What the...? - 06/17/13 07:01 PM
Re: What the...? - 06/17/13 07:10 PM
Perfect!
Re: What the...? - 06/17/13 07:25 PM
I never noticed the link button there when you quote! So you can title your link!
You taught me something, thanks!
You taught me something, thanks!
Re: What the...? - 06/17/13 08:05 PM
It has been a long few days and I don't even know if I can sum it all up, I will journal as best I can:
I could feel H pulling away & shutting down last week, then we had the fight Thursday night.
Friday
I was shocked when H acted normal at breakfast, a change from past behaviors.
We had a long conversation where I did my best to validate what he was saying but also share some of my concerns. (Blurry, hard to remember exactly how things went at this point)
We talked about D's trip and he said he wasn't trying to be negative he just didn't see how I could plan a vacation. I was calm and explained that I wasn't planning a v, D needed to get there and this was the most cost effective solution. We agreed I would pick her up and stay out there for a few days. He feels that even though it costs more money, what to do with S for 10 days is also an issue. I disagree with the choice but I kept my mouth shut because I truly don't want to go if it will hurt us in the long run.
We talked about my lack of trust. I calmly asked him to try to understand me for a change instead of being upset by me. I shared my feelings on his friendships (EA's, or all were on there way to EA at one point). I told him how I felt about seeing K at field day and said "I am not going to tell you to end the friendship but I will tell you that I am no longer comfortable with it. I hope that you will get to the point that you care enough about my feelings to end it, and if you do, I would like you to let me know"
Unfortunately, in between my telling him how I felt about seeing her at FD, and making that statement, he spit out that OM had been in his restaurant the weekend before and stayed at the bar for a couple of hours. I chose to ignore it at that moment. My bad decisions do not excuse his and I kept my focus on what we were talking about. After I said what I said, I told him I was very sorry that he had to deal with that and have it thrown in his face. I think OM is an "bleep" for not leaving when he found out he was there.
conversation went longer than it should have and there were more tears on my part
Saturday
seemed ok, somewhat distant
Sun
Very distant in the morning, went outside and sat on patio alone and clearly gave me the impression he did not want me to join him. We had baseball and he talked some but was still pulled away and not talking much. I quit talking to him unless he spoke to me and then I was nice but only answered whatever he said.
At S's bedtime he asked who was putting him to bed. I said that's completely up to you and he laughed and smirked at me. I was really upset as him laughing at me has been a huge issue over the years. I told him I wasn't sure what was funny, I just wanted him to have whatever he wanted. He put H to bed and I went to bed while he was up there.
Today
H said he isn't sure that I really want to be in our M because I do things to sabotage it. I asked if he meant recently or in the past and he listed examples that were quite old. I said I understood why he felt that way and that I had never truly wanted out although I knew my actions had said otherwise at some points and I was sorry. I asked if he thought of anything in the last few months to please let me know because it is unknown to me and I want to correct it if there is.
Then he said he doesn't see where things are different and he referenced an incident from a few weeks ago that was very minor. I said it made me nervous that he expects perfection and one little thing seems to send him out the door. He said that's how he felt for years so I said "I understand, I am sorry you felt that way" (I used that more today than any other time in my life!) I said "I don't believe that things will be any different until you get to the point where you are willing to create a new M together. You are here because it makes sense to stay but I still get the feeling that you are expecting all of the changes to come from me. Things won't work that way because we both have changes we need to make. Even if we commit to working on things, I don't believe it will change overnight and, in the meantime, we are just here doing what we have done before. I can only focus on me and what I need to do at this point"
He mentioned me reading 5LL and that it just feels like more of the same, that I am always reading and wanting to try this or that and it doesn't make a difference. I said "I understand...., we both know that follow through is something I lack in most areas of my life and I am trying to work on that. I always have good intentions but I don't always f/thru. I explained the concept of 5LL and said it made a lot of sense to me. I told him mine were qt and pt and I didn't know what he wanted to do with that information but I wanted him to have it.
He said last spring I was spending a lot of time with you and I said "I know, I was very happy last spring". He said "so happy you went back to OM?" (I did not go back to OM, this is his belief) I said that the situation happened exactly as I explained, I wish I could take it back because it was a stupid, thoughtless split second decision. He said he looks in bar parking lot every single time he goes by and he hasn't seen his truck there since so he finds it hard to believe that he just happened to be there. I said I have seen it once or twice but no, he does not hang out there the way he used to and that is clear because his truck isn't there, however,it happened the way I told you and I said I am sorry you do not believe me but I understand why.
Then he said he still had a lot of unresolved feelings with OM and that one of these days if he does see his truck there and he is "in the right frame of mind, or the wrong one, I am going to go in." I said I understand, I would like your ok to send him a text and tell him to stay out of your restaurant. He said no, if he sees him again he will go tell him to leave.
At that point he had enough and took a shower to run errands. When he got out I said "I don't believe I have ever given you the credit you deserve for handling this the way you have. I know it took a lot, thank you"
He said "thanks, and I want you to know you can quit worrying that I am seeing someone. I am not now, nor have I ever. I made that mistake once with someone else, and then having it done me to, I had to make a decision about the kind of person I wanted to be. It would have been easy to do it but I made the decision not to"
I could feel H pulling away & shutting down last week, then we had the fight Thursday night.
Friday
I was shocked when H acted normal at breakfast, a change from past behaviors.
We had a long conversation where I did my best to validate what he was saying but also share some of my concerns. (Blurry, hard to remember exactly how things went at this point)
We talked about D's trip and he said he wasn't trying to be negative he just didn't see how I could plan a vacation. I was calm and explained that I wasn't planning a v, D needed to get there and this was the most cost effective solution. We agreed I would pick her up and stay out there for a few days. He feels that even though it costs more money, what to do with S for 10 days is also an issue. I disagree with the choice but I kept my mouth shut because I truly don't want to go if it will hurt us in the long run.
We talked about my lack of trust. I calmly asked him to try to understand me for a change instead of being upset by me. I shared my feelings on his friendships (EA's, or all were on there way to EA at one point). I told him how I felt about seeing K at field day and said "I am not going to tell you to end the friendship but I will tell you that I am no longer comfortable with it. I hope that you will get to the point that you care enough about my feelings to end it, and if you do, I would like you to let me know"
Unfortunately, in between my telling him how I felt about seeing her at FD, and making that statement, he spit out that OM had been in his restaurant the weekend before and stayed at the bar for a couple of hours. I chose to ignore it at that moment. My bad decisions do not excuse his and I kept my focus on what we were talking about. After I said what I said, I told him I was very sorry that he had to deal with that and have it thrown in his face. I think OM is an "bleep" for not leaving when he found out he was there.
conversation went longer than it should have and there were more tears on my part
Saturday
seemed ok, somewhat distant
Sun
Very distant in the morning, went outside and sat on patio alone and clearly gave me the impression he did not want me to join him. We had baseball and he talked some but was still pulled away and not talking much. I quit talking to him unless he spoke to me and then I was nice but only answered whatever he said.
At S's bedtime he asked who was putting him to bed. I said that's completely up to you and he laughed and smirked at me. I was really upset as him laughing at me has been a huge issue over the years. I told him I wasn't sure what was funny, I just wanted him to have whatever he wanted. He put H to bed and I went to bed while he was up there.
Today
H said he isn't sure that I really want to be in our M because I do things to sabotage it. I asked if he meant recently or in the past and he listed examples that were quite old. I said I understood why he felt that way and that I had never truly wanted out although I knew my actions had said otherwise at some points and I was sorry. I asked if he thought of anything in the last few months to please let me know because it is unknown to me and I want to correct it if there is.
Then he said he doesn't see where things are different and he referenced an incident from a few weeks ago that was very minor. I said it made me nervous that he expects perfection and one little thing seems to send him out the door. He said that's how he felt for years so I said "I understand, I am sorry you felt that way" (I used that more today than any other time in my life!) I said "I don't believe that things will be any different until you get to the point where you are willing to create a new M together. You are here because it makes sense to stay but I still get the feeling that you are expecting all of the changes to come from me. Things won't work that way because we both have changes we need to make. Even if we commit to working on things, I don't believe it will change overnight and, in the meantime, we are just here doing what we have done before. I can only focus on me and what I need to do at this point"
He mentioned me reading 5LL and that it just feels like more of the same, that I am always reading and wanting to try this or that and it doesn't make a difference. I said "I understand...., we both know that follow through is something I lack in most areas of my life and I am trying to work on that. I always have good intentions but I don't always f/thru. I explained the concept of 5LL and said it made a lot of sense to me. I told him mine were qt and pt and I didn't know what he wanted to do with that information but I wanted him to have it.
He said last spring I was spending a lot of time with you and I said "I know, I was very happy last spring". He said "so happy you went back to OM?" (I did not go back to OM, this is his belief) I said that the situation happened exactly as I explained, I wish I could take it back because it was a stupid, thoughtless split second decision. He said he looks in bar parking lot every single time he goes by and he hasn't seen his truck there since so he finds it hard to believe that he just happened to be there. I said I have seen it once or twice but no, he does not hang out there the way he used to and that is clear because his truck isn't there, however,it happened the way I told you and I said I am sorry you do not believe me but I understand why.
Then he said he still had a lot of unresolved feelings with OM and that one of these days if he does see his truck there and he is "in the right frame of mind, or the wrong one, I am going to go in." I said I understand, I would like your ok to send him a text and tell him to stay out of your restaurant. He said no, if he sees him again he will go tell him to leave.
At that point he had enough and took a shower to run errands. When he got out I said "I don't believe I have ever given you the credit you deserve for handling this the way you have. I know it took a lot, thank you"
He said "thanks, and I want you to know you can quit worrying that I am seeing someone. I am not now, nor have I ever. I made that mistake once with someone else, and then having it done me to, I had to make a decision about the kind of person I wanted to be. It would have been easy to do it but I made the decision not to"
Re: What the...? - 06/19/13 05:49 PM
Things seem okay since our talk on Monday, H was looking at 5LL book and took the quiz in the back. He had 2 7's and 2 6's (WOA, AOS, PT, QT)..is this normal? I guess almost anything I do can fill his love tank!
He has been doing little touches since Monday afternoon, we are getting along great, joking around a lot, continue to have sex, etc..
My brain is now wrapped around one thing...this has happened several times in the past and I always think our R is improving, then months later something will happen and he will say "Yeah, we were getting along better but I didn't feel any different" or "things may have seemed better but they weren't inside" ..something along those lines.
I don't know if it is fear speaking or if he is waiting to feel the sparks he felt when we first met. I believe he has unrealistic expectations about what he will feel and that it is how he will know we should stay together.
I would like to ask him (next week, we just talked Monday) what he means by "deep love" and what he thinks a better M looks/feels like (or something like that), what his expectations are of what he will feel like when things are better. Should I do that or should I just keep working on me and not worry about this? I feel like we are headed down the same path we have traveled for the last few years and I want to go left at the fork this time instead of taking the same old path on the right.
He has been doing little touches since Monday afternoon, we are getting along great, joking around a lot, continue to have sex, etc..
My brain is now wrapped around one thing...this has happened several times in the past and I always think our R is improving, then months later something will happen and he will say "Yeah, we were getting along better but I didn't feel any different" or "things may have seemed better but they weren't inside" ..something along those lines.
I don't know if it is fear speaking or if he is waiting to feel the sparks he felt when we first met. I believe he has unrealistic expectations about what he will feel and that it is how he will know we should stay together.
I would like to ask him (next week, we just talked Monday) what he means by "deep love" and what he thinks a better M looks/feels like (or something like that), what his expectations are of what he will feel like when things are better. Should I do that or should I just keep working on me and not worry about this? I feel like we are headed down the same path we have traveled for the last few years and I want to go left at the fork this time instead of taking the same old path on the right.
Re: What the...? - 06/19/13 06:26 PM
^^^^nevermind^^^^
I have been reading a lot of threads and I know I am not in piecing yet. I can't push him or worry about the outcome at this point.
Yep!
I have been reading a lot of threads and I know I am not in piecing yet. I can't push him or worry about the outcome at this point.
Quote:
Originally Posted By: AnotherStander
First I just want to emphasize to you that this is a marathon, not a sprint. Many of us came here expecting quick fixes, but there are none. Rarely does a sitch turn around in less than a year. Most people don't have the patience it takes and quit trying long before things start to turn around. So sit back and take a deep breath and prepare yourself for a lengthy journey. It may seem "unbearable" now, but you're hopefully going to learn a lot about yourself and find patience that you didn't know you had. Good luck!
First I just want to emphasize to you that this is a marathon, not a sprint. Many of us came here expecting quick fixes, but there are none. Rarely does a sitch turn around in less than a year. Most people don't have the patience it takes and quit trying long before things start to turn around. So sit back and take a deep breath and prepare yourself for a lengthy journey. It may seem "unbearable" now, but you're hopefully going to learn a lot about yourself and find patience that you didn't know you had. Good luck!
