Previous thread! The last thread was one of serious growth and stability for me.
I've had a couple days of setbacks but not 10,000 steps back, just 2-3 and just inside myself, not necessarily on my sitch... Which is unchanged anyways so...
I want to get back where I was... Grounded, solid, strong, clear in thought, detached, etc.
I had a terrible day with D. I mean TERRIBLE. It really shook me to the core and has me all worked up. We were having a GREAT January as far as her behavior goes... And just when I start to lean back and think we've turned a corner... A day like today happens. OMG.
So, tomorrow starts my recommitment to building myself into who I want to be. I'm finding I'm ok with doing the internal work but not so good at the external work, the dream chasing (do I have dreams?), the signing up for courses, the acquiring of the job I want/need. I'm stuck in that department.
Really stuck there.
I want to thank you all for your support and guidance. Really.
[censored].
I just discovered something on Facebook and caught WAH red-handed. I can't explain right now, my head is still spinning. I'm not sure what to do. He doesn't know that I know. Given the magnitude of what this implies, I'm handling myself very well. Not one tear. Yet.
I never want to see WAH again nor hear his voice ever again. I want to vomit.
Sorry Ss. I wish I could say I was surpised - but there sure don't seem to be be many WAH stories where there isn't an OW in the mix somehow.
There's nothing I can say to make it better - it's just awful at first.
(((Ss06)))
Oh no, Ss. I'm so sorry. Big hugs to you.
It's so hard to be caught off guard. I was and it really hurt. Just remember this is all about him. You can't fix him,. Big hugs (())
Ugh...I hope you've managed some sleep, Ss. Your news has left me feeling anxious over here. I was really hoping that you and I wouldn't go the way of so many others on here with our ~6 month WAH sitch. I'm so sorry.
I didn't know what you liked, so I went out and got us some chocolate and dark ale
Hugs again.
I'm sorry too Ss, hope you're ok xx
Thinking of you Ss. Hang in there. Remember what a Rockstar you are.
I'm so sorry, Ss. That's a bad punch in the gut. I'm really, really sorry.
It IS about him and his inability to conduct himself in a mature, mutually supportive relationship. You ARE a rockstar. And knowing this, as bad as it hurts, gives you power. Now you know what you're dealing with, so you can operate more effectively.
Hugs and chocolate, lady, and remember to BREATHE.
Ss, I'm really sorry to hear that. I'm a little behind in your situation, but I've been reading your last thread.
Come on my lovely, you can handle this. Get yourself down to the LA morgue gift shop and pick outa souvenir.
I was having a bad day on Saturday but my friends on here, some mindfulness and rereading some DR halted that downward spiral.
Many inter web hugs 'n' vibes coming your way.
I'm sorry, SS. I know that's difficult to hear although I doubt you are very surprised at your core. It is a smack in the face though. When the WAS wants to "be alone", "find him or herself", or "wanting to focus on him or herself", that generally implies they plan on hooking up or are already hooking up with other peeps. That is he one thing I read I sitches that I feel horrible for the people who truly don't see it coming. I don't say that to be cavalier-just feeling sassy.
Hang in there! You are doing g-r-e-a-t:-)
SS, I'm so sorry! Hugs to you.
Ss,
You know how once you said you thought we might be sisters -- cause of our personalities? Hey look - we're even more sisters because look what the hell has happened in the last 24-72 hours of our lives?
I am so sorry for you to have to experience this. While I won't pretend that I know what you're going through, I imagine the pain you're feeling is similar to what I'm going through right now and my heart literally breaks. For you. For me. For all of us.
You're doing great. You're not vacuuming. :-)
Where are you in all of this?
Hugs to you my sweet inspiration.
Thoughts and prayers for you this morning, Ss. Let the emotions come and go, and anything you want to say to him, try to sleep on the words first. Your perspective can change a lot overnight.
I am actually ok. I cannot tell you how appreciative I am of all of you dropping by to offer your support and hugs. This place really rallies when someone is suffering. It's amazing!
I did not sleep well but I wasn't up all night crying and cursing his name.
You know in books like Eat, Pray, Love and movies about someone overcoming adversity there are always "magical moments" where the author/main character sees or hears something and it's the one pivotal moment in all of their lives that makes them realize something huge and later it's a big amazing part of their book or movie?
I think I'm always waiting for that one quote from someone wise or moment in meditation where I just am enlightened beyond belief and see so clearly what I'm supposed to do and how I'm supposed to do it and suddenly I'll start making millions and life will be amazing and men will find me hopelessly attractive and all will be right with my world quickly and beautifully.
Let's face it, that's not how it works. But I wonder if seeing your WAH's catfish Facebook page pop up in your "suggested friends" feed is one of those moments.
Yep. He started a Facebook page under his screen name on fetish sites complete with a profile picture of himself which he changed to now be a picture of a woman's hands tied up with lots of rope. How did I discover this, you ask? Did I dig and stalk? Oh no. Facebook SUGGESTED I friend him which means Facebook is SUGGESTING many of our mutual friends friend him, too.
I took a screen shot of the friend suggestion and was going to text it to him saying, "must have been bored today" but I opted to see how it transpires.
Is it possible to turn off love in a single moment?
Because that's what feels like happened; like a switch was flipped inside of me. I didn't do it, it just happened.
After my heart stopped pounding so hard and the cold sweat dissipated I thought about what I'm really fighting for here. What am I really standing for?
The sad part is, I really just don't know. I really don't.
Is this what dropping the rope feels like?
Ss-
So- I spent a lot of time thinking about your situation last night. This, in conjunction with his onetime trolling of Craigslist for escorts makes me very concerned.
First of all- it seems like he might be getting close to potentially crossing over the line into dangerous/illegal activity, no?
Second - there's also the possibility that he is actually "funding" some of these activities and funding them with marital assets. Combined with the fact that he hasn't worked in a year - if I were you I might want to lock down the finances a little more.
I can't remember if you ever saw a lawyer- but if you haven't this might be the time.
I'd be interested to hear what others think - but your situation almost seems like a private investigator might be in order. It's very possible this is all just fantasy for him and he hasn't taken any action. But then again, he might have taken it up a notch when he moved out.
I just think its time to be hardcore about protecting yourself.
Ss, wow. WWhat a tough thing to see.
I don't know if I have truly and officially dropped the rope". I think I have (I think that's why I hardly post here anymore). But maybe that is what you are experiencing. Like, a tiny twinge of feeling, but no more sobbing on the floor.
The longer I'm in this, and the more I see myself growing and changing, the more I think that I'm not the one who's lost the most. And that this was not really about me.
It takes a really hurting person to walk away...and stay away...despite the growth and change they have seen in us.
It's possible your H is just being the best version of himself that he is capable of being. Maybe he is not a "bad" person, but your standards can be higher than that. And who knows. . Maybe our H ' s will be capable of the kind of self-reflection and growth we've been capable of. I'm not holding my breath for that. I've left my H to his journey.
Hugs to you. Hang in there.
This, in conjunction with his onetime trolling of Craigslist for escorts makes me very concerned.
Oh, it wasn't a onetime thing, raliced. I found emails in 2014 to craigslist escorts that dated back to 2009.
It's funny how I didn't even consider the illegal aspect. You're right, he could be funding this stuff with marital assets...
But I live in a no-fault state. Would a PI do anything in my favor? I'm not knocking that idea down, I honestly have no idea.
I don't even know how to broach the subject of finances with WAH. His income, the income we've been living on solely for the past 7 years, is sporadic because of his industry. Despite my best efforts we've never been able to live on ANY kind of budget. Granted there's no debt but he's a card-swiping man. His last Amex bill was $3,000 and it was almost all food. Anyway, I digress...
I think I'd need to talk to a lawyer to even know what to say to him about money.
I don't even know what to do.
Claire,
IT's good to see you. I've noticed you're not around as much. Stepping away sometimes helps... but it also helps to have the support from people who totally get it.
You hit it on the head with the realization that you're not the one who has lost the most. I'm realizing that, too.
Frankly, I think our D7 has lost the most but I have limited control over that so.... yeah.
But, yes, I'm not sure I've really lost all that much. I have memories of good times, I'm getting past the memories of the horrible times and have no interest in building more of those.
The strange thing is I seriously cannot imagine a man asking me out or dating. I mean, since that switch went off last night, I immediately realized I am not and I dont' want to be emotionally attached to WAH.
The idea that all the things I always wanted with WAH - connection, true love, respect, honor, loyalty, devotion, shared sense of humor and drive... I could have these things and it wouldn't be a fairytale. Men have these things to offer. Right? I'm not silly to hope for that one day. I know I want it and I know I deserve it...
I also know WAH has no desire to provide those things. They're just not in his nature and never have been. It's not like we lost our connection... we never really had one. Honestly. I'm not just saying that because I'm hurt. I'm serious.
I am definitely not the one who is losing the most. Definitely not.
It's funny how I didn't even consider the illegal aspect. You're right, he could be funding this stuff with marital assets...
But I live in a no-fault state. Would a PI do anything in my favor? I'm not knocking that idea down, I honestly have no idea.
I don't even know how to broach the subject of finances with WAH. His income, the income we've been living on solely for the past 7 years, is sporadic because of his industry. Despite my best efforts we've never been able to live on ANY kind of budget. Granted there's no debt but he's a card-swiping man. His last Amex bill was $3,000 and it was almost all food. Anyway, I digress...
I think I'd need to talk to a lawyer to even know what to say to him about money.
True - California is a no fault state -
unless illegal activity comes into play - I guess I'm thinking about custody.
I have an 80/20 split with STBX - I fully expect that someday he will want more and I will support that and be cooperative,
but I like that right now I have them so much of the time and that I have full physical custody only because his behavior is unpredictable and somewhat erratic.
I would talk to a lawyer sooner than later - $3000 a month for food is a lot - and who knows when he will earn more?
I am actually ok. I cannot tell you how appreciative I am of all of you dropping by to offer your support and hugs. This place really rallies when someone is suffering. It's amazing!
I did not sleep well but I wasn't up all night crying and cursing his name.
