First post-help needed-wife affair

Divorcebusting.com

Hi all

I'm new to this and would love some help & advice throughout what I can only describe as the lowest point of my life. I also hope others can learn from the mistakes I have made.

My wife and I were together for 7.5 years (living together for 7) and married for 1 year 6 months. We had what we both thought was an incredibly strong and fireproof relationship and were so happy in each others company.

I'm am 33 and my wife is 32, we were planning (for the past few years) on children, had picked names and always said we would wait until we were 35. This year I went through a tough time personally due to lifes usual pressures and a bad accident which left me with two months off work (I'm fine now). I really withdrew into myself for around 3 months and stopped communicating with my wife and showing her affection/attention and didn't have much interaction with my friends either. At the time I didn't realize what was happening and my wife and I never spoke about this as we genuinely didn't realize there was a problem as each day rolled into the next and we just got on with things. I became very dependent on her and her time but when I was with her i wasn't the same partner she loved so dearly.

Then out of the blue she dropped the bombshell-I need to take some time away,-i'm going to go to my parents, things haven't been the same with us and I am confused. I feel like I have lost myself and need to talk to someone (she never did)-I asked her if she was breaking up with me and she said 'absolutely not'-I just need to take some time to work out what's going on. I did the usual begging, asking for reassurances etc etc etc but the more I did that the more she withdrew and closed off. She told her friends she just needed a couple of weeks away but this turned into a tragic situation.

Over that period I met with her 3-4 times and the girl I was looking at wasn't my wife, her eyes were blank, she was emotionally dead and couldn't talk about things-I have since discovered she wasn't talking to anyone, even her best friends or mom.

One of the times we met she said I feel like I am falling out of love with you and it scares me because I thought we were special and not like everyone else. Then 2 weeks later she withdrew further and said she maybe married me for the wrong reasons (because I was a great guy). Throughout this tike she completely changed and was like a different girl.
I knew at this point there must have been someone else involved and she was saying these things to justify her actions to herself-there was no way she meant these things which she has since admitted.

I also knew at this stage that she hadn't had an affair 'yet' but was very sure was having an emotional affair with a guy from work (who she previously despised) but spent alot of work time with recently.

Well-one month later she slept with him-I was tipped off that they were on a night out together, drove to the place I knew they were and seen them-i spoke with her and it was like speaking with and looking at a different person-she wasn't wearing much make up, dressed very poorly and she told me it was just a night out with friends- my relationship with her parents is incredibly strong and I went to tell them the situation-they couldn't believe it and told me to drive back and take her home. I was too late (Why I didn't do that in the first place I'll never know)

She didn't come home to her parents that night and I knew in my heart at this stage she had spent the night with him-i stayed awake all night and drove in he next morning to the place I knew she had parked her car. When I got there I saw them getting out of a car together and told her to get into my car-right then she told me she slept with him that night and looking at her she was vacant-I didn't judge her, shout or get angry-we drove straight to her parents.

The next few hours were horrible-to begin with she was staring into space blankly and wouldn't talk to anyone-then eventually she broke down as cried uncontrollably for hours-she said she didn't know who she was, didn't want anyone (even her parents) and did not know what she was doing. She was normally a very intelligent, solid and reliable person to all an so loving towards family and friends.

I left her parents and went to a friends-3 hours later she called and said she needed to see me-we met at our home, hugged and she said 'how can I make this right'-after that we lay on the couch and didn't really say too much for around 1 hour-we just needed to be with each other for some strange reason-then she left and went to her parents, I left and went to mine. I told her i wanted our marriage and would do anything for it.

We had some contact for a few days afterwards but she couldn't come home-she then she contacted me 2 weeks later-asked to meet and told me it was over. At this time i know (through her friend) that she still had feelings for the other guy-when she said it was over I asked -do you mean divorce-she said 'I hadn't even thought about that'-it hasn't been mentioned since. This was around the middle of June.

After that we had no contact for 5 weeks, my wife went back to we parents and I stayed at our home. After 5 weeks of soul searching and hell I asked to meet with her, she said of course and we met, talked for around 4 hours and for the first time I felt that I was speaking with the person I loved so dearly. I told her I felt I had played a big part in her actions inadvertently and understood she didn't want to hurt me. During our talk she was warm, affectionate, hugged me lots and i felt like her closed heart was opened to me again-I asked about giving things a go and she said she didn't want to give me any hope as she just didn't want me hanging on. We left things on good terms with a hug and kiss but didn't talk about divorce etc. She told me to come see her parents at any time and was more than welcome in her house.