Yep!
Re: What the...? - 06/23/13 12:44 AM
Okay, advice please...
I know every situation is different but I read so much great advice I think about applying and then I am not sure it works in my situation.
H dropped the B in Feb, I did pull back but we have always lived together and got along really well even though there was no "us". Then we are "back together" but not necessarily because he can't live w/o me, but because we "have a lot of reasons to stay together"
When I read they won't really get it until they lose you, I feel he didn't lose me after he was a WAH but he lost me before that when I was a WAW. So I am assuming walking away again is a bad idea. However, I feel like we have done this so many times before - he wants a D, we spend some time "apart but together", we get along great, he says nothing is different, we are apart again.
In the last month since we "got back together", I am still working on me but I am not mysterious (bad idea after A), he doesn't see my GAL (he is at work so much), I am reaching out to him through his 4LL's.
How do I know if I am doing too much? Should I still be pulled back some? I really don't know. I just know that he has not said he "wants more/wants to create a new M". He is being great, I don't trust it to last.
We don't even see each other much. He is supposed to be off Sun/Mon but we were away and have to go away again this week so he really hasn't been off yet. The days he works he leaves about 10 and gets home between 8-11p depending on the day.
I don't know what I am supposed to be doing...
I know every situation is different but I read so much great advice I think about applying and then I am not sure it works in my situation.
H dropped the B in Feb, I did pull back but we have always lived together and got along really well even though there was no "us". Then we are "back together" but not necessarily because he can't live w/o me, but because we "have a lot of reasons to stay together"
When I read they won't really get it until they lose you, I feel he didn't lose me after he was a WAH but he lost me before that when I was a WAW. So I am assuming walking away again is a bad idea. However, I feel like we have done this so many times before - he wants a D, we spend some time "apart but together", we get along great, he says nothing is different, we are apart again.
In the last month since we "got back together", I am still working on me but I am not mysterious (bad idea after A), he doesn't see my GAL (he is at work so much), I am reaching out to him through his 4LL's.
How do I know if I am doing too much? Should I still be pulled back some? I really don't know. I just know that he has not said he "wants more/wants to create a new M". He is being great, I don't trust it to last.
We don't even see each other much. He is supposed to be off Sun/Mon but we were away and have to go away again this week so he really hasn't been off yet. The days he works he leaves about 10 and gets home between 8-11p depending on the day.
I don't know what I am supposed to be doing...
Re: What the...? - 06/23/13 03:23 PM
Originally Posted By: lovethehub
My brain is now wrapped around one thing...this has happened several times in the past and I always think our R is improving, then months later something will happen and he will say "Yeah, we were getting along better but I didn't feel any different" or "things may have seemed better but they weren't inside" ..something along those lines.
I don't know if it is fear speaking or if he is waiting to feel the sparks he felt when we first met. I believe he has unrealistic expectations about what he will feel and that it is how he will know we should stay together.
I would like to ask him (next week, we just talked Monday) what he means by "deep love" and what he thinks a better M looks/feels like (or something like that), what his expectations are of what he will feel like when things are better. Should I do that or should I just keep working on me and not worry about this? I feel like we are headed down the same path we have traveled for the last few years and I want to go left at the fork this time instead of taking the same old path on the right.
Hi there, I have just read through your thread, and I seem to be going through those same kind of emotions. A few weeks ago, my H told me *exactly* the same things you are hearing, the "things have changed but not enough and I still feel the same way" and "we were getting along better but I still feel the same way, the feelings just aren't there..", etc.
I'm pretty sure my H is feeling the same way, feeling that he has lost the "spark" we once had. I too, at times, feel like asking my H what "real love" would look and feel like to him. Did you end up asking your H about that?
5LL is a great book. I think it's normal to have so many different LL's, I too had a lot of equal LL's, QT, Gifts, PT.
Re: What the...? - 06/24/13 12:55 PM
Thanks Highway.
Does anyone have advice on whether I should be pulled back a little or moving forward as if he is committed?
Does anyone have advice on whether I should be pulled back a little or moving forward as if he is committed?
Re: What the...? - 06/24/13 01:54 PM
Just based on what you have written above, I would say to pull back a little bit. It seems that he might be overwhelmed, as you have mentioned he is acting distant and a little moody. Probably the more you push him, and the subject, the more he pulls away. My H is doing the same right now. For now, it seems, he might need a break from relationship talk and that sort of thing. Does it seem like he might need a little bit of space?
I would try giving him a bit more space and gradually work back to doing more with him, gauging how he responds to what you are doing. "Lovingly distance" as they all say...Have you read Divorce Remedy yet? I found it to be very helpful.
I would try giving him a bit more space and gradually work back to doing more with him, gauging how he responds to what you are doing. "Lovingly distance" as they all say...Have you read Divorce Remedy yet? I found it to be very helpful.
Re: What the...? - 06/24/13 02:03 PM
LTH
You have given such great advice to so many here, including me. I am far from a vet, but I think instinctively you know the right thing to do here. Pull back a bit and evaluate what happens.
I wish you all the luck in the world.
You have given such great advice to so many here, including me. I am far from a vet, but I think instinctively you know the right thing to do here. Pull back a bit and evaluate what happens.
I wish you all the luck in the world.
Re: What the...? - 06/24/13 06:44 PM
Originally Posted By: lovethehub
H dropped the B in Feb, I did pull back but we have always lived together and got along really well even though there was no "us". Then we are "back together" but not necessarily because he can't live w/o me, but because we "have a lot of reasons to stay together"
Do you feel like he is committed to working on the M? Or is it just a convenience thing?
Quote:
When I read they won't really get it until they lose you, I feel he didn't lose me after he was a WAH but he lost me before that when I was a WAW. So I am assuming walking away again is a bad idea.
Walking away is never a good idea unless you are just done with H and ready to walk away from the M for yourself.
Quote:
However, I feel like we have done this so many times before - he wants a D, we spend some time "apart but together", we get along great, he says nothing is different, we are apart again.
What I would take away from this is you can't fix this yourselves, you've tried that before and it's not working. You could use a good solutions-based MC. Do you have a DB coach? If not you might want to try that, they will counsel either you alone or both of you together. Also check into Retrouvaille, it is a fantastic experience for couples who are both committed to working on things (but not as great if one is a WAS with one foot out the door).
Quote:
he doesn't see my GAL (he is at work so much)
GAL is for you. What he should see is your PMA, happiness and independence that comes from GAL.
Quote:
How do I know if I am doing too much? Should I still be pulled back some? I really don't know.
If you don't know then that tells me he's not committed. Because if he were then you would know it. So yes, pull back and give him time and space. Work on you.
Re: What the...? - 06/24/13 08:17 PM
It is actually the opposite, we are getting along very well. My concern is that he has not expressed interest in creating a better relationship and many times in the past I have thought we were making progress only to have him say months later that "nothing is different".
I feel like we sort of jumped right back in, there is a little difference in other times of getting back together, but not much - except the way I am handling disagreements (overall anyway).
I am afraid I just gave him everything and didn't make him "work for it" since he is the WAS.
I feel like we sort of jumped right back in, there is a little difference in other times of getting back together, but not much - except the way I am handling disagreements (overall anyway).
I am afraid I just gave him everything and didn't make him "work for it" since he is the WAS.
Re: What the...? - 06/24/13 08:45 PM
Originally Posted By: lovethehub
It is actually the opposite, we are getting along very well. My concern is that he has not expressed interest in creating a better relationship and many times in the past I have thought we were making progress only to have him say months later that "nothing is different".
I feel like we sort of jumped right back in, there is a little difference in other times of getting back together, but not much - except the way I am handling disagreements (overall anyway).
I am afraid I just gave him everything and didn't make him "work for it" since he is the WAS.
I feel like we sort of jumped right back in, there is a little difference in other times of getting back together, but not much - except the way I am handling disagreements (overall anyway).
I am afraid I just gave him everything and didn't make him "work for it" since he is the WAS.
I have got this the few times W and I have got close. It feels like there is no effort from them and therefore it starts going backwards quite early on.
I'm not sure what you should do but I think I get where you are coming from.
Re: What the...? - 06/24/13 08:52 PM
LTH,
It seems to me that during a rough patch, H mentions that things seemed to be going better but he didn't feel any different about you, it's almost like a defense mechanism kicking in. Things go good for a few months but when something bad happens he uses lines like this to protect himself from thinking you might feel the same way.
I also said something similar to my W when she said she wasn't happy. I told her the reason i drank was because i wasn't happy with our M either, when in all reality, i was just saying that to protect myself in some strange way.
I think in that way, men figure they don't have to shoulder as much of the blame for things during the rough times.
Maybe (and you already mentioned this) the biggest issue with the both of you is trust. The two of you can't trust each other enough to accept the fact that things CAN get better instead of things WON'T get better?
Keep fighting, you have what alot of us are only dreaming about right now, and that is you and your spouse are together. You can make this work and give all of us some hope for our future as well.
Good luck!
It seems to me that during a rough patch, H mentions that things seemed to be going better but he didn't feel any different about you, it's almost like a defense mechanism kicking in. Things go good for a few months but when something bad happens he uses lines like this to protect himself from thinking you might feel the same way.
I also said something similar to my W when she said she wasn't happy. I told her the reason i drank was because i wasn't happy with our M either, when in all reality, i was just saying that to protect myself in some strange way.
I think in that way, men figure they don't have to shoulder as much of the blame for things during the rough times.
Maybe (and you already mentioned this) the biggest issue with the both of you is trust. The two of you can't trust each other enough to accept the fact that things CAN get better instead of things WON'T get better?
Keep fighting, you have what alot of us are only dreaming about right now, and that is you and your spouse are together. You can make this work and give all of us some hope for our future as well.
Good luck!
Re: What the...? - 06/25/13 08:33 PM
LTH, I do not think you should be pulling back AT ALL.
IMHO, you are doing exactly what you should be doing, and it is working. You can not rush a turtle. He has told you in no uncertain terms that he is not playing the field and certainly does not appear to be exiting the M at this point in time.
WHAT YOU ARE DOING IS WORKING. Keep doing it.
If you are going to change anything, think about what you could be doing to get your career onto its new path.
IMHO, you are doing exactly what you should be doing, and it is working. You can not rush a turtle. He has told you in no uncertain terms that he is not playing the field and certainly does not appear to be exiting the M at this point in time.
WHAT YOU ARE DOING IS WORKING. Keep doing it.
If you are going to change anything, think about what you could be doing to get your career onto its new path.
Re: What the...? - 06/25/13 08:57 PM
Just to clarify on what I am saying above, LTH.
Be OPEN to him wanting to work on the M. "LISTEN" for signs that he might want that and GET CLARIFICATION if you THINK that might be the case.
IF he says he wants to work on the M, then encourage that behaviour in positive ways. In that case, you will be in piecing, and that is when you will KEEP WORKING ON YOURSELF... and... HE will START WORKING on his own stuff.
Until then, he will only change if he's motivated to do so and it may or may not happen due to your changes.
Be OPEN to him wanting to work on the M. "LISTEN" for signs that he might want that and GET CLARIFICATION if you THINK that might be the case.
IF he says he wants to work on the M, then encourage that behaviour in positive ways. In that case, you will be in piecing, and that is when you will KEEP WORKING ON YOURSELF... and... HE will START WORKING on his own stuff.
Until then, he will only change if he's motivated to do so and it may or may not happen due to your changes.
Re: What the...? - 06/26/13 02:42 AM
Funny, I came on to cry and vent and suddenly all of your posts appeared even though I have checked several times in the past two days!!
Very rough day. Spoke to one of s's doctors today and found out they want to do some tests on him that have me very worried, even though the reality is they will most likely be completely normal. Part of it is the stress and part is the danger of the actual tests. Talked to H about it after phone call and then had to leave. Accidentally said I love you, he did not reply to that. While I can appreciate what we have been through, I felt really frustrated to have to remember not to say I love you to my H
Took kids to amusement park today (h working) then they slept at grandmas. H came home a little while ago and after 2 hrs to myself to reflect on everything I was stressed. (And for some reason didnt have the benefit of anyone's advice at that point!!). I was friendly and made him some dinner then came into bed and shut the door (he is downstairs working on computer). Feel like I can't deal with his indecisiveness right now. Feel like based on doctors input at last visit I have bed too hard on my son for his "lack of maturity" (as they put it), to rush him into his next surgery (#7) that has already been pushed from next April to October. I that doesn't directly impact M or what is going on today, however, I know it impacts my behavior and I feel overwhelmed by the fact that I have done him wrong in the last few weeks and it feels compounded by situation with h.
Just venting, sorry. Thanks for the great advice. I know it will make sense tomorrow.
