you've used your kids' pain to get at your WAW. You might say that it's not your fault, but you confess that a part of you was glad to show her the pain she's causing. I know the feeling because I'm slightly upset that my kids take the S in strides as if it's a fun thing.
It is possible that neither of you had the tools to calm your S3, so let me share some life-changing advice that I read in a parenting book and (The Happiest Toddler on the Block, perhaps?) that I use in such situations.
When a child expresses a need, repeat it back to him.Do not jump to the answer because kids do not make the same logical jump as us. If you say no, they think it means you haven't understood their need, so they repeat it. When you repeat it to them though, they know they have been understood, that you're on it. Example:
- Daddy, I'm thirsty, I want water!
- Yes, you're thirsty and you want water. You're thirsty. I'll give you water when we get home because I don't have any here.
This is as close to an Off button as you'll ever find on a child. I know it works better than anything else with my two daughters. It has become second nature for me. Repeat it several times if need be. Look them in the eyes if you can. The adult solution, which is to provide an answer, is not working especially not during a crisis. "Everything's gonna be ok" and "You will see mommy tomorrow" does not address their immediate need, nor does it given them the impression that you're trying to help them because they think you haven't understood them.
This is a communication technique that is taught in many circumstances, beyond toddlers. On these boards, it's called validation. My pharmacist friends uses it with his patients, by repeating their symptoms to them to build trust before suggesting a treatment.
I get very touchy when people give me parenting advice, and I don't mean to criticize you, but to give you tools that have been life-savers for me.
Thanks Mozza, I actual used a similar approach with my son. I listened and validated and repeated what he was saying and that he wanted his mom. I probably jump to the answer too soon about why he can't stay there etc.
I read a good parenting book, not the one you said, but I cannot remember what it was called. I read it during my S last year and it really helped me become a better father by changing my interactions with my kids. I remember one of the main themes being "let your child know that you are listening to them and that they are heard."
Had an off day a little bit today. Last night I had a dream about laying down boundaries to my XW. Must have been because I was thinking about and wrote a post about my M in the wayward wife thread.
I was brilliant in my dream. I was emotional detached, laid out boundaries about what it would take to come back, and told her things are not as simple as they were before. I guess some of these DB principles are sinking in if I am using them in my dreams.
After the dream I just felt off and a little sensitive all day. Not really thinking about my situation all day but certain things were setting me off. I would get a wave of emotion hitting me.
Tonight the boys and I watched an episode of Dr. Who and it was an emotionally heavy one. The episode ended with him leaving a woman he loved, erasing the great memories he had with another girl and leaving alone standing in the rain. He left without a companion, sad but knowing he would go on and be okay.
This was quite a metaphor for my current situation. Leaving a woman I love, remembering our great times even though she doesn't, and having to move on; even though I am sad about it, I know I will be okay. I was crying because of the tv show and my situation. The melodrama was working the way it was designed to work, I definitely was empathic with the Doctor.
So just an emotional day for me, but not sad or depressing, just emotional. I find strength and comfort in the fact that even in my dream last night I was not jumping back into a R with the XW.
Been about a week since I have updated my situation.
Things have been pretty steady the last week. After the rough day I had on the 19th I have felt better. I had the kids last weekend again and we had lots of fun. They are definitely the light of my life.
On Sunday I felt a little weird when getting ready for the kid exchange. I was a little anxious and didn't say too much to the XW or chat her up. I think I asked one question about the concert and said "good", grabbed some of my cook books and left.
I have been keeping the interactions shot and have not been acting like her friend.
Monday I went and watched the kids at swim lessons which was very fun. I took them swimming last Friday and it was awesome. The youngest is getting more and more brave about getting all the way under water.
I have noticed the XW doing some different things when trying to interact with me. This morning she called me to tell me that a set of copper pans that we had together were on sale. I found this weird and random and would not have answered the phone but I thought it was about the kids as she had only been calling before when it was about them.
I find myself looking around and thinking more about dating or flirting or talking to women. When DBing before I would notice cute girls but never think about engaging them as I still felt married. Now I am wanting to get back in the saddle and see what it out there.
I don't know if it is healthy or not right now to do it though. I know I miss the feeling of being in love or the companionship of a woman and I also miss being physical. There are a couple things that I don't want and that is a new W. I am not looking at starting a serious R with anyone, but getting out and dating and being friendly with someone would feel good.
I am not looking at starting a serious R with anyone, but getting out and dating and being friendly with someone would feel good.
YES! Get out there and meet new people. You don't have to start a R with the 1st woman you talk to...
Take your time and enjoy the new experiences. Good for your ego (mostly) and it will change your outlook on a lot of things.
Doing some journaling:
Been having a little rough go the last couple of days. I have been physically exhausted and having trouble with my energy. I just cannot seem to get enough sleep. I have been exercising but I think that grieving is wearing me out.
On Thursday I went out with a couple of friends and drank too much. I saw a coworker of my XW and it brought up a bunch of feelings about my situation. She basically alluded to the fact that my XW and her OM were off and on when we were trying to fix our M. It makes sense and explains a lot of her wild swings in feelings. It still hurts to think about though.
I have been angry lately. Angry at my XW and angry at my situation. Angry at being betrayed by my XW. Angry that my oldest son cries for a half an hour for his mom when I pick him up on my nights.
I just don't know what I am feeling or how to feel, I have just been feeling pretty blah. I had been feeling up for a little while, but now not so much. I know this will pass, but I need to get through it.