You know in books like Eat, Pray, Love and movies about someone overcoming adversity there are always "magical moments" where the author/main character sees or hears something and it's the one pivotal moment in all of their lives that makes them realize something huge and later it's a big amazing part of their book or movie?
I think I'm always waiting for that one quote from someone wise or moment in meditation where I just am enlightened beyond belief and see so clearly what I'm supposed to do and how I'm supposed to do it and suddenly I'll start making millions and life will be amazing and men will find me hopelessly attractive and all will be right with my world quickly and beautifully.
Let's face it, that's not how it works. But I wonder if seeing your WAH's catfish Facebook page pop up in your "suggested friends" feed is one of those moments.
Yep. He started a Facebook page under his screen name on fetish sites complete with a profile picture of himself which he changed to now be a picture of a woman's hands tied up with lots of rope. How did I discover this, you ask? Did I dig and stalk? Oh no. Facebook SUGGESTED I friend him which means Facebook is SUGGESTING many of our mutual friends friend him, too.
I took a screen shot of the friend suggestion and was going to text it to him saying, "must have been bored today" but I opted to see how it transpires.
Is it possible to turn off love in a single moment?
Because that's what feels like happened; like a switch was flipped inside of me. I didn't do it, it just happened.
After my heart stopped pounding so hard and the cold sweat dissipated I thought about what I'm really fighting for here. What am I really standing for?
The sad part is, I really just don't know. I really don't.
Is this what dropping the rope feels like?
If this is something you can't have in your life, if this crosses your boundaries, I think you got your lightbulb moment.
Hugs
I just got a text from WAH:
"Hey,
I was wondering if you'd be interested in talking about our situation. We're just sitting in purgatory... Let me know."
I read it and immediately broke out into a sweat. Heart pounding, shallow breathing...
The weirdest part is that his text came just as I was creating a folder of "evidence" (screen shots of his emails to craigslist escorts.
I'm scared and want to cry but the reality is I can't stay married to this man and I'm 100% sure he has no intention of even trying. I think I'm scared of what that means. I'm panicking. I don't have a real job, I have ZERO family and almost no support besides you guys.
Que the dry mouth.
I need help but I don't know what I need help WITH. I don't know how to do this.
If we talk I'm afraid he'll bully me into agreeing to things I'm not yet ready to agree to. He is so good at twisting words that I believed I was the bad guy for SO LONG and yet I have a file full of photos of his prospects since 2009.
I am paralyzed. HElp.
Have you seen a lawyer? If not, go see one before agreeing to see one. Take the documentation with you to said lawyer.
After seeing the lawyer, you can make the decision to talk to your H or not.
I would advise you not to talk to him until you've talked to a L.
Hell, after your meeting with the L, you may not want to talk to him.
Haven't you mentioned that he always wants things on his terms? Make the meeting/talk if you have it -- on your terms. Whatever those may be for you.
I understand completely -- I just got a text from my H to talk to me in person tonight. I feel like I'm going to vomit.
yes, vomit is definitely part of the visceral feelings I'm experiencing.
No, I've not met with a lawyer. I found his catfish account late Sunday night and it's only Tuesday. I didn't expect this fast of a turn around. I thought I had at least a week.
Now to see if I can get a recommendation for an attorney from someone... anyone...
SS,
Sorry that you are struggling. See an attorney ASAP and NO !!!! Do not allow WAH to bully you into diddly squat. This is a business decision in which your top concern is protecting you and D.
You can do this. :-)
I know that heart-pounding feeling well, Ss.
I agree with Calibri -- step 1 is to speak with a lawyer. You don't have to pick someone to represent you this week, but you do need to get some advice. You will almost certainly be able to find a few family law attorneys who will give you a free consultation. Try to get 2 or 3 opinions before you talk to H. Remember that nothing is certain in the law, but if 2 or 3 lawyers give you the same advice, you can probably rely on it. It helps if they are very local and know the family court judges well.
Step 2 is to examine how you feel. I know you're reeling from the Facebook discovery, but are you 100% sure you are done? If so, then it doesn't matter what H says or does during the meeting; your mind is made up. That's easy (or at least, easier). But if you're not 100% sure, then I think you have to decide what your boundaries will be during the conversation with H. That's much harder, I think.
The cynic in me thinks that he must know you've discovered his second Facebook profile; the timing is just too coincidental. But if we ignore that for a moment, he is asking to talk, which is a 180 for him, right? I'm not saying you have to be open to him or anything he has to say, but I don't think you'd be a fool to listen to him, either.
I'm texting a mom from my D's school about whether she'd recommend her divorce attorney or not.
I'm laughing and crying at the same time. I'm overwhelmed, too.
This house is SO big. The idea of dividing everything up is really a point of fear for me. Just that process being so painful and tedious.
Left a message for an attorney. We'll see.
I'm not sure how to respond to STBX <----- see how I typed that?
"sure, how about next week sometime?"
I don't know what to say to him.
I second Calibiri's advice. See a lawyer first.
If you then meet with your H and you all want to move forward with D - you can simply refer him to your L, particularly if you're afraid of him bullying you.
If you can't get anyone to give you a recommendation, you can interview some near you.
I suspect that you will feel much better after you speak to one.
And Ss...chin up! Don't be afraid. You will get through all of this.
Talk to a lawyer.
Do you have a financial consultant of any kind? They are good people to talk to for recommendations.
I also went to the community college which has a program for moms in our situations. They can give you recommendations. They are TREMENDOUSLY helpful.
Your H sounds as bad as my STBX.
Don't eat the elephant, Ss. I'm proud of you.
what does don't eat the elephant mean?
Sorry, my head is spinning while I'm trying to get some work done for this event I'm putting on at D's school on Friday.
I don't know why but it means a lot, Maybell, that you said you're proud of me. I admire your grace throughout your situation and I'm hoping to exemplify the same through the rest of mine.
Sometimes hearing that someone believes in you is the boost you need to keep going. I'm proud of you for having the strength to start a file rather than wallowing in your hurt. I'm proud of you for being that firm. You've already shown a lot of strength and grace. Just keep doing what you're doing.
Eating the elephant: Imagine you had a big roast elephant on your dining table. Would you eat the whole thing in one meal? Or would you take it a little at a time and share it with others?
HUGS, Ss. You ARE a rock star.
The cynic in me thinks that he must know you've discovered his second Facebook profile; the timing is just too coincidental. But if we ignore that for a moment, he is asking to talk, which is a 180 for him, right? I'm not saying you have to be open to him or anything he has to say, but I don't think you'd be a fool to listen to him, either.
I thought about that, Elsa. Or that he found this website and is webstalking my posts. Crazy?
I don't think I'd be a fool to listen to him at all. It has to start somewhere, no?
I am very afraid that I'll be grounded and reasonable in the moment and therefore compassionate but he won't be which could result in bullying.
I'm eating the whole elephant again.
In other news, I vacuumed. Not one tear shed but I vacuumed.
uR? I'm putting out the bat signal, woman. I need you.
Vacuuming is good when you've got to do it. Don't take your coping skills away from yourself. Anyway, you do have a dog.
If you don't want to meet with him, then don't. It's OK to put him off. Say "I need some time to get my thoughts in order." Or find someone to go with you that you can rely on to be a good moral support.
When I went to talk to my H, I said specifically, "I'm here to listen." I didn't agree to anything except selling the house (because I'd already decided on that). So you can take the advice I got, which is to go prepared ONLY to listen, keeping your own counsel, taking notes, and saying that you need to give things some thought.
If he starts bullying then you very calmly put your hand up, say that you can't have that conversation if he's being disrespectful, and if he persists you get up and walk out. Deal with it through lawyers at that point. You are STRONG. Your daughter said so and she's relying on you to stay that way.
You can do this.
Ss
Just caught up on your sitch ... Ugh. I feel for you, but I also sense your spin cycle is going at an alarming rate, understandably so. I am reminded of a visit I made overseas ... The Chinese Dragon .. you will notice they either have a ball, or they are chasing it. The ball represents their Chi ... you need to realize you are in control of this. Not your H, you have the power here. There is nothing you need to decide right this second, digest what has happened ... I agree with most of the suggestions, go out and get some homework done with the lawyers, its free ... take advantage of it ... try to remove the emotions for just a bit to get yourself detached and grounded .. I know its hard .. when every fiber in you wants to scream. But you are the rock your D is relying on.
Be the Dragon that has control of the ball ... do not chase it. We have your back ... we get it ... you will get through this.
Excellent advice, Maybell.
I like the idea of saying that i need time to get my thoughts in order. I can't imagine inviting someone else to the meeting though. That just seems like a big ask of someone and man, I'd hate to be that person.
Going only to listen and information gather seems like what I need to do. I am going to have to practice my body language and facial expressions. I do not have a good poker face.
I still want to wait until I speak to a lawyer though. Being a SAHM for a majority of our marriage makes me nervous as far as how I'll be able to support myself given that I can't find a job despite my efforts.
Being able to say "I need to give things some thought" will be a very big thing for me. To allow myself to take the time to think WELL about something instead of feeling like I have to have an answer or response for him right then and there seems wonderful. Great idea, Maybell.
Gosh, thank you.
So, little known fact about Ss. I love birds. I have pictures of birds or little bird figures in every room. Some metal and modern, some ceramic and delicate. I even have a hand-drawn picture of an antique camera (another love of mine) with a bird pirched on it painted on an antique page from a dictionary (I also love words). Three of my favorite things in one piece of art. Anyway, strangely (or awesomely, you decide) while I was vacuuming and looking at my birds, a song popped into my head.
"... every little thing is gonna be alright. Don't worry, about a thing.... three little birds"
amazing.
Why do I get the feeling many of you were waiting for me to come to the realization that this might be the way to go in my sitch.
I thought about that, Elsa. Or that he found this website and is webstalking my posts. Crazy?
I highly doubt he's found this website or your username. You know him way better than me, but he doesn't sound like the kind of guy that could calmly sit on that kind of secret. He probably would have blown up on you by now after reading something you wrote.