That night we texted a bit and she said it was great to see me and I would always have a massive impact on her. Since then I have been inconsistent in my actions. When I have cut contact she has texted saying things like 'just saying hey xxx'-normally warm when she initiates contact-and when I have been feeling desperate/needy I have contacted her-anytime I initiate this she closes off.

Many of her clothes/belongings are still in our home, she is living with her parents and by all accounts is miserable (in her words, I am just trying to get through every day)-her mom has confided in me and told me she is still very quiet, not going out much and still not the same daughter she raised.

3 weeks ago she texted to ask if she could come to the house to get some things (this killed me) but came and only took 2-3 things. At this point I told her I would still do whatever it takes to save out marriage and she said 'my head just isn't I'm a place where I think it could work after what I did and all that has happened'-I told her I know things couldn't be the same but if we have learned from things it could make us stronger-she said she just can't see how it could after what she did.

I went on vacation for 10 days came back and had a night planned with her dad (tickets she bought for us last Christmas)-I went to her house to collect him, she was there, we hugged, she kissed me on the cheek, we laughed and she commented on how well I looked. It was again like seeing my wife and best friend again.

I'm really confused as to what to do now, I'm struggling to get through every day but trying to get on with things as best I can. I've been seeing a counsellor, have recently signed up for some coaching for consistency in my actions and have tried to implement a 180 but am finding this tough due to how I feel. I feel like my world has fallen down around me and all my hopes and dreams are shattered-I will never love anyone else and all I have ever wanted was a family.

People have told me that there is still hope but my fear is that my wife will be too afraid to face our friends family and face up to what she did.

I'm currently in a period of growth, reading a lot and trying to mentally prepare myself if she ever does return but I fear she never will and it kills me to think I have lost my best friend, hopes as dreams and my life has no purpose.

Where do i go next?

Welcome to the board

Get out and GAL.

DETACH.

Believe none of what she says and half of what she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

You are on moderation right now on the forum.
SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it.

Your W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.

USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon

Thanks Cadet!

I am very very sure she still loves me. Based on the above story how should I treat contact? If she texts etc?

Originally Posted By: NmW NmW

Based on the above story how should I treat contact?
If she texts etc?

First of all, you didnt BREAK her and you can't FIX her.
Concentrate on the one person that you can CONTROL.
YOU!

I would mirror her contact, but not initiate any with her.
If she wants to be divorced then let her do the heavy lifting.

Stop Pursuing her.
Get on living YOUR life.

Sorry this is happening but nothing is going to seem
like it makes sense from here on out.

Keep learning until it does.

Love is a CHOICE!

Right now it sounds like she doesnt love herself,
so she cant love YOU.

sorry to hear you are going through this. What has been working for me to feel better is reading as much as possible...going through forums and also reflecting on myself and what kind of a person I am. Chasing after her will do no good. I have been on good terms with my H now since I am starting to treat him like a friend. I act happy, well i am happy most of the time . But, your wife will need space, it seems like. Anything you do or say could push her even further so I would be very careful on what I say to her.

Quote:

I told her i wanted our marriage and would do anything for it.

IMHO, it might be better if you will not state this in these exact words again (since you've already told her twice). It would be better to say something like, "I believe if both of us are willing to do the work we can save the M, however, I won't stand in your way if you want a divorce."

As you've mentioned, this isn't the girl you use to know. She is going through something you can't understand b/c you've not experienced it yourself. I have experienced it, and it is still hard to explain. Whereas you would tell a normal woman the things to assure her of your commitment and love, a WAW is not the "normal". My personal belief is that the LBH should do nothing that causes her to think she could do absolutely nothing to change his love or commitment to her. Why? B/c the WAW who has OM in her head needs to be distracted by her not knowing what her H is thinking, what he's feeling, and what he may do. She should be worried she's messed up and lost the best thing in the world (you).......instead of not fretting over it and feelings secure that you will be there no matter what. When you see if from that perspective, it says you deserve better than what she has given you.

