Recap of my Situation: Hubs and I have been married almost 4 years. I got the bomb drop in April, and have been separated for 3 months. At first the separation seemed to be going well. The hubs communicated to me the reasons why he was unhappy. Said he was unhappy because of feeling taken for granted, my temper, and the way I treated him in front of others (he recalls 2 occasions where I said very hurtful things in front of his friends and mother). I have apologized several times for these occations as I know I have a problem with overreacting. Hubs also complained about me not being the best wife, not cleaning, cooking, or doing things for him during our marriage. I lost my job in December and that's when things really took a turn for the worse. I was feeling very depressed and wasn't focusing on our marriage. I was too consumed with my own problems and job situation. He was picking up a lot of the slack around the house. So in April he told me he was unhappy, and we separated in May.
A little bit more background: He is from another country and he found out he had this whole other family from his father's side. He has since visited 3 times in the past year and I haven't gone with him. I felt very left out with the whole situation and he felt I wasn't supporting him. I was supporting him, I was just not felling included in the situation. So, he has become very close to his 2 female cousins who he talked to on a daily basis in another language, so I didn't know what was going on. They also introduced him to a few of their friends who he has started to talk to as well. I have no idea what they talk about and have caught him in a lie about talking to them over the phone. Not sure if he is in an EA, but I don't want to be naive. There is no way for me to find out, since I moved out of the house and don't know what is going on.
Since the separation: Things at first were going pretty well, I was the one initiating all the contact and trying to see him. He was very receptive, we are still being intimate. But he always told me he was unsure. He also told me he was thinking about moving to his home country for a while to get to know his family, but then decided against it. I was trying to keep my distance (even though I hadn't read Divorce Busters yet). We talked every few days to once a week and saw eachother at least once a week. Things are always great when we are together and I can tell he is torn. We still are affectionate and I let him talk a lot and just listen.
Since reading Divorce Remedy, I have been keeping my distance, not asking about the future anymore, not talking about the relationship unless he brings it up, etc. At first I thought it was working because he called me and said hem missed me and was wondering why I hadn't called him. I just I saw him last Sunday, over a week ago before I left on a business trip and he asked me if I missed him. He also told me he was going to move into his friend's place in September since he doesn't want to live in our home anymore (the house we lived in is owned by his mother and we pay the mortgage). He's been wanting to move out of her place for a long time. Before I would plead with him and tell him I didn't want him to move, but this time I told him to let me know when to move the rest of my things out of the house in a very calm and nice way! He also initiated relationship talk and asked me if I regretted not dating anyone else but him during college and if I would change anything. He also asked me about our wedding and if I regretted getting married. I told him of course I didn't regret it. And then I asked him how he felt and he said he would never regret the happiest days of his life! UGH
I guess what I am trying to figure out is what to do next. Since last Sunday I haven't called him, but he also hasn't called me. Do I keep my distance and not initiate contact, or since I had success with it in the past, do I initiate? I feel like we are moving in the opposite direction. Or is he trying to test me by saying those things?
FYI: My work ending up hiring me for a promotion and have been traveling quite a bit for training and got a raise and company car.
I appreciate any feedback you have!
Since reading Divorce Remedy, I have been keeping my distance, not asking about the future anymore, not talking about the relationship unless he brings it up, etc. At first I thought it was working because he called me and said hem missed me and was wondering why I hadn't called him.
Not sure what you mean by "at first" you thought it was working, because everything you describe in your post sounds like it IS working. When you pull back and give your spouse time and space, they will start wondering if you're moving on and they will reach out to you to try to keep you on as plan B. That's what he's doing. But he hasn't changed his mind about the M, at least not yet. So stick with your DB'ing.
I guess what I am trying to figure out is what to do next.
Keep DB'ing, this is a marathon, not a sprint. You've got to be patient.
Do I keep my distance and not initiate contact, or since I had success with it in the past, do I initiate?
I wouldn't confuse friendly conversation with "success". It sounds to me like you had more "success" when you quit reaching out to him, that was when he started reaching out to you. But he won't reach out every day or even every week. He'll run hot and cold.
I feel like we are moving in the opposite direction. Or is he trying to test me by saying those things?
It's very common for the WAS to try and string the LBS along. It is "testing" in a way. Don't sit there and be his plan B. Get out and GAL. Leave him to his journey while you take control of yours.