I'm so sorry you found that. That is disgusting. Just know that his behavior now or in the past does not define who you are. Don't dwell on the "how could I marry a guy like this" thought. HIS sh**, not yours! It does have to be so hard to learn things like that about someone you loved for the better part of 2 decades, even with the extended S and what you learned about the escorts last year.
You're right, you need uR! I'll throw out a bat signal for you on my thread, although I'm sure she'll find yours by the time she finds mine. But you're getting lots of great words from everyone here, too.
Hey SS, so sorry I wasnt around. Even more sorry for the poor choices your h continues to make and that you had to see that.
So, first let's get through the business end of this. My state is a no fault state. My h racked up $60,000 in credit card bills I knew nothing about. He had them sent to another address, paid them from an account I didnt know about either. I was, in the divorce, responsible for half. He also invaded my retirement funds without my knowledge. I lost all of that. I was told I should have known, as his wife, what he was doing. Now granted we werent separated at the time, but, still.
I dont want to scare you, ok, maybe I do a little. Knowledge is power, S. I dont want to see you wind up in trouble in that way. Gather whatever info you can.
The initial consult is free. Go in with a list of questions. Also, if you can find the snarkiest lawyer and see him, then, your h cant use him.
These are things I wish I knew.
Now, as far as your h, there is absolutely nothing wrong with telling him you need time. That is your right. Dont worry if it angers him...who cares?
And I have used the exact words Maybell said. When my xh would speak to me in a way that I felt was disrespectful or bullying in any way. I would stand up, put my hand in front of me and tell him I was not going to continue the convo if he spoke to me in that manner and I walked out. Took a couple of times, but, he eventually got it.
As far as what you are feeling, I am sorry you are hurting. What you saw was very hurtful. I think your h has serious issues, S. I think its time you put trying to save your marriage on the back burner and you take care of you.
You dont have to make a decision today or tomorrow about what you want to do. I will say that what he is doing is very disrespectful to you. I can see why you are questioning what you want.
So, first things first, make some phone calls. Do not talk with him if you cant do it with strength and clarity. He doesnt like it, too freakin bad for him.
Take back your power here, S. I truly believe things happen for a reason. I believe you needed to see some things in order to regain your control.
He doesnt deserve you as he is now, my friend. Not one bit.
Now is the time to look fear right in the face and push it back. Because F that, S. Right now, he cant shine your shoes.
If or when you do speak with him, and remember that is YOUR choice, you owe him nothing....be sure to show him confidence and calm. Do not allow him to mess with your head or talk in circles. You know the truth here.
Remember that this in on him. It has nothing to do with your worth or any lacking in you. It is a lacking in him.
He is broken, S. Thats clear. He needs to figure himself out. Whether he can or not remains to be seen. But...not your problem.
So, gather yourself up. You need to get yourself together and get angry some. This is not ok. In any way.
I know what you are made of, S. I have seen it even if you havent always. You can do this. I know it without a doubt.
We will be here rooting you on.
Bob Marley has a song for every moment.
You're getting some good advice here, Ss. First things first, take some deep breaths. Next up, let's see what the lawyer(s) has to say.
Oh uR, I'm so glad you stopped by!!
I am so grateful you told me about the debt your xh racked up and that he invaded your retirement account. I have access to all accounts but like you said, he could have something I don't know about. Duly noted. I will definitely mention it to the atty when we meet (she didn't return my call, oy).
You're not scaring me; I need the facts. Comfort comes in knowing what I need to know to make the best choices I can for myself and my D.
When he calls tonight to talk to D, I'll tell him I need I do some thinking before we sit down to talk but that I'll let him know a good time for me and we can do that soon. How's that sound?
I don't think it will anger him, and like you said, who cares?
I've decided what I need to do, I just need to remember that I shouldn't and simply can't do it all and solve it all in 30 days. Taking time to think things through, to calm down before interactions, to be the person I've learned to be in the face of all of this.
I want to look back on all this and say "you did good, Ss, you did real good".
You're right, uR, I did need to see some things in order to regain control. I knew about emails to escorts back in July. I conveniently was clouded by my desire to change and hope to make things work that I didn't really perceive the magnitude of it all this time. The separation provided the space for me to not have to face it so I thought *maybe* he's making changes. I didn't see anything to the contrary so I chose to believe the best.
Then BLAMO!! FB suggests a new friend and just like that the facts hit me. Duh.
I don't know why but I'm kind of surprised that you think he has serious issues. I know it's not ok in any way. So much so I'm pretty sure it's DB-proof.
See, I don't trust my perspective often and it's always a shock to me when someone validates what I suspect to be true but I'm not sure because I don't trust my perspective.
I'm gathering myself up, guys. I'm working worst-scenarios in my head (this helps me prepare so I'm not caught off guard... Old habit from an abusive childhood) and I'm visualizing how I want to present myself through this.
I'm laughing at myself for being in denial for this long but it's what I needed at the time, and I'm so glad you folks are there to walk me out of that trap.
In yoga yesterday my teacher was talking about how she's in the business of transformation; of helping people notice the brick wall (resistance) and to build a door in it. She went on to say that doors inside us only open from the inside so we have a responsibility there.
I found that all very interesting and it really resonated with me. This was spoken quite literally as I was thinking about D, something I've been resisting for months, possibly years now. I'm determined to build a door and to have the courage to walk through it with my head held high.
(((SS))). You've been such a good listener to me on here. Thinking about you tonight. Sounds like you got a lot of great advice. I agree that you should take your time and let your H know you need to think.
p.s. I have a couple of bird pictures in my living room and I find them very calming. It does make me think of Portlandia though and "Put a bird on it!"
Didn't mean to refer to something silly during such a tough time. Sometimes it helps me to laugh. I'm so sorry for what you're going through though. I know that this is very hard.
Ss,
The debt thing is why I'm working on legal seperation papers now. As Ur explained quite eloquently to you. I not so elequently barked at Mozza (sorry Mozza!) the same thing. I let my H take over the finances while I finished my last grueling semester of grad school. In the time I took it over, he racked up multiple
Bills, couldn't pay them (we didn't have enough money), insisted that I didn't need to her a full time job, opened up a post office box to have the bills diverted so I wouldn't find out, and didn't pay our mortgage one month. He then got several pay day loans to the tune of 30% over 5 years!!!!! And still didn't tell me. I sound out when I got notification that my credit score tanked 40 points one afternoon. And the next day, mid shower? In the winter? Has the electric company turn the power off at the base. I spent a year cleaning up that mess with him and he still owes money. Because my state is no fault, any bills he's racking up right now (and I know he is, he's not picking up his mail.) can be on me. His truck is on it's last leg. Any purchase? Could fall to me. And if we can't come to an agreement over what is what, then the court will decide. I will be be infuriated if I have to pay for a debt that was taken out behind my back. I have no idea what my H is doing with money. You have no idea what yours is doing. Ss, protect yourself and your child. Do not assume your h will do the right thing. My dad made it a pony to divorce my mom and gleefully left her penniless from the divorce. Refused to pay child support as well.
Circle the wagons. You may need it, you may not. But you have to protect your family unit.
I feel the way I do about him because of his interactions with you and your daughter. Just some stuff that sticks out to me, ya know?
I told you that I wanted to be able to look back and see some things. They were these..I wanted to know I did nothing to cause harm to the relationship he had with our son. I wanted to see that I walked this with courage, strength, dignity and honor. I wanted to know that I did everything I could to save my marriage as long as it wasnt at the expense of me and I wanted to find my worth.
I am not telling you that divorce is the answer for you at this time. That is a decision only you can make. I have seen marriages come back from some horrific things.
Only you know what your line in the sand is. I am, however, telling you that you need to protect yourself financially and emotionally. You have worked too hard to get to here.
And I dont want you to feel badly about denial. We can accept what we need to when we can. When there is love involved, it makes that harder.
I can feel you gathering your strength, S. Good for you. Do what you must to be able to act from that place. If it takes a few days, then so be it. As I said, you dont owe him anything.
You got this, S.
I feel the way I do about him because of his interactions with you and your daughter. Just some stuff that sticks out to me, ya know?
Oh really? Interactions with us both? I'd love to hear specifics!
Maybell, Claire, uR, Card, Cali, ganb8te, lorelai, Calibri, thank you all for your support and suggestions. Really. It's so good to have you in my circle!
H asked if I got his text after talking to D. I've noticed for a while that he doesn't refer to me as "mom" when he's talking to D. I'm "your mom". Yeah. I notice details like that but whether contacting escorts is illegal? Whew.
Anyway, I calmly and collectively said, "I need some time to sort of gather my thoughts." He paused, looked at me a second or two (FaceTime, Blech) then said, "mm, ok... Uuuh. I'll check back in with you..." I just said, "I'll let you know, ok?" He said ok and we couldn't hang up fast enough after that.
I searched the internet for reviews on local attorneys... Found another one that seems to be strong when necessary. Family practice... I'll call them tomorrow.
18 years, folks. I left home at 16, met stbx when I was 19... That means I've been with him longer than I was living at home with my parents.
Not one single year was easy with him. Not one.
Im nitpicking here...but just "I'll let you know" right? I love that it through him off guard. Ok, I didnt mean to say that out loud. My bad. LOL!
Im sorry its been so hard all those years. I know what that's like.
You are taking back your power...one moment at a time. I like.
I gotta say, uR, it's a little bit comforting that you dislike him even if it's just a little bit. I don't know why... But it is.
Hi Ss06. I don't make it around here much anymore, but I'm always checking on your threat. So sorry to read about the latest developments. I have a feeling you and I would be friends IRL so I am feeling a tiny bit of your pain right now. And I am with uR in that I like that "I'll let you know" caught him off guard.
I'm sorry I don't have much to say, but I am thinking of you and waving my pompoms as I cheer you on.
I'm with Claire. I don't fell like I can offer much having not gone down this path (yet) but I'm thinking of you, Ss, often. You are sounding so strong and collected, it's great! You're great!!
Hey, SS. I dont know him so I cant know whether I like him or not. I dont care about him, though. I care about you.