Very rough day. Spoke to one of s's doctors today and found out they want to do some tests on him that have me very worried, even though the reality is they will most likely be completely normal. Part of it is the stress and part is the danger of the actual tests. Talked to H about it after phone call and then had to leave. Accidentally said I love you, he did not reply to that. While I can appreciate what we have been through, I felt really frustrated to have to remember not to say I love you to my H
Took kids to amusement park today (h working) then they slept at grandmas. H came home a little while ago and after 2 hrs to myself to reflect on everything I was stressed. (And for some reason didnt have the benefit of anyone's advice at that point!!). I was friendly and made him some dinner then came into bed and shut the door (he is downstairs working on computer). Feel like I can't deal with his indecisiveness right now. Feel like based on doctors input at last visit I have bed too hard on my son for his "lack of maturity" (as they put it), to rush him into his next surgery (#7) that has already been pushed from next April to October. I that doesn't directly impact M or what is going on today, however, I know it impacts my behavior and I feel overwhelmed by the fact that I have done him wrong in the last few weeks and it feels compounded by situation with h.
Just venting, sorry. Thanks for the great advice. I know it will make sense tomorrow.
Re: What the...? - 06/26/13 08:15 PM
Quote:
When I read they won't really get it until they lose you, I feel he didn't lose me after he was a WAH but he lost me before that when I was a WAW. So I am assuming walking away again is a bad idea
Don't know which post you may be referring to about the WAS losing. I often tell the LBS similar advice. However, I don't remember ever saying the WAS had to lose the LBS. I do believe the WAS has to lose "something" before they get their eyes open and the fog clears. In my stitch, it was not my LBH I lost.
Your stitch cannot always take blanket advice you may read on somebody else's thread. Both you and your H have experienced loss. This merry-go-round has continued until neither of you know exactly who is walking away and who is left behind.
In your stitch, I would not advise (at this time) to leave the home, hoping to snap him into wanting you back. I doubt seriously if it would work.
Re: What the...? - 06/26/13 08:19 PM
Quote:
Just to clarify on what I am saying above, LTH.
Be OPEN to him wanting to work on the M. "LISTEN" for signs that he might want that and GET CLARIFICATION if you THINK that might be the case.
IF he says he wants to work on the M, then encourage that behaviour in positive ways. In that case, you will be in piecing, and that is when you will KEEP WORKING ON YOURSELF... and... HE will START WORKING on his own stuff.
Until then, he will only change if he's motivated to do so and it may or may not happen due to your changes.
Be OPEN to him wanting to work on the M. "LISTEN" for signs that he might want that and GET CLARIFICATION if you THINK that might be the case.
IF he says he wants to work on the M, then encourage that behaviour in positive ways. In that case, you will be in piecing, and that is when you will KEEP WORKING ON YOURSELF... and... HE will START WORKING on his own stuff.
Until then, he will only change if he's motivated to do so and it may or may not happen due to your changes.
I agree.
Re: What the...? - 06/26/13 09:58 PM
Thanks KD and Sandi, I am taking your advice. I definitely wasn't leaving my home, just wasn't sure I wanted to continue on the same path because I feel we have done it before.
If I look at my situation realistically, I do see a little progress, I do see that he appears to think I am the one who needs to change, I do see why he is afraid to trust I am changing and that it will last. I have told him that I need to hear him verbally tell me at some point that he is willing to actively work on creating a new, better marriage. Until I hear it, I will keep doing what I am doing. If, at some point, I feel I have waited too long, I will worry about that then.
I really appreciate the advice
If I look at my situation realistically, I do see a little progress, I do see that he appears to think I am the one who needs to change, I do see why he is afraid to trust I am changing and that it will last. I have told him that I need to hear him verbally tell me at some point that he is willing to actively work on creating a new, better marriage. Until I hear it, I will keep doing what I am doing. If, at some point, I feel I have waited too long, I will worry about that then.
I really appreciate the advice
Re: What the...? - 07/02/13 12:45 AM
Feeling optimistic..we were away for 4 days (w/kids) for a conference around S's medical condition. It's a great time where we meet up w/other families dealing with the same thing and our S has friends who have the same issue.
Long drive, took extra time because of traffic and kids were bickering and annoying most of the 8 hr drive. H and I just kept calm and were joking around the whole time.
Throughout the weekend he reached out to me a LOT (PT is one of my primary LL's and he now knows this). Touching my leg, holding my hand, rubbing my back, etc.. It was great and I really enjoyed it.
We had a couple of disagreements but we after we were able to talk about it and move on. In the past he would hold on to things for a long time, sometimes days, so this was a huge improvement and definite work on his part.
Last night I told him how much I enjoyed the weekend and he said the same. Today I texted him:
"Feeling very happy. Thanks for the weekend, all of the little touches meant a lot to me. Next time WE go somewhere :)"
H: "You're welcome, sounds like a plan"
I don't know if I should have sent that because now I am worried that he is thinking he isn't that happy but he seemed it this weekend. At one point during the weekend there was a group of us hanging out at the pool and he was in the room and he texted me "I wish we were here alone and we were in the room together"
I feel like we are making progress and as long as I don't do anything really stupid we will get there one day.
Long drive, took extra time because of traffic and kids were bickering and annoying most of the 8 hr drive. H and I just kept calm and were joking around the whole time.
Throughout the weekend he reached out to me a LOT (PT is one of my primary LL's and he now knows this). Touching my leg, holding my hand, rubbing my back, etc.. It was great and I really enjoyed it.
We had a couple of disagreements but we after we were able to talk about it and move on. In the past he would hold on to things for a long time, sometimes days, so this was a huge improvement and definite work on his part.
Last night I told him how much I enjoyed the weekend and he said the same. Today I texted him:
"Feeling very happy. Thanks for the weekend, all of the little touches meant a lot to me. Next time WE go somewhere :)"
H: "You're welcome, sounds like a plan"
I don't know if I should have sent that because now I am worried that he is thinking he isn't that happy but he seemed it this weekend. At one point during the weekend there was a group of us hanging out at the pool and he was in the room and he texted me "I wish we were here alone and we were in the room together"
I feel like we are making progress and as long as I don't do anything really stupid we will get there one day.
Re: What the...? - 07/02/13 04:55 PM
LTH,
I am so very happy for you and your sitch. Just wanted to drop by and let you know i am pulling for you. You always seem to have time to stop by my thread and offer my encouragement and advice and i want to do the same for you.
I feel you and your H are making great strides, and if you follow advice and listen to what your heart is telling you, you will make this work.
Time and patience. Don't rush it!
Good luck.
I am so very happy for you and your sitch. Just wanted to drop by and let you know i am pulling for you. You always seem to have time to stop by my thread and offer my encouragement and advice and i want to do the same for you.
I feel you and your H are making great strides, and if you follow advice and listen to what your heart is telling you, you will make this work.
Time and patience. Don't rush it!
Good luck.
Re: What the...? - 07/02/13 05:51 PM
Thanks so much. I worry about going through this all again because it isn't my first time at this rodeo, however, it is the first time that I have made any real changes. It is also the first time I am giving 100% without waiting for him to do so.
Re: What the...? - 07/07/13 11:04 PM
Completely frustrated and tired of the same old, same old.
H and S were watching a movie earlier today and I was on this site replying to someone, I heard H coming down and I minimized the site for no reason other than the fact that we aren't supposed to broadcast to them that we are "DBing". He asked what I closed out of so I told him "that site I like to go on" He knew I meant this and he went back upstairs.
Later, I went out to float in the pool, after a while they came out to play baseball, everything seemed normal until I tried to talk to H. He was very abrupt and sounded like he was mad. It started to rain so I went inside.
It cleared up quick and he was outside in the chair with his head back. He seems to do this when he is upset about something or thinking about us. He came in the house and was still acting the same way. I should have just walked away but I asked him what was wrong and he said nothing. I left for about 10 minutes, came back in the room and said "Are you sure nothing is wrong, you seem upset?" (This was about 2-3 hours after he came downstairs when I was on the computer) He said something about not knowing what I was doing when I was on the computer and why I was closing out of stuff. I just said "I didn't know you didn't believe me. I wish you would have been honest right then and said you were having a hard time accepting that as the truth because I could have shown you what I was doing, the site was minimized not closed." I said now it is too late for me to show you that I was doing what I said. I asked him not to keep things quiet that are upsetting him because it is more of the same behavior and things can't change if we do the same thing. He looked at me and said angrily "Yes, it IS more of the same behavior" I told him that I understood why it made him uncomfortable and said "Is there any other behavior I have been showing that would make you question me?" He said "No, but you did in the past"
At this point I asked him to try to stay focused on my current behavior and to let me know what he needs when things come up. Then he started getting mad and telling me how he works 14 hours a day and I get mad when his car isn't where he says he will be. I said "I am not sure why you are bringing up something from a month or two ago and if you have anger about how much you are working when I'm not, let's discuss it" (I didn't bother to mention that he chose to go back into management which will require these hours regardless of how much I am working).
He stormed off refusing to talk about it. I was getting dressed to leave and he came in and grabbed his hat so I said "Are you two going somewhere?" and he said no. So I went to leave the house and he was nowhere in sight. I called and asked where he was and he said he went for a bike ride. When I said I just asked if you were leaving, I need to go to the store and S doesn't want to go, he said "NO, you asked if we were both leaving". I said "Enjoy your bike ride honey". I was actually going to exchange his clothes that didn't fit..he can do it himself.
I honestly don't even feel like trying anymore when every little thing sends us back to the starting line. We haven't talked in 3 hours.
H and S were watching a movie earlier today and I was on this site replying to someone, I heard H coming down and I minimized the site for no reason other than the fact that we aren't supposed to broadcast to them that we are "DBing". He asked what I closed out of so I told him "that site I like to go on" He knew I meant this and he went back upstairs.
Later, I went out to float in the pool, after a while they came out to play baseball, everything seemed normal until I tried to talk to H. He was very abrupt and sounded like he was mad. It started to rain so I went inside.
It cleared up quick and he was outside in the chair with his head back. He seems to do this when he is upset about something or thinking about us. He came in the house and was still acting the same way. I should have just walked away but I asked him what was wrong and he said nothing. I left for about 10 minutes, came back in the room and said "Are you sure nothing is wrong, you seem upset?" (This was about 2-3 hours after he came downstairs when I was on the computer) He said something about not knowing what I was doing when I was on the computer and why I was closing out of stuff. I just said "I didn't know you didn't believe me. I wish you would have been honest right then and said you were having a hard time accepting that as the truth because I could have shown you what I was doing, the site was minimized not closed." I said now it is too late for me to show you that I was doing what I said. I asked him not to keep things quiet that are upsetting him because it is more of the same behavior and things can't change if we do the same thing. He looked at me and said angrily "Yes, it IS more of the same behavior" I told him that I understood why it made him uncomfortable and said "Is there any other behavior I have been showing that would make you question me?" He said "No, but you did in the past"
At this point I asked him to try to stay focused on my current behavior and to let me know what he needs when things come up. Then he started getting mad and telling me how he works 14 hours a day and I get mad when his car isn't where he says he will be. I said "I am not sure why you are bringing up something from a month or two ago and if you have anger about how much you are working when I'm not, let's discuss it" (I didn't bother to mention that he chose to go back into management which will require these hours regardless of how much I am working).
He stormed off refusing to talk about it. I was getting dressed to leave and he came in and grabbed his hat so I said "Are you two going somewhere?" and he said no. So I went to leave the house and he was nowhere in sight. I called and asked where he was and he said he went for a bike ride. When I said I just asked if you were leaving, I need to go to the store and S doesn't want to go, he said "NO, you asked if we were both leaving". I said "Enjoy your bike ride honey". I was actually going to exchange his clothes that didn't fit..he can do it himself.
I honestly don't even feel like trying anymore when every little thing sends us back to the starting line. We haven't talked in 3 hours.
Re: What the...? - 07/08/13 02:32 PM
H didn't talk to me the rest of the night, didn't hold my hand when we were tv in bed (he has been every night) and stayed as far on his side of the bed as he could. The whole thing strikes me as very immature and I am grateful I have learned enough in the last few months to let it go.
I couldn't really sleep last night (normal, not because of this) and I thought a lot about our M. This Sept will be 10 years of M and I realize it has been this way for most it. I am exhausted from the constant struggle, the good times don't last and H has no idea how his actions affect our M.
This morning I just acted as if, talked normally, PMA. We were originally going to 6 Flags today with S and then leaving him at my mom's overnight and going to dinner and a movie. H decided yesterday he was going to work today because of the weather and he would take tomorrow off. I was in the shower and he came in and asked if I wanted to make reservations for dinner tomorrow night. I am glad he appears to have let this go and not give me the silent treatment, however, brushing it under the rug is not going to work because clearly there are issues.
I have not brought up anything since our conversation, do I bring this up? I am always aware of not doing things to make him run away again and not sure how this will go. However, ignoring it seems more dangerous.