FYI: My work ending up hiring me for a promotion and have been traveling quite a bit for training and got a raise and company car.
Awesome, congrats!
Thank you so much for your response AnotherStander. I really need to detach more i think, but it is definitely hard! I definitely dont want to be the plan B, and be strung along. I think seeing you say it and the part of him being hot and cold really makes sense. I just have to be patient! I think I got scared that he wasn't reaching out in the past 1.5 weeks (I know, not very long).
I also think he was shocked to hear that I was looking for my own place and asked him when to get the rest of my things. It took him by surprise and he was more affectionate and started to ask me if I missed him, etc.
My GAL's have been concentrating on my new job, going out with friends, and exercising. I also want to start taking a dance class since I danced most of my life and stopped about 5 years ago. By the way, I went to my friend's bachelorette party this past weekend, and my husband didn't like it very much! The last time I spoke to him he asked me if I was going and when I told him yes he said 'but I thought you decided not to go' in a very concerned tone! I said I changed my mind because it would be nice to get out for a girls weekend.
We texted last night briefly and he asked me to come over on Sat to take the dogs to the park and maybe lunch or dinner. Any advice before I go?
So I went over to our house on sat and things went well for the most part. We took our dogs to the dog park and talked. He continued to give me compliments and call me nicknames he gave me. We went to dinner afterwards, he was very sweet and a gentleman. We went home and watched a movie, he held my hand and rubbed my arm during the movie. He also offered for me to spend the night since it was late and I had a 45 min drive back to my parents.
He started to get affectionate and I started R talk! I know, my bad. I told him I didn't want to be a part time wife anymore, and that I loved him and want him to be happy. But that this situation isn't healthy for us being in limbo. I also told him that I need to focus on myself and that I need to move on although this isn't what I wanted. He told me he is scared that things will be as they were, and I told him I was scared too. I then said that I didn't want things as they were either and I wanted a fresh start. He then went on again about the past, and I told him we eventually have to start moving forward.
We ended up being intimate, initiated by him. He told me he missed my kisses etc. Then we went to sleep and cuddled the rest of the night. I know I shouldn't have initiated any R talk, but I couldn't help it! Any ways I left in the morning and we kissed and hugged goodbye. Now I'm back to not initiating contact, he called and texted me last night at 11:30, but I was watching a movie at the time and missed it. We texted a little bit today, and he flirted a little.
What to do now? I'm not sure, but I feel like I'm not detaching enough.
That's where I'm at right now, any insight would be appreciated!
Anyone have any feedback? I guess I'm looking to see if I'm doing the right things by being open and affectionate back to him? Also, he is living in our home (i am with my parents) and I usually pay half the rent. Since moving out we agreed I would pay half of what I usually pay. Well, since I am making more money now and his job has been pretty slow (he has his own business). He has been struggling to pay the rent there. That's part of the reason why he wants to move in with his friend. Should I offer to help him pay the rent? I'm a little conflicted on if I should help him or not. My heart tells me I should since I love him and don't want him to struggle. Any thoughts?
I think I majorly backslid yesterday. I hadn't spoke to my H for over a week and a half and he texts me that he is moving out of our home that we shared (I'm living with my parents) and that he will be gone by Friday to his friends. I didn't think he would end up moving even though he told me he was thinking about it for the last couple months. So I called him asking if I had to get my stuff out as well because we only have 2 days and with work it will be impossible. He offered to bring some of my things. He also said since his mom hasn't rented it out to anyone yet I still have time to get my stuff. A lot of our stuff is going into storage that he got, like our wedding presents etc. this is going to be really hard for me to go back to an empty house. I'm not sure I'm prepared for that!
Well after I got off the phone with him I balled my eyes out then got really angry. So I called him a couple hours later and said I think we should get a divorce since he's obviously moving in that direction by moving in with his friend. He said he understands and that maybe I'm right. So after that I'm heartbroken and miserable because that's not what I wanted, I just blurted it out because I'm angry. Anyways I ended up regretting what I said and called him back a couple hours later and apologized and said I didn't mean it, I was just feeling really hurt. He said he was sad and he didn't want to think about that either or make any rash decisions. He went on to tell me he would understand if I did because it has been 4 months and knows he hurt me. We then talked a while and he also said he was afraid to lose me. I asked if he wanted me to make that decision because he couldn't make one and he said sometimes he did wish that, but that he doesn't want to think about that. He also asked me a lot about our relationship and what I would change if I could go back (he's asked me this a few times before). So I told him the things that have made me a better person through this experience etc and validated his feelings.
