I need help, advice please please please - 02/05/15 11:49 PM
So me Male 27, and wife (26) have been together for 11 years, married for 5. We have had a great marriage, never argue or fight I love her more than I could ever imagine. And her she would buy me expensive gifts tell everyone how amazing I was all the time, tell them how sexy I am...
About 3 years ago I had my first panic attack. It was very disturbing and I thought that was that I was having a heart attack and I was a goner. I had every test done in the book and they said everything was fine it was anxiety. I never thought in a thousand years stress and anxiety could do that much to someone so I thought they were missing something and I was really sick. So it came and went I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder which means basically I have bad anxiety often, usually daily, and way worse than any a "normal" person has. I also have become a hypochondriac due to this and to be honest it has taken a toll on me and my marriage. My wife tried to get me to see a therapist but I was so anxious i couldn't even do that. I ended up quitting a job I had for 6 years to move to Florida to start a better life. I knew I couldn't quit and stay where I was because it was one of the better jobs around. So 3 years ago we packed and moved to Florida.
We started out both working in a restaurant. Ever day was like my first as far as my anxiety went. So my wife saw this and was very sad because she really couldn't help. For her, she loved working at the restaurant, she excelled quickly and became a manager. 2 years ago the owners sold the restaurant and started another one and made Kayla the General Manager. I took over my brothers swimming pool contracts where weekly I would visit pools and clean them work on them whatever they needed. I brought in enough money to cover rent and utilities but it was a bs job in reality. I was hoping something would magically catch my eye and I would then have a goal to work towards a career but it never happened.still the wife and I were happy I loved to see her but didn't see her as much due to her job.
So moving on to the past 6 months.She is still in the restaurant working 50 hours a week from 11a-11p sometimes earlier sometimes later. I took a semester at school trying to work on myself and did good in school but I didn't know what I was going for. She mentioned a few times I should get out of the house or get some kind of job. The problem i was having was she is off random days, i did the pool stuff 2 days a week, and the other few days I would help my brother or have something going on. I felt guilty going out to do anything at all because I felt like if she is working so hard I didn't want to spend money or have fun while she was there. So I sat at home alot just waiting for her to get home. She would come home be exhausted we would get in the hot tub watch our shows... We never really did anything fun or new because she was always so tired and just wanted a day to relax or get stuff done like taxes,...
Now to d day. I watch the walking wife syndrome and it nails us to a t. She would talk about this guy coming into the bar, he was a beer rep. I assumed he was older or ugly whatever. Well at the Christmas party I finally met him. He was my age a descent looking guy so I was a bit jealous. A few weeks after the party I went to the restaurant which is a 45 minute drive so i didn't get up there too often and also she was so busy i didn't really get to see her. I made 3 more trips to the restaurant and he was there every time. So i start to get suspicious. a few days after that it was about time for ehr to come home so I called her and she didn't answer. I called some employees and they told me they closed and She left a long time ago. Finally I get a text from her that she was going out to have a beer. Which is not like her. Finally she calls and said Im not going to be happy but she went out with this guy. I played it cool just so she would come home and then when she pulled in the driveway I rushed out there and basically lost it.Asking what does she want what is she doing...We sleep in separate rooms and talk the next day. She says then that she loves me but she isn't in love with me and she is unhappy. I kind of start to figure out that ok she could possibly leave and immediately I call a therapist, start exercising, and looking into the future for the first time ever. I told her we need to see marriage consolers, we need to communicate...
A few days go by and she is off work. She says she need to go buy some tennis shoes so we can go to the gym together. I was out career hunting and she went to a place which is strange to go just for shoes. When I got home I started doing some digging. I found she texted this guy like 70 times so i played it cool got her home and confronted her. She of course didn't buy shoes, i asked if she talked to him she denied it and I confronted her with all the times she texted him. Then she told me obviously she did and she went to meet him for coffee. I kept my cool asked her to figure out what she wanted and to let me know. She talked to alot of our family and said she wants to work on our marriage. She said she would stop texting him.
Up until then I tried talking her openily telling her how much she means to me hugging her tight...A week goes by and I go up to the restaurant and an employee who is my friend was there and I asked him if this guy was still was coming in. He said yea all the time. I pulled her to the back and was stern about how she lied to me, I felt betrayed, she was going to lose everyone. She need to come pack a bag. When I got home a realized it was a little too harsh so I sent her a text we need to talk when she got home figure all this out. She comes home and we kind of talked i told her how much she means to me, I had a job interview, my anxiety was doing great because I was going to the gym everyday, I am talking to people communicating, and still seeing the therapist.
About 3 days goes by and she worked everyday. I told her I'm not goin to look who she is texting im not going to spy on her I was kind of giving her space. I couldn't take it anymore, I was miserable wondering if she is still texting this guy or seeing him if her was there so i made my mind up maybe she should stay at her cousins for a few nights and figure some stuff out but I let that be her decision. She told me she was going to stay there and have some alone time because she was feeling smothered between her mom and cousin and me and all these people trying to tell her that Im a great guy basically. So this whole time I'm doing everything to work on me be a great husband, get a job, suggest marriage consoling.
