I'm a very lucky person, but still fine tuning

[woundedfool]

Here is my 1st thread: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2374997&page=1

Synopsis: Married just shy of 10 years, W BD me with news she wasn't happy for a long time, moved out & filed for D while I was out of town on business. Surprised not only me, but everyone including all of our friends and family.

The BD was the ONLY time in our time together she ever mentioned unhappiness or divorce. (We even booked a 10 year anniversary trip 5 (or so) weeks before she BD).

Since the BD, I embraced DB'ing. I have learned I have been a very blessed person. I have a great network of family, friends, co-workers and peers that have rallied around me and helped me GAL.

DB'ing has:

• re-ignited my faith (not that it was horrible, but I was a "couch catholic". I am now fully immersed in my faith again.
• Helped me renew old friendships as a GAL
• Helped me tremedously in my career, as I feel more focused and productive

I have also learned that the old saying is true, when God closes one door, he opens another: As I have had several tragedies in my family this year; the tools I have learned in DB'ing have helped me help my family navigate the tragedies. Including buying a friend DR who needed it for his son.

I feel a bit like George Bailey as I really do have a Wonderful Life.

Moving forward, I have been cooperating with the D but having no expectations as how that will play out.

[AnotherNeedsHelp]

I like the last bit that you say there. I think a lot of us just expect the WAS to come round and it might not happen or it might take a very long time but as long as you have hope, not expectation, then you'll be okay.

Congratulations on how things are going. It seems like you're doing very well for yourself.

[hotwheelsaust]

woundedfool, good to hear that DB has improved you and your life, while also regaining your faith.
Like you my family and friends had no idea what the W felt or was feeling. They all found out via the W on the same day. Like you we were still making future plans (maybe mostly me as per her complaints). Like you BD was the only time she mentioned unhappiness or divorce.
I might not be as far down the line with DB as you, but getting there.

[woundedfool]

Got some hate text from W, accused me of "talking smack" about her. I am not guilty of the "charge", as I have not seen the person she cited as the source since before BD. Almost felt like she was trying to goat me into a fight. I calmly denied the "charge", and told her I have not interacted with this person. Now, from that she has decided not to have any more dinners with me.

[AnotherNeedsHelp]

I'm not sure I would worry too much about that right now. You said yourself you'd had no interaction with this supposed source. You were in a no-win situation as it does sound to me like W was trying to goad you into a fight and when you wouldn't take the bait, she used that as her "reason" not to see you.

[AnotherStander]

Got some hate text from W, accused me of "talking smack" about her. I am not guilty of the "charge", as I have not seen the person she cited as the source since before BD. Almost felt like she was trying to goat me into a fight. I calmly denied the "charge", and told her I have not interacted with this person. Now, from that she has decided not to have any more dinners with me.

I've heard of this exact same thing happening before and then practically overnight the WAS will act like everything is fine again and the convo never took place. Do what you can to detach yourself from the crazy train!

[woundedfool]

Holy crap

I've heard of this exact same thing happening before and then practically overnight the WAS will act like everything is fine again and the convo never took place. Do what you can to detach yourself from the crazy train!

Holy Crap.... did you ever hit the nail on the head. I actually got the hate text Wed or Thurs (but posted about it Friday). Over the weekend, I get texts thanking me for a bunch of things.

[woundedfool]

I mentioned this in my old thread, but since it locked, I never received any responses.

I would appreciate any thoughts on the actual divorce itself: I am thinking that no matter what, I should follow through with the legal side of the divorce itself (to a final judgement), regardless of how our relationship ends up.

Is my path counter productive to DB'ing?

Any thoughts (or sharing experiences) would be appreciated.

[AnotherStander]

Holy Crap.... did you ever hit the nail on the head.

LOL! Sometimes the script is soooo predictable!

I would appreciate any thoughts on the actual divorce itself: I am thinking that no matter what, I should follow through with the legal side of the divorce itself (to a final judgement), regardless of how our relationship ends up.

Is my path counter productive to DB'ing?

The DB approach is to not interfere with the D, but don't help it along either. Let the WAS handle everything. If she brings you something to sign, read it, show it to your lawyer if you have one and go ahead and sign it. Some people try to delay the D but usually it just makes the WAS angry. Do make sure you're rights are protected, if you don't agree with the D settlement then by all means fight for what is rightfully yours. But if it's at all possible to get through the process without a big nasty fight then that's the way to go.