I know that is reversed from what a lot of books may say or people may advise. The "psychology" of that sort of thinking may throw you for a loop, IDK. Just give it some thought. Not in any type of mean attitude or anything, but to help you detach.....and to hopefully cause her to wonder where she now stands with you. Why would she be attracted to a man who would settle for everything his W decided to do to him (like be unfaithful)? Wouldn't she be more attracted to one who held high standards of value in his marriage and wife, and to expect respect from her?

Believe it or not, I am not trying to persuade you to leave her. Just to think about what you've told her a little differently.

Quote:

That night we texted a bit and she said it was great to see me and I would always have a massive impact on her. Since then I have been inconsistent in my actions.

You may get a few glimpses of the old W from time to time. Men do seem to let any physical affection really confuse them, and start reading too much into every word the WAW says. What happened above is somewhat common in the early stages. To be blunt, it doesn't mean anything like you hope it does. And just like you hopped on the band wagon to ask if she would consider another go of the M, she told you (in a nice way) she's not interested. Yes, of course you had an impact on her life! I would think anyone she M would have an impact, don't you? Doesn't mean she wants to continue in the marriage, however. So, my warning here is to stop yourself from making some grand meaning into little things she says/does. Hugs, kisses, compliments, etc., are not necessarily signs she's ready to reconcile or even changing her mind. It just means she wants to be nice......maybe even "friends". (

)

Not to sound morbid, but let me ask you something. What would you do in your life if she wasn't here? Would you make changes? Without regard to dating, etc., what would those changes be? How would live as a single guy? What were you like before the two of you started living together? Much changed? This is what I hope you'll think about. Find that guy again.

As for your interactions with her, keep it business-friendly for now. Do not initiate any contact. Do not be "available" all the time. You are busy and getting a life without her.....and you are being happy and know you will be fine. At least, that is how others see you, and you eventually will get there. No pity parties, no all night drunks, no fights, no scenes, no stalking, etc. You are growing and becoming stronger every day. That inner strength, self-confidence, firmness, and take-charge attitude in a man is very attractive to women. Men who avoid conflicts can become very passive, which is not a good thing if you are in the role of a H. You don't have to start conflict.....just don't avoid one at the cost of leading your family.

Don't give up. It may take a long time for her to work through her personal issues. But the sooner you leave her alone and act as if you are moving on with life, the sooner she will decide what it is she wants. She can't have you and the OM, and a lot of WAW'S try to hang on to both worlds. Makes for a long, terrible journey.

Sorry if this sounds negative, I'm trying to cut to the chase and just tell you like it is. Many, many marriages survive affairs! I think your W is going through something she doesn't understand herself. Be patient, loving, and kind......but from a certain distance, so to speak.

Read the 180 rules. Stick to it. Do not contact, there are no kids so this should be easier. It is hard but it is for YOUR sanity. Hit the gym and GAL. Once you genuinely focus on you she will notice and you will benefit no matter the outcome. If your effort isn't genuine she will know and you will only hurt yourself.

I recommend the DB book. At this point you don't have a marriage so focus on you and hopefully you'll both get to the point where you can try. That's where I'm at now Nd it has been hell. Hang in there and find yourself, you can come out of this better no matter the outcome.

Have you read the DB or DR books yet?

Thank you all-it's a very confusing one.

Sandi-your input is very thorough!! read DB & DR arrived today. I have also read some other useful resources. I have 3 sessions with a DB coach and but at the moment I am very conflicted.

My steps so far (natural & instinctive as opposed to anything I read) was to apply a bit of both approaches-I exposed to our families who we are very close to and closest friends. I have also been warm, no anger, judgement and accepted I was equally to blame (this opened her heart to me again and was critical for understanding and have got ok with my own life while lovingly distancing.

I was on vacation for 2 weeks and returned last Tuesday-on the Wednesday I ha a concert with my father in law and when collecting him visited my mother in law and wife/she commented on how well I looked, questioned where I was on holiday and my father in law commented that she was visibly shaken (surprised by this).

Can anyone help me digest this conflicting information?

Thanks jn advance for your time

"Can anyone help me digest this conflicting information?"

What is your question?

