We had a fight which turned ugly as before 2-3 times She hits me with a trash can. I was bleeding, She said leave her alone. Did go to er but said i need to file police complaint, did not, did not want to hurt her job she got that after lot of struggle. I walked out with a suitcase and charger and computers. I took some time it been 8 wks separated. i was desperate 1st week called friends, my parents called her mom, pursuing and she was moving away.
Read DB DR, stopped the chase, was doing LRT, she texts me to take my stuff and get u haul , before that she says she has an officer for safety, then says you wont have officer, tex next week, then i respond to her late 2 wks, was geting my life situated and givnig time ,she texts me when I see my 2 yr in day care saying she know that i visited, so ignored, . I text,call- her mom pick up and hangs up, email her saying i am fine and confident and sane, after 2 wks, when is good time to take my stuff, doesnot respond.
Regarding my son, I am seeing him every week now 2 hrs in day care. Yest she send me a letter about physical cruelty and wants D in 90 dys, all i did was restrain her from hurting me. I already filed in 1 st week of S of our fight, but did not serve her as i was waiting to reconcile,
after yest I think she wants me out badly.. There is no R now...
Constantly blames me for making her angry and act out. Justifies that I make her angry to extant that she get violent.
An interpruption in her phone conversation with her mom started this anrgy impulsive fit. Her mom is main negative feedback for about 2 yrs and her best emotional friend. Finances,control, her job loose, Anger, negative pattern of putting me down, low tolerance to problem solve, conflict resolution, she still denys there are better mature ways to handle conflict, all she does is her way or no way tom boyish from childhood and her father left them at her 20s and mom, brother went through lot and have strong negative attitude to men and trust issues They never say or talk about him. He just abandoned them.
The idea of separation was backed by mom since jan, I was struggling with job did not work for 8 mths..was a huge red flag to hurt me and before that with moves from another state as she lost her Job, constantly wanted what she wants and moving us away from NEast were my parents are from as her mom doesnot approve of cold. I was trying to find job we're she had secure job, her job had issues with her they wanted to check her more and the wait was 1 st half of last year, was also with babe new born, was working parttime before her job start in another state,I started working full time from this feb, payed all bills total, as there thing was,he doesn't pay...
We were just recovering and both started seeing money and new fulltime jobs we bought a house although again mom and daugh see a house like and buy, put me out of equation as in jan i did not have a good job, my full time job started feb , what we liked as couple they both just ignored. We had fight on that i did not like thine way she ignore and went on my back.i said its not a shared decision but I will get along. I told her we will live in it if she likes it . So she just payed the down payment went on and wanted me to not come but I compromised,it's better to have a family. Then started paying mortagages for 8 mths until the incident.
Now the new deal was he is not good to my mom, he needs to have chemistry with my mom. I am matter of fact since she was very disrespectful and provocatory in all our interactions since about 2-3 yrs. W email after the intitial infraction was I don't need you come into my house, I will take my mom anytime over you.
And her mom has the best chance to shine now and start the negative count picking all the incidents gold digging from start of our marraige. Her mom is playing it well she moved all her stuff from another city to our house, she is retiring this month. I was happy and accommodating as it would be good for all. There is power politics, control elements in the house and hidden agendas in there house. Not honest all peripheral hush talk, money minded, scarcity mentality. This feb her mom blames me that I have been poisoning her son saying bad things.. Which she back lashes to my parents, we just ignored...I need to let her go, enough attention to mnlaw
My question is, I am moving forward don't see any sign of recovery...my lawyer will talk to hers and we have court date, unfortunate and I am thinking is ther any thing I need to do to save this R, we want to put couselling and therapy and have it go for 1 yr but looks like she wants to knee jerk and get out a 4 yr marriage , 4 mth dating before m.
Although if she is not willing to work, I have to find better things and move on. Sorry it's long
Welcome to the board.
Get out and GAL.
DETACH.
Believe none of what she says and half of what she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
You are on moderation right now on the forum.
SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it.
Stick to this thread until 100 posts for your story.
Your W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
Use it wisely.
Knowledge is Power.
Thanks for the reply cadet, is there any thing else I need to do, I need to get my stuff, I will have to go with a common friend with W consent. I need to talk to my lawyer.