You know the stuff I see about him...the passive aggressiveness and the thing with the food with your daughter to name a couple of things are why I say he has issues.
Those things, coupled with the way you feel/felt about yourself, dont make me think too highly of the kind of person he seems to be.
But as I said, he doesnt matter to me, you do...and you are doing great.
I woke up feeling scared and angry. Really scared.
I'm afraid of being completely destitute while he drives around in his Tesla.
I was filling out a form yesterday and it asked for an emergency contact for me. I have no one.
This is all quite terrifying.
I need a good job.
I'm at work and can't really give a lengthy response, but you do not need to be terrified. I'm no expert on divorce law but I can tell you won't end up destitute. you been married for over 10 years so you'll also have some additional protections that I don't have in my circumstance.
I know you're working on talking to a lawyer. I promise you you'll feel better when you do
WRT to emergency contacts, I'll tell you my plan -- I have a local friend who I trust deeply but who I don't want to give the primary responsibility for medical decisions. I'm going to list her as my immediate emergency contact so I have someone on the spot if I need help, and I'm going to give her the contact information for my brother & sister-in-law. They live several states away but I trust them to make important decisions for me if I'm incapacitated. (it happens that my friend is an estate attorney who will draw up my will post-divorce, so she'll also have a fiduciary responsibility for me... something to consider if you don't have anyone local that you trust to be an emergency intermediary).
I'm also specifically going to give my brother medical power of attorney since I know my parents have a very different set of values if I'm permanently incapacitated.
Don't eat the elephant. There are solutions for every worry, I'm finding.
SS, you are going to be OK. I know exactly what you're feeling. I wake up like this a lot. In fact, my doctor temporarily prescribed me sleeping pills so I wouldn't constantly wake up in a panic and not be able to go back to sleep. In the book happens all the time the author said she would never have gotten through her divorce without ambien. Might be something to try.
I'm looking for a good job too. I've started putting a ton of feelers out there. I know it's easier to find something if you know someone. In fact, I'm slowly opening up a little to colleagues now about the situation so they understand the urgency of my needing full-time employment in my field. Not sure if you're a Seinfeld/Curb fan, but I laugh a little sometimes because it makes me think of what Larry David would do in this situation. He would totally use it to his advantage to get out of events he didn't want to attend, etc. I'm not saying be manipulative, it's just a thought that makes me laugh during this icky situation.
Hey sweetie, I know this is scary stuff. One day I will tell you what happened with me..and I am ok. You will be, too.
First of all, you have to be proactive. You cant do that from a place of fear.
You have a long term marriage, a young child and have been out of the workforce. There are responsibilities on his part.
I know not being able to think about an emergency contact made you feel alone and Im sorry.
So, have you called lawyers? Have you written down your questions?
Time to start thinking about how you can make some extra money to squirrel away. Are there things of yours that you can sell. Do you have any skills that can bring in some cash?
Right now, you have to get into survival, business mode. I do think seeing a lawyer will put your mind at ease some.
Do you have any family? Im sorry, I dont remember if you did.
You will get through this, S. We will be right here.
Ok, talked to an atty today. Just called to set up an appointment and was put through immediately. Talked about the basics. Have a consult scheduled for Friday at noon with him and two others in the office. He has worked with people in the film industry so he knows how residuals and royalties work. He also said that unless stbx is hiding money I won't be destitute.
I am gathering financial docs that represent things now and he wants to see what things looked like in July. No problem. He also suggested I secure my "evidence" so I'm burning a cd of those photos and sending it off to my BFF. I am putting together questions. Lots of questions. He said that luckily stbx seems good with mediation (he'd hoped for that in July when he left) which makes things much easier.
He suggested I not tell stbx that I'm getting professional advice. To go to the meeting with H to gather information and to listen, just as you all suggested. He stated his firm is not interested in starting burning fires but are more solution oriented which ends up making the client happier and it's often less expensive.
What do you all think?
Still more to look at, of course but for a first lawyer call, I feel better.
UR, I have a few things I can sell. I'm not sure where to begin with that but yes.
I got an email from that one job I really want. It's highly irregular but basically it says there were 300 applicants, I am among the applicants still being considered but other applicants have been selected for the first round of interviews. If they feel the need to interview additional people, I may be contacted.
WHA?
So strange but I'll keep hopeful. I am perfect for this job. Not many people know photoshop the way I do... Anyway... Hopeful.
Also, my closest living relative lives in Boston (little bro). I have no relationship with my parents. I have an elderly aunt in Delaware and my older brother lives in Ireland. Yeah. I'm pretty alone.
Listen, I had been living here not quite five months at BD. Fourteen months when he moved out. Nearest relative is 600 miles away. But you know what?
I AM ENOUGH.
YOU ARE TOO.
Your little brother is good moral support. Your BFF cares about you. You have or will make friends who will support you one way or another -- be open to the unlikeliest people.
You sound strong, resolved, organized. You will be amazing.
Hugs, Ss.
Ss you will feel so much better after you get legal advice. When I went through my first divorce I was petrified. I had four young children to support. Once I knew what my rights were I calmed down. I know what it's like when you feel like your whole world has been turned upside down. Take it one day at a time.
S, glad you spoke with someone. Nothing wrong with going to see a few of them. You will learn something from each one.
That sounds good that they want to be solution based. But what if your h changes how he said he wanted to act? Will they be a strong team for you if you were to choose them.
Please do not tell your h you have sought legal advice. I know that might seem dishonest to you, but, it is crucial at this time. You are just fact gathering right now.
You know, I dont have a lot of people in my life either. For several reasons. But you only need one or two, S, and you have that.
You are taking care of you, sweetie. I like it.
Ok, I have two back-to-back appointments tomorrow with attorneys.
Today is paperwork gathering day. Tax returns (this is something he never even shows me, I'm not sure why but tax documents are secretive with him so I'm not even sure how to get a hold of them), retirement statements, bank statements, house info.
I feel like the sound of impending divorce is the sound of industrial strength Velcro ripping apart. Unsticking ourselves from each other while desperately holding onto your side.
I woke up in a sweaty panic. I may need to talk to my doc about anxiety meds. I was up at 4 am and could not turn my brain off from the panic of money and moving and getting a job and, and, and.
I know, I know, I can hear all of you saying to stop eating the elephant and to slow down and not live so far into the future but I'm realizing that security and stability are HUGELY important to me and crucial to lowering my anxiety levels and panic.
Even once I talk to these attys and get a feel for financial calculations I worry that stbx's forgetful brain will forget to write the check (he's notorious for forgetting things like this for WEEKS!!) and I don't want to have to nag him. I'm afraid of him saying things like, "you don't really need that much money and it's so hard on me to pay it out, blah, blah, blah..."
uR, you're right about finding a strong team who will fight for me should stbx decides to fight hard. And frankly, I see him doing just that, spurred on by his parents. I will definitely find out the attorneys "bull-dog" level.
My questions list is short. I need help there if you're able.
Here they are in no particular order:
1. What is your proposed strategy for my case?
2. Timeline?
3. How many people will be on my case and will any one of them be available when I need them?
4. How will you charge me? What is the fee schedule?
5. Other than atty costs, what other costs are there and what are they estimated to be?
6. How well acquainted are you with the judges in the area and if my case goes to mediation, how well acquainted are you with the retired judges in the area?
7. How do you handle cases where the opposing party is angry, feisty and often never wrong?
8. What will the tax effect be in my case.
9. Custody - most fair for parents but least bouncing around of Emma
What else?????
And about this talk with stbx. Can I just skip that?
He wants to sit down and talk with me about heading toward D. If I am to go to just listen, agree to nothing and take away information to think about...
then it's not a NEW conversation. I know where he stands. He, however, does not know where I stand. Do I tell him? I have NO IDEA how to handle myself. If I'm going to just listen the conversation will be 5 minutes long.
STBX: So, hey, still want a divorce. It's best.
Me: I hear what you're saying.
STBX: So, shall I file?
Me: I need sometime to think all this over.
What? What's the point of meeting at all? I think my brain is clouded with severe amounts of adrenaline. Help me work this out here.
A few things
Today is paperwork gathering day. Tax returns (this is something he never even shows me, I'm not sure why but tax documents are secretive with him so I'm not even sure how to get a hold of them), retirement statements, bank statements, house info.
Most likely you won't be able to get them in time for your meeting - but you can get copies of tax returns directly from the IRS. Google this (I would provide the link - but I think it might be against board rules). You night be able to get an electronic copy automatically - but most likely you will have to fill out the form and mail it off. Start this right away. Being secretive about tax returns is troubling. If he used a tax preparer you should be able to get a copy directly from them.
Even once I talk to these attys and get a feel for financial calculations I worry that stbx's forgetful brain will forget to write the check (he's notorious for forgetting things like this for WEEKS!!) and I don't want to have to nag him. I'm afraid of him saying things like, "you don't really need that much money and it's so hard on me to pay it out, blah, blah, blah..."
In California you can set it up so that the local county automatically deducts from his account every month and deposits it into yours. If you are worried about this - you can insist on it (I'm letting STBX give me a check every month)
uR, you're right about finding a strong team who will fight for me should stbx decides to fight hard. And frankly, I see him doing just that, spurred on by his parents. I will definitely find out the attorneys "bull-dog" level.
It
might work out this way - but it might not. Your H might just want to get it done and over with. Prepare for the worst but don't worry too much yet
My questions list is short. I need help there if you're able.
I'll let uR respond - but I would also ask the atty about the job you are working and if it helps or harms you.
And about this talk with stbx. Can I just skip that?
He wants to sit down and talk with me about heading toward D. If I am to go to just listen, agree to nothing and take away information to think about...
then it's not a NEW conversation. I know where he stands. He, however, does not know where I stand. Do I tell him? I have NO IDEA how to handle myself. If I'm going to just listen the conversation will be 5 minutes long.
STBX: So, hey, still want a divorce. It's best.
Me: I hear what you're saying.
STBX: So, shall I file?
Me: I need sometime to think all this over.