I just don't want to feel down emotionally and physically. I think part of it is that I don't have the boys this weekend and I didn't really make and solid plans so sitting at home when it is quiet has me thinking too much. Also I have become disgusted at the sight of people in love. I am pretty sure it is a normal part of the grieving process, but this anger is new to me.
I did have a good time on Friday and though I would ride the momentum into the weekend, but it didn't happen. It was fun though, my friend called and at the drop of a hat we drove two and a half hours both ways to watch Bad Religion play. I have been waiting 15 years to see them. It was a great time and a much needed break from what is going on.
Whatever happens, keep that connection with your son. As he gets older he's going to into the past 5 range he's going to need a solid relationship with his dad. Guidance, unconditional love, teaching him stuff.
Do not let that father son relationship go. I promise you that your son will need his dad!
The relationship with my kids is what keeps me going. No matter the way my day is going they always brighten my day. Whenever I have the kids what ever we do is all about them.
I am taking this Friday off and taking the kids out of town to do some shopping. We may stay the night, but we will definitely have fun.
I have Easter plans with the kids and that should be a lot of fun too. Doing a big family dinner.
I just need to get through this phase and stage of healing. I don't want to take any shortcuts. I need to walk all the steps and deal with my situation in the correct way.
Had a fun filled weekend with the kids. I really cherish my time I get to spend with them. Unfortunately the more time I spend with them the more upset I get about the D.
I think the time my attitude started to shift was the last month before the D when my youngest wasn't feeling well and wanted me to lay in bed with him while he fell asleep. I just remember holding back tears because I would no longer be able to do this every night. I was being robbed of half of the time I can spend with my kids and be their father.
Recently I have been missing companionship. When the kids are gone and I am home at night I missing having that someone there to talk to and share with.
I have been angry and jealous at the XW lately still. I am harboring resentment that she dropped all we had for OM and is moving forward with her life, or so it seems as I am just mind reading. She does not have a mortgage or rent payment, gets child support from me, just cashed in a healthy amount of money from selling our home, bought a new car last Friday, and has all sorts of travel plans every other weekend because she is kid free. Just venting but it seems life will not be showing her consequences any time soon. She will not struggle and right now my opinion is that I want her life to turn to sh!t.
All in all I have been doing well. Had a little get together last Wednesday. A couple friends and my brother came over and we grilled some burgers and my brother, a barber, gave some haircuts. A good friend and I ended up talking about women and relationships long into the night. I shared how the XW had an exit plan and has OM. He agreed that most people don't leave without going to someone else or something else. He said that I was a good guy and most people are shocked at her leaving me.
We also talked about still having feelings for our exes. I told him I would try to have another R with her, not soon, but sometime in the future. I don't want to hold out for it but I admitted that there will always be that connection we have and it would be hard not to turn down a chance to build a new R with her in the future. He has the same thing with an XGF he had for about 5 years.
We talked about how it is tough to think about the things that could have changed or we could have changed and maybe things would be different.
All in all my emotional state is getting better. I am feeling stronger, but still have anger at the XW.
On my pinterest feed I will see things she pins every now and then and some are love or life quotes and they will sometimes send me off. Things like "Love doesn't hurt, loving the wrong person does". It gets me to mind read and picture her is relationship bliss and happy with her life. Makes me feel she got all she wanted in her little plan.
At times I think I should remove her from my feed but I think seeing some of this stuff hammers home the reality that she is in love with OM and I need to figure out my side of the D.
When I do things with the kids I take pictures, she does too. She has been pretty free and sharing pictures with me, but I haven't. I have been thinking why. The first reason is I don't think she has the right to get my pictures and she has left and I want her to miss out on the things I do with them; I want her to be punished. The second is I feel what the kids and I do together is our stuff and she has no right to it. Still working on these feelings and my actions about this.
Dude, why can't you just unfriend her or at least unfollow her. Clearly you see that there is no good in following her...
I agree with Vapo - seeing this kind of stuff online just causes upset and doesn't help with moving forward. I would just go cold turkey and stop any feeds/links like that - JMHO..
I suggest getting off all social media!
It is really the only social media that I have. I should un-follow everyone and just use it as a personal program.
I know a part of the reason I do not remove her is I can browse what she has pinned and it is like spying or gathering intelligence.
Now thinking about it it would help me detach and move along with myself.
Made the decision last night to start reading a new book. I have stayed away from self help books and relationship books for about two months. I made this decision because I felt I was focusing too much on my R than on me as a person. I would read the books and see the work the XW and I could do to improve our M. I way misunderstood the position my M was in and thought we were ready to do some heavier work.
Now the focus is on me and my growth. I read for about 20 minutes last night and feel that "NMMNG" will be a good read for me. I need to not be so nice and not be so scared of rocking the boat. I have felt beaten down for a while and need to grow some back bone.
I don't feel the XW was intentionally beating me down, I allowed myself to have too much responsibility for everything. I was doing good with the DB process but what I missed was to take care of myself and not be a push over. I was too scared to make a mistake and then I started to stagnate. The temperature of the M was directly controlling my emotions.
So I hope the book and learning will help me move forward with gathering internal strength. I still find myself with stomach aches when thinking about the XW and/or our interactions. I don't need to feel this way and will work towards growing as a person.
Hey Gogofo.
Good on you, I hope you find some peace with NMMNG.
The book has described me pretty accuratley so far. I just finished the first chapter.
I have had a lingering thought in my head for the last couple of weeks and I do not quite understand it. The thought is this...
After a year or two of seeing what is out there I think/hope that the XW and I can get back together.