He also told me its been hard the last few days in the empty house and going through our things, but thinks this is the best decision right now because he's tired of living there.
He asked me if I missed him again, and told me he misses me so much sometimes. Other times he feels like its the best decision. He said he can't make any decisions right now, but he doesn't want to give up. I then asked what we could do to start at least moving forward so we're not stuck in this limbo, and he said he would have to think about it. We ended the convo talking about fantasy football (this is one of my 180's, he always wanted me to be more involved with this).
Now I'm just thinking I shouldn't have said most of the things above and backslid! If anyone has advice out there, I would really appreciate it!
I'm supposed to go over there today to pick up something for work and pick up a few things. Hopefully I will pull it together and handle myself well when I'm there. I'm going to not go into relationship talk at all!
So a lot has happened since my last post...I ended up going over to my house to pick up the stuff I needed, and tried to act as positive as possible packing up my stuff. It was so hard to be there in an almost empty house from where we started our journey together as a married couple.
I stayed strong, he was asking how I was doing and I told him I've just been really busy with work and everything and that I wont have very much time in the next couple of weeks to pick up my stuff. He said that was fine, and continued to talk to me about random stuff. I asked him if he was sure this is what he wanted and he said no he isn't sure. I then started to leave and he walked me to my car and offered to carry out most of my stuff.
You sort of cut off there - how has detaching and going dark been working?
Believe me, I know how hard it is not to call and ask about R, then apologize later, but I'm really busting my own chops, so I'll say the same.
He helped you out, now stop contacting. Go cold turkey dark. I'm 3 days in, and it is empowering. You are not "losing" them, you are setting them free.
After I was all packed up, I asked if he was hungry and would like to get something to eat. He said sure so we headed out to dinner. I told him I wanted to treat him since he completed his teaching credential and I was proud of him (his LL is acts of service). He picked the restaurant and it was one that we have gone to for several special occasions (birthdays, anniversaries, etc). He brought up the R and talked about what changes I would make if I could go back in the marriage. I let him know what I would change, but also told him we can't change the past but can move forward and change the future. He was open and sweet with me during dinner and was talking quite a bit about the R.
After dinner we drove up to a cliff over looking the beach and we talked some more. A romantic song came on and he said he loved that song, I said so do I. He then started to rub my arm again and kissed me.
I told him we shouldn't go any further because we don't want to get confused and move to fast. He said you're right and we drove home.
He then said he wanted to give me a massage for taking him out to dinner and I let him. He was kissing me again and tried to take it further. Again, I said I didn't want to get confused and decided to head home. He walked me to my car and told me he loved me very much. I left and then came back! I know I shouldn't have, but he didn't want me to leave and neither did I so I turned around. I came back in the house and he was so excited that I decided to stay. We ended up being intimate (even though I knew I shouldn't have per my DB coach). I then went on about the R and if he wanted to start over etc (again, I know I shouldn't have but said it anyways!). We ended up cuddling the rest of the night and I went home in the morning.
That was on Wednesday last week, and on Friday I called him to ask him how the move was going since he wanted to be out of there by then. We had a pretty decent chat, said he has his doubts and I said it's understandable that he does. He then went on to say how much Wednesday night meant to him that I came back and took him out to dinner. We then ended the call.
Later that night he called me crying hysterically. I've never heard him cry like that in our whole relationship. He told me he didn't think the empy house would get to him that much and I told him I was sad too. He told me how much he missed me and loved me and was scared. I told him I was scared too. He went on about the R again, and said he wished I would have been mean from the beginning of the separation so that it would be easier for him. He also said that he knows he hurt me and was sorry. I just listened and validated and told him I was there for him. He told me he is scared of being alone and didn't expect to miss me this much. He also said that he loves me so much and is afraid that he'll never find someone that he loves as much. I then told him maybe we can try again? I know I shouldn't have but I thought it was a good moment to. Looking back though I know I shouldn't have and that it should be his idea. He said MAYBE, I think you might be right, and then said he has to think about it. We ended the call, and he said have fun tomorrow night ( I was going to spend the weekend with my friend for her birthday).