Apologies-I had some info omitted because I named other websites!

I have been given conflicting advice-some have said exposure at all costs and the 180 is only for self preservation whereas others have said that exposure can cause more harm than good and damage my W and our relationship. They have said I should cause conflict, confront the OM, give my wife an ultimatum to leave her job to instigate No contact.

Do I expose to everyone at all costs or do I step back, lovingly distance, wait for the fog to pass and hope she comes back.

Checking in, saying hi. Sorry to see you here, but the vets will have some great advice to help you through your situation.

Don't be shy about posting, we're all supportive.

What do you hope to gain by exposing? What would your motive be?

If you're hoping it will change her, it probably won't, not in any fundamental way.

What can you do to protect you and leave her life to her.

Have you read DB or DR yet?

Stick to one thread so everyone can follow your posts and give you the proper help.

Hey-thanks again all for your response.

I have read DB & am working my way through DR. I had been advised that mass exposure would help lift the fog quicker-it doesn't feel right in any way as even if we don't get back together I wouldn't want to hurt her-I had been advised this is a wimps way out and being the bigger guy doesn't work. If that is the case I would have to accept that because its the way I have been brought up-I won't cause her any trouble in work.like I have said previously, we are still on very very good terms. We did expos� to out family & friends which caused no ill feeling at all so going to stick with that.

Her mom called today to say my wife has been very down since she seen me last week. This makes me sad but also impatient. I had considered contacting her today because of this and the fact she is missing me but the info I have gained through reading suggests this isn't the best thing to do.

Patience the best approach at this stage?

P.S. thanks all for your responses-your input is genuinely appreciated more than you know.

Originally Posted By: NmW NmW

Hey-thanks again all for your response.
it doesn't feel right in any way as even if we don't get back together I wouldn't want to hurt her-I had been advised this is a wimps way out and being the bigger guy doesn't work. If that is the case I would have to accept that because its the way I have been brought up-I won't cause her any trouble in work.

You are a definition of a Nice Guy. Of course you love your wife, she isn't doubting that, she's just not in love with you. So, identify why she feels that way by finding out about who you really are. You are too Nice and she doesn't respect you right now. In addition to DB I recommend reading NMMNG so you can understand the mistakes you are making from the way you were raised (as you admitted above).

Take control of your life, the sooner you do that the better. This is a good opportunity to better yourself and that doesn't happen by contacting your W. Stick to 180 and NC. If she wants you she will come and when/if she does you better be a better version of yourself or else she will keep walking away.

Good luck.

"I had been advised that mass exposure would help lift the fog quicker"

That's total BS. Who told you that?

There are other websites/forums out there that support exposing and the other things you mentioned. The Divorce Busting forum does not support it. I believe Michele even has a letter on the board about it.

If you follow those other forums that teach differently from the DBing way, you will certainly become very confused if you try to blend it all together. It is better for you to decide which one you want to join and stick with that one. Not all books agree on the same subject or tell it with same viewpoint. Not all books have the advice that you should follow in your particular stitch. Surely you realize this, don't you? Same is true for the many forums on the Internet. Why would you expect everyone in the world to agree on what one should do? We have no control over advice given on another web site.

From time to time, you may hear some of our members sound as if they are giving conflicting advice, but we are "suppose" to follow what is laid out in the DB material. That is why it is important to read the DB books. For now, it would probably be better for you not gather advice from different web sites. I have read books that are very similar to the DB books, and sometimes I forget which ones used a particular term, etc., but I remembered they matched in principles.

I agree with Sandi and I lived it personally. There are many different methods and you need to figure out which you want to commit to and stick to that. Otherwise you're going to be extremely confused.

Since you're on the DB site now and I'm a firm believer I'll comment a little on your last few posts.

You need to give her some space. Both for her and her needs and for your own. During the next several weeks and months no matter what strategy you employ you will be very conflicted. You'll get tons of mixed signals (from W, from friends, and from family) and you'll read into things when nothing is really there. I say this from experience. I was the nice guy that got cheated on and realized I had lost myself.