It's not uncommon for the WAS to suddenly change after D. Often they feel the burden has been lifted and there's no more pressure, so they don't see the LBS as the enemy anymore. So hope doesn't end at D, you just never know.

[woundedfool]

The DB approach is to not interfere with the D, but don't help it along either. Let the WAS handle everything. If she brings you something to sign, read it, show it to your lawyer if you have one and go ahead and sign it. Some people try to delay the D but usually it just makes the WAS angry. Do make sure you're rights are protected, if you don't agree with the D settlement then by all means fight for what is rightfully yours. But if it's at all possible to get through the process without a big nasty fight then that's the way to go.

Cooperation has been my mantra. I have been protecting my interests. But for the most part I have been agreeable in the process. I have let my attorney do all the "dirty work" (be the bearer of bad news, requests for money, ending inappropriate behavior, etc).

It's not uncommon for the WAS to suddenly change after D. Often they feel the burden has been lifted and there's no more pressure, so they don't see the LBS as the enemy anymore.

This is a bit reassuring, open question to everyone: Anyone else find things have improved after the legal process has taken its course?

[woundedfool]

a fait accompli

[woundedfool]

Legal side is complete, so now I am past tense divorced.

Still looking for any input from others who have completed the legal process, Another Standers input is appreciated, but anyone else have experience?

[woundedfool]

It's not uncommon for the WAS to suddenly change after D. Often they feel the burden has been lifted and there's no more pressure, so they don't see the LBS as the enemy anymore. So hope doesn't end at D, you just never know.

Another observation (AnotherStander was very correct), Her mood/demeanor seems far less tense. Seems that maybe the pressure has have seemed to have released with the actual legal efforts completed.

[woundedfool]

Been a while, since the legal process is complete I though I would check in.

Turns out there is/was a OM (don't know/or care if it was EA or PA).

She has told me she is involved with him as she enjoys helping him get his life back on track (he has a very checkered past... think drug/alcohol, stealing cars, armed robbery. close to 20 years in prison, recently paroled).

But her family and friends have told her in no uncertain terms that OM is not to be around them.

Back to me: I have been sticking to my 180's and GAL. Even picked up shooting... boy does firing off a few rounds at the range help blow off steam.

[woundedfool]

ETA:
Been a while, since the legal process completed. I though I would check in.

[FlyOnTheWall]

Wow, I guess it true about what they say in regards to "affairing down".

So the legal process completed means your divorced?

I'm sorry.

Have you started dating yet?

[Mimi00]

Welcome back. OM sounds....interesting. I'm sure taking care of him won't be so adventerous as time goes on.

It's wonderful that you have kept up with your changes and GALs and seem to have a great PMA.
Keep us updated on your progress.

[AnotherStander]

She has told me she is involved with him as she enjoys helping him get his life back on track (he has a very checkered past... think drug/alcohol, stealing cars, armed robbery. close to 20 years in prison, recently paroled).

Good grief! Well some women love a project, and he certainly fits the bill. She can't fix him but she doesn't know that yet.

Back to me: I have been sticking to my 180's and GAL. Even picked up shooting... boy does firing off a few rounds at the range help blow off steam.

LOL! Good stuff! I like to jump on a 2 wheeled motorized conveyance and sling it across the blacktop with extreme prejudice, same kind of release

[woundedfool]

So the legal process completed means your divorced?

Yes

I'm sorry.

Thank you, but don't be. While it is the path I never, ever, would have chosen. It has helped my life and my relationships in so many other ways.

Have you started dating yet?

Not in the looking for a partner sense. I just don't feel comfortable with that quite yet. Also, a little piece of me worries about diving into a rebound, and that never seems to work out well.

[woundedfool]

Welcome back.

Thanks!

OM sounds....interesting.

It could be a "Lifetime" movie. I actually toned down my post about the OM, as I would blow my anonymity.

I'm sure taking care of him won't be so adventerous as time goes on.

One would think. But time won't really go on. Since patterns tend to repeat, he will be back in prison in about 10 months (this is his 4th time out, he seems to re-offend in that time-frame).