The next day I texted him saying I hoped he felt better and he said yes, thank you for listening last night.
To be honest I thought this was the breakthrough I was looking for but realize that I shouldn't have gotten my hopes up or to rush things along.
I should learn to be patient and go slow, I feel like I backslid so much by asking him to start over. I haven't heard from him since Sat so that confirms that I scared him off again.
I need to learn to back off and let him decide what he wants. LESSON LEARNED!
Thanks JonF, I finished the rest of the post, thought I was still on moderation! LOL
Thanks for your input. I need to learn to be more detached and not push him so much. I've learned everytime I do he steps back and gets cold feet.
You are right that I need to let him come to me, it's just hard when I see positive changes and then I push and we go back to that distant dance.
I have learned my lesson this time and wont bring up the R again! I will not push him to reconcile or to start over etc.
Thanks for your thoughts, I really appreciate all the input!
He called me today and I let it go to VM. He said that they are starting to wrok on the house so I need to get my stuff soon. I haven't been able to because of work and being out of town the past weekend. It's going to be hard to go back to an empty house to get my things. I am going to try and head out there after work tomorrow. I texted him back saying that I could possibly come out tomorrow or thurs and that I needed my big car (that he's been driving) to pack my stuff up. He said of course, and called me a nickname he always calls me.
Wish me luck for tomorrow! I'm going to be strong and not talk about R at all! I am going to be cool, calm, and collected!
I think you did great. We all backslide when learning new habits so don't be so hard on yourself. It sounds like he was actually trying hard to listen to what you had to say. And on the same note it probably did scare him too. Everyone is afraid of the risk and pain.
I feel you are so lucky to have gotten to this spot - Pud is jealous!
I would let him absorb it and come to his own conclusions, that way you have set it out there and it's in his court now. Take it slow and don't try to find out what he thinks, let him come to you. I'm so proud of you!
Thanks so much Pud! I have to keep reminding myself that all of us make mistakes and we just need to learn from them and not do them again while DBing.
I do need to appreciate the positives that I've seen, and keep moving forward with improving myself and not to backslide again. But if I do, not to dwell on it so much like I can't come back from it.
I have noticed that he has kept his distance since Sat and that is a lesson that I need to remind myself not to mention R again.
I'm going to keep moving forward and not let this set me back! i am going to let him come to me next time!
So H called me this morning about organizing my things in one room for me to pick up. He thanked me again for listening to him last week when he was feeling really depressed. He said this whole move just really got to him and taken a lot out of him. He said he will always love me and still loves me no matter what even though he is not happy in the marriage right now.
I told him I understand why he has his doubts and that I got ahead of myself last week. I told him I want him to be happy and that I know he still has to process what he needs.
He said he would help me move out the rest of my stuff and not to stress about it because he realizes how busy I am. So I am supposed to go over there later today to pack up a load of stuff in my car.
Wish me luck! that's where I'm at right now, hopefully I handled myself much better on the phone today. I'm going to keep my PMA while I'm there today!
I think you are still doing quite well. And he is saying nice things to you without you prompting or asking - WOW.
How nice for you. Keep on doin' whacha doin' Hope!
Thanks Pud, everyone is telling me I need to move on and stop letting my H make all the decisions. Just knowing i have everyone's support on here means so much to me. I know I need to be less available to him though.
I really appreciate the motivation to keep going, it gets so hard sometimes. Like today, I went over there to pick up my stuff. The house was completely empty besides my stuff. H was not there and told me he couldn't make it. My heart sank, I said you can't help me move my stuff? Then he said he would come over if I needed him, so I said yes please. I needed his help lifting the really heavy stuff.
I should have prepared myself for the backlash on Friday. H was very distant to me and not as affectionate as he has been. He even was talking about moving to his own place because of our dogs and he doesn't like living with his new roommate. He then went on to ask me if I would ever move back there with him after it was fixed up. I don't get it! I told him I don't know, maybe depending on the circumstances.
I ended up picking up some sandwiches for dinner, we ate and then I left. Completely different from the last time I saw him! I should have expected if, right? They run hot and cold? One minute they want to work things out, the next they are cold and distant. Is this normal considering where I'm at in my separation? I ended up crying the whole way home to my parents house.
I'm thinking I need to give him his space for now for a while and not contact him.