My take on our M is this:
H has said a few times he understands why I had an A. This is lip service to me because his refusal to forgive, to move on, his anger and the fact that he still brings it up (4 years later) show he doesn't.
H blames me for all that is wrong in our M. I don't think this is in my mind. When we talked in May, I made it all about him. I validated his feelings and listened to what he had to say. It wasn't a game, I felt I had never truly understood him and wanted him to know I did. However, even when he spoke, he only focused on what I did. In the 6-8 weeks following, he still has not made any effort to discuss his part in any of this.
H has had several inappropriate friendships (EAs? maybe). We have never discussed them except in arguments and he says it is completely different. I told him a month ago that I wouldn't tell him to end his latest friendship (he says he only texts her every few months to see how she is doing and they haven't had coffee in at least 6 months" but that I had a big problem with it and if/when he realized I was more important I would like to know he ended it.
I said that, at some point, I needed to know he was willing to actively work on our M and to create a new one. His action appear to show he is working on it (or most of them) but he has not verbalized his willingness to commit to it. Lack of commitment from H is a HUGE issue in our M.
His comment yesterday about how much he is working show me that he is still harboring anger & resentment towards me but not showing it every day. I feel like the last 2 months are just another lie in our M.
I couldn't really sleep last night (normal, not because of this) and I thought a lot about our M. This Sept will be 10 years of M and I realize it has been this way for most it. I am exhausted from the constant struggle, the good times don't last and H has no idea how his actions affect our M.
This morning I just acted as if, talked normally, PMA. We were originally going to 6 Flags today with S and then leaving him at my mom's overnight and going to dinner and a movie. H decided yesterday he was going to work today because of the weather and he would take tomorrow off. I was in the shower and he came in and asked if I wanted to make reservations for dinner tomorrow night. I am glad he appears to have let this go and not give me the silent treatment, however, brushing it under the rug is not going to work because clearly there are issues.
I have not brought up anything since our conversation, do I bring this up? I am always aware of not doing things to make him run away again and not sure how this will go. However, ignoring it seems more dangerous.
My take on our M is this:
H has said a few times he understands why I had an A. This is lip service to me because his refusal to forgive, to move on, his anger and the fact that he still brings it up (4 years later) show he doesn't.
H blames me for all that is wrong in our M. I don't think this is in my mind. When we talked in May, I made it all about him. I validated his feelings and listened to what he had to say. It wasn't a game, I felt I had never truly understood him and wanted him to know I did. However, even when he spoke, he only focused on what I did. In the 6-8 weeks following, he still has not made any effort to discuss his part in any of this.
H has had several inappropriate friendships (EAs? maybe). We have never discussed them except in arguments and he says it is completely different. I told him a month ago that I wouldn't tell him to end his latest friendship (he says he only texts her every few months to see how she is doing and they haven't had coffee in at least 6 months" but that I had a big problem with it and if/when he realized I was more important I would like to know he ended it.
I said that, at some point, I needed to know he was willing to actively work on our M and to create a new one. His action appear to show he is working on it (or most of them) but he has not verbalized his willingness to commit to it. Lack of commitment from H is a HUGE issue in our M.
His comment yesterday about how much he is working show me that he is still harboring anger & resentment towards me but not showing it every day. I feel like the last 2 months are just another lie in our M.
Re: What the...? - 07/08/13 03:01 PM
LTH, thoughts and prayers are with you.....
I'm not nearly to the place where you are yet (piecing maybe?) so can't really offer insight from any personal experience.
FWIW and from the little I have read here, it seems like this reaction may be part of the effort of moving forward - that there are ebbs and flows in the reconnection phases....
Just wanted to you to know you have support here. Stay strong!!
I'm not nearly to the place where you are yet (piecing maybe?) so can't really offer insight from any personal experience.
FWIW and from the little I have read here, it seems like this reaction may be part of the effort of moving forward - that there are ebbs and flows in the reconnection phases....
Just wanted to you to know you have support here. Stay strong!!
Re: What the...? - 07/08/13 03:18 PM
LTH, thoughts and prayers are with you.....
I'm not nearly to the place where you are yet (piecing maybe?) so can't really offer insight from any personal experience.
FWIW and from the little I have read here, it seems like this reaction may be part of the effort of moving forward - that there are ebbs and flows in the reconnection phases....
Just wanted to you to know you have support here. Stay strong!!
I'm not nearly to the place where you are yet (piecing maybe?) so can't really offer insight from any personal experience.
FWIW and from the little I have read here, it seems like this reaction may be part of the effort of moving forward - that there are ebbs and flows in the reconnection phases....
Just wanted to you to know you have support here. Stay strong!!
Re: What the...? - 07/09/13 02:17 AM
Thanks Semper Fi, I appreciate it. H called me several times today but things still feel off.
I also find it annoying that for the last few weeks he comes home at S's bedtime after being gone all day and doesn't want to put him to bed. As an adult, I understand why, however, S doesn't and he needs to do it for him whether he is in the mood or not. I don't say this but I think it.
KD, any thoughts on my last few posts?
I also find it annoying that for the last few weeks he comes home at S's bedtime after being gone all day and doesn't want to put him to bed. As an adult, I understand why, however, S doesn't and he needs to do it for him whether he is in the mood or not. I don't say this but I think it.
KD, any thoughts on my last few posts?
Re: What the...? - 07/09/13 05:56 AM
Hi LTH,
Just reading your last few days.
I think with us having such great tools as actually DBing and getting answers to questions on here we have a much better chance at becoming a good spouse.
Our spouses however don't have these tools and they are just "trying again".
Apologies for not knowing but are you two seeing a MC?
Just reading your last few days.
I think with us having such great tools as actually DBing and getting answers to questions on here we have a much better chance at becoming a good spouse.
Our spouses however don't have these tools and they are just "trying again".
Apologies for not knowing but are you two seeing a MC?
Re: What the...? - 07/10/13 03:44 AM
so lth, in a recent post, you indicated that your 10yr anniversary is coming up and you M has been "mostly" as it has been recently.
This I believe is the most important hurdle the two of you face. Now and in the past, and into the future if it is not dealt with.
And as you dealt with it in a destructive way last time, here's the million dollar question...
How can you change your behaviour in how you react to how he behaves when he is "mr. potty pants"? Because your past behaviours (reactions) and his, are why the two of you ended up where you were. Now is your chance to do something different.
This I believe is the most important hurdle the two of you face. Now and in the past, and into the future if it is not dealt with.
And as you dealt with it in a destructive way last time, here's the million dollar question...
How can you change your behaviour in how you react to how he behaves when he is "mr. potty pants"? Because your past behaviours (reactions) and his, are why the two of you ended up where you were. Now is your chance to do something different.
Re: What the...? - 07/11/13 01:15 AM
Thanks KD, thought about this all day. I think the biggest difference is my reactions. Will it be enough? I don't know but I will keep working on it.
The conversation I posted the other day when he first said he was upset was a lot different than it would have been 4 months ago. Back then, I would have been defensive, I would have said things like "Are you kidding me?" "this is never going to end is it?" "I'm tired of your accusations" etc.
For me to remain calm, apologize without justifying and calmly ask if I was doing anything else that made him question me is completely different than the past. Remaining quiet the rest of the night and "letting him be" is also different - in the past I would have made snide comments to him or bugged him about letting it go, etc.
I also took Monday to think about my feelings and while posting to someone on here gave myself perspective on how H felt.
Tuesday morning I asked him to have coffee together and we sat outside and talked. He was a little aggravated at times, kept focusing in on the one act of me minimizing the screen but I remained very calm. I asked him to please address issues right away in the future and when he kept bringing it up I calmly said "I understand why you are upset and why you doubt me, however, I have apologized for bringing up feelings from the past and for making a poor choice, there is nothing else I can do right now to change how you feel except learn from my mistake and not do it again. I didn't minimize the site today when you came down and that was because I learned from yesterday"
He told me he can see the changes in me but is afraid they won't last (wow, how many times have I read that in other threads??!!) so I told him I understood why he felt that way and only time would tell.
It was calm and there were tears from me but it was a good conversation. I brought up a couple of issues that were bugging me that, in the past, I would have argued about and felt that we discussed them well.
I said that I wanted to be able to talk about upsetting things without having to worry that it would affect us for days like in the past and that I didn't want him holding things in, he agreed he felt the same way.
I also said that I wanted him to understand that as scared as he was that I would be with OM again was probably as scared as I was that he would leave again. I said I have felt for years that we keep waiting for the other to fully commit before fully committing ourselves and that this time I had decided I was going to be 100% in regardless of what he did. I explained that didn't mean I didn't have any fear around it but that I was choosing to let it go as best I could and give it my all.
The best part about all of this is that, until DB, this would have been an argument, not a conversation. When H tried to turn it into an argument, I was able to remain calm and keep focused without fighting. Also, when we walked back into the house after talking, I looked at him, smiled and said "Good Morning Honey" and then gave him a kiss like I have every morning for the last month or so. We had a great day and it didn't ruin anything.
Is the change in communication enough or do I need to work on more? (Besides the major way I have changed with my kids??!!)
The conversation I posted the other day when he first said he was upset was a lot different than it would have been 4 months ago. Back then, I would have been defensive, I would have said things like "Are you kidding me?" "this is never going to end is it?" "I'm tired of your accusations" etc.
For me to remain calm, apologize without justifying and calmly ask if I was doing anything else that made him question me is completely different than the past. Remaining quiet the rest of the night and "letting him be" is also different - in the past I would have made snide comments to him or bugged him about letting it go, etc.
I also took Monday to think about my feelings and while posting to someone on here gave myself perspective on how H felt.
Tuesday morning I asked him to have coffee together and we sat outside and talked. He was a little aggravated at times, kept focusing in on the one act of me minimizing the screen but I remained very calm. I asked him to please address issues right away in the future and when he kept bringing it up I calmly said "I understand why you are upset and why you doubt me, however, I have apologized for bringing up feelings from the past and for making a poor choice, there is nothing else I can do right now to change how you feel except learn from my mistake and not do it again. I didn't minimize the site today when you came down and that was because I learned from yesterday"
He told me he can see the changes in me but is afraid they won't last (wow, how many times have I read that in other threads??!!) so I told him I understood why he felt that way and only time would tell.
It was calm and there were tears from me but it was a good conversation. I brought up a couple of issues that were bugging me that, in the past, I would have argued about and felt that we discussed them well.
I said that I wanted to be able to talk about upsetting things without having to worry that it would affect us for days like in the past and that I didn't want him holding things in, he agreed he felt the same way.
I also said that I wanted him to understand that as scared as he was that I would be with OM again was probably as scared as I was that he would leave again. I said I have felt for years that we keep waiting for the other to fully commit before fully committing ourselves and that this time I had decided I was going to be 100% in regardless of what he did. I explained that didn't mean I didn't have any fear around it but that I was choosing to let it go as best I could and give it my all.
The best part about all of this is that, until DB, this would have been an argument, not a conversation. When H tried to turn it into an argument, I was able to remain calm and keep focused without fighting. Also, when we walked back into the house after talking, I looked at him, smiled and said "Good Morning Honey" and then gave him a kiss like I have every morning for the last month or so. We had a great day and it didn't ruin anything.
Is the change in communication enough or do I need to work on more? (Besides the major way I have changed with my kids??!!)
Re: What the...? - 07/11/13 05:05 PM
ok, so you've compared how you would react TODAY with how you would have reacted 4 months ago, which is good. It shows positive growth for you.
Now consider that how you were (yourself AND as a couple)... 3 years ago and five years ago are the basis that got you to your troubled M. How are you NOW compared to how you were 3 or 5 or 9.93 years ago?
Behaving in those same way will net you the same results. Changing yourself in positive ways (while keeping the positive aspects that YOU LIKED and WERE WORKING) might be what makes the difference moving forward.
Hope that makes sense. Anything you can think of?
Now consider that how you were (yourself AND as a couple)... 3 years ago and five years ago are the basis that got you to your troubled M. How are you NOW compared to how you were 3 or 5 or 9.93 years ago?
Behaving in those same way will net you the same results. Changing yourself in positive ways (while keeping the positive aspects that YOU LIKED and WERE WORKING) might be what makes the difference moving forward.
Hope that makes sense. Anything you can think of?
Re: What the...? - 07/12/13 07:37 PM
KD,
I have given this a lot of thought, here is what is different:
I am developing deeper friendships with people whose lives do not revolve around drinking. Working at the bar, most of my friends were people who hang out at bars most weekends. I don't really see them anymore, partly because they all hang out where I used to work and I can't go there but also because other than working there, I really only like to go to bars occasionally. H thinks I want to go every weekend, I know he likes my new friendships!
I have started working out again which, along with eating better, helps me to feel more focused and I am able to accomplish things again. Before I would be busy every second of the day and have no idea what I did all day when I felt into bed, exhausted, at midnight. It also leaves me happier, I interact better and have more patience with our children.