Keep us updated on your progress.

I will. But I also want to stay involved to help others here, as this outlet was very helpful to me.

[woundedfool]

Good grief! Well some women people love a project, and he certainly fits the bill. She can't fix him but she doesn't know that yet.

How about we say some "people"

Armchair psychology: I am to understand trying to fix him, is supposedly an attempt to avoid your own issues.

LOL! Good stuff! I like to jump on a 2 wheeled motorized conveyance and sling it across the blacktop with extreme prejudice, same kind of release

See forthcoming PM from me.

[woundedfool]

LOL! Good stuff! I like to jump on a 2 wheeled motorized conveyance and sling it across the blacktop with extreme prejudice, same kind of release

See forthcoming PM from me.

Hmmm.... sending PM's seem to be disabled for me (I have recieved some). FAQ's don't address it. Did I miss something?

[woundedfool]

OK lesson learned from DB tech support. There is no system for PM's.

LOL! Good stuff! I like to jump on a 2 wheeled motorized conveyance and sling it across the blacktop with extreme prejudice, same kind of release

So without going into the detail I wanted: YES! That same feeling of extreme prejudice has helped clear my head as well. Nothing quite like the turn of the right wrist to make you feel better after a call from a lawyer.

[woundedfool]

help... not sure what to do. exW and I were talking on the phone about something her attorney screwed up.... she starts breaking down and crying.

I had our child call her later to perk her up, and it helped.

she sent me a text this morning, telling me how unhappy she is, shes has failed as a mother, she doesn't know where the rent will come from next week, and she doesn't know how she will buy gifts for Christmas.

she completed the text with she. (i)" know its not your (refering to me) problem."

I don't have any idea what to say or do..... but it felt like shes at her bottom.

[MrBond]

She's not at the bottom yet. Stop trying to rescue her and be the 'Nice guy'.

[woundedfool]

need some advice: She has asked me to help her with a financial issue.

The old me wants to go and rescue, help, set something up, no questions asked.

The new me wonders if I would do the same thing for any other friend (some I would, some I wouldn't).

[woundedfool]

Papers have been signed, attorneys have been paid, accounts have been separated, lines of credit cancelled. Effectively, my marriage is over.

It is never the path I would have chosen in life, but whether it is health, employment/career, hitting the lottery.... many of life's situations we don't have the ability to control (as much as we hope and pray we can). And you know what? I am OK with it.

This is not my swan song, I would like to stick around and try my best to contribute and help as this forum is only as strong as its participants. So I thought I would post this hoping it helps someone, sometime.

Aside from running out and getting DB and DR (which you should do, and read immediately, and then re-read, and then re-read, wash rinse repeat).

Some things took too long to sink in, so I am re-posting things in the hopes other catch on quicker then I did as that would have saved me time and pain. Once they did sink in I could almost see a giant cartoon like light bulb turn on over my head:

1. Cadet welcomed me with

Get out and GAL.

DETACH.

Believe none of what she says and half of what she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

You are on moderation right now on the forum.
SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it.

Your W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.

USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Francis Bacon

Keep Posting but have patience for your posts to show up

Aside from googling: "who the hell is Francis Bacon" (for the record: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Francis_Bacon )
Time and patience are the keys here. You will not have your spouse run out and get a refund from the lawyer, change their mind as quick as they made it up. This is the beginning of a long process. Some will work out in a many months, some never will. And if they do work out, the old marriage/way will be a different version.

2. Memorize the 37 rules, there is a reason it is a sticky. http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2250607#Post2250607

I, for one, saved them to my phone, Kindle and printed a copy for my car, and one that was in my coat at all times.

3. Work on YOU!

a. As I state above reading DB/DR is working on you, so keep up with that.

b. Seek qualified help DB Coaching, counseling, support groups, pastoral care, etc.

c. Since this takes time (see #1), you will have all this "down time". Where traditionally you were used to coming home to dinner, going out, playing with the kids, etc. In my case custody is 50/50, so on my off weeks I was going crazy. Embrace something, anything: jump into a bowling league, join a gym, volunteer at the soup kitchen, take a 6 week foreign language class. In my case I have been working on finishing my degree and contemplating taking the GMAT or LSAT.