Any feedback is appreciated!
Also, is it common for WAS's to not want to bring anything that reminds them of you with them to their new place? The H bought a whole new room basically for his new place. He put all of our stuff in storage, like he's trying to get away from it.
Just curious on other people's take on this?
Also, is it common for WAS's to not want to bring anything that reminds them of you with them to their new place? The H bought a whole new room basically for his new place. He put all of our stuff in storage, like he's trying to get away from it.
Just curious on other people's take on this?
Hope, yes, in my opinion because they don't want the reminders of the "pain" THEY left behind. The are looking for what they call "their fresh start" and anything of you (photos, furniture, etc.) poses a threat to them being able to move forward in the fog.
That is just my 2 cents.
They do run hot and cold and make sense one minute and then do the complete opposite the next. They are struggling internally with what to do and how to make sense of it all.
You really can't base how you will proceed off of their emotions and reactions at this point. Don't measure your success with what he is saying or doing, just keep doing the right thing. Remember what your ultimate end goal is and align your actions with that goal.
Hang in there, we are here to support you.
Thanks for the feedback MyNewStrength and Pud! I keep telling myself not to let his words or actions get to me, but it's hard not to. I'm living with my parents right now and they basically know everything that is going on. They keep telling me to move on and get a lawyer because my H's actions are telling me he is moving on with his life. I know they are right in some aspect, that his actions are telling me that he is moving on and not moving back towards the marriage. Am I delusional to think there is still hope? I guess I am trying to gauge where my H is at. I know that he still loves me, he has told me so, but he also has proven with his actions that he is trying to move on.
I'm trying so hard to hold it together and live my life. I know I need to GAL more and not let his actions affect me as much. I feel like the separation is getting worse. We used to see eachother a lot more and he was so affectionate and loving, and told me he wasn't sure what he wanted but was leaning towards working on us. Now he seems to be moving in the opposite direction, and we are seeing eachother less and less.
Do I just keep my distance and go dark for a while? Leave him to figure things out while I move on with my life? Why is this so hard, I wish I could just shake my H out of this, part of me feels like he is depressed and going through a MLC of sorts.
I guess I don't understand how he could go from crying his eyes out, confessing how much he loves and misses me. Telling me that he doesn't think he would find anyone like me. To moving into his own place, not wanting anything from our life together in his new place? I really don't understand.
He was so distant to me yesterday, where before he was still very affectionate and sweet. I guess he was still nice to me, but I could tell he was trying to keep his distance. Part of me feels that he is feeling guilty and only helping me move and saying "I'll always love you" out of guilt. He wants an easy transition out so he is still being nice to me.
Don't try to mind-read too much. Someone told me during my first trip through here "Don't try to rationalize the irrational".
That's exactly what LBS do, and it's why they're on roller-coasters; trying to interpret irrational behavior. I've stepped back for a mere 5 days, and my mind has become increasingly clear and more in control.
Also, my W told me less than 2 weeks ago that she loved me a lot, wanted to be married to me, had been fighting God. A few days ago, she hugged me, laughed/joked with me, talked about moving in together. Yesterday, she was like "I don't want to talk, I just want divorce, so see you in court".
I know it hurts, but its VERY common, so at least know you're not alone....
I can relate alot to your sitch... I was living with my parents during my H's BD.... they kept saying move on b/c he has...let him go... I keep telling them it's not that easy and that they can't relate as obviously they are still together. My mom thinks she can understand b/c of her High school relationships. I couldn't take living there with them any more, so I moved out a month ago.
Your H not taking any furniture, my H did the same. He moved and told me to keep everything as if he is doing me a favor; no it's not a favor, that leaves ME with all the memories and you free to walk away, w/ no literal baggage. All of our stuff is in storage, I decided to leave it there and "start fresh" my self.
Even though my H is only 30 I think he's MLC as well and was very depressed IMO last time I saw him in July.
I also get confused on if I should still have hope or not.
I do have hope, but I've decided not to tell any one, especially not H. I am GALing as much as possible, I've moved to a new city and to H it probably looks like I am moving on as he is. I have no idea if that is good or bad, but all I can do is continue to live my life and hope for the best.
Only you know if you should keep hope or not, do what's best for you. But while you're hoping, what are your 180's to make your self better as a person? Which of those 180s also relate to issues your H brought up concerning your marriage?