Right now I do not like her, at all. I am angry and want nothing to do with her. When I see her it makes my blood boil internally. But there is still a place in my heart for her.
I am not waiting for her, or will I wait for her. I am going to get out and do my own thing. But there is still a feeling that we will get back together. I honestly hope that her and OM go down in flames and she realizes what a real relationship is and what we had was a very very good thing.
I have a question to ask Sandi when she starts up a new WW thread. It about how long it took her to see the flaws in her OM and see that it was not what she imagined it was in her head.
The XW and I need some growing to do, but I also know that she cares about me. My hope is that we could work on us after growing while apart for quite a while. Right now my interaction with her is minimal and when I am around her my attention, vision, and words are focused on the boys. She is just a background character in the story that is my life after D right now.
Hey Gogofo, thanks for updating. I remember when you started this thread. Your first post really stood out to me. It was the first time I really realized that my W is not the same person I fell in love with and married. She's no longer the person I miss and I want to be with again. Like you, I hope someday we can be together, but I don't know if that's even possible. Can I be with this new person she has become? I'm finding myself asking that question more often lately.
Do you think living apart has helped? I'm still living with my ex during the week and it's taking a toll on me. I do a great job letting go and detaching during the weekend while we're apart. Around the middle of the week I feel like I'm backsliding. 2 steps forward, one step back is how I am feeling. I guess it's better than 2 forward, 3 back.
I'm glad to see your update.
I feel living apart has helped, I cannot imagine living with my XW unless it was the only option I had.
When the papers were in motion I still treated her like my W and felt there was hope there. I should have known better. I remember the wild emotional swings I would go through while seeing her. I was really strongly attached to her and her emotions. Having my own house has really helped with the detachment.
At the end I was lucky enough to have space inside the house before I moved. It still wasn't enough. I could hear when she would get home and I would find myself waking up around midnight knowing that she was not home. It was emotional torture.
The journey forward so far has had it's rough patches. It is not smooth and linear. I have not cried hard about the D yet which really has me confused. At times I can well up with tears and have a quick 30 second sob if I hear the right song at the wrong time. I also well up with emotion when having fun with the kids. Their love and happiness is what keeps me going.
Seeing the kids happy and moving forward with trying to deal with my grief has me in an angry phase right now. Angry for a lot of reasons, but I would like to theoretically choke my XW for the pain she has brought into our lives with the OM.
The book I am reading has me pegged right now with its description that nice guys harbor rage deep down inside them. This is very true of how I feel right now, I definitely have rage inside me.
I know one day I will be able to forgive myself and the XW for what has happened. If I don't forgive I feel it will be detrimental to my emotional state. Right now I don't want to forgive, and I am good with that decision.
What has helped me through the beginning of moving forward is the Wayward Wife threads that Sandi has been posting to. They are a wealth of information that has me understanding how the XW may have been feeling and why she has been doing what she did.
Hang in their Closer, I will check up on your thread, I haven't been on as much as before but I still lurk every other day.
NMMNG is a great book. I harbor rage myself. I'm was really bad about the covert contracts. I have been doing the CCs for so long and so often w/o knowing realize the negative effects they had on me and my family. Ditching the CCs has been huge for me.
I don't cry. I kind of wish I could. I'm don't try to be a "tough guy". I've been choked up a few times, but nothing more. I almost wish I could. Could I be a robot??? haha
Closer, I am not trying to be tough guy either. I am not avoiding my emotions, but I just haven't broke down this time. Maybe all of the crying before moved me through a lot of the grief and I don't need to.
Yesterday I had to work a little late at work so I was not able to make it to watch kids at their swim lesson. Later in the night the XW sent a text "Everything ok? You didn't make it to swim so I was checking. The goggles were a big hit."
I was slightly disgusted that she is showing concern for me. As a WW who is now my XW I feel she chose to not be a part of my life, except as a co-parent. I felt she never showed much concern when OM came back into the picture, so why now? Is it because I have been giving her nothing but slightly cordial responses? Who knows, but I feel it is weird she was worried about me now.
Last night I had a dream which may signal another small step to moving forward with detachment. When married and trying to save my marriage if I had a dream with a girl in it and it started to turn intimate or sexual I would refrain from even kissing or touching the girl. I would not even do anything close to cheating on my W, even in my dreams.
Well last night I had a dream where I was out playing the field and ended up kissing a girl. I know it probably sounds pathetic but I think it shows that subconsciously my mind is moving forward with being D'd. I woke up and it took me a little bit to realize that this was the first dream that I can remember where I didn't avoid contact with someone besides my W.
Last weekend I GAL pretty good. Went out with some friends on Friday night and ended up talking with a couple different women, so that helped stroke the ego. All were younger than me, which is nice since I see myself as getting older and not being as desirable.
The XW and I have similar reading goals to help improve our lives. I do not want to be "Mr. Nice Guy" and she wants to be a "Bitch". I saw a copy of "Why Men Love Bitches" which I assume is very similar to the book I am reading.
Saturday I went to watch my friends band play and talked with some friends I had not seen in quite a while. Received good support from them as they said they felt I had done all that I could to save the M and it is her loss. It is nice to have the support of friends. Some were telling me that I took on too much of the responsibility for the issues in the M.
Communication with the XW is still only as necessary. I don't get involved in conversations with her. We only talk if it involves the kids or scheduling.
I was trying not to smirk yesterday as she told me she decided not to go to Spain. She previously planned on going for her friends wedding, which we had talked about turning into a little vacation for us. Well she got the dates and wanted to go for a week. Yesterday she said that she was not going to go because it is "complicated". What that means I am not exactly sure, but I know part of it is figuring out what to do with the kids when she is gone. I would have watched them, but I did not tell her that. It was up to her to plan what to do.