Now 2 days ago. Her cousins are big partiers they stay up till 4am in a 1 bedroom house so i start to question is this really the best place for her to stay. She then tells me she has been looking at apartments all day and ends up getting one the next morning. She came yesterday and packed her clothes.
I told her over the past 3 weeks how much she means to me, what she is giving up, how much I love her, Im changing, and in response I only get she doesnt know whats wrong with her, she doesnt want to hurt me, she is sorry, im the greatest husband anyone could ask for. So now she is on her own, im alone, I watched the walking wife syndrome and took the advice, keep working on me, give her lots of space so I havent texted or called but she calls me and still tells me she loves me but the problem is she acts like everythign is normal. She talks to my sister in law and says she has been unhappy for 2 years which I see now may have some truth but not the entire time like she says. She is like a completely different person. She seems sad, stressed, unhappy even now that she left. I know it has only been a few days.
So today, I have a job I enjoy I am working on myself everyday, giving her space, she calls every night but just acts like everything is fine and she has this giant wall around her and her heart has hardened. When I talk to her I act like Im not moping around Im usually at the gym i enjoy my job. I think that's all I can do. Also I should have said this earlier but I honestly dont think she was having a sexual affair. But an emotional affair yes and I told her that a few weeks ago. Im sure she is still texting him and he goes up there but what now. Tonight I am going to tell her, She already knows I want this marriage to work, she knows how I feel, she is taking a break to work on herself, but right now I really need to find out who I am as well. I cant be sad or depressed that she is gone, I need to find my new self again. Today I feel like I am the husband she has been needing and wanting but she doesnt know what she wants. So there is a fine line in me waiting and giving her time to figure out who she is or if she is seeing is anything is going on with this other guy and I am plan B. I think she needs time to herself but if she keeps filling it with busy activities she wont have the time she needs. So alot has happened fast in this last 3 weeks and I don't know what to do. I love my wife I never thought I should have to think what it is like without her, she knows what Im doing for myself and says she is proud of me, I apologized for taking advantage for her for the past 2 years and that I didn't do this sooner. I understand that this is both of our faults, we didn't communicate, I was depressed and didn't think about me in the future. So I need help what do I do, I cant give her an ultimatum because I thinks its too early and she will say no she doesn't want to work on us, so I guess I am taking the long road? Give her time? Work on me and hope for the best? I don't know. I have tried everything I kept my cool most of the time when I realized that she could possibly be unhappy and it was my fault. Someone help!
About 3 years ago I had my first panic attack. It was very disturbing and I thought that was that I was having a heart attack and I was a goner. I had every test done in the book and they said everything was fine it was anxiety. I never thought in a thousand years stress and anxiety could do that much to someone so I thought they were missing something and I was really sick. So it came and went I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder which means basically I have bad anxiety often, usually daily, and way worse than any a "normal" person has. I also have become a hypochondriac due to this and to be honest it has taken a toll on me and my marriage. My wife tried to get me to see a therapist but I was so anxious i couldn't even do that. I ended up quitting a job I had for 6 years to move to Florida to start a better life. I knew I couldn't quit and stay where I was because it was one of the better jobs around. So 3 years ago we packed and moved to Florida.
We started out both working in a restaurant. Ever day was like my first as far as my anxiety went. So my wife saw this and was very sad because she really couldn't help. For her, she loved working at the restaurant, she excelled quickly and became a manager. 2 years ago the owners sold the restaurant and started another one and made Kayla the General Manager. I took over my brothers swimming pool contracts where weekly I would visit pools and clean them work on them whatever they needed. I brought in enough money to cover rent and utilities but it was a bs job in reality. I was hoping something would magically catch my eye and I would then have a goal to work towards a career but it never happened.still the wife and I were happy I loved to see her but didn't see her as much due to her job.
So moving on to the past 6 months.She is still in the restaurant working 50 hours a week from 11a-11p sometimes earlier sometimes later. I took a semester at school trying to work on myself and did good in school but I didn't know what I was going for. She mentioned a few times I should get out of the house or get some kind of job. The problem i was having was she is off random days, i did the pool stuff 2 days a week, and the other few days I would help my brother or have something going on. I felt guilty going out to do anything at all because I felt like if she is working so hard I didn't want to spend money or have fun while she was there. So I sat at home alot just waiting for her to get home. She would come home be exhausted we would get in the hot tub watch our shows... We never really did anything fun or new because she was always so tired and just wanted a day to relax or get stuff done like taxes,...