What? What's the point of meeting at all? I think my brain is clouded with severe amounts of adrenaline. Help me work this out here.
Ss - fight your fear on this one. You might actually find it reassuring- but it would be very helpful to get an idea of where he is at. He might give you some tidbits about custody or what he's thinking about the house etc. AS long as you just listen - you can't do any harm and you might get something helpful out of it.
And about this talk with stbx. Can I just skip that?
Ask the attorney how to handle this.
I freaked out like this too, last year. Seeing the attorney -- even before I was ready to do anything -- helped ENORMOUSLY. You'll feel better tomorrow night, I guarantee it.
Hey S, you can ask the attorney about sitting down with your h. See what he says. Or you can decide to face that fear with a new mindset. Like:
H: Still want a divorce
S: Ok. I hear that. It isnt what I want(or wanted) but I know we need to move forward.
H: (looks at you incredulously)
S: So, we need to decide how we are going to approach this. I would like to do it in a way that allows us to be proactive and fair.
H: (still looking at you with surprise)
Um, ok then.
S: What were you thinking in terms of how you want to approach it on your end?
Well, you get the picture. LOL!
Anyway, see what the lawyer says about it. If you do meet him, dont give away anything you dont have to.
Questions about your job are good.
Also, what about retirement funds?
Medical?
Cars
alimony - how long?
child support?
debt?
splitting of assests?
decisions about childcare/child's education/visitation/custody
college fund for daughter
how will incedentals/extras for daughter be split?
(Cant remember if you are in your own home) Need to ask about that if you are...do you have to sell?
life insurance
You can have the support garnished which I think would be a good choice for you.
I will think about it some more and come back to write them if I think of anything else.
You may want to speak with your doc about some meds to get you through if you feel you really need them. I took them when it got to be too much and I am glad I did. It was a hard decision, but I dont regret it. Personal decision, though.
You got this, S.
damn, just typed a whole thing and it went into the ether... hate that.
so I gathered boat loads of docs. I was able to put my hands on a lot of information... just not the tax returns which are probably in stbx's trunk (that's where he "stores" important documents and by "stores" i means throws in on top of shoes, coloring books for D and empty coffee cups). If I contact the accountant for copies, stbx will find out so I'm holding off on that specific document for a second. I think i have enough information with account balances and activities since BD and S.
Breathing.
I am booking a flight to Phoenix in April for my Annual Photography Retreat which is just code for 16 women I've known for years from all over the country getting together for a weekend. It's awesome. Two of the ladies I'm booking flights with know about my sitch and have been pretty supportive. One lives in TN and the other east of San Diego so it's not like we see each other that often. I am so looking forward to that weekend. It really can't come soon enough.
But first... attorneys and chats with stbx. :sigh:
Don't forget you can request the tax returns online.
Attagirl, S. And yea, the tax doc are important ones.
Good for you for booking that trip. Sounds awesome and you deserve it.
You are doing wonderfully, my friend. You are going to be better than ok. I know it.
SS--
I see a networking opportunity at that retreat!
I sent an email to stbx about possible visitation schedule revisions because he stated that he'd like to see D more than just on Wednesdays and every other weekend. He seemed appreciative of my suggestions and seemed amenable. He also discussed being flexible if the other parent needed a whole weekend or whatever... all in all, not bad.
I also stated that I knew he wanted to discuss our sitch and asked how he'd like to go about that.
He said, "As far as discussing our situation, I get a strong vibe you don't want to talk to me in person, and I know you're better when you can form your words in your own time. So I don't mind writing you another separate email if you prefer.
Let me know."
I think I'd rather talk in person rather than read a whole unending diatribe.
Thoughts?
If you would rather talk in person then tell him that.
Don't let him tell you that its better for you to "form your words in your own time".
Also E-mails, like texts have a way of someties escalating back and forth. Meet him and let him do the talking.
Once again, the cynic in me assumes that he is trying to avoid having to confront the conversation head on.
Be assertive. If you want to meet in person, tell him.
Hmm.. I guess I see both pros and cons to the email, depending on how comfortable you feel. For me, the in-person (or even phone) conversations were hard because I would start crying and it was very difficult to not ask a bunch of questions like "Why are you doing this? How can you not see that we can work this out?" etc. So if you think you can handle the in-person and that's what you want, I see no issue in asking for that. I mean he did say to let him know what you prefer, right? I don't necessarily see via email as not facing the issue, but rather a way to potentially deal with this in a less stressful way.. depending how you think you'll be affected by the in-person conversation.
I get where you're coming from, Ss, my STBX worked himself into a four page lather of righteousness when he asked for our separation. It was all about him and his bliss and how I couldn't help him find it. Gag.
HOWEVER, by the time we had the conversation you're facing, I had had a lot of time to realize who he really is and how little a place I had in his thinking. I also didn't have fresh visuals of all my evidence in my mind. It was a lot easier for me to be calm than I think it would be for you. Which doesn't mean I think you should choose one way or another.
He's asking, but that doesn't mean you have to do things in his time. You know what you want: to get your ducks in a row and make sure you and D7 are protected. Whether that requires a private conversation, a meeting with lawyers, or him holding forth in an email, that's up to you. AFTER you've taken some good advice.
He's the one proposing the forward motion, so you're the one holding better cards at the moment. Don't intimidate yourself into thinking you've got no power. You've been really smart with this. That is power. It won't hurt at all to let him sweat a little bit. Do what feels appropriate to you.
Race you to the end.
The one advantage of an email is you get it all in writting. Easy to print and bring to a lawyer.
Met with two attorneys back to back this morning...
You're all right. I do feel better. Less anxiety for sure.
The first one, a recommendation from a friend, really impressed me and seemed to GET my case. She explained the process very simply to me, discussed possible snags, figured numbers, looked at EVERYTHING, and really explained everything to me in very good detail without overwhelming me with legal jargon and whatnot. I like her. A lot.
The second one, almost the minute I sat down I felt like he could have been an attorney advertising on TV. He brought in two other attorneys to listen in. He asked me the other attorneys names I'd spoken to, I told him the one I'd just seen and he said "she's smart and VERY good. She knows her stuff and she's sharp... but she's more litigious and I don't think you need that". Well, I'll be the judge of that, thank you. I felt like his philosophy about law was that it is more about juggling the opponents defensiveness than anything else. Interesting though.
I don't know. Just didn't get a great vibe from the second guy. The first woman is twice as expensive though. I'm going to think about it and look around some more, too. I'm not in any real hurry.
I woke up feeling solid and I'm feeling even more secure after my appointments.
I need to think about what direction I really want this to take. I have many options but two seem the most reasonable.
1. mediate which means stbx and I sit across a room from each other and try to work out all the details with the help of an impartial mediator. I'll have guidance and support from my atty behind the scenes but not actually during mediation. I have NO IDEA how much stbx will fight on anything so while it's an option, if things get ugly, we might have to go to an option 3 anyway.
2. stbx and I work out the details, I tell my attorney (and if H wants to get one, he can), she writes it up, we sign and we're done. No mediator necessary, no attorneys necessary except for the official writing up of the final docs for agreement. This is by far the smoothest and least expensive option.
Unwanted 3rd option:
We sit across the table with attorneys on both sides hashing out our disagreements and if we can't figure them out, we head to court. Not fun.
Strangely, one of the things i'm most worried about is that once i pay a retainer fee, that's on record and stbx will know. How do I avoid that? Hmmmm....
Big event tonight at D's school that I'm cohosting. If I sleep well, maybe I'll schedule a meeting stbx for this weekend. I feel like I can handle it now.
You are a rock star, Ss!!! Super solid rock star.
Ss,
If anything I've learned about this process is this: a VERY good attorney can be a good ally in your corner. I wouldn't recommend that you and SBTX go at it alone without your L's advice and counsel.
Your vibes are very valuable in the discernment department. Follow them. I've learned the hard way that when I discount my gut instincts, things backfire on me. So I am and have been working on heeding to my gut/vibes more frequently. Bottom line, I cannot imagine handling the division of assets and the sale of the marital home without my own lawyer. She had my back the entire time and protected me from the emotional impact of the nightmare of "splitting" things up.
When you retain a L, it just means that you've locked down on a L. If and when you're ready, you can tell L that she has the green light from you to inform H that you've retained her services (hint, hint). The clock starts when the L contacts H and begins to count down on the billable hours (emails, letters, phone calls). So you would want to be judicious with contacts. My advice is to get down all questions, concerns, and issues all in one email. This way, the L cannot make multiple charges on multiple emails. Be real smart and strategic about your contacts with your excellent L.
You don't enter negotiations naked without a seasoned professional by your side.
Ss-
STBX and I were able to work thing out between the two of his (and his lawyer wrote it up.
However, our finances are quite simple,there's no spousal support involved, and despite his comments about being an active dad - the most he ever asked for was two nights a week (which he basically gets - its just less in the school year and more in the summer). And frankly, STBX just seems like he is a sprint to put this behind him and frankly, he has a lot of guilt and shame going on.
One giant red flag in your sitch is this business about the tax returns. I can't think of any good reason he would have been evasive about these- unless its something embarrassing like getting charged a penalty for late filing. I would get your hands on these sooner than later.
If you end up meeting with him - you might be able to get a good idea about which way the wind is blowing - and then pick which option you want to pursue.
And remember - none of those options are set in stone - you can start on your own, and if it doesn't work out move to a mediator etc. If you do use a mediator - you can still get advice from your own atty.
And regarding the cot of the first atty you liked - probably totally worth it. In my sitch STBX is paying all the actual costs to divorce. My comment was that it was all his idea and he could pay for it.
Looks like you took some great steps today Ss!
Yeah, the tax return thing... I don't know what to think. I'm not so sure it's completely sinister but it is strange.
He doesn't have any kind of organizational system, never has. Contracts for projects are scattered around in his car, opened and unopened bills in 5 different places, medical docs, just all kinds of paperwork is all over the place. There's no order or plan... He has always lived life by the seat of his pants like this. I'm not exaggerating when I say that he loses his keys in three minutes no matter where he is and they're never near his sunglasses which are also lost inside of three minutes.