Thanks, texted her she responded, went and picked from garage my mail and important stuff at least small changes. She says if I don't take it today u can take after the court date. Again threat based .. I understand... she was not home, just left side door open ..went with our neighbor for witness
After the vist I was shattered, spent time with friends spoke to parents ... Tears were rolling and a heavy feeling that I am losing her, they just come in waves, just random thoughts and I just miss them... Could someone tell me how to make this process bearable, it despair and grief
Thanks for the reply cadet, is there any thing else I need to do, I need to get my stuff, I will have to go with a common friend with W consent. I need to talk to my lawyer.
Thanks, texted her she responded, went and picked from garage my mail and important stuff at least small changes. She says if I don't take it today u can take after the court date. Again threat based .. I understand... she was not home, just left side door open ..went with our neighbor for witness
After the vist I was shattered, spent time with friends spoke to parents ... Tears were rolling and a heavy feeling that I am losing her, they just come in waves, just random thoughts and I just miss them... Could someone tell me how to make this process bearable, it despair and grief
I got lot of mixed feelings
It takes time to get over the initial shock and pain.
What are you doing to take care of yourself?
What are your GAL activities?
Got busy with work doing over time, meeting with new friends, going out to birthday parties in social settings, working out regularly,clubbing and dancing, visiting new places, studying in b and noble about this D process, reading DB,DR. Visiting parents and sister in another sate atleast once a month, starting ground work for my own new business, which I always wanted to do, be my own boss...
But this is like waves suddenly I feel lost and I have to kind of reorient my self, I have lot of free time now, I am constantly networking to plan my start up business.
That all sounds good, keep it up.
The waves will continue but they will get smaller.
I am learning about emotional and legal D, coping with these dark emotions, it's been more than 8 wks, don't know what I should do, like plan a different future, with out my son and W
it's like my new ship in a storm with one crew member and waiting for some safe sail and direction, and her ship with my son on it is sailing near by.
Detachment .. How do you do it ....
Plan anew life but not without your son. He should still be a part of your life and you his.
Are you in the US or in a place with different custody laws?
Do I communicate via text about what I am doing, she might me getting papers from my lawyer, she seem to be receptive but still doesnot want to see me. She just let me take my stuff from garage. If we are agreeing on stuff without bitterness and contempt that would be more collaborative and mutually less expensive.
I am in US, I meet my son in daycare every week about 2 hrs.. I might do that little more often when I get time. I don't see any posts similar to my situation, any posts you know....
When every I see my son , I have meltdown and I thinks he need me more than a 2 hours a week when i see him in daycare. Was again looking to see if there is any way to solve this issue with reconciliation and mediation with parents, last time we did her mom said it is upto W to decide. She is side tracked herself and gave the steering to her D. Should I ask W to pick son at home on weekend spend a day or afternoon.
When every I see my son , I have meltdown and I thinks he need me more than a 2 hours a week when i see him in daycare. Was again looking to see if there is any way to solve this issue with reconciliation and mediation with parents, last time we did her mom said it is upto W to decide. She is side tracked herself and gave the steering to her D. Should I ask W to pick son at home on weekend spend a day or afternoon.
I'm sorry, I didn't see your last post.
You should seek legal advice about having your son more. I know you MIL probably has a lot of influence but this is between you and your wife.
If you would put a recap of your situation in your signature line it's helpful for others reading. You'll see My Stuff under the banner above, click it then select My Profile from the dropdown. Almost to the bottom you'll see signature. Thanks
And you should have regular, scheduled time with your son.
Hello EI,
I'm sorry you find yourself in such despair. You have come to a great place given your circumstances.
I'd suggest reading Big Bruce's thread. His sitch has similarities. He also has a young child and is working towards securing additional time with him.
From my experience, fighting for your rights as a father must take precedence over reconciliation with your W. I highly HIGHLY suggest seeking legal advice in knowing what those rights are.
I gather that your W has no respect for you. By taking a stand for your child, it will be a step in regaining her respect, however that is not the reason to do it. The reason is because your child needs you and it's the right thing to do.