Hopefully I can save you some time because I spun for a long time. You don't have to stop being a "nice guy". That doesn't mean you have to have contact with W or anything like that. What you need to do is figure out who you are. Somewhere along the line you likely lost who you were. Best thing for YOU right now is to figure out who you are and more importantly who you want to be. What things right now do you think you could improve on to make you better? I"m not asking what you're W wants out of you, I'm asking who you want to be. What things have you always wanted to try and do but haven't (i.e. sky dive, run a marathon, travel, drive in a demolition derby, etc...)? Why not try a couple while giving your W space?

This is going to be a journey. You're going to learn a lot about yourself. You might just save your marriage, you might not but you aren't in control of that. You're only in control of you.

So...what do you feel like you need to work on? Concentrate on yourself for a little bit and everything else will work it self out like it's supposed to.

Here is what Michelle says about exposure....
Just sayin.......

Quote:

A message from Michele Weiner-Davis

Hi Divorce Busters,

It has come to my attention that some people on this message board are strongly suggesting advice that runs counter to my Divorce Busting philosophy and practice- the notion of exposing a spouse's affair to family members. While this plan may be helpful to one couple, it would completely backfire in other marriages. I have worked with many couples where the betrayed spouse revealed all the information to friends and family with extremely detrimental outcomes. First, when the unfaithful spouse discovered this had happened, he or she decided to file for divorce and it became a final decision. Secondly, there are those situations where the couple began to heal from the infidelity and get their marriage back on track, but the family members undermined the couples' efforts and even "disowned" the betrayed spouse. This made life-long commitments after infidelity a very challenging outcome because few people like giving up their family and friends. So, while I do believe that betrayed spouses need support from loved ones when dealing with such a distressing situation, it is ESSENTIAL that the information about the affair be shared CAREFULLY and with full recognition about the possible risks. I always recommend that, if information is shared, the person with whom it is shared is marriage-friendly, even in the face of infidelity. Nonetheless, it's still important to recognize potential risks.

Additionally, several people have contacted my office feeling that they had been personally attacked for not following this sort of advice. This community was started many years ago and we rarely get such complaints. Confronting others by calling names or pressuring them will not be tolerated. These tactics are not reflective of the Divorce Busting spirit.

Have a great day,

Michele

Originally Posted By: NmW NmW

Thank you all-it's a very confusing one.

Sandi-your input is very thorough!! read DB & DR arrived today. I have also read some other useful resources. I have 3 sessions with a DB coach and but at the moment I am very conflicted.

Sandi-your input is very thorough!! read DB & DR arrived today. I have also read some other useful resources. I have 3 sessions with a DB coach and but at the moment I am very conflicted.

The DB coach will greatly assist you in gaining clarity. But LISTEN to them, take their advice, and do not mix too many approaches here. For instance, Dobson's approach is closer to a tough love one, and it CAN work, but it's NOT a DB approach.

It's not really fair to any of the approaches to mix them up (or be so inconsistent), and you won't be able to accurately assess what IS working and what is Not. Fair enough?

My steps so far (natural & instinctive as opposed to anything I read) was to apply a bit of both approaches

Please don't, for reasons stated above. Unless I'm misunderstanding you.

-I exposed to our families

Just so you know, I completely disagree with exposure and so does DB.

There are many reasons I say this and we can go into detail sometime if you wish. But suffice to say it sure can backfire on YOU b/c you will usually be seen as punitive or vindictive or manipulative (trying to shame her into coming home with her tail between her legs).

I also doubt your wife thinks it helped HER to have them know.
In fact I think she's using her guilt "how can we work out after what I have done?" To keep her from having to try at all. And if the WAW thinks that the LBS is going to make her climb MT Everest before he'll even consider "taking her back", she may well say "no thanks, why bother?"

Plus, don't forget, SHE had at least some reasons FOR the affair, so pretending that it's just 100% wrong on her end, AND that you played no part in it, does not help YOU or your cause. Again, It makes it harder for her to imagine you guys getting past this, ever. Which she is telling you.

So yes, imo, It makes it harder for the WAS to come back.

My DB coach said "Keep the Road Home, Paved & Smooth".

Please do not confuse this^^^ piece of advice with being a "doormat", b/c when you fully understand the DB coach's advice, you will see that it is soooo NOT doormat behavior...
And, a "paved smooth road home" does Not mean "have no boundaries".