To get my hands on these tax returns I'm going to have to talk to him about what path we're taking on this D route. He'll just have to cough them up or get them from the accountant.
Things were strange yesterday. I went by Ds karate class and he was there. We chatted for a bit about her week, etc. Somehow he mentioned that he is now seeing a psychiatrist. I simply asked if he was OK. He said he was. I know he's depressed and incredibly angry but the past few encounters he seems more grounded and real. Maybe he's on something? I didn't inquire further but he told me about the psychiatrist the same way he tells me things of vulnerability: "I shouldn't be telling you this but..."
Also last night at the school event I was working, he brought D7 so she could hang with her friends. He was very engaged with me, asking if I needed help, asked how things were going, etc... At the end he drive me to my car (I had to park in Egypt) and he opened my car door for me. Something he has not done since before BD. It's nothing, I know that but it stuck out so much to me.
Anyway... My anxiety is a but more in control. My bestie called me yesterday to see how my meetings with the attys went. Her mom is visiting her and her mom divorced her dad when my bestie was 12 so she wanted to talk to me and encourage me, etc. it was so nice. My bestie's mom is a true woman of strength and grace with a grounded and reasonable head on her shoulders so it was just wonderful to chat with her, hear her opinion on the atty I'm probably going with, to make suggestions on how to handle moving, etc. it was just really nice.
Onward.
You can request the returns online direct from the irs. You do not have to talk to him.
I can get the transcripts online, I think, but not the whole return.
Get everything you can. Those things have a lot of information and even the forms without supporting documents will tell the experts a lot about what to look for.
Hey S, glad you are feeling a bit less anxious. And yea, get whatever you can.
I wanted to ask you what you meant that he will know when you retain a L?
If I take money out of the account to pay a retainer, he'll know. If I call the accountant for copies of the tax returns, he'll know.
I feel like I need to have that talk with him that I keep putting off (because even though I've taken back control and I feel informed and empowered, I still have visceral anxiety reactions that I just HATE), get a feel for what's up, his mood, his goals and maybe suggest we use this atty that I found as a mediator? I don't know.
Open your own account for the banana pay checks. Talk to the good lawyer about how to work the payment in such a way that it doesn't trigger bad behavior. Advocate for yourself the way you do for your D.
What Maybell said, S.
Listen, if the talk is going to cause you anxiety, dont have it. Your choice. I always believe knowledge is power, though. But I get it, you arent sure you can pull it off.
So, let's work through what the anxiety is about? If you are just information gathering, you can just let him talk. Validate when you can, dont get emotional.
You have power here, S. You are getting your ducks in a row. You are finding your strength. He cant hurt you anymore, sweetie. He isnt in charge of your life. You are.
If it were me, I would get myself looking good and walk in there with att-it-tude. The attitude being...dude, you think you are going to sit there and intimidate me with divorce talk...hell to the no cuz I got me some information. LOL!
If you do go, I am not sure I would say anything about using her. That tips your hand. You can always say that at another time.
I know this feels like a game and its your life. But it has to be played like a game for right now in order to protect you and your daughter.
Yes, the talk is going to cause me anxiety but I can't avoid it forever. I don't want to be a coward. I'm afraid of showing my vulnerability and crying during the talk but I need to stop being ashamed of my emotions. A divorce is something to cry over.
I will just let him talk. Information gather. Validate. Manage my emotions... but if he asks me a question, I might shatter.
I do have power. I know what's up but my heart is still broken so it's hard to find my big girl panties in this pile of rubble.
I had an IC appointment today. Sobbed the whole time. She's helping me to realize that *I* am not the failure in all of this. That *we* were not good together and that *I* am entitled to support, consistency, being valued. That's it's ok for me to want to rely on someone, to want to be able to expect a certain level of care from someone, to be respected.
I told her that I thought a real loving, caring, supportive, consistent, hard-working and hard-loving marriage was the proverbial unicorn. She said they do exist and that I'm worthy of one.
Now to grow to believe that. I'm afraid to believe it because what if I am disappointed. Again.
I really need to find that deep place of peace inside of me again. I'm treading water in stormy seas and I need some peace and calm for a bit. I'm not sure where to find it. It's hard to take solace in a place that suddenly feels very temporary (my home). I'm finding I'm already detaching from it so it doesn't hurt so badly when I move out of it. This would be move #30+ for me. I'm not a fan.
I'm going back to bed.
I am really wanting to connect with so many of you outside of this forum. I know it's against the rules to post personal stuff but I'd love to find a way. Sometimes the 3 am text feels very supportive... just enough so you can go back to sleep. You know?
I spent all weekend in bed. Friday afternoon - this morning.
I got up to let the dogs out and feed them and went riiiiighhhht back to bed. I'm surprised I even made it to work today.
Didn't Little say there was the facebook page? We could all strategically do that? Like, I'm the girl with the skull shirt on who commented on x post? Covert [censored] like that.
(watch me get banned for suggesting this, when I probably need this place the most.)
I've been trying to figure out the FB thing too.
I totally hear you Ss. I wish there was a way. I often feel like there is almost no one else in my life who understands this stuff the way this group does--or pushes my thinking the way this community does.
I find it hard to hang out with single mom's who were WAW. Like, they can't understand why I'm hanging on. One of the only other women I know in a similar situation is my MIL. (Not exactly someone I can call up for advice or to vent to at the moment!)
I was on the FB page over the weekend trying to figure this out, too. Couldn't! Keep me in the loop if you figure it out.
Hey S. I just wrote a long post to you and I freakin lost it. Hate when that happens. LOL.
Ok, so you are right, divorce is very sad and you feel how you feel.
I think though, that you kind of set yourself up with worrying about how you are going to feel or act, that it makes it so, ya know?
These are some ways to stop your emotions from driving your actions.
I meant it when I said to make sure you look good. That always made me feel good. It gives you confidence.
I used to try to figure out different scenarios of what he may say and figure out how I would answer him. It helped to keep the emotions at bay and allows you not to be caught completely off guard.
I remembered that I was fighting for my son and no one, including my h, was going to stop me from doing that.
I like what your therapist said. You are deserving of being treated with kindness and care from your spouse.
I wouldnt worry right now about whether its possible to have the kind of relationship you spoke of right now.
I told you how small I was at bomb date. I had allowed my h to make me feel unworthy and incapable.
I needed new mirrors other than my mother and my h because those werent serving me well.
So, I watched how people responded to me. I smiled more, engaged more. I saw how much my son, sister, niece and nephew loved me. The more I grew, the more mirrors I got.
You are an amazing woman, S...smart, funny, real. When you meet with him..remember this..you are strong..be her, you are capable..be her..you are a wonderful mother....be her. Dont allow him to take any more from you, S.
There will be peace one day, sweetie. You will be ok. Things happen as they should. I truly believe that.
Thank you guys.
Ok, so you are right, divorce is very sad and you feel how you feel.
I think though, that you kind of set yourself up with worrying about how you are going to feel or act, that it makes it so, ya know?
So what you're saying is that I'm in control of my emotions, not the other way around. This is HUGELY important and something I so easily forget. It's hard to remember that I can pick and choose what I'm willing to feel. Feelings don't happen to me, I choose to experience them, right?
So I'm scared. That's a feeling. I can choose not not be scared but I genuinely feel like that would be denying the actual visceral reactions my body is having to all this.
I. Am. Terrified.
And the act of sitting down and talking with the external embodiment of that fear (stbx) seriously feels like I'm facing a huge fire breathing dragon.
I'm so afraid though of things that havent been said, words he hasn't uttered. I'm afraid of what I assume will be said, my worst nightmare of words and I'm afraid of those visceral reactions. So scared of not being able to breathe. Of suffocating with fear even more than I already am. Fear is a hard thing to "fake it 'till ya make it" through, you know?
And you know what? Brace yourself for serious spew and anger:
He has spent 7 months disdainfully expressing his emotions about how horrible I am, what an awful person and wife I was. I KNOW he has spewed to others about it and [censored] talked me to friends, family and acquaintances. That's fine, he has a right to be whatever person he wants to be.
But he got his apologies from me. I said them over and over, through tears and pain. I offered amends he did not accept. I promised change with an honest heart and sincerity. I gave and gave and GAVE to this marriage 10,000 times over and then even more during separation.
And I get NO apologies. NONE. I get no amends. I get no recognition of his role in any of this. And why is it important to me? BECAUSE IT IS. It just is. I feel like it's the adult thing to do and the right thing to do and with all that was so wrong in our marriage, I feel I am deserving enough of at least that. Recognition of all I put in. Recognition of all I've been through. Recognition of all I sacrificed for the sake of his career, our family, his wants and desires. Recognition of all I put forth so we could maybe, possibly, hopefully have the connection and satisfaction of a truly loving marriage.
The grief is unbearable. Why does it freaking hurt so much?!
Just go ahead and say it because I know you're thinking it:
Ss, you're a mess.
I know. And if you could see the tears and snot on my sweater sleeves you'd be disgusted.
uR, these mirrors you talk of... it makes sense. To see myself through the eyes of others, I'm well liked. People think I'm smart and I'm not sure why I find that so surprising, almost shocking. People think I'm kind and funny. And giving. Very giving. I know these things... but are they actually true? How do I know the truth?
On DB's most recent FB post about maintaining a sense of humor, I said, "Important to remember" because it is and so maybe some of you could find me.
So what you're saying is that I'm in control of my emotions, not the other way around. This is HUGELY important and something I so easily forget. It's hard to remember that I can pick and choose what I'm willing to feel. Feelings don't happen to me, I choose to experience them, right?
No, it means -- feel it. Acknowledge it. And then COUNTER it. "I feel fear. WHY do I feel fear?" And then pick that answer apart, see what's rational in it and try to solve for that (or at least acknowledge that it may have to solve for itself in the right moment) and understand what is not rational and can be let go.
I'm so afraid though of things that havent been said, words he hasn't uttered. I'm afraid of what I assume will be said, my worst nightmare of words and I'm afraid of those visceral reactions. So scared of not being able to breathe. Of suffocating with fear even more than I already am. Fear is a hard thing to "fake it 'till ya make it" through, you know?