Your W is playing on your fear. It is pretty common to be perfectly honest. Don't allow fear to be your guide. Fear will lead you directly to the land of regret.
Thanks litb, labug.. Felt lost, she is playing on my emotions and loves to control, mil with her as resque, now she is retired and moved in with my W. I will talk to lawyer about my son and will schedule reg visits as my top priority.
EI,
It seems like your W and MiL are making all the rules and you are playing by them. I agree with LITB -- you definitely should consult with a lawyer about your custody and visitation rights. You might fear that you will be making things worse between you by doing so. The fact is that everyone likes rules and knowing what to expect. Your lawyer can help you establish a new arrangement with W including time with your son and once she gets used to those rules, things will become more comfortable for both of you. Don't delay, seek legal advice right away.
Accuray
Curious to know what you are doing to get yourself to a healthy place. In your signature, you lists that there had been both emotional and physical abuse.
Are you getting any help for that?
Did you contribute to the toxicity of this part of the relationship?
What role did you play in this equation?
How can you change what is within your control, to change the dynamic to affect it positively?
I ask these questions, because you must utilize your time wisely while working towards gaining your rightful access to your son. Additionally, I like to look at interacting with others in general as an equation. How we interact with others has an affect on the outcome. If we lead with a PMA, the chances of a better outcome is likely. The opposite is true. For the record, a negative plus a negative does not equal a positive in this case.
Time and patience.....then more time and patience.
Curious to know what you are doing to get yourself to a healthy place. In your signature, you lists that there had been both emotional and physical abuse.
Are you getting any help for that?
Family, friends, work, exercise, being social
Did you contribute to the toxicity of this part of the relationship?
She blames me that I instigate, lots of trigger from my side, money, job, not having good relation with her mom,moving, job lose
What role did you play in this equation?
Mostly trying to compromise and solve things, not have lot of escalated arguments and conflicts and letting go, can say avoidant, passive, non voilant, think through
How can you change what is within your control, to change the dynamic to affect it positively?
Take active role, making decisions and planning things for me and my son as priority over my relation with wife
I ask these questions, because you must utilize your time wisely while working towards gaining your rightful access to your son. Additionally, I like to look at interacting with others in general as an equation. How we interact with others has an affect on the outcome. If we lead with a PMA, the chances of a better outcome is likely. The opposite is true. For the record, a negative plus a negative does not equal a positive in this case.
Time and patience.....then more time and patience.
Curious to know what you are doing to get yourself to a healthy place. In your signature, you lists that there had been both emotional and physical abuse.
Are you getting any help for that?
Family, friends, work, exercise, being social
Did you contribute to the toxicity of this part of the relationship?
She blames me that I instigate, lots of trigger from my side, money, job, not having good relation with her mom,moving, job lose
What role did you play in this equation?
Mostly trying to compromise and solve things, not have lot of escalated arguments and conflicts and letting go, can say avoidant, passive, non voilant, think through
How can you change what is within your control, to change the dynamic to affect it positively?
Take active role, making decisions and planning things for me and my son as priority over my relation with wife
Time and patience.....then more time and patience.
I just texted to see if I can get more stuff from home
She did not respond yet for text . For to pick some stuff and mail
Don't force the issue. Call an attorney and find out legally how to proceed.
It sounds like there is mistrust and animosity on both sides. Don't add fuel to the fire.
Remember your goal is to see your son.
I won't force, only one text, my lawyer is talking to hers now, i am waiting to hear from her she is probably shocked that I filed and it is ready to go. There is mistrust and anonymity on both sides. It's tough to be away and detach with out family
Curious to know what you are doing to get yourself to a healthy place. In your signature, you lists that there had been both emotional and physical abuse.
Are you getting any help for that?
Family, friends, work, exercise, being social
Are you getting any professional help? Therapy/Counseling? This is something that I believe should be at the top of your list to get resolved.
Did you contribute to the toxicity of this part of the relationship?
She blames me that I instigate, lots of trigger from my side, money, job, not having good relation with her mom,moving, job lose
These are her complaints. How much of these would you identify to be accurate? I can relate to the money and the MIL issues.
This is a good road map on things to change.
What role did you play in this equation?