4. Keep an open mind about everything and don't close any doors. Never in a million years did I think I would EVER plant a garden Who knows... you might learn to play "Stairway to Heaven".

My big takeaway is that while my marriage is/was a part of me and the divorce is too. Do NOT let it define you, You have the power to write your own story. Use that power to create your own definition of you and where you are headed.

[AnotherStander]

Great advice! Very sorry to hear about your D, but it sounds like you're doing great!

[labug]

Very inspiring post.

[2BHappy]

Wounded

I was looking for posts about your current situation. I mean you help me soooo much and I just started to think,,,what is going on with you. I dont see any posts about yourself.

Not even sure how I could help,,,just wondering

[woundedfool]

Wounded

I was looking for posts about your current situation. I mean you help me soooo much and I just started to think,,,what is going on with you. I dont see any posts about yourself.

Not even sure how I could help,,,just wondering

Thank you for the offer, but no help needed. I am content where I wound up.

While each situation is different (yet the same) mine was created with a WAW who did not (and will not) address her own demons (not implying I am without fault, or the perfect husband). So an opportunity of R never presented itself. Essentially, my situation required a full blown "hand of God" miracle to prevent a D.

Now, all that being said... While I am not holding a candle in the window for her. But.... I would still meet at a table to find if there would be a way for us to find each other again.

The alien stole her in Feb 2013, and is yet to return her... as she has told me the grass is not greener, is miserable, etc.

But I cannot put my life on hold for her, I can only work and keep myself (and child) happy & healthy. Kind of like the line from the Shaw-shank Redemption: "get busy living, get busy dying". I chose (and continue to choose) living.

[Thornton]

Thanks for this, Woundedfool.

[T384]

I personally thank you for taking time out of your day and life for that matter to help me save my marriage you have been someone I can count on to help pull me out of the darkness of this! You are an inspiration and while things did not work out the way you wanted you have truly changed yourself into a person only a fool would leave and you will find someone that will love and appreciate you in every way that you deserve. I wish you the best

[woundedfool]

I personally thank you for taking time out of your day and life for that matter to help me save my marriage you have been someone I can count on to help pull me out of the darkness of this! You are an inspiration and while things did not work out the way you wanted you have truly changed yourself into a person only a fool would leave and you will find someone that will love and appreciate you in every way that you deserve. I wish you the best

Thank you for the kind thoughts. I owe this place a debt of gratitude for helping me keep my sanity before, during and after my D.

[2BHappy]

So I want to know Woundedfool...how are you doing?

What GAL's are you doing?

You help soo much and I just want to make sure you are taking care of YOU!

Fill us in on you, if you don't mind sharing

[woundedfool]

So... I see my response to this was washed away in the great purge of September 2014 So I will take another shot at it:

So I want to know Woundedfool...how are you doing?

I am doing fine, thank you!

What GAL's are you doing?

A quick run down; and these are things I do consistently (not just a one off/lark):

• Canoeing
• Camping
• Actually took golf lessons (and joined my first league)
• Power Boating
• Fishing
• Trail/Mountain biking
• Burning my gazillion airline miles to see friends and family
• Volunteering
• Ice Hockey
• Gardening/landscaping
• Joined my local IDPA group (competitive pistol shooting), was thinking about doing a competition in the spring.
• Spent more time on my motorcycle in the last 18 months, then I have in 10 years
• Helping my friend launch his portable BBQ business
• Took 2 different foreign language classes (one I really enjoyed, so I will be taking the next level this winter)
• and not to sound Pius... but trying to give back here as much as I can. There are a few long term threads (like you) that I try to stay on top of, and keep posters motivated.

You help soo much and I just want to make sure you are taking care of YOU!

Thank you, I appreciate the concern. Just do me a favor: Down the road, regardless of how your sitch turns out.... help someone else here who feels like are in your shoes (or buy a friend or co-worker a copy of DR/DB).

Fill us in on you, if you don't mind sharing

For me on the personal side (other then GAL's):
Enjoying spending time with S8, doing the things we have always done together & coming up with new "adventures" all the time.

As far as relationships/love interests/dating: While I have not closed the door on anything, I am not seeking anything... just enjoying "being me" for a while.