What are those things? What's the worst he can say? How would you respond to him if he did say those things? Is what he's saying reasonable and accurate? If so, own it, and list the ways in which you've worked to change them. If not, give that back to him (I had a friend who, in her mind, pictured those things as a beach ball and imagined herself *literally* handing the ball to her XH). Don't own his stuff.
And I get NO apologies. NONE. I get no amends. I get no recognition of his role in any of this. And why is it important to me? BECAUSE IT IS. It just is. I feel like it's the adult thing to do and the right thing to do and with all that was so wrong in our marriage, I feel I am deserving enough of at least that. Recognition of all I put in. Recognition of all I've been through. Recognition of all I sacrificed for the sake of his career, our family, his wants and desires. Recognition of all I put forth so we could maybe, possibly, hopefully have the connection and satisfaction of a truly loving marriage.
Did you see what I wrote today? Did you see how I was answered? I get it. I can't answer it better than that, but I want you to hear me and feel validated. I get it.
The grief is unbearable. Why does it freaking hurt so much?!
Because you were all in. Because you didn't get a say. Because you intended better. Because you tried so hard and were treated so shabbily.
No worse than the rest of us, sweetie.
I'm so sorry your having such a hard time Ss. The weekend was bad for me too but I like MWD's fb post of 27th Jan. You should check it out and maybe the Scales will fall from your eyes.
S, Maybell is right. You have to feel you feelings, then figure them out so you can let them go.
But you also dont want to anticipate feelings.
I want to tell you something. I get it. I have felt it. The fear. The anger. The sadness. The disbelief. All of it. Deeply.
I do not want to negate your feelings in any way by telling you about me. I just want you to really and truly know that I understand completely.
First, though, what can he really tell you thats worse than he wants a divorce and you werent a good wife?
I was married almost 25 years at bomb date. I stood for almost 3 years. My h stayed in our bed for almost a year, in our home for another one. All the while he was having an affair with his exgf from years ago.
I knew that he slept with her on our 25th anniversary. I watched as he ran out the door to meet her. Watched him break our son's heart over and over again. He would not leave the home until I threatened to tell our son everything. I had no choice, I was getting ill.
He set out to destroy me financially and he did.
I eventually got the apology, S. It isnt as important as you think it is. Because really, are those words enough to erase all the pain? Are they enough to right the wrongs? I didnt think they were.
To say I was heartbroken is an understatement. To say I was scared, an even bigger one. I was a stay at home mom for years and then held a part time job when my son started school.
I wont go into details now about what he did in the divorce...but it was pretty horrific.
I am not sorry I stood. I am thankful for the journey. I didnt save my marriage, though, he did want back in. But I sure as heck saved me.
The thing about fear is the only way to overcome it, is to confront it. That was a lesson that took me the longest to learn. Still have to work on it at times.
The other thing I learned was that I could wish all day long that he would act in the way that I thought was the right way, but, it would make no difference. I cannot control another person. Thats the truth of it.
He is going to be who he is. He is going to do what he chooses. And you cant control any part of it. None.
And holding onto wishing he would act the way you want..keeps you stuck.
S, I know how hurt you are. I know you are scared and angry and sad. I am so sorry you are. I wish that you didnt have to feel all these things. Truly.
You know your truth, S. Deep inside you do. Follow that. Embrace that. The rest....does not matter. What he says..does not matter. If other people dont see you...not your problem.
I have been where you are. I have felt what you feel...down to my core.
I promise you that you will get to the other side. You just have to walk through some fire to get there.
We will be right beside you, sweetie.
I've had to step back and let all of your words sink in. I don't know what I'd do without you guys, ALL of you.
uR, your wisdom and experience is so precious to me that I can't properly express how much I need it and thoroughly appreciate it. I know what you've been through was horrific, though I don't know the specifics. I also know that given who you are today, it was worth it.
I can't really pinpoint exactly what I'm afraid of with this talk with stbx. I know what he wants and i know how he feels about me. I'm not even hoping to change his mind. I'm just uninterested in what he wants and what he thinks. I just want to file, have attys work out the specifics and be done.
I know it doesnt' work like that... I mean, it could, but it'd be better if it didn't.
D7 has been getting in trouble a lot at school. It's all related to whatever issues we're dealing with with her and the whole reason for her upcoming testing. It's not until March and her teacher, principal and mother (me) are completely at our wits end with her. I really need this testing to NOT just come back saying "yeah, so she has attention issues that we can address". There is SO MUCH more than just attention issues here and there has been since BIRTH. This isn't just bad behavior in reaction to her parents ambiguous marital status... this is the same stuff and she is just not figuring it out despite my INCREDIBLE efforts.
I talked with stbx last night on the phone about what's going on in school with her. I suggested some things and made some requests for more consistency at his place, fewer video games (if any) and a for-reals-no-seriously on-time bedtime for her when she is with him. Strangely, he was receptive and not defensive at all. There is absolutely no predicting how he'll react to anything so it's always a surprise when he's receptive.
With this impending divorce, D7's excessive behavior issues and the unknown of the future I really feel like i have a lot on my plate. Too much, really. I'm exhausted but I'm still standing.
I've chosen to step back from those three "friends" (one of them is the pearl clutcher) who have not been there for me AT ALL through this. I get, on average, 150 texts a day from that group of ladies and NOT ONE is asking how I'm doing or if I need support, a hug, a listening ear... I just can't with them anymore. I deserve better friends in my life. I just do.
Anyway, this is a super scattered post... pretty indicative of where my brain is... or isn't. Ha!
Taking baby steps... working my way up to that chat with stbx.
Surround yourself with people you know you can trust. Stepping away from surface friends is a good idea.
If ur STBX gets abusive in the way he speaks to you. hang up the phone or if it's person walk away. My first h. had anger issues. I learned through an IC how to respond to him and how to draw boundaries. The IC would role play with me to help me learn. It really helped a lot. They can't spew without an audience. When ur STBX is directing his anger at you he is just taking all the crap that is his and he's dumping it on you.
You are a strong woman..,you can do this. Baby steps forward one day at a time
Hey S, thanks for your kind words.
I'm sorry your daughter is struggling. You are such a wonderful mother trying to find answers and doing everything you can for her. I hope the tests give you some real answers.
Is the school putting some behavior plans in place for her. Often they use cookie cutter methods. Be sure to have input there.
Im glad your h was reasonable about your requests regarding your daughter.
Ok, so, about the talk.
While I think it would be good for you to have one, you do not have to, S.
You can just deal with it with the lawyers and leave it at that. If he doesnt like it, too freakin bad. This is what he wants.
I think you have made this talk really big in your head. I know he can intimidate you and make you feel like you're crazy. I lived with one of those for years.
I remember the first time I found my voice. He was starting to spew. I am only 5 feet tall. So, I stood up on my tiptoes and put my hand out and said, "It's not ok to speak to me in that way." And out I walked with a flip of my hair. I was literally shaking. He stood there, mouth hanging open, for what seemed like minutes.
And then I went into my room and did the happy dance. I really did. Boy, did that open up a whole new world for me. Taking back my power and my worth.
He tried to spew one other time after that..and I did the same thing and said, "I told you once to before that it's not ok to speak to me in that manner. Whenever you start to do it, I am walking away." That was it. Never happened again.
Take back your power, S. He is just a person. He cant hurt you. Believe that.
Ss, re your D, Ross Greene (Google his website) might help. And A Mind at a Time, Levine.
I follow the philosophy of "if they could, they would"
Kids don't want to get in trouble, but they have some lagging skills that are preventing them from behaving better.
uR, Claire, thank you for your input on D7.
She got in trouble again today, albeit minor but still. Jeez.
The reality is this kid is just not normal. Even the teacher and the principal have said they've never met a child like her. She taught herself to read before she was 3. She speaks with a 10th grade vocabulary. She understands things that typical children her age don't even think to ask about. She genuinely cannot control certain parts of her behavior. It's not an excuse. She simply cannot. I don't know how to help her learn how to. I have done EVERYTHING and before the separation, I did it ALONE.
I texted stbx about meeting to talk about consequences with her today after school. I just got back from that meeting which was worthless.
She just shuts down (because she's SEVEN) and I get nowhere with her. She doesn't know why she's doing these things and can't explain her behavior at all.
So what does stbx say while she's completely checked out? He talks about how the only option "we" have left is boarding school. WHAT?! When did THAT become an option and I don't parent with threats. WTF?! Then he proceeds to say "you're going to be ok" to her which is PRECISELY what he said to her when we announced our separation. I almost decked him. I swear, he almost got to eat my fist right there at starbucks.
In the end, I left. I was flooding with anger over stbx's boarding school threat and his "you're going to be ok" which means absolutely NOTHING.
I just got home and he now calls me and wants to know "what that was about". I explained that she had checked out and wasn't listening, that I'm tired of every good moment I have to spend with her it's spent discussing her behavior and enforcing consequences. I told him that we didn't even get to the goal of the conversation which was to discuss consequences because of his arbitrary threat of boarding school which will now be a fear she will carry around. Great. Thanks for that.
His response? "oh it's me you're mad at".
I am proud of myself for not telling him I was just going to file out of anger right then and there. It would have been petty and childish but man, I wanted to.
This kid though... I just can't get close to her. I can't break into her head and figure out what is going on. It seems no one can so I really am pinning my hopes that testing really helps us out because I am at the very end of my rope with all of this with D7.
And stbx is not known for his consistency. He's punitive and arbitrary, nagging and belittling. AND HE SNAPS HIS FINGERS AT HER LIKE A DOG WHEN SHE'S NOT PAYING ATTENTION. I have to look away when he does stuff like that because I'm afraid I might actually shoot lasers out of my eyeballs into his skull.
yoga and then I'm meeting with a friend... I need to get rid of this anger at stbx about his parenting.
Off to find my (calm) voice and google Ross Greene.
Can't remember if it's been discussed before... aspergers?