But it CAN mean, do NOT expose b/c the more people who know, the harder it will be for her to come home. And the more anger you show her about the A, the harder it will be for her to imagine you ever letting go of it.

-

who we are very close to and closest friends.

Rather than ask you why you did this, I'd ask you to ask yourself what your real goal was in doing so. Controlling, manipulating, shaming, guilting, or "just sharing all our initimate secrets"... Seriously, I am leaving it at that.

I have also been warm, no anger, judgement and accepted I was equally to blame (this opened her heart to me again and was critical for understanding and have got ok with my own life while lovingly distancing.

Well, you are vague and speaking in general terms here ^^, but may I assume you used more specifics when talking to your wife? Specificity leads to believability.

I was on vacation for 2 weeks and returned last Tuesday-on the Wednesday I ha a concert with my father in law and when collecting him visited my mother in law and wife/she commented on how well I looked, questioned where I was on holiday and my father in law commented that she was visibly shaken (surprised by this).

Can anyone help me digest this conflicting information?

Thanks jn advance for your time

I don't know what the question is. Sorry. Also, fwiw, and since I can't write more now, I will chime in to agree with Sandi that you do NOT need to tell your wife how much you love her and will wait for her and blah blah again.

Don't beg and plead, etc. If I can't grasp what type of h you were like or what type of marriage you two had, it's hard to advise.

But DO tell us something. You were very vague about the accident and its affect on you and how you treated your wife. What do you think changed?

I need a lot more insight about that to know what the heck you mean. HOW did you treat your w differently then?

Do you recall it much, or were you on a lot of pain meds? I only ask that b/c I had surgery last Thanksgiving and I have no recall of Christmas or New Years Eve b/c I was in pain and then medicated.( I THINK I was pleasant....

)

Til I know more about that, I can't help with the 180s.

But what do you think your wife would say

SHE THINKS YOU NEED TO WORK ON?

And of those^^^ which, if any, would YOU care to work on?

.

Mr Bond, Sandi, Spartan-thanks so much for your responses.

To answer some of the questions. Regarding my accident. The short version is that my wife and I were on vacation. I got attacked and suffered a fractured skill, post concussion syndrome and bleeding/swelling on my brain. I was off work for 2 months, we moved in to my in laws for a while while I recovered and I wasn't allowed to participate in sports etc for over 6 months (this was always my 'free time and escape'-the aftermath of the effects weren't in any way immediate-everyone told me I recovered too quickly and needed to slow down as it would come back to bite me but I was just happy to be aloe and wanted normality back-I think the mental effect came 5-6 months later.

Regarding our relationship-I know many would say this but we had an incredibly close relationship (we don't drink very often and aren't into the bar scene really-I don't remember the last time we got really drunk). People always referred to us as the perfect couple and we spent so much quality time together,were very close to our families and were always very happy in each other company (even if we were doing nothing)-how this dynamic changed was from Feb through to May I became very withdrawn from
Most of my close relationships (friends and wife), became very quiet and only wanted to spend time with my wife (even though when we were together I was quiet and unattentive)-at one point I remember telling her I felt worthless-she asked me why I meant and I said I couldn't explain it, throughout that time she reached out by showing me more love but I just wasn't myself (I only see this looking back)-I've been seeing a therapist and we put this down to a number of areas which caught up on me. My wife cried one of the times we met while she has been away and said she can't understand why this happened because she always thought we were different and special.

Regarding the exposure-it wasn't in any way a strategy to be vindictive or shame her-when I found out (she told me) we drove straight to her parents and told them, my wife was in a very bad way mentally and I called her best friend to come and told her what happened. My wife then (in the week that followed) asked me to tell my friends and she told her 2 other closest friends. My friends & brother has had contact with her since and told her they are here for her-she told me about this and told me how much it means to her. I know she holds no ill feeling towards me for telling her parents, is ashamed she has let them down and knows they (and I) don't judge her for heat she did-I genuinely believe this happened because of our lack of communication/attention throughoutbthose months-going from everything to nothing is almost more difficult than a slow gradual decline-as well as weakness on her part to deal with her feelings when she was taking some time to work things out in her head-i believe this OM pulled her in subconsciously even if he gave her 1% of the attention I wasn't giving her.

The approach I am going to follow is the DB approach but I know I can't initiate contact-when I do she withdraws

Sorry guys-one last question.