Mostly trying to compromise and solve things, not have lot of escalated arguments and conflicts and letting go, can say avoidant, passive, non voilant, think through
How can you change what is within your control, to change the dynamic to affect it positively?
Take active role, making decisions and planning things for me and my son as priority over my relation with wife
How are you doing with your progress fixing these things?
Curious to know what you are doing to get yourself to a healthy place. In your signature, you lists that there had been both emotional and physical abuse.
Are you getting any help for that?
Family, friends, work, exercise, being social
Are you getting any professional help? Therapy/Counseling? This is something that I believe should be at the top of your list to get resolved.
Reading books and talking to family, no professional help, GAL,detachment, sticking to this forum..
Did you contribute to the toxicity of this part of the relationship?
She blames me that I instigate, lots of trigger from my side, money, job, not having good relation with her mom,moving, job lose
These are her complaints. How much of these would you identify to be accurate? I can relate to the money and the MIL issues.
This is a good road map on things to change.
have a decet job, self reliant and can support her and son
What role did you play in this equation?
Mostly trying to compromise and solve things, not have lot of escalated arguments and conflicts and letting go, can say avoidant, passive, non voilant, think through
How can you change what is within your control, to change the dynamic to affect it positively?
Take active role, making decisions and planning things for me and my son as priority over my relation with wife
How are you doing with your progress fixing these things?
I vist my son at daycare every wk and taking a stance on my situation and making my son as priority, looking into legal options and realizing if I should spend any time salvaging and trying to save M when she as W/ mother has no interest to work it. Don't know what else to fix, it's all broken and I am just trying to not damage any more especially son and both of us.
EI,
You can only own and fix your part.
I'll be perfectly honest with you, it does concern me that you aren't at least entertaining the idea of seeking help. For arguments sake, what if your W agreed to work things out. What do you plan on doing to ensure or at least attempt to not fall in to old toxic patterns?
Even if you have fixed everything, what are you striving to improve? We all have areas that need improvement. It is a never ending process.
I vist my son at daycare every wk and taking a stance on my situation and making my son as priority, looking into legal options and realizing if I should spend any time salvaging and trying to save M when she as W/ mother has no interest to work it. Don't know what else to fix, it's all broken and I am just trying to not damage any more especially son and both of us.
Your question and your answer in the same paragraph.
The reason to try to salvage your M, your son. He deserves your effort. At least that's the way that I look at it.
EI,
You can only own and fix your part.
I'll be perfectly honest with you, it does concern me that you aren't at least entertaining the idea of seeking help. For arguments sake, what if your W
agreed to work things out. What do you plan on doing to ensure or at least attempt to not fall in to old toxic patterns?
[quote]What do you mean seeking for help, like IC, what else, she need to show signs of working things, the signs I got is, papers to plan D. I know that is not end all, but tell me, how do I see anything bright except my son and for his sake..
Even if you have fixed everything, what are you striving to improve? We all have areas that need improvement. It is a never ending processs
have identified some area that I am working, first to come out of this shock and then think through what else my options are... My goal with a time frame,
What do you mean seeking for help, like IC, what else, she need to show signs of working things, the signs I got is, papers to plan D. I know that is not end all, but tell me, how do I see anything bright except my son and for his sake.
Yes, I mean something like IC. I find it hard to believe that dealing with 2 years of abuse can be addressed by simply reading self help books and being a member of this community.
This should not be dependent on what your W is doing on her end. Take the lead. Be the captain of your ship. Personally, I think that you would want to ensure that you get yourself to a healthy place for yourself, your son and any future relationship. Whether it is with your W or someone new.
You are being reactive to what your W does. Instead, be proactive in spite of what she does. I’m being redundant for a purpose.
Perhaps someone who has had a similar experience as you can chime in.
What do you mean seeking for help, like IC, what else, she need to show signs of working things, the signs I got is, papers to plan D. I know that is not end all, but tell me, how do I see anything bright except my son and for his sake.
Yes, I mean something like IC. I find it hard to believe that dealing with 2 years of abuse can be addressed by simply reading self help books and being a member of this community.
Well we had busy jobs and we had newborn, job lose, me unemployed for 8 mths, and her unemploy before that, well it's only when we get into arguments and it goes out of spin we have these spells. I tried talking through close friends and family, which see started secluding, like my sister and bil,she got defensive and thought they were ganging up.