Emotionally I have been more stable as there have not been as many dips, and the dips are not as low. There have not been as many highs though. I have been feeling tired quite a bit and un-motivated. I need to set some GAL goals and keep moving and start up my exercise routines again, but over the last two weeks I have kind of stagnated.
I have been smiling since Friday night though. Feeling like I have something to offer and even having a women come up to talk to me is quite the ego boost. Probably will try to work a contact with one into a date. I see her at a cafe I eat at and never knew if she was old enough to drink so I just kind of watched her and never gave her much thought. Well she came up to me on Friday and chatted me up.
Sunday I was in the cafe with a friend and she was working and kind of gave me a different kind of look, maybe slight embarrassment. We were both drinking, me way more than her is a good assumption as parts of the conversation slip my mind. But anyhow I think I will chat her up next time I eat there, use some self deprecation because I have no issue being embarrassed, and see if she is interested in meeting up. What do I have to lose... NOTHING.
Gogo,
You sound like you are doing well. I love me some ego stroking too so good for you:)
Glad you are feeling more steady emotionally. It's okay to have some down moments. Maybe a little more exercise will perk you up.
Keep it up:)
I have a question to ask Sandi when she starts up a new WW thread. It about how long it took her to see the flaws in her OM and see that it was not what she imagined it was in her head.
I just happened to see your question. TBH, those type of questions about a span of time is difficult to answer b/c some of it has become fuzzy.
The more time the WW spends with OM, the sooner she will start to see his shine dim. At first, I would make excuses for my OM, b/c I wanted to believe in my fantasy. I wanted him to be my knight and rescue me from my real world. In the meantine, other things were at work to finally cause enough fog to clear and I begin seeing a more accurate image.
He was so totally opposite of the man I married, and I finally realized I really did not want a man with some of what I saw in OM. It was less than a year. That's as close as I can call it.
Thank you for the comments Sandi. I know timelines are hard to pin down or guess for anyone.
I have always had in the back of my mind that we were going to D but that it would not be the end of us having a R, and I am not talking as co-parents. She has made comments to the same as she was/is in full WW mind mode with her mind constantly flip flopping as she tried to make a decision.
I am not waiting for her or expect this to be what will happen. They could get M and stay that way for the rest of their lives, but I see him as not the kind of person she would ever respect. She even told me before how little respect she had for this person two or three years ago.
My attitude now is my life goes on. If something happens years down the road between us, so be it, but I am not holding my breath or basing my choices on this possibility. She has to live her own life and so do I.
I see a lot of people posting songs and lyrics that they like or find strength in. I have read studies that show if you are sad or hurting that sad songs actually help cheer you up and help you move on with your grief. I completely agree with this theory.
Lately I have been listening to The Black Keys "Turn Blue" album. I feel that the first couple songs, and the whole album for that matter, do a great job of summing up what it is like to have a WW. The first song in particular used to make me cry, it still floods me with emotion as the XW and I saw them live in November when they were touring this album.
I find emotional relief in this album as I listen and read the lyrics. The whole album is about the loss of someone important. It has helped me a ton, and the music is great. Having someone verbalize the pain and struggles you feel give me comfort. Misery loves company, right...
I am not waiting for her or expect this to be what will happen. They could get M and stay that way for the rest of their lives, but I see him as not the kind of person she would ever respect. She even told me before how little respect she had for this person two or three years ago.
I believe in many cases the OM is is a lower level from her usual standards, b/c he fits into that whole realm of rebellion she's experiencing. In my case, I married a "goody-two shoes", in fact, we both were. So, my OM was more of a bad boy type. With him, I felt as if I had that bad girl fantasy going on, and it was a thrill b/c I had always been the person I was "expected" to be.......as a daughter, a wife, and mother. I really never acted out in rebellion when growing up. I shudder to think what would have happened if I had left my life here and went to be with him. I finally started seeing little cracks in his armour and in time I knew that I did not belong in his life.......and he sure didn't fit in mine!
Yeah, just like any WW she seems to be rebelling and acting out towards what she is expected to be.
As far as me... Why do I still get knots in my stomach when I upset people. I definitely need to do more work towards not being a nice guy. I am on chapter three of the book and getting towards the nuts and bolts of it, but I definitely need to not care if I upset people.
The XW sent a text because I was at her house this weekend and gathered more of my things. I didn't give her advanced notice and she was out of town. Good reason to be upset. So now I have a knot in my stomach because she may be upset. I will give myself a little credit that it is not as big of a knot as before but I still have some work to do to not act or feel like this.
I have been doing GAL things and steadily feeling better. I get excited for the idea of dating again or at least interacting with women. I have noticed women noticing me which feels great.
My oldest keeps asking about why the XW and I don't live together. Out of the blue he told me he remembered "mom's friend's" name who is the OM. I was not as upset as I thought I would be when it is put right in my face. I didn't bring it up or say anything about it to my son. I had a head full of comments, but it is not the appropriate thing to do for anyone in this situation. I simply said "oh" and left it at that as he had already changed subjects.
More GAL for the week and I have been having fun with catching up with old friends as we are now in our 30s and having adult issue and problems. Oh the days when homework and cleaning our bedrooms seemed terrible.
Onwards and Upwards
Having a great day today, feel really up and happy. I even got a comment today that it was nice to see the old Gogofo around the office. Most of my co-workers did not know what was going on with me the past 16 months until about a month and a half ago. Now they see me starting to be happy and upbeat again.