[woundedfool]

I don't frequent or contribute to the forum as much as I used to. But I've been divorced since late 2013. I fully immersed myself into DB and MWD's way of thinking. It was amazing how many things she advocates are 100% on the money! The things I learned I still use in most all aspects of my life, and they have served me very well.

I have a few threads here somewhere (I even update my signature/stats as they were pretty out of date).

I kind of felt the need to post, as I've just been scratching my head on this:

About 2 months back, out of the clear blue on our former wedding anniversary I received a text from ex wife, citing our marriage vows and telling me how sorry she was for failing at our marriage.

I responded with a polite: Thank you, wish you the best etc.

Then yesterday (fathers day) I get a detailed email from her that felt about as contrite as I have ever heard her. Telling me how it was all her fault, how she wished she had tried, how every decision she has made since her walking away was wrong. The gist of the letter was asking for forgiveness, which I did forgive her quite some time ago.

I don't know if right now I am journaling, asking for advice, venting, or looking too deep into a shallow well. So feel free to throw any and all comments into this thread (even if just to say "hey").

[Coconut]

I just posted that time and distance really change perspective, I've seen my "feelings" towards my WW really change in the 6 months since we separated. I can only imagine what a few years would do.

I'm sure that hearing that from her is a shock to the system, something you probably longed for when the wounds were fresh, but now that you've moved on and you think about it with a level head, it's got to be difficult to decide if you even want to open that conversation.

question on your signature, did she really give you the ILYBNILWY speech the day after she filed for D?

[woundedfool]

I'm sure that hearing that from her is a shock to the system, something you probably longed for when the wounds were fresh, but now that you've moved on and you think about it with a level head, it's got to be difficult to decide if you even want to open that conversation.

Yea, to be totally honest: there was a touch of satisfaction deep down as I was reading it. But I don't know if it was sour grapes, or actually sadness that she is only processing this now. I should note, while I have thanked her for the messages, I have simply acted "as if"

It is amazing how not only perspective but also priorities can change in that time.

question on your signature, did she really give you the ILYBNILWY speech the day after she filed for D?

Sure! Sort of: actually I was out of town for a week, in that time she saw an attorney, filed, and moved out. She picked me up from the airport and gave me "the speech" at that point.

[Cadet]

I have a few threads here somewhere (I even update my signature/stats as they were pretty out of date).

Your threads are now merged together and the link for the last one is in the first post on this thread

[woundedfool]

Your threads are now merged together and the link for the last one is in the first post on this thread

Thanks Cadet! Good to see you still run a tight ship here!

[Coconut]

Now, all that being said... While I am not holding a candle in the window for her. But.... I would still meet at a table to find if there would be a way for us to find each other again.

Then yesterday (fathers day) I get a detailed email from her that felt about as contrite as I have ever heard her. Telling me how it was all her fault, how she wished she had tried, how every decision she has made since her walking away was wrong. The gist of the letter was asking for forgiveness, which I did forgive her quite some time ago.

6 posts apart, 3 years apart, and I have to say I'm intrigued.

I posted for a long time that I would never consider getting back with my WW, that if she ever approached me I wouldn't consider it.

Then my most recent posts as that I was like 99% sure, cause you never know until the opportunity presents.

I think I initially convinced myself that there was "no way I would even consider it" to protect myself and make me feel like I was in control. But distance and time, and a lot of self reflection on my failures in the M, has softened that stance a bit.

What we say we would do, in a hypothetical, is based on emotion and changes based on where we are in life at that particular moment, but what you said you would do really has no bearing on what you do when it actually happens.

It's often said that many people succeed in getting their WS to stop the craziness and come back, only to have the LBS walk away. I don't know what your relationship with her has been over the last few years, I see you have a D so I'm sure there has been some interaction, but I hope you continue to share your thoughts and actions on this. I think this happens to more people that you would think, and in my year here I've never seen it posted.

btw - I realize she didn't say that she would like to try again, but I definitely think the intention was to open a conversation.

[AnotherStander]

WF!!!!!!! How are you old friend? I just got back on here recently myself, good to see you!

I don't frequent or contribute to the forum as much as I used to. But I've been divorced since late 2013. I fully immersed myself into DB and MWD's way of thinking. It was amazing how many things she advocates are 100% on the money! The things I learned I still use in most all aspects of my life, and they have served me very well.