This should not be dependent on what your W is doing on her end. Take the lead. Be the captain of your ship. Personally, I think that you would want to ensure that you get yourself to a healthy place for yourself, your son and any future relationship. Whether it is with your W or someone new.
You are being reactive to what your W does. Instead, be proactive in spite of what she does. I’m being redundant for a purpose.
I am finding answers though GAL, family and through talking and relating to similar people. I am also keeping my plan concrete to not get side tracked
.
Perhaps someone who has had a similar experience as you can chime in.
I have began to read your post and had to reply to his one. My situation is the same but the opposite. I had the PA in my R. It would come from both sides. The thing that lead to the D was on my hand. He decided he had enough and walked away. It hurts because all of the time I hung in there with him, but the few times that and last time it was on my hand he leaves. Doesn't want to work. I kid you not, everything that I have read so far is in line with my H. He is doing the same things as your W and my feelings are the EXACT same as yours. The waves, the hurt, the moving forward but waves of feeling unsure and lost. I'm in a lost "moment" now. It hurts so much.
I have began to read your post and had to reply to his one. My situation is the same but the opposite. I had the PA in my R. It would come from both sides.
The thing that lead to the D was on my hand. He decided he had enough and walked away. It hurts because all of the time I hung in there with him, but the few times that and last time it was on my hand he leaves. Doesn't want to work.
Do u talk to him, how do u know
I kid you not, everything that I have read so far is in line with my H. He is doing the same things as your W and my feelings are the EXACT same as yours.
Explain it in detail, it good to relate to some one
The waves, the hurt, the moving forward but waves of feeling unsure and lost. I'm in a lost "moment" now. It hurts so much.
I have began to read your post and had to reply to his one. My situation is the same but the opposite. I had the PA in my R. It would come from both sides.
The thing that lead to the D was on my hand. He decided he had enough and walked away. It hurts because all of the time I hung in there with him, but the few times that and last time it was on my hand he leaves. Doesn't want to work.
Do u talk to him, how do u know
I kid you not, everything that I have read so far is in line with my H. He is doing the same things as your W and my feelings are the EXACT same as yours.
Explain it in detail, it good to relate to some one
The waves, the hurt, the moving forward but waves of feeling unsure and lost. I'm in a lost "moment" now. It hurts so much. N
Recently been to Christmas party at sons daycare , seen W for the first time, was there with 2 common friends, one is also our babysitter, kept my cool, was close to W just in the back seat, was in a awkward situation, saw my son before the play he was in, W just walks away caring my son telling him to be with mom, when he wanted to see me and wanted to hold me. Spoke to common friends, said my priority is my son now and they could reach me anytime, told our baby sitter to call me or text me if she needed help. I also gave 2 baby book to give it to my son which I bought . WeI have a court date, will seperate as Bruce was instructed: the D issue and my fathering. Was also planning to talk to her mom and ask for forgiveness, not sure as per my folks if thasta good idea, they could use it as evidence, use it against me ....
East Indian,
I will tell you this, the two first months are the worse.
I couldn't concentrate enough to make a cake without day dreaming or feeling oppressed. Couldn't go to the opera, or play piano, or paint, my mind would wander all the time. Couldn't believe it was happening to me. ME!
As for the lawyers thing, you're right, separate it. I never mentionned it to my W, she didn't talk about it either. You are a father, concentrate on that. Be interested in your child.
And come to this site if you feel bad. There are very, very sharp people with great advice.
Thanks bruce for the reply, I am looking at my contribution and my patterns of dealing conflicts with my W. I just compiled a letter to my W to request her and clarify my position with my Son. I am asking for equal share.
In the Christmas party she seem to just avoid looking and making eye contact while I was infront of her with our 2 friends and S. I was happy to see all of them, I was kind of apprehensive to start a conversation. She was avoiding a conversation.