I even got the comment from my family the other day that it was nice seeing me smile.
Still have my days, but I can feel myself awakening again from the gloomy situation I had worked myself into. I feel stronger each and every day. They are the smallest tiniest of gains, but after a couple of weeks they really do add up.
Going to GAL this weekend with my friends, I am not dad this weekend.
I have a friends wife who is trying to set me up with a girl she ran into at a jewelry party. They were trying to Facebook stock me, but I have no social media accounts and I am hard to find pictures of on the internet even though I have a completely unique name (only 1 listing in the U.S.)
I had to send her a picture of myself, which is always fun trying to find a picture of yourself that you like. Out of the 1,700 on my phone, only 5 had me alone without XW or kids and I only liked one. I sent it and a message saying I hoped I looked sexy enough. She laughed and said "I was an easy sell, I have a lot going for me." Then it hit me, she is absolutely right. I do have a lot going for me and I am a good person and many women would be so lucky as to be with me. The fool left me...
That is a great post Go. Please update us more often.
Another quick update from me. I keep getting comments about how happy I seem and how I am acting like my old self. I feel it too. I never felt this personally good when the XW and I were doing good during our reconciliation attempts
There really is a different feeling to being happy with yourself instead of being happy because of the relationship or because the W is happy, etc.
I have been getting flattered by the attention I am getting from women. Some to the point to where I think there could be a connection between me and another girl. I use girl as she is 10 years younger than I am.
I had kind of known her before and spent an evening out with her and her friends when I ran into them about 3 weeks ago. I thought we were just having fun and talking. Last Saturday I was out and saw her again and we talked and hung out that night again. This time I was getting the "look" from her, the one that kind of shows interest. We talked some more and seem to have a connection.
Now the issue. She is the daughter of one of my bosses/co-owner in my company. Her father and I have a good strong friendship and really respect each other on a work and personal level. So I know her through her dad, but things seems to be clicking between us. Not sure what I want to do or how I feel about pursuing it. She has done a little more of the pressure applying than I have.
She is also in a different place in her life than I am, which can be expected because of the age difference. More later...
Gofo,
You sound stronger lately and that's wonderful to see.
I want to caution you that you would want to keep an open mind about this 24-year old woman. Not get too caught up on the superficial stuff. Let things happen organically between you. Remember your DBing skills?!
You might be surprised at learning what this woman may have to offer. Some 24-year olds are incredibly mature.
Gofo,
You sound stronger lately and that's wonderful to see.
I want to caution you that you would want to keep an open mind about this 24-year old woman. Not get too caught up on the superficial stuff. Let things happen organically between you. Remember your DBing skills?!
You might be surprised at learning what this woman may have to offer. Some 24-year olds are incredibly mature.
Hello Gofo,
I agree with my friend Wonka -- you sound stronger. Keep it going.
I wish you well.
Bob
Gofo,
You sound stronger lately and that's wonderful to see.
I want to caution you that you would want to keep an open mind about this 24-year old woman. Not get too caught up on the superficial stuff. Let things happen organically between you. Remember your DBing skills?!
You might be surprised at learning what this woman may have to offer. Some 24-year olds are incredibly mature.
I am feeling stronger and it is wonderful to experience. A painful truth may be that I may have never hit this point with the D. I don't think I would have properly detached and GAL'd in the ways I needed. I feel like I woke up.
I am definetly not pushing hard with this girl and am just letting things play out as they happen. There does seem to be a spark there between us though.
I have been asking close friends there opinion as I don't want to do something unadvisable based on hormones. No one has told me it is a bad idea, I don't feel it is either.
She doesn't seem to be immature or still stuck in the whole high school phase of relationship and life drama. I just see us in very different places in our lives. We both have something to offer each other but even though share similar arcs, our vectors have different endings.
If things progress I am going to be honest with her about what I think I am looking for right now in a relationship as it may not be what she wants. I need to lay it all out in the beginning and not have any covert contracts.
What do I want? Fun, first and foremost I want to have fun with someone I care about and I want fun in my life. Respect for each other and our desires. Personal time with our own friends. Intimacy together. Openess with our feelings, wants, desires. I also want a fairly low commitment, but stay committed and exclusive with each other.
If we get there I will lay it out to her, she can let me know what she wants. If she is looking for that certain someone to marry it will probably send me packing. But I don't just want a random booty call (I think).
I also have two friends that want me to meet a girl in a similar situation as me. She is the same age, soon to be divorced, very nice, very attractive, and lives in a differnt town 15 miles away. She is getting out of a bad M where she was cheated on and her XH got the girl pregnant. This girl is unable to have children of her own. On paper we are a good match and sound great for each other.
What scares me is she sounds like someone to have a long term R with and I know I am not emotionally ready for that as I doubt anyone freshly D'd is.
My friend that is working on it told me today that there is no need for us to go on a date with each other. She said she is not a rebound girl, she is a relationship girl and said the same about me. It was a nice compliment. She also said I am a very desireable man for many reasons.
So my mind wanders and gets me thinking too much but it would be nice to have a practice R with the young girl and then go on to more serious things. If I was the 24 year old I would not be looking to have a serious R with a 34 year old who has two kids and a career that keeps him rooted where I currently live. Have fun with me, yeah I can provide and do things that a lot of her age group can't. But I think the both of us would know that in the end we would be going our seperate ways. I would not encourage her to stay with me instead of chasing a career etc.