Well said! I recently posted in another thread that I used DB principals with my GF, my XW, my kids and even coworkers. There's may aspects of DB'ing that have universal application.

About 2 months back, out of the clear blue on our former wedding anniversary I received a text from ex wife, citing our marriage vows and telling me how sorry she was for failing at our marriage.

I responded with a polite: Thank you, wish you the best etc.

Great response!

Then yesterday (fathers day) I get a detailed email from her that felt about as contrite as I have ever heard her. Telling me how it was all her fault, how she wished she had tried, how every decision she has made since her walking away was wrong. The gist of the letter was asking for forgiveness, which I did forgive her quite some time ago.

Interesting. Well she has certainly had ample time to do her soul-searching and find herself, and it sounds like she may have and is finally owning her part in it. Good on you for forgiving her. Hard to say if this is also a temperature check on her part to see if you're still interested, but it -might- be. What are your thoughts on that, if she is indeed showing interest?

[woundedfool]

6 posts apart, 3 years apart, and I have to say I'm intrigued.

Technically you can credit Cadet for that, he was kind enough to just merge some old threads of mine together. Serves me right for not participating more.

What we say we would do, in a hypothetical, is based on emotion and changes based on where we are in life at that particular moment, but what you said you would do really has no bearing on what you do when it actually happens.

Yes, amazing how the hypothetical changes once reality sets in. I think you see that on those silly lottery shows... picking people apart because they win obscene amounts of money, and then discuss how you think they are crazy for spending high six figures $$$ on a car. But if the shoe is on the other foot...... color me driving a Tesla.

I don't know what your relationship with her has been over the last few years,

Just to give color: straight from DB... I have treated her like a friendly neighbor.

I see you have a D

Sorry to nit pick... but its an S And to toot my own horn, I think we do a good job co-parenting.

btw - I realize she didn't say that she would like to try again, but I definitely think the intention was to open a conversation.

I think that is a fair assessment.

[woundedfool]

WF!!!!!!! How are you old friend? I just got back on here recently myself, good to see you!

Good to see you too! I'll work on catching up on your threads.

Well said! I recently posted in another thread that I used DB principals with my GF, my XW, my kids and even coworkers. There's may aspects of DB'ing that have universal application.

So very true.

Hard to say if this is also a temperature check on her part to see if you're still interested, but it -might- be. What are your thoughts on that, if she is indeed showing interest?

I guess that is why I put it out here for input. I thought I would have had more of a reaction. So far its just kind of indifference (almost "as if")...I'm just kind of numb to the words so far.

[JujuB]

Thank you for coming back on and posting. 4 years later and some validation! I think that's what a lot of us wish for. The recognition of the unfairness, pain, and suffering we endured at their hands. I imagine, even after you are healed, that validation feels good. We all want answers.

Hope you keep posting.

[T384]

Wounded!!!!

So happy to see you I was wondering if you were still around.

I'm back here again unfortunately but still want you to know how much I appreciated all your help and patience with me.

I hope life is treating you well!

[AnotherStander]

Good to see you too! I'll work on catching up on your threads.

I posted a brief update here, that I just now discovered Job merged with my older threads:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2747663&#Post2747663

I guess that is why I put it out here for input. I thought I would have had more of a reaction. So far its just kind of indifference (almost "as if")...I'm just kind of numb to the words so far.

Coming back here has got me to thinking about that as well. What would I do if XW said she wants to reconcile? I TOTALLY understand your reaction of "indifference". I think I would be the same. The whole idea of it just seems so foreign at this point, you know? That said, I have a buddy whose wife (technically they were never married but lived together for 5+ years) went off-reservation like so many of ours do. He went from being the greatest guy in the world to scum of the earth. She left, they sold their farm and split the proceeds and that was it. For 2 years. Then she wanted to go out to dinner with him. Then again. And again. Then it turned from dinner to more. Now they're back together. What did he do to get her back? Nothing. IE- gave her time and space. I have another friend who just remarried his XW (WAS). They were apart 8 YEARS. Anyway I guess my point is WAS's do sometimes have an awakening and want to reconcile, but it's usually so far after the LBS has healed and moved on that it's a difficult decision for the LBS to decide what to do. If you want to check her interest level then ask her out to dinner. See where it goes. Good luck with whatever you decide buddy!