It is this issue W has that I don't have a good relation with her mom and I don't call her. I was thinking I would just take my pride and ego off and call her and remove any misunderstanding or resentment or just ask her to forgive me if I unknowingly or knowingly showed pride and arrogance. I am not expecting any huge changes in our path due to this but it will clear with both that I am not holding my ego and not talking to her mom. I havnt called her since S, my dad and mom called and spoke to her for long, at this point she says it's all upto my daughter. She was supposed to move in with my W but she is still not moved,she was retiring by oct end or nov.
Bruce,25yrmic, mr bond could you tell me what I do - I have 2 wks for first court hearing, I was going to ask her directly for more time with son, I visit in day care now for 1 hr/ wk- I was going to text her and ask for pick up and drop off for 2 hrs a week at least, she is just silent now
Hi guys could you answer my dilemma
Okay, going back to what is fair. What did your L advise? What can you handle? Can you do a 50/50 split?
Right now is not the time to think of your W. The person you loved is no longer there at the moment. Start to stick up for yourself and stand up for what YOU want.
My L served her and her L took papers, we are wating on to hear from them.. For me, it needs to be 50/50
"I was thinking I would just take my pride and ego off and call her and remove any misunderstanding or resentment or just ask her to forgive me if I unknowingly or knowingly showed pride and arrogance. "
That sounds like a good idea. Add in the point that you respect her and that she has done a great job at raising a beautiful daughter. A little flattery couldn't hurt. Just keep it positive and simple.
Mr Bond thanks for the insight, I am constantly losing my focus and I need to get some cards or reminders to see we're I am going. Like weekly plan. I think I am still not detaching and hoping things will turn out well.
She is just silent for 2 wks after we served papers to her lawyer, I was plannig to email her and let her know what my intentions are, like 50/50 of kid and make life simple and I will take all my stuff and leave . Last I texted was wishing thanks giving and I saw son and W in my sons Christmas party last week.
So what is the latest news?
My mother called her mom last week, it was not my idea,and she is still ranting on the acquisition that I have done lot of bad stuff to meet Daughter, which is totally baseless. w hasn't responded. I will send my email today to W.. I needed to talk to my mom about what exactly is MILs message. I havnt called mil, she sent and email to my mom after there conversation,I also need to see it.
Now her mom clams they did all this to see that I get better as a husband. all the threats, the accusations and disrespect, the abuse, still she denies her daughter did any thing.
They have a right to think the way they do even if it may not be correct. You need to just tell them that while you appreciate their efforts in saving your M, this is a private matter between you and your W.
Get the custody of your son first and start being the MAN.
]They have a right to think the way they do even if it may not be correct. You need to just tell them that while you appreciate their efforts in saving your M, this is a private matter between you and your W.
I agree we need to make things private but things got out of control and dark between us and I needed help as I lost trust in how my wife would react to normal things
Get the custody of your son first and start being the MAN.
what do you mean start being a man
"I needed help as I lost trust in how my wife would react to normal things "
You can't control how she is going to react to things. You just do what is best for you right now. That's includes doing the things a man does to protect his children.
Get expanded custody first. Plan for hostilities from your W or inlaws should they arise. When they give you a hard time, look at them for the crazy people they are and then move on.
So she is not responding and we have our first court date next week, looks like she is still resentfull and doesnot want to negotiate
Then that's fine. You get your affairs in order. What did your L say?
To get you ducks in row and I will meet him this week.
I am journaling and also preparing for my court date, she hasn't responded nor tried to communicate. Will be meeting son in his Christmas day care party. Guys I am still out side and GAL. What else do I do
It was fun to be with son, he keeps saying, don't go to office daddy stay with me. I took pictures and he brings joy to my life, for rest of that week. Bruce or ladbug and mr bond, i am nervous about the court date
Do your best to stay calm and controlled. Control what YOU can control. You can do that.
I am just recollecting things and seeing what went wrong with our marraige.
Write them down and journal them here.
Things that I could have done better:
1. I should have not left her alone for my job while she was pregnant, we discussed and she said it was only a year and we decided I will travel every 2 wks. She travelled to me on couple of weekends.During this time she was close to my parents and sister and I thought that would help.
2. I would have just took money out of our arguments, I would have not made it equal share, I should have paid all, which I was doing toward last year
3. Could have had a better relation with her mom, called her regularly, sent gifts, wanted to know what was going on in her life.