Sounds like a evaluation will help, but don't settle for something like adhd. Push for more specifics (spring for a more nuanced eval if needed). You've named it, she's named it. She cannot control her behaviors, and she does not know why she acts the way she does.
if she could behave appropriately, she would.
Consequences will not teach her the skills she lacks.
Make this your mantra, if only to help you feel more patient and compassionate: if she could, she would. As hard as it is on you when she is out of control...consider how much harder it must be for her. Right?
I think you are a great mom, and I can tell this is painful--particularly feeling like you are in it alone. Your daughter is lucky to have such a reflective, proactive, capable mom.
Hang in there.
This kid though... I just can't get close to her. I can't break into her head and figure out what is going on. It seems no one can so I really am pinning my hopes that testing really helps us out because I am at the very end of my rope with all of this with D7.
FWIW... I have struggled with that with my D11 too. And STBX also threatened her with boarding school -- but she doesn't take him seriously. But I have found that sometimes just sitting quietly with her, rubbing her back and letting her know I'm there without saying anything, really, really calms her. Mothers and daughters have notoriously challenging relationships inherently. So anything that dials back those difficulties is a good thing.
With S9 too, I've been watching myself through his eyes. And I find that the more he expects to be scolded or to feel that he's disappointing me, the tenser and less able he becomes. When I'm gentler and more empowering (like yesterday) he calms down a lot and becomes a lot more capable.
STBX evaluates how well they do anything by how well their peers do anything. So if, while he was still at home, I said "D11 did a great job on her piano piece today," he would immediately pump her with questions like, how well did your classmates do? Is your piece harder than their piece? How much faster did you learn it than them? That sort of thing. If I asked him just to ask her to demonstrate, her praise her for what she did, or, God forbid, just flat out be interested that she COULD play a piece that was enjoyable to listen to, he accused me of not letting him parenting his way.
(As far as the marriage part of that goes, it would have been more effective if we had come to that sort of strategy together; that would have shown partnership and mutual support. Too bad that didn't work out -- but I don't take ALL the blame for that. Just some of it.)
Anyway, I'm not trying to suggest that calming down and backing off are silver bullets in your situation, but the natural tension that any child feels under those circumstances is going to heighten your D's difficulties, so take it for what it's worth. It's hard to parent such a sharp cookie.
So you should know and hear: You are a great mom. You are doing the best you can under very difficult circumstances. And you are doing very well -- even your D says so. Believe it. She's your harshest critic (except yourself).
Ss, I hope the testing reveals some useful information for you. Your daughter sounds quite gifted and gifted kids are often quirky. But it may very well go beyond that and I hope you get some answers.
My D16 was a gifted quirky kid. She read early, had an incredible vocabulary at an early age, used words and concepts the other kids didn't understand. She didnt really fit in with them in elementary school. She had friends, yes, but I can't say she was ever one of them. She could not sit and behave herself for long periods of time. The teachers who understood her best realized she was bored stiff and provided something else for her. The good news is that she grew into herself. When she turned 13 I found it a relief that she finally turned the age she had been displaying for years. Now she's almost 17 and still quite mature but has no behavioral issues, other than being a hard headed 17 year old girl
The boarding school comment would have infuriated me.
Hugs to you and your D tonight.
Ss- I have to say- you have a knack for writing posts that tend to stick with me and that I brood about for a while.
I'm sorry about the challenges your daughter is facing. Being gifted at that age is its own special kind of burden. I doubt I was anywhere near as gifted as your daughter, but I also read at 3 and was reading college level books in 2nd grade. I went to a parochial school so there weren't any special programs for me and I was literally bored to tears a lot of the time. My peers were pretty ok, all things considered, but I was taunted a lot about being a "walking encyclopedia" and honestly, while I had friends, it was pretty lonely and alienating at times. I was just a little too "different" and couldn't ever quite understand why the other 8 years olds weren't reading "A Tale of Two Cities". Books were such an essential part of my existence and there was no one to share them with. I acted out by absolutely refusing to do any homework and just acing all the tests. My parents were at their wits end. Then, much like Rpp's daughter, I got to High School (a public one), got into advanced courses, and discovered that there were other people in the world that were similar to me. A lot of people have problems in high school, but for me it was a blissful time, because I felt comfortable in my own skin for the first time and didn't feel I had to "hide" who I was. I absolutely blossomed. I wish that for your daughter (but hopefully well before her teen years).
Like many others, I am keeping my fingers crossed for the testing.
And now to practical matters. I would suggest keeping a journal of all those negative behaviors your husband displays towards your daughter (snapping fingers, threatening boarding school, making comments about eating). You will probably never use it - but I can think of a few circumstances where it might end up coming in useful. Worst case scenario - custody dispute. But possibly you might end up in co-parent counseling someday and having concrete examples of behaviors your H might not even believe he is doing could be helpful.
Hang in there.
Yeah, the struggle is real with D7. It has been since day 1. Some days are awesome and other days not so much but no days are easy.
I will say though that stbx DID call me to apologize for threatening boarding school and saying "you'll be ok". He explained that he was grasping at straws and didn't know what to say (a common phenomenon when dealing with D7). He also explained his intent behind "you'll be ok". We talked about it and he actually apologized, heard my concerns about both things, understood where I was coming from, I understood where he was coming from and we RESOLVED it. I think that's the first argument that has come to a resolution since 2000. No joke. I'll take it. I felt good. Really good.
I can tell he's working on stuff in therapy. He seems more grounded and less defensive and accusatory, more understanding and empathetic. When we had that talk a while back about D7's testing and he was suddenly against it all, blah, blah... that's the last time he's been "like that". I'm glad.
Part of me wonders if he's maybe making changes we can work things out but let's be realistic. He's done and given what I know he has been doing behind my back since 2009... we can't stay married. Not to each other.
raliced and rpp, thank you so much for telling me about yourselves and your daughter. I find myself banging my head against a wall hoping for the magical day that D7 will find her place in this world. She's seven so there's plenty of time but I just hope she doesn't get kicked out of school (again) before then.
Testing cannot come soon enough.
Claire, I actually have Ross Green's book The Explosive Child and really liked his philosophy. I sent stbx and D7's school principal links to the videos on his website, too and they both were impressed and hopeful. I read the book again this morning and I'm going to make some serious efforts in Plan B this weekend. The issue right now is more about D7's SEVERE inattention and impulse control problems. I feel like once that's under control we'll have some direction but right now, talking to her for more than 7 seconds means she's lost interest already and I'm not exaggerating.
Consequences and punishments have NEVER worked for D7 and before you know it she's lost everything and her little life is HELL and then she has no self-esteem whatsoever and still misbehaves. I feel like she only gets grumpy-faced adults looking at her, she rarely gets smiles anymore. I'm changing that. Her misbehavior, for the most part, is completely out of her control. She just does not have the skills to control her impulses and maintain her focus. I'm not exactly sure how but I plan to help her learn that.
Otherwise, I'm quite well. D7 and I signed up for a 1 mile fun-run tomorrow to represent the karate studio she belongs to. I'm not a runner by any stretch of the imagination. Swim a mile? No problem. Run it? Um, no. So this'll be interesting for sure.
Calibri, raliced, Claire, uR... find me... I placed a bat signal out for you on the previous page.
SS,
I'm late to your posts as I've been facing my neuroses:-) I just wanted to chime in as I sounded a great deal like Raliced. I read at 3 and was reading on a high school level in 3rd grade. I too was labeled "a walking encyclopedia " (I laughed at that same nickname Raliced:). However, I was extraordinarily shy, very much a loner, developed an ED at 7 and have ALWAYS felt like a bit of an outsider. Actually, I have felt like I just simply don't belong and I still struggle with that at 42. Your d sounds brilliant and the behavioral issues must be challenging. When I read your posts, I always try to imagine how she must feel and different is what I can see. And different is good. I hope the testing yields something you can truly work towards or with.
I realize this is easier said than done, but don't worry about what your h is "working on." Focus on you and D. I know you are in a difficult place and it truly makes me sad to see people struggle on this board. However, you are strong and your D is fortunate to have such a strong, loving, resilient mother. You have been through so much in life and she is watching you dust yourself off and stand tall.
Take care of yourself.
Found the bat signal and responded. :-)
Georgiabelle,
Great reminder about not worrying about stbx and what he's working on. I needed to hear that. Thank you.
I am also grateful that those of you who have been in my daughter's shoes can express to me how it feels because I really need that, too. I'm committed to helping her and i can see behind those big brown eyes that she is doing the VERY best she can with her behavior. I'm not just saying that as her mom. I really believe that. Yes, she's brilliant (as I type this she is composing her first "piece" on the piano) but that's the easy part (even though it's actually quite hard).
Even if she doesn't see that I'm amazing when she's 25 years old, I know she'll remember that I TRIED and I advocated for her and I supported her. Right now, that really matters to me.
I responded to the signal as well - the day you sent it :-)
I responded to the signal as well - the day you sent it :-)
That's YOU! ok! Whew! At first I was curious and then I was confused and then I forgot and then I was confused again and now all is right with the world.
Yeah- I should really use a picture instead of a football logo!
I think I responded to the bat signal too... *like*...
I had THE most amazing day with D7 today. After an absolutely horrid day/night yesterday with her it was a welcome and refreshing change.
It. Was. Amazing.
I really, really needed it. And so did she. It was awesome. I'm going to think about it all week.
After last night's horrific nightmare I was talking to stbx on the phone and he was a great listener. He was supportive and encouraging and it REALLY helped me. It's strange to see the good in him right now given that I've been staring into a dark rainy cloud that is our impending divorce (that I've still not discussed with him because that would mean progress and I'm not there yet... funny how I was so afraid of limbo and now i'm afraid of getting out of limbo...). I appreciate it though and I told him that. He was really there for me when I needed someone last night and no one on this planet understands how hard D7 can be when she's at her absolute worst except him (and only since BD but I'll take it).
Anyway, great day. Hoping to take this into the next week! I could really use a change and starting this week off well with D7 is REALLY helping.
Yay!!!
Good to hear, SS! Rooting for you to have a great week!