I include H in decision making more often. A lot of times it really isn't necessary but since he isn't around as much it makes him feel more involved with the kids and what goes on with them.
I keep my mouth shut when H is doing something that isn't the way I would do it. Cuz my way is right, right??!! It's always little things but I realized I would frequently say things like "that's not the pan I use for bacon", "why are we going this way?" etc.. I never thought about it how it made him feel and that I was constantly suggesting he was doing something wrong.
I don't bring up every little thing that bugs me, or even every. Usually, after a day or two of contemplating whatever it is, it doesn't even matter anymore.
I am speaking his LL's on a daily basis.
I am getting better at saying no so I don't take on too many things.
The things I did before that I still do:
Buy little things at the store to show H I was thinking of him
My own "meals on wheels program" for the older, widowed people on our street
Taking the kids fun places and arranging to have friends over to keep them busy and not just playing video games
Having certain shows that H and I watch together, even if we have to wait a few days. They are little at home "dates"
Take good care of myself, the kids, h and our home
I have given this a lot of thought, here is what is different:
I am developing deeper friendships with people whose lives do not revolve around drinking. Working at the bar, most of my friends were people who hang out at bars most weekends. I don't really see them anymore, partly because they all hang out where I used to work and I can't go there but also because other than working there, I really only like to go to bars occasionally. H thinks I want to go every weekend, I know he likes my new friendships!
I have started working out again which, along with eating better, helps me to feel more focused and I am able to accomplish things again. Before I would be busy every second of the day and have no idea what I did all day when I felt into bed, exhausted, at midnight. It also leaves me happier, I interact better and have more patience with our children.
I include H in decision making more often. A lot of times it really isn't necessary but since he isn't around as much it makes him feel more involved with the kids and what goes on with them.
I keep my mouth shut when H is doing something that isn't the way I would do it. Cuz my way is right, right??!! It's always little things but I realized I would frequently say things like "that's not the pan I use for bacon", "why are we going this way?" etc.. I never thought about it how it made him feel and that I was constantly suggesting he was doing something wrong.
I don't bring up every little thing that bugs me, or even every. Usually, after a day or two of contemplating whatever it is, it doesn't even matter anymore.
I am speaking his LL's on a daily basis.
I am getting better at saying no so I don't take on too many things.
The things I did before that I still do:
Buy little things at the store to show H I was thinking of him
My own "meals on wheels program" for the older, widowed people on our street
Taking the kids fun places and arranging to have friends over to keep them busy and not just playing video games
Having certain shows that H and I watch together, even if we have to wait a few days. They are little at home "dates"
Take good care of myself, the kids, h and our home
Re: What the...? - 07/26/13 12:53 AM
I think H and I have been doing okay. We had a few rocky days last week - I laid out some concerns I had about going back to school, I told him I didn't know if it was just fear or if they were as valid as they felt. I also said I didn't want to talk about it that night, I just wanted to share it with him and they we could each process it and talk about it in a day or two. He kept talking about it until I felt myself getting emotional, after the 4th request to discuss it a different day (all calm) he was mad. Then I was mad that he was mad because I always feel I can't share my feelings with him honestly.
The next night I asked if we could discuss the night before and he said yes and when I explained why I felt unheard and frustrated he became mad again and we had another argument.
Somehow we worked through it and had a good week, including a very stressful trip for S's medical issues, things have been good since.
Last night he asked me to read a text he received. It was from one of the coffee girls (they were good friends in their early 20's) telling him her aunt died and that the wake was today, where , when, etc. He said, "If I can leave work for an hour or two do you mind if I go?". When we talked a couple of weeks ago he told me they hadn't talked in at least two years. I said "I appreciate you sharing this with me and I do not mind if you go, I am grateful you didn't go behind my back. I do, however, find it odd that a girl you haven't spoken to in 2 years is texting you to tell you when her aunts wake is. I said if my aunt died, I wouldn't be texting people I hadn't spoken to in years regardless of how good our friendship was TWENTY SOMETHING years ago"
He said "clearly you have a problem with me going". I told him again "I don't, I am glad you shared, I am just pointing out that it seems weird to me and makes me uncomfortable like it did when she was all over your fb page posting misses and kisses every day, however, her motives are not your motives"
He texted me this afternoon and said "FYI, I decided not to go to the wake"
I don't know, maybe we are in piecing? He hasn't SAID "I want to work it out and I am committed to our future", but his actions have changed. He is letting things go faster, we are usually able to talk about things after a day or two or even right away (that never used to happen)and he is doing little things for me. Etc...
I feel better about our M than I have in years..
The next night I asked if we could discuss the night before and he said yes and when I explained why I felt unheard and frustrated he became mad again and we had another argument.
Somehow we worked through it and had a good week, including a very stressful trip for S's medical issues, things have been good since.
Last night he asked me to read a text he received. It was from one of the coffee girls (they were good friends in their early 20's) telling him her aunt died and that the wake was today, where , when, etc. He said, "If I can leave work for an hour or two do you mind if I go?". When we talked a couple of weeks ago he told me they hadn't talked in at least two years. I said "I appreciate you sharing this with me and I do not mind if you go, I am grateful you didn't go behind my back. I do, however, find it odd that a girl you haven't spoken to in 2 years is texting you to tell you when her aunts wake is. I said if my aunt died, I wouldn't be texting people I hadn't spoken to in years regardless of how good our friendship was TWENTY SOMETHING years ago"
He said "clearly you have a problem with me going". I told him again "I don't, I am glad you shared, I am just pointing out that it seems weird to me and makes me uncomfortable like it did when she was all over your fb page posting misses and kisses every day, however, her motives are not your motives"
He texted me this afternoon and said "FYI, I decided not to go to the wake"
I don't know, maybe we are in piecing? He hasn't SAID "I want to work it out and I am committed to our future", but his actions have changed. He is letting things go faster, we are usually able to talk about things after a day or two or even right away (that never used to happen)and he is doing little things for me. Etc...
I feel better about our M than I have in years..
Re: What the...? - 07/26/13 11:34 AM
I'm glad your H decided on his own not to go to the wake. Didn't make sense (IMO) and you handled it well.
Happy for your progress and that you're feeling better about your marriage, that is wonderful!
Happy for your progress and that you're feeling better about your marriage, that is wonderful!
Re: What the...? - 08/01/13 07:39 PM
Me too, Mimi!
We have been getting along really well and when issues pop up, as they will, we are handling them a lot better than we did in the past.
H said the other day he would like to go back to MC when we get our new health insurance (we have to pay full price for it right now, will only have a copay then ). Ugh. Honestly, I don't even want to go. I have tried researching SBT's around here and the ones that come up don't really seem to focus on MC. We have already been to 4 regular MC's, I only liked one of them and we spent 6-8 months with her. I guess the plus side is that now I feel I can handle talking about whatever he has left inside that he needs to get out and not revert to blaming him. That alone could be huge in our M.
I brought up Retrovaille but more for something to think about for the future. There was one nearby this weekend or next but we can't really commit to the followup at this point because of H's job and S's medical trips.
We can't even find one night to get out, let alone one day every weekend for two months with 4 hours of driving!
We have been getting along really well and when issues pop up, as they will, we are handling them a lot better than we did in the past.
H said the other day he would like to go back to MC when we get our new health insurance (we have to pay full price for it right now, will only have a copay then ). Ugh. Honestly, I don't even want to go. I have tried researching SBT's around here and the ones that come up don't really seem to focus on MC. We have already been to 4 regular MC's, I only liked one of them and we spent 6-8 months with her. I guess the plus side is that now I feel I can handle talking about whatever he has left inside that he needs to get out and not revert to blaming him. That alone could be huge in our M.
I brought up Retrovaille but more for something to think about for the future. There was one nearby this weekend or next but we can't really commit to the followup at this point because of H's job and S's medical trips.
We can't even find one night to get out, let alone one day every weekend for two months with 4 hours of driving!
Re: What the...? - 08/01/13 08:44 PM
That's wonderful to hear things are going well for you two!
I don't know if allowed to say the names of other websites here, so I won't right now (I wish there was a way to share things privately on here...)
but when I first start DBing I also did online marriage counseling (alone since H is "done" and not in the living in the same area)
I found it really helpful learning skills for communication, emotional regulation, decision making etc... it was only around $20 a month and you have coach you can talk to to discuss what you're learning. I learned more on how to handle my self better in my marriage on there then I did in 5 real counseling session that just dug up the past. Maybe that's something you two could consider... I wish my H had been around to do it with me
I don't know if allowed to say the names of other websites here, so I won't right now (I wish there was a way to share things privately on here...)
but when I first start DBing I also did online marriage counseling (alone since H is "done" and not in the living in the same area)
I found it really helpful learning skills for communication, emotional regulation, decision making etc... it was only around $20 a month and you have coach you can talk to to discuss what you're learning. I learned more on how to handle my self better in my marriage on there then I did in 5 real counseling session that just dug up the past. Maybe that's something you two could consider... I wish my H had been around to do it with me
Re: What the...? - 08/01/13 09:03 PM
LTH,
I am wishing you the best. Keep fighting the good fight and don't give up. I hope you and your H find the happiness that has been missing. I am pulling for you two.
I am wishing you the best. Keep fighting the good fight and don't give up. I hope you and your H find the happiness that has been missing. I am pulling for you two.
Re: What the...? - 08/01/13 09:46 PM
Mimi..any way to point me in a google direction on that site??
Should i, thanks so much. Have to catch up on your thread tonight. I don't know how I will ever get on here when school starts!
Should i, thanks so much. Have to catch up on your thread tonight. I don't know how I will ever get on here when school starts!
Re: What the...? - 08/02/13 03:25 PM
I was reading your old thread. You were given great advice from the start here, I wish someone had come in to my first thread and told me not to LRT right away *shakes fist in the air*
It's po2(.)com or power of two marriage
If you check it out let me know how it goes!
All the best to you with school, I probably need to find something extra to do to keep me busy and learning something new/being a life long learner is always great!
Originally Posted By: lovethehub
Mimi..any way to point me in a google direction on that site??
It's po2(.)com or power of two marriage
If you check it out let me know how it goes!
All the best to you with school, I probably need to find something extra to do to keep me busy and learning something new/being a life long learner is always great!
Re: What the...? - 08/03/13 03:31 PM
Mimi30,
I actually did LRT from the start. I emailed MWD and told her I could not afford counseling, gave her my story and said "Can you please tell me if I should LRT or not because I am very confused"
Someone (MWD?) emailed back almost immediately (very impressive) and told me that because my H had told me he wanted a D and was completely removed from me, I should absolutely LRT. Hope that helps you.
I am sure it is harder for you to LRT or DB in any way with your H out of town for work. I will have to read your story. Going away early tomorrow-Thursday but I will read it as soon as I can.
Good luck to you! I will check out that site, too. Thanks!
I actually did LRT from the start. I emailed MWD and told her I could not afford counseling, gave her my story and said "Can you please tell me if I should LRT or not because I am very confused"
Someone (MWD?) emailed back almost immediately (very impressive) and told me that because my H had told me he wanted a D and was completely removed from me, I should absolutely LRT. Hope that helps you.
I am sure it is harder for you to LRT or DB in any way with your H out of town for work. I will have to read your story. Going away early tomorrow-Thursday but I will read it as soon as I can.
Good luck to you! I will check out that site, too. Thanks!
Re: What the...? - 08/11/13 03:51 PM
I was away all last week with D, and I received numerous texts from H telling me how much he missed me, couldn't wait for me to come home and multiple I love you's. He also said he wanted to go to MC so I guess I am actually in piecing now!
I am so happy with the way things are and I have never felt so strongly about making choices that are healthy for our R. Not that I always did bad things, esp before my A, but I never really thought about whether or not each choice was good for our M or not.
I am choosing to give up alcohol as of today. I don't believe I drink too much, rarely have more than a couple at a time, but I can just tell it bugs H. He comes from a family of alcoholics, it never bothered him before but it does since my A. I agree I drink more frequently since then but have never felt it was an issue for me. Anyway, I could tell he was aggravated last night because I had a few drinks with friends and he thinks I do it too often. I just decided that I am too happy when we are happy to let something unimportant cause stress in our M and I told him that. He said I needed to quit for me, not him, but I told him it is for me because I am doing it for us, it will improve our M even more and that will make me even happier! I feel really good today
I am so happy with the way things are and I have never felt so strongly about making choices that are healthy for our R. Not that I always did bad things, esp before my A, but I never really thought about whether or not each choice was good for our M or not.