I need to stop thinking and get some sleep but I want anyone who is in the think of it that there is life and happiness after D. Just keep working on yourself. If you would have told me two months ago that I would feel like this I would never have believed it.
Something I find funny or unusual is the fact that my XW still lies to me. She has excuses sometimes about why she cannot get the kids after school so I need to get them, etc. Half the time it seems like she is lying to me or being dishonest. It makes me shake my head.
We are divorced, why would she feel she needs to lie to me or withhold the complete truth? Is it a guilt thing or not wanting to own up to what is going on? I have no idea. I thought that if she wanted to a divorce she would not be dishonest with me about what she is doing. I don't pry or inquire, she is the one providing the information.
For instance this morning I took the kids to school instead of dropping them off at her place. This is completely not a big issue for me. She told me she had an 8:00 meeting. Well I get to the bus stop and what I assume is the OM's truck is in the driveway. This stung a little, but is not ruining my day. When I get to her work to drop off our youngest boy her car is not in the parking lot.
I just laughed as it seems like she is trying to live a secret life.
Back to me... It is Friday and my Mom's birthday, I have a friend coming through town this weekend, tomorrow I have a full day planned from dusk till dawn that includes kid's time and family time and hair cuts at my brother's new barber shop and ending with the boxing match at another friends house... So excited.
Here is my mother's day tip or what I plan to do. Home Depot has kids activity classes on the first Saturday of every month. Tomorrow the kids will be building picket fence picture frames for Mother's Day. I will have the kids build them and put a picture of each of them in it and have them give it to her.
I have thought long and hard about what to do for mother's day. I thought about doing nothing, but that would be because of my anger towards her and the D; not who I am trying to be. I want to forgive, but not forget. The reason I am doing the picture thing is that I still respect her as the mother of my children.
Hope this helps someone in their decisions about what to do.
This last weekend had the potential to be rough, but I made it through in pretty good fashion.
It was exactly one year ago that the XW and I had our first meaningful night together since she left me at the beginning of the year. I remember because it was the day of my mom's birthday and I went over to her house and made her pizza since I had made it earlier that evening for my mom. I remember how excited I was that we were trying again.
I thought I would have a lot of those feelings come up again and feel the loss all over again, etc. I had some feelings, but the emotional pain was not there as hard as I figured it would be. I was sad every now and then and also a little mad, but it didn't bring me down.
When looking back I also see that I was not in as good of a place with my self than I am today, so that is a very good thing for me.
My weekend was busy busy and that also helped too. I visited Friday night with an old friend, Saturday was super busy from 8:00 to 11:00 p.m. between kids stuff, mom's birthday, and the boxing match, Sunday was busy again and I had my friend over for dinner before they left.
It was nice to talk with my friend and his wife and run down my whole M and D and all points in between. It helps me to talk about it and hear other perspectives. My friend turned very religious in the last couple years and he said that him and his wife and their prayer chain will be praying for us. I found this a very generous and sweet action from him, no matter my personal beliefs.
The XW came over to pick up the boys and my friend and his family was still there. I think it caught the XW off guard and she seemed to wheel around quickly and leave. It was nice to have people there after the exchange as I get down when the boys first leave.
Last night I had a weird dream about the XW and the facts escape me except for I think I was unloading on her all calling her on all the crap she pulled during our M and reconciliation attempt and all the OM stuff. I was really angry and blamed her for what has been destroyed, family wise. Looks like I still have some Nice Guy rage in me and I will need to deal with this. The D is still pretty fresh, but I do feel I am making progress.
Randomly saw the girl I like at a stop sign over the weekend. Kind of random as she lives 200 miles away. She smiled really big and waved. My oldest boy had his window down and waved back too. He said "I waved at that girl so she knows she is nice." I have been telling him to always wave and say hi to the pretty girls, it made me laugh.
On a side note an employee and I have been talking and sending text messages back and forth about dealing with loss, pain, etc. He lost his dad and his GF left him in the same year and has been struggling to move forward. Oddly his old GF was my SIL and they met at a house party I had years ago. This all happened about 9 years ago and he has just felt at a loss and drifting.
He started asking me how I can be so happy and stay upbeat through all I have just been through as he didn't know till the end about my D. So I trade stories with him and share techniques and hope it will help him. He has other things that have held him back and caused him stress over the years. A lot of people in the office have wanted to help him out over the years but couldn't find the way. I started opening up and being honest with my feelings to him and he has started the same so it is nice to see my general happiness and growth through all this being noticed and helping others.
Hi Go.
It's not a NG thing to feel rage at what has happened. It's pretty normal.
I kind of figured so, but I need to work through the rage as I don't want it to affect my life or emotions.
Had an emotional moment last night. My oldest had been eating around an nursing a loose tooth all weekend, it was pretty close to come out. Well last night the XW sent a video of him playing with it and then two pictures of it out. It hit me hard and is getting me again as I type this.
I am sad that I do not get to experience these things with him because of the D. It makes me mad and makes me feel like everyone is cheated out of a more full filling life. Made me sad not to be there. I have only been there for one of his teeth.
I responded with a simple "thanks". She responded with "Tried to get him to save it for you but he played with it all night". That one got my blood boiling. Unfortunately the D makes it impossible for me to be there for all milestones in his life and it makes me feel cheated. I did not respond. I just sat and cried for 10 minutes.
The good thing is that I am able to work through these feelings quicker than before and they don't ruin me for a day or two.
That is heart breaking Go, I can feel how saddened you are about it.
Thanks for sharing though.