Using the above DB approach and having patience, understanding things are a process etc-assuming the affair has ended after that first night when she told me which I feel is the case....if they are still seeing each other everyday in work will this jeopardize my chances of reconciliation?if so what should I do?

Thanks in advance

well you said a few things that can guide you already.

You said when you contact her or reach out, she withdraws. DING DING DING!!

Do not initiate contact anymore b/c there ^^ is your answer.

IT's not helping and the fundamental, simple yet different approach of DBing, is to

Do more of what works and do less or none of what hurts the marriage.

As for what to do LATER ON, that's not really your decision to make at this time, is it? As for what you might be thinking, it depends.

Again, Not your call to make until/unless she says she wants to stay committed to you. IF that time comes, you'll need to figure some things out. For now, ask yourself a few or all of the following questions,

JUST so you will have given it thought, okay?

She works with this OM and so, what does that mean? Is it one huge conglomerate or a small office so they'd have to keep in contact on a daily basis?

Would they have to be alone ever, OR a lot, or could she make arrangements to never be alone with him?

Or would a transfer out be the only possible way for her to handle it?

What, if anything, does she say she feels for him, now?

And for you? And though I assume you had some PTSD (as a veteran myself and the wife of an Army doctor, I know it to be a real problem of dynamic effect, so don't pooh pooh it, which I guess you are not doing now)

are you improving? Can you discuss any of that with your wife, so that she can believe one crucial thing ---

The crucial thing she must believe is that

marriage to you

can be better/different than before.

And you have to believe that too. Can you?

That's all I have for now but do keep posting!

Originally Posted By: NmW NmW

Sorry guys-one last question.

Using the above DB approach and having patience, understanding things are a process etc-assuming the affair has ended after that first night when she told me which I feel is the case....

assume FOR NOW, that this^^^ is all true. Still does not mean she is ready to recommit, and she will need to believe that No one is going to throw this in her face down the road...Assuming all that....let's look at the rest of this AND the questions I just posed to you in the previous post...

if they are still seeing each other everyday in work will this jeopardize my chances of reconciliation?

Well It won't help. As for whether it will definitively hurt your chances, that depends on HOW SHE FEELS about him and you and marriage to you.

Which you do not know. You cannot know that yet so you are asking questions that only time and HER HEART can begin to answer...you control neither.

All you can do is GAL and DETACH from the outcome. Do you understand that?

if so what should I do?

Thanks in advance

What is it that you believe you CAN do to control the outcome of these questions?

NmW,

I noticed a member or two on the other site you have been visiting didn't speak too highly of this site or people giving advice on this site huh? One classy individual actually said this.. I kid you not... "Stop dealing and talking to unhappily married and/or unhappily divorced clueless online marriage counselor want-to-be's"

How classy huh?

Here's the actual quote...

Quote:

other forums will try to trick you into moving on (via things like the 180 plan or GAL) believing that there is nothing you can actually do to speed up the process so you should just sit and wait (LIMBO) and/or simply tricking you into beginning an individual recovery because they believe that's what's best for you (even though you didn't ask for advice that was simply best for you but rather you asked for advice about saving your marriage).

@@@@(site name) is your best shot. Stop dealing and talking to unhappily married and/or unhappily divorced clueless online marriage counselor want-to-be's and start implementing professionally designed and time-tested @@@@ methods for actually saving your marriage. Time is of the essence.

Now that's a class act huh?...

Thanks guys

I'm in this for the long haul. Her heart doesn't have a space for me now but that's not to say it won't in the future. I have left things in a way that when she does remember me it will be with warmth and if she does then decide to return I will be ready. I'm not optimistic but will always hold some hope.

Glad you're in this for the long haul because this process takes a long time. Since it is such a long haul and you can't predict the future or what her decisions/ time table are what are you doing to work on you?

Any activities you're trying, good books, etc... Do you have an idea of changes you want to see in yourself since you have time to concentrate on yourself? What are traits you wish you had or were better at?

My take on most all these things is you need to figure out who you really want to be and become that person for you. If in doing that your W comes back that's great and you'll now have a strong foundation to start over with. If she decides not to because of her own stuff then you'll still have made strides in becoming who you want to be.