I am choosing to give up alcohol as of today. I don't believe I drink too much, rarely have more than a couple at a time, but I can just tell it bugs H. He comes from a family of alcoholics, it never bothered him before but it does since my A. I agree I drink more frequently since then but have never felt it was an issue for me. Anyway, I could tell he was aggravated last night because I had a few drinks with friends and he thinks I do it too often. I just decided that I am too happy when we are happy to let something unimportant cause stress in our M and I told him that. He said I needed to quit for me, not him, but I told him it is for me because I am doing it for us, it will improve our M even more and that will make me even happier! I feel really good today
Re: What the...? - 08/11/13 04:06 PM
Wow, lth, that sounds great. I couldn't agree more that we so often make/made decisions without taking the consequences into account. That makes me think of the traditional vows: holy matirmony... – is not by any – to be entered into unadvisedly or lightly – but reverently, discreetly, advisedly and solemnly.
So many of us listen to that and then never give it another thought.
So many of us listen to that and then never give it another thought.
Re: What the...? - 08/12/13 12:44 AM
LTH,
This is great news!
...makes me smile!
F
This is great news!
...makes me smile!
F
Re: What the...? - 08/12/13 11:54 AM
That is a very encouraging story and proves that there is hope for all of us in similar circumstances. Keep up the positive changes and keep us posted on how it progresses. Best of luck.
Re: What the...? - 08/12/13 02:15 PM
Im so happy things are headed in a positive direction for you two.
I can totally relate to what you said about not taking the marriage into account when making desicions in the past. I am definitely guilty of that.
Hope you have a great week!
I can totally relate to what you said about not taking the marriage into account when making desicions in the past. I am definitely guilty of that.
Hope you have a great week!
Re: What the...? - 08/12/13 02:59 PM
Congrats on the piecing!
Glad to here some positive situations going on here. With all your hard earned changes your marriage will be stronger than ever.
Another great side effect of not drinking is a healthier you. Bonus!!
Glad to here some positive situations going on here. With all your hard earned changes your marriage will be stronger than ever.
Another great side effect of not drinking is a healthier you. Bonus!!
Re: What the...? - 08/12/13 04:57 PM
Congrats LRT... very happy to hear another success story!
magic !!
magic !!
Re: What the...? - 08/15/13 12:53 AM
Well, I took my nursing school entrance exam tonight and feel that I have a very slim chance of passing and getting a seat in the program. I studied a lot, bought a book by the company that makes the test and still didn't have a clue what they were talking about for 2/3 of the science questions. Ugh. Aren't they supposed to teach me all of this stuff AFTER I get in????
I will know by Friday but I am fairly certain I failed so now I feel like I am back to square one on what to do with my life. Maybe the universe is telling me to write the book I want to write.
We shall see...H was very supportive when I called him after the test, so that was a plus. Haven't seem him yet but he will be home from work soon.
I will know by Friday but I am fairly certain I failed so now I feel like I am back to square one on what to do with my life. Maybe the universe is telling me to write the book I want to write.
We shall see...H was very supportive when I called him after the test, so that was a plus. Haven't seem him yet but he will be home from work soon.
Re: What the...? - 08/15/13 09:37 PM
Feeling very positive about everything (except school, still haven't heard if I passed or not!) and I want to thank everyone who helped me get to this point. Especially KD, if you are still around. Without your advice, and the things you gave me to think about it, I would not be in the place and working on restoring my M. Bug and Sandi2, you also gave me great advice and things to think about. I appreciate all of you, and everyone else who has offered encouragement and words of advice on this journey.
I realized I have been so busy and with limited time on here I go to the same threads and comment more than I read. I need to start searching out more threads to read that will really force me to think again. I know I have more growing to do and I have taken my focus off of that. I love sharing the WAW pov with those who need it/don't understand it but I think I offer more advice than I am qualified to do.
You are all so caring and giving, especially the vets, and when I grow up I want to be just like you!
I realized I have been so busy and with limited time on here I go to the same threads and comment more than I read. I need to start searching out more threads to read that will really force me to think again. I know I have more growing to do and I have taken my focus off of that. I love sharing the WAW pov with those who need it/don't understand it but I think I offer more advice than I am qualified to do.
You are all so caring and giving, especially the vets, and when I grow up I want to be just like you!
Re: What the...? - 08/15/13 09:41 PM
LTH,
I will keep my fingers crossed and say a prayer for you, your M and your exam.
I am truly grateful that you have taken the time to advice me and I would love to repay this is some way - for now all I can do is the above!
All the best!
F
I will keep my fingers crossed and say a prayer for you, your M and your exam.
I am truly grateful that you have taken the time to advice me and I would love to repay this is some way - for now all I can do is the above!
All the best!
F
Re: What the...? - 08/17/13 12:59 AM
Thanks F, still no word although results were supposed to be posted within 24 hours
Re: What the...? - 08/17/13 01:34 AM
Good luck with your results lovethehub. Most schools/uni's post the results later than they say they will.
Re: What the...? - 08/21/13 02:31 AM
That's for sure...I finally found out today that I passed. Now I have to secure one of the last 2 seats and get financial aid lined up. H brought me flowers for congratulations
Re: What the...? - 08/21/13 02:38 AM
Good luck!
Re: What the...? - 08/21/13 03:42 AM
Yay! That's wonderful, congrats on passing
Re: What the...? - 08/21/13 11:17 AM
Originally Posted By: LTH
Well, I took my nursing school entrance exam tonight and feel that I have a very slim chance of passing and getting a seat in the program.
Great news and major congrats from Europe – Well done!! Now go get that seat!
Re: What the...? - 08/21/13 01:26 PM
Well done LTH!!
Re: What the...? - 08/21/13 03:35 PM
You'll be kicking yourself in about 6 months, but congrats again, I had forgotten what you were hoping to study.
Why did you choose nursing?
Why did you choose nursing?
Re: What the...? - 08/21/13 08:08 PM
Bug,
Yes, I am sure I will be kicking myself. Wondering what I have committed myself to!
Why nursing?
When I realized H and I were truly done last winter/spring, I knew I needed a career I could support myself and 2 children on. I started thinking about what I would do with my future and what fields actually had jobs that paid money, that I was interested in. I have a S with a birth defect that requires constant medical appointments, multiple surgeries, etc. and I know that when I am taking care of him, in the hospital, helping other families in this situation, etc. that I feel most alive. I love being there to help others and, oddly enough, feel really comfortable in the hospital. I have spent many nights on a hospital couch listening to nurses and watching them work and thinking "I wish I had done that when I was younger". Well, I have at least 20 years left to work and I finally realized it didn't matter if I had done it when I was younger, i could do it now! I am also very interested in alternative medicine, reiki, energy healing, homeopathic medicine, etc. Two of our major hospitals have energy healers on staff but they require you be an RN first. So I am starting on my journey to a future that will be about helping others, not just making money and that makes me happy. For years I have felt like I wanted to make a difference in more than just my children's life and wasn't sure how.
Yes, I am sure I will be kicking myself. Wondering what I have committed myself to!
Why nursing?
When I realized H and I were truly done last winter/spring, I knew I needed a career I could support myself and 2 children on. I started thinking about what I would do with my future and what fields actually had jobs that paid money, that I was interested in. I have a S with a birth defect that requires constant medical appointments, multiple surgeries, etc. and I know that when I am taking care of him, in the hospital, helping other families in this situation, etc. that I feel most alive. I love being there to help others and, oddly enough, feel really comfortable in the hospital. I have spent many nights on a hospital couch listening to nurses and watching them work and thinking "I wish I had done that when I was younger". Well, I have at least 20 years left to work and I finally realized it didn't matter if I had done it when I was younger, i could do it now! I am also very interested in alternative medicine, reiki, energy healing, homeopathic medicine, etc. Two of our major hospitals have energy healers on staff but they require you be an RN first. So I am starting on my journey to a future that will be about helping others, not just making money and that makes me happy. For years I have felt like I wanted to make a difference in more than just my children's life and wasn't sure how.
Re: What the...? - 08/21/13 08:54 PM
Love your outlook LTH.
I'm still trying to find what makes me "feel most alive".
What you said makes me note to be more aware of how I'm feeling in at various moments and maybe I'll find it
All the best to you w/ everything!
I'm still trying to find what makes me "feel most alive".
What you said makes me note to be more aware of how I'm feeling in at various moments and maybe I'll find it
All the best to you w/ everything!
Re: What the...? - 08/22/13 12:32 AM
Then you've made that decision for the reasons that count and will help make you successful.
I wish you all the best.
I wish you all the best.
Re: What the...? - 08/22/13 09:33 PM
Those are awesome reasons and it's so cool you are going to do something you are passionate about!
Re: What the...? - 08/22/13 10:57 PM
Thanks for posting because I am a believer in God and the Universe and wonder if I ever stop to listen to their message. Today my Keurig quit working, ironically enough when I decided to clean it so it wouldn't quit. It is an expensive coffee pot so I figured I would ignore this turn of events and I went downstairs to do laundry - and the washer door broke so I am no longer able to use my front load I started feeling like the universe was trying to give me a message to get a job and not go to school. (For those of you who aren't aware/follow the Secret, I know I sound insane) I was very upset thinking I had made this decision rashly and didn't really think about the consequences on my family. I texted H to call me when he had a chance and when he did I presented my "case" for the 'universe' trying to tell me I was making a bad choice. H was very supportive, gave me suggestions on how to fix this w/o a lot of expense and told me to quit worrying. When everything worked out as H said it would, I felt it was a test.
It is very nerve-wracking to know that I am knowingly leaving our family short on $$ for a year and it worries me. Our children need clothes, xmas (S is young enough to believe), and fun - am I depriving them? Is it worth it?
We can't fix the washing machine..how does that play out? Etc..
It is very nerve-wracking to know that I am knowingly leaving our family short on $$ for a year and it worries me. Our children need clothes, xmas (S is young enough to believe), and fun - am I depriving them? Is it worth it?
We can't fix the washing machine..how does that play out? Etc..
Re: What the...? - 08/26/13 07:19 PM
Hi lovethehub,
I haven't read "The Secret," but am a little bit familiar with the message. I don't think you should take those things as signs about your career choice necessarily. If the items are unable to be fixed, maybe you can either find secondhand or refurbished items to replace them or most big box stores have deals on dented or "unpretty" items. I know Bed, Bath, and Beyond carries Keurigs and you could use a 20% off coupon on that to save a little bit on it.
If you are making this decision to go back to school to benefit yourself and your family in the future, then I would still say go for it - it will pay off!
As far as Christmas goes, you could maybe do one gift per person to save or get crafty and make some great gifts for people (hello, Pinterest!). Good luck!
I haven't read "The Secret," but am a little bit familiar with the message. I don't think you should take those things as signs about your career choice necessarily. If the items are unable to be fixed, maybe you can either find secondhand or refurbished items to replace them or most big box stores have deals on dented or "unpretty" items. I know Bed, Bath, and Beyond carries Keurigs and you could use a 20% off coupon on that to save a little bit on it.
If you are making this decision to go back to school to benefit yourself and your family in the future, then I would still say go for it - it will pay off!
As far as Christmas goes, you could maybe do one gift per person to save or get crafty and make some great gifts for people (hello, Pinterest!). Good luck!
Re: What the...? - 09/05/13 03:04 PM
Thanks chl, I think I was letting fear of something new rule my emotions!
On the M front, things are going very well and seem to be improving every day. H has been sending me little text messages every morning (so I get them on my first break at school) telling me how proud he is of me, how much he loves me, have a great day, etc. When we have moments where we get annoyed about something, we are 100 times better at dropping it for the moment and then talking about it in a way that doesn't cause problems and then it is over. Even better, on the rare occasion that we handled problems this way in the past, it would be hours (or days) before we could discuss it calmly no matter how small of an issue. Now, we can talk within a few minutes, see each others perspectives much better and laugh/joke about it.
School is going to be tough and time consuming and is the only thing I could foresee causing an issue this year - not outright but just in lack of time together which has been a big issue over the years. Instead of ignoring this, I talked to h about it the other day. We plan coffee/time together where we talk first and then he quizzes me on my work so we can accomplish two things. We even picked 4 days a week where we will have sex whether we want to or not (haha). This was my idea because I am falling asleep almost as soon as I get into bed where before I would be awake for an hour or two. Stole the idea from some R book I read at some point, so far it's great!
I really believe we are making positive changes in our relationship and we both continue to make positive changes within. I should probably start a new thread in piecing...don't feel like I have too much to say about our M right now though so the little time I have on here, I like keeping up with other peoples progress!
On the M front, things are going very well and seem to be improving every day. H has been sending me little text messages every morning (so I get them on my first break at school) telling me how proud he is of me, how much he loves me, have a great day, etc. When we have moments where we get annoyed about something, we are 100 times better at dropping it for the moment and then talking about it in a way that doesn't cause problems and then it is over. Even better, on the rare occasion that we handled problems this way in the past, it would be hours (or days) before we could discuss it calmly no matter how small of an issue. Now, we can talk within a few minutes, see each others perspectives much better and laugh/joke about it.