Another update
Had a great last weekend. Hung out at my brother’s barber shop and then went out with my friend. Bar hopped a little and ran into some other friends and there mom. She was very interested in me meeting one of her daughter’s friends. I guess word is out that I am single and I guess people still think highly of me as a good person.
So this girl and I chatted it up for a while and exchanged phone numbers while her fiend (that I know) was harassing me the whole time about hitting on her friend. Nice try, but not embarrassed. She is a cute younger girl who lives in a town about 15 miles away so we had never crossed paths before.
Went home that night and started to smoke some pulled pork for a house warming party I was having on Saturday.
House full of good friends on Saturday night, most had not seen my new place and we had not all been together as a big group in a long time. It was a really fun time. Tried inviting the girl and her friends from the night before but they did not respond to my text message that night until super late.
Come 6:25 in the morning the girl sends a text message to harass me since she knew I was partying the night before. I laid in bed, with a well-earned headache, until about 11:00 while texting back and forth with her all morning.
Decided I would be out of character and ask her to dinner that night. I would usually wait to try and casually run into her or be scared of rejection, but I am trying to put myself out there and not be shy or reserved. I have been trying to push my comfort limits and try to progress.
It took her about 1.5 hours to respond, but she said yes and seemed enthusiastic. She later admitted that shots of tequila may have clouded her memory of how I looked, but said she remembered thinking that I was handsome. What newly divorced middle aged man doesn’t like to hear that from a 26 year old.
So we met and had a quiet dinner and I was nervous, first time doing this in 10 years, but wanted to push my limits. We hugged and parted and went home. It was enjoyable and slightly awkward but I don’t think she noticed. Texted a little back and forth last night and seems we may be meeting up again sometime soon. It was weird to feel self-conscious about myself, noticed thinning hair a year ago and had a fever blister that was healing. I felt old and it felt unusual to talk about my kids while having dinner. Sometimes I feel like I am damaged goods, but I am working through those feelings and focusing on all the positives about me.
I am nervous about what I will feel or how I will act after being through the pain of divorce, but I have been trying to do me work. I have also started to re-read a book about starting over after a divorce. Not sure what I am looking for, besides having fun, but I plan to take it slow.
So things have been looking up and progressing for me. I think less and less about the D and XW with the more I do and all the GAL I am trying to get in. I am trying to continue to do my work as I feel I am not a complete “person” right now, but I am well on my way.
Quickly finding out what it is like to try and date when you have kids and a job; makes is hard to coordinate schedules and find time to get together. Never did have a chance to meet up with the girl I had dinner with two weeks ago. Kind of frustrating, but not too big of a deal. Don't know if there was a connection there or not, but wanted to find out.
Having a slump in my feelings the last couple of days. My oldest's birthday is coming up next week and I have been feeling anger about the D again. I remember last year the feelings we had and the place we were at seemed hopeful. So I think the next week and a half will have me upset as I get through this first b-day while divorced. Just makes me mad not only for me but also for my kids. Not how their lives were supposed to be.
I know the only way to feel better is to live through the experience. I have been talking with a co-worker who D'd 5 years ago and had a similar situation. He said the first of every event is really hard, but I will get through it.
I now need to work through my feelings and anger about this. I have been having dreams about telling XW off and being angry at her. I think it is because of the upcoming b-day.
Right now I feel like her wanting the D and not wanting to work on the M was very selfish, I hate her for that and the ripple effect of pain that it caused. Parts of me feel vindictive and hope that her life turns to crap. Then I wonder if these feelings are me being selfish because I didn't get what I wanted.
My GAL for the upcoming days are go on shopping trip for b-day presents, do golf tournament for work, get camper ready, hopefully go camping for son's b-day weekend.
Yesterday the XW came inside my house for the first time. She was picking up the boys and my oldest was excited about his Lego creation. She was hesitant but walked in.
Then last night she made me royally pissed off for the first time since the D. She sent a text message and a picture that said "two years ago today" and was a picture of us on a bike tour in Spain. Wow my blood boiled and I hit a 10 instantly. I must have screamed F%@k You about ten times when I read it. I wanted to text it back to her. I was livid. I was also texting a friend and he helped me calm down a little bit.
I just cannot for the life of me figure out why she would send it to me. My head was spinning last night. I know mind reading gets us nowhere so I stopped with it last night because it was just creating pain, and hope, and anger. The picture and message really screwed me up.
I am better about it today. I think if we didn't have kids I would have called her and told her over the phone what I was yelling in my house. I cannot believe she would do such a thing. Don't know what her intent was or if she expected me to respond. I did not respond.
Hi Gogofo, I can understand you feeling upset about that. But I can't imagine why your W would have sent it other than that she was feeling wistful about good times you had and missing them.
I wouldn't set much store by that, because as we know WAS minds can be all over the place. She may well be feeling differently today. Did you respond at all in the end??
T :-)
No I never did respond. I have gone a dark as possible when it comes to communication with my XW. I will talk about stuff that pertains to the kids, and even then I am short with my words.
I feel that she wanted the D so I am not letting her have any access to me or my emotions or what is going on in my life. I also do not ask her anything about her life. I tried to cut all communication that is not kids related.
Last night was my night with the boys again, which is always awesome. It also means that I get into work 2 hours later than usual so when I wake up I check my text messages to see if any of my employees have sent me messages about work or being sick, etc.
Well there was one message this morning and it was from the XW. She sent a message that said "awake?" at 1:30 in the morning. Not sure why she is sending me a picture from a happy time two years ago and now she sends a message in the middle of the night asking if I was awake. I know that she used to do wine night with her friend on Thursdays, maybe she was drinking and has been reminiscing and felt the need to reach out. Only she knows and I need to quit mind reading.