You sitch is still in it's early stages. Give him time and space.... but be smart about the space, it's a delicate balance and everyone's relationship is unique. So apply the DB rules as necessary, not all may fit your sitch so choose wisely. Do you know your H's love languages? GAL and prepare your self for being the best your regardless of how things end up.
Part of me feels that he is feeling guilty and only helping me move and saying "I'll always love you" out of guilt. He wants an easy transition out so he is still being nice to me.
I get this feeling too with my H.
He has been VERY nice to me since coming home to BD in July.
He says we'll "always be family", "call me if you need anything"
I too think it's guilt, he thinks if he leaves "nicely", gives the "it's not you it's me" speech, I will be okay and will move on with not problems and his mind will be at ease.
*sigh*
Sometimes I think doing DB allows the WAS to get away too easy, smh.
But I also know, I'd rather him see me strong and gain respect for me through my behavior, instead of my "acting crazy" because he abandoned me.
Hi Mimi, thanks fo replying to my thread. I see a lot of similarities between our sitch's as well. Considering our ages, we have no kids, and been with our husbands for a long time, and married for 4 years. It looks like the 3-4 year mark is common for people to get separated/divorced because of this stage in marriage where reality hits and one spouse wants out. I think the no kids thing doesn't help us either because they are not connected to us in that way.
I appreciate your feedback, are you going through the hot/cold phase as well? Where one minute they are wanting to work on things and the next they are bailing again?
I wonder if the best way to handle when they come close is not to get too excited, I think I scared my H off by asking if he wanted to try again to soon?
Thanks JonF for replying! I keep trying to mind read and you're right I only driving myself crazy! When you step back do you notice her coming closer? What do you say when she says she wants to move in together? I wonder if we are too enthusiastic when they tell us they want to work on things. Maybe we need to keep our cool more and not scare them off again? Just a thought.
I wonder what makes them finally come to a decision about the marriage? If they are constantly going back and forth, what can we do?
Sometimes I am so confused as to what to do. I feel like I need to be open and welcoming when he is being affectionate. But then I feel like I don't want to be a doormat either and he can come and go as he pleases. What's the right balance?
I have a question, when MWD says act as if, does that mean as if your marriage is over, or that you will eventually work things out (with the PMA)? I guess I'm a little confused on this part.
So I haven't posted in a while because I've been so busy! I had a wedding over the weekend and then I had a business trip to Chicago. I think I had a revelation when I was at the wedding having fun and letting go. It was out of town so my sister and I stayed the whole weekend. When I saw the groom cry when he saw my friend walk down the isle I thought to myself I couldn't remember the last time I felt that way with my husband. My friend's husband worships her and would do anything for her, I can't remember if I ever felt cherished by my husband. My H has been selfish in our marriage, most of the time thinking of himself and his needs. I want to feel cherished and treasured in my R, is that too much to ask for? Even my DB coach thinks my H is immature and selfish. I don't know if I can wait for him to grow up. I want a love that my friend has. Am I wrong to feel this way? Maybe I am just getting stronger and realizing certain things now that I want in a relationship. My H is the only person I've ever been with since I was 18, so I really don't know anything else. Am I wrong to want more out of my R? Am I turning a corner in this process?
I am still in a great deal of pain and don't think I am ready to move on, because I don't feel like I've completely let go yet. But with each day I am getting stronger. There was also a guy at the wedding that I danced with and flirted with me which gave me some confidence to feel stronger. But I am NOT ready to date yet. I have a great deal more healing to do before that happens! But I did like him and was attracted to him. I am feeling very confused, wanting to move on with my life and wanting my H to come back. But I also realize I wouldn't take him back as he is now. I would need to see a great deal of change from him as well. I know I am growing and changing from this experience, but I'm not sure if he is.
This is where I'm at right now. I'm currently looking for a place to live because I want to get out of my parents house and feel it would be good for me to be on my own for a while.
Also, I forgot to mention I talked to my H last night because I texted him that we needed to separate our cellphone and insurance bills that I pay for. I need to save money to move out of my parent's house. So he called me and I basically told him everything that I wanted him to change and bothered me in the marriage over the years. Me not feeling like I was put first, him placing all his focus on his family, not spending time with me, etc. I'm not sure if this was the right thing to do, but I was tired of him putting most of the blame on me for the failure of the marriage. He apologized for many of the things, but also said he felt like a scape goat by me. He ended the call by saying he was really sad, that he missed me, and he loved me. I feel like he is manipulating me in some ways by saying those things, because now I somewhat feel guilty for letting him have it. Even though I said it in a confident, nice way.