[TxHubby]

Whenever anyone cheats on, and leaves, a good spouse, they almost always reach back out at some point after their life has spiraled down and hit rock bottom. You were the best thing that ever happened to her. She's looking for you to rescue her from her crappy post-D life. I've seen a lot of people who do. Some live happily ever after, some end up repeating the same thing that happened to them in the past.

That is what she's looking for. Her OM was a POS and has probably abused her, stole from her, and pretty much destroyed her. All her fault. She realizes what a gem you were and is fishing right now seeing if there's a chance. Is there?

[Gordie]

WF, thanks so much for posting. I'm 9 months post b d and am intrigued by how you will respond or not.

[woundedfool]

So happy to see you I was wondering if you were still around.

The rumors of my death were greatly exaggerated

I'm back here again unfortunately

I caught up on a lot of your threads. I am sorry to see your need for DB again. I wish you the best in your journey. I'll keep poking my head in on you.

I hope life is treating you well!

Doing well, thank you!

[cadence]

I'm a relative newbie, but even I appreciate people checking back in. It helps us know things will be okay and one day we might just get what we are hoping for. And maybe by that time we won't know what to do with it!

WF, I think this is definite temperature checking. She sent them to you on holidays that she thought would help her case by making you nostalgic.

We don't know what she's thinking, but I think this is definite testing of the waters given that she was clearly trying to play upon your holiday-related emotions. You did great with your friendly replies that kept a boundary up. Now she knows that you are most likely receptive, but she has to dig up the courage to be a little more forthcoming about her intentions.

I think you should spend some time thinking about what you want because I think she's going to try to ask to R. Be ready, but of course you wouldn't know anything until you heard information from her about her intentions and how you might find trust in her again. You want to be warm and open but you do not want to let her back in easily. She would value you and any new relationship less if you enabled her such that she didn't have to take risks. Make her find her courage and work, while you remain stable, warm, and somewhat mysterious. (This is not to hurt her, but to force her out of her comfort zone to set up any R up for success.)

[woundedfool]

She realizes what a gem you were and is fishing right now seeing if there's a chance. Is there?

Simply put: I don't know if there is a chance on my end. I have learned to not close any doors on anything., but to repeat: if directly asked... I just don't know.

WF, thanks so much for posting. I'm 9 months post b d and am intrigued by how you will respond or not.

I see I actually didn't put it in the original post. But I did give a very general (friendly neighbor like) acknowledgement of the message from fathers day.

[woundedfool]

but I think this is definite testing of the waters given that she was clearly trying to play upon your holiday-related emotions.

Never crossed my mind about that part of the timing. You are exactly right.

She would value you and any new relationship less if you enabled her such that she didn't have to take risks. Make her find her courage and work.......(This is not to hurt her, but to force her out of her comfort zone to set up any R up for success.)

I really like this thought! (this is the kind of perspective/brainstorming I was hoping to get)

[AnotherStander]

WF, yesterday my XW came by to pick up S and sat down for a while to tell me about her vacation and some stuff going on at work. Reading your updates got me to thinking about what recon with her would look like, and I honestly just can't picture it. I was just sitting there looking at her and listening to her and thinking, was I really married to her? It seems so long ago, and like someone else's life rather than mine. At this point it wouldn't even really be reconciling, it would be starting over again from ground zero. And would I want to? She's a sweet person, but I don't even feel the slightest pang of attraction anymore. If I gave it any effort it would simply be because of our history together and because of the kids, but at their ages I'm not sure that would have any benefit for them anymore. We've all healed and moved on I think. I'm just curious if your thoughts are along those lines as well, or are you giving thought to possible recon?

[woundedfool]

I'm just curious if your thoughts are along those lines as well, or are you giving thought to possible recon?

Actually by design: no thoughts either way. I started overthinking it on Sunday (is she looking to come back, would I have her back, what would I say, what would she say? what would people say? would I actually get remarried? what, I thought I didn't want to marry again.... info overload... ERROR, ERROR! ), hence... what led me to post about it here.

[Cristy]

Hello woundedfool,

Thanks for your update!

Is it possible she could be temperature checking you to see if you are still an option?

Cristy

Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004