I am not going to respond or ask her about it. If she really needs to talk to me or wants to talk to me she can make the effort and become the pursuer.
Time to go back and refresh myself on the Wayward Wife threads. I honestly did not think she would reach out to me, but looking at it, it seems to be in the same time line as last year from when she moved out and then a couple months later started to initiate contact again.
Wow, one month since my last update. Time has been flying by.
Work always picks up in the summer as does my play time. I have been trying to keep on working on myself and have been doing fairly well.
I do not communicate with the XW much, don't want to. I still have anger towards her and don't feel like conversing with her.
Had a couple difficult days in the last month. I had my oldest's b-day party. I took the boys camping, at their request, and had lots of fun. I got emotional at night and cried a little while I sat alone at the campfire. I was sad about the situation and that the kids could not have mom and dad together anymore. It was also hard to have a b-day without the family together. I feel like the boys are being cheated.
Then there was father's day and a combined b-day party where I invited friends and family over to celebrate both boys b-days; they were born a month apart.
I noticed I had slowed my GAL a little bit so I started keeping a "To Do" list that I have been consulting and that has helped.
Over the years I have wanted to exercise but never have gotten to make it a habit. I am trying again and have purchased some kettle bells and a mace. I have a friend who has been doing this stuff for 8 years or more and is helping me out and excited I am starting.
My grandma has spent a week in the hospital and is now in a nursing home. If she gets strength back, she can go home but that does not seem likely. My mother is a nurse and does not see her as doing well enough to come home. This has been a little rough to process since I am all cried out over the last year and a half, but I am sure it will hit me and sink in pretty soon.
Not sure if I should let XW know that grandma is sick or not. I know she really cared about her but my anger about the D makes me not want to tell her. I feel she has no right to know. She made her choice of wanting to be a part of my family, and this is what happens when you choose to get out. I may change my mind, who knows. If she asks I will tell her, but I will not offer her any information.
I still lurk on the site, but just as last year, in the summer I get busy. I also don't feel as attached/dependent to the website as I was before. I still feel the need to check in and help offer the little bit of advise I do have.
As far as the women/dating scene goes, nothing has really panned out. I am okay with this though. I felt a rush when talking with some girls and it was a little too strong. There was still a feeling of the need to be with someone, not the want. So I have backed off a little and am not focused on finding a girlfriend. I think this is the healthier move.
I have been angry the last couple of days. I seem to get angry when it is the "first" of something as being divorced. This last Sunday was my youngest's birthday and I was not able to see him or be with him. This was very difficult to deal with and I kind of put it out of my mind. Yesterday I had a quick text exchange with the XW and it just made it all seem real again. I was mad last night at the whole D situation.
Now days it seems my emotions have been so beat down that it takes a couple days for them to hit me. I felt like crying last night but couldn't do it. I wanted to but I just couldn't get the emotions to come out.
Life has been going well for me. I am getting my new house further in order and my kids are happy and healthy.
I feel like I am missing love/woman in my life. I keep comparing how I am doing now with last year and last year at this time I was full of hope and excitement as the XW and I were working on the M (or so I thought).
Now I find myself missing the interaction with someone that cares for you and I also care about. I don't feel lonely, but I miss that connection. I also miss the physical intimacy. I don't know if this means that I haven't healed enough and I am dependent on a loving relationship or not.
My anger also comes with regret and wishing that the XW would come back around with whatever she is going through and decide to fix what was broken between us. I think I would take her back, with the correct attitude and work. I wish I didn't have these thoughts, I don't like thinking about her. It just reminds me of what I thought we could be and when we were good. Makes me angry and sad.
Back to working on me and my personal growth. I am having a down time right now that I need to get through. I know I can make it through it, just takes time.
I spent the entire weekend, about 20 hours, building bunk beds for my boys. I made their beds out into full size beds and asked if they wanted bunks or two separate rooms, and they wanted bunks. Kind of cute that they like sharing a bedroom. This way they get a play room also.
I went overboard and built something that is too heavy to move once in place. I guess an engineering degree and design projects don't go well when left un-checked.
I still have some angry feelings towards the XW and the D. I have been having dreams with her in it where I am mad, or when I am telling her to take accountability for her actions. She has just crept back into my thoughts recently.
It was awesome seeing the kids and have them over the weekend, they can really cheer me up. I also realized that when they leave on Sundays I find myself running out of the house right after. The silence and emptiness breaks my heart, especially after my emotions are running high watching the kids leave.
I am figuring out what I want in my life right now, or what I think I am missing. I want someone I care about, and who cares about me, to participate in my life with me. I want to laugh and cry and love with someone. After a 10 year relationship having someone to do this with has now left me missing it. All of last week I wanted a hug from someone who cares about me. There are other things besides the D going on that have been fairly stress inducing and I just needed that special embrace you get from a partnership.
At the kid swap yesterday I did my usual non conversational exchange. I know it is mind reading, but there isn't some of the pleasant happy emotion I had noticed earlier in the D or the end of the M.
This morning she sent a text message asking if I wanted to go have lunch with her and the kids. I just responded, "thanks, I have plans." I do not know what the reason or invitation was about, and I am trying my hardest not to mind read.
Today I should be getting my suit and hopefully getting the pants altered for length before the weekend. One of my very good childhood friends is having a wedding/reception on Saturday and I am "officiating" it for them. They were legally married in December and are now going to have the celebration but they wanted to go through the motions for everyone, so I am standing with them and performing the ceremony.