Now to d day. I watch the walking wife syndrome and it nails us to a t. She would talk about this guy coming into the bar, he was a beer rep. I assumed he was older or ugly whatever. Well at the Christmas party I finally met him. He was my age a descent looking guy so I was a bit jealous. A few weeks after the party I went to the restaurant which is a 45 minute drive so i didn't get up there too often and also she was so busy i didn't really get to see her. I made 3 more trips to the restaurant and he was there every time. So i start to get suspicious. a few days after that it was about time for ehr to come home so I called her and she didn't answer. I called some employees and they told me they closed and She left a long time ago. Finally I get a text from her that she was going out to have a beer. Which is not like her. Finally she calls and said Im not going to be happy but she went out with this guy. I played it cool just so she would come home and then when she pulled in the driveway I rushed out there and basically lost it.Asking what does she want what is she doing...We sleep in separate rooms and talk the next day. She says then that she loves me but she isn't in love with me and she is unhappy. I kind of start to figure out that ok she could possibly leave and immediately I call a therapist, start exercising, and looking into the future for the first time ever. I told her we need to see marriage consolers, we need to communicate...
A few days go by and she is off work. She says she need to go buy some tennis shoes so we can go to the gym together. I was out career hunting and she went to a place which is strange to go just for shoes. When I got home I started doing some digging. I found she texted this guy like 70 times so i played it cool got her home and confronted her. She of course didn't buy shoes, i asked if she talked to him she denied it and I confronted her with all the times she texted him. Then she told me obviously she did and she went to meet him for coffee. I kept my cool asked her to figure out what she wanted and to let me know. She talked to alot of our family and said she wants to work on our marriage. She said she would stop texting him.
Up until then I tried talking her openily telling her how much she means to me hugging her tight...A week goes by and I go up to the restaurant and an employee who is my friend was there and I asked him if this guy was still was coming in. He said yea all the time. I pulled her to the back and was stern about how she lied to me, I felt betrayed, she was going to lose everyone. She need to come pack a bag. When I got home a realized it was a little too harsh so I sent her a text we need to talk when she got home figure all this out. She comes home and we kind of talked i told her how much she means to me, I had a job interview, my anxiety was doing great because I was going to the gym everyday, I am talking to people communicating, and still seeing the therapist.
About 3 days goes by and she worked everyday. I told her I'm not goin to look who she is texting im not going to spy on her I was kind of giving her space. I couldn't take it anymore, I was miserable wondering if she is still texting this guy or seeing him if her was there so i made my mind up maybe she should stay at her cousins for a few nights and figure some stuff out but I let that be her decision. She told me she was going to stay there and have some alone time because she was feeling smothered between her mom and cousin and me and all these people trying to tell her that Im a great guy basically. So this whole time I'm doing everything to work on me be a great husband, get a job, suggest marriage consoling.
Now 2 days ago. Her cousins are big partiers they stay up till 4am in a 1 bedroom house so i start to question is this really the best place for her to stay. She then tells me she has been looking at apartments all day and ends up getting one the next morning. She came yesterday and packed her clothes.
I told her over the past 3 weeks how much she means to me, what she is giving up, how much I love her, Im changing, and in response I only get she doesnt know whats wrong with her, she doesnt want to hurt me, she is sorry, im the greatest husband anyone could ask for. So now she is on her own, im alone, I watched the walking wife syndrome and took the advice, keep working on me, give her lots of space so I havent texted or called but she calls me and still tells me she loves me but the problem is she acts like everythign is normal. She talks to my sister in law and says she has been unhappy for 2 years which I see now may have some truth but not the entire time like she says. She is like a completely different person. She seems sad, stressed, unhappy even now that she left. I know it has only been a few days.
So today, I have a job I enjoy I am working on myself everyday, giving her space, she calls every night but just acts like everything is fine and she has this giant wall around her and her heart has hardened. When I talk to her I act like Im not moping around Im usually at the gym i enjoy my job. I think that's all I can do. Also I should have said this earlier but I honestly dont think she was having a sexual affair. But an emotional affair yes and I told her that a few weeks ago. Im sure she is still texting him and he goes up there but what now. Tonight I am going to tell her, She already knows I want this marriage to work, she knows how I feel, she is taking a break to work on herself, but right now I really need to find out who I am as well. I cant be sad or depressed that she is gone, I need to find my new self again. Today I feel like I am the husband she has been needing and wanting but she doesnt know what she wants. So there is a fine line in me waiting and giving her time to figure out who she is or if she is seeing is anything is going on with this other guy and I am plan B. I think she needs time to herself but if she keeps filling it with busy activities she wont have the time she needs. So alot has happened fast in this last 3 weeks and I don't know what to do. I love my wife I never thought I should have to think what it is like without her, she knows what Im doing for myself and says she is proud of me, I apologized for taking advantage for her for the past 2 years and that I didn't do this sooner. I understand that this is both of our faults, we didn't communicate, I was depressed and didn't think about me in the future. So I need help what do I do, I cant give her an ultimatum because I thinks its too early and she will say no she doesn't want to work on us, so I guess I am taking the long road? Give her time? Work on me and hope for the best? I don't know. I have tried everything I kept my cool most of the time when I realized that she could possibly be unhappy and it was my fault. Someone help!
I feel great what I am doing for myself, but I miss my wife,partner,best friend to share this with. 