4. There were things which W was thinking and planning, which I should have been more aware. I should have had better emotional connection.
5 . Should have recognized that she had anger issues and asked for treatment or counseling before a gridlock like this.
6. I would have had better attitude and made it lighter for her to work around me and her mother
7. I was adjusting but after a battle and argument
8. Would have had some job regularly and not stay home and appear less productive, while she was working for about 2-3 mths and being productive.
9. A little more upbeat and cheerful and fun loving, bring joy and be more sociable and outgoing
10. I would have took her to vacations in Bahamas or somewhere exotic
11. I would have done what every she wanted and follow her and allow her to make all the decisions, not sure if it is realistic
12. Could have cut the grass, the first time she asked me. Or did things the first time she asked......
13. Could have talked to her deeply and connected to see what she needed the most and provided it, 5 LL
14. Should have been a good friend and helper, which I was but respect was an issue which started deteriorating
15. Should have created a system to diffuse high tension arguments, looked for help out side us and made some thing accountable and have remedial recovery process.
16. Have some form of repair process in place, like couselling, family around. Close friends and couples to relate.
17. Should have had positive emotional bank account for longer peroids. And made sure it was never negative, act fast to make it postive, had regular checks to see the general health of this account.
Wow EI, this list made me cry.
I am just thinking out load, putting my ego aside and just being good, I was moved by newton and when you are in conflict you just are fighting for what you want and loose track of the important which is the relation and the kid I have 2 yr old
Alright, now write down the list of things that you wish your W did for you before and what faults you found about her.
It's revealing
1. I wish she was more patient and less irritable with small thing that upset, like the house is messy with toys, toilet lid is not on, if I am busy, she would not relate that to I don't care.
2. She was less stubborn and controlling to do only her way but also adjust to what I have to say and do
3. I wish she respected me more and appreciated what I do and did in the past
4. I wish she was less money minded and would judge things on long term value
5. I wish she didnot compare and feel she has less and not have this grass is greener on other side and feel bad syndrome
6. Wish she has a mind of her own and would get less influenced and dependent to her mom.
7. I wish she complains less and see the good in the situation and be happy with what she has now.
8 I wish she was not condescending and compare her self with me and not judge me with my current situation or look for my weak areas and us them to gain power.
9. I wish she was humble and have patience and decency to process information when she is that rage stage.
10. I wish she looks at the postive things in me and demphasize my negatives.
11. I wish she learns my love language and could change how she deals with me.
12 Wish she could be fair and use then same standard for herself and for me.
13. Wish she was a bit easy going and let go of past disappointments.
14. I wish she would forgive and forget the past and not have a laundry list of negative events ready to throw in an argument, just to win.
15. I wish she was more focused on my son and me and develop her family.
16. I wish she was more respectfully to my family and would not keep count of things.
17. I wish she was less bossy and would not be control freak and she be honest and be straight forward and express hidden issues.
Good list. Many times the LBS puts the WAS on a pedestal forgetting that their WAS was not "perfect". We all have our flaws. We learn to deal with them and accept people as they are. That's the healthy way. So the next time your W tells what she perceives as your flaws, think on this list.
Thanks, will post what happened in the court
We focused on child care, wanted more time with son, I have every other weekend now, once I get safe place I can take him overnight. I got a new car seat.
I was nervous, did not know what she would throw at us. We took money out of the equation, agreed on what every she wanted, did not want to argue, just wanted to move on and focus on sontime and leave the relation agenda for now, she texted me saying S health is not well and he need his nap time. I said I be fine with 4-7 rather than 10-6 this week.
she emails me saying certain time adjustments with his napping, i said I am fine. She was planing dates, sent an email yest, I said ok via text, short and to the point. I said if you needed help with S or any thing just let me know, since she mentioned his health so many times. She sent dates, so as before I asked her if she would upload it in google calender, she said it all your and your responsibility to do all that , I said I will do it.