School is going to be tough and time consuming and is the only thing I could foresee causing an issue this year - not outright but just in lack of time together which has been a big issue over the years. Instead of ignoring this, I talked to h about it the other day. We plan coffee/time together where we talk first and then he quizzes me on my work so we can accomplish two things. We even picked 4 days a week where we will have sex whether we want to or not (haha). This was my idea because I am falling asleep almost as soon as I get into bed where before I would be awake for an hour or two. Stole the idea from some R book I read at some point, so far it's great!
I really believe we are making positive changes in our relationship and we both continue to make positive changes within. I should probably start a new thread in piecing...don't feel like I have too much to say about our M right now though so the little time I have on here, I like keeping up with other peoples progress!
Re: What the...? - 09/05/13 03:13 PM
hmm... it thought piecing was twice harder than getting your spouse back. I probably read that somewhere in the forum.
It seems like your case is different. Much gentler, much easier, much smoother.
Best of luck!
It seems like your case is different. Much gentler, much easier, much smoother.
Best of luck!
Re: What the...? - 09/05/13 03:13 PM
That sounds great, lth. You're being very proactive.
I saw an article about zero negativity and tho it sounds pie in the sky, it actually makes a lot of sense. When you have issues come up you leave judgment out and only speak when you can do it without negatives. That means you might remain silent a lot. It sounds like you're doing something similar.
I saw an article about zero negativity and tho it sounds pie in the sky, it actually makes a lot of sense. When you have issues come up you leave judgment out and only speak when you can do it without negatives. That means you might remain silent a lot. It sounds like you're doing something similar.
Re: What the...? - 09/09/13 10:28 AM
Our 10th anniversary is Thursday. Last year, H and I had a great August/early September (coming off of another 2 month emotional separation after he saw me hug ex OM); the day before our anniversary I received a card in the mail from my mom and realized it was the next day so I said to him "tomorrow is our anniversary" and he said "big deal, we don't have anything to celebrate" I was crushed because I thought things were going well".
Yesterday H said to me "Our anniversary is Thursday, I don't want you to think I don't want to celebrate this year because I do, however, I think with your workload at school and our current lack of money, it would be better if we can just recognize it with something small and then plan to go away together in a few months". What a difference a year can make!
Yesterday H said to me "Our anniversary is Thursday, I don't want you to think I don't want to celebrate this year because I do, however, I think with your workload at school and our current lack of money, it would be better if we can just recognize it with something small and then plan to go away together in a few months". What a difference a year can make!
Re: What the...? - 09/09/13 11:56 AM
That's great LTH! Nice to see H bringing it up and being pro-active.
Re: What the...? - 09/09/13 01:29 PM
Re: What the...? - 09/28/13 10:43 PM
LTH, I just saw you post to another thread the great news about your H saying ILU and that he was glad to be working on the marriage, and that you updated your sig that you are piecing now. AWESOME news, congratulations!
Re: What the...? - 09/29/13 09:46 AM
I agree, awesome news LTH, congrats!
Re: What the...? - 09/29/13 11:49 AM
Thank you!
I am very happy and I am just trying to figure out how to keep the connection strong and the time together going with school (going from 5a-11p all week, it's a lot of work!) and his job. We are also getting stressed because I still need a job 1 or 2 nights a week so money is getting very tight. So far though we are handling it a lot better than we have in the past when we have been in this situation.
I am very happy and I am just trying to figure out how to keep the connection strong and the time together going with school (going from 5a-11p all week, it's a lot of work!) and his job. We are also getting stressed because I still need a job 1 or 2 nights a week so money is getting very tight. So far though we are handling it a lot better than we have in the past when we have been in this situation.
Re: What the...? - 09/29/13 11:55 AM
The fact that your both aware of it and being active is what most wouldn't be doing in the same situation.
Keeping your eyes open should help a lot.
Keeping your eyes open should help a lot.
Re: What the...? - 09/29/13 07:53 PM
Originally Posted By: LTH
Definitely Piecing 9/13
That is GREAT news! I am so happy for you!
F
Re: What the...? - 09/30/13 12:06 AM
lovemyhub,
I'm so happy happy happy for you to be in piecing! I've read you story and saw some very eerily similar things between your H and mine.
I'm curious how you got your H to breakthrough to you as far as not running away when things get tough. My H does the exact same thing, instead of even thinking the remote possibility that he could work at something he runs! He has done this since he was 17, got angry at his parents, so he found a job in the mountains and moved out, w no regret. Just like now.
I'm so happy happy happy for you to be in piecing! I've read you story and saw some very eerily similar things between your H and mine.
I'm curious how you got your H to breakthrough to you as far as not running away when things get tough. My H does the exact same thing, instead of even thinking the remote possibility that he could work at something he runs! He has done this since he was 17, got angry at his parents, so he found a job in the mountains and moved out, w no regret. Just like now.
Re: What the...? - 09/30/13 02:15 AM
Not to be a bummer but have the two of you discussed C? If he doesn't fully understand why he did what he did from someone other than yourself he could easily go right back to the way things were. That's just how it's been in the past.
Re: What the...? - 09/30/13 09:57 AM
Thanks everyone.
MrBond, we are definitely interested in C. At the moment, we are financially unable to go. We are struggling to pay bills and buy food as I continue to look for a part-time job and our insurance doesn't cover it. We will be switching insurance in January and we have 20 visits so that is the latest we will begin. I understand exactly what you are saying and now that I believe we could go without every session turning into each of us defending ourselves and arguing, I think it will be beneficial.
MrBond, we are definitely interested in C. At the moment, we are financially unable to go. We are struggling to pay bills and buy food as I continue to look for a part-time job and our insurance doesn't cover it. We will be switching insurance in January and we have 20 visits so that is the latest we will begin. I understand exactly what you are saying and now that I believe we could go without every session turning into each of us defending ourselves and arguing, I think it will be beneficial.
Re: What the...? - 09/30/13 10:03 AM
Quote:
I'm curious how you got your H to breakthrough to you as far as not running away when things get tough. My H does the exact same thing, instead of even thinking the remote possibility that he could work at something he runs! He has done this since he was 17, got angry at his parents, so he found a job in the mountains and moved out, w no regret. Just like now.
PM,
The only difference in our M came when we quit talking about our R and I was able to truly understand my part and apologize. Once I apologized, without any justification or mentioning a single thing H did, I believe it made H a lot less defensive and he was able to open up a little. So I didn't really do anything other than quit blaming him and accepting responsibility for my actions in the M. He was also in IC for a while; I know this helped him to look at his overall behavior because, like your H, that is how he had always dealt with things. He grew up in an alcoholic home (both parents) and his father was very angry and yelled a lot so H learned withdrawal. Now, I am doing my best to keep the lines of communication open. We spent some time together yesterday morning and I used the opportunity to check in with him and see how he was feeling about things and if there was anything he wanted to talk about. Before I would have just assumed everything was okay by the way they are going but we have both learned that isn't true.
Re: What the...? - 09/30/13 10:58 AM
LTH-good for you guys!
I am sending all my positive energy to you today
I am sending all my positive energy to you today
Re: What the...? - 09/30/13 02:42 PM
Originally Posted By: lovethehub
MrBond, we are definitely interested in C. At the moment, we are financially unable to go.
Look into RetroV, it is an amazing experience and they are set up to accept those who are not financially able to pay for the program. They try to encourage other people to pay extra so that those who can't pay can still go. There is no set "price" for the program, they state what the costs are and then ask people to pay what they can.
Originally Posted By: Pudmuddle
I'm curious how you got your H to breakthrough to you as far as not running away when things get tough. My H does the exact same thing, instead of even thinking the remote possibility that he could work at something he runs!
My W too. She's so afraid of conflict she'd rather run/ avoid than risk the possibility of it, even when the possibility is almost zero. I have no doubt she'll take that baggage into her next R. I wonder if she'll ever figure out it's her and not me.
Re: What the...? - 09/30/13 08:32 PM
AS,
Thanks. H and I checked into Retrouvaille, however, it was in August several hours from home. Not only is it almost impossible for him to get the weekend off at that time of year (the restaurant he manages is on a golf course), but even if he could se couldn't commit to the follow-up becuse it would had required him to take a day off every weekend. We would like to go if it comes closer to home.
Thanks. H and I checked into Retrouvaille, however, it was in August several hours from home. Not only is it almost impossible for him to get the weekend off at that time of year (the restaurant he manages is on a golf course), but even if he could se couldn't commit to the follow-up becuse it would had required him to take a day off every weekend. We would like to go if it comes closer to home.
Re: What the...? - 10/01/13 05:04 PM
LTH, Great news! I hope things go well for both of you.
My gut reaction to what you have posted is that you may be biting off more that you can chew. Let me explain what I mean.
Going back to school is something that is great and I think you should do it, but maybe not right now. I understand you may have excitement and motivation, the reason I say this is I think it may divert you from working on your M. It is a great Gal and way to improve you and I could go on and on, I'm not saying don't just thinking wait until things settle some and make marriage counseling a priority, whatever it takes.
My W went back to school online and got her BA for nursing and then her masters as a nursing educator. It was very time consuming and expensive. Worth every penny, not because it got her advancements, but because she did something for her. So I am 100% for you doing it!
I just want you to succeed with your marriage.
Maybe I am wrong, maybe you can do it all running, that is your call.
Just my thoughts.
My gut reaction to what you have posted is that you may be biting off more that you can chew. Let me explain what I mean.
Going back to school is something that is great and I think you should do it, but maybe not right now. I understand you may have excitement and motivation, the reason I say this is I think it may divert you from working on your M. It is a great Gal and way to improve you and I could go on and on, I'm not saying don't just thinking wait until things settle some and make marriage counseling a priority, whatever it takes.
My W went back to school online and got her BA for nursing and then her masters as a nursing educator. It was very time consuming and expensive. Worth every penny, not because it got her advancements, but because she did something for her. So I am 100% for you doing it!
I just want you to succeed with your marriage.
Maybe I am wrong, maybe you can do it all running, that is your call.
Just my thoughts.
Re: What the...? - 10/01/13 06:13 PM
"We would like to go if it comes closer to home."
Let's face it. You're never going to find something that's going to fit EXACTLY the way you want it to. The key is how much is your M worth? To me, it's worth more than a job. M is for life. If your H was serious, it's time for him to rearrange his priorities. What's more important? M or work?
Let's face it. You're never going to find something that's going to fit EXACTLY the way you want it to. The key is how much is your M worth? To me, it's worth more than a job. M is for life. If your H was serious, it's time for him to rearrange his priorities. What's more important? M or work?
Re: What the...? - 10/01/13 08:54 PM
JP,
Thanks, I understand what you are saying and it has crossed my mind this last week because our time together is so limited (I am one month into school). However, I have been looking for a job for over a year and I was unsuccessful. I lost track of how many jobs I applied for and I didn't even get an interview (of course, now that I am in school I have heard from 3 companies that I applied to last spring!). A guy I knew ran an ad for an Admin Asst and received over 600 replies; my friends company offered a bonus for someone to bring in a telemarketer because when her boss ran the ad he received almost 500 replies and he 'didn't feel like sifting through them'. It is a very tough job market, I am even struggling to find a restaurant that needs a server or bartender (which I plan to do 1-2 nights a week while in school).
The good part about my program is it is 10 months. In June I will graduate with my LPN and I can go to work immediately. I will pursue my RN but most likely will wait until after my son has his surgery as that will require us to live out of state for 2 months.
MrBond,
I realize nothing will fit exactly, however, when my H took this job (in June) he committed to working doubles Thurs-Sat and Sunday day. If Retrouvaille was one weekend, that would have been one thing but we could not commit to 6 weekends. I do not take this as my H's priorities being in the wrong place because the reality is, we are barely getting by and if he were to lose this job we would be looking at the very real possibility of not being able to put food on the table, gas in the car, pay for health insurance or maybe even lose our home. So while we have put it on the back burner (unless it comes closer to home in the meantime) it doesn't mean we have closed the door on it. We cannot afford $100-$200 in fees for counseling because we have cut our grocery bill as low as possible while still trying to provide decent meals for our children, we are juggling bills from month to month and my son has been having major issues with his condition. We are traveling to Baltimore more frequently and also incurring the additional cost of a counselor for him. We are very aware of how fragile our reconciliation can be and we are doing all we possibly can at the moment. I appreciate your wise words because I value what you say, we are keeping an eye out for it and we are on a waiting list for counseling through a program in our town that provides it for free. We have used this service in the past and we will evaluate the counselor should we clear that list.
In the meantime, we are doing our best!
Thanks, I understand what you are saying and it has crossed my mind this last week because our time together is so limited (I am one month into school). However, I have been looking for a job for over a year and I was unsuccessful. I lost track of how many jobs I applied for and I didn't even get an interview (of course, now that I am in school I have heard from 3 companies that I applied to last spring!). A guy I knew ran an ad for an Admin Asst and received over 600 replies; my friends company offered a bonus for someone to bring in a telemarketer because when her boss ran the ad he received almost 500 replies and he 'didn't feel like sifting through them'. It is a very tough job market, I am even struggling to find a restaurant that needs a server or bartender (which I plan to do 1-2 nights a week while in school).