I appreciate your feedback, are you going through the hot/cold phase as well? Where one minute they are wanting to work on things and the next they are bailing again?
No my H had been cold since BD.....he doesn't want to give me any "hope"....so he's distant unless he needs something. Calls for "business" matters...thats it...I haven't heard him say the word love in months.
Even my DB coach thinks my H is immature and selfish. I don't know if I can wait for him to grow up. I want a love that my friend has. Am I wrong to feel this way? Maybe I am just getting stronger and realizing certain things now that I want in a relationship. My H is the only person I've ever been with since I was 18, so I really don't know anything else. Am I wrong to want more out of my R?
I am feeling very confused, wanting to move on with my life and wanting my H to come back. But I also realize I wouldn't take him back as he is now. I would need to see a great deal of change from him as well. I know I am growing and changing from this experience, but I'm not sure if he is.
No you are not wrong for seeing the way your husband has lacked I the relationship. But I would say write those thoughts down and do not dwell on then, it will only make you angry and make you want to call and share these negative with him. Focus on what you can do on you end only, you can only control you.
I get confused on if I should continue to have hope or if I shoild just move on. Sometimes I remember how low my H would make me feel and think I can do better if I did move one. I have givem my self until the end of the year to keep hope alive. Having no kids....and wanting them...I feel I can't wait around too long for H to "wake up". Even though I remember the negatives about my H, I know that he was just as hurt, scared, ignorant about marriage as I was so that makes his mistakes easier to forgive.
I too have grown in the last few months since BD....and feel my H hasn't at all....but truth is maybe he has...I don't know as we don't talk about anything except work and financials.
Also, I forgot to mention I talked to my H last night because I texted him that we needed to separate our cellphone and insurance bills that I pay for. I need to save money to move out of my parent's house. So he called me and I basically told him everything that I wanted him to change and bothered me in the marriage over the years. Me not feeling like I was put first, him placing all his focus on his family, not spending time with me, etc. I'm not sure if this was the right thing to do, but I was tired of him putting most of the blame on me for the failure of the marriage. He apologized for many of the things, but also said he felt like a scape goat by me. He ended the call by saying he was really sad, that he missed me, and he loved me. I feel like he is manipulating me in some ways by saying those things, because now I somewhat feel guilty for letting him have it. Even though I said it in a confident, nice way.
No more relationship talk unless he brings it up. Try to be positive in your conversations with him. Do you know his love language? If so "speak" it when you do interact with him.
"Acting as if" can be a confusing term...really its acting in a certain "positive" way to recieve a positive reaction from you spouse. MwD gave and example of her going out of town and having a wonderful time, when she talked to her H about picking her up from the airport he sounded stressed as he'd been left behind with the kids etc... so she was going to be not act happy and be more quiet in the car on the ride home when he picked her up because she didn't want to throw her great vacation in his face and make him feel worst for being at home...then she realized if she got in to the car and didn't seem happy he could take that as if she wasn't happy to be home and wasn't happy to see him so that would create a negative reaction. Instead she decided to act happy and tell him all about the vacation and the response she got from him in return was positive.
So acting as if is having a positive mental attitude at all times in front of your spouse. Doing so will show your spouse you are strong and that positivity will hopefully be attractive to them and also show them you arent the one bringing about the "negative" and hopefully cause them to do self introspection to see the real issues instead of only blaming you.
Sorry if I have a lot of typos....in typing from my phone
Hi H4,
Have you read anything on pursuit and distancing? I know Cadet usually posts things for newcomers to read. It may be a great deal of help with handling some things.
As for telling him what you disliked ,you may consider tabling it from now on. Don't dwell on what ifs, you said it ,now let it go.
Try not to contact him for a bit, allow him his feelings that he shared with you, just don't act on what he said.
Give him some space, and try and get ahold of your reactions to what he may be saying or doing. Take them in, but don't react to them. You may want to say to yourself, I'll react when I am alone.
Let him vent, and you just listen. You'll get a chance down the road...