She started texting my parents and sister saying why you guys did not talk to me for this long. Which we did she wouldnt repond to even in an emergency, Why didnt you talk to me in the court,
she just did not make any eye contact to any of us and just walked out, she wanted us to come and talk to her, but she was not humble to even have friendly eye contact or even a hello
when we were close, I made non specific comment about weather to break the awkward silence with us and our lawyers
Why are you not on my side, you all should support me rather than H. Dont know why she is expecting us to talk to her
They just kept quite and I thought it good not to react and take some time, write some thing sensible, allow things to processes
I think she was nervous and she looked pale,
I am having tough time knowg what to and how much to communicate, lines are open now
Did my first visit and spent 3 hrs with son after 31/2 mths, deep contentment. Son is talking so many new things. Mostly texting her and updating things, maintaining respect, being happy and upbeat.
Holidays are tough times, thank god they are gone. I am emailing her and letting he know i am flexible interms of my position. I will visit him this weekend 2 days sat and sun.
I am also traveling and having a huge deal settled this week. I am working out regularly. She asked me for child support and sent account details, I send her via electronic transfer, she is not that techi and gets nervous.
She says rudely, I sent you the account details it's a court order and ur responsibility to put money in the account. I am not going to do any thing online. It's just that you link the accounts and I can make direct transfers. I did not want to prolong the volley.
I got little agitated and frustrated that she would just make a issue out of such a small thing but calmed my self, recognize her limitations and her state of mind.
Her emails don't have dear, thank you, stand offish and accusatory that i am not responsible
I said I will find other options and acknowledged her concerns and validated her on working online and said I will look for some other way to accomplish the task.
How do I find strength and patience and focus and balance whe she is so bitter and constantly still rude and trying to pick a fight. The negative pattern, it's nauseating,ugly and volcanic when she try's to argue and instigate a small thing. when will the season change.. I am working on very low expectation and oxygen so that i can last longer for any thing that migh come out our interactions.
It's getting better day by day, thanks ladybug, Bruce and advina
Happy new year to yo all, btw its Gandhi the founding father of India, not ghandi
Non violence was his stance which brought British empire to its knees and made India free. Isn't it ironic I am writing this now
Good grief I've been here how long? Thanks so much for pointing out my bad typo and allowing me to correct it.
happy new year to you too EI. I hope you enjoy lots of good time with your s, he is at a very cute age.
Sorry, I did typo on your name. I am working on improving my contribution.
No problem adinva...
can you put some light into my situation. The progress is slow and painfull. She is atleast regularly emailing me now. How do I frame my emails they are so much business like, mostly about co-parenting.
I wanted to make sure we have some common guidelines we follow. I also wanted her to communicate clearly and not have any hidden agenda or expectation,
i want her to verbalize as many things so that its clear and i dont need to read beteen the lines or decode a cryptic message when we have child care issues. Esp health, finances, naps and feeding.
Hey no problem EI if I can misspell the founding father of India you can misspell my screen name. It was a pretty funny misspelling as some of us here would attest, sorry, inside joke. I'm a wine drinker.
I think you will make progress if you reread your question and every single time you say "I want her to..." - change it. You cannot make her do anything. The more you try the less progress you'll make. You can't make her understand anything, think anything, communicate any way you prefer, or anything at all.
Deal only in what YOU can do. You be clear, you be business like, you be kind and compassionate and thoughtful and protect your own boundaries.
I think from what I've read here today you have a lot of insight into what you'd like to have done differently, and you have a very healthy amount of humility and vulnerability that to me is a very good sign that you will do well. Because as unfair as it might be, you are the only one you can work on.
You decide what you accept and you set boundaries to protect yourself. You must not allow someone to beat you with a trashcan. You must not let yourself be bothered with behind the scenes conniving and whispering. Just be a man that only a fool would leave. That's all you can do, and it's the best thing to do.
Thanks you for all the insights
Hi all happy new year, things have changed, she still doesnot want to talk even when we exchange our son. This is too early,it's my second visit.
She is responding to emails and text messages. I send her the child care money which she asked via email. I send money via email she gets little nevous about banking online. I just deposit money inthe account she sent.
She also gave me written schedule of our sons day which I asked in my email so that I won't interfere with his nap and feedings. She texts me to feed him dinner which I gladly did yesterday. We spent time playing and drawing.
She emailed me other day to get a truck and take my stuff. I will reply her and say I need bigger place which I am looking for now, then I will move my stuff soon.