The good part about my program is it is 10 months. In June I will graduate with my LPN and I can go to work immediately. I will pursue my RN but most likely will wait until after my son has his surgery as that will require us to live out of state for 2 months.
MrBond,
I realize nothing will fit exactly, however, when my H took this job (in June) he committed to working doubles Thurs-Sat and Sunday day. If Retrouvaille was one weekend, that would have been one thing but we could not commit to 6 weekends. I do not take this as my H's priorities being in the wrong place because the reality is, we are barely getting by and if he were to lose this job we would be looking at the very real possibility of not being able to put food on the table, gas in the car, pay for health insurance or maybe even lose our home. So while we have put it on the back burner (unless it comes closer to home in the meantime) it doesn't mean we have closed the door on it. We cannot afford $100-$200 in fees for counseling because we have cut our grocery bill as low as possible while still trying to provide decent meals for our children, we are juggling bills from month to month and my son has been having major issues with his condition. We are traveling to Baltimore more frequently and also incurring the additional cost of a counselor for him. We are very aware of how fragile our reconciliation can be and we are doing all we possibly can at the moment. I appreciate your wise words because I value what you say, we are keeping an eye out for it and we are on a waiting list for counseling through a program in our town that provides it for free. We have used this service in the past and we will evaluate the counselor should we clear that list.
In the meantime, we are doing our best!
Re: What the...? - 10/01/13 08:57 PM
I agree with MrBond, if the two of you are really committed to make the M work then surely there's some flexibility in the work schedule. I know my W and I had to sacrifice to make it work, but what some of the others had to do to get there was way beyond what we had to do.
Some of the people that participated in our weekend flew in from great distances. There were followups closer to their homes, so they flew to the main weekend and then had the followups in their area. Perhaps you could check into that. The weekend is by far the most important part, the followups build on what you learn over the weekend.
Some of the people that participated in our weekend flew in from great distances. There were followups closer to their homes, so they flew to the main weekend and then had the followups in their area. Perhaps you could check into that. The weekend is by far the most important part, the followups build on what you learn over the weekend.
Re: What the...? - 10/02/13 10:09 AM
Thanks AS
Re: What the...? - 10/02/13 12:47 PM
That is what I would have struggled with RV. The follow up weekends.
One weekend is OK to sort out, 4-5 weekends miles away from home with kids involved is a logistical nightmare.
One weekend is OK to sort out, 4-5 weekends miles away from home with kids involved is a logistical nightmare.
Re: What the...? - 10/02/13 07:36 PM
LTH - I would like to pick your brain a little.
First I so appreciate all of your post on this forum, I have gained great insight from your words lately on Flo's pages.
My W had an EA with a childhood friend she reconnected with. They sexted with pics, it never became a PA, but she was in deep emotionally.
I will first say I do not blame her at all, as I was not there emotionally for her or physically really.
We are as you have seen working on building a new marriage.
She is one of the kindest, caring people I have ever met and ties in with her request to have her friend remain in her life. We have agreed on her having him as an acquaintance friend, where she text him once or twice a year to see how he and his family is, etc. She says she cannot just cut someone out of her life that is a friend. She has apologized many times for the A and says she regrets it deeply and wishes it never happened.
I am sooooooo tore over having him in her life at all. Do you feel I am being fair or naive?
Please feel free to bring this to my thread.
First I so appreciate all of your post on this forum, I have gained great insight from your words lately on Flo's pages.
My W had an EA with a childhood friend she reconnected with. They sexted with pics, it never became a PA, but she was in deep emotionally.
I will first say I do not blame her at all, as I was not there emotionally for her or physically really.
We are as you have seen working on building a new marriage.
She is one of the kindest, caring people I have ever met and ties in with her request to have her friend remain in her life. We have agreed on her having him as an acquaintance friend, where she text him once or twice a year to see how he and his family is, etc. She says she cannot just cut someone out of her life that is a friend. She has apologized many times for the A and says she regrets it deeply and wishes it never happened.
I am sooooooo tore over having him in her life at all. Do you feel I am being fair or naive?
Please feel free to bring this to my thread.
Re: What the...? - 10/03/13 09:44 PM
Do you belong to a church? There may be some community support group that the two of you could go to that wouldn't cost anything.
Re: What the...? - 10/04/13 11:05 AM
JP
I saw this late Wed night but yesterday we were dealing with S8's doctors all day. I know my initial reaction but I want to catch up on your story (used to read it in the spring) so I will do that after baseball tonight.
MrBond,
That is a great idea. I stopped going to church several years ago bu have thought on and off about going back so it may be time to make the move.
Thank you
I saw this late Wed night but yesterday we were dealing with S8's doctors all day. I know my initial reaction but I want to catch up on your story (used to read it in the spring) so I will do that after baseball tonight.
MrBond,
That is a great idea. I stopped going to church several years ago bu have thought on and off about going back so it may be time to make the move.
Thank you
Re: What the...? - 11/05/13 04:35 PM
LTH
I have been reading your post as they are always so good!
How are you doing?
I have been reading your post as they are always so good!
How are you doing?
Re: What the...? - 11/06/13 09:55 PM
JP,
Things are going really well. The biggest challenge for H and I is time to spend together. We did go on a date about a month ago because we had a gift card and a free sitter. With me out of work, we do not have any $ to spare. With my workload at school, I am up at 5a to study before school, in class from 8a-230 and then another 4-6 hours of work most days. We are squeezing in 2-3 at home, mini-dates a week where we watch a favorite show, eat our favorite snacks, whatever. We have coffee together every Sat-Sun morning (in bed now that it is too cold for the patio!) and I also wake him 2-3 mornings a week between studying and the shower or we would rarely have time for FUN!
It is working. I know we can do more, and be even better, as we move forward and when we get to C in January (when our new health insurance starts with coverage that will pay for it). We have come a long way, we talk about the future and being together, I no longer think he is having an A when I see him texting, we don't fight (not that we don't ever disagree, we just handle disagreements differently and they don't become full blown flights like before).
We are in a very different place and we are always thanking each other, we are grateful for each other (through words, actions, letters), we are more thoughtful to each other.
Clearly life isn't always perfect, or a bed of roses, but when I think about our M now, the above is really how I feel and what stands out. Are there rough moments? Sure, they just don't stand out as much. Before, it was almost all rough moments and the good times didn't stand out so they were easy to miss or forget. Now the bad moments are easy to forget.
Thank you for asking about me. I really do want to start a piecing thread because I know I have a lot left to learn!
Things are going really well. The biggest challenge for H and I is time to spend together. We did go on a date about a month ago because we had a gift card and a free sitter. With me out of work, we do not have any $ to spare. With my workload at school, I am up at 5a to study before school, in class from 8a-230 and then another 4-6 hours of work most days. We are squeezing in 2-3 at home, mini-dates a week where we watch a favorite show, eat our favorite snacks, whatever. We have coffee together every Sat-Sun morning (in bed now that it is too cold for the patio!) and I also wake him 2-3 mornings a week between studying and the shower or we would rarely have time for FUN!
It is working. I know we can do more, and be even better, as we move forward and when we get to C in January (when our new health insurance starts with coverage that will pay for it). We have come a long way, we talk about the future and being together, I no longer think he is having an A when I see him texting, we don't fight (not that we don't ever disagree, we just handle disagreements differently and they don't become full blown flights like before).
We are in a very different place and we are always thanking each other, we are grateful for each other (through words, actions, letters), we are more thoughtful to each other.
Clearly life isn't always perfect, or a bed of roses, but when I think about our M now, the above is really how I feel and what stands out. Are there rough moments? Sure, they just don't stand out as much. Before, it was almost all rough moments and the good times didn't stand out so they were easy to miss or forget. Now the bad moments are easy to forget.
Thank you for asking about me. I really do want to start a piecing thread because I know I have a lot left to learn!
Re: What the...? - 11/06/13 10:42 PM
I'm so glad you will be getting C.
I went with a therapist who uses Gottman principles.
We go once a week and it is really helpful to have someone else to sit there and listen and give none bias advice.
I am glad that you don't get triggered by his texting, I hope to get there as well. It is still a struggle for me to let go and trust, just as it is for her with me. More time.
I went with a therapist who uses Gottman principles.
We go once a week and it is really helpful to have someone else to sit there and listen and give none bias advice.
I am glad that you don't get triggered by his texting, I hope to get there as well. It is still a struggle for me to let go and trust, just as it is for her with me. More time.
Re: What the...? - 12/06/13 06:56 PM
Well here you are! How are you???
Re: What the...? - 12/07/13 06:30 PM
Great! H and I are doing really well, squeezing in time together whenever we can and keeping up with each other on how we are feeling.
I did have a big eye opener a few weeks ago because I was feeling distant from h - not as much holding me while watching tv, he was staying up when I went to bed, in his own world when he is home (all things that were problems years ago)but I didn't bring it up, I kept in and let myself get frustrated. I started imagining that he wasn't happy, that this was how things would be, etc. One night we had a ridiculous argument about something little and he said to me "I can't believe this really bothers you that much". I said "It doesn't, it isn't about that, it's about not holding me, coming to bed with me, etc.". It wasn't until that moment that I even realized why I was feeling so irritated and that I was getting mad at him over things that were irrelevant. I told him that and said I should have just told him how I was feeling. He apologized (ha, he never used to do that!!), asked me to just let him know in the future and things have been back on track.
We work much better as a team than we did in our previous M and we usually communicate much better. I am so grateful that we are together and I am truly happy!
I did have a big eye opener a few weeks ago because I was feeling distant from h - not as much holding me while watching tv, he was staying up when I went to bed, in his own world when he is home (all things that were problems years ago)but I didn't bring it up, I kept in and let myself get frustrated. I started imagining that he wasn't happy, that this was how things would be, etc. One night we had a ridiculous argument about something little and he said to me "I can't believe this really bothers you that much". I said "It doesn't, it isn't about that, it's about not holding me, coming to bed with me, etc.". It wasn't until that moment that I even realized why I was feeling so irritated and that I was getting mad at him over things that were irrelevant. I told him that and said I should have just told him how I was feeling. He apologized (ha, he never used to do that!!), asked me to just let him know in the future and things have been back on track.
We work much better as a team than we did in our previous M and we usually communicate much better. I am so grateful that we are together and I am truly happy!
Re: What the...? - 12/08/13 04:52 AM
It is nice to have the chance again when you are aware or awake to what is important
Re: What the...? - 12/08/13 05:28 AM
Lovethehub,it sounds like you two are improving. Truly an inspiring motivation for me!
Re: What the...? - 12/08/13 03:34 PM
Originally Posted By: lovethehub
Great! H and I are doing really well, squeezing in time together whenever we can and keeping up with each other on how we are feeling.
I did have a big eye opener a few weeks ago because I was feeling distant from h - not as much holding me while watching tv, he was staying up when I went to bed, in his own world when he is home (all things that were problems years ago)but I didn't bring it up, I kept in and let myself get frustrated. I started imagining that he wasn't happy, that this was how things would be, etc. One night we had a ridiculous argument about something little and he said to me "I can't believe this really bothers you that much". I said "It doesn't, it isn't about that, it's about not holding me, coming to bed with me, etc.". It wasn't until that moment that I even realized why I was feeling so irritated and that I was getting mad at him over things that were irrelevant. I told him that and said I should have just told him how I was feeling. He apologized (ha, he never used to do that!!), asked me to just let him know in the future and things have been back on track.
We work much better as a team than we did in our previous M and we usually communicate much better. I am so grateful that we are together and I am truly happy!
I did have a big eye opener a few weeks ago because I was feeling distant from h - not as much holding me while watching tv, he was staying up when I went to bed, in his own world when he is home (all things that were problems years ago)but I didn't bring it up, I kept in and let myself get frustrated. I started imagining that he wasn't happy, that this was how things would be, etc. One night we had a ridiculous argument about something little and he said to me "I can't believe this really bothers you that much". I said "It doesn't, it isn't about that, it's about not holding me, coming to bed with me, etc.". It wasn't until that moment that I even realized why I was feeling so irritated and that I was getting mad at him over things that were irrelevant. I told him that and said I should have just told him how I was feeling. He apologized (ha, he never used to do that!!), asked me to just let him know in the future and things have been back on track.
We work much better as a team than we did in our previous M and we usually communicate much better. I am so grateful that we are together and I am truly happy!
Such a big step, lth! Now to have the trust in yourself and your needs to be able to talk about it before it gets to the argument stage.
Re: What the...? - 12/08/13 03:45 PM
LTH, I always look for your words of wisdom on others' threads, and have learned so much from you. Glad I finally found your thread so I could stop in and let you know what an inspiration you are. Great to hear